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APR
18 2013
Macklemore returns to eager Whitman
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fter Allen Stone came to campus, students were left with a lot of questions about the Whitman Events Board (WEB). “Why are we wasting money on ‘blue-eyed soul singers’? Isn’t that racist?” asked ColorBlind on Whitman Encounters. After asking the student body what sort of events they would rather WEB put on, it became clear that the students had a very ... distinct vision. “MACKLEMORE!!!” shouted a group of Kappas. Other students agreed. “I don’t care if we have to raise tuition; it’s Macklemore. He’s from Seattle. I have friends from there,” said first-year Cam Srosby. Srosby, despite not actually being from Seattle, feels like Macklemore’s music really speaks to him. “‘Thrift Shop’ was definitely probably about me at the ‘80s
dance. I bought my clothes at a thrift shop,” said Srosby, wearing a Wa-Hi JV Track and Field t-shirt. WEB has given in to student requests and spent all of its funding, and the Associated Students of Whitman College (ASWC) is contributing, too. The Board of Trustees is also considering selling half of their stocks in oil companies to book Macklemore at Reid Coffeehouse until 2018. “The students of Whitman should really manage all of Whitman’s money because even though they don’t understand finances, they understand what they want. It’s Macklemore. They want Macklemore,” said trustee Max Wallace. Macklemore will be coming to Walla Walla in the fall as a new addition to his tour for his new top-selling CD, The Heist. “I’m totally going to get him to sign my Mariners hat,” said senior
Whitman students have no idea what divestment even is
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ll around campus we see posters: “Go to see this mediocre artist who’s not FIDLAR (who the mutha-fuckin gangsta squad is that?) WEB has brought in! Check out this talk that looks vaguely interesting about birds riding on top of various felines.” Yet, there is still a myriad of confusion that is growing among Whitman students. Joseph Ratzinger, an exchange student from Vatican City, posed the question that many are asking: “Jesus Christ, what the hell is divestment and why should I give a poop?” Indeed, in a recent survey conducted with a grant from Whitman President George Wash-
ington Towers, it turned out that 98 to 99 percent of students not involved with ASWC “don’t really give a shit about divestment.” (It was one of the answers they could click, seriously, folks.) “Why should I care about modern events? It’s actually probably best if people don’t pay attention to them,” noted Ratzinger. “I think divestment is an old wooden ship,” noted sophomore Buzz Jacobson, quoting a movie that’s 10 years old, and bringing hilarity to all. “It’s like divestment is a word in Spanish ... and I don’t speak Spanish!” Some senior members of ASWC have even grown cynical. “I just honestly care more
and heard about the concert on a tour. Even some faculty members are anxiously awaiting the tickets. “My wife left me when I said I was going to sleep my way into a concert, but at least I have my job,” said a tenured professor of Italian studies from under a picnic table. Perhaps the most surprising face, though, was a mophaired, glasses-wearing, blonde hipster of a man who has taken to playing music for the Hooverville gathered outside the campus center. “I was unaware Macklemore would be gracing us with his presence. I heard someone say so while I was visiting and I got a contact high. I thought, let’s celebrate tonight, and came back here to play some soulful jams. I can’t wait for Macklemore to come; I can barely sleep in this bed I made. Can’t wait to hear some ‘blonde-haired rap,’ as I like to call it,” said the man.
Matt Rickulate, who has withdrawn from his last semester to be present for Macklemore’s concert next year. He might need to act fast on getting tickets, because they are selling like hotcakes that give you access to Reid Campus Center’s 30-person venue. Students have already begun camping outside of Reid to get one of the 30 tickets. Although the tickets don’t go on sale, the students are confident that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. “I have seen Macklemore live, like, eight times. But I have never seen him live in the fall of 2013, right? I’d be crazy not to,” said Stu Pidass, a sophomore bundled up in quilts on the back patio. Pidass is not alone camping out. There are literally 16 people. Figuratively, there are hundreds. The faces poking from bundles each tell a unique story, like the prospective student who came for Spring Visitors’ Day from his high school in Seattle
about Beta these days than some big word that’s on some posters and has hearings. How come that word gets hearings? I want other words to get hearings, like ‘octopus’ and ‘crawfish,’” commented junior John Zacharyson, working on his marine biology homework. “Wouldn’t you go to an octopus hearing? I mean, free calamari at the end after we decide it’s a witch, right?” As this reporter was confused and bemuddled by all the references to old movies, he came to his own conclusion, and sat down and decided to watch “Happy Gilmore.” I noted to myself, “If not caring is cool, then call me Miles Davis.”
Unusual new changes to
Greekend
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WORDS showers underground daffodil tulip bloom taurus diamond earth easter passover fool
ILLUSTRATION BY HAMPTON
he weekend of Greekend is upon us. That means debauchery, shenanigans, regrets and whole lot of things that sound cool in theory but don’t quite live up to their high expectations. To help change that image, the students in charge of organizing Greekend have decided to implement a few different activities to freshen things up. 1) Instead of the traditional dance competition between the first-years of each Greekfraternity and women’s fraternity, this year first-years from each Greek chapter will choose two partners to try and pick up a coconut and kiss it ... without using their hands. And yes, butt-clenching has been an approved tactic. 2) Hot dog contests are controversial, gross and now a thing of the past. Not only is it a wasteful contest, but it also disregards vegans and vegetarians. To make the contest more equal and inclusive, this year the hot dogs will be replaced by wheatgrass. Contestants must eat or drink as much wheatgrass as they can in five minutes to win. Another important addition to this contest is the “Beauty, Grace and Style” award which is given to the contestant that looks the happiest while eating wheatgrass. 3) In past years, Barefoot
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Formal has led to many a scandalous and forgettable night. To prevent this from happening again, a more hygienic and safe event has replaced Barefoot Formal and it even has a catchier name: Blindhand Dance. This event will begin with every attendee standing facing inwards in a large circle under the tented area. They will be asked to close their eyes, stick their hands out and walk forward until they touch another person’s hand. That person is now their one and only dance partner for the night. In this way, there is equality and fairness for even the less “outgoing” people who still want to have a good time. 4) By far the biggest change to this year’s Greekend is the dramatic, emotional, some might even go so far as to say stupid/childish/hilarious/immature change to the women’s fraternity football games. This year, keeping with the fun, fair and equal-for-all theme, women’s fraternities will have teams that will be decided based on attractiveness. It may seem ridiculous or catty, but it is important to keep in mind that students in the Greek system are prone to being overemotional, superficial and self-indulgent, so in other words, not much different from Tristan Gavin’s articles.
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