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15 BACKPAGE George Lucas admits he’s a dirty whore for $4 billion Nov
2012
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hat’s the difference between the cast of “Jackass” and George Lucas? George Lucas will do anything for money. Indeed, it seems that the creator of “Star Wars” has completely sold out ... again. On Oct. 30, George Lucas announced that Disney would be buying for $4 billion, and with it came another “Star Wars” movie, to be released in 2015. Lucas, however, failed to read the fine print. In the contract, Lucas has to say on Disney Channel, probably on a “That’s So Raven” commercial break, that he is a dirty whore before he can cash the check and spend it drowning his sorrows
of selling out his once great creation. Before he went on air he spoke, “Do or do not. There is no try when it comes to selling out.” In an exclusive Skype session with Lucas from his California home, he noted, “I will literally do anything for money.” He also said that he “would have made Jar Jar Binks the hero of ‘Star Wars’ if I would have seen a few more dollars. But I guess he was a little too racist for that.” This deal also comes in lieu of George Lucas’ editing of “Indiana Jones” and the original “Star Wars” films, where he deemed the original material too rough on the edges and less
Good weekend Bad weekend
Confessions Pt. 3 L ast week, first-year Joel Felan finally cracked the code that has had scholars perplexed for centuries. During a regular Monday in his Encounters class in Maxey Hall, Felan found the answer to the book “Confessions.” “I always thought literature was about individual interpretation and perspective, but Joel just got on a roll and it soon became clear that he was right and all other interpretations prior to his must have been wrong,” reported an enamored classmate through tears. “I’m still not entirely convinced Saint Augustine didn’t base his work off of the Usher song,” said another student. When asked about how he managed to derive a singular meaning from one of the world’s most read texts, Felan replied, “I was just celebrating Initiative 502 passing when it hit me like a ton of bricks hitting me.” Felan’s professor, Jane Kim, has spent the last week frantically calling everyone in the literary community to tell them of the immense achievement. The discovery, which he likened to the discovery of the Snuggie, is already making a splash in the academic world. “We professionals only make educated guesses at the intentions of the author, which we back with subjective evidence. I have been teaching the text for years, but [Felan] just figured it out, plain and simple.” Professor Kim, humbled by the experience, sent the students home early that fateful day, having nothing else to teach them. “Usually I just ask vague guiding questions to get them to talk until I can leave, but I never expected to actually get a viable answer.”
Felan, who has a C+ in the course, spent the next week putting his solution to the complex text into an essay. Despite dealing with TKE blasting the music of Top Gun and the perils of CLEo, Felan managed to get it in before the deadline. He received a B- on the essay, however, because he made several mistakes in punctuation and grammar and was “a bit vague” with his conclusion. Although his grade may not be benefiting from the discovery, the literary community has, and is abuzz with the news. Felan is being regarded as a hero, something the Whitman ad m in ist rat ion is worried about. “We don’t want students to feel like they have to live up to the standard set by Felan,” stated Anthony Tabasco, dean of students. In the last week, many students have tried, and failed, to achieve similar levels of success. BBMB major Chris Derkins attempted to find a cure for cancer and ended up rendering an entire population of field mice infertile while also burning a hole through two stories of the Hall of
marketable. He also managed to get one of the worst actors of all time to play Anakin Skywalker. Some fans, in protest, wear shirts which state, “Han shot first,” which may be the last hope for the integrity of nerdom. (If you don’t know, Lucas edited the DVD release to make it so it looked liked Greedo shot first when Solo did in the original version.) Lucas ended his Skype session stating, “Sure, I may have butchered the originals when I re-released them, have totally maimed the ‘Star Wars’ franchise by making episodes one, two and three, but this time I’m going to let Disney share in the fun.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who have good weekends and those who have bad weekends. At Whitman, sometimes there is a fine line that separates those two, as is seen in these very realistic scenarios...
Good Weekend
You and your friends head out for a night in town where you have the pleasure of unexpectedly running into many of your peers and classmates, and end up dancing all night.
Bad Weekend
You and your friends head out for a night in town where you have the misfortune of unexpectedly running into many peers and classmates who were, ironically, the exact people you tried to avoid by getting off campus and coming into town.
Good Weekend
To your delightful surprise, you look outside the library window and see that Whitman has a flash mob performing across Ankeny. You put your laptop down and hurriedly scamper to join the spontaneous fun.
ILLUSTRATION BY SCHUH
Science. Music major David Fluting tried to hit a note so high that it would shatter lead, only to get stuck in G6 for two weeks. Math student Kevin Duh wound up in the health center after trying to divide by zero. We still have no clue what gender studies majors actually do.
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Bad Weekend
Your parents unexpectedly fly up to visit. To make matters worse they take you out to an overcrowded and overrated dinner at Green Spoon to inform you of their utter and total disappointment in your immaturity and failure to grow up and “see the bigger picture.” Consequentially, they decide to stop paying for your education. Your night is only made worse by a backfired attempt to distract your parents from their disappointment in you with a poorly timed joke about how Green Spoon should probably change its name to Green Goon because all the waiters have funny-looking faces.
Good Weekend
Bad Weekend
You finally get together with the girl you have been eyeing for months. She doesn’t even wake you up when she leaves in the morning, and when you tell your roommate later that day, he gives you a congratulatory fist pump.
Good Weekend
Your girlfriend finally realizes that you like to watch “Tangled” every weekend not because you think it’s an “enduring” Disney movie but rather because you think that Rapunzel is hot. You are unabashedly ashamed when she calls you a pervert and says it’s over. After informing your roommate, he notifies you that he thinks now is “a good time” to let you know that he was jealous of your relationship and poked holes in all your condoms as a prank.
To your horror, you realize that the excited-looking group of people you thought was a flash mob turns out to be a poorly organized, overly passionate neo-feminist rally. You frantically sprint back to the library, where, to your devastation, you find that not only has your cozy bean bag spot been commandeered, but your laptop and Hello Kitty backpack stolen. Your parents unexpectedly fly up to visit. They decide to take you out to a nice dinner where all three of you share a wonderful evening of reminiscing and feeling proud of your college accomplishments.
Bad Weekend
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