The Pioneer
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Bringing You To the Verge Of Laughter Since 1922
Issue 5 Oct 14, 2010 Page 8
Bears in the Workplace
Of course, we all know (or should know) about the famous Soldier Bear of WWII. He was trained by the Polish Army as a cub and became a loyal, tough, cigarette-eating, beer-drinking, killing machine, and his story has charmed people around the world to this day. But did you know that there are literally DOZENS of other professional bears who have helped shape our world today? Here are some of their stories:
Abolitionist Bear
Theodore Browning was a bear of English origin who was one of the most influential figures in the fight to end slavery in America. He is perhaps best known for his rousing speech presented to the Plantation Alliance of Tennessee in 1852. Few people know that he was also one of Harriet Beecher Stowe’s closest friends and influences.
Bias against class of ‘13 confirmed
A Whitman administration intern recently asked of the administration, “Hey boss lady, which one of the years is your favorite?” To which administration formally responded, “Young intern, I love ALL my years equally! Class of 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, they’re all my favorite!” The representative smiled and continued doing administrative jobs. The intern could tell “boss lady” was a “liar.” In hot pursuit of the true favorite Whitman class, the intern found documents laying out past, current and future adminis trative and academic discrepancies that indefinitely prove who is Whitman’s least favorite class. Here are intern’s results:
TOP SECRET
whitman administrati
ve offices
I don't care much for Whitman Class of 2013
Dentist Bear
Proposed Summer Book Reading: “The Last Town on Earth” by Thomas Mullen Comments: “Everyone loves” reading about the flu. MWAHAHAHA.
Dr. Dave Moriarty is my dentist. He was the first licensed bear dentist in California, as well as the first dentist to encourage circular brushing rather than back-and-forth in order to promote gum health.
Soldier Bear in action
Inventor Bear
Johann Johnson was the Swedish inventor of the world’s first modern vacuum cleaner in 1866. This achievement has been mistakenly attributed to Ives McGaffey for years by historians, but it was recently discovered that he actually “Watson and Crick-ed” this discovery from Johnson after seeing his machines in Johnson’s Stockholm shop.
Field Scientist Bear
In 1911 Bethany Donalds became the first biologist to ever record the speed that a cheetah can run. This fact has since been recited by elementary school students to their friends and parents all over the world. (It is 70 mph, in case you have somehow forgotten.) When he introduced her to accept her Nobel Prize, Albert Einstein said of Donalds, “We in the science community all admire the way that she was able to make those cheetahs feel like she was one of them. She accomplished something that no other human or bear scientist has been able to before. After literally years of acting like a cheetah in front of them, they finally trusted her enough to run.”
Advertising Bear
Donald Drapebear was the real name of the Madison Avenue maverick that inspired the popular AMC show “Mad Men”. This bear fucked so many women.
Instituted Proposed Summer Gift Basket: Whitman will send vials containing different viruses and bacteria including flu and meningitis instead of a crate of onions. Comments: They will be exposed to it in time! Don’t be too hasty my child.
Denied Proposed Registration Change: In 2010, as ‘13-ers become sophomores, upperclassmen priority revoked. Comments: We’ll have to think of something to keep them from having priority when they’re actually upperclassmen, but we’ll “cross” that bridge when we come to it.
Instituted
Proposed Housing Change: All ‘13-ers required to live in basement of North Hall. Their rooms will be the pull out freezers previously used in the morgue to preserve dead corpses; now it’ll kind of just look like a Japanese business hotel. Comments: Let’s hold off on this one until we can find another place to store all the extra staplers that we refuse to disperse around campus.
Pending Review
Stay-at-home-mother Bear
Anyone who says it’s not a full-time job should try it sometime!! Marjorie Campbell was voted “Best Mom” in 1991 by her two children, who are half bear, half human. She is now a proud grandmother and loving it.
Surf Bear
Lacie Michaels competed in her first national surf competition in Oahu in 2003. Her success in a field dominated by human men has been an inspiration to other girl bears across the globe. Even after losing a paw to a great white shark in Santa Cruz last year, Lacie has gotten back on the board and won several regional championships since then. Surf legend Kelly Slater said of fellow waverider and rumored ex-girlfriend Lacie Michaels, “She commands the waves in a way that very few people can. God, she is just so beautiful!!!”
Proposed Summer Reading 2.0: All ‘13ers must read the “K” section of the Encyclopedia by graduation and be prepared to pass an oral exam on all matters, nuances, and tensions presented in the book. Comments: Is there a more boring letter than “K”?
Pending Review Proposed Graduation Plans: Because of “bad economy” and the loss of so much “endowment,” graduation for the Class of 2013 will be combined with graduation for Class of 2014 and will be held in 2014. Comments: The economy is so bad.
Pending Review
‘Animorph’ on campus stirs controversy Dentist Bear
Advertising Bear
Jake Berenson, 19, is like most Whitman stu- newly hired Dean of Polymorphic Affairs. dents his age. He rock climbs on the weekends, “We’d also like to take this opportunity to reis an active member of the T-Tones (Whitman’s mind all Whitman students that our sexual haall-male a capella group) and loves to spend rassment policy extends to humans assuming sunny afternoons on Ankeny playing covers the forms of animals, including but not limited of “Santeria” on guitar with his pledge broth- to dogs, bears and all primates. If you see a red ers. But Jake has another talent that is making dot situation in progress, you should always many members of the Whitman community intervene--even if it seems awkward or if one “beary” apprehensive. of the people involved is assuming the shape of “It just really pissa bear.” es me off when Jake President George morphs into a golden Bridges also addressed the retriever and humps presence of Animorphs on girls legs to impress campus in a Q&A session his retarded friends,” in Cordiner Hall. says Becky Coleman, a “As a fellow bipedal sophomore art major. human earth male who “It was, like, kind of enjoys regular consumpfunny the first time, but tion of plant and animal -Jef-Chad Bearfield ‘12 he won’t stop doing it.” matter for subsistence, I Others feel differfind your human response ently. Jef-Chad Bearirrelevant. Soon our Yerk field, junior and one of Jake’s pledge brothers, armies will infiltrate your puny human fleshsays, “Jake is the fucking shit, bro! This one sacks and force you to build our empire upon time time he was doing a keg stand, and started the ruins of your own. Now if you’ll excuse me, transforming into a bear while he was drink- I must excrete these vile organic substances, ing and we all just fucking LOST IT. It was the which I do regularly as a fellow human.” funniest shit ever. He was all like ‘I’m good to As for Jake, he doesn’t understand what all drive bro’, but he was still kind of a bear and to- the fuss is about. tally sloshed so it was like ‘IARRGH GOORGH “People, like at Whitman? Why wouldn’t DRAVE BRAAGH.’ Best function ever.” they? I’m awesome! It’s like, uh, can you turn School officials have already begun to lay out into a dog? Yeah, I didn’t think so, bitch! Maybe some ground rules for Jake’s morphing abili- once you get some awesome Hork-Bajir budties. dies you can talk shit! You losers are more “Students aren’t allowed to morph in dorm whiny than that Tobias bitch I used to hang out hallways, but they may morph in the privacy with, back before I had real friends like J-Chad. of their dorm room,” says Veronica Dealy, the Fucking pussies!”
This one time he was doing a keg stand, and started transforming into a bear, and we all just... LOST IT.
Stay-at-home-mother Bear
Surf Bear
New Tea Party Heroes
Hey gang! It’s getting kind of hard to keep track of the Tea Party movement these days, what with all these new figureheads and spokespersons popping up all over the place. In order to avoid public confusion, we present to you a list of all the newest Tea Party heroes along with a few credentials we pulled off their websites just so you know they’re the “real deal.” Keep a look out, and make sure you don’t mix them up! They tend to take that kind of thing personally.
“Minuteman” Steve
– Graduated from Liberty University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Science; claims to speak for the entire Tea Party Movement.
“Stars and Stripes” Sandy
– Graduated from University of America, with a BA in Kicking Ass and Taking Names.
“Fiscal Responsibility” Phillip
– Graduated from USQ. Majored in Voodoo Economics with a minor in Spooky Literary Analysis.
“Predator Drones” Pete
– Regular attendee of San Diego Comic-Con.
“Free Markets” Fred
– Has read the whole Bible twice (both testaments!).
Glenn “Glenn Beck” Beck
– Once awarded a BAFTA for most gratuitous and embarrassing fake tears.
Bobby “Flags!” – Flags!
“Anchor Baby” Bertha
– Attended University of Common Sense (UCS) for one semester; can sense anchor babies from four states away.
“Mama Grizzly” Marty
– An actual Kodiak grizzly bear, trained by Sarah Palin’s staff to attack environmentalists on sight.
“No Taxation without RepresenTanya”
– No experience, doesn’t claim to know anything about the Tea Party’s cause or platform. Just a catchy name and enough sass to choke a pig!
Photo courtesy of good-times.webshots.com