awkward handholding
this SH** just got real!!
pg let’s just be friends
when is bill pullman’s next movie?
pg your mom
pg either 6 or 7
Iphone becomes self-aware pg 3G
WhitmanCollegeSuck
APRIL fool’s 2009 Volume CXXIV / Issue 7 Walla Walla, WAshington whitmansuck.com
Bridges announces dramatic tuition restructuring by Alma Mater Senior Reporter In a surprise move intended to further combat the economic downturn, President Bridges today announced that, starting this Fall 2009 semester, Whitman tuition will cost either $2.6 million dollars or one penny. “We realized that just cutting the ski team wasn’t going to fly,” admitted Bridges. “So the trustees came up with this slightly more aggressive plan to boost revenue. The reason tuition costs will vary student to student is that we wanted to preserve the rich socio-economic diversity on which Whitman prides itself.” According to Chief Financial Officer Peter Harvey, the new system has been implemented through a lottery, and results are totally random. “In the interests of fairness, new tuition rates will be ‘need blind.’ Students and their families have been asked not to submit any FAFSA or CSS PROFILE information this year, because frankly, we’re tired of hearing it,” he said. “Instead they’ve all been assigned one of the two new tuition options, and we’re
really going to be sticklers about making sure all payments are made in full.” Adding, “We have the letters all made out, and if you’re late sending in that check you WILL be politely reminded to do so. And no more free postage on those reply envelopes. Times are tough.” Many students have complained that the new system is unjust, irrational, and mathematically incorrect. A number of campus groups were especially vocal in expressing their dismay at the decision, yet most were soon forced out of the debate after cuts to the student activities budget forced them to disband. “I’m really miffed about the way the administration is handling this,” fumed firstyear Sarah Smith. “I come from a working class family and my mom’s a single parent. She’s been working three jobs just to come up with tuition, but you know, now that mine’s been increased to $2.6 million I just don’t see how we’re going to make it.” The Financial Aid Office declined to comment on tuition changes, citing exhaustion. Not all students have been adversely affected by the new system. After a dispropor-
tionate number of members had their tuition reduced to one cent, the Phi Delta Theta fraternity has announced its plans to officially buy back Marcus House from the college. Their charter was revoked in the 1980s after authorities discovered that the house was being used to harvest marijuana. “Now that we’ve got Marcus back, we’re doing the smart thing with it,” said a senior Phi, who asked not to be identified by name. “No more growing that cheap shit. We’re turning
the whole place into a meth den. And putting in waterslides. It’s going to be so sick.” A campus-wide forum on tuition changes will be held Friday, April 3 in the amphitheatre. Bridges encouraged all concerned students, staff, and faculty to attend, but noted that professors suspected of excessive out-ofclassroom involvement may be subject to further salary reductions: “That’s right, Bob Carson, we’re coming for you.”
Bon Appétit: A taste of paradise in your mouth by Tatum O’Douglas Reporter
In response to complaints about the absence of tropical fruit in its dining halls, Bon Appetit will feature a tropical fruit day to balance environmental consciousness with students’ demands. The day, aptly named A Taste of Paradise, will be Friday, April 3 during normal dinner hours in the Prentiss Dining Hall. “We wanted to emphasize bal-
ance,” said Bon Appétit food purchaser Ian McKeaton. “We went to the extreme in one direction, but we realize that we can have an occasional splurge and still be responsible stewards of the planet.” Bon Appétit stopped serving tropical fruit after last semester in order to reduce its carbon footprint. The tasting includes pineapple fried rice, a choice of chicken or tofu with mango chutney, and bananas foster. The salad bar will also feature fresh, cut-up chunks of pine-
apple, mango, and guava. Whole bananas will be available alongside the usual apples and pears. The normal selection of non-tropical dishes will also be available. Students are excited about the dinner. “It’ll be nice to have pineapple again,” said sophomore Cindy Brown. “It’s one of my favorite fruits. I even bought it at Safeway once, but it’s expensive there.” Others are already looking to make the fruit last.
“I’m going to take a bunch of bananas,” said first-year Nick Mellon. “If they’re not going to serve them everyday, I may as well stock up.” While the event is sure to be delicious, it is one meal only. “We might do this again if it’s popular,” said McKeaton, “but it would likely be once a semester or once a year.” That’s enough to give students the slightest taste of paradise.