The Wake Issue 12 Spring 2017 by The Wake Magazine

E K A W E H T

CONSPIRACIES

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letter from the in formant Greetings doomed soul,

your way to class, g this magazine up on I see you there, pickin latte as you r almond milk Starbucks trying not to spill you â&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a regular reader. h the pages. Maybe you grab it off a awkwardly thumb throug this publication is to h wit on cti era int y /straightened/ Maybe your onl n to shield your gelled rai the o int out way stand on your licable). ent hair (delete as app braided/relaxed/nonexist have made a terrible particular issue, you s thi up ked pic you But if e here. For what you ry for what has been don sor so ly tru am I e. mistak ched for this ~trendy~ when you foolishly rea ed into liz rea e hav not may pages is too dark to put lies within the crisp t wha on. t ng tha goi is y ne tel azi mag is defini it, something sinister words. Take my word for azine on a You can leave this mag e. her m fro s ion opt two dies major to pick As I see it, you have chemistry or global stu ing ect usp uns t nex knowing you doomed classroom desk for the you will have to live but m, har any of red can read on. up. You will be spa terrifying fate. Or, you ely rem ext yet ue vag s l you to drop this someone else to thi But though I wish to tel s. thi end omm rec not I already feel that it Oh, reader, I do as Bemidji to get away, far as run and now magazine right been warned. been marked. You have is too late. You have your back too much. day, and not to watch Try to have a pleasant Name Redacted Position Unknown

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Who/what is conspiring to kill you? THE CI A

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Index:

ns o i ss eple e f e Con a Sh of **CON SPI TURNERACIES REAL* D * The Woke Grinch Real is a ist

Where Are All the UFOs? My Fir s Conspi t r Theory acy ations l u p o P y Turke trol tagonia’s cret n a P o C f o e Out Gruesome S The Democrats Ar e East Laundering Buil Bank Money Orig ding Banno in S tori Secre n/Kushne es Affai t Love r r Rev Love n i ealed s Ankle evable The Beli cy Conspira Obv ious ly S ha

Where Are All the UFOs? Although Midwesterners don’t often see UFOs, that doesn’t mean they’re not there BY EMMA DILL

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ata s so m n to eth do wit ing h t paranoia about scandal and corruption. Contrast Have you ever looked into the night sky his! these coastal dramas with the mellow, Midwestern to see unexplained lights or a hovering saucer? attitude, and the government’s shield becomes Me neither. If you’re from the Midwest like me, you’re not alone. For decades, aliens have boycotted middle America, favoring the coasts. But why do UFOs seem to neglect the Midwest? Here’s one theory.

The government has always understood more about aliens than they want us to believe. They know, for example, that exposure to UFO radiation causes humans to become paranoid, hypersensitive, and over dramatic. To ensure that some Americans remain calm, cool, and collected, the government has deployed shield high over the central region of the nation to block alien light and radiation. The shield strategically protects the nation’s Breadbasket preserving the integrity of both the American people and its staple crops. Need evidence? Just observe the stark differences between the Midwest’s Minnesota-nice and the aggressive coastal hustle and bustle. Look at Donald Trump out on the East Coast, for instance. His petty obsession about his inauguration crowd sizes and impulsive claims about Obama wiretapping exemplify the radiation’s effects. For more proof, consider the real-life drama of LA’s actresses and D.C.’s political

essential to preserving the nation’s sanity.

Even without the shield, UFOs would still be hard for Midwesterners to spot because aliens consider the Midwest to be flyover country. They prefer the glow of New York City and the bright lights dotting California’s coast. So, when crossing middle America, aliens fly at higher altitudes and speeds. On top of that, alien tribes collude with the mayors of several inland desert cities, like Phoenix, to profit from their flights. These mayors use foods “exotic,” yet irresistible to aliens, like Krispy Kremes, to bribe them into adjusting their flight plans and hovering over their towns. Human-alien collusion creates hotbeds of UFO activity and tourism that buoys the economies of several Southwest cities. But, middle America, with its self-sustaining agriculture, does not need UFO tourism. Unfortunately, this sufficiency coupled with the nation’s shield, leaves Midwesterners staring into a dark, uneventful night sky, detached from alien life and the world beyond.

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My First y r o e h T y c a Conspir

One girl, the inte rnet, and the Illu minati BY LIV MARTIN

It was in middle school when I first heard the phrase “Illuminati confirmed.” My classmates would regularly say it, and everyone thought that it was so, so funny. In the hallways, guys would flash each other the Illuminati symbol, touching their two index fingers and thumbs to create a triangle. For a while, I had no idea what they were referencing or why it was so hilarious. Little did I know, the idea of the Illuminati is one of the most famous conspiracy theories around. Since my curiosity got the best of me and I took to Google, I’ve become well acquainted with this conspiracy theory. Actually, I’ve become a bit obsessed with it. I’m not usually one to fall for conspiracy theories. Bush did 9/11? No. The Holocaust never happened? No way. We live in a parallel universe? Doubtful. At first, I dismissed the idea of the Illuminati too. But as I have researched it more and more, I can say now that yes, I am a believer (or at least a partial believer). To give a brief historical overview of the Illuminati, I will start by saying that its plural form “illuminatus” roughly translates to “enlightened” from Latin. Historically, the Illuminati refers to a secret society called the Bavarian Illuminati, which was formed in Germany in 1776. The group was a faction of Freemasons vehemently against the Catholic Church. They wanted to be autonomous from both the strongholds of the church and the government. However, I am more interested in modern day Illuminati conspiracies, which revolve around pop culture celebrities and satanic ritual. It’s no secret that symbols and “clues” which point to the existence of the Illuminati are present in many aspects of pop culture. Mega pop star Beyoncé has been said to be the “queen” of the Illuminati and her husband Jay-Z the “king.” Either they are all playing everyone, or as I have come to believe, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are really primary members of the Illuminati. If you don’t believe me, here I present you with some solid evidence: At the 2013 Super Bowl Halftime Show, while a camera was doing a close-up shot of Beyoncé, she made a triangle symbol with her hands, which is the most wellknown of all Illuminati symbols. In front of millions of viewers, Beyoncé showed her allegiance to the society with one simple gesture. Sometimes called the “All-Seeing Eye,”

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or the “Eye of Providence” this symbol is often tied to the Illuminati, though you can also find it on a U.S. dollar bill. For those who have been following Beyoncé’s music for a while, you are probably familiar with her sophomore album, “I Am… Sasha Fierce.” According to the internet, Sasha Fierce is Beyoncé’s alter-ego who is also a demon. Supposedly, during her performances, she channels Sasha Fierce. Obviously, Satan has something to do with this. In her song “Formation,” Beyoncé nodded to the many speculations about her connections to the Illuminati, with the lyrics: “Y’all haters corny with that Illuminati mess.” Evidently, she is trying to dissuade the public that she is not a part of the secret society, but both the internet and I know better than to believe that. There has also been some conspiracy theories surrounding the name of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s first born daughter, Blue Ivy. According to some questionable internet sites, her name stands for “Born Living Under Evil, Illuminati’s Very Youngest.” Along with the famous power-couple and their daughter, there are many other celebrities that comprise the secret society. Lady Gaga is supposedly associated with the Illuminati as well as Kanye West, which doesn’t surprise me because Jay-Z and Kanye are longtime friends and collaborators. Remember when Kanye created huge buzz when he called out Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs, saying that Beyoncé rightfully deserved the award for Best Female Video? This was all a ploy by the Illuminati. The existence of the Illuminati also explains the deaths of Michael Jackson and Tupac, assuming that they are dead (oooh … ). In 2016, pictures circulated of a person who appeared to be Michael Jackson and made the internet community of conspiracy theorists go crazy with excitement. It has also been said that the Illuminati killed rapper Tupac because he was gaining too much popularity for his ideas. It’s no coincidence that the rapper’s final studio album was called “The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory.” Whether you believe in the Illuminati, you have to admit that the idea of a secret society of celebrities running the world is fascinating. For me, what started as a joke in middle school became an exploration into some deep and wild places within the internet.

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BREAKING: BANNON/KUSHNER SECRET LOVE AFFAIR REVEALED And like any good journalist, I wrote a fanfiction to tell the story BY

TONY BURTON

It was a cold, lonely night for the defeated Steve Bannon. He had just been fired from his position as a national security advisor to Donald Trump. He was so lost that the only thing he could do was cry. Well, cry and call his secret lover. He pulled out his phone and dialed the top contact.

“Hello?” A voice said, interrupting the fourth ring. The voice wasn’t whom Bannon wanted, however. It was a feminine voice. “ ... Ivanka?” Bannon whispered in disgust, blowing his nose even louder into a child’s stolen blankey he had snatched moments prior. “Steve …?” Ivanka replied sounding concerned. “Steve, I know what happened with my Dad … I just want you to—” “I WANT JARED!” Bannon cried, his tone similar to the time his mother took away his own blankey. (And no, stealing the blankey he had now was not a way of coping. He was over that.) His tone destroyed the eardrum of the president’s daughter. “Okay, okay, honey, it’s Steve, he wants you ... again,” Ivanka

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“Hey …” Kushner suddenly grew quieter, as if to not let his wife hear. “ ... Banny.”

head to Bannon’s house. “And you know I’m yours. I’m yours alone.”

“I need you right now, where are you?!” Bannon asked, demanding an answer while flipping off peaceful protesters outside his window. It had been days since they last talked. DAYS.

“Good!” Bannon replied, beaming with delight, delighted that he had stolen the heart of Jared from his witch of a wife Ivanka. “Let me know when you’re here!”

“I was eating with Ivanka; I’ll be over soon,” Kushner replied, grabbing his things, and heading out the door without a word for Ivanka.

“Sounds good. See you soon, babe,” Kushner replied, hanging up while speeding down the highway, the only barrier blocking their formerly forbidden love.

“Let’s not say her name again. It reminds me that you aren’t mine,” Bannon said, smiling as he heard movement through the phone. He was happy because Kushner was coming home, to him. Not Ivanka. Now they could finally begin discussing the next phrase of their path to world domination. “You know you’re mine, even if Donald says you can’t be. You don’t work for him anymore, what him or Pence think no longer matters,” Kushner said, pulling out of the driveway to

Kushner arrived promptly to the Bannon residence, where Bannon stood outside on the lawn, contemplating how to take over the world with his lover, who now ran into his arms. Before either could think, their lips were interlocked in a passionate, yet completely conservative, exchange. The elated Bannon released from the embrace, but only to proclaim his excitement for their now obstacle-less love: “Oh Kushie!”

The Believable Conspiracy BY CODY PERAKSLIS

The world is out to get you. Well, enough of it is at least. This basic fear fuels many of the most enjoyable conspiracy theories. But many of them seem too ridiculous. If a conspiracy relies on the most powerful people to be in on it (in a meritocracy at least), then it is hard to believe. If a conspiracy relies on everyone else to be in on it, then it is hard to believe. A good conspiracy finds the right balance between power and population. Here is the guide to assessing and creating conspiracies. Too much power in a conspiracy creates a problem. Here, power means people in charge or in the limelight. If a

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conspiracy needs people who are in extremely powerful positions, then it needs very specific people. If it requires exactly these key positions of power to put complacency drugs in the water, the conspiracy is unlikely. The only way to make a conspiracy convincing with such specific people would require institutions to control who gets comes to power. However, power is often too fickle to so smoothly be controlled, and institutions face the population problem. When too many people are involved in a conspiracy, it breaks down. An example of this would be a Truman Show scenario. The main reason being that working with others can be

exponentially difficult, especially as the group size increases. Also, when groups become greater in number, so too do defectors. A massive group conspiracy is not sustainable. Conspiracies often have too much power or too much population, but those are needed to give the conspiracy any substance. A group of a few people without power can achieve little compared to more people or more power. There needs to be a tradeoff.

AR T B Y T AY L O R D A NI E L S

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“What did you call me?” Bannon replied, upset.

ART BY STEVIE LACHER

“Kushie, pick up your phone … Kushie … PLEASE!” Bannon mumbled through the tears. He listened as the phone rang three times. Three ever-so-long and lonely times.

replied, her voice fading away from the phone. Seconds passed before another voice started talking. “Hey Steve,” Kushner began, his voice similar to the whispers of teenage lovers on the phone late at night. You know, when they’re supposed to be doing their homework. Their love was, in a word, rebellious.

To avoid getting sucked into conspiracies: the most important thing to remember is that the whole world is not out to get you, and the most powerful people are not out to get you. No, you are the target of a mid-sized group of midpowerful people that will stop at nothing to –

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TURKEY POPULATIONS OUT OF CONTROL Are vegans and vegetarians to blame? BY TONY BURTON The 2016/2017 school year has been a record-breaking year for turkey populations on campus. Some claim that the rise of student vegans and vegetarians is a prime reason for this change. Well, that and the fact Pioneer Hall finally stopped hosting its former annual Thanksgiving Day hunt, otherwise known as: “Are You The Best Pioneer? Prove It. Win the Kill A Turkey Competition!” last fall.

: I see, I see. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is the U’s cult chapter doing to address this issue of Thanksgiving?

Non-meat eaters may have played a significant role in this population explosion, now known by respected biologists to be “The Baby Boom 2.0—Bird Edition.” Here to answer a few questions regarding whether these rumors are true, is an anonymous vegetarian we’ll refer to as Turkey Jesus. Let’s begin …

sacred turkeys here at the U. I can feel his presence now; he’s speaking to me.

Turkey Jesus: Yes. Well, kind of. The cult is more exclusive, as in it focuses solely on the sacred turkey populations at the U. However, we do support other cults that strive to stabilize all types of wildlife communities on campus.

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The Wake: First off, can you or can you not confirm that you are part of a cult on campus to protect bird populations?

TJ: The only thing we do is listen. We listen to our founder, Master Gobbles. His spirit lingers above us now, frolicking in the spring air as the leaves return. He is an elder of the

: Oh, okay. May I ask you what he is saying currently? TJ: Of course. Mind you, his words cannot translate into English, as our language is inferior to that of the sacred turkey. I will recite his exact sacred turkey words, whenever you are ready for them. : I’m ready. TJ: Gobble, gobble, gobble. : Wow. That does sound profound. TJ: I know … now, he’s telling me to leave—to go to tell the others. : To tell the others, tell them what? TJ: Gobble, gobble, gobble. : I understand. Kind of. Go ahead, thanks for your time. There you have it, Master Gobbles has spoken. If you pass by a turkey, remember to recite these profound words out of respect. Or at least pretend to, for the sake of all the turkey worshippers out there.

I see, and I take it that the cult is elated to hear that Pioneer Hall finally ended its annual Turkey Competition, correct? TJ: Of course, that competition, or as we call it—The Inhumane Genocide of the Sacred Turkey, should have ended long ago. But we cannot be distracted by the afterglow of this success while the sacred turkeys of Minnesota fear for their lives every Thanksgiving Day. That is the true issue; it is an evil tradition that must end.

THE DEMOCRATS ARE LAUNDERING MONEY A list of fronts being used to swindle campaign funds BY CHRIS SHEA

Well, it’s about time the GOP started to take on campaign finance reform. But this bill does not go far enough. There are still other fronts the Democrats are using to make money, and it is up to us in the press to expose these illegitimate businesses. 1) NPR: For years, listeners like you have been donating to NPR through pledge drives because of how much you love the show “Car Talk.” All the while, Nancy Pelosi has been using these funds to finance her re-election bids year after year. Now you may be wondering why your funds are specifically going to Pelosi. HONESTLY IT IS RIGHT IN

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FRONT OF YOU. NPR doesn’t even mean National Public Radio ... IT’S NANCY PELOSI RADIO. OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE. 2) Alpacas: American hero Senator Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) dropped a truth bomb when he showed Americans were using alpacas as tax shelters. Basically the government is subsidizing alpacas. And do you know who loves alpacas? That’s right … PETA. Their mission statement says that they work through public education, celebrity involvement, and protest campaigns. Sounds like the Democratic platform to me. 3) Spring Clean Laundry in Wichita, Kansas: Although Kansas is represented by Republicans in both the House and Senate, this laundromat is the biggest Democratic moneymaker in the nation. I have no proof yet, but I can’t

think of a better way to launder money than through a laundromat.

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Republicans in the Minnesota House recently EXPOSED Democrats’ use of dark money when they introduced a bill targeting a mini doughnut booth at the Minnesota State Fair. Over the last 50 years, a local DFL chapter has run the booth and contributed its profits to local Democratic groups.

4) Hollywood: Or should I say: A LIBERAL THINK TANK. Everyone knows that the movie biz supports only liberal candidates. I mean have you ever watched the Oscars? I think I’ve proven my point already. Just know that whenever you pay to see a movie, your American dollars are going into liberal snowflake pockets. What I’m saying is that true patriots pirate movies, and don’t forget to wear your tinfoil hats. TRUE PATRIOTS WEAR TIN FOIL.

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just another le) p e e day h s a f o s n io TH E W A KE

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s s e f n o (c

BY CARSON KASKEL

JAYE AHN

wake up regretting leaving your pillow start up your engines watch the smoke billow forget not to floss work hard says your boss worship the cross framed, your eyes gloss want to be fed? so lightly you tread like a needle you thread. slow down at yellow, stop at red. As you keep being led down the hill on a sled a fork up ahead says, live free, safe or dead Comply and you can fly life’s all but a treat Take a seat just want to gratify but bat even an eye and you’ll go down in defeat wash, rinse, repeat.

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CONSPIRACIES TURNED REAL

CONSPIRACIES

TURNED REAL A look at three conspiracy theories rooted in reality

? d n i m r u o y f o ut KASKEL o u o y BY CARSON e ar If you’re a fan of James Bond movies, this is the conspiracy for you. The CIA has no shortage of insane stories, though the average citizen knows very few. One of the most bizarre comes from the 1950s and ‘60s. Known as Project MKUltra, the CIA tested real human volunteers to find and develop drugs and procedures in hopes of forcing confessions during interrogations and torture. The subjects were not informed of the simple fact that they were about to undergo mind control experiments. The experiments became officially sanctioned in 1953, lasting 13 years until 1966. The subjects, who were unaware of the conditions, partook in many illegal activities including taking psychedelic drugs such as LSD. The subjects were hypnotized, exposed to sensory deprivation, isolated, verbally and sexually abused, and put through other forms of psychological torture. The conspiracy website RationalWiki found a video showing that even a cat was among those tested. A 1977 joint intelligence hearing revealed that the unwitting players were exposed to drugs and other substances that could cause them to age faster or slower and become paralyzed. The subjects were also put at risk of permanent

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brain damage, extended periods of shock and confusion as well as amnesia, making them forget that anything even happened in the first place. As the experiments were meant to give the CIA dominance during interrogations, some of the substances tested could effectively brainwash the subject and cause them to withstand torture and reveal truths they may not otherwise have when not being mind controlled. The agency also gave participants a spooky knockout pill in the form of food, drinks, cigarettes and aerosols. The CIA carried out Project MKUltra across 80 institutions used as fronts. Forty-four of those were colleges and universities including George Washington University in D.C. The rest were comprised of hospitals, prisons, and pharmaceutical companies. The operation was said to have caused several deaths, although the exact number is unknown as the CIA destroyed the majority of the documents in 1973. Why erase the evidence? That is one of many unanswered questions from Project MKUltra. But one can safely assume that the CIA was up to some shady, no good, very bad things. And who knows what they’re up to in 2017? The world may never know the truth.

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CONSPIRACIES TURNED REAL

Who shot ya? BY JOHN BLOCHER

Duke. Christopher. These are the names that The Notorious B.I.G. and 2Pac had for one another, respectfully. The homieto-homie relationship of hip-hop’s most universal artists is made known within the first few minutes of Nick Broomfield’s 2002 documentary “Biggie & Tupac,” which suggests that the murders of B.I.G. and Pac were arranged by Death Row Records CEO, Suge Knight. “I had no idea at this stage how many meals at Denny’s we would have to eat before we got Russell’s interview,” said Broomfield as he left the office of Russell Poole, the lead investigator of the Biggie Smalls murder who was forced to drop the case at the request of his superiors within the LAPD. In the meantime, Broomfield explores the lives of the two rappers, meeting with Biggie’s mother and 2Pac’s estranged biological father to paint a portrait of two sensitive and thoughtful young men, who were largely the victims of what they saw and reported rather than what they actually engaged in. From there, the filmmakers plunge into the drama that inflamed the East vs. West Coast rivalry, or rather, the events which popularized it (my note: see Tim Dog’s “Fuck Compton” from 1991, which predates the 2Pac-Biggie feud), the most important of which was the robbery and shooting of 2Pac in Manhattan’s Quad Recording Studios in 1994. “While I’m in jail, strangers is telling me, ‘No, you don’t know? Biggie’s homeboys shot you,”’ said 2Pac in an interview after being bailed out on sexual assault charges by Suge Knight for a cool 1.4 million dollars. “And that’s what I’m doing. I know what I’m doing. I’m destroying ’em… I’m destroying ’em.”

Records, being that the hit had an unusually professional flavor that would have required the use of radio communication. First there is David Mack (who owned the same model of vehicle suspect in the case, possessed scanners and radio equipment in his home at the time of the murder, was spotted at a party by a member of Biggie’s entourage prior to his death, and later convicted of robbing a bank). There is also Rafael Pérez (Mack’s former partner and best friend, later arrested for drug trafficking, racketeering, and falsifying evidence), as well as Harry Billups (godfather to Mack’s children, who eerily resembles the police sketch drawn up using the help of Lil’ Cease, who was seated directly behind B.I.G. at the time of the murder). Perhaps the most convincing piece of evidence comes from a man known as the Bookkeeper, who, while facing prison time for separate charges, speaks candidly under the protection of federal immunity about how he had met with Suge Knight about transporting money for the Biggie Smalls hit. Though speculation has run amuck in trying to discover the true suspects and motives behind the deaths of the two rappers, the quickly-closed cases of both murders suggest a shadiness that is only compounded by the long rap sheet of Knight and his associates, who were, ultimately, both cops and bodyguards to a record label fueled by illegal profits. Though the documentary is but a loosely held web of conjecture, it sure as hell seems more plausible than the image of 2Pac lying on a beach chair in Cuba, drinking mojitos while waiting around to resurrect his career.

ART BY KATIE HEYWOOD

Evidence linking Suge Knight and the LAPD to the murders of 2Pac and Biggie Smalls

In many ways Biggie tried his best to stay out of the polarizing tension that gripped the country’s coasts at the peak of rap’s rise in the 90s, and it was 2Pac who was the first to go in September of 1996, shot four times on the Vegas Strip following his friend Mike Tyson’s boxing match. Though it is widely believed that the LA Crips murdered 2Pac, as he and his entourage had been involved in the assault of one of the gang’s members earlier that fateful night, ex-Detective Poole stood by the notion that Knight was the orchestrator of the murder, being that he owed millions of dollars to 2Pac in royalties, and that Pac was poised to leave Death Row and sue Knight shortly before he was murdered. While serving time in prison for the assault of Orlando Harris, the crip who was beaten viciously by Knight and other members of Death Row, ABC’s Brian Ross asked Knight whether or not he would tell police if he knew who killed 2Pac, to which he replied, “Absolutely—not. Because I don’t get paid to solve homicides, I don’t get paid to tell on people.” Among the prime suspects of Biggie’s murder are three former LAPD officers who also served as bodyguards for Death Row

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CONSPIRACIES TURNED REAL

HEART ATTACK-IN-A-GUN BY CARSON KASKEL

a look at how the CI A kills ll people n

atura

As we the people know, the CIA is always up to some shady tricks. In 1975, whistleblower Mary Embree spoke about a heart attack-inducing weapon the agency had allegedly been using to carry out assassinations. This led to a congressional testimony revealing that the agency had developed a gun that could shoot a dart releasing a poison that could cause a heart attack, all the while leaving no signs that the person was ever shot in the first place. Clearly, this gun was a tactic for the military to carry out assassinations strategically in the form of unfortunate accidents that are untraceable back to the CIA. Rumor has it they are still in use today. The weapon is said to be a modified Colt 1911, according to an Express article.

lly l l

According to a Canadian press core article, “The poison could be frozen into the shape of a dart and then fired at high speed from a pistol.” The article goes on to say that the dart was powerful enough to penetrate a person’s body through their clothes and leave just a small red mark. The poison would then melt, absorb into the body and cause a heart attack. The poison was undetectable by modern autopsies. Supposedly, the person shot would feel nothing but a mosquito bite. The CIA disclosed in the hearing that the darts were made of a frozen form of liquid poison. It would melt within the target and only leave a small red dot–much like the bulletless entrance wound found during JFK’s autopsy. Over the years, many assassinations were performed to make it appear as if the victim had died of natural causes. Many people, including key witnesses and other important conspirators who have died at all too convenient times from natural causes, were possibly killed by this lethal poison. The list includes: Clay Shaw, J. Edgar Hoover, Earlene Roberts, Marilyn Monroe, etc. Rumors have it that the use of such a gun was not limited to just the United States. The KGB is said to have used it to carry out many assassinations of its own. So next time someone of significance of natural causes, it’s safe to wonder if the CIA pulled the trigger.

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UMN East Bank Campus Building Origin Stories: A True Children’s Tale The absolutely true stories of why the buildings are shaped the way they are BY CLAUDIA ALTHOEN The concept may be strange at first but think about it. Have you ever been in a weirdly shaped building on campus, or ever looked at Google Maps and thought, “What?”

Our first story begins with the Coffman Memorial Union. Every tour group we’ve all inevitably walked by or followed mentions how Coffman is the shape of a gopher. They’re wrong. Coffman is a game of Space Invaders that we’re consistently losing. While the game came out later than the building was created, nevertheless, it is clear that Coffman is in the shape of one of the alien invaders. Coffman, aka an alien invader, is bribing us ... using food. It feeds us by us paying into it and provides us seats of leisure for napping. Our next story is about Superblock. The shape of the superblock dorms is an interesting concept. Students who

TAYLOR DANIELS

We all have. We’ve all wondered why Burton Hall looks like the top side view of a dune buggy, and why the extended X-shaped portion of Ralph Rapson Hall resembles the beloved character Gumby saying something completely in character: “Whazzup?!”

lived and have lived in these dorms may understand what the five-minute walk is—the walk from the furthest section of the building to the main entrance. Not many people know that coming up with the design for the buildings was struggle—a struggle similar to trying to answer an existential life crisis question at 3 in the morning on a Wednesday. Both questions can be answered in a similar way, however: making popsicle stick art. That is what superblock is based on. Popsicle sticks. Popsicle sticks glued together with Elmer’s glue. The stub-shaped, half-sized wings on the buildings? It was children. They stepped on the artwork—or maybe the people pacing at 3 a.m. stepped on the model designs, creating the buildings you know and love today, but there’s no need to be picky about the details. We didn’t even get to the story of the Vincent and Smith Halls being square-shaped apples that someone bit into (cue “aww, shucks”), but that’s a story for another time.

ANKLES IN LOVE

The real truth behind Jay-Z's ankle-grabbing pensions BY KARL WITKOWIAK the whole story is real? What if Jay-Z really did cheat on her, and she was aware of it? What did he even release last year? Aside from some lackluster features—pretty much nothing.

Have you ever noticed how many pictures of Jay-Z and Beyoncé show Jay clutching her ankle? The muchbeloved celebrity couple have had a wide selection of pictures snapped over the years, and a good handful of them showcase Jay’s unusual habit of Beyoncé-anklegrabbing. Obviously, something shady is at play here. My theory: Jay-Z and Beyoncé are aliens and Jay is grasping onto Bey’s ankle to transfer his energy to her.

Now, you may ask, what does this have to do with the ankle-grabbing? I theorize that the couple’s mating ritual begins with the male grasping the female’s ankle to transfer energy, which includes singing and musical talent. To make up to Beyoncé for the alleged cheating, Jay-Z grasps her ankle to transfer energy to her, lest she leaves Earth without him. During their early dating years, the two shared a mutual relationship, where one equally benefitted the other in terms of musical talent. Now, the relationship is almost parasitic. Beyoncé benefits exclusively, while Jay is left atop the clothesline to dry. It’s a truly devious plan thought out by Queen B.

Crazy, you say? Well, the evidence is in the music. Beyoncé and Jay-Z married in 2008 after years of dating. Before their marriage, the two had released consistently decent music. However, ever since their marriage, Bey seems to be getting more publicity and has begun releasing more praise-worthy music, while Jay seems to have disappeared from the music world, save for the occasional album and some sparse features.

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STEVIE LACHER

For the most damning evidence, look no further than Beyoncé’s 2016 release “Lemonade.” As people are aware, “Lemonade” is a concept album that delves into the possibility of Jay-Z cheating on Beyoncé, and her subsequent response and emotional turmoil. Of course, this is pinned as a concept album, but what if

So, there you have it. The controversy surrounding the Jay-Z cheating controversy and the ankle-grabbing tendencies explained through Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s alien mating practices. It truly is a frightening development, but one question still lingers: Are Bey and Jay the only alien mating couple to have made an impact on our cultural landscape? At least, now, we know the signs.

MAY 1–14

T H E WAKE

BIZARRO

Why The Grinch Is a Woke Realist And The Whos Of Whoville Are Self-Serving Assholes JAYE AHN

Exploring the untapped subtexts of Dr. Seuss' beloved Christmastime story BY SAM BATISTICH The Whos of Whoville need to shut up. The point is this: the Grinch is woke as fuck, and the Whos of the Max Ernst-inspired dystopian purgatory that is Whoville are illiberal plebeians. For instance, the Grinch—while lambasting the many transgressions of Who-society and their Christian practices—refers to the “Who roast beast” as a dish he cannot “stand in the least.” Why? Because the Grinch is, in fact, a vegan. Who-livestock production is among the chief stressors on Who-ecosystems worldwide, churning out inexorable amounts of anthropogenic greenhouse gases into the Who-osphere while committing mass murder against

biodiversity and a fleeting supply of freshwater. FURTHERMORE, Who-capitalists desperate for evervanishing plots of arable land to exploit for Who-beast grazing have turned to mass deforestation, perpetuating this crime past a point of no return. Ultimately, the unassailable Who-beast-centric diets practiced by the Whos of Whoville are only amplifying the planet’s descent into the Holocene extinction, a global biogeographical apocalypse triggering the extinction of upwards of 140,000 species every Whoyear, the highest rate since an era long before the Whos of Whoville first roamed the earth. Another note: the Grinch has prudently chosen to settle his home 3,000 feet above Whoville at the summit of Mt. Crumpit. A study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and

Community Who-Health underscored a slew of health benefits offered to those who live at higher elevations. Among them were considerably lower chances of developing obesity, lung cancer, and heart disease and routinely longer and more satisfying lives. The Grinch, therefore, is not merely a pea-green Grendel-esque misanthropic recluse, but a thoughtful denizen of the natural world mindful of his physical and psychological well-being. In the end, though, the Whos of Whoville feign anticapitalist propaganda in order to brainwash the Grinch into selling his soul to become a carnivorous egomaniac like the rest of the reckless, self-indulgent assholes that are the Whos of Whoville.

PATAGONIA’S GRUESOME SECRET TAYLOR DANIELS

Think your jacket was et hically produced? Think ag ain BY JACOB STEINBERG Patagonia: The California-based outdoor clothing company is the gold standard for sustainable clothing production. The company’s use of recycled materials and insistence on repairing and reusing its products has established its status as the industry leader in environment-friendly outdoor wear. But what if I told you that donating to environmental groups and using recycled nylon aren’t the only ways that Patagonia keeps its clothing so eco-friendly? What if I told you that Patagonia’s remarkable success is due to a sinister sustainable secret? Deep within the depths of its solar-powered production facility, Patagonia is committing unholy acts in the name of the planet.

M A Y 1–14

The average American is responsible for 19.8 tons of carbon emissions per person! A study by the Center for Sustainable Systems estimates that it would take FIVE Earths to support the current human population if everyone’s consumption patterns matched the average American! This leaves Patagonia literally no other choice but to repurpose people to be used in its clothing! Don’t believe me? Don’t take my word for it. Here are the words of Patagonia founder, Yvon Chouinard: “Reusing something instead of immediately discarding it, when done for the right reasons, can be an act of love which expresses our own dignity.”

PATAGONIA IS PEOPLE!

Truly sickening.

That’s right proles. That fancy-dancy fair-trade fleece your mom got you for Christmas? People. That stupid fish hat that Chris from accounting class wears every day? People. That brand-new Nano-Air® Puff® Hybrid™ Jacket Vest? All-natural, premium, grade-A, organic people.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “So what if Patagonia is made of people, it keeps me soooo warm and cozy.” Well you can keep thinking that until the day the Patagonia people-snatchers find you in the woods and drag you to the 100-percent-renewablepowered facility where you’ll be turned into next season’s shroom-trip-inspired fleeces.

How do I know? Think about it: Patagonia’s mission is to produce clothing in the most sustainable, environment-friendly way possible. What is better for the environment than getting rid of people?! Nothing!

Also, The North Face makes its stuff out of dolphins. Stay Woke.

PG. 13

S O UND & V I S I O N

S OUND & VISTHE ION WAKE

Ceiling Zero

BY SOPHIE STEPHENS

Bleacher’s “Don’t Take the Money” Jack Antonoff returns to the world of Bleachers with nostalgic new track

“Pure Comedy” Father John Misty’s review of the human race BY JACOB STEINBERG It’s been years since solemn, indie-folk singer Josh Tillman dropped acid, decided to quit being such a sad bastard, and adopted the ostentatious and sarcastic persona known as Father John Misty. In that time, he’s attracted fervent fans and haters alike; such a pretentious personality demands it. On his April 7 release, “Pure Comedy,” Tillman finds himself returning to his somber roots, but with much more existential dread and sarcastic quip. The result is much less fun and far more pretentious than his previous work as Misty, and it just may be the snarky, yet desperate commentary that we all need in these dark times.

“Ceiling Zero” consists of ten original songs that create MURRAYBY TONY BURTON a blend of the raw beautyBY andISABELLA madness we develop from the emotion of falling in and out of love. From love to heartbreak, wanting and desire, their songs From collaborations with Taylor Swift’s “1989” and Lorde’s touch on some of these strong, yet vulnerable feelings. “Melodrama”, to co-writing for fun.’s hit song “We Are Young,” The album contains lyrics that are not only poetic, but among others, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff is relatable. It is filled with melodies that will not only considered a behind-the-scenes contributor to the success As the sky got darker, Black Violin took the stage. Upon Northrop Auditorium on Friday, April 14, moveentering your body, but your soul as well. of many artists. But when he’s not working on someone Composed of Wil B. and Kev Marcus, the men combine it was evident that artists and patrons of the arts alike else’s project, what type of artist is Antonoff himself? their classical training and hip-hop influences to create wereThat encouraged enter the space. Greeted byJuly, a “Not Great,” a to single released on iTunes last The titular “comedy” to which Tillman is referring is the a distinctive multi-genre sound that is often described violinist near the door asasathe premonition makes its appearance third songof onthe thefeature album. One possible answer may lie within Antonoff’s own band’s greatest comedy of them all: the human condition. Tillman as “classical boom,” according to Northrop’s website. performance, Black Violin, the entryway show It focuses on the self-doubt that one may feel was at certain newest song “Don’t Take the Money.” The track contains an relishes in the irony that despite all our grand gesturing Further research on the group indicated that Black observers enjoyed by those wandering variouswho points in aand relationship, especially when someone interesting mix of ‘80s synth pop, modern computerized and philosophizing, our frayed existence is confined to an Violin has shared stages with top names like Kanye stations devoted to the fiarts Northrop’s is used to being alone ndsinanother whovestibule. has strong percussion elements, and Bowie-esque vocals. It explores insignificant speck of dust floating in celestial nothingness. West, Aerosmith and Tom Petty, and has creatively feelings for them. It seems inevitable to question the the minds of those struggling in a relationship, but not collaborated with the likes of Wu-Tang Clan, Wyclef While thethe main event, performed at 7:30 feelings other mayBlack haveViolin, for them, hence the lyric, wanting to give up on the relationship quite yet because Throughout the album, Tillman makes a mockery of our Jean and Alicia Keys. p.m., the artsnow, wereI’ve celebrated afternoon. in “Settle down only everall known how toOver be alone”. they have not fallen out of love. Upon first listen, it sounds entertainment-obsessed, egotistical culture, using his Northrop’s cafe, Surdyk’s, coffee cups were provided like a track from the ‘80s, one that I could picture playing signature, witty lyricism to spawn such immortal lines as World Art Day, a day devoted to celebrating music, dance, at each table by colored markers. “Parking Lot” isaccompanied the seventh song on the album, a Cafe on the radio of my friend’s car as we drive down streets on “Bedding Taylor Swift / Every night inside the Oculus Rift.” In and theater on campus, was planned by Northrop’s attendees to decorate, The offering departurewere from encouraged the pain of relationships. songa a late summer night. The song is nostalgic even though it’s “Ballad of the Dying Man,” he tells the story of a man on his student group, The University Collaborative Ambassadors creative spinthe to sweet ordinary cafe activities. focuses on pureness and beauty of falling brand new, making it an instant classic. deathbed, mourning the universe’s loss of his own brilliant for Northrop (U-CAN). U-CAN connects Northrop with for someone. The lyrics give off a sense that the sisters mind and social critique, before drawing his final breath the U of M campus by collaborating with campus Tabling by creative entities onyet campus and from are strong and independent, they don’t mind the being The track is addictive thanks to the infectious melody and and checking his news feed one last time. departments and student organizations to plan and greater Twin“girl.” Cities community featured products and someone’s the song’s progression, making the final chorus more produce a variety of events, activities, and opportunities. works reflecting their respective passions. Workshops on powerful. The end of the song is accompanied by Lorde, To those who aren’t infatuated with his lanky metrosexual It also utilizes Northrop’s theaters, study lounges, and topics like “Creative Action, Artistic to Social This spring, make sure to keep yourApproaches eyes and ears singing above his lower vocals, adding another layer to the getup or don’t find his musings to be particularly profound Surdyk’s café and art gallery, according to Northrop. Justice” were provided well. open for “Ceiling Zero,”as available on both iTunes and song’s final moments. The chorus ends and the play-off or interesting, the hyper-intellectual angst can be Amazon. fades with Antonoff singing the tagline of the song, “Just suffocating. But, if Misty is anything, it’s self-aware. On the World Art Day was a special day dedicated to the The violinist near the door was replaced by various don’t take the money ...” 13-minute “Leaving LA,” he launches into a self-deprecating burgeoning arts community on campus and in the other acts, including ukulele performances and Irish analysis of himself. He sings “And I’m merely a minor greater area, planned by an enthusiastic group devoted dancing. Increasing crowds of people surrounded the This track not only gives a sneak peek into the band’s fascination to / Manic virginal lust and college dudes.” performers as the day progressed. to the campus arts community. upcoming LP, but it also offers a nostalgic anthem to the

Northrop event caters to the artistically inclined

upcoming summer.

P MG. AY1 10–1 4

R U BY G U T H R I E

Local indie rock band LASKA to release their first full length album in June.

RU BY GU T H RI E

EST H E R YA N G

ST E V I E LAC H E R

T HRE E RE VIE W S

How Misty of him.

MAY P G. 1–14 11

T H E WA S OKUND E & VISION

S OUND & VOICES VISTHE ION WAKE

T HRE E RE VIE W S

Ceiling Zero

BY SOPHIE STEPHENS

President Trump proposed a $54 billion (10 percent overall) increase in defense spending, to a total of $639 billion for fiscal year 2018. He said the increase would be needed to fight terrorism, improve troop readiness, and build new ships and planes; the proposed increase would be paid for by deep cuts to other agencies, including a 28 percent cut from the State Department budget. He also requested an additional $30 billion for the Defense Department for the remainder of fiscal year 2017. This is not the most that a United States president has spent on defense, yet it is still pretty high compared to the 1990s. BY JACOB STEINBERG

Bleacherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Take the Moneyâ&#x20AC;?

Jack Antonoff returns to the Despitewith the fact nosthat Trump world of Bleachers tweeted 19 times in 2013 talgic new trackand 2014 that the U.S.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pure Comedyâ&#x20AC;? Father John Mistyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s review of the human race

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been years since solemn, indie-folk singer Josh Tillman dropped acid, decided to quit being such a sad bastard, and adopted the ostentatious and sarcastic persona known as Father John Misty. In that time, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s attracted fervent fans and haters alike; such a pretentious personality demands it. On his April 7 release, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pure Comedy,â&#x20AC;? Tillman finds himself returning to his somber roots, but with much more existential dread and sarcastic quip. The result is much less fun and far more pretentious than his previous work as Misty, and it just may be the snarky, yet desperate commentary that we all need in these dark times.

needed to stay out of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ceiling Zeroâ&#x20AC;? consists of ten original songs that create Syria, on Thursday, April MURRAYBY TONY BURTON 6, Trump ordered a blend of the raw beautyBY andISABELLA madness we develop from the emotion of falling in and out of love. From the U.S. Navy to love to heartbreak, wanting and desire, their songs From collaborations with Taylorlaunch Swiftâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;1989â&#x20AC;? and Lordeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a military touch on some of these strong, yet vulnerable feelings. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Melodramaâ&#x20AC;?, to co-writing for fun. â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hitinvolving song â&#x20AC;&#x153;We59 Are Young,â&#x20AC;? strike The album contains lyrics that are not only poetic, but among others, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff Tomahawk cruise is relatable. It is filled with melodies that will not only considered a behind-the-scenes contributor the success missiles on ato Syrian As the sky got darker, Black Violin took the stage. Upon Northrop Auditorium on Friday, April 14, moveentering your body, but your soul as well. of many artists. But when heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not working onair someone government base. Composed of Wil B. and Kev Marcus, the men combine it was evident that artists and patrons of the arts alike elseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s project, what type of artistThe is Antonoff locationhimself? was home their classical training and hip-hop influences to create wereThat encouraged enter the space. Greeted byJuly, a â&#x20AC;&#x153;Not Great,â&#x20AC;? a to single released on iTunes last to the warplanes that carried The titular â&#x20AC;&#x153;comedyâ&#x20AC;? to which Tillman is referring is the a distinctive multi-genre sound that is often described violinist near the door asasathe premonition makes its appearance third songof onthe thefeature album. One possible answer may lie within Antonoff â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own bandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;sthat killed out the chemical attacks greatest comedy of them all: the human condition. Tillman as â&#x20AC;&#x153;classical boom,â&#x20AC;? according to Northropâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s website. performance, Black Violin, the entryway show It focuses on the self-doubt that one may feel was at certain newest song â&#x20AC;&#x153;Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Take the Money. â&#x20AC;? The contains anin the dozens oftrack civilians earlier relishes in the irony that despite all our grand gesturing Further research on the group indicated that Black observers enjoyed by those wandering variouswho points in aand relationship, especially when someone interesting mix of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;80s synth pop, modern week. Thiscomputerized attack was a shift from and philosophizing, our frayed existence is confined to an Violin has shared stages with top names like Kanye stations devoted to the fiarts Northropâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s is used to being alone ndsinanother whovestibule. has strong percussion elements, and Bowie-esque It explores Trumpâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s vocals. previous claim, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Syriainsignifi shouldcant be aspeck free zone forfloating in celestial nothingness. of dust West, Aerosmith and Tom Petty, and has creatively feelings for them. It seems inevitable to question the the minds of those struggling in ISIS, a relationship, let them fibut ghtnot and then you pick up the remnants.â&#x20AC;? collaborated with the likes of Wu-Tang Clan, Wyclef While thethe main event, performed at 7:30 feelings other mayBlack haveViolin, for them, hence the lyric, wanting to give up on the relationship quite yet because Yet it echoes Trumpâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s responseThroughout in the March 2016 Tillman makes a mockery of our the11, album, Jean and Alicia Keys. p.m., the artsnow, wereIâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve celebrated afternoon. in â&#x20AC;&#x153;Settle down only everall known how toOver be aloneâ&#x20AC;?. they have not fallen out of love. CNN UponRepublican first listen, itpresidential sounds debate to whether or notegotistical culture, using his entertainment-obsessed, Northropâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cafe, Surdykâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, coffee cups were provided like a track from the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;80s, one that could picture playingtroops signature, he Iwould send ground to fight ISIL: â&#x20AC;&#x153;We reallyto spawn such immortal lines as witty lyricism World Art Day, a day devoted to celebrating music, dance, at each table by colored markers. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Parking Lotâ&#x20AC;? isaccompanied the seventh song on the album, a Cafe on the radio of my friendâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s car as we drive down We streets onto knock have no choice. have out Taylor ISIS.â&#x20AC;? Swift / Every night inside the Oculus Rift.â&#x20AC;? In â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bedding and theater on campus, was planned by Northropâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s attendees to decorate, The offering departurewere from encouraged the pain of relationships. songa a late summer night. The song is nostalgic even though itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ballad of the Dying Man,â&#x20AC;? he tells the story of a man on his student group, The University Collaborative Ambassadors creative spinthe to sweet ordinary cafe activities. focuses on pureness and beauty of falling brand new, making it an instantItclassic. is clear that President Trumpdeathbed, has changed his mind mourning the universeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s loss of his own brilliant for Northrop (U-CAN). U-CAN connects Northrop with for someone. The lyrics give off a sense that the sisters about how the U.S. is going tomind act on thesocial Syriacritique, issue. before drawing his final breath and the U of M campus by collaborating with campus Tabling by creative entities onyet campus and from are strong and independent, they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mind the being The track is addictive thanks to the infectious Even though melody he said and the attack that caught his everyone and checking news feed one last time. departments and student organizations to plan and greater Twinâ&#x20AC;&#x153;girl.â&#x20AC;? Cities community featured products and someoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the songâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s progression, making by thesurprise final chorus wasmore due to the recent chemical attacks, it produce a variety of events, activities, and opportunities. works reflecting their respective passions. Workshops on powerful. The end of the song iswouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t accompanied really by doLorde, much to change thewho years-long civil To those arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t infatuated with his lanky metrosexual It also utilizes Northropâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s theaters, study lounges, and topics like â&#x20AC;&#x153;Creative Action, Artistic to Social This spring, make sure to keep yourApproaches eyes and ears singing above his lower vocals, war adding another layer to the in Syria. Therefore, aside getup from the humanitarian or donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t find his musings to be particularly profound Surdykâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cafĂŠ and art gallery, according to Northrop. Justiceâ&#x20AC;? were provided well. open for â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ceiling Zero,â&#x20AC;?as available on both iTunes and songâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s final moments. The chorus ends andofthe play-off approach wiping out terrorism, the bombing of Syria or interesting, the hyper-intellectual angst can be Amazon. fades with Antonoff singing the seems tagline to of have the song, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Just more to do with the countries that Syria suff ocating. But, if Misty is anything, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s self-aware. On the World Art Day was a special day dedicated to the The violinist near the door was replaced by various donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take the money ...â&#x20AC;? has ties to, such as Russia. These new aims seemLA, toâ&#x20AC;? be 13-minute â&#x20AC;&#x153;Leaving he launches into a self-deprecating burgeoning arts community on campus and in the other acts, including ukulele performances and Irish reflective of the strategy that former State analysisSecretary of himself.ofHe sings â&#x20AC;&#x153;And Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m merely a minor greater area, planned by an enthusiastic group devoted dancing. Increasing crowds of people surrounded the This track not only gives a sneakand peek into the bandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, espoused: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fascination to / Manic virginal lust and college dudes.â&#x20AC;? performers as the day progressed. to the campus arts community. upcoming LP, but it also offers atime nostalgic anthem were to theafraid of us because we were the Russians upcoming summer. going to stand up for the rights, theMisty human rights, the How of him. dignity and the future of the Syrian people.â&#x20AC;?

BMM EBZ

Northrop event caters to the artistically inclined

MG. P AY1 10â&#x20AC;&#x201C;1 4

RU BY GU T H RI E

BY JASMINE WU

R U BY G U T H R I E

Local indie rock band LASKA to release their first full length album in June.

Where does the president stand on intervention abroad?

TAY LO R DAN I E L S

EST H E R YA N G

ST E V I E LAC H E R

TRUMP BOMBING SYRIA WAS A WARNING TO RUSSIA

P G. P7 G. P G. 1110 MAY 1â&#x20AC;&#x201C;14

T H E WA S OKUND E & VISION

S OUND & VISTHE ION WAKE

Talk of the Stacks: Andrew McCarthy

A Gathering of Sorcerers

“Pretty In Pink” actor speaks on coming of age in his recently published YA novel

Skimpy attendance at a Northeast Minneapolis magic ritual lodge allows for personalized workshop

BY KATE DRAKULIC Update: Andrew McCarthy is still a heartthrob! The charming and personable actor, writer, editor, director, travel writer, novelist (the list goes on), spoke last month at Hennepin County Library’s “Talk of the Stacks,” event about many things, but particularly about his new YA novel “Just Fly Away.”

Middle-aged locals were giddy with excitement, chatting about the book and McCarthy’s debuts in various films. The doors opened at 6:15 p.m., filled up by 6:40 p.m., and started promptly at 7 p.m. McCarthy first spoke briefly on “Pretty in Pink,” explaining that he could read a crowd and knew that’s what everyone was hoping to hear. He noted that, similar to his novel, “Pretty In Pink” is also a story about ISABELLA MURRAY coming of age. It was alsoBY his fi rst big introduction to his career. McCarthy first found his place on the stage after trying out for a play in high school. He recalled it to be “an absolute moment of knowing.” His acting and travel writing experience taught him to differentiate good plot lines and dialogue from bad. As the sky got darker, Black Violin took the stage. Upon entering Northrop Auditorium on Friday, April 14, Composed of Wil B. and Kev Marcus, the men combine it evidentMcCarthy that artistsrefers and patrons of as thean arts alike Aswas a novelist, to himself their classical training and hip-hop influences to create were encouraged to enter space. fiGreeted byas aa “accidental YA author.” “Just the Fly Away” rst began a distinctive multi-genre sound that is often described violinist nearmarriage, the door as a premonition of the feature story about secrecy, and family as told from as “classical boom,” according to Northrop’s website. performance, Black Violin, the entryway an adult’s perspective. He worked on theshow draftwas for no Further research on the group indicated that Black observers and enjoyed by those wandering various less than seven years. Aware that it wasn’t quite right, Violin has shared stages with top names like Kanye stations devoted to the to arts in Northrop’s he continued to return these themes ofvestibule. family and West, Aerosmith and Tom Petty, and has creatively secrecy. “You can play all sorts of tricks on yourself just collaborated with the likes of Wu-Tang Clan, Wyclef While the main he event, Black Violin,toperformed at 7:30 to keep going,” said, referring his adamancy Jean and Alicia Keys. p.m., the arts were celebrated all afternoon. Over in of the first draft. Northrop’s cafe, Surdyk’s, coffee cups were provided World Art Day, a day devoted to celebrating music, dance, at eachafter tablemessing accompanied colored Finally, around by and writingmarkers. from the Cafe and theater on campus, was planned by Northrop’s attendees were encouraged to decorate, off ering a daughter’s perspective, McCarthy effortlessly wrote 100 student group, The University Collaborative Ambassadors creative spin to ordinary activities. pages and knew he foundcafe his groove. “When I admitted for Northrop (U-CAN). U-CAN connects Northrop with to myself that I was writing a YA book, I completely dried the U of M campus by collaborating with campus Tabling by creative entities on campus from up,” he said. “But I paid attention, stayedand out of thethe way, departments and student organizations to plan and greater Twinthe Cities community products and and trusted process.” He didfeatured admit to validating the produce a variety of events, activities, and opportunities. works refl ecting their respective passions. Workshops on book with his 15-year-old neighbor, just to make sure It also utilizes Northrop’s theaters, study lounges, and topics “Creative Action, Artisticgirl’s Approaches to Social he waslike really capturing a teenage perspective. Surdyk’s café and art gallery, according to Northrop. Justice” were provided asmoment well. he started writing from McCarthy referred to the

Northrop event caters to the artistically inclined

P MG. AY1910–1 4

World Art Day was a special day dedicated to the burgeoning arts community on campus and in the greater area, planned by an enthusiastic group devoted to the campus arts community. JAN E L IN

the daughter’s perspective several times as a similar The violinist near the as door washereplaced by various “moment of knowing” when first stepped on stage. other including ukulele performances Irish “Just Flyacts, Away, ” is available at various locationsand including dancing. Increasing crowds of people surrounded the Target, Barnes & Noble, and online at Amazon. performers as the day progressed.

The beckoning allure behind the Leaping Laughter Lodge is quickly cooled as one steps through the door, into a room with couches, snacks, and booze. The space resembles a high school hangout more so than a meeting place for those interested in the realm of magic ritual. In contrast to the unusual art spanning the walls, which included bare-chested bestial figures and vibrant depictions of astrological insignia, sat two portly, plainly dressed, ritually seasoned gentlemen engaged in casual conversation. They were undoubtedly surprised to see two fresh faced college-aged kids in their midst, yet their expressions and attitudes reflected this only momentarily. As in most new situations, curiosity is an attractive force that allowed conversation to flicker from the origins of Freemasonry, to the ritual components of the Gnostic Mass, and to Thelema, a system of syncretic beliefs and practices fathered by the Englishman Aleister Crowley.

R U BY G U T H R I E

TAY LO R DAN I E L S

BY JOHN BLOCHER

Following a half an hour or so of chatting, the four of us moved behind a red curtain into the Lodge proper. A wand and dagger rested upon a podium facing a chessboard-tiled altar. One of the men, Randall, was the first to more or less perform a ritual—though the elaborations were for himself and the constituent forces, rather than those of us observing. He outlined what is known as the Qabalistic Cross, a gesture like the Christian Sign of the Cross, except that the left shoulder is the first to be touched, and the southward point of contact is ominously near one’s private parts. Next came a series of turns accompanied by a vibrating mixture of Hebrew words, and other seemingly occult utterances, capped off by the grandiose tracing of a pentagram in each of the four cardinal directions. As guests of the Lodge, we were required to participate in one of the rituals, which for us involved mispronouncing the chants and fumbling through the steps. It’s hard to say if we were at all changed, though a hint of satisfaction was gleaned from carrying out the novel task. Both the process and the devotees themselves were neutral and easy-going. All said and done, was it really so different from miming through the Catholic Masses of my childhood, sitting, standing, kneeling, another Sunday of going through the motions?

MAYP1–14 G. 9

T H E WA VOKIC E ES

VOICES THE WAKE

BY JACOB STEINBERG The Chilean folk singer VĂctor Jara was taken prisoner on Sept. 12, 1973, as part of a U.S.-backed coup dâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ĂŠtat against socialist President Salvador Allende by rightwing military leader Augusto Pinochet. Jara, along with thousands of others, was taken to Chile Stadium where the guards smashed his hands and fingers, and mocked the folk singer by forcing him to play the guitar with his crippled digits. Jara was tortured and executed by gunshot to the head. His body, riddled with over 40 bullets, was then displayed at the entrance of the stadium for other prisoners to see. VĂctor Jara was a victim of circumstance. He was an actively political musician that infused left-wing activism into his traditional folk songs. His music told stories of poverty heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d experienced firsthand, and he provoked the Chilean right wing with songs that took direct aim at the government. When Pinochet took over Chile, he sent a message with Jaraâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s death that vocal criticism would not stand under the newly installed dictatorship.

the type of stuff Hitler himself painted before he was rejected from art school.

Stalinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s government systematically executed all the Soviet Unionâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Ukrainian poets, writers, and artists in what has been called the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Executed Renaissance.â&#x20AC;? Under Brazilâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s military government, authorities stormed museums and demanded certain â&#x20AC;&#x153;dangerous imagesâ&#x20AC;? be taken down. One such image was a photograph depicting a member of the military falling off a motorcycle. Authoritarians do this because they understand, perhaps better than most, the ways that art can provoke critical thought and examination. They donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t attack the arts because they want the world to be a drab, ugly place; they do it because they understand the danger the arts pose to their grip on control. The Great German Art Exhibition of 1937 best demonstrated this duality. The event consisted of two different exhibitions. The first showcased a number of Nazi-approved works: blonde nudes, paintings glorifying soldiers and idealized German landscapesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;

P G. M AY81 â&#x20AC;&#x201C;1 4

The second exhibition featured art that the Nazis deemed â&#x20AC;&#x153;degenerate.â&#x20AC;? This exhibit contained art Despite the fact that Trump that was modern and tweeted 19 times in 2013 abstract, or painted and 2014 that the U.S. by Jewish or communist needed to stay out of artists. Much of the art was Syria, on Thursday, April deemed blasphemous 6, Trump ordered because it criticized the U.S. Navy to German soldiers or launch a military offended the honor chopping strike involving 59 of German women. block. The NEA accounts for a measly Tomahawk cruise This art was displayed .004 percent of the federal budget. missiles on a Syrian in a disarrayed and government air base. unflattering manner, The location was home While his justification for the cut comes from a desire with the Nazisâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; clear to the warplanes that carried to limit excessive federal spending, there are far more goal being to discourage out the chemical attacks that killed costly expenditures he could targetâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;this is meant to be deviations from the norms of approved German culture. dozens of civilians earlier in the a message. Modern authoritarian governments are less overtly week. This attack was a shift from hostile toward art, but still retaliate. The Chinese Trumpâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s previous claim, â&#x20AC;&#x153;SyriaBut, should be a free if thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s one zone thing for we can learn from all this, dissident Ai Weiwei uses art to criticize Chinaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ISIS, let them fight and then you remnants.â&#x20AC;? itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pick that up art,the along with its messages and invitations it echoes Trumpâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s responsetointhink the March 11, 2016 differently, will endure. The irony of the Nazi â&#x20AC;&#x153;But, if thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s one thingYetwe can learn from CNNwith Republican presidential debate to whether or not crackdown on art was that, outside of Germany, the soall this, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that art, along its messages he would send ground troops to fi ght ISIL: â&#x20AC;&#x153;We really called â&#x20AC;&#x153;degenerateâ&#x20AC;? art was being lauded for pushing and invitations to think differently, will have no choice. We have to knock out ISIS.â&#x20AC;? boundaries and shifting the paradigm. In fact, the art endure.â&#x20AC;? was made even more popular because the Nazis so It is clear that President Trumpdespised has changed his mind it. authoritarian policies. China has retaliated against about how the U.S. is going to act on the Syria issue. Weiweiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s provocations by jailing him without charge, Even though he said the attack thatVĂctor caught everyone After Jaraâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gruesome death, his music became restricting his ability to travel, and even demolishing by surprise was due to the recent attacks, it evenchemical more popular, spreading throughout Chile and his studio. Another Chinese artist, Dai Jianyong, was wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really do much to change acrossthe theyears-long world. He civil became a martyr, and his music detained and threatened with five yearsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; imprisonment war in Syria. Therefore, aside became from theahumanitarian testament to the danger of the arts toward for his satirical depictions of Chinese President Xi Jinping. approach of wiping out terrorism, bombing of Syria thosethe who would seek to oppress. In 1990, after years of seems to have more to do with the countries that Syria bloody dictatorship, Chile returned to a democracy. Unfortunately, our current president has been showing has ties to, such as Russia. These new aims seem to be frighteningly authoritarian tendencies, including his reflective of the strategy that former Secretary of State Jara sung in one of the last â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yo no canto por cantar,â&#x20AC;? attitude toward the arts. Trumpâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s public feuds with and presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, espoused: songs he wrote beforeâ&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s his death, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Manifiesto.â&#x20AC;? Hamilton and Saturday Night Live have been laughable time the Russians were afraid of us because we were at best, but also underscore some troubling hostility going to stand up for the rights, the human the I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sing justrights, to sing. toward artistic criticism. His proposed 2018 budget dignity and the future of the Syrian people.â&#x20AC;? places the National Endowment for the Arts on the

BMM EBZ Throughout history, authoritarians have targeted the arts as a part of their campaigns for power and control. They often brand the artsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;or the artists themselvesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; as dangerous and have called for their seizure or destruction.

BY JASMINE WU

TAY LO R DAN I E L S

Why artists always end up on the most-wanted list

Where does the president stand on intervention abroad?

RU BY GU T H RI E

TRUMP BOMBING SYRIA WAS A WARNING TO RUSSIA

P G. 7 P1â&#x20AC;&#x201C;14 G. 8 MAY

T H E WA VOKIC E ES

VOICES THE WAKE

the type of stuff Hitler himself painted before he was rejected from art school.

P 71 â&#x20AC;&#x201C;1 4 MG. AY8

BY JASMINE WU

TAY LO R DAN I E L S

Why artists always end up on the most-wanted list

Where does the president stand on intervention abroad?

RU BY GU T H RI E

TRUMP BOMBING SYRIA WAS A WARNING TO RUSSIA

P G. MAY 7 1â&#x20AC;&#x201C;14

T H E WA C ITKIES E

CITIES THE WAKE

M ARI AH CRAB B

WE ARE WITNESSING THE 6TH BAIL BARGAINING EXTINCTION UMN grad student battles pre-trial imprisonment through the bail system BY CARTER BLOCHWITZ

TAY LOR DA NI E L S

Carlson MBA student, respectively, also assist with the Over the last year, Simon Cecil has operation of the organization. found himself stationed outside of In its current state, the Freedom Fund seeks to act as the Hennepin County Jail nearly replacement for bail bond agencies, which profit off of 40 times. Each time he is individuals and families unable to pay the costs of bail waiting for a complete themselves. This is an industry that almost exclusively stranger. He only knows targets impoverished demographics. their name and what their face looks like from “Broadly it is a class issue,” Cecil said. “If you’re a low a mugshot—yet he has income person, you’ll likely end up working with a posted their bail and granted bail agent.” them freedom. In return, heBY merely CLAUDIA ALTHOEN asks that they attend their court date. Bail bonds were created during the western expansion to states such as California when settlers in jail didn’t Cecil, a 34-year-old graduate student of business and Maori. Speciesdoes introduction into the nearby Kakapafamily habitat in the “As a species, we are killers,” said Elizabeth Kolbert, author Sixth have to almost pay forresulted their release. public policyofat“The the University of Minnesota, not extinction. only 126 of itsStates kind are left.of only two places with a Extinction: An Unnatural History” and writer fordo The New She gave United is one this outYorker. of kindness alone, species’ but to bring changeCurrently, to the “The a special lecture at the Northrop Auditorium onbail April 13. commercial bail bond system,” said Joshua Page, a system. The past major extinctions were surveyed well. Sheatpresented a graph professor ofas sociology the University of Minnesota, of theispast five on Earth, fromthe theonly End-Ordovician Her Pulitzer-winning book, published in 2014, “From explains Earth’s history Philippines being other country with the ourthe point of view the system unjust atgeologic its core,” moments to the End-Cretaceous period,industry. and explained eachofgeologic moment of mass extinctions and shows her readers that the planet is in“There’s the middle “A number other states do not rely on said Cecil. just no space in an equitable represents a three-quarters of species onhe Earth. The End-Ordovician of another one, this time man-made. Her work shows how some for-profit bail,” added—these include a number of democracy for species an institution of justice that separates its loss life, and the neighbors, End-Cretaceous extinction can adapt; most cannot adapt to humanity’s impact on the climate including Wisconsin and Illinois. members based and on financial extinction standing.” was confined to sea Minnesota’s environment and predicts a significant loss of species by the end of the century. ended all non-avian dinosaur life on Earth. Then, she spoke of the three main ways that humans Although are accelerating change and stoppingclimate the exploitation of the poor is a Bail is assessed on a situational basis by the county all of its impacts, especially Kolbert in her discussion detailed a study that conducted primary Besides drive forgeographic Cecil, theredistribution, are many other parallel judge and research is used toon ensure arrestees attend their court extinction. atmospheric changes responsible for are also affecting a species of tree, which lives in a very narrow climate range, in the issuesare that are consequences of the bail system. dates. Depending on the severity of charges, judgesthat humans thewith environment other ways. Peruvian Andes. There is current evidence showing that while some will assess higher or lower bails a promiseinthat tree species have been moving into higher altitudes as thewill effects of Research done by prosecutors for a lawsuit made the money be returned upon attendance of a last way is the the changes humans are creating in in theIllinois, oceans, climate change become more apparent, somedefendant’s species migrate much against Cook County which encompasses court as date. If bailThe cannot be made, ocean acidification. Net acidity in the that oceans hasunable increased as several meters per year to get away from climate change effects. Chicago, indicated those to make bail for defendant will be required to specifically, remain in jail until their asoccur. much as 30 percent over the last two centuries. It was particularly However, this isn’t the case for all species. There arewhich somecan species the smallest of offences were not only far more likely to trial, take that months to interesting to learn that the bodies of water absorb a current oftoa be sentenced have not moved and are thus at risk. This is especially concerning since be convicted, but 10 times moretotal likely million 60 metric of CO2 hours. there are over 1,000 species of trees in this area of the world. to four a state prison. The lawsuit argues that this is a direct According to federal data, between to 70tons percent of every violation of the 8th Amendment, which prohibits the use the nearly 750,000 inmates confined around the U.S. at the yearof 2100, the pH theexcessive oceans could bethis 7.8,case, whichfactoring could mean “Pick a leaf of an interesting shape and try to follow it [in the bail—in in the inability any given timeforest] have ... not beenBy convicted a crime andof all of be lost. [you] won’t be able to,” she said of the high diversity of tree species in the an incredible amount of marine forlife thewill incarcerated to seek legal services, loss of work, are awaiting trial. Peruvian Andes. Kolbert contrasted the Peruvian Andes to some other and subjection to personal injury by other inmates. Kolbert gaveharsher a brief overview of another way humans alter the areas in the world, such as the Boreal forests “People in Canada. only a often whoThere don’tare make bail receive unrelatedReports to climate change:byspecies introduction. couple dozen different species of trees existentsentences,” in Canada,Cecil she said. published NPR and the Huffington Post have said, addingenvironment to a laundry entirely list of ways She discussed events the Pacific rat to New alsoimporting drawn a of correlation between the inability to post bail negatively affects impoverished inmates, “and such they as the Zealand bylose the their Maori, as a source of food. The introduction of thesevere crimes and Kolbert began the evening with a story of the Alalā bail and the perpetuation of more can’t bird, workor in Hawaiian jail, which can make them job, European is their a more recent example, crow. The species, a sacred bird to Hawaiians,lose is extinct in the wild, and prison suicide.and for this one, bounties their housing, and even struggle to rabbit support were placed on the rabbits. Funny? Yes. A serious issue? Yes. A solution to the remaining birds are being bred in facilitiesfamilies.” to help restore their the problem? No, not yet. population. She joked about one of the birds in particular, saying that Although funding for the Minnesota Freedom Fund has it “doesn’t seem to self identify as a crow.” OverAfter time, the crow been sustained by several fellowships granted by the looking intolearned the ethics surrounding bail and During Q&A afterwards, someCecil points that Kolbert brought to say “I know, I know, I know,” which to Kolbertanalyzing turned the crow efforts into “anin large University, now plans to raise even more money similar citiesthe such assession Chicago up Minnesota in responseFreedom to questions were change. For one with higher bail emblem of the mess we’re in.” as arelated meanstotoclimate tackle larger caseloads and New York, Cecil created the question, her answer bail was focused on governmental and social issues that amounts. These include DUI cases, which can run up to Fund. The fund is a nonprofit dedicated to posting with change. and She said that people to be Another species on the brink of extinction as a and result of human Immigration andseem Customs Enforcement ensuring adequate legal come counsel foraddressing individuals climate $10,000, talking past eachpay other—she we simply aside how we and feel even more interference, especially in the introduction of invasive is the cases—which rarely “put are assigned bail, chargedspecies, with misdemeanors and who cannot their suggested and justAndriano, do it.” Kakapo. Kolbert said that the flightless parrot used to be in rarely paid. way out ofwidespread jail. David Whitney, Janet and New Zealand, but its population began to decline after thealumni arrival of ofWesleyan, the Adam Raul, Humphrey, and a

Elizabeth Kolbert presented how species are dying at an alarming rate

“Bail funds are not a solution,” said Cecil. “The most important work will be the push for a complete overhaul of the criminal justice system.”

PMG. M AY AY611–1 –144

G. G. 65 MAYPP1–14

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11/29/16 10:48 AM

T H E WA K E

CITIES

BAIL BARGAINING UMN grad student battles pre-trial imprisonment through the bail system BY CARTER BLOCHWITZ

TAY LOR DA NI E L S

Over the last year, Simon Cecil has found himself stationed outside of the Hennepin County Jail nearly 40 times. Each time he is waiting for a complete stranger. He only knows their name and what their face looks like from a mugshot—yet he has posted their bail and granted them freedom. In return, he merely asks that they attend their court date.

“Bail funds are not a solution,” said Cecil. “The most important work will be the push for a complete overhaul of the criminal justice system.”

M MAY AY 11–1 –144

Cecil, a 34-year-old graduate student of business and public policy at the University of Minnesota, does not do this out of kindness alone, but to bring change to the bail system. “From our point of view the system is unjust at its core,” said Cecil. “There’s just no space in an equitable democracy for an institution of justice that separates its members based on financial standing.” Bail is assessed on a situational basis by the county judge and is used to ensure arrestees attend their court dates. Depending on the severity of charges, judges will assess higher or lower bails with a promise that the money will be returned upon attendance of a defendant’s court date. If bail cannot be made, the defendant will be required to remain in jail until their trial, which can take months to occur. According to federal data, between 60 to 70 percent of the nearly 750,000 inmates confined around the U.S. at any given time have not been convicted of a crime and are awaiting trial. “People who don’t make bail often receive harsher sentences,” Cecil said, adding to a laundry list of ways bail negatively affects impoverished inmates, “and they can’t work in jail, which can make them lose their job, lose their housing, and even struggle to support their families.” After looking into the ethics surrounding bail and analyzing similar efforts in large cities such as Chicago and New York, Cecil created the Minnesota Freedom Fund. The fund is a nonprofit dedicated to posting bail and ensuring adequate legal counsel for individuals charged with misdemeanors and who cannot pay their way out of jail. David Whitney, Janet Andriano, and Adam Raul, alumni of Wesleyan, Humphrey, and a

Carlson MBA student, respectively, also assist with the operation of the organization. In its current state, the Freedom Fund seeks to act as replacement for bail bond agencies, which profit off of individuals and families unable to pay the costs of bail themselves. This is an industry that almost exclusively targets impoverished demographics. “Broadly it is a class issue,” Cecil said. “If you’re a low income person, you’ll likely end up working with a bail agent.” Bail bonds were created during the western expansion to states such as California when settlers in jail didn’t have nearby family to pay for their release. “The United States is one of only two places with a commercial bail bond system,” said Joshua Page, a professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, Philippines being the only other country with the industry. “A number of other states do not rely on for-profit bail,” he added—these include a number of Minnesota’s neighbors, including Wisconsin and Illinois. Although stopping the exploitation of the poor is a primary drive for Cecil, there are many other parallel issues that are consequences of the bail system. Research done by prosecutors for a lawsuit made against Cook County in Illinois, which encompasses Chicago, indicated that those unable to make bail for the smallest of offences were not only far more likely to be convicted, but 10 times more likely to be sentenced to a state prison. The lawsuit argues that this is a direct violation of the 8th Amendment, which prohibits the use of excessive bail—in this case, factoring in the inability for the incarcerated to seek legal services, loss of work, and subjection to personal injury by other inmates. Reports published by NPR and the Huffington Post have also drawn a correlation between the inability to post bail and the perpetuation of more severe crimes and prison suicide. Although funding for the Minnesota Freedom Fund has been sustained by several fellowships granted by the University, Cecil now plans to raise even more money as a means to tackle larger caseloads with higher bail amounts. These include DUI cases, which can run up to $10,000, and Immigration and Customs Enforcement cases—which rarely are assigned bail, and even more rarely paid.

PPG. G. 45

VOLUME 16, ISSUE 12 bail bargaining

p. 5

we are witnessing the 6th extinction

p. 6

trump bombing syria

p. 7

authoritarians and the arts

p. 8

talk of the stacks: andrew mccarthy

p. 9

a gathering of sorcerers

p. 9

world art day wows

p. 10

3 reviews

p. 11

©2017 The Wake Student Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota. The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong. Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email avanabbema@wakemag.org.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR The end of the semester signifies a time of closure for many students, particularly those graduating and moving on to the -real world-. We here at The Wake Magazine will dearly miss our graduating staff and writers. Every year with the magazine brings a particular style and character based on the hard-working people who contribute to every issue. I thank our grads for leaving us such a beautiful master work to nurture and grow. And grow we will. Next year, The Wake will be shifting its content to be more arts-focused, a change that feels natural given the energy and interest of our writer and reader base. We remain committed to being a platform for student expression, and plan to embrace this in a variety of forms: journalism, op-ed, illustration, photography, creative writing, and a very emphatic “et cetera.” What makes up the beautiful, wacky, barrier-breaking arts scene around the campus and in the Twin Cities? How does creativity help enact a real narrative shift? What hard questions do we need to ask ourselves about the world around us? How can we answer them thoughtfully and responsibly? This is really what is at the heart of the change, and what our content will reflect going forward. I’m humbled to have the opportunity to help develop these ideas with a hungry new staff, and my fearless partners Holly Wilson (Executive Director ’17-’18) and Olivia Novotny (Production Director ’17-’18). I can’t wait to engage with you next year, and to continue to grow this beloved publication. Stay here, stay woke. Emma Klingler Voices Editor, ’17-’18 Editor-in-Chief

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PRODUCTION:

THIS ISSUE:

Editor-in-Chief

Alex Van Abbema

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Lianna Matt

Illustrators + Photographers

Managing Editor

Laura Beier

Creative Director

Kate Doyle

Esther Yanh, Jaye Ahn, Mariah Crabb, Ruby Guthrie, Stevie Lacher,

Cities Editor

Erik Newland

Art Director

Taylor Daniels

Voices Editor

Emma Klingler

Designers

Andrew Tomten

Contributing Writers

Sound & Vision Editors

John Blocher

Kellen Renstrom

Carter Blochwitz, Claudia Althoen, Isabella Murray,

Shawnna Stennes

Olivia Novotny

Taylor Daniels

Jacob Steinberg, Jasmine Wu, John Blocher, Kate Drakulic, Sophie Stephens, Tony Burton

Online editor

Carson Kaskel

Finance Manager

Chris Bernatz

Copy editor

Alex Wittenberg

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Holly Wilson

Avery Boehm

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Laurel Tieman

BIZARRO SIDE:

Julia Holmes

Illustrators

Faculty Advisor

Chelsea Reynolds

Editorial Interns Carter Blochwitz, Chris Shea, Gabby Granada, Isabella Murray, Jacob Steinberg, Kate Drakulic, Liv Martin, Max Roberts, Sammy Brown, Simon Batisch

Production Interns Brooke Herbert, Darby Ottoson, Grace Steward, Olivia Rezac, Rakshit Kalra, Sophie Stephens Art & Design Interns Cameron Smith, Katie Heywood, Mariah Crabb, Megan Smith, Sophie Stephens, Stevie Lacher, Xavier Wang

Jaye Ahn, Katie Heywood, Nora Peterson, Stevie Lacher, Taylor Daniels Contributing Writers Carson Kaskel, Chris Shea, Claudia Althoen, Cody Perakslis, Emma Dill, Jacob Steinberg, John Blocher, Karl Witkowiak Liv Martin, Sam Batistich, Tony Burton

fortnightly student magazine

volume 16 â&#x20AC;&#x201D; issue 12

bail bargaining

p. 5

authoritarians and the arts

p. 8

we are witnessing the 6th extinction

p. 6

a gathering of sorcerers

p. 9

trump bombing syria

p. 7

world art day wows

p. 10