"Be Pretty"

Lessons of Love Learned Through Loss

I lost a step grandpa to suicide, a dad to lung cancer, a brother to colon cancer, a son to a chromosome disorder, a father-in-law to Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and, this past June, I lost my 84 year old mother to natural death.

I have never liked the word “lost” when referring to a loved one that has passed. I think we use it because it’s succinct and to the point, with less syllables. They are NOT lost. I know right where they are—heaven.

We will all experience the loss of a loved one and that loss that we experience is usually their gain. In many cases, they go to a far better place, free of pain and sorrow.

There are lessons we can learn from loss. These lessons can become part of the legacy we leave when we become someone else’s loss.

My son, Tyler, passed away at one day old from Trisomy 13, a chromosome disorder in which there are three chromosomes versus two on the thirteenth set. One of the lessons that I learned from his loss is that sometimes a grandparent has a “double grieving,” bearing the loss that their children have experienced and the loss of their grandchild too. My father-in-law, Gary, taught me this lesson. He is now in heaven with his grandson.

I carried my son, Tyler, to full term. I knew the doctor’s report when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I was told that he would have a brief life on this earth. The lesson I learned was that walking in faith, despite any negative report, can allow you to live more joyfully, without fear and anxiety. I learned that you can have peace in the midst of a storm.

My mother, who passed over 3 months ago, was an incredible woman. She passed on a legacy of fun, adventure and travel that I enjoy today. My mother gave me a confidence in myself that led me to believe that I could literally do anything. While on a cold call for my first advertising job, I made a stop at the Chrysler headquarters and I asked the receptionist if I could speak with the owner. It never even occurred to me to be afraid or that “no” was an option.

My mom, Dawn, was known to most people as “Honey.” She acquired this name because the first grandchild heard my dad affectionately call her “Honey.” Her granddaughter thought that was her actual name. Those who knew my mom knew that she was also as sweet as honey. The lesson of love I learned from my mom was to be positive, kind and sweet to others and to know that you really can do anything. She taught me that we are the authors of your own lives.

Each time I left my home, either by myself or with my friends, my mom always told us to “Be pretty.” That was her “goodbye.” Her mother said it to her and I, in turn, said it to my daughter. It’s part of my mom’s legacy. Those words will likely live on for generations after her.

“Be pretty” meant to be smart, wise, discerning and kind.”

What are the lessons of love that you have learned through loss? What can you pass on to those that you know and love? What will be your legacy?

As we enter this upcoming holiday season, we will all have opportunities to pass on these lessons. Don’t wait until it’s too late and always remember to “Be pretty!”

Kelly Haskins Stonerock was raised in Clarkston. She has been a resident of Goodrich for 29 years. She is presently the CEO of BatsAndTraps.com, an animal removal company that services Genesee County and it’s surrounding communities. Kelly has five children of her own and she raised three other children. She was featured on ABC’s television show, “Wife Swap” in 2005. Her episode is available on Hulu, Season 2: Episode 11.