PAUSE
THE TRUE CAUSE OF NIGHT TERRORS AND WHY WE SHOULD NO LONGER FEAR THEM
I
t has for centuries been thought that night terrors have some sort of meaning, from preparing you for horrifying events that may happen in the future or some other mystical meaning suggesting dreams may know more about your life than you. However, after a huge advancement in technology, stolen straight from Hank Pym, Wayne Szalinski and with some reverse engineering of Mario’s mushrooms, we have finally been able to get into our minds and find the true cause of these nightmares. Strangely it is nothing quite like any of us could have imagined. It turns out that these night terrors are caused by an anatomy-wide anti-effort movement named IFG, or Insomnia for Good. After a lengthy interviewing process with the IFG we have determined their goals and discussed their rather curious strategy to achieve them. They have asked us very kindly to lay them out here and assure us all that their intentions are purely for good, even if it sometimes appears otherwise. It would seem that all the IFG wish to achieve is for our work hours to reduce from a regular 9-5 day to a much more manageable 1-3 day, though they have stated 1-4 would be accepted but they ‘will not settle for so much as a minute longer.’ The argument certainly has a lot going for it, I know I, for one, would love to stay in bed until 12:30pm and finish at 3 and I’m sure many of you feel the same way. The question, of course, is how this movement is attempting to achieve their goals and the solutions they have come up with are quite dubious.
The IFG have taken to overriding our own pleasant dreams of daises or colourful days on the beach and such and mutilating them to create something far more grotesque, with the aim of the person waking up and being too tired to go to work the next day. Often a dream containing anything from a childhood phobia to a full blown murder scene or a ghost in your bedroom is the result of the IFG’s interference. Yes this does indeed mean that every nightmare you had of going into work having forgotten all of your clothes was in fact simply the IFG trying to stop you from going in in the first place. The IFG have, however, stated that any nightmares containing clowns have nothing to do with them and are an entirely different movement with the aim to eradicate clowns from existence. The IFG have made it very clear to us that they are in no way involved and do not condone these extremists’ actions. It turns out that the IFG have been breaking into our dreams for thousands of years but have had little to no luck. This is why they were delighted to see us when we arrived as we could finally get the word out to you all that all those bad dreams you may be having are for a good cause, their cause. They merely needed a platform to tell you, so we at Wessex Scene were happy to give them their much needed voice. The message from the IFG is clear, these night terrors are for your own good. Maybe you should listen to them every now and then and take a day off as the IFG have been making it quite apparent to us all for centuries that each of us could do with working less.
WORDS BY PHIL HOARE IMAGE BY ELFMOONDANCE VIA PIXABAY
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MENTAL HEALTH
