Three Strands

I Have Found the One

BY CINDY SOUTHWORTHI have found the one my soul loves. (Song of Solomon 3:4 EHV)

This beautiful scripture, though paraphrased, was displayed in Ted and Carolyn’s bedroom as a reminder of their love for each other. However, after twenty-five years of marriage, it was difficult for them to remember a time when that verse sparked romantic feelings in their heart. How had their hearts grown so cold?

Ted and Carolyn are not unique. Many couples are reaching out for help because unmet expectations have caused conflict, and like Ted and Carolyn, the result is that the individuals end up on divergent paths. Their check-up with a marriage coach reveals they both have been feeling emotionally distant; a lot of tension exists in the relationship; stress has taken its toll; each has been emotionally unavailable; small issues have recently escalated; and they don’t really know what their partner is thinking. Their joy has been fading away. Even though they know they need to talk, they really don’t know where to begin, and the result is invading loneliness.

A weekend marriage intensive reveals several issues. Ted and Carolyn learn they need to become more emotionally safe with each other so they can return to being vulnerable with each other. They identify how early childhood experiences are fueling their limiting beliefs about themselves. They identify their own personal needs and start communicating with each other how effectively to meet those needs. They go through a forgiveness exercise that helps them work through past conflicts. Lastly, they set goals to improve their time together and identify common interests that would increase oneness in their relationship.

At the conclusion of the intensive, it is important that Ted and Carolyn make a covenant with each other to begin implementing some good new habits into their marriage.

They commit to daily morning prayers and devotions together. Couples can build a strong spiritual connection by praying together and listening as each person pours out their heart to God. Allowing themselves to get vulnerable with God will naturally cause them to start being more vulnerable with each other.

They commit to twenty minutes of daily heart talk with one another. Couples who disconnect from their phones, social media, and other distractions and focus attentively on one another for 20-30 minutes each day build strong emotional connections. It’s important that this time is used to appreciate and affirm one another, listen to each other’s concerns, and offer forgiveness for recent offenses. This process helps keep short accounts with one another.

They agree to a weekly kid-free date night. Couples need time with each other and, despite the challenges they face, they need to engage in fun times together. Many couples take turns planning the date and get creative in a variety of ways that spark romance and joy. When the kids are young and the budget is tight, creative minds plan fun nights at home together.

They create a household budget to live by. Couples who implement a budget into their family planning, experience less stress in their lives. Once agreed upon, the budget controls their decisions, not either individual. Lowering debt and having a savings plan will bring harmony into their home.

They set healthy boundaries regarding the opposite sex to protect their marriage. Couples who agree on boundaries build trust into their marriage. It’s vitally important that a spouse can trust their partner’s actions when they are away from each other.

They maintain their agreement about division of labor in the home. Smart couples have a plan for taking care of the house, yard, car, bills, etc. They don’t take for granted that these things will take care of themselves. They partner together and delegate responsibilities to other family members when appropriate.

They agree to quarterly visits with their coaches until they feel they can manage on their own. Couples who reach out for help when needed are more likely to stay healthy.

Ted and Carolyn discover the love of God that has no boundaries, a love that penetrates their soul, and a love they can share with each other.

When we discover God’s redeeming love, our love for one another becomes richer and deeper.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecc. 4:12, NIV)

Cindy Jacob Southworth M.S. Counseling Studies, is an AACC Certified Relationship Coach, part of the Women World Leaders Leadership Team, and a published author. She and her husband David reside in central Florida, have been in full-time marriage ministry since 2005, and pioneered the Marriage 911 intensive, women’s BreakThrough retreats, and the UP Leadership program that prepares couples for marriage ministry. Contact Cindy at Cindysporch@gmail.com or www.breakwaterministries.com