Crocodile November 2015

crocodile the really independent florida

We’re super tight with the University of Florida

POW

ERE

DB

Y

We Inform.

You Accept.

EXTREME REITZ MAKEOVER What are they REALLY building?

Business student joins Vector Marketing

Are you faster than UF wifi?

Find out inside Meet the Crocodile staff

Op-ed: Why isn’t that girl wearing shoes?

Pizza by the Slice serves first sober customer

contents 6 Girl Finally Stops Dressing Up for Class

22 P izza By-The-Slice Serves First Sober Customer

6 Bookstore to Release “Midtown” Scented Candles

23 UF Student Graduates, Raises Family Before Snap Van Finally Arrives

10 Report: Construction Workers Just Banging on Stuff

24 Croc-ktails 25 Starbucks to Introduce “Just Coffee” This Winter

11 Reitz Makeover 12 Humans of UF 15 Student Lost in Turlington Since First Class 16 Sophomore Can Finally Wear UF18 Without Humiliation

26 Horoscopes 27 Business Student Joins Vector Marketing

17 Op Eds

27 Secret Pepsi™ Police Shut Down Coca-Cola Rally in Rawlings

18 Are You Faster Than UF Wi-Fi?

28 Classified

20 Anniversary Issue

4

The Really Independent Florida Crocodile

November 2015

Editor’s letter Greetings Loyal Crocodile Readers, You are holding the world’s first magazine produced for University of Florida students printed on vegetarian, gluten-free paper.

Oh, and also the first edition of the new and improved Crocodile.

F

or those of you who don’t know, The Crocodile was started in November 2013, when a few cheeky little rascals decided to print up a horribly-formatted satire newspaper at Target Copy in the middle of the night.

From there, our design was improved upon, staff morale mercilessly whipped into submission, and two years later here we are – with a full-size magazine and the top visited website in Gainesville and Czechoslovakia. I would like to thank our biggest supporter: my mom. I would also like to say that none of this would have been possible without the refreshing and energizing taste of Pepsi™, and our staff I guess.

As you read some of the passages ahead, we ask that you take a few moments to stop and reflect on your life. Why are you really here? Are you part of a greater purpose? Or, if you would rather, simply use the jokes as a sweet escape from the crushing grip of reality and the looming deadlines of your academic life.

We at The Really Independent Florida Crocodile hope you enjoy our work.

Mind our sponsors, Poseidon Crocodile Overlord and Janitor

crocodile contributors Editor-in-chief

Peyton S.

Content Editor

Peyton S.

Contributing writers

Peyton S. Amalie B. Bayley W. Eric H. Max C. Michael S. Zachary L.

Photographers

Security Team Delta

Loan shark

Moral support

Hairdresser

Special thanks to

Eric H. Bianca F. Kaitlin M.

[redacted] Sharon F.

Russian-English Translator

Sergey T.

Comic artist

merina c.

Bryan B. Trevor S. Cleyton H.

Email

staff@thecrocodile.org Online

thecrocodile.org

A Fresh Start for a New Year (Blah, Blah ... Blah) College towns permeate the feeling of fresh starts, new ideas and new beginnings – and all of those other generic, self-improvement crap clichés. Despite the overuse of such concepts, the ability to seize – or embrace (ick) – those “fresh start” moments are important in life and in your progression into the scary post-college world.

W

ith this notion, Campus Talk has also decided to make some major steps toward the expression of new ideas and vision for the new year and we thought what better way than with the fresh minds and styles of “the really independent florida Crocodile”.

Satire, wit and on-site “news” stories can be found throughout the new-look magazine – a great distraction from all those upcoming tests and major life decisions bearing down before your test-ridden minds.

We welcome you to join Croc and Campus Talk as we transition to yet another year of “fresh starts” and “new beginnings”, laughing our way into 2016.

Daniel Sutphin

(No mythical god assigned)

Mom

Monster Energy Meatball subs Johannes Gutenberg Sushi Chao spicy cream chicken Google The United States Federal Reserve This magazine is rated EFH for Extremely Freakin’ Hilarious.

EFH

[WHP – A diversified marketing & publishing organization]

campus talk contributors Editor-IN-CHIEF

Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR

Daniel Sutphin

art director

DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design

Jane Dominguez Daniel Tidbury

Contributing Writers

Marc Douglass Lauren Douglass Daniel Sutphin John Scheck Mike Capshaw kirsten neilsen Elizabeth putfark

Promotions

Amanda Liles Karen Jones

director of advertising

Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com distributed by

street teams, inc.

phone:

(352) 371.5881 email:

mail@mycampustalk.com snail mail:

P.O. Box 143053 Gainesville, Fl 32614 visit online :

mycampustalk.com

Campus talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, campus talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.”

Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of campus talk magazine or its staff.

Campus talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, what’s happening publications, inc.

Campus talk is licensed for publishing rights in florida to whp, inc. other markets are available. for information on owning campus talk in another city, please contact us.

November 2015

Tyler Perry’s Independent Florida Crocodile

5

Breaking:

Girl finally stops dressing up for class UF student and first-semester freshman has finally stopped putting an unusual amount of effort into her outfits just to go to class.

B

Rice ready for her 8:30 a.m. lecture.

ecka Rice, 18, has been a cause for celebration and joy in the student body this week, after she finally gave up on looking presentable for her classmates and teachers on a daily basis.

Rice had previously been putting absurd amounts of energy into her personal appearance, including waking up over an hour before her first class to shower and sometimes even wearing skirts or dresses just because she “wanted to.”

“Honestly I found it extremely offensive,” Said Jessica Leo, a fellow classmate in Rice’s 8:30 a.m. lecture. “I shouldn’t have to feel bad for wearing men’s sweatpants with slippers to my 2nd period class.”

However, Rice’s peers no longer have to worry about looking bad in comparison to an amount of put-togetherness that is usually

reserved for graduation or football games, as Becka showed up to a class discussion Monday in a coffee-stained T-shirt and leggings.

“I woke up with a cold this morning,” Rice sniffled to reporters. “I just didn’t feel like getting out of bed until I had to, I hope I don’t offend anyone with how I look – I don’t even have mascara on.”

Rice reportedly assured friends that day that she would be back to her normal, well-groomed self in no time. Yet, since then there have been multiple sightings of Rice in the same leggings and even a pair of stained sweatpants that confirm the theory she has finally adapted to the college dress code. ‖ Update: Rice has since been spotted at Goodwill browsing the XL t-shirts.

written By Anaxarete

Bookstore to release ‘Midtown’ scented candle Campus officials spoke to press early Tuesday morning, discussing the highly anticipated release of Campus Candles™.

F

ounder and CEO of the new candle company, Todd Nostral, released a statement to students and prospective buyers: “I wanted these candles to really evoke the sense that you were standing in Gainesville. When you light a Campus Candle™, you’re opening your senses to the world that is student life at UF.” Predestined to be a bestseller is Nostral’s personal favorite,

6

‘Midtown.’ Said to have extracts of Kentucky Gentleman and rotten pizza, this candle truly gives users the Midtown experience, simply through smell.

“I bought this candle for my boyfriend,” said UF junior Kelly Schneider. “I wanted it to remind him of the place we met: waiting in line at Pizza by the Slice at 1 a.m.

There’s nothing more romantic than

The lactose-intolerant Florida Crocodile

being able to be transported back to that magical moment when he cut me in line and I gave him my snapchat.”

Most pre-sales of the ‘Midtown’ candle have been made by seniors, reports showed.

Whether it be the burning desire to feel as if they’re drunkenly meandering the garbage-riddled parking lot by Relish, or the tranquil fragrance of the place dreams go to die, seniors can’t seem to stay away

from this all-time favorite candle scent.

Nostral included in his statement a list of scents students should be expecting from Campus Candles™: ‘Krishna Lunch at the Plaza,’ ‘Broward Hall Bathroom,’ ‘Old Professor Smell,’ ‘Fraternity Gentleman’s Boat Shoes,’ and ‘That Girl Who Brought Lunch to Class.’ ‖ written By Atropos

November 2015

A D O B E M AY B E S H E ’ S B O R N W I T H I T. M AY B E I T ’ S P H O T O S H O P.

REITZ MAKEOVER We have received exclusive information from an unnamed construction worker that the Reitz Union renovations will be finally finished “maybe sometime soon during a semester.” In addition to this, the anonymous source gave the Crocodile the inside scoop on exactly what’s being built.

Here are a few of the rooms that have yet to be unveiled to the public.

Taco Bell 24-hour PG-themed rave

Sponsored by Gator Nights, this rave is sure to be a hit every night of the week. The music will be free of bad language and there will be constant supervision, so kids are welcome.

Don’t let them drink too much soda pop though!

The University has finally listened to students’ requests and built a Taco Bell!

Unfortunately it will only serve traditional Gator Dining food and not Taco Bell food, but it will reportedly still have Baja Blast which is really all that matters.

An entire hotel

Wow! The Reitz is breaking records by building a fully-functioning hotel inside.

Anyone can rent a room and there will be even be a whole information desk downstairs.

The Pepsi™ lounge

This is a posh business area made for the most dignified students and traveling businessmen. It’s a perfect place to enjoy a refreshing cold beverage and monitor your stock portfolio.

8

The kid-tested, parent-approved Florida Crocodile

November 2015

Indoor football practice field

The UAA decided to spend even more money and build this giant field. The need was realized after one football player told sponsors that “the sun is icky and makes me sticky.”

18 more ballrooms

Clearance bookstore

This mini-bookstore has only the most affordable bargain-priced items, unlike the regular bookstore downstairs. Students can expect to find textbooks and graphing calculators for $500 or less. Get shopping!

The Reitz didn’t think they had enough empty and unused ballrooms, so they built 18 more to satisfy demand. They expect all of them to be used by dance teams because of the new rules banning dancing at the stadium.

Under construction

Some nostalgic workers decided to leave one room under construction just for old time’s sake. This off-limits room will feature pallets of lumber, hard hats, and even Mike’s cordless drill.

McElwain’s throne room

This room features a gilded throne for Florida head coach Jim McElwain. This is actually a last-minute revision as beforehand it was set up as a torture chamber for Muschamp in between games.

November 2015

The Crocodile, your over-the-counter news supplement

9

Report:

The building across from the CLB has become a veritable “bang-fest.”

Construction workers just banging on stuff T

he numerous construction sites around the University of Florida have been recently revealed to actually be just a bunch of dudes banging on stuff.

The shocking revelation, uncovered by construction management major Jason Bowes, has rocked the University.

“I thought they were making buildings, laying bricks, all that,” Bowes said. “Turns out they’re just making a bunch of noise with tools.”

Many of the half-finished buildings have also been found to be structurally unsound.

Although the lack of blueprints may be to blame, many are beginning to suspect that it is actually the workers’ faults.

“Every morning we just each take

a hammer from the hammer pile and go to town,” One worker told reporters. “I thought at least someone was actually doing the building.”

This new information means that all of the University’s building projects will have to be delayed until further notice.

The Reitz Union is not expected to be completed until early 2024, with the chemistry building following in 2028.

Whatever the heck they’re building next to Pugh Hall may stay unfinished forever.

Students have been assured

by UF administration that the delays will not be a problem and that funding will simply be deducted from their tuition. ‖ written By Poseidon

The metal makes even louder banging, one worker explains.

10

The detial-oriented Florida Crocodile

November 2015

Show School Spirit in style Carry Gator-pride on your sleeve with Dooney & Bourke’s Signature Collegiate Collection

G

et in the spirit of the season (football season, that is!) with what’s destined to become your favorite new accessory: a fan-tastic piece from Dooney & Bourke’s Signature Collegiate Collection.

The new Signature Collegiate Collection features timeless handbag and accessory styles emblazoned with college-specific logos and mascots. Stay true to the Orange-and-Blue for yourself and friends, or shop the logos of 32 different schools for a gift for your hardest-to-buy-for relative.

Each item in the coated canvas Collegiate Collection boasts a lightweight, sleek design that’s as functional as it is fashionable. Choose from a wide selection of contemporary styles, from Zip Satchels and Crossbodies to Hobos, Clutches and Wristlets. Spacious interiors provide enough room to carry all your essentials, while stylish bridle leather straps provide hands-free options crucial for tailgating and cruising around campus.

Best of all, the water and soil repellent fabric used in the entire Collegiate Collection makes cleaning a breeze.

So no more crying over spilled beer!

The perfect gift for a recent grad, proud parent, or die-hard fan, each accessory is guaranteed to make a statement under the Christmas tree. ‖ $58–$248 www.dooney.com/ collegiate-landing-grid.html

November 2015

11

humans of UF

I

Q

M

T

t’s my first year at college so I’m pretty pumped to be on my own.

What I’m most excited for, though, is the dining hall because my mom got me the unlimited plan. Like, I can eat whatever I want whenever I want! I know everyone is all “watch out out for the freshman 15” but that’s sort of a myth and I plan on hitting the gym anyway.

Did you know you can just take however many cookies you want??

y mom was a legacy of Alpha Sigma Sigma over at University of Phoenix so I got into the new chapter here with no problem. I don’t really know what sororities do, but I’m hoping we get some yummy pizza or something at our dinners. I can’t wait to meet tons of cool and unique people that think just like me!!!

12

uite frankly, I’m a little tired of these stupid freshmen everywhere. I mean technically I’m one too but I was here for Summer B so I’m pretty experienced. You could even say I know the ropes better than some of even the juniors here. Plus I went to all the coolest parties last semester. It’s sort of weird though because none of my friends from then have called me yet.

his is the year I’m finally going to find out who I really am.

I mean, I should have been doing that the past two years but it’s hard. It’s just way easier to go to parties and glide through all my classes without a second thought. I think I’m set on Business, but I really suck at stats so I might wuss out and just do something with the College of Journalism.

The 99.9% bacteria free* Florida Crocodile

November 2015

K

eep this on the down low but I used to be a huge proponent of Swamp Party. I had a bunch of shirts, evangelized before elections, you know. I’m still not entirely sure what they stood for but all my friends were doing it so I thought I’d join in. Now that they’re gone, I’m changing my vote to Squirrel Party!

I

think I only got a 94 on that last chemistry test. I know I messed up a question about what happens to a molecule if you heat it to exactly 15° Celsius and then remove the top branch of electrons.

I’m never going to go anywhere in life with grades like that. At least I got the bonus question about the professor’s favorite snack.

T

his is for what? The Crocodile? I’m not being a part of your stupid fake magazine. Go away or I’m calling campus security.

I

’m a pledge of Delta Iota Chi this semester. I’ve never really been into Greek life, but this frat is just so awesome. Guess how we got hazed! Oh wait, uh, we totally didn’t.

I’m using my student loans to pay the $6,700 per semester dues, but I know it’ll be worth it because of the lifelong friends I’ll make. ‖

November 2015

The Crocodile, a healthy choice™

13

Student has been lost in Turlington since first class

Police responded to a call early this morning that a lost and emaciated freshman had been found in Turlington Hall.

A

ccording to the report, the call was made after a maintenance worker, Mike Buley, 41, discovered a student fast asleep under a desk in one of the many classrooms in the building.

Our sources reported that the aforementioned student, Annie Daley, Freshman, was found healthy, though clearly had been wandering the labyrinth of halls for many days inside University of Florida’s infamously confusing structure.

“I knew right away what had happened,” claimed Buley. “Once I saw her UF19 shirt and preview lanyard I realized she must have been in here for days. Those poor freshman can never find their way out of here, even with their danged campus maps.”

Daley was taken back to her dorm in Beaty Towers by authorities after being prescribed a bottle of blue Gatorade, and was given confirmed absence from her classes which included What is

November 2015

the Good Life, Man’s Food, Statistics and American History from 1877.

After she had recovered enough to speak, Annie relayed her horrifying story to our reporters: “I was walking to my first Good Life discussion when I saw the elevators and thought I would avoid the heat. But as soon as I got to the upper level I realized I had made a horrible mistake,” She mourned. “I just couldn’t find the exit anywhere. I even tried to call my preview staffer because he said he would always be there for me, but it said the number was invalid.”

Fortunately, Annie’s story ended positively. In an attempt to help prevent such a situation from ever happening again, she informed us that she will be posting in the Class of 2019 asking if anyone wanted to meet up to walk to class together. ‖ This article was featured in September 2015 on thecrocodile.org. Visit us online for more frequent updates!

written By Anaxarete

Crocojldfkdslfhlulieshfieyjdfhak

15

Sophomore can finally wear UF18 shirt without humiliation A second-year UF student made an exciting discovery this week, when he realized he can finally wear the class shirt he received at preview without being severely mocked.

B

illy Lamio, 19-year-old engineering major, told reporters that due to a lack of clean clothes, he found himself leaving his Buckman dorm wearing the very same UF18 shirt he had been avoiding since his first week of classes.

“I never would have thought that not learning how to do basic chores like laundry would backfire,” Lamio said. “But once I realized I was going to have to wear that dreaded shirt, I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it through the day.”

Class shirts are notoriously looked down upon

16

in the student community, equal to offenses such as wearing lanyards or man sandals. But Lamio’s experience seems to prove that the shirts have lost their negative connotation, and hundreds of sophomores are celebrating their newly-found freedom.

“When I saw Billy wearing that thing, I couldn’t believe it,” Said Jessica Lorry, Lamio’s current girlfriend.

“People were actually making eye contact with him, and not one person pretended to throw up.”

Once word spread about Lamio’s discovery, the UF18 shirts have taken over campus; the true

The “I wonder if we can fit ads down here” Florida Crocodile

sign of acceptance being when sorority girls began to wear the larger sizes over their running shorts. Some second-year students were even seen receiving victorious high fives and tearful embraces as they joined the ranks of the superior upperclassmen.

There is no indication of how long one must wait to wear their class shirt, but Lorry informed our reporters via social media that the UF19 shirts are still “totally lame” and asks all freshman to “plz burn those lol.” ‖ written By Anaxarete

November 2015

Five minutes in Turlington

November 2015

The all-new galaxy S6, presented by the Florida Crocodile

17

op eds Are YOU Why isn’t that girl wearing shoes?

I wouldn’t call myself a germaphobe, but isn’t it a little weird to go barefoot around campus?

I

was walking out of Library West today and I saw this girl, totally normal looking – at least until I realized she was completely barefoot. Just strolling around the Plaza. As if she wasn’t collecting thousands of viruses through her skin with every step.

Maybe she had lost her shoes, or someone made her a bet that she could gross out the largest number of people on campus, otherwise it just doesn’t make any sense. Was she so wrapped up in studying for a test this morning that she lost all sense of dignity? I can’t take anyone seriously after seeing the soles of their feet like that.

She looked a little sad, so I assumed it was because of normal reasons like no purpose in life or the line at Starbucks being really long, but it would also make sense if she was sad that someone stole her shoes.

Should I go back and ask if she needs help filing a police report?

God, no, I don’t think I can look at those bare toes again. ‖

Can someone please help my tech-illiterate professor?

If I have to sit through one more lecture where my professor can’t figure out how to turn on the volume on his computer, I am going to tear that stupid console to shreds.

E

very class, he shows up and spends at least 25 minutes pressing buttons trying to figure out the best way to play some shaky handheld video that he says really “visually explains what the lecture is about.” Usually until some kind soul gets up there and presses the “unmute” button for him.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to need glasses after he couldn’t figure out how to change the settings to play a movie in full screen last week. That was when I realized he genuinely needs help.

If anyone knows the difference between Google and Youtube, how to exit out of windows for Norton AntiVirus, or has a typing speed of over 12 words per minute, I will pay you the rest of my year’s tuition to replace (or at least assist) Professor McMoulty.

I’m done with spending 50 minutes of my life watching an elderly man painstakingly type in “www” before everything he puts in the search bar. ‖

18

faster than UF Wi-Fi?

Take the quiz and find out!

1) Out of the following, which would you consider to be your favorite daily activity?

A) W atching paint dry on an old wooden wall B) L ooking from afar at the progressive erosion of a seaside cliff C) S itting quietly in a pasture as you watch the grass grow around you 2) Which of the following animals do you most closely resemble?

A) A sloth B) A three-legged tortoise C) A snail with nowhere to be 3) “If I have to wait in line, it might as well be at...”

A) T he DMV on the Tuesday after Labor Day B) K ohl’s, 3 hours before the doors open for Black Friday C) A ny Chick-Fil-A in Gainesville

4) Which of the following sporting events would you rather watch?

A) A little league tee-ball championship that goes to extra innings B) A chess match against a chatty Rosie O’Donnell C) Golf 5) Out of the moments below, which seems to fly right by you as it happens?

A) T he rest of class after your fart is louder than expected B) B eing in that modest side-hug after a reunion with an old high school pal C) “ Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, you too!”

If you picked A the most: CONGRATULATIONS! You’re faster than UF Wi-Fi! If you picked B the most: CONGRATULATIONS! You’re faster than UF Wi-Fi! If you picked C the most: CONGRATULATIONS! You’re faster than UF Wi-Fi!

The only-failed-out-of-business-school-once Florida Crocodile

November 2015

* Just kidding! Please don't cheat... the world's a dumb enough place already.

FLOOR PLANS FILLING UP FAST! RESERVE YOUR SPACE TODAY!

Pizza by the Slice serves first sober customer A shocking report has come in that Pizza by the Slice has served its first sober customer.

T

he Midtown restaurant has served illegally intoxicated patrons since 1934, when it was founded by a drunk student who ordered Domino’s to a tiny alleyway right next to Gator City.

“Wow, thish would be a good shpot for pizzsha,” Jimmy Slice, founder of Pizza by the Slice, told his friends. The rest is history.

Since its founding, the six-foot-wide pizza establishment has not served a single customer who was not under the influence of a controlled substance. It has been especially popular with UF students going to clubs and buzzed dads visiting town for football games. “…” One passed-out patron told reporters as people awkwardly stepped around his body.

The sober customer, Brittany Comes, reportedly had

22

The under-construction Florida Crocodile

a desire for pizza and walked over from her Murphree dorm to get it. “It’s not that weird, I just wanted pizza,” Comes said.

Pizza by the Slice is hoping that Comes will set an example by showing that their pizza can indeed be consumed by sober humans.

Although the pizza is claimed to be delicious when it’s eaten, no one can seem to remember exactly how it tasted the next day. This makes it an appealing option for postmidnight Midtown cuisine.

UPDATE: New reports indicate that Comes was actually a little buzzed. ‖ Further update: An eyewitness claims that Comes was stumbling around Midtown covered in pizza sauce and clearly more inebriated than initially thought.

Written by Poseidon

November 2015

UF student graduates, raises family before SNAP van finally arrives A special report was brought to the Crocodile recently regarding an incident that took place in 1985, where a UF alumnus claims that his requested SNAP van simply never showed up.

A

freshman at the time, engineering student Tom Puckett had just finished a debilitating day at the gym when he felt as if he was in no shape to make the long trudge back to his dorm in Jennings Hall.

Still in his freshman honeymoon phase, Puckett was eager to use every resource he could get his hands on in the shortest possible period of time, and thought that this was the perfect opportunity to call upon the illustrious Student Nighttime Auxiliary Patrol.

Puckett dialed their number that was posted in the gym and smiled at his first successful feat of maturity. He walked out to the pick-up point on the side of the road and was excited to experience his first real taste of voluntary university transit.

For the next hour and a half Puckett waited. And waited. “It felt like an eternity to me, it could’ve been days for all I know. I just wanted to get back to Jennings as quickly as

November 2015

possible,” Puckett said.

As the sun fell down below the horizon, Puckett’s hopes fell with it. He was left with the only option of army-crawling his way back to Jennings, a painful and humiliating process.

“I was mad, sure, but I understand that they’re busy. I showered up when I got back and I honestly forgot all about it,” Puckett said.

Puckett went on to have a successful career as a Gator, and graduated in 1989 in the top 5% of his class. That same year Puckett would go on to marry the love of his life and together they experienced the joys of their firstborn child.

This past September, Tom Puckett brought his family to visit Gainesville to give them a piece of his rich educational history.

It was when the Puckett family was passing the gym on their way to visit his old dorm that they were able to get a genuine glimpse

into his past.

“Sure enough, coming over the hill was a white van barreling right towards us. I thought, ‘this can’t be happening’ but there it was, pulling in right in front of me 30 years later.” Puckett said.

The report claims that the drivers, fatigued from sitting in a van for 3 decades, were finally able to roll down the window and lean out to the Puckett family.

“Jennings? Hop on in,” one driver said smugly.

The Puckett family boarded the van and headed on their way to Jennings Hall at long last.

“Better late than never,” Puckett concluded.

When the Crocodile reached out to the SNAP drivers for further comment, they declined saying they were in a hurry to pick up a passenger who called in 1977. ‖

El cocodrilo realmente independiente de la Florida

Written by Maximus

23

Croc-ktails

Tired of rum and coke or flat Four Loko?

Impress your friends with the Crocodile’s exclusive drink recipes. They’re guaranteed to make you the star of any party. The Crocodile only endorses legal, responsible drinking.

“Exploratory Marjorita” • All your parents’ money • A pinch of self-doubt • Anything else that looks good

“The Florida Pool” • Vodka • Chlorine • A little bit of pee • Ice

24

M

“Party Girl’s Painkiller”

T

“The Dining Hall Surprise”

ix everything together, even the stuff you’re “pretty sure” you won’t like.

Leave the drink for 2–3 years.

Eventually realize that you don’t like any of it and move back in with your parents.

his one’s a real treat for those hot days. Mix the vodka and chlorine, then add the pee for that genuine public pool taste. Pour over ice and garnish with small umbrella if desired.

• Malibu • Cranberry juice • 5 hour energy • Ibuprofen (finely ground)

P

our ingredients into chug mug and take to frat party of your choice. This is a multi-faceted drink that will combat UTIs while keeping you awake to party.

It’s everything a girl needs in one body-numbing cocktail.

R

ejoice, meal plan lovers.

Pour the everclear into one of the plastic dining hall cups and proceed to fill it with every • Smuggled-in Everclear • Any refreshing Pepsi™ beverage soda. Make sure to try tasty Cheerwine™ available only • Questionably sanitary ice through Pepsico™. ‖ (sponsored by Pepsi™)

The Really Independent Florida Crocodile, now with electrolytes

November 2015

STARBUCKS TO INTRODUCE “JUST COFFEE” THIS WINTER Starbucks has been a trendsetter since its very conception, and in a groundbreaking press conference, CEO Howard Schultz said that his company has the next big thing lined up for the holiday season.

“J

ust coffee!” Schultz exclaimed. “We’ll serve it hot, in paper cups, and you can ask for cream and sugar!”

Applause erupted from a crowd of hipsters that all took the same Uber to get to the press conference, and then used that very same Uber later to meet up later at the nearest Starbucks.

The endless population of coffee-addicts at UF took up fierce stances on Starbucks’ newest item, causing rifts in friendships and harsh but pretty vague tweets.

“I’m extremely excited for just coffee,” said sophomore Mary Little.

“No whipped cream or chocolate drizzle, I can’t even imagine what it looks like!”

However, some students like Mocha Chanel don’t think “just coffee” is good for the industry. “It has nothing to do with the holiday spirit: it’s bland and boring like my 8:30 lecture,” said the junior. She later swore that she is not named after a Frappuccino flavor, but the Crocodile staff would have none of it. “It’s stupid and it has no peppermint,” the Frappuccino said.

Starbucks plans to begin selling “just coffee” during winter months in hopes that the hot beverage would be sought after to warm up the bellies of cold patrons.

“That’s the beauty of innovation,” Schultz said. “In bringing a new twist to our craft, we’ve stumbled upon a use of coffee that its inventors surely never thought of.”

With a new taste and controversy surrounding the drink, “just coffee” will bring in millions of dollars in revenue for Starbucks.

In hopes of mirroring the same trend, local ice cream shop Karma Cream made a big announcement about slimming down their menu for the holidays.

“We’re going to serve just cream!” ‖ Written by Helios

November 2015

We have puppies & Kittens Who need foster homes & forever homes!

leaSHeS, FooD, & vet Care inCluDeD PluS Free Dog training at Dream Dogz BeHavior Center.

Call Haile’s angels Pet rescue at 352.505.0302 or email hailesangelspetrescue@gmail.com for info. no room to foster? You can still help! Please volunteer or make a donation. medical Care, Laser surgery, therapeutic Laser treatments, dentistry, pet supplies, natural pet food, Boarding, Grooming, adoptions, house Calls available

5231 SW 91St Drive, Haile village Center • 352.377.6003 • HaileanimalCliniC.Com

Share a Pepsi™ with the Really Independent Florida Crocodile

25

horoscopes Aries

Leo

Sagittarius

Do NOT take any supplements unless directly prescribed to you by a dietitian

You will get a paper cut from a flyer in Turlington that will develop into a slightly larger paper cut over time. You will probably complain to all of your friends about it.

You actually are pretty cool, despite what your friends say behind your back.

Taurus Remember to always be true to yourself, and quit leaving your dishes in the sink for a week, Kevin.

Capricorn Virgo A greasy looking guy will ask you to sign a petition. You will say that you are not registered to vote in the state of Florida, and you will only feel a little guilty about it.

Gemini Follow your heart. Make sure you use a sharp scalpel, so that you can remove your heart from the chest cavity, then throw it and see where it lands.

Aquarius Libra

Ask again later.

Academic success is in your future. It may not be this week, and it may not be for that big exam you have coming up, but eventually you’ll get some kind of good grade.

Pisces

Cancer Jumping into Lake Alice isn’t the best idea right now. Next month, kid, next month.

You’re gonna wear stripes with plaid one day coming up. It’s just inevitable. There’s nothing you can do now. Maybe if you had worked harder as a kid.

Scorpius

I know you’re thinking about not getting Chick-Fil-A for lunch because it’s “bad for you”, but what does any of that really mean on the universal scale of time?

The prophecy has begun. You must act now!

Before it’s too late!

26

The Independent Florida Alligator

November 2015

Business student joins Vector Marketing One special student in the Heavener School of Business has recently decided to start “making progress” and “working for himself.”

“

I’m proud to announce that I’m starting my own business with Vector Marketing,” Jason Shoreland, freshman, told reporters and everyone else within earshot. “It’s totally legit,” He then added.

Shoreland’s business is reportedly actually based on “multi-level marketing,” a term that Shoreland uses often but doesn’t seem to know the real meaning of.

Since joining Vector, the self-proclaimed entrepreneur has gone through his Facebook friends list one-by-one to offer his “unique job opportunity” to everyone he has ever met.

Reports indicate that Shoreland has also just been adding random members of the Class of 2019 page in the hopes that someone from there will join him.

“Wanna buy some knives?” Shoreland asked Crocodile reporters at least six times.

Friends of Shoreland have told reporters that he has now become an insufferable walking advertisement for the pyramid scheme.

“He doesn’t understand that you’re not supposed to pay to have a job,” one of his friends said.

Reports indicate that Shoreland’s friends’ disapproval is only bolstering his resolve to put everything he has into Vector Marketing. He has been seen handing out shoddy business cards in Turlington and erecting signs that offer “$14.50 per base appointment.”

Our sources have told us that he has not yet actually made any money, only lost roughly $500 in membership and supply costs.

As of press time, Shoreland was seen posing next to a Porsche that he found in a parking lot for his new Facebook profile picture. ‖ written By Poseidon

November 2015

Secret Pepsi™ Police shut down Coca-Cola rally in Rawlings A pro-Coca-Cola rally in Rawlings area was shut down earlier this semester by an enigmatic secret police force.

T

he underground group known to students as the “Pepsi™ Police” has been operating in hiding at the University of Florida since 1973.

The force is dedicated to promoting Pepsi™ beverages and crushing Coca-Cola based opposition all over campus. They reportedly use blackmail and even physical violence to achieve their goals.

“I was drinking a Coke that I got from Jimmy John’s and brought to campus,” [redacted] told reporters. “Next thing I knew, someone hit me over the head and I woke up in Marston holding a refreshing Diet Pepsi™.”

While some Pepsi™ agents work in the open, reports indicate that many sleeper cells exist in every facet of UF life.

A member of UF staff, [redacted], revealed the following information: “They’ve

recruited everyone from professors to that kid who’s always sleeping in class.

They’re actually just listening for pro-Coke speech!”

Many students don’t take the Pepsi™ Police threat seriously, writing off their existence as “crazy” or “a conspiracy.”

A single pro-Coke group remains alive on campus, encouraging students to keep up the fight against our Pepsi™ overlords and to “take down the Pepsiarchy.”

The group, known as the Coca-Cola Conquistadors, smuggle in the banned drink from other campuses. To date, they have imported an estimated 900 kilos of Coke and Diet Coke in various states of refrigeration.

They could not be reached at press time, although some blood and sugary residue was found where they were supposed to meet. ‖

The 80-proof Florida Crocodile

written By Poseidon

27

classified Orange sign – $25

Lightly used orange barricade sign. Use this to save your parking spot or block off areas.

You could even get a little creative and paint it a different color, but it’s bright enough as is. Must pick up.

Starbucks drink – $2.27

This drink is half gone so it’s only half price.

It was originally a pumpkin spice latte but I added a quirky little twist to it by adding four extra packets of sugar and just a dash of cinnamon. Be aware that my name is actually Kaelia.

Handful of acorns – $1

I’ve been gathering acorns for a couple weeks now and I want to turn this hobby into a business. This particular handful has a few really nice ‘corns in there that are sure to make anyone happy. Try giving them to your friends as unique and thoughtful gifts.

Crocodile stickers – always free

Some aesthetically pleasing stickers featuring our very own President Kent Fuchs. Some of the best graphic designers in the nation made this wonderful work of art that has now been mass produced and is able to stick to anything. Please don’t stick to skin.

Rare Alligator paper – Free

I found this rare limited edition print of the Alligator the other day so I saved it. It’s a little crumpled but I think that gives it a more vintage feel. Great for framing in an office or even archiving for later viewing. This is the last one so hurry up!

Used bike – $100

This bike has a little bit of wear-and-tear, but is still pretty much new. Could use a little grease in the chain, but that’s about it.

Smooth rider, but if you get on some nice asphalt you can really pedal hard and see what this baby can do. Price is firm, please do not lowball.

28

The cumulo-nimbus Florida Crocodile

Weird-colored bicycle – $50

This beauty comes in a unique color scheme and has recently replaced brakes after an incident that involved a couple squirrels.

It says “Agency” on it, but I’m trying to figure out which agency it belongs to. I wish they had been a little more specific so I could bring it back to them. This bike would be great for a Millennial! ‖

November 2015

Staff Page

Contrary to popular belief, the Crocodile is not run by faceless robots. It’s run by faceless people, just like you. Here are some bios of people who helped out on this magazine.

Poseidon

Anaxarete

Atropos

Helios

Maximus

I

I

I

I

I

founded the Crocodile two years ago. Back then, I was nothing but an unfunny loser. Now I’m an unfunny loser that brought you this magazine. Funny how times change, eh? I love Monster Energy, bagels, and rambunctious music.

I am also a strong advocate of the Oxford comma. In addition to my duties of everything, I am also the Crocodile’s official janitor. See you all next issue!

’m Poseidon’s righthand woman. I feed him his medication every day, as well as secretly control everything the Crocodile does. I also bake really tasty treats for our meetings to keep morale high. I love pennies and pick them up off the floor all the time. That’s actually how we saved up enough to print this issue!

’m a new Crocodile member, but I’m already the most organized out of all of them. I actually write my notes in a book, rather than on a Google Doc that gets lost two hours later. I’m a big proponent of Squirrel Party, and am developing their campaign for next year!

eat all of the cookies at meetings and everything in Poseidon’s fridge. Whenever we edit Crocodile articles, I make sure to litter his apartment with Rockstar Energy cans and melted ice cream. I also love to fight and care for my pet moth.

’m secretly a sportscaster wearing a student suit.

Czech out the rest of our staff in our next issues!

EAT

Pizza Partner of the Florida Gators® November 2015

The Florida Crocodile, a required reading for HUM2305

29