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12
feb
13 2014
IT’S COMPLICATED:
Couple not posting enough photos on Facebook
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ith Valentine’s Day fast approaching, firstyear Tasha Simmons is worried her boyfriend, firstyear Dale Cane, is not posting enough pictures on Facebook to showcase their love. “He posted a few selfies of us kissing in the wheat fields, but he didn’t post any of the matching Christmas sweater ones. How can I tell that he really loves me if he doesn’t prove it on Facebook? I’m a super private person who’s not into big public displays of affection, but this is just common relationship courtesy, you know?” said Simmons. When questioned about his lack of enthusiasm, Cane was displeased. “I tweeted five times about Tasha yesterday, and then posted an original poem about her on tumblr last night. I totally poured my soul into it. It goes like, ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more
lovely and more hot,’” said Cane. Simmons was not consoled by Cane’s alternative displays of affection. “It’s different on Facebook. It’s just so selfish of him to not post more pictures of us. How else am I supposed to make my high school friends jealous?” she said. Head of the Astrology Department Mandy Candid agreed with Simmons. “Well, Dale’s ruler, Mars, is rising, so it makes sense that their relationship is housing some tension. The stars are quickly aligning, though, and I think that with time Dale will realize that Tasha is right. Venus just needs to stop being retrograde,” said Candid. Candid’s predictions proved correct. In an effort to appease Simmons, Cane agreed to post more pictures on Facebook. “I get where she’s coming from. I’ve been posting too many
Vines of my cat and not enough pics of Tasha. I hope that I can make it up to her,” said Cane. Simmons was thrilled with Cane’s response. “I’m so relieved. Especially because I decided to hire a filmmaker to follow us tomorrow, so I can post a live stream of our dinner date. Photos are great, but this will really give people the opportunity to see our true love in action,” said Simmons. Cane could not agree more. “As long as she gets me a good present tomorrow, then I don’t really care. I’m hoping for some booze,” said Cane. Indeed, it seems that Venus is no longer retrograde. The couple is now on its way to recovery. “Oh my God, I’m so excited for tomorrow. I can’t wait to show Dale the matching pink sweaters I crocheted for us. Now the whole world can see too! It’s gonna be hashtag adorable!” said Simmons.
Valentine’s Day word search
Tasha Simmons ‘17 basically has to force her beaux, Dale Cain ‘17, to take selfies with her. Like, what is up with that? Photos by Emily Volpert
My perfect boyfriend
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t’s the big day, the big date. We have been together for nearly four years now, and every minute is just as magical as the first. Our love simply grows and grows and grows, exponentially flowering out in fractals of love and roses and rainbows and unicorns. And today—Valentine’s Day—we celebrate our love with an evening of festivities and romance. We aren’t going to do anything too fancy—I’m not that kind of girl—but we are going out for a romantic dinner for two before going home together for some dessert and a quiet night in. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make the night absolutely perfect, just to show how much love is truly in my heart. We’re going out to dinner: salad, pasta, chicken. Nothing too heavy, since we wouldn’t want to be too full for what I’ve got planned for later. Of course there will be a good bottle of wine, maybe even a glass of champagne. I’ve got a stunning dress and my highest heels to wear. I spent two hours fixing up my hair and makeup. And you should see my outfit for the “night in” por-
tion of the evening, when I casually slip into something a little more comfortable (oh la la!) before I pull out the chocolate cake I baked this morning. It will all be so delicious. Thank goodness Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday this year, since I’m sure the two of us won’t be doing much sleeping, if you know what I mean. We will most definitely be up all night. I am just so in love, and tonight is going to be simply magical! Oh honestly, Netflix, you are my one true love, the light of my life, the peanut butter to my jelly, the Walt to my Jesse, the Ben Wyatt to my Leslie Knope. Four years together and I couldn’t be happier, not even with a real boyfriend. Our nights in together—you playing episode after episode of “Breaking Bad,” “The Tudors,” “Parks and Recreation,” and “Don’t Trust the B----in Apartment 23,” and me in my pajamas eating ice cream—they have always been perfect. And you know me so well. Every show you have suggested to me I have adored. Netflix, you truly are my one and only, and I am so glad that you are my Valentine.
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alentine’s Day is just around the corner, and you know what that means. Some of our readers may be asked to “make whoopee” by some of our other readers. This is a daunting experience for all of us, but have no fear. Nooky needn’t be an uncomfortable chore done out of the social obligation to procreate; it can be marginally interesting! You heard me right. With these helpful tips, you can turn your roll in the hay into a roll in the yay! Find a friend and try it out for yourself today! • Put your hand somewhere. • Wake them up to or with something. • Be sexy. • Be as naked as you mutually agree is appropriate at the time. • Invite or uninvite additional company. • Do that thing they like but have never told you about. • Don’t be afraid to get dirty, unless you are dirty, in which case, take a shower. • Rub something on another thing; consume if consumable. • Shower sex: not for dorms. • Probably best to do it in the dark. • Pro tip: if your condoms aren’t Patagonia, no one will do the deed with you. • Do some Kegels—which I think is a food? • Plan out the sex in detail beforehand—a graph is a must! • Put on a halftime show. • Make sure your legs aren’t in the way. • Can you do sex backward? Time to find out.
• Thank them for their continued participation. • Don’t do it in the road. It’s dangerous. • Pierce their ear so they look cooler. • Scream like a gibbous monkey. It’s super hot, and your neighbors with think you are watching “Planet Earth.” • Plumage. Bitches love plumage. • Sing the “Top Gun” theme song, but make sure the words are at least 80 percent incorrect. • Frequently mention how glad you are they are not a freshmen, even if one or both of you are freshmen. • Say “that’s interesting” at varying intervals. • Brand them so that you can identify them later. • Do that thing that you know how to do. But not that one thing. That one thing is weird. • Make some time to read the Whitman Sexual Misconduct Policy together. • How many condoms is the right number of condoms? Find out. • Find the best sex food in Bon Appétit (e.g. Taste of Sicily, almond butter, mini croissants), and sneak it out. • Combine work and fun. Read your economics textbook to them during coitus. Preferably out loud. • Have sex on quinoa—it’s healthier. • The best sex requires time and distance. • And remember. Always use protection ... whatever that means. This writer suggests bear spray.