BACKPAGE
PAGE
8
How to have the best spring break ever!!!!
H
ave no idea what to do over spring break? Have no fear! As everyone knows, the best solution for any type of confusion is to view a Hollywood film on the mystifying topic. Over the years, film has taught me so many incredibly valuable lessons. “Iron Man 2” showed me that women can fight crime as long as they wear low-cut, black spandex suits. “Alice in Wonderland” taught me that if I ever want to make a Disney movie, then I should trip on acid. Finally, “High School Musical” helped me to realize that when I get emotional, I’m supposed to break out into spontaneous song and dance. Who knew? I sure didn’t! (Insert tap dancing here). Since I had no idea what to do over spring break, I turned to “Spring Breakers” for some guidance. It was a really insightful film that allowed me to reevaluate my own plans. I was contemplating doing a service trip, but “Spring Breakers” showed me that I should actually focus on drugs, tanning oil and money. Here are
some basic tips so that you too can have the best spring break ever. 1. If you are at all cool, you should wear a bikini at all times during your break. I don’t care if it’s nighttime or if you’re vacationing in the North Pole. A bathing suit is an absolute must. As James Franco’s character Alien said, “Bikinis and big booties—that’s what it’s all about.” Preach. 2. You need money. If you do not possess said money, then you must steal it from a local restaurant. Don a pink ski mask and stick up the place with a plastic squirt gun. I know it sounds ridiculous, but speaking from personal experience, it totally works. Once you get said money, you must proceed to lick it and rub it all over your body. If you do not like the taste of money, then I suggest marinating it in Sriracha and Brewer’s yeast—both of which can be found in the dining halls.
of
3. Drugs. Lots and lots drugs. Preferably cocaine.
4. Spend some time in jail. It’s a super fun way to (bail) bond with your friends. Nothing screams “besties for life” quite like matching prison tats. If jail time does not fit into your busy schedule, then maybe spring break just isn’t for you. 5. The most important thing to keep in mind is cultural appropriation. As James Franco’s Alien shows, the spring break experience is not complete without stealing from other peoples’ cultures and making them your own. Before I saw the film, I was so unaware of how necessary cultural appropriation is if you want to have the most fun spring break ever. Thank you, “Spring Breakers.” 6. Finally, if worse comes to worst, listen to Vanessa Hudgens’s character, Candy: “Just pretend it’s a video game.” She’s so young and yet so wise.
This spring break, I am going to ______________ (suburb of Seattle). I am _____________ (adjective) to see my _____________ (family member), but even more _____________ (adjective) to see my ___________ (type of pet). I am going to ____________ (verb) a lot of __________ (crappy TV show), _____________ (verb) plenty of ____________ (Encounters text) and ___________ (verb) way too much _____________ (brand of cheap beer). I’m a little _________ (adjective) to ____________ (verb) my ex-___________(location on the gender spectrum)-friend, but I can’t wait to ___________ (verb) my ___________ (noun). But, obviously I’m most ____________ (adjective) for the day I return to Whitman.
Spring break dos, don’ts, maybes?
D
Don’t tell, you know, a gross stranger you love them.
Don’t let your parents realize you have learned how to cook for yourself.
Do hike in the woods!
Do get that tattoo you’ve always wanted!
Do road trip with friends—no better time than now! Don’t play Russian roulette with the hitmen from the local Tong.
Don’t miss out on quality time with friends.
Don’t burn it down.
Do let her go. Because you only know your lover if you do it. Don’t let it go. The rest of us want to enjoy our warm break. Talkin’ to you, Elsa. Don’t worry about anything all day. Don’t waste your time on bad books. Do paint your naked body red and writhe in the middle of a mall yelling “Fascism! Fascism!” Do booty call!
V
Life of Mammals’ on Netflix.”female junior biology major “Having my mom do my laundry” - male first-year “Visiting my high school.”female first-year “Drinking to forget my impending thesis deadline and wide open and endless future.” - senior “Eating.” everyone
Don’t spend break in your uncle’s abandoned cabin in the woods where all those people in that cult were found dead, but it’s totally fine. Let’s not bring cell phones! Do spend a day eating whatever you want without worrying about your weight!
Don’t wake up in a Bugatti—regardless of newness.
Students list plans for weeks of relaxation
Don’t fax anyone a picture of your butt.
Do make a paper hat and wear it all day.
Do see a concert of a band you’ve never heard of.
to San Diego, [Calif.] to absorb some sun rays, which have been absent from here for five months.” - dejected female senior “I’m going to finish my philosophy reading that was assigned two weeks ago!” - excited female first-year “A lot of people are going to cool places like Hawaii. But my plan is to watch ‘The
13 2014
Spring break Mad Lib
o spend all day in bed.
oices of the community: “Starting ‘House of Cards.’ Right now it’s like I’m living under a rock. I can’t communicate with anyone else because that’s all they ever talk about!”- female sophomore “I’m planning on tweeting my 1000th tweet.”- male junior “The highlight of my break will definitely be going home
MAR
Do go out to ice cream for breakfast! You deserve it. Don’t flush rubidium.
Do strawberries! Don’t forget about the campfire! And s’mores! Don’t kill the Starks. It will all end in disaster. I can tell already. Do watch “Downton Abbey.” What a great show! Do have a dance party with your friends and chat roulette—see how people respond. Don’t wander into the desert at night and go on a journey past Orion and deep into your own being, returning eventually to your body but never really coming back. You can never come back. You’ll always be there. Suspended in the void... Lost in emptiness... Do punch a shark in the nose! Do cuddle with your pets.
Do go see a movie all by yourself.
Don’t tell anyone I’m here. Please. Just act like you don’t see me.
Don’t feel guilty about doing nothing.
Do go skinny dipping!
Do patronize all your friends from home. It must be so easy being so unaware!
Do go fishing, but release everything you catch.
Do make your favorite food.
Do weep softly into your drink at a seedy roadside bar. If anyone asks what’s wrong, just whisper the word “Argentina” and look away.
Don’t drink 70 percent vodka with Russian whalers in the ceaseless darkness of the Arctic winter.
Do tell a stranger you love them.
Do Miyazaki marathon!
Do learn a new and useless skill.
ADVERTISEMENT
COMPETE for the Jobs YOU WANT! MA in Management with an emphasis in Social and Sustainable Management Seattle Pacific University offers an innovative, 11-month graduate business degree for any major.
spu.edu/massm