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Pio columnist confesses publicly that he joined staff just to make a joke about jenkem
Humor Writer Tristan Gavin’14 is displayed here under the effects of the drug known as jenkem. Known effects include: the willingness to get brown. Photo by Johannson
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n a truly disgusting public interview with Whitman professor Chopra Winfrey, Pioneer humor and sports writer Tristan Gavin confessed freely that his reason for joining the staff of Whitman’s newspaper was to “try to make a joke about jenkem.” Gavin admitted that he “discovered” jenkem, a hallucinogenic inhalant created from fermented human waste, this past summer. “Over the course of this previous semester, I definitely tried to work up to it in my articles. I couldn’t keep it in me (giggling). Butt hash!” he blurted shamelessly. Gavin, an English major from Santa Cruz, Calif., showed surprisingly little remorse in the interview, and couldn’t refrain from making more jenkem jokes. He walked into Winfrey’s studio with what one might call a “shit-eating grin” if that weren’t a wildly inappropriate and tasteless term, and exclaimed loudly, “Let’s do this! Public confession! No holds jarred, am I right?” while trying not to snicker. Winfrey began by asking Gavin about his most controversial article, crudely titled “21 Dump Street,” in which he wrote that “there are definitely probably some students huffing poop gas” and alluded to Whitman’s “21 percent jenkem community.” Gavin offered, as expected, a foul-mouthed response. “Look, I’m not going to say that my articles have had a strong effect on the Whitman community, but I’d like to strongly imply it,” Gavin said, making an indelicate joke that he already made in a previous Pioneer article. “If you’ll look at the numbers from the lifestyle survey, jenkem use has ‘ballooned’ (snickers) in North Hall since my article was published. Also, ‘piping hot pile of justice?’ Come on! That was comedic gold.”
One of the distinctive features of Gavin’s humor writing, which he calls “brown journalism,” is his appropriation of topics like farting, pooping and jenkem that are wildly inappropriate and not remotely funny. Gavin also has a tumblr account titled “Leeeroyyyy Jenkems!” on which he posts pictures of ordinary, sludge-filled jars that bear no resemblance to those used by “brown junkies” and lack comedic value altogether. Winfrey correctly pointed out in one of the more tense moments of the interview that “when we’re talking about methane, there’s nothing to laugh about.” Gavin chortled as he drank what appeared to be coffee from a Mason jar. The school newspaper’s editor-in-chief was unsurprised by the confession, saying that she noticed some warning signs during meetings. “I asked a sports writer about the new ‘Sweets’ memorabilia shop downtown, and Tristan replied ‘Downtown? More like Brown Town!’ It was definitely a waste of time,” she reported with a surprisingly straight face. Though he just received a shipment of brown rubber “MethaneStrong” bracelets, Gavin did hint that he looks forward to altering his subject matter, saying the strain of jenkem jokes was “running out of gas.” He now anticipates building up to making a joke about Whitman’s baseball team. He will also work on turning the bracelets into condoms. Winfrey concluded by informing Gavin that a Google search for “Tristan Gavin jenkem” yields approximately 1,220,000 results. The grin returned to his face. “Wow, I didn’t know I made over a million jenkem jokes!” he said wistfully. “Man, that was really, really fun.”
Dubblebaby by Sam & Toby Alden
Jan
24 2013
Reaching new highs in low standards
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ith spring hanging like an icicle precariously over us, Whitman’s top sports team returns to the field for what promises to be another successful year. But while the Sweets toss the disc around as casually as they toss around phrases like “Nice huck, breh” and “Do you think this up-bid will get me in Skyd Magazine, D?”, men’s baseball will also be taking to the field. Despite the fact that the baseball team has won only five of its 35 to 40 games every year for more years than most of its players can even count, they remain optimistic with the hiring of a new coach. Newly hired coach John Finney has taken a whole new direction with the team that promises much greater success. “Year after year, this team goes out and embarrasses itself en route to what promises to be a five-win season. This year, we will be much more respectable and efficient in our pursuit of five wins. We have assembled a group of young men—boys, really—that are poised to lose almost 90 percent of their games better than anyone before them.” The team has been practicing tirelessly to become the best five-win team in the country. The pitchers spent all practice working out their necks so that they can crane them to watch the massive home runs they trained themselves to give up. Some of the older hitters have stepped up into mentoring roles, showing the first-year players how to strike out against even the slowest pitchers. “We are really coming to-
gether as a team, which is great because we are one,” said senior pitcher Kyler “Missile” Griswald. The team has even been sighted watching films in the Sherwood Athletic Center to prepare for the toils of the long season. Those who walked by most evenings recalled seeing glimpses of the team in the multimedia room watching replays of the Seattle Seahawks Divisional Playoff loss. “Seattle just manages to #findaway. That is what we aspire to. And the unmerited confidence? The ‘wait until next year’ mentality? It’s like the Mariners on steroids,” said second baseman John Chrandrews, wearing a size extra-small Bret Boone jersey. Those who follow Whitman baseball, or—more likely, unless they have offspring on the team— those who see them around campus, know that the “unmerited confidence” is a quality the team has mastered over years of poor winloss records. Many a nony mous sources cited times where the team, which costs more than the annual salary of an archives assistant to send across the nation to lose to teams out-
side of the Pacific Northwest, acted “entitled” or “like they were the greatest thing to happen to this school since Macklemore released whatever his last song was.” Alaskan designated hitter Eric Owen, who was recently reinstated after being investigated for a bounty scandal following a historic year of hitbatsmen, does not let the community backlash affect him. “Win or lose, I’m still dating the hottest cheerleader at the school,” Owen said. When asked what he meant by “cheerleader,” Owen replied “the hot one.” Although this season promises the familiarity of badly played games in even worse weather, those involved with the program look forward to reaching new highs in low standards. “Except with girls,” Owen reiterated.
ILLUSTRATION BYJONES
yerbA MATE
is not your friend M y first encounter with this strange plot occurred this year at Jewett Hall, investigating the strange arsenic poisonings many students fell victim to after eating too many peach pits. While sitting at one of the circle tables alone, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Before I could turn, a British-sounding voice asked me, “Do you have any herb mate?” Confused, I looked at the student, a tall male, hardly seeming like the kind of person who would partake in “herb.” I just shook my head and he left me alone, but not before sadly looking at a strange yellow canister sitting by the coffee. The mysterious appearance of yerba mate canisters across campus puzzled many students. “Were coffee or tea not good enough?” many students were overheard saying. With recent accusations of Bon Appétit putting massive amounts of salt in their food, it becomes apparent that we have two pieces of a sinister puzzle. Just like in “Curious George,”
the missing piece lays in the bellies of all the first-years and sorority girls that “Bon App” uses for their insidious plot. After hiring a team of investigators to get to the bottom of Bon App’s scheming, it has been revealed that Bon Appétit is secretly running a bootlegging operation. “No one eats at Lyman, and Jewett is right next door. Why do they have it?” said one insightful student in a series of interviews conducted by the investigative team. Obviously, Lyman is being used as the headquarters of Bon Appétit’s operations. According to the law of parsimony, the simplest answer is always the correct one. It makes absolutely no sense why Whitman allows the pastry bar to exist with Whitman students’ healthy tendencies. Clearly Bon Appétit is using the fermenting properties of yerba mate
to create the perfect environment within students’ bodies to react to the sugars of the pastries to create alcohol. The salt within Bon App’s food encourages students to drink more water, or, ideally, more yerba mate, speeding up the process. Jewett’s bathrooms then pipe all the alcohol into large collection vats housed in Lyman where the alcohol is bottled and distributed under the name Monarch. Information is power, and being blind and not r e cognizing the facts is one of the greatest sins a human being can engage in. Think about Augustine and remember that ignorance is evil. Do not be blind. Look around at the conspiracies all around you.
ILLUSTRATION BY SCHUH
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