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Feb
6
2014
Obama adds American football to 2014 Winter Olympic Games
n light of the recent controversy surrounding Russian President Vladimir Putin’s homophobic policies, President Obama decided to add the Super Bowl to the 2014 Olympic lineup without consulting the International Olympic Committee. Critics condemned the move as a desperate act of patriotism. Obama refuted these claims, however, stating that the decision was a noble act of nonviolent protest. Olympic athlete Shauna Lopez supported this decision. “What better way to protest Putin and celebrate homosexuality than by watching men in tights tackle each other?” she said. Whitman College firstyear James Sox, a devoted Denver Broncos fan, agreed. “American football has always promoted a culture of acceptance. From the irreparable head injuries to the spraytanned cheerleaders, football is essentially a symbol of unconditional love and freedom. Frankly, I’m puzzled as to why the International Olym-
pic Committee is so upset. They should be thanking us,” he said. When questioned about the controversy surrounding Rutgers cornerback Jevon Tyree, who quit his football team earlier this year due to bullying, Sox dismissed the case as a simple mix up. “There has never been any culture of homophobia, racism or sexism in football, and there never will be. This case of ‘bullying,’ as you call it, was a complete misunderstanding,” said Sox. American citizens also applauded President Obama’s decision. A recent poll showed that 98 percent of Americans view the Super Bowl as the most progressive television program of the year, citing GoDaddy’s 2013 Super Bowl commercial as an excellent representation of unconventional gender roles. Professor Miles Roger was not surprised by Americans’ positive responses. “Football fosters a culture of equality. The men can sit on the couch and watch other powerful men play sports for hours, while
the women can cook for them and be inspired by the sexy cheerleaders that are featured for a few minutes. I hope that this television program, which obviously condemns heteronormativity and supports equality, will help convince Putin to change his conservative policies,” said Roger. Though the International Olympic Committee refused to recognize the Super Bowl as a formal part of the 2014 Winter Olympics, Americans were not deterred. A makeshift torch was passed around the football field while drunken Broncos and Seahawks fans donned a rainbow of red, white and blue in order to support the cause. “If we can bring two American sports teams together in their love for equality and light beer, then the possibilities are really endless. Adding the Super Bowl to the Olympics shows Putin that Americans will not accept his derogatory policies,” said Jane Young, president of the Whitman Progressives Club.
Winter sport? True or false! Curling: Players push an object on ice with a broom, using the forces of ice and not directly touching the object itself. Quidditch on Ice: This game first joined in 2010. It’s magical and slippery, and it involves brooms on an ice rink.
Skeleton: Athletes zoom down a hill on a tiny sled, hoping not to be jettisoned off because they have no steering or braking mechanism.
Rhythmic Ice Gymnastics: This game is a summer favorite turned frosty, involving the skill of balancing on ice while dancing through hoops with ribbons.
Toboggan: This game is the same as skeleton, but on a curved J-shaped toboggan.
Biathlon: This is sprinting and shooting guns in one wild race.
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Winter sports
t’s finally here, the time for which we’ve all been waiting: the Winter Olympics. I know this year I will be curled up on my couch, wrapped in a blanket and wearing a parka, mittens and ski mask, sipping hot cocoa while watching my favorite winter sporter duke it out for the bronze, silver and frozen, I mean golden, medal. What sports will I be watching, you ask? While the classics, such as luge and curling (who can say no to a sport in which a household chore is part of the competition?), are great, they are certainly not my favorites to watch. Of course I will be watching the most rigorous sport: the ice javelin competition, where the most fearless competitors race to find the largest possible icicles while scaling cliffs and skiing down mountains back to the javelin range, where they will attempt to im-
pale snowmen through the head. And, without a doubt, I will be watching everybody’s favorite sport, even if it has parental advisory warnings for being the most brutal and violent sport featured in the Winter Olympics: competitive team snowball fighting. A little known fact about the sport is that it was almost banned from the Olympics following the 1998 “Yellow Snowball Scandal.” The event featuring the oldest Olympians is my favorite event: the traditional sweater knitting sprint, also known as the TSKS. This fast-paced race to the hem lasts just under 48 hours of nonstop needle-to-needle action as the world’s most skilled grandmothers knit their nation’s traditional sweater patterns. I have my money on the winner of the 2010 Winter Games: Francis McClaggen, 72, the youngest gold medalist of the TSKS, taking her first win for a gorgeous Fair Isle wool sweater.
World geography crossword
Answers: F: Quidditch on Ice, Rhythmic Ice Gymnastics, Toboggan (T and F)
This week’s theme is world geography! Across: 1. Location of the 2008 Olympics 4. Country with capital city called Phnom Penh 7. French-speaking Canadian province 9. Landlocked country surrounded entirely by landlocked countries 11. Mt. Everest location 14. Small landlocked country surrounded by its only neighbor 16. Democracy in Southern Africa 19. Not Constantinople 20. Enormous canal 21. Continent with the highest average elevation Down: 1. Capital of Venezuela
2. This river flows to the Dead Sea 3. Cote d’______ 5. Guatemala claims this country as its own 6. Largest island on the planet 7. Saudi Arabia’s neighbor 8. Earth’s largest inland sea 10. Historic Polish city 11. Huge South American mountain range 12. Parisian river 13. Lisbon’s location 15. Finnish capital 16. Beethoven’s birthplace 17. Japanese metropolis 18. Least populous U.S. state Answers will be posted online next week. If you have feedback or suggestions for puzzle themes, please email bergnh@whitman.edu.
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Olympic haikus Alpine skiing
Luge
Oh, look, they can turn! What an important ski skill That I do not have ...
In qualifiers I discovered the sad truth. Ice luge: not a sport
Biathlon
Nordic combined
Glittering landscapes Broken only by ski tracks Shit, she’s got a gun!
Everyone has jumped And I’m packing up to leave. But we’re not done. Shit.
Bobsledding Let’s all admit it We would not care about this Without “Cool Runnings.” Cross Country Skiing This entire sport Is now, sadly, obsolete. Thanks, snowmobiles. Curling
Short-track speed skating When offered tickets You should always say, “Oh, no” If it’s not Ono.
You’re going headfirst Down a really long canal. Wait till Freud hears this. Ski jumping When they go 90: win gold. When I go 90: suspended license.
Figure skating
Snowboarding
So you’re asking me Who cries at figure skating? Only real men.
Alright, we give up To make the Olympics hip We’ll let stoners in.
To be quite honest, We included this sport so Canada can win.
Student/Alumni networking events hosted strategically in the most high-demand locations for jobs and internships
Skeleton
If this is a sport, Then I’m the queen of England BRING ME MY CRUMPETS!
Ice hockey
WHITTIES HELPING WHITTIES
Speed skating Running fast is hard So let’s tie knives to our shoes And do it on ice.
February 25th->>Whitman **OVER SPRING BREAK** March 25th->> San Francisco March 26th->>Portland March 27th->> Seattle