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Katsu Chicken or Pork Bulgogi Chicken or Beef philly roll Cajun Chicken crab, cream cheese,avocado, scallions, masago Gen Tso Chicken yoshi roll conch, crab, cucumber, masago, spicy mayo Beef or Chicken w/ Broccoli chicken tempura roll Thai Curry Chicken tempura chicken, mayo, eel sauce Spicy Cream Chicken florida roll Red Curry tuna, salmon, cream cheese, avocado, masago WeBeef now carry a large selection of Wood, Bone and Horn Plugs and Jewelry. Vegetable Stirfry mt fuji roll crab, tempura shrimp, scallions, masago, CUSTOM TATTOOS, BODY AND DERMAL Cantonese Pork Chop topped with crab delite and eel sauce PIERCINGS, ONE OF A KIND ARTIST DESIGNED T-SHIRTS, Pad Thai Chicken or ORGANIC Tofu PLUGS & JEWELRY, unagi roll BODY JEWELRY, GIFT CERTIFICATES EXPIRES:Shrimp 08/15/12 www.gatorbucks.com Ginger broiled eel, cucumber, masago, eel sauce Szechuan Chicken special mexican roll tempura shrimp, cream cheese, avocado, topped Mongolian Beef
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slices of broiled eel over Cali Roll with eel sauce
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2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com
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Teriyaki Chick T Katsu Chicken K crab delite roll crab delite roll shredded crab mixed shredded with Japanese crab mixed mayo with Japanese mayo 25% OFF Bulgogi Chick B YOUR PURCHASE philly roll philly roll Cajun Chicken C crab, cream cheese,avocado, crab, cream scallions, cheese,avocado, masago scallions, masago Gen Tso Chic G yoshi roll yoshi roll conch, crab, cucumber, conch, masago, crab, cucumber, spicy mayo masago, spicy mayo Beef or Chick B chicken tempura chicken roll tempura roll Thai Curry Chi T tempura chicken, mayo, tempura eel sauce chicken, mayo, eel sauce Spicy CreamS florida roll florida roll
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2100 NE 39th Ave
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Chicken Katsu Udon Soup
Japanese thick udon noodles or Korean noodles in an Asian flavored broth
Szechuan Beef Noodle Soup 7 5NIVERSITY !VE s 'AINESVILLE &,
avocado, cucumber, carrots, scallions, topped with fried tofua
veggie delite roll
slices of broiled eel over Cali Roll with eel sauce
REGULAR PRICE.
OFF
across from Tar 224-512
Garlic Chicken Curry Katsu Chicken Shrimp Tempura Hair Cut & Hot Lathered Sweet and Sour Chicken Neck Shave Spicy Korean Chicken or Shrimp
Outdoor patio Outd se s (OURS -n& s AMn PM both convenient bothl
$2
broiled eel, cream cheese, avocado, masago, eel sauce
ying yang roll
slices of tuna over Cali roll
avocado, cucumbers, carrots, cream cheese, scallions
slices of salmon over slices caliof roll salmon over cali roll dragon roll
SINCE 1983
BUY ONE GET ONE
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tempura shrimp, cream tempura cheese, shrimp, avocado, cream cheese, avocado, tokyo rose roll eel sauce eel sauce
veggie roll $7.50
with ebi, eel sauce, and spicy mayo
Bento
Noodle Soup Bowls $6.95
mexican roll mexican roll 2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com
.com
5835 SW 75th St. Gainesville, FL 32608 P: 352.336.7500 WWW.SIMPLYNUTRITION.CO
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5835 SW 75th St. Gainesville, FL 32608 P: 352.336.7500 WWW.SIMPLYNUTRITION.CO
EXPIRES: 08/15/12
BREAKIN’ IT DOWN! P58
CONTENTS
GOOD READING
09 You Know It’s July in
Florida When… 10 Perfect Part-Time Jobs for College Coeds 12 A Guy’s Guide to Girly Drinks 14 Science of Sex: Do Nerds Make Better Lovers? P81 16 Green Tips: Dorm and Apartment Edition 17 Yin and Wang 20 Madlibs: Kiddie Catastrophe 22 Frank the Cab Driver
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P34
P52 30 Friend or Freak? 34 Payback for Hitler 42 How to be a Hipster 52 Jokes On You 56 Meet a Real White
P82
P14
Trash American! 58 Your Field Guide to Wedding Hookups 66 C T Goes Inside the Mafia 68 Sad Truths 81 Hot Dog Eating Contest: Where Legends Are Born 82 10 Benefits of Living Off Campus 84 Breaking Out in the Neon Scene: An Interview with DJ Tina T
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Each year, about 450 men die of breast cancer in America.
breakin’ it down! P30
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 15 Hazardous to Your Health 41 Proceed with Caution 43 You Know You Grew
Up in the 90s If… 44 Congratulations: P12 Planker Award 2012 54 Reality For Men 55 If Your Boyfriend was a Robot… 46 Fashion P68 60 Gadgets 64 Spot the Difference 70 Dictionary for Men 86 Flicks 90 Dictionary for Women 94 Humorscopes P66
P84
P46
Totally useless fact: The official color of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is International Orange.
P10
P16
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER It’s Never Too Hot to Party! As hard as it is to imagine for one to be ‘beached out’, the mid-summer lull is upon us, which means that it’s time to get creative with our free time. Parks and walks, and afternoons on a dock are all fun and swell, but the sun eventually bears to be too much. As this occurs, especially with July temperatures, it’s time to move in doors, and in doing so, what better venture than that of the brain-thumping, hip-shaking, sweatdrenched endeavor of the nightclub! For encouragement of your post-class adventures, CT sat down with the country’s top female DJ to discuss her past and present,
as well as her side projects focused on furthering the club music industry. We also still squeezed in some tips on the best jobs for coeds, relationship help, off-campus living advice and a few digs here and there on some social occurrences that need to be the subject of mockery! All in all, it’s only a matter of time before responsibility strikes, so tune in, turn on and rock the remaining days of summer in all of its glory!
Daniel Sutphin
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
Editor-IN-CHIEF
Lauren Douglass
CONTENT EDITOR
LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY
art director
DANIEL TIDBURY
Graphic Design
DANIEL TIDBURY LISA TORRES JANE DOMINGUEZ
staff writers
Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK
Contributing Writers
Marc Douglass Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN
FASHIon FEATURES
Lauren-Michelle KolanskY
SPeCIAL PROJECTS
LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY Daniel sutphin hilah driggers
nightlife Paparazzi
Jason Frankenfield
Promotions
Amanda LILES karen jones AnnMarie DeFeo
director of advertising
Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com
SALES
Bryan porter
Legal Counsel
Gary Edinger
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: There are more chickens than people in the world.
hilarious!
YOU KNOW IT’S
JULY IN FLORIDA WHEN...
whistling The trees areedogs. for th e potholders to The birds need totusof the ground. pull worms ou
s The temperature dropon t pu u yo below 95 and a sweater.
Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You find out that seatbelt buckle a makes a pretty ni branding iron. ce
You burn your hand opening the Fa car door. crusrmers fe he ed layind ice to their c g ha keep h icke rd b oiledthem frns eggs om . Potatoes c o o k u n d erground is conve have to dnoient because all y. oThis add salt, pis pull one out anu d epper and butter. When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
NO JO KE Totally useless fact: Odds of being killed by falling out of bed? 1 in 2 million.
at it only You realize tfihngers to takes two r car. steer you
You can make instant sun tea.
asphalt t a h t r . ove You dissc a liquid state ha
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9
GET A JOB, BUM!
Perfect By Ami Gavarian
Part-time Jobs
For College Coeds After partying for an entire semester (and two-and-a-half weeks of vacation time) on your student loan’s dime, you’re left with little – if anything – in the tank… I mean bank. You’re not quite ready to give up your nightly bar-hopping habits just yet, but you realize that something’s gotta change if you’re going to keep up your partying at this pace. That something, unfortunately, is a job. Don’t worry! Like the Hilton sisters and Rev Run’s kids, you, too, can make an easy buck exerting less energy than Jamie-Lynn Sigler at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Read on and discover the wonders of collegiate employment… at least those of the legal persuasion.
Take A Test Get A No… not that kind. Like the Promotion god-awful FX show Testees, university science and research departments are always looking for unscrupulous and rather unhygienic coeds to help further their studies in everything from penis creams to estrogen levels… in men. You could easily net anywhere from $50–$100 per test session for something as mundane as electroshock therapy! 10
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There’s no need to keep pouring your hard-earned cash into every local bar and club when you could just as easily have them pay you for your not-so-hard-earned work. Getting the word out about a certain club will net you free drinks all night long and a percentage of the take at the door. It’s like sneaking into a bar and robbing their register… only legal!
Thicker Than Blood Get On The Along the same lines as using Bus… boy your body for money is the age-old occupation of donating blood and plasma. Blood will net you about as much as that lame guitarist on the street corner with $3.50 in his open case. Plasma, however, can supplement your weekly partying habits by garnering you enough loot to drink all night during 2-for-1 beer and leave you some scratch for a soggy slice of pizza when you stumble out of the club like a high school freshman who just tried wine coolers for the first time.
Free food? Check. Hot sorority chicks abound? Check. Meager compensation for eating and lounging around attractive females for a few hours? Check. Sorority house busboys are the hedge fund CEOs of the collegiate employment landscape. They get fed and paid to socialize with the hottest girls on campus. While you’ll probably make only $20 per night, you really can’t put a price on inside access to hot chicks running around in skimpy shorts and tight tees.
Totally useless fact: TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be typed using the letters from only one row of the keyboard.
When it’s time to move out of the dorms,
be sure to check out CollegeRentals.com
ESTROGEN ON THE ROCKS!
s ’ uy G A to Guide By Brian
Hodges
y l r i G rinks D D
At some point in this planet’s drinking history, society decreed that a man’s drink must be brown, smell like ass and burn a hole in your stomach. Admit it… beer is only slightly better. Compare that to the brightly colored, sweetly flavored, giggle-inducing drinks that women are allowed to order without judgment. What you wouldn’t give to trade that vomit-on-the-rocks for something that tasted like guava or lollipops. Believe it or not, there are times and places where girly drinks are perfectly acceptable for a manly man such as yourself. 12
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COLORFUL FRUITY MIXERS
Notable Examples: Long Island Iced Tea, Sex on the Beach, Anything with a “-sour” at the end The beauty of these drinks is that the girl whose judgment you’re trying to compromise doesn’t even notice that she’s drinking alcohol. But unless you want the meatheads to give you a swirly, don’t you dare order yourself a Malibu-and-Anything. How to Get Away With It: If you’re just dying for a Fuzzy Navel, find a Japanese restaurant and order a Scorpion Bowl for the table. At least then you’re not being girly… just sociable.
WINE COOLERS AND “HARD” JUICES Notable Examples: Bartles & Jaymes, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice
After sucking down your 100th piss-water Coors Light, a bottle of something cold and tangy (yet still alcoholic) sounds pretty good. But admit it… it’s hard to bring that purple six-pack up to the register without feeling like a teenage prom queen in a tiara. How to Get Away With It: Newly 21 year olds are your safety net. Too young to know better, they’re not going to judge you for cracking open that bottle of Bacardi Silver. They’re just happy you’re sharing and they’re finally of age.
Totally useless fact: The first female guest host of Saturday Night Live was Candace Bergen.
ESTROGEN ON THE ROCKS!
COSMO-TINIS
Notable Examples: Cosmopolitan, Appletini, pretty much anything in a triangular glass Thanks to those promiscuous ladies from Sex & the City, every woman who wants to feel a bit classy – while paying through the teeth – orders some kind of Martini or Cosmopolitan. They’re often brightly colored with a token amount of fruit dumped in, but they really don’t taste any better than the ass-water we men have to deal with on a daily basis. How to Get Away With It: Why would you want to? Martinis are your last stop on the train to full-blown alcoholism. And if you’re going to drink something that makes you gag, you might as well stick to a concoction with two olives in it, if you catch my drift.
FROZEN MONSTROSITIES
Notable Examples: Piña Colada, Strawberry Margarita, Mudslide
GIRLY SHOTS
Notable Examples: Lemondrop, Kamikaze, BJ
As if the little umbrella and wedge of fruit or Godiva chocolate weren’t a dead giveaway, even the glasses look like a shapely woman’s figure! Add to that the fact that it takes about 20 minutes to make, and you’re practically begging the bartender to teabag your prissy little drink.
It takes a truly remarkable girl to lick it, slam it and suck it with a shot of Cuervo. For the rest, those brilliant marketing people at Get You S**tfaced, Inc. are always inventing sexysounding and pleasant-tasting shooters… shooters that you are not allowed to shoot, no matter how much you want to.
How to Get Away With It: The beach. Seriously, it’s your only option. So, ask yourself, “What would Jimmy do?” Hit the tiki bar every day in Mexico, that’s what… because as soon as you get home and into a place with a non-thatched roof, those coconutty parfaits are off limits.
How to Get Away With It: The only excuse you have is if you’re ordering a large number of shots for a crowd of at least 50 percent women. Then you can pass it off as, “It’s just easier to order 10 Buttery Nipples. I don’t want the bartender to spit in my Wild Turkey.”
Totally useless fact: The first female monster to appear on the big screen was Bride of Frankenstein.
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THE BINARY LANGUAGE OF LOVE HEADER
The Science Of
Sex:
Do Nerds Make Better Lovers? As a culture, we’ve been conditioned to believe that high intelligence equals social retardation and sexual incompetence. But don’t be so quick to write off those skinny guys with the Coke-bottle glasses, pocket protectors and 4.0 averages. Romantically speaking, nerds are a largely untapped resource. Given the chance, some of them could be far more than just the creepy geniuses who let you copy their homework. Is it possible? Do nerds make better lovers? Read on and make your own decision.
By Brian Hodges
HISTORY NERDS
These guys are bitter and pissed off at everything you can imagine: politicians, the media, religion, Hollywood, rich people, communists, governments (all of them), the medical community, the post office, Republicans, Democrats, the Jefferson Administration, patriotism and of course Wal*Mart. When it comes to the horrors we have perpetuated on humankind throughout the bloody reign of Imperialism, he claims to bear the burden of “knowing the full truth.” He’s also a colossal and unbearable tool. Still, you may find that righteous anger translates well into bedroom passion.
COMPUTER NERDS
SCIENCE NERDS
Don’t let the test tubes, gyroscopes and pasty complexions deceive you. Chemistry, Physics and Engineering majors spend ten hours a day working with equations, proofs and numerical values that are far too small for the human mind to comprehend. They’re just aching for a physical outlet, and when the moment of truth finally arrives, they are amazingly “precise.” The glaring exceptions to this rule seem to be Biology majors, who, for as knowledgeable as they are about the mammalian reproductive system, are curiously ignorant as to how the female body actually works. 14
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ENGLISH NERDS
This guy is romantic, no doubt about it. He’s been studying classical language and iambic pentameter for a couple years now. He’ll weave sonnets and love poems enough to make you go weak in the knees. Simple birthday cards become lyrical works of art. Your friends will be jealous knowing that you have the sensitive boyfriend they’ve all been dreaming of. Of course, all that romancing can be tiring, even for a nerd, so once you’re in bed, he kind of expects you to do all the work.
MATH NERDS
These nerds come in two groups: the ones in Calculus and the ones in Accounting 101. The Calc guys, with those heavy-duty graphing calculators, are really just Astrophysicists in denial (see Science Nerds). Those other guys, unfortunately, are on a collision course with an adding machine and life as a number cruncher. They may be in a fraternity today, but ten years from now, they’ll be praying to get kidnapped just for something interesting to happen in their lives.
These nerds also come in two diverse groups: the chubby, socially stunted cubicle dwellers who work in programming and web design and the cocky skater-gear-wearing rave kids from software innovation and iMac technical support. The former kind, as expected, is clumsy and inexperienced in the bedroom whereas the latter “neo-hipsters” can only get it up while high on Ecstasy. Either way, you ain’t gettin’ any. But at least with the software guys, you’re guaranteed a kickass party beforehand. With the web guys, you’ll probably spend the whole evening playing World of Warcraft. So on behalf of nerds everywhere: please, please, PLEASE give us a chance. You may think of that nerdy guy down the hall as just a friend and potential tutor, but given the chance, he may just gyrate your cranium out of its helio-centric orbit… and, oh baby, where else are you going to get pillow talk like that?
Totally useless fact: The 80s song “Rosanna” from the Eighties was written about Rosanna Arquette, the actress.
WARNING
Hazardous to Your Health By john scheck
You really have to watch what you say and do these days. People can be touchy…touchy and obscenely violent… touchy and obscenely violent and –in many cases – armed to the teeth. Before you do something you can’t undo, or you open your fat pie hole and get yourself into a world of hurt that a team of surgeons can’t undo, take the time to answer these questions. Decide which choice presents the least risk and then try to avoid both options.
Mistaken ly the snac wandering into k food ais l Wal-Mart , or runn e at in the bulls in Pamplo g with na?
ision Being forced to watch telev ree without basic cable for th thout days straight, or living wi ? a TV for three whole days
ess, “Can I get r it a w e h t g in Ask ?” in a crowded ing t a h t n o n o c a b em ant, or blasph di u vegan restaur ammed in a Sa h o M et h p o r p the e? Arabian mosqu
me at e Titanic the of h t o t g in n e List rest day for the least once a aving to say at least h your life, or random people that o once a day t ite song? or v it’s your fa
rally r a k a D ishe Par fering to t g n i Enter ped, or of i Cooper to o ? n on a m l in your Mi rs meetings e o carpo eight Watch your W
Hinting to a grou p of Tea Party members that Ro nald Reagan prob ably wasn’t some sort of divinity, or admitting that yo u don’t know wha t NASCAR stands fo r while having a be er in a bar in the Am erican south?
Bad-mouthing va mpire movies around a group of adolescent girls, or insulting Woody Allen next to a table of so Florida retirees? uth
Shooting your way out of a Taliban ambush, or being stuck in an elevator for two hours with a group of off-their-meds Jehovah’s Witnesses?
d a group n a priest an getting ee w et b g in d Stan , or in the shower of altar boys a mother grizzly and een caught betw ying 25 e you’re carr il h w her cubs ? w hamburger pounds of ra
Totally useless fact: During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles.
Buying your teenager (who probably owns a firearm) anything less than an iPhone or Blackberry, or cutting the wrong wire while defusing a car bomb?
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GOING GREEN ROCKS!
Green Tips: By Ami Gavarian
Dorm & Apartment
Edition
College students are known for their inherent thriftiness, and it doesn’t surprise me that you’re always looking for the cheapest, easiest way out of any situation. Here are some simple tips to help save you money while you help save the planet in return.
Reduce By Reusing
With water consumption at an all-time high and resources dwindling by the day, we must take preventative measures to ensure there’s still some H2O left for future generations. Well, my fellow college coeds, here’s a tip I’m sure you’ll all appreciate: group showers! No, not with your sweaty roommates… I’m talking about buddying-up with that hot girl next door. You’ll be saving water AND working on your weekend hook-up simultaneously!
Every college student on the planet carries one of two things with them at all times: a plastic water bottle or a red Dixie cup filled with beer. Far be it from us at CT to discourage your daily supply of hydration – be it alcoholic or otherwise – but if you’re going to consume that often, the very least you can do is reuse your water bottle or plastic cup. Every year, countless amounts of plastic drinking apparatuses are trashed, wasting tons of energy in production of more bottles and cups. Furthermore, you’ll be saving upwards of $300 a year by reusing your water bottle instead of discarding them after a single use and having to buy more.
As an added bonus, you can save money on your bills by hand-washing your dirty clothes in the sink or tub, then hanging them to dry. It’s important to keep in mind that your larger appliances, like washer/dryer units, tend to make up the bulk of your electric bill each month.
There you have it! Follow these simple and easy tips and you’ll be heavier in the pockets while making an incredible effort towards thwarting climate change. Then again, the hotter the weather, the skimpier the clothes worn by sexy coeds across campus…
Wet T-shirt Contest! It’s Getting Hot In Hurrrrr
A little-known tip that most apartmentdwelling students fail to take into account is the cost – both economically and eco-friendly – of your heater. A quick trip to your local Home Depot will get you an aluminum wrap that will help save you a pretty penny on your electric bill, as well as help save the Earth some much-needed energy. Simply place the wrap around your heater and watch as it cuts your bill by almost 25 percent of the original cost. 16
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Totally useless fact: Jellyfish have no brains, yet they can tell light from dark, and sense movement.
TRADING PLACES…
YIN and WANG By Darien Arden
Pro Barbie “You don’t have a problem getting laid, it’s just that easy.” Josh, 30
“Because the pressure of running society is getting to me.” Jesse, 27
“So I don’t have to do manginas anymore.” Sam, 24
“So I could feel my boobs all day.” Casey, 21
“So I can get laid any day, any time I want to.” TJ, 24 “So I can avoid manual labor.” Ben, 23 “So I could look at boobs in the mirror.” Eric, 25
What would happen if the roles were switched and you v up with a little something extra, (or missing a little something)? There are definitely some titillating reasons why I would want to switch sexes. No bathroom? No problem! Hello bush, tree, patio! And it can finally be okay for me to go outside shirtless and talk about boobs all day. Wait, I already do all this! Welcome to the wonderful world of yin and wang. See what your fellow Kens and Barbies are saying about switching sexes.
“So I could just lie there during sex.” Mike, 23 “I want to be able to play with myself in the mirror… and so I could be a lesbian.” Brian, 26 “So my balls aren’t always sweaty.” Alan, 25
Pro Ken “You don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.” Jami, 23
“I would like to have no real stress or responsibility.” Gay, 46
“Guys don’t have to pay for weddings.” Ashley, 23
“So I don’t have to shave my legs.” Chrissy, 23
“So I could get a lot of girls and not be called a ho.” Kat, 22
“I could hook up with Barbie all the time.” John, 23
Totally useless fact: The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
“To not have to go through the process of having babies.” Katie, 23 “Their brain is so simple. It would be nice to have a simple thought process.” Stacy, 40 “So I can pee anywhere.” Abby, 20 “So you don’t have to put on make-up when you go out. Less maintenance.” Cherise, 23 campus talk
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CHARTED
HOW MY MOUTH TASTES AFTER FLOSSING
PHOTOS VIEWED WHEN A GUY ACQUIRES A FEMALE FACEBOOK FRIEND FAMILY ALBUMS
MINTY FRESH
OTHER PROFILE PICTURES LIKE BLOOD SUMMER ALBUMS
GREAT MUSICIANS ARE
FEMALE ARROGANCE METER LEVEL OF CONFIDENCE
DEAD
SMALL DOG
OLD SMART PHONE GUM
YOUNG
Totally useless fact: The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
BIG HEELS SUNGLASSES
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DON’T EAT THE LEGOS! By Naomi Piercey
Madlibs:
Kiddie
Catastrophe
I
always thought babysitting was (ADJECTIVE ABOUT A PROM easy way to earn some ISCUOUS GIRL) and an (NOUN YOU NEVER HAVE ENOUGH OF) on the until last week when two side. That is, little (PLURAL FAVORITE CHAR down the street changed ACTER FROM THE WIZA RD OF OZ) my mind. When I arrived at their house, things see (ADJECTIVE YOU WOUL med D NEVER USE TO DESCRIBE YOUR MATH T.A.). The attend her “Mothers Who mom rushed out to ” (VERB A GRANDMOTHER she left, the kids dumped DOES) meeting. As soon as out their bowls of demanded a (KID FOOD), and one (ACTIVITY THAT INVOLVES PICK ING UP A CHILD) wh on ile the other turned (EXPLICIT TV SHOW). So, with the sister dangling off (STRONG BODY PART), my I tried to grab the remote , but her brother was quick it in the er and tossed (NOUN YOU DON’T LIKE TO TOUCH). When I fished it out and finally the kids, they were found (-ING VERB YOU DO TO A TEDDY BEAR) out bottles of (TYPE OF STICKY LIQUID) on their bedspreads. As I into the was tossing the sheets (HOUSEHOLD MACHINE ), I heard a hug e crash. One of the kids had brought his (TYPE OF OUTSIDE TOY) inside and crashed into the (HEAVY ITEM IN YOUR LIVING ROOM), kno cking down all the family (SOMETHING YOU WOUL DN’T WANT TO BREAK) . Broken glass was everyw in here, so I told him he wa (TYPE OF PUNISHMENT s FOR KIDS). He see med to think that meant lock himself in the he could (SMALL ROOM OF THE HOUSE) with the kitchen (PLURAL SHARP ITEM) . All this time, the little girl had been trying on her mother’s (WHAT YOU MIGHT FIND IN A CLOSET) and pai red nting them with bright (MAKE-UP A STRIPPER WEARS). She dem and ed tha t she go outside to (VERB KIDS LIKE TO DO MOST) and ran off screaming, “If you don’t let (VERB THAT MAKES A LOUD me, I’ll NOISE)!” I tried to follow her, but her brothe come out of hiding and r had was (-ING VERB YOU MIGHT couch cushions on the DO TO PANCAKES) up all the (WHERE YOU KEEP YOU R HAMSTER CAGE) bec “thought they were ause he (ADJECTIVE DESCRIBIN G THE BATH back, his sister had come back inside and was holdin ROOM).” When I put them all g a(n) I told her that I didn’t kno (ANIMAL). w they had a pet, and she said they didn’t! It immediately (PAST TENSE VERB YOU DO WITH A ROPE) out of her the hands, bit me on (BODY PART) and ma de a mad dash for the I finally just gave up, sat do (A DARK PLACE). wn on the cushions and turned on (SKANKY REALITY TV SHOW ). Miraculously, the kids were so watched the rest of it wit (PAST TENSE VERB), the y h me until their mother cam e back. When she walked into the room, the kids (PAST TENSE VERB YOU DO AT A CONCERT) abo of a babysitter I was, and ut how great she handed me an extra gratitude. I grabbed the (NUMBER) bucks in cash and made a mad das h for the HAS A HANDLE). Wh en I pulled my car out of (NOUN THAT the something about a (NOUN), I heard her yell (ANY INSERTED WORD YOU MENTIONED BEFO never looked back. RE IN THIS MAD LIB), bu tI
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Totally useless fact: The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. A college’s student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Low and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player – a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player’s academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test. The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, “How much is five and two?” The student frowns in deep concentration – he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, “Seven”. The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. “Give him another chance. Give him another chance.”
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.” The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?” Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
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frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Oh Frank,
I guess it was bound to happen. After a long summer of ROCKIN anonymous sex, I hooked up with one skank too many and gave myself crabs. What do I do now? Trent I’d start by reflecting on the irony of a guy such as yourself calling anyone else a skank. Then, I don’t know, go to the doctor or something, dumbass. FRANK THOUGHTS: If it’s never burned when you pee, you’ve never lived… prior to the 80’s. These days, put the freakin rubber on.
Hey Frank,
I was mowing my parents’ lawn and somehow got poison ivy. I am a complete itchy mess. Any advice on how to get through this personal hell? Duane Get some good ‘roids and don’t scratch and touch your wiener. FRANK FACT: Frank once ate a leaf of poison ivy on a hundred dollar bet. The guy had no idea Frank was immune to the oils. Unfortunately it had been sprayed with pesticides so he puked for like ten days.
Frankalanka
When did “geek” suddenly become cool? Remember when we used to make fun of nerds and stuff? Why are they suddenly all over the place and getting girls? Troy It’s called the Internet my friend. They’re still not cool, but now that they finally have a place to meet and have sex amongst themselves, they rarely feel the need to wander into venues where they might meet and endure the abuse of meatheads such as yourself. FRANK THOUGTS: Don’t you sometimes yearn for the good old days of the Internet when the sexy redhead you’d spent all night chatting with turned out to be a fifty year old man from Duluth?
Dear Frank,
There’s this older guy I have the hots for and I just found out he has kids! I really like him and I get the impression he’s into me too, but I don’t know if I’m ready to get into a relationship with so much baggage. Cheryl What on earth would give you the impression he’s looking for a relationship? More than likely he’s just looking for a little adult conversation that doesn’t involve Dora and Blue’s Clues. That, and he’s probably anxious to get somebody younger than him naked for reasons other than wiping their butt. If all goes according to plan you’ll never be important enough to even meet his kids. FRANK THOUGHTS: Men with kids are the most efficient and dependable lovers They’ve had lots of practice sneaking in orgasms between Dora DVD’s.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
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myc am
pustal
k .co m
Totally useless fact: A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.
shut up and drive Hey Frank,
So I just started dating this girl and I find out she’s really into Harry Potter. I mean REALLLLY into Harry Potter. Like she gets dressed up and goes to conventions and all that. Seems pretty silly and loserish to me. What do you think? James More silly and loserish than a bunch of people who would put cheese on their heads and cheer for a football team in subzero weather? At least this chick is into something unique. And have you ever seen a girl in a Slytherin costume? Accio boner! It’s like Catholic schoolgirls in green plaid! FRANK FACT: Even after seeing the movies, Frank still pronounces it “HER-mee-own”.
Hi-ya Frank,
So… I’m supposed to be going into my third year of pre-med and I’ve realized over this summer I really don’t want to do it anymore. Next semester starts in a month. How do I break this to my parents? Doug That’s a tough one. This particular bombshell is usually harder for parents to take than the “I like boys” bombshell. Like anything else though, the bandaid approach is probably best, hopefully before the tuition checks have been mailed. Be prepared for a fight and, depending on what you change your major to, a complete and utter revocation of all financial privileges. Are you SURE you don’t want to be a doctor?
Franco,
Hola Frank,
My girlfriend just told me she’s never seen The Godfather.” I’m a film major and that is just unacceptable. How can you live in this day and age and not have seen The Godfather? I keep trying to get her to watch it but she keeps putting me off. I honestly don’t know if I can be with a person like that. Miller
My girl and I have been exclusive for like three months, but she still won’t change her Facebook status to “in a relationship”. Am I being weird for getting annoyed about this? Tim
If I had a nickel for every time some wannabe artist let pretentiousness get in the way of seeing a girl naked. You’re well on your way to whiskey and Prozac without a film festival to show for it my friend. Oh and can I just break something down for you… The Godfather SUCKED! FRANK FACT: Frank has been banned from the entire state of New Jersey over that comment.
Weird? No. You sound exactly like every other possessive guy out there. Fact is, a lot of people aren’t into public displays of affection, and from what I understand, going “Facebook Official” is the online equivalent of mounting your girlfriend in front of her entire family. If you’re getting sex on a regular basis, that’s the only status worth worrying about. FRANK FACT: According to Frank’s Facebook, “it’s complicated” between him and the couch in our office.
Holy cow, Frank!
I just saw you for the first time since your accident and you’ve lost so much weight! What was your secret? Abigail Apparently you missed the memo about the reason behind that accident. Let’s just say when you’re on what I was on, losing weight is about the only positive side effect… though in retrospect I’m thinking bulimia would have been easier. FRANK THOUGHTS: A good ground rule in life is never stop doing a drug that makes you eat cookies in favor of one that makes you stop eating altogether.
Hey Frank,
Tell me the truth. Is it slutty if I have sex on the first date? Sally
k ran F ask om talk .c a question ampus c y m @ k
Yes. So? FRANK FACT: You will never convince Frank that “slut” is a negative term.
fran
FRANK FACT: Frank’s major in college was Post-Modern Feminist Thought with an emphasis on the Indonesian Suffrage March of 1905. He drives a cab.
Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver
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Totally useless fact: Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
play with yourself
Y L JU GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
campus talk
rs are answe page 79 on
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play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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Totally useless fact: A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
you sooooo cheated
Y L U J
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: A group of officers is called a mess.
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!
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Totally useless fact: Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
Totally useless fact: Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
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NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!
By Jessica DiGiacinto
Friend Or Freak?
5 Reasons
Girls Keep Giving You
The Cold Shoulder
Since the beginning of time, a certain group of guys have been sitting in corners, pouting over the fact that they can’t seem to land a girl to save their lives. These select males consider themselves “nice guys” and are quite certain the reason they’re not getting laid is because chicks only dig a-holes. They moan louder than a porn star faking her orgasm about things like respecting our bodies and listening to our feelings. Yeah, yeah… that’s all good, but it won’t wet our whistle the same way Hard-To-Get Harry does by playing it cool. In all my years of swimming in the dating pool, I’ve come across my fair share of “nice guys.” Sure, these dudes are pleasant, but that’s not the reason some of them aren’t getting dates. The reason they’re not scoring big is because they’re nice and they’re weirder than Screech and Urkel combined. 30
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Totally useless fact: Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!
Dell recommends Windows® 7.
Don’t leave it up to chance, fellas. Follow these five guidelines and determine for yourself if you are indeed a dweeb!
You Treat All The Female Avatars In Second Life Like Princesses
Look… lots of people enjoy role-playing games. Like millions of people. But if you’re some kind of lothario in the online world, you’re spending way too much time sitting in front of a computer screen. CGI girlfriends do not adequately substitute for real life flesh and fun. The cure for this is lap dances… simultaneously if possible.
You Suffer From A Bad Case Of The “Stares”
Smiling is okay. Smiling is great. Everyone likes a smile. Not everyone, though, likes uninterrupted eye contact for an entire organic chemistry lecture. I’m sure you’re just taken a hold by her angelic beauty and mean her no harm. The problem is, if a girl catches you staring at her, you’re no better than the creepy janitor who tries to clean the bathroom while she’s still in there. Periodic glances mean you’re interested. Constant glares, on the other hand, mean you’ve got duck tape and rope in your trunk.
What will you buy with your $200 Dell promo eGift card?* Student only offer: Want an Xbox® 360? Digital camera? Skull Candy headphones? When you spend $699 or more on select Dell PCs we'll send you a $200 Dell promo eGift card* to use towards whatever you want.
You Have A Bad Case Of The “Call ‘Ems”
So you’ve finally met a girl who seems to be more interested in you than just copying your notes for math. Hell, she even agreed to go out (in public!) with you on an official date. Things go well and the night comes to an end. As soon as you get home you make a mad dash for the phone. STOP! Calling us too soon is akin to doing something else too soon in the sack. I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves…
You Are A Constant Victim Of Cheating
Telling girls about your previous run-ins with deceitful dames is practically giving us a cheat sheet to continue going behind your back with cooler dudes. We’re like wolves – we smell fear and insecurity from miles away. If you act weak, we’ll pounce on it like vultures… and not in that naked-in-bed, sexy kind of way that you’re daydreaming about right now.
You Do Anything A Girl Asks You To Do
This doesn’t mean you’re a gentleman… this means you have no spine and most likely no balls. Really, this is the male equivalent to female sluttiness. You wouldn’t chase after a girl you just saw walk out of the bathroom with three dudes, so what makes you think we’d pine for a guy who doles out his affection as often as a hospital dishes out free condoms? Totally useless fact: The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
NEW Dell™ XPS™ 13 Ultrabook™
Dell.com/dellu/FloridaStudents Member ID:10600227
Important details: All orders are subject to approval and acceptance by Dell. Offers subject to change, not combinable with all other offers. Taxes, shipping, handling and other fees apply. Valid for U.S. Dell University new purchases only. Availability of electronics and accessories varies and quantities may be limited. Dell reserves right to cancel orders arising from pricing or other errors. * Promotional Gift Card Offer: Offer contingent upon purchase of eligible product; Promotional card not valid if eligible product is returned for a refund. If eligible product is returned for a refund after the card has been redeemed, the value of the redeemed card will be deducted from the refund amount. Promotional Gift Card ships separately from purchase and typically arrives in 10-14 days via email and carries a 90 day expiration (except where prohibited by law). Terms and conditions apply. See www.dell.com/giftcard/ promoterms. Trademarks and copyrights: Intel, Core, the Intel logo, and Ultrabook are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S. and/or other countries. Microsoft, Xbox and Windows are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
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I HATE THAT GUY book club If Hitler were in my y place er ev t ou d I would fin cation va on everyone had gone we were ile wh , en th ’t. and he hadn white ing ink sitting around dr about lk ta ly on uld wo zinfandel, I cept ex us of l the cool places al ying, sa ep ke I’d d. ite vis Hitler had u yo ve lie be “Oh my god, I can’t uld wo ich wh e” er th en haven’t be feel really make that Nazi prick left out.
t in If I were hanging ou he ile wh ge ra ga ’s Hitler ir his was trying to repa wait lawnmower I would the o int until he went phone e th er sw an house to three e hid and then I would s. rt pa y ke ur fo or
By john scheck
Payback for
Hitler There is nothing too cruel for the biggest s***-head in human history but I think that I’ve come up with some devastatingly evil ideas for revenge. Even the Spanish inquisitors would gasp at some of these.
If I stayed at Hitler’s hous e fo the weeken r d would annoy I living s*** the out of him by not refilling the ice tray s.
I would always pick Hitler last for my dodge-ball team even if he was pretty good.
ere If Hitler’s kid w g in ow sh y dl prou ophy everyone the tr I he won at school him would laugh at ne yo er ev at th y and sa ophy. gets a damn tr
on If Hitler were I am te g lin w my bo would tell the ny to uniform compa ng ro w e m spell his na on his shirt.
t on If Hitler wen sked a d n a vacation his er at w to e m him ll te plants I’d and then ld ou w I that ldn’t I totally wou nts la p s hi ll a d an jerk. e th , ie would d
If I were Hitler’s next door neighbor I would secretly take his morning New York Tim es and do the crossword puzzle and the Sudoku and then put it back on his porch. ildhood If I were ch tler h Hi friends wit d a ha I if d an ould mini-bike I w ide it. r m hi t le never
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ler at If I sat behind Hit d talk ul wo I a em cin the whole e th e on my phon the ing ain pl ex e tim vance ad in e movie a littl the on on rs pe e th to I had e us ca be other end vie. mo e th en se y ad alre
If Hitler wer on Jeopardy e the host a contestant nd I were a I would nev er answer in th question. If e form of a we contestants were both “Jesus, wha I would say t time he answ an idiot” every er “Everyone kn ed wrong and ows that” ev ery time he got one right.
I would never tell ed Hitler that he look a st lo he if en good ev his lot of weight or st acne cleared up, ju m stee to keep his self-e really low.
Totally useless fact: Some carnivores, rodents, bats and insectivores have a penis bone, called a baculum.
one liners!
p u k c Pi s e n i L
anted h c n e o s I was auty e b r u o y by to that n i n a r I t tha re. e h t r e v o wall
So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
For a mom ent y t u a e I thought I If b had , died e m i t e r e and gone w yo u ’d b e to heaven. . ete r n i t y
; k n u r d t I’m no t s u j m ’ I d e t a c i x o int by you.
If I were a sto plight, I’d turn red ev ery time you pass ed by, just so I could star at you a bit lo e nger.
Totally useless fact: Donkeys can live between 30 to 50 years in captivity.
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Totally useless fact: The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
damnyouautocorrect.com
Totally useless fact: Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
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charted
THE PROBLEM WITH TELEVISION
PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE PET STORE
BAD ACTING
DISNEY CHANNEL
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PET THE DOGS
HORRIBLE SINGING
TERRIBLE PLOT LINES
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BUY A PET
WHERE THINGS GO WHEN I PUT THEM IN MY BAG
WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN IT SNOWS
GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY IN IT WRITE A FACEBOOK STATUS ABOUT IT
IN A HARD-TOREACH CORNER NARNIA
IN THE MAIN POCKET IN THE SIDE POCKET
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WRITE A FACEBOOK STATUS ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE WROTE A STATUS ABOUT THE SNOW AND HOW OBVIOUS IT IS THAT IT IS SNOWING AND HOW ANNOYING THEY THINK STATUSES ABOUT THE SNOW ARE
Totally useless fact: All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like to be seen wearing them in public.
This Bathroom Has Been Deemed Toxic By The Environmental Protection Agency
WARNING!
PUSTALK AM OM .C
PUSTALK AM
BEWARE!
OM .C
PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
MY C
Entering This Bathroom May Permanently Damage Your Nostrils
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Totally useless fact: In 2000, not a single hurricane made landfall in the United States.
MY C
Inhaling These Toxic Fumes May Lead To Spontaneous Vomiting, Brain Damage And Permanent B.O.
OM C .
PUSTALK M A
OOH OOH, THAT SMELL!
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HEADER THIS IS AN OBSCURE ARTICLE. YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER READ IT
How to Be a by Brian Hodges
Hipster You’re sick of being just another lemming in the pop culture crowd, doing as the teenyboppers do, believing as the useful idiots believe, and dressing like the Kardashian clones dress. When you’ve had it up to here with pedestrian “culture” there’s only one alternative; go counter-culture and become a hipster like the rest of us. That’s right, with the right look, the right attitude, and a heavy dose of intentional irony, you too can look like you fell off the L train on your way to Williamsburg. No idea what that means? You’re off to a bad start, bro.
THREADS All that garbage from Abercrombie & Third World Sweat Shop has got to go. Your wardrobe should set you apart as somebody who doesn’t give a crap about the current trends. Whether it’s that threadbare deep-V you dropped a hundred bucks on at the vintage clothing store, or those ironic suits and ties you stole from your grandfather’s attic that you wear every day, even to the beach or to breakfast on Saturdays. Women are encouraged to hem their granny’s old fashioned floral dresses so as to show off those unapologetically non-matching combat/go-go boots. When in doubt go brightly colored or all black. Those neutral blues and browns are for midtowners. And remember, unlike “mainstream culture” (a term you should bandy about the way others say “Nazi Germany”), “the tighter the better” isn’t a philosophy reserved only for women. 42
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ACCESSORIES Anyone can walk into American Apparel and buy a pair of skinny jeans. Are you prepared to back that up with a two-dollar can of PBR, a cascade of below-the-sleeve tats, necklaces that look like they came out of a four-yearold’s dress-up trunk, and every single gadget ever blessed by Steve Jobs? This isn’t about looking cool. Okay it is a little, but it’s also about proving to the world that you, not the Mad Ave fat cats, are in control of your destiny. Or something. That’s why you opt for Elvis Costello glasses (which, for irony’s sake, may or may not contain lenses), a fixie bike over some bourgeois SUV, and a set of giant hi-def headphones over those crappy white ear buds. When the Top 40 crowd questions this latter item, your go-to response should always be, “If I listened to lame ass music I wouldn’t want to hear it either.” Which brings us to…
MEDIA Listen to only the most obscure garage rock, Euro punk or acid jazz that no one else has ever heard of. Under no circumstances are you to dance, woo-hoo, or so much as raise a fist to the sky. You dig this music, but it doesn’t mean you have to get excited about it. Have only the edgiest independent filmmakers and searingly vague documentaries in your DVD collection. And make certain the only television you watch involves British accents, copious drug use or frontal male nudity. Because clearly you’re far too disenchanted for right-of-left entertainment. When someone eventually stumbles across your secret stash of Kelly Clarkson mp3’s, tell them in your most imperturbable voice, “It’s called irony, hepcat.” PHILOSOPHY Let’s get one thing straight, friend. Hipsters may look and act like they don’t give a non-ironic crap, but they think way harder and way deeper than all you Hollywood lemmings combined. That’s why every idea, spoken or otherwise, that emanates from your person should be steeped in ideological obscurity and erudition (sigh, look it up) – whether it’s the books by Aristotle, Nietzsche and Machiavelli you read around campus, the quotes from Karl Marx, Howard Zinn and Christopher Hitchens you regurgitate during coffee house discussions, or even those perplexing bumper stickers on your MacBook that say Rational Miser, Absorb and Degrade, or Gentrification. Wait, you own a Dell? Dude, just get out of here before we all choke on the bread and circus they’ve been feeding you. Oh you don’t know what that means either? Pssh, why are we not surprised? COMMITMENT Cthulhu knows, it’s awfully trendy to make fun of hipsters these days. Just type the word into Google (what, you’re still using Yahoo?) and you’ll find any number of websites mocking hipster culture. Now take a closer look. Do you see any websites fighting back? Of course you don’t. Hipsters don’t need to tell people they’re awesome. They just live the life, man. If you’re even calling yourself a hipster, you most likely aren’t one. So play it cool and stay groovy. Posers need not apply… even if that’s how most of us started in hipster culture to begin with. Have we mentioned the whole irony thing?
Totally useless fact: The largest city in the United States with a one-syllable name is Flint, Michigan.
YOU OLD GEEZER, YOU!
You know
you grew up
in the
‘90s
if… By Kelli McKinney
You begged to go to McDonald’s for dinner everyday. You rented VHS tapes, not DVD s.
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
when You remember led ru s Ninja Turtle . ld the wor
Stick-on earrings… not only on your ears, but also at the corners of your eyes.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch You can sing the rap cartoons. to “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air.” “Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in You remember black, black, black, with Kool-Aid when the Chicago silver buttons, buttons, was your Bulls were the buttons, all down her drink of best team ever. back, back, back…” choice.
You know the Macarena by heart.
You wore socks scrunched down over leggings.
You danced to “Wan nabe” by the Spice Girls. (S o, tell me what you want, w hat really, really want you !)
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
“Talk to the hand!”
You knew all the characters’ names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell.”
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading “Goosebumps.”
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger, were meant to be together.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming “do over!” “Get Over Here!!!!” means something to you.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
Played Kickball and Dodge ball until your porch light came on.
Totally useless fact: Pearls melt in vinegar.
“Then why don’t you marry it!”
You still get the urge to say “NOT...”
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This award is presented to:
Award 2012
Planker
CONGRATULATIONS I
n recognition of your outstanding ability to lie completely still on an unsteady surface. After years of early mornings and late nights of training, you have accomplished a feat equivalent to that of a nocturnal rodent. And, now that you’ve accomplished such illustrious goals, you have taken it upon yourself to share it with the world on YouTube so they may see you in all of your splendor and brilliance. Because who wants to see an animal play dead when they can see a marginally intelligent human do the same, thus regressing evolution and society, and returning us to our more primitive, apparently desirable state.
presented by signed date
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877-941-2039 cox.com Offer expires 09/30/12 and is available to residential customers in Cox Central Florida service areas. $94.99/month is only available for new subscriptions or upgrades to Internet Preferred and Cox Advanced TV. After promotion period, thereafter regular rates apply. Both premium channels are $15/mo. total in months 4-6; regular rates thereafter. TV: Services available to residential customers in Cox service areas. If you own a one-way Digital Cable Ready TV or other display device that is CableCARD-compatible, you may rent either a CableCARD or a digital set-top receiver to receive Cox Advanced TV. If you wish to rent a CableCARD, you must obtain it from Cox. Cox TV Starter service required for local HD channels. Cox Advanced TV and Cox TV Starter or Cox TV Essential required for cable network HD channels. Cox Advanced TV required for premium HD channels and On DEMAND. Cox does not charge extra for HD versions of standard-definition channels included in Cox Advanced TV subscriptions. Internet: Modem required for Internet services. For best performance, use of Cox approved cable modem is recommended. Uninterrupted or error-free Internet service, or the speed of your service, is not guaranteed. Actual speeds vary. Price excludes installation/activation fees, additional equipment charges, inside wiring fees, additional jacks, taxes, surcharges and other fees. Not all services and features available everywhere. A credit check and/or deposit may be required. Offer may not be combined with other offers. Other restrictions may apply. HBO®, Cinemax® and related channels and service marks are the property of Home Box Office, Inc. SHOWTIME and related marks are registered trademarks of Showtime Networks Inc., a CBS Company. ©2012 Cox Communications, Inc. All rights reserved.
Totally useless fact: All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like to be seen wearing them in CX3597 Mostest Campus Talk ad.indd 1 public.
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Too Hot to Handle! China Glaze Nail Polish in I’m with the Lifeguard If you’re feeling extra Floridian sassy, go for this glimmering Miami lime green. $7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze Nail Polish in Beach Cruise-r I love when we’re cruisin’ together. Try scoping the scene in this glimmering fuchsia grape. $7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze Nail Polish in Sunkissed Want your nails to shine like sun? Let your digits stand out in this hot highlighter yellow. $7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze Nail Polish in Ride the Waves Need to cool off? Ride the waves on this deep ocean blue. $7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
Red, White and Beauty By Lauren Michelle Kolansky
From barbeques to summer school, you can still shine brighter than a firework this month. For head-to-toe hotness, check out these great summer products that will help you beat the heat to staying jolie in July. Whitening Toothpaste w/Organic Aloe Vera Gel Nothing radiates health and beauty like a glowing smile, white teeth and fresh breath. So go ahead and pucker up with your hot summer fling after brushing with Kiss My Face’s specially formulated toothpaste free of Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, parabens and artificial flavors and colors. $5.95 KissMyFace. com, Whole Foods, Natural Supermarkets
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Totally useless fact: Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Too Hot to Handle! Ouidad 12 Minute Deep Treatment Intensive Repair Summer heat and activities can really take a toll on curly hair. This deep treatment penetrates, revives and restructures by bonding right to the cuticle for healthy shiny and replenished curls. $25–2.5oz; $50– 8.5oz Ouidad.com, Ouidad certified salons, Sephora Cleansing Milk & Makeup Remover If you’re looking to prevent the dreaded summer breakouts then this preservative-free natural makeup cleanser is just what you need. It will leave your skin feeling clean and smooth instead of stripped and dry, while removing the day’s oily build up of make up and bacteria. $24.95 www. eccobella.com
Glo Minerals Loose Base Powder Foundation For flawless opaque coverage, try this loose base powder foundation made with an antioxidant blend of vitamins A, C, E and green tea extract. The minerals are triple milled so they lay smooth on your skin for a deeper pigment and slightly luminescent look. $38 www.gloprofessional.com Glo Minerals Moist Hydration Mist Spritz this blend of antioxidants before and after makeup application to hydrate your face with a refreshing glow. Also travel friendly, this mist is airport security size approved, so you can toss it in your bag on those summer vacays for an instant mid-flight refresher. $18 www.gloprofessional.com
Happy Feet Kit Florida flip flop weather insists you treat your feet with this at-home pedi spa kit. Soak in the calming cypress and pine sea salt Geo Phyzz Bath Bomb, scrub off dead and rough skin with the Stepping Stone, seal with the Volcano Mask and moisturize with the Fair Trade Foot Lotion made with stimulating and cooling peppermint oils and organic cocoa butter. $24.95 LushUSA.com Totally useless fact: In Massachusetts, it’s illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.
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AMENITIES Newly Remodeled Clubhouse, Pool, and Fitness Center Scenic Pond and Picnic Area Free Wi-Fi in Clubhouse and Pool Billiards, Tennis, Basketball, and Volleyball Three Reliable and Convenient Bus Routes
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AMENITIES 24-Hour Fitness Center Billiards, Ping Pong, and more! Tennis and Basketball Courts Free Wi-Fi in Clubhouse & Pool Refreshing Pool & Party Pavilion
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MIND
#1 What makes a lou d noise when changing its jack et, becomes larger but weigh s less?
GAMES
1) Popcorn, 2)Footsteps,3) The horse’s name is Friday, 4) A bubble, 5) He was born in room #1946 of the hospital when he was born, and died in room #1947 86 years later.
in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
1946 and A man is born in he was 86 dies in 1947, yet that years old. How is possible?
#2
you e r o m The he more take, t ve you lea. behind 50
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#3n
to tow A cowboy rides in for three on Friday, stays n days and leaves o do it? e h id d w o H . y a d Fri
#4
I’m lighter tha n air but a million m en can’t lift me . What am I?
Totally useless fact: The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.
hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy. “Tell me your choice;” he said to the boy, “What’s your choice: I shall either ask you 10 easy questions or ONE that’s real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind.” The boy thought for a while and said, “My choice is ONE real difficult question.” “Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the man on the opposite side. “Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?” The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: “It’s the DAY, sir.” “How?” the interviewer was smiling (“At last, I got you!” he said to himself.) “Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!”
Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hides in one. A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack. “Meow!” says the convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, “Stupid cats.” He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, “Woof!” “Stupid dogs!” says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, “Potato potato!”
Totally useless fact: The word ‘pixel’ is a contraction of either ‘picture cell’ or ‘picture element’.
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trippin’
joke’s As told to Chloe Raimey
The
on you We’ve all been there. Whether it be the classic tumble down the stairs or a much more revealing episode, we’ve all had a case of the flushed cheeks at one point or another. So, here are a few instances that most of us can relate to. If you wet your pants reading them, just be sure to send in the story. Rating: ****
Watch your step… and your shirt
g Scale Ratin the room.
* Leave dorms. ** Switch off-campus. e *** Mov er to another school. sf **** Tran e to China. ov M ***** ain’t nothin’ Communism is. compared to th
“Me and my guy friend, who is more like a brother, were at my condo pre-gaming with friends before going out to celebrate his 21st. Just as we started to walk up the stairs, I realized that I accidentally left my dirty thongs everywhere and told him not to head upstairs. Sure enough though, he raced up the steps, and in my attempt to beat him up there, I tripped on the top step and rolled all the way down! As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw a look of shock on his face as I realized that my shirt was up around my neck and that my see-through bra was showing for everyone to see. It sucked, but it sure as hell made for a great first gift.” Sara, 22
Caution: Wet Flip Flops! Rating:
Who let one rip?
Rating: **
“One night I started having a “dance off” with this guy at a club. Well, I got pretty into it and did one of my signature moves where I bend down, stick out my ass and come up really slow. However, over the loud music and people cheering, I heard a “RIIIIIPP,” and I reached back only to feel my bare butt. My jeans had completely ripped down the crack! I grabbed my friend and walked all the way home with my bare ass hanging out. Needless to say, I’ve been the butt of all my friends’ jokes since then.” Rachel, 18 52
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“I was running ***** late for class one day and started jogging towards my dorm room from the communal showers. WINNER All of the sudden, I slipped and fell in the hall, dropping my shower caddy and towel! I laid there in naked shock for a second thinking that no one saw, but as I sat up, I realized the creepy, male janitor was standing right over me. He laughed and mocked me, saying, “Jeez, I didn’t even mop the floors yet!” I always wear my robe to the showers now and look both ways for the janitor before leaving my room.” Ashley, 19
Déjà vu screw
Rating: ***
“I was out one weekend (drinking my weight in liquor) so, of course, I started tossing pick-up lines to every girl in sight. As I slurred some sweet talk to my next victim, I slowly got the feeling that I knew this girl from something else. Ignoring my better, soberer instincts, I tried my luck and asked, “Do you have a little Eric in ya? Would you like to?” Before I got that last word out, I got a slap across the face that made the entire bar gasp. It turns out it was my exgirlfriend’s 16-year-old little sister who was in town visiting. From now on, I keep a check on my sketchiness in public.” Eric, 21
Totally useless fact: A gizzard is a part of the turkey’s stomach that helps it digest harsher items, like seeds.
Totally useless fact: Pearls dissolve in vinegar.
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JOHNNY 5 IS ALIVE!
If Your By Ami Gavarian
BoyfrienD Was A Robot… … he would always give you an orgasm.
… he would never accidentally fart on you while you were sleeping.
… he would go see every chick flick with you and never force you to see a Rambo film as reciprocation. … he would always let you watch Grey’s Anatomy and Project Runway instead of sports and 24.
… you wouldn’t ever have to tell him “Hey, it happens to lots of guys…”
… he would alw ays give you an orgasm. Did w e mention that one already?
… he wouldn’t get drunk and continuously try to slap your ass in public.
… he wouldn’t take you to an all-youcan-eat wings and beer joint for date night.
… he would be programmed to remember important dates, like your birthday and anniversary.
… he would actually pay attention to you when you complained to him about your bitchy girlfriends, rather than feigning concern and secretly thinking about his fantasy football team.
Totally useless fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts
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LIKE TARZAN WITH A GUT By John Scheck
Meet a Real White Trash
American!
Step right up, folks. See with your own eyes this beast from the other side of the world.
Someone whose idea of a fashion accessory is a Slim Jim hanging from his lower lip!
wild, From thed vast uncharte of expanseserica! Middle Am
Pure Unadulterated Vulgarity!
Watch him drink beer directly from the bottle! Amazing!
Clad on off jeansly in cuthave any! (Ib don’t could pro ut I make that bably for the sahappen ke of show business )
Raised completely on McDonald’s and Burger King, watch him eat almost anything you put in front of him as long as it’s lathered in ketchup.
Only able to speak one language without an accent and evidently profanity is his Ever since my first trip to Europe I’ve always wanted to be mother tongue! a street musician, but even if dragging a piano down to the a 1 euro you street were an option, I suck too bad at playing it for anyone For an extrhi with a can poke gm to pay me, even out of sympathy. I’ve been thinking of other h the bars stick throeu! Be careful, ways to busk and I thought I’d go with what I’m best at: of his cag may throw folks. He u. Might I being me! All I need is someone to be my barker and some feces at yoagain that sort of wire mess cage for them to drag me around in to remind youAmerican. he’s an create more of an atmosphere of fear and wonder. I think Europeans would get a big kick out of seeing a raw, untamed American, especially one locked in a cage. 56
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Totally useless fact: In ancient Rome, it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose.
Save The Date
Saturday, September 29, 2012 at Besilu Collection, Micanopy, Florida Proceeds benefit the Shands Hospital for Children at the University of Florida. For gala details, sponsorship, volunteer and silent auction opportunities, please contact Sebastian Ferrero Foundation at 352.333.2579 or visit NocheDeGala.org
HERE COMES THE BRIDE (AND ALL HER HOT FRIENDS)!
Your Summer is upon us, which means wedding season isn’t far behind. Your single friends are dropping like flies, so you’ll probably be attending three or four of these merry nuptials by the time September rolls around. Sure weddings are annoying and sappy and you have to wear a tie in ninety-degree heat, but take a lesson from Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn – weddings are primo places to hook up. You just have to understand the people you’ll encounter and know how to approach them. by Brian Hodges
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Totally useless fact: On the ground, a group of geese is a gaggle, in the sky it is a skein.
Wedding
HERE COMES THE BRIDE (AND ALL HER HOT FRIENDS)!
field guide to hookups
The Trying-not-to-be-Jaded DJ Who He Is: He was going to be the next big thing on the New York City club scene. Instead, he somehow got stuck behind a microphone encouraging little old ladies to do the Chicken Dance. What He’s Wearing: Black slacks and vest with a sombrero and inflatable green guitar.
How to Hit That: Honey, the only reason this guy got into DJ’ing in the first place was for the chicks. If you’re young, relatively hot and request something other than “Play That Funky Music White Boy”, you’re in.
The Fraternity Brother with the Inside Joke Who He Is: He pledged Mu Alpha Nu with the groom. The toast is hilarious for him and his fellow pledge mates, but completely meaningless to anyone who wasn’t present on, “The night the red shark descended on Balla Balla kidney stone.” (HA HA HA HA!!!)
The Swing Dancing Couple Who They Are: It’s still 1943 for these two (or 1998). They took classes and practiced for untold hours all for the moment when the DJ would play “Jump Jive and Wail.” They execute lollies, throwouts and triple steps so effortlessly that others can’t help but watch. Of course, they’re so focused on dancing flawlessly that they don’t actually enjoy themselves. They almost never smile.
What He’s Wearing: A typically sharp black tuxedo, though he’s carrying a giant stuffed Snoopy doll with an eye-patch and t-shirt bearing the fraternity’s letters.
What They’re Wearing: A zoot suit and flapper dress, complete with black and white spats and open-toed dancing shoes, respectively.
How to Hit That: Dirty dance with the Snoopy, and ask him to fill you in on the meaning behind his “ExLax Playdoh” story.
How to Hit That: Don’t try. Unless you can Lindy Hop better than their partner, they won’t even notice you.
Totally useless fact: The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The Recently Divorced Alcoholic Aunt Who She Is: She may be slightly depressed about her husband running off with his twenty-year-old secretary, but still, she raises multiple Cosmopolitans in celebration of the mini-fortune she’s about to inherit. What She’s Wearing: A form-fitting black or red dress that is entirely inappropriate for a wedding since people are staring at her more than the bride. How to Hit That: She’s out to prove that she can bed a young stud too, so sit at the bar, and win her over with your combination of maturity and boyishness. Match her Martini for Martini then encourage her to sing the Oh Oh Oh’s with you during “Sweet Caroline.” The Slightly Less Attractive Maid of Honor Who she is: The bride’s younger sister or childhood friend. Her lifelong feelings of physical inferiority are doubled today as she stands next to the perfect little bride, in her perfect little gown, with her perfect little man as she holds her perfect little flowers. What She’s Wearing: A horrendous pastel dress with poofy shoulders. How to Hit That: She really is trying to be happy for her friend, so help her along by taking advantage of the open bar. After toasting the newlyweds over many shots of tequila, drag her to the dance floor during “Endless Love.” If you can get past all the crying, she’s yours. campus talk
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get these in your life By Daniel Sutphin
Hub Innovations: Uprise 360 Expand your iPad habits with the lightweight and convenient solution from Hub Innovations, the Uprise 360. Made from aluminum alloy, the Uprise is stable to hold and maintain the device in place, while still allowing for
easy removal. It’s matte black and soft rubberized finish are also essential to prevent sliding and damage to the device. www.hubinnovations.com $19.95
Sugru
Give your tattered gadgets new life with Sugru’s air-curing rubber. Designed to stand against even the wildest conditions, Sugru bonds to most materials and becomes a strong silicone rubber overnight. Its patented technology can be formed and shaped by hand for up to 30 minutes once it has been removed from its packaging. It forms a strong bond to aluminum, steel, ceramics, glass, wood and other materials including some plastics like perspex and ABS and rubbers like silicone and butyl rubber. Once cured, you can remove it with a knife. www.sugru.com $18
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Totally useless fact: Minnows have teeth in their throats.
get these in your life
CM4 Q Card Case
To brighten up your device and streamline your possessions as you hit the beach this summer, CM4 upgraded its’ Q Card Case with a a little bit of color! Now available in Pink Sapphire, Pacific Green, and Pearl White, as well as its original Black Onyx, the Q Card Case brings together a slim wallet design with advanced protection for iPhone 4/4S!
AViiQ Portable Charging Station
Despite the expanding use of wireless technology, owners of multiple gadgets can often find themselves tangled in a mess of USB cords and chargers. To hinder such clutter, AViiQ has created a new Portable Charging Station. Requiring the use of only one outlet, it can charge four USB devices at the same time, as well as transfering data through one specialized port. www.aviiq.com $59.99
Phiaton: PS 20 BT
Bringing new freedom to your listening device, Phiaton’s PS 20 BT provides cable-free and hands-free blue tooth technology in a lightweight, fashionable design. Full inline controls allow you to manage songs without digging for the actual device. Take calls without having to remove your earbuds, and thanks to “Echo-Off” noise reduction, background noise is reduced from the microphone while on call. www.phiaton.com $129.00
NuForce Cube
Despite it’s small package, the NuForce Cube packs a major, audible punch. In a tiny, 2-inch cube-shaped enclosure, NuForce has combined a quality headphone amplifier, high performance speaker, and audiophile grade USB DAC. No matter the source of music, the Cube accommodates and enhances the quality of its sound. A built-in rechargeable lithium battery lasts for up to eight hours of continuous playback! www.nuforce.com $119
Acase Concept Acase’s Concept combines a protective back with a cross-grain PU leather to protect your iPad or iPad2 while accenting the device’s sleek design. The Concept doubles as a stand with two positions: upright for streaming videos and reading and laid down for typing and gaming! www.acase.com $32
Totally useless fact: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
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CHARTED
THE MEANING OF “NO OFFENSE”
I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE
I’M ABOUT TO INSULT YOU, BUT DON’T GET MAD
COMPOSITION OF AIR ON THE BUS OXYGEN
NITROGEN
OTHER
AXE BODY SPRAY
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Totally useless fact: A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
CHARTED
THE MESSAGE OF THE TWILIGHT SERIES
THE IMPORTANCE OF OVERCOMING ADVERSITY, FACING OBSTACLES AND TAKING LEAPS OF FAITH
THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING A BOYFRIEND
WHAT PEOPLE MEAN WHEN THEY SAY “LITERALLY”
FIGURATIVELY
LITERALLY
Totally useless fact: A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
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spotted!
KILLeR JOE!
Spot The Differences
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JULY 27, 2012
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le Hirsch, atthew McConaughey, Emi M Church en Had mas Juno Temple, Tho
Totally useless fact: It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
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1) Background tent colors changed, 2) Straw missing from right guy's mouth, 3) Button missing form right guy's shirt, 4) Left guy's black eye missing, 5) left guy's hood is gone, 6) Left guy's hand is missing from fence, 7) Right guy's fingertips missing from underarm, 8) right guy's wrist covered by jacket, 9) right guy's glasses are now mirrored, 10) cut on left guy's nose is missing.
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
FUGGHEDABOUTIT!
the Mafia By Kevin Yeoman
CT Goes
Inside
Joseph D. Pistone (a.k.a. Donnie Brasco) says mob life is packed – like a pair of concrete shoes at the bottom of a river – with “boredom, loneliness and the constant danger of death.” Sounds like Mr. Pistone viewed his “family” time in the same regard as a freshman majoring in pre-med. Like the “big-boned” girl at the bar, the Mafia holds a certain allure that you don’t want to admit is there but can’t help being attracted to. That is the appeal of hanging with maligned misanthropes who have the rare ability to turn tracksuits into three-piece suits. So, if you’ve ever wondered what it would take to get “made,” read on and see for yourself if you have what it takes.
The Boss
(a.k.a. The Don or The Godfather) The Consigliere The Underboss
Survival Skills
The Caporegime (a.k.a. Capo or Captain) The Soldier
Know Your
Role Where do I fit in, you ask? Well, like most things in life, crap roles downhill. Unless you’re the son of the Don, you can park your keister at the bottom of that hill until your number is called, soldier. 66
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You must exemplify three key elements in order to succeed in the Mafia: commitment, legitimacy and communication skills.
Commitment is what you bolted from the moment your girlfriend texted you that she was “late.” Now, you’re going to have to work on that one. However, your innate ability to flee from responsibility, change your name and forgo all other people in your life could come in handy the moment you’re suspected of knocking over three banks and a jewelry store. Legitimacy is what you present while you hide your incriminating reality. Read and learn…
Presentation: a studious, attentive and respectful student with dreams of one day raising a family. Reality: a lazy borderline alcoholic with dreams of stardom stemming from a brief stint as a stagehand in a high school presentation of “Pippin.” See? You’re practically a master at crafting a legitimate illusion of your perfectly illegitimate life! Communication skills are paramount to becoming a successful Mafioso. Being able to talk – with your fists – is one of the most effective methods at your disposal. Another useful tip is to instill a sense of fear in your subordinates. A blown-up car or broken leg is sure to have your “business associates” agreeing to your terms before you even lay them on the table.
Totally useless fact: Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
FUGGHEDABOUTIT!
Say My Name, Bitch! Developing your reputation is a must. Since this line of business is all about clout, it’s imperative to have a memorable name that can make you both popular and notorious… kind of like Dick Butkus. Or not. “Lucky” Luciano, Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, John Gotti: “The Dapper Don” or “The Teflon Don.” Ronnie “Balloon Head” DeAngelis. Okay, you’ll probably want to avoid names that insinuate your head is a thin layer of rubber and contains nothing more than air, but you get the idea. Take a negative and turn it into a positive. Don’t know who your dad is? Hey, it’s Johnny “The Bastard” Wilson! Get around a lot? Guys, meet Vinnie “The Clap” Matolla. Packin’ on a few extra pounds? “Big” is out these days and “Tiny” is overused. Go with Mickey “The Whale” Siegel. And that, my “friend,” is how to start your life as a Mafioso. Zip up that tracksuit, don your pinky ring, and you’ll be in “La Cosa Nostra” in no time. Or at the bottom of a river.
A Made Man Getting made is like having the hottest girl alive take you home from the bar only to find out that you’re instantaneously stuck with her for the rest of your life. It seems great at first until you find out she snores, listens to Barbara Streisand on full blast, has a homeless brother and (gasp) doesn’t eat meat.
Totally useless fact: Bees have 5 eyes; There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee’s head and 2 larger ones in front.
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YOU LIVE, YOU LEARN!
Sad
Truths By Brian Hodges
…that you don’t want to learn the hard way
Sad Truth 1: Nude beaches are not as sexy as you’d think. I don’t understand the inverse logic behind it, but in places where nudity is the norm, it’s almost always the least attractive people who have the most self-confidence and the healthiest body images. Nude beaches sound great (and full of sexy potential) in theory, but in reality, 95 percent of the people there have the kinds of bodies that you wouldn’t want to see naked under “normal” circumstances – never mind when there’s sand, sweat and sun block gummed between their fat rolls. So before you take a trip out to that nude resort, remove your clothes, and stand in front of a full-length mirror. Horrifying, right? Now, realize that you will probably be the most attractive person on that beach. Enough said! 68
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Sad Truth 2: Those chiseled Greek Gods and Goddesses on TV did not get those bodies by using the workout machines and diet pills they’re advertising. The only way to achieve a six-pack stomach is through sit-ups and crunches. The only way to lose weight is to cut calories and start exercising. Bottom line? Six minutes a day on a contraption that collapses to the size of a shoebox and makes for a great dust collector under your bed ain’t gonna cut it. Forget all of those miracle-promising commercials for “Herbal Idiotfedrin,” or whatever the hell those morons are sellin’ on TV. Don’t shell out three easy payments for an Ab-Swindler 3000. Save your money for a membership to a real gym… or some candy.
Sad Truth 3: Hot women do not hitchhike. I know this is how many of Cinemax’s flicks begin, but take a good, long look at that navel-baring vixen on the side of the road. Somebody that attractive has plenty of friends. She doesn’t need to rely on you and your Geo Metro to give her a ride. She is not going to strip off her clothes as soon as she slides in. She is not going to give you her body as a thank you for bringing her to the next town. In fact, she is probably a he who is going to rob you!
Totally useless fact: The average person spends about two years on the phone in a lifetime.
you live, you learn!
Somebody (far wiser than myself) once said, “If you’re young and not an idealist, you have no heart. If you’re old and not a realist, you have no brain.” Idealism is good, especially during the college years, and I certainly don’t want to be the one to squash it. But I also feel that it’s my duty to break the realism of some sad, unfortunate truths. I do this not to be like that older brother who ruins the magic of Santa Claus for his younger siblings.
It’s just that nothing kills idealism faster than learning something unfortunate through a firsthand experience, like discovering the truth about Santa by walking in on your mom giving the jolly, old elf a happy ending in front of the Christmas tree. So to save you that type of heartache, I reveal these five sad truths, which nobody should have to learn about the hard way!
Sad Truth 5: Sexually speaking, your parents have done stuff way hotter, way kinkier and way weirder than anything you’ve ever contemplated.
Sad Truth 4: Your family dog is not frolicking on some farm in upstate New York. The truth is that your parents couldn’t actually afford the doggie farm, so they sent old Sparky to a doggie gym where he spends his days running on a treadmill, producing renewable energy for a chemical plant in Newark, New Jersey. Whenever he slows down, they inject him with PCP and the hormones of a Tasmanian devil. If you hurry, you can still save him… or not.
Depending on the generation they came from, they grew up anywhere from the late ‘60s to the early ‘80s, when illicit drugs were the standard of the day (and I’m talking about stuff way better than the cheap pot you can get from your roommate’s brother). When you’re on the kind of substances they were on, the word “inhibition” becomes as meaningless as that degree in “Event Planning” that you’re pursuing. Now I know this sounds like a cruel one for me to be bringing up; after all, who needs those kinds of images in their heads? I only tell you this so that you don’t go poking through their drawers, looking for drug money and end up stumbling across a stack of Polaroids from their former exploits. If that doesn’t kill idealism, nothing will.
Totally useless fact: The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
I am truly sorry to have to break all of these sad, unfortunate truths to you; but, believe me, you will be much better off in the long run. This is by no means an exhaustive list; it’s just merely a practical one that, in addition to preserving your optimism, will also help you save money… so that you can go hire a shrink! campus talk
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He Said/She Said
Dictionary for Women Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Got to get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend a half an hour writing and then forget to take with you to the store. 70
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Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.” Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus… breathe… push.” Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.” Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Totally useless fact: On the 2001 New Zealand census, 53,715 people listed their religion as “Jedi.”
Totally useless fact: Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
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Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
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Totally useless fact: In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Totally useless fact: A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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apply today
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Totally useless fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
JULY
SUDOKU QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
where’s frank?
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
Totally useless fact: The second longest word in the English language is “antidisestablishmentarianism”.
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hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
As my mother always said, any married man should forget his mistakes because there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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One of the big GPS companies was developing a new feature for their mapping products. They hoped to be able to allow men to replace the standard voices that give you directions with the voice of their own wife or girlfriend. They felt it would be comforting to hear a familiar voice while navigating new or different roads. Like all new features, they hit some trouble spots. No matter how hard they worked, they were unable to get it to say things like, “Turn right in 1/2 mile.”
Did you hear about the man who recently awoke from a 30-year coma and the first thing he asked for was a cup of coffee. “Just a little cup,” he asked. “A lot of caffeine tends to keep me awake.”
Instead, the voice would only say things like, “Why don’t you stop and ask somebody,” and, “Why didn’t you turn back there? You should’ve turned back there!”
A rich man booked a journey in a helicopter and was boasting to all of his friends that he was traveling in a chopper. Suddenly, the pilot started to laugh out loud. The rich man asked, “Why are you laughing?” The pilot said, “I wonder what the doctor will think after finding that I have escaped from the asylum.”
Totally useless fact: Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon with his left foot first.
just eat it!
Hotdog
Eating Contest Where Legends are Born
Perhaps one of the most famous contests of its kind, the Coney Island hot dog eating competition is put on every year by Nathan’s Hot Dogs. The past four years the title has been taken home by a modern day patriot who answers to the name, Joey Chestnut. Last year Joey was a happy recipient of the Mustard Belt after consuming 54 hotdogs and buns in just 10 minutes. The 2010 contest was said to be a runaway win for Chestnut due to Japan’s own Takeru Kobayashi not competing because of a contract dispute with Major League Eating. I was just as perplexed when I found out Major League Eating was an actual entity who dealt with contracts as well. Don’t let the the red tape that comes with being an international eating “athlete” get your hopes down however. You too can make your country proud in such a way that is only possible through shoveling unnecessary amounts of calories into your mouth. All it takes is a little practice and an appetite.
In case you slept through elementary school in its entirety and aren’t aware of what the Fourth of July represents, it honors our independence as a country and the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. In addition to celebrating freedom and the unalienable rights of men, the Fourth of July is the one day out of the year when un-athletic people can pretend they compete in a sport by joining in the tradition of the annual hot dog eating contest. Joey Chestnut is said to have prepared for some eating challenges by stretching his stomach by drinking milk and guzzling gallons of water in under one minute. So if you are not lactose intolerant, and are capable of practically water boarding yourself, all in the name of competition, you may be receiving your own contract from the MLE in the near future. The stomach is only half the battle however. To allow those hotdogs to even get that far, one must have jaws of steel to chew those random meat scraps down. Competitive eaters are known to increase the strength of their jaw by constantly chewing gum. So if you’re not afraid of a few cavities for the sake of a world title, you may have what it takes to stick it out in the harsh world that is competitive eating.
Totally useless fact: The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
It is important to know, however, that to actually make it in the competitive eating world takes a huge commitment. Competitive eaters must eat every single day in order to stay in competitive shape. Some eaters have even been known to eat up to three meals a day! There have been plenty of average Joes who thought they had what it took to be a competitive eater, only to find out that eating was not for them. If you think you have what it takes and you aren’t good at any other sport anyways, competitive eating may be your ticket to fame. Who knows, maybe one Fourth of July you could be the one holding the Mustard Belt over your head in victory. campus talk
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10
ECAMPUS.COM
Benefits of Living Off
Campus In all of my six years in college (be nice, I am working on my third degree) I have never lived in a dorm. I never saw the appeal of living in the dorms. I just saw them as small, generally smelly spaces that hundreds of people have slept in prior to me arriving. So I always chose to live off-campus.
Sure there were some drawbacks including parking passes and paying rent, but there were also a lot of perks. I have my own space, my own room, and my own bathroom. I had a roommate in my first apartment, but at least I got to choose who they were. I believe that the biggest perk of living off-campus was that it taught me how to be responsible. I had to work to pay my rent and bills, so I quickly learned how to multi-task. This also taught me about the art of money management and budgeting. Trust me, living in Florida and having your electric shut off in the middle of summer will really teach you to pay your bills on time! Here are some of the reasons why I think it is better to live off-campus while in college: campus talk
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You are always n accountable, agai more teaching you even ur is yo responsibility. It head to d an job to get up ta class, there is no ho w ll ha e friend down th to or do will bang on your e. ak aw e make sure you ar
of You learn the reality st. co s ing th ch how mu ls, Buying dishes, towe PER SU ts ge . etc , curtains d it is an ly ick qu ive ns pe ex lesson better to learn that er sooner than lat .
You get to have a car that you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to walk a mile to get to.
You get to have pets If your landlord allows it.
FREEDOM! Th ere is no RA overs ee your behavio ing r there is no n and eed sign in or ou to t.
If you need to, or choose to have roommates you are the one selecting them not a college admission counselor.
If you have odd living tendencies (like needing to mop your floors three times a day) then you are free to do it without judgment in your own space. You get your own kitchen and bathroom.
It teaches you economic responsibility. You are in charge of paying rent, bills and all the other expenses.
You are in charge of every aspect of your living situation. If you want to leave dishes in the sink and come home drunk at 3am you can.
Totally useless fact: Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
oooh, nasty!
irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: “Go.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!
n i t u O g n Breaki : e n e c S n the Neo
By Daniel Sutphin
t Female DJ’ s e ‘B s y’ r t n u o C e h ht An Interview wit
e ‘Best Female Recently crowned th ar in a row, at the DJ’, for the third ye ds 2012, DJ Tina T Las Vegas Spin Awar neon scene of shines bright in the s. She currently nightclubs and rave hts at Las Vegas’ performs Friday nig ee @The hottest club, Marqu consistently on Cosmopolitan and is t notably, Tina tour nationwide. Mos the sweatis temporarily trading for a stay in the drenched nightclubs oject very close wilderness, with a pr Spin Off. to her heart: Camp
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Totally useless fact: Starfish don’t have brains.
THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! Launching for its second year, Tina created the camp as an outlet for teenagers to go and learn about music and spinning, socialize with peers, play sports and take part in fun outdoor activities. Committed to making a difference in young people’s lives and sharing with them the art of music, Tina also offers a scholarship program for kids in need, making the camp universally accessible. CT managed to catch up with Tina for a quick chat regarding Camp Spin Off, her influences, inspirations and experiences coming up through the DJ scene. Seattle is famous for its musical influence and culture, did growing up there inspire you to become a musician, and if so, how?
I was always going to live shows during the rock, grunge and ska days in Seattle. I loved crowd surfing over mosh pits and all of that! During the mid 90’s I became involved in the rave scene and started becoming exposed to different DJs. Was being a DJ always the dream or did you start with something else musically?
I played the violin for eight years and then in college it ultimately came down to choosing the violin or turntables, simply because there is only enough time and dedication in the day to put towards one. It didn’t take too much time to decide when I mentally compared a future being in symphonies and musicals versus nightclubs and parties. What made you want to become a DJ?
The first time I touched a turntable, I had so much fun that I never stopped. There are certain things in life that grab your attention and never let go. I simply love the art of mixing, scratching and creating music. Was it tough starting out? Did you run into any prejudices or sexism from clubs?
I ran into a lot of sexism and discouraging comments, but I never let any of it affect me. I had a strong crew of supportive DJs that I practiced with in Seattle. They believed in me and always treated me as an equal. The more people tell me I cant do something, it just feeds the fire inside me to prove them wrong. What hip hop influences did you have growing up?
Some DJs include: The invisible Scratch Pickelz, Mix Master Mike, The Executioners, DJ Craze, Q Bert, The Beat Junkies. The biggest hip hop influence I had growing up in Seattle was not specifically from any one artist or group, it was from the events and hip hop community that was always thriving. Being at DJ battles with B Boy contests, MC battles and graffiti exhibits always kept me involved and excited about what I was doing. What’s your favorite venue to play?
I love being international. Outside on the
beach in Mexico at Club Med or for the SIMA Surf Summit are some of the best memories of my DJ career. I also love the energy during spring break at Louies Backyard in South Padre Island, TX. What inspired you to create Camp Spin-Off?
I went to all types of summer camps growing up and had the best experiences that will stay with me forever. I want to be a part of keeping summer camp alive and tweeking it a bit to fit kids with a specific interest in learning how to DJ. Overall, I wanted to do something fun that brought everyone in the DJ community together. What kind of activities does the camp provide?
The camp has a Zip Line, skate park, basketball court, volleyball, hiking, climbing wall and field games. We also have pool parties with featured guest DJs and campfires with s’mores. There will be a video DJ set at night under the stars with Screen Werks this year and I’m really looking forward to that! What kind of lessons do they teach?
We have various DJ classes on turntables and vinyl, digital software, beat making, remixing programs and more. There is also a music business class and guest speakers each day who share stories and do Q&A with the kids. I noticed in the promo video for the camp that there were kids from all over the world, how far does the camp reach? What countries do you tend to get a lot of the kids from?
The camp does reach international markets. Last year we had a camper from Barcelona, this year we have one coming from Denmark! Kids travel from all over the country: New York, Chicago, Iowa and more. I would say most of the kids are from the west coast: Vegas and California. Are there any programs after the camp that the kids can attend to further what they learn?
Most of them keep in touch on Facebook and ask questions or update everyone on gigs they are doing at school or with friends. Some kids also do continued learning at The Scratch DJ Academy in LA, which also teaches its curriculum at camp.
the relationship between the campers and the guest DJs/Counselors seems like a really close one, do you stay in contact with any of the campers after the week is over?
Yes, I keep in touch with some of them and their parents on twitter, Facebook, email or in person when I am in their city. I try to stay involved with The Boys & Girls Club in Las Vegas as much as possible. When I was DJing in Iowa City, one of the campers came to the all-ages event I was doing and that was a lot of fun. Do the kids get any time in an actual studio? Do they work with other DJs/producers?
At camp, they have a beat making class that is set up like a studio and their teacher, DJ Serafin, is a great producer. They all participate as a group in creating original tracks and remixes. Towards the end of the week, each group shoots music videos to the songs they created and we show them all on the last night. Do they learn anything on the engineering side, or is it strictly recording?
They learn how to compose a beat and structure it musically. There is some engineering for levels and they also record themselves singing, beat boxing or rapping over the track. With the influence of DJs like Skrillex receiving such international attention, has dubstep become discussed/taught more in the sessions?
YES! The kids love dubstep more than any other genre so far. Most of the remixes they make are dubstep and its definitely something we get used to hearing them talk about all week. Some of the guest DJs will talk about their like or dislike of dubstep with the kids and also about where it originated from, etc. What music styles are covered/ discussed in the camp?
We don’t focus on any one style or genre of music. The basics of beat counting, notes and music structure applies to all styles. We encourage any type of music they want to DJ with and show them how to do it.
Totally useless fact: When a giraffe’s baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY? The Dark Knight Rises WHAT: Action Crime Drama WHO: Christian Bale, Joseph
Gordon-Levitt, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine WHEN: July 20 In the conclusion of Christopher Nolan’s Batman series, Batman (Bale) has been on hiatus since taking the rap for Harvey Dent’s crimes eight years ago. When Gotham faces the new threat of terrorist leader, Bane, the Dark Knight resurfaces to help the overwhelmed police force and save the very city that marked him the enemy.
flicks By daniel sutphin
The Amazing Spider-Man WHAT: Action Adventure Fantasy WHO: Andrew Garfield,
Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans WHEN: July 3 In search of himself and his past, Peter Parker (Garfield) finds a clue that might reveal the truth behind his parents’ disappearance. The clue leads him to Oscorp and Dr. Curt Connors, his father’s former partner. As he digs deeper, he puts Spider-Man on a collision course with Connors’ alter-ego, The Lizard. campus talk
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e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
Savages
Step Up Revolution
WHAT: Crime, Drama WHO: Aaron Johnson,
WHAT: Drama Music Romance WHO: Kathryn McCormick, Ryan
Taylor Kitsch, Blake Lively, John Travolta WHEN: July 6 In this Oliver Stone directed flick, pot growers Ben (Johnson) and Chon (Kitsch) have it pretty easy with their business and shared girlfriend, O (Lively). Trouble kicks in when they refuse to team with a major drug cartel. The cartel kidnaps O to teach them a lesson and the two choose to fight for her return.
The Watch WHAT: Comedy, Sci-Fi WHO: Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn,
Jonah Hill, Billy Crudup WHEN: July 27 To escape their day-to-day family routines, four suburban dads form a neighborhood watch. Little did they know that instead of busting some unruly kids, they’d have to defend Earth from an Alien Invasion!
Guzman, Adam G. Sevani WHEN: July 27 After arriving in Miami, Emily (McCormick) sets out with aspirations of becoming a professional dancer. She falls in love with Sean, the leader of a local dance crew. When her wealthy father threatens to redevelop Sean’s neighborhood and displace thousands of people, Emily joins Sean and his crew to turn their dance into protest art.
Totally useless fact: A group of larks is called an exaltation.
rent me!
American Reunion WHAT: Comedy WHO: Jason Biggs, Alyson
Hannigan, Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Tara Reid, Seann William Scott, Mena Suvari, Eddie Kaye Thomas WHEN: July 10 All of the original American Pie characters return to East Great Falls for their high-school reunion. In one long-overdue weekend, they learn what has changed, who remains the same and that real friendships are a bond that can’t be broken no matter time or distance.
Salmon Fishing in Yemen Friends with Kids WHAT: Comedy WHO: Adam Scott, Jennifer
Westfeldt, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph WHEN: July 17 After witnessing their friends’ marry and birth offspring, longtime friends Julie (Westfeldt) and Jason (Scott) decide to make a baby without becoming a couple. As ‘time-share’ parents, they convince themselves they can have a baby without curbing their personal freedom. As they story progresses, they discover that each of them have secret romantic feelings for one another.
WHAT: Drama WHO: Ewan McGregor, Emily
Blunt, Kristin Scott Thomas, Amr Waked, Tom Mison WHEN: July 17 From the director of Chocolat and the Oscar-winning screenwriter of Slumdog Millionaire, Salmon Fishing in Yemen finds Britain’s leading fisheries expert Dr. Alfred Jones (McGregor) and a consultant (Blunt) trying to help a sheik’s vision of bringing fly-fishing to the desert come to fruition. Although he thinks it’s absurd, Jones and the consultant, with backing from the Prime Minister’s overzealous press secretary (Thomas), will lay it all on the line to create the impossible.
Totally useless fact: Shrimps’ hearts are in their heads.
Detention WHAT: Comedy, Horror WHO: Josh Hutcherson, Shanley
Caswell, Spencer Locke, Aaron David Johnson, Dane Cook, Walter Perez WHEN: July 31 A melting pot teen romantic comedy horror cliché, Detention follows local students of Grizzly Lakes as they fight to survive their senior year of high school. If going to school wasn’t bad enough, a slasher killer has picked their school as his new home of slaughter. They must race against time to stop the killer, which will in turn save the world, that is, if they could only get out of detention.
Jesus Henry Christ WHAT: Comedy WHO: Toni Collette, Michael
Sheen, Jason Spevack, Samantha Weinstein, Frank Moore WHEN: July 3 Petri dish child, Henry James Herman writes provocative manifestos on the nature of truth, and all at the ripe old age of 10. The boy-genius’ world gets flipped when he embarks on a search for his biological father, much to the dismay of his attentive single mother. campus talk
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oh, shit!
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” “Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.” “Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh**?”
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Totally useless fact: Back in the 1800s, composer Franz Liszt was worshiped like a rock star.
Totally useless fact: The average personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s left hand does 56% of the typing.
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Men are from Mars
Translations
for men These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
IT’S A GUY THING Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” CAN I HELP WITH DINNER? Translated:* “Why isn’t it already on the table?” UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN Translated:* “I have no idea how it works.” TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD. Translated:* “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR. Translated:* “Are you still talking?” YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. Translated:* “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.” 90
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OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL. Translated:* “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.” HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING. Translated:* “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.” I CAN’T FIND IT. Translated:* “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME? Translated:* “What did you catch me at?” I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE. Translated:* “No one will ever see us alive again.” WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK. Translated:* “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”
Totally useless fact: February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
hahahaha
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does. The editor of a popular magazine was advising his wayward son. He told him, “Son, you need to be more responsible in life and learn the tricks of the trade. What would you do for example if the magazine came out with lots of errors?” The son replied, “I will blame the printer.” The editor became happy knowing that his son would become a worthy successor.
Three things you must not hear the Doctor say in an operation theatre. 1) Now if this is the kidney and that is the liver, what the heck is this? 2) Now where is page five of this manual? 3) Shoo black dog; come away with that piece, that’s not your food.
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he wasn’t feeling any pain. When he got back to the ferry, the boat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. “How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand. “It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!
Totally useless fact: Stephen Perry patented his idea for the rubber band in 1845
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BoyfrienD Next to every hot chick is a guy completely bored with what he once would have killed for.
1 0 1 g n i d a e r d e r i Requ
WWW.WHPINC.COM
IN THE STARS!
Humor Bella Fountain
scopes ARIES (21 Marâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;20 Apr) There will be a dark and mysterious stranger following you. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll imagine itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a secret admirer but a quick look at your accounts has us leaning towards a debt collector with a bat. Pay your bills, moron. TAURUS (21 Aprâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;21 May) For an unknown reason, a truly lovely person will be genuinely attracted to you. They are so nice even us cynical old stars canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think of something mean to say. We donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to. Chances are youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll stuff it up before we write again. GEMINI (22 Mayâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;22 Jun) There is a good chance that you will be offered a job this month. Sadly you are truly allergic to anything resembling hard work and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be a shivering, rash-covered mess until someone turns on Dr. Phil and puts you back in your sweatpants. CANCER(23 Junâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;23 Jul) Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll find yet another cause to campaign for this month. Last month it was â&#x20AC;&#x153;Save the Brazilian (Rainforest)â&#x20AC;? for the bevy of beautiful angry Latina women. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll troll the sign boards but find nothing better than â&#x20AC;&#x153;Plump and Proud Librarians.â&#x20AC;? LEO (24 Julâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;23 Aug) There is a vague chance that you will die this month. Try to avoid anything that could potentially cause your death. Cars, bars, alcohol, unclean women and fatty foods are all on the â&#x20AC;&#x153;noâ&#x20AC;? list, which will reduce you to lying in bed until the risk passes. VIRGO (24 Augâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;23 Sep) Your parents are trying to send you a messageâ&#x20AC;Ś of sorts. The fact that they have closed your credit card, moved without a forwarding address and sent your belongings to you in a box addressed to â&#x20AC;&#x153;the occupantâ&#x20AC;? should be a clue. Orphan. LIBRA (24 Sepâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;23 Oct) Thanks for your ongoing belief in astrological intervention. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not that we didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hear you begging the stars to make her come back to you. We did. But the sight of you singing an Adam Lambert song in your socks and jocks made us wet our supernatural pants. SCORPIO (24 Octâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;22 Nov) You are an idiot. But itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s okay. Lots of idiots have gone on to achieve amazing things. If you can abuse drugs and confuse your American geography then youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re still on track for a successful career in politics. SAGITTARIUS (23 Novâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;22 Dec) Less is more â&#x20AC;&#x201C; most of the time. Adopting this philosophy has slimmed down your beer gut but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the cutting back on clothing and deodorant that is causing the issue. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got to be pretty damn hot before you can rock the â&#x20AC;&#x153;stinky man in a loin clothâ&#x20AC;? look without someone calling security. CAPRICORN (23 Decâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;19 Jan) Yellow is the color of the month. Yellow underpants, hell â&#x20AC;&#x201C; yellow over-pants! Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not sure why but the amount of yellow you wear will directly correlate with two things: random bee stings and the love of the ladies. Go forth and shine. AQUARIUS (20 Janâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;19 Feb) You are moving toward being an adult. One day soon you might be able to say the word â&#x20AC;&#x153;bumâ&#x20AC;? without giggling. You are paying bills, going on dates with girls you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to pay for and watching French films. Okay, that last one is just for the boobs. PISCES (20 Febâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;20 Mar) We were going to congratulate you on your successful migration to being a man-lady but it appears you have just been tricked into carrying a man-bag. While we wholeheartedly support our transgender buddies, a straight man with a handbag is just confusing.
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$BNQVT 5BML IBE B DIBODF UP TQFBL XJUI 3PCFSU 3PVOEUSFF PXOFS PG (BJOFTWJMMF .PWJOH BCPVU XIBU NBLFT UIFN TUBOE PVU GSPN UIF PUIFS NPWJOH DPNQBOJFT
Q: How are your services better quality then other moving companies?
A: Our services are the best because we care about our customers and their belongings. We are seasoned moving professionals who use industry leading techniques and equipment.
Q: Why is your service unique?
A: The main difference between us and other companies is the way we protect our customersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; belongings. We completely encase each piece in moving pads then wrap it in stretch wrap. This ensures that everything stays covered with the best protection possible.
Q: How about student discounts?
A: We offer three types of group discounts. One is for students, one is for senior citizens, and one is for military â&#x20AC;&#x201C; which Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m partial to because I was in the Navy. As long as you fit within one of those classifications, you get a 10% discount off the price we agreed upon.
Q: Do you charge any extra fees?
A: We charge absolutely no extra fees. We have a per-job pricing structure. The client gives me an inventory list and I give them a set price for the job.
Q: Are there any other specifics youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to tell us about the company?
A: We want to be known for going above and beyond for our customers. One goal we really strive for is being personable with all of our clients, because when we get feedback from the clients saying that we were the best moving experience theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever had, we know all the hard work was worth it! Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the way we intend to keep it â&#x20AC;&#x201C; setting the bar high!
GBDFCPPL DPN HBJOFTWJMMFNPWJOH
XXX HBJOFTWJMMFNPWJOH OFU Totally useless fact: Barbieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.