The Pioneer
This page is full of jokes!
Issue 13 May 6, 2010 Page 12
Historical stoners Weed has been around forever. Since the dawn of human history, people have been getting high and doing amazing shit. Here are a few famous historical figures who were high most of the time and the greatest contributions to society they came up with while baked.
Thomas Edison
Contribution: The Light Bulb Frustrated by attempts to roll the world’s largest joint by candlelight in an era when joints were constructed out of a combination of petroleum gel, straw and gasoline, Edison sought to create a non-flammable source of luminescence. The light bulb cleared the way for weed enthusiasts of the future to roll their massive joints in safety.
Benjamin Franklin
Contribution: Electricity Of course Ben Franklin smoked weed. Why would anyone ever go out in the rain to fly a kite? Contrary to popular belief, Franklin’s original intent with the kite experiment was to build what he called a “lightning bong.” To this day, no one knows exactly what that would have entailed.
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Cosmo spliffs
So you’re dating a stoner—sorry, spliff enthusiast. How are you supposed to know whether it’s going to be smooth sailing or a rocky road especially when his face doesn’t express any sort of emotion other than when he’s giggling like a fourth grade girl who’s just heard a dirty joke? Here’s Cosmo’s guide to what your man’s spliff says about him. The HalfSmoked Spliff: At least he finished!
Winston Churchill
Contribution: The Term “Iron Curtain” Churchill visited Roosevelt’s White House in 1945 for what Roosevelt had hoped to be a productive discussion on Stalin’s violent rise to power. Instead, Churchill’s trip turned out to be a seven day toke-fest, during which he refused to work on anything except his “Cozy Fort”—a velvety castle of bedsheets and historical couch cushions that he created the middle of the oval office. Frustrated by the president’s refusal to join him and spy on the secret service agent at the door, Churchill referred to Roosevelt as “an iron curtain of emotion.”
Grok, famous caveman inventor
Contribution: Fire, the Wheel, Agriculture. Struck dumb by the deluge of thoughts and ideas that Grok experienced after consuming a strange green plant, he immediately embarked on the greatest creative spree of pre-history. He created fire because it was awesome to look at, the wheel so he could gather more plants at a single time and agriculture to satisfy his intense craving for what anthropologists describe as “munchies.”
stoners
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The New York Cougar Spliff: This spliff tells you that one time, your man picked up a prostitute while on his “business” trip with his “friends” from “work” in New York and couldn’t pay her in cash so he paid her in spliffs!
The Sphere joint: Your boyfriend is psychologically dependent on a drug called cannabis. Measures should be taken to avoid the deterioration of his mental health.
Masturbation
Look at this frightening data, collected over the course of a single study. This is your masturbation frequency on weed:
The Crucispliff: Are you religious? Great, because this guy dedicates each of his toking seshes to Jesus Christ. Are you anti-religious? Great! This guy burns a cross at each of his toking seshes.
The No-Crutch Spliff: Loose Structure Spliff= spontaneous and lover of beach walks!
WARNING:
If you smoke weed, you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP MASTURBATING!
The Crab Spliff: It’s not that he has crabs, but he might have crabs!
The Chrysalis Spliff: Oh honey, if you find your boy smoking one of these, you’re in for a treat! This spliff tells you that your man’s really coming into his own as a spliff connoisseur. Sure, his drug dealer’s always calling him while you two are getting down and dirty (git it gurl!) and sure your man can list his top 10 favorite types of weed (Purple Skunk, Bubble Bud . . .) and the their chromosomal differences but constantly forgets that you’re vegan and sure one time he bought a $400 water bong from Humboldt as a self-birthday gift and then bought you $99 heart shaped pendant from Kay Jewelers without the chain for your birthday and then proceeded to offer you the $50 rebate coupon but all that means is that your man knows how to commit. He knows how to commit to a little someone we like to call Mary Jane. Or schwag. Or Bud. Or cannabis. Or just marijuana, is really what we technically call it. Addicted? No. Committed? Yes.
illustrations by E. johnson
Non-Urban Outfitters
In an effort to expand their profits, Urban Outfitters has recently opened up a new set of stores in non-urban areas. As CEO Tek Shoemaker claims, “We want to re-invent what it means to be ‘rural’ as un-ironically ironical as possible.” The Pio recently got an exclusive look at the new Non-Urban Outfitters catalogue:
Marijuana Use This is your masturbation ON POT.
Evolution of a
National Enquirer headline Have you ever wondered how the National Enquirer writes such good headlines? How they turn bland story ideas into stories so compelling they almost seem too good to be true? Well, in a recent investigation, we uncovered the extensive editing process that goes into a National Enquirer headline. Students face stress of higher tuition, work-study cuts “Stress” isn’t really dramatic enough. Get inside the students’ heads. What do they feel?
a. Dave Egger’s Tractor Manual $50.00 From the writer of “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” and the screenwriter of “Where the Wild Things Are” comes the literary masterpiece of the “2011 Ford Tractor Manual.” Eggers deconstructs the idea of “manual” to redefine how tractors operate. He raises such brilliant questions as: What is clutch? Where is the transmission? What is a tractor? b. Ironic T-shirt: OBAMA IS MY HOMEBOY $29.99 Wink. Wink. c. Pitchfork Media Pitchfork $500.00 This Pitchfork “sponsored” product comes with the guarantee to make your next hay clearing a 9.8! d. Diesel Jean Presents UnLeaded Fuel $300.00/Gallon Give your truck an extra “boost” with Diesel brand fuel. It’s not cocaine. e. The “Confederate” Flag $100.00 f. The Blunt Axe $250.00 g. The Apathetic Horse $1,000.00
I think the higher tuition and cuts were a surprise. Let’s incorporate that.
Students face surprise horror of higher tuition, work-study cuts Students face surprise horror of higher tuition, massacre of work-study cuts
f. c.
I think that “work-study cuts” and “tuition” are implied.
Students face surprise horror, massacre
Let’s delete the “horror;” it’s redundant. And I feel that this would be much more compelling if, instead of facing a massacre, the students went on a massacre.
Students go on surprise massacre
But does anyone really care what students do? Really?
Aliens go on surprise massacre, killing hundreds Almost. I just feel like it’s missing something . . .
Mummy aliens go on surprise massacre, killing hundreds
Damluji
e.
Students face horror of higher tuition, work-study cuts
Heighten the “work-study cuts” to make people more concerned. I want to feel the fear!!!
g.
BULLION and lerchin