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20 2014
Obama comes out as dog person, cats ambivalent
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n Feb. 15, it was confirmed that U.S. President Barack Obama is not a cat person. Vice President Joe Biden posted several YouTube videos of cats on President Obama’s Facebook wall and was not met with enthusiasm. “He posted so many adorable clips of cats playing the piano, hiding in boxes and performing intensive neurosurgery—you know, the usual stuff—but the president was not at all excited,” said White House Press Secretary Cay Jarney. Indeed President Obama’s public relations team posted an official response to the videos. “We are sorry to inform the American people that the president is entirely uninterested in cat videos. Though some individuals may find them adorable or even hilarious, the president is not a cat person. We hope that even though others may identify as cat people, that they will respect President Obama’s identity as a dog person. Thank you,” read the official report. This interaction has stirred
Mrs. Teed: A Profile
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e all know the man in charge of running the Associated Students of Whitman College. We all know about his spirit, his dedication and his love of horsies. We all know Rim Teed. He takes care of our laws and policies and uses our student funds deftly. But there remains one question: is he single? Well, I am sorry to report, ladies and gentleman, that there is indeed a Mrs. Teed. Fueled by a strong journalistic drive and decidedly not by a creepy need to know everything about everyone, I set out to discover the truth, dedicating many hours and late nights Facebook stalking—by which I mean researching—the lovely Mrs. Teed. Here are the facts I have uncovered: Of course we all love and support our president, not only out of fear that he will revoke our club funding, but does Mrs. Teed really put up with all of those late nights in the ASWC office? She does. Not only does she like all of Teed’s Facebook posts, even the boring ASWC ones, she also sends him uplifting and hilarious pics, such as the lovable
Doge meme. Such support. Very love. So ASWC. Wow. Amaze. Teed is famous for his love of horsies, since we all remember his rousing campaign, “Now is the Time for Horsies,” last fall. Well, Mrs. Teed shares that love of horsies, and she has a beautiful chestnut mare named Lady Buttercup Truffleton III. She and Teed frequently go horsey-back riding together on the beach at sunset, but the distance they drive to get to this beach is unclear. Other than take fabulous sunset horsey-back rides on the beach, what do the Teeds do? Being the most glamorous and powerful couple on campus, they must be out and about all the time, right? Wrong. The Teeds are truly very down-to-earth people. On any given Friday night, they can be found lounging in their off-campus mountain, watching Netflix on a 40inch plasma screen, eating tasteof takeout off a silver platter. All in all, we are glad, if only a little heartbroken, Teed, that you found such a wonderful first lady. ADVERTISEMENT
quite a bit of controversy. President Obama has received numerous death threats and there have even been rumors about presidential impeachment. Joseph Chan, a prominent member of the Tea Party, hopes that this will give Republicans an advantage in the next election. “I stand for an American America. We cannot have a man with truly un-American values running our country, the greatest country in the universe. It’s times like these that show us what really matters: bigotry, pro-life and cats,” said Chan. Despite the controversy, President Obama has been very straightforward about his views. On Tuesday he appeared on “Ellen” and opened up about his life as a dog person. Ellen praised Obama for his courage and pledged her support even though she identifies as a cat person. To President Obama’s family, his announcement came as no surprise. President Obama’s childhood friend, Austino Himmel, agreed. “Well, I always kind of sus-
pected it to be honest. I mean, he has two dogs right now, and when he was little, he never did like to play with cat stuffed animals. I figured it was only a matter of time,” said Himmel. President Obama’s close relative Madeline Redlich was relieved. “Now that he’s not hiding anything, I hope that he can live a happier and more fulfilled life. He can serve as a role model for other dog people around the country by showing that it really is okay to just not like cats,” she said. Perhaps the individuals who were most thrilled about President Obama’s announcement were his two Portuguese water dogs, Bo and Sunny. “A weight has really been lifted off my shoulders. It feels like I can finally be myself around him. I hope that America will continue to support him, so that we can show the world that it doesn’t matter whether you identify as a cat person or a dog person. The only thing that matters is that you are a kind, loving person,” said Bo.
Presidents’ Day Crossword
Across: 4. Loved skinny dipping in the Potomac 7. Very fat, once got stuck in a bathtub 8. Only Roman Catholic president to date 9. Captain of his high school cheer team 10. Filed his own patent 13. Was shot in a train station 14. First language was Dutch 15. Famous Civil War general 16. Held office for 32 days 17. Very short, never exceeded 100 pounds 18. Had to borrow money to get to his inauguration 19. His name is also a verb 20. Made a strange speech about his dog Checkers Answers will be posted online next week.
Down: 1. Made his own suits 2. Bought many slaves in order to set them free 3. Famous for getting into duels 5. Had alligators as family pets 6. Served two nonconsecutive terms 7. Had 15 children 8. Most recent president to have no college degree 9. Known to “whip it out” in public 10. Lost White House china in a poker match 11. Did not have sexual relations with that woman 12. Served in both world wars 13. Held office for 12 years 14. Vomited on the Japanese prime minister 16. Known for his acting career 17. Capital of Liberia is named for him
Announcements on local club presidents Lez Pres Juarez says fez his Junior Juarez Hamilton, president of the local chapter of the Militant Lesbian Society, has admitted that the fez hat reading “misogynist pig” that appeared atop the statue of Marcus Whitman is indeed his. No word yet as to whether he will face administrative action for this. Bare fair chair Cher unaware of bear scare President of the Nudist Society on campus, senior Cher McIntyre, reported today that she had not been informed about the uptick of bear activity at Crystal Springs, the usual site of the Whitman College Annual Naked Carnival. She says inquiries are being made as to the danger posed by the animals but reassures students that the carnival will go ahead as planned with a possible change of venues. Pro snow bro Joe brought low by blow There was a scandal at the Olympics as Whitman student and head of the ski team sophomore Joe Johnson was accused of using cocaine before his qualifying round for the long jump. Johnson denies these allegations, but has been banned from practicing until they can be fully investigated. This could severely hurt his Olympic chances, and the whole Whitman community holds its breath and hopes the charges can be dismissed quickly. Brief relief for reef chief after disbelief about beef aperitif thief Senior Steven Angor, head of the Marine Biology Club on campus, was vindicated today after the apprehension of senior Daniel Halger, who, according to Angor, has been stealing the appetizers laid out for members of the club. For a long time it was believed that Angor had been making up the allegations because of a personal feud with Halger, but security cameras caught Halger in the act of slipping almost four pounds of meat into his bag before the Tuesday club meeting. Charges have not yet been filed in this case.
Latin satin napkin captain flattened Tragedy struck today when sophomore George Stevenson, the captain of the etiquette team, was run over by a steam-roller. Stevenson led the team to nationals this year with an exhibition on South American Table Manners. Little is known about the case at this time. More will be reported as it develops. ‘Cigar Car’ in reservoir after bizarre guitar star au-revoir The famous Walla Walla cigarette and cigar truck was found floating in the reservoir this morning after a strange series of events surrounding the lead guitarist of Gosh So Many Chimps, John Leroy, who came to play at Whitman College last Friday. It is as of yet unclear how the truck ended up in the water, but guests at the goodbye party say that Leroy had left the party to buy a pack of cigarettes and never returned. Police are still looking for Leroy. If you have any information, you are urged to contact the Whitman security office. Reader says cedar leader speeder
breeder
Conifer pollination expert and Whitman Professor of Biology Bill Kilketty has apparently been arrested for speeding this weekend, according to an anonymous reader. What this means for the Arboreal Club for which he is the faculty adviser is currently unknown. Salamander commander Alexander’s candor slander Sophomore Alexander Smith, president of the Amphibian Protection Club on campus, has been officially reprimanded by the school for calling the president of the Young Republicans, junior Amy Anderson, an “environment killer” in a Pioneer article concerning her talk on Wednesday about nuclear power. Apparently Smith had not even gone to the talk, which focused on assessing the environmental impact of nuclear power as opposed to fossil fuels. He has officially apologized. “I was drunk,” he said.