BACKPAGE The Phi farting conspiracy
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DEC
12
6
2012
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here is always something unique in the air as students begin to prepare for finals every December. No, I am not talking about the stress-induced pheromones or the sweet scent of Christmas cookies coming from Prentiss Hall. I am talking about a foul stench overwhelming the common smells of the season. The scent befouling the region commonly known as “the area between Jewett Hall and Olin Hall” has long been attributed to the Ginkgo tree, but field researchers for The Pioneer have found that its problem is far more complex than an endangered feces-producing tree. “What we have here,” said Jack Costow, a first-year who thinks he wants to go pre-med, “smells like poop.” Nine out of ten scientists agreed that the trees smelled like poop, while one thought it
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lack Student Union students are to host a new radio show on KWCW. The show, “Ratchet Radio,” will feature hip hop and rap music of a ratchet variety, an aspect of African American culture lacking on Whitman campus. Juniors MC Mariah and Alisha Aforward will host the radio show on Wednesdays at 1 a.m.,
smelled like a jar he found in the Tau Kappa Epsilon basement. The likeness between the smell and human waste is almost unanimously recognized, but the source was more difficult to find. After countless interviews (it was just one) and questionable interrogation tactics (waterboarding), Pio reporters finally coaxed a truthful answer out of a frightened Phi Delta Theta pledge. “Sometimes,” said the Phi pledge through gasps for fresh, nonpoopy or water-filled air, “when Bob’s food isn’t that good ... in the winter ... when vegetables are out of season ... I get an upset stomach.” Having captured the reporter’s attention with accusations that Phi’s chef Bob makes food that isn’t good, the pledge was untied and allowed to speak more freely.
“And when my stomach is upset, I-I-I get, you know ... farty and bloaty.” The story does not stop there, however. In addition to the sensations of bloatiness and fartiness, the student admitted to occasionally passing gas on his walk to class in the mornings. Further probing (a SurveyMonkey survey) unearthed the shocking news that the farty pledge was not alone in his flatulence. When pressed, every active Phi and Phi pledge admitted to the occasional toot on their way past Jewett 1-West. “It is kind of a habit,” said Phi president Finn Patricksen. “I guess you could call it a tradition.” Since the survey, a large number of Phi alumni have revealed that the traditions of farting between Olin and Jewett actually predate the Ginkgo tree.
“For years, it was a serious problem, but then someone planted a tree right in the epicenter, and, well, it just seemed natural to blame it on the tree. People were skeptical at first, but through persistence we were really able to make it stick.” For decades, it seems, Phis have been passing gas and blaming it on a poor, unsuspecting tree. The news has been shocking for some and devastating for others. It appears that the Ginkgo tree is on the receiving end of one of the greatest and most elaborate “blame games” in the history of flatulence. Following an article last week describing the drug commonly known as “jenkem,” first-years in 2-West spent hours collecting the Ginkgo fruit in attempts to create a more natural strain. Their attempts have been rendered fruitless, though
when they are tired of pretending that Whitman isn’t the whitest place on earth. “How long do I have to pretend that I like folk music?” said Aforward, the club’s president. For those unfamiliar with this subculture, Urban Dictionary defines “ratchetness” as “a celebration of Twitter beefs and twerking but a condemnation of swaglessness and bad weaves.” Ratchet Radio will feature hits from Waka Flocka Flame, 2 Chainz, Lil Wayne and other mainstream ratchet artists. The show is a part of BSU’s newest campaign, “Does my ratchetness scare you?”, an educational endeavor to enlighten Whitman students about hood cul-
ture, one of the disparities that exist between white students and students of color on campus. “My friends don’t get me. They didn’t know that I all I wanted for my birthday was a big booty hoe,” said a distressed Mariah. One concern is that the show will offend people of color on campus. Aforward and Mariah have already thought ahead. “There are not enough people of color to care,” Aforward said with a shrug. “Plus, people of color don’t listen to KWCW anyway because they only play, like, banjo music. They’ll be hyped.”
The idea for a ratchet radio show came up in a club meeting when someone noted the amount of times Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” was played at frat parties. “Dis campus is boring AF. We finna tear this shit up #OnSomeReal,” said the official BSU minutes, which must be written in Ebonics and hashtags, according to BSU bylaws. Big Daddy Bridges, aka Dha Boss, a rumored guest on the Ratchet Radio, approves of the show. “Ratchet Radio is dope. Fuck what y’all jive turkey haters gotta say,” he said. With so much hype around
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they now have jars filled with useless fruit. The area is now barren and it is evident that the smell is not being produced by some magic farting tree, replacing the common saying “He who smelt it, dealt it” with a more succinct “Phi Delted it.”
BSU hosts “Ratchet” radio show
This article was contributed by Gladys Gitau
>>CreeplesearchTM
People Search to be converted to social networking site
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Dubblebaby by Toby & Sam Alden
Ratchet Radio, some Whitties who are less acquainted with “#thatratchetlife” want in. First-year Alison Price, who is from a rural Washington town near Canada, is curious but cautious about the inclusiveness of the new show. “Can white people be ratchet, too?” Price asked Aforward. Mariah answered her with little reservation and a lot of sass. “Girl, with the right amount of alcohol, anyone can be ratchet.”
undreds, if not thousands, of Whitman students were either appalled or elated at the news that Whitman’s People Search is becoming a social networking site. As soon as students click on the new banner (and are asked to sign a lengthy Terms of Agreement contract), users are whisked away to a page giving a list of “People you might know.” From this list, students can pick to add friends or block friends. If you choose to block someone, a pre-generated passive-aggressive message is sent to the blocked person telling them that you don’t want to be friends. M.C. Bo, spokesman of the site and transfer student from South China, commented on the block function by explaining, “Students here are busy. We know people don’t really want to talk to each other; they just do it to collect friends and gain gossip. We just took out the step where you have to actually interact, while still maintaining the same interactions you know and love.”
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Other features include the ability to add professors, as well as the virtual library option that allows students to use each other’s webcams and study together, even if they don’t want to. “It’s just like real life here,” said Bo. Other functionality along these lines includes a “look from across the library” option that allows you to access cameras across the library and look at that special someone before you can choose to “study with them.” Whitman’s new CreeplesearchTM board is still maintaining that having someone’s home address, phone number, school picture and campus address simply “allows students the experience of an ever-globalizing world.” Recall that Facebook started off in a similar fashion. Whitman’s social network will allow millions— if not billions—of people access to each other’s personal information. But, as CreeplesearchTM president Zac Porker explicates, “If everything is public and nothing is private, then what does private even
mean? We’re trying to eliminate the public/private binary just as we did with the gender binary.” Beta testers—coincidentally, all of whom are Phis—say their favorite feature is the chat, which allows students the ability to interact in the fashion that Bo explained. “It’s cool, it edits out all the words that Whitman students think are bad. I don’t like homophobia or racism, and now the system shoots back a reply to the offender simply stating ‘Not here, dude. Not here.’ I love how sensitive we’re being to people’s feelings,” said one tester. In the coming semester, all students will be forced to have their people searches changed to CreeplesearchTM. Projections show that soon, with no more need for the library, the building’s third and fourth floors will be replaced with a server room, while the lower floors will be converted into CreeplesearchTM headquarters. Just as Facebook put Harvard on the map, Whitman expects CreeplesearchTM to do exactly the same.
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