Spring 2014 Issue 12 - Backpage by Whitman College Wire

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2014

Maximum taste, minimum dining hall W ith a food selection as diverse and unpretentious as that offered by Bon Appétit, the options for meals are seemingly endless. However, if you’re looking to cut down on the energy required to craft the perfect dining hall meal, these five tips can help you save time and get the most bang for your swipe. The Field Roast Hack: Spice up a bland vegetarian meal with the simple addition of two ingredients. First acquire your plate of steaming hot field roast. While it’s still hot, fill a bowl about one-quarter of the way with peanut butter. Then walk both plates in the direction of the soft serve machine. Swiftly drop the roast into the trash while filling the rest of the bowl with ice cream. The Salad Bar Hack: Everyone knows the importance of a

well-balanced meal, but the bustle of the salad bar may be a deterrent. Try substituting proteinlacking lettuce leaves with vitamin-rich honey nut Cheerios, and swap out the fatty salad dressings with a low-fat dairy substitute, all the while avoiding the lengthy wait at the salad bar. The Energy Hack: For one of those days when getting out of bed seems impossible, the right energy boosting beverage is necessary. For maximum caffeine intake per cup, try placing two green tea bags in your mug instead of one. Then fill the mug with a 1:1:1 ratio of coffee, maté, and blue energy drink. Top with a splash of hot cocoa. Later in the day, your constant need to leave class and rush to the bathroom will offer quick spurts of energy boost throughout the day. The Line Hack: Dur-

ing the inevitable dinner rush, a lengthy line is sure to form for any food item. Opt out of line-waiting by feeding yourself with the food scraps left on the floor from lunch. A great quick dessert option to follow with is a handful of gum retrieved from under a booth. The Time-Saving Hack: Tired of having to walk to get to every single meal? Here’s the ultimate food secret that Bon App workers don’t want you to know. To drastically reduce your time spent navigating the dining hall, all you have to do is lower your standards. Elect to snack on the remnants from that care package your mom sent you in October, sustain yourself with a few handfuls of gummy vitamins instead of balanced meals and remain in bed instead of socializing. Happy Dining!

Seniors:

Rosemary’s Poetry Corner Why We Should Not Share Food

If Robert Frost Were as Lazy as I.

The final avocado I sit on the counter, blackened by time and the etiquette of communal food-sharing no one will break.

The hell are you? I think I know, but I could be mistaken though, for freezer-burn works to obscure that which you were three months ago.

Ethical Dilemmas in the Supermarket Becoming vegan: I know it’s the right thing, but Tillamook cheddar.

I almost think I can recall a stir-fry made in early fall that fell behind the ice-cream tubs joining some frozen food cabal.

do they give a crap?

The answer now for which I strive in eating you: will I survive? The Safeway is so far away; too lazy to attempt the drive. But I recall as courage thins, my college mantra so begins: that soy-sauce covers many sins, that soy-sauce covers many sins.

Mix-‘n-match jokes

s the days dwindle by, bringing the class of 2014 closer and closer to graduation, it’s time to check in with them to see how much of a crap they still give about school. Economics major Red Loochen: “I’m done with everything. You could say I’ve been chillin’ on the roof frequently, catchin’ some rays. Although I have kind of done that all four years here.” Give a crap-o-meter: 0 Psychology major Chessia Yawner: “I passed my writtens and finished my thesis, but still have orals to do. So I’m chillin’, but I’m not chiiiillin’.” Give a crap-o-meter: 2 Biophysics, biochemistry and molecular biology major Greta Killmore: “I still have

some work on my thesis to do and need to take my orals. Still, I manage to make it to Trivia Tuesday every week, cause come on, people. We are still in college after all.” Give a crap-o-meter: 4 Film & Media Studies major Matt Hesler: “I finished making my senior project, so now I am working on another film for fun. It’s always been about fun.” Give a crap-o-meter: 5 Statistical analysis of this data shows that senioritis has hit the class of 2014 hard. Whether or not they have completed their senior requirements, they can no longer find a crap to give. As each springtime day blooms, so does the apathy of this class. Party on, seniors, and enjoy the last few weeks of the best part of your life. It’s all downhill from here.