Wide Open Wonderment

MOTHERHOOD TRENCHES

written by Rachel Dube

I’m hopeless and helpless And almost drowning In toddler screams And crumby floors In unfolded laundry and dirty dishes In rolling eyes and slamming doors. My head is barely above the water I keep swallowing the crashing waves Of unkind words and stealing toys Of tears and schoolwork And just way too much noise.

The waves seem to never stop crashing I gasp for air and struggle not to sink In questions I can’t answer In arguments, in requests, In the baby spitting her food and throwing her drink.

I squeeze my eyes closed to shut in the tears I hold my head in my fingers to push back the thoughts Of imagining what more I could have done with these years.

How bad could it be if I gave up? Or gave away my position? And found a place to send these kids Especially the one with the anger condition? What will become of me in this storm, that seems intent to destroy? I have no smiles, no patience No tenderness or joy.

I am tattered and torn up and washed up on shore Oh, how I feel my failings Yet, why God, do you keep entrusting me with more?

Mothers truly battle in the trenches Our entrusted task is certainly war But our battle is not against the flesh and blood of our children But against the enemy trying to get his foot in the door.

The enemy is one who waits and lurks Who targets our families as he wanders the earth Seeking to steal from us all God has given To destroy all the Father desires to build And kill all God has or desires to birth.

When Peter left the safety of the boat And trusted in Jesus to do the impossible He did not have to fear or sink He could have walked confidently as Jesus did And we can too, knowing the Father can do more Than we could ever ask or think.

And Jesus gives us, mothers, the same wave-walking invitation Not to burden or harm or drown us But by investing in each soul He gives us To join Him, in His strength, in the world’s transformation

So, what causes me to flail and cry out in angst? Helplessly sinking like someone weighed down? It is when my eyes leave my Savior And I begin to look around

It is when I look to what I have accomplished Or the areas I have failed To the fruit of my labor, some hint of success To lovely children Or to a reform of the mess

I feel the cold deep start to grip me When I search my circumstances For what more I can do Or when I ask myself, “How can I fix it?” or

“What’s wrong with you?” But when my eyes are fixed on Christ And my feet are set on the Rock that won’t change It is only then that my feet stop slipping With the shifting sands that melt into the waves.

The truth is that if I am not sinking Even in the midst of the moments of travail Then I am certainly being held up By the arms of the One who does not sleep Whose strength and power will never fail.

My ability to praise God and even enjoy The days of messy, mixed-up, selfish and loud Are dependent not on the ease or success of them But on the goodness and loving kindness Of God By whom each day and each child is allowed.

You are not defined by your children’s sins Or by your ability to train Not by your patience or their compliance But by the One who called you and loves you by name.

Few feel called to this invitation to sacrifice Fewer still stay invested with devotion and love If you wade in the trenches of motherhood daily

Then you, brave warrior, Have a mighty Victor Who sees you And fights for you from above.

Right in the midst of the raging battle He presents you With a very surprising request To eat at the victory feast set before you Not to strive, or to endlessly fight, But by trusting Him, to come And to recline and rest.

He asks you to quit your labor And put your burden down If you are sinking, then you are carrying a weight Only designed for Him to hold One that will only make you drown.

Hold on tight, my weary soul To the living Word of a present God Who calls and keeps you to Himself, To carry you, sustain you and make you whole.