[New] Yearbook Lovers

A ranking of my childhood crushes

BY STELLA MEHLHOFF

Oh, to remember elementary school romance. Back when things were simple, and crushes were relevant only because it was exciting to confess them at sleepovers. In honor of my nostalgia for uncomplicated childhood ideas of love, here are my crushes before the age of 12, ranked:

7. Rocco: I liked Rocco because he was fast during games of tag, had nice eyelashes, and wore neon green snow pants. My infatuation was short-lived, however, because he decided it was fun to push me o the snow hill during recess while I was trying to play polar bears. He ended up telling everyone in the 3rd grade that we were dating (not cool, Rocco). Turns out, I dodged a bullet—by seventh grade, he was dealing pot in the back of the bus.

6. Orlando Bloom: When I was little, my favorite movie was Pirates of the Caribbean, so naturally, Will Turner was the definition of a heartthrob for me. I loved his accent, his poofy shirts, and his positive masculinity. I also happened to fancy Legolas from Lord of the Rings. I discovered that Orlando acted them both like last year. Still not sure if he’s the common thread or if it’s the character I was into. Either way, he’s only low on this list because it’s a little basic.

5. Aladdin: Yes, the animated one. I mean, the guy can dance and sing, which was very appealing to a former theatre kid. He also has a pet monkey which is obviously a major bonus. Though, this crush did backfire slightly because it made me romanticize shoplifting candy bars and living on a roof (damn you, Disney). Although, when it was time to audition for my 4th-grade production of Aladdin Kids, I had both parts of “A Whole

New World” memorized— helping me score the esteemed role of Vendor Soloist 10.

4. Benjamin: Oh, Ben, my bus stop flirtation. We would both get there every morning early just to talk or have snowball fights. Throughout every year of elementary school, he had the honor of being the only boy invited to my gigantic birthday parties (which I’m sure he loved). On the last day of school one year, we even confessed our mutual crushes. Unfortunately, because it’s elementary school, we didn’t really know what came after that. In middle school, we stopped talking, but he always brought back good memories when I saw him in the halls.

3. Ava: Ava was the only person in my 4th-grade class who read as many words per minute as me in the speed-reading tests. I also always volunteered to play her love interest when we played games. The dream I had in which we got married sealed the deal. At the time, I thought it was quite funny. I think I even told my Mom about it; now… well, let’s just say it aided some other realizations. Not number one because once she tried to convince me she was a vampire, and it was actually kind of convincing? Like suspiciously convincing?

2. The Robin Hood Fox: Look, I am a little ashamed that I had a crush on another animated thief, who also is a fox (I promise that never became a pattern). That being said, even in hindsight, his character had everything going for him. Really good with a bow and arrow, has a nice voice, and abuses the system to help the poor? My kind of man right there.

Finally, Number 1…. Kaden: Kaden was the “it” boy of 5th grade. Everyone liked him. I even put a redsharpie heart around his name in my yearbook. One time, we had a real bonding moment when we got paired for a project in which we had to draw Thanksgiving food—let me tell you, that boy sketched a mean turkey. I sat next to him junior year in science class, and he still doodled in his notes all the time. I swear to god, he better not see this because I would go out with him tomorrow if he asked.