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APR
17 2014
Duck hunters ‘quacking’ under stress T he Student Activities Office Annual Duck Hunt began this week, and competition this year is hotter than ever. Students are desperate to locate rubber ducks in order for the chance to win prizes they probably don’t want, in addition to eternal glory. The increasingly competitive hunt coupled with the sudden presence of sun has left competitors with a duck-crazed fever and has led them to capture real live ducks. Senior Smolly JoJo, who recently completed her thesis and was absolutely dazed by the sunshine and duck fever captured four living ducks with nothing but beef jerky and some twine and then attempted to submit them for raffle tickets. “I just don’t understand,” said JoJo. “I brought in ducks. My ducks were perfect. I need to win. It’s my last year, and I NEED TO WIN!” Ms. JoJo then broke down in a fit of tears and had to be escorted home from the interview. “Students are heartbroken when I tell them the real ducks
Students divest, assets revealed
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he Whitman Divestment Committee would like to inform the student body that it has no connection with the newly-founded Whitman Divestment Society, which was responsible for last week’s “parade.” They go on to request that the Divestment Society cease all further use of the term “divestment” as it is causing some confusion among the general student body based on a complete misunderstanding about the meaning of “divestment.” Tension erupted Saturday when several students, having skimmed the leaflets placed in our mailboxes last week, decided that the Whitman Divestment Committee had not made significant enough strides toward their goal. However, it seems that they were unclear as to what these goals were. The Whitman Divestment Committee would like to stress yet again that “divestment” refers to the releasing of Whitman’s investments in oil companies. Though “divest” does indeed come from the old French desvestir (removal) and the Latin vestis (garment), in this context, THE REMOVAL OF CLOTHING IS NOT AT ALL IMPLIED. However, this did not stop a cadre of newly initiated Divestment Society members from removing their garments and holding a rally outside of Memorial Hall on Satur-
day. Encouraged by the warm weather and air of camaraderie, many other students joined in on the fun until quite a large crowd had accumulated. At this point, students yelling “Divest Whitman!” formed a parade which continued through the streets of Walla Walla, startling the locals. The mood was quite exuberant, with Whitties waving shirts, pants and dresses in the air as they passed. A number of Walla Wallans joined in before the parade finally looped back toward campus as members of the Walla Walla police department looked on in shock and annoyance. Once back on campus, the rally largely dissipated, as sunset precipitated a drop in temperature that even the most hearty of Whitties found difficult to tolerate in their bare condition. While the Whitman Divestment Committee appreciates the increased name recognition following last week’s “parade,” they must insist that the activities of the Whitman Divestment Society cease, or at least that the society change their name so as not to cause confusion. This is specifically true of the posters that have appeared around campus since the rally, sporting the jaunty slogan “Divest Whitman!” and the crude drawings of a number of indelicate organs. More on this story as it develops.
Maus audio book now available
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rt Speigelman’s influential graphic novel “Maus” has just been released in audiobook form, just in time for first-years to begin reading it for Encounters. Penrose Library has made digital downloads of the audiobook free for students, and almost all of the first-year class has taken advantage of this opportunity. “This is ridiculous. How
can you understand Maus without being able to see it?” said Professor of Religion Kan Dent. While some professors object to the audiobook, first-years have largely reacted positively. “I really love how they describe what’s happening in each panel and the symbolism behind it. Comic book visuals are just so tedious to understand,” said first-year Joe Dangerous.
won’t earn them a raffle ticket, and they need to be set free. I have arranged for the Counseling Center to be on call to take any students needing duck-related counseling, ” said Student Activities Director KatAnn Adales. Unfortunately, the mentally unstable students are only half of the problem. The live ducks that were left in the Student Activities Office refuse to leave Reid Campus Center. All attempts to “free” the captured ducks and return them outside have been thwarted by the ducks’ recent development of a caffeine addiction. The new Reid ducks eventually found their way down from the second floor to the café. The ducks have settled in quite nicely to their new life. They can be found picking up a brew or hanging out downstairs and listening to quack-poetry (the duck equivalent of slam poetry). “We have kind of given up trying to remove them from the building, and besides, some of their poems are really quite moving,” said Student Activities Intern Lizzie Alexandra.
Sin-counters
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encounters revolution
he ever so clever 2014 firstyear class has come up with a new way to get through Encounters: drinking. The mastermind behind the trend, Sandy Caine, described how it came into fruition. “I was super inspired by ‘Hind Swaraj’ and could totally identify with Gandhi’s active nonviolence stuff. So I felt like the best way to combat non-violently the boring nature of Encounters was to start a drinking game revolution. I call it ‘Sincounters,’” said Caine. Caine proceeded to explain the logistics of the game. “Whenever Encounters gets boring, which is like every day, I whip out my flask and start playing. It’s really simple. You just take a swig whenever someone utters one of the top five most popular words to say in Encounters,” said Caine. Caine collaborated with her best friend, stats nerd Megan Tanner, who sent out a survey to the first-year class in order to collect accurate data. Tanner then compiled a list of the top five most commonly used words in Encounters. “Well, ‘society’ is by far the most popular word. Our data shows us that 32 percent of the time a student will start out by saying something like, ‘The problem with society is...’ and then proceed to offer a slightly offensive generalization about all of American culture,” said Tanner. Some of the other most pop-
ular words and phrases to say in Encounters include “Sorry, I didn’t do the reading,” “literally” and “dichotomy.” When asked if they actually knew what the word “dichotomy” means, several first-years responded with convoluted answers. “I’m not really sure what it means, but when I use it I sound hella smart,” said Jeremy Mack. Straight-A student Francis Channing was more confident. “Oh, it obviously means two lobotomies. If you just break the word down into parts, it makes total sense. Trust me, I learned about this in linguistics,” said Channing. Perhaps the most surprising word that consistently showed up in Tanner’s data was “penis.” Class clown Eric Wanton explained the word’s puzzling popularity.
“We also play the penis game in class, so it racks up a lot of points. It’s really fun to combine it with Sin-counters,” said Wanton. When asked about the greater implications of playing the penis game in class, Wanton could only reply with one word. “Penis! Penis! Penis!” shouted Wanton. Administrators and professors are deeply concerned not only about how this will affect students’ academic performance, but also about the moral implications of Sin-counters. “We do not condone in-class drinking, but we fear that students will turn to marijuana if we outlaw Sin-counters,” said Encounters Professor Aaron Wright. Sin-counters will continue to be an integral part of the first-year experience until the administration comes to a decision about how to stop the revolution.
Shakespeare Crossword Puzzle Clues: Across 2. Turns into an ass 5. Prospero’s slave 6. Oldest daughter of 16-Across 8. This Athenian gives away his money and regrets it. Nothing else happens in this play. 10. The Moor’s wife 11. In love with Hamlet (probably) 14. Viola’s brother 16. The fictional King 17. Hermia’s childhood friend 18. Something is rotten in this state
Down 1. People refer to his love story, not knowing it’s a tragedy 2. “Et tu, _____?” 3. Juliet’s cousin 4. Not actually a hunchback 6. Like Rosencrantz, this guy is dead. 7. Younger sister of 6-Across 9. Shares a name with the bird in Aladdin 11. This character is a dog. Literally, though. 12. Please don’t say his name in a theater 13. All’s Well That ____ Well 15. Notoriously Jewish character
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