believe in miracles ENGL. UT

Believe in Miracles a film by britta wandaogo final subtitles 81 min. / DIGIBETA / BLUE RAY / MOV / 4:3 wandaogo.de

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Believe in Miracles Cologne, 731797.

731797.

How are you doing?

And how's Dirk doing?

I hope you two aren't working too much.

Nothing left.

I'd have drunk it, too.

- Huh? I'd have drunk it, too.

- It tasted like ... stale feet, so I did you a real favor.

Are you getting up now?

Hey, Britta, it's me, your father.

I was planning to go to Cologne to see you again and not to discuss any problems.

You aren't very attractive today.

It's normal for a father to want to see his children, but if Dirk isn't up to it, I'll at least get to see you.

Call me back, please. Bye. Hi, Britta, hi, Dirk.

Give me a call. It's important.

Hey, not bad.

Hi, you two. Britta?

Damn it.

Aren't you talking to me anymore, or what's the deal?

The breakfast table is set as usual.

Hey, Britta, get off my balls!

I told you to get off my balls.

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I'm coughing heavily.

Not again! I don't believe it!

I did it again ...

You forgot the coffee, right?

- I forgot the coffee again.

You do it. You're better at it.

- Bullshit. You think I'm an idiot?

Just put in the coffee. Then it works.

Can't you do it?

- Why? You just put in coffee ...

Another day begins in this frustrating way!

You're just talking bullshit!

- I know.

Tell that someone else.

Hey, Mom, you wanna ration my money?

Yeah, a bit.

Hey, think about what you're saying.

What's it got to do with the money?

We didn't get to bed until 4:30.

No way.

Yeah, got it.

Yeah, okay. Sure thing. See ya.

What's going on in her head?

The cup is hot from the sun.

Nice weather today.

Wanna talk about the weather?

- Yeah.

Know what'd be really cool?

If you got me some tobacco.

Will you?

- Sure thing.

I'm your sister.

I'll do anything for you.

What did you think?

It's really cool.

You're kind of a masochist.

Now be honest ...

Just "kind of"?

- Why aren't I an only child?

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Fucking honey! Instead of putting a good wine on the table, I only get this crap.

You gotta add sugar so it's worth drinking at all.

I'm drunk, but I still can't sleep.

It's been going on for three weeks now.

Three weeks and no sleep.

When I got drunk in the past, I could always fall asleep.

You've had enough to drink already.

You drank too much, I drank too much.

Tomorrow we can get some weed.

That won't help me tonight.

- No, we can get it tomorrow night.

Yeah, but tomorrow night I have to pick up the motorcycle ...

I promise we'll pick it up tomorrow night. Anyway ...

What's the sense of picking it up tomorrow? 'cause you can't talk me into it now. 'cause you make up some kind of principle that you think is right, but there's nothing to it.

No thought. All you think is: I can't do it now!

That's your attitude.

You got your mind set on it.

Brilliant!

It has nothing to do with it.

It's bullshit to get worked up about it.

If we'd gone there, everything'd be fine now.

Like always.

How do I know? What's the deal?

Am I being held prisoner here?

You're the asshole here.

- No, you are.

You thought all along that you wouldn't be in such bad shape and you'd take codeine or whatever.

You never try to cope alone.

What if you feel totally ...

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You essentially look for the lesser of two evils.

You've always looked for it ...

- That has nothing to do with it.

You don't get it.

How could I explain it to you?

I mean, it's better than getting drunk.

Drinking is fucked up.

You're really funny.

You're fucked up, but you're also kind of funny.

You wanna get killed?

- Yeah.

Drugs keep you looking young.

I look nice and fresh, don't I? This is Britta. She is 29 and co-dependent.

Britta is ...

There's another cool guy!

We can really live it up again today.

I'm gonna get the drugs now.

It's the worst feeling when you physically feel like shit.

You wanna sleep in the bed tonight?

- Yeah.

No. - Please.

The air mattress drives me crazy.

It was okay last night. I was high.

- Drop the drugs or sleep on the floor.

You aren't high today?

- From what?

There's lots of stuff you don't wanna do, so look for the lesser evil.

In the common view it's normal to go to work, have a nice family and a home.

You have your regular life, then everything's fine. What more do you want?

There are three packs of cigarettes on the floor.

I'm not getting back in that rat race.

Maybe it's why I keep having relapses.

You finish the job, and I'll film.

I need to eat something now.

You aren't leaving the place.

- You think I wanna eat crap?

I didn't eat anything yesterday.

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I had nothing yesterday and the day before. I went to McDonald's beforehand.

Awesome!

I'm definitely eating something today.

Try it. You'll like it.

It's better than Mom's lentil soup.

It really is. Just try it ...

I don't want to.

I already feel kind of sick.

No, really. - It's delicious.

If I say so, it's delicious.

You like it, too.

- I feel sick.

That means there's more for me.

So that's better.

Come on, hurry up.

I've been keeping still for two hours.

I can't take it. I just want it to stop.

It's really taking too long.

Three more days.

Who knows how long it will take.

And the fact that I took codeine really bothers me most.

It's all fucked up.

What a good life. They lie around and don't have to detox.

And guys like me suffer all day.

He's running down.

Can you stop him, so he doesn't run down?

Before I kicked the habit, I took a really high dose of heroin.

I took five grams of awesome heroin, really horrific.

I took five grams. It was so awesome.

I didn't know what was going on!

But it wasn't all that cool, 'cause things aren't so cool now.

I'm not in good shape, and my armpits are all sweaty.

When I went through town today, my bones were killing me.

It's incredible.

You know, it's a feeling like freezing, sweating, hanging around the train station with drugs all around 6

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and still not buying anything.

It shows me: It's possible.

So I don't know why I have to go through therapy.

I somehow believe it's gonna work out okay this time.

I come home and all I find is this stoned body.

Hey, I'm not stoned.

- Look at your eyes!

I got bombed with this guy, and we took Diazepam.

Where's the cash?

- I still got cash.

I paid for the bike and for the camera.

How much did you pay for the camera?

60. He wanted to call at ten ...

What did you buy clothes for?

- Listen to me.

He said it'd cost 900 marks at a store.

I told him I had no clue, so I looked at stores. That's what took so long.

I went down the whole Breite Strasse looking for the camera.

Then I told the guy, I'll give you 60 marks for it.

You can call me here at ten, 'cause you know all about cameras, and Canon is a good brand.

And if not, you can sell the camera and give me back my 60 marks.

I thought it'd be a good deal for you.

You know, sometimes I want to help you.

You could've done me a favor by not creating total chaos here.

I got the right to fight, don't I? I'm not gonna let anybody mug me.

I don't mind at all, but you should've left home by noon to take care of some things instead of hanging around the station and who knows what. It's 10 o'clock, and you haven't done anything yet.

I went to McDonald's ...

- You get cash and spend the whole day boozing it up and hanging around.

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I didn't drink that much ...

- How much money did you get?

You know how glad I was to be outside? I got 300 marks.

How much do you have left?

I spent 50 marks on the bike, 60 for that thing, and I stuffed myself.

And you boozed it up.

- What do you mean by that?

I drank beer ... in cans.

I drank 69-pfennig beer ...

59-pfennig beer.

Then leave the money here for the phone bill.

Then I'm down to zero. - Yeah, you know that the phone bill costs 150 marks.

I never have any money.

Everything is so fucked up.

Could you pay 100 marks and I pay 50?

I'm just asking you.

I'll pay it tomorrow.

I told you I would.

They're gonna jail me anyway, 'cause I didn't pay my debts.

What's all this?

Where'd all this blood come from?

Especially 'cause the green shirt is my favorite, and now it's all bloody.

He hit me right on the spot where I hit the window pane.

I just wanted to break his nose.

And the guy ...

I hit him on the side somehow.

He wasn't expecting it.

He thought, "I'll mess that guy up."

Look how it's swelling up.

It's gotta be stitched up.

You bet it needs stitching up.

Look how it's swelling up.

We gotta go now.

- Should I leave this shit on?

It's impressive.

They'll treat you sooner.

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Is anything wrong with my right eye? Is it higher?

Or crooked? They said, it might be crooked later.

In any case, I'll have a scar for life.

The scar's okay.

- Scars are manly.

Scars are manly.

I gotta drink something. My mouth is so dry. I got so worked up.

I'll give you some water.

- Yeah, water's okay.

I need calcium or magnesium.

- Just stay where you are.

What you do later ... you experienced extremes, and you need extremes later.

I can't say how I'd be if I was normal, if I'd never taken drugs.

Who would I be then?

Relapses ... I remember you once said that relapses are normal.

Take note of them and try to deal with them.

I have a relapse and think I can cope with it.

And then five days later I realize that I'm totally plastered, and I think, "Shit, you're plastered."

And I step on the gas.

Two, three, four, five grams.

The good thing is that it pisses me off, and I pull the brakes.

Don't you wanna eat anything?

Britta!

You're getting on my balls.

Shit!

You aren't aware of anything?

- Just shut up!

You were never like this before.

- I know ...

What?

- Just leave me alone.

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I won't leave you alone.

I don't fucking want to explain it to you.

I just wanna sleep.

You are so fucked up!

- No, I just wanna sleep.

Jesus, I don't believe it.

I just wanna ...

- If you take one more pill here ... you can close the door forever.

Hey, is everything cool with you?

Why here?

He's coming here? What's going on up front? Anybody there? Too cold, huh?

Is anybody there? Is Ralf still there?

The guy with the butch haircut?

With the black hair? No, I got stuff in my pocket. I'm not going up front.

Okay, let 'em be.

Hey, Britta, they all think I'm a cheat because of that shit.

I swear, it's all bad for my image.

Wait a sec, there it is.

It's standing there.

Out of the way!

Come on, Britta, we gotta run. We won't get it, 'cause I can't keep up with you.

Fucking shit!

Everybody turns around except for the train.

Here's the smoking section. Where's the ticket collector? Left or right?

At the homeless shelter you'll see that the guys from the team are really the coolest.

But they gotta take so much crap from those dope heads, especially from those ... ... ecstasy freaks who are real big mouths 10

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when they come in and they're still on a trip.

There used to be some junkies there I got along with.

Let's get out. We gotta hurry.

The train doesn't wait long.

Did you forget anything?

With you it's a fucking hassle.

Are they fucked up or what?

Wait a sec.

I went there and didn't sell anything, so I'm outta money.

Do you still have everything from yesterday?

No, I don't. Last night ...

With smoking and all you use a lot more.

Where's the roll of aluminum foil?

So you were smoking all night again?

I wasted some now and then by trying ... to score a rush, but it didn't work.

- What?

A rush ... which didn't work.

Then it popped off ...

The pump popped off.

The headpiece to be exact.

The needle ... ... between the thing, and everything went bang.

And that was 60 marks that I somehow blew.

When the needle pops off, then everything you push in doesn't go in, because it's harder, because there's blood in it that's blocking it off.

And bang!

The thing just popped off.

And it was fucked up.

- Everything's in slow motion here.

I know.

11

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10:26:50:10 10:26:55:00 10:26:55:10 10:27:00:17 10:27:01:02 10:27:03:13 10:27:04:10 10:27:06:14 10:27:06:24 10:27:10:14 10:27:10:24 10:27:13:12 10:27:13:22 10:27:18:18 10:27:19:03 10:27:22:19 10:27:23:04 10:27:26:21 10:27:27:06 10:27:30:13 10:27:35:08 10:27:38:21 10:27:39:20 10:27:44:13 10:27:44:23 10:27:49:23 10:27:50:08 10:27:55:00 10:27:55:10 10:27:57:23 10:27:58:08 10:28:01:12 10:28:01:22 10:28:04:18 10:28:05:03 10:28:09:01 10:28:09:11 10:28:14:13 10:29:07:20 10:29:10:20 10:29:12:06 10:29:15:14 10:29:16:02 10:29:19:04 10:29:19:20 10:29:22:24 10:29:23:09 10:29:27:01 10:29:27:21 10:29:30:20 10:29:31:05 10:29:35:08

It's hell when it's cold.

When you're wrecked in the cold, it destroys you. If I was on cold turkey in this cold, in this dump ...

I'd be totally wrecked.

Call up, Dirki!

Dirk Petzold speaking. Good evening.

I have an appointment tomorrow between ten and eleven.

I'm at a homeless shelter, and they wake people at ...

What do they do?

Let me think ... ... at eight o'clock, nine ...

They kick you out at 9:30.

And I thought I could get there earlier ... Pardon?

Pack your things!

- But there's still stuff on it.

According to statistics, more people make it without therapy than with ...

I got no idea how.

There are too many unknown cases.

Nobody knows how long they were on drugs and how often they took stuff and what quality it was.

Whether it was just heroin or poly-drugs like multi-toxic stuff, everything they could get.

The people at the train station all look so messed up, but it isn't the heroin that does it.

It's all the pills they got.

Why did they let you detox warm this time?

That's the deal now.

- For everybody?

No, Room 10 is the poly-ward.

They get pills to reduce the dosage.

And the other thing is ...

What I got is ...

Catapresan. That's what I got.

But that's crap, 'cause I don't have blood pressure problems.

12

0287 0288 0289 0290 0291 0292 0293 0294 0295 0296 0297 0298 0299 0300 0301 0302 0303 0304 0305 0306 0307 0308 0309 0310 0311 0312

10:29:38:16 10:29:41:05 10:29:42:07 10:29:47:02 10:29:47:12 10:29:51:07 10:30:00:15 10:30:03:04 10:30:03:14 10:30:08:14 10:30:08:24 10:30:13:17 10:30:14:02 10:30:16:19 10:30:17:04 10:30:22:17 10:30:23:02 10:30:27:16 10:30:28:13 10:30:33:01 10:30:33:11 10:30:35:10 10:30:35:20 10:30:39:06 10:30:39:16 10:30:45:05 10:30:45:15 10:30:50:22 10:30:51:07 10:30:53:12 10:30:53:22 10:30:58:21 10:30:59:06 10:31:01:24 10:31:02:09 10:31:08:06 10:31:08:24 10:31:11:17 10:31:20:01 10:31:22:06 10:31:24:05 10:31:27:21 10:31:28:24 10:31:31:05 10:31:32:08 10:31:34:04 10:31:34:14 10:31:37:22 10:31:38:14 10:31:39:24 10:31:56:06 10:31:57:18

And that's why at first I was always going ...

You know? Always yawning.

And they all said, "Shut your mouth!"

I wobbled around for two days like an alien.

It seemed more like cold turkey.

My bones were aching the whole time.

When I was on cold turkey here, and I got tested three times, and I had 5 grams of heroin that was a real knockout.

You thought that I'd been outside, that I'd run away.

You said, "You were outside."

And in fact I had five grams.

And that was heroin.

I mean, I didn't want to take any.

But you take it automatically.

And when it was gone, the cold turkey was okay.

What I'd bought in Wesseling had been diluted with something, and it really messed up my bones.

After waking up in the shelter I tore open the 5 grams and threw 500 marks worth of heroin on the chair, and when I was awake I sniffed it up through the tube.

And after half an hour I was so bad off that I could move my legs.

And so naturally I was able to go to detox.

Mother, sing me my song.

Don't get too comfortable.

- That you love me.

Know what's good about dumb people?

They don't know they're dumb.

They keep on smiling and thinking everything's okay.

Is that part of it?

- What?

13

0313 0314 0315 0316 0317 0318 0319 0320 0321 0322 0323 0324 0325 0326 0327 0328 0329 0330 0331 0332 0333 0334 0335 0336 0337 0338

10:31:58:03 10:31:59:09 10:31:59:19 10:32:03:00 10:32:03:18 10:32:06:02 10:32:33:12 10:32:35:03 10:32:36:10 10:32:38:13 10:32:41:03 10:32:45:22 10:32:46:16 10:32:50:10 10:32:50:20 10:32:53:06 10:32:54:23 10:32:58:12 10:32:58:22 10:33:01:14 10:33:03:21 10:33:07:02 10:33:07:12 10:33:11:00 10:33:11:10 10:33:14:21 10:33:15:06 10:33:18:18 10:33:19:03 10:33:24:09 10:33:43:03 10:33:45:12 10:33:48:10 10:33:51:13 10:34:19:12 10:34:23:13 10:34:24:24 10:34:27:19 10:34:28:04 10:34:32:14 10:34:32:24 10:34:34:13 10:34:34:23 10:34:37:16 10:34:38:01 10:34:43:19 10:34:44:04 10:34:47:19 10:34:49:23 10:34:54:15 10:34:55:00 10:34:58:00

This here.

- Cut it out!

What is it?

- It's cool. It's ...

Tomorrow or the day after everybody will have it.

Britta is trying to eat.

Maybe dead tomorrow.

Maybe dead tomorrow.

- Maybe. Everything is possible.

Tomorrow? Christmas?

- Yeah, tomorrow. Christmas.

A day like any other.

Hey, hey, hey!

Cut it out, man. I don't go for that.

I'll slug you, and you'll be down and out.

Hey, man ...

- Yes, maybe dead tomorrow.

Maybe you're gonna be dead tomorrow.

Honest.

Honest!

- Don't do that shit, man!

Or I could lose it!

Don't ever do it again!

Maybe dead tomorrow.

- Yeah, you dead tomorrow.

And later I'm falling ... into a relapse.

I don't know the word in English.

It depends on the woman.

I don't know ...

I don't know if you can say that ...

Where is my wallet?

- So I have to detox a bit tonight.

Where is my brown wallet?

Look under there.

- Under here?

I wanted to keep a fifty.

Will you give me that?

I said I wanted to hold on to a fifty.

- Keep cool.

I picked that up for you, and they gave me this today.

14

0339 0340 0341 0342 0343 0344 0345 0346 0347 0348 0349 0350 0351 0352 0353 0354 0355 0356 0357 0358 0359 0360 0361 0362 0363 0364

10:34:58:10 10:35:00:22 10:35:01:07 10:35:05:10 10:35:05:20 10:35:08:01 10:35:08:11 10:35:12:11 10:35:12:21 10:35:16:11 10:35:16:21 10:35:18:13 10:35:18:23 10:35:21:11 10:35:21:21 10:35:23:04 10:35:23:14 10:35:26:14 10:35:31:12 10:35:33:14 10:36:38:14 10:36:41:06 10:37:13:09 10:37:17:15 10:37:18:00 10:37:21:10 10:37:21:20 10:37:27:09 10:37:27:19 10:37:29:18 10:37:30:17 10:37:32:19 10:37:33:13 10:37:36:17 10:37:37:02 10:37:42:11 10:37:42:21 10:37:46:13 10:37:51:10 10:37:54:08 10:37:54:18 10:37:58:11 10:37:58:21 10:38:03:20 10:38:04:22 10:38:10:10 10:38:11:03 10:38:14:04 10:38:14:14 10:38:18:03 10:38:18:23 10:38:22:22

But I'd like to hold on to one of the fifties.

Then I can't do anything.

I can't get anything to smoke or eat.

- If you give me back 330 or 340 on Thursday, you won't have anything left for yourself.

What should I do, man?

Put yourself in my situation.

When does Dirk go to the hospital?

- Who? Dirk.

- Friday.

He has room Friday.

Tomorrow Wednesday?

Go to Daddy.

Then she'll be quiet at once.

I went through that myself whenever I fucked up and they fucked me over.

It was when I was on pills.

That's normal.

It's like the story you told me about that express automat.

That's the way it is.

No, that's crap, too.

But like I said ...

Come over for dinner and I'll make terrific steaks with a good sauce.

I'm great at it. Yeah, yeah.

Like I said, I made you an offer ...

If you ever fuck up ...

Just a second.

My sister is puking.

What are you doing puking?

Stay in touch, Ralf.

All the best, okay?

It's normal, hey. See ya.

What are you doing there?

You sit there and ... and puke all over your pants and keep sitting there. You're drunk, 15

0365 0366 0367 0368 0369 0370 0371 0372 0373 0374 0375 0376 0377 0378 0379 0380 0381 0382 0383 0384 0385 0386 0387 0388 0389 0390

10:38:23:07 10:38:26:21 10:38:30:13 10:38:34:20 10:38:35:11 10:38:38:06 10:38:38:19 10:38:43:15 10:38:44:17 10:38:48:14 10:38:48:24 10:38:52:24 10:38:57:19 10:39:00:22 10:39:01:07 10:39:06:22 10:39:08:01 10:39:10:01 10:39:10:11 10:39:16:00 10:39:18:04 10:39:21:22 10:39:23:18 10:39:28:00 10:39:32:03 10:39:34:06 10:39:35:14 10:39:39:07 10:39:39:17 10:39:40:21 10:39:41:06 10:39:45:02 10:39:45:12 10:39:47:23 10:39:48:08 10:39:51:18 10:39:53:00 10:39:55:18 10:39:57:18 10:40:01:10 10:40:01:20 10:40:02:20 10:40:03:17 10:40:07:23 10:40:08:08 10:40:13:08 10:40:13:18 10:40:17:23 10:40:18:08 10:40:23:01 10:40:23:11 10:40:27:09

and don't even realize. Hold on.

I'll wipe it off. Hey, you're ...

What's going on?

You look like a basketcase. Shit!

I don't believe it. My God. How can you ... A person knows when he's gonna puke. You can't ...

And you keep on filming.

I've never seen that before.

What should I say?

I don't even know where to start.

I don't know.

Just start talking, okay?

About what? - Don't you remember how you used to ask me questions?

There's nothing left.

It's empty, 'cause it's complicated, exhausting. You don't get anywhere.

You want to start thinking.

It's blinking.

It's the light show.

- You got three more minutes.

Where was I? Hey, you look crazy.

- I know.

You're doing weird stuff.

I could jump.

- Jump? That shit?

I wanted to jump out of the window here, too.

But the fifth floor is fucking bad.

And you know, suicide is ... the worst thing you can do according to the Bible.

Why is that?

If you commit suicide, you won't go to heaven. If you believe in God. Yeah, no ... No shit.

Because then you ... aren't taking our dear Lord seriously.

That's the biggest punishment ...

Or can I call it a punishment?

The worst thing you can do is suicide, according to the Bible.

16

0391 0392 0393 0394 0395 0396 0397 0398 0399 0400 0401 0402 0403 0404 0405 0406 0407 0408 0409 0410 0411 0412 0413 0414 0415 0416

10:40:27:19 10:40:29:13 10:40:30:09 10:40:31:24 10:40:33:22 10:40:39:00 10:40:39:21 10:40:43:08 10:40:43:18 10:40:45:14 10:40:45:24 10:40:48:23 10:40:50:10 10:40:55:06 10:41:01:18 10:41:05:11 10:41:06:19 10:41:11:19 10:41:12:04 10:41:16:01 10:41:16:11 10:41:19:18 10:41:22:10 10:41:25:12 10:41:25:22 10:41:30:16 10:41:31:15 10:41:33:09 10:41:36:10 10:41:39:18 10:41:45:24 10:41:47:22 10:41:48:07 10:41:49:23 10:41:52:16 10:41:56:11 10:42:05:17 10:42:10:16 10:42:12:23 10:42:14:21 10:42:18:09 10:42:22:22 10:42:23:07 10:42:26:07 10:42:28:07 10:42:31:05 10:42:31:15 10:42:35:07 10:42:36:17 10:42:40:09 10:42:40:19 10:42:44:12

Because then ...

How did it go?

Because then you don't fear God. That's what they say.

In any case, people who commit suicide don't go to heaven.

They don't stand a chance.

What do you think I'm afraid of most right now?

The future?

Not necessarily. I don't think so.

I don't think you know yourself.

It's true. Every time you want to think about it, you feel exhausted, somehow, and nothing happens.

You don't get anywhere.

Because everything is open.

You know nothing for sure.

You're nodding ...

I'm right, aren't I? I can put myself in your place.

I know the feeling.

Look how she's smiling.

Look how my hair tickles you.

Don't you have any idea what you're teaching her?

No idea.

What should we teach you?

You already know how to grin.

She's really smiling at you.

- Always.

Or are you laughing at me?

She doesn't care when you do something.

I wonder how she perceives stuff.

She's so carefree and easygoing.

You can see right inside of her.

No ulterior motives or any of that shit.

She'll be really proud of you someday.

- Proud of me?

She's already looking at you that way.

- She's kicking my belly. - Do it again!

17

0417 0418 0419 0420 0421 0422 0423 0424 0425 0426 0427 0428 0429 0430 0431 0432 0433 0434 0435 0436 0437 0438 0439 0440 0441 0442

10:42:48:23 10:42:52:24 10:42:55:13 10:42:58:11 10:44:01:10 10:44:03:14 10:44:05:16 10:44:09:24 10:44:10:09 10:44:14:05 10:44:14:15 10:44:15:15 10:44:16:15 10:44:20:15 10:44:21:00 10:44:27:00 10:44:34:16 10:44:37:05 10:44:39:04 10:44:43:11 10:44:43:22 10:44:46:17 10:44:47:02 10:44:50:17 10:44:51:02 10:44:55:00 10:44:55:10 10:45:00:17 10:45:01:02 10:45:05:16 10:45:06:01 10:45:10:12 10:45:10:22 10:45:13:07 10:45:13:17 10:45:16:13 10:45:16:23 10:45:22:04 10:45:22:14 10:45:26:01 10:45:26:11 10:45:30:05 10:45:31:00 10:45:35:15 10:45:36:00 10:45:39:06 10:45:40:08 10:45:44:07 10:45:44:17 10:45:48:09 10:45:52:17 10:45:58:09

She's not in the mood to eat.

You want to eat this, too?

She's eating everything she gets.

Dirk loves the little ones.

He's in love with kids. It's normal for Dirk to play with little ones.

He lives like little ones.

What?

Dirk lives like little ones.

- I see. He lives like children.

Yes. - Children. - Like children.

Have fun, play. That's normal life.

Hi there. Everything cool?

Hey, that doc, what an idiot.

Honest, he's an idiot, isn't he?

The way he looked at me today.

I took less today. Maybe that's why I'm sweating like a pig.

But what should I do? I didn't get anything done on Friday.

The drug center is open on weekends, and who's on call this weekend?

Doc Siepe ... Mr. Cool.

- Why did you ...

Don't you get any methadone for Saturday and Sunday?

I gotta do something.

- Mom's coming tomorrow with Kaddi.

She can take you to Kamen.

Yeah, sure, Britta.

Why don't you use your brain?

Maybe I'll be knocked out by Monday, out of action. And it's no go.

You know how horrific that is?

It drives you nuts.

It's like going from five grams to zero.

It's a total killer!

The stuff doesn't really work, but withdrawal is ... absolutely terrific.

Where's my tobacco?

The withdrawal is one of the best.

There's nothing better.

So somebody's gonna check it out and call me after three.

18

0443 0444 0445 0446 0447 0448 0449 0450 0451 0452 0453 0454 0455 0456 0457 0458 0459 0460 0461 0462 0463 0464 0465 0466 0467 0468

10:46:07:01 10:46:10:15 10:46:11:00 10:46:12:00 10:46:22:09 10:46:25:02 10:46:25:12 10:46:26:12 10:46:28:06 10:46:30:19 10:46:54:03 10:46:57:19 10:46:58:06 10:46:59:14 10:47:01:13 10:47:06:01 10:47:06:11 10:47:11:05 10:47:11:15 10:47:14:14 10:47:14:24 10:47:17:12 10:47:19:21 10:47:23:16 10:47:24:01 10:47:28:14 10:47:28:24 10:47:31:10 10:47:31:20 10:47:34:12 10:47:40:20 10:47:45:07 10:47:45:17 10:47:47:20 10:47:50:13 10:47:55:04 10:47:56:13 10:48:01:15 10:48:02:00 10:48:04:10 10:48:04:20 10:48:10:12 10:48:12:15 10:48:15:23 10:48:16:08 10:48:21:22 10:48:22:07 10:48:26:21 10:48:27:06 10:48:31:19 10:48:32:04 10:48:36:07

I brought you something.

- What? - Laundry.

Asshole!

What did you take this morning?

Pills.

The ones that don't get you addicted?

If I had a daughter, I'd want one like Kaddi.

I'd be proud of her.

A son wouldn't be bad either, but someone like Kaddi ... wouldn't be a bad idea.

- Being an uncle isn't bad either.

"Not bad"?

- Being an uncle is cool.

Yeah, you're right.

An uncle in Africa is just like a father.

Uncle and father are the same.

One makes the kid, the other babysits.

Number 16 coming.

- 13.

That's Number 13!

- Where does it go?

When you think about last year ...

You mean: If I think at all?

Sleep ... And when I think about the last few years?

They were fucked up.

Really fucked up.

I really fucked up.

I fucked up my own freedom, my independence.

I fucked it up. That I had a relapse has to do with the fact that I lost my driver's license, that I didn't drive back to Kamen very often, that I was in Dortmund a lot in the flat and all those guys from Dortmund came to me, and they were all on drugs.

19

0469 0470 0471 0472 0473 0474 0475 0476 0477 0478 0479 0480 0481 0482 0483 0484 0485 0486 0487 0488 0489 0490 0491 0492 0493 0494

10:48:36:17 10:48:41:12 10:48:42:05 10:48:48:04 10:48:48:23 10:48:51:04 10:48:53:13 10:48:57:04 10:48:57:14 10:49:01:11 10:49:01:21 10:49:07:04 10:49:07:14 10:49:10:07 10:49:10:17 10:49:14:09 10:49:14:19 10:49:17:23 10:49:18:08 10:49:23:10 10:49:24:04 10:49:27:15 10:49:29:22 10:49:34:13 10:49:34:23 10:49:38:20 10:49:39:05 10:49:42:24 10:49:43:09 10:49:47:20 10:49:48:16 10:49:51:23 10:49:52:08 10:49:55:24 10:49:56:09 10:50:00:07 10:50:00:17 10:50:05:13 10:50:13:24 10:50:17:05 10:50:18:22 10:50:20:21 10:50:21:06 10:50:25:10 10:50:26:19 10:50:30:20 10:50:31:05 10:50:33:06 10:50:34:17 10:50:37:07 10:50:37:17 10:50:40:03

Or the guys from Kamen who were in Dortmund.

And I couldn't ride my motorcycle which was my coolest drug.

And that somehow ... had a lot to do with it, but who knows what would've happened, if that hadn't happened, but losing my driver's license ...

How stupid! He put seven Medinox in a bottle of sparkling wine.

It's a barbiturate.

How can he put in seven pills?

I asked him how many, and he said, "Seven pills."

It's clear that I'd fall asleep in the car. That's normal.

Seven pills! If you aren't used to it you'd be dead, you know.

What? What?

What do you have in your pants?

Don't fall down. Stand up.

Let Daddy go out.

Uncle Dirk is staying here.

Go to Dirk. - How does Kaddi know that you're leaving?

She senses it. She smells it.

She's getting her jacket now.

She's not stupid at all.

How could she be?

She takes after you.

She should be a slowpoke.

She must have inherited it from you, or she learned how to talk a lot without thinking.

It's warm outside. No problem.

Now everything's fine, right?

Is one shoe enough?

What do you think?

He didn't even say goodbye.

- Sure. Didn't you see it? Right away.

It's a matter of seconds.

She didn't even notice.

And now she's forgotten it.

Get away from the fridge.

20

0495 0496 0497 0498 0499 0500 0501 0502 0503 0504 0505 0506 0507 0508 0509 0510 0511 0512 0513 0514 0515 0516 0517 0518 0519 0520

10:51:13:07 10:51:16:14 10:51:16:24 10:51:19:08 10:51:20:02 10:51:22:17 10:51:23:02 10:51:27:09 10:51:27:19 10:51:30:24 10:51:32:06 10:51:34:22 10:51:35:19 10:51:39:07 10:51:39:17 10:51:40:17 10:51:45:17 10:51:47:02 10:51:48:20 10:51:50:23 10:51:51:17 10:51:54:05 10:51:55:01 10:51:57:07 10:52:08:11 10:52:09:24 10:52:10:09 10:52:12:05 10:52:12:15 10:52:14:18 10:52:15:21 10:52:18:00 10:52:18:10 10:52:23:13 10:52:24:13 10:52:26:20 10:52:27:05 10:52:31:12 10:52:31:22 10:52:35:23 10:52:36:08 10:52:37:22 10:52:38:07 10:52:42:18 10:52:43:03 10:52:46:18 10:52:47:03 10:52:48:21 10:52:50:08 10:52:51:23 10:52:55:01 10:52:58:02

Which of us is stronger?

- Me. Why? - 'cause I'm bigger. 'cause I'm bigger.

- Than what?

Than what?

Because I'm bigger and stronger.

Can you do this to me? Can you?

Do it. Think you can?

No. - Can you do it to me?

- No. - Then I'm stronger.

Do it again!

I'm not gonna hurt Kaddi.

Hey, that's loud!

Don't bark. That's too loud for me.

Tequila, get down from here!

It's okay.

Don't even try to get on the couch.

Please! - No! - Please! - No! Your niece is asking you.

- I'm not going to Kamen.

Be a man. - What's it got to do with it?

Drive to Kamen and you're a hero.

Kamen ... wow!

- You're going with us.

Okay, we can ...

Hey, I don't feel like it today.

I have no desire to hang around there.

In that case, I'll go back home.

I don't feel like ...

- Go lie on the bridge.

It has nothing to do ... - Please!

- No, I'm not going to Kamen.

It is totally ...

What a bunch of bullshit!

That's a bunch of shit.

I gotta smoke.

Can you open the window when I smoke because of Kaddi?

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Otherwise it'll be too cold for Kaddi, don't you think?

She's wearing a cap and scarf.

- Because of the cigarette.

Then throw it out the window.

I'm not gonna throw it away.

I just don't want the car full of smoke.

What's that grinding sound?

- Shut up!

I told you that four people are too many, but no!

Let's forget it. Yeah, okay.

Here's the cigarette. Put it out.

- Come here ...

Everybody else to unbuckle.

That's really mean.

Dirk has to hurry to see the doctor.

That's why.

We have to hurry.

It tastes great!

After 300 metha...

I can't even speak right.

Sometimes they ask me, "Were you even here yesterday?"

I should say no, 'cause it's 20 marks every time I go.

But the doc's okay.

There's no need to fuck him over.

He didn't even ask me for the cash.

So I still have a methadone debt.

When I told him that last time they didn't even ask for cash, he just smiled and said "300".

I have to pay 230 for two weeks.

It wasn't quite two weeks.

I took 28 pills, and that makes 230 marks.

And the fucking problem is that I need 60 pills a month.

Pretty expensive. And that's just the pills not including the doctor.

He gets money, too?

- He gets 10 marks every time I come.

For himself.

That makes another 300 marks.

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With other doctors it would be like that.

He does it out of social commitment?

He doesn't want to be a dealer in a white coat.

He thinks the legal situation is fucked up.

Happy Birthday, Grandma.

Happy Birthday, dear Grandma, Happy Birthday to you.

Angaleta is now 60 years old ...

There's no age limit for her.

I don't believe it!

Leave my wife alone.

- I won't hurt her.

I don't want to fight with him anymore.

- You started it.

Yes, but ...

- She hit me in the pancreas.

No, no, no!

Give him the 30-kilo weights.

Let's see if he can still lift them.

He can't do it.

- Or that thing you bend.

Together with Salif, but he doesn't have it in him either.

You still got it in you? Arm wrestling?

It's dark outside!

- You'll know it when you lose!

Come on. No problem.

- Now get in line.

Step on it! Step on it!

You're putting all your weight in it.

But I'm not letting go!

No, I'm not gonna fuck up!

What you did is cheating.

You put your whole body into it.

Hey, man.

- You did it, too.

How? I did at first, but then I stopped.

- Try to use leverage.

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Damn it!

Not much can happen.

They stitched it tight.

They stitched it?

It's normal. They always do it.

I didn't pull it out.

It's stitched tight.

Yeah, I can take it along.

But why toothpaste?

You wanted toothpaste.

- I never said so.

Know what? Don't call me.

I won't bring you anything from now on.

When I tell you something ...

Why did I ask you for a toothbrush?

Because mine is worn out.

Because mine is so worn out.

You told me to bring a toothbrush, and I did. - But I told you not to bring a cheap one.

- Is that my fault?

Did I say so?

- You're acting like it.

Don't get all huffy about it.

Leave it here. The cheap ones just don't get rid of dental plaque.

She's all huffy now.

- You really got on her back.

Sure, but ...

- Be considerate.

Yeah, but it's always ...

Like with the cigarettes.

You know I don't like lights, and you brought me lights.

I don't smoke, so I have no idea.

Sure, that's what they gave me.

Bye. I told him, "Take a taxi."

He said, "My dryer needs 30 minutes."

"Sure, your dryer.

Make sure you get the train at 5:55."

But he didn't catch it.

He's coming in half an hour.

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I'm gonna tell him off.

If he had to catch a plane, and he had to go to the airport in D端sseldorf at 4:55, he can't just say, "I gotta buy a present for Kaddi."

Yesterday I had the problem that I had to pay the doctor.

But he wasn't willing to give me the syrup. So I was glad that I got money in the evening, so I could rush to the doctor's and pay him, so I got the stuff for the next few days.

I'm still a self-pay patient. I'm not in the program yet which is crap.

It's your problem.

- Others get it paid for.

You were down to 30 six weeks ago ...

And you said, in two weeks you don't need it anymore.

And now you're up to 80 again.

- 80?

80 mg a day.

Six weeks ago he was at 30 mg.

I can get it out. I got it filed.

Sure thing.

Want me to get it?

- You bet!

What do you think?

I'm exhausted. I just wanna sleep.

Since 18 November you don't need it anymore, you said on 24 October.

I thought so ...

- "I thought so!"

Sure, I can explain it.

- Since 9 November, 2003, Dirk clean.

How shitty do you think I feel?

I'm throwing away all my money on it.

Look at it this way. People you owe money to aren't getting it.

If my tenant doesn't pay his rent ...

It doesn't matter.

Normally I'd get it from health insurance. Others do.

I never got it, 'cause I don't have hepatitis C or HIV. 25

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You wanna cut your wrists?

- If I'd gone to jail I'd have gone from 80 mg down to zero, because I'm not in any medical program.

There's no way you can do that.

It totally wrecks you.

You're creating your own hassle.

I can't make any plans.

I don't know what'll happen, if I get the apartment and can join the medical program.

I have to wait and see.

At least I'm glad I registered with the doctor, so if I go to jail, they'll get me through withdrawal in two or three weeks.

Otherwise they'd take me from 80 mg to zero, 'cause they don't believe me.

And then I'd be fucked up.

Then I'd cut my wrists.

You were down to 30 mg.

- Don't keep telling me that!

Now you're back up to 80.

Something's wrong. - Yes, but ...

When you reach that point ...

- I did. - You said "in two weeks".

I got ... I went into withdrawal.

And I took some coke for a short period with somebody else.

And to come back down you dose up the other stuff.

And I thought, "It's not so bad.

You'll get down to 30 quickly."

I can't really stand that stuff.

It really makes you sweat.

Look how I was sweating when I was in a rush.

Grandpa took Dirk with him.

Today?

What did he do?

What do you think?

Is he running around in the street?

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He's taking him to Grandma.

Does Grandma want him?

Not in my room.

Oh yes. Where else?

No! Then I can't use my room again!

He won't stay long.

We'll have to redecorate again.

We have to clean everything up before I go back.

Maybe he'll just stay for two days.

He is your uncle.

- I know, but still ...

I said to Dirk, "It isn't normal.

Your clothes are all bloody.

And the needles lying around ...

You say they belong to others?

I don't believe you."

"Yeah, he used the needle, and so his mother can't find it ..."

And when we started cleaning up the wardrobe, Sascha said, "Be careful with the needles.

You never know who used them."

That's what he said. And Gerd said, "Hold open the sack," and he took the drawers and dumped out everything.

In the black wardrobe there was a bloody needle.

"I don't want to talk about it."

That's what Sascha said.

"But ..." - Everybody's talking about someone else. - Exactly.

You're allowed to find them, but not the other mothers.

- Not the other mothers.

They aren't his. I was once with Kaddi in Dortmund.

We were sitting on the couch ...

You know his apartment.

And Dirk ...

- You told me.

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And Kaddi said, "Grandma, look at that."

There was like a toothbrush mug full of syringes.

He was showering then.

And I said, "What's this?"

"Were you snooping around?" he asked.

"No I wasn't," I said.

Kaddi said, "Look at that, Grandma."

"They're not mine.

You mean these big syringes?

I fill them with methadone I get from the bottles."

What should I say when he tells me that?

Check if they still have needles.

I'd go crazy if he told me that.

Listen, I'll read this to you.

It says he wanted to manage things with the employment agency on Friday: "My anger came to a boil.

I picked up his clothes and papers and put them in the shed.

When he returned, I fried two pieces of cordon bleu.

Then we put everything in the Corsa and drove to Kamen.

Dirk put everything in the basement.

I told him to sleep in Kamen because of the employment agency.

He refused and rode back with me.

He made me drop him off at a bar.

In his jacket I found two syringes with cotton swabs.

I can't stand Dirk. I'm very nervous and didn't sleep a wink.

I tremble when I see him and yell at him although I don't want to."

I was a wreck, Britta.

- You screamed all the time.

Whenever I said something ... he said, "What's your problem?"

It was too much for me.

"I can't go on like this.

It was a mistake to take him in.

Dirk doesn't respect anything.

He smokes 28

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Russian cigarettes in the basement.

His bed was burned again."

Off to bed.

- Good night.

Come on, dear.

I always slip here, because it's so cold.

And now you have slippers on.

They're nice and warm.

- Yes. They're slipping off.

- Look ...

Is everything peachy keen?

Bye-bye.

Turn off the light. It's still on.

Terrific, Britta.

Terrific. Terrific.

Great. You're doing ...

Dad, you must have noticed.

I got along great with you.

I could really talk to you.

I got along with you.

But if you get Dirk in the shit, I won't ever forgive you.

You were aware of that back then.

I have no problems with you.

Think twice when it's about Dirk.

You can mess with me but with Dirk ... I go nuts when it's about others.

You know how Mom is suffering tonight?

You know how messed up she is?

Even if you don't care ... you dropped Dirk off with a beer.

With a beer!

And she was just glad that he hadn't drunk any alcohol for a month.

And you take him to a bar, drink, chew the fat and drop him off at Mom's.

I think that's so ...

No, I think ...

You don't understand.

You just don't understand.

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I didn't want to have any more talks like this with you.

I wanted to accept what you do and not get upset about it.

But he's your son, and he's addicted to drugs.

And you have to be careful.

You have to think about what you do.

It doesn't matter with me or yourself, but be careful with Dirk, because: Do you want him to die before you do?

Then do something ...

Yeah, sure.

Let me say this, if your son dies before you do or I do ...

You didn't do that much good ... you didn't do the right stuff.

I'm not saying you're to blame, but you have to think!

You always say that.

But it isn't the time.

I never said ...

I mean that very first talk we had, that the three of us had together ...

I haven't forgotten it.

At the drug counselor's 15 years ago or 13 ...

It was '94, '93, '92 ... '93.

Exactly ... 2004. 11 years ago. Right?

'93.

Nothing has changed since then. Nothing.

The same with us.

We were all inexperienced, but we never stuck together.

We always passed it on to one another.

I'm here now.

Want to go in the living room?

- Please.

Because we're talking about Dirk.

- No, I need tape.

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It's in the living room.

He isn't gonna make it.

- He told me, "I never saw you work."

Now you can work.

You think it bothers me?

On 31 May, '05 I paid 80 euros for him.

Talked to Dirk on the phone on 10 December that he was going to Telgte to detox on 13 December.

Then I couldn't reach him.

- On the 23rd. - On the 13th.

He was supposed to be in Telgte?

I didn't call the Ostenberg Therapy Center.

I called the Westf채lischer Hof, and they said it wasn't rehab.

It can be a normal hospital.

- Yeah, I wasn't aware.

I called up Marienhospital.

It's a hospital.

I asked about detox ...

No, about Dirk Petzold.

He must have been there for quite a while.

He must have been admitted on the 22nd.

When did he call and ask you to drive him to Telgte?

That was during the call when we talked to each other.

When did I talk to Dirk?

Then I called on 11, 12 and 13 December, but no answer.

I talked to him on 10 December, and he asked me to drive him.

I left it open.

But he said he was vomiting and coughing, so he must've gone to the hospital.

You should have driven him.

Christmas would've been more peaceful.

Yeah ...

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I didn't even know that your mother was gone.

I normally would have driven him to Castrop-Rauxel or whatever.

When are you going to your mother's?

At three?

Okay, but if he isn't there anyway ...

I thought, maybe he knew the doctor ...

Then we could've called the doctor.

Dad talked to him already, because we figured you had a key.

I'm not absolutely certain.

The tape started, and I thought I heard "hospital" and then the tape started.

But a "hospital" is for poor people.

It's for poor people.

And that fits. He isn't rich.

He must have been lying there for quite a while.

This is the stove.

We'll take the keys, too.

Dirk died between December 10 and 27, 2005 The imaginary can be my demise but at the same time also MY WAY OF LIFE Subtitles: John Middleton Film und Video Untertitelung GmbH

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