5 BACKPAGE 8 Local critters join in festivities Student does stuff over break T O DEC
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2013
his Thanksgiving break, when most students returned home to their farflung families to enjoy the holiday and the mounds of carbs that come with it, one student started a new tradition here on campus. Junior Belle White opted to stay on campus over the break under the pretense of working on a research paper, though actually it was so that she could re-watch all of “HIMYM” in peace. In addition, however, White generously opened her home up to those others who were left on campus without their family around to celebrate Thanksgiving. “I wanted to try and create a family atmosphere for those of us left on the lonely campus. I assumed that anyone here wouldn’t go more than a foot away from their space heater unless they had the promise of free food,” said White. The crowd that appeared on White’s doorstep could not have been what she expected. Instead of spirited students, it seemed that the local Walla Walla wildlife had heard about White’s invitation. “We ducks felt a little left out,” said Mallard, a local duck who attended White’s Thanksgiving dinner. “We never get to participate in these fun human holidays, but Belle’s invitation was just so welcoming, so I thought, ‘what the quack?’” Surrounding the dinner table the evening of Nov. 28 were Mallard, Squirrel, Bear, Badger, Raccoon, Fox and Deer. Word of White’s invitation had apparently traveled through the nearest wooded area.
“This is way better than Bon App Canadian Thanksgiving,” said Squirrel, as he awkwardly grasped a spoonful of cranberries with his paws. Bear clumsily scooped a few platefuls of food towards himself, only to have it land in his lap. He then dipped his snout into the mashed potatoes. “Let’s say what we’re thankful for,” said Bear. “I’m thankful for hibernation! I can’t really afford to heat my cave these days. Thank goodness I’m able to sleep through all of my problems.” “I’m thankful for tofurkey.
You have no idea how hard it is to find this stuff in the woods,” said Fox, who is currently on a vegan, gluten-free diet. “Hey, what does the Fox say?” asked Badger, as he gnawed at a brussel sprout. Before Fox could answer Badger snapped, “Nothing, so shut up!” “No, the Fox says NOM NOM NOM A NOMANOMANOM,” said Fox, chewing tofurkey as loudly as possible. Attempting to salvage the sit-
uation, White piped in. “I’m thankful for all of my new forest friends. And now that we’re done eating, why don’t you all help me clean,” said White. She began to sing, and the animals followed suit, making quick work of it all. “Oh, I’m definitely coming next year,” said Deer. “White’s singing and welcoming home brought us all together, at least for this evening. We’re probably going to all go back to being predators and prey, but it was nice to give it up for a spell.”
Avoiding family questions during holidays
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f you are one of the many Whitman students returning home over break, you are probably anticipating some questions from your family and friends back home. This is especially true if you are a first-year student, because in addition to the usual slew of interrogations, everyone and their mother is going to say, “SOOO, HOW’S COLLEGE?!!” Here at The Pioneer, we want to provide you with some acceptable and not-so-acceptable responses to aid you in your upcoming conversations. Question: So, are you seeing anyone? Who from: Your parents/your ex What not to say: “About four different people in rotation”/”Define ‘seeing’” What to say: If you are still with a high school/long-
time love interest, chide your relative for not remembering them and questioning your faithfulness. If you are single, talk about how college is a time for defining your identity. If you are just having casual affairs, bring up the idea that college is a time for exploration in all realms of your life. If you are looking for some, say “No,” but if you want to avoid creepy ex hookups, say “Yep, found the love of my life!” Question: So, what kind of activities have you gotten involved in this year at college? Who from: Your aunt What not to say: “Learning how to beer bong”/”Smoking”/”Writing for The Pioneer” What to say: Highlight any participation you’ve had with sports, even IM ones.
Mention how they’ve bonded you increasingly to your section/club/Greek organization. Talk about your 30 minutes of Storytime Project a week as if you spent the majority of your free time volunteering. Question: So, what’s Greek life like at your school? Who from: Old classmate/friend/cousin What not to say: “Just as fun as it looks in the movies”/”A huge joke” What to say: This one’s going to depend on your affiliation and feelings toward the subject. Either way, drop the hint that Greek life at Whitman is typically more moderate than at other schools. If you are Greek, you will probably comment on how it’s still just as fun as at state schools, but be sure to focus on brotherhood bonding while abstaining from going into detail on
the extensive list of drinking activities you participate in, especially if this person is old. Question: What are you (thinking of) majoring in? Who from: Parents/uncle What not to say: “Partying”/”Keeping it real”/ “Art” What to say: Bring up the thought of maybe going premed (“I’m taking Gen Chem!”). Alternatively, speak extensively on how this semester is the time for trying new things and “exploring your options.” Unless you want old Uncle Tim to fall asleep at the table directly in front of you, DON’T list every single possible major that you are considering — “Maybe history, maybe art, maybe art history with a minor in sociology.” Your goal is not to pacify your relatives into boredom.
Who stole my seasonal pies?Part II
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inter nights in Walla Walla are long. Weary people sulk through the shadows, coming from nowhere in particular, going nowhere worth mentioning. I’ve worked some long nights as a campus student security officer, and winter nights are the longest. The air is full of tension, the people one thread from snapping. It was my boss who told me I needed to get out of town. Said my family hadn’t seen me in months. Said I wouldn’t be needed for the holidays. I know what he really meant. I’ve made some dangerous enemies this past semester. Word on the street is the notorious Skratchel Krant wants to get even with Campus Security, and it might be best if I’m not around when he does. And I could use the break. So I steal out in the middle of the afternoon before anyone is awake and catch the next flight out of Walla Walla. But maybe my plans weren’t so secret after all. As soon as I got on the plane, I knew something was up. The moment I sat down, some dame walks up to me with some cockand-bull story about wanting to sit with her kid. Said it was real
important we switch seats. A likely story, but the kid backed her up — last time I trust a kid. “Row 5 seat B” she says, real casual, like it was the most ordinary thing in the world. And that’s when I see him. Row 5 seat A. James. James. It figures it would be James. I’ve got an hour until we land in SeaTac, and I am sitting next to the biggest pie kingpin in the Tri-Cities area. And my next-door neighbor. He smiles at me as I sit down. I know then that that woman was no mother. He’d paid her off so he could keep tabs on me. You see, I’ve been investigating James in relation to the disappearance of some pies back in October. Real nasty case. Three pies, all in seasonal flavors, disappeared from their home, my home, without a trace. I knew it was James from day one; I just could never quite pin it on him. “Going home?” he leers at me. So that’s his game. Threatening my family. This man was more brutal than I had given him credit for. “Yeah, how about you?” He smiled like he was not about to give me the biggest lie I’d ever heard
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“Yeah.” James has no family in Seattle. It’s all a front for his pie-stealing operations. We don’t say much for the rest of the flight. I don’t feel much like talking — what do you say to the man that ate your pie? I can’t tell you how relieved I was to get off that plane, complimentary wine or no. I was out of there faster than a senior when freshmen show up at a party. But as I’m walking
across SeaTac, the stewardess from my flight catches up to me. “Ma’am! You left this on the plane!” the woman calls to me. Now I know I left nothing on the plane because I brought nothing on the plane. I like to spend my time reading “Skymall.” I look down at what she has in her perfectly-manicured hand. A single, empty pie tin. That bastard.
h my goodness, I have gotten so much done over the break! I feel so accomplished right now. It’s so nice to be home in my Portland suburb hometown right now, and it’s great to see all my BFFs from high school. Wildcats forever, bitches! But, like, I’m a college student now and I needed to get things done. So I got ahead on my reading for Encounters and wrote my final paper. I think it is pretty good. I wrote about Plato’s “Symposium.” I definitely made some strong points. I also finished up all of my chemistry homework for the rest of the semester, that stuff is so EASY once you get going on it. And since finals are coming up and all, I started studying for those. I also started organizing my future, you know, it’s never too early to start planning. I worked my way through three GRE study books and am onto a fourth. I finished up all of my applications for grad school. Harvard is my backup and I am pretty sure I’ll get in. I finally got to pick up my room and do a really deep cleaning, vacuuming and dusting and shit. I also completely reorganized my closet. I created this bomb organization scheme by color so I’ll never accidentally grab my tangerine velour hoodie when I want my bubblegumpink hoodie. God, that was an awful day when that happened. Given that it’s the holidays and all, I also baked a pie for my grandmother. And another pie for my aunt. And one for my mom. And one for each of my professors. And I made a pie for myself too, but mine was vegan, glutenfree, sugar-free and nonfat. But of course I still went to the gym afterwards. The holidays are no excuse to get lazy! Then I did all my holiday shopping and hand-wrote holiday cards for all of my friends. But thank goodness it is break because, honestly, I needed a rest! I watched one episode of TV on Netflix and now I feel so rejuvenated I could run a marathon, which I just did yesterday. And now I am just so relaxed and ready to go back to school!
Turkey drop update CONTEXT: The “Turkey Drop” is a term referring to the ending, or “dropping,” of a relationship, specifically long-distance (often with a high school student and first-year in college) that is ended over Thanksgiving break when the college student returns home. The common reasoning is that the college student finds more opportunities for sexual encounters that comes with more “maturity” at school. METHOD: The method of dumping usually involves engaging sexually and emotionally with the partner and then breaking it off when it’s time to return to school. This method maximizes what is called “booty potential” while minimizing the stress of a public break-up in their hometowns. EVIDENCE: Thanksgiving 2013 had more Turkey Drops than ever before in Whitman history. Some claim the increase in droppings is due to larger classes, yet the class of 2015, a larger class, did not in fact have as many as others. In an all first-year survey, more than 50 percent of students in couples ended their relationships over the break. The classes of ’14,’15 and ’16 respectively had only a 30 percent Turkey Drop rate at max. A few select 2013 Turkey Drops: Sam & Alex (in-person break-up) Dan & Marie (text message) Alec & Jim (Facebook message) Annabella & Juan (Facebook chat) Jayce & Sarah (Twitter) Delia & Robert (Snapchat) ANALYSIS: Some claim the increased rate in Turkey Drops is due to a more attractive first-year class; others claim it is due to the increase of negative culture associated with traditional relationships. However, there is not enough data to support either of these hypotheses.