Volume One Back 2 School

This being Volume One’s fourth year in school, so to speak, we’ve decided to progress like a fourth-grader and make a section themed after notes. You remember the days of playing notebook games, “Do you like me?” notes, forging signatures, and all those secrets. Well we threw all these ideas in a pile, were all ready to go, and some young whippersnapper had the nerve to tell us no one writes notes anymore. It’s all texting. So we scrambled, added a few pieces for the mobile age, and foresaw a near future where no one remembers the game MASH. And cried.

Editor/Writer: Kinzy Janssen & Trevor Kupfer Contributors: Eric Rasmussen & Charlotte Pike Design: Brian Moen

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What kind of student were/are you? a pop quiz, hot shot ONE

FOUR

When the class decides to play a prank on the sub, what transpires?

Your attitude toward grades is:

A Your sense of integrity impels you to

pristine GPA.

A If I get a B in gym, it will taint my

put the kibosh on it

B A marker of diligence more than

B You laugh along with the others, but

secretly feel a twinge of guilt

smarts. Not the end-all be-all.

C They’re a crock.

C You’re the culprit who put the tack

FIVE

TWO

What is your attitude toward Senior Skip Day? A My inner uprightness crumples at the thought.

A sit at your desk and wait patiently for instructions B make a paper airplane to entertain

you for a while

B It’s not something I was planning on, but if my friends skip, I’ll skip. Maybe play some disc golf.

C Isn’t that every day?

C sneak into the locker room of the

opposite sex

You need to read a book and write an essay for English. You choose ...

Your assistant principal has let you in on a secret: she’s rigging the student council election so you can be on there by default. You choose to ...

A Catcher in the Rye with a 25-page research paper on how it helped shape the modern hipster movement B The Old Man and the Sea because it’ll

only take a day C Of Mice and Men because how different could it be from Ratatouille or Fievel Goes West?

Your science teacher says you can do whatever you want for the Science Fair. You choose ...

A to complete Nikola Tesla’s plan for a particle gun B that vinegar and baking soda volcano C to forget about it until the day of, make the solar system out of wire hangers, and forget two planets

SIX

It’s the last day. Your biology teacher lets the class suggest ideas and vote on an activity. You suggest ...

THREE

If you are handed a pink slip, that harbinger of detention, what is your reaction?

A throwin’ in an educational film on B going on a mini-field trip to Dairy

B Dang! I got caught.

Queen

C Add it to the wall of shame at home.

C burning old homework papers & worksheets in the field out back

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SOON

A turn her in to the authorities B take a spot where you’re not important … I don’t know, something like treasurer C blackmail her for her parking spot, five reams of overhead projector transparencies, and a pack of gold stars

TEN

You totally forgot the brown-bag lunch your dad packed you, so you improvise by ...

A explaining the situation to Delores, the head lunch lady with whom you’ve shared many rousing conversations, who spots you a hot lunch for the day B nibbling on what scraps your friends are willing to part with C stealing some underclassman kid’s and making fun of him while you eat his PB&J with the crust cut off and cold chicken noodle soup with stars

SCORING

the stunningly beautiful and wild orca

A Tears of remorse and deep grief.

COMING

NINE

EIGHT

on her chair

If the teacher disappears for an indefinite amount of time do you...

SEVEN

A

= 1 point

B

= 2 points

C

= 3 points

D

= Fail

14-17 points

22-25 points

You are an overachiever, spending too much time studying and not enough having fun. You probably wear something sensible based on the day’s weather.

You’re not bothered by your C-student mindset, because you’ve got a mean streak and adults-can’t-run-my-life way about you. You don’t care what you wear; they’re just clothes.

10-13 points

18-21 points

You are a straight-A student with an uptight prettytwo-shoes personality. You probably wear sweater vests.

You’re a B-student and a bit of a follower, which isn’t necessarily bad, because you’ve got a lot of friends, but you can have original thoughts, too, you know.

You wear the same ironic t-shirts as your friends.

Comprehensive articles and event listings about hikes, orchards, drives, markets, hayrides, corn mazes, & more!

Does your business have an interest in this field? Take advantage of this focused connection to potential customers with an ad in this once-a-year special section! .................................................................................................................................................

SPACE Sept.99 SPACEDEADLINE DEADLINEFri, Fri,Aug. Aug 27 27 PUBLICATION Thu, Sept Call Call today today for for details details 715-552-0457 715-552-0457 or or email email mail@volumeone.org mail@volumeone.org

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26-30 points You’re the naughty kid, who might do a stint in juvie if you’re not careful.

You rotate wearing the same week’s worth of dirty clothes, most of which are black.

Let MASH Decide the Rest of Your Life when you’re sick of school and adults running your life, let this notebook paper game take over SIGNIFICANT OTHER

The celebrated game is all set up for you, so grab a friend/parent/acquaintance/ total stranger, ask them to pick a number, and circle whatever item (one per category) on the list corresponds to the number until your whole life is outlined.

CAREER

RESIDENCE

COLOR OF HOUSE/CAR

Neil Gaiman (author) Jack Dawson (Titanic) Doug Michaels (WQOW) Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) Kato Kaelin (OJ trial)

WRR explosion control Silver Spring taste tester Heir to Menards fortune Express mascot understudy Lake Altoona bacteria tester

Bon Iver’s log cabin Phoenix Park apartment Llama farm Apartment above The Joynt Banbury Place

Lake Menomin algae green Babe the Blue Ox blue Bluegold blueish goldish Indie music hipster flannel City budget in the red

Dear Abby (columnist) Ashley Baylor (WEAU) Annie Hall (Annie Hall) Elizabeth Christianson (QuinnElizabeth) Mary Brunner (Manson family)

ADDRESS

VEHICLE

HONEYMOON LOCALE

Next to Cascade Paper Mill Lake Hallie Third Ward At the Confluence Oakwood Hills

Paul Menard race car Honey Weiss Jeep Sacred Heart helicopter Duct tape car Where the Wild Things Are VW bus

The Las Vegas room of Metropolis Taliesin Leinie’s Lodge Paul Bunyan Logging Camp The Creamery Inn

(of local significance)

Get carbon paper and trace the signature Never give a teacher an actual signature, so they have no basis for comparison Conveniently spill coffee on top of it so it runs

Forging Notes/Signatures

You don’t ever want to write slowly, so practice enough to be comfortable and then fake it real fast

among the most annoying tactic in a teacher’s bad-grade-punishment arsenal is the take-it-home-and-get-it-signed. But if you follow these tips, one day you may be good enough to forge an entire note to get you out of something.

Study your parent’s signature meticulously – so basically do what you didn’t do on that test Hire a graphologist, or handwriting expert, to do it

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Origami Fortunetellers Never Lie directions to make these flowery seers of the future, and suggestions of local fortunes to stuff in there

Repeat with the remaining three corners.

Take your sheet of paper and make it a square.

Now you should have a smaller square with an “x”

Then fold a corner to the opposite corner, making a triangle

Then fold the opposite corners together making a smaller triangle

Flip the paper over so it looks like four boxes instead of four triangles.

Unfold it. You should have a square with an “x” crease.

Now fold a corner to the center, or where the “x” crosses.

Then take a corner and fold it to the middle of the “x.”

Repeat with the three other corners.

Now you’ve got an even smaller square.

Fold and unfold the bottom to the top.

Do the same with the left side to the right.

This last step is hard to explain. Push the four corners of the square together in the center and slide your thumbs and pointer fingers into the flaps, creasing them back so your fingers fit nicely. You should be able to move the flaps like a puppet.

Now the “x” in your square should be an asterisk.

Now write colors on the outside flaps (of different letter amounts), print eight things on the inside flaps (numbers, perhaps), and print four fortunes on the four inside flaps.

SUGGESTED FORTUNES You will become addicted to the cafeteria’s cheese sticks and grow into yet another childhood obesity statistic.

You will lose your social standing when a classmate skims through your iPod and discovers your impressively complete Kidz Bop collection.

You will finally abandon your love of Axe Body Spray products and will instantly become exponentially more appealing to the opposite sex.

The laws of probability will finally pay off when all of your guesses on your next multiple choice test will be correct.

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The Test a Mad Lib exercise and grammar teaching tool Good morning! Time to wake up! Since you spent all last night _________________________, you need to study for today’s _____________________ (verb ending in -ing)

(adjective)

test about _____________________. But first, you need breakfast, so you grab a big bowl of ____________________. Then, as you reach for (plural noun)

(plural noun)

your notes, you see that your pet _________________________ _________________________ all over them! Oh no! You fire up your computer (animal)

(intransitive past tense verb)

and head to _____________________ to see if you can find the information you need. You glance at your _____________________ located on (website)

(timekeeping apparatus)

your _____________________, and shout “________________________!” It’s time to go. You hop on your ______________________ and speed to (body part)

(exclamation)

(mode of transportation)

school. You run through the _______________________ front doors, wave at the _______________________, and find your classroom. You sit (adjective)

(school related profession)

next to the ____________________ (adjective)

kid just in case you need to copy.

But wait! The teacher is talking about yesterday’s test, the one about ____________________ that (plural noun)

you missed because you were way too _____________________. You’re (adjective)

saved!

Secretly Passing Notes it’s a science texters will never fully understand or appreciate Stand up and find a reason to walk past the person you want to get the note. Walk to the garbage can, the pencil sharpener, the bathroom, or up to the teacher with a question. Drop the note on your way.

If they sit behind you, pull the old yawn-with-arms-in-air-droponto-desk tactic.

If they’re in front of you, drop it down the back of their shirt.

Write it in secret code so only your friend will know what it says.

Keep the writing and paper as small as possible.

Pass the note to someone you trust and ask them to pass it on.

Repeat if necessary.

Keep the message short. Just add the information you need instead of writing a long, drawnout letter.

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Text Message Decoder

Young Person Jargon Translator

use your knowledge of texting during class (without looking) to decode these super-secret messages. The first number is the key you press, and the second number is the number of times you press it to text a letter.

for adults that find notes, and suspect something is afoot SAMPLE NOTE .......

TRANSLATION

Sup Shorti,

What is going on with you, female significant other?

You lookin’ straight up phat bangin* with all dat bling, baby. Sorry for gettin all krunked last night.

My bad. I know you think I was all up in yo peeps’ grill about callin the po po, but whatevs. Ain’t no thang.

You look completely, totally, without lying, pretty hot and tempting, and attractive with all of that flashy jewelry. Sorry for having an excess of energy or alcoholic beverages last evening. I apologize for doing something incorrectly. I know you believe I confronted your associates/cohorts/friends’ teeth or facial area regarding contact with police authorities, but you are wrong and I concede to agree to disagree. It is not a big deal.

Anyway, G2G. TTYL. Hit me up.

Anyway, got to go. Talk to you later. Give me a call on your mobile or cellular device.

7x3, 6x3, 6x3, 8x1 space 2x2, 3x2, 3x2, 7x3 space 6x1, 2x1, 5x2, 3x2, 7x4 space 8x1, 4x2, 3x2, 6x1 space 2x2, 8x2, 7x3, 7x1

XOXO BTDTGTTAWIO MTFBWU

Hugs and kisses.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and wore it out.

May the force be with you.

What did the dentist give the marching band?

*Not to be confused with “Bangarangin,’ “ which is an adjective for a person resembling a sexy Peter Pan.

Where do cows eat?

8x1, 4x2, 3x2 space 2x3, 2x1, 5x3, 3x3, 3x2, 8x1, 3x2, 7x3, 3x2, 2x1

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay?

2x3, 8x2, 9x4 space 8x1, 4x2, 3x2, 6x2 space 8x1, 4x2, 3x2, 9x3, 3x1 space 2x2, 3x2 space 2x2, 2x1, 4x1, 3x2, 5x3, 7x4

Why do vampires drink blood?

2x1 space 8x1, 8x2, 2x2, 2x1 space 8x1, 6x3, 6x3, 8x1, 4x2, 7x1, 2x1, 7x4, 8x1, 3x2

Why was six scared of seven?

2x3, 8x2, 9x4 space 7x4, 3x2, 8x3, 3x2, 6x2 space 2x1, 8x1, 3x2 space 6x2, 4x3, 6x2, 3x2

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

3x3, 6x3 space 3x1, 7x3, 4x3, 9x4, 9x4, 5x3, 3x2

BONUS: Common Secret Meeting Areas and the Activities Probably Going Down There

The Boys Room: smokers are testing out the new brands they stole from their parents

Shop Class: kids are gluing stuff together and throwing nails up the suction chute

Under the Bleachers: girls are avoiding the pep rally and ripping on the cheerleaders

The Computer Lab: funneling government money into untraceable offshore accounts and playing Oregon Trail

The Roof: trying to find that Nerf Vortex ball that got up there last week

The Woods Behind School: black market deals on Yikes pencils, Trapper Keepers, and Lisa Frank sticker sets

The Monkey Bars: boys are fighting to prove whose dad would win in a fight

The Boiler Room: planning mutiny

Answers: The calfeteria, Cuz then they’d be bagels, Root beer makes them burp, A tuba toothpaste, Cuz seven ate nine, Fo drizzle

SPACE DEADLINE Fri, Sept. 24 PUBLICATION Thu, Oct. 7 Call today for details 715-552-0457 or email mail@volumeone.org

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Making Service Learning Fun UWEC students MUST do volunteer work, so here’s a few of the coolest ways students have fulfilled that requirement

A teddy bear drive that made stuffed animals available to children who come to the hospital for a sexual assault examination (Sacred Heart Hospital – Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners)

Assisting low-income individuals with tax preparation (Volunteer Income Tax Assistance)

Several families in Nicaragua didn’t have access to a school during the rainy season, so the service project raised money for a bridge, which is currently built

Producing a comprehensive brochure on sculptures throughout Eau Claire

The study of sea turtles on hotel beaches in Greece

Student found underground rivers by studying a cave (Wind Cave National Park)

Assisting children with autism at the AACT (Autism Awareness, Care, and Training) in Ghana, where the disease has a strong social stigma

Assisting an Optometrist during their examinations, providing service in some cases to those that are unable to pay (Advanced Eyecare Center)

Providing support to a native Spanish speaker from Veracruz, Mexico in his transition to an American high school (Altoona High School ESL)

Designing a map for the city of Eau Claire as a resource for ex-offenders, which included locations and contact information for food, clothing, jobs, and health services in the Chippewa Valley (Americorps*VISTA)

Found and directed a group of artists to create a body of work that describes the 30 universal human rights each of us are entitled to, then displayed the project on campus later that school year (Amnesty International)

Using data attained by GPS, they made a distance and elevation map of a cross country track, which hadn’t currently been mapped (Arcadia School District)

Replacing the presently non-functional Bugs of Bandelier display case with a display of the common insects of the area, for educational use by the public and the park staff (Bandelier National Monument/Wildlife)

Helping raise and care for native butterflies, acting as a tour guide in the butterfly house, and maintaining the butterfly house (Beaver Creek Reserve)

Founded a student organization entitled Students Against Eating Disorders (SAED) on the UWEC campus, which in turn organized Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Running activities for a portion of the 600 fifth and sixth graders who come from all over Wisconsin for the Annual Wisconsin Groundwater Festival (Center for Watershed Science & Education)

Helping households change their fire addresses, so when they call into 911, the police know exactly where to go (City of Arcadia)

Inspecting boats for dangerous weeds such as milfoil, and charging the launch fee (City of Shell Lake Invasive Species Program)

A group of students created a silent movie to spread awareness for and encourage healthy food choices for college students (Communication & Journalism Department)

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