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APR
10 2014
Best destinations in Walla Walla: An insider’s guide to living sweet G
osh, isn’t it terrible when you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, but you can’t hit the city? Fortunately, you have something even better right at your fingertips: the unconventionally hip, endlessly happening town of Walla Walla. Once again, USA Today has named Walla Walla one of the best destinations in America, and we could not agree more. Where else can you find overpriced restaurants, overpriced boutiques, overpriced wineries and overpriced bakeries all sandwiched into one place? Nowhere. Navigating this vastly cosmopolitan landscape can be a little overwhelming. Don’t worry though, for we have prepared an expert guide to all of the hottest places in town. 1) The Wheat Fields Is Ankeny Field not enough for you? Are you just dying to hang out among some taller blades of grass? Well, look no further than Walla Walla’s premier wheat fields. If you’re missing the city life, the murky smog of pesticides will make you feel right at home when you rest among these patches of dirt and blonde-colored plants.
3) Church We have a lot of those here. Everyone knows that the best place to spend your Sunday hangover is among stained glass and Holy Scripture. Plus, you can atone for your sins from the previous
night—that is, if you remember them.
conveniently open every other Tuesday from 1 - 3 a.m.
4) Antique Shops Whenever you have a free moment, we suggest hitting up the local antique shops. The best one is located on Boyer Avenue, directly across from the GAC. It is
5) Cold Poop The sister store of Walla Walla’s beloved Hot Poop record store, Cold Poop is a thriving ice cream parlor located just North of Boyer Avenue. Serving up its famous
chocolate soft serve in pristine porcelain bowls, Cold Poop is one of the most popular hangouts for the youth. 6) Library Strip Club You probably haven’t heard of this unless you’ve been in the archives at 2 a.m. on the first Fri-
“Marky” Mark Whitman reveals real town origins N
ow ya’ll already know my name. I mean, I am pretty damn famous ‘round these parts, but ya’ll don’t know the half of it. I mean, seriously, I am one badass dude, and I am here to give you the full scoop. In case you’ve forgotten, I am Marky Mark Whitman. I was born in 1802 up in NYC, or near enough, so I know what’s what. One day I was out in my hot rod (it had four horsepower) and I spied myself a tight little Betty by the name of Cissa Prentiss. Well, we fell mad in love and got hitched up real good and fast. Well, me and Cissa, real in love, were smashing it up in the Big Apple for a number of years before the scene got tired, and we decided it was time to move on. I worked as a PR rep to the Cayuse peo-
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UNDERGRAD CONFERENCE: HIGHLIGHTS
U
ndergraduate Conference is unarguably the best day of the year. Every 15 minutes brings a different powerpoint theme and new things to learn! The only downside of the conference is not being able to attend every session, but below you’ll find some of this year’s highlights. Complicating Post-Postmodernity: Senior Noelle Quinn’s presentation on her thesis, which she had turned in the previous night, mostly had slides reading “I just ... ugh ... why?” Hip-Hop, Comics, Macklemore and Game of Thrones: This session was so packed I wasn’t able to see or hear anything, but I bet it was super awesomesauce. Radiologography of Endothermic Islet Cells: I mainly went to this one because it was my biology major friend’s presentation, and I didn’t understand a lick of it, but the rest of the audience did. They even asked questions. Pride, Prejudice & Smashing the Patriarchy: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must CHECK HIS PRIVILEGE.
Whitman Riddles I’m the perfect cure for your hangover. Though I’m a little hectic, brave the crowds. I’m worth the wait.
STUDENT DISCOUNTS:
ple for those good old Christian fellows like myself, and they transferred me to the western division. So me and some other cohorts, along with the little wifey, hitched up our wagons, headed west and played the Oregon Trail all the way there. I opened up our new PR “mission” headquarters in the west in a town that would become Walla Walla, Wash., all thanks to yours truly. Now we were livin’ the high life up in W2, adopting little orphans left and right and building a big ole’ happy family. The little missus worked as a teacher—she was real educated having a fine liberal arts degree in both physics and chemistry—while I myself got to doctoring all the traders and settlers in the area. I tell you, life was good until everyone ran into a spot o’ trouble with the measles... Anyways, maybe my plans required time and distance, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t know how to cut loose and enjoy the view in this gorgeous town.
day of any month. If the leather old-book smell and dust turn you on, then this is the place to be. Just remember to be courteous and keep the noise level down for those who are actually studying. (But what losers would actually be in the library at 2 a.m. on a Friday?)
People usually have a strong reaction when you mention me. For plenty of first-years, I’m a bonding experience, and when you look back, you realize I was pretty basic. If you talk to me, you ruin me. I’m a bit of an anomaly on campus, but I have some loyal (and very productive) followers. Once you visit me, you’ll keep coming back. I’ve inspired many a Halloween costume. Although I provide lots of variety, I’m pretty unique. You could even say I’m a little twisted, but you find me funny all the same.
(answers: brunch, Styx, Gen Chem, the quiet room, George Bridges’s bow ties)
2) Marijuana Dispensaries Speaking of grass, if you ever get bored (which you won’t because Walla Walla is too exciting), we suggest getting stoned. You can procure your supplies at any one of Walla Walla’s excellent dispensaries, a.k.a. every upperclassmen house.