Voices Volume Nine — Body by Voices

Voices VO LU M E N I N E

Voices is a student-led campaign headed by Falmouth & Exeter Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Union, providing a platform for people whose voices might previously have been lost in the noise.

Trigger Warning This volume contains language which may be offensive to some readers and references to issues which may be triggering to survivors. If you need to talk to someone, please contact the Student Support Services team or visit fxu.org.uk/welfare

VOICES VOLUME NINE BODY F E B R U A R Y 2019

Body

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

People come in all of shapes and sizes, which is something to celebrate. After all, the world would be very boring if we all looked the same. With this volume of Voices, we wanted to celebrate the things that make us all so unique. For the contributors to this volume, a journey to acceptance has been hindered by the pressures of social media, celebrity culture and personal torment, but they have conquered their demons to become proud of every lump and bump. In telling their stories, they hope that others will realise that their own individualities are beautiful and not something to be ashamed of. Tall, short, curvy, skinny, medically altered, naturally beautifulâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;what matters is on the inside, not the outside. Allie Guy Editor-in-Chief

MAYA DIEGEL

have always felt like the shape of my

body has falsely determined what my life was going to be like. I am probably one of the most confident people you will meet. I absolutely love myself and this is the model I live by. My parents told me: be proud of who you are, be the person that you want to be, but don’t think that you’re better than anyone else. This is probably what I am most grateful for out of all the life lessons that my parents gave to me, because I grew up in private school, which was filled with a lot of very rich kids and it is often the richer kids that are the most popular. There is this cult of being really skinny, beautiful and having expensive clothes. I am very grateful that I went to this school; I thought the education was great and I thought a lot about how it is in school that you learn how to interact with other people, and you learn what is normal and how it’s okay for you to behave around other people. When I was in school, I used to be teased; I was always kind of a bit bullied because I never dressed very traditionally. I would always wear Taiwanese clothes that were so cheap in Taiwan, because my mum is Taiwanese, so we would go there and do all of our shopping. I dressed kind of weirdly and I was kind of a geek, but look at me now, I look great! People would not assume that from seeing me now. So, growing up, I had boobs when I was like nine years old. I started really young, so it was always a thing in school. Guys would try to throw fries in my cleavage and girls would see my stretch marks and ask what I had done to myself. They didn’t understand what stretch

7 marks were, so it looked like I was hurting myself

no matter what, and would think that I was a bitchy

and they weren’t just on my breasts. I was never re-

girl because I dressed femininely, or one of those

ally skinny. I was never fat but in the school I was in

girls that spit on each other’s back, or that girl who

I was considered fat because everybody was really

is trying to get all the guys to like her. I thought

skinny. When I was 14 to 15 years old I had a lot

people are going to think that of me anyway no

of self-doubt about that. That’s the age where you

matter what, this is not my fault, this is people’s

wonder if you’re normal and if you can fit in with

insecurities and people not feeling comfortable in

everyone else and I had a lot of doubt. Also, be-

their own skin. So when I was 16, I started real-

cause my sister was very skinny and always look-

ly embracing how I wanted to be, the only moral

ing so great, I was jealous. I made myself throw up

guide I had was, if I am happy about being a good

as well, when I was 15, for a year, but it didn’t lead

person, if I think that I am a good person, that is

me anywhere. I didn’t get anything from that apart

all that matters now. Anyone who doesn’t think

from having stomach problems when I was older.

that I’m a good person doesn’t know me. I started

Then one day, when I was about 16, I had this rev-

changing everything about the way that I acted and

elation. I realised that the only reason I was feeling

the way that I saw people.

like I might not be pretty or skinny enough was

I got catcalled a lot when I was in school, when

that all of this negative emotion came from people

I was 15. It was really normal for me because I wore

who were jealous of me and generally didn’t think

high heeled boots, I had boobs and I looked fem-

they were better than me. Then I realised that if

inine and guys didn’t realise how young I was. I

people are so mean to me but want to be like me,

would get catcalled and, instead of telling guys to

it’s clearly not a problem with people, it’s a prob-

f*ck off, I would smile at them. I would be really

lem in society, with the way we treat each other. I

polite and I would say, “Thank you, I’m very flat-

realised it’s not their fault and that it was because

tered, I’m glad you think I’m pretty” and, from that

they were told they weren’t good enough. It is be-

moment on, it really changed my life. The moment

cause of insecurities that children and teenagers

that I started respecting people was the moment

will often bring down people that they are jealous

that everybody started respecting me for doing

of, so that they can feel like they are more valua-

that. So when I would talk to guys like that, who

ble, prettier and funnier; if you call somebody fat

would be rude or catcall me on the street, they

it means that you’re not. I realised the people that

would feel a bit stupid afterwards and be like, “Oh

are mean to me are just suffering too much from

sorry, have a good day”. When I arrived at univer-

caring about other opinions. So I started thinking:

sity there was this moment for me, you know when

I’m just going to do whatever I want, dress however

you go to university and you’re really nervous be-

I like. People are always going to say that I’m slutty

cause you feel like this is when you’re going to be-

or that I’m trying to get a lot of attention because...

come the person you’re meant to become, you’re

well, I did. I was looking for attention when I was

not going to be with your parents, no one knows

at school. I wanted, like every kid, to be noticed. I

you. It’s all about your personality, what you look

wanted to be different, I wanted to have my style.

like, who you are and it’s only based on you; not

When I did that, I used to get a lot of criticism for it

based on the friends you had or the family. I was

because I dressed femininely and I wore high heels

really, really shocked because I was complimented

,which people thought was really weird. I realised

so much. I came into university thinking I’m going

people were going to criticise me no matter what,

to be confident and proud of who I am. I’m not

and people were going to assume things about me

going to shy away from dressing how I want, I’m

MAYA DIEGEL

going to be as feminine and as loud as I want to

am beautiful because I am super sassy, I’m kind

be, as long as I’m happy with being a nice person.

of a peacock in that way. I like dressing well, I love

I got so much praise for that. I got so many people

when people look at me like that. I love feeling that

really respecting me, admiring me and wanting to

people are impressed with the way I dress but that

be like me. This really made me think that it’s great

doesn’t come from the way I look. I’m Asian and I

I’ve managed to do that, but now the next problem

have big boobs and It’s like wow, that’s so special,

is that no one else is like that, very few people that

but really I look at myself in the mirror every day

I know are like that. It started making me uncom-

and I see myself without makeup, in my PJs with

fortable, especially with girls, because it was most-

my glasses on and I’m really not that pretty. I really

ly girls giving me compliments. At first I was like,

am not, and I know this and I’ve always been aware

yeah that’s great, I’m getting what I wanted and I

of it. I’ve always been so confident and so aware

was very proud, but then after about two weeks of

that I am never going to be able to change the way

Freshers it was too much. People were giving me

I look. Okay, if I want to exercise, well, maybe I can

too much credit for being confident and the reason

exercise, but I’m never going to be able to have a

for that was because there is a lack of confident

prettier face. This was just what I was given and it

people. It was very obvious to me when there were

really upsets me that people envy me for the wrong

a lot of girls who weren’t thinner or fatter than me,

reasons. A lot of people think that it is great to be

beautiful people, who had absolutely no physical

me because I am pretty and sociable, but it’s not

advantage or disadvantage, who really envied me

because I’m pretty and I’m sociable, it’s because

and wished they were like me. That made me really

I really believe in myself. I think that believing in

uncomfortable because I know that I’m not phys-

myself, in the way that I look, and embracing the

ically more beautiful. A lot of people think that I

fact that I’m not going to be able to change, I have

look at me now, I look great!

to make the best out of what I look like and my

moments where I fail the most in everything. I get

personality. No one is going to like you anyway if

less work done, I have a less happy social life and

you’re a d*ckhead, no matter how pretty you are! If

I don’t expand myself in the way that I can when I

you’re not a nice person, or if you’re mean, no one

believe in myself. My confidence gives me the tool

respects people that aren’t nice. It’s simple. People

to think, ‘Okay if I f*ck up something it’s fine, it

do not admire people who are mean to each other,

doesn’t mean I’m a piece of sh*t’. If you do stupid

or act like they are better than everybody else. The

sh*t and you do something wrong, you’re mean or

reason why I think people love me is because I am

rude to someone accidentally. A lot of people are

a nice person and I love myself. They don’t really

in this mindset that if you do something wrong that

realise that it’s just about my confidence, and it’s

means that you are a bit f*cked up and the thing

only about how proud I am to be myself and that’s

is, you’re not. Like IQ, you’re not simply smart or

why people admire me.

not smart, the people who are smart are the peo-

It’s really difficult, having confidence, it’s not

ple who fail and who are willing to do things again

something you can just wake up one day and think:

and again. Confidence gives you that power to fail,

I’m going to believe in myself. Some people don’t

which is really important. If you don’t push your-

have the choice because they have been brought

self to your limits and you’re worried about em-

down all their lives by school, or their parents

barrassing yourself and if you do something wrong

telling them they’re fat. My parents were always

and you want to bury yourself and not see any-

telling me to lose weight. Sometimes it’s difficult

one when you’ve done something wrong, well then

to be confident and it’s impossible to constantly

no one is going to know who you really are. You

be like that. I still have moments where I feel like

don’t give people a second chance to get a first

shit and I don’t believe in myself, and these are the

impression of you.

DREW

struggled with anorexia throughout much

of my secondary school life. This warped my perception of my body to some wild extremes: I have absolutely no concept of what I looked like between the ages of 11 and 15. The image my mind would show me in the mirror was so severely varying and unrealistic that I cannot pull a straight answer from it. There arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even any photographs of me during this time; I was so wrapped up in hating my own image that I avoided any attempts to document it. As much as I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stand to look at, or even think of, my body, I was also obsessed with it. I would spend hours pouring over my shape and all the perceived imperfections, relishing in the clothes that began slipping at the waist, while at the same time tearing myself down for daring to take up enough space to wear them at all. I spent these years paranoid, intensely anxious about existing in front of other people. My eating disorder took the shape of restriction and terror, taking a far-too-literal interpretation of wanting to disappear in social situations. Like overexposed photographs, many of my memories of this time are now blurred and confused, but the strong feeling of fear persists. It took years of sustained effort and outside help to begin to develop a healthy relationship with my body. Part of that determination stemmed

from a search for a cause to my debilitating joint

close to them, my chair gives me a naturally wider

pain, culminating in a diagnosis of hypermobile

base with which to navigate. Time and again, I am

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome; a connective tissue dis-

now physically reminded that I can, and must, al-

order most obviously characterised by severe

low myself to take up space in the world.

over-flexibility of the joints. This knowledge pro-

At the beginning of last summer, I started on

vided an invaluable new perspective on my body,

a new medication that has resulted in weight gain

and I began to realise that this was a part of me

and body fat redistribution; my shape is once

that could not be given a material value. Coming

again changing and my mental health is strug-

to accept, and even love, my desperately wonky

gling to keep pace with it. Although many of the

joints formed a solid foundation for further ac-

results of this medication are deeply beneficial to

ceptance and honest perception of my body. I was

me, it has also reawakened parts of my psyche I

still awkward, unsure, and avoided taking my shirt

thought I could bury forever. I am once again find-

off around anyone, but I would start to see myself

ing myself unable to discern between reality and

clearly for the first time in years. I regained weight

the paranoid assertions my brain is feeding me. My

slowly, but I remained somewhat spikey to hug for

perception of my body and shape oscillate wildly

a number of years, even after most, if not all, of my

from day to day, leaving me confused and doubt-

anorexia symptoms lay dormant. After almost four

ful of my own mind. It’s not always bad, some days

years with little resurgence, I felt safe. I was com-

I am in love with my new shape in a way I never

fortable in my body, sometimes even proud of how

could have thought possible. Being softer means I

I looked and had begun working up to changing in

can give better hugs, and my body is stronger and

front of others when necessary.

healthier now than I ever was before, and you can

Over a similar timescale, my disability shift-

tell that in a glance. Even when my eating disorder

ed to a more visible form. Between the ages of 16

throws a tantrum because it can no longer see my

and 19, I developed an obvious lilt to my walk due

hip bones.

to my weak ankles and hips. This continued into

My shape has fluctuated greatly throughout

walking with one, and then two crutches, and then

much of my life, from a slightly round-at-the-edg-

increasing reliance on a wheelchair. The biggest

es-child to, what I believe, from context, to have

difficulty for me during these changes was coming

been a desperately frail young teen, from a lanky

to terms with the idea that I would have to take

and bony college student, to a now somewhat soft

up space, both metaphorically and literally. I de-

young adult. Other people’s reactions and percep-

veloped much-needed self-advocacy skills in ask-

tions have always scared me and probably will al-

ing for necessary accommodations and accessible

ways continue to, but I am doing my best to work

venues, and found a voice willing to stand up for

towards a healthy relationship with my own body.

myself when my legs couldn’t, but my days of hid-

Recognising that I am struggling again has been

ing in the corner or at the back of crowds would

a hard-hitting realisation, and one I didn’t want

have to end too. As a visibly disabled person I will

to admit to, but now I have the ability to find the

always be a point of interest in the room, and as a

tools and support I need. And even though my own

mobility aid user I now have to take up more space

personal body image may never be perfect, I know

than most. My crutches stick out from under desks

that it has been good enough in the past, and it

and catch against walls when I try and shrink too

can be good enough again.

ELIZABETH STREETER

There have been times when I’ve felt hopeless. I have Dermatillomania, a skin picking dis-

order, which is an OCD tendency that is linked to anxiety. I’ve suffered from this disorder for five years. I don’t know what started it, but I do know

face is so painful and sore that I can’t even cover it

it’s become a part of my everyday life. Your skin

with makeup. Your face is what you face the world

should be something you don’t really have to think

with, and when it’s red and sore, you don’t want

about, other than washing your face, putting on

to face anyone. I’m lucky that I don’t have many

a bit of moisturiser, but for me, it’s something

scars because I’ve learnt how to look after my

I think about all the time and fixate on with my

skin. I have had a course of Cognitive Behavioural

OCD. Essentially, I find any flaw or imperfection on

Therapy this year, which has somewhat helped me

my face, a spot, a dry piece of skin or even just a

manage my anxiety, as well as the picking, but I

pore that’s too noticeable. I try and make it bet-

still have relapses. The sad thing is, one short mo-

ter, which in turn makes it worse. I end up with a

ment of picking means weeks of healing, and the

red and sore face which I then have to cover up

guilt I feel for that time is horrible. I found a sup-

with makeup to feel like I can face the world. The

port group for Derma on Facebook that has over

makeup then causes me to break out because I

60,000 members, which made me realise that I’m

have sensitive skin and then it’s an endless cycle

not alone with this. So many other people suffer

of picking and covering up. There have been times

from this as well, all over the world, which in a way

when I’ve felt hopeless, sat looking in the mirror

is comforting. So if you’re doing this too, you’re not

after picking for hours in a trance-like state, then

alone either. This was difficult for me to talk about

looking at what I’ve done to my face and bursting

and to share my story, because it’s embarrassing.

into tears. It sounds dramatic, but sometimes my

But if this helps one person who’s also suffering, then it was worth it.

STEPH CATER

15 myself and not have any pressure of a team sport. I can just do it for myself and see if I like it. I had no education about fitness or nutrition and I had no understanding that, actually, if I was in a calorie deficit (I didn’t even know what that terminology was) it would be an issue. I was just really

enjoying eating what I wanted, but being relatively careful and then just exercising loads and enjoying the endorphins of it. I became addicted to it, and

eing a chubby kid, I remember I didn’t get

so that was the start of when I realised I enjoyed

bullied as such, but a couple of family members

weight loss and having a relatively negative image

would always be telling me, “Oh, you’ll be happi-

of shape, but not being aware of it. That’s when

er if you lose weight”. I was always having to buy

I started thinking actually changing my shape is

clothes that were aged four or five years older than

a good idea and something I want to pursue in a

I actually was. When you’re a child, you’re like,

weird way.

‘Why are all my friends in age seven clothes when

I finished my GCSEs around mid April time.

I’m seven and in age eleven clothes?’ I didn’t un-

I went on holiday with my best friend. We went

derstand. You don’t really have a concept of size,

with my grandparents, as we were only 16, but it

but I could tell that it was a bit odd. I didn’t re-

felt more like just a me-and-her holiday. We got

ally mind, but I remember my family always say-

to spend loads of time together. We’d go out for

ing, “Maybe you’d be better at sports if you lost

dinner and she started making little comments

a bit of weight?” They weren’t really pressurizing,

like, “We could share that” or, “I won’t eat all that,

it’s just something that stuck with me. I went to a

but we could have one between us” or, “Maybe we

secondary school where they focused mainly on

could order off the kid’s menu.” At the time I nev-

academics. It was quite competitive with sport, but

er thought it was disordered or weird. I remem-

you had to be really great at it, otherwise they’d

ber thinking to myself, maybe I’m being odd for

not care much, which was nice because I could

wanting a full adult portion? Maybe this is some-

just focus on academics, so I didn’t have to worry

thing my friends don’t do, maybe I’ve been doing it

about sports and nobody was going to tease me. I

wrong? It was automatically in my head that I must

thought I was not getting boyfriends because I was

be the one who’s weird, so I should start doing this

slightly fatter than my friends, but it was always

and we started sharing meals. I guess I noticed

like an ingrained thought. I didn’t really process

things started changing when I returned to start

it as being an issue, but I remember wondering

sixth form in year 12, which is quite a big transition

why my two best friends were getting boyfriends

for ordinary secondary school. Going in at 16, you

all the time and nobody seemed to like me. Later

get some external people coming out, you get new

on, I found out that of course people liked me, I

people, new friends, new guys. I wanted to go into

just wasn’t very good at reading it. At the time, I

year 12 looking really hot, have a banging body and

translated it as, “Maybe because of my size or I

a tan from the holiday. The first day I went in and

don’t look the same as other girls, or maybe I’m not

the girl I’d been on holiday with says, “You look

physically attractive”.

terrible.” I was like… what? I’m dressed up in my

When I was 16, I thought it would be quite a

uniform in this fitted shirt and a little skirt suit. I’ve

nice idea to join a gym because I can exercise by

seen pictures of me and I looked great. I was tanned

STEPH CATER and yes, I had cheekbones that hadn’t been there

I was very fortunate that my local services were

before and yes, I was a size eight where I’d been a

pretty well resourced. It was a well-regarded Eating

size 12, but it wasn’t yet unhealthy and I can even

Disorder service with enough clinicians and a good

see that now. For her to say that, it really threw me

team. My head of year used to drive me there in my

off. I was like, where has this comment come from

free periods, so it was completely separate from

because I hadn’t seen any of that behaviour from

my family. Going there for the first time was really

her at all. We were like sisters, it was really odd to

scary. I remember being terrified because then it

me that that would come out. I brushed it off and

was literally just me taking myself into this clinic

didn’t think anything more of it. I continued to go

and having no idea what to expect. You don’t get

to the gym and we also had compulsory exercise

any information, you don’t know what they offer,

once or twice a week. We had a games session,

what you need, just no idea. I was matched with a

where you could choose from a range of activities,

male clinician, which I originally thought was kind

anything from athletics to Zumba, which was what

of odd. Our personalities didn’t match too well,

I ended up doing with friends once a week. I also

probably because I was already starting to be dis-

continued going to the gym at home, as well as all

ordered enough that I wanted to clash with anyone

of the stuff I’d been doing over summer, which was

who was trying to help me, without really realising

two Zumba classes a week, plus gym sessions at

it. He would try to get me to eat things like a diges-

home, plus gym sessions in those free periods.

tive and a caramel sweet and rice pudding and I

why am I so worried by the way other people I started getting really stressed about the fu-

would be like, but I don’t need that, I can eat kale

ture. I’d always been quite motivated, academi-

and apples and drink smoothies. Why are you try-

cally, and I really wanted to do well. I went to the

ing to give me crappy food? In my head I was like,

school counsellor to talk about stress and how to

I don’t need this, I just need you to fix me and we

manage stress related to academics but without it

can move on. This is not what I need right now, I’m

getting in the way of me succeeding in life (ironi-

just going to skip it. So I started turning up either

cally), and she suggested one way would be exer-

saying what they wanted to hear or what I thought

cise. I thought that’s great, this is not just helping

was the right answer, not necessarily the most

me physically and making me feel great and mak-

truthful answer, without realising I was actively ly-

ing people compliment me, it’s something to do

ing. I just wanted to get this man off my case. I

with my time, giving me endorphins, but also it was

think three or four appointments in he said we

going to help me with my academic stress; what

need to bring in your family. This was the last thing

could possibly go wrong? It sounds like the perfect

I wanted. It was just devastating, the impact that it

concoction. I started doing more exercise and fo-

had on my family. Something that I will never fully

cusing less on looking after myself in other areas.

forgive myself for is the heartbreak of not telling

17 my grandmother originally, the heartbreak of not

I’d got onto it out of thousands of applicants; down

sharing with her that I was struggling and she could

to the last 100. Obviously being institutionalized

have helped me. We started doing family therapy

for those nine months, I couldn’t go, so I missed

where I’d be in the room with my grandmother and

out on that. I had to retake that year of school so

the counsellor or clinician. I never really got on

ended up falling a year behind my friends, losing a

well with it, which was frustrating because I wasn’t

lot of my friends and becoming very isolated.

engaging with it without realising that I wasn’t.

Going back to school was always my motivation

They weren’t really pushing me and so it was very

throughout my time in hospital. I just needed to

stagnant and I was continuing to lose weight and

get myself back on track and I needed to ignore all

nothing was moving forward. My family were trying

of these details about eating. I just needed to focus

to help but it just made me angrier, more secretive,

on being well again, succeeding, and then once I’m

and it just spiralled from there. I didn’t find the

succeeding, nothing else would matter because I

treatment at the beginning helpful at all and it

still had this screwed up perception that success

ended up where I was in emergency psychiatric as-

was measured by academic success. I got back

sessment, taken straight to a general hospital be-

and decided to get better. I had a boyfriend who

cause my observations for my general health were

was very supportive. At the time, I needed some-

so low. I had a ridiculously low pulse and they were

one to support me and encourage me, especially

just worried I was going to collapse, have a heart

with independent eating and things, he was really

attack and die (without being too dramatic). I went

helpful. It wasn’t the original support network I’d

into a general hospital, several institutions, two

had; the best friend who’d been on the holiday

general psychiatric wards, one specifically for

with me had completely cut me off with no

perceive my shape when that doesn’t say anything about me? eating disorders, a local outpatient treatment spe-

explanation. I became more independent with my

cifically for eating disorders, and then came home.

eating and I came off the meal plan. I started to

That was all within the space of about nine months.

think that my body isn’t that bad after all. Seeing

I missed my AS levels, which were the exams that I

photos of when I’d been at my worst, I thought I

was preparing for. I got an email as I was lying on a

don’t want to strive for that, who does want to

general hospital bed a couple of days after my 17th

strive for that? I was skin and bones and I’d lost all

birthday saying, “Congratulations you’ve got onto

of my muscle. Doctors said that muscle within my

the Harvard scholarship programme, we are taking

organs had started being eaten because I’d already

you to America for the four months over summer”.

lost all of the muscle on my actual body. When I

STEPH CATER

look at photos now, I can see more bone than an-

my shape, is how I feel about it. Whether that is

ything else and I just don’t understand how I ever

necessarily a positive thought, or something I

thought that was something I needed to continue

should be continuing to think, or whether that is

striving for; but that is the problem with anorexia.

something I need to challenge and change. There

It consumes you, the body dysmorphia that you

have always been parts of my body that I don’t get

get from it means that you’re never going to see

on with, that I don’t like looking at, that I don’t

what you actually are. All you want is for the num-

want to look at in the mirror. When I’m having an

ber on the scales to go lower and lower, but realis-

intimate moment with somebody, I don’t want

tically everyone around you can see that you’re

them to touch or feel them, because I have this

dying. It’s this compulsiveness that, even now, four

anxiety in the back of my head that I don’t look like

years post-recovery, I don’t truly understand where

I should. It’s something I don’t need to shy away

it comes from. It’s something that’s very scary, very

from, it’s just a body. I am the person inside the

real and something that can come back later in

body and ultimately the way I think, feel, and act is

life. I’ve had several bad points in terms of body

ten times more important than whether the label

image, mainly related to my emotions. My mum

on my clothes says 14 or 6. That’s such a hard rev-

passed away and there was a period when I thought,

elation to come to, especially from the eating dis-

should I continue life, just gaining and gaining

ordered mindset. In an eating disorder hospital, it’s

weight? What is life truly about, what should we

just so competitive. I seem to be one of the only

prioritize? I started thinking maybe I should prior-

people who’s managed to hold on to what is more

itize being healthy so that I can live as long as pos-

important to me. I haven’t been consumed by the

sible. I realised that actually, that thought in itself

illness to the point where I’ve lost sight of where I

was unhealthy, because as soon as I started think-

want to go. No, I’m not at Harvard and no, I’m not

ing about health as a weight-related issue, when

at Cambridge, I’m not excelling in every aspect of

I’d just had anorexia, it’s going to be a warning

my life, but I’m learning that trying to find some

sign. I stepped away from that and thought actual-

kind of happiness, trying to be okay, is equally as

ly, being a size 14/16 is not the biggest thing I need

important and valuable. When you die, you want to

to worry about. I needed to worry about being hap-

leave a legacy; do you want that legacy to be that

py, being healthy to an extent, but being healthy in

you were the girl that had a six pack, was really

a different way. Nurturing my soul and my mind,

skinny, had everyone looking at her body and said

getting friends, socializing and feeling some sort

wow that’s incredible, or do you want to be the girl

of contentment within myself as much as being

that made the difference? The girl who learnt sign

healthy. There’s all sorts of things that I’ve sudden-

language because she wanted to be able to com-

ly started realising, like why am I so worried by the

municate with family friends, or did charity work,

way other people perceive my shape when that

that went to Kenya in the summer to do something

doesn’t say anything about me? It doesn’t say who

to actually help people. To measure my success

I am as a person, it doesn’t say what I enjoy, it

based on my shape is something I’m so glad I was

doesn’t say whether I am healthy or not. I’ve come

able to overcome and now I actually have a much

to realise that all I should worry about in terms of

better relationship with my body.

ANONYMOUS

went to the doctors today and was grilled

about my weight: “Do you eat? Do you make yourself throw up? Have you ever had an eating disorder?”. I was visiting for an entirely separate rea-

I have had people literally shout at me, telling me that I’m anorexic.

son. When I go home, the first thing I hear from my family is, “You skinny wretch.” This is said with a tone of affection and love, but then mum will chime in, “You are eating properly aren’t you?” I have always been small. When I was 12 years old, I weighed four stone. When puberty hit, my weight almost doubled within a year. I have stretch marks across my breasts, my thighs and my bum. When I tell people that I have stretch marks, they look at me with disbelief, only believing me when I bare all. I now sit at around seven and a half stone, 50 kilograms. I would say that five out of seven days I have someone comment on my weight. I have had people literally shout at me, telling me that I’m anorexic. I’m not. More than anything, this is upsetting because they clearly don’t understand that anorexia is a mental health disorder, not a physical appearance. I have had friends grill me when I’ve said I want to go to the gym, “You don’t need to go.” They practically tell me off for wanting to do physical exercise. If I eat healthily, people assume that I am doing it for attention but if I eat junk food, they glare at me and tut, “How do you stay so small but eat such crap?” I worry when I walk into job interviews, will they look at my childlike body and judge my appearance rather than my skills? I’m small, blonde and blue-eyed. There are a lot of assumptions made about me before I even open my mouth. But what I enjoy most is proving everyone wrong. My shape doesn’t define me.

MATTHEW

think I hit puberty quite late, but I grew real-

ly tall and slim. That must have been year nine, so around 13 or 14 years old would have been when I started noticing my shape and that I was different to other people. In the last year or so, I have started being happy with the way I look. I was always unhappy with my shape and the way that I looked. I was super slim, even now my BMI is borderline underweight and my body fat is 7.5% (and under 7% means you’re ill). So I’ve always been super thin. I

I was just really gangly and I could never find trousers to fit.

always ate a lot because I was always hungry but it just never went anywhere. Then I started going to

at college used to call me ankle swingers, and now

the gym at 16. I used to go with my mum and we

ankle swingers are in so like, whatever, I was ahead

did yoga and legs, bums and tums. Then through

of the time. You have to laugh otherwise you would

that, and maybe getting more into the way that I

cry. So yeah, I got bullied. It was a mix of things. If

exercised, I started doing more weights and think-

you didn’t know, I’m a gay man: shock horror. Get

ing about what I was eating more, making sure that

out, stop the bus, shut the door! So I think the bul-

I ate a lot so that I don’t lose the weight. I remem-

lying was mixed up with that, but a good propor-

ber one Christmas, I was 18 or 19, I just did nothing

tion was because of the way I looked. That was just

but eat and eat and I put on three to five pounds,

school and college. In school we wore a uniform

then I went back to college and lost it all in a week

which wasn’t as bad, it was college that was worse

without even trying. That’s something that’s always

because I was so unfashionable.

sat with me. I’m so neurotic about what I eat at

I grew up in a little village in Kent and I went

the moment that I have to go to the gym, that I’ve

to school and college in Robertsbridge in Sussex.

reached the point that I’ve now got my body to

I don’t think it was necessarily an intolerant place,

and I don’t want to lose this. I compel myself to

it was just the people; people are awful. That’s

go to the gym and eat what I eat to keep up with

a gross generalisation but generally, especially

that, and that is a result of being bullied for how

young people or younger people in college. It’s not

I looked. I was a very ugly child. I was just really

Mean Girls clique level but it was like that for me.

gangly and I could never find trousers to fit. People

Even with my friends, I used to hang out with girls,

MATTHEW

25 go, but going makes you feel even more self-conscious, so you have to go more. I got to a point a few years ago that I would go six days a week and would spend three hours there and use it as stress relief. It was an escape for me. Even now I use it as a stress relief and if I drive the seven hours home, then I’ll go to the gym afterwards, I feel really comfortable there. There is some reason to be there. No one would put that much effort into going if there wasn’t a reason to do it. I think so many people are unhappy with the way that they look. People try to fix that, especially with it being January, people try to go to the gym it really used to get to me, it affected how I thought

and that sort of fades off. I think my story is im-

about my appearance. I remember sitting on the

portant to share because it’s possible. I did really

bus home with a really close friend and she would

dislike how I looked, but I put the work in and,

say, “Oh, I would never date someone like you.”

yes, it’s had some negative effects and I’ve been

She didn’t clarify that statement with a reason. It

on this nine-year journey but I’ve gotten to a point

wasn’t even a gay thing. She never followed it up

where I’ll wear shorts to the beach… very, very short

with anything.

shorts. There are still parts of my body I’m improv-

So, a funny story (not that funny, but I find it

ing, but the point is that it’s possible. If you’re not

hilarious). When I was living in Hastings, working

happy, you can make that change in any way you

at an ASDA, I was living with two people who were

want to. You can go to the gym, work out in your

doing MMA stuff, they were really into putting

room, have a salad even one day a week. It’ll make

mass and muscle on. That sort of pushed me into

a difference. People should bear in mind other

eating the right things. I remember I had a shift

people’s journeys. One might look at me on the

but I wanted to do a class at the gym, so I called

beach in my (short) shorts and envy that or think

in sick and made this elaborate lie that I had to go

of me as overconfident and being lucky. But I’ve

to the hospital to have an endoscopy. I then went

been through a journey to reach this point where

home and looked up what that was and realised

I’m vaguely happy with my shape; it’s a journey I

how serious it was and I had to ring up my boss

wouldn’t wish on anyone else though because it’s

and say don’t worry it was just IBS. “I can come

been tough, but through working hard, not only

to work tomorrow… just IBS.” So the point of that

at the gym but on accepting myself, I’ve made it

little anecdote was that it’s got to the point that I’m

through the wilderness. A couple of weeks ago I

so into it that I will make time to do it. Even at the

was in the gay fashion show. There were people

hospice, I would gym five times a week. Even down

there who were all shapes and sizes. They had their

here I would not see friends so I can go to the gym.

tops off and their bottoms off and were happy. I’ve

People ask to see me and I’ll turn them down for

gone through my journey through the gym. But you

the gym. It’s priorities, and the gym is high, and it’s

can do whatever you want to find what makes you

because of what’s happened to me in the past. It’s

happy. And if feel you need to make the change

a really big deal for me. I think the gym is a dou-

then you can, and if you don’t then you don’t have

ble-edged sword. You feel self-conscious so you

to. Just have conviction in the way that you feel.

KIRSTEN PERKINS

27 I was really insecure about my breasts growing up, they weren’t growing at the same rate as everyone else’s. I always felt really flat chested, and even when they did start growing, I still felt like they were slow. I was really concerned about the shape of them and things like that. It doesn’t matter now but I was really concerned about them and seeing my friends’ chests develop was a massive thing for me growing up. Breasts in the media are so associated with womanhood, you’re just like, ‘I’m not a woman’. I think I hit a point when I was 15 and I was just so tired of being insecure about

my body. Being skinny, everyone always says, you’re so lucky, but I had all these insecurities underneath that no one knew about. I don’t want to

n terms of my body, I’ve had a really com-

show anyone my body, I just wanted to wear baggy

plex relationship with it because, like most people,

clothes and I didn’t want anyone to see me. When I

when you’re growing up no one has that perfect

was 15, I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, it’s caus-

body that you see everywhere. I’ve always been

ing me so much grief, I feel like I’m not attractive,

quite skinny but, from my perspective, I consid-

like I’m not fulfilled. In my head I was always like,

ered myself disproportionate in a lot of areas.

what if I had a fat stomach and boobs? I was just

When I was growing up I was skinny, but I had baby

so fed-up of not appreciating my body, I couldn’t

fat, like every teenager. You don’t know that when

wear the clothes that I want to wear, I couldn’t go

you’re growing up, you just think, “Oh my god,

out and do the things I wanted to do. I used to

what the hell, my body looks so odd”. I had a lot of

watch a lot of YouTube videos, which really helped

insecurities around that. I think it didn’t help that I

women. There’s this one YouTuber, her name is

went to an all-girls school, so although that helped

Shannon Boodram, she’s a sexologist and she talks

in regard to not feeling the gaze of boys growing

about a lot of these things. I’m really thankful that

up (thank god, I was already insecure enough, I

I had YouTube and that platform and people talk-

didn’t need boys in the mix!) but then the flip side

ing about their own bodily experiences, because

to that is the insecurity of comparing yourself to

one day I was just like: me and my breasts, we’re

the other girls. I hated PE; I didn’t want to look at

not getting along and I’ve had enough. I decided I

anyone else’s bodies because I was so focused on

wanted to go braless because I’d seen a Youtuber

myself. I didn’t want anyone else to see me, be-

talk about it. They talked about how when they

cause you’d think that I’m skinny but I didn’t want

were braless, they started to become really secure

anyone else to actually see what was underneath.

with their breasts, so I was like, “I’m going braless,

I think the biggest thing growing up that I had in-

I’m never wearing a bra again.” I really wanted to

securities about (which is laughable to me now)

force myself to get used to my breasts, which was

was my breast size. It was a massive issue during

a very conscious decision at 15, but I was so fed up,

my teenage years. I feel like it’s such a big thing for

and at first it was really hard. Obviously, I had uni-

a lot of women, that they’re really insecure about

form for the first year of it, but when I started going

their chest.

to sixth-form and wearing my own clothes it was

KIRSTEN PERKINS

bodily changes. You wouldn’t even think that looking at me I had such a problem with my body, I was really insecure about my belly but also because I was super skinny I was really insecure about being super skinny. It’s the effect of media, it’s the effect really hard. I was so insecure that you could see

of discussions with people. It’s also when you start

my breast shape. I got really into tomboy-ish, bag-

to see other peoples’ bodies growing up, however

gy clothes to deal with that, which helped because

that might be, you know, when you’re just getting

it covered my whole body. Then my body sort of

changed with your friends, I think that can really

became proportionate, my breasts didn’t grow, but

help you understand that nobody’s body is perfect

because I started becoming very tomboy-ish and

and clothes can be misleading. When everyone is

wearing baggy clothes, I actually started to appre-

naked, people have very similar bodies. No one

ciate that I had a somewhat flat chest. I started to not care so much about my breast shape. Then it became like background, it wasn’t until people would point out that I never wear bras that I was like, “Oh yeah, I don’t like them”. I think that was the best decision I’ve made in my life, because now wearing bras is such a thing, I do it if I’m doing it out of respect or I’m in a certain situation, but I’m so comfortable not wearing a bra. I’m so comfortable with my breasts and just my whole body in general. I wear tight clothes now and it seems crazy because, like I said, I’m skinny, so it’s funny when you think I had these problems, it’s so mad. Now I’ve reached a point of confidence (thank god) because

No one has that perfect body

I had to force myself to, because I was just, like, this is ridiculous. I’ve reached a level of confidence

has that perfect body that you’ve imagined in your

where my body shape is fine. I think the thing that

head. As teenagers, that’s a really hard concept to

made me realise this was, I wouldn’t care if I was

get your head around. Particularly with my breasts,

in bed with someone else and it wasn’t propor-

when I started seeing that there was no perfect

tionate, so why should I care about my own? Why

breast, that was a massive thing that helped. I think

am I holding myself to these standards, as most

there’s a sensitivity around bodies that’s starting

people wouldn’t care, and if they did care, they’re

to come into discussion, but I think there’s such

idiots. That was really what helped me, I think that

a long way to go in terms of understanding the

also came through the process of maturing and

complexities of people having problems with their

becoming an adult and realising what’s important;

bodies. I have friends that had body dysphoria and,

realising you should put your happiness and men-

again, you’d look at them and wonder, why? But

tal health first. I think we’re very unaware of how

it’s not that simple, you have your own perception

sensitive teenagers are, how much you’re going

of your body and what your body should be. I don’t

through as a teenager with all the hormones and

make assumptions about people because I think

they have a good body. It’s good for me that I’ve

I think in terms of culture, the thing that affect-

reached a point of confidence, but even to this day

ed me when it came to bodies wasn’t necessarily

there’s going to be people that are my age or older

my shape but my skin colour. I think because I’m

who have body issues, and you wouldn’t think that

half black, half Asian, in both communities col-

they should have body issues, but it doesn’t work

ourism is so rife. To this day, it’s so bad. It’s not the

like that. It’s really sad because it blocks people

community’s fault because, obviously, we live in a

from the happiness that they should be feeling,

very eurocentric society and, because of eurocen-

and I think it’s such a massive block, body shape.

tric beauty standards, there is an aspiration to be

People always think that if they have their perfect

lighter skinned. But growing up, when I was in high

body, they’ll have their perfect life, which is a re-

school, colourism wasn’t even a word. I didn’t even

ally sad thing in my eyes because it’s the least im-

realise how bad my skin colour was affecting me, I

portant thing, it really is. Especially because, when

was just so insecure about my body. The place that

I think about it, I don’t have a body type in mind

I’ve come to now, I never would have thought pos-

when I’m looking for a partner. I’d be really upset if

sible when I was a teenager. Being dark skinned in

I found out that somebody I was about to get into

both the Asian side and my Caribbean side was so

bed with was insecure about their body.

difficult. I wasn’t even cognitively aware that I was

I don’t know why people comment so much

dark skinned because there’s a mix of skin tones in

on young teenagers’ bodies. I got it from my fam-

my family and I wasn’t even conscious of the fact

ily, I think it’s also being Asian, I got it so much

that people were darker and people were lighter. It

from family that I was too skinny. It adds so many

wasn’t until I came to school and I was mixing in

layers when other people point out your insecu-

my ethnic crowds, teenagers are teenagers, I never

rities. Why would you point out someone’s body

got bullied or anything, but the discourse of teen-

weight, it’s so crazy. I guess, like on any end of the

agers made it obvious that if you’re lighter skinned

spectrum, they get that they’re too big or they’re

you’re prettier than if you have darker skin. In

too small. This is the other thing about bodies,

terms of my culture, that really affected how I view

there’s a massive misconception, you don’t know

my body because I was having all these insecuri-

what someone’s insides look like. You might as-

ties about my shape, plus I was really hating the

sume that because I’m skinny, I must be healthy.

fact that I am dark skinned. I also hated all the

I’m probably not, my diet isn’t great and I don’t ex-

features about me that weren’t eurocentric, like I

ercise. I’m definitely underweight, there’s so many

had really bad insecurity around my nose, which

layers to it. I’m probably not healthy, but you as-

I’ve started to reverse but still isn’t completely

sume that I’m healthy because I’m skinny. Whereas

there. In terms of my skin tone, one day I just had

someone who’s a bit larger and isn’t proportion-

a switch. It doesn’t actually make any sense for me

ate, they might actually be healthy. You make all

to not like my skin tone because so many people

these assumptions but really the most important

in my family are dark skinned and there is nothing

thing when it comes to body is health, and you

that should dictate that darker skin is less beauti-

can’t make that assumption by looking at some-

ful. There is nothing inherent about dark skin that

one. People will comment because they say they’re

makes it less beautiful than light skin. Again, being

just looking out for your health. Only a doctor can

on the internet, watching YouTube videos, hearing

tell them if they’re healthy or not. So that’s another

political figures talk and people that I admire talk

crazy thing about bodies.

about skin tone, it all really helped.

RILEY ALEXANDRE

to hate myself. A huge part of me first discovering I was trans was all about people saying, “I hate my body.” I’m trans and there are parts of my body I would love to change, but it’s kind of a relationship of learning that you don’t have to hate. You can not like certain parts of you because those are the things that cause you distress, but you don’t have to hate your body. It’s a relationship that I had to go through and obviously, as with anybody’s relationship with their body, it is constantly changing. Sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s not great, but the idea that I had to learn the best way to be comfortable in myself was to do what made me

happier and what made me feel comfortable in myself and ignore people. I remember the whole, “You shouldn’t wear

he first memory I have of somebody say-

stripes a certain way because one’s flattering and

ing something that made me feel like I don’t look

one’s not flattering.” I didn’t use to wear skirts be-

like other people was in year seven. I remember

cause, when I was younger, I was told they wer-

it so clearly, because you do with these things. I

en’t flattering on my body. I don’t know what that

was eating a salad and a girl who was my friend at

means, because you can wear anything you want

the time came and sat next to me and said, “Oh,

and if it suits you, it suits you. I don’t think body

you always eat really healthily so I don’t get why

type should play into whether somebody should

you’re fat.” That was the first time I was ever like,

wear a certain thing. There are all these rules, es-

am I? I guess I do look different, but it had nev-

pecially if you are a girl. Growing up, as a teenage

er been something I ever thought, I’m ‘this’ word. I

girl, you are told there are things you can’t do, or

just thought I was a bit different. I was brought up

things you can’t wear in a certain way, or you have

in a place where those kinds of words were nev-

to wear this a certain way. I remember somebody

er used. From being a teenager, I always had this

saying if you’re above 200 pounds you can’t wear a

weird relationship with my body and how I thought

bikini. That’s not even that heavy! You have to teach

I should look. I was very heavily influenced by how

yourself that the things you learnt are wrong and

people said, ‘If you’re this, you have to look this

the things that you were told by people, especially

way’, especially with being trans and also when I

as a teenager, because that’s when things really set

realised I was a lesbian. I thought I had to look like

for you, don’t really matter and are not true. That’s

a lesbian! Then, when I was trans, I thought I’d have

not how the world works and that shouldn’t be

to cut all my hair off and wear jeans and polo shirts

how you view and judge yourself. Now I just wear

and if anybody ever calls me a girl I’d kill myself,

what I want. A lot of the time people think I do it

that kind of thing. Then, as I got older, as some-

for attention, but if you get dressed in the morning

body who is, quote-unquote, fat, and somebody

and think, ‘I want to look nice today’ would you

who is trans, I felt like there is this idea that I have

say that’s because you want attention? I dress like

RILEY ALEXANDRE

The best you can look is when you are being authentically you. this because I like dressing like it. If people say

or a dress and just cry because it doesn’t fit and

you look nice it’s like, ‘Oh, cool, somebody thinks I

it doesn’t make sense why it doesn’t fit because

look nice,’ but I also get a lot of negative attention

that’s the size that should fit you. It’s hard, but

for the way that I dress. Obviously being told I look

try to get past that fact because clothing compa-

nice makes me happy, but I’ve been dressing like

nies don’t care about you, and that size doesn’t

this for four or five years now and I’ve had people

mean anything as long as you’re happy in your

take photos of me in the street! I’ve had people ask

body. Obviously, if you’re unhappy and you want

me for photos, which is sweet, but then I’ve had

to lose weight or gain weight, awesome, do that,

people take photos and they’re really bad at being

but it doesn’t mean everyone else has that train

discreet. If you’re going to do it you could at least

of thought. You don’t have to if that’s not going

try and make it less obvious! I’ve had people laugh

to make you happy. If you are fine with how you

at me and say things to me and I just think okay,

look but just feel like you have to lose weight, then

but I’m happy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my

maybe try a different thing. Try a new wardrobe or

body and in myself because I just stopped doing

a new hair colour, because sometimes just a tiny

what I was told I should do to fit in, and I’m just

thing can change a whole perspective of how you

going to do what makes me happy and it hasn’t

look at your body. When I started dying my hair

failed so far.

everything changed, because I like how I look now

I think the advice I would give as a quote-un-

just because I have colourful hair. There is no such

quote chubby or fat person is, first of all, don’t

thing as boy clothes or girl clothes. They are all

look at clothing sizes, because every store has a

clothes and they are fabric and it literally doesn’t

different size system. I know what it is like to stand

matter. The best you can look is when you are be-

in a changing room and try on a pair of trousers

ing authentically you.

KATIE ROSE

I got two buckets of KFC for my birthday! I love food but I just wasn’t hungry. Even when I made myself eat, because I was doing so much dancing that I needed to eat, it would just come back up again. The combination of that and dance meant I dropped three stone in about a month and a half, it just went. That’s when people would go, “Oh my gosh you’re looking great, you’re looking so good!” but knowing that I got there unhealthily, I would think: is this how I’m meant to look? I never got these compliments before and when I dropped all the weight it seemed like the rest of my body sort-

ed itself out, my skin cleared up, my hair got thicker and nicer and I thought this is great! I’m getting all these compliments, I look so cool and then my

n theory, it began when I was a lot younger, I

weight just kept going down. I would get faint, I

just didn’t realise it began there. All the insecurities

was getting a bit too skinny and the comments

I had when I was younger, I didn’t realise were inse-

would change to, “You look too frail” or “You look

curities until I got to university. I went to university

too thin” and I thought, I literally can’t win. What

to study dance and I thought, “Wow, I’m taller than

do you want from me?

everyone, I’m larger than everyone”, not bigger, but

A lot of people thought it was down to having

just proportionate-wise. I was substantially larg-

a new boyfriend. They thought I was losing weight

er than everyone else. I’ve got bigger feet, longer

because of him, because of the relationship, but

hair, all these little things that I never thought was

it wasn’t. He was very supportive, he would make

a problem became a problem, even though they

sure I ate properly but everyone just got very con-

weren’t at all. I came from a theatre background

fused. The only people who were concerned were

into dance. Dance is a really tough course and to

my family and friends who knew why I became

go from dancing three times a week to dancing all

that way, but then that’s when it started to become

day, every day, for eight hours a day, was absolute-

more of a mentality thing. How am I meant to look

ly insane. I found myself, in the first year, slack-

then? I’ll never have a flat stomach, my boobs

ing off because I wanted to improve my shape

will never be the perfect shape, I can’t change my

and other things but, because I was sad about it, I

height, I can’t change my foot size. There were cer-

didn’t improve and I would overthink about what I

tain things I became insecure about and I thought

hated about myself rather than thinking what can

‘Am I supposed to be insecure about this? Am I

I love or what can I change? I had never really no-

supposed to be changing this?’ It was a really

ticed these insecurities until I came to university.

weird phase and it wasn’t until my recent break up

It was the end of my first year, and within a month

that I thought I don’t care anymore, I’m just going

I just wasn’t hungry. It was so weird, it wasn’t a

to do what I want to do. If I want to eat junk food,

case of ‘I want to change my body so I’m going to

if I want to eat healthy, if I want to go to class every

stop eating’, I just was not hungry, and I love food!

day or if I want to skip a few classes.

KATIE ROSE

I’ve recently gone through quite a few injuries.

body. I look after myself so why does my body not

I tore a ligament in my foot in my first year of uni-

want to function like a normal person’s body? It’s

versity which was misdiagnosed as a torn muscle.

been a really weird journey and one I wasn’t going

I was told to rest it for two weeks and then I went

to share because it’s not that dramatic. But I read

to work during the summer. I was on my feet for 12

something somewhere: if you’re drowning in two

hours a day, which was not good. I went for a scan

feet of water you’re still drowning, and if someone

and was told I had torn a ligament in my foot. I

else is drowning in 50 feet of water, you’re both

was coping with a foot injury, and then I broke my

still drowning. It really got to me and I thought I

wrist, which is now growing back the wrong way. I

would like to share my story.

had these injuries, my foot and my wrist and then

It was towards the end of my first year and I

I was in a crash on my way home from universi-

had to choose what path I was going to take on my

ty, which was caused by a major back spasm as

course; I had a new boyfriend, I had a lot of family

a result of a cyst which burst on my ovaries. All

stress, university stress, everything was beginning

these things kept happening. This was before my

to pile up. I thought I was fine but I wasn’t and it

breakthrough, and every time I would look in the

took a lot to admit that I wasn’t. I would think that

mirror I would think, ‘Why am I so broken? Why

others have it harder than this, so don’t complain.

does my body not work like these other dancers?

I’m glad I’ve gone through it, because I’ve come out

Why can’t I go to the gym every day, and do class-

the other end. I still have insecurities, I am a taller

es every day? And be a bit shorter, a bit this, a bit

dancer, I’m a larger dancer and I dance in different

that?’ It was really getting to me to the point where

ways to my friends. Dance is beginning to accept

I thought ‘Why am I at university anymore? What

different body shapes but there is still a stigma

am I doing on this course?’ I was going through

of having to be this kind of normal or this kind

a ‘down-time’ and I don’t know what it was, but

of not normal. It feels like there is no in-between,

I suddenly started to pick back up again. It may

you either have to be a physically able dancer or

have been the recovery from the crash, but some-

a physically disabled dancer. We acknowledge

thing just picked back up and I thought I can’t

the difference and inclusiveness but we don’t ac-

change any of this, I don’t know what people

knowledge the people that are in the middle that

expect from me but I’m just going to have to do

aren’t one or the other. It’s difficult to describe that

what I can and love who I am. I started to do lit-

middle-bit of the spectrum. Casting agencies still

tle things that I used to feel insecure about. It felt

expect a ‘normal’ dancer that can bend in a certain

like I had come over this peak of a mountain and

way, can move in a certain way, is a certain weight,

I came down the other side with Ariana Grande’s

height, shape. Then there’s the opposite end of the

song ‘thank u, next’ as my life motto. I’m not lying

spectrum where people who aren’t as physically

to anyone, I’m not covering anything. I did my first

able with a form of disability are acknowledged

physical class today, I got really sweaty and it was

and made to feel included, but there are people

the first time in three years that I have ever taken

in the middle who have a different body type or

my top off and worn just a sports bra. It felt really

move in a different way, it still feels like that’s not

empowering and I was, like, look at my rolls; it was

accepted. My body moves in a different way. I am

great! For me, it was concern about shape, weight

a bit frail, I can’t lift someone in that way but also

and size, but a lot of it was also the fragility of my

I can’t be lifted. It still feels like there’s something

missing and there is still a massive stigma around

my muscle and my general fitness and I’m getting

body shape, especially in dance.

more compliments now than I did when I dropped

When it comes to being confident, it is much

all that weight. I’m getting more compliments now

easier said than done. I preach to so many of my

because I’ve built up this muscle along with this

friends about how great they look and how they

confidence. I’ve got a haircut that I was too scared

should feel confident but they don’t. I give all the

to get, a new piercing and a tattoo, all this stuff I

advice to them that I should be taking myself. It is

thought, can I? Should I? I’ve just done it. I’ve done

so easy to go to other girls and say you look stun-

it now, deal with it, and everything else is catching

ning and you should always encourage everyone.

onto that vibe. I’m getting so much more positive

My highlight on a night out is when a girl comes up

feedback in my life. It feels like I’m getting good

to me and says, “Your top is great” and I’ll reply, “Do

karma for having a good outlook. So confidence

you know what, so is your hair” and it’s great! It’s

is a massive thing. Any problem is a problem.

that confidence. I just forget all those other insecu-

Whether it’s a lack of confidence or some form

rities. I’ve found, recently, that the more confident

of struggles with eating, shape or fitness, speak to

I am, the more compliments I’ve been getting. I’ve

someone, anyone. No problem is too small.

put on more weight because I am trying to build up

HOPE TITLEY

started recognising my body when I started

getting comments in school, and we would have to wear skirts. I was quite small so I would either have the choice of wearing a skirt that would fit me but would be very short, or a skirt that would cover everything really well but would have to be pulled up the whole day. I would get comments like, “Why are you wearing such a small skirt?” I would have to explain that none of the others fitted me. I would get called twiggy, stick, all of those sorts of things, mainly when playing a sport or getting changed in the changing rooms. This would have

looking at me, asking why I’m wearing it, telling me

been in around year five or six, so I would have

to take it off because I don’t need it. At that point,

been nine or ten, so I was quite young. The name

something really new was happening with my body

calling made me think about why they were calling

and I was quite young. As I got older, around 14, I

me that, and made me compare myself to other

has a double D sized chest and that made it real-

people, especially when I was being called anorex-

ly awkward. Especially at school. Your bra shows

ic, which is horrible and you shouldn’t just throw

through your shirt, and people start to comment

that out. It made me wonder, why did people see

on it, grown men would comment on my boobs

me that way? It also made me think what I could

and call me out. It made me really uncomfortable. I

do to almost stay in that skinny spectrum because

didn’t know how to handle it at that point. So I was

that was what I had seen as being positive. People

just really self-conscious. I was developing a wom-

were calling me names for it but it was better to

anly shape but I was still just a child. It was really

be seen to be slimmer than it was to be curvier or

difficult, everyone started treating me differently

plus size. It was probably something that played

just because I looked older. I remember when I

on my mind more than I realised as I got older. The

was on holiday with my friend, we must have been

more I went out and wore different clothes, or even

ten or 11 (we were riding scooters, to show how

when I started to notice myself without clothes on,

young we were at that point). We were just scoot-

was when I became really self-conscious and the

ing around and we went past a group of guys on

names would come back.

a hill. One of them took his shirt off and started

My body started developing at a much younger

running down the hill towards us, and as we went

age; around the same time as the comments start-

past he spun his shirt and smacked me on my bum

ed. For PE, having to change in front of a lot of

and shouted ‘P*ssy’ at the top of his lungs. I was

people; I’d be wearing a bra and people would be

really scared and when we got to the top of the hill

my long-term boyfriend. He’s completely fine with it. There will be moments when I’m okay with it and I felt really guilty. Because of that I really hated my

then there will be times when I say no and I want

chest, the chest I’d been given. That wouldn’t have

to keep my shirt on. It’s bad because it’s a part of

happened if I looked as young as I was.

me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of, it should have

Growing up, I went to school wearing a uni-

been something that I’ve grown to love. As a skinny

form. But, luckily, in sixth form, it was really in-

person, I do have this ‘skinny privilege’, but it does

clusive. There weren’t many rules on what you

come with these [points to her chest]. It was hard to

couldn’t wear, which was really helpful. There was

make people aware. There was a time I was kissing

no one telling me I couldn’t wear a vest because

someone and they put their hand up my shirt and I

I can see your chest. It helped me to grow and to

instantly went ‘No, I don’t like that’, and then, soon

like myself more. There was no one in my college

after, they left. That was pretty weird. I told my sto-

that made it out to be something negative. Coming

ry because I love the body positivity campaign and

to University has been weird. There was a period

making people feel involved and loved. Sometimes

between sixth form and university where I was

I see quips like ‘real women have curves’ and that

quite confident with my body. I went to a festival

makes me feel they‘re excluding people with cer-

where it was quite normal and natural to be na-

tain shapes. It’s important to make people feel

ked, which for some people is really odd. But all

that if they’re slimmer all their life then that’s okay

the stuff growing up made me not want to show

too and it doesn’t matter. That’s just who you are.

anyone my breasts and I still don’t really like it if

If you start growing boobs early, whatever. I just

people touch my chest. The person I’m with now is

wanted people to know they’re not alone.

ABBI WHITNEY

rowing up and being around other peo-

Marketing on social media is a huge reason

ple at school, I recognised that I wasn’t the ide-

why there is such a label on bodies. Now compa-

al shape, like what is shown on TV and stuff. You

nies are moving away from the ideal body shape

see the ideal figures and it gets to you that you’re

model, but when I was growing up, there was

not that shape. In America, the ideal shape was to

nothing like me and that was why it was harder to

be a Victoria’s Secret model; to be skinny and to

accept my shape. Moving so far away from home

be someone that everyone else wants you to be. I

really impacted my independence. Learning how

thought being skinny was what everyone wanted

to love myself and starting over was really helpful

me to be, the ideal image. I got really scared when

because I’ve come to accept how I look. I dress

I was in a bikini in the summer, as I never had the

how I want and eat what I want, and as long as

‘summer body’ I wanted. I was lacking in body con-

I’m happy it’s all I really care about. If I want to go

fidence and I really didn’t feel comfortable in my

to university wearing sweatpants and eating pizza

own image the majority of the time; it was quite

then I will, nothing is going to stop me. I just need-

embarrassing. I think I put this upon myself as I

ed to explore life, really. I think having a boyfriend

imagined myself to be one way and I wasn’t look-

isn’t a big factor in accepting myself, but to love

ing like that. I didn’t work out very much, but it

someone you have to love yourself first. I do think

was more a feeling of wanting to look like this but

that’s true, you need to let yourself be loved by

never getting to that point, that was a real strug-

you before you can let others in. You need both

gle for me. Just having to learn to accept this is

sides of it. People can keep telling you that you’re

what I look like and I need to be happy about it.

beautiful but if you don’t believe it then you’ll just

As soon as I hit puberty, I noticed that people were

keep putting yourself down. If you don’t think it’s

developing in a way that I wasn’t, especially dur-

true then others saying it won’t change your mind.

ing middle school. I started seeing people get into

Accepting myself has been a rollercoaster journey.

relationships and being happy with themselves. I

I’ve gone through stages of being super skinny and

was behind with understanding myself. It was dif-

not the weight I want to be. Now I’m getting to a

ficult because when you see people understand-

point where I am happy and I exercise because I

ing themselves faster than you it puts you down,

want to. I just want to share that it takes time, these

you don’t understand why you’re different and why

things don’t come instantly. It’s a learning experi-

you’re not like them. When you see people online,

ence, to love yourself and everything that comes

looking happy on holiday and stuff, it’s great that

with you. If I could go back to my younger self, I’d

they can do that, but it’s not something I can get

tell myself to ignore all those messages you see

myself to do, even though I’ve accepted myself. It

about bodies and not to focus on my body. We are

still has an impact on you.

all different and we will find ourselves at different times and that’s okay because that is what makes us unique.

FINN SMITH

y family are all quite short and stocky,

so growing up, before I went to school and saw other people, I thought my body shape and my height were the norm, because that was what I saw from my family and the people directly around me. We were all very similar. When I went to school, I began seeing other people and their different body shapes. Growing up, it was mostly the case that I was seen as ‘cute’ because I was so small, mainly

ing in secondary school, this group of year 11 girls

by older women and with quite a lot of my mum’s

took me to one side and they were like, “Can we

friends. I remember having my cheeks squished

take a picture with you?” I’m sure they didn’t mean

even when you go beyond the age where it’s ac-

it in a malicious way, but I felt like a freak show,

ceptable to have your cheeks squished. My height

seen as a novelty because I’m so much shorter.

goes one-on-one with youthfulness, and not being

I find it interesting that, going into university, I

taken seriously because of that. My mum tells me

really don’t receive comments as much. I feel like

that in the workplace, as a woman, she’s not tak-

that’s because people realise that it’s not an ac-

en as seriously and then because she’s so much

ceptable thing to say to people. I feel like it’s a

shorter she’s, again, not taken as seriously. All

change in maturity, where, now, I’m able to accept

the way through school I was bullied for being so

my height. But, especially with being trans, most

much shorter, especially going into high school. I

trans guys have height dysphoria and they just

remember once, I think it was the first week of be-

want to be taller, even if they’re already like five foot seven, which I think is quite tall because that’s a foot taller than me and I’d love to at least be five foot, but that’s not going to happen. Quite often I have people saying, “Oh, men stop growing at 22”, and it’s just like urm, I stopped growing like four years ago, so I’m not going to continue growing to 22. I’ve stopped and I feel like it’s better for me to accept the fact that I’ve stopped growing, have less

FINN SMITH

energy focused on wishing to be taller and focus more energy on loving my body and appreciating it. Not necessarily in the whole, “Oh I’m cute because I’m really short”, because that sort of thing I had trouble with. For a long time, I had trouble

Looking away from the negative things, not nec-

with being called cute because it was being turned

essarily ignoring them, but having less space tak-

into a derogatory term, even though it has abso-

en up by things that you don’t like and replacing

lutely no connotations of being mean. It was be-

it with things you do like, that’s really helped me.

cause all of the older girls as I was growing were

Nothing about me physically has changed, it’s just

always calling me cute, and I was like, “I don’t want

my mindset and people looking at me and not

to be cute, I want to wear my hat backwards and

saying anything about my height. That makes it

stuff because I am a tomboy!” I feel like that, again,

easier to change your own mindset. A year ago I

ties into gender and toxic masculinity. You never

would never have believed I could be this happy

want to be called cute as a man, especially when

within myself and within my own body. Hearing

I was first coming out as trans to people, you have

other people talk about how they’ve coped with

this idea of having to be as masculine as possible.

different things that they don’t necessarily like, or

I have always been very aware of my height be-

things that they wish they could change at some

cause there was that social eye on you, where it’s

point, and then them accepting that, could help

almost like people are telling you that you should

other people and help them learn to grow and

be self-conscious about it. Then you start to be

accept their own bodies. I think the media is es-

more self-conscious about it, and it starts eating

pecially bad with this sort of thing because you

you up because you realise that you can’t change

only see people who are tall, slim, and they have

this about yourself. I remember, a few years ago,

the same sort of body shape. They’re always quite

I was seriously contemplating saving up to have

tall, especially models. For men, the models are

bone-breaking surgery done to make me grow an

quite muscular and even taller. You don’t normally

inch, which is dumb because I don’t need that.

see people who are small. They’re taking people

If I want to be an extra inch taller, I’ll just wear

who aren’t the normal type of people you see, but

extra-high-heeled shoes. At the moment, I’m not

they’re taking that and exaggerating it in the media

that bothered about my height. I feel like I’ve had

so that it feels like anyone who isn’t that is wrong.

time away from people talking about it, so I can

I feel like the inner beauty of your personality isn’t

reset in my head what I think about my height. I

appreciated or valued enough in the media, it’s

think it’s also about having reassurance from oth-

more about how you look.

er people, like my friends telling me things that

In school, when I came out as trans, I think the

they like about me that are more masculine traits.

height thing made it a lot worse because it was like, “I’m a man now, and I’m really short.” I don’t think it was my own ideas of that though, it was mostly from my mum, which is strange because she’s as short as I am. She was just worried about me because she thought that I would find it harder

in life as a short man rather than a short woman. But it was harder hearing my mum’s worries that she put on to me because I don’t think that was what I needed at the time. To hear, “You’ll find it so much harder because you’re so short, and now you’re wanting to be a boy, so you might get more criticism in school.” But in reality I didn’t get as

I would never have believed I could be this happy within myself and within my own body.

much criticism, it was just the younger years being prats and they weren’t targeting my body as such, it was more about how I looked so androgynous. They would say, “Are you a lesbian, or what are you? Are you a boy or a girl?” that sort of thing. So maybe that took the weight off of being so short, it was more targeting how I chose to portray myself, which I don’t know if that’s better or worse, but I feel like I dealt with it better. It should be more appreciated more, the differences between people’s body shapes, because different bodies can be so beautiful and unique. When you look at a tree, it’s really interesting and has lots of character because it’s so different, and if all the trees were all just straight up and the same shape and size, it would be really boring. I don’t know why I went for trees, but I feel like shape and size should be so much more appreciated because humans are naturally so different. I feel like it’s a waste not to appreciate all these different people. We need to realise that the bodies in the media aren’t natural but are produced by the media.

PHOEBE COPPELL

fat, skinny, big, tiny, wibbly or wobbly. I

No more stand where these comments were coming from. I started to look in the mirror and wonder if I was actually seeing what I looked like or if I had some sort of vision malfunction. I started eating less and working out more but the nicknames and comments just continued. Coming to university I thought it would all be different. I would be in an environment of mature individuals who had probably been through problems of their own. I suppose it did get better for a while, but it didn’t last. Comments like, “Girls like us shouldn’t wear trousers like that” and “Is that what you’re eating? That’s a lot of carbs” started

’d like to think that if I had never received

to come out. I decided to join a gym, not to lose

any comments about my weight or shape, I would

weight, but to gain more confidence in the body

have no insecurities. Unfortunately, this is not the

that I have and embrace my strength. I stick by my

case. My earliest memory of verbal comments

decision to never weigh myself unless it was for a

about my weight comes from secondary school

medical reason, because it is something that I sim-

where I was nicknamed ‘thunder thighs’. I chose

ply don’t care about and don’t want to care about.

to embrace this because I played football, which

However, joining the gym was the best decision I

meant that my thighs were strong and I could often

could have made. Not only have I seen improve-

kick the shins of the boys that created the nick-

ments physically, but I have also seen improve-

name. That’s not to say it didn’t affect me internal-

ments mentally. By no means have the comments

ly. I would often laugh and go along with the joke,

stopped, in fact I get them nearly every day. I still

but inside I was left confused about my weight. My

constantly look in the mirror and debate wheth-

thighs didn’t appear to be any bigger than most

er what I’m seeing is the same as what everyone

of the other girls, but were other people seeing

else sees. That will probably never change, but at

something different? Then, in college, the nick-

least I feel good about myself and I know I’m mak-

names continued. I was now ‘chubbs’, which hurt a

ing positive changes in my lifestyle. I hope that,

bit more than thunder thighs, and it made me re-

from my story, people just stop commenting on

ally consider whether I was overweight. I did dance

someone else’s weight altogether. No more fat,

every day (I went to a performing arts college) and

skinny, big, tiny, wibbly or wobbly. If you feel you

football every Saturday, so I really couldn’t under-

need to comment, for example, say someone is wearing an outfit that looks lovely on them, and I would like you to replace those words with fit, strong and healthy.

HOLLY ASTON

very teenage girl has insecurities with

their body. I think it’s important to make sure that it doesn’t manifest into something else, as it has done for me. Through school, and especially through sixth form, I was the chubby, fat friend in my group of girls; it was a really terrible time. When I came to university, I was fine in first year but then I think all the academic stress of second year especially, and last term, was just too much. I used food; I was obsessed with food. Not obsessed with eating, but obsessed with counting and weighing and all that kind of stuff. I went to see the counsellors on campus and they basically said, “We think you have anxiety which leads to disordered eating.” I don’t want this to be that thing where everyone’s like, “Oh, I feel so sorry for her”, it’s not like that, I’m not particularly underweight or that kind of thing, but I just think it’s important. I want to do this because I want to show that you don’t have to hit a certain point of misery before you have to rise above it and try to challenge it.

As I said, every teenage girl has their insecuri-

and I’m alone, by myself, it’s a completely differ-

ties, but I have been particularly anxious about my

ent story. Honestly, I think university, deadlines

weight and shape for a really, really long time. In

and living so far away from home was what really

second year I lost almost two stone, but I did it re-

exacerbated it.

ally healthily. I had slimmed down and I was a real-

I feel like disordered eating can be really

ly good shape, but then I just became defined by it

glamorised by certain social media, certain enter-

and I was so scared of putting it all back on again.

tainment and films. It’s really important to know

When I went to see the counsellors last term, even

that you don’t have to reach this pit of utter de-

though you only get six weeks per student, they

spair before you realise there’s an issue and try to

were really nice to me. It wasn’t that helpful, but it

resolve it, whether that be on your own or going

was nice to sit and talk to someone about your life

to see somebody. Instagram, especially, was real-

who you didn’t know. The counsellor helped me

ly bad for me, but every girl would say that, and

to understand that this was a completely separate

a lot of people, girls and boys, would understand

part of me that didn’t need to consume me, and

where I’m coming from. For a few months, I did

that was really helpful. I think over Christmas and

de-activate everything on my phone and that re-

this term especially, I’ve learnt to come to terms

ally helped. I deleted all the apps and now I use

with the fact that I can’t really control every single

that new screen time thing to help make sure I

thing that I put in my body.

don’t spend too long on any social media. I feel in

It’s really isolating. Even though some of my

a good place now, but it might be just because I’m

friends know, it’s so isolating to be alone and food

not particularly stressed out at the minute. I do find

becomes this thing that’s terrifying. But food is

that stress for my anxiety is a big factor, but I know

so social and it’s the one of the main ways that

now that I deserve more than what I put myself

you bond and communicate with people, so I felt

through in second year and last term.

like I had to sort it out before it got any worse.

I have quite a good understanding of my own

I didn’t want to lose anybody, or lose myself, or

emotional needs. I wasn’t in denial for that long

fail my degree.

and I realised that I need to sort myself out basi-

I didn’t tell anyone for a long time because I

cally, and here we are. Over Christmas, I challenged

know people who have been through a lot worse.

myself a lot to eat certain things and do certain

I’m not particularly sick or unhealthy, or unhealthy

things. I overcame it in the safety of my own home

in a physical way, but mentally I felt really alone.

and with my own family so that I could come back

I found talking to people about it was really help-

and feel ok. That’s what I was pretty obsessed with,

ful, but it was also scary. Christmas is an espe-

the numerical and the weighing, and that side of it.

cially hard time for anybody who’s been struggling

I’m not going to say I wasn’t eating, because I was

with food and the idea of food, but it’s the kind

still eating enough, but it was really portioned and

of thing where, around family, my boyfriend and

controlled. It’s definitely important to realise that

my friends, I don’t really feel it as much. I feel like

everybody, no matter what size you are, can have

I’m fine and I’m able to overcome really horrible

these kinds of issues and not generalise it to the

thoughts easily. But then, when I’m at university

classic, typical image of it.

RENIETA PASHOVA

anyone talk about skinny shaming; it might be a minority. Nevertheless, it’s still their battle and we need to raise awareness. Because it is a minority of people, others don’t understand it. They would understand the effect of telling someone that they’re

overweight and they need to lose weight, it would sound super offensive and everyone knows that, so no one dares to comment on it. But it works

t started when I was a child. I would walk

the same way for people who are underweight. In

with my parents and adults would say to my mum

my case, it has always been something that peo-

that I was too skinny and would ask if there was

ple observe, and it just slips out of their mouth.

something wrong. It has always been natural for

It’s not necessarily on purpose to make me feel

me to be slim. I have never had any illness or an-

bad. They don’t realise that somebody has already

ything like that, which sometimes made it hard-

observed it and so has the world. There’s no need

er because there was nothing wrong with me but,

to make that statement about something obvious

from the outside, it looked like there was. That

and about something you may be trying to pass

continued throughout school and that’s when it

over or get to terms with. Maybe you are happy

became harder. People weren’t necessarily mean

about it, but people start telling you certain things

in school, it wasn’t bullying. Sometimes it would

and you think, ‘Wait a minute, is it wrong?’

just be as simple as a comment that didn’t mean

I don’t like the word skinny. Being skinny can

anything, but you took it the wrong way, depend-

be seen as, not a crime, but I remember a song by

ing on where you were at with your confidence. I

Meghan Trainor which was specifically about com-

would say that people should think before they

forting women who are overweight, which is fine,

make a comment and think about how that per-

but it says, “those skinny bitches” and I personally

son feels. I’m quite lucky because it never affect-

found that song weird. Some people don’t choose

ed me too much, but I know some people might

to be skinny, it’s not something that you do to look

turn to self-harm or worse. Everyone is going

like Barbie or to wear size zero. It’s sometimes just

through something, and whether this is their nat-

who you are and you’re not doing it to compete or

ural body and they’re trying to like themselves the

to make others feel bad. I feel like, to compensate

way they are, or they are going through something

for feeling uncomfortable with being overweight,

and they’re fighting it, this is part of their identity.

people shame others who are skinny. People who

Making comments can affect how people perceive

are naturally skinny may have gone through some-

themselves and their confidence.

thing or are just at that stage with their body, and

I don’t think ‘skinny shaming’ is that common.

it seems like it’s not normal because we’re encour-

I don’t think people are really that aware of how

aging bigger women, which is fine, but they’re turn-

much it affects someone. We hear about prob-

ing opinions against skinny people and perceiving

lems that occur when someone is overweight and

it as bad or pretentious. When I had a few months

not being able to lose weight. That’s very common

of being unwell, I would go to the gym to help me

and people are starting to become more aware of

to get more tired, to burn calories to increase my

it. It’s being talked about, but I have never heard

appetite and build up more weight. But that can

be looked down on as well. The gym is usually the place where people go to lose weight, so when you are doing it for the opposite purpose people look down on you. Nutrition specialists say to gain weight healthily is harder than losing weight. When you go to the gym it’s much harder to work towards gaining weight, especially when you have a natural infinity to not store a lot. Sometimes the battle can be much harder than losing weight. You get some weird looks and some people wondering why you are at the gym. They’re not aware of your battle and trying to make yourself eat more to gain that weight. I was in a girls-only gym and, for some reason, the instructor was a guy! It made me feel worse because it was that element of being insecure while you’re there. I think it’s women who shame the most; sometimes my own friends. I’ve had a few comments from boys which were harder to take in because, even if it isn’t someone you like or have a crush on, it’s just the fact that they say it that makes you feel unattractive in general. When I was talking about this to my mum she said she never thought I had a problem, it never concerned her because she knew I was a healthy child. I didn’t have any illnesses and I ate well. She said, “They’re probably just jealous”, but I never knew if it was really jealousy, I couldn’t tell. Sometimes it could be because people try hard to lose weight and then they might be jealous because you are naturally slim. I don’t think that has been the case with me, it was just stating it. I’ve had it from my friends and it’s not necessarily something that they’ve tried to bring me down with, just something that they have observed, and it slips out. They don’t realise how much it impacts. It’s worse when people don’t know how much it affects others. If someone says it’s because they are being mean, and they want to bring someone down, you can say, “Well, you’re doing that on purpose, I’m not going to believe that”, but when people say it without realising, it’s worse.

ROXY BANKS

53 issues in my life and he told me I had reached a dangerous weight. I had to go to hospital and I got

better, but then it got worse and I had to go away to a special unit for four months. It was there that I realised how fragile life is, and that what you look guess body shape was something I became

like and your shape are not the key to happiness.

more conscious of as a teenager, and the anxiety

I never thought that losing weight was going to

manifested itself into worrying about how I looked

solve my problems, but it was just something that

and maybe not fitting in completely. It start-

helped at the time.

ed there and slowly I noticed it became the next

I got better. I had to put on weight. I had to play

thing. I always had little things I fixated on, not re-

a game to get out of there because the unit wasn’t

ally OCD, but tendencies to obsess over thoughts.

great; it was a multi-purpose unit where there were

The body thing came next. I just didn’t have control

a lot of people with different issues, it wasn’t just

of my life and I thought, if I could control how I

eating disorders. I thought if I followed their rules,

looked, then maybe I would feel more comforta-

put on weight, changed the way I looked, they

ble or something would happen that would make

would all be happy, I could leave and that’s what

me cope better. When I was about 13, I decided

happened. It proved my point at the time. No one

to cut back on what I was eating. I was in quite

really listens; it felt like nobody was listening. It

a toxic friendship group at the time, and people

did save my life, I did put on weight, but because

had a lot of opinions about what was bad. I always

nothing had been sorted out I relapsed again as

thought I was quite a strong person, not really a

soon as I got out. I had taken four months out and

sheep. I loved my food from when I was I kid, I was

I had missed all this schooling. I had to watch my

a big foodie, so it was kind of ironic. I thought I

sisters get their GCSEs and move on. I knew that I

would never be someone that didn’t eat and it just

was tearing their life apart, it was a lot of trauma

happened. I became unhappy and I started eating

for them. I’ve always felt bad about that. It felt like

less and I lost loads of weight, but nobody really

it was all over something so stupid; I felt stupid.

noticed, or nobody said anything if they did. I’m a

After that, I relapsed and went back to hospital

triplet as well, so I’ve always been compared to my

and then I finally realised that I had done enough

sisters, not by the way I look, but how good I am

damage to myself. I had hit rock bottom and then

at something. I guess I’m the competitive one. We

I had gone that bit further. I thought, I can’t keep

never competed with food but it was just some-

on doing this. I could see how many people’s lives

thing I was finally good at. I felt that nobody else

I was hurting around me. I thought, I’ve got to get

would go down that route. I quite quickly started

better because at this point people were telling me

to lose a lot of weight but my friendship group is-

it’s not just about how you look, if you get that ill

sues weren’t being resolved. One girl in my group

your body doesn’t get certain chemicals and your

started pointing out things and picking at what I

bones aren’t great. Nobody told me until that point

was eating. That was lighting the fire to something

that my bones might be suffering and there are

that was already happening. Everybody else was

long term effects.

telling me, “It’s all in your head, she’s not doing an-

There is so much about anorexia, which is

ything.” I just couldn’t cope. I started losing more

what I was diagnosed with, that people don’t know

and more weight. I got to a weight where my heart

about. They think it’s just to do with magazines

wasn’t great. I was seeing a counsellor about other

and the media. People see things and they want to

ROXY BANKS

I always thought I was look like that and then they lose weight, but it’s so

my teenage years; as a teenager, from 13 to prob-

much more about the control. It became an obses-

ably about 17, I was either ill or in recovery, but

sion, that I could control the way I looked. I wasn’t

my head was still not better. It’s about reminding

aiming to look like anything, it was just a number

myself how bad it can get and of what I want in the

I could hold on to, and if it was going down then I

future. If I want a family, then I want to have that

was happier. I didn’t know why, and I’ll never know

option at least. Those are things that help me keep

why, that was the case. It was a very rocky road to

going. Now, in the gym, I prefer to do classes with

start putting on weight again. There are so many

other people. It’s great because it’s controlled and

little things: you lose your periods with anorexia;

someone is watching out for me. There are other

I got told that if I didn’t sort myself out I wouldn’t

people there and you don’t feel alone. When I was

be able to have kids in the future. I hadn’t thought

‘ill-ill’ I used to go off and walk a lot. I would be out

about that before, and I thought I have to give my

on my own for hours and there would be nobody

future self a chance. It was weird thinking I had

there to say stop. No one could find me because

spent all that time trying to lose something, to

I would make myself disappear. I think moving

then get back to square one but with these conse-

schools was a big part of that. When I came out

quences. I was told that I had probably stunted my

of hospital, I had the option of dropping down a

growth. I wasn’t ever going to be tall, we’re all short

year and watching my sisters go off, or start at a

in my family, but I probably would have reached

new place. I decided to move schools, and I think

five foot, which would have been nice. I have un-

starting afresh was a big part for me. I think any-

til I’m 25 to gain more bone density. I’ve got off

body that must take a year out, for whatever rea-

quite lucky, I’ve had no breaks. My bone density

son, shouldn’t panic. It was the best thing I did;

isn’t great, but I can go skiing; I know so many oth-

start somewhere fresh with a new routine and a

er people in that situation who can’t. They have

healthier outlook on things.

bodies of eight-year-olds, all because of this thing they have done as a kid.

I found that eating disorders start because of feeling lonely and not fitting in at school. I drift-

I’ve had a lot of help from counsellors in the

ed through a lot of friendship groups, but I found

past, but services change a lot when you’re 18, so

that I couldn’t find one that would accept me.

I didn’t carry it on post-18. We discussed that this

School kids can be quite harsh; nobody had ever

is normal, and I’ve got a supportive network of

said there was anything wrong with me, but I liked

family and friends who’ve kept me on the straight

working and I didn’t like getting told off or getting

and narrow. I’ve got to remind myself that I’ve got

into trouble. I was up for doing things, but I wasn’t

a future and I can’t go back there. I wasted all of

going to turn up to class late and I was always

quite a strong person going to hand my homework in. I wasn’t prepared

tell anybody for months and months, some people

to throw that away, and because I wouldn’t do that

thought I had had cancer! I looked a bit of a state

it was almost like I wasn’t accepted. I found when

when I arrived, so there was this big rumour going

coming back from holidays people had moved on

around. I couldn’t tell anybody what it was, and I

and they just didn’t talk to me. There’s no closure

think that mental health does have a big stigma

on half of it, you’re suddenly not good enough. You

around it, but people are more accepting these

can’t please everybody; there is too much pressure

days and you should definitely speak to somebody

in school. They have assemblies on healthy eating

professional and find the right friends. You can hit

where they tell you to eat your five fruit and veg-

rock bottom, but I didn’t think at the time that I

etables a day. What I needed was someone to tell

wouldn’t be here, but I am, and I got to university.

me that eating cake is fine in moderation and you

It is knowing, no matter how low you go, there is a

don’t have to limit yourself to one packet of crisps

way out, you just can’t see it yet and it might not

a week. It doesn’t matter if you have one every day

pop up in the next week, month, year, but speaking

as long as you’re balancing it with healthy food. If

to people is important.

you exercise you probably need to eat more. I used

Whilst living away from my parents for four

to get comments on how much I ate but I was al-

months, I learnt to be resilient. I was always quite

ways quite an active kid even when I was younger.

a shy, nervous child, and to be suddenly stripped

I was never a fat child either, I had never had any

and put in this place was quite traumatic. I was the

weight issues.

youngest on a ward of people up to 18; I was 13. I

Friends are really important, but it depends.

saw a lot of things that I wished I hadn’t seen and

Lots of people have little hang-ups, especially

it put a lot of things into context in life. It made me

around areas like this that are sensitive. You could

appreciate what I had and I’m lucky to have such

speak to somebody and they wouldn’t necessar-

a supportive family, even if at the time I was angry

ily get it, so you need to speak to somebody who

at them for putting me there. Now I can look back

really knows what they are talking about. It can

and go, ‘Yeah, I get it, I get why you did that, I get

be hard, but so many people that I have spoken

it’s because you care.’ At the time it felt like they

to won’t speak to somebody professional. I think

had given up. You just have to remember that it will

helplines are great. I didn’t use them (I’m not great

get better, which is the most annoying thing you

talking on the phone) but I know people that have

can say to someone who is struggling. There are

and have found it helpful. Seek somebody profes-

good days and bad days.

sional and don’t be scared because nobody is going to judge you. When I changed schools, I didn’t

ALANAH LENTEN

s a girl, you are always aware of your

older I started to care a lot less about how my body

body. I have three older brothers and I was the only

was. Now that I am more sporty I like the feeling of

girl. My time growing up was very different from

being strong, every girl should have that feeling of

theirs. Particularly growing up and hitting puber-

being strong and able to conquer something. I al-

ty, acne starts and your body completely changes

ways thought the women that brought me up, like

shape. I think the most I’ve ever noticed was be-

my aunties, my mum and my cousins, were con-

fore Christmas this year; I guess that shows that

fident women. Looking back they must have had

this thinking never stops and comes at different

insecurities, but I would never have known. I think

stages for different people. I went through a bad

that’s one of the reasons why I carry myself the

break-up and I felt really inadequate, and from

way I do. I don’t often wear bras, partly because I

the stress of that I lost a bunch of my hair, which

don’t have big enough boobs to actually justify it,

was really bad for my confidence. My acne started

but I don’t really care about people’s opinions to

coming back too. That was probably one of the

stop doing it. I know if I can do it, and even if there

most recent times I didn’t feel like myself.

are whispers and people judging and I brush it off,

I definitely take into consideration the choice of what sport I am doing with regards to my shape.

then it inspires other girls too, which, for me, is just a really great feeling.

In the evening, every day in years nine and ten, I

I grew up in Leicester and went to school in a

would do 20 squats. I don’t know why I did, I just

strict Muslim community school, and many girls

felt that I needed to get my body in shape and

felt they couldn’t express themselves in the ways

needed to look like models and popular girls at

they wanted to. A lot of them could but many felt

school who always had the best bodies. As I got

that judgement, and were glad that I was a bit

ALANAH LENTEN

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve begun to embrace who I am

different and didn’t care; it made them feel that they could do what they wanted to. I’ve had girls who have nicknamed me Nips, cause I’ve always got my nipples out, but then that group of girls

know? I think as well, touch rugby is great because

come in the next day saying, “Free the nip!”, which

it’s mixed, it’s a completely different dynamic. The

is just the best thing. I think that’s why I talk about

boys have begun to trust the girls and pass to them

it a lot, because every girl should, and can, feel how

and recognise that some of these girls are really

they want to. I hate the feeling that people couldn’t

good players and have the capability to be as good

do something that they want to do because they’re

as the boys.

scared someone is going to judge them. That, to

At the moment, I’m just living the best life, es-

me, is not a good enough reason. Coming to uni-

pecially since I was at such a low at Christmas. I

versity, I’ve begun to embrace who I am, and as you

missed a month of university and couldn’t get out

get older you do begin to care less about how peo-

of bed in the morning. But now I’m just embracing

ple feel about you. I think those who might care

every opportunity and it’s been quite overwhelm-

still are not important people. It’s their immature

ing to see how far I’ve come since then. A month

personality, not yours. It’s not a reflection of you,

ago, it was a nightmare, constant crying. This year,

but of them. I think that doing sport has made me

I want to push myself more. Get into more sport

feel strong and confident at university.

and get more girls into sport. I just want to be a

The Cheerleading team are so lovely. Whenever

happier me. I want to care a lot less about how

I talk about the society, people are worried that

I look and just embrace life. I just wanted to tell

they are gonna be catty and bitchy but, honestly,

my side of the story. When I had that low point it

they are the sweetest girls. They are all so support-

would have been amazing to hear something like

ive and because we are all of such different capa-

this, that you can have those low points but it can

bilities, everyone encourages each other to try new

be really good. You can sit there and constantly

things and improve. One of the hard things about

critique yourself or you can just end up loving all

cheerleading is that people don’t class it as a real

those imperfections and being proud of your body,

sport, they feel like it isn’t hard. But we’re lifting

but you should also be proud of other peoples’

each other and throwing each other around, you

bodies, which just makes it nicer for everyone.

DAISY MANDER

I would try on 10 million outfits before a night out, and I knew that my friends could talk to anyone they wanted to, and the chances were they would do well and get their number. That was never going to happen for me, which just reinforced my idea that my body was gross. I needed to lose weight but I couldn’t get the motivation to do that and I was embarrassed. Then I came to university and that barrier started to break away. I met more people and I got attention from men. At 18, I finally felt what it was like to get attention. I started thinking, “Oh maybe I’m not horrendous.” Then I got into a

lovely relationship, but after a year and a half that ended, and I went back to thinking it was because of my body; he chose someone else because of

hrough my childhood, it was never really

how I look. I put on weight during that relationship

a massive issue, but as soon as I got to second-

because I was very comfortable and didn’t realise

ary school I started to open my eyes about it all. I

it at the time, but the minute it ended I was like,

quickly found myself a lovely circle of friends but

“Oh my god look at me!” I would sit at the mirror,

it didn’t take me long to realise that I was the big-

this sounds ridiculous, just looking at myself, poke

gest one of them all. When you’re 11 you don’t real-

bits of my body and think of things I wanted to go.

ly process that too much, until you get other peo-

I never think it’s my personality, I always go to my

ple saying it to you. At that age, it’s really hard to

body. It would get to the point where every time I

hear from someone else, when you’re just coming

went to the toilet I would weigh myself. I know it

to terms with it yourself. This was 10 years ago, so

was wrong but it was the mindset I was in.

that’s how much it has stuck with me: I was in one

Social media has such pros and cons.

of my lessons and we had to get paired up. One of

Instagram at the moment, oh my goodness, you

the kids in the class got paired up with me and his

see these girls who are having waist surgery, boob

mate started laughing and said, “You’ve got the fat

surgery, bum surgery, lip surgery and botox. That’s

one.” It didn’t bother me at the time but it’s stuck

no shame on them, absolutely, it’s their body—do

with me. As the week went on, it got more and more

what you want. But when that’s not an option, that

under my skin. Time went on and I remained the

becomes what you deem as perfect and you’ll nev-

bigger one but I just sucked it up and dealt with it. I

er get to it.

got to about 14 or 15 and all my friends started get-

I love Love Island. Shows like that, all that trash

ting boyfriends, but not me. No one would give me

TV, I love it. These girls are gorgeous, I would love

a second look. I thought, this is an issue, my size is

to look like that, but then I have to recognise it’s

an issue, it’s wrong. All these things were coming

not all natural and it’s not something I can afford

into my head. Through 14 to 18 it was a real issue.

to do. Shows like that can be toxic. You’re picking

DAISY MANDER

a handful of girls and guys and you’re silently saying, “This is what you should look like because this is how you get men’s attention.” They’ve all got a great tan, long hair and no one is bigger than a size eight. It’s hard to watch because you will never get a guy like that, look at a girl like me. But I still watch it, I absolutely love it. However, when I watch it and take a step back, I can see the negative effect that it can have. I haven’t sat down this year and told myself that I need to lose weight or go to the gym etc, but I’ve told myself to love myself more, you know? People are used to seeing me bigger, they would tell me I was getting too skinny. Now I’m a healthy weight, but to them, it isn’t right. For me, it’s more important to be comfortable with myself than having physical goals. Obviously I can’t talk from experience, but I respect those who are naturally skinny. They’d have exactly the same issues if they weren’t accepting of themselves, much like someone who is bigger. All bodies should be celebrated, and I want to feel the same as them, and it’s becoming more real for me now. For me, my body has always been an issue; I’ve never fully accepted myself. I think it’s an ongoing battle. It’s not like I’m at the other side and I’m telling my story because I’ve got through it. It’s important to talk about it and, hopefully, it’ll be beneficial for others to know people who are going through it right now. I can understand how someone feels when they’re going through it, rather than just hearing the recovery story. It’s good to hear people who are learning to love themselves. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. I think it’s important for people to know they aren’t alone. I know I’m not alone, and that’s why it is good to know that some people are still going through it, and it’s not all recovery stories.

All bodies should be celebrated

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS DIRECTOR

GRAPHIC DESIGNER

Harry Bishop

Enrico Artuso

PROJECT MANAGER

LOCATION PHOTOGRAPHER

Lexi Goodland

Lucy Sarjeant

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

STUDIO PHOTOGRAPHER

Alice Cass

Danielle Goodland

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

SOCIAL MEDIA COORDINATOR

Allie Guy

Mikki Choy

SUB-EDITOR

JOURNALISTS

Josephine Walbank EVENTS COORDINATOR

Abbi Whitney

Katie McVey Harri McLady Amber Skye Higginson

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