awkward handholding
this SH** just got real!!
pg let’s just be friends
when is bill pullman’s next movie?
pg your mom
pg either 6 or 7
Iphone becomes self-aware pg 3G
WhitmanCollegeSuck
APRIL fool’s 2009 Volume CXXIV / Issue 7 Walla Walla, WAshington whitmansuck.com
Bridges announces dramatic tuition restructuring by Alma Mater Senior Reporter In a surprise move intended to further combat the economic downturn, President Bridges today announced that, starting this Fall 2009 semester, Whitman tuition will cost either $2.6 million dollars or one penny. “We realized that just cutting the ski team wasn’t going to fly,” admitted Bridges. “So the trustees came up with this slightly more aggressive plan to boost revenue. The reason tuition costs will vary student to student is that we wanted to preserve the rich socio-economic diversity on which Whitman prides itself.” According to Chief Financial Officer Peter Harvey, the new system has been implemented through a lottery, and results are totally random. “In the interests of fairness, new tuition rates will be ‘need blind.’ Students and their families have been asked not to submit any FAFSA or CSS PROFILE information this year, because frankly, we’re tired of hearing it,” he said. “Instead they’ve all been assigned one of the two new tuition options, and we’re
really going to be sticklers about making sure all payments are made in full.” Adding, “We have the letters all made out, and if you’re late sending in that check you WILL be politely reminded to do so. And no more free postage on those reply envelopes. Times are tough.” Many students have complained that the new system is unjust, irrational, and mathematically incorrect. A number of campus groups were especially vocal in expressing their dismay at the decision, yet most were soon forced out of the debate after cuts to the student activities budget forced them to disband. “I’m really miffed about the way the administration is handling this,” fumed firstyear Sarah Smith. “I come from a working class family and my mom’s a single parent. She’s been working three jobs just to come up with tuition, but you know, now that mine’s been increased to $2.6 million I just don’t see how we’re going to make it.” The Financial Aid Office declined to comment on tuition changes, citing exhaustion. Not all students have been adversely affected by the new system. After a dispropor-
tionate number of members had their tuition reduced to one cent, the Phi Delta Theta fraternity has announced its plans to officially buy back Marcus House from the college. Their charter was revoked in the 1980s after authorities discovered that the house was being used to harvest marijuana. “Now that we’ve got Marcus back, we’re doing the smart thing with it,” said a senior Phi, who asked not to be identified by name. “No more growing that cheap shit. We’re turning
the whole place into a meth den. And putting in waterslides. It’s going to be so sick.” A campus-wide forum on tuition changes will be held Friday, April 3 in the amphitheatre. Bridges encouraged all concerned students, staff, and faculty to attend, but noted that professors suspected of excessive out-ofclassroom involvement may be subject to further salary reductions: “That’s right, Bob Carson, we’re coming for you.”
Bon Appétit: A taste of paradise in your mouth by Tatum O’Douglas Reporter
In response to complaints about the absence of tropical fruit in its dining halls, Bon Appetit will feature a tropical fruit day to balance environmental consciousness with students’ demands. The day, aptly named A Taste of Paradise, will be Friday, April 3 during normal dinner hours in the Prentiss Dining Hall. “We wanted to emphasize bal-
ance,” said Bon Appétit food purchaser Ian McKeaton. “We went to the extreme in one direction, but we realize that we can have an occasional splurge and still be responsible stewards of the planet.” Bon Appétit stopped serving tropical fruit after last semester in order to reduce its carbon footprint. The tasting includes pineapple fried rice, a choice of chicken or tofu with mango chutney, and bananas foster. The salad bar will also feature fresh, cut-up chunks of pine-
apple, mango, and guava. Whole bananas will be available alongside the usual apples and pears. The normal selection of non-tropical dishes will also be available. Students are excited about the dinner. “It’ll be nice to have pineapple again,” said sophomore Cindy Brown. “It’s one of my favorite fruits. I even bought it at Safeway once, but it’s expensive there.” Others are already looking to make the fruit last.
“I’m going to take a bunch of bananas,” said first-year Nick Mellon. “If they’re not going to serve them everyday, I may as well stock up.” While the event is sure to be delicious, it is one meal only. “We might do this again if it’s popular,” said McKeaton, “but it would likely be once a semester or once a year.” That’s enough to give students the slightest taste of paradise.
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Whitman College suck
News
April fool’s 2009
An almost independent energy future: Mill Creek by Alan Greenspan Columnist In response to the current financial situation, the administration looked for alternatives to cut costs. One of the implemented propositions, based off an idea from a Corvallis, OR newspaper is to dam local Mill Creek. The energy provided would power either one classroom or a refrigerator. It would also be eligible for tax break incentives from the recent energy programs backed by the Obama administration. However, like the ski team cut, this proposition has met opposition from some students, many of whom are concerned about the flooding of Narnia. There is much history behind Narnia, and students are worried that the flooding would destroy the history and legacy of the place. The Narnia area was originally designed as a community gardens for the students and faculty of the college. However, due to student activity, landscape specialists fear the area runs the risk of complete destruction as a garden and instead created a sanctuary. Despite the controversy, the college has decided to move forward with the plan. “Narnia is a place where I like to relax, unwind from all of my academic stresses,” says first-year Natalie Miller. “If the college dams Mill Creek this place will be totally destroyed. It makes a lot of us upset, and we’ve got to take action. A group of us is picketing the President’s house later—you should come!” Those in favor of the move say that the benefits outweigh the risks. Damming the creek would save electricity costs. There is even talk that the savings might go towards the purchase of an extra pencil sharpener for the forth floor of the library. The long term savings and benefit excite the administration, since hydroelectric power is a
Inside the Suck Trapper Keepers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-2 Soapboxing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 The stuff you read.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4-5 Movies and music and stuff . . . . . . . . . . 6 Quidditch (it’s a metaphor) .. . . . . . . . . . . 7 Space filler. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
form of renewable energy and is a small step in alleviating the college’s depemdemce on fossil fuel based electrical energy. There will be a panel made to address the issues concerning the matter. If all things go according to plan, and the opposition does not gain too much ground construction is slated to begin in May 2009 and expected to be completed before students arrive. Even though other construction projects are put on hold given the current economic situation, the administration has decided to proceed with this project. It is expected that undisclosed savings over an undisclosed amount time will pay off the project. Overall the dam has its accompanying benefits and losses, but the energy production and cost savings seem to be the driving forces behind the intuitive. Students on the other hand seem to be angered by the flooding of their sanctuary. As first-year Stephen Reed summarizes both viewpoints, “I see why the college is building the dam to create energy for the college, yet at the same time I need to visit Narnia everyday to calm myself from college pressures and stresses—it is the only reason I am still sane...” Editor’s note: Narnia is now off-limits to students following the discovery of two students engaging in intercourse in a tree.
Pan/Pam returns, thirsts for blood by Eric Econ major and terrified for own life Hello? Whoever is reading this, my name is Eric, and I’m trapped inside the Mem clock tower. I don’t know if anyone else is left, and that fuzzy little bastard may have already taken down the WCTS network, so I have no idea if this email is getting out or not. iPhone, don’t fail me now. Today started out so normal. I was just walking to class with my latte (sugar-free, vanilla syrup). Still kind of tired from staying up writing that paper, so I didn’t see him coming out of my peripheral vision. Next thing I know, Lisa was down, screaming like hell, blood spurting from her face, and people were screaming and pointing. It
was...it was just awful. I guess some kind of primal survival instinct took over because I threw the latte and ran faster than I’ve ever gone in my life. I think I stepped on a first-year. I don’t know. It all went by so fast. I just remember climbing a fire escape and finding myself above it all. The blood...God...the blood... It’s quiet now. The sun is going down, but I still think I can catch a little dark shape circling around the building if I squint. Are raccoons good climbers? Shit, I hope not. I guess maybe I should try to catch a few hours of sleep. When sunrise comes I can see if there’s some safe way to escape and contact the authorities. If any of them are still left. Wait, what’s that sou...OH GOD, NO!! OH GOD HELP M
Hair found in Beirut cup “Dude!” shouts offended bro. “Hygiene is f***ing paramount in this house!”
op-ed
April fool’s 2009
Whitman College suck
3
Bored Editorial: You probably don’t care PIONEER BORED EDITORIAL by Sarah Hatheway and Evan Cartwright Humor Editors Evan: So what do you want to talk about? Sarah: Umm...what are the issues? E: I read something in the New Yorker last week about lacrosse. Man, that makes me sound really pretentious. It wasn’t my copy, it was just sitting out. So I read some of it. You know. Innocently. S: You poor baby, having the New Yorker attack you viciously like that and force you to read. I feel sympathy. E: I’m just trying to defend my personal integrity. Yes, maybe I read the New Yorker once, and let me reiterate that it wasn’t mine. But, you know, I’m down to earth. You should see my bank account. S: I’m not attacking your integrity, personal or otherwise. I’m merely commenting on your reading the New Yorker. And an article about lacrosse? Was there an issue related to lacrosse? Is it offensive in some way now? E: No, it’s just underappreciated, I guess. S: Huh. I thought it was the most rapidly
growing sport in America, or something. In popularity, that is, not literally. E: Yeah, but the deal is it’s not in the Olympics. That’s like the legitimacy litmus test. S: There are some weird sports in the Olympics. E: They should put slamball in the Olympics. Maybe it already is. S: They should put your face in the Olympics. E: Seriously? S: Oh, I’m sorry that I won. E: That victory was only slightly more noble than kicking a puppy. S: You know exactly how to hurt me. E: I’m sorry. S: I don’t believe you. E: I feel like this exchange could go on for a long time if we let it, so I’m going to change the subject and hope I don’t come across as too callous. S: I accept. E: What are hooves made out of? S: Glue that is not yet glue.
E: You sound like a Jedi. S: You sound like a nerd. E: EVERYONE knows what a Jedi is. S: But only nerds talk about it.
open letter to the president
Dear President Obama, My name is Becca and I am in fourth grade. I am almost the same age as your kids. I think we should be friends. Can I come to one of those sleepovers at the White House? I would bring a toothbrush. I am writing because I am so dissap disappointed and Mommy says to write it out when you’re feeling like that. You promised lots of things when you were campaigning but I think you have dropped the ball. You said that you would make everyone happy and safe and fix all of the problems in the world. Well my problem is that I don’t have a unicorn. Where is she? Mommy said you didn’t mean you would really make everyone’s dreams come true but you looked pretty serious to me. My unicorn is named Daisy and she is light pink and has sparkles in her mane. She is very nice
but doesn’t like to eat anything but Funfetti cupcakes and I am worried that your cook won’t make them right. She also won’t let anyone but me touch her because I am her princess. That’s the way it works. So she is lonely being away from me. Daddy is mad about the economic crisis and someone named Freddy but I’m sad about my unicorn. Please send her to the return address on the envelope. Sincerely, Becca G. P.S. Could you please also tell my brother Paul he smells. Thank you.
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Whitman College suck
Features
April fool’s 2009
Top 10 Hilarious In-Jokes Between Me and My Friends Garret and Juan 1. DAMMIT YOU GUYS, I WAS GOING TO EAT THAT!! And then how Garret just looked up and was like, Hwaa? And it was like, dripping down his face like he was some giant pie-eating baby? So good.
2. That part in the original Transformers movie? Where they’re fighting the Decepticons in the first scene and the black guy turns into a boombox and shoots tapes out of his chest? When we watched that the first time Juan just made this hilarious sound that I can’t even do. It was like Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaa! Completely unrelated to the movie, beeteedubs.
3. “Robin Hood and his Rap-a-thon”. Remember that girl who got really offended by that?
Local woman gives in to despair.
4. Garret said this hilarious thing this one time because all three of us and Joseph were standing in the parking lot of Albie’s and we’d been talking about Joseph’s girlfriend and Garret goes, At least this time she won’t try and kung-fu fight you. No, he was talking about his last girlfriend. It’s not important.
5. Uh-oh, here comes the old man again!. That’s this line from Beatsticks. It was this cop show from the seventies. We found a DVD of old episodes, and there’s this one with this teenager walking around with his friend and smoking a blunt and suddenly he goes, Uh-oh, here comes the old man again! Like that. It’s all about the voice though, you should definitely check it out. Yeah, it’s called Beatsticks.
6. Biggles McHonkoid (!)
7. Prepare for annihilation, LepraBot!! Do you read Dickbear? It’s this brilliant webcomic about this crazy meth head frog and a gay bear, and they live together in a trailer. It’s super funny, and that’s what that’s from, is there’s one strip with this thing called LepraBot, which is like a giant evil Leprachaun robot. He shoots razor sharp clovers and the meth head frog goes, Prepare for annihilation, LepraBot!! I can send you the link.
8. I just want a family! Juan blacked out last week and doesn’t remember anything but Joseph saw him at Karl’s house sitting on the floor and sobbing and saying that over and over. I just want a family! I just want a family! It’s like our catchphrase now.
9. I’m gonna come till I’m done! That was this line from some porn on Garret’s laptop called Cavern Divers 2. But how great is that to be able to just bust out randomly, right? It sounds super Dr. Seuss-y.
10. I‘ve no need for a member, I’ve my grandpappy’s blunderbuss! That’s also from Dickbear. It’s this strip where there are zombies attacking their trailer because the gay bear pissed them all off somehow. That’s what the frog says before he starts fighting. You should really read that, Juan and Garret and I fucking swear by that thing, man. It’s one of these comics that you can quote over and over and it stays funny forever, you know?
features
April fool’s 2009
Whitman College suck
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From the journal of Dr. Edgar Floppenheimer by Dr. Edgar Floppenheimer A scientist
Never have I seen the likes of this before. I am a scientist – a traveling journalist if you will. I record what I see – and never have I seen such inexplicable activities among our own species. “Whitties,” as Whitman College Students fondly refer to themselves, are highly flammable and explosive creatures. From my experiences within the site, I would say to use caution at all times when traveling within their midst and perhaps obtain protective head, chest, and back gear. Unfortunately, there seems to be no direct time when these students are less active. In the beginning, I thought perhaps in the morning, when most college campuses quiet down slightly, but I was wrong. I recorded five to ten female species running at a rate of 4 miles an hour, as well as one or two slightly older men running at a rate of 1.2 miles per hour. Additionally, I was stunned to be attacked from my hide-out in the bushes by several round, white hard objects that hit me with pin-point accuracy. When I ducked my head out from my coverage to view my attackers, I witnessed several unclean, unshaven “Whitties” smiling at me and holding out their hands for the object in return – it was a Frisbee. I believe the time was 6:35 a.m. Thus, I advocate that one avoids the campus in the morning hours, especially if one finds the morning conducive to deep meditation or yoga. What alarmed me the most about the morning observation were hoards of shadowy figures in the distance entering and exiting what appeared to be “Penrose Library.” Many were singing and they all appeared to be slightly intoxicated. The time was 7:00 a.m. After this early adventure, I thought perhaps
the best way to understand these creatures would be to see them in their more natural habitat. I obtained a plastic entrance card to one of the dorms in hopes of greater explanation and was horrified by what I witnessed. The air had a muggy, rotten smell and I cried out in surprise when my foot sank in the musty, moldiness of a brown carpet. I feared to enter the restrooms and instead turned into the nearest dorm room, which thankfully was completely empty. The time was 1:00 p.m. The dichotomy of the room was instantly apparent. On one side, the bed was made, the books on the book-shelf were vertically aligned, the papers on the desk were shuffled and organized sufficiently, and there was a neat stack of tea-boxes, video-games, and DVDs on the floor. The other side looked like a scientist’s worst nightmare – orange cracker-like substances were crushed at various intervals on the floor, there were no sheets on the bed, only a massive dirty sleeping-bag, beer-bottles were strewn across the desk, papers were ruffled and stuffed underneath the heater, and instead of books – there were boxes of matches and a strange green leafy substance… I was just about to reach toward the papers – when an angry roar bellowed behind me, and I witnessed the keeper of the crib… or at least I thought I had. It was an older man, dressed in grey, a janitor, and he took the green leaves from me, claiming that he had left them there by accident. I ran right out before someone could muster a “Holy Moses.” The time was 1:45 p.m. I had hours until my
HOROSCOPES ARIES: In these tough economic times, I bet you wish you had my job. It’s pretty easy. TAURUS: Oh. Oh God. This is awkward. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but...you know what, never mind. Good luck this week. GEMINI: It’s hard for me to read the stars accurately when images of those beer commercial twins are in my head.
CANCER: Someone close to you is probably going to speak in a really extended metaphor sometime this week. Just ride it out. LEO: Summer birthday, huh? Man, that must have sucked through grade school. Oh well. Go go Gryffindor! VIRGO: A virgin? Really?
next observation session – the classroom. So I decided to visit a nearby house that was inscribed with massive Greek-letters, thinking perhaps a visiting Greek professor lived there. I was surprised to find the door open and walked tentatively in. It was…nothing like I imagined. All the couches were aligned just so, the hard wood floors were well-swept, the air smelled of cinnamonbuns, and I believed I detected the soft jingle of Mozart in the background. I sank happily in one of the couches, when suddenly I discovered a
strange assemblage on a long table in the distance. There appeared to be cups – aligned in perfect pyramids, at either end of the table. Upon closer observation, there was a sticky amber substance
in each of the cups, and one contained a yellow, plastic ball… I was just about to inspect the fluid, when I heard loud voices and fled. The time was 2:17 P.M. Luckily for the classroom session, I had pre-arranged with a visiting professor to use his closet as a hide-out for a more honest observation of the students. I was surprised at the rate each of them scribbled in their notebooks as the professor spoke, while others seemed deeply concentrated at some silver objects in their hands, and giggled every time the object buzzed in their hands. I tried to get a closer look and took out my binoculars, but by then some of the students had actually raised their hands to speak – and when they spoke, it was… well…amazing. From my earlier observations, I half expected them to produce guttural or highpitched sounds, but the students were…actually quite articulate. The time was 4:00 p.m. However, eight hours later, my worst fears were realized. The day of the week was Thursday, and assuming most students – especially the articulate ones--had classes the next day, I thought I’d turn in and have my nightly cup of tea. Suddenly, a series of highpitched screams reverberated in the distance. Swarms of students immodestly dressed (women and men in nothing but their lingerie and boxer-shorts) were skipping, running, leaping, singing, crying, etc. etc. Scintillating, round objects flew across the sky and I almost leapt out of my bushes in shock. They were coming closer and closer and closer and before I could dodge it, one of the objects hit me – surprising me with its pinpoint accuracy, before the whole world dissolved into peaceful blackness. The time was 12:12 a.m.
LIBRA: So hey, can you hit me up with some legal advice? I have this hit-and-run charge that’s really been a pain in the ass lately.
CAPRICORN: You are aware that your sign is a sea-goat, right? Ouch. Still, you’ll probably get some money or something this week.
SCORPIO: You wanna go out sometime? I mean, no pressure or anything, just a dinner and a movie or something. Think it over.
AQUARIUS: Just because there’s a revival of Hair on Broadway doesn’t mean people want to see you naked.
SAGITTARIUS: Listen to the advice of a friend in the next couple of days. You will benefit from their wisdom.
PISCES: There is a one in twelve chance that your sign is the one I was too lazy to read this week.
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A&E
Whitman College suck
April fool’s 2009
Nicholas Cage predicts the end of own career HOLLYWOOD, CA. – Internationally recognized film star Nicholas Cage was spotted stumbling down Hollywood Boulevard late last night, according to eyewitnesses. The 45 year-old star of National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and the new Know1ng appeared distraught, slurring his words and accosting passersby. “I have a premonition!” he allegedly yelled, promising youth
gesticulating wildly with a half-empty fifth of Jack Daniels. “The numbers are warning us! I’ll never get another role! I’m fucked!” Cage proceeded to break the bottle against a passing Prius, shouting, “I’m the only one who can walk in both worlds!” His personal assistant reports that he was found asleep in a rhododendron early this morning.
another national treasure
coen brothers movie michael crichton adaptation national treasure
movie that sounds like a michael crichton adaptation
no career
by Sam Alden
April fool’s 2009
Sports
T H ROUGH T H EI R EY ES: by Gloria Lewis Sports Editor While Lebron, Kobe, and D-Wade make highlight reels for breaking records or hitting last shots, an overlooked few play a much more important role in the outcome of the game. These forgotten heroes cheer, encourage, slap hands and watch their way to playoffs, conference finals and NBA championships. They are the benchwarmers. The typical NBA benchwarmer is in charge of making sure each “game participant” (this is the politically correct term for BALL HOGS!) stays on task. “The harder I high five the game participants at the beginning of each timeout, the better they’ll play,” said benchwarmer Mark Madsen. “Some other benchwarmers like to slap their players on the butt, but I think this goes against our principles. As a group who earns our money sitting on our butts, how can we be so disrespectful to other people’s derriéres?” Madsen cheered the Los Angeles Lakers
Whitman College suck
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a bench-warmer’s perspective
to two straight NBA championships in 2001 and 2002, pushing the benchwarmer position to new heights with his hearty handshakes and celebratory dance moves. “A lot of people think that the key to that team was Kobe and Shaq scoring more points than anybody else, but the real reason the Lakers won was because Madsen set a new record for ‘make some noise’ arm pumps each year,” said former high school benchwarmer and current fantasy basketball team owner Pasty White. Still, the position often gets overlooked. One general manager, who wanted to remain anonymous, referred to benchwarmers as higher-paid cheerleaders, a characterization that infuriated Madsen and others. “We are NOT glorified cheerleaders!” said Madsen. “Can a cheerleader give game participants bro hugs? Can cheerleaders bump chests with a player who has just made a dunk or a three-pointer? In many ways we’re like teachers who give their students encouragement, although I admit that that analogy does not extend to the butt-slappers.”
The position even follows the general trend in basketball towards more international play. There are benchwarmers in leagues on every continent (except Antarctica, you can’t get penguins to cheer for anyone but themselves, selfish bastards). Utah Jazz Power Forward Carlos Boozer got a taste of international benchwarming when he played only 48 minutes through eight games at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. His well-worn warm-up sweats were sold on ebay for over a million dollars after the U.S. team took the gold medal. “When I was in China, I noticed the different ways each country congratulated their players when they’d come off the court,” said Boozer. “What I learned will improve my bro hugs back home tremendously.” The future of the position is under question, however, with the recent economic downturn forcing NBA general mangers to cut salary costs. As a result, several benchwarmers have been dropped or shopped around the league as part of various trade offers.
The benchwarmers’ union filed a protest against such treatment, but has received little support around the league. The larger, more influential NBA player’s union chose to instead pursue litigation over the tattoo quota that commissioner David Stern recently drafted. The cause does have one backer in Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, himself a vigorous benchwarmer. “F*** general managers. F*** Stern. People yelling violently near the court is how teams win games, whether they’re players or owners,” said Cuban. It’s unclear what Cuban’s fiery support will do for the cause. It might be up to Obama’s stimulus to save the benchwarmers. In the meantime, Madsen and others just hope for greater exposure. “The next time you’re watching a close game with only a few seconds left, turn your eyes from the winning shot and notice the encouragement from the seated players that made that shot go in,” said Madsen.
Ultimate team DJ demoted by Byron Tibble Sports Reporter
Mark Madsen (second from right, seated) and his fellow benchwarmers use exhaustively practiced and highly developed psychic emanations to help their teammate cinch that vital 3-pointer.
The atmosphere was decidedly tense at Saturday afternoon’s Walla Walla Sweets Ultimate frisbee match against Lewis & Clark. Unlike previous games, which had played out to the raucous sounds and propulsive beats of the likes of Chromeo, Lil’ Troy, and others, this match was accompanied by equal parts awkward silence and several slower tracks from Will Smith’s 1999 album Willenium. The strain was apparent in the team’s performance, as they barely pulled out a 15-13 victory. Later that afternoon, the team captain addressed the afternoon’s events in a prepared statement. “As of this moment, our official team DJ has hereby been tried by a panel of his peers and been found lacking in the latest Ratatat remixes or Young Buck single,” the statement read. “The offending party is required to serve a sentence of disc polishing and other undesirable tasks until further notice.” Regular attendees of Ultimate matches have voiced their approval. “Standards have to be upheld,” said one. “Ultimate highlight reels on YouTube don’t have Vanilla Ice played over them, so neither should our games.” In a counter-statement, Lewis and Clark requested a transfer for the offending player to help fill out their roster.
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Perspectives
Whitman College suck
April FOOL’S 2009
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Perspectives: N I GHTL I FE Perspectives takes a look at Whitman life from a new angle each week. 1. Oh yeah, that party was okay. A lot of plaid for some reason. 2. Shit, I take some seriously artsy fucking photos when I’ve been getting my drink on.
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3. Oh, yeah. Great. I’m glad we broke up. Have fun with that douchebag. No, don’t touch me, you guys. I can walk fine. 4. Shit, forgot to turn on the flash. 5. Studying? Wise choice, sir. You will go far. No, guys, I’m cool. Boot and rally. 6. Oh, what the fuck! Stronger-era Kanye was there? With Daft Punk? How do I not remember this?
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