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The Night the Lights Went Out in Gainesville may be be hard hard to to believe, believe, but but Gainesville’s Gainesville’s move move to to public public power power began began in in late late 1911 1911 over over aa $7.30 $7.30 bill bill dispute. dispute. At At the the ItIt may time, Gainesville Gainesville was was aa small small town town just just getting getting used used to to hosting hosting the the six-year-old six-year-old fledgling fledgling University University of of Florida, Florida, and and the the time, community’s electric electric needs needs were were served served by by the the privately privately owned owned Gainesville Gainesville Gas Gas and and Electric Electric Company, Company, known known as as community’s GG&E. GG&E. In response response to to residents’ residents’ frequent frequent complaints complaints that that the the downtown downtown streetlights streetlights were were either either off off or or poorly poorly maintained, maintained, the the In City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only aa $2.70 reduction. reduction. The The City City refused refused to to pay, pay, so so GG&E GG&E cut cut off off the the power power on on January January 26, 26, 1912. 1912. $2.70 It may be hard to believe, but Gainesville’s move to public power began in late 1911 over a $7.30 bill dispute. At the
“Gainesville time, streets arewas in the the dark and local Gainesville a smalldark town just getting used to hosting the six-year-old fledgling University of Florida, and the “Gainesville streets are in and local community’s electric needs were served by the privately owned Gainesville Gas and Electric Company, known as residents are wondering what to expect next,” residents areGG&E. wondering what to expect next,” read an an article article in in The The Gainesville Gainesville Sun Sun the the read In response to residents’ frequent complaints that the downtown streetlights were either off or poorly maintained, the next day. day. next City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only a $2.70 reduction. The City refused to pay, so GG&E cut off the power on January 26, 1912.
Citizens were were outraged outraged at at the the lack lack of of control control they they Citizens “Gainesville streets are in the dark and local had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots residents arecreation wondering what to expect next,” campaign to demand the of a city-run electric campaign to demand the creation of a city-run electric read anwish. articleConstruction in The Gainesville Sun the utility. They got their of the downtown utility. They gotnext theirday. wish. Construction of the downtown power plant, plant, now now the the John John R. R. Kelly Kelly Generating Generating Station, Station, power was started the next year and completed in 1914. So Citizens were outraged at the lack of control was started the next year and completed in 1914. they So had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots began Gainesville’s ownership of a public power utility, began Gainesville’s ownership publicofpower campaign to demand of theacreation a city-runutility, electric which became became utility. Gainesville Regional Utilities. of the downtown which Gainesville Utilities. They got Regional their wish. Construction power plant, now the John R. Kelly Generating Station, was started the next year and completed Reliable and and safe, safe, not-for-profit electricity frominaa1914. So Reliable not-for-profit electricity from began Gainesville’s ownership of a public power utility, hometown company–that’s company–that’s the benefit benefit of public public power. hometown the of which became Gainesville Regional Utilities. power. Celebrate with with us. us. For For aa list list of of events events and and upcoming upcoming Celebrate and safe, not-for-profit electricity from a contest details detailsReliable visit www.gru.com. www.gru.com. contest visit hometown company–that’s the benefit of public power. Celebrate with us. For a list of events and upcoming contest details visit www.gru.com.
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD
P12
READING
09 Back to School Shopping:
Then and Now 10 Summer Swoon: What To Do With Your Summer Vacation Hook-Up 12 A Guide to Unintentionally Sexy Clothes 14 The Truth Behind Your Friends’ “Awesome” Vacation 16 Reality Woes and the Emotional Benefit of Gaming 22 Frank the Cab Driver 30 When is Too Much Too Much?
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P66
P10 P81
34 Gator Bait! 43 Seniors vs. Freshman
P82
52 The Most Pointless Games Ever 69 An Essay By an NYU Applicant 81 She’s Just Not That Into You 82 Easy Tips for Being Green 84 The Levels of
Douchebaggery 85 Left Handers Living in a Right Handers World 94 Odd Bodily Functions Explained
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee’s head and 2 larger ones in front.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
P34
15 College Textbooks 20 Madlibs: Your Very Own Politcal Speech 38 Autocorrect Fails
P60
42 CT’s Certified Roommate Contract 44 Congratulations: Bad Parallel Parker Award 46
Beauty Products 54 Gainesville Restaurant Guide 60 Backpack Review 64 Spot the Difference 66 Gadgets 68 The Monthly Spoof 70 Humorscopes 86 Flicks 92 Uninspirational
P09
P52
P46
Totally useless fact: If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER A Swansong of Sorts! With fall semester looming, the time has come to cash in on those last-minute summer jaunts. Hit the beach, line the theme parks, or just drive somewhere, anywhere, while you still can, because the days are numbered and the proverbial road ahead is long and binding. That being said, fall semester isn’t all doom and gloom. There will still be the typical slew of Gainesville festivities to partake, and, of course, Campus Talk to distract you from the many stresses of college. This month, we dig into some ways to drop that summer fling that seems to cling a little longer than expected, a time warp on back to
school shopping and an introspective on stress and the benefits of gaming, all in an effort to get you ready and prepared to be the responsible, burgeoning adults that we all aspire to be!
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!!
But, it is still summer, so screw adulthood for the time being! Remember, a hangover is only as bad as the next morning’s Bloody Mary, so get yourselves together and get back out there!
You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: America’s first “Air Force” was equipped with five hot-air balloons and 50 servicemen.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE TEN YEARS MAKES
Back-to-School by Brian Hodges
Shopping: Then and Now Back-to-school shopping is the best. Replenish your wardrobe, try out a new hairstyle, and load up on gadgets, all on mom and dad’s dime? Yes please. Of course, school shopping at age nine was quite a different experience than nineteen. Ten years ago, your mom picked out all your clothes and sent you to school looking like a retard. Today… well, you still look like a retard, but at least you had a say in the matter. So what else has changed in back-to-school “must haves” for the “you” of today compared to the “you” of back then?
AGE 9: Textbook covers Wrapping heavy paper around your books allowed you to draw wizards, naughty words and “Avril Lavigne 4Eva!!!!” all over school property without getting sent to the principal’s office. AGE 19: Textbooks (period) Draw whatever you want Sk8r Boi, because that’s your property now. Oh sure, the bookstore swears they’ll buy those books back at the end of the semester, but come December, even the Dean of Students will tell you that Econ 101 doorstop is yours to own 4Eva!!!! AGE 9: Number 2 pencils and giant erasers Few things were as satisfying as grinding those Number 2’s to a fine lethal point on the classroom pencil sharpener… save for using your massive robot erasers to make war on spelling mistakes. AGE 19: iPhone with Dragon Dictation app Few things are as satisfying as sleeping through your 8.00am lecture class without missing any notes.
AGE 9: A watch with calculator Long division was a bitch and cheating on your wrist was just plain easier. Besides, who needed math when you were just going to grow up and become a ninja anyway? AGE 19: A plagiarized term paper Chaucer is a bitch and Spark Notes doesn’t make Canterbury any easier. Besides, who wants to research theme and motif when you’re just going to keep working at The Gap after graduation anyway? AGE 9: A Harry Potter lunchbox with matching thermos Let’s be honest. This wasn’t about transporting a meal. It was all about putting forth an image. No way were you going to be like all the other kids carrying their food in some SpongeBob lunchbox. AGE 19: Skinny jeans and threadbare t-shirts Let’s be honest. This isn’t about fashion. It’s about showing all those other lemmings that you and everyone else at American Apparel are your own person. Sure you paid over a hundred bucks for that ten-year-old SpongeBob shirt, but it’s better than shelling out ten bucks for some mass-produced Harry Potter crap.
AGE 9: Bratz Dolls With their big lips, tiny skirts and tall fishnets, these sassy little dolls were all the rage and you simply had to have one or seven. All you had to do was sneak them past your mom, who was freaked out they’d cause you to dress like a whore. AGE 19: Tiny Skirts and Fishnets Because apparently your mom was right. And hoo-ray for that! AGE 9: The BIG Crayola Box You were guaranteed to always have friends every time those 8-packs with parents who didn’t love them came crawling for Burnt Siena and Flesh Tone. And when the crayon got dull, you just shoved it into the built-in sharpener and said, “Suck it, Midnight Blue!” AGE 19: Macbook Pro with Mountain Lion You are guaranteed to always have hipsters in your room. Friends, not so much. Because as fascinating as it is to listen to you drone on and on about the new Dashboard and Apple TV broadcast features, those PC’s with parents who didn’t love them find it dull when you keep exclaiming, “Suck it, Microsoft!” Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianHodges
Totally useless fact: Like the character he wrote about in Misery, both of Stephen King’s legs were broken in a 1999 accident.
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IT’S BEEN FUN… BUT SEE YA!
Summer By Ami Gavarian
Swoon
Summer’s ending, school’s about to be back in session and you’re stuck on what to do about your wild n’ crazy summer fling. Does she live close enough to keep this going? Was he just in it for the fun? Would she even want something more after vacation ends? These are all questions you’ve probably mulled over. Let us guide you through the muck…
What To Do With Your Up kSummer Vacation Hoo
If You Met At The Beginning Of Summer… …and you’ve stayed together the entire break, chances are you have feelings for each other. Either that, or you’re both too lame to find anyone else who would sleep with you. In any event, you have two viable options: call it a day and head your separate ways or see how much longer you can stretch this thing out. If you go to the same school, the decision becomes much easier. In the more likely event that you attend different universities, go with this rule of thumb: if your hook-up likes sex half as much as you do, don’t trust them to stay faithful when you’re apart. And in the event that your hook-up is still in high school, well, shame on you, pervert. 10
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If You Met In The Middle Of Summer … …then you’re probably in that awkward phase of “Is this just a continuous fling or is this the start of something more?” You don’t want to come off too strong, so play it cool if you choose to suggest keeping the flame a-burning. Anything too forward will probably be deemed as clingy and obsessive. That’s why you need to perfect a move in bed that guarantees you an extension on your, um, thesis, if you should so choose to go that route with your lovahhh. If your feelings are already starting to cool for your hook-up, the end of summer is the perfect excuse - I mean, logical reason - to end it now.
If You Met At The End Of Summer… …run for the hills with your sanity and singleness still in tact! Just kidding… or are we? Truth be told, it’s called a summer fling for a reason. If you just started gettin’ it on with this person, count your lucky stars and consider it a gift – no-strings summer sex! If, for some reason, you’re the lovey-dovey, sentimental type who likes to read epic tales of romance for fun, you’ll find some way to make this last. Well, all the best to ya, but be warned! Your hook-up may half-heartedly buy into this continued romance, ultimately cheating on you with half a dorm floor back at school then dumping you after you see the video online. Don’t say you didn’t see it coming…
Totally useless fact: There are 2,000,000 different combinations of sandwiches that can be created from a Subway menu.
When it’s time to move out of the dorms,
be sure to check out CollegeRentals.com
THAT’S HOT?!?!
A Guide to By Brian Hodges
Unintentionally
Sexy Clothes If it were up to us guys, you women would be strutting around 24/7 in some combination of high heels, fishnets and the tightest, most cleavage-baring top we could find. Actually, that’s a bit misleading. If it were up to us, you’d probably just be naked all day long. But when it comes to wardrobe, outwardly sexy clothes aren’t the only things that catch our eye. Sometimes the most simple, comfortable or utilitarian fashion choices have the unintentional side-effect of being rather sexy. So, when you’ve grown tired of sucking it in and hooching it up for slobbering dopes like us, give these more subtly sexy styles a try.
FLIP FLOPS
GLASSES
Why They’re Sexy: A guy doesn’t need a full-blown foot fetish to appreciate the look of dainty feet with sparkly pink nail polish. You’re just lounging around feeling calm, cool and comfortable. We, on the other hand, are checking out that pedicure and seriously wondering if we could turn a foot massage into something more.
Why They’re Sexy: Lisa Loeb started it in the mid-90s. Tina Fey brought it mainstream. Then Sarah Palin used her specs to turn on an entire voting base. It’s a cliché, but glasses indicate intelligence, and smart, good-looking women are always sexier than hot doorknobs.
You like them because they keep your feet cool, are easy to slip on and off and don’t crush your toes into a mangled clump. We like them because they draw attention to a sexy-but-underappreciated part of your anatomy.
Where They Can Fail:
Don’t go showing off anything you haven’t taken care of. Chips in the nail polish we’ll overlook, but if there’s a toe fungus situation, you’re better off in tennis shoes.
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You put them on begrudgingly – and swear you’re getting laser eye surgery – whenever your contacts get annoying. You have no idea that, despite what high-school movies might have you think, those glasses are pretty damn hot.
Where They Can Fail: Glasses
work best on women who are already put together, fashionably speaking. But while they can provide a sexy accent to that little red dress, beware… the four-eyed look will only make frumpy sweats look frumpier.
Totally useless fact: The human eyes never grow, but the nose and ears never stop growing.
THAT’S HOT?!?!
MAN’S SHIRT
It could be the bulky Detroit Red Wings jersey you stole from your dad or the oversized buttondown you stole from your ex. You like it because it’s big and cozy. But you have no idea how freakin’ sexy that jumbo shirt makes you look. Why It’s Sexy: Far from making you frumpy, a man’s shirt makes us picture you wearing one of our shirts… with the obvious implication that you’d gotten undressed in our apartment beforehand. Worn with a pair of shorts or panties, it gives the added illusion that you’re naked from the waist down. We always appreciate that…
Overuse can backfire by making us forget that you actually have curves underneath all that fabric.
Where It Can Fail:
WORKOUT PANTS You can wear them to the gym, to bed, to that early morning class… pretty much anywhere since they’re so loose and comfortable. We don’t mind because, honestly, they kinda turn us on.
Why They’re Sexy: Sweatpants engineering
has come a long way in the last decade, with fabric that is non-constricting yet clings to your curves in just the right way. You look playful, you look sporty and we can’t help but think: if she looks that good in sweats, how amazing must she look all dolled up?!?!
Where They Can Fail: Unlike jeans,
that soft, thin fabric tends to magnify the flaws of a big lumpy backside.
CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM
No list of unintentionally sexy clothing would be complete without this one. Few things make us want to break a vow of chastity quite like your choice of Catholic attire… even if the only choice you had in the matter was “blazer on or off.” Why It’s Sexy: It’s the Madonna complex come to life… with knee socks. Sister Mary Frances, don’t forget the knee socks! Where It Can Fail: This one is hard to pull off without looking like you’re trying too hard. But good Lord, save that jumper and wooden ruler for Halloween!
Totally useless fact: There are 1 million ants for every human in the world.
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I KNOW WHAT YOU *REALLY* DID LAST SUMMER by Brian Hodges
The TRUTH
Behind Your Friends’ “Awesome” Vacation Summer is drawing to a close and what do you have to show for it? A patchy sunburn and slightly heavier bank account? Whenever you hear about the wild adventures, amazing jobs and hot summer romances your friends experienced between May and September, it’s hard to feel good about your own lame break. But seriously, their summer was just as dull and boring as yours. You just have to read between the lines. “I did everything I could to fight global warming.” TRANSLATION: I wrecked my car the second day home.
“I helped fight poverty in the Third World.” TRANSLATION: I bought a t-shirt from some kid who accosted me in Cozumel. “I finally lost my virginity.” TRANSLATION: I got a urinary tract infection the next day. “I had sex in a canoe.” TRANSLATION: It was in my psycho ex’s garage at the time.
“I went to opening night of every movie that came out this summer.” TRANSLATION: I went to opening night of every movie that came out this summer alone.
“I had sex with a celebrity.” TRANSLATION: The Situation called me a grenade.
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“I rented a beach house.” TRANSLATION: I played shuffleboard at my grandparents’ timeshare.
“I had sex on the beach.” TRANSLATION: I got a urinary tract infection the next day. “I won the hot bod contest at some bar.” TRANSLATION: The DJ said I was pretty and offered me coke.
“I started work on my novel.” TRANSLATION: I blogged a lot.
“I fell in love.” TRANSLATION: … with Christian Grey.
“I made awesome contacts at my summer internship.” TRANSLATION: The clerk in the mailroom gave me his number.
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“A got a ton of experience working for a high power executive.” TRANSLATION: I answered phones at my dad’s company.
“I built houses for the poor.” TRANSLATION: I helped Frank the Cab Driver patch the hole in his wall.
“I really cemented the bond I’ve always had with my BFF.” TRANSLATION: I went to the drugstore to pick up her UTI prescription.
“I traveled abroad.” TRANSLATION: I crossed into Canada to buy beer.
“I had sex on a dock by the lake.” TRANSLATION: I took horrible advantage of my position as camp counselor.
“I got a job as Lady Gaga’s assistant.” TRANSLATION: I interned at a record company, checking fan mail for Anthrax.
“I sampled all sorts of exotic foods.” TRANSLATION: Someone dared me to eat a bee.
“I got drunk almost every night.” TRANSLATION: I live in a very small town.
“I went on a retreat and had a major life-changing epiphany.” TRANSLATION: I suddenly realized my major has no real world earning potential.
“I spent the summer standing up for gay rights.” TRANSLATION: I posted a bunch of links to Facebook.
“I took part in an intensive six-week study for my major.” TRANSLATION: I had to go to summer school.
You learned an important lesson this summer: in the real world, summer is just like any other season. It’s just hotter and the movies have more explosions. So if you managed to get out partying at all, go swimming more than twice, and score even a kiss from some hot young thing at the bar, I guarantee you’ve already had a better summer than most of your friends. And you managed to turn a profit from that boring job? Dude, seriously, you killed it this summer! Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianHodges
“I finally learned the true meaning of friendship.” TRANSLATION: My cat died.
“I earned mad tips as a waitress.” TRANSLATION: I refilled water at the country club while balding middle-aged guys checked out my cleavage.
Totally useless fact: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
BIG BUCKS FOR BORING BOOKS!
POSSIBILITY OF EVENT HAPPENING
College Textbooks
100% 75% 50% 25% 0%
Old book will be used in class by professor
New book will be published each semester
Professor will bitch about new book but require it anyway
Professor will never even mention new book in class but require it on syllabus
New book will be EXACTLY the same as old book, minus new cover picture
Event Totally useless fact: The U.S. bought Alaska from Russia for two cents an acre.
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Reasons We Have Video Games By Daniel Sutphin
Reality Woes and the Emotional
Benefit of Gaming Everyone has problems and yours aren’t any more crucial to the world than that of anyone else’s. So next time you feel the need to force your messed up issues upon a random stranger, or, I don’t know, perhaps steal a truck, ram it into a parked car and drive away, maybe take a deep breath and think about not being an idiot for once in your life. There are plenty of violent, rage-induced games to choose from and they all serve as a wonderful, jail-free release of emotions.
Should one feel so inclined to exact their pent-up frustration and rage on a complete stranger, it’s important to remember that there is an outlet for such release: video games! For Hangovers Red Dead Redemption and/or Grand Theft Auto. Sure there hasn’t been a new one on the shelves recently, but Rockstar Games did release a new Red Dead in 2011, complete with an ‘undead’ version enabling players to beat the non-living crap out of zombies. Both games offer players a chance to either follow the story (should the hangover only be a headache) or to just randomly inflict mayhem upon the city and everything in it (should the hangover be one of those ‘I can’t get off the couch’ days). For Hatred of Mankind Obviously, for feelings such as these, Call of Duty is the way to go! Details of this game are pretty much unnecessary at this point due to its popularity. Between the Black Ops and Modern Warfare versions, Activision has you covered when it comes to an all out blind hatred of everyone and everything. Plus Call of Duty: Black Ops II releases in fall 2012!
For Break-ups The God of War Franchise is a relentless melee of destruction, death and brutality. If your relationship is on the fritz and you need to break things, unload as Kratos on his journey for freedom, redemption and the clarity to avenge his family while inflicting bloody fury on all who cross him. There is not a moment that goes by where there isn’t something or someone to break or kill. Plus, there’s a new one, God of War: Ascension, coming out in the spring of 2013! 16
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For Road Rage This one is easy. Hands down, Twisted Metal is your pursuit to combat the daily anxiety and stress that is road rage. Sony recently released a new version of the game too! The new release maintains its original demolition derby action featuring unhinged car combat destruction and action movie mayhem. The majority of the characters return to battle it out in this last man standing realm of death! The game contains single player story mode, as well as multiplayer and online modes so you can destroy your friends or just random strangers online and not in real life!
For All-Around ‘My Life Sucks’ Moments With a seemingly endless amount of storylines and gameplay, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim provides a complete escape from all things reality. Skyrim reimagines the open-world fantasy epic, pushing the game play and technology of a virtual world to new heights. Players can choose any type of character and do whatever they want in the game whether that entails wandering the massive landscape, following the many storylines, battling dragons or just killing what surrounds you. If reality is crapping all of you from every direction, look to Skyrim, it will completely consume your entire sense of being! It also serves as a great substitute for those long breaks between Game of Thrones seasons!
Totally useless fact: The Eiffel Tower in Paris, France leans slightly toward the shade on sunny days.
y p o c a b Gra
! y a d to
CHARTED
REASONS WHY I HAVE A BEARD
MY ABILITY TO TALK TO GIRLS
BECAUSE I CAN
IT LOOKS GOOD ON ME
MY ABILITY TO TALK TO A GIRL IT KEEPS MY FACE WARM
SHAVING SUCKS
HOW MUCH I LIKE THE GIRL
HOW MUCH TEENAGERS CARE ABOUT POLITICS
ANY REGULAR TIME
VEGETABLES I ENJOY EATING
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
PIZZA THE SECOND THE INTERNET IS THREATENED
Totally useless fact: President Grover Cleveland’s first name is Stephen. Grover is his middle name.
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HIT EVERY TALKING POINT
Madlibs: by Brian Hodges
Your Very Own
Political Speech M
Y fellow
, it gives me great (VERB) with you today from (ADJECTIVE) histor ical significance. As you kno a w, (FOUR DIGIT NUMBER) , the battle of (FEATURE OF LANDSCAP (LAST NAME) E) was fought, brin ging the (FAMOUS WAR) to a (ADJECTIVE) conclu sion. My RELATIVE) was a sol dier in that battle. He wa (ANCESTRAL s an immigrant from (FOREIGN COUNTRY) wh o arrived in this country under the belief that any thing was (ADJECTIVE). He wo rked for (NUMBER) years as (BLUE COLLAR OCCUPATIO a N), eventually ach ieving the (ADJECTIVE) status of (WHITE COLLAR OCCUP ATION). Even afte r losing his (BODY PART) during a tragic never lost hope in a (NOUN) explosion , he (ADJECTIVE ENDING IN you with that same messa “ER”) America. Tod ay, I come to ge of (CONCEPT ENDING IN “ISM ”). (PERTINENT POLITICAL ISSUE) is one of the greatest issues facing our (PLURAL NOUN) tod ay. I recently spoke with LAST NAME), who, at the age of (FIRST AND (NUMBER), develo (DISEASE) of the ped (BODY PART). Her afford to buy (FAMILY MEMBER) cou ldn’t (NOUN). That is wh y, if elected POSITION), I promis e to make Universal (JOB bring our (NOUN) a reality. I promise to (PLURAL NOUN) hom e from promise to make sure our (FOREIGN COUNTRY). I (NOUN) will never be destroyed by Global (VERB ENDING IN “ING ”). Because as once said, “Those who refu (FAMOUS DEAD PERSON) se to learn from (NOUN) are destine (VERB) it.” d to My name is (YOUR NAME), and I approve this (NOUN). site of such in the year
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(EMOTION)
(PLURAL NATIONALITY )
to
Totally useless fact: In every episode of “Seinfeld,” there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.
hahahaha
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to light a campfire?
Remember
send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, “What’s your pleasure?”
One night, this guy comes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”
“What’s the matter,” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.” The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you,” asked the bartender. “Yeah, except today is the last night.”
A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. “Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?” “Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can’t do anything. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Totally useless fact: The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
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frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Hey Frank,
Franky poo,
Lower your standards? Stop referring to it as “nailing”?
If by “kinda slept with somebody” you mean “cheated on my boyfriend” and if by “area code rule” you mean “fake numbering the guy so your boyfriend never finds out”, then yes.
My goal this school year is to nail at least one new chick every month. Any tips for making that happen? Dustin
FRANK THOUGHTS: The literal imagery from which “nailing” derives is rather disturbing when you really stop and think about it.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
myc am
pustal
k .co m
I kinda slept with somebody while I was home for summer. Does the area code rule really apply in these situations? Sarai
FRANK FACT: Frank obeys the Zip Code rule: “Never date within your zone. If the mailman can walk to your house unannounced, so can she.”
oh hai Frank,
I think I realized over the summer I don’t like my major. But the thought of starting over again as a senior is nauseating. Should I just push forward with a major I don’t even want to work in? Morris With the exception of a few very specific career paths, mostly involving the medical and insider trading fields, whatever crap thing you majored in you’re probably not going to get a job in. The degree alone should get you in on the bottom floor of getting coffee for the people you really want to work for. That’s about as well as any of you are going to do anyway. So suck it up and just graduate. FRANK FACT: Frank’s major was Post-Modern Feminism with an emphasis on the Indonesian Suffrage March of 1905. He drives a cab.
Frank,
Toward the end of last semester, my girl started sleeping in my room almost every night. We were getting ready to leave for summer, so I went along with it. But how do I get across that some nights she just need to sleep at her place? Carlos Ah the classic girlfriend sidle. We don’t know how they do it, but eventually they always manage to invite themselves to stay. There’s no easy way out of this my friend, because clearly if you don’t want her there every night it means you don’t love her on those nights and that makes us wonder about how committed you really are to this whole thing and so… DO YOU SEE WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN? Get out! Get out now! Learn from my experience. She’ll never leave if you let her in, so get out!!!! FRANK THOUGHTS: “Think how much we’d save on utilities,” always sounds perfectly reasonable in the moment.
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Totally useless fact: Charlie Brown’s father was a barber.
frank! Dearest Frank,
Where has romance gone? I know you seem a like funny guy to be asking this. But come on, you come from a more chivalrous time when men were actually gentlemen and treated ladies like ladies. How can you get the BOYS of my generation to learn a thing or two from the men in your era? Meredith Wait, how the f*** old do all you pissants think I AM? I’m old enough to remember Elvis, not Humphrey frickin Bogart, you turds. As to your question, don’t forget, a lot of that overly chivalrous stuff stemmed out of the attitude that women were pretty much helpless without a man to take care of her. So us not giving up seats on the bus is apparently a byproduct of suffrage rights or something. FRANK FACT: Sometimes it really is as simple as opening a goddamn door, fellas.
Dear Frank,
I smoke. I know it’s bad for you, but I like it. But holy hell every goody-goody around feels they have the right to mock me for it. How do I avoid being ostracized as a smoker. Simon I don’t know when this trend started either. I just know that on any given night I used to be able to reliably bum smokes outside all the college joints in town. These days? It’s like your entire generation suddenly started chewing gum! The only solution to your problem is to be cool. No I mean literally, you need to be a frickin rockstar so people see how cool smoking is again. So get on that. I’m old enough (apparently) that people just give me a pass. FRANK FACT: Frank will always let any college student bum a smoke. It’s like free entertainment watching them realize Winstons taste like motor oil.
Hola Frank,
Who told like every guy in college that Axe body spray in any way smells good? Alison
Frank,
Seriously what is up with all the hipsters? Who told them they’re cool? Can you please just tell them that the Beatniks did it first and did it way better. Move along please and buy a pair of jeans that fit. Marcie You know, I really would like to jump on the hipster-bashing bandwagon, but I secretly think those bearded lovers of irony might actually be as cool as they think they are. It’s just a feeling I have. And did you really ask me to comment on the Beatniks? Seriously, how old do you people think I am? FRANK FACT: Frank’s twenties were less Beatnik and more Pumping Gas in New Jersey for Beer Money.
Frank,
I see on your twitter that you’re an Android user, not an iPhone. THANK YOU for not feeding into more stupid Mac culture. I’m so sick of these Apple geeks constantly saying, “Oh you have to get a Mac, you have to get an iPad.” No I don’t! And now I have Frank to prove it. Jeremy Um… I really don’t know what any of that meant. Campus Talk asked me to tweet. I said I needed an actual keyboard. That’s what they gave me. That’s as far as my decision making in the process went. But I’m glad it’s making you feel better about this little counter culture thing you seem to have going on. FRANK THOUGHT: Bacon.
k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal myc am fran
Every goddamn girl who gets into my cab on a Saturday night, that’s who! FRANK FACT: Frank blasts the air conditioning for 10 minutes at the end of every shift just to get that smell out of his cab.
Frank!
Is there anything more glorious than bacon? Ryan Yes. Bacon in the shape of the Virgin Mary, which we could sell to somebody on eBay to buy more bacon. FRANK THOUGHT: Bacon.
Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 24
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Totally useless fact: Almonds are members of the peach family.
T S U AUG
play with yourself
GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: There is one strand of corn silk for each kernel on an ear of corn.
campus talk
rs are answe page 79 on
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play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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Totally useless fact: In 1950, Zenith created the first TV remote control called “Lazy Bones.”
T S U G AU
you sooooo cheated
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: Your foot is the same size as the distance between your wrist and elbow.
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!
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Totally useless fact: Connecticut and Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment: Prohibition.
Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
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WHOA NELLY, SLOW DOWN!
WHEN IS By Stephanie Anderson
TOO MUCH
TOO MUCH? Do you ever feel like sometimes you take things just a little too far? Kissing boys can be fun, but kissing four random dudes in one night can be a little extreme (not that I would know from personal experience, of course). College should be the time for experimenting, discovering your limits and realizing your potential. If you’re experimenting with the homeless dude on your block, discovering your limits after you’ve landed in jail or realizing your potential regarding how many times you can get kicked out of the same bar… you might be doing too much.
Not Enough: Wearing flipflops downtown Just Right: Wearing classy heels that match your dress. Too Much: Wearing your 12-inch stilettos that poke holes in the sidewalk around campus. 30
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Not Enough: Politely clapping for your team. Just Right: Screaming obscenities at the referees and joining in on the wave. Too Much: Jumping out of your seat and attacking the opposing fans next to you.
august 2012
Not Enough: Hope he calls your friend and asks for your number. Just Right: Send him a Facebook message with your number attached. Too Much: Scribble your number on his forehead in permanent marker… while he’s sober.
Not Enough: Explaining to your girls, in detail, about the wild night you just had. Just Right: Texting everyone to tell them that you’re alive in the morning. Too Much: Telling yourself (and everyone else) “I was drunk so… it technically never happened,” every morning when you wake up.
Not Enough: Feeling tired on the dance floor. Just Right: Passing out on the car ride home. Too Much: Thinking you’re in bed, but the pillows feel strangely like the bathroom floor.
Not Enough: Milking your Natty. Just Right: Dominating the beer pong table. Too Much: Backing up the keg-line because you need to do just one more keg stand.
Totally useless fact: Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Dell recommends Windows® 7.
What will you buy with your $200 Dell promo eGift card?* Student only offer: Want an Xbox® 360? Digital camera? Skull Candy headphones? When you spend $699 or more on select Dell PCs we'll send you a $200 Dell promo eGift card* to use towards whatever you want.
Not Enough: Never seeing him except for those 2 a.m. booty calls. Just Right: Making him take you out for a romantic dinner. Too Much: Making out with his best friend to get some attention from him.
Not Enough: Sending drunk emails. Just Right: Text “have a good night” to a couple of the boys you’re talking to. Too Much: Calling your ex’s mom at 1 a.m. to complain about the horrible things he did to you… even though you still think it was the best sex you’ve ever had.
Not Enough Making it to the bathroom inside. Just Right: Squatting behind a dumpster. Too Much: You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it.
Not Enough Saying “hi” to a friend across the room. Just Right: Quick kisses on both cheeks. Too Much: Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
Not Enough: Going home alone. Just Right: Calling up your friend with benefits for a random hook-up. Too Much: Going to the bathroom and realizing you’re not the only one calling James for a good night. Not Enough Avoiding eye contact with everyone but the girls you came with. Just Right: Winking at some boy across the bar. Too Much: Drinking so much that you think your eyes being halfclosed look exotically sexy and that’s why he keeps staring at you.
NEW Dell™ XPS™ 13 Ultrabook™
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Important details: All orders are subject to approval and acceptance by Dell. Offers subject to change, not combinable with all other offers. Taxes, shipping, handling and other fees apply. Valid for U.S. Dell University new purchases only. Availability of electronics and accessories varies and quantities may be limited. Dell reserves right to cancel orders arising from pricing or other errors. * Promotional Gift Card Offer: Offer contingent upon purchase of eligible product; Promotional card not valid if eligible product is returned for a refund. If eligible product is returned for a refund after the card has been redeemed, the value of the redeemed card will be deducted from the refund amount. Promotional Gift Card ships separately from purchase and typically arrives in 10-14 days via email and carries a 90 day expiration (except where prohibited by law). Terms and conditions apply. See www.dell.com/giftcard/ promoterms. Trademarks and copyrights: Intel, Core, the Intel logo, and Ultrabook are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S. and/or other countries. Microsoft, Xbox and Windows are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
Totally useless fact: Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.
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yummy!
GatorBait! Wait a minute, that’s US!
It’s All About Location
Since the alligator is so fond of fresh water habitats, you are more likely to see them scattered across Florida (i.e. Lake Alice). In fact, where there’s water, there may be a gator. Where there are kegs, there may be Gators too, but that’s a different species altogether.
Well, not just us. However, if you get close enough, alligators have no problem grabbing hold and twisting our curious little bodies all the way to the river’s bottom. Let’s broaden our minds and learn a little more about the Crocodilia Alligatoridae – what they eat, how they’re different from crocs and how they get all that blue face paint off after football games.
There is not a large croc contingency in Florida, but they can be found on the extreme Southern tip of the state. They are a more isolated bunch, preferring coastal regions where salt water and Hurricane fans are plentiful.
Tell a Croc from a Gator If either one is chasing you, you’re screwed.
Skin Color
When faced with one of these reptiles, a quick determination of species is by the epidermal region (that’s scientific jargon for skin). If the skin color is more of a blackish color, then you got yourself a gator – go Gators. If it’s an olive-greenish hue you are witnessing, then it’s a croc indeed. Granted, if you are wandering around Lake Alice and see a croc, then you have one lost reptile. Albino gator
Jaw Shape
There is a distinct difference between the two species here. The alligator has a U-shaped snout, while crocs have more of a V-shape. This means that the alligator comes first in the reptile alphabet. The advantage of the U shape is power. Since gators enjoy a nice tasty turtle now and again, the jaws have crushing power strong enough to crack the shell and enjoy the terrified turtle meat underneath.
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Totally useless fact: During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.
yummy! Miscellaneous Gateroids Facts and myths – Which are which?
1) A poisonous snakebite does not affect an alligator. 2) The best meat is in the tail, but all alligator meat is edible. 3) The largest alligator caught and measured was over 25 feet. 4) Alligators are slow moving creatures out of water.
The Indian Mugger!
Exception to the rule There is a big bugger croc that can be found in India and Pakistan that has some of the attributes of an alligator. Meet the Mugger
Crocodile, which has the broader, U-shaped jaws of a gator. The mugger is a big fan of fish but is not shy when it comes to larger mammals that wander too close to the water. Once Bambi decides to get
a cool drink, the mugger waits underwater, then strikes and drags the helpless animal down to the lake’s bottom. The mugger has been known to attack humans as well.
Dinner Time!
Teeth
The upper jaw of an alligator is wider than the lower one, thus covering the bottom row of teeth. Croc’s teeth interlock, however, the croc’s fourth tooth on the bottom row sticks out and is clear to see. There is a depression in the upper jaw to help put that monster tooth away when the croc closes his jaws completely.
Ring the bell kids, it’s time for invertebrates!
Alligators are not picky when it comes to choosing their dinner. Turtles and fish make nice snacks, but a deer makes for a Thanksgiving feast. When seizing larger prey from the water’s edge, alligators shake the food to tiny, more manageable pieces. If the prey is even larger than that, you might witness a “death roll,” where the gator spins to tear off smaller chunks of flesh.
What’s on the Menu?
• Turtles – They’re slow but challenging.
Much like a stubborn pistachio, the shell offers brief protection, until the jaws of death take their toll.
• Snails – The gator escargot is a quaint
little snack that offers no resistance and is fun to eat. Call it the reptile Cheeto.
• Birds – This is an entertaining game for
gators. Birds need water, and when they come down to quench their thirst, gators pop out and nab them. Feathers everywhere, it’s quite messy.
30 mph, which is faster than a Yugo.
2) Fact – but I’d like to see you catch one. 3) Myth – not quite - 19 feet, two inches. 4) Myth – they are quite fast with short bursts of up to as we do – Motley Crue, too.
1) Myth – alligators hate poison just as much
Answers:
Totally useless fact: There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.
• Anything that’s thirsty –
Careful there mammals, that oasis of water you see could be the hunting ground of a10 foot, 40-year-old dinosaur descendant that didn’t have its fair share of snails and turtles today.
• Bulldogs – They’re small, they’re
annoying, and Gators always seem to get the best of them. Go figure.
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Shop online: www.NS4L.com
#1 Supplier to UF students! www.gatorbucks.com
3830 SW Archer Rd (352) 377-2820
Come In. Live Well.
WITH PURCHASE OF ANY ENTREE. DINE IN, MON–THURS ONLY. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFERS. 1 PER TABLE PER VISIT PLEASE. EXPIRES 01/15/13
a Jeff Cardozo tee shot from the airport.
2100 NE 39th Ave
334-3120
CALL FOR YOUR TEE TIME
Brand new tees and greens!
BabyBlossom orFriedPickles
FEATURE
www.gatorbucks.com
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Butler Plaza (By Target) 3914 SW Archer Rd. Gainesville, Fl 32608 352-377-6020
Vitamins, Diet, Herbs, Sports Nutrition www.gatorbucks.com
Archer Rd
FREE C-4 ENERGY DRINK
Only at Butler plaza GNC. Expires 01/15/13
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30% OFF price of Gold Card
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Not valid with Gold Card or any other offer. Expires 01/15/13
E BUCKET OF RAN
PON TO GET FRE
2100 NE 39th Ave 334-3120
EXPIRES: 01/15/13
1728A W. University Ave. (Next to Gator City) (352) 367-4600
PIZZA BY THE SLICE
EXPIRES 01/15/13
LOCATED ONLY A JEFF CARDOZO TEE SHOT FROM THE AIRPORT
SLICE OF CHEESE PIZZA
www.gatorbucks.com
(NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON, OFFER, OR DISCOUNT. NOT VALID ON HOME FOOTBALL GAME DAYS. ONE PER PERSON.)
W/ PURCHASE OF ANY SLICE OF PIZZA AND A LARGE DRINK
FREE
www.gatorbucks.com
MUST HAVE COU
VALID
E BA LL S CK ET OF RA NG AN D A FR EE BU SUN INCLUDES CA RTANYTIME MON–THURS AND AFTER 11AM ON FRI– GE BALLS
l $32 Student Specia
I-75
3426 SW 35TH BLVD In Butler Plaza (352) 692-1260
www.gatorbucks.com
www.gatorbucks.com
EXPIRES: 01/15/13 ONLINE CODE: LG7
UPQQJOH QJ[[B LG 7
³ -BSHF
ONLINE AT WWW.GATORFIVESTAR.COM
ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON OR OFFER
PURCHASE OF $7.99 WWW.DESIGNERGREENS.NET
3426 SW 35TH BLVD In Butler Plaza (352) 692-1260
NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFER. VALID ONLY AT GAINESVILLE LOCATION.
$1 OFF WITH MINIMUM
www.gatorbucks.com COUPON REQUIRED
W/PURCHASE OF ADULT DRINK
Fresh taste at a great price.â„¢
COME IN AND DINE
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$3
COUPON NOT VALID ON DAY OF HOME FOOTBALL GAMES
SINCE 1983 2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com
SINCE 1983
BUY ONE GET ONE
6'' SUBS ON SUNDAYS
GOOD ON SUNDAYS ONLY.
EXPIRES: 08/15/12
(NOT VALID W/ ANY OTHER COUPON, DISCOUNT, OR OFFER, INCLUDING THE DAILY SPECIAL)
www.gatorbucks.com
2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com
SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK
1728A W. University Ave. (Next to Gator City) (352) 367-4600
PIZZA BY THE SLICE
Summer 3830 SW Archer Rd (352) 377-2820
FREE CUT ST E A K S
.com
EXPIRES: 01/15/13 EXPIRES: 01/15/13 EXPIRES 01/15/13
damnyouautocorrect.com HEADER
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Totally useless fact: Jim Henson said he made the first Kermit out of his mom’s old coat and used Ping-Pong balls for eyes.
damnyouautocorrect.com HEADER
Totally useless fact: Ted Turner won the America’s Cup in 1977 as captain of the Courageous.
campus talk
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39
CHARTED
WHAT MY CATS LIKE TO EAT
FOUNDATION OF ANY RELATIONSHIP
LIKING THE SAME THINGS
MY EARPHONES
DRY CAT FOOD
MY DINNER
HATING THE SAME THING
CANNED CAT FOOd
SWEAR-INDUCING VIDEO GAMES
CONTENTS OF JUSTIN BIEBER LYRICS
AW, AW, AW, AW, AW, AW!
RPGS AWFUL LYRICS SHOOTERS
OH YEAH! BABY
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Totally useless fact: Early basketball rules called for a jump ball to occur after the scoring of each field goal.
Join us in supporting
Saturday, September 29, 2012 Besilu Collection, Micanopy, Florida
Senator Bill Nelson Honorary Chair
Senator Marco Rubio Honorary Chair
Bernie and Chris Machen
Horst and Luisa Ferrero
Event Chairs
Founders
Jon and Kelly Pritchett
Chester and My Weber
Gainesville Co-Chairs
Ocala Co-Chairs
Philip and Sarai Moses Lake City Co-Chairs
Silvia and Benjamin Leon Jr. Event Hosts
Chip and Ashley Greene Jacksonville Co-Chairs
Proceeds benefit the Shands Hospital for Children at the University of Florida
SPONSORSHIPS NOW AVAILABLE Visit www.NochedeGala.org Join Our Growing List of Sponsors
(BJOFTWJMMF 5PEBZ .BHB[JOF t (JHHMF .BHB[JOF t )PNF .BHB[JOF t /PSUI $FOUSBM 'MPSJEB #VTJOFTT 3FQPSU t 0VS 5PXO 'BNJMZ PG .BHB[JOFT t 35* #JPMPHJDT 6' 4IBOET t 5IF 7JMMBHF +PVSOBM t 8IBU T )BQQFOJOH 1VCMJDBUJPOT (BUPS $PVOUSZ t $PMFFO %F(SPGG 3FBMUPS t (PPE -JGF $PNNVOJUZ )FBMUIZ 4UFQT 1FEJBUSJDT t 3FNCFSU 'BNJMZ 'PVOEBUJPO t 836' 4QPSUT 3BEJP $PVOUSZ 5IF (BUPS 'MPSJEB T 86'5 '. +BDLTPO -BZOF 4BTTFS t ,JET %PD 1FEJBUSJDT t %S "SMBO &EJUI 3PTFOCMPPN t 3PVOUSFF .PPSF "VUPNPUJWF (SPVQ t 4VO#FMU .PWJOH $P "RVBUJD 5SBJOJOH *OTUJUVUF t ,FO "OHFMB $PSOFMM t /BODZ & %FDLFS 1PPM $MFBOJOH t 90 #JKPVY
SIGN ON THE DOTTED KEG!
CT’s Certified
Roommate Contract
Living with a complete stranger can be difficult. Unfortunately, for all of you planning on bunking up with a buddy, living with friends can also be difficult. That’s why the first thing you’ll learn about this fabled “real world” is the utter importance of getting everything (and we mean everything) in writing. To help facilitate that, we’ve drawn up a can’t-fail, tried-and-true roomie contract to help settle all disputes before they ever happen. Think of it as a pre-nup, minus the romance and sex… or not.
CT’s ROOMMATE
CONTRACT This contract hereby states that and will cohabitate in a peaceful and respectful manner from the day they move in to the day they move out. After that, they can be jackasses to each other whenever they’d like. Whereas said roommates agree not to steal each other’s significant others, one-night stands, possible hook-ups and/or prostitutes (if applicable). And whereas said roommates agree not to fart in public while other cohabitants and/or their friends and family are present (unless said fart is part of a joke or prank, in which case it is permissible). Moreover, all cohabitants agree to abide by “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
And whereas all cohabitants agree to abide by the “whoever killed it, fills it” rule pertaining to all alcoholic beverages, specifically kegs.
And whereas if one roommate buys a pizza, no other roommate may eat a slice unless given direct permission from said buyer.
And whereas said roommates agree never to wake up before 10 a.m., regardless of whether or not they have an 8:30 a.m. class (or exam, for that matter).
And whereas all roommates agree that if and when The Hangover is playing on TV, no cohabitant may change the channel or ask for the volume to be lowered. This also applies during weeks of midterm and final exams.
And whereas all cohabitants involved in serious relationships will not publicly display affection around any other cohabitants or guests unless said significant other is really, really, really hot.
All signing participants agree to uphold and abide by said rules and regulations. If any individual roommate should fail to meet these requirements, they may be subjected to hours of TPing at the hands of their fellow cohabitants.
(Sign and Date)
(Sign and Date) This contract is certified by Campus Talk and should be notarized by Frank.
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1 drop of blood here
Totally useless fact: No two cornflakes look the same.
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT…
Seniors vs.
Freshmen A World Of Differences Revealed! The differences between seniors and freshmen are more obvious than an aging movie star’s numerous trips to the plastic surgeon. And just like a plasticized face, these glaring disparities must be pointed out and mocked by all. Hey, all’s fair in love and botox…
FRESHMEN SENIORS …enjoy a trip to the grocery store with mom whenever she comes to visit.
…enjoy a beer with mom at the bar whenever she comes to visit.
…walk to class, no matter how far away it is from their dorm.
…skip any class that takes more than five minutes to get to.
…take meticulous notes in class using multi-colored highlighters.
…occasionally stay awake throughout an entire class.
…think two beers and a shot is one hell of an evening.
…think two beers and a shot is part of their daily balanced breakfast.
…call their long-distance lover on the phone every night.
…call Domino’s every night after kicking out their random hookup.
…know an entire encyclopedia’s worth of useless trivia about their college.
…maybe know when and where their next class is… maybe.
…stand in line for hours in order to buy textbooks on the first day of class.
…get around to buying the textbooks about two weeks before finals.
…memorize the course material to get a good grade.
…memorize the teacher’s likes and dislikes to get a good grade.
…are excited to get an education towards their future profession.
…are excited to get to the bar before “beat the clock” ends.
…take classes that interest them.
…take classes with hot coeds who interest them.
Totally useless fact: In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion.
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CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2012
Bad Parallel Parker
I
n recognition of your perseverance to fit your “super extra deluxe” pick-up truck (compensation) into an average sized parking space. Despite blocking traffic and holding up the lives of those so less fortunate to be stuck behind you, you continue to inch backward, then forward, then a little more forward, then backward again, then forward again, only to pull out, stop and try it all over. But you can rest well at night knowing that, however much you may suck at parking, and thus driving, and however much you may be ignorant to the lack of necessity your “super extra deluxe I’m a douche bag” automobile possesses, at least for those lucky enough to witness such a failure, you have unwittingly provided a moment of unity and laughter! presented by signed date
GO BACK TO SCHOOL WITH ONE OF THE FASTEST INTERNET SPEEDS IN AMERICA AS RATED BY PCMAG.COM
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COX HIGH SPEED INTERNET
SM
PLUS GET COX ADVANCED TV ® ® WITH FREE HBO & SHOWTIME
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94 .99
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ENROLL NOW | 877.941.2039 | COX.COM/COLLEGE | COX STORE
*Offer expires 9/30/2012 and is available to residential customers in Cox service areas. $94.99/mo. includes new subscriptions to Cox Advanced TV and Internet Preferred to complete the 2-service bundle. After 3 months, regular rates apply. HBO® and related channels and service marks are the property of Home Box Office, Inc. SHOWTIME is a registered trademark of Showtime Networks Inc., a CBS Company. Both premium channels are $15/mo. total in months 4–6; regular rates thereafter. After promotion period, regular rates apply. See www.cox.com. Prices exclude installation/activation fees, equipment charges, inside wiring fees, add’l outlets, taxes, surcharges and other fees. Not all services and features available everywhere. A credit check and/or deposit may be required. Other restrictions may apply. Cox Starter at a minimum, digital receiver or CableCARD rental, and Digital Gateway required. If you own a One-way Digital Cable Ready (DCR) TV or other display device that is CableCARD™-compatible, you may lease either a CableCARD or a digital set top receiver in order to receive Cox Digital Cable. In order to receive Interactive TV services offered by Cox, such as the Interactive Programming Guide (IPG), On DEMAND, Pay-Per-View, and all digital programming options, you must rent a digital receiver. If you wish to rent a CableCARD in lieu of a digital receiver, you must obtain the CableCARD from Cox. CableCARD is a registered trademark of Cable Television Laboratories, Inc. (CableLabs®) and is used with permission. HD channels require subscription to Cox Advanced TV and service tier with the standard version of the channel. An HD receiver is required to access HD On DEMAND. Some On DEMAND programming costs extra. Cable modem required for Internet services. For best performance, use of Cox-approved cable modem is recommended. Uninterrupted or error-free Internet service, or the speed of your service, is not guaranteed. Actual speeds vary. “Fastest Internet” claim reprinted from www.pcmag.com, August 31, 2011 with permission. © 2011 Ziff Davis, Inc. †Based upon the max download speeds of Cox Ultimate [50] Mbps service v. the fastest DSL speed service in Cox service areas. All rights reserved. Not all services and features available everywhere. A credit check and/or deposit may be required. Offer may not be combined with other offers, discounts or promotions. Other restrictions may apply. © 2012 Cox Communications, Inc. All rights reserved.
Totally useless fact: Vanna White was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as TV’s most frequent clapper.
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late summer beauty
HEAT THINGS UP! Don’t let the end of summer blues keep you from looking your best! Turn up the heat with these hot new products to keep you stylin’ and smooth, so you can be sure to stand out in the crowd!
Glo Bronze in Sunkissed Duo Have the shimmering bronze look you want without the sunburn. This super light bronzer gives the perfect amount of color with an exclusive antioxidant blend. $39.50 gloskincare.com
Eluo Sonic Toothbrush
Miss Treated Shampoo
Whether you’re in between classes or on-the-go for the rest of your day, who doesn’t want that fresh ‘just brushed teeth’ feeling? With the Eluo sonic toothbrush you can easily brush your teeth no matter where you are while keeping the toothbrush in a compact, sleek, mascara-like case. $29.99 Cenoire.com
Give your mistreated hair the treatment it deserves. The formula hydrates and nourishes without drying or stripping away color. $7.95 Kissmyface.com and Whole Foods
Whenever Conditioner
Glo Eye Revitalize
Tired from the weekend and have raccoon eyes? Don’t fret, simply cover and lift using the Glo Eye Revitalize. Made from natural ingredients like cucumber, apply under concealer and fool everyone of your fatigue.
Made from organic products, this conditioner should literally be used whenever! Meant for a daily routine, this conditioner replenishes nutrients and gives your hair a soft and smooth feel. $7.95 Kissmyface.com and Whole Foods
$22.50 gloskincare.com
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Totally useless fact: Butterflies taste with their hind feet.
late summer beauty Elasticizer
Feel as glamorous as a star with this pre-shampoo treatment originally developed for Audrey Hepburn! With visible results after just one application, the Elasticizer gives your hair bounce, shine and elasticity before you even wash it. $47 (150 mL) $25 (75 mL)
Revive Hydration Mist
There’s nothing like a cool mist to revive your summer glow. Use the convenient antioxidant packed Revive Hydration Mist to cool off and freshen up. $18 gloprofessional.com
PhilipKingsley.com
Ultra Keratin Touch Hair Smoothing System
We all know the benefits of the Brazilian Keratin treatment for our hair, but we don’t want to go through the maintenance and cost. Now, with the nuNAAT Ultra Keratin Touch single application kit, gorgeous hair is as simple as shampoo, conditioner and a gloss. $21.99 ultrakeratintouch.com and Walgreens stores nationwide
Twisted Sista Straightening Blow Dry Cream
Never worry about frizzy or damaged looking hair again with Twisted Sista straightening blow dry cream. It’s sulfate free and contains natural products to give your hair the smooth shine it deserves without the harsh chemicals. $4.95–$5.95 twistedsista.com; Walgreens, Walmart and Target stores nationwide
China Glaze Nail Polish in Flirty Tankini Summer heat got you in the mood for a smoothie? Try a shimmery strawberry smoothie pink nail polish to quench your thirst. $7 ChinaGlaze,com; salons nationwide and Sally’s Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide.
China Glaze Nail Polish in Surfin’ For Boys This glistening coral will be all the rage this summer and will keep you looking your bronzed best.
China Glaze Nail Polish in Love’s a Beach Really sizzle in this hot pink color to match with your bright summer wardrobe.
$7 ChinaGlaze,com; salons nationwide and Sally’s Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide.
$7 ChinaGlaze,com; salons nationwide and Sally’s Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide.
Totally useless fact: Only female mosquitoes bite.
China Glaze Nail Polish in Under the Boardwalk Go bold in this bright fluorescent raspberry that really pops. $7 ChinaGlaze,com; salons nationwide and Sally’s Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze Nail Polish in Pink Plumeria Think Pink! This lighter shimmering shade will turn heads with its touch of gold. $7 ChinaGlaze,com; salons nationwide and Sally’s Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
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RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
#1 Two words is my a nswer. In order to keep me , you have to give me. What am I?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
e gs to me. With on in n ea m o tw e ar e Ther rI oken, with the othe I may need to be br my te characteristic is hold on. My favori What am I? charming dimple.
#2
1) Your word, 2) A mirror, 3) A wedding ring (at least it used to), 4) The moon, 5) A tie
me I’m p o r d u If yo but k c a r c sure to smile a give me lways a and I’ll k ac smile b 50
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august 2012
#3
What holds two people together but touches only one?
#4 I’
m white ; I’m ro und, but not always aro und. Sometimes yo u see me , sometimes you don’t . What am I?
Totally useless fact: Uma Thurman’s father was the first American to be ordained a Tibetan Buddhist monk.
hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A husband comes home one night and tells his wife: “I won a million dollars today!” “No way! Are they for real?” They checked the money and concluded that the money was real. “Get your things,” said the man. “Which one of them? My winter clothes or my summer ones?” “All of them!” The enthusiastic woman runs all over the house packing her things and when she’s done she quietly awaits new orders. “And now what?” “Now get lost!”
A rich but spoiled boy fell in love with a girl and showered her with gifts though she didn’t reciprocate his love. Once she was injured and he took her to the hospital, paida the bills and even gave some blood. But the girl fell in love with someone else and when the boy found this out he shouted at her and asked her to give back all the gifts that he had given. The girl agreed and gave him back the gifts. The boy by now was insanely angry and shouted, “Well, how about the other thing that I gave you. How are you going to give me back the blood?” The girl replied nonchalantly, “In monthly installments.”
A man has four items in his bathroom: a razor, a toothbrush, a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337, and a man would not be able to identify most of these items. A guy talks to his friend: “You know, I got really unlucky with both of my wives!” “How so?” “Well the first one ran way with my neighbor!” “And what about the second one?” “She didn’t!!!”
“My uncle is a bishop and everybody calls him ‘Your Holiness’.” “My uncle is an ambassador and everybody calls him ‘Your Excellency’.” “You guys got nothing on me! My uncle is 500 pounds and everybody exclaims ‘Oh My God’ when they see him!”
Totally useless fact: One-fourth of the world’s population lives on less than $200 a year.
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51
LOOOOSERS!
The Most by Brian Hodges
Pointless
Games Ever
COLLEGE
TIC TAC TOE
CATCH
The original pointless game. Seriously, has anyone over the age of ten ever played a round of Tic Tac Toe that didn’t end in a tie? Hollywood Squares upped the competition a tad by taking your X’s and O’s away if you couldn’t answer fairly simple trivia questions. Which was cool, except for the fact that you had to be constantly reminded that D-list celebrities still make more money than you. But let’s be honest, the only person that’s ever not been a complete loser while playing this classic is the five-year-old you babysit. And that’s only because letting him win is easier than dealing with tantrums. 52
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They say it’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game. But when it’s a game nobody ever wins, one has to wonder how “they” expect us to find motivation to play. The fact is a lot of the games we’ve played over the course of our lives are utterly pointless, and yet natural selection has yet to purge them from the gene pool. Or something.
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TAG
There are some games that simply could not exist outside of the very specific timed environment of a schoolyard recess. How else could you have known when the game was over? Because again, there were no winners, save for the alpha bullies who teamed up to keep tagging the nerdy kid. Sitting smugly in his Lexus years later while those same alphas filled it with gas was the only victory that ever came out of this stupid game. And only then just barely. Apparently saying, “Look who’s It now, bitch,” becomes far less satisfying after the age of thirty.
What is it about throwing and catching that appeals to the human psyche so much? And what was it about an overzealous sports dad that made you realize how pointless the whole thing was. My arm is sore, my palm is bruised and I could have been watching Drake & Josh this whole time. By college most guys have repurposed this “game” as a way to show off for hot chicks, usually at the beach. More likely than not though, your diving catch did little to convince that girl in the string bikini that you’re still not a colossal tool. And I think we can all agree, in this day and age, any activity that does nothing to increase likelihood of your getting laid is the very definition of pointless.
FANTASY FOOTBALL
Because apparently sitting in your La-Z-Boy, drinking beer and picking Cheetos out of your belly button while you yell at people that can’t hear you for eight hours every Sunday isn’t awesome enough. Now you’re going to force yourself to keep track of numbers too? Don’t you remember how much you hated that statistics course? Don’t you remember how much you hate the Eagles? Now you and your friends are going to force yourself to look at both of those things week after week all winter? “But Brian,” you say, “The guy with the most points at the end of the season wins money.” To which I answer, “Shut up, this is my column.”
Before you say anything, I want you to at least try and remember what you did last night. If those antics don’t cry “game” then you must have been playing the one with the ping-pong ball a bit too much. “But but but,” you say, “at the end of this, we come away with better job prospects and friends for life.” To which I answer, “You talk to magazines way more than any sane person should.” But seriously, have you read a jobs report lately? Barring a few specific majors, the odds of you landing a career worth the money you sunk into this four-year game of porcelain thrones and textbook hot potato are so miniscule, even a seven-year-old Tic Tac Toe champion wouldn’t sign up to play… even though he will. Don’t worry, he won’t win either.
Totally useless fact: Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father’s Day
Totally useless fact: The word ‘byte’ is a contraction of ‘by eight.’
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food for thought! Arby’s Over the years, Arby’s menu has expanded their menu to points far beyond their classic Roast Beef Sandwich to such items as their market fresh sandwiches, prime-cut chicken sandwiches, subs and salads; not to mention their awesome curly fries. The latest menu add-ons include the new Angus Cool Deli items; a deli-style sandwich and wrap with lean Angus beef and crisp vegetables. If that isn’t enough to beat the heat, they also offer new Oreo Jamocha Shakes. 1405 SW 13TH ST,
352.378.6555; 3960 SW Archer RD STE B, 352.244.0481, arbys.com
Asian Wok & Grill Restaurant Asian Wok & Grill offers a variety of Chinese dishes in three different combo sizes; helpful when in need of a major Chinese food fix. Popular items on the menu are the Sweet and Sour Chicken Lite Combo, which comes with one side, The Bourbon Chicken Combo A, which offers two sides, and the Pepper Steak Combo B, where you can choose two entrées and two sides.
3314 SW 35th Blvd , 352.505.5757, AsianWokGrill.com
Bagel Bakery This locally owned bagel joint makes their bagels fresh everyday. They are never frozen and the bagels from the day before are sold in bags at a discounted price. They serve breakfast and lunch and have a variety of bagels, bagel sandwiches, muffins, signature sandwiches, wraps, salads and soups. One of the more enticing sandwiches is the Broccoli Cheddar melt. It packs delicious veggie cream cheese under fresh steamed broccoli and melted cheddar cheese into two slices of any bagel or on sun-dried tomato Focaccia bread. 4113 NW 16th Blvd, 352.384.9110
Bagels Unlimited With fresh bagels baked daily and a breakfast/ lunch menu with all-day availability, Bagels Unlimited is a quick stop for a tasty, filling meal. The menu ranges from bagel sandwiches, knishes, pancakes and French toast, to melts, sandwiches and burgers. Most notable is there $1 off Philly Saturdays. The Philly Steak sandwich packs the classic grilled Philly steak, onions, peppers, mushrooms and provolone cheese for ingredients. 2124 SW 34th ST, 352.372.7006
Beef o Brady’s An American take on Irish classics, Beef ‘o’ Brady’s offers a full menu of hearty, meat-tastic meals fit for the best of beer-guzzlers and their families. With a variety of wings, burgers, sandwiches and seafood, ‘O’ Brady’s is a perfect atmosphere for catching the big game. Try their classic pub-style cuisine like the Dubliner, an open-faced sandwich stacked high with roast beef, sautéed mushrooms, Swiss cheese, grilled sourdough bread and creamy mashed potatoes, smothered with Guinness Gravy. 6500 SW Archer Rd, 352.271.8085, beefobradys.com
Bento Designed after cafes found in Japan and Taiwan, the Pan-Asian restaurant offers a stylish and friendly atmosphere. The menu features an assortment of Bento Boxes, which consist of wok-style dishes such as Shrimp Tempura and Soy Chili (chicken, shrimp, or tofu), as well as rice and noodle bowls. Their sushi ranges from the classic California Roll to far more intricate rolls, such as the Mt. Fuji Roll. 3832 W
Burger King After the bars close and the kegs are tapped, the drive-thru race begins. Instead of waiting in line at the golden arches for an hour, try checking out Burger King. With their new BK Stacker deals, you can get a low-cost burger for a better-quality taste. They also have a range of chicken sandwiches, as well as new, crispier chicken tenders. And, if you’ve missed the dinner menu cut-off, they provide an awesome array of breakfast sandwiches, platters and bowls.
Designer Greens Instead of bogging yourself down all day with heavy, greasy fast food, try this salad/ sandwich shop. It is only a block away from campus – perfect for in between classes or even a quick study break. The flatbreads range from the classic Cuban to the Turkey Pesto with turkey, bacon, sun-dried tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and pesto spread. If you’re feeling a little more creative, you can design your own salad through these five steps: full or half, type of lettuce, choice of toppings, protein selection, and dressing.
20 NW 16th Ave, 352.376.2295; 3905 SW Archer Rd, 352.372.0031; 6123 NW 8th Ave, 352.331.0494; 9401 NW 39th AVE, 352.336.7383, bk.com
Carrabba’s Italian Grill Using fresh produce, herbs, seafood, meats and pastas, Carrabba’s menu dons a more traditional approach to Italian cooking. It ranges from antipasti and salads, to brick-oven pizzas and a variety of classic and stuffed pastas. With a wood-burning grill, Carrabba’s serves up dishes like their Chicken Bryan, which is a filleted chicken breast topped with goat cheese, sun dried tomatoes and a basil lemon butter sauce; as well as Grilled Norwegian Salmon, a Trout Nocciola and even a Filet Fiorentina, for those of you who just can’t go without beef.
3530 SW Archer Rd, 352.373.3010; 114 SW Fletcher Dr, 352.392.9012, chilis.com |
august 2012
D’lites More than an ice cream shop, D’lites is a dieter’s heaven. They serve low-fat, low-sugar soft serve ice cream in a variety of cups and cones, shakes, sundaes, cakes and bowls; all of which can be topped with a choice of regular, or low-carb toppings. Each store features different flavors of the week like the Turtle Cheesecake and the Blueberry Muffin. While devouring your delicious, guilt-free treat, you can also peruse their many low-sugar and fat free grocery products, such as salad dressings, wheat pastas, chips, cookies and much more. 4216 NW 16th
Blvd (Marketplace), 352.375.4484; 5218 SW 34th St (Williston), 352.378.2969, gatordlites.com
Chili’s With hearty food, friendly service and signature drinks, Chili’s Grill & Bar can satisfy any appetite. Not just a sports bar, Chili’s menu provides an assortment of flavorful dishes, such as their Big Mouth Burgers, Baby Back Ribs, Fajitas and Southwest egg rolls. The “$20 feeds two people” special gets you and a friend an appetizer and two full-size entrees; perfect for dating on a college budget, as well as saving you some cash for Chili’s all-day two-for-one drinks deal!
campus talk
352.692.1260, cicispizza.com
Newberry Rd, Ste 1J, 352.377.8686; 3841 SW Archer Rd #D, 352.224.5123, bentocafesushi.com
3021 SW 34th St, 352.692.0083. carrabbas.com
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Cici’s Pizza The only thing better than freshly baked pizza is ENDLESS, freshly baked pizza. From the classic cheese and pepperoni to the Mac n’ Cheese and BBQ, CiCi’s blends a variety of great ingredients for meat-lovers and veggie-lovers at a great low-price. Guests can also special order their own pizza or choose from a CiCi’s Classic or Signature Creation. 3246 SW 35th Blvd,
1702 W UNIV Ave #E, 352.672.6800, designergreens.net
Domino’s Where would we be without Domino’s Pizza? Between their custom-made pizza, hearty variety of sandwiches, scary, but delicious pasta bowls, wings, tenders and their latest addition, garlic bread pizza, Domino’s is perfect for any time of day; whether it be the cap-off of an adventurous, booze-induced night, or in a sober afternoon of responsible studying.
2106 SW 13th St, 352.373.2337; 3311 W UNIV Ave, 352.377.4992; 25 NW 16th Ave, 352.373.5555; 4620 NW 39th AVE, 352.692.2222; 5750 SW 75th Ct #40, 352.373.8888; Gatordominos.com
El Norteno If you’re craving some traditional Mexican cuisine, El Norteno is the place to go. The prices are low and the portions, well, intimidating, but in a good way. Guests can order from combination platters and house specials, or mix it up with the a la carte menu. How about a classic Chimichanga House Special, deep-fried, cheese-slathered and filled with chicken or shredded beef with a side of beans, rice, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream? And don’t worry, if the food gets too spicy for you, you can always order a Margarita pitcher from their full bar! 2445 SW 13th St, 352.377.4633; 516 NW 75th St, 352.332.5502
Firehouse Subs Not just your typical sub joint, Firehouse steams their meats and cheeses and provides portions that are way beyond your typical sub sandwich. While they do offer cold subs, the ticket to Firehouse lies in their hot specialty subs like the New York Steamer stacked high with corned beef brisket, pastrami, melted provolone, mustard, mayo and Italian dressing. If you’re looking to spice it up a little, Firehouse has revamped their meatball sub and thrown in a few seasonings to create the Sweet & Spicy Meatball sub. 1412 W UNIV Ave, #1, 352.337.2631; 3221 SW 35th Blvd, 352.336.0419; firehousesubs.com
Five Star Pizza No house party or drunken stumble home from downtown is complete without Five Star Pizza. They don’t mess around with your run-of-the-mill-sized pizzas. At their take-out/ delivery joints, they serve large (16 inches) and extra large (18 inches) specialty pizzas for both vegetarians and meat lovers. If pizza’s not enough then try their pepperoni rolls drowned in a savory garlic butter sauce. These rolls may not be a dieter’s best friend, but if you’ve already been drinking all night, then who cares! 210 SW 2nd AVE, 352.375.5600, fivestardowntown.com; 600 NW 75th St #D, 352.333.7979, gatorpizza.com
Flying Biscuit Café Flying Biscuit takes away the guilt of sleeping in, by serving breakfast all day! Besides having some of the best grits in town, they also serve up a variety of breakfast dishes, such as omelets, organic potato pancakes, French toast and even a tofu scramble. Most intriguing of this menu is the pasta, sausage and eggs, which mixes three scrambled eggs with chicken sausage, penne pasta, spinach, mushrooms and cheddar, served with grits. If you’re not craving breakfast, they also have appetizers, salads, sandwiches and dinner entrees. 4150 NW 16th Blvd, 352.373.9500, flyingBiscuit.com
Fuji Hana Japanese Steakhouse This Japanese-style steakhouse prepares your meals tableside in the effort to provide a dining experience that pleases the palate, as well as being visually stimulating and entertaining. Fuji Hana has a sushi bar with large selections of sushi, a dine-in section for you and family and a hibachi section where meals are prepared using the freshest and healthiest ingredients right before your eyes. They also offer a variety of lunch specials like the Sushi Bar lunch special which offers five pieces of sushi and one California roll, served with soup or salad, all for only for $8. 3720 NW 13th St. STE 1, 352.337.0038, gainesvillefujihana.com
Totally useless fact: Starfish have no brains.
food for thought! Gator’s Dockside With some of the best wings in town, cheap drink specials and giant televisions throughout, Gator’s Dockside is perfect for students and families. The sports-themed restaurant provides a fun atmosphere for everyone, with big screen TVs, pool tables, video games, great food and friendly service. Have their breaded wings with their one-of-a-kind ‘Scooter’ sauce for their all-you-can-eat wings special every Monday night, a perfect addition to Monday Night Football. 3842 Newberry Rd STE 1-A, 352.338.4445, gatorsdockside.com
Gumby’s Pizza Whether it is for parties or just pigging out while studying, Gumby’s is a must for every college student. For years, Gumby’s has been providing quality pizza, hot sub sandwiches, salads, Pokey Stix, Pepperoni Rolls, and Buffalo wings to everyone in Gainesville. They have an amazing assortment of specials running all the time. The most notable of these is the Gumby Damitt, which features a 16-inch, X-Large Cheese Pizza for around $7. 2028 SW 34th St, 352.374.8629, gumbyspizza.com
Hogan’s Going on almost 20 years of business, Hogan’s remains the same, awesome, old school sandwich shop, serving giant sandwiches, a mass variety of ice-cold beer, regular low-prices and daily specials. Stacked upon a 6-, 8-, or 12-inch hoagie roll, Hogan’s Combination Heros pack on the meat, some to the point of requiring a fork and knife. Try the BBQ Special, which includes an 8-inch BBQ sub, chips and a small drink; perfect for any college student on the go.
IHOP Not much satisfies that post-drinking hunger/ hangover like a trip to IHOP! With their hearty omelets, giant breakfast combos and an almost incomparable array of pancakes, French toast, waffles and sweet crepes, IHOP remains one of the top breakfast eateries in Gainesville. Most recently, IHOP brought back their enticing funnel cake dishes, which offer two crispy funnel cakes topped with powdered sugar, your choice of fruit and a cream-whipped topping. For their lunch and dinner menus, IHOP packs in the same hearty, comfort-style food, providing plenty of options throughout the day and night. 3625 SW 13th St, 352.336.1839, ihop.com
Italian Gator A staple of Gainesville nightlife, Italian Gator serves high-quality, fresh flavors by the slice or by the pie. Stationed in the center of midtown, Italian Gator has been slinging their original and creative pies for hungry students, visitors and residents for years! Although, you can never go wrong with a cheap, flavorful cheese slice, The Big Gator Deluxe Pizza says it all right in the name: pepperoni, sausage, ham, green peppers, onions, mushrooms, and black olives piled high to fill your Italian Gator cravings!
1728 E UNIV Ave, 352.367.4600, italiangator.com
2327 NW 13th St, 352.376.6224; 5156 SW 34th St, 352.371.5851; hogans83.com
Hungry Howies What began as a single takeout/delivery pizza joint in 1973 has grown to become one of the most successful pizza restaurants in the nation. Often forgotten amongst the Gainesville pizza echelon, Howie’s offers high-quality flavored crust pizzas, oven baked subs, wings and salads. The most notable difference between Howie’s and the other guys is their customizable crust, which provides eight different options, including: sesame, butter cheese, butter, ranch, Cajun, garlic herb, onion and original.
3105 SW 34th St, 352.335.8444,hungryhowies. com; 1310 NW 23rd AVE, 352.374.6600; 4928 NW 39th AVE, 352.372.1112, gatorhowies.net
Kay Bros. BBQ On a mission to discover what true barbecue should taste like, brothers Darren and Steven journeyed through the heartland of barbecue with noted stops in Memphis, Kansas City and Austin. Now, fixed right across the street from UF, the brothers bring their love and passion for true barbecue to every table. With 15 entrée options and a variety of homemade sides, the menu is small and to the point. Their pulled pork is juicy and well seasoned, with just a hint of smoke, and it comes as a sandwich, with one side, or as a plate, with two sides and garlic bread or corn bread. 1620 W UNIV Ave, Ste C,
352.505.5772, kaybrosbbq.com
Larry’s Giant Subs With high-quality meats and cheeses and fresh produce delivered daily, it’s no surprise that Larry’s remains among the top sub joints in Gainesville. The meats and cheeses are sliced fresh for each sandwich and created right before the customer’s eyes. Try the Destroyer, stacked high with premium ham, cooked and genoa salami, capicola, pepperoni and beef bologna, as well as a variety of vegetable toppings and sauces. 1620 W UNIV Ave #3,
352.271.7977; 1310 NW 23rd AVE, 352.375.6610; 1122 N Main St, 352.376.1210; larryssubs.com
Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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Food for thought Leonardo’s Pizza With a simple, but delicious menu, Leonardo’s has been feeding college students and Gainesville residents for years. Whether you order by the slice, or by the pie, Leonardo’s prices are fair and their portions are plentiful. They also serve awesome calzones, salads, pastas and some of the best garlic rolls in town. If you haven’t been there yet, get your head out of the books for a little and have a slice. You’ll definitely go back! 1245 E UNIV AVE,
352.375.2007, wwwleonardosgainesville. com; 4131 NW 16th Blvd, 352.376.2001, leonardosmillhopper.com
Little Caesar’s Back from the pizzeria graveyard, Little Caesar’s has made an almost mythological-like return to the forefront of the pizza delivery and take out market. Offering the same low-priced, great quality pizza, Little Caesar’s has been voted best value in America for 4 years in a national survey of consumers. Their deep-dish pizza offers up a square, thicker pizza with a crispy crust, covered in cheese from edge-to-edge and cut into eight generous triangle-cut pieces; and of course, toppings are customized to your liking. 5162 SW 34th St, 352.336.6533; 5141 NW 43rd St, STE #106, 352.378.5775; littlecaesars.com
Marco’s Pizza Using only the freshest ingredients and daily. made dough, Marco’s Pizza has been named the fastest-growing pizza company in the U.S. The dough is homemade, the sauce is a secret blend of imported spices and three types of vine-ripened tomatoes and the cheese consists of three fresh cheeses that are never frozen. Piled high with four types of cheese including feta, bacon, onions, tomatoes and a butter garlic sauce, their award-winning White Cheezy Pizza is a must for any pizza enthusiast. 4370 SW 20th Ave, 352.336.1236, Marcos.com
Maui Teriyaki This American Japanese Grill makes their own Teriyaki sauce, which they serve in two forms: regular and spicy. They serve chicken, steak, pork and tofu. Their menu consists of a variety of bowls (your choice of protein on white rice and vegetables), Yakitori (two skewers of marinated dark chicken), salads and chicken wings. In its 13 years, Maui Teriyaki has become a staple of the UF experience. 600 NW 75th St. #E, 352.331.3393,
mauiteriyaki.com; 3105 SW 34th St, 352.264.0262, MauiUniversityTown.com
Miller’s Ale House This sports bar’s fame makes it hard to believe it’s only been around since 1983. It seems every big city you go to in Florida, there’s an Ale House somewhere nearby, with their great food, their friendly service, or their awesome drink and food specials. The menu offers steaks, original pasta dishes, fresh seafood, healthy salads, giant sandwiches and homemade desserts. The most intriguing offer, however, has got to be their $10 Maine Lobster with a choice of side. They also have one of the best porches in Gainesville! 3950 SW Archer Rd, 352.371.0818, millersalehouse.com
352.505.3662, UFLollicup.com
Miraku Japanese Steakhouse More of a traditional Japanese steakhouse, Miraku is the place for hibachi grill and sushi, featuring lively entertainment and a wide mix of steak, chicken and seafood dishes. Their sushi menu spans a variety of well-priced nigiri, sashimi and temaki sushi with a long list of proteins. The Ignacio Roll has fried shrimp, eel, avocado, fish eggs, jalapeno, tempura flakes and spicy sauce, and the Mudslide Roll packs eel, tamago, cream cheese, avocado, fish eggs, scallions, lemon together with salmon on top!
Macaroni Grill Inspired by Mediterranean cooking traditions along Italy’s coast, Romano’s Macaroni Grill describes their food as simple recipes that require the finest ingredients; such as import artisan pasta, vine-ripened tomatoes, select seafood, grilled meats and fresh, fragrant Italian herbs. Their menu ranges from a variety of antipasti, salads and pizza to handcrafted pastas, classic Italian dishes and a number of grilled specialties. Their Happy Hour, features $3 house wine and draft beers, $5 crafted cocktails, $5 pizzas and a number of new Tapas, like their Spicy Ricotta Meatballs.
Mochi Mochi Frozen Yogurt is a booming, alternative dessert shop that is quickly spreading around the Gainesville area. They offer 100-percent non-fat, cholesterol-free tart frozen yogurt that promotes good health by providing a source of calcium, boosting the immune system and maintaining a healthy digestive system. Mochi’s concept is simple: grab a cup, create any combination of eight flavors, such as lychee, pineapple, mango or blueberry, choose as many toppings as you want and pay only 45 cents an ounce! 1638 W
Lollicup Serving the Gainesville community since 2006, Lollicup provides, what has been described as, America’s favorite Bubble Tea. They offer milk teas and fruit slushes, as well as all natural, non-fat frozen yogurt with fresh fruit toppings. Their Bubble Tea flavors range from fresh fruits like kiwi, peach, strawberry, mango and passion fruit to honey, sweet green tea, lemon black tea, raspberry black tea and sweet black tea. With free WI-FI, Lollicup is a great place to cool off and study. 3550 SW 34th St,
6401 Newberry Rd, 352.331.0638, macaronigrill.com
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4005 SW 40th Blvd, 352.336.3188, MirakuJapaneseSteakhouse.com
UNIV Ave, 352.672.6383; 3841 SW Archer Rd Unit E, 352.371.7575; 202 Se 2nd AVE, 352.373.5353; mymochiyogurt.com; myMochi.biz
Totally useless fact: Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
food for thought! Mr. Tequila Mr. Tequila Mexican Restaurant was founded in 2003 in Bradenton, Florida, with the goal to serve up authentic Mexican flavor in each of its dishes with the most efficient service. The menu spans a variety of Mexican combination platters and dishes, including a mix of vegetarian options. Guests should taste the Chilaquiles, which plates fried corn tortillas, layered with a choice of ground beef or chicken, salsa ranchera and cheese, served with rice, beans, lettuce, tomato and sour cream. 908 NW 69th Terr,
352.872.5577, mrtequilarestaurant.com
Omi’s Kitchen With a menu spanning Cuban, Mexican, Italian and American cuisines, Omi’s has something for just about everyone. Omi herself is working the kitchen, pumping out orders like Tacos de Carne Asada and the White Chicken Lasagna, all while she also has a Meatloaf cooking in the oven. The vast array of menu items is extremely impressive and the fact that Omi, herself, is in the back making it all; magnifico! 5729 SW 75th St, 352.373.0301, omiselegantcatering.com/restaurant
Papa John’s With more than 3,500 restaurants in all 50 states and 29 countries, Papa John’s has positioned itself among the upper echelon of corporate pizza joints. Papa John’s founder John Schnatter opened his first restaurant in 1984 with the gusto to make a better pizza by using fresh dough and superior-quality ingredients. Their menu includes a mix of specialty pizzas, as well as a create-your-own option. Two new additions to their specialty menu are the Chicken Parmesan and Buffalo Chicken pizzas.
3605 SW Archer Rd, 352.336.7272; 4220 NW 16th Blvd, 352.375.7272; 1800 W Univ Ave, 352.376.7272, papajohns.com
Piesanos Stone Fired Pizza Dine-in or take out, Piesanos Stone Fired Pizza, packs in the flavor right down to their free Piesano rolls. Their gourmet specialty pizza’s range from a 12-inch to an Extreme (24-inch). They also push out a number of different calzones, subs, burgers, chicken and traditional Italian specialty entrees, like the Shrimp & Mussels Fra Diavolo. 5200 NW 43 St,
352.371.7437; 5757 SW 75th St. #101, 352.371.8646; piesanostogo.com
Pita Pit No night on the town is complete without a late night stop at Pita Pit. Whether before, when you’re sober or after when you’re not, Pita Pit will satisfy that college student hunger in a healthy way! Their vast menu consists of a broad mix of vegetables, breakfast items, meat, veggie and dieter options, salads, soups and smoothies. Try the Dagwood, which wraps turkey, ham and prime rib together with your choice of around 20 toppings, four cheeses and 11 sauces. 1702 W UNIV Ave #C, 352.692.4400;
3841 SW Archer Rd #F, 352.692.4460; pitapit.com
Pizza Hut Between their classic pan and hand-tossed pizzas and their stuffed crust and cheesy bites pizza, Pizza Hut has been at the forefront of pizza innovations for 50 years. More than just pizza though, Pizza Hut offers a variety of pastas, wings and their own take on the calzone, called the P’Zone, which they usually cook up with a deal for $5. 3515 SW Archer Rd,
352.374.4440; 1204 N Main St, 352.338.1776; 5004 NW 34th St, 352.373.7733; Oaks Mall and Tower, 352.332.0032; pizzahut.com
Quiznos Long before their competitors started toasting subs, Quiznos was providing hot, flavorful sandwiches with butcher-quality meat, fresh vegetables, all-natural cheeses, chef-designed signature sauces and artisan bread. Their menu is host to many different options, such as their signature subs, torpedoes and bullets, Sammies, soups and a variety of farmers’ market fresh salads. Start with the Chicken Carbonara with chicken, bacon, mozzarella, sautéed mushrooms and creamy bacon Alfredo sauce. 3545 SW 34th St Ste C, 352.335.3838;
3822 W Newberry Rd, 352.379.0102; 110 Stadium Rd, 352.392.9411; quiZnos.com
Red Mango Red Mango combines its refreshingly tangy frozen yogurt with fresh toppings to create a nutritious dessert that can be enjoyed at any point of the day. Their menu spans from frozen yogurt and parfaits to smoothies, hot chocolate chillers and iced beverages. The Strawberry Banana Spoonable Smoothie mixes strawberries, bananas and all-natural peanut butter with toppings of organic pumpkin flax seed granola and fresh slices of banana. To help you through those all-night study sessions, they also can throw in a protein, multivitamin, immunity and energy boost. 3333
SW 34th St, STE 1, 352.872.5227; 6419 Newberry Rd, 352.505.5091; redmangousa.com
Relish With fresh, never frozen, 100 percent certified Angus Beef patties and a seemingly endless amount of toppings and sauces, Relish also offers veggie burgers, chicken sandwiches and quarter-pound, all-beef, 100 percent kosher hot dogs. Patrons can order a single tasty, a double tasty, a triple tasty, a half the guilt (one beef patty, one veggie patty) or the Tasty Vegetarian burger. After picking the size, they can choose from extras like cheese, bacon, fried egg, or another burger patty. Guests then decide what sauces and toppings they want to stack on top. Fixed right across the street from UF, Relish is great for a big snack between classes, or more likely, an afternoon nap. 1702 W UNIV Ave,
STE D, 352.692.4400, relishusa.com
Rolls ‘n Bowls This Green Certified Japanese Bistro serves fresh traditional Japanese ingredients combined to create the best, fresh sushi rolls, savory rice bowls and delicious salad selections. With rolls like the Mexican, with katsu shrimp, avocado, fish roe and mayo and the Oopsy, with crab delight, smoked eel, cream cheese, fish roe, shitake, and cucumber with eel sauce and super fly spicy sauce, you can get a healthy, but filling meal at a fair-price. 3117 SW 34th St, 352.271.1011, rollsnbowls.com
Totally useless fact: The word ‘pixel’ is a contraction of either ‘picture cell’ or ‘picture element’.
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Food for thought
Sushi Chao Built in the heart of midtown Gainesville, Sushi Chao is the latest concept from the creators of Bento and Mochi. The quick Asian restaurant features a number of sushi rolls, nigiri, bowls and salads, as well as their own version of fish tacos. At only $3.50 a piece, their fish tacos are served with soy salsa, lettuce, avocado, cheese and finished with shrimp sauce, all of which are piled atop a choice of fried tilapia, fried salmon or marinate fresh tuna. 1620 W Univ Ave,
352.373.2277, sushichao.biz
Sonic Modeled after the classic American drive-thru diners, Sonic has taken its place at the forefront of American fast-food restaurants. Their menu has an array of burgers, hot dogs, chicken sandwiches and tenders and their latest addition: the Baja Dog, which features melted pepper jack, tomatoes, chopped onions and spicy jalapenos in a poppy seed bun for only $1.99. If that doesn’t sound like enough to fill your hunger, Sonic’s chili cheese tots should do the trick! 2162 NW 39th AVE , 352.264.7675, sonicdrivein.com
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Subway The Subway brand has more than 34,000 locations around the world. For a quick, nutritious meal, Subway is a fresh route at a low price. It has a number of options and combinations on their menu, including its Featured $5 Footlong special each month. August’s featured footlong is the Black Forest Ham, Egg and Cheese with Spinach! subway.com, @SubwayGNV
Sushi-2-Go With high-quality, super cheap sushi and appetizers, you won’t even have to pick up the phone to satisfy that craving for sushi. Order online for appetizers like egg rolls and dumplings for only $3. You can also try their nori, regular and specialty rolls, like the Flying Dragon roll, made with imitation crab, avocado, cucumber, fish roe, with eel on top, and the Wolverine roll with fried tilapia, smoked salmon, spicy sauce, mushroom, scallions, and fish roe, with pepper sprinkles on top. 352.338.1068, sushi-2-go.com
Take Away Gourmet Specializing in catering, cuisine-to-go and cooking classes, Take Away Gourmet’s personal chef services offer an alternative to processed, institutional food. All of their dishes are made from scratch, using the finest ingredients, from a collection of well-tested recipes, featuring health-conscious dishes like the Chicken Parmesan Casserole, with its breaded and then sautéed chicken breast, topped with homemade marinara, mozzarella and Parmesan cheese and then served on a bed of pasta. Order meals that have already been prepared from the Grab and Go menu or up to three days in advance to ensure your requests. 3345 SW 34th St #1, 352.374.4433, takeawaygourmet4u.com
Totally useless fact: The ‘S’ in Harry S Truman didn’t stand for anything; Truman had a middle initial but no middle name.
food for thought! Texas Roadhouse For hand-cut steaks, fall-off-the-bone ribs, made-from-scratch sides, homemade bread and a fair price, Texas Roadhouse is just the place. The best deals for a hungry college student are one of the Texas-size combos: For only around $16, guests can choose a main dish, such as their savory sirloin steak and team it with BBQ chicken, Ribs or Grilled Shrimp, as well as their choice of two sides. 3830 SW
Archer Rd, 352.377.2820, texasroadhouse.com
TCBY Recently introducing Super Fro-Yo as a new classification of frozen yogurt, TCBY has been setting standards for the ice cream/frozen yogurt industry for almost 20 years. TCBY described Super Fro-Yo as being a special combination of nutrients that work together to improve your overall sense of well-being. TCBY offers a variety of soft-serve yogurts with flavors like Cheesecake and White Macadamia, as well as sorbets with an assortment of toppings, smoothies and other specialty items.
TGI Fridays With daily, cheap drink specials and half-off appetizers, TGI Fridays remains a hot spot for college students and families. Well-known for their Jack Daniels sauce, TGI Fridays has also added three new burgers to their menu. The Southwest Burger is piled high with a 100 percent USDA Choice Black Angus Beef patty, melted pepper jack cheese, sautéed peppers and onions, crispy Cajun-spiced fried onion strings with chipotle spread and fresh sliced avocado. Pair that with an ice-cold Sam Adams or Drifter Pale Ale, and you have the makings of a nice, laid-back afternoon. 3598 SW Archer Rd, 352.336.1231, tgifridayS.com
3102 SW 34th St, 352.376.5665; 1600 SW Archer Rd, 352.379.5580; 2441 NW 43rd St Ste 24C 352.378.1051; tcby.com
Tropical Smoothie Tropical Smoothie offers a healthy, nutritious variety of fresh, made-to-order smoothies, wraps, sandwiches, grilled flatbreads and gourmet salads. The island combo lets guests choose two of four options: smoothie, half bistro sandwich, half gourmet salad or a cup of soup. Try the Wasabi Roast Beef with roast beef, pepper jack cheese, romaine lettuce and a wasabi Caesar dressing on toasted ciabatta bread. They’re also open all night, making them perfect for those late night study sessions. 3345 SW 34th St #5, 352.379.9988, tropicalsmoothie.com
Wing Zone Wing Zone delivers 15 award-winning flavors of Buffalo wings, Chicken fingers, Sandwiches, Burgers, salads and shrimp right to your door. Their Thai Chili flavored wings even won best creative sauce at the 2009 Buffalo Wing Festival. If you feel like hot wings, but don’t feel like doing the work, they also offer chicken fingers. The best value for their wings or fingers lies in the $5.99 Value Meal, which features a side of their awesome wedge fries. 923 E UNIV AVE, 352.377.2473, wingzone.com
Willy’s Mexicana Grill Named for its creator, Willy’s Mexicana Grill features made-to-order burritos, tacos, and quesadillas. Willy started the restaurant with a passion for making and eating great Mexican food. He still carries that passion today after years and far more locations. Most notable on the menu is the cilantro-garlic steak burrito, which folds together lean, char-grilled sirloin steak in a cilantro-garlic marinade with your choice of fillings! 3617 SW Archer Rd, 352.336.8040, willys.com
WE DELIVER TO UF CAMPUS 352-672-MMMM OR GAINESVILLE2GO.COM. TEXT SONIC6234 TO 876642 TO BE ENROLLED IN SONIC GAINESVILLE’S AMAZING TEXT OFFERS.
OPEN TILL 2 AM: THU, FRI & SAT
VOTED GAINESVILLE’S #1 HOT DOG, VEGGIE BURGER & SWEET TEA
352-264-7675 2162 NW 39TH AVENUE GAINESVILLE, FL 32605 Totally useless fact: Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
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PACK IT IN!
By Emily Alter
Back to School
Backpack Review
PB TEEN: The Gear Up backpack not only fits everything you need into its ultra durable, waterproof polyester compartments, it comes with a cause: The Gear Up to Give Back program through PBteen.com, gives up to 4 percent cash to local schools! PBteen.com $45.50
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Totally useless fact: Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.
PACK IT IN! CARIBEE: Carrying books will be comfortable with this backpack! The back panel and straps have a soft mesh cushion to give stability and comfort, while still providing all the storage you need. It is also equipped with EVA shock protection and a lockable rear-zip laptop compartment for laptops that range up to 17 inches. www.caribee.us $79.95
HIGH SIERRA SPORTS COMPANY: Whether you’re camping with a survival kit, or just trying to survive a study day at the library, the Tightrope gives you the most space with the largest compartments, while at the same time, offering the most comfort. The innovative Airflow padding keeps your back dry and cushioned. With the a computer sleeve (for a laptop up to 17 inches) and multiple compartments, you’ll never run out of room to stow your belongings! www.hssc.com $100
TIMBUK2: This backpack is for the ultimate organizer. With multiple internal and external pockets, you can compartmentalize all your books and gadgets! It features a laptop protection fur-lined pocket and ventilated back panel for breathing room. All Timbuk2 products have a lifetime guarantee.
HIGH SIERRA SPORTS COMPANY: The more stuff you have the more pockets you need! The Boondock gives plenty of space and compartments for all your school needs, including a specially designed computer sleeve, which protects laptops up to 17 inches. With comfortable straps and a pocket for just about everything - cell phone, pen organizer, water bottle, etc. – you can be prepared for anything! www.hssc.com $80
www.timbuk2.com $99
HIGH SIERRA SPORTS COMPANY: The Slash offers the most basic style for carrying needs with the added comfort of a padded back panel. With a large front compartment and accessory compartment this superlightweight backpack is a classic choice for any student! www.hssc.com $40
Totally useless fact: Barbie’s full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
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CHARTED
HIPSTER VS HOMELESS
LONG HAIR
ACTUALLY HOMELESS
WALK TO EVERY DESTINATION
IPHONE
EAT & DRINK CHEAP THINGS
LONG BEARDS
SECOND-HAND CLOTHES
HOMELESS HIPSTER
COMPUTER LAB USAGE time spent on homework
TIME SPENT ON RAGE COMICS
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Totally useless fact: The barbarian tribes, particularly the Gauls and Celts, used lime to bleach their hair and to hold it in place.
CHARTED
WHEN MY SIBLINGS NEED TO GET ON THE COMPUTER
ANY OTHER TIME
WHEN I’M ONLINE
GUYS WHO BRING THEIR GUITARS TO COLLEGE
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO wish GUITAR PLAYER WOULD STOP PLAYING THE ONLY THREE SONGS HE KNOWS OVER & OVER
ACTION THEY THINK THEY WILL GET
ACTION THEY ACTUALLY GET
Totally useless fact: When Mario made his debut in the original Donkey Kong in 1981, he was known as Jumpman.
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spotted!
Premium Rush
Spot The Differences
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l J oseph Gordon-Levitt, Michae irez Ram ia Dan ng, Chu ie Shannon, Jam
Totally useless fact: Only 17 existing paintings are attributed to famed artist Leonardo da Vinci.
Totally useless fact: Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
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1) Hole in his shirt is missing, 2) Numbers from his shirt are missing, 3) Fence in bottom left is missing, 4) her eyes are looking in the other direction, 5) cut from her face is missing, 6) Her shirt is different color, 7) Her ponytail is missing, 8) Her finger tips are missing, 9) white markings on her helmet are missing.
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
get these in your life By Daniel Sutphin
AOC Aire iPlay Instead of dealing with wires
and cords, AOC’s Aire iPlay lets you dock your smart phone right onto the television. The 23-inch Full High Definition display hosts a built-in docking station that allows immediate video, audio and photo playback from iDevices through AOC’s patented plug-and-play technology. The base of the monitor also includes built-in speakers with SRS Sound www.aoc.com starting at $229.99
Sceptre E243BD-FHD HDTV With Built-In DVD Player
Dorm rooms and apartments can often be cramped. It is difficult to always fit everything you want or need. One way to eliminate clutter is by streamlining your entertainment center. With Sceptre’s 23-inch LED television plus a built-in DVD player. The glossy black TV packs all the performance you need to watch your favorite shows through a high resolution of 1920x1080. Aside from the DVD player, the TV also has 3 HDMI ports so you can connect all of your high-def devices! www.sceptre.com $ 399
Korg: Kaossilator 2
Make some noise with Korg’s new Kaossilator 2. The palm-size synthesizer can be played by anyone at any place with ease. Tap or slide you finger across the touchpad to generate sound. Create your own musical rendition by collaborating 150 built-in sounds! You can even record it with a built-in microphone! korg.com $159.99 66
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Totally useless fact: Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as 3 Greyhound buses.
get these in your life
G-CONNECT
For a wireless solution to extra data storage, G-Connect provides on-the-go access to content through the iPad and iPhone. It can be used to access content that’s not already loaded on a mobile device and can wirelessly stream high definition content to up to three devices or standard definition content to up to five devices at the same time! If that weren’t enough, it also acts as a WiFi Internet access point for multiple users! www.g-technology.com $199.99
Cell Drive
The college life is one that is constantly on the go. Between classes, work, studying and social life, it’s important for students to have the information they need available to them at any point in time. The patented Cell Drive works with cell phones, smart phones, GPS, E-readers, Bluetooth, MP3 and other USB portable devices to provide storage and transfer capability for data and media sharing and protection. It also functions as an emergency backup battery! www.mycelldrive.com starting at $49.95
Seidio Desktop Cradle Kit Securely charge your smart phone with Seidio’s
Desktop Cradle Kit. It features a rubberized coating and removable plates that are also compatible with Seidio’s Surface and Active case and it’s Innocell Extended Life Batteries. The cradle syncs and charges your Apple iPhone vertically for easy display. www.seidioonline.com $39.95
Satechi’s BT Media Remote
With Satechi’s BT Media Remote, streaming video and audio has become even more convenient. Connect your device to a TV, a dock station or car stereo and you can control the device from up to 33 feet away! The remote lets you play, pause, forward, rewind and mute or adjust the volume of music or video content without ever having to reach or leave your seat! www.satechi.net $39.99
Totally useless fact: Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
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REALLY FAKE NEWS!
The
Monthly
Spoof
.com .com
College Students Revved Up For Football Season, Padded Schedules As we jump into the month of August, students from across the country are excited about what the fall school year has to bring, and there’s nothing more thrilling than tailgating, football, parties, and of course, the introductory sociology class. That’s right, at some point, even the nerds need a lighter schedule to soften the course load. Marcus Brazen, a third-year engineering student, can’t wait to begin his Intro to Women’s Studies course in August. “You don’t understand. At my school, only 7 percent of engineering students are female. The less I see women, the thicker my uni-brow gets.”
Even local Account Coordinator Jim Sweeney has decided to enroll in a couple of courses. This despite the fact that Sweeney is married, has his MBA and has been working with the same company for over nine years. Although Sweeney claims to have a “strong desire to keep up with the new and ever-changing technology,” he is enrolled in only two courses: one of which is a freshman geography course designed to have “light to very-light” software use, and the other is the same women’s studies course Marcus Brazen is enrolled in. “I know it looks weird,” said Sweeney. “You have to understand though… with the job market the way it is, continuing education is key. You really can’t risk anything. Plus, I think my wife is cheating on me.”
Brazen isn’t the only one looking for relief from the rigors of academia. Second-year frat guy, Tad Mitchell, is “stoked” about his upcoming Oceanography course. This will be Mitchell’s third shot at the course, but with – as he optimistically puts it – “a different teach.” “My last dude was kind of a d-bag, if you know what I mean. Like, he was cool and all, except around test time. The dude was like, ‘You can’t write the answers on your hand,’ and I was like, ‘Old Man River, it looks like I just did.’ Then I laughed and fist-pounded my frat brother Tyson in the row in front of me,” said Mitchell.
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Totally useless fact: On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
accept me
AN ESSAY BY AN NYU APPLICANT This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? hing ice. I have n seen scaling walls and crus I have a dynamic figure, ofte making them ks, brea h lunc my on n stations been known to remodel trai ic slurs for ethn e slat heat retention. I tran more efficient in the area of time efficiently. age man I ras, ope g innin rd-w Cuban refugees, I write awa for three days in a row. er Occasionally, I tread wat ing, I can pilot us and godlike trombone play I woo women with my sensuo I cook Thirtyand ed, spe ing agg unfl with bicycles up severe inclines stucco, a minutes. I am an expert in Minute Brownies in twenty . Peru in law out veteran in love, and an le-handedly e glass of water, I once sing Using only a hoe and a larg a horde of ferocious from in Bas zon Ama the defended a small village in Mets, I am the cello, I was scouted by the army ants. I play bluegrass large build I d, bore ntaries. When I’m subject of numerous docume ng. On glidi g han n urba y enjo I . suspension bridges in my yard free of charge. I repair electrical appliances Wednesdays, after school, less bookie. concrete analyst, and a ruth I am an abstract artist, a evening wear. uroy cord of my original line Critics worldwide swoon over fan mail. I have been ive rece I yet en, citiz ate I don’t perspire. I am a priv t summer won the weekend passes. Las caller number nine and have al-force demonstration. rifug cent eling trav a with I toured New Jersey I bat .400. international ts have earned me fame in My deft floral arrangemen t me. botany circles. Children trus deadly accuracy. small moving objects with I can hurl tennis rackets at eld in one day perfi Cop id Dav Moby Dick, and I once read Paradise Lost, evening. t tha h an entire dining room and still had time to refurbis arket. I erm sup the in item food y ever I know the exact location of p once slee I CIA. the with rt operations have performed several cove tion in Canada, vaca on e Whil ir. cha a in p slee a week; when I do sleep, I seized a group of terrorists who had I successfully negotiated with me. to ly physics do not app a small bakery. The laws of paid. On weekends, I frolic, and my bills are all I balance, I weave, I dodge, Years ago I te in full-contact origami. to let off steam, I participa n. I have made dow it e writ to ot forg life but discovered the meaning of toaster oven. a and li mou a meals using only extraordinary four course Juan, cliff-diving I have won bullfights in San I breed prizewinning clams. lin. I have Krem the and spelling bees at competitions in Sri Lanka, and I have ery, surg art n-he ope ed played Hamlet, I have perform spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to
college.
Totally useless fact: Because he had bad eyesight, Harry Truman memorized the letters on the eye chart to get into the Army.
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IN THE STARS!
Humor Bella Fountain
scopes The end of summer is here and the stars know just how much you can’t wait to get back to class. Sticking a penny under your tongue and taking your temperature won’t solve anything anymore. This is the big leagues. You’ll need to step up your game if you want to get out of class. Or you could just ditch…
ARIES
(21 Mar–20 Apr)
You will receive a worrisome call from home this month. Your parents will go crazy and auction you off to a gypsy family for $30 and some Milano cookies. At least that’s more than you would’ve sold for on eBay.
TAURUS
(21 Apr–21 May)
I forgive you, Taurus. You’re hot, but you weren’t that good in bed. I’ve set up a Web site where all your disappointed lovers can laugh about that funny face you always make. You know the one I’m talking about.
GEMINI
(22 May–22 Jun)
Back to studying for you, Gemini. Unless you want to be another burger flipper with a PhD, you may need to refine your major. The sexual preferences of the Asiatic turtle is a good, fascinating start.
CANCER
(23 Jun–23 Jul)
You knew it was too good to last. Back to being single again. Use this month to call ex-lovers and get feedback on past performances. Chances are that at least one of them is desperate enough to give you another go. 70
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AUGUST
2012
LEO
SAGITTARIUS
Your plans to breed a master race of lab mice will fail. It’s creepy, a little sad and, frankly, you just aren’t smart enough to pull it off. Don’t worry. You’ll still win first prize in the upcoming pie eating contest.
Tone down your language. The only people who shag potty mouths like you are free-loving hippies and sad saps who lost a bet. Even then, they need to be drunk and partially blind. You have no chance.
(24 Jul–23 Aug)
(23 Nov–22 Dec)
VIRGO
CAPRICORN
You are growing every day. The stars have noticed. We’ve been behind you all the way. The stars always love the runt of the litter. Maybe you’ll be the size of an adult human by the time you graduate.
The stars foresee good things for you this month. An outstanding business venture will present itself to you. Too bad it’ll be a gig as the fourth lead in a B-grade porno filmed in some guy’s minivan.
(24 Aug–23 Sep)
(23 Dec–19 Jan)
LIBRA
AQUARIUS
Try wearing sexy underwear every day for a week. It’ll boost your confidence and get the attention of the opposite sex. Just remember to wear clothes over your sexy underwear in public this time.
You haven’t returned my calls. I think you’re hot. We should go out some time. Why are you sweating so much? Are you having a panic attack? You better not reject the stars or there will be hell to pay!
(24 Sep–23 Oct)
(20 Jan–19 Feb)
SCORPIO
PISCES
The stars advise using this month to hibernate and catch up on some muchneeded alone time. Not that you haven’t ad plenty of that in the bedroom lately. Of course, that wasn’t entirely your choosing.
As hard as you lobby to get yourself on television, it’s never going to happen. Not only are you a duck-faced ogre, you also have a snaggletooth and a beak nose. Look on the bright side, Pisces… there’s always radio.
(24 Oct–22 Nov)
(20 Feb–20 Mar)
Totally useless fact: Barbie’s full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Totally useless fact: Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
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Totally useless fact: All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
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Totally useless fact: You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Totally useless fact: The two longest one-syllable words in the English language is “screeched. & strengths.�
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apply today
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Totally useless fact: Lake Nicaragua is the only spot on Earth where freshwater sharks swim in their native habitat.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: The last state to ban eugenics-based castration was Oregon in 1983. The last castration took place in 1978.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
T S U G U A
SUDOKU QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
Totally useless fact: “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
where’s frank?
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
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hahahaha
A woman hails a taxicab. “Can you take me to the coach station please?”
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A tyrant ruler decided to put his photo on postage stamps. After a week he decided to check the sales and was pleased to know that they were selling many hundreds a day. The postmaster had a complaint though. He said, “They want the gum to be on the photograph side of the stamp because that’s where they are spitting.”
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A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
As they travel along, the driver looks at her through his mirror and says to her, “Do you know that you are the fourth pregnant lady I’ve had in this cab this morning?” The woman replies, “But I’m not pregnant.” The taxi driver says, “Yes but we are not at the coach station yet either.” Person 1: “Look at that weird looking boy with short cowboylike hair and flashy dress.” Person 2: “Oh, that? That’s a girl and she is my daughter.” Person 1: “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you are her father.” Person 2: “Actually, I am her mother, not father.”
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rearview mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I’m a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL! WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally useless fact: Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year.
A WOMAN’S RIGHT TO CHOOSE!
She’s By Jessica DiGiacinto
Just Not
That Into You Dating isn’t easy. Everyone knows this. Why else would Dr. Phil and Match.com exist? It isn’t easy and it’s never been simple, but according to some dumba** who wrote a lame book that got turned into an even lamer movie, there are ways for chicks to tell if a guy just isn’t that into them. Apparently, guys and their finite mentality can be summed up in a couple hundred pages. Greg Behrendt (who, if you Google Image him, looks like a bleach blonde geezer who’s desperately trying to shove himself into skater pants and sport a half-assed soul patch) is the mastermind behind the book He’s Just Not That Into You – a Bible of sorts for girls who just can’t seem to decode the guys they’re trying to date. In truth, it’s nothing more than a bunch of remedial words stating the obvious. I’d like to think that someday, I could be just as rich as Behrendt, because after all my years in the dating world, I, too, have my own thoughts on guys – but more importantly, on girls. Girls are complicated, right? So wouldn’t the person who finally figured out ways to tell if a chick just isn’t that into you be hailed as a dating genius and given their own multi-million dollar book deal? All I have to say is, Random House, call me.
How To Tell If She’s Just Not That In to You
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she talks to you for an hour at the bar, then starts making out with the significantly hotter guy next to you after you’ve already bought her several drinks. She’s Just Not That Into You If… she laughs at all your jokes. Seriously, if you were really funny, she’d be holding it in while trying to look cool and collected. Her laughter is indicative of her utter disgust with your acne, body odor and snaggletooth. She’s Just Not That Into You If… she suggests meeting at the library. In broad daylight. To actually study.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… the phone number she wrote down on the napkin you handed her only has an area code… from the other side of the country.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… you come over on a Friday night and she’s in sweatpants without make-up. This signals two things: a) she’s not trying to impress you and b) she’s going out later… with someone else.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she doesn’t return your call. Girls are obsessed with the phone. If she isn’t using hers to call you back, she’s clearly not obsessed with you. Sorry, bud.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… you walk in on her and your roommate “talking.” Look at her hair. Is it frumpier than an ‘80s pop star? Chances are they weren’t just “talking” 10 minutes ago.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she’s dancing with her back to you on the dance floor. She’s not saying “grab my ass,” but rather “kiss my ass.” Which I’m sure you’d like to do anyway.
Did that seem blatantly obvious to you? It did?!?! Great… I’ve got a legit chance at making millions like Behrendt! Only in America, baby!
Totally useless fact: The only real food U.S. astronauts are allowed in space are pecan nuts.
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SUCK IT, KERMIT! By Brian Hodges
Easy Tips for
Being Green
We all know what we have to do to slow down global warming: drive less, use fluorescents, ease off the A/C… yada yada yada. But there’s more to going green than your use of the global thermostat. A cool planet is small consolation if you’re surrounded by trash everywhere you go. That’s why doing your part to stop everyday pollution is equally important. By now you’ve heard the phrase “Reduce, reuse, recycle” so many times that it’s all but lost its meaning. Here are some ways that even dorm-dwelling students can put the Three Magic Rs to work.
Make Baking Soda & Vinegar Your Friends
It’s not just the basis for dumb 6th grade science projects anymore. Between vinegar’s disinfecting personality and baking soda’s odor-killing goodness, these two foamy-when-mixed pals are the perfect way to REDUCE the number of harsh cleaning chemicals you put into the air and water. A 50-50 solution of vinegar and water will wipe up any mess as good as Formula 409. Add baking soda to the mix for some extra scrubbing “oomph.” Sprinkling a bit-o-soda into your trashcan will kill odors just as well as those chem-happy aerosol sprays without making the room smell like an industrial pine tree.
Use Fewer Suds
Just because the cup on the detergent bottle is the size of a porn star’s bra doesn’t mean you need to fill it to the brim. Unless you’re doing laundry for a group of traveling Deadheads, a quarter cap of detergent is generally sufficient to get the job done. Since most commercial detergents are petroleum-based, it’s a good idea to REDUCE how much of it trickles into the Earth. An even better idea is to switch to plantbased detergents like Ecover or Seventh Generation. You can also call on your new friends, baking soda and vinegar, as substitutes for fabric softener and bleach, respectively. You may look like an alchemist to your friends but the groundwater (and your skin) will ultimately thank you. campus talk
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Get Thrifty
Why pay full price for something new when you can get equal or better quality used? Thrift stores aren’t just cheaper places to shop for furniture, music and retro clothing from your parents’ adolescence… they also save on the amount of wasted resources needed to make new crap every year. By REUSING the materials that others have donated – and by donating your own stuff to keep the cycle going – you’ll REDUCE untold pounds of garbage in landfills. Not to mention you’ll be the only one in your social circle with an original wardrobe.
Stop The Paper Towel Epidemic
You needn’t hug a tree, but please listen when people beg you to stop using so much damn paper! Besides setting aside a RECYCLE pile for every useless piece of junk mail you receive (an entire forest could be saved during back-to-school sales alone), it’s just as important to REDUCE the amount of paper you use from day to day. And rarely is more waste generated than in the use of paper towels. Next time, use a worn-out T-shirt or sock to clean up that spilled vodka shot instead of half a roll of two-ply. A simple REUSE can save a tree, as well as those landfills that smell like you roomie’s laundry pile.
Be A TrendSetter
This one is simple. Or at least it should be. Stop throwing your crap on the ground! Yet a quick look around outside makes it obvious that walking the extra 20 feet to a trashcan is much too complex for some people to handle. That’s where you, the supposedly Earth-conscious college student, need to take the high road. REUSE any of those 10,000 plastic Publix bags you keep stashed behind your desk and make a point to pick up trash whenever you see it helplessly lying around. Sure, it’s not the most glamorous solution, but the results are immediate and visible. You’d be surprised how influential your eco-friendly actions can be. While you think you look like a homeless guy searching for treasure, others will see a progressive-minded person trying to make a difference. Or they’ll think you’re homeless. The thrift store wardrobe probably isn’t helping…
Totally useless fact: 25% of a human’s bones are in the feet.
oooh, nasty!
irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur
Check eoto send us picturees toof yo
Feel fre ment or roommat ’d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th
Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: “Go.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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DOUCHE FREE IS THE WAY TO BE!
Level 1: D-Bags In Training
Beginner d-bags are nothing more than impressionable pawns looking for ways to make names for themselves. These younglings talk the talk (like telling you that your hairdo looks like a Chia Pet on Rogaine) but rarely ever walk the walk (like when they run for dear life after you confront them with a closed fist for making fun of your mullet).
Level 2: Sports D-Bags
You root for Team X? This guy says, “F you!” You like baseball more than football? Yup… “F you!” Even in defeat, this d-bag can’t tone down his angry rhetoric. Of course, that could be a direct result of the fact that he has unofficially substituted sex for sports over the past decade of his life. So, really, don’t hold it against him.
Level 3: Nightlife D-Bags
By Ami Gavarian
The Levels Of
Douchebaggery Everyone knows one. Hell, you may even be one! But one universal truth exists across the board – people detest douchebags. Notorious for their smarminess, rudeness, selfishness and every other ‘ness in the book, d-bags have exponentially grown in numbers to currently occupy over 55 percent of our college campuses. It’s science… look it up. campus talk
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But what can we do to stop their militia-like multiplicity? Well, unfortunately nothing. They’re a virus with no cure. We can, however, identify the levels of douchebaggery in an attempt to stave off impending douchedom inflicted upon us and our loved ones.
Every college town has its prominent nightlife, and as a result, its equally prominent club-going douches. You can spot these folks as easily as the drunk, slutty chick dancing on the bar. They’re the ones who reek of tacky perfume or cologne and dress up in black tie attire to go play beer pong at some dive bar. They’re also easily spotted by the massive sores around the corners of their lips.
Level 4: Political D-Bags
Ever come across an opinionated a**clown who thinks you’re an uninformed idiot just because you don’t share the same views on the national budget and foreign diplomacy? Of course you have… you’re in college! These d-bags are like rashes… the more you try to scratch them out of your life, the worse they come back to itch you.
Totally useless fact: A group of ravens is called a murder.
Sad Lefty
Left Hander’s By Chad Squitieri
Living in a Right Hander’s World August is home to one of the perhaps most important holidays of the year, National Left Hander’s day. This greatly anticipated day of the year that Southpaw’s across the country wait for is a day meant to recognize the difficulties and benefits of being left handed. Below are a few left handed tidbits that you probably never took the time to consider, that is unless you happen to be left-handed yourself.
POKE YOUR EYE OUT Try using scissors with your left hand, enough said.
FOREVER ALONE
TEST DAY
You know that unfortunate situation when you have to take a test next to a left-handed student? Their elbows are all up in your space while you’re just sitting there trying to politely guess blindly on your Scranton. Well consider that, and then reverse the roles. Left-handed test takers have to experience this lack of space pretty much every time they walk into a test. It doesn’t help when tests are given in lecture rooms with those weird lima bean shaped three square inch flip desks in auditoriums either. Almost all of those desks are made for right handed test takers.
The perfect ending to a great vacation is often attributed to wasting money at the gift shop on souvenirs that you will probably break or lose before your next trip. One would not think that the horrors of being left handed would be prevalent in a gift shop, however this sadly is the case for the many left-handed vacationers around the country. Fortunately it does not affect a left hander’s ability to enjoy getting their name engrained on a piece of rice, or prevent them from collecting little bottles of local sand. Novelty mugs on the other hand, tend to be off limits for left handers. Next time you see a novelty mug, you know the ones with “I am cranky without my coffee” or something similar written on one side, try holding it with your left hand. Chances are the “I am cranky without my coffee” part will now be facing you, and not facing outward for the world to see that you are indeed cranky. Left-handed coffee drinkers are thus cast into a life of isolation where no one gets the opportunity to laugh at their witty mugs except themselves.
Totally useless fact: Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
THE GAME MADE FOR SOUTHPAWS
Being left handed is not entirely bad news however, at least if you are a baseball player. Though there are a few disadvantages to being a left-handed player, such as making it awkward to play in the infield, America’s past time inadvertently gives a few advantages to left handers. For one, left-handed batters stand a few extra steps closer to first base than their right handed counterparts do. Left-handed pitchers can better keep an eye on first base than they would be able to otherwise, and left-handed batters, who tend to send the ball flying out into right field more often, get the advantage of an often shorter distance to the right field wall compared to the distance from home plate to the left field wall. Left-handed players are also in good company. Some famous left-handed baseball players include Ty Cobb, Barry Bonds, and Babe Ruth. So this August, if you wish to see what life is like for left handers, try to do some of your daily tasks using your left instead of right hand. But for real, just be careful with the scissors. campus talk
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august 2012
WHO STASHED THE CANDY?
flicks By daniel sutphin
The Campaign WHAT: Comedy WHO: Will Ferrell, Zach
Galifianakis, Jason Sudeikis, Sarah Baker WHEN: August 10 Long-term congressman Cam Brady (Ferrell) gets reelected every term for the same reason: no one runs against him. Come this election, however, two CEOs put up a rival candidate, Marty Huggins (Galifianakis), to gain power over their district. Huggins, a naïve director of the local Tourism Center, becomes a challenge and the two must battle it out for the position.
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to s trailer!
Hit and Run 2 Days in New York WHAT: Comedy WHO: Julie Delpy, Chris Rock,
Albert Delpy, Alexia Landeau WHEN: August 10 A follow-up to the film, Two Days in Paris, 2 Days in New York finds Marion (Delpy) living with her American boyfriend Mingus (Rock), as well as her child from a previous relationship. Her family decides to visit, bring with them not only her ex-boyfriend and father of her child, but also a cultural background guaranteed to clash with Mingus. campus talk
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august 2012
The Expendables 2 WHAT: Action, Adventure WHO: Sylvester Stallone, Liam
Hemsworth, Randy Couture, Jean-Claude Van Damme, WHEN: August 17 Stallone ups the ante with this rendition’s throwback action-star cast. In the sequel, the Expendables return when Mr. Church (Stallone) enlists them to take on an apparently easy job. After the job goes awry, the team seeks revenge despite the odds being stacked against them.
WHAT: Action, Comedy, Romance WHO: Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper, Kristin Chenoweth WHEN: August 24 Protected witness Charlie Bronson (Shepard) has been living a peaceful life since selling out his old gang and best friend (Cooper). But when his girlfriend needs help getting to Los Angeles, he must risk his fake identity to get her there. The former getaway driver must put his retired skills to task as he outruns the feds and his former gang.
Total Recall WHAT: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale WHEN: August 3 Frustrated and in a rut, factory worker, Douglas Quaid turns to the underground trend of Recall. The mind-altering trip gives Quaid the memories of a life as a super-spy in what was supposed to be a temporary vacation. The procedure goes wrong and Quaid becomes a hunted man on the run from the police.
Totally useless fact: Kool-Aid was originally marketed as “Fruit Smack.”
rent me!
Small
The Hunger Games WHAT: Action/Adventure, Drama WHO: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh
Screen
Snowtown Murders
The Five-Year Engagement WHAT: Comedy, Drama, Romance WHO: Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt, Alison Brie, Lauren Weedman WHEN: August 28 In love and ready to tie the knot, Five-Year Engagement follows Violet and Tom through the course of their extended engagement. Violet gets a job causing the two to put off the wedding, kicking off a multi-year series of complications. Despite their best efforts to marry, the snags eventually put a strain on their relationship with each other and their families.
WHAT: Drama, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Lucas Pittaway, Daniel
Hick WHAT: Art House/Foreign WHO: Chloe Moretz, Blake Lively,
Alec Baldwin, Eddie Redmayne, Juliette Lewis, Rory Culkin, WHEN: August 14 A runaway from a small town, teenager Luli (Moretz) hitches her way to Vegas, leaving behind her alcoholic and abusive parents. Steady with a pistol and packing smarts and pocket of cash, Luli crosses paths with Eddie (Redmayne) an unhinged rebel with sketchy motives and Glenda (Lively), a cokehead drifter.
Totally useless fact: About one in every 30 American births results in twins.
Henshall, Louise Harris, Craig Coyne, Richard Green WHEN: August 14 Elizabeth Harveyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (Harris) boyfriend John Bunting (Henshall) takes her son Jamie (Pittaway) under his wing. The moral compass amongst his friends, Bunting and his crew form a neighborhood watch. Fueled by cigarettes and beer, the vigilante group leads a spree of torture and murder on anyone Bunting sees as deviant. Consumed by misguided hero worship, Jamie finds himself an accomplice to the chaos.
Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, WHEN: August 14 The Capitol of the Nation of Panem holds the Hunger Games. Each district within Panem must send a teenage boy and girl to compete in the games. Sixteenyear-old Katniss Everdeen volunteers for her younger sister and must rely on her instincts and knowledge when she is pitted against highly-trained Tributes in a fight for survival.
Bernie WHAT: Comedy WHO: Jack Black, Shirley
MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey WHEN: August 21 This docudrama depicts the relationship between a likable Texas mortician and a shrew widow. Bernie holds a reputation as a friendly and upstanding community member. Marjorie, on the other hand, sits bitter and alone at the other end of the spectrum. After Bernie shows Marjorie the slightest bit of kindness, she clings to the relationship as tight as she can. Like in any small town rumors being to spread, especially when her body winds up in her freezer. campus talk
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august 2012
I’m not as think as you drunk I am
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says, “Win $10,000; ask bartender for details.” He asks and the bartender says, “Well, you see that man at the end of the bar?” The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says, “If you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step. The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three. Those stairs next to the door go up to an 80-year-old hooker’s apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!” The drunk says okay and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says, “Okay, where’s the hooker with the sore tooth?”
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august 2012
Totally useless fact: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Totally useless fact: A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened
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august 2012
89
one liners!
p u k c Pi s e n i L
I’ve been . g in t a in c Fas ll ur eyes a o y t a g in look ause I’ve c ‘ , g n lo t nigh uch dark s n e e s r neve so much h it w s e y e em. light in th You’re
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ade that you m my me forget pickup li n
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Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you. Sorry, but you owe me a drink . Why?] Because wh en I looked at you, I dropped m ine.
If I had a star for every time you brightene d my day, I’d ha ve a galaxy in my hand.
n’t d l u o h You s up, e k a m wear ing s s e m it’s ion! t c e f r e with p 90
campus talk
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august 2012
Totally useless fact: In early drafts of the Back to the Future script, the time machine was built out of an old refrigerator.
hahahaha
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Doctor: Tell me what is your problem. Patient: I want to live for 100 years Doctor. Doctor: Do you smoke? Patient: No. Doctor: Do you drink? Patient: No. Doctor: Any girls... Patient: No, not at all. Doctor: If you don’t smoke, don’t drink and also no girls, why the @&*k do you want to live for a hundred years?
An obese hippie wanted to turn a new leaf and wanted to join the police force. But he was found overweight by 10 pounds (more than what was required to join the police force). He ran to the nearest barbershop and had a haircut. Now he was weighing just 2 pounds more than the limit. The police official in charge of the measurement said, “Look here son, whether you weigh 10 pounds more or two pounds more, rule is a rule. You have to weigh two more pounds lesser in order to become eligible for the police force recruitment.” The hippie said, “Don’t worry about it sir. I have yet to take a bath!”
A signboard outside a restaurant said, “Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill.” A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he could and when the waiter gave the bill he pointed to the signboard, “Don’t you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill.” The waiter said, “Sir, this is not your bill. This is your grandfather’s bill.”
A politician had hoarded lots of money and wanted to stash it in a Swiss bank account. He went to Switzerland but didn’t know how to proceed with the formalities of opening a secret bank account. He asked the hotel receptionist. The receptionist said, “Why sir, my friend works in the Swiss Bank and would be able to open you the secret bank account.” He took him to his friend and the politician handed him a million dollars and asked him to open the account. The receptionist’s friend gave him a piece of paper with the account number and told him, “Please guard this number and don’t give it to anyone. Open it after you reach home and keep it secretive.” The politician opened the piece of paper after he reached home and it was written on it: Your account number is 1. Please recommend our bank to your friend’s sir!
Totally useless fact: A snail can sleep for 3 years.
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august 2012
91
ooperatio c n It is through cooperation, rather than conflict, that your greatest successes will be derived
STRANGE SCIENCE!
Odd By Ami Gavarian
Bodily
Functions Explained Ever wonder why we fart after eating beans or why chopping an onion makes you tear up? If you’re like us, thoughts like these enslave your mind 24/7… especially the bean-fart origins. It’s time to step into the science lab and find out once and for all why our bodies behave the way they do. We promise there won’t be any pop quizzes when all’s said and done…
What Causes Goose Bumps?
We know goose bumps stem from coldness or fear, but that’s like the second grade explanation of this phenomenon. Scientifically known as piloerection (soak that one in for a second…), goose bumps occur when the tiny muscles at the base of each bodily hair contract. Originally, goose bumps were used as a self-heating device during the winter months. Now they’re just synonymous with utter fright. 94
campus talk
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august 2012
Why Do Some People Always Feel Cold? Where Do “Pins and Needles” Come From?
Known as parasthesia, the bodily feeling of pins and needles stems from a blockage of blood flow to a pressed nerve. Sitting too long in an awkward position that cuts off circulation will eventually numb the body part and cause a tingly sensation that we refer to as “pins and needles.” Parasthesia is usually relegated to the hands, feet and ankles.
Why Do We Cry When Chopping Onions?
Onions contain enzymes that produce a gas known as propanethial sulfoxide. When chopped or cut, onions release this enzyme, freeing it into the air where it eventually reaches your eyes. Once propanethial sulfoxide reacts with your tears, a mild sulfuric acid is produced. Your brain (doing the right thing, for once) instantly reacts by overflowing your tear glands with signals to shed tears.
Contrary to popular belief, body temperature is not regulated by your thermostat but rather your brain. The hypothalamus signals the body to emit heat in warm conditions and coolness in cold conditions (which leads to bodily reactions like sweating and shivering). Since iron plays a large role in this effect, people with anemia often feel chillier than others. Poor blood circulation can also lead to coolness throughout the body because certain extremities are deprived of heat.
Why Does Your Side Hurt Sometimes From Laughter?
Prolonged or heavy laughter is the direct result of overexertion of the diaphragm. Laughing a lot means you’re sucking in tons of air, which will fill the lungs and push down on the diaphragm at the same time your abdominal muscles are also contracting and pushing up on the diaphragm. The repeated process of this action, through excessive laughter, causes a muscle spasm known as a stitch. Apparently, you really can kill ‘em with laughter.
Totally useless fact: Jackals have one more pair of chromosomes than dogs or wolves.