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APR
11 2013
Kappas have Sixth Mother Nature loves to
‘Bikini’ Sense
torture Whitman students in
S
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ILLUSTRATION BY EMORY
t’s the first sunny day of spring, about 75 degrees, a little after four in the afternoon, and Ankney is populated. There is soccer, ultimate, slack-lining, an abundance of guitars and lines of Kappas in bikinis on towels. The Prentiss lawn is crowded, too. They were the first ones out. There are already pictures on Instagram. Kappas are more dependable than Punxsutawney Phil at predicting spring and favorable weather. While Phil sports a measly 39 percent accuracy rate, Kappas hold an accuracy rate upwards of 85 percent. Does it all come with that special key? I had to know. I worried I might uncover a sorority secret, or simply offend Kappas with my kooky theory comparing them to rodents. But, the correlation was too strong to ignore, and I proceeded to interview Kappas about their ability. “I get up in the morning and just know to grab my bikini so I can wear it later,” said Kappa sophomore Lorraine Plotlady. Is weather prediction an innate ability where Kappas “just” know? Did they learn it, is it a requirement, or is it all a hoax or a coincidence? Besides Plotlady, many other Kappas say they just get “the tingling to tan.” I inquired about what happens with waking up before sunrise, and some Kappas say they are still capable of feeling “it” before sunrise. First-year Camille Tabasko believes she developed the sense: “Everything clicked when I initiated; my sensitivity towards weather increased dramatically,” said
Tabasko. Other Kappas want to be sure they aren’t seen in the wrong light. “I don’t wake up, look for my shadow and decide how the weather will be like that. You can’t compare us to groundhogs. I’m a student, not a weather-predicting marmot,” said junior Mia Dove. I explored science to discover if it was something the Kappas ate. Preliminary research has proven that cottage cheese and quinoa do not improve meteorological skills. Another theory was that time spent in Prentiss Hall, with the adjustable thermostats, increases temperature awareness because of ability to control the room temperature. But then, everyone in Prentiss should have the gift. Perhaps it is all the key, that just like Benjamin Franklin’s key on a kite in a thunderstorm, the keys all around Kappa section help Kappas get the best weather readings. A true conspiracy theory. Rumors circulate that some Alpha Phi also have this sixth “bikini” sense. DGs say they go outside or check a weekly weather report online if they want to know the weather. Thetas say that if they just all keep their swimsuits on, eventually they will be ready, maybe even first out on a good day. But most likely, I discovered that the Kappas’ “sense” comes from their aptitude with communication: “Well, if it seems like a really nice day, we just send an email out on the Kappa listserv with where and when we are sunbathing,” said Sophomore Sierra Funklelady. Case closed, for now.
April Wordsearch
pring has sprung! The grass has rizz! I wonder where all them Whitties is? Oh, that’s right, they’re all inside and going crazy because Walla Walla springtime weather is so goddamn fickle! The consequence of the constantly unpredictable spring weather is that it slowly drives students to a state of insanity. Springtime at many other colleges means sun’s-out-gunsout and sundresses, but at Whitman it means confused, befuddled students walking around wearing raincoats and flip-flops, or bro tanks with boots. The puzzled Whitman students are only a reflection of the erratic, capricious weather that seems to always plague the campus at this time of year. For the love of God, make up your mind, Mother Nature! The unsettling part is that even when weather is nice and warm and sunny at this time of the semester, it still spells disaster. Either you feel shitty because you’re outside enjoying the weather and constantly worrying about homework you put off, or you feel shitty because you lied to classmates/your boss about being “sick” and unable to go to a group project or go to work as you tan in the sun, or you feel shitty because you are stuck in-
doors working all day as your friends lounge about in the sunshine. These pent-up effects can be devastating to students’ concentration, and, in worst-case scenarios, can lead to dangerous and spontaneous forms of “fuck it” moments that happen in times such as being in an adviser’s meeting, where you abruptly interrupt him by tipping back in your chair and somersaulting out of his office. Other “fuck it” moments include cannonballing from the third floor of the library into the hanging canoe, and dropping chem textbooks from the top staircase of the Science Building onto unsuspecting professors. Needless to say, the weather is to blame, and until Mother Nature mans up and grows a pair of balls, one can continue to expect to see Whitman students to act in perverse and inexplicable ways during springtime. ILLUSTRATION BY RAIBLE
White male grateful
for Power and Privilege Symposium by ben harris Guest Columnist
T
wo weeks after the Power and Privilege Symposium, Michael Anderson is still talking about race. A firstyear upper-middle-class white student from Portland, Michael is thrilled to have had the two-day lecture series confronting the issues of power and privilege. “I wasn’t sure at first if I’d have enough time to even attend a workshop, but then I realized I could probably watch the finale of ‘Girls’ on HBO Go anytime,” he said. “I think the greater point of the symposium was evident: Talking about race only makes the problem more visible.” Michael mentioned a few instances in which he either left conversations about race or tried to change the subject. His primary struggle regarding the topic of race? White guilt. “A lot of people don’t really get how hard it is to be white.” Since his race became salient to him—at about age 10— Michael has struggled dai-
ly with what it means to be white. “I get so sad realizing many of the things I take for granted as rights are actually privileges. Because not everybody who should have those rights actually has them ... I try not to think about it that much.” At this point in the interview, Michael began to weep white tears. “I struggle every day with the fact that I, as a white person, benefit from that discrimination; I, for no reason other than the color of my skin, have a lifelong advantage at the expense of others.” When asked what helps to ease the pain of white guilt, Michael said, “I try not to think about it. The more I can ignore the problem, the more I feel like it will go away.” The Whitman community has really helped Michael to ignore the difficult aspects of racial diversity. “It’s just so white here,” he said. “Everyone goes skiing and rock climbing, people are either vegetarian or vegan and everyone listens to artists like Mumford & Sons and Bon Iver. All my friends are from Boulder, Palo Alto or Bellevue. Whitman is even on
the white side of town. I don’t feel like I have to hide who I am here— I can just be myself.” He added that the main factor in choosing Whitman over BYU was the added middle-class whiteness of a liberal arts philosophy and general antagonism towards organized religion. But despite all this, sometimes racial salience is still an issue for Michael. “In my psychology class, I always feel like the one Asian girl from Seattle is looking at me since almost all psychology studies have been done on young white people. I just wish she’d realize that it’s not me they’re talking about. I don’t like feeling like I represent my race. It’s not a comfortable feeling.” After checking his iPhone 5, Michael suddenly left, saying he had to go play beer pong instead of going to do his gender studies homework. “I’m only taking it because I had a terrible registration time and my adviser said I needed distribution credit,” he clarified. “Trust me, I’m doing my best to ignore diversity, power and privilege so that problems like white guilt go away.”
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