Whitman Pioneer - Spring 2010 Issue 8

FREE TIBET?

ASWC ELECTIONS

SEEING DOUBLE

Columnist Gary Wang takes a second look after journey to Tibet

Position descriptions and platforms for upcoming Executive Council race

Whitman twins bring camaraderie, not competition, to college life

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WHITMAN COLLEGE Walla Walla, WA Volume CXXVI Issue 8 whitmanpioneer.com A , 

Tuition to increase

Tuition and room and board charges for the 2010-11 academic year will increase five percent, bringing the price of a Whitman education to just under $50,000.

by JOSH GOODMAN Associate News Editor

STREET MAP COURTESY OF GOOGLE In line with the national trend, Walla Walla has seen a surge in gang!related crime over the past year including acts of violence and drug trafficking. In March alone, police have made arrests in four individual crimes linked to local gangs.

Gang activity on the rise

by JOCELYN RICHARD News Editor

“Gangs are like the plague. They’re brought to a certain part of the country when you are trying to run away from them, but you end up bringing them with you,” said former gang memberturned-community activist Federico Diaz. “They say you can leave a gang but the gang will never leave you.”

A surge of gang-related crime this year has shed light on the growth of organized crime in Walla Walla. During the month of March alone, Walla Walla police have reported four individual incidents of crime linked to local gangs.

On March 7, two teenagers sustained injuries during an altercation with rival gang members who beat them with baseball bats. The following weeks saw a repeated act of violence by the members of rival gangs, a vehicle pursuit and a drug raid on the house of gang members

living near Garrison Middle School.

“Even though violent crime is down, the more visible acts committed by gang members is on the rise,” said City of Walla Walla Police Department detective Kevin Bayne, who works with partner Saul Reyna to investigate gang trends and identify potential threats.

“In Walla Walla, we tend to follow the national trend. Right now, gangs are making a resurgence. There’s a push for gangs from the larger municipalities into more rural areas and obviously that would include us.”

Bayne estimates that over 500 people, many of whom are middle- and highschool students, are members of one of the seven gangs currently established in and around the Walla Walla Valley.

“The largest gang is the West Side 18th Street ‘Wicked Gangsters,’” said Bayne.

“The other is the South Side Florencia 13, or ‘Los Malos’—those two are rivals.

They’re both Sureño-style gangs, meaning they emulate Southern Californiastyle gangs. And then the third largest is the East Gate Posse, and they are a home-grown gang; they developed here in Walla Walla.”

He explained that the first gangs arrived to the area during the 1990s after migrants from Southern California reestablished the gangs they had left behind. Nearly 20 years later, the children of the first members are joining gangs after growing up in an environment where gang membership has been a way of life for neighbors, friends and family members.

“I think there’s probably four or five generations of gang membership between 1990 and now,” said Diaz, who serves as a neighborhood coordinator for Commitment to Community, a local organization dedicated to revitalizing GANGS, page 2

A Whitman education is set to have a sticker price of just under $50,000 next year following the Board of Trustees’ approval of a five percent tuition and room and board hike at its winter meeting.

The increase, which raises tuition from $36,620 to $38,450 and standard room and board charges from $9,260 to $9,720, represents a smaller increase from the six and seven percent tuition increases of recent years. ASWC fees remain unchanged at $320, while textbook and supply costs, which vary, can amount to well over $1,000. President Bridges and other administrators worked with the Whitman Budget Advisory Committee, which includes student, faculty and staff representatives, to come up with the new budget and tuition levels.

Much of the tuition increase will go toward hiring for new and unfilled positions. New staff positions include a restored custodian position that was cut last year, a position dedicated to cyber security for WCTS and an additional security officer. In addition, five to 10 vacant faculty positions will be filled.

Faculty and staff will also receive small pay increases after a year with no raises.

“Sixty percent of the Whitman budget involves people, and in an environment like this that is so labor-intensive, if you want to recruit and retain the most talented people, you have to increase their compensation adequately,” said Bridges.

To compensate for the tuition and fee

increases, students receiving need-based financial aid can expect their aid package to increase next year, according to Director of Financial Aid Services Marilyn Ponti. Merit aid will remain largely unchanged.

“For anyone that applies for needbased aid we look at the new budget when calculating need,” Ponti said in an e-mail.

“Therefore, if a student has received a need-based scholarship and their financial circumstances are about the same as last year their scholarship should go up based on the increased budget.”

Still, students remain worried. Sophomore Liz Reetz, co-president of the First Generation/Working Class Students group, said she is concerned about the affordability of Whitman.

“I am concerned about all students’— not just first generation/working class— and their families’ ability to pay,” she said in an e-mail. “Many first generation and working class students just don’t have the access to capital that other students have, so an extra $2,000 is no small amount.

Hopefully, financial aid can continue to make [paying tuition] possible.”

Sophomore Adam Delgado said that it was the continuing trend of tuition increases that had him worried.

“My concern would [be] whether such changes are a slippery slope, and whether we will see tuition increases for the next two years while we are students here,” he said in an e-mail. “If costs continue to rise by almost $3,000 annually, the costs TUITION, page 2

Tuition Fast Facts: -Tuition to increase 5% to $38,450; Room and Board to increase 5% to $9,720.

-Total price of attending Whitman, including tuition, standard room and board, ASWC fees, and estimated books and supplies totals $49,890. Price will exceed $50,000 for students on Meal Plan A or living in a single or College House.

-Tuition increase to fund three new staff positions, fill vacant faculty positions and provide small pay increases to faculty and staff.

-Financial aid budget will increase to reflect the additional need of Whitman families.

E-Justice project a success

by ROSE WOODBURY Staff Reporter

“Personally, the idea of doing something concrete and with my own hands that is both beneficial to local families and the earth was a lot more fulfilling than discussing ways to convince politicians to start caring,” said senior Natalie Popovich of the compact fluorescent light bulb distribution project, the inaugural venture of a new campus group working to promote efficient energy use and environmental health.

The project is the first major undertaking of E-Justice, a subgroup of Campus Climate Challenge co-founded in 2009 by Popovich, seniors Lisa Curtis and Tyler Harvey and junior Elli Matkin.

On March 7, the group leaders teamed up with 28 other Whitman students to travel door-to-door in local Walla Walla neighborhoods, asking residents if they could replace incandescent light bulbs with CFLs. Between this recent excursion and an earlier distribution run in January, E-Justice has installed CFLs in over 100 homes.

“The first house we went to, we were all a little anxious because it was a community we’d never been to before,” said sophomore Katie Radosevic, who will lead E-Justice next semester along with first-year Andrew Gordon. “We changed all the light bulbs in the house and [the family said], ‘You can’t leave, you have to stay for breakfast,’ and they gave us tacos and juice.”

Popovich explained that improving environmental conditions on a global level starts with personal interactions like the one Radosevic engaged in on her run. While replacing inefficient fluorescent light bulbs with CFLs cuts down on a household’s energy use, the E-JUSTICE , page 2

VON HAFFTEN Cori Andriola ‘12 donates blood as part of the Cesar Chavez Blood Drive on Tuesday. Fifty!one students gave blood as part of the drive.

Blood drive gets donations for Walla Walla Haiti

by RACHEL ALEXANDER Staff Reporter

VON HAFFTEN First-years Kate Kunkel-Patterson and Dena Wessel celebrate a doubles victory. With five underclassmen in their line-up, the Missionaries have been dependent on their young talent this season.

Whitman women fall short against defending champs

by BAILEY ARANGO Staff Reporter

The Whitworth University women’s tennis team remained undefeated and on track to repeat as Northwest Conference champions Sunday, March 28, as the visiting Pirates defeated Whitman for the second time this season.

Whitworth, now 12-0 in conference play and 14-3 overall, handed the Mis-

sionaries a 7-2 loss, winning two out of three doubles matches and five out of six singles matches.

Whitworth gained an early advantage in doubles play, as Whitman’s number three duo, first-year Kate Kunkel-Patterson and sophomore Emily Rolston, saw an early lead slip away and lost the day’s first decision, 8-5.

TENNIS, page 8

Fifty-one Whitman students voluntarily surrendered a pint of their blood to the Red Cross on Tuesday, March 30, as part of the Cesar Chavez Blood Drive put on by the Global Awareness House. The blood will be used by hospitals in the greater Walla Walla area; any extra will be shipped to Haiti as part of the Red Cross’ ongoing relief efforts.

Global Awareness House RA Maharin Ahmed said she was motivated to organize the drive for a variety of reasons.

“Part of the expectation of the Global Awareness House is to raise awareness about different issues,” she said. “We decided that this is a good platform for us to help Haiti.”

The blood drive is also critical in that it will benefit the Walla Walla community.

“A lot of surgeries in Walla Walla are depending on this blood drive,” said Ahmed.

Levi Martin, the Red Cross Collections Operation supervisor for the drive, said he can’t guarantee that blood from this specific drive will go to Haiti. The Red Cross has been working to main-

tain adequate levels of blood at all of its blood centers. However, if a center has a surplus of a particular type of blood, that blood will be sent to Haiti.

“We’ll make sure it serves the hospitals here,” he said.

The drive was part of the nationwide Cesar Chavez Blood Drive Challenge, where colleges hold blood drives on or around March 31, Chavez’s birthday. Chavez was a union organizer for the United Farm Workers, and is best remembered for his campaign to boycott California grapes in protest of the labor conditions faced by the migrant farm workers who grew them. Ahmed said one of the purposes of these blood drives is to encourage Latino donors.

“We’re not reaching out to [Latinos] and getting enough of them in,” said Martin.

This is a problem because it creates shortages of certain blood types. Although transfusion recipients can generally accept blood from donors with their blood type, some blood types are more common in certain races. Martin said that A and O type blood is common in the United States, but in many BLOOD DRIVE , page 2

NEWS

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Dorothy Metcalf-Lindenburger ‘97 to launch on space shuttle Discovery

by SCOTT CASSIDY

Apr. 1, 2010A

TUITION: Increase raises concerns

Staff Reporter

Whitman alumna Dorothy M. Metcalf-Lindenburger ‘97 will launch from the Kennedy Space Center on the space shuttle Discovery at 6:21 a.m. EDT on April 5 for a 13-day mission aboard the International Space Station.

Metcalf-Lindenburger, a geology major, began astronaut training in February 2006 and is Whitman’s first astronaut alumna. During the flight, Metcalf-Lindenburger will serve as one of the crew’s five mission specialists. Her

duties include being at the flight deck during spacewalks to guide other astronauts through the procedure and to ensure their safety.

Metcalf-Lindenburger, along with crew members James Dutton and Naoko Yamazaki, is one of the final three rookie astronauts in the space shuttle program. Their mission, STS-131, is the penultimate mission for Discovery and the fourth-to-last for the space shuttle program.

Live coverage of the launch will be broadcast on the NASA website at nasa.gov/ntv.

E. JOHNSON

Here’s what Metcalf-Lindenburger had to say about Whitman in her official preflight interview: “After I graduated from high school I went to Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington. It’s a small liberal arts school in the middle of pretty much nowhere, in like a wheat field, and that was a really great place for me to learn, away from distractions. I went there with the intention of actually studying

math like my mom, but I took a geology course my freshman year, and I thoroughly enjoyed it and decided that’s what I was going to major in.

So, I majored in geology, and spent a lot of time out in the field, did research outside of Yellowstone, and then did my senior thesis outside of Canyon City in Colorado in the

Wet Mountains. Both of those were real different research projects. One was mapping the last glaciation in Yellowstone and the other was mapping 2.5 billion year old rocks.

Pretty different, but those were some really great opportunities that I could be afforded at a small school like that.”

PIO PICKS: A sampling of presentations at annual Undergraduate Conference

by JOSH GOODMAN Associate News Editor

The 12th annual Whitman Undergraduate Conference takes place Tuesday, April 6, and features the work of nearly 200 students. Here is a sample of the offerings: Environment and the Law, Olin 130, 9 a.m.

Topics include using carbon credits to create carbon neutral colleges, reevaluating tax and transportation structures in cities and suburbs to combat global warming and a discussion of how to encourage development of renewable energy options.

Identity and Self-Determination, Kimball Theatre, 10:45 a.m.

Presentations cover the representation of American Indians as sports mascots and the racist stereotypes that result, the legitimacy of Ebonics and how negative perceptions of it affect those who speak it and how GLBTQ individuals use performance privilege to mask their sexual orientation in religious settings.

The Karuk and the Klamath: Four Views, Reid Ballroom B, 2 p.m.

Students will discuss the reasons for endangerment and the conservation implications of mussels in the Klamath River, the possible high levels of heavy metals in foods traditionally eaten by the Karuk tribe and how Karuk medicinal practices have suffered from oppression of the tribe but may now present an opportunity to reinvigorate the tribal community.

Poster Session, Cordiner Hall, 1 p.m.

See over 35 projects in an hour, including the design of enzyme inhibitors to treat cancer and HIV, the onset of attention delays based on socioeconomic status and the effect of toxins in river ecosystems.

Science Matters: Bacteria to Biodiversity, Science 165 (Gaiser), 3:45 p.m.

Topics include using bacteriophages to protect insects from bacteria, methods of measuring biodiversity in marine environments and phage therapy to combat antibacterial resistance.

GANGS: Youngest members have grown up with gangs  page 1 local neighborhoods affected in large part by gang activity. “There are many layers within gangs, and a lot of kids don’t see anything wrong with joining a gang because no one has ever explained to them that it’s wrong or that you’re not going to really be successful in life. You almost don’t see anything wrong with it. You think, ‘This is what I grew up with, I’m just being normal, but society doesn’t accept it.’”

Diaz explained that gang involvement among different generations of family members was likely a factor leading up to the drug raid which took place on March 29. After drug detectives from the Special Teams Unit performed a month-long investigation into drug activity at a house on Willard Street, the police department was granted a warrant to search the residence for drugs, which resulted in the seizure of cocaine and marijuana and the incarceration of a 17-year-old.

“The whole family was involved; the mother was involved in drug dealing,” said Diaz. “They have been in and out of jail since they were young. I don’t think they know anything else outside gang life. It gets to a point where you end up doing something big or get caught with a lot of drugs.”

Bayne echoed Diaz’s assessment that drug activity is the lifeblood of gangs, as drugs sales provide the funds necessary to keep organized crime afloat. Bayne explained that the first wave of gang activity during the late 1980s went hand-in-hand with the rise of cocaine use. While co-

caine and marijuana are still heavily distributed by gangs, in recent years the Walla Walla Valley has seen a rise in demand for methamphetamine, which provides another source of revenue for drug distributors.

“Drugs are easy money, and a lot of the time violence comes into play when gangs fight to gain control over the different streets and drugs that are being distributed,” said Diaz. “You want to make money, you don’t want to work, you want to look like rappers

They have been in and out of jail since they were young. I don’t think they know anything else outside gang life.

-Federico Diaz, Neighborhood Coordinator for Commitment to Community

on MTV, you want respect, you felt like you’ve never had respect—well, this is how you earn it.”

Bayne agreed that in addition to monetary incentives and influence from friends and family, young people are often drawn to gangs because the entertainment industry perpetuates a glamorous image of organized crime.

“Now, we’re seeing that a lot of [gang membership] is still tied to narcotics sales and illegal activity, but you’re also seeing that the media—not the papers, or the news—but movies and music and video games are glamorizing that lifestyle. It’s so popular

right now, it’s unbelievable.”

Though it’s true that gangs are experiencing a second wave of popularity and membership, Bayne and Diaz caution that statistics compiled on gang activity and press releases issued by the police department need to be taken in the proper perspective.

“I think [the appearance of increased gang activity] can be a little misleading,” said Bayne. “[The police department] has recently created a position for a press liaison between the police and the press, so there’s a more efficient transfer of information between us and the press. There is a rise in activity locally, but we’re also doing a better job of getting that information to the media and saying, ‘Hey, this is a gang related crime.’”

Diaz commented that it is sometimes problematic to classify incidents as “gang” crimes because many offenses are only incidentally connected to gangs. Drug deals often fall under this category.

“In gangs, there are really only one or two people up top that have control over everything,” explained Diaz.

“All that gangs are is the lower rung of organized crime or drugs rings. A lot of [the activity] is not even driven by kids here in the city; a lot of it might be driven by folks in the penitentiary that have nothing to do with gangs but need people to distribute drugs.”

Nevertheless, gang activity is still on the rise in Walla Walla and will likely continue to grow.

“I think that the rivals are very active right now and like I said, it’s the popular thing do to,” said Bayne. “It’s shown no signs of slowing down right now.”

 page 1 [during senior year] will be considerably more expensive than when we entered the college.”

Junior Kate Pringle, who works in the Financial Aid Office, said she thinks her family won’t be affected by the higher tuition because of the increased budget for financial aid.

“I don’t think it will have any effect on my family’s situation, mostly because I have faith in our financial aid department to meet the need of students who can’t afford the higher cost,” she said in an e-mail. “I think that we take for granted that our financial aid system meets every student where they’re at.”

Bridges acknowledged that tuition could also be troublesome for families receiving little or no financial aid.

“I realize that $50,000 per year for an education is an astonishing amount of money,” he said.

Pringle said having a tuition level that high to begin with is troubling, though she realizes the need to increase it nonetheless.

“What I really wish is that private education wouldn’t be quite so expensive, but it is what it is right now,” she said. “I don’t want it to increase any more than the next

person, but I understand that sometimes it has to happen to keep the school running.”

Bridges said the need for such high tuition stems from the way liberal arts colleges function.

“We have a labor-intensive model of education that relies very heavily on close interactions between professors and students in a residential setting. By its very nature this [is] expensive.”

Still, Bridges said the college is doing what it can to limit the cost.

He said the college is evaluating how to reallocate resources, defer some maintenance projects and pursue new ways of reducing paper and energy use.

He is also concerned that the costreduction efforts and financial aid won’t be enough for some families.

“I’m always concerned about families who, despite our efforts to provide adequate financial aid, can’t afford the college,” he said. “I came from a family that couldn’t [have afforded] to send me to this college.”

Even so, Bridges said there’s no end in sight to the annual tuition increases.

“As our costs go up, tuition will rise unless we can find significant new efficiencies in how we deliver education.”

BLOOD DRIVE: Latino donors encouraged  page 1 other countries, other types would be more prevalent. In addition, people who receive many transfusions can become sensitive to blood antigens and need a more specific donor match. For these more specific matches, it’s difficult to supply blood for Latinos and other people of color with white donors.

Ahmed said that she had partnered with Club Latino members to reach out to Walla Walla’s Latino community and encourage them to donate.

Another critical component of the drive were the student volunteers, including several from the Student Health Advisory Committee, who signed in donors and monitored the canteen area, where juice and snacks are served to those who had given blood.

SHAC President Fritz Siegert said he was volunteering to support the drive and promote health.

“I’ve given blood in the past, and I think it’s a really amazing thing to literally give something of yourself to help someone else,” he satid.

Several other SHAC members also volunteered at the drive. Siegert felt that helping with a blood drive fits in with the club’s larger mission.

“The biggest point of SHAC is raising health awareness,” he said. For him, that extends to looking out for other people’s health if you’re in a position to do so.

First-year Henry Gales said that for him, donating blood was a simple way to help someone else.

“The people who the blood’s going to need it more than I do,” he said.

E-J USTICE: Visits encourage dialogue  page 1 method of installing the bulbs in person is important because it gives the residents a chance to learn about the goals and reasons behind the bulb swap.

“That tangible, physical action [of going into the home and installing the light bulb] is crucial to getting people personally invested in any cause,” Popovich said. “It encourages a lot more interaction and discussion with the families about what we’re doing and why.”

She added that the group was informed by research indicating that installing bulbs in person is more beneficial than other methods of distribution, like dropping off bulbs or providing bulbs for pick-up, because it enforces positive habits regarding energy use and better ensures the bulbs are installed correctly.

“We went by previous research that had determined that handinstalling the bulbs prevented the chance that people would forget to do it later . . . we could also be

accountable for each bulb’s functionality, and assure that all the old incandescent bulbs were recycled,” Popovich said.

For Harvey, getting involved in the project provides a rare opportunity to see different walks of life and learn more about local residents’ experiences.

“For us Whitties, the chance to interact with people whose experience in Walla Walla is pretty darn different from ours and who we might otherwise miss in our four years here is a unique one, and the project offers community members smaller energy bills,” he said.

Radosevic agrees, commenting that the project not only benefits student volunteers but also benefits the community at large by helping residents become more receptive to the idea of making energy-conserving changes to their lifestyles.

“They were so welcoming and grateful to us,” she said of the first family they visited. “The project seems rewarding for all the people involved as well as for the environment.”

ADVERTISMENT

ASWC ELECTION

Apr. 1, 2010

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VOTING INFORMATION The Executive Council Election will take place this upcoming Monday, April 5. The polls will open at 12:01 a.m. and will close at 8:00 p.m. All eligible voters will receive an e-mail from the ASWC Oversight Chair with a link to the voting site. Results will be posted to ASWC’s Web site (goaswc.org) as well as e-mailed to the student body via the student listserv by the morning of Tuesday, April 6.

Election 2010 POSITION DESCRIPTIONS President The President is the executive leader of ASWC. He or she leads the Senate and Executive Council and often works with Senate committees on internal and external policy issues. The President represents ASWC publicly by presenting ASWC policies to current students, faculty, staff and alumni.

He or she also liaises with students, faculty and the administration on the government’s behalf.

Vice President and Student Affairs Chair The Student Affairs Chair leads the Student Affairs committee which is responsible for advocating for students, promoting student initiatives and organizing ASWC policy legislation. The Student Affairs Chair works closely with Senators, executive officers, students, faculty and the administration to create and enact student-supported policies and address student grievances.

Finance Chair The Finance Chair is the chief financial officer of ASWC and chairs the Finance Committee which manages ASWC accounts, distributes discretionary funds and creates the annual budget. The Finance Chair also works closely with the Student Activities Office and the ASWC Secretary to authorize and facilitate the dispersement of ASWC Funds. He or she also sits on Executive Council.

Nominations Chair The Nominations Chair sits on Executive Council and heads the Nominations Committee which recruits, reviews and selects candidates to fill all positions appointed by ASWC. This includes the chief officers of campus media organizations and student representatives on College policy committees. The Nominations Chair is also ASWC’s liaison to appointees and the organizations they work with after they have been confirmed.

SENATE ELECTION Elections for the ASWC Senate representatives will follow on Wednesday, April 14.

Campaigning for this election will begin on Wednesday, April 7. The Senate is comprised of the Executive Council members and the four representatives from each class.

CANDIDATE PLATFORMS Carson Burns ‘11

Gary Wang ‘11

Ryan Lum ‘11

During my years of experience in ASWC, I continuously advocated for students and produced concrete results. I brought events to campus on Programming Committee (now WEB); I pioneered senator-based initiatives when I created the annual Ski Bus program two years ago; I allocate student funds and will set the $448,000 budget on Finance Committee; I wrote legislation and am establishing a workshop to teach students how to protect their houses from burglary; and I am writing by-law amendments to better check-and-balance senate legislation within ASWC. From my experience, I have a strong grasp of all areas within ASWC, and I am confident in my ability to lead as president. If elected, I promise to: · Make ASWC and its available funds more visible to you, · Hold the administration and faculty to a higher standard when addressing and incorporating your input, · Work directly with The Pioneer and WEB leaders to improve campus media and programming, · Hold all student representatives accountable for addressing your concerns and completing tangible initiatives that improve your Whitman experience.

I am excited for the opportunity to serve and represent you next year!

Please send me your questions or concerns at burnscs@whitman.edu.

Sincerely, Carson Burns

To my fellow students, I believe I have the experience and sound judgment to serve as your ASWC president. As my diverse record in Campus Climate Challenge, in the President’s Budget Advisory Committee and on ASWC’s Finance Committee shows, I’m committed to bettering the Whitman community.

For example, I’ve worked with the administration to send out an e-mail survey to all students soliciting your input on Whitman’s budget. I’ve fundraised for the solar panels on the tennis center. I’ve worked to reform ASWC’s rules so that you can see the voting record of your student senators.

I’m a firm believer in hard work and as ASWC president I will continue working towards improving our wonderful community. As president, I will: Make sure ASWC and with the administration listen to your ideas, Find areas where ASWC, student clubs and the Greek community can cooperate, Ensure clubs have the funding they need to allow you to pursue your interests.

In light of my goals, I have a question: Do you think Whitman should have a yearbook? Please let me know what you think!

Sincerely, Gary Wang

In my time at Whitman I have served on all three branches of ASWC: as a senator on the policy committee (Senate), the club clerk (Executive Council), and oversight member on finance (Oversight). I also have worked every year with Whitman’s major programming board, was CAB’s vice chair and am now WEB’s spirit director.

My three major goals are to: -Foster a diversity of perspectives by establishing connections to Greek organizations and clubs, -Advance our current advocacy with the administration by getting more student representatives on the college standing committees, -Increase activity with the ASWC standing committees through more interactions and oversight.

Check out my Facebook event at http://www.facebook.com/ event.php?eid=108405195848422 for more information!

John Loranger ‘11

Matt Dittrich ‘12

Whitman College has been a place of tremendous growth and opportunity for me, and in my time here I have worked hard to give back to the campus community both in ASWC as a senator on Finance Committee and in other campus organizations such as Whitman Direct Action and the Mentor Program. Next year as student affairs chair I will focus on continuing and building upon the excellent work of the previous administration, pioneering new and productive relationships with the administration in the name of student advocacy while also tackling issues students care about (and even the ones most don’t but can help make our college a better place anyway). I believe ASWC can serve as a powerful ally to the environmental groups on campus to strengthen sustainability initiatives, and I want to see ASWC take on much more of this next year. Carson and I are also in the process of cementing a permanent offcampus orientation with the administration to educate students on their rights as tenants and ways to secure their houses and personal safety, as well as creating a comprehensive database of off-campus housing. Thank you for your support.

The blood which runs through my veins is irrefutably German. Yet, everyone possesses a basic blood type, a category which transcends culture, nationality, race and ethnicity. And I think that I might be type ASWC. For the past two years, I have had the greatest pleasure serving as a senator and as your finance chair. As finance chair, I purposed and protected nearly $1 million worth of student funds and assets. As a Senate voting member, I have helped author legislation ranging from the promotion of the Real Food Challenge, to the installation of laser printers in residence halls. And as an advocate, I have been the voice of the students on the Club Sports Committee, President Bridges’ Budget Advisory Committee, and the Board of Trustees’ Student Affairs Committee. But I digress, what is truly of consequence has not yet occurred. Next year, I plan to purpose more student dollars to green, civic and social initiatives, execute a smarter budget (I have already found an additional $20,000) and continue to facilitate the transformation of dreams to truth, regardless of the abysmal economy. Please send me back to Reid: As long as I’m your man, there’s nothing I won’t give you.

Kim Sommers ‘11

Dujie Tahat ‘12

I have been closely involved in Whitman life, working for change since my first year on campus. As the Editor-in-Chief and Publisher of The Pioneer, I improved the paper’s quality, broadened its coverage and increased its relevance and value to you. I developed a deep understanding of ASWC and the Whitman administration’s operations and built strong working relationships with both, creating productive change and increased accountability. As Nominations Chair, I will amplify students’ voices, pursuing new opportunities for student involvement and representation. In particular, I will work with ASWC-sponsored organizations to develop succession planning and training programs that will improve continuity and consistency of student leadership.

Through my past leadership roles I have developed a strong skill set in goal setting, organization management and community engagement, which make me a unique candidate for Nominations Chair.

I have a passion for questioning the status quo and creating innovative solutions for improvement. Give me your vote and put my energy to work for you.

I am running for ASWC Nominations Chair because the organization of ASWC has had a special place in my heart for the last two years.

I truly believe that it is the responsibility of the student government to serve and enrich the lives of the students we represent. It is my hope that I, along with the rest of the Executive Council, can usher in this new paradigm and institutionalize it as integral part of ASWC. In terms of the Nominations Chair, I will nominate the most suited person for the given job as has been in the past. However, my focus for the coming year will be to solidify a formal process by which nominationed positions will be held accountable, through routine reports to the student body, and the like.

PHOTOS BY BULLION

A&E

The Pioneer ISSUE 8 APR. 1, 2010 Page 4

New Whitman essay contest fills empty niche, offers $300 top prize, publication to winners

by AMI TIAN Staff Reporter

You might have received a white slip of paper in your mailbox several weeks ago. Printed on it are simply— and mysteriously without clarification or context—guidelines for submission and an e-mail address to which to submit.

The slip of paper, titled "Essay Competition Submissions Guidelines," asked that submissions include the author's name along with a short biography or commentary on the piece. The deadline is April 17.

The submissions are limited to 1,500 words. One essay will win $300; the top 10 will be published "either in print or online (depending on how good our budget looks)," according to the slip. The e-mail address provided is wessaysubmission@gmail.com.

The essay competition is the brainchild of seniors Jullianne Ballou and Fiona Brown, who are holding the competition as the final project of a joint independent study project with professor Don Snow, senior lecturer of environmental humanities/general studies. As part of their independent studies, Ballou and Brown have read submissions for The Ellen Meloy Desert Writers Fund Contest and the Orion Book Award, respectively.

Snow currently chairs both national writing competitions.

The Whitman essay competition,

however, was Ballou and Brown’s own project.

“I have had little direct involvement,” said Snow, adding that Brown and Ballou came up with the idea on their own and brought it to fruition with their enthusiasm.

Snow also believes that the contest will provide opportunities for writers to submit to a publication who might not otherwise.

“I'd bet that the new contest will receive work from students who may not submit their essays to 'blue moon' or 'quarterlife,' for any number of reasons,” said Snow.

Snow observed that nature writing in particular, such as that which Ballou and Brown are reading for their independent studies, has an interdisciplinary nature that sometimes makes it difficult to categorize. “’Nature writing’ tends to fall outside the usual boundaries of many literary efforts, for the work of classic and contemporary nature writers is often wildly eclectic, crossing disciplinary divides,” said Snow. “Science, social science and the humanities are sometimes implicated in the works of nature writers, a fact which makes their efforts difficult to classify. So the nature folk don't always see a ready niche in literary publications.”

The focus of the Whitman essay competition is not necessarily on nature writing, but on creative es-

says in general. Ballou explained that Brown’s and her reasons for wanting to start the competition were to create a competition for Whitman students similar to those to which they would submit outside of campus, and also to create a venue for publication of creative nonfiction essays, specifically.

“You don't see much creative nonfiction submitted to 'quarterlife' and the

MUSIC REVIEW

Big Star compilation a timely release with Alex Chilton’s death

In an effort to expand audience reach, the Whitman College radio station, KWCW 90.5 FM Walla Walla, is increasing its programming through online blogging and networking Web sites.

“We [radio] broadcast 20 miles and stream online anywhere in the world.

Now we’re spreading news through Twitter and Facebook. The blog is something we’re trying to jump off,” said senior Joe Gustav, co-general manager at KWCW. The radio station started Facebook and Twitter pages early this semester and began updating its music blog on the KWCW Web site. While the networking sites feature music links and updates on radio shows at KWCW, the blog offers articles written by station staff.

As a member of the Intercollegiate Broadcasting System and the College Music Journal, KWCW is part of a network of college radio stations, record companies and music promoters in the industry. The station continually receives music from promoters, which music directors take through a process of selective reviewing, promoting and cataloguing into a library.

While music directors promote new music to radio DJs at KWCW, the Internet opens up opportunities to pro-

progression deviates slightly, yielding an incredible hook in an otherwise Singer-songwriter Alex Chilton died on mediocre song. #1 Record also features March 17, just four days before a reunit- some of the closest things Big Star ed version of his best-known band, Big had to commercial successes; "In The Star, was to perform one of the biggest Street," as covered by Cheap Trick, was sets at Austin's South by Southwest fes- the theme to "That '70s Show" (referred tival. The following weeks saw an out- to by Chilton as "That $70 Show," as he pouring of supmade $70 evport from many ery time it was musicians who broadcast) and have, in some "Thirteen," way or another, which conbeen following veys a certain in his footsteps. sense of adoFormer Replacelescent longments frontman ing that many Paul Westerberg pop songwritsang his praises ers attempt to for the New York get at and few Times and Big can ever sucStar's SXSW perceed with. formance became On Radio a tribute that City the band Keep An Eye On the Sky, Rhino, 2009 brought in John loses Chris Doe, Mike Mills, Bell, and on M. Ward, Sondre Lerche and a number Third/Sister Lovers it loses everything, of others performing Chilton's songs. as the lineup reduces to a core of ChilAnd there's good reason to celebrate ton and drummer Jody Stephens, who Chilton's work. Late last year Rhino re- along with a number of outside playleased the compilation Keep an Eye on ers deliver their darkest, most desolate the Sky, which compiles all three Big songs. Few things convey a sense of beStar albums, a performance from 1973, ing completely and totally lost in some and a number of miscellaneous demos, sort of wilderness like "Holocaust" or alternate takes and bits of ephemera "Big Black Car," especially in the frightfrom each period. The material, more eningly-narcotized demo presented than any eulogy, proves that Chilton amongst this disc's bonus material. Yet (as well as songwriter Chris Bell, also the material proved hugely influential, a member of the band early on) was even more than the band's early work, an utterly gifted melodicist and song- paving the way for orchestral guitar writer, and one as capable of creating a pop and even slow, sad songs working sound, as he does across the band's first within three-minute pop structures. two albums, #1 Record and Radio City, as he is at destroying it, as happens in real time across the long-unreleased Third/Sister Lovers.

Across all three, Chilton's songs are a mixture of brilliant melodic leads and undeniable melancholy, with the latter coming to consume the former the further one gets in the band's discography. #1 Record's second song, "The Ballad of El Goodo," sports a chorus so unbelievably good, yet working with such While this set isn't necessarily viconventional elements—huge chords, tal—most of its previously unreleased big, stereo-panned drum fill, straight- material has appeal more for the colforward pop vocal harmonies—that it lector and the already-devoted than seems a challenge to answer why no the merely curious—the three albums one else had gotten it quite that right included within absolutely are. They're yet. Even the closest thing to misguid- an essential collection of music heard ed hippie sentiment, "The India Song," in literal thousands of records since is almost forgivable entirely because of their initial failure and subsequent rea moment in its verses when the chord surgence.

by ANDREW HALL Music Reviewer

VAN NESTE BULLION

KWCW promoters turn to Facebook, Twitter, blog as new advertising tools Staff Reporter

To senior Anastasia Zamkinos, it seemed that the essay competition— in that it both has a purpose distinct from that of other publications on campus and in that it offers a cash prize—is bringing something new to Whitman.

“Essays have certainly been published in 'blue moon' and 'quarterlife' before . . . but each of those venues is doing something different from what this competition proposes to do. From what little I have heard, it sounds like a dedicated space to explore the function(s) of the creative essay, specifically and an opportunity to financially reward Whitman writers, which we don't often have the opportunity to do.”

LOOS-DIALLO

Roshan Adhikari ‘12 and Michail Georgiev ‘12 host their show ‘2 bros 1 sho.’ The show offers discussions of masculinity and ‘bro’!dom.

by LIZ SIENG

essays in 'blue moon' are buried between the poetry, fiction and art," said Ballou. "The Pio is geared toward reporting . . . But we both think the essay is a valuable, relevant form, and we're curious to see what Whitman college students are writing about in terms of nonfiction—what in the world is attracting them and what they want to share with others.”

mote off the airwaves.

Senior Grace Harnois, co-music director at KWCW, explained that the station is working to make the blog a regular part of the station's promotions. It will feature weekly reviews on upcoming music and occasional stories on concerts and music from station DJs.

We broadcast 20 miles and stream online anywhere in the world.

Now we’re spreading news through Twitter and Facebook.

- Joe Gustav ‘10

“Every Monday [a music director will] write a post on the blog,” said Harnois. “The principle is to promote music being played in the station, music that we add from [College Music Journal] to our library.”

In addition to posting articles and links, the station is offering promotional material in the form of music downloads. This school year the blog featured the Best of 2009 Fall Mixtape and the Winter 2010 Mixtape, music compilations available for free download.

“It’s music that we like, although it’s not entirely representative because we’re so diverse,” said Gustav. “It’s the music we get from promoters. We get a lot of free music.”

Gustav said that the mixtapes will become a more regular feature, and like many Internet music blogs, KWCW wants to spread music through offering downloads.

“Basically, most labels aren’t going to contact you or anything about that.

From what I’ve seen other people do, if you’re using a single from an album it’s like a promotional tool. If they want us to take it down, we certainly will,” said Gustav.

Junior Matt Bachmann, another co-music director, said that he hears of Whitman students and alumni as well as students from other schools who have visited their Web sites and enjoyed music featured on the blog.

“The main goal of it all is to get people more excited about KWCW,” said Bachmann. "Facebook and Twitter act as outlets for us to keep people aware of the things happening at KWCW and to get people excited about the station. The blog is a way for us to provide more insight into the music we love and what's going on at KWCW.” The public can access KWCW on Facebook and Twitter, and on the station blog at kwcw.net.

Chilton’s songs are a mixture of brilliant melodic leads and undeniable melancholy.

6

FEATURE

Apr. 1, 2010

A family affair

The Whitman community may feel like one big (sometimes dysfunctional) family, but for many of the students in this week’s Feature these bonds are literal. Despite Whitman’s small size, these siblings have found that there’s enough room for all of them.

Whitman siblings team up

speak in Spanish and most people will not understand them.

“I love speaking in accents,” said Jennifer.

The Lopez sisters don't hesitate to declare their feelings for one another.

“I love my sister,” said Jazmin.

Jennifer explains that she received a valentine from Jazmin that said ‘I love you like a fat kid loves cake.'

“I love her,” she confirmed.

SLOANE

Twins split up, crave unique college identity

by MARYBETH MURRAY Staff Reporter

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 32.1 out of every 1,000 live births is a set of twins—if Whitman were to match these statistics, 46 out of 1450 students would be twins. While there are a few pairs of twins who attend Whitman together, the majority separate from their sibling to come to college.

Who are the twins who ventured away from their other half to attend Whitman alone? What is it like to be so far away from the person with whom they share just about everything?

Elana Congress, a sophomore, describes being a twin as “the hardest and best thing in the world.” Being so close to someone for all your life can be wonderful, she explained, but every relationship has its tensions.

“Growing up and going to the same school and having similar interests was incredibly difficult, though, because it felt like we were always competing,” Congress said in an e-mail.

Sophomore Carolyn Hart expressed a similar sentiment via e-mail when asked about her sister Margaret and their relationship growing up.

“At our high school, people always confused us or called us “twin” instead of our names, and just didn’t bother to get to know us individually,” Hart explained.

For both Hart and Congress, growing up as a twin caused slight claustrophobia at times, leading them to attend different colleges than their siblings.

“By going to separate colleges, we could ensure that we have separate identities,” said Hart.

For Congress, the decision to attend different colleges was easy.

“We always intended to study at different colleges,” she said. “In fact, we didn’t even apply to any of the same colleges in order to avoid tension when receiving acceptance and rejection letters, and to ensure that we didn’t end up at the same school.”

But for all the reasons that these girls don’t attend the same school as their twins, it must be difficult to be so far from your “best friend,” as Congress describes her sister Suzanne.

For sophomore Nate Stone, the distance is difficult, but staying in contact with his sister helps. Stone’s twin sister Caitlin attends college across the continent, at Brown University in Rhode Island.

“I miss her but it’s not too bad. I talk to her quite a bit,” Stone said.

Hart explained that with today’s technology, keeping in touch is incredibly easy.

“It’s not too hard to be apart from Margaret because of all the ways we can keep in touch—texting, Skype, Facebook,” she said.

So what is it like for these twins to visit Whitman? For the Congress sisters, Suzanne’s visit to Whitman helped cement an image of the place that she’d only heard described.

“It was great for her to get to meet the people I tell her about and see the places I refer to,” Congress said.

For Hart’s sister, the visit also helped match names and faces to description. “[Margaret] got to meet all these people I had been talking about for the last year,” said Hart. “I value her opinion a lot, so it was good to see what she thought about the campus and my friends.”

Despite the distance, Hart and her sister, as well as many other twins at Whitman, have found ways to maintain their unique relationship. The transition from high school to college is a huge one, and being separated from such close family is even more daunting, yet phone calls, e-mails and visits have helped these twins keep in touch. Acting on their wish to develop an identity separate from their siblings’, Congress, Hart and Stone all found the move relatively easy—and just knowing that your other half is also studying for finals must make everything a little bit easier.

BOWMAN Betsy ‘10, Sam ‘11 and John Nortz ‘13 have kept a fun relationship while at Whitman.

by BECKY NEVIN Staff Reporter

The Nortz Family Every Monday, John, Betsy and Sam Nortz have family dinner in at Reid's Café '66.

“Family dinner’s nice. You don’t really get homesick,” said Sam, a junior.

John, Betsy and Sam agreed that it isn't “weird” that they go to the same small college.

“The most common question I always get is, ‘isn’t it weird to have your siblings here?’ I don’t see why . . . We get along great because we have to,” said Sam. For the many mixed-year sibling groups attending Whitman, the perks seem to outweigh any downsides of sharing a college. Although Whitman is small, these siblings have been able to carve out their own place, while keeping in touch with family and looking to one another for support when needed.

Betsy, a senior, highly recommends going to school with your siblings.

“It wouldn’t be a good place to go if you are embarrassed or don’t want to step on each others' toes,” she said.

The three admit that they occasionally annoy each other but have never done anything so bad that they have totally alienated one another. There are other peculiarities to having your siblings in a school with a total student body of around 1,500.

“Gossip gets around,” said John, a firstyear.

However, Betsy explains that this is usually good gossip.

“It’s a very fast turn-around from when somebody does something and a sibling hears about it,” she said.

The three do tend to accidentally cross paths on campus. For instance, both Sam and John have lived in the same room in Jewett Hall, and once, Betsy and Sam happened to run into each other at Dragfest.

“We ended up at Dragfest my sophomore year. He makes a very ugly woman and I make a horrible man,” said Betsy.

The Lopez Family Jazmin, Jennifer and Chantell Lopez never expected to attend the same college.

“We didn’t want to come to Whitman because Jazmin was here,” Jennifer explained. She is a first-year, while her sister, Chantell, is a high school senior and

will be starting at Whitman next year.

“It was weird at first for me. I had two worlds, one at home and one at school. It is a little hard because it’s a small school,” said Jazmin, a senior and the oldest sister of the trio.

However, things changed quickly.

“I got over it in a month or less,” said Jazmin.

Now, they explain that attending the same college has improved their relationship and brought them closer.

“We have two classes together this setmester. We’re in there chatting sometimes. We sit next to each other,” said Jennifer.

“It’s changed a lot because I’ve gotten close to her. Now she’s my close friend. I come to her for advice,” said Jazmin.

“I give really good advice,” said Jennifer.

Jennifer and Jazmin also stay in touch with Chantell.

“Once every month and a half we get together with Chantell and go out and have food and catch up on each others' lives because Chantell feels left out,” said Jazmin.

Although attending the same college may seem like it would cast a long shadow for the younger sister, Jennifer hasn't felt pressured by her sister's achievements.

“There really wasn’t much of a shadow academically. I’ve been able to establish my own way,” she said. Jennifer is planning to major in French, while Jazmin is a Spanish major.

Jazmin and Jennifer explain that another plus for them in particular of having a sibling at Whitman is that they can

The Appleton Family Like the Lopez sisters, Maggie and Max never planned to come to Whitman together.

“I came first because they said it was a good school,” said Max, a junior.

Maggie, a first-year, arrived two years later.

“I discounted it at first because he was here. Then, I read that it was number one in happiness in the Princeton Review,” said Maggie.

“There’s like 10 million schools in the United States and she chooses Whitman,” said Max. Max also has a twin brother, Sam, who is transferring from the East Coast. He would attend Whitman also, but since Maggie and Max are both here, he is going to an academically similar college: Lewis and Clark.

Max and Maggie explained that their situation is unique because they both chose the same school by coincidence instead of being encouraged by a sibling to come visit, like many other siblings at Whitman.

They realize, however, that Whitman does often attract other sibling groups; Maggie explained that another sibling pair from their high school in Singapore both attended Whitman, as well.

Although they were wary of sharing a college, once Max and Maggie arrived at Whitman, they discovered that there could be a positive side to the situation.

“It kind of works out having siblings at the same school because we’re so far away from Singapore,” said Maggie.

“It’s convenient for our parents if they ever come to visit,” said Max. Max and Maggie also occasionally meet up on campus, a habit that other students tend to notice.

“We have dinner once a week," said Maggie. "Apparently it’s 'adorable' that we talk to each other."

CORNELIUS Maggie ‘13 and Max Appleton ‘11 were nervous about sharing Whitman, but have found that they enjoy college life together.

Double the fun for twins sharing Whitman experience

by REBECCA BRIGHT Feature Editor

Looking into the violin section of Whitman’s orchestra, you might think you’re seeing double—yet the nearly identical pair is just Dawn and Nicole Angus, juniors and twins who happen to share a college as well as a love for music. The sisters have the same double major and live in apartments next door to one another. For the Angus twins, these similar lifestyles aren’t strange; they’re just a result of overlapping interests.

“Sometimes when people ask, ‘Are you in same classes?’ and you say yes, they give you a look that says, ‘That’s not ok, you should you should be more individualistic,’” said Dawn. “We are individuals, but at the same time we’re not going to change what we want to do to fit other people’s perceptions of what we should be.”

At a small college like Whitman, no matter how different their interests, twins often find themselves with lives that intersect at many points. However, the variety of activities and housing options available allow siblings to

choose just how close they want their college selves to be.

Room assignments are a big part of this process. When arriving at Whitman, both twin pairs tried to live together during their first year, with different results. Both the Angus and Gilbert sisters wrote a letter to Residence Life asking to room together, but while Dawn and Nicole’s request was denied three years ago, Katri and Emilie were placed in the same room last August.

For Katri and Emilie, who are busy with music and travel often for sports, this decision was one of convenience more than fear of separation.

“We were really surprised that they let us, actually, because everybody always tries to split twins up, in general,” said Katri. “It’s not like we’re stuck at the hip, because we do different things.

Living together, we don’t always have to be together all the time—it’s just way more convenient.”

According to Nancy Tavelli, director of Residence Life and Housing, Residence Life has no uniform policy regarding twins’ first-year housing

assignments; each situation is evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Twins are given the same advice as other students when it comes to roommates.

“We always suggest that people live with someone they don’t know,” said

thing,” Nicole said. “It was healthy because we’re both more introverted and we met people through that avenue of having separate roommates.”

Whether living in the same room or a hall apart, both sets of twins have found that academic life at Whitman hasn’t stirred any sibling rivalries. Katri and Emilie have enrolled in mostly . . . We’re not going to separate classes, yet are able to work off of each other’s strengths. change what we want to “Most of the time she just explains do to fit other people’s what I don’t understand,” said Emilie. perceptions of what we Because of their identical majors, should be.

-Dawn Angus ‘13 Dawn and Nicole have much more similar class schedules, yet they don’t compete with each other academically, either.

Tavelli. “It’s usually better for students “There’s no one that I’d rather come not to choose their own roommate.” in second to, let’s put it that way. We’re However, she continued, the needs and competitive, but we’re competitive aldesires of the students are always taken most as a unit,” said Dawn. “We want into consideration. each other to do well, we want both of Although Dawn and Nicole were us to succeed.” initially apprehensive about Residence Although they have been at WhitLife’s decision—they could share a resi- man for almost three years, Nicole and dence hall, but not a room or section— Dawn still feel that their similarities they have grown to appreciate it. make some people uncomfortable.

“Ultimately I think it was a good “I think Whitman craves individual-

ity and we’re kind of a paradox,” Nicole said. “We’re unique in that we’re individuals, but we’re very alike another person, and people find that perplexing.”

When it comes to the future, the two sets of twins have come to distinct conclusions. While Emilie and Katri have enjoyed being roommates, and plan to live together next year, they believe that they will part ways to pursue different interests after college.

“It’s going to happen either way— we’re not going to be together in the same place forever,” said Katri.

Dawn and Nicole haven’t made any definitive plans, either, but they hope to stay together as long as possible.

“I think we definitively want to be close,” said Nicole, before clarifying, “at least, I, speaking for myself, would like to be nearby.”

“No,” said Dawn in agreement, “it’s ‘we.’”

Although college life has marked a new chapter in the lives of these very different sets of Whitman twins, neither has let the pressures change their relationship very much.

Opinion

The Pioneer ISSUE 8 APR. 1, 2010 Page 7

Video games: It’s about the story Storytelling in video games has come a long way from the halcyon days of the arcade. Take for example the discernible plot of “Space Invaders”: Aliens are invading from BLAIR FRANK space in various Columnist monochromatic warships, because they can. You alone are left to defend the planet in a specialized hovering tank, because you were stuck there. There is no character motivation, no reason for you to defend the world the way you are. You’re just stuck there.

Compare that to the games of today: It’s not unheard of for there to be massive writing teams to put together all of the dialogue and writing for “cutscenes,” little cinematic pieces intertwined with game play to move the story forward. Valve, the creators of the wildly popular “Half-Life” and “Portal” franchises has a New York Times bestselling novelist on staff to write for their games. Increasingly, games are being called

cinematic, not only for their graphics quality, but for the depth of the plot.

Bioware’s latest offering, “Mass Effect 2,” has captivated the gaming public with its

interesting blend of storytelling and game play. Every conversation you have with a character could have drastic ramifications on your future relationship options with them—romantic or otherwise—and on the game world itself. It’s not just about shooting aliens anymore. In the game, you form a band of compatriots who gather together to stop the forces of evil (who happen to be bug-like aliens abducting human colonists). But rather than just being a bunch of personality-free drones, all of your traveling companions have secrets, their own personal motivations and reasons for doing what they do.

Then there are games that turn norms of video gaming on their heads. “Bioshock” from 2K Games included a plot twist that was not only stunning in its complete upheaval of the story, but also in its ability to make players question why they were doing what they were doing at all. The plot’s climax truly stunned me and made me think.

SONG Endings are also not what they used to be: Even as late as 2000, games worked on a binary system. Either

you beat the game, or you lose. Now, it’s more and more popular to include multiple endings, based on the choices you’ve made in the game. Without spoiling anything, “Mass Effect 2” can turn out very differently based upon the choices you make.

We’ve come a long way, indeed.

Now, I’m not saying that games will replace books and movies, but I think it’s important to recognize and value them as another storytelling medium. It’s a new way for writers to communicate with an audience, and in many ways interact with them. Gamers play games to get away from reality, and the best games, like the best novels and movies, provide immersing experiences where you really are in another realm.

I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next. It’s about the story for me, and I want more. I want plots that will suck me in and spit me back out on the other side, pleasantly dazed, to be standard-issue— not just for the cream of the crop. I’m ready for folks like Stephen King and Patrick Rothfuss to write stories that we, as players, can be a part of. It is m y sincere hope that someday in the not-toodistant future, it will be possible to get a degree in video game writing. But most of all, I hope that people will learn to respect the art of writing an interactive experience like a game.

GOP fear mongering immoral distortion Unfortunately, fear mongering has long been a staple of politics. Where Democrats tend to criticize intelligence, Republicans criticize patriotism; both sides tend to WILLIAM WITWER stretch the facts Columnist and exaggerate the consequences of certain actions in an attempt to achieve their agenda.

On Feb. 18, the Republican National Committee held an informal meeting to discuss strategy, after which a careless participant left a 72-page document in a hotel room. A Politico reporter named Ben Smith found this document, eventually revealing its contents to the media.

Though several Republican leaders condemned it without going into specifics, no one seemed particularly surprised.

The document was a PowerPoint presentation aimed at getting Republican donors to contribute money, and featured several offensive caricatures, including Obama in full makeup as the Joker à la Heath Ledger, Nancy Pelosi as Cruella De Vil and Harry Reid as the always confused Scooby Doo. More importantly, the document bluntly corroborated the GOP’s plan to label Democrats as “tending towards socialism.” It also mocked committee donors as people easily satisfied with “tchochkes,” the Slavic word for toys.

Michael Steele, the leader of the Republican National Committee, sort of apologized for crossing the line.

“Clearly it’s not something that I would

tolerate and certainly would not want presented to me, and we’re dealing with it administratively,” said Steele.

This is not a particularly strong denunciation; there is no promise of finding the person who created it and firing them, or really even an acknowledgment of a problem with the divisiveness of most of the rhetoric. This is simply an attempt to distance the GOP from that infamous picture of our President (seen frequently at rallies of the Tea Party), underneath which there is the usual tagline, “SOCIALISM.” Either Republicans don’t understand what exactly constitutes socialism or they consciously choose to use an inflammatory word to describe their opposition because it is effective in preying on people’s fears. Socialism is radical, revolutionary even—and the word evokes the horrors of the USSR. The attempt to label our relatively conservative Democratic president as Stalinist is simply a falsity, a misguided political strategy, but the sheer repetition of the word serves to lend such attempts credibility. In my opinion, the extremely negative arguments in this document are not just incorrect and frightening, but they constitute an immoral rejection of reason.

I don’t want to just pick on the GOP, because Democrats also have a history of fear mongering, with some extreme leftists going so far as to call the government of President Bush “fascism.” Though the totalitarian governments of both Hitler and Stalin are scary in fundamentally the same way, labeling any free U.S. government as such will always be a deliberate and immoral misrepresentation.

That being said, however, mainstream

the Pioneer

Republicans frequently and unrelentingly have called (and will continue to call) Obama a “socialist,” where the rhetoric directed against Bush seemed (to me at least) not quite so insidious. The worst incident of Republican fear mongering in my memory was Sarah Palin’s infamously incorrect concept of “death panels,” i.e. panels which would decide the lives of the sick, if the health care plan passed. If it was not so provokingly stupid, this distortion would be almost laughable.

We live in an age where the Machiavellian manipulation of people’s fears for political gain is easier to do and much less consequential than it ever has been.

The loudest, often least informed voices seem to have the most impact, and any ill-chosen remark can be wiped away by the meaningless ritual of public apology (see Glenn Beck, a former disc jockey infamous for making fun of a rival radio host’s wife’s miscarriage on the air, a day after it happened—yes, this actually happened).

Thus, I am not attempting to assert that all Republicans readily agree with the tactics of their party. Indeed, my father is a member of the dying breed of moderate Republicans (my mother calls her marriage a “mixed marriage”), and while even he just shakes his head at the “socialist” rhetoric, he opposes the Democratic solution to the problem of health care not due to fear, but to principle and reason.

In this way, it is important to handily reject the Glenn Becks of the world and to take offense at every image of Obama as the Joker in powdered sugar make-up because these things prey on our fears, not our reasonable minds.

Free Tibet? Maybe not Tibet has often occupied a special place within the Western imagination. It’s a symbol of communist colonialism and an idealized image of GARY WANG a people removed Columnist from the barbarous forces of consumerism and modernization. “Free Tibet” is a rallying cry for those that oppose the communist regime.

The Dalai Lama is revered for his attempt to win more autonomy for his people.

Last week, I had a chance to see the people of Tibet firsthand. My study abroad program sent us on a 10-day trip to Yunnan, a province bordering Tibet, Vietnam, Laos and Burma. We stayed with a Tibetan village in Shangri-La (Tibetans aren’t restricted from living inside Tibet) for three nights and four days. However, I only came away with contradictions and no easy answers.

The vast majority of people in this village of 43 households are illiterate. They can all speak but not write the Tibetan language.

A few of them can speak Mandarin but almost none of them can write Mandarin.

Each household has up to three kids—the government in China grants ethnic minorities, like the Tibetans, exceptions to the official one child only policy. The middle son in my host family had departed three years ago to go study Buddhism with the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala. His older brother married at 15, has a three-month-old son, and works 10 hours a day. And by work, I don’t mean cubicles and computers (our likely futures?).

By work, I mean either tilling the fields to plant barley, breaking stones in the mountains to build paved roads in the village and/or felling wood. After interviewing an elderly woman and our group’s Tibetan tour guide, I learned just how dire the economic situation in this village is.

Each household makes about 300 RMB from planting barley, 4000-5000 felling lumber and 800 on a good year from study abroad tourists like me. Added together, that comes to about $1,000. That’s about 1/46th the U.S. average household income of $46,000.

So what does it all mean? Well, it means, as my tour guide told me, that the village has high hopes for the local government to help them build roads. They’re running out of wood to cut on top of the mountains and they know it. So in the next few years,

whitman news, delivered.

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News Editor Jocelyn Richard

they’re planning to turn their village into a tourist attraction. Come enjoy an authentic Tibetan experience? Can you have an authentic cultural experience at a tourist destination?

Well, what does this say about the government’s relation to Tibetan culture and the Tibetan people? Our Tibetan tour guide described Tibet before 1960 as a “slave society” with 95 percent of the people with no freedom much less property.

My Chinese roommate agrees, but how much of that is a result of propaganda, the one legacy Leninism and Marxism have left for China?

Our Tibetan tour guide credited the communists with investing billions of dollars in Tibet to build hospitals, roads and schools. Yet, he, as a devout Tibetan Buddhist, is well aware of the restrictions on religious freedom. Even worse, there are fears that the Communist Party is encouraging Han Chinese to migrate to Tibet in order to change Tibet’s cultural identity.

To put it starkly, in my Tibetan house there is an enormous shrine to the Dalai Lama and the Panchen Lama (the second highest religious and political authority in Tibetan culture) on one wall. On the opposite side of the room, there’s an enormous glass plaque picturing Mao, Deng Xiaoping, Jiang Zeming and Hu Jintao’s smiling faces hovering over the mountains of Tibet with China’s ethnic minorities dressed in their authentic garb in the foreground.

At issue is the complicated interaction between modernization and Tibetan cultural history.

In talking to people here regarding Tibet, it’s striking how often they bring up our American history. I didn’t expect them to compare Tibetans to America’s Native Americans. Or what about China’s shaky and hazy historical claim to Tibet with our own claim to the American West? If colonialism is what China is doing to Tibet, then what did Europe and America do to the Native Americans? It’s obvious that there are no easy answers to this type of historical comparison. What standards do you and I invoke to justify ourselves to another culture? Isn’t that the problem of relativism? Is the only response non-judgment and non-interference?

Well, that’s precisely the Chinese Communist Party’s stance on international affairs: Non-interference with Chinese sovereignty and tolerance. Is that the right stance to adopt? No, but it’s not as simple as dogmatic condemnation. I ended up leaving the village more confused than settled, and so far that’s what China is.

Russ Caditz-Peck, Lisa Curtis, Blair Frank, Gillian Frew, Joey Kern, Heather Nichols-Haining, James Sledd, Gary Wang, Will Witwer

FE ATURE Kristen Coverdale, Hadley Jolley, MaryBeth Murray, Becky Nevin

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Sports

The Pioneer ISSUE 8 APR. 1, 2010 Page 8

TENNIS: Missionaries lose to visiting Pirates

BOWMAN Pitcher Jason Sease ‘10 makes a move towards home as third baseman Blaine Mercado looks on. Sease has been an integral part of the Whitman team this season. He currently ranks second in ERA (6.75) and third in batting average (.275).

Missionaries mired in 6-game losing streak

by DUJIE TAHAT Sports Editor

The first time I was exposed to a woman dunking was 2004. That year, Candace Parker won the McDonald’s All-American Game Dunk Contest, defeating men’s players like J.R. Smith (who would go on to participate in the NBA dunk contest).

It was a great day for women’s athletics.

I thought I had just seen something that would revolutionize women’s basketball.

Six years later and the revolution is here, standing 6 feet 8 inches with an 86-inch wingspan and ups to go with it. Meet Baylor University first-year Brittney Griner.

She is certainly televised.

Let’s get the obvious point out of the way: Ms. Griner can dunk. More importantly, the Baylor first-year hasn’t become the biggest thing in women’s college ball just by dunking because honestly, dunking in the women’s game has become old news. Georgeann Wells, the first woman to dunk in an NCAA game, rocked the rim way back in 1984. Lisa Leslie of the Los Angeles Sparks was the first professional woman to dunk—in 2002—and since then five other WNBA players have dunked in games. Candace Parker followed her McDonald’s win with a stellar career at the University of Tennessee that included several dunks.

What makes Brittney Griner so revolutionary then is not that she is able to dunk, but rather the style with which she is able to dunk. Most of the aforementioned women’s dunks came on breakaways

where the player had a long running start against little to no defense, and most of them were simple one-handed slams that barely crested the rim. Ms. Griner can dunk with one hand. Or two hands. Without a running start. She can also drop step dunk, which requires her to dunk practically flat-footed. Did I mention the 360s?

Besides her obvious physical gifts of stature, reach and vertical, Brittney also has a grace and balance to her movements that allows her to maximize those gifts. She has everything a coach could want from a post player: size, coordination, athleticism and a soft touch around the basket. This year she has averaged 18.6 points, 8.6 rebounds and a staggering 6.4 blocks per game. Her defensive play is probably even more valuable than her offensive contributions: Her propensity for blocking and altering shots has invited comparisons to NBA legend Bill Russell. Did I mention she didn’t start playing basketball until she was a sophomore in high school?

The young lady from Houston’s meteoric rise in the basketball world has not been perfect, as she was suspended from two games for an on-court altercation on March 3. Griner was fouled by Texas Tech’s Jordan Barncastle and retaliated by punching the offending player in the face, breaking Barncastle’s nose and earning herself an immediate ejection.

When Ms. Griner returned to the court several days later, she was timid, an unfortunate quality in a shot-blocker. With the NCAA tournament around the corner,

Griner had to regain her form or Baylor stood little chance of advancing. Luckily for the Bears, the pressure and excitement of March Madness has been exactly the motivation Brittney needed.

She had 18 points, eight rebounds and two blocks in a 14-point win over Fresno State in the first round, then posted 14 blocks in a 16-point win over Georgetown.

In the Sweet 16 Baylor faced traditional powerhouse Tennessee. Griner had one of her best games ever against Candace Parker’s alma mater, going for 27 points, seven rebounds and 10 more blocks.

Then, on Monday, Brittney Griner had her own magic March Madness moment against Duke. Ms. Griner hit a late onehanded jumper to push Baylor past Duke 51-48, sending the Lady Bears to the Final Four.

Brittney finished the game with 15 points, 11 rebounds and nine blocks, just missing out on a triple double while breaking the women’s NCAA tournament record for blocks. She already owned the regular season record. If she is going to live up to Bill Russell’s legacy—he won 11 NBA championships in 13 years—she will have to keep this streak of wins going against either Florida State University or the juggernaut that is the University of Connecticut, winners of their last 75 games. That win streak is probably weighing on the minds of the Lady Bears, but I doubt if its as traumatizing as the damage Brittney Griner has been doing to college basketball rims all year.

Brittney Griner rocks the rim The first time I was exposed to a woman dunking was 2004. That year, Candace Parker won the McDonald’s AllAmerican Game ALLAN CRUM Dunk Contest, deStaff Reporter feating men’s players like J.R. Smith (who would go on to participate in the NBA dunk contest). It was a great day for women’s athletics. I thought I had just seen something that would revolutionize women’s basketball. Six years later and the revolution is here, standing 6 feet 8 inches with an 86-inch wingspan and ups to go with it. Meet Baylor University first-year Brittney Griner. She is certainly televised.

Let’s get the obvious point out of the way: Ms. Griner can dunk. More importantly, the Baylor first-year hasn’t become the biggest thing in women’s college ball just by dunking because honestly, dunking in the women’s game has become old news. Georgeann Wells, the first woman to dunk in an NCAA game, rocked the rim way back in 1984. Lisa Leslie of the Los Angeles Sparks was the first professional woman to dunk—in 2002—and since then five other WNBA players have dunked in games. Candace Parker followed her McDonald’s win with a stellar career at the University of Tennessee that included several dunks.

What makes Brittney Griner so revolutionary then is not that she is able to dunk, but rather the style with which she is able to dunk. Most of the aforementioned women’s dunks came on breakaways where the player had a long running start

The Missionaries surged back, riding a strong showing by senior doubles partners Divneet Kaur and Hadley DeBree in the number two match-up to even the score at 1-1, but a Whitworth victory in a backbreaking, back-and-forth loss to Whitworth’s primary doubles-team gave the Pirates a lead they would not relinquish.

The Missionaries’ Head Coach John Hein saw Whitworth’s success in doubles play as a turning point.

“Losing two out of three doubles matches really put us in a tough spot,” Hein said. “With Whitworth’s singles play as deep as it is, we really had to beat them in doubles to have a shot.”

Despite a bottom-line that pointed to Whitman as a clear loser, each of Whitworth’s victories came in close fashion, a sentiment Hein was quick to echo.

“The final score for this one was really misleading,” said Hein. “In most of our matches today, one point one way or another could have changed the whole outcome.”

Whitman’s contest with Whitworth marked a return to conference play after a spring break trip to California, during which the Missionaries went 2-3. Despite Whitman’s losing record during the trip, junior Elise Otto saw the California campaign as a very positive experience.

“We didn’t win all our matches,” Otto said. “But we played really well against nationally ranked teams, and even though we lost a few, we were right there the whole time.”

Whitman’s losses included defeats at the hands of number 16 Bowdoin College and number 17 Redlands University.

Whitman entered their rematch with Whitworth with high hopes following an

extremely close 5-4 loss in Spokane, Wash. in February. Despite a substantially larger Whitworth margin of victory Sunday, optimism abounded from the Whitman corner. Coach Hein spoke glowingly of a Whitman team filled with young talent.

“Whitworth was undefeated coming into today, and they’re still the team to beat, but I see a lot of growth from our team even from when we played up in Spokane,” said Hein. “Especially from Kate Kunkel-Patterson at the number six singles spot. Seeing her fight out there to force a tie-breaker was a huge step for us.”

Otto, clearly disappointed despite her own dominant straight-set singles victory, still saw Whitman’s performance Sunday in an overwhelmingly positive light.

“I’m from Spokane, and Whitworth is more or less my lifelong menace; beating them at tennis has a very special place in my goals and dreams,” said Otto. “Still, this year our team has consistently competed hard at every spot, and the Sunday match was definitely no exception. Even if Whitworth won by a larger margin, we are a better team than we were a year ago or even a few weeks ago. I’m disappointed to lose, but there are much bigger and better things to be excited about with this team.”

Otto also had praise to heap onto the team’s youth movement.

“I am particularly impressed with the first-years on the team,” Otto said. “Kate Kunkel-Patterson and Dena Wessel are incredible workers and have such a strong presence on the court, and Alyssa Roberg competes like a lion after a water buffalo.”

The Missionaries will be counting on their young talent this weekend as they travel to Oregon to face Pacific University and Linfield College in a battle for second place in the Northwest Conference.

Baseball: The Whitman baseball team

Men's Tennis: The Northwest Confer-

 page 1

against little to no defense, and most of them were simple one-handed slams that barely crested the rim. Ms. Griner can dunk with one hand. Or two hands. Without a running start. She can also drop step dunk, which requires her to dunk practically flat-footed. Did I mention the 360s?

Besides her obvious physical gifts of stature, reach and vertical, Brittney also has a grace and balance to her movements that allows her to maximize those gifts. She has everything a coach could want from a post player: size, coordination, athleticism and a soft touch around the basket. This year she has averaged 18.6 points, 8.6 rebounds and a staggering 6.4 blocks per game. Her defensive play is probably even more valu-

Besides her obvious physical gifts of stature, Brittney also has a grace and balance that allows her to maximize those gifts. able than her offensive contributions: Her propensity for blocking and altering shots has invited comparisons to NBA legend Bill Russell. Did I mention she didn’t start playing basketball until she was a sophomore in high school?

The young lady from Houston’s meteoric rise in the basketball world has not been perfect, as she was suspended from two games for an on-court altercation on March 3. Griner was fouled by Texas Tech’s Jordan Barncastle and retaliated by punching the offending player in the face, breaking Barncastle’s nose and earning

herself an immediate ejection.

When Ms. Griner returned to the court several days later, she was timid, an unfortunate quality in a shot-blocker. With the NCAA tournament around the corner, Griner had to regain her form or Baylor stood little chance of advancing. Luckily for the Bears, the pressure and excitement of March Madness has been exactly the motivation Brittney needed.

She had 18 points, eight rebounds and two blocks in a 14-point win over Fresno State in the first round, then posted 14 blocks in a 16-point win over Georgetown.

In the Sweet 16 Baylor faced traditional powerhouse Tennessee. Griner had one of her best games ever against Candace Parker’s alma mater, going for 27 points, seven rebounds and 10 more blocks.

Then, on Monday, Brittney Griner had her own magic March Madness moment against Duke. Ms. Griner hit a late onehanded jumper to push Baylor past Duke 51-48, sending the Lady Bears to the Final Four.

Brittney finished the game with 15 points, 11 rebounds and nine blocks, just missing out on a triple double while breaking the women’s NCAA tournament record for blocks. She already owned the regular season record. If she is going to live up to Bill Russell’s legacy—he won 11 NBA championships in 13 years—she will have to keep this streak of wins going against either Florida State University or the juggernaut that is the University of Connecticut, winners of their last 75 games. That win streak is probably weighing on the minds of the Lady Bears, but I doubt if its as traumatizing as the damage Brittney Griner has been doing to college basketball rims all year.

S

will look to snap a seven-game losing streak this weekend as they host Northwest Conference leading Pacific Lutheran University at newly renovated Borleske Stadium for a three game series. The two teams will play a double-header Friday, April 2, followed by one game on Saturday, April 3, first pitch will be at noon both days.

Women's Tennis: Second place in

the Northwest Conference will be on the line on Saturday in McMinnville, Ore. as the Missionaries look to avenge a heartbreaking Feb. 28 home loss to the Wildcats. The Whitman women will also take on sixth place Pacific University Friday.

April 2, in Forest Grove, Ore.

ence leading Whitman men’s tennis team will welcome Pacific University and Linfield College to Walla Walla this weekend for matches on Friday and Saturday, April 2 and 3. The men will be playing at home for the first time in two weeks as they spent their Spring Break playing nine matches in Oregon and California.

Golf: Whitman’s golfers will travel to

Yakima, Wash. Saturday, April 3, for a match three-way match with the University of Puget Sound and Whitworth University at Apple Tree Golf Course. Both the men’s and women’s teams will use this tournament to sharpen their games for next weekend’s Northwest Conference Spring Classic.

S SATURDAY, March 27

Baseball: George Fox 21, Whitman College 3 L–Mercado (1-6) Score by Innings R H E Whitman.... 100 000 101 - 3 8 3 George Fox.. 062 054 13x - 21 21 0 George Fox 23, Whitman College 3 L–Korsmo (0-4) Score by Innings R H E Whitman.... 101 000 000 - 2 6 3 George Fox.. 282 402 23x - 23 26 2

SUNDAY, March 28

Baseball: George Fox 13, Whitman College 5 L-Mercado (1-6)

Score by Innings R H E Whitman.... 201 000 100 - 4 13 4 George Fox.. 402 010 42x - 13 18 0

Women's Tennis: Whitworth University 7, Whitman College 2 Singles—Burns (WU) d. Roberg (WC) 6-2, 7-5; Otto (WC) d. Marshall (WU) 6-3, 6-2; Towne (WU) d. DeBree (WC) 6-4, 6-2; Bosman (WU) d. Kaur (WC) 6-3, 6-4; Staudinger (WU) d. Rolston (WC) 6-2, 6-4; Wingfield (WU) d.

Kunkel-Patterson (WC) 6-4, 6-7 (7-5), 1-0 (10-4); Doubles—Burns/Marshall (WU) d. Otto/Roberg (WC) 8-6; DeBree/Kaur (WC) d. Towne/Bosman (WU) 8-4; Wingfield/Staudinger (WU) d. Kunkel-Patterson/Rolston (WC) 8-5.

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A&E

Apr. 1, 2010

5

MOVIE REVIEW

Burton, Depp combo botches ‘Alice’; bad accents ruin ‘Shutter Island’ KWCW SHOW OF T HE W EEK

by BECQUER MEDAKSEGUIN Movie Reviewer

"Alice in Wonderland"

contributed by KWCW Whitman SPORTS Radio with Gabe and Doyle DJs Gabe and Doyle discuss all the hot topics in the SPORTing world spanning everywhere from Whitman intramurals to the NFL draft. If you’re wondering about the contents of Ron Artest’s locker this week or even if the WNBA still exists, listen in to hear two guys (sometimes three) scrutinize SPORTS in between the choicest selections of Jock Jams, all volumes.

6 Hotttttest Topics: 1. March Madness (Jon Scheyer Sucks) 2. Tiger Woods at Augusta (but not golf) 3. LeBron vs. Kobe (debated every week for at least 25 minutes) 4. FIFA World Cup (The golden god who is Lionel Messi) 5. Best IM Football Touchdown Celebrations 6. Why does Onionfest happen?

Listen to Whitman SPORTS Radio with Gabe and Doyle every Tuesday 1-2 p.m. only on KWCW 90.5 FM, kwcw.net.

Enough already! This film marks the 18th time Lewis Carroll’s 19th-century classic has been adapted to the big screen and the seventh time Tim Burton has tapped Johnny Depp for a leading role. Dare I say, both feats achieved by the release of this film are unnecessary, unwarranted and unimpressive.

If Burton’s latest indecisive, moody, disaster of a movie is an indication, the 63rd Cannes Film Festival could be one of the worst on record (Burton is to be the President of the Jury of Cannes this year). Very rarely have I ever trusted Burton for innovative storytelling, and his latest film, “Alice in Wonderland,” is no exception. I trust Burton, perhaps in the same way I trust James Cameron, for at least some sort of aesthetic pleasure, however, and, fortunately, he delivers.

Burton’s Wonderland is populated with the same anthropomorphized beings we’ve come to know and love (or despise, when it comes to the Red Queen), altered in quirky, yet only cynically amusing ways. Many of the scenes he puts them in capture the

devastating, dilapidated and dire moment in which Alice has “returned” to a place she still considers a dream. Yet, while what we are watching on screen represents a cohesive aesthetic, what we hear is a tension between wannabe satire and wannabe happy adventure story that comes close to the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.

Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” is nothing new or interesting—a requirement for a story’s umpteenth adaptation. For the future, let’s hope Johnny decides to break it off with Tim and return to the glory days of, say, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.”

"Shutter Island" Martin Scorsese’s nostalgia for '50s film noir is palpable in his latest film, “Shutter Island,” and, like Burton and Depp, he reunites with Leonardo DiCaprio. Fortunately, it’s only the fourth time he and DiCaprio have teamed up and, fortunately, his films with the former young stud actor have represented, perhaps, the best Hollywood has to offer these days (see “The Aviator” or “The Departed”). But unfortunately, “Shutter Island,” billed as a psychological mystery-thriller

about a pair of U.S. marshals who go to a psych hospital on an island to figure out what’s exactly happening, d o e s n’ t measure up to his previous features or the Italian film he produced last year, “Gomorrah.”

The film tries desperately to be a psychological thriller, yet it ventures, almost unnecessarily, into horror during much of its 138 minutes. The film ratchets up its psychologically confounding scenes while, at the same time, asking for the audience to pay close attention to all the minimal details the film presents, usually delivered

with a terrible Baahston accent. Neither of these tasks is enjoyable nor do they allow the audience to feel the true horror taking place at Dr. John Cawley’s (Ben Kingsley) Ashecliff Hospital.

A formalist venture into surrealist territory, “Shutter Island” doesn’t let the viewer breathe with its whirlwind of supposed clues, flashbacks and hallucinations. Everyone will be able to understand the Scorsese’s central point— Teddy’s (DiCaprio) struggle to determine the boundary that separates Shutter Island from his perception of it—but only apologists of the cinematic brand name that gave us “Raging Bull” and “Goodfellas” will have the audacity to say that the film imbues that struggle with any importance.

O. JOHNSON

PIO PICKS Each week, The Pioneer highlights a few events happening on campus or in Walla Walla during the weekend. Here are this week’s picks: The 16th Annual Luau: Ka Mo’olelo ‘O Hawai’i (Legend of Hawai’i) Hui Aloha hosts its annual luau, where you can expect a full, buffetstyle Hawaiian dinner and an evening full of entertainment including dancers, singers and prizes.

Tickets are available Thursday, April 1, and Friday, April 2, in Reid Campus Center at lunch, or in the Intercultural Center (upstairs in Reid) 9-5. Reid Campus Center Ballroom. Saturday, April 3, 5:307 p.m. Tickets are $5 for Whitman students/faculty, $8 for community members and free for children under six.

Fridays at Four Recital Series: New Works of Whitman Composers The Music Department presents the works of several current composition students as well as two alumni. The concert will feature original works by Kristin ViningStauffer ‘98, Jesus Vesquez ‘09, Marshall Baker ‘10, Josh Bothun with David Kanaga ‘10, and Kevin McCoy ‘10. Chism Recital Hall. Friday, March 31 at 4 p.m. Free.

Kaley Eaton’s Senior Voice Recital After she was forced to cancel her recital last month due to a last minute case of bronchitis, senior music major Kaley Eaton is back in action, and ready to perform Renaissance and Baroque soprano repertoire. Accompanying her will be an early music ensemble, including harpsichord, organ, cello and lute.

Chism Recital Hall. Saturday, April 3, 7:30-8:30 p.m. Free.

ALDEN

CROSSWORD PUZZLE 1

2

3

4

5

12

6

8

7

13 16

17

18

19

20

22 27

31

32 35

38

39

28

36

11

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37 41

40

47 50

23

26

10

14

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21

9

42

43

48

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46

49

51

52

53

54

55

56

57

58

To see answers to last week’s puzzle, see whitmanpioneer.com

by KARL WALLULIS Puzzlemaster

ACROSS 1. Smutty 5. A coordinating conjunction 8. Pay to play 12. Gen ___ (one born after the boomers) 13. Hero of the Pokemon saga 14. Provider of pressure 15. Heath Ledger’s last film role 17. Crowd noise 18. Like some furniture 19. “__ Noël,” France’s Santa Claus 20. Ancient Peruvian civilization 21. Not so much 23. One in an ESL class 25. Org. headed by Ban Ki-moon 26. Tree person from LOTR 27. With 32-Across, this puzzle’s theme 29. “The Declaration __ Independence” 30. Author James 31. He defeated AES in ’52 and ‘56 32. See 27-Across 33. Game that is said to be deeper than Chess 34. Nazi military wing 35. Typesetter’s measure 37. Imitate a dove 38. Rihanna and Jay-Z hit 43. The 10 Commandments, e.g.

47. Wade’s opponent 48. Attempts to win 49. Backhand 50. “You’ve got to be kidding” 52. Important part of a psychology thesis 53. Big continent

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54. Exist 55. “I’ll drink to that” 56. It’s considered when giving financial aid 57. Genesis rival 58. Peppermint patty maker DOWN 1. Apollo’s mother 2. Breathed out 3. 1967 Godard film 4. He invented the slam dunk 5. EZ-__ 6. The U in EULA 7. The fourth Fibonacci number 8. Prankster’s favorite holiday 9. Like much signage 10. Common amusement park ride 11. Dry cleaners, grocery store, et al.

16. Black __ 22. Take the wheel 24. Batman’s is a bat 27. 6th note in a scale 28. Comedian Rocca 36. Cronkite’s specialty 37. Brahmins and others 38. Like most violent crime 39. It may be optical 40. Contradict 41. Lindsey of “Freaky Friday” 42. River going through Tours 44. Remember the ___ 45. Ingredient for life 46. Whup 51. Lass’s counterpart

PARENTS COMPLAIN

GEORGE BRIDGES

Easter Bunny no longer good holiday mascot due to egregious soul patch

. . . knows what’s going on for record eleven seconds

page 4

WHITMAN COLLEGE Walla Walla, WA Volume CXXVI Issue 8 whitmanpioneer.com A. , 

page 256

PEEKAFU**INGBOO And you thought it’d never actually happen to you. Well, we got you. page 16

the Homesteader

WOLVES ON CAMPUS!

How dorms are really assigned

GOLD AND VON HOFFTEN Wild and hungry wolves playfully tickle a student as onlooking first-years keep themselves from joining in on the fun.

As wolf puppy season approaches, Whitties are brought together by their love of these beautiful creatures and their excitement to have even more wolves on campus soon. Students and faculty say they love seeing the wolves roaming around the grounds, and think that the animals help create the natural ambiance on which the school prides itself, one that is filled with wild, hungry wolves.

“The wolf packs are a delightful part of campus life, and I get a real treat from just parking myself on a bench and watching them interact,” said Professor Shelly Stone.

Many students claim that the wolves are one of their favorite things about Whitman.

“They are just so cute!” said sopho-

more Kelley Joseph.

This is an especially exciting time for wolf-loving Whitties, as most agree that the wolf pups are cuter and feistier than the adults.

Senior Janice Stevens told The Pio, “I spent last weekend baking a ton of funfetti cakes to leave around campus for the babies. The babies are my favorite! And they love funfetti.”

Each year, students welcome the wolf pups, and some first-years just can’t resist them.

Sophomore Katie Goodman told The Pio about her pup-mania.

“Last year I caught one of the pups and secretly kept it in my room in Prentiss. Jessica, my roommate, lost some pretty big pieces of her feet and her entire DVD collection, thanks to

that little rascal, Jacob. That’s what I named him. He is so mischievous and adorable! My roommate had some weird wolf phobia though. She ended up transferring,” she said.

Regardless of how the wolves came to be at the college, they are undeniably an important part of student life now. Of course, it’s not always just fun and fur. The Whitman College Health Center reports that 14 to 35 wolf-related deaths occur on campus every year.

As Head Nurse Barbara Landingham told us, “It’s just in the wolves’ nature. They are carnivorous hunters.

There isn’t much other than Prentiss scraps for them to eat here, so unfortunately they are sometimes forced to hunt the students.”

But even though the wolves often

kill people, students and faculty say that it is a sacrifice they are willing to make for the chance to live among the beautiful creatures. In a campus-wide online poll last week, 100 percent of the school said they thought wolves belonged on campus and would be upset if the administration relocated them to a less populated area. Of course, the wolves have gotten even more popular since last year’s release of the popular film “New Moon.” Plenty of Jacob fans say that the wolves are sexier than ever and that they would DIE if anything happened to them; these fans make up a large part of the powerful Wolf Advocacy Coalition on campus. So it looks like these alpha dogs don’t have anything to worry about for now. Howl on.

University of Whitman online Last semester, President George Bridges announced the highly controversial establishment of the University of Whitman Online. Some members of the faculty and many students remain skeptical about the program’s chances of success, but Bridges defends his pet project with vim and vigor.

“Whitman College is a business,” said Bridges at a live multi-cast press conference this Tuesday, available via Hulu.

“Last year I read an article in Details magazine about the ‘Internet’ and how it is apparently useful to businesses. This move represents a major paradigm shift in our business model. We are finally embracing the 21st century, web 2.0, HTML, bandwidth, mindshare and . . . um . . . iPhone.”

Bridges continued: “The newly established University of Whitman Online offers a variety of courses, including but by no means limited to, Breaded Imperialism: The Socially Constructed Dichotomy of Peanut Butter and Jelly, Modern Orientalism in the Works of Jim Davis and The Chemistry of Art. I am just so excited for the coming academic year,

both online and IRL.” Detractors of the program maintain that the University of Whitman Online is an unnecessary addition to the Whitman learning infrastructure. Even some recently enrolled students have spoken out against the Online University, claiming that it still has many of the same major problems as the real-life college.

“The food sucks,” claimed first-year Jason Benchley, indicating to a halfeaten quesadilla beside a snack bowl full of Doritos. “And I hate my roommates.

They’re always nagging me about doing chores and trying to find a job.”

Benchley’s roommates, John and Nancy Benchley, both employees of Bank of America, refused to comment except to say that they were “damned tired” of Jason’s insistence on referring to their house as “2-West.”

Sophomore Lydia Strong, a transfer from the University of Phoenix Online, said of the University of Whitman Online curriculum: “It’s almost all just discussion-based analysis. I transferred from Phoenix because I didn’t have any friends there, but I was really hoping

W H A T ’ S

ation g i t s e v an in

A

The engine of a bullet train is twice as big as your house! If you laid bullet train engines end-to-end from here to the moon, it would take you 800 HOURS to explain to NASA how you did that!

that I could take some hard sciences.

They don’t have any chemistry past the 200 level, and I can’t take any lab sciences because I don’t live anywhere near a lab. I was really hoping to learn some skills I could use, but this just feels pointless. Besides, people here are just as e-shy as the people at Pheonix. I plan on transferring back next semester.”

Many students also attack UWO for its diversity issues.

“I felt like I was the only nonwhite student in the class,” said Elissa Steamer, a 1/64th South Asian firstyear currently enrolled in the 300-level environmental politics course South Asian Culture in European Musicology. “ T h e te acher

B U L L E T

would always e-call on me whenever our i-texts for that day referenced any ethnicity other than Caucasian. I can’t tell obviously if any of the other students are ‘of color’ but judging from their responses to the online forums, probably not.”

Students and faculty agree that the project will be shut down within the year.

Bridges issues a press release responding to critics, in which he stated: “Kindle! E-harmony! iPad! Facebook!”

LOOS-DIALLOS

The Jan-starts were recently sorted into dorms in a rather unconventional way. A few days into school, a Janstart came forward and said that part of the orientation was receiving dorm assignments from the infamous Sorting Hat from “Harry Potter.”

“I was sitting down at dinner during orientation week and I felt George Bridges put something on my head.

I looked up and it was a really oldlooking hat. I tried to take it off but it bit me! I was really angry after that, and I think that’s why I ended up in North, as revenge,” said Jan-start John Brown.

But how did George Bridges get the Sorting Hat? “‘Stole’ is such an ugly word,” Bridges said. “I borrowed it from Dumbledore’s office and fully intend to return it sometime in the distant future.”

“I wanted a more accurate way to sort people into dorms. So I borrowed the Sorting Hat—who prefers to be called Harry Potter by the way, which is pretty weird, I guess he really likes Harry or something, but I don’t call him that—and spent five minutes teaching him dorm stereotypes, and then I put him to work!” said Bridges.

The Sorting Hat sorted all Jan-starts during dinner in Prentiss, which, according to Bridges, “is like the Great Hall but better.”

The Sorting Hat revealed the students’ innermost thoughts during the sorting process, which led to anger by some who wondered, “Why couldn’t he just think rather than talk and avoid embarrassing me like that?”

“He’s thinking about partying in a smelly, sweaty dorm room—2-West.”

Thus Anton Shivers received his dorm assignment.

“She’s thinking about being in a group of friends and not saying anything—so quiet. Lyman.”

The Sorting Hat reportedly sorted anyone who didn’t fit a clear-cut dorm stereotype into North.

“Look at her crazy strong legs and listen to those lungs! North it is!” Jamie Strong was assigned to a single in North.

“Aha! I see you’ve thought about old hospitals before! North!”

“Hmm you’re a little concerned about having a roommate, well you can live in a single in North then!”

Bridges took the Sorting Hat aside to try to explain dorm assignment criteria further before the 20 remaining Jan-starts were sorted into North.

However, the Sorting Hat emerged angry and spiteful.

“For the last time, my name is ‘Harry Potter’ not ‘Sorting Hat’! You can all live in Prentiss!”

“Even the boys?” a startled Bridges asked.

“Especially the boys! MUAHAHAHAHA!” the Sorting Hat yelled.

Bridges placed his head in his hands in anguish.

“I don’t know how Dumbledore does it,” he said.

T R A I N ? ! ? !

WOLFF

Bullet trains were invented in Japan when a spaceship got a train pregnant.

The baby wolf car is the most adorable car that can kill you other than the car that is empty except for Malia Obama, holding a gun that is clearly too big for her. Oh, Malia…

NEWS

2

BREAKING NEWS:

Racism is over!

Apr. 1, 2010

First-year defends Jewett from “robbers,” creates extensive damage

FENNELL Jed Wolffe, ‘13 is dragged from Jewett hall where he had resided during Spring Break.

On the morning of Sunday, March 28, Jewett Hall was reopened, and the residential staff discovered that first-year Jed Wolffe had been living in the hall, despite its closure, for the duration of spring break.

Wolffe had reportedly woken up at 2:30 p.m. Saturday, March 13, to find the dorm empty. After waking up, he exclaimed, “I made everyone in Jewett disappear!” before “acting like an 8-year-old would if he discovered he was left at home alone,” said

a source wishing to remain anonymous.

The upset, however, came not from the fact that a resident lived alone in Jewett for all of spring break but the complete state of disrepair the hall was in after those two weeks.

There were toy cars, feathers and broken Christmas ornaments all over the main floor of Jewett and large paint stains on the stairs explained by empty paint cans hanging by string that reportedly looked to be some sort of “booby trap,” according to the Resident Director of Jewett.

Wolffe claimed that two people came to rob Jewett during break, and he defended the residence hall in every way he could think of.

“I was home alone, and I did what I had to do to protect my home,” said Wolffe with an air of triumph.

Additionally, there was evidence of fire damage and BB gun pellets littering the floor. There were also several nails lying on the stairs, which could be very dangerous if stepped on, according to an expert.

“The robbers said that I was just a kid, and that kids are stupid. But I sure showed them!” said Wolffe.

But it wasn’t all setting traps and fighting crime. Wolffe described his two weeks alone in the residence hall as “transforma-

tional, but difficult.”

“Four days into my stay, I accidentally locked myself out of my room. I slept in the hallway after that,” Wolffe said.

Wolffe said that one night, he took a break while in the process of hanging up paint cans to “give the robbers what they deserve” and woke up 10 hours later in a puddle of paint. After that, he was careful to designate a sleeping area in the hallway.

Wolffe said it was also difficult to be without human interaction for such an extended period of time.

“At night in the hallway, the posters became my friends. I would have long conversations with the Whittie Drinking Poster. When it came time to protect Jewett, he encouraged me to do what I had to do.”

Unfortunately, Woffe doing what he “had to do,” has resulted in thousands of dollars in damages.

It has recently been confirmed that the two “robbers” were actually two custodians who came to Jewett to clean during the break. The custodians called Wolffe’s traps “unoriginal” and said they had no trouble performing their maintenance duties.

Wolffe has since been taken into police custody.

Senior thesis abstracts proposed BULLION Hari Raghavan ‘13 and Hadley Mowe ‘13 celebrate the complete and irreversible end of racism

For Joann Collins, last Tuesday started out like any other day, but something was different.

“On my way to work an AfricanAmerican gentleman approached me to ask for directions,” claims Ms. Collins, “and I gave them to him! I didn’t even pretend to not hear him and walk away briskly.”

Joann is not alone, as by most reports it appears that racism is now over.

It is what many are calling “the pat on the back heard round the world,” as the unexpected trend is taking the nation by storm.

“It truly appears that most Americans no longer harbor any animosity towards people of other races,” says local Civil Rights Attorney Fred Parsons. He continues, “I’ve been fighting for this day for my whole life, but honestly I never thought it would come. Literally never. I think I need to find a new job.”

Racism, of course, started as a social experiment in the early 18th Century to see if scientists could arbitrarily channel hatred. The experiment quickly got out of hand as many started actively participating in racism; that is until today.

“I know it sounds pretty shocking,” said expert Don Lincoln in a phone interview, “but the popular consensus among experts is that Chico State Sophomore Fred Johnson ended racism by finishing the fifth season of HBO’s ‘The Wire.’”

For a man many are nicknaming the white Martin Luther King Jr., Johnson is very modest about his accomplishments.

“I just rented the discs from Netflix and eventually got around to watching them,” says the man who struck the final blow against centuries of institutionalized oppression. “I thought the show was okay. I really thought the cops were

badass, but yeah I don’t consider myself a ‘hero.’ In all honesty, I am much more into ‘LOST.’” Johnston’s achievement rivals the heroic completion of the final season of “E.R.” by Linda McHale, which directly led to the recent passage of Health Care Reform.

The general public is still reacting to the news of Fred Johnson’s achievement.

George Rangon, a local Walla Walla resident, described his discovery of the event: “I recently applied for a job at a competitive firm and lost it to another more qualified applicant. I mean, I was just less qualified than the guy, it oddly doesn’t matter that he is of a different race.”

Other Americans have expressed similar puzzlement as Mr. Rangon, perplexed by their newfound non-racist attitudes. For example, Youtube commenter DunhmanFan29 wrote in response to a recent video: “It’s like I’ve lost my voice.

I used to just sit in front of the computer while surges of irrational hatred pulsed through my body onto the keyboard. It is as if now, I think before I write.”

However, not everyone is celebrating the news of racism being over; just ask satirist John Phillips.

“The satire industry has been rocked by the end of racism,” said Phillips, “it’s like, what is there to play off if not race relations? No one wants to read satire based on sexism and classism.”

Phillips’ claims may be somewhat warranted; analyzing the historic drop in satire journal readership it would appear nobody is asking, “What’s the deal?” with different races anymore.

“I honestly had no clue when I started Season One, that by the end of it I would single-handly end racism,” said Fred Johnson, “You’re welcome I guess?”

The Pioneer recently got an exclusive look at many of this year’s upcoming senior theses. Here is a taste of what Whitman seniors are writing about: Major: History Title: How the West Was One: A Study of Fascism from 1992-2000 Author: Jacob Mathews Description: My honors thesis will compare social constructions of fascism in Western discourse within Hitler’s Germany, Mao’s China and Clinton’s United States of America. Using a Rankian analysis, I will interrogate how “blowjob activist” President William Jefferson Clinton subversively perpetuated a Fascist narrative throughout his tenure in the Oval Office in order to unify the West under his rule.

Major: Theater Title: Keeping a Journal: An Actor’s Journey from Within Author: Scarlet Bovine Description: What is performance?

Where is théatre? When is “acting”? I will keep a weekly-ish journal of my deepest socially constructed thoughts in order to capture how the actor blossoms from a cliché into a butterfly. Also, I may not use a “physical” journal per sé, but more of an internal journal through stream of consciousness thought pröcess.

Major: Rhetoric and Film Studies Title: Method Viewing: Deconstructing “Passive Watch” Author: Marina Scottsdale Description: In our society, we always hear about “method acting,” wherein an actor embodies the character they are playing through complete submission into their role (Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix, Matthew Perry, et al). For my thesis, I will attempt the practice of “method viewing,” wherein I completely submerge myself into the world of the film I am watching in order to eliminate the reified passivity of “audienceship.”

I will “method view” “Shakespeare in Love,” “There Will Be Blood” and “Flubber,” so that I may fully grasp what it

means to “watch” a film.

Major: Biology Title: Boa Constrictors: A Marxist Construction Author: Charles Johnson Description: My senior thesis will study how the sensational “liberal left” has successfully socially constructed the boa constrictor for consumers as an apparatus of Marxist socialism. In the plurality of Scientific Journals, the boa constrictor is clearly the center of Foucault’s “Panopticon;” put differently, as a prodigious serpentine species which perpetually produces harmful knowledge.

Major: Politics Title: The Social Construction of “Social Construction”: A Paradigm of Words Author: William Turson Description: My thesis will delve into the socially constructed nature of “social construction” as a theoretical concept

for rhetorical use in our society. I believe that “SocConPower”–a term I invented– is the best way to analyze the academic phenomenon of “social construction” as a socially constructed basis for establishing power relations. I will heavily quote long passages from Foucault, Derrida, Marx and Said in order to deconstruct the “SocConPower” paradigm.

Major: English Title: Pretty Rabbits: A Study In Soft Author: Lennie Small Description: I want to write down things about how soft and pretty rabbits are and live on a farm with my best friend George. I just want to pet the pretty rabbits and take care of them and not make them get too loud cause I don’t want to hush the pretty rabbit, but if the rabbit is too loud I gotta hush it. I don’t wanna hurt no thing I just want to be with rabbits on a big farm.

O. JOHNSON

Joel’s Party: Come Get It! If you are reading this, you have received my strategically hidden invite to the hottest party of ‘010. Sloth Fresh! Here’s the dealio: Parties these days suck. Not enough dancing, not enough hotties, not enough ecstacy. This weekend, I plan on fixing all that, so all you PYTs reading this right now better write it in your Moleskine and plan on actually showing up, because this ad kind of suggests that you will be there. Got it, ladies?

What: Great tunes (we’re talking Justin Bieber, Chingy, Sublime), cool crowd, Doritos, non-stop dancing.

Where: Joel’s house, no duh.

When: Saturday, April 3 from 9 p.m. until whenever the cops shut us down.

Am I right!?

Who: Everyone. By that I mean cuties, chill bros . . . whoever! But no freshmen.

Indie band releases third album of debatable merit “I wouldn’t say it’s our Unforgettable Fire, no.”

We’re sitting down with Gilman Vandals frontman Chet Finnley. The singer-guitarist and keyboardist Axel Holly have met us in their favorite East Bay coffeeshop to discuss the duo’s third studio album, Pavlov in Plaid.

He continued.

“No, it’s really more like our Takk . . . Except, you know, without the gross prostitution of selling the music to commercial interests,” Finnley said, rolling a cigarette.

“I don’t even look up to those guys anyway,” Holly declared.

So who are the band’s musical idols?

“Well, let’s change that word,” says Holly. “Idols, that’s just a construct of

the mass marketing machine. We don’t have idols. We’re not that into other bands.”

If not from other art, where does the band find inspiration for their music?

“The terrible irony of modern life,” said Finnley. He nodded thoughtfully.

“Like with the song ‘We’ll Never See Moscow.’ I saw this girl walking out of an old record shop with a Crosley Stack-O-Matic in her arms, and I saw the smog-dimmed sun strike her platinum hair, and I realized she was going to go home and use it to listen to Lady Gaga vinyls. And I just . . . I went to this club and got really messed up and cried and then I woke up in Brussels naked with five other people. And then I came home and wrote the song.”

Finnley fished Pavlov out of his bag

The LOST car is set in 1979 and everyone’s hair is always a little wet.

OR IS IT?

and places it on the table.

“You see the cover art?” he asked.

It is a man and a llama wandering through a purplish alley, in attractive ink pen, on 100% recyclable paper product.

“That’s exactly what it’s about, man.

There are these influences, these pressures, and we don’t know where they’re coming from, but we’re all following them. That’s the inspiration.”

Holly huffed impatiently.

“Well, that’s one way of looking at it, but I don’t care for the term ‘inspiration,’ you know? It’s not all one guy wandering around on qualudes and music falling out of the sky; songs take hard work. The media never understands that.”

A phone rang, Trace Cyrus’s voice

The sociology majors’ car is exclusively for the drifters/want-to-bemothers/want-to-be-drifters who have gained enough SocConPower to interpret the train for what it really is—which we will explain to you if you just please let us come to your party? PLEASE!!

bursting into tinny chorus. Shake shake, shake shake, uh shake it… The two look at each other.

“I don’t have a phone, man,” Finnley said dismissively. Holly blushed and answered the phone.

Their manager called to tell them of a T-shirt screw-up—rather than printing in America, the label attempted to save costs by going through a foreign sweatshop. The group left, swearing in mispronounced Russian.

We walk over to the girl lurking at a nearby table, exclusive vinyl printing of Pavlov in Plaid peeking nonchalantly out of her tattered messenger bag. She stares intensely at the East Bay Express and toys with a latte.

Is she a fan?

“Of—oh those guys?” she replies.

Did you know? No bullet train has ever run for US Office.

“Oh, no. Just chilling in this café. I thought I saw them walk in earlier, but you know, I was preoccupied. Yeah, they’re an okay band, I guess.”

How does she feel about the latest album?

“Well, I mean obviously, their first two albums were infinitely better,” she says. “I don’t know if Chet is trying to go emo or what, but he’s all like—oh, love, my feelings, let me sing about them and be whiny and sad. It used to be deeper. They’ve probably sold out, trying to get radio play. Every band sells out eventually. This is like, their sell-out album. But, it’s okay listening, like if you get bored or something.”

Bored hipsters, break out those circumaural headphones and head to your local independent music store.

0

A&E

The Homesteader ISSUE 8 APR. 1, 2010 Page 3

Marmaduke

T ECH REVIEW

: First impressions or the internet cops, but I’m pretty sure that this is, like, a private Hollywood site for executive agents. A site that people upload auditions and stuff so that execs can sign deals for them.

I think this Internet site also has, kind of like, an archive of auditions and video performances. I saw a video of that crazy girl, her name is Lady Gaga I think. Well, there’s a video of her playing the piano as a normal young girl at her college. Almost like a young Norah Jones. It’s no wonder she got big off of this Internet site. Some of them are really funny sometimes, and some of them are just really bad auditions, how embarrassing for them. Like why would that kid bite that other kid’s finger? Those kids should’ve spent more time on their performance.

There’s this really cool idea I’ve had in my head for a while. And I’m not saying I’m, like, going to get signed based off of this one audition but I’m thinking my chances are pretty high. I mean, Lady Gigi or Stefani or whatever her name is did it and I’m a lot more at-

by JADE GILL Contributing Reporter

SONG

L AME EVEN TS C ALENDAR Each week, The Pio highlights a few events happening on campus or in Walla Walla during the weekend.

Here are this week’s picks: Saturday 12:15 p.m.: The WTF, FML Morning Reflection Hosted in dark, ramen-stenched rooms across campus Join dozens of students as they all rise from bed questioning the occurrences of the previous night but then realize that they did not, in fact, blackout the night before, but rather they watched three mystery genre movies on Hulu and fell asleep around 11 p.m. while eating a bowl of ramen.

Sunday 3:30 p.m.: Library Awareness Hour Taking place in any location that’s not the library and that smells vaguely of beer or Mike’s Hard Lemonade The library is hosting a “Library Awareness” hour between 3:30 and 4:30 p.m. Please think about going to or spending time in the library during this hour. You probably won’t actually make it there, but at least you’re aware that that’s where you should be at that time.

8:15 p.m.: Workshop on Conducting a Persuasive Inner Dialogue Occurring in students’ own mind on a couch in their dorm

In conjunction with Library Awareness Hour, students will be hosting a workshop on how to persuade one’s self out of making the three-minute walk to the library to work on the three-page paper that is due Monday.

Workshop will teach you which persuasive technique works best for your learning style: Telling yourself you will be able to do it faster and better in the morning and proceeding to watch House, spilling coffee all over your T-shirt thus convincing yourself that your laundry must be done now, followed by a 45-minute shower or simply falling asleep.

Wednesday 9:15 p.m.: Securing Coitus in a Recession Basement of Reid, Mail Room Come to the mail room to listen as a junior returning from studying abroad in Argentina flirts with a girl from his politics class while talking to her about his “awesome home stay with the nicest old woman” only to follow that with “if you’re interested, you should come over sometime and look at pictures.” Afterwards, there will be a lunch session on how to plan a summer itinerary that would make you more attractive and desirable to the opposite sex in the Study Abroad Office. This includes a brief discussion on the various countries in which you’d have the best chances getting laid.

New, Hip Teen Slang The Pio is nothing if not trendy, and we are always ahead of the times when it comes to the “fetchest” things to say. Try dropping some of this sweet slang, whether you’re tossing the disc around the quad or creating a post on your web blog, and we guarantee you’ll look like the coolest cat around!

I was on the world wide web the other day because I just got a Webmail Yahoo account and, like, I stumbled across this Web site that’s called, I don’t really remember but I am totally in love with this thing. I just started clicking around and all of a sudden a video, YA I KNOW, like a video on the TV except on the computer showed up of this guy dancing for me. He, like, went from doing this Elvis dance to like a ‘50s dance then to, like, a ‘90s hip hop dance all in one go. It was really really awesome. Then I saw this video of a girl singing that one song by that guy who wears a fedora, what’s his name? Mraz or whatever, and she was playing the guitar, the acoustic kind, at the same time. She, like, slowed down the song a lot though and really made it her own. What talent!

I don’t really want to, like, let too many people know about it though, because I think I managed to hack into this Web site somehow and I don’t want to get in trouble with the government

tractive than her and have a pretty good voice because, I like, don’t own one of those music boxes that my sisters have so I have to sing to myself when I’m exercising or whatever. My idea is to sing a sped up version of Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” and find a way to put it onto the Web site for the executives to see.

It’s a really tough song and I’m sure not many people attempt it but I think I’ll just get one of those live video recorder things and play my xylophone and really show those executives that I have the “it” factor. Seriously though, look for me on the next MTV “upcoming artists” commercial. I’ll probably be on there with the girl who sang that Mraz song.

Jade Gill has a BA in Philosophy and Classical Studies from the Great Books College of Western Thought located in Santa Fe, N.M. Her only experience using computers consists of her extensive knowledge of WordPress. Under no circumstances should she explain anything computer-related.

Kinkade, puzzle provider Hi. This is Kinkade, your puzzleprovider. Sorry.

I like puzzles and I made some. Molly, the editor-in-chief, said I had to say something about myself to connect to the readers.

You don’t have to read it. Sorry.

I started making puzzles when I was six after my mom said, “You better find a talent now that you’re too ugly for male beauty pageants.” Here is a puzzle: WORD SCRAMBLE: Rearrange the letters to create new words. Write in the answers and use the letters in the circles to answer the riddle.

1) b a l l b a s e

________

2) b a l l m e a t

________

3) b a l l b o w l i n g

___________

4) b a t b a s e b a l l

___________

Riddle: This is what I say when I see small dogs: _ _ _ _

Sorry. I’ve never read a whole puzzle all the way through because every time I bring home a puzzle book my mom tears it in half because she thinks it’s a phonebook. She has been training for the World’s Strongest Woman contest all my life, which is why I cry when I hear weights clink together. Here is a puzzle: WORD PUZZLE: Look at the pictures and letters to create a new word - iano +

+

- mbrella +

- eap year +

- ebra

- xtra virgin olive oil

Sorry. I’ve never shown my puzzles to anyone except my stuffed animals and the crushed cans of whey powder my mom gave me to replace the stuffed animals that she used to clot up her boyfriend’s neck wound.

Here is a puzzle: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE:

Jazz Friendlies Bumping Uglies. Whoopie. Playing a quick game of “Hide the Sausage.” Making the beast with two backs. People have always found ways to get around the word “sex,” and this is the sexiest slang for 2010. Suggest a little “jazz friendlies” to the next cutie you meet at the Sig house this weekend, and we bet you they’ll know what you have in mind!

A woman is crushing a bowling ball with her hands

A woman is crushing a bowling ball with her thighs

Jack Bauer Call it “pop,” “soda,” or “cola” if you’re a square, but call it “Jack Bauer” if you need a drink and you know how to look cool ordering it. Teens in Florida, where most trends start, have started referring to their refreshments by the name of this notorious Fox badass, and you will too if you know what’s good for you.

Here are two puzzles. Please do the last one.

CROSSWORD

Hall & Oates It’s hard to keep current with the drug lingo, and no one likes to look like a fool in front of his or her dealer. So, next time you are hoping to go reefer mad, ask your dealer if they can hook you up with some “Hall & Oates.” This is what it is actually called in the drug dealer community, so you will sound like a pro and might even score a discount.

1

2

across: 1) Fifteen letter word for “crossword puzzle.”

2) The number two.

Down: 2) ___ down.

Sloth Fresh!

When your friend tells you they’ve just scored some “jazz friendlies” out on Ankeny or finally gotten an ace grade on a religion paper, don’t embarrass yourself by settling for “Nice Job!” or “Awesome!” You might as well slap your friend in the face. Instead, offer them a congratulatory “Sloth Fresh, Brian!”

You’ll make that friend feel great about himself while you look like a regular Shakespeare, but smarter.

Biscuits

LOGIC If a person flies to Boston on Friday and gains three hours, then spends daylight savings day buying his mom raw chicken and groceries because she broke her back in a steroid spasm, then gains three hours flying back to Seattle, where he has a two hour layover, can anybody pick him up from the airport?

Answer:

Sorry

It doesn’t matter which professor you are talking to: if you refer to them by the nickname “Biscuits,” they will LOVE IT. For example, “Biscuits, I hope you don’t mind if I turn in my paper next week instead.” Or, “You are looking sexy in a Susan Sarandon kind of way today, Biscuits, and I would love to get to know your off-campus house a little better.”

ILLUSTRATIONS BY E. JOHNSON

Opinion

The Homesteader ISSUE 8 APR. 1, 2010 Page 4

A

YOU HIPPIES ARE TOTALLY HELPING!!!!!

Hippies, thank God for you.

I’m just a polar bear. Who cares about me? I can barely hunt fish with my face. But you! You are SO important!

A POLAR “Elm” Hannity.

BEAR CUB I love you for your Columnist cool name almost as much as I love you for bringing a canvas bag that says, “What have you done for the earth today?” when you go shopping. I THINK MY ICESHELF/HOUSE IS REFORMING JUST FROM THAT! I can see that you know only canvas bags can cancel out the damage of buying 20 NONR E C YC L A B L E D-batteries just so you can carry around a boom box playing Atmosphere so everyone in 4-West will think you are multi-cultural.

“Sarcasm?” Who just shouted that?

I don’t even know what that word means,

I’m just a polar bear cub with huge watery eyes. I’m too cute to be making an underhanded attack here.

Rebecca Stewart, thank you so much for going berserk at that first-year in the library who didn’t print double sided. I THINK MY MOM JUST UN-DROWNED! I’m so glad you used both sides to print your e-ticket back to Berkeley, where you flew to JUST so you

could sleep with your yoga instructor one more time before his wedding. Two tanks of jet fuel TOTALLY DOES LESS

DOUGLAS

For months, I have sat back and fumed silently while the swill printed on the Backpage continued to cross the line.

You frequently offended me greatly, but I decided to ignore it.

Until now. A few weeks ago, a manatee that had somehow found its way onto Ankeny starved to death. I tried to feed it dining hall food, but it wouldn’t eat grilled cheese or tacos or wraps and it died before we made it to Fish Friday. Then, your piece comes out about manatees on campus. Ap-

palling. And no coincidence, as some Backpage supporters claimed.

And on that same page you had the piece about the Olympics correspondent, which was also really insensitive because IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO MIX UP VANCOUVER, WASH., AND VANCOUVER, B.C. Other people have made that mistake, and it’s not something to laugh about. When you book a hotel room for two weeks and then suddenly try to cancel those reservations a few days before because you’re in a car with your friends going to the Olympics and they’re driv-

ing north, not south, and you call the hotel they just laugh and laugh like no one’s ever made that mistake before and laugh when you ask for your money back and then you’re out hundreds of dollars and have to sleep on the floor of your friend’s hotel room in Vancouver and your friends can’t look at you without laughing, IT’S NOT FUNNY. But like I said, this didn’t just start recently. The Backpage has been riddled with offensive errors since you first printed.

Remember when you published the photo essay “Awkward Gestures that riddle the human realm?” Well, my girlfriend high fived me when we broke up and it wasn’t awkward at all. It seemed totally natural. I knew she was just congratulating me on a great relationship. So you might want to check your facts next time.

I’m gonna come clean with you guys. I’m not buying it. The romantic voice, the vibrato, the crescendo, the sudden pianissiRENEGADIA mo, the gospel or BARNES children’s choir Columnist that comes in halfway through a song that almost always gives me goosebumps.

Yeah, songs that literally make no sense in their message but are musically engaging to make up for this fact.

I’m not buying it and I’ll no longer sit back and be forced to listen to these songs that aren’t convincing because plain and simple, it’s bullshit and I refuse to stand by as musical artists top the charts unquestioned.

“Higher” by Creed

The Backpage has been riddled with offensive errors since you first printed.

Finally, your “Historical Virgins” list claims that Albert Einstein was a virgin. Yeah, right. I bet Albert Einstein got more girls than he knew what to do with. As a fellow IQ-above-130 man, I know that Einstein constantly must have had girls fighting over him. To deny this obvious truth is to commit a hate crime against nerds.

Sincerely, Wolfgang Smalls

BOWMAN peekaFUCKINGboo, rock climber. I hope those 20-year-old ropes don’t break.

polar bear cub! Ice! Tundra! Keiko! Aurora!

ELOISE HAUMAN, what would I do without you and your hard work as head of the carbon footprint team, other than be totally fine? I can hear seals being a plentiful food source JUST from your two to three hours per month of work!

Oh man, did you find that using oil-based compounds to BUILD FAKE ROCKS IN A HUGE HEATED ROOM THAT YOU CLIMB IN was bad for everything on earth, including REAL ROCKS? WEIRD! WOAH. Who just shouted, “How did you learn to read and write, you hyper intelligent bear?” I’m not sure what that means, because my fur is so soft, but I totally did NOT gain telepathic powers or a huge frontal lobe from my slight encounter with the chemical tanker spill that melted my house into the fiery inferno that fried all my siblings like your tofu fondue potlucks.

THAT WOULD BE CRAZY! Thanks, hippies. I’m totally thankful and totally not going to eat you first when I am forced to swim down there.

SONGS AREN’T CONVINCING

LETTER TO THE EDITOR To the editors of the Backpage:

DAMAGE TO THE OZONE THAN SAVING ONE HALF OF A SHEET’S WORTH OF TREE BARK! You’re so much smarter than me!

“Passive Aggression?” Who said that? Seriously, who keeps shouting these things? Those words are too big for me. It’s not like I creep into scientists’ arctic labs at night and teach myself how to use their computers; I’m just a normal

P.S. I have a soul patch, and my mom says it compliments my bone structure. So screw you!

Can you take me Higher?

To a place where blind men see Can you take me Higher?

To a place with golden streets Now, I understand that you’re a “popular” Christian “rock band”, but this segment leaves me really unconvinced that you have even a vague clue about heaven or the higher force. I suppose your rhetorical question can be answered with a, “Yes, He [God] probably can take you higher in your opinion.” But is this what you really think of heaven? Where blind men can see (which by the way is almost wholly a truth on earth as well as heaven thanks to recent technological advances) and where someone managed to spill a bunch of “Saffron Sun” Benjamin Moore paint on the road? I would think if you had a better idea of heaven, you would expect more out

of this “higher” place of which you speak. Unconvincing, Scott Stapp.

“King of Sorrow” by Sade I’m crying everyone’s tears…

I died the night before And all of these remnants of joy and disaster What am I suppose to do

Biology is my personal forte, Sade, and as you are most likely well versed primarily in the music arena, I’m going to help you set some things straight. First and foremost, you must be of male orientation to be deemed a “king.” I believe the word you are actually looking for is “Queen” or “Dame.” And you say you’re crying literally everyone’s tears? That’s outrageous as your lacrimal glands belong only to yourself. “One per person”, as they say. A major flaw in your logic also is that you are dead. You, plain and simply, are not living, TOD last night. Now, I know that in the medical field this does happen, in some cases (heart surgery) they do have to stop and restart your heart, but not in your case, I’m presuming. If you died from, maybe, an explosion of joy and disaster that apparently left you with shrapnel of the joy and disaster in your body, I would still question how exactly you were to be writing this as you are not alive as you admitted. This song baffles me. Every time.

“Superman” by Soulja Boy Soulja Boy off in this oh Watch me lean then watch me rock Super Man dat oh Yeah watch me crank dat Robocop

I’m supposed to do what to whom?

What is crank? Robocop figures in where? No.

What it’s like being a broad!

Listen, you Guys and Dolls back in gussy little Washington, set your rump down and let a raggie like me tell you what life is like when you’re a broad!

QUINN Why even I, TAYLOR just six months Columnist ago, was a silly little patsy in 2-West, wearing your futuristic “modern” clothes, and your “music pods” and your “watches” and walking down “streets.” I did nothing but chase harlots around until one day I lost track of one of them and wandered into the Study A Broad office.

“Study dames,” I thought. “Hot damn, what an idea!”

The toots behind the desk there said I could go study a broad ANYWHERE

in the world!

“And receive credit for it!?” I thought to my silly little self. No grades?

WHAT A LUCKY STRIKE! Right then I told her, I did, that I was going back home to do just that and that she could send me my grades by post. Well, then she put me all in a flutterbox because she said I couldn’t just go home, I had to actually BE A BROAD to receive credit! Then she handed me some silly little pamphlet on Africa. I threw it out, bought this silk dress, some pearls and a wig and moved right away to Los Angeles to be a star!

JEEPERS! Not a damn hepcat in this goshforsaken city knows how to pull down the moola like me, see? I managed to find myself a nice little shanty with a hackie carny over at some place called “Game Stop,” and some Okie who works at a place he calls an “Apple Store.” And

all I have to do is let them snap some photographs of me sleeping in my pearls. I tell you, being a broad is all about using your noggin and dodging the fuzz. That and PEARLS, PEARLS, PEARLS! I’ll go so far as to say these are the best days I’ve ever lived if it weren’t for that hackie Dean of Students. Cleveland is the fellow, I believe. Why, he won’t stop wiring me with news that I need to come back, accusing me of “never actually filing to study a broad in an actual program!” Well I just mailed him a large packet of headshots, see? That should clear things up.

Kids, I gotta tell ya, if you’re gonna take some time to be a broad do, I dare say, LIVE a broad. In fact, maybe you can be a broad in another country while you . . .

Wait . . . FUCK! PHOTO BY VON HAFFTEN

O. JOHNSON

Joel’s Party, Bitches!!

So, I’ve heard Shawn is planning a party on the same night. NBD, I’m totally cool with that. Why? Because that party is going to be lame as fuck. Don’t go.

Seriously. I have SO MANY cool YouTube videos picked out to show everybody, and my playlist is hella long and hella tight.

What: Even more of the stuff from before, plus I just picked up “Wild Hogs” on Blu-Ray in case some people don’t feel like dancing. But who will be able to cork their groove once they hear Smashmouth, Panic! at the Disco and Nickleback?? No one.

Where: Joel’s super-sweet party lair. It’s in Clinton Court. Call me if you need directions. My celli is 838-645-0349.

When: Same time, please don’t forget! And there’s no such thing as fashionably late—just be on time.

Who: Anyone who’s NOT SHAWN. And still no freshmen.

OPINION

Apr. 1, 2010

5

Don’t be a WFR; be a WILDERNESS SECOND RESPONDER! You’re in the woods and it’s dark out. Tree falls, your leg is ripped off by it, plus some wolves, what do you do?

You probably MITCH OBLINGHOFFER don’t know.

Columnist A Wilderness Second Responder comes and, using some forked branches and scraps from their own Northface and other stupid stuff, they bind your leg and it’s all better and whatever and she built you a sled or whatever that you can sit on while she drags you to the campsite. Then the Wilderness First Responder is driving you to the hospital, but she has the AC on and you have just the worst circulation plus that wolf took your knit hat.

What do you do?

You don’t know, do you? And you know what, neither does she. Three words: WILDERNESS. SECOND. RESPONDER. I am one. You’re not. I went through the extensive training once a month at

the YWCA last February/March. I can rattle off the answer to the above scenario in my sleep. Which I’ve done, by the way. You know who can’t? Wilderness First Responders.

“Responders.”

If I’m in the car, I turn on the heat to 65, NO MORE, NO LESS, and then give you a double high five. Why? Three reasons: SIXTY FIVE IS WARM NOT STIFLING DOUBLE HIGH FIVES ACTIVATE BLOOD FLOW IN THE HANDS WHICH IS A REGENERATIVE HEAT SOURCE NOBODY DOESN’T LIKE DOUBLE HIGHFIVES I knew this. Now you do. But not as well as me, because I’m a WSR I saw this moment would come when they trained me as a WSR while your friends were playing with sticks at Whitman getting their WFRs. “Friends.”

You’re probably asking yourself why the Wilderness First Responders don’t know this already. Good question, champ, but that’s a losing battle.

People who insist on being first do so because they want to be the initiate help, but never to truly finish it: The

people who rush first to a drowning victim can save them and call for a doctor, but don’t have time to put sunscreen on everyone i n -

volved. The people who are always itching to reset bones, but don’t bother to get Advil and a frozen snickers. The people who talk about CPR with things like “Check, Call, Care”. C.C.C. is a great acronym if you’re into a) bad acronyms or b) losing battles. As soon as the “experts” get done with that mess, I step up the

knowledge with Ph.D. Three Steps:

PHONE

THEIR MOM, CUZ CHANCES

ARE THEY DON’T DO THAT ENOUGH

HAIL

A CAB AND TELL THE WFR TO

GET LOST, CHAMP

DOUBLE HIGH FIVE

I do this. You don’t. Unless you decide to graduate up to WSR Status.

“How do I know if I’m ready, Mitch?,” you ask softly. Well, cupcake, let me tell you. If you think a burn victim isn’t treated until you ask them if they want you to blow on it, you might be ready. If you think someone hasn’t really come out of shock until you lend them your iPod to play Enya, EVEN IN THE WOODS, you might be ready. And you are ready if you think none of this is enough without three things: DOUBLE. HIGH. FIVE.

Got something to say?

The Pioneer wants to hear your thoughts. All of them. What you had for dinner last night. To be honest, we’re just desperate.

ALDEN

I am aware of a highly important issue Books.

Magazines. A conversation with your friends. It seems like these days you can’t turn anywhere without running into this important isBRANDON MORRIS sue. Fortunately, I have personal inColumnist sight into this conundrum based on a class I took, combined with my semester abroad experience. Did you know this unfortunate dilemma affects thousands of people every year? Of course it does. Everyone knows that.

Once, during my study abroad experience, I experienced this issue almost

first-hand. The other study abroad students and I were out at a “pub” (can you believe that’s what it’s called over there?) and we met someone personally affected by this problem. It really made me think. There are people like that literally everywhere in the world,

Did you know this unfortunate dilemma affects thousands of people every year? but you barely ever hear about them, except for on the news. In my class, we talked about this important issue

briefly, as part of a larger discussion.

I remember being amazed at how important this issue seemed at the time, and it has only become more important since then. This pretty girl sitting next to me seemed to care a lot about it, so I talked a lot during the class, and now I feel like I understand what the basic problem is. There are hundreds of books and magazine articles on this unfortunate circumstance, but no one seems to be able to put down a straightforward solution. I think I have it figured out. If the government would only follow this simple plan I have, then I’m sure this important issue would be sorted out in no time and we could all move on with our lives.

Here is my plan: Step 1: Get all the people on both

sides of this issue into a room and just have them talk to each other. It’s a nobrainer, guys!

Step 2: Write down everything they say to one another, and then e-mail what you have written down to everybody who was there. Maybe make a listserv or something.

Step 3: Environment.

If we follow these simple steps, then I’m sure this important issue would be solved and the world would be a better place. We all have a responsibility as college students to try our best to solve this important issue, and I’m sure that in the end, if we all put our minds to it, we can accomplish our goals and make the world safe for future generations.

Thank you for your time.

PHOTO BY VON HAFFTEN

BOWMAN Welcome back spring. Welcome into the world freshly-born ducklings. peekaFUCKINGboo, ducklings. Keep moving.

Diggity deals at Bed, Bath and motherfu**in’ Beyond!

by JARED McJACKSON Columnist

Yo, it’s your boy, Jared McJackson aka MC McNasty Pimp or DJ Jiggity Jiggity Jack Bones III. Recently I had to start working due to some circumstances outside my control, i.e. girl problems.

But it’s all good like four-inch wood because on the job prowl I followed some honeys into a little store I like to call Bed, Bath and Mother Fuckin’ BEYOOOND! Once I lost those chicks in the home appliances, I took a gander at the diggity DEALS this place was offering and was like, HOLD UP! Now you’re like, “McJack-Town III, are you turning salesman instead of cocksman?” No, because 1. Jared McPimpin’ Bone-Sauce doesn’t give in to the man and 2. I didn’t get the job. But I’m still going to give you the low down on some BITCHIN’ household products.

San Miguel Lustra Reed Diffuser Imagine you invite your homies over to watch some Turner Classic Movies and they walk in and are like, “Whoa! Jar-Jar Bones, do you have a sandalwood tree IN YOUR CRIB?!”

You’d be like, “Actually, I just bought this reed diffuser from Bed Bath and

BEYOOOND for only, check it, $15!”

And they’d be like, “Whaaat?! I gotta get on that DEAL!” And your honey will be like, “Jared, your house smells like a field of daffodils! I take back calling you a worthless loser. Let’s have some sexual intercourse RIGHT NOW!” Now, that’s what I call a PIMPIN’ DEAL!” Jura Capresso Impressa Automatic Espresso Machine and Coffee Center I can’t tell you haw many times my bitch, sorry, ex-bitch has been like, “Jared, go get me some coffee,” and I’ve been like, “Damn, I need a motherfuckin’ Starbucks IN MY HOUSE!” The Jura Cappres—this coffee maker will make your lady be like, “Does that have two thermoblock heating systems?” And you’ll be like, “And an 18bar motherfuckin’ power pump ‘cause I’m MC MCNASTY JACK BONES!!”

Yeah that’s right! It has one-touch milk-frothing buttons and jiggity eight strength settings! Do you know how many jiggity strength settings that is?

Not four or six but eight strength settings! All for only $3,300! This deal is so straight up nasty will make you say wikki-wikki-whaaat?! HOLLA!!

Arusha Duvet Cover by B. Smith This skank is made with 100 percent cotton! 100 FUCKING PERCENT!! This slut is so soft and warm you’ll wake up thinking you’re sleeping under a blanket of 20 beautiful ladies! Then you won’t be able to fall asleep because your new coffee maker is so PIMPIN’ and loud and because you’re being suffocated by sandalwood. As you cry into your Spiderman pillow you’ll yell, LAUREN WHY?!

WE WERE PERFECT! HOW AM I

This skank is made with 100 percent cotton!

SUPPOSED TO FIND SOMEONE NEW WHO ALSO LOVES DAVID GUETTA, HOT WINGS AND ME! For 150 greenbacks, that’s jiggity jiggity DEAL MOFO! And you can take that to the bank because no one knows deals or beezies like Tacoma’s own JRod McBone Pimp Dog III!

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Jared “McNasty Pimp” McJackson slangin’ and bangin’ hella pimpin’ deals.

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The Whitman College Homesteader is a weekly student run newspaper published under the auspices of the Associated Students of Whitman College. The purpose of the Homesteader is to provide pertinent, timely news and commentary for Whitman students, alumni, faculty, staff, man-children, impressionable youths and Young Money productions. The Homesteader is dedicated to expanding open discussion on campus about the issues with which students are least concerned. We provide coverage of the most inane Whitman-related news as well as featured local and regional bullshit that most people just skim if they bother to read at all, and strive to maintain a standard of utmost mediocrity and pretentions to journalistic integrity while promoting ignorance and shoddy research. In addition, the Homesteader strives to be a learning tool for lazy students who are interested in coasting on an important-looking resume item. The The “humor” section of the Homesteader guarantees at least one shoddily written, poorly thought out, offensively ignorant dick joke and/or racist assumption per issue. J/K LOL DICKS 8=====>

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Feature

The Homesteader ISSUE 8 APR. 1, 2010 Page 6

An interview with the ACTUAL founding father of Whitman College Hey gang! In honor of Whitman’s tercentennial, we proudly present an interview with an actual founding father of Whitman! Last week we discovered a cryogenic capsule made out of mesquite wood and blocks of creek ice containing the frozen head of Cushing Eells, founder of Whitman College. One thaw and a few quick electric shocks later, we were able to bring him back to life. Now, for the first time ever, we can bring you his actual responses to modern day questions! We are excited to bring you this historic interview: Pio: So Mr. Eells, have you observed any significant changes at Whitman since we unfroze you?

Eells: Yes, I have become aware of many unique changes, but even more stirring are the similarities. The grand spirit of courage, dedication and hard work held in such high esteem by my dear friends Walt and Narcissa live on at your school—be it in the form of a university, college, seminary or what have you.

Pio: That’s fantastic, we’re very proud of our academics. Now Mr. Eells— Eells: Of course, both Walt and Narcissa would be happy to know that the school remains almost exclusively white.

Pio: Wow. That’s, uh . . . Okay, um . . . If you could do one thing differently when you founded the Whitman Seminary in 1856, what would it have been?

Eells: I would do it all exactly the same. I envisioned it as a place where the most privileged and whitest Seattle and Portland residents could send their progeny to the humble fields of Walla Walla to create tension and alienate the local population. It appears in this case that foresight was 20/20. [chuckles to self ]t Pio: Huh. That’s very . . . wow.

Let’s change gears here for a second . . . your wife was a huge “pioneer” of women’s rights in her day. What would she say about women’s roles on campus today?

Eells: I assume you’re referring to the barren wife. I suppose she would natter on about how excellent it is that women have the legal right to identify the father of their children or some

BOWMAN You’re not alone bathroom-goer. peekaFUCKINGboo

Whitman admission posters through time

Whitman College

such nonsense. But never she mind, as order remains upheld almost exclusively by the stronger sex. It is my understanding that since my day only males have held the presidency. Why I remember only yesterday that— Pio; Okay! Umm . . . Ducks! We have a lot of ducks on campus. Were there ducks on campus in your day?

Eells: Oh indeed. Marcus and I used to mimic their odd springtime mating behavior. We called it “feathers and tails” and we would— Pio: Stop. What is your favorite candy?

Eells: Why that would have to be the delectable Sodomite’s Tear. I believe nowadays you call them Mike and Ikes.

Pio: Jesus . . . Did you have a favorite sport?

Eells: Indeed! What you call baseball was known in my day as Mongol Stickbat Challenge. You use a regulation stickbat to strike at a Mongol, at which point— Pio:—Sir! So far you’ve managed to turn every question into some kind of sexist, racist or xenophobic tirade. I’m afraid I’m going to have to end this interview.

Eells: I apologize if I’ve offended you. I came from a time when the races did not mix and women were relegated to the home, hardly more than second-class citizens. You can sit on your high horse and accuse me, but to my eye the only thing that’s really changed is the language you use to talk about these things. I’m sorry if you find it difficult to reconcile the present with the dark past from which it came, but don’t apply your newfangled standards of ‘political correctness’ to me!

Pio: You know, when you put it like that I can kind of see where you’re coming from. We’ve come a long way since your time and I understand that this must be confusing or even frightening for you. The abolition of slavery, women’s suffrage, gay marriage—it all must take a lot of getting used to.

Eells: Indeed. You know, were you five years younger and less widehipped you would make an excellent fifth wife.

Pio: I’m sorry, but this interview is over.

WHITMAN COLLEGE

BOWMAN

Whitman college

peekaFUCKINGboo, participation grade. This better fucking count as “furthering discussion.”

PHOTOS BY GOLD

Which Whitman statue would win in a fight?

Billy Olfway is a 10-year-old boy who lives in a house near Whitman College. If you would like to read more of his work, check out “Olin vs. Maxey: The Ultimate Battle” and “Dorm Posters At Night: We Know They Talk, but Who Would Win in a Fight?” which you can find on the bookshelf in his mom’s basement.

Styx So, first, there’s Styx. Or, as I like to call him, the STEED OF STEEL. His best move is Bionic Neigh. It’s like a normal neigh, except BIONIC. The STEED OF STEEL’s greatest strength

is that he’s a horse, which means he can run super fast. But his weakness is that he’s a statue, and the statue-maker was lazy and left a lot of holes in his body, which would make the STEED OF STEEL much easier to defeat. Or would it?

Rocks by Cordiner The Boulder Brothers are super strong because they’re giant rocks!!!

Their best move is what I call Avalanche! They all fall off their poles and roll on towards the other statues and beat them up! But they’re weakened by water and the fact that

they’re spaced far apart so they can’t plot together. Also, they don’t have brains. That makes them real easy to outsmart.

Totem pole behind Maxey Channing Totem has a ton of different brains so it ALWAYS knows what to do. Its best move is totem faaaalll that’s when it falls down on the other statues. Its greatest weakness is that having so many heads means it has many eyes that enemy statues can easily poke out. And it doesn’t have much balance because it’s a giant pole.

(Duh!)

Rainbow statue in front of Prentiss The Technicolor Tower has a lot of distracting colors and so it’s best move is COLOR BLAST which is where all the colors fly out and are in the wind kind of like that Pocahontas song “Colors in the Wind” except much more deadly because the colors in the wind knock down and defeat the opponent statues. Now, its greatest weakness is that it doesn’t have a head or arms, which means it doesn’t have any of the five senses, not even one!

SO . . . WHO WOULD WIN? I mean it’s pretty obvious. I gave you

the hint because STEED OF STEEL is the only name in all capital letters.

And the “Or would it?” was also a hint because the STEED OF STEEL’s greatest weakness is ACTUALLY a strength. The holes in his body would make him impossible to defeat by the Technicolor Tower because the color blast attack would go through him.

What about the Boulder Brothers and Channing Totem you ask? Ha you haven’t been paying attention if you ask that because they kinda suck! But really none of them would ever even start fighting because they’re statues.

WOLFF The Channing Tatum Car is where Channing Tatum listens to Jack Johnson and plays Call of Duty 2 until he’s called upon by the railway system to melt fractured rail tracks back together with his smoldering gaze

Bullet trains dated your sister in high school behind your back

The Library car is where passengers can go to either quietly read OR to whisper-scream to eachother about that cute lacrosse player in bookarts, right next to the people reading

7

Apr. 1, 2010

Deep Massage Commercials explain great literary works

Commercial artists are experts at diagramming how their medicines work.

SparkNotes recently decided to employ some of these artists to summarize pieces of literature.

“The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” This kidney is 19th-century England These gray bubbles are the hounds of the Baskervilles Then these two white bubbles arrive and everything is fine

What’s worth watching: This week on Charter Basic Cable CBS (Channel 2)—Thursdays at 9 p.m.

Tom Selleck Waterfall Sandwich: The Series

methods to save an episode of NBC’s The Marriage Ref.

Season 1 Episode 10: “Tom Selleck Dagwood Cataract”

THE CW (Channel 9)—Thursdays at 8 p.m.

The Vampire Diaries

In last week’s episode, Tom narrowly escaped death while saving an innocent Tea Sandwich from a cascade waterfall.

Now the “steaks” are raised as Tom tries to rescue a meaty Dagwood sandwich from a raging cataract.

Constipation Heroin addiction Criticism of Robert Downey Jr.’s career choices A deep appreciation for SparkNotes

“A Streetcar Named Desire”

Stefan and Damon argue over who gets to write the next entry in their vampire diary.

WGN AMERICA (Channel 8)—12 p.m. 6 p.m. daily “Daily afternoon line-up”

Season 5 Episode 17: “The CrypticSounding Event”

WGN’s apparently commonsense afternoon line-up kicks off with syndicated episodes of “I Dream of Genie” followed by “Seductive Hair Secrets,” early-round lightweight boxing championships, “Food Lovers’ Fat Loss,” Colin Farrell’s “Phone Booth” and an encore presentation of Colin Farrell’s “Phone Booth.”

FOX (Channel 11)—Sundays at 9 p.m.

House

Season 6, Episode 18: “The Leno Effect”

This liver is the French Quarter of New Orleans These gray bubbles are Stella and Stanley Then this white bubble arrives and everything is fine . . .

Season 1 Episode 17: “Man of Writing, Man of Fangs”

ABC (Channel 4)—Tuesdays at 10:30 a.m.

LOST Walla Walla

In the last episode of this season, both Adam West and William O. Douglas are working toward very specific goals that they think will change the future of life in Walla Walla: West wants to detonate a hydrogen bomb that could potentially erase the massacre at Waiilatpu, and Douglas wants to murder Colonel DeBeers, which, in his mind, will restore logical order for those remaining in Walla Walla.

Side effects:

House uses his idiosyncratic doctoral

WALLA WALLA LOCAL GOVERNMEN-

TAL ACCESS CHANNEL (Channel 17)— 12 p.m.-12 a.m. daily “Local Municipal Programming Presents”

A series of community announcement slides superimposed on amateur photos of downtown Walla Walla and set to mid-volume oldies and light jazz.

Relationship still going strong

Side effects: Depression Delusions of grandeur The death of chivalry Dependence on the kindness of strangers The slow destruction of Marlon Brando’s body A deep appreciation for SparkNotes

“Going Rogue: An American Life”

This stomach is America These gray bubbles are Americans Then this altruistic white bubble arrives, a real bubble’s bubble who upholds traditional values and doesn’t accept campaign donations and everything is FUCKED

Side effects:

The party of hell no The joining of church and state Ronald Reagan’s return from the dead An even deeper appreciation for everything and anything that keeps this crazy bitch out of the political sphere ILLUSTRATIONS BY SLOANE

George Bridges monologue

George Bridges’ writing staff was kind enough to send us the transcript of the opening monologue to tonight’s faculty meeting.

Hello everyone! Welcome to our last faculty meeting of the school year. I’m your host George Bridges; thanks for coming out today. Jed and I have decided that in order to save paper, we will no longer be using sign-in sheets, so please remember to mark your attendance by poking me on Facebook.

Before we get started, I just wanted to remind you all that ASWC will be generously hosting a dinner for faculty next week in celebration of the switch to 3-2.

The meal will offer 17 percent less food at full price.

Also, as you may have heard, we’ve hired a new tech security officer on campus because over the last few months, phishing scams have prevented faculty and students from using e-mail correctly. For example, the members of Beta Theta Pi tried to view my e-mail warning about phishing scams last month, but due to a computer glitch, ended up accidentally downloading pornography for 10 hours.

According to the new security officer, these phishing scams are quite dangerous. When opened in an e-mail, the virus viciously destroys networked data, then continues on, moving into your apartment, eating everything in the refrigerator, running up your utilities bill and having sex with your girlfriend.

peekaFUCKINGboo, self.

I deplore you.

On a more positive note, I’m happy to announce that the Walla Walla police have caught the culprit responsible for stealing laptops from the Community Service Interest House. Appropriately, the thief has been sentenced to 30 hours of community service. When asked if he thought the punishment was fair, the thief only said he was glad he hadn’t stolen laptops from the A Capella Interest House.

And congratulations to the General Studies Committee on the successful inauguration of Encounters. As part of my everlasting gratitude, I promise that next year’s Encounters curriculum will require first-year students to yoke together even more disparate texts. I can reveal that Unit Three is tentatively titled: “Like-Mindedness Across the Ages: An exploration of Homophrosyne in ‘The Odyssey’ and ‘Beavis and Butthead Do America.’”

Now onto more exciting news: did you hear about this? On April 5, Whitman alumna Dottie Metcalf-Lindenburger ’97 will blast off into space on the Discovery.

During a NASA press conference, she thanked Whitman for helping her gain the know-how she needed to become an astronaut, like team-building and relationship skills. She also thanked Tau Kappa Epsilon for preparing her to pee in strange places, drink lots of fluids and bend her

body in difficult positions.

Professors reacted to their former student’s success by commenting that the hard-working, over-achieving alumna is an example of the typical Whitman student. The Admissions Office quickly added that with all the aliens in space, Metcalf-Lindenburger will really add diversity to the community.

One member of the press asked if Metcalf-Lindenburger was worried about alien encounters, reminding her that if captured, she may be forced to survive on a diet of Soylent Green. She assured them that after being on Bon Appétit’s meal plans for two years during college, her body had built up a tolerance to oddtasting mystery foods.

During the conference, Metcalf-Lindenburger also gave a shout out to current Whitman students, who have been impressed that their fellow Whittie has succeeded so well in the tough job market.

She commented that being an astronaut is not very different from being a liberal arts student because in both situations, you learn knowledge and skills that have no use in the real world.

OK everybody, we’ve got a great meeting for you tonight . . .

Ask anyone on campus and they will definitely tell you that there is one couple that defies stereotype, embodies true love, and shatters all pre-conceived notions about what love can be. That couple is of course Thomas Dropher ’10 and Jessica Sorange ’10, who recently granted The Pio an exclusive look into their oneof-a-kind romance.

“We met freshman year in Jewett,” says Jessica, the female half of “Thessica.” “I was walking down the hall of 3-East and heard someone strumming the chords to ‘Santeria’ by Sublime. I kind of flipped out because I didn’t know anyone here knew that band.”

As Thomas recalls of that afternoon: “She came into my room while I was chilling with my guitar and she totally knew the words to ‘Santeria.’ It was so sweet, we chilled for the rest of the day singing Sublime tunes.”

Three years later, Jessica and Thomas are still chilling. Throughout their years at Whitman the couple has only grown closer and their relationship more deep.

Jessica, an environmental studies-sociology major and member of WDA, explains how their relationship blossomed.

“Sublime was just the start, because we ended up having so many other things in common. I mean we both like to rockclimb, what are the odds?” she said.

Close friend of the couple, Mandy Gertrude ’11, added, “Jessica is being modest about all the things she and Thomas have in common. They both enjoy the movie ‘Amélie,’ and have both read the ‘Harry Potter’ series! I wish I had what they have.”

“I think the main reason I started going out with Jessica after we were already hooking up is because hanging out

with her was so effortless,” insightfully claimed Thomas. “It’s like I found my soulmate without ever having to try.”

Indeed, many of the couples’ friends agree that the couple is perfect for each other.

“I think the night I knew it was true love was when Thom ran the beer-mile with her sophomore year instead of with the bros. At that moment I realized the profundity of their love would forever eclipse his kinship with TKE,” Jonathan Myers ‘10, one of Thomas’ closest friends and TKE brothers, said in an interview.

However, their relationship hasn’t always been so chill. Thomas and Jessica experienced some turbulence first semester junior year when the couple both went abroad—to different locations.

“I was in Greece and Jessica was in Spain,” said Thomas. “And we kind of mutually decided to take a break and experience life for life’s sake that semester, but not take anything else too seriously.”

Indeed, after a semester apart the couple returned into the stable and perfectly adequate embrace of one another.

Against all odds, they even remained together over summer break when Thomas stayed in Walla Walla and Jessica went back home, making only occasional visits to one another.

When The Pioneer pressed Jessica as for what is in the couple’s future she remarked, “Teddy Bear and I haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen after we graduate. I mean, I’m pretty sure he is going to pin me, so that will be a big deal, but after that I don’t really know. We once talked about moving to Seattle.”

It looks like Seattle will now have an excuse to let the sun shine.

Joel’s Party: Just Do It! O. JOHNSON You guys will literally NEVER get such a fergalicious party offer. Some people have told me they are going to Shawn’s. And that’s TOTALLY FINE. I’M NOT EVEN MAD. It’s your loss really, cuz I’ve got a mini-fridge full of Natty Lite, plus some Mike’s Hard for the ladiez. Plus, I know the entire Soulja Boy dance, NO MISTAKES, and I am willing to perform it for you all. I’m expecting a huge turnout at this fiesta, especially the hotties. Lots of sexy bitches. Specifically, I’m hoping to get laid on Saturday night. I’m not gonna lie—it’s been a while. I would settle for a passionate, no-strings-attached BJ. So, what I’m saying is don’t miss your chance! Come on! COME PARTY! What: Sex contest. First we all dance, then the sexiest chica gets a shot at love with Joel. One night only.

Where: Joel’s SUPER CHILL CRIB. Call me to RSVP—once again, my digits are 838-645-0349.

When: Anytime. Please just come over to my house.

Who: Anyone. Shawn, you can come too. Bring your party to my party. And hot freshmen will now be admitted.

8

Apr. 1, 2010

Amazing Fantasy No. 15 Cavalia résumés: Horses find work Cirque du Soleil co-founder Normand Latourelle has released a show titled “Cavalia,” featuring equestrian performances. The Backpage got a hold of some of the résumés that have been submitted to the show.

Nightmarish Pomposity

CAMP HORSE Description: Carried kids on back. Ate apples. Pooped.

SHATTERED DREAM Description: Ruined Christmas for millions of teenage girls.

SHADOWFAX: Lord of the Rings Description: Played king of horses, a total badass. Saved Middle Earth.

Midnight’s Shadow of Licorice Rosie O’Donnell HOST OF THE ROSIE O’DONNELL SHOW Maelstrom Flight Long Nouns Description: Ground-breaking talk show. Tackled tough issues BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE Description: Befriended bull. Played football game ref-refereed by a Zebra somehow. Do you w-wanna know wh-who blows? D-d-do you? Dalmatians. “Look at me sitting on the wagon b-beside the guy with the thing that goes crack. Aren’t I so cool?” NOT! I-I have spots t-too and you don’t see . . . you don’t see me being all h-high and mmmighty. What? No, I c-could totally pull a cart right now. Just let me talk to this mare real quick . . .

with hard-hitting investigation complemented by hilarious banter.

Host used charming demeanor and velvety voice to generate a complex dialogue with g-guests.

CO-HOST OF THE VIEW Description: Do you w-wanna know wh-who blows? D-d-do you?

Donald Trump. “Look at me sitting in my t-tower with my crazy hair.

Aren’t I so c-cool?” NOT. I have hair too and ssstuff. He is so such a non-koosh ball . . . Wait, wh-what’s happening? Sorry I fell aslee . . .

HASSELBECK!

O. JOHNSON

Wakeboarding Whitman mascot change After years of complaints from students and faculty that Whitman’s mascot, the Missionary, is politically incorrect and outdated, the school has finally agreed to change it. Effective September 1st, 2010, Whitman’s mascot will be the Mercenaries. The Board of Trustees voted before the break in a clandestine meeting regarding the contested school symbol. While some traditionalists were at first hesitant to dismiss the longtime mascot, several pragmatic young trustees pointed out the endorsement mother lode to be hit if the school accepted a sponsorship offer from Xe Services LLC, formerly known as Blackwater. Many Whitties will recognize this name from The Daily Show, and might recall some of the company’s scandals involving their involvement in the Iraq War and numerous assassinations.

Ultimately, the board voted with an overwhelming majority to change the mascot.

“We’ve been looking for a way to solve the major hit to our endowment during the recession, and students have been chapping our asses about the Missionary thing for years. Finally I think we’ve found something that will please everyone,” said Trustee David Brown.

The mercenary organization Xe, com-

monly called Blackwater, submitted an offer last year to the school administration for an endorsement contract of an unreleased sum of money in return for some publicity. Several anonymous Pio sources have suggested that the contract promises up to 120 million U.S. dollars.

Current Xe President Gary Jackson has claimed that the organization is hoping to reflect “a change in the company focus away from the business of providing private security,” and he hopes that by associating with the college, they will distract the public from the company’s “diverse” reputation. Jackson told Pio reporters that he anticipates that when the American people hear the name “Blackwater,” they will no longer think “egregious human rights violations”, but rather “passable Division III soccer team.”

Whitman’s Director of Public Relations, Megan Trout, gave us some more insight into the school’s choice of mascot name.

“We wanted to ease students into it.

We didn’t want to force a name on them that was completely different, such as the ‘Whitman College Scooby Doos’, although we did consider that. But we liked that the new mascot sounds a lot like the old one. Missionary. Mercenary.

Missionary. Mercenary. Almost the same!” she said.

Board of Trustees President, Truman Shaw, echoed this sentiment.

“The sound-alike thing was probably the most important factor for us in choosing the new mascot. That, and the money,” he said.

Xe has generously announced that it will also allow the college to retain its name in order to avoid confusion. However, school administrators admit that students should expect some changes around campus. The Pio has the scoop on a few of these modifications. For example, most ties to Marcus and Narcissa Whitman will be cut, including the names of buildings. Prentiss Hall will now be called “Prince Hall,” in honor of Blackwater founder, Erik Prince.

Students will be moved out of Marcus Dorm entirely, and it will be referred to as “Cobra Operation Center,” or COC. The company will reportedly use this building as a regional office for their services, although they declined to elaborate when The Pio called for details.

The Bookstore will be accepting Tshirt designs that incorporate the new mascot until Graduation. Get yours in soon!

Font sequels

With the upcoming release of Microsoft Word 2010, The Pioneer has an exclusive look at the newest typeface sequels:

Arial 2 Times Newer Roman Arial Blacker Bauhaus 94 Bookman Older Style Century Emo

Last Comic Sansing MS –or- Cosmic Sands MS Hanging with Mr. Cooper Black Heavenitica Deep Impact

James Cameron Presents: Papyrus Rock-Paper-Scissorswell WINGDINGS Sans Deputy

Found notes from the final meeting of the Sigma Alpha Xenga fraternity (now defunct): Chad: All right guys, settle down, this chapter meeting of Sigma Alpha Xenga is now called to order. Today we’re going to be discussing the rush events planned for next fall. We had a great time this year, we got a lot of great new pledges, lets see if we can top it!

[Applause, hooting.]

Chad: Okay, Okay, lets get down to business. Rad, you’re leading paintball; how is that going?

Rad: IT’S GOING TO BE SO SICK. Chad: Cool, cool. Steve, how about you? You’re new this year but I’ve been hearing really great things about your rush event.

Steve: Yeah . . . Guys. Listen. I don’t think I can do it this year.

Chad: What? Steve, everybody was really excited about your project. I’m sure we can just get somebody else to take over for you really don’t feel up to it.

Steve: No, it’s just that . . . I don’t know, this seems wrong somehow. I think we should just forget the whole thing. We don’t need another event, right? Paintballing and whitewater rafting should be fine.

Chad: But Steve, wakeboarding is the most fun event of the entire rush! I went wakeboarding my freshman year and it’s what made me decide to go SAX! Lance: Yeah, me too!

Rad: WAKEBOARDING IS SIIIIIICK. Steve: Wakeboarding? Oh. I . . . um . . .

I think I made a mistake. Wakeboarding sounds great; I’ll get right on it.

Chad: What? What did you think you were doing?

Steve: Never mind. Let’s just move on.

[Brothers Rob and Kyle emerge from the back room holding a plastic mask, bondage equipment and a watering can.]

Rob: Hey Steve, we were looking for your “Best of the Beach Boys” CD in your

car, and we found this stuff. Do you really need all this for wakeboarding?

Steve: Guys, I was sort of drunk last chapter meeting, I didn’t totally understand my assignment. But I’ve got it all cleared up now, so I think we should just move on.

[Doug and Conner emerge from the basement.]

Conner: Guys! Who set up that piece of plywood on the two hobbyhorses? We were trying to play some pong, but the table was tilted slightly downward. Steve, I saw you down there earlier, what gives?

Steve: Look, I made a mistake. I’m willing to admit that. I misheard an instruction and I’m sorry.

Chad: What exactly did you hear?

Bryan: Yeah, last week when I borrowed your laptop I noticed that your browser history was full of released documents from the NSA. What’s up?

Steve: Can we just move on? Lance, you’re doing whitewater rafting right?

That sounds awesome. I’ll bet you’ve got hella snacks lined up!

Doug: —And the other weekend, when I heard yelling and voices coming from your room, I just assumed it was sex, but then I heard you yelling something about Anthrax and active terrorist cells in Los Angeles.

Steve: Waterboarding. I heard waterboarding. I was getting ready to waterboard the new pledges.

Lance: Whoa.

Conner: Holy shit.

Chad: Well why didn’t you say so?!?

That’s a way better idea than wakeboarding!

Steve: I actually tried it on one of the new pledges. He got really ill. I took him to the hospital.

Chad: That’s awesome, dude.

Conner: Yeah, bro! That sounds sick!

Rad: WATERBOARDING IS STLL NOT CONSIDERED TORTUUURE!!!!!

WOLFF

If you wanted to match the horsepower of a bullet train with actual horses, that would be stupid

Every Bullet Train has a car just for bubble book clubs.

Bullet Trains are fueled exclusively by the fumes emitted from the shattered dreams of British street urchins, whose job it is to shovel said dreams into a giant furnace