Spring 2014 Issue 8

The

MISSIONARY

ISSUE 8 AKA JOKES | April 3, 2014 | Whitman news since 1896 | Vol. CXXXI

ASWC standoff over bylaw interpretation enters 11th day

by SHELLY LE Benevolent Dictator

A

s the heated student government debate over late-night pizza heads into its 11th day, neither senators nor members of the Associated Students of Whitman College administration appear ready to budge from their positions.

Despite bleary eyes and listless hand waves, senators have been unwilling to resolve their divided opinions over the language

used in Bylaw 341 concerning the ASWC office fund, which currently reads as “The ASWC office fund shall be used for all expenses incurred in the distribution of legislation.” Specifically, debate over the term “distribution” has caused frustration and turmoil.

Approximately half of ASWC’s voting members are in favor of amending the bylaw to allow for members of ASWC to use

the office fund during any time while on campus, regardless of whether or not they’re with other members of ASWC discussing matters regarding the student body. Supporters of amending the bylaw argue that members of ASWC are perpetually working for the student body.

However, amending the bylaw takes a 2/3 majority vote, which members wishing to amend

the bylaw currently don’t have.

The entirety of Sunday night, March 23, was spent debating the amendment. When the clock struck midnight, senior ASWC senator Bayvon Kehroozian, sensing that the 2/3 majority vote would not be met, stood up to give a filibuster.

“We’re always working for our constituents. It’s crazy. Sometimes, I have to schedule when I

cut my nails because I’m so busy.

I’ll even wake up at 3 a.m. to check my ASWC email because I get so many emails,” senior ASWC senator Bayvon Kehroozian said while filibustering.

Kehroozian is leading the movement, specifically so that ASWC members can order pizza using the office fund during late nights spent in the library. see BAYVON, page 2

Another socially conscious Seattle-based hip-hop group comes to campus

by HANNAH BARTMAN Nose Ring$

T

his Thursday, April 3, Whitman will host yet another socially conscious Seattle-based hip-hop artist, RAPlemore, to play in the Reid Campus Center. Preaching for world peace and an end to mass consumption of GMOs, RAPlemore is sure to jive with issues that concern the average Whittie.

“I was really inspired by, ya know, big people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Bill McKibben. I’m just preaching their positive message to the masses, ya know,” said RAPlemore.

RAPlemore’s second album, “Eco-friendly4life,” which is made from recycled bottles and elephant poop, has reached No. 1 on Spotify’s soft hip-hop chart. Its lead track, “Mo Mon-

ey, Mo Help for the Needy,” can be found blasting Thursday through Sunday night at any Whitman frat. Many students highly anticipate his visit and have been avid fans for months.

“His songs just really speak to me on a spiritual level. I like to dance to the beat of hip-hop music, and with RAPlemore I know I can do that without being objectified as a woman,” said junior Sherri Cherry.

Other male students similarly appreciate RAPlemore’s thoughtfulness to more socially sensitive issues.

“I really appreciate RAPlemore’s thoughtful lyrics that accompany his smart and innovative beats. In my opinion, he is sure to be one of the most important contemporary rap artists,” said Nin Quelson on his hip-hop blog in The Pioneer.

The appreciation felt by students is not, however, representative of the hip-hop world. Whitman’s tendency to choose such regionally and culturally similar hip-hop artists has angered other artists who are similarly trying to make a name for themselves in the liberal arts bumping music scene.

“Well excuse fuckin’ me that I don’t always spit about the monopolization enforced by our current patriarchal hegemonic system. People are so fucking sensitive. Shit,” said misogynistic and homophobic rapper Tyler, the Creator.

Despite this outside hostility, students are excited for more of what they’ve had in previous years. Tickets sold out on the first day of sales and Reid Ballroom is expected to be packed to max capacity, so make sure to arrive at the concert at least three hours early.

Liberal arts graduates solve world peace

Advisory board: Pioneer to feature only divestment

by SARAH CORNETT Detective Cornett

F

by PAM LONDON Pizza Pam

A

t long last, the wait is over. The problem of world peace has been solved—by liberal arts students, nonetheless.

After eight years of research, psychological assessments and statistical analyses, a group of four graduates of liberal arts colleges around the world have completed a six-page document containing the answer to the seemingly endless question of world peace. The group submitted the document to the United Nations on Sunday night, and an announcement regarding the assessment of the proposal will

begin no later than next Tuesday.

“I cannot believe we’re finally done,” said Katherine Cherundolo, a graduate of Swarthington College in Massachusetts with a double major in environmental studies and sociology. “This has been a long process, one we never thought we would actually finish.”

The results of countless studies of world leaders and influential figures of the past, both positive and negative, led the group to their final conclusion.

“It took lots and lots of comparative studies,” said Richard Keith, who graduated from Bennington Alps College in northern Italy with a degree in history. “We looked at everyone,

from figures of the ancient world like Odysseus to great travelers like Marco Polo to individuals from modernity like Fidel Castro and Barack Obama. We always asked the same questions: What types of decisions did they make? Under what historical and sociopolitical circumstances? Where are the connections?”

The group agrees that while coming to their solution was undoubtedly hard, writing the proposal was the most difficult part of the project by far. Having been given a 1,500-word limit by the United Nations for the written part of their proposal, the group remembers arguing for hours over every nuance. see WORLD PEACE, page3

ollowing increased pressure from students, the editorial board of The Pioneer has decided to forgo its normal publishing material to exclusively feature articles about the divestment movement.

The change will take place immediately and will alter the layout of The Pioneer’s sections.

The following are the new section titles: News: “Thoughts from Collin Smith” Feature: “Bill McKibben’s dog” A&E: “ASWC and Edamame” Backpage: “Divestment crosswords and illustrations of trees” Sports: “Divestment activists’ IM dodgeball team: ultimate underdogs” In addition, The Pioneer will henceforth be known as The Divestment Space Odyssey 350 and will no longer be printed on paper.

Instead, the Divestment Space Odyssey 350 will be printed on recycled Bon Appétit bowls.

Junior divestment activist Vaudrey Aughn said campus divestment activists knew this change was inevitable.

“The Pio is shy to admit how much we mean to them, but now it’s out in the open.

Let’s be real, what else is there to talk about at this school?”

However, not everyone has reacted to this change with celebration. Board of Trustees Chair Veter Pan Poppen questioned the practicality and economic feasibility of the shift and what it said about the priorities of the college.

After careful deliberation, the Board of Trustees released a statement questioning the decision.

“We have concluded that divestment in these companies is not in the best Pinterest of Whitman College,” read the letter sent out to students. “To maintain the health and relevancy of our Pinterest, divestment in these companies would not be prudent at this time,” it concluded.

“The Pio is shy to admit how much we mean to them, but now it’s out in the open. Let’s be real, what else is there to talk about at this school?”

Vaudrey Aughn ‘15

Whitman’s Pinterest has grown in followers in recent years due to the “Now is the Time for Pinterest” campaign. Pan Poppen stressed in an interview with Divestment Space Odyssey 350 that though he appreciated student activism, the health of the Whitman Pinterest trumped those concerns.

Sophomore ASWC Vice President Pack Jercival also said the change was representative of an idea long in development.

“I knew this would happen eventually. I’m secretly a little disappointed that the original plan to change the name to Jack and Rim Teed Super Fan <3 wasn’t carried out, but we all know that’s basically already a thing.”

PULP FICTION Editor-in-chief caught eating dirt, baking soda

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by Quin Nelson

Ate Too Many Finger Sandwiches

T

he staff of the Whitman Pioneer is shaken and shocked after witnessing the downfall of their beloved leader.

Senior Shelly Le, editor-in-chief of The Pioneer, was caught eating dirt and baking powder in the Pio office on Sunday night by junior Opinion Editor Kyle Seasly.

After the Sunday staff meeting, Seasly and the other staff members left the office while Le hung back, saying that she had “some stuff to take care of.”

Seasly, remembering that he left his books in the office, returned about 30 minutes later. He found his books, but he also found Le perched on top of a table, cramming fistfuls of dirt and baking powder into her mouth.

“It was horrifying. I didn’t know what to do. I opened my mouth to say something and Shelly just shrieked, ‘Don’t look at me!’” said Seasly.

Le has since gone missing. Campus security tracked her trail of soil and powder as far as Mill Creek, where it vanishes into the water. Witnesses say that Le, covered in dirt, boarded a small raft carrying only a bag of dirt and baking powder and floated away.

“It was dark, but I could definitely make out a hunched figure hobbling onto a raft.

I thought I was imagining things,” said sophomore Illustration Editor Luke Hampton.

Left without a leader, the Pioneer staff feels adrift and confused.

“Shelly was my mentor, my best friend and my soulmate,” said Seasly. “I don’t know what I’ll do without her.”

Senior Managing Editor Pam London is stepping up to take on Le’s duties. However, she is haunted by what she could have done to stop this breakdown from happening.

“I feel like I could have

helped Shelly,” said London. “The last couple weeks, I noticed a lot of dirt in her fingernails and her hair. I saw the signs, and I should have said something.”

London and other staff members feel this dirt and baking powder eating could have been triggered by Le’s anxiety in recent weeks. Le normally has to deal with a heavy workload, but recently she has been hard at work on her senior thesis.

“Shelly yelled at me the other day, and she never yells, so I knew something was up,” said London. “Then she yelled, ‘I eat dirt!’ which was pretty weird. I probably should have known something was up when she did that.”

Le also apparently contacted members of the science department to inquire about her unique appetite.

“Le kept coming in to my office hours and asking me if dirt tasted good. I don’t think she understands what astronomy is,” said Associate Professor of Astronomy Keil Legrasse Bison.

Many members of the Pio staff noticed a change in appearance to Le in recent weeks as well.

“It seemed like the more she focused on eating dirt and baking powder, the less she focused on wearing clean clothes and stuff like that. She was like a milder version of Gollum from ‘Lord of the Rings.’ Except she doesn’t want a ring. Just dirt and baking powder,” said senior News Editor Dylan Tull.

This also explains several curious articles published in the past two issues, such as “Whitman campus needs more dirt” and “The top five baking powder spots in Walla Walla.”

“She made my reporters eat dirt as part of an ‘investigation.’ They were crying and pleading to stop but she just told them to put dirt on their faces to soak up the tears,” said sophomore News Editor Sarah Cornett.

As the Pioneer staff attempts to move forward, Whitman security officials are working with the Walla Walla Police Department to find Le. “We are very concerned with finding her and getting her the help she needs.

We also want to make sure

she does not corrupt the local youth with her dangerous diet,” said Walla Walla Chief of Police Wally Wallason.

The police have placed piles of soil and baking powder at various intervals along Mill Creek in hopes of luring Le off the creek and

Apr

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2014

back onto dry land. As of today, she has not been found.

“Honestly, I don’t care if she keeps eating dirt and baking powder. I just want her to come back,” said London. “But I would also really like her to stop eating dirt and baking powder.

Benevolent Dictator of The Pioneer Shelly Le was found perched on a table putting fistfuls of dirt and baking powder in her mouth. She has since dissapeared after publishing multiple articles about tasty dirt. Photos by London

Bayvon Kehroozian, ASWC senators duke it out over bylaws from BAYVON, page 1

“Technically, I’m checking my ASWC email while I’m working on my senior thesis, so really I’m constantly working for ASWC anyway. But with this amendment, I want to make the lives of those who work for the government much easier and happier,” he said.

Sophomore senator Tanya Udisco, who is in favor of amending the bylaw, notes that asking that money be spent for late night studying is not out of line for members of the student government.

“We all really want to have some Sweet Basil, but it’s expensive for us to order since we’re just a bunch of busy students. And especially because we’re leaders of the student body, we don’t necessarily have time to hold jobs.

So we need some way of staying happy and healthy,” she said.

A small coalition of ASWC voting members, however, believe that demands to amend the bylaw are ridiculous and a gross misuse of power. While Kehroo-

Every Correction Ever Shelly Le’s staff title should have been President of the United States of America.

President George Bridges was incorrectly reported as retiring.

He will be around for infinity.

Bridges was also incorrectly credited as saying “Now is the Time.”

zian has been pushing for the amendment changes, the coalition has refused to budge.

“This is absurd. Bayvon doesn’t even like eating pizza.

He’s lactose intolerant for goodness sakes,” said senior ASWC senator Cane Jarmody. “If anything, [his lactose intolerance] is more incentive for me to prevent this amendment from occurring.”

Sophomore ASWC Vice President Pack Jercival, however, is one of the few senators who are divided on their opinions.

Their votes could be the swinging factor in the final decision.

“I really feel for Bayvon, you know? I mean, I spend all of my time staring out the huge

windows in the quiet room, so I know how it feels to be burning the midnight oil, exhausted from an invigorating ASWC debate, but starving from not eating dinner because I love mingling with my constituents,” Jercival said.

Members of ASWC have had to spend their time in the main conference room in Memorial Hall since two Sundays ago and have been unable to leave to shower, eat or attend classes since then. Junior ASWC President Rim Teed says he’s become accustomed to the scent, but regrets that staff workers who come into the conference room to clean now must wear clothespins on their noses

to avoid gagging from the smell.

“It’s tough—I mean, I feel horrible that we’re taking up so much time and space, but we’re talking about some really important stuff here.

This discussion could be felt amongst ASWC and the student body for decades,” Teed said.

Kehroozian has continued filibustering since Sunday night and credits the all-nighters spent working on his senior thesis for preparing him for the lack of sleep he’s had while filibustering.

“This is the most important thing I’ve ever done.

This is about pride, about values. We deserve to be happy,

Ratified the Students for Puppy & Kitten Adoration Club by a vote of 14-0-4.

Ratified the Students in Favor of George Bridges Bringing Back his Constant Use of the Bow Tie Club by a vote of 16-0-2.

Recognized that no longer needing to wear fancy business clothes to Sunday ASWC senate meeting was not really a necessary thing by a vote of 13-2-3.

Approved the Free Pizza for Lactose Intolerant Bayvon Kehroozian Act by a vote of 16-0-2.

Approved junior James Franco to be the Pioneer Editor-in-Chief for 2014-15 by a vote of 16-0-2.

Approved the Free Horsies for Everyone Because Rim Teed had One in High School Act by a vote of 13-2-3.

Rejected the sanctions for ASWC President Rim Teed by a vote of 8-6-4.

Rejected amendments to Bylaw 958, which would have allowed for an addition of $10,000 to the Free Pizza for Lactose Intolerant Bayvon Kehroozian fund by a vote of 7-7-4.

Recognized ASWC is still missing a senior senator and that they still haven’t found a replacement for the position for the past four months by a 16-0-2.

SCRIVeners

ABACUS USERS

Benevolent Dictator Shelly Le

Former A&E Writer Sean McNulty

TEAM UNICORN

Prevents Bankruptcy Skye Vander Laan

Pizza Pam Pam London

Little Minions Jess Faunt, Marianne Kellogg, Haley Larson, Jesse Moneyhun, Abby Seethoff

PIONEER

Layout Queens

Nose Ring$ Hannah Bartman Pizza Quin Quin Nelson The Coup Emily Lin-Jones The Tiny Dancer Kyle Seasly Comic Woman Molly Johanson Bergmacr Catie Bergman Next ASWC Finance Chair Skye Vander Laan Sparkle Master Luke Hampton

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Shit ASWC Did

edits stuff

Team Cupcake Sarah Cornett Dylan Tull

gosh dangit!” Behroozian said.

Teed has given special consent to allow Kehroozian to urinate in a mason jar in a corner, which has enabled Kehroozian to continue filibustering.

“It’s not like we’re the federal government. This is training for potential politicians— like ‘How to be a Politician For Dummies.’ If he needs to go, he’s gotta go. And I’m not going to have someone clean up urine from the carpet,” Teed said.

Stay tuned for online updates on Kehroozian’s favorite topics while filibustering as the ASWC senate standoff enters its 12th day.

“I Don’t Know” Karah Kemmerly Grammar Divas Natalie Berg, Lauren Sewell, Flora Sheppard

GUNTHER TREND

Josephine Adamski, Helen Angell, Samantha Grainger-Shuba, Lachlan Johnson, Daniel Kim, Andy Monserud

COLUMNS FO’ DAYZZ

Master for Dayzz Nick Budak

Emma Dahl, Nathan Fisher, James Kennedy, Vincent Warne

Former Webmaster Ben Schaefer

DETECTIVES

Perpetually Hangry Jess Faunt

Lane Barton, Ben Caldwell, Drew Edmonds, Anna Zheng

MaryAnne Bowen, Sophie Cooper-Ellis, Lya Hernandez, Kels Lund, Asa Mease, Julie Peterson, Emma Rust, Tyle Schuh, Eddy Vazquez

BALLERZ

THE REAL ARTISTS

Alisha Agard, Toby Alden, Sam Chapman, Bill Landefeld, Anuradha Lingappa, Andy Monserud

NIlce Alvarez, Tanner Bowersox, Marra Clay, Devika Doowa, Allie Felt, Alyssa Goard, Annabelle Marcovici, Halley McCormick, Emily Volpert, Anna von Clemm

CODECODECODE

Marah Alindogan, Sarah Anderegg, Cole Anderson, Mitchell Smith, Dylan Snyder

CHUCKY’S ARMY

THE REAL FUNNIES Elena Aragon, Natalie Berg, Rosemary Hanson, Melina Hughes, Tara McCulloch

MONEY CATCHERS

Advertising Associates Melissa Schaffer, Julie Zhu For information about advertising in The Pioneer or to purchase a subscription please contact business@ whitmanpioneer.com.

EDITORIAL POLICY

The Whitman College Pioneer is a weekly student-run newspaper published under the auspices of the Associated Students of Whitman College. The purpose of The Pioneer is to provide pertinent, timely news and commentary for Whitman students, alumni, faculty, staff and parents, as well as the Walla Walla community. The Pioneer is dedicated to expanding open discussion on campus about the issues with which students are most concerned. We provide coverage of Whitman-related news as well as featured local and regional events, and strive to maintain a standard of utmost fairness, quality and journalistic integrity while promoting freedom of the press. In addition, The Pioneer strives to be a learning tool for students who are interested in journalism. The Pioneer welcomes all feedback and publishes letters to the editor in print and online.

SUBMISSION POLICY

Letters to the editor may be submitted to The Pioneer via email at editors@whitmanpioneer.com or sent to The Pioneer, 345 Boyer Ave., Walla Walla, WA, 99362. All submissions must be received by 4 p.m. on Saturday prior to the week that they are intended to appear. All submissions must be attributed and may be edited for concision and fluency.

CODE OF ETHICS

The code of ethics serves as The Pioneer’s established guidelines for the practice of responsible journalism on campus, within reasonable interpretation of the editorial board. These guidelines are subject to constant review and amendment; responsibility for amending the code of ethics is assigned to the editor-in-chief in conjunction with the editorial board.

The code of ethics is reviewed at least once per semester.

To access the complete code of ethics for The Pioneer, visit whitmanpioneer.com/about.

The

TRUE OR FALSE?!

APR

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Library to throw legendary rager on Saturday

by SHELLY LE Benevolent Dictator

S

tudents finally have a legitimate reason to avoid doing homework on Friday nights. Overusing the computer can have serious nega-

tive health effects. Carpal tunnel syndrome, Internet addiction, computer vision syndrome and back strains are dangers of over-using the computer.

Drinking trashy beer, playing music at top volume on speakerphones and flirting with

that cute first-year boy down the hall from you will soon be acceptable at Penrose Library.

Whitman College officials recently announced that the college would be hosting a “rager” at the library in commemoration of students’ achieve-

ments this academic year. The party will be an all-day affair on Saturday, April 5 from 2 p.m to 2 a.m. the next day.

“Whitman students are usually so studious and quiet in the library, so we thought we’d help them release their pent-

Students gather around the library benches to participate in a beer pong tournament. Administration also admits homework sucks and partying rules. Photo by Alvarez

up stress by letting them go wild in the library,” said Head Librarian Arthur Schnoozer.

Seniors working on orals, exams or theses will have to find refuge elsewhere or come to terms with the fact that students at the table next to them may be talking louder than their music can block out.

According to Schnoozer, the following will be deemed normal conduct in the library: 1. Talking loudly on cell phones 2. Crinkly potato chip bags in the quiet room 3. Table dancing in the quiet room 4. Running naked between bookshelves 5. Swivel chair races 6. Watching TV on full volume First-years, feel free to go crazy, ‘cause we all know you don’t really have work to do in the library anyway.

NUMBERS

IN THE NEWS

News in brief: breaking news from around world

by DYLAN TULL Always T’d Up

W

ednesday, April 2: President Obama and Russian Prime Minister Putin came to an agreement over the tense Ukraine conflict this morning. Obama decided he was cool with Putin taking Crimea if the United States could have the other half of it.

Putin quickly agreed, gave Obama a high five and said: “Now you’re a man, a man, man, man.”

Ukraine reportedly voted on the process, and 99 percent voted for the United States’s annexation of the second half of Ukraine.

“It was really quite an overwhelming majority,” said Obama, as he stuffed what looked like

marked up ballots into a trash can.

“Putin and I are really just good buddies doing what’s best for us and the world. We’re America, they are Russia, so no one can really tell us not to do whatever we want. China asked for a piece of Ukraine, but that would violate international laws,” said Obama.

Thursday, April 3: A hurricane swept through southern California yesterday, a phenomenon that’s literally never happened before and never should happen. Despite the fact that the hurricane smelled like gasoline and had traces of glowing radiation in the rain, the U.S. government denied that the strange weather was due to global warming.

“Traces of radiation and nuclear waste do not mean that this was a man-made disaster. Yeah,

there was like trash and burning gasoline floating in the clouds above, but this is a perfectly natural disaster,” said Hugh Jazz, the president of the United States Environmental Protection Agency.

Weather experts said that nuclear-tinged hurricanes in California should literally never happen.

“This is because of global warming. It’s completely our fault,” said a really smart scientist who went to Harvard.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said President Obama.

“This stuff just happens, you know,” said the President of BP Oil. “Humans have nothing to do with it. Probably.”

Thursday, April 3: Washington, following its recent tradition of being extremely liberal and pro-

gressive, recently legalized the drug known as ‘Molly,’ or ecstasy. The decision came after Governor Jay Inslee reportedly went to a “sweet rave” two nights ago.

“I just think it’s a great idea to legalize Molly! Trust me, I have a really, really good feeling about this. It’ll be good for the economy, good for the lower classes, good for the upper classes and great for Washington,” he said, grinning from ear to ear and jumping around excitedly.

Chief medical advisors in the state said they weren’t convinced that this was the best move for Washington. When asked two days later, however, they said they had tried the drug and were utterly convinced it would be a “fucking incredible” idea to legalize it.

Caffeinated students bored, save entire world from WORLD PEACE, page 1

“We spent so many days and nights hunched over in the Library of Congress, nothing but the illumination from our computer screens lighting the scattered papers and books and half-empty cups of coffee. I remember we were not allowed to go one word past that 1,500 word mark; the instructions were very clear on that. And that thesis argument! That was the bloody killer. We fought about it for so long I couldn’t think straight,” said Kate Clerk, a graduate of the London School of Liberal Arts with an English major and a rhetoric-psychology minor, who was also a member of the debate team.

The fourth member of the

group, Armande de Bernard, was unavailable for comment. de Bernard is a graduate of La Petite École des Arts Libéraux in Paris where he completed a double major in world literature and biophysics with a minor in art history. According to his three peers, he is the busiest of the bunch.

“Armande is always flitting off to go look at a piece of artwork or read a really thick book,” said Keith. “He has this tunnel vision toward a goal but has so many goals that he is constantly shifting gears.

He was that way in his college days too. He tells us stories about running from class to lab to athletics and then sleeping on the couches at the library, all in between mar-

athon study sessions and meetings over coffee with professors.”

When each member of the group was first getting started at his or her respective college, nobody believed that within a decade she or he would be at the brink of the greatest achievement in world history. The scope of the success is so huge that Cherundolo can’t find the words to express her excitement, much less the words to describe the group’s solution.

“Honestly I’m just riding that espresso-adrenaline hybrid right now,” she said. “Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be able to talk about our proposed solution coherently and concisely, but now I just need to sleep. As long as I

sound academic and confident everything should be fine. We’ll let the U.N. take it from here.”

And regarding the stereotype that liberal arts degrees don’t lead to much post-graduation?

“I mean, we solved world peace. That’s positively massive,” said Clerk. “That must mean that liberal arts degree was good for something. At the very least, we can write an effective enough paper to make the U.N. interested!”

The U.N. will continue to confer on the proposal this week and make an official announcement at a press conference scheduled for Tuesday at 10 a.m. EST, aired live on CNN and all other major global news stations.

by EMILY LIN-JONES Feature Queen

$500,000,000 Raised last year for George Bridges’s “Bow is the Tie” Campaign, dedicated to preserving a presidential dress code for future generations of Whitties.

37

Number of times Whitman students claimed they were heading home to “Seattle” for spring break only to be corrected that Bellevue/ Edmonds/Lake Forest Park/ Everett/Shoreline/Olympia/etc. are in fact suburbs of Seattle and cannot be called “Seattle.”

22

Number of yoga pants worn

by Whitman first-years per day. Yoga pants are not pants, people.

143

Average number of ill-aimed Frisbee golf shots retrieved by harried grounds crew members from treetops and roofs of liberal arts campuses across the nation, per minute.

Extremely Large

Amount of money spent by some government on something somewhere last year/month/ week.

1.4

Number of facts in this “Numbers in the News” that are actually true.

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ARTS & STUFF Entire class of 2017 declares film and media studies major

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by Melina Hughes Head Economist

I

n the Gen-Y era in which post-modern careers and alternative lifestyles are king, changes to the academia of Whitman College are inevitable, and they have finally hit. This year’s first-year class, bored with practical knowledge of the sciences and disillusioned with the socio-political complexities of the social sciences, have sought refuge in the arts—the cinema arts, to be exact. As a result, the entire first-year class of 2017 has collectively declared themselves as film and media studies majors.

Parents of these media-head students are quietly masking their fury that their children are shirking off their childly duties of becoming doctors and lawyers and paying for their parents’ retirement and country club memberships. Nonetheless, they are paying for a top-notch liberal arts education and their children will get it! (Even if it is a useless subject and their children

will never amount to anything, and all of their vicarious hopes and dreams will be crushed).

Numerous generous parents have started raising money to expand the film and media studies department, holding yard-sales and charity brunches all across the country.

They have also been combing through their old DVDs, donating their copies of “Mad Men,” “Scandal” and “Scooby-Doo.” In the departmental expansion, efforts are also being made to develop a “media history” concentration within the major. Ancient artifacts are being gathered and curated in order for students to study them in a course cotaught by the archaeology department. In this class, students will study ancient technologies such as VHS tapes, records, phones with cords, dial-up modems and even, thanks to a generous anonymous donation, a rotary phone.

First-year students are responding enthusiastically to the news of the growing department. Upperclass-

men and faculty respond with gratuitous eye-rolling.

When asked why he selected his major, first-year Jack Filmer, a recently declared film and media studies major, said, “Well, I like pretty much everything, you know? And with film and media studies, I can learn about everything, but I don’t have to actually do anything. It’s great!”

Filmer’s decision not to follow in the footsteps of his father and become the fifth optometrist in the family crushed all of his parents’ hopes and dreams.

Suzy Mockingjay, another first-year responding to the same question, said, “I kind of hate everything. I hate people, I hate doing things, I hate it all. But I don’t hate watching TV. That’s sort of okay.”

Mr. and Mrs. Mockingjay had high hopes of Suzy becoming a fifth grade teacher.

“That’s clearly not gonna happen. We have sort of given up on her now,” said Mr. Mockingjay.

Mockingjay was ambivalent about her parents’ disapproval.

The current film and media studies department faculty is ecstatic at the enthusiasm (and mild apathy) of all their newly declared students.

“It’s great having so many students interested in the cinematic arts! We are going to have to cuddle in close if we are all going to fit in Kimball Auditorium for the film screenings,” said Professor Robert Pickles.

At the latest departmental meeting, the faculty also decided that, with so many students, they would have to assign homework over the summer break in order to ensure that the education of the film and media students would still be top-notch, even with significantly larger classes. Each student is required to watch Netflix over the summer and be prepared to discuss upon their return in the fall.

“I mean, like, watch all of Netflix. Everything on it, even the really obscure movies that no one has ever heard of and the Disney knockoffs that came from who-knows-where,” said Pickles.

3

2014

PIO PICKS Each Thursday, The Pioneer highlights events happening on campus or in Walla Walla.

Here are this week’s picks: A Cool Lecture You Want to Attend But Probably Can’t Because You Have Too Much Homework: Yeah, you should go.

Probably Thursday at 7 p.m., academic building

Rager at Frat Come drink beer and dance in a sweaty and dimly lit room! Songs with lots of bass provided.

Weekend, 9 p.m.-1 a.m.(ish), probably TKE basement

Art Outside the Box: Whitman staff art will be featured at this public exhibit, which will be put on display as students return from spring break.

Saturday, March 1, 7 p.m., La Maison

Another Program at IHC There will most likely be some sort of art project and definitely cookies.

Afternoonish, one of those houses with a sign that you’ve never been to by Lakum Dukum

Science Major Goes into Art Building This is a once-in-a-lifetime creative experience. Not to be missed.

Friday, May 16, 12:32-12:33 p.m., Art Building

Student pictured in ‘Whitties Don’t Drink’ sign drinks ... a lot

One of the many “Whittie’s Don’t Drink” signs found around campus. Eric Uncle ‘16 couldn’t be happier. Photo by Bergman

by DYLAN TULL The D-Man

I

n a scandal that shocked Whitman administration but didn’t surprise a single Whitman student, the student pictured in a recent “Most Whitties Don’t Drink” campaign poster drinks.

A lot. Like, I mean a shitload.

Junior Eric Uncle is featured prominently in the signs that cover Whitman campus, which claim that around 80 percent of Whitties don’t drink more than one drink on the weekends. Unfortunately, Whitman chose the wrong student to represent that group.

“I wasn’t even aware nor-

mal coffee doesn’t have whiskey in it until I went to Starbucks and got inexplicably sober,” said Uncle, slurring his words. “Luckily that only lasted like 10 minutes because I brought an extra flask of the good shit.”

When questioned by The Missionary, the administration claimed they didn’t know

WHITMAN COLLEGE BY NUMBERS

$55,800 W C

Uncle was a fiending alcoholic when they took his photo.

“He kept taking sips out of a red Solo cup, and he kept asking us for the TKE, Beta, Sig or Phi kitchen keys. He said it really didn’t matter which one.

But I was pretty convinced that Whitties straight up don’t drink, so I didn’t really know what to make of it,” said Dean of Students Kevan Truss Teepleaser.

For the first half of his interview, Uncle was unresponsive to our questions. He could only mutter the words, “nines, nines, nines, nines na nines” to himself in the melody of the Imperial March. [Editors Note: We think this is some sort of drinking game, although the rules seemed overly complex, and no one could actually understand what Uncle was saying.]

After we offered him a bottle of our finest Pinot Noir, Uncle began to open up about the morning of the photo shoot.

“They’d have to be idiots not to know. I’m pretty sure I was shitfaced when they took the photo. I don’t really remember taking the photo, actually. So yeah, I was druuuunk,” he said, seemingly about to fall out of his chair.

The scandal was discovered on the first day the posters went up, when a resident adviser in the Sober Living Hall Janice Manice saw the photo and noticed an unmarked

flask in Uncle’s back pocket, vomit splatters on his shirt and a cigarette behind his ear.

“I’ve seen people smoke crack in a TV show, and it’s not a laughing matter. When you smoke and drink at the same time, you end up vomiting alcohol and drugs onto yourself.

That is how you die. Like Philip Seymour Hoffman,” said Manice, definitely misinterpreting everything that she was attempting to talk about.

When asked why he did it, Uncle began to look contemplative and thoughtful.

“Jimi Hendrix did it, and he’s an alright guy. I mean, my heroes just happen to be Dylan Thomas, Jim Morrison, Archer from “Archer” and Don Draper. I aspire to be like those individuals,” he said.

At this point in the interview, Uncle began being incomprehensible. He began shouting, “That’s how you get ants!” to our reporter. Among other things, he muttered “danger zone” under his breath and repeatedly assured us that he doesn’t have a problem.

“This is exactly why we need those posters up around campus,” said Teepleaser. “If I drank like Uncle, I would probably be dead. My wife would certainly divorce me.”

When asked for closing comments, Uncle, with a cigarette already in his mouth, simply asked, “Can I smoke in here?”

E-Cigs turn Beta members into X-men

The cost of tuition for one year

One chicken can lay as many as eggs per year

307

So in one year, your 7,971.4 chickens could lay

7,971.4

2,447,219.8

The number of chickens you could buy with the amount of $ you spend on tuition for one year at Whitman

That’s a lot of omelettes. *information from: google search and whitman.edu

eggs!

by KYLE SEASLY The Tiny Dancer

I

t’s often called a “smoker’s paradox” or a “surprising situation involving cigarettes,” but once again, God has laughed in the face of science at the Beta Theta Pi fraternity.

It seems that the house to the west of Tau Kappa Epsilon has begun to develop superhuman abilities of the X-Men variety. Their spokesman, senior Wiley Mucus, approached The Pioneer in a wheelchair and bald head when interviewed last Saturday.

Mucus comments that many visitors to the Beta house are initially shocked by the change.

“It all started when regular cigarettes started getting too mainstream. So we at the Beta house decided to switch to e-cigarettes,” he said.

Another Beta, Dean O’Nutty, stated the change was

for

appearance’s sake only.

“We all just wanted to look like bounty hunters from the future,” he said.

It seems their efforts have worked since their physical appearances have changed—slowly but surely. One Beta in particular, Soel O’Nhea has become especially tall and hairy.

“Well, he was already like that. But that stuff in the e-cigs really does mess with your DNA. I can make stuff float now, like Dr. Manhattan or whatever,” said O’Nutty.

Indeed, some Betas began to turn blue, develop powers of invisibility and look like Hugh Jackman. This was quickly met with a huge contribution from Marvel, after an agreement to do a documentary on the house.

“It’s essentially the white every weekend now thanks to Marvel,” said Mucus, puffing away on his e-cig.

NEWS OR SOMETHING, IDK 5

APR

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3

2014

FAKE ADVERTISEMENT

Senior duck may not receive diploma after all

by MOLLY JOHANSON Comic Woman

Spring is a time of excitement and renewal. Flowers bloom, people begin ordering their lattes iced, and Whitman seniors begin turning their pale faces and screenstrained eyes toward the shining sun of graduation. As many seniors excitedly await leaving Whitman College and migrating into the future, one student isn’t looking forward to the change.

Senior Waddles Muscowitz has been doing everything in his power to avoid graduation at all costs.

“Why would I want to leave when I have everything I ever need here on campus? I have a warm pond, all the food I want, lots of hot chicks to check out .... I’m happy here. Plus, if I don’t leave, getting a bad grade on a test really doesn’t mean anything except more time here,” said Muscowitz.

Muscowitz’s sentiments are not unique. Many of the other ducks on campus are super- or super-superseniors, extending their tenure here on campus indefinitely. Maintenance Director Walter Willy is wor-

ried that Whitman has created an environment that is too comfortable.

“I mean, we do heat the pond and feed them for free. I wish my life was as good as theirs,” said Willy.

In addition, the Whitman administration is hesitant to change its policy on dramatically reduced tuition for ducks because the retention percentages contribute positively to the college’s ratings. However, the comfortable environment doesn’t seem to be pushing the campus ducks to grow and develop. One super-super-senior duck is on his third attempt to finish his senior thesis.

“Yeah, I’m a social science major .... I picked it because I live so close to Maxey Hall and don’t want to walk too far. My adviser just sent back some edits on my thesis draft, and he was impressed I even turned anything in because I can’t read or write or type,” said super-super-senior Donald Muddles.

Muscowitz is planning to walk with the rest of his classmates at graduation but will probably not be receiving a diploma. He also forgot to order a cap and gown.

“What is the point? They didn’t come in my size,” said Muscowitz.

Bachelor Percival struts campus with style

by SKYE VANDER LAAN Money Maker

S

ophomore Jack Percival is without a doubt the hottest piece of action on Whitman campus. Everybody is already queuing up to meet the virile, visionary vice-president from Nevada. Yet what is all the buzz about? Read on to find out.

Given that he is one of the most eligible bachelors on campus, Percival is incredibly modest.

“It’s utterly baffling. I’m so incredibly awkward that I’m sure everyone I interact with just wants to apparate out of there,” said Percival.

Well, I must admit that there is something ungainly about his appearance.

“When I see Jack Percival, all I can think of is a stork that somebody strapped a backpack to and taught how to talk,” said a source close to Percival.

Percival laughs off this description, readily admitting what many on campus suspected: that approximately 75 percent of his height is derived solely from his legs.

This gangling physique yielded one of Whitman’s most defining sights: the Jack Percival walk.

Incredibly versatile, Percival’s stride has been likened to “a loping giraffe,” “an elderly man with a hip replacement,” “a spry male ballerina” and “a scuttling crab.”

Despite these descriptions, Jack wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I love that people turn their

heads to marvel at my walk. It makes me feel powerful,” said Percival.

I’ll admit that there is something strangely entrancing about those wildly swinging arms and bouncing legs.

Yet this is not Percival’s only attention-grabbing feature. His roommate reports that Percival often performs for her, blasting topforty music whilst executing basic hip gyrations, as well as showing off reportedly more “exot-

ic” moves. I’m still not entirely sure what those entail, but one thing is for sure: this boy has some hot tricks up his sleeve.

Percival has an impeccable sense of style and fashion. Despite owning a monochromatic wardrobe, he still somehow manages to look dashing. “When I’m shopping, I just picture a bunch of rocks and pick things that fit that image. I think it’s super masculine,” said Percival when asked why seemingly every

article of clothing he owns is gray.

It certainly is. I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets a little sweaty when I see that stone-toneclad-body enter the quiet room.

Despite his apparent perfection, Percival assures he is no different. “I’m just like everybody else. Sometimes after a long day of researching postwar liberalism, I just want to put on my suit, sip a corona and pretend I’m Francis Underwood,” he said.

Where is the real George Bridges?

Jack Percival ‘16 sunbathes shirtless while wearing a fashonable blazer, showing why he is Whitman’s hottest bachelor right now. Photo by Vander Lan ADVERTISEMENT

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Some guy impersonating President George Bridges tries to convince ASWC President Tim Reed ‘15 that he is the real George Bridges. Clearly he is not the real George Bridges, for he is not wearing the Bridges bow tie. Photos by Clay

3 WHITMAN IS HOGWARTS 6 Gistan Tavin and the Order of the Duck Apr

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2014

by Melina Hughes Head Economist

A

few months ago, a gorgeous up-and-coming young writer broke the story of the much rumored Chamber of TKErets and its alleged opening. Well, it was opened, that’s for sure. Nobody really knows if it got closed, actually. That should probably be checked on...…Anyway, we return to the four houses of Whitman College: the SIGendors, the HufflePHIs, the BETAclaws and the SlytherTKEs in order to discuss the newly formed WA—Watercrossings’s Army.

Just recently, Jorge Watercrossings, beloved president of Whitman College, announced his impending retirement. Many of Watercrossings’s supporters believe his graceful exit in a burst of flame, caused by his beloved pet

duck, is not due to his own volition.

No, Watercrossings is being forced out by the Ministry, and people like Bright’s Fudge and Taqueria Umbridge, who claim Watercrossings is guilty of polluting the minds of students with such nonsense as the return of ... of ... gosh, what’shisname ... umm ... THE RETURN OF WHATSHISNAME. Students of Whitman College, led by Gisten Tavin, Ryan Bro and Sathan Nanny, have banded together in order to form Watercrossings’s Army in support of our wronged president and in order to learn truly how to defend themselves from Whatshisname.

Members of WA have started an aggressive letter-writing campaign to the Ministry demanding Watercrossings’s reinstatement as president for forever. A reply has not yet been received from Minister Bright’s Fudge, but perhaps send-

ing a few more passive-aggressive letters attached to ducks will get him to listen! As for their defensive training against Whatshisname, the members of the WA have been sharpening No. 2 pencils until their

points are deadly and have been learning to fight by hitting each other with some twigs. At least they seem to be having a lot of fun so far.

If you would like to join the super secret Watercrossings’s

Army, please contact Gisten Tavin or stop by one of their meetings, which are held Tuesdays at 4:30 p.m. at the Collville Street Patisserie. You may want to bring some money for a nice warm butterbeer.

Gistan Tavin (left, above) leads the four united houses of Whitman College to victory atop his trusty steed. Photos from Pioneer Archives

One team gets more sports Opinion Editor Kyle Seasly shows points than other varsity team up for his first ever staff meeting

by Quin Nelson Pun Master

I

t was another exciting night at the ballpark where the Whitman team took on the other team at the game.

The Missionaries did better than the other team, earning more sports points than their opponents, which means that they won.

The game started with the ball being put on the field, and then the players began to move. They moved along with the ball up and down the playing area, calling out to one another as if to say, “Hey! Move that sports ball my way! I believe I will have success with it in this area.”

When the sports teams would get near scoring a point, the fans would yell. Some would yell out of pure excitement, while others made witty comments. There were other fans who went so far as to yell at the players on the other team.

This, however, drew the ire of the older man in the middle of the sports game who seemed to be there to keep order on the sports court, sort of like a judge would keep order in a law court. This is an interesting parallel between sports and life.

The teams continued to go up and down until a break when both teams gathered at their respective rest areas and socialized. This break did not last very long in comparison to the length of the game.

When the players returned to the sports field, they seemed less fatigued. They moved the sports ball faster and maneuvered their bodies with greater agility.

The opposing team gained additional sports points so their point total drew nearer to Whitman’s point total. The teams began to

get more emotional and intermittently took to shoving one another.

One Whitman player yelled at a player on the other team. It was difficult to make out what he said, but it was something like, “Hey, stop scoring sports points! My team would like to win, and it would be easier if you stopped scoring sports points.”

When the game began getting close to the end, everyone became more intense. This included the sports players, their coaches and the sports fans. It was beginning to get difficult for the sports judge to keep track of the sports points and keep the sports players in order.

Some players became fatigued, so they went to sit down and rest. Well-rested players entered the game in their stead. The

game continued to be played, and the players looked very focused as they continued to force their bodies to move fast despite their fatigue.

Despite the efforts of the opposing team, the game ended with Whitman’s sports team having more sports points than the other sports team. The Whitman players smiled in relief and slapped their hands on the hands of other players.

The players on the other team shook their heads and walked around aimlessly as if they hoped that if they lingered long enough, the game would resume and they could earn more sports points.

The Whitman sports team played other sports games before this game and is likely to play more after.

by Shelly Le Mob Boss

I

s it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s just junior Opinion Editor Kyle Seasly showing up for his first Pioneer budgeting meeting of the semester.

Members of the Pioneer editorial and managerial board expressed surprise and excitement over Seasly’s appearance, noting that Seasly sauntered into last Sunday’s budgeting meeting on March 30 unaware of the shock on his peers’ faces.

“We’ve really missed him, you know? He’s like the blood of our organization. Me and him?

We go together like peanut butter and pickles. It’s just not the same without him,” said sophomore Sports Editor Quin Nelson.

Seasly notes that he can’t make Sunday budgeting meetings because of his work with Whitman’s outside catering business Bon Appétit, but says he’s surprised that so many people noticed he was missing.

“I mean, I didn’t think so many people cared about me. We’re always listening to Luke [Hampton, the illustration editor,] share his sparkly happy moments of the week that I didn’t think people even bothered to notice I was gone,” he said.

Sophomore News Editor Sarah Cornett says she has seen Seasly on Friday nights at the Beta Theta Pi fraternity, weeping over a bottle of pumpkin spice Blue

Moon, frustrated at his lack of ability to attend budgeting meetings.

“He just looks so sad. I feel really bad. I wish I could help him,” said Cornett. “But it’s not like I could lead his section. He’s really opinionated, so that’s why really only he can lead the Opinion team.”

Senior Photo Editor Catie Bergman noted that Seasly has been missing from a number of Pioneer staff photos. When she offered to Photoshop him in, he refused.

“I was trying to be nice and include him, but he was very adamant about keeping the picture ‘natural’ or something. He said that it wouldn’t be true to the moment. I think he was trying to be existential or something,” said Bergman.

According to Hampton, playing “Sparkle, Farkle,” a game in which the staff shares their highs and lows of the week will take longer, but will ultimately be more interesting.

“He’s such a well-traveled and knowledgeable guy. He brings this whole new dimension to the board that I love watching. He’s just so cool. I wish I could be his friend,” he said.

While Seasly says that his appearance at last Sunday’s meeting is abnormal, the love and adoration he has experienced has inspired him to try coming to more Sunday meetings.

“I might have to have my dog stand in as a substitute at Bon App, but I’ll make it happen, someway.

Everyone’s just so great,” he said.

ADVERTISEMENT

School colors changed to flannel

by ROsemary Hanson Beautiful Human

A

fter months of debate, petitioning and bake sales, the student body finally has closure on the Whitman color issue.

Earlier last week the Board of Trustees and the Associated Students of Whitman College released their final conclusion concerning the petition to change the school colors from the gold and blue that have graced the school since 1893. In their page-long statement, the Board of Directors gave their approval for the change: “We have, after some discussion and review, concluded that the desire of the student body to change the school colors of Whitman College should be honored. Though the school has had a long tradition of blue and gold, with the blue representing the sky and the gold representing the wheat fields, these colors no longer suit the needs of the campus as a whole. Therefore, the Board supports this change.”

After a poll of the general student body, ASWC announced that the new school colors will be “flannel” and “unshaven,” as both of these write-in votes appear to have been added by 82 percent of the school population. This popularity appears to be largely the result of heavy campaigning by Beta Theta Phi for “flannel,” and by the rock climbing “bros and brodettes” for “unshaven.” Also in the running were “ripped,” “quinoa,” “purple” and “swaaaaaaaag.”

In response to the changing of the school colors, school spirit – almost nonexistent on the campus before – appears to have risen over 800 percent. President Gorge Ridges says he couldn’t be happier.

“It’s so nice to see everyone sporting the school colors in solidarity,” he said. “It’s a refreshing change of pace! Usually no one would even be caught dead in a Whitman t-shirt, but now, when I look out my office window, it’s a sea of flannel. The other college presidents

will be so jealous. Take that, UPS!” Student leaders are just as excited at this turn of events.

“I’m thrilled,” said senior Maya LeMaré of Portland, who has been leading the charge of color change. “It really shows Whitman’s commitment to unpretension.”

Her main collaborator on this project, and the man behind the “Keep Whitman Hairy” campaign, sophomore Adam Manchester of Portland agreed.

“I think this is a really great thing for the college and a great victory for the student body. Blue and yellow are just so in-your-face, you know? This is a lot more chill, and I’m down.”

Both said they would continue working with the college on key issues, but assure our readers that the mascot is safe.

“In fact,” said LeMaré, “We’ve found out a way to incorporate them both in a new cheer: ‘If you think our legs are hairy, you should see our missionary!’” Students are equally excited. “You mean there was a vote?

That’s wild—when did that happen?”

Micks said before taking a truly massive bong hit from what appeared to be a converted Nalgene bottle.

Fifth-year senior Frida Lincoln of Portland also commented on how happy she was that so many students supported the initiative.

“It’s always nice when Whitties get excited about something that is not running around naked,” said Lincoln.

Even the Board of Trustees seemed excited, releasing a memo today expressing their desire for further cooperation with the Whitman student body: “We could not be more pleased with this change. We have too long tried to foster the image that Whitman is a reputable institute of higher learning and not a way station for athletic hippies, rich vegans and Kerouac-loving societal drop-outs a generation too late to be radical. We have already pandered to every other of your poorly-planned ‘save the world’ initiatives, so fuck it. Change the

damn colors. And while you are at it, make the textbooks out of recycled organic hemp fibers and build the buildings out of soy. See what we care.”

So here’s hoping to see all you students in our new school colors! Hooray for Whitman!

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IMPORTANT PEOPLE TALK

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A letter from George Bridges

by ANNIE MCFADDEN Epistolary Specialist

Dear Whitman College Students and Families, A few weeks ago, I announced to the Whitman College community my impending resignation from my position at the college. As is our tradition, Whitman’s Board of Trustees has the immeasurably important role of identifying my successor. It is a true honor to announce officially that the search for a replacement—one who embodies the exact essence of Whitman College—has come to fruition!

It is with great pride that I introduce to you my replacement: BxW382 myWhitman College President Simulator PrezPro 15.0 TM Robot. The Board of Trustees and I are fully confident in Rob’s abilities, enthusiasm and expertise. Through our painstaking and thorough search, Rob

emerged clearly as a perfect fit for our campus and community.

Rob is sure to bring a highly progressive and refreshing perspective to our campus. As a gender-neutral, asexual metalloid born to a mixed media couple, zir’s unique upbringing will no doubt continue to promote the open-minded and continually evolving atmosphere of the Whitman campus.* I will now take a moment to debrief you all on the background of my successor. A native to the unpretentious culture of the Northwest, Rob was born in Intel, Ore. but went on to study at Tokyo’s prestigious A.I. University, earning dual degrees in everything and human interaction.

After graduating, Rob went on to found an organization that has helped over 10,000 at-risk iPod nanos find work within the city. On top of this, Rob spends free time teaching zimself to master the lan-

guages of English, Spanish, Swahili, Russian, bitcoin and HTML//.

Though already extremely accomplished, my six-monthold successor will be the youngest president that Whitman has seen, as well as the smallest, measuring just 4-by-4 centimeters, so as to fit easily into the sim card slot of your smart phone. The bow tie, which is traditionally passed down symbolically to new presidents, is slated to be replaced with twine.

To conclude, I truly hope that the community will come together to embrace wholeheartedly my future replacement.

Respectfully yours, George S. Bridges President *Zir, of course, is the formal gender-neutral pronoun with which our future president shall be addressed.

Call of Duty awesome in so many ways DYLAN TULL Beta

CALL ME BROBY

I

’m pounding my third Redbull as I write this, and I just got back from my second quadriceps work out of the day, so I might be a little amped. But even if I’m super-duper jacked right now, I can honestly and totally objectively say that Call of Duty: Special Modern Soldier: White and Black Ops 3 is the greatest game I’ve played since Call of Duty: Special Modern Soldier: White and Black Ops 2. If I were reviewing this for ThisGameisSick.com, I’d definitely give it like a 9.9-10.0. To make that more understandable to my less math-oriented readers, it’d be a “rock hard” on a scale of “flaccid” to “super boner.”

The greatest part of this game is that I can play with all my closest bros online from the comfort of my own home. I can snuggle deep into my warm bed and shoot all those goddamn terrorists while my favorite bros whisper sweet strategies into my ear.

The only thing that would make it better would be if I could snuggle with all my bros and play Call of Duty together from one bed. But, you know, there’s always Call of Duty: Special Modern Soldier: White and Black Ops 4. Which I hear is right around the corner!

Excellent news, ‘cause this shit can only get better and better.

Gameplay? Definitely a “rock hard.” Graphics? Oh my god, I’ve never seen unidentifiable, but slightly Middle Eastern-looking terrorists look so ambiguously threatening. “Rock hard” once again. Sound quality? It’s not that much of a jump from the previous Call of Duty, so I’ll give it a “semi-boner.” Battlefield 7: Invasion of the Socialists had way better sound quality, if you ask me.

Still, when you add it all up, I’ve never felt more satisfied when playing a video game. (Speaking of satisfied, here’s a pro tip for all you nubs out there: play this game on the pooper, and thank me later).

The game begins with you and your special forces team, a.k.a. the main bros, fist-bumping and pounding Redbulls and vodkas in the back of a Humvee.

The main character and his main dudes are just shooting the shit in Islamastan, a completely fictional country, where they are gen-

“The greatest part of this game is that I can play with all my closest bros online from the comfort of my own home. I can snuggle deep into my warm bed and shoot all those goddamn terrorists while my favorite bros whisper sweet strategies in my ear.” erously fighting for the freedom of pretty much every third world country. For some reason—it’s never revealed why—the locals are fucking pissed at you and the other freedom fighters, so for no apparent reason, they lob a grenade at your troupe. Then, your

favorite rock-hard dude dies in your arms, and you’ve got nothing left to do but take revenge on all those ungrateful socialists.

I won’t spoil anything else, but let me tell you, it’s a great fucking intro to a great fucking game.

I have this friend who is super into these fairy-looking Japanese role-playing games (JRPGs). Now, don’t get me wrong, I can get behind those games sometimes. Like, really get behind them, mount them, and just enjoy them, ya’ know? But those games really don’t have the same depth of gameplay and creativity that Call of Duty offers. Kutuku, a respected gaming website, once described Call of Duty as “the shit.” They also described the JRPG, Binding of Shenmue as “shit.” I think those critical reviews really speak for themselves.

But let me put the question to you, wise reader. Which would you rather have: a unique, social commentary in the form of talking pigs and elves, or a gun with 12 different camouflage options?

If you chose the first option, you are definitely not my bro. If you chose the second, my gaming handle is 420BlazeIt, and I’m willing to chat and chill with my bros till the wee hours of the morning.

The Pio regrets...

Editor-in-Chief Shelly Le regrets that she is spending her 22nd birthday night at the best place on earth...the Pio office!

She also regrets that she hasn’t ordered enough pizza for production nights this year.

News Editor Dylan Tull regrets that he still hasn’t finalized plans for the Pio staff “rager” of spring semester.

Editor-in-Chief Shelly Le regrets that she tried to make a social chair position for the Pio, had no interested applicants and had to force the job onto Dylan.

Web Content Editor Jess Faunt regrets that production night snacks always come after she leaves the Pio office for the night.

Voices from the Community

The Pioneer production staff regrets Production Manager Sean McNulty’s music preferences on Wednesday nights...for the second year in a row.

Managing Editor Pam London regrets that she couldn’t beat the “gym leader” while playing Pokémon when she was a little kid and that she ended up crying to her mother about it.

Chief Copy Editor Karah Kemmerly regrets that she has begun to use AP style in all of her writing.

Illustration Editor Luke Hampton regrets that The Pioneer editorial board no longer plays “Sparkle, Farkle” at their Friday meetings.

Business Manager and Videography Editor Skye Vander Laan regrets that he had to yell at ducks for this issue...or does he?

Managing Editor Pam London regrets that she let the Sports page use the word “chill” in a headline for a story about an ice rink.

Web Content Editor Jess Faunt regrets that she has taught the Pioneer production staff the meaning of “hangry.”

Editor-in-Chief Shelly Le and Managing Editor Pam London regret that Sports Editor Quin Nelson and Production Assistant Marianne Kellogg attempt to come up with as many puns as possible on the sports page every week.

What is wrong with society?

Poll by SKYE VANDER LAAN, Duck Whisperer

UGLY DUCKLING

LUCY GOOSEY

DUCKING AWESOME

POLLY WANTA-QUACKER

“Paddywack.”

“Cashback.”

“ASWC.”

“Aflac.”

NEWS BRIEFS

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Styx takes vacation to visit family at PDX Airport

“I

haven’t seen my sisters in years, so I thought I would go for a visit,” said Styx over the phone.

The metal horse is taking a leave of absence from its spot in front of the science building to visit its fellow Deborah Butterfield sculptures that reside outside the Portland airport.

‘Ugghhh,’ says hungover student

J

unior Lyle Sealsy had a few too many drinks last Saturday.

“U U U U U UGU U UGH H HHHHHHHHHH,” said Sealsy.

Senior glares at firstyear student

“I

’m just, like, so busy, because I have an Encounters paper and an entire research paper due for paleo next week! I think I’ll pull my first all-nighter,” said first-year Valerie Styles.

Weekend hookup does not text student back

“I

really thought those hours we spent grinding meant something,” said sophomore Jack Russel on a recent Sunday morning.

The two allegedly exchanged phone numbers, and Russel is still awaiting a reply to his text message saying “hey.”

Student declares biology major

S

ophomore Emily Smith from Portland has officially declared a biology major.

“I’m one of four students in my genetics class, and organic chemistry isn’t much bigger,” said Smith. “But I’m looking forward to lots of personal attention, since it’s such a tiny major.”

Starbucks to sponsor day-before-due-date thesis writing

T

he Extreme Thesis-ing Competition begins 24 hours prior to thesis due dates. Spectators may observe the frenzied, caffeine-addled seniors compete from the quiet room balcony.

fter unsuccessfully searching for a spot to study in the library on a Sunday night, seniors Shelly Seashells and Patty Krabby made a discovery.

“One of the librarians left a door open at the top of the fourth floor stairwell,” said Krabby.

“And, yeah, it, like, led up to an extra floor. Like, who knew that’s where they kept the Croatian poetry. I didn’t!” said Seashells.

The floor, however, was already full of students studying.

The two returned home defeated.

Prentiss Dining Hall ‘secret’ menu leaked online

E

arly Tuesday morning, the Bon Appétit gossip blog, “BonApp Chat,” released the Prentiss secret menu. Students were eager to try it, but got mixed results.

“The ‘Put a Bird on It,’ where they add chicken, was really great for some of the vegan dishes, but the ‘Spice it Up’ was kind of disappointing. They just added salt and pepper,” said sophomore Kevin Bacon.

Prentiss Dining Hall Manager Dorian Itos released a statement asking students to refrain from ordering the ‘Moist Towelette’ due to sanitation reasons.

Seniors leave too much granola in library lockers, cause squirrel infestation

A

s thesis due dates draw near, snacky seniors illegally store more and more granola, dried fruit and tea in their library lockers, leading to hungry hipster squirrels learning how to pick locks, steal food and brew tea.

Science professor Q&A

Q

: Can you cook an egg in a washing machine set on “hot”?

A: No.

T

he rivalry between the Destruction Ducks and the Sneaky Squirrel gangs reaches its boiling point, resulting in numerous tagging incidents and switchblade fights.

Lost: grasp on reality

I

n a world without boundaries, I have slipped past the edges of the mind. Dancing on some distant star, I wonder how we have reduced the unspeakable vibration of existence into nouns possessed. What is joy? What is sorrow? What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.

Couple meets anonymously over Whitman Encounters, weds, each remains unaware of other’s true identity Woman available for date

F

emale Backpage writer, 5’3”, 1991 model, relatively pleasant (relatively), not passive-aggressive at all, smells vaguely of cinnamon, transmission shoddy. Lunch for two or best offer.

Whitman College geology majors secede to form own school, threaten to overtake Frisbee team

W

hitman College geology majors have announced their plan to secede from the college and form their own school. The entrance exam includes a section on beer chugging. Outsiders fear a threat to conquer and overtake the Frisbee team.

Green smoothies secret revealed

Student has sex

W

e have confirmed that senior Mark Freedman had sex. There will be a question-andanswer session at 5:30 p.m. tomorrow in Maxey Auditorium.

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P

opular Walla Walla vegan restaurant reveals the secrets behind their infamous green smoothies. Head chef accredits the bold color and flavor to a combination of kale, avocado and $20 bills.

I

Hos before Bros

n an attempt to restore gender balances, Whitman’s Greek life has resolved to adopt new terminology.

All men’s groups will from here on be referred to as “men’s sororities.”

I’m breaking up with you, Nick Buy 1 entree, get 1 half off (of equal or lesser value) on

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2014

Campus wracked with violence as duck, squirrel gangs wreak havoc

Fifth floor of library discovered

A

APR

I

’m sorry, I’ve just been going through a lot of things, and I just can’t be with you right now. I know it’s hard, but it’s not your fault. I just think it’s better if we are not together. Also, you slept with my roommate.

Whitman curling team wins big

H

aving won the Washington State Competition, Whitman College’s well-respected curling team is headed to the National Conference of Curling.

“Well, obviously we have a huge fan-base here at Whitman, so it’s been great to have all that support. And we gave up our entire winter break to train, so I’d be pretty upset if it hadn’t paid off like it did,” said captain junior Ben Williams.

Students literally confused about how to use the word ‘literally’

T

he Whitman English Department is concerned that students do not understand the meaning of the word “literally.”

In response, sophomore James Flannery said, “I feel like it is literally the worst thing ever that everyone’s making such a big deal about this.”

When questioned about potentially worse things, like death or famine, Flannery had literally no comment.

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Tumblr, Facebook shut down over the weekend, students turn in dozens of papers early Study shows blondes actually don’t have more fun

O

n Tuesday, Social Psychology Professor Catherine Dennings confirmed, “Our preliminary research shows thatblondes may actually have less fun than other individuals.”

Dennings cited severe sunburns as a potential source of blondes’ discomfort.

Student fears how Buzzfeed quiz results will impact her future

S

ophomore Gemma Franklin worries that her Buzzfeed quiz results reflect poorly on her. “If I were a pizza topping, I’d be anchovies! I always thought I was a pepperoni person.”

Man catcalls woman, shocked it does not lead to long-term relationship

O

n Saturday night, first-year Oliver Grimes was blatantly ignored by the woman he catcalled.

“Honestly, I’m still surprised.

She wasn’t even that hot, so I thought she’d be flattered,” said Grimes.

Sources say that Grimes is still waiting for the woman to thank him.

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