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Life Advice The Ways of the
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Fling The Naughty or Nice Gauge
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How 2 Fight
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD READING
P58
09 War on Christmas 10 How 2 Have a Winter Fling
P32
14 Battling the Freshman
15 During the Holidays 16 Skedouche.com Gives Tacky Sweaters “New” P24 17 Naughty Nice 18 Frank the Cab Driver 22 The More Twisted the Better! 24 A Siblings Guide to Kid Shows that Don’t Stink 30 Your Major Determines What Girl You’ll Marry
P92
P09
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P10
32 The Cure to the
P52
Common Hangover 56 How to Avoid Travel Booking Mistakes from Virtual Toursit 66 4 Levels of Chivalry 65 CT’s Home Remedies 70 Identity Theft 82 College Life Tips 84 Managing Your Money 85 Kitchenability 92 Breaking Up is Hard to Do
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 12 CT Approved Holiday Cards
52 Music Reviews
34 Big Meals on the Cheap
54 Sore Thumbs
at Restaurant.com 35 12 Medical Terms Gone Wrong 38 Autocorrect.com 40 Anti-Stress Kit 41 Sheckism 42 Chill Out 46 Gator Giving
58 CT Holiday Gift Guide 64 Spot the Difference 81 New Year’s Resolutions
Madlibs 86 Flicks 94 Pick-Up Lines
Totally useless fact: A group of owls is called a parliament (so what do they call a group of “White Owls”?).
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7
WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER A Last Hoorah for 2012 With another fall semester on its end, it’s time to turn to the New Year. As with so many Decembers before, the holidays will pass in what seems like moments – gifts will be given, resolutions will be listed and, just as you settle into holiday leisure, Spring Semester will strike to jostle you back to reality. That being said, a break is just that: a break. So instead of worrying about neatly packing your things and rushing home to the family, break out the champagne and party favors and bring in 2013 with an all-out, last hoorah for this year of once-impending apocalypse. To celebrate, CT is stuffing this month’s issue with your favorite monthly staples as well as an interview with No One Lives actor Derek Magyar, some advice to help you avoid that holiday weight gain, some quick tips on college living and ways to be a VIP even when you’re broke, and the always-helpful insight of our good friend Frank! Instead of sitting around thinking about next year’s eventual unfulfilled resolutions, get your books sold back, throw your clothes in a garbage bag and get out there to live up 2012 while it lasts! Oh…and don’t forget about finals.
Daniel Sutphin
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.(wonder how they figured this out?)
HOLY(DAY) WAR! By John Scheck
War On Christmas
Folks, we have terrible news. There is a war on Christmas. Instead of letting “them” take Christmas Can Santa’s elves make toys every child away from “us,” we decided to take action. for on the planet? By trying to scientifically prove the existence of Christmas, we think we can coerce retailers into once again greeting shoppers with “Merry Christmas” instead of the politically correct “Happy Holidays.” We felt that we could provide more conclusive evidence than the 50,000 letters addressed to Santa Claus that vindicated Saint Nick in Miracle on 34th Can reindeer fly? Can Santa Street. We began with a Claus slide The popular ballads telling of the list of Christmas truisms exploits of Santa’s sleigh drivers down a chimney? are all the proof we need, but we For our next experiment, we and exposed them to wanted to establish this fact enlisted the help of 65-year-old the cruel scrutiny of scientifically. We traveled to the Armando Escovedo. We lowered scientific investigation. Lapland region of Finland to find the retired Seattle fireman on
Does the holiday season promote peace on earth and goodwill?
Sure, why the hell not, just as long as you aren’t standing between me and the sale items at Wal-Mart. I, myself, am not normally a violent man, but they had Hanes men’s briefs on sale, three for $7. The National Guard should have fired off warning shots to direct the crowd. I was just protecting what was mine.
a herd of reindeer. We transported 15 of the sturdiest examples of the breed to our testing center at the Space Needle in Seattle. Working closely with a team of aerodynamic engineers from Boeing Aircraft, we joyfully launched the reindeer, one by one, from the top of this Seattle icon. Results indicated that reindeer cannot fly. However, as a side note, reindeer meat is quite flavorful and tender, although the tenderness may have been the result of dropping the animals from 605 feet in the air.
top of a chimney and waited to see how long it would take him to make it into the living room. Although paramedics pronounced Mr. Escovedo dead at the scene after spending nearly three hours extracting him from his sooty grave, we feel that our test subject may have had other health issues that contributed to his demise and, thus, to the failure of our experiment. We are having some difficulty in finding another (willing) old, gray-haired and overweight volunteer for further investigation into this matter.
Totally useless fact: In The Empire Strikes Back, there is a potato hidden in the asteroid field.
Although they refused to allow us to call them elves, we employed a group of midgets to work under harsh arctic conditions. The result was a rather resounding, “Yes!” We proved, without a doubt, that by working a small group of “elves” 20 hours a day, seven days a week, our team was able to make a hell of a lot of toys. Granted, the toys were kind of crappy, and thanks to an Amnesty International report, we may be facing a human rights violation tribunal in The Hague, but there can be no denying that it is possible to make a prodigious amount of toys using heightchallenged workers. The trick is to keep them, how shall we say, motivated. Techniques that we found to be successful were constant threats of physical violence, holding workers’ family members hostage and always supplying an open bar at company functions (you might think that little people don’t drink much but you would be very wrong). campus talk
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december 2012
9
A LIL’ HEAT FOR THAT WINTER CHILL!
How 2 By Bella Fountain
Have A Winter Fling
Ah, the weather has chilled and a young man’s mind turns to… boobies. But then he reminds himself he isn’t 11 anymore and his mind turns to… beer. Oh, come on! Why not combine your two immature infatuations and find someone who likes you enough to show you some boobies and bring you a tasty beverage?
You see, fellas, you’re not the only ones feeling the cold. Eligible females are feeling frosty and lonely, too! They’re jealous of friends that managed to hold on to their men through the fall and are feeling self-conscious about the half a pound of ass fat caused by microwaveable burritos, donuts and self-loathing. In other words, they are ripe for the picking! But how should you go about sexing up the winter solstice? How do you pull off a successful winter fling? Well, my romantically retarded pal, take my advice and you’ll be wiling away these winter days in a far different position than last year. Yes, I know that last winter, the only joystick that saw any action was that of your pathetic, lonely PS3. Heed my advice, though, and you’ll be moaning ho-ho-ho all winter break long! First things first, no one is going to touch you looking the way you do. And it’s only because I don’t care about you that I can tell you so honestly that you smell like the rhinoceros cage at the zoo. You’re going to need to scrub yourself up a bit. My best advice is to track down the non-girl in your life. You know her; she’s the one that you’ll never date but still hangs around you secretly hoping that one day you’ll fall madly in love with her anyway. That’s the girl you need. Take her out shopping, let her dress you up the way she’d like to see you out on your dream date… then ditch her at the mall and go looking for a hottie that doesn’t remind you of Aunt Beatrice. 10
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If you can get past the first impression based solely on looks, there’s still time for you to salvage a decent week’s worth of sex before crude jokes start flying out of your mouth along with massive wads of spit. Look, this is a vacation hook-up, not an all-out relationship. You don’t have to be Prince Charming but you also don’t want to seem like a contestant on The Bachelorette.
Now that you’ve groomed yourself, learned to act like a civilized human being and actually nabbed a suitable hook-up, there’s really only one thing left to do – get down! Make the most of your short affair by treating her to high-class experiences. Making out in the back seat of your car, midday nookie in the department store changing room and late-night romps in your parents’ laundry room are all viable options. Anything more would be spoiling her… and after all, she’s just a hook-up!
Totally useless fact: The Old English word for “sneeze” is “fneosan.”
Happy
Holidays
HappyHolidays
Happy Holidays
Happy
NOEL
Happy Holidays
Dear Boyfriend, Happy Holidays, pooh bear! Through the good times (those five minutes in the restaurant bathroom) and the bad times (the rash that ensued from that Ale House tryst), we’ve shared it all. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend the next semester with until I go study abroad, break up with you and settle with some Italian winemaker in Tuscany. Love,
Dear Girlfriend, Merry Christmas! You’re hot. Unfortunately, I’ve found someone else much hotter than you while on winter break. Later. All The Best, P.S. Thanks for letting me videotape you in bed…
Dear Mom and Dad, Happy Hannukah! What can a child say about his parents that truly underscores the impact they’ve had on his life? Furthermore, what can a child say that will divert his parents’ attention from the fact that he just dropped nearly $500 on their credit card at the local strip club? Your Favorite Son,
Dear Grandma, Happy Holidays! As 2012 comes to an end, I’m reminded of how lucky we are to have had you in our lives for another year. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, how about covering the down payment on my upcoming spring break cruise? You want your little princess to be happy, right? Love Always, Dear Professor, Merry Christmas! I wanted to thank you for not failing me even though you caught me red-handed with the cheat sheet in my hand. I’m not sure if it was the significant check my daddy wrote to the university or the fact that he threatened your job if you didn’t look the other way, but I felt the need to relay my gratitude to you either way. See you in class next semester! Sincerely,
r o f e c r u o s r You ! e s i d n a h c r e logo m
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PART OF
keeping healthy
The Freshman 15 starts in August and really isn’t noticeable until winter break. The holiday season ignites fat storage due to heavy amounts of desserts and way too much food. Typically, a freshman ventures out from Thursday to Sunday consuming alcohol, spending mommy and daddy’s money and then eating pizza at 2 a.m. before passing out. One of the worst things to do is to eat before bed and, more specifically, to eat carbohydrates before bed is the ultimate no-no. Freshmen are in a whole new world away from their parents’ house and away from homecooked meals.
By Kevin “Kage” Pearson
Battling
the Freshman 15 during the Holidays 14
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december 2012
Winter season is a time for boots and thicker outfits for the ladies. True attention gluttons will bear the coldness and make it out in a miniskirt, but for everyone else, it’s time for thick-layered attire. This doesn’t remind you of the weight you slowly gain because it’s not tight fitting and you don’t reveal skin. You are happy with how you look and do not notice the inches slowly accumulating around that waist.
Totally useless fact: “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
keeping healthy
Dietary Tips
Drink ice-cold water on an empty stomach. It’s a great way to start off the morning. Your body will have to generate heat so the water is at body temp. Also, try a month of only drinking water. Soda and fruit juices are empty calories so try to avoid them. Add some spicy food to your diet. One spice, capsaicin, will add some kick in your sinuses as well as speed up your metabolism. It is the active ingredient in pepper spray, but I wouldn’t recommend spraying your buffalo wings with it. Avoiding alcohol is not an option simply because that would be no fun. Instead, switch to vodka/soda water. Do not get tonic. There are calories in tonic. The carbonation will help mask the vodka better than plain water too. Carbonated drinks also help alcohol absorb quicker. It is also a common misconception that alcohol has no calories. It actually has 7 calories per gram. A 1.5-ounce shot of vodka averages between 90–110 calories. Ask for weight loss supplements for holiday gifts. There are fat burners and there are cheat pills. Fat burners contain stimulants. They will provide an energetic feeling and speed up your metabolism. They can also increase your core temp with thermogenics. The cheat pills are stimulant free. They contain compounds that fool your mind into thinking you’re full and inhibit digestion. Hoodia, glucomanin and a few others will help by sending signals to the brain saying you’re satisfied. They also block some of the fat and carbohydrate absorption. Try not to eat right before bed, especially carbohydrates. Carbohydrates to most people are known to be a quick energy source. You use them to work out. When you are asleep you do not require the carbohydrates so they just store as fat. Fruit is nature’s candy. Fruits are comprised primarily of sugar. It may be true that fruits are much healthier than refined sugars in candy, but it will still have an affect on your blood glucose level and just make you hungry shortly after you ingest. If you eat fruits, you should do it at the beginning of the day.
Healthy Alternatives
• Low-carb tortilla wraps are high in fiber and protein.
Fitness Tips
100 Reps a day There is a movement forming that supports everybody doing 100 reps per day of any exercise. These are body weight exercises, so no equipment is required. Whether it is air squats, lunges or pushups, 100 reps per day is an easy way to help keep off the pounds during the holiday. Interval training Most men would rather do weight training over cardio. Women are often vice versa. One way to get them both in the same amount of time is with interval training. Between every set of weight lifting exercises follow it with five or 10 burpees (body weight exercise starting from standing and jumping into pushup position, chest touching floor, and then back up on feet and jumping at least 6 inches off the ground.) One rep should take less than 3 seconds. You can also try sprinting 100 meters between sets or even jumping on the treadmill for a minute. The interval training will keep your heart rate in constant fluctuation between athletic training, cardio, and fat burning zones. Force yourself for 30 days It takes an average of 30 days to make something habitual. Most people relate habits to bad tendency, but there can be good ones too! I once hated to jog, but I did it every other day for a month and it became a habit.
Sleep naked The body burns calories to stay warm. Wearing tight-fitting clothes to bed will keep your body warm for you so there will be no need for heat production through energy reactions. This was also stated on Dr. Oz so it’s deemed legitimate to 90 percent of women over 30. New Year’s Resolutions The number one resolution is weight loss. Make this your resolution if you feel you have a problem and tell everyone you can all over your Twitter and Facebook. The more you tell people the more pressure you have to fulfill your prophecy. Random fact Gluten free does not make something healthy so don’t make assumptions. It simply states that there is no gluten in the product for those who have an allergy to it. Kevin Kage is a certified personal trainer and a teacher of mixed martial arts at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He also works at Complete Nutrition and writes fitness articles for Swolescience.com. For more of Kevin Kage see youtube channel kevinkagemma and visit swolescience.com
Park your car in the tow away zone from 9 a.m.– 5 p.m. Most bars are near populous areas with little to no parking lots. The spots available tend to be tow-away zones during daytime hours. Drive your rust bucket (sober please) and park in one of these spots. Get drunk and hitch a ride home with someone. In the morning you will be forced to run to your car in fear of getting a ticket or towed.
• Turkey bacon is great, but get a Jenny O’s brand. • Greek yogurt is a great substitute for sour cream and most are fat free and high in protein. • Use hot sauce instead of ketchup. Tabasco has little to no calories and packs a lot of flavor; mustard is the same way. • Egg whites are huge in the world of getting jacked, ripped, lean, shredded or any other word that makes being in shape sound awesome. While there are some benefits from eating a whole egg, it is far easier to get lean using just the egg white, which is protein without the fat. Try using one whole egg with three egg whites if you want the best of both worlds. Totally useless fact: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
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if you want to destroy my sweater... By Daniel Sutphin
Skedouche.com Gives Tacky Sweaters
a “New” Life threads may look like those musty sweaters your grandmother made you shamefully wear as a child, but should you look closer, stark differences are quickly revealed.
It’s said that many things in life come full circle – a theory often supported with the case of an elderly person requiring the same care and attention as that of a small child or baby.
Of course the flaw in such a saying is that although the beginning and the outcome may be similar, they are never exactly the same. For an example, let’s consider the many tacky and potentially offensive sweaters being offered at Skedouche.com. These
With all this in mind, instead of sitting around this holiday season shamefully wearing those same musty sweaters and sneaking spiked eggnog at your parents’ house; get together with friends, throw a real party and almost come “full circle” by proudly wearing some tacky, naughty sweaters from Skedouche!
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1) Reindeer Games Sweater
Growing up, there were always songs about reindeer games blasting throughout the room, usually at some nauseating, overzealous extent. This year, scrap tradition and throw a new spin on the phrase with Skedouche’s Reindeer Games Sweater! The green v-neck features four reindeer enjoying a looser definition of the word “games”. It may look as innocent as the song portrayed but a closer look reveals quite the opposite. $69.99
2) Reindeer Threesome Sweater Who said Rudolph didn’t have any friends to play with? This inappropriate mastery of stitch features a reindeer threesome with Rudolph sandwiched in the middle (note the red nose)! $69.99
3) Santa Pimp Cardigan Sweater
For such a well-traveled man, it’s hard to believe that Mrs. Claus was the only woman in his life, even if that’s what the traditional story claims. Skedouche’s Santa Pimp Cardigan Sweater reveals Santa in a more “realistic” form, featuring good ole’ St. Nick with a pimp hat and cane, candy cane accents, and two cotton balls on the zipper pull. $59.99–$62.99
4) Nutcracker Pullover Sweater
The nutcracker is a holiday staple adorning many a dinner table during Yuletide feasts. This tried and true decoration has stood quietly at guard cracking nuts for generations. With Skedouche’s Nutcracker Pullover Holiday Sweater, the nutcrackers finally take a stand against the holiday-fueled, nut-cracking enthusiasts! $64.99–$67.99
5) Santa Suit Sweater Dress w/ Cleavage
The old, homely Mrs. Claus finally put some of Santa’s fortune to good use, and she’s never looked hotter! Complete with fauxcleavage, bring Mrs. Claus up to par with Skedouche’s Santa Suit Sweater Dress with Cleavage! $59.99
6) Excited Snowman
The often-docile snowman is never really one to crave attention. For generations he has stood out front with a kind smile, subtly welcoming guests and on-lookers. Skedouche’s Excited Snowman has a different kind of message. The smile may be the same, but his subtly has definitely reached a new height! $64.99–$67.99 16
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Totally useless fact: The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY!
naughty By Chris Jenkins
nice
quizZICAL!
Are You On Santa’s S*** List? What were you like in 2009? Maybe you did a little too much ho-ho-hoing. Or maybe you gave back to the community… by spreading that nasty lip sore around campus. With the holidays right around the corner, it’s time to find out if you were a goodie-two-shoes or a Grade A piece of s***.
Take the quiz and see for yourself! When your friends asked if they could copy your class notes, you… (A) copied them yourself,
by hand, with highlighted notations for the more important lessons discussed in class, then handed them out with smiley face stickers pasted on top.
You hooked up with a coed one night, and when you woke up the next morning in that person’s bed, you… get bagels and coffee, so you could wake them up with breakfast in bed.
for as long as it took to get over the heartbreak.
(B) quietly snuck out and
(B) had a drink or two but
(B) consoled that friend
at a rate of $1 per page.
(c) wrote completely fake
(c) quietly snuck out and
notes and gave them to everyone, laughing like a madman as they all failed the next exam.
(d) told them go f***
themselves.
Answer Key A = 4 points, B = 3 points, C = 2 points, D = 1 point
Your best friend was dumped and came to you for sympathy. You…
(A) stayed sober all night and dropped each and every friend off at their doorstep at the end of the evening.
(A) quietly snuck out to
went straight home, never to speak to that person again.
(B) let them make copies…
You and your friends went out one night, and you were the DD. You…
upheld your duties as DD.
(A) consoled that friend
by trying to set them up with a notoriously easy lay.
When your parents came to visit you one weekend, you (A) spent every second with them, going to the local museums and playhouses just to make them happy. (B) spent every second
with them, going to the local museums and playhouses… just to con them into giving you more money per semester.
(c) went to dinner with
many and blacked out in the club’s storage room.
(c) told that friend to get
over it and move on already.
them once or twice, then ignored them the rest of the weekend.
one-night stand with a roaring fart, then proceeded to Dutch oven them.
(d) drank more than any of your friends and ended up leaving them all there when you took a cab back to some random hookup’s place.
(d) immediately hit on the ex, then told your pal you were there scolding them for breaking your friend’s heart.
(d) told them you’d meet them at the local museums and playhouses, only to stand them up and meet your buddies at the bar.
If you scored 16–20, you’re not only in Santa’s good graces, you’re getting every last gift on your wish list.
If you scored 11–15, you might be on Santa’s nice list, but you’re only getting one or two presents.
If you scored 6–10, you’re officially on Santa’s s*** list. Better buy your own presents.
If you scored below 6, not only is Santa passing by your house, he’s hired a hitman to take you out for the betterment of society.
went straight to your boyfriend/girlfriend’s home.
(d) loudly woke up your
(c) had a few drinks too
Totally useless fact: Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
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frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Dear Frank,
Aren’t you getting SO SICK of the fact that you can’t say “Merry Christmas” anymore? It has to be “Happy Holidays.” How can we take back the language from all the politically correct people out there? Brian Um… I don’t know what company YOU’VE been keeping, but nobody has ever said anything but, “Thanks, same to you,” when I wished them Merry Christmas. Except for my neighbor Mister Kippelstein, but he’s a flaming New York liberal. Then again, that was less a War on Christmas and more a you-just-ran-over-my-mailbox type of thing. FRANK FACT: In Frank’s defense, it was REALLY good eggnog.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
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myc am
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pustal
Yo Frank,
This is more of a hypothetical, but suppose I get myself a girlfriend in the next couple of weeks. Will I be obligated to get her a Christmas present after so short a time? Stan Let’s ask what’s really on your mind: “How do I NOT screw myself out of sex in a Santa hat?” And the answer of course is: Give her a Santa hat! FRANK THOUGHTS: Few things are as hot as a naked Jewish chick in a Santa hat. Just that rare combination of blasphemy and willingness to have sex with me. (wistful sigh)
Hey Frank,
My internship is having a Christmas party. There are any number of co-workers who I would totally love having an ill-conceived alcohol-fueled hookup with. Any advice on making this happen? Jerome In the old days, you just carried cigarettes and invited those I-only-drink-when-Ismoke women outside with you. All I can say is do NOT under ANY circumstances attempt ANYTHING involving the mistletoe. It’s cute when you’re a chick. As a dude, you risk losing professional recommendations over that lame trick. Unless she’s REALLY hammered. In which case you probably don’t need it anyway. FRANK FACT: THAT WAS A JOKE, @$$HOLES! DATE RAPE IS WRONG!
Dear Frank,
I’m worried we’re becoming too dependent on technology and gadgets. Look at everyone walking around campus. They’ve got their nose in a phone so much that they don’t interact on a HUMAN level. This holiday season I would encourage you and your readers to give gifts that don’t require electricity. Let’s reconnect to a time before all these things going beep and boop. Saundra Beep and boop? What kind of antique phone are YOU using? Listen I’m the only one here old enough to remember a world without internet and magic phones. You have no idea what you’re asking us to return to! I just ordered lunch from my favorite place using an app that doesn’t make me talk to that annoying woman who always flirts with me in Spanish. I’ll stick with my Droid. YOU can rub sticks together and get called “Papito.” FRANK THOUGHTS: Google is not something one can fully appreciate unless one grew up using card catalogs. Seriously, Google THAT!
k .co m
december 2012
Totally useless fact: All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like to be seen wearing them in public.
CHARTED
WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE FORGETS TO LOG OUT OF FACEBOOK
TIME SPENT USING STICKY TAPE
TAPING THINGS
POST STUPID STATUS UPDATES
LOG OUT WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING
TYPE OF SOCCER INJURIES
REQUIRE MEDICAL ATTENTION
FINDING THE END
SUMMER!
AMAZING THINGS
REQUIRE ACTING CLASSES INTERNET
Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
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frank! Hey Frank,
Hi Frank,
I’ve got like this mad crush on Rachael Ray. That’s weird right? Ian A spunky, curvy little sparkplug who cooks everything with bacon, butter and salt? What’s NOT to love? She can extra virgin MY olive oil any day of the week. Or something. FRANK FACT: Yes Frank DVRs the show. What, you wanna fight about it? Because he’ll fight about it. He will take you DOWN. Then cook your girlfriend dinner in less than thirty minutes.
Frank-Love,
I’m doing a semester in Europe and I want it to be the experience of a lifetime. Any advice? Emily Unlimited train pass and condoms. Seriously that’s it. It’s EUROPE! If you come back not having experienced at least five countries and two torrid romances that transcend language barriers, you failed miserably. At life.
So I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure my boss has been flirting with me. I’m officially grossed out because, hello he’s my boss, and he’s also married with kids and stuff. But secretly in any other situation I’m pretty sure I’d go for it. So what do you think? Katie Let’s separate your issues here. A) Are you okay doing it with a married man? As somebody who has contributed to more broken vows than I’m necessarily proud of (okay I’m a little proud) I’m in no position to tell you what to do there. As to problem B) I imagine this is some kind of food service/ temp office job that you could literally find two dozen others today if things got post-coitally awkward. Bottom line, do it, don’t do it, but can we please stop having “official” positions and “secret” positions. We are not politicians here. If you want to do something, just do it and own it. FRANK FACT: Frank is a hypocrite. He “officially” hates the song “Call Me Maybe.”
Hey Frank,
I’m thinking about trying to quit smoking. Some friends said they saw you smoking one of those e-cigarette things. Are they any good? Are they helping you? Joey I look at e-cigarettes the way I look at veggie burgers. They’re interesting. They satisfy the same types of urges. But they are not and never will be a replacement for beef. Look at the e-cig for what it is. A toy. It gets the job done as far as getting your oral fixation, but if you put it on a bun with ketchup and expect it to hit your lungs like a real cigarette it’s going to sorely disappoint you. Or something.
Frank,
How do I know whether or not to kiss a girl at the end of the date? Steve Yes. Always yes. Always go for it. If she wants it and you kiss her, she’ll kiss back. If she doesn’t want it and you kiss her, she was never going to kiss back anyway. If she wants it and you DON’T kiss her, congratulations, you have pretty much FLUNG yourself into the Friend Zone. You literally have nothing to lose. FRANK THOUGHTS: The Friend Zone is rather underrated. After all, female friends are the ones who will point you toward their easy friends.
FRANK FACT: Frank saves his Winstons for really great sex.
k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal m a c y m
FRANK FACT: Frank has been known to fake foreign languages in bars for, ahem, “transcendent purposes.”
fran
Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 20
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december 2012
Totally useless fact: “Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und.”
hahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. “Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?” “Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.” The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter,” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.” The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you,” asked the bartender. “Yeah, except today is the last night.”
Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
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no one lives
Finding Your Inner Evil: A Chat with “No One Lives” Actor Derek Magyar In a battle of evil versus evil, actor Derek Magyar stars in “No One Lives” as Flynn, a rash gang member who finds himself in a battle for survival when his gang kidnaps a wealthy couple traveling cross-country. Fresh off the set of the horror film, Magyar sits down with CT to talk about his new movie, the art in fleshing out a character, his upcoming roles, his experience as a director and the launch of his new company, Auditionloft.com
Interviewed By Daniel Sutphin
THE MORE TWISTED THE BETTER! 22
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Totally useless fact: Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
no one lives C A M P U S LO D G E G A I N E S V I L L E . C O M
Can you tell me a little bit about “No One Lives?” It’s a film starring Luke Evans, Lee Tergesen, Adelaide Clemens and myself. It’s about a gang in a small town that messes with the wrong person. I’m the one that’s the most reckless and careless of the group. I start this whole onslaught where Luke Evans’ character – he’s called the “driver” – is coming after the group, one by one, and taking them out in the most gruesome, horrifying way. What makes this character so more challenging than previous roles? I think the director (Ryûhei Kitamura) gave me a lot of freedom, which was something that I really relished. The character’s really dark. I think for me personally, getting the opportunity to explore and make bold choices to really flesh out a character physically is exciting and a challenge at the same time. This director is regarded as more of a horror/cult director. Was it different working with this director, as opposed to others, because of the genre? I think that working with Ryûhei, and for him to be known for the genre, certainly has its positives. In a film like “No One Lives,” it comes out in the visual aspects. He masters the art of visual filmmaking that encompasses good characters, but it is more based on the exterior elements and everything that’s happening in the world. There were a lot of graphic, violent scenes in the movie that looked especially real. How was it actually shooting the film? Was there a lot of makeup work? Yes, a lot of tedious makeup. It’s funny because, I didn’t consider “No One Lives” to be a typical horror genre film because of the character development and dialogue. In most horror films, the priority is obviously the gore and how disgusting they can be. I see that you also have a movie coming up called “Phantom” with Ed Harris and David Duchovny. What was it like working with them? I was lucky enough to get to do almost all of my work on that film with both of them. Day one, beyond a doubt, was intimidating because both of those guys have been around for a long time. I knew of Ed Harris through CalArts, which is where I went to school; that’s his alma mater as well. Ed’s the kind of guy who will give you everything. He’s not the kind of guy who won’t read with you off camera. He’ll do everything for you, so long as you always give it back. I knew of David Duchovny through a friend of mine, Chris Carter (X-Files creator) who produced the film I directed that comes out in December called “Flying Lessons.” You also worked with Chris Carter on his new film, “Fencewalker.” What was that like?
Chris and I met through mutual friends. He told me about “Fencewalkers” while he was making “X-Files 2” and asked me to be a part of it. I said yes, I didn’t even need to look at the script. I play a full-blown, Neo-Nazi opposite Mehcad Brooks, who has become a very dear friend of mine. It was a dark and challenging role but amazing at the same time. I can’t wait to see the finished product of that film. What kinds of roles challenge you the most? For me, the darker the work, the more twisted, the more challenging, the more I’m going to enjoy it. For example, the first major role I really did was “Boy Culture.” I played a gay hustler and I’m straight in real life. That was something that was a huge challenge for me, but I took it on 100 percent because it was an amazing character, a great piece and I wanted that. At the end of the day, it’s about the work, about the risks and the chances of the things we get to do. The more challenging it can be, the more into it I am. You directed “Flying Lessons.” Is directing something you hope to get into more? I love directing. My father’s a filmmaker and a professor of film. I didn’t realize I would have the love that I found for it during the process of “Flying Lessons” and I look forward to doing a second film. I learned a lot from it, the good and the bad, but I definitely feel like it’s something I look forward to doing again. I learned so much over a three-year process of making Flying Lessons. I chose not to be in the film because I don’t think I could’ve handled it. Do you think directing has changed your perspective on acting? Absolutely. It’s given me a lot more perspective, especially in terms of what’s necessary, what’s important and what does or doesn’t need to be there. I started a company that I’m very excited about called AuditionLoft.com. The goal is to provide a place for artists to put themselves on tape for audition, but also to serve as a creative outlet and have a creative space to build and gain momentum on their own. It’s really hard to make that happen on your own Do you have any advice for up and coming artists? My advice, and I still have to remind myself of this, is that it’s a constant struggle. Stay grounded and remember who you are and never give up. That’s it. If you can live by those rules and if you have talent in whatever it is you’re doing, you will work… at some point. You can follow Derek Magyar on twitter. Also be sure to check out Auditionloft.com. Auditionloft. com offers artists a space to come and use the tools available to build the platforms they need to shine. Features will include self-tapes studio, demo reels, websites, casting postings, coaching and more.
Al� Inclusiv� 2, 3 & 4 Bedroo� Apartment�! WiFi Access • Computer Lab w/ Printing Exciting Social Events • Resort Style Pool 24 Hour Fitness Center • Basketball Courts South Beach Tanning Domes • Gated Community
C Facebook.com/TheCampusLodge 352.367.2800 | 2800 SW Williston Rd | Gainesville, FL 32608
Totally useless fact: Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
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NOT YOUR FATHER’S SESAME STREET by Brian Hodges
A Siblings Guide
to Kid Shows that Don’t Stink
The more the younger generation disappears into their various media outlets, the harder it seems to find ways to connect. And the shows they watch don’t make it any easier. Who amongst us has not wanted to hit something listening to Dora yell or Caillou whine? And tween fare isn’t much better, with dialogue that makes you constantly wonder if the younger generation is really that stupid. Fortunately, there are a few gems that will allow you to bond over TV time.
PHINEAS AND FERB – Disney XD (TV-G) Blending juvenile humor with the kind of sarcastic winks and references that only an elder viewer will get, this show is perfect for child/parent viewing. Following the same brilliant formula every episode, the title characters build some kind of invention that pushes the very boundaries of known and fringe physics while their sister sets out to bust them. Meanwhile their secret agent pet platypus (yep) battles Doctor Doofenshmirtz before he can use his own [Something Evil]-inator to take over the Tri-State area. There are wacky hijinks for the kids, literary and pop culture allusions for the grownups, hilarious one-liners for you both, and raucous funny songs that won’t make you invest in earplugs. 24
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december 2012
THE LEGEND OF KORRA – Nickelodeon (TV-Y7) Set in a world that looks like a 1950’s vision of the future – but with people who can manipulate, or “bend”, the elements of Water, Earth, Air and Fire – this cartoon blends just the right amount of drama, action, humor and philosophy to keep you and your kids on the edge of your seat. When teen Avatar, Korra (the only person who can bend all four elements) comes to the big city, she finds herself going head to head with a violent uprising that could threaten the world’s benders. But nothing is black and white here as morally ambiguous villains duke it out with abrasive anti-heroes. And in between it all, the show introduces a new sport called “Professional Bending” which, in this writer’s humble opinion, is destined to become the next Quidditch.
ADVENTURE TIME – Cartoon Network (TV-PG) In a post-apocalyptic world where the basic laws of physics seem to bend to the animators’ immediate needs, this series follows Finn the sword-wielding Human and Jake the shapeshifting Dog, whose various (adventures? tangents? A.D.D. streams of consciousness?) put them in contact with ice creatures, space princesses, candy people and other assorted characters… whose own internal physics likewise bend to the whims of the animators. And with its vague innuendos and total mind trip scenarios, one could be forgiven for assuming this is some sort of Adult Swim offering. But blatant absurdity often gives way to surprisingly heartfelt lessons such as “Be Loyal to Your Friends”, “Use Your Imagination” and “Make Good When You Boil Someone in Acid.”
BIG TIME RUSH – Nickelodeon (TV-G) In this tween sensation, four high school hockey players from Minnesota move to Hollywood to start a boy band. Doesn’t that sound like the most ridiculous, cheesy, downright stupid concept for a show? Yes it does! And therein lies its brilliance once you realize the writers are in on the joke. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of cheese to go around, but you’ll find yourself laughing more than rolling your eyes. And if you can flip off the pretentious switch in your head, you’ll have to agree those songs they’re shamelessly pushing on your offspring are pretty darn catchy. And hey, it’s totally cool, man. When your poker buddies spot those boy-tastic tracks in your iPod, you can just blame the kids!
Totally useless fact: Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.
play with yourself
R E B M E C DE
GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.
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play with yourself
CRYPTO QUOTE
Wishing well
EVEN EXCHaNGE SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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Totally useless fact: Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day
you sooooo cheated
R E B M E DEC
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank? Totally useless fact: Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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tic tac toe
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got just what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
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VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
Totally useless fact: The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
CAMPUS
1702 W. University Ave 352.692.4400
www.pitapit2go.com
Catering?
WE DO IT!
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DOWNTOWN 201 SE 2nd Ave 352.225.3539
www.relish2go.com
Totally useless fact: Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch.’
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LOVE LESSONS!
Business
Opposites may attract, but I prefer to look at relationships as two pieces of a puzzle. As such, if you make tons of money, it only makes sense that you end up with a gal who spends money like it is going out of style. It’s a good thing you’re adept at investing your assets, ‘cause you’ll need all the nest egg you can get after the Mrs. has spent your yearly salary in one shoe-shopping extravaganza. The trade-off for financing your wife’s small country worth of clothes? A hot meal on the table when you come home every night. And they say life ain’t fair…
Pre-Law
Your Major Determines By Charlotte Layce
What Girl You’ll Marry You’re young. You’re foolish. You think the future holds limitless opportunities for you. Little do you know that you’re actually traveling down a very narrow and specific path that will lead you to one type of woman. And all of this is based exclusively on your current major. Yeah… it’s that important. 30
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English
I hate to break it to you, but you’re destined to end up alone… at least until you find a better job than night manager at the local Wendy’s. While it was cool to take film studies in undergrad and write about the cinematography in What Dreams May Come, your useless major has resulted in limited job prospects and even more limited girl prospects. At best, you might net the cashier at your current fast food employer. At worst, you’ll make love to Rosy Palms every night. But, hey, that’s what hookers are for, right?!?!
Pre-Med
Congrats! You’ve effectively surrounded yourself with a very smart, very select group of young women. Gone are your days of duping drunken chicks into sleeping with “Dr. Dave.” You’re destined to wed a sharp-minded babe with an equally sharp scalpel… which she will promptly use to castrate any manhood you had left. Get ready for a lifetime of tending to others, be it patients at the hospital or your wife at home. At least you’ll have a legit excuse for all those long hours away at night.
As adept as you are at manipulating the system, your better half will be twice as skilled at manipulating you for her benefit. See, you’ve spent so much time studying and honing the art of arguing that when you finally close the books for some R&R, the last thing you’ll want to do is fight over what to watch, what to eat and who gets to be on top later. On the bright side, when you get tired of your bossy babe, there’s always that sexy secretary from your office. Just tell the wife that you’re working overtime on an extremely sensitive case that needs immediate probing. Don’t feel guilty… she’ll be cheating on you at the same time with that hunky pool boy she’s paying with your salary.
Journalism, Communications, Marketing, PR
Can you say trophy wife? Or perhaps washed-up TV star spouse? Truth be told, every woman on the planet with an aspiring eye for stardom will want to bed you. And truth be told some more, we have no shame about it! If you can use us for cheap, meaningless sex (that sometimes turns into marriage), we can certainly use you back for our own aspirations. But let’s be perfectly clear about something: as soon as we find a better opportunity (read: better lay), we’ll dump you faster than yesterday’s news. Yeah… the same news you reported on-air. Welcome to showbiz, sucker!
Totally useless fact: 3.6 cans of Spam are consumed each second.
We can help you find your way to your next apartment…
WWW.COLLEGERENTALS.COM
I’M NEVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN!!! By Kevin Kage Pearson
The Cure to the Common
Hangover
Warning: the information and ideas written in this article are based solely on Kevin Kage and his experiences in life and have little to no research conducted in the next few paragraphs. If they did, then it would probably be boring. Enjoy!
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There’s nothing worse to top off waking up next to a chick in her mobile home with two kids and five cats than to have a miserable hangover. I’ve had so many horrific hangovers that I stopped drinking because of them. There has to be some sort of solution to this havoc. It is obvious that our bodies require some sort of alcoholic consumption because if it didn’t then it wouldn’t be so much fun! Liquid courage is a perfect expression for it. By lowering inhibitions, alcohol gives unlucky people a handicap in the game of mating. We’ve all had the walk of shame, but the hangover lasts longer than the five minutes or less it takes to get to your car or dorm. I’ve asked plenty of veteran drinkers about their hangover cures and added that to my personal experiences. Here are my thoughts on prevention and treatment.
that has similar effects as that of caffeine. I mention caffeine because of the popular red bull vodka and/or original four loco drinks which were 24-ounce malt beverages with over 10 percent alcohol, spiked with more caffeine than a large coffee causing drinkers to be wired with energy through a stimulant. The effect is an extreme amount of energy while intoxication occurred without any side effects of drowsiness, slowing of reaction time or cognitive thinking. In layman’s terms, people drink this without warning signs until it was too late and they woke up in jail, or even worse, next to a big fat fatty. Well, for preventative care, the best method seems to be electrolytes and fluid. You can drink lots of water, but you will just urinate it out without the electrolytes to hold it in and maintain a chemical equilibrium.
Preventative Methods There is a wide belief that a hangover is caused by dehydration. I think it is the greatest contributor. Alcohol is a diuretic
For every three drinks you consume, you must add a glass of water. This hardly ever works because who the hell wants to tip the bartender for a plastic cup filled with 90
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percent ice and tap water. Those chaser pills are just a hoax because the directions want users to drink one water in between every alcoholic drink. Doing the water part alone would chase the next day grogginess away so I’m pretty sure the pills are placebo effect. Complete Nutrition carries a product called Replenish that they market towards endurance athletes. Lots of runners and cyclists come to the store and stock up by the pound. I brought about 50 sample packs to my MMA gym and gave it to the members that I knew partied hard – all positive feedback. It is tons of B vitamins, electrolytes, and amino acids. Pedialyte is what most MMA fighters take after cutting near 15 pounds of water weight. Unless you plan on getting obliterated until you blackout, I would recommend just drinking some Gatorade. Gas stations and convenience stores don't carry Pedialyte, so Gatorade is the next best thing. There is this new asparagus wave going around through media. A study with asparagus showed that the amino acids and
Totally useless fact: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
I’M NEVER GOING TO DRINK AGAIN!!! minerals in the vegetable not only make urine smell strongly stingy, but also prevents hangovers. I also don’t know many young people that have asparagus lying around the kitchen between all the empty top shelf bottles filled with highlighter water to produce a neon glow. By the way, Captain Morgan is not top shelf booze. Stop with the bragging rights and claims to be “balling out” like the Miami Heat. (The Miami Heat racked up a bar tab of over $200,000 after winning NBA championships in 2012.)
ride out the sickness. It is known as “hair of the dog”. There is some truth behind more alcohol consumption to treat a hangover but it only masks the problem with a numbing effect and can create alcoholism and a dependency. If all you need is numbing, then go out and get your a** beat again by the bouncers that kicked you out for passing out in the bathroom. Remember the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is that an alcoholic goes to AA meetings.
Prickly pear juice is another new scientifically proven method. This only works if you take 8 ounces of the juice within 5 hours of consumption. It was seen on Dr. Oz, so it must be true. (His influence on viewers is funny.) If he said that giving "BJ’s" is the cure to the common cold, then there would be a lot of happy men in the U.S. and divorce rates would decrease ten fold.
Top choice by Campus Talk readers, who tend to be drunks, is Excedrin migraine with Gatorade. Excedrin migraine has acetaminophen, aspirin and caffeine. The combination lowers the pain, nasal congestion, headache and improves blood flow. Adding Gatorade helps with rehydration and electrolytes.
Caffeine is awesome. It is proven to increase short term memory, reaction time and cognitive functions. It also seems to offset the hangover.
These suggestions should be experimented with to find which recipe works best for you. If you can’t afford any of the products mentioned then try lots of sex! Nothing scientifically proven on this one, but the fond memories may distract your mind from the headache.
The ultimate cure would be IV fluids and Phenergan. Phenergan Morning treatment: When it’s too is an anti-nausea medication, late to prevent it and you have but it’s not over the counter. school or work, then modern The IV fluids are in the hospital. medicine will do the trick. Top By the time the ER gets to you advice by Campus Talk fanatics the hangover probably will is caffeine, Excedrin migraine dissipate. I suggest making (Tylenol with caffeine), Phenergan friends with nursing students and and more alcohol; this, in “paramedicks”V (male paramedic). conjunction with the fluids/ Date a nurse and never worry electrolytes mentioned previously. about hangovers again.
B vitamins are used in energy reactions. They are added to energy drinks because of this. The ultimate cure would be a B-12 shot, but I’m pretty sure grandma needs it more than you do. I’m a fanatic of NSAIDS (nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents) because alcohol is an inflammatory agent, so why not take an anti-inflammatory. It’s encouraged to have food in your stomach with these so eat protein. The protein is not some sort of trick to lose the hangover. It is simply so you can look a little better to the person you made a fool of yourself to last night. Many folks say to drink a little more of alcohol and it will help
Number one way to avoid a hangover is TO STAY DRUNK!!! Offbeat oddity Drinking 2 cans of four loco is the same as drinking an eight loco! Kevin Kage is a certified personal trainer and a teacher of mixed martial arts at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He also works at Complete Nutrition and writes fitness articles for Swolescience.com. For more of Kevin Kage see youtube channel kevinkagemma and visit swolescience.com
Totally useless fact: Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
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TASTY SAVINGS!
Big Meals on the Cheap at Restaurant.com Returning home for the holidays can often be stressful, not only for you, but also for your parents. Between the shopping, the cooking and the extendedfamily accommodations, a break from the grind and the always-present nitpicking is often a holiday requirement. One option for a simple break could be eating out from time to time, thus saving the major cooking stress for the actual holiday instead of all the days leading up to it. The only problem with eating out is that it can get expensive, and, as it happens around this time of year, money is often already tight.
Restaurants.com has a solution! Restaurants.com works with local restaurants and small businesses to give diners the cheap deals on every meal. The website is offering $25 Gift Certificates to a variety of restaurants and Campus Talk is GIVING THEM AWAY! Post a comment regarding restaurant.com on the Campus Talk Facebook page (facebook.com/ CampusTalkMagazine) and get a chance to win a $25 gift certificate for restaurant.com! Find deals at www.restaurant.com
This year, as the in-laws invade and the stress surmounts, help your parents out by suggesting Restaurants.com to find a little holiday relief without the usual high-cost. 34
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Totally useless fact: Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
HE SAID WHAT?!
12
Medical
Terms
Gone
Wrong
Placed in the wrong hands, or in this case mouth, these words can be used in the wrong context than their original, professionally appropriate intent. Proceed with caution…
Barium
What the undertaker does to ’em once the doctors are through with ’em
Benign
What a child be after they be eight
Cauterize To have gotten noticed by a woman
Node
To have been acquainted with someone in the past
Pap Smear
To insult or belittle your own father
Pathology The study of trails
Cyst
Rectum
Dilate
Tumor
Impotent
X-Rayed
To give someone a helpin’ hand It sure beats dyin’ early Significant and distinguished
Crashed ’em and totaled ’em Not just one more For adult audiences only
Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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Totally useless fact: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Stewardessesâ&#x20AC;? is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
damnyouautocorrect.com
Totally useless fact: Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
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charted
ACTUAL VS. PERCEIVED SPEED
TIME SPENT ON POPUP ADS
PERCEIVED ACTUAL LOOKING AT AD BREAKING THE SOUND BARRIER OMG, SLOW DOWN SPEED LIMIT FINDING THE “X” BUTTON
10 UNDER SPEED LIMIT BARELY MOVING ADULT
GRANDMA
TEENAGER
LIKELIHOOD OF YOU KNOWING THE ANSWER TO THE $1,000,000 QUESTION WHEN YOU’RE IN THE HOT SEAT
TIME SPENT ON GOOGLE EARTH
SCHOOL RESEARCH
GENERAL RESEARCH
WHEN YOU’RE THE PHONEA-FRIEND
WHEN YOU’RE WATCHING AT HOME
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FINDING MY HOUSE
Totally useless fact: Pearls melt in vinegar
hialrious!
Scheck-isms by john scheck
A winner never quits and a quitter can get a partial refund on that gym membership you never use.
Offer expires 12/31/12
Totally useless fact: Humans are the only primates that donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have pigment in the palms of their hands.
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for the girls
CHILL by Emily Alter
OUT Time to bring on the winter chill and bring out the snow angel in you. These beauty products will have you keeping cool and looking hot in any season.
China Glaze Holiday Joy in Blue Bells Ring Make a statement in this icy blue with just enough shine. Your nails will define winter bliss! $7 chinaglaze.com, salons and beauty supply stores nationwide
China Glaze Holiday Joy in Champagne Kisses Cheers to the holidays, cheer to China Glaze! This champagne glitter will have you celebrating. $7 chinaglaze.com, salons and beauty supply stores nationwide
China Glaze Holiday Joy in Angel Wings This delicate gold dust and subtle sparkle will have you looking angelic!. $7 chinaglaze.com, salons and beauty supply stores nationwide
Revive with 5 Bath Set Enjoy three new scents from Kneipp to revitalize and calm in this natural 5 piece aroma bath set. Perfect to give to a friend or to yourself this holiday season. $22 fine spas and apothecaries nationwide, kanvasbeauty.com and kneippus.com
China Glaze Holiday Joy Holiday Charms Gift Set with Winter Holly, Red Satin, Merry Berry and Glitter All The Way
This mini-bottle gift set is perfect for your friends stockings, secret Santa or just a treat to yourself! Set the holiday spirit with your nails polished in these bold reds, dazzling green, and twinkling glitters! $16 chinaglaze.com, salons and beauty supply stores nationwide 42
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Violent Eyes Temporary Eye AppliquĂŠs
Glittery eyeshadow can fade away or smudge off with hours of wear, but not anymore with Violent Eyes. Being the first of its kind, Violent Eyes is the only glitter eye makeup that keeps the glitter on the eye! Make a statement with these headturning easy-to-use appliquĂŠs. $9.99 specialty boutiques and violentlips.com
Totally useless fact: Thirty-Five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
for the girls
Vince Camuto Collection Men’s Gift Set This bold, masculine fragrance is the first just for men from Vince Camuto. With pairings of leather, sandalwood and vetiver, every guy will have a mysterious edge and an alluring scent. $75 department stores, Vince Camuto boutiques and vincecamuto.com
Vitabath Grapefruit Vanilla Fragrance Mist and Body Wash
Give the gift of fruity and fresh body products from Vitabath. The sugary sweet smelling body wash and fragrance mist make perfect gift sets. $9.99 fragrance mist, $7.99 body wash myvitabath.com
Benecos Glamour Eye Set
Glam up your eyes the natural way with this BDIH certified natural eye makeup kit! Includes silvery-purple eye shadow, rich black mascara and bright blue bold eyeliner. $33 lovetruenatural.com
Vince Camuto Collection Women’s Gift Set
This polished, chic perfume gift set will be at the top of your wish list this holiday season. The kit includes two parfum sprays, body lotion and bath and shower crème in contemporary and sophisticated style. $85 department stores, Vince Camuto boutiques and vincecamuto.com
Totally useless fact: The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO, COCA-COLA, BUDWEISER, in that order.
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CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2012
The Optimist
I
n recognition of your uncanny ability to dash othersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; chances at negative bliss with your happy-go-lucky, Disney Channel charm. Others may be more comfortable dwelling in the vacant bottom of the metaphorical glass, but NO, you have to find a way to brighten their day for no other benefit than to that of your own self-indulgence, thus spiraling them into an even lower state of disgust and negativity. Smell your roses and pet your bunnies in your little bubble of ignorance for now, but know that one day your bubble will pop and you, too, will be finding comfort in the bottom of an empty glass suffering the company of that warm, unnerving embrace of your previous nature.
presented by signed date
Totally useless fact: Kokomo, Indiana is the home of canned tomato juice.
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Give the Gift of Orange & Blue
Gator Giving by emily alter
Just because the football season is over doesn’t mean you can’t show your team spirit. Give the gift of Gator pride this season and be prepared for that first home game!
Misty Bag
So you’re geared up for the game, now where to put all your personal belongings? This bag will fit everything from wallet to sunglasses and have you looking trendy at the same time. $48 shoponeillusa.com
oneill Bombshell Tank Beat the heat and look as cool as you feel in this sleek light orange and black tank. You’ll look sharp in the flowy design. $36 shoponeillusa.com 46
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Totally useless fact: The bigger the navel, the sweeter the orange.
Give the Gift of Orange & Blue
oneill Arrow Sandal
Standing for the game like a devoted fan? You better have fashionable feet! These sandals will give you the comfort of leather flats you need with the style you want. $38 shoponeillusa.com
Sanuk Sandals Womens Yoga Spree Funk in Fuchsia Not only do these sandals scream comfort and relaxation like yoga, they are made from real yoga mats! Experience the squish-fit footbed of these sandals that are so comfortable, you’ll be thinking you’re barefoot. $32 sanuk.com
AMI Clubwear
Royal Blue Orange Scoop Neck Printed Belted Sexy Mini Dress
Whether you’re cheering on the Gators from the stands or the club, this short & silky dress will have you covered! $14.99 amiclubwear.com
Royal Blue Orange Colorblock Halter V Neck High Low Hem Dress
Look spirited and fun in this orange and blue halter dress. The uneven asymmetrical will have the crowds cheering for you! $14.99 amiclubwear.com
Totally useless fact: The dot over the lower case “i” is called a Tittle.
Coral Strapless Texture Sexy Party Mini Dress
Be original in this textured coral dress! Perfect for gamedays or just a Saturday afternoon, this dress will fit any occasion! $17.99 amiclubwear.com campus talk
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Give the Gift of Orange & Blue Lulus Exclusive Back Beauty Orange & Blue Dress
Look your best cheering for the Gators with this party dress! Decked out in bright orange and royal blue, this silky dress with pockets will have you looking hot! $40 lulus.com
Lulus Moxie to the Max Blue and Peach Maxi Dress
Have a maxi-mum amount of fun at the next Gator game with this chic blue and peach maxi dress. Flowy and fun, with a criss-cross back and side cut outs, this frock will have you setting trends. $56 lulus.com
Solstice Party Blue and Neon Orange Dress
Show your team spirit with some unique orange and blue hues. This dress will be the talk of the next Gator event! $35.50 lulus.com
Ne-On Time Strapless Blue and Neon Orange Dress
Stand out in the crowd at the next game in this bright neon dress! The sky blue and fun orange in this strapless mini-dress will have you ready to go! $35.50 lulus.com
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Totally useless fact: Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite.
ANTI-STRESS
KIT
Directions: 1) Put down textbooks and other studying material 2) Stare intently at the big circle
3) Bang head repeatedly in middle of circle as hard as possible 4) Black out 5) Conveniently wake up after exams have ended
Totally useless fact: Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s impossible to get water out a rimless tire.
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RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
What goes up #1 white and comes down yellow?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couchâ&#x20AC;Ś
#5
1) An egg, 2) A goose, 3) Fire, 4) The year 1961. It reads the same upside down. This will not happen again until the year 6009, 5) A yardstick.
What has a foot on each side and one in the middle? #2
#3
s What grows when w o r g t Wha ile it eats, but dies up wh g growin n it drinks? e h w down? 50
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#4
What happened in the middle of the tw entieth century that will not happen again fo r 4,000 years?
Totally useless fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts.
HAHAHA
A man sees a beautiful woman.
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
During Marine Corp basic training, one private was being hassled by his drill instructor.
“Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?” “Five bucks, sir.” “And how much for my suitcase?” “No charge for the suitcase, sir.” “Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk.”
“Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Corp, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave.” “Not me, Sarge!” the private replied. “Once I get out of the Marines, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
Approaching her, and in his coolest Barry White tone, he says, “If good looks were a minute, you would be an hour”
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer 50 dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
The woman looks deep into the man’s eyes and in her sexiest voice replies, “If good looks were within your reach, you wouldn’t have any arms.”
A fifth-grade class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that?” “Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise. Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”
Fall Events in Gainesville
Get Out And
About!
Ongoing: The Championship Seasons Photo Exhibit (Through Jan. 5)
Ice Skating on the Bo Diddley Plaza (Through Jan. 6)
A Tuna Christmas at The Hippodrome (Through Dec. 23)
A Christmas Carol at The Hippodrome (Through Dec. 22)
Nov. 30: November Artwalk Riders in the Sky at the University Auditorium Dec. 1: Cane Grinding at Dudley Farm Dec. 1: Overnight Hike at Paynes Prairie Dec. 7: First Friday Downtown Dec. 8: Gathering of the Artists Holiday Sale Dec. 14-16: The Nutcracker at the Phillips Center Dec. 28: December Artwalk Dec. 31: Downtown Countdown on the Bo Diddley Plaza Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts, and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website. VisitGainesville.com 352.374.5260
Totally useless fact: A rat can tread water for 3 days.
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HEADER Music Reviews
Tune In Turn On Plug In
AEROSMITH “Music From Another Dimension” For their first original album in more than a decade, the old-school rockers appear to be harkening back to their roots with the majority of the album. Tracks like “Luv XXX”, “Out Go The Lights”, “Legendary Child” and “Street Jesus” bring back Joe Perry’s choppy, blues-rock riffs that made the band in the 70s. Despite some overproduction on the vocals and an excessive use of synthesized horns, the tracks flow well from one to the next and the guitar interplay between Perry and Brad Whitford is always entertaining. 52
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SMOKE & JACKAL “EP No. 1” A stripped down, minimalist effort by Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill and Mona vocalist/guitarist Nick Brown, Smoke & Jackal holds elements of the duo’s main projects and southern rock roots but combines it with an airy, delayed guitar, heavy reverb vocals and a steady drum and bass to give it weight. Standouts include “Fall Around”, “No Tell” and “Ok Ok”.
CALVIN HARRIS “18 Months” Scottish DJ, singer, songwriter and producer, Calvin Harris focuses more on the productions and songwriting side for his latest project “18 Months”, which combines a year and a half of singles into one compilation. Although Harris sings on some of the tracks, he taps a variety of vocalists and co-producers for the album. With a blend of driving percussion and catchy synth lines, Harris pushes more into the American Pop realm, which is heard best in tracks “Bounce” with Kelis, “Sweet Nothing” with Florence Welch and “We Found Love” with Rihanna.
JERROD niemann “Free the Music” Country but with a more traditional, even at times, New Orleans-based blues influence, Jerrod Niemann’s “Free the Music” is a down-home, up-beat collection of songs. The blues influence gives his music a more individual life and style in a genre that is so often restricted by its own demeanor. His twang is subtle instead of being overly verbose like so many of his peers. The music is spirited and cleanly produced. Standouts include “Guessing Games”, “Free The Music” and, believe it or not, “Honky Tonk Fever”.
The Script “No.3” The Dublin-based pop band return with an album of melodic, vocally driven rock-pop songs. Although the album is often downtrodden with singer Danny O’Donoghue attempt at rapping, the music and vocals come together nicely on other tracks. With obvious U2 influence, “Kaleidoscope” stands out as the strongest track with slightly fuzzed, delayed guitar and catchy, soaring vocals that even Bono could be proud of. Other tracks where the band sticks to their rock-pop roots, “Glowing” and “Six Degrees of Seperation”, also hold up in the overall listen.
Totally useless fact: A snail takes 33 hours to crawl 1 mile.
Totally useless fact: Ants prefer not to walk through baby powder.
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game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Far Cry 3 X-Box, PS3, PC December 4 In this open world, first-person shooter, players explore a diverse and dangerous island as Jason Brody, a once care-free twentysomething, whose biggest ambition was partying with his friends. Now stranded on the island, Brody must save his friends before the lawless pirates who rule the islands sell them into slavery. Players can customize weapons, skills and approach to each mission. The game features a full co-op campaign, as well as a map editor to create and access new content. 54
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Guardians of Middle Earth X-Box, PS3 December 4 As shadows loom over Middle-earth, players must take up arms and join the melee in five versus five engagements with live players or AI combatants. The game features over 20 Guardians, including Gandalf, Sauron, Gollum, Thráin and more. Gamers can purchase items and buffs between matches and coordinate with allies using in-game voice communication. The game also provides access to a comprehensive online stat and leader board system where they can track friends’ victories and defeats.
Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath PS3 December 27
With 720p visuals, improved character models, detail-enhancing effects, and remastered dialogue, this new enhanced version of Stranger’s Wrath brings the alien environment to a whole new level. Gamers take the role of a bounty hunter simply named, the Stranger. Wrath cleanly switches from first and third-person gameplay, allowing players to hunt outlaws with a special weapons system that uses living ammo, such as bees, spiders and face eating creatures.
Mass Effect Trilogy PS3, PC
(In Stores Now)
Bringing together all three award-winning titles, the Mass Effect Trilogy holds over 75 hours of story content. Players can create and customize their own character. Lead Commander Shepard through all three games in a battle against an ancient alien race called the Reapers. Experience a highly detailed universe where the player’s decisions bring consequences on the action and the outcome. Alongside a team of devoted soldiers, each player decides how they will save the galaxy, from the weapons and abilities to the relationships they forge or break.
Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse X-Box, PS3
(In Stores Now)
Playing off the popular Multiverse episode of the cartoon comedy series, Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse brings the comical voice-cast and writers to the gaming world. The game features a new original story focusing on Brian and Stewie as they travel back through the Multiverse on a mission to stop Stewie’s nemesis Bertram. The third-person shooter also features challenge levels, multiplayer maps, unlockable characters, such as Joe Swanson, and a co-op mode.
Totally useless fact: A group of officers is called a mess.
CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS
PRIZES
EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE
STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT
TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE
Booking Without the Blunder! How to
Avoid Travel
Booking
M istakes from VirtualTourist With holiday rates swelling and a constant barrage of news stories about flight delays, it’s no wonder there seems to be a continuous flow of complaining about holiday travel. But it doesn’t have to be a complete headache. With 10 easy steps, the editors and members of VirtualTourist, the premier resource for travelers seeking an insider’s perspective, have compiled a list of “Ten Tips to Avoid Travel Booking Mistakes.” Tip 1. READ THE FINE PRINT The most glaring and common mistake is to not read the Terms & Conditions page thoroughly. Travelers are often upset because they booked their flight/room/ tour thinking it was at a great price, only to learn later that for this “price,” the reservation is non-refundable or only partly so after a certain date. Another common mistake is a great flight deal that turns out not so great once the long list of extra fees are tacked onto the total. Tip 2. CHECK YOUR HOTEL LOCATION BEFORE BOOKING When booking online, make sure to map your prospective hotel to see exactly where it is located before booking. Sure, it can be vaguely listed as Paris/London/ San Francisco/Toronto, but in actuality, it can be on the fringes of nowhere, far away from frequent public transit or any of the sites you came to see. Another common mistake is numbered streets – you might assume 7th street is all one area, but in fact, South and North can completely change an address in many cities. A great deal on a hotel can be blown quickly in transportation to and from where you need to be.
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Tip 3. MAKE SURE YOU’RE BOOKING FOR THE RIGHT CITY One of the worst mistakes a traveler can make when booking online is not properly reading the country they are destined to. Can you image booking a trip to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower and ending up in Texas? Always make sure to read, and re-read, your final destination before booking. Tip 4. ALWAYS DO YOUR OWN COMPARISONS When comparing prices, don’t believe any internet service or site that claims they have the lowest or best priced packages until you have visited the competition’s sites, and when possible, the ultimate service provider’s internet site. Tip 5. KNOW YOUR BOOKING OPERATOR When booking a package with a travel agency, make sure you understand the difference between an agent that does all the work personally, and an agent that farms out needed services to others. Also, read the About Us section. If an agency has a genuine history on the About Us page, it gives them credibility. If the “how long have you been in business” portion is vague and filled with “testimonials” instead of a solid history, this is not a good sign.
Tip 6. PAY ATTENTION TO FLIGHT DETAILS Before booking a flight with a “budget airline,” it’s a good idea to check the airport’s page about its connections, or to do a map search to find out where exactly this airport is situated. Be careful about the flight times. Not all sites use “military time,” so sometimes 12:30 may mean just after midnight. Also, if you are flying to a different time zone, make sure you take into consideration time lost or gained in travel when booking your next leg: once you arrive in London, it may be a different day, so make sure that is reflected in your next flight to your final destination. Another trick: Low priced flights may occur because of the potential for expensive or very inconvenient arrival times, like public service trains or buses not running at that time, or needing to spend a layover in the very early morning for 4 hours before the next flight. Carefully consider whether a flight that requires an airport transfer is worth the savings and hassle after you subtract the transfer costs that are not covered by the airlines. Also, be aware that if you have to re-check your bags after a long layover or break in travel that you may encounter very different luggage limits on local flights even if you are traveling on the same airline. Tip 7. LOOK FOR EXTRA FEES Pay close attention to rental car charges, especially when traveling to different countries. Required insurance, unexpected taxes, and any kind of “extra” fees may appear, even if you have pre-paid. Tip 8. BE PREPARED Be prepared, at least mentally, for what you will do if the promised services do not materialize. A great example: if you bought traveler’s insurance, know the detailed procedure you will have to follow to make a successful claim if the airlines, your travel agency, or hotel operator do not make good on their promises. This procedure will be found in the smallest print in your insurance document.
Tip 9. KNOW THE DISTANCE When planning your activities, make sure you understand how far away everything is from each other and how you will get there. You don’t want to book something only to later learn that you can’t make it in time, a road is closed that season of the year, or you’ve schedule many of your activities far away from your home base. Tip 10. READ THE FINE PRINT Read, read, read before you book! While our members can’t influence the timeliness of your flight provider or the quality of snacks available during your layover, we hope these suggestions and tips ensure that at least when you book your flight this holiday season, it won’t cause as big of a headache as it used to! VirtualTourist.com is the premier resource for travelers seeking an insider’s perspective. Real travel tips, reviews and photos from real people who have actually been there and done that; this is what makes the travel content on VirtualTourist so useful! If you have any questions or would like to use the photos, please feel free to contact me at blake@VirtualTourist.com.
Totally useless fact: In an average lifetime the average American receives 31 prank phone calls (hopefully not per day!).
FLU SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
EVERYBODY!
shcc.ufl.edu
ȱǭȱ Ĵ DZȱ
Seasonal influenza vaccine provides the best protection available from seasonal flu.
SAVE YOURSELF THE HEADACHE. GET YOUR FREE* FLU SHOT AT UF STUDENT HEALTH TODAY! *Free flu shots (intramuscular injection only) available to current UF students with valid UF ID. Visit http://shcc.ufl.edu for more information.
GEARING UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS By Daniel Sutphin
CT Holiday Gift Guide BEHRINGER iNUKE BOOM JUNIOR
Packed with professional grade components and a three-way active speaker design, iNuke Boom Junior provides concert quality sound at home with crystal-clear sound at any level. Junior is a scaled-down version of Behringer’s 10,000-watt iNuke Boom, the world’s largest and loudest dock. $179.99 www.behringer.com
MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE WINTER GRAB BAG
Always a party favorite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade is joining the holiday festivities with its new winter grab bag, featuring the new limited release, Hard Chocolate Cherry. The 12-count variety pack also features its popular seasonal flavor, Winter Blackberry and Mike’s Cranberry Lemonade. www.mikeshard.com
SUPERTOOTH CRYSTAL
DUAL SNOWBOARDS
For some extreme winter adventure, forget about sledding, skiing or snowboarding and hit the slopes with the innovative Dual Snowboards. The boards are ridden sideways down a hill like a traditional snowboard, but also provide more versatility, as well as the potential to do tricks. The unique design is not only suitable for experts, but also can accommodate new riders, allowing them to walk around obstacles and up hills. 265.00 www.dualsnowboards.net
For safety and convenience, the Supertooth Crystal links wirelessly by Bluetooth with your phone, providing hands-free calls while driving. No installation is required. Simply attach it to the car’s sun visor and experience hands-free calls. Its forefront, big buttons make access to the key commands much easier and provides up to 20 hours of hands free talk time with a 3-hour charge. $69 supertootstore.com 58
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Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
GEARING UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS CM4 Q CARD CASE for iPHONE 5
Made from soft-touch rubber and featuring an in-line fabric wallet sleeve capable of holding three cards and cash, the Q Card case is designed not only for protection, but also to provide convenience. The caseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s slim design allows for it to slide easily out of your pocket or purse, but still maintains a grip to rest comfortably in your hand. $39.99 www.cm4.com
SCHWINN MEDIAN
Great for getting around campus, the Median provides a lightweight aluminum frame that creates a responsive, agile ride. vThe sleek hybrid features a Shimano/Sram 7-speed drivetrain, providing optimal gearing for getting around cramped areas, and a Schwinn Quality saddles for a comfortable and soft ride. $200 www.schwinnbikes.com
COLOUD KNOCK HEADPHONES
A lightweight design with a sonic punch, The Knock Headphones are designed with 3D Ergonomics to provide non-stop comfort. The headphones deliver a clear and distinct sound, and feature the patent-pending Zound Lasso to prevent tangling. A microphone/remote allows you to answer and end calls, as well as play, pause, rewind and fast forward. $30.00 www.coloud.com
APOGEE MiC
Only about the size of an iPhone, MiC is a studio-quality microphone that plugs in directly to an iPad, iPhone or Mac. The MiC can record anywhere, capturing any range of sounds you can create, whether it be vocals, voice-overs, instruments or interviews. Paired with GarageBand, you can build tracks right on your device. $199 www. apogeedigital. com
APOGEE JAM
Apogee extends its sound quality to iPad, iPhone and Mac with its new JAM. Guitarists have a pocketsized plug in and play interface to record those spur of the moment ideas and even the well-thought out ones. JAM is a digital converter featuring PureDIGITAL technology. JAMâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s interface makes a direct digital connection to the 30-pin connector on iPad and iPhone, or to a Mac by USB. $99 www.apogeedigital.com
Totally useless fact: Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
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GEARING UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS
SENSU BRUSH
Delivering an authentic painting experience on your tablet or smartphone, the Sensu portable artist brush & stylus captivates touchscreens, such as the iPad, iPhone, Kindle Fire and Google Nexus S. Use the two-in-one tool with drawing and painting apps, like ArtRage, Sketchbook Pro, Paper by Studio 53 and more. The Sensu brush also teams well with Microsoft Windows 8 devices, such as Microsoft Surface and the Samsung Tablet. $39.99 www.sensubrush.com
SEIDO SURFACE
Although the thinnest case in the line, the Surface also provides high-end protective qualities. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s available for the iPhone 5 and comes in Black, Garnet Red, Royal Blue, Amethyst and Sage. It can also be fitted with a metal kickstand for multimedia viewing. $29.99, $34.95 with kickstand. www. seidioonline.com
SEIDIO CONVERT
With its two-in-one case design, the Convert starts as the Surface case, providing the user with options to add more protective layers to accommodate the tough environments they may face. It is available for the iPhone 5 in Black and Sand Gray and comes with a locking holster and screen guard. $49.95 www.seidioonline.com
SUPERTOOTH DISCO 2
SEIDiO ACTIVE
Stylishly designed, lightweight and portable, the SuperTooth Disco 2 provides ample and clear sound anywhere you want to take it. The stereo speaker streams music from any mobile device that supports Bluetooth A2DP. $99 www.supertooth.net
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Offering shock-absorbing protection with a stylish exterior, the Active is available for iPhone 5 and is great for people on the move. It comes in Black, Garnet Red, Royal Blue, Amethyst, Sage, Piano Black and Glossed White. It also can be fitted with a metal kickstand for multimedia viewing. $29.99, $34.95 with kickstand. www.seidioonline.com
Totally useless fact: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a â&#x20AC;&#x153;Friday the 13th.
FRIEND
BEST FRIEND Totally useless fact: The Siberian larch accounts for more than 20 percent of all the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s trees.
CHARTED
HOW TO ARGUE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ARE YOU RIGHT?
NO
YES
YOU LOSE!
CONVINCING-LOOKING UFO PHOTOS OVER TIME
QUITE CONVINCING
FAIRLY CONVINCING
NOT CONVINCING RELEASE OF PHOTOSHOP 1.0 1900
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1920
1940
1960
1980
2000
2020
Totally useless fact: In an average lifetime the human heart circulates 55 million gallons of blood
CHARTED
LIFE: SKILL VS. FAME SKILL SCIENTIST AUTHOR MUSICIAN ATHLETE
ACTOR MADE A SEX TAPE FAME
WHAT I WANT TO DO ALL DAY
WORK
BANG ON THE DRUM
Totally useless fact: It is illegal in the state of Kentucky to marry your wife’s grandmother.
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spotted!
Lay the Favorit e
Spot The Differences
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ebecca Hall, Bruce Willis, R Zeta Joshua Jackson, Catherine ghn Vau ce Vin Jones and
Totally useless fact: If a frogâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mouth is held open too long the frog will suffocate
Totally useless fact: Snakes canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t blink.
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1) pencil in her hand is missing, 2) His shirt is different color, 3) jacket is gone from orange chair, 4) his ring is gone, 5) chair on left is missing, 6) scribbles on pad are missing, 7) deck of cards is missing, 8) Her necklace is missing, 9) Blinds in background are gone
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
OINK OINK, BABY!
4 Levels By Jessica DiGiacinto
Of Chivalry Chivalry is not dead. It’s alive and well… or, at the very least, alive.
Since coming to college, I have encountered varying degrees of gallantry. Some are well intentioned and friendly, while some have a faded, slightly sour quality. Whatever the case may be, how do you know what level of chivalry you’re getting on a daily basis? Read and learn… LEVEL 1
On this, the brightest and friendliest level, the guy is being polite and helpful because he wants to be. Opening a door for you, standing up so you can take his seat on the bus, giving you room to pass on the sidewalk… all of these things are done with a smile and a pleasant glance. This guy’s mama taught him well. These types of gentlemen are overt con artists. Truth be told, the only reason guys are this nice is if they’re hell-bent on getting your number or hell-bent on going shopping with you and enjoying manicures.
LEVEL 2
The majority of guys hover around this level. If you both happen to reach the door at the same time, he’ll let you go through first. He’s not watching out for you on the sidewalk, but if you both happen to play the “which way am I going” game, he’ll be the first one to shift. If you’re weighed down with packages on the bus, he may or may not move for you, depending on his mood… and your hotness. 66
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Just expecting a guy to open doors and throw his coat down on mud isn’t the best way to go through life, and dudes in Level 2 agree with that, usually dispensing their chivalry only for girlfriends and wealthy female relatives still figuring out who to put in their will. Then again, catch a Level 2 on a good day, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised by their gentlemanly deeds.
LEVEL 3
These guys are chivalrous because they feel like they have to be. They’re not happy about opening doors for you, but they’ll do it anyway, provided you move your ass through (and give ‘em a lil’ shake while you’re at it). Begrudgingly standing when you walk by on the bus, sighing heavily when they move over on the stairs… these guys want you to know that being chivalrous is a total chore. A chore they expect to be compensated for in one way or another.
Much like allowances when you were a kid, Level 3s are strictly motivated by a reward system. If there’s no hope for reimbursement of some sort, you can pretty much cancel any hope of him being chivalrous. That includes taking the last parachute in an airplane crashing.
LEVEL 4
This level is strictly reserved for d-bags. They’re just as likely to elbow you in the face as they are to help carry your groceries. Their kind of chivalry is typically used on drunken girls who would have followed them home anyway.
Totally useless fact: Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.
Is Internet included in your rent? Before you sign or renew your lease, ASK if GATOR NET is included in your rent or ASK your property manager about getting GATOR NET at your complex! SM
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THAT WAS EASY…
CT’s 1 Home
Remedies Some problems around the house are easier solved than others. For everything else, CT’s got you covered with these basic and essential home remedies that will get you through any sticky situation you might find yourself knee deep in…
If you have a toothache, just smash your finger with a hammer. Pretty soon, you won’t even remember your toothache.
2
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3
Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat… use the sink instead.
8
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
7
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
6
You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
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For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5
Totally useless fact: The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
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what’s my name?
With the holidays right around the corner, budgets are even more noticeable and a mishap with your identity could really crunch your spending. We caught up with Experian’s Ken Chaplin to learn how identity theft can affect you and how to protect yourself.
Interviewed By Lauren Douglass
Protect Your
Identity Why is identity theft important for college students to know about? Becoming a victim of identity theft is when the thief uses your good name and your good standing for medical or financial purchases. They can open up credit, get loans and receive medical treatment by using your identity since their identity would not allow them to obtain those services. What makes the college student population more attractive to identity thieves is usually a student credit record is clean, meaning that there’s not any history there. It’s potentially an identity that is inactive and therefore, makes it ripe pickings for a thief.
What do you suggest is the best way to protect yourself as a student? A lot of times it is the student’s first time away from home. They should always remain vigilant and keep the door to their apartment locked if they aren’t home. There are too many opportunities for people to be going to their room and obtaining things like a wallet or a handbag from an unlocked room. The interesting fact is that identity theft occurs in a very mundane way – someone actually stealing a card, a piece of paper or another document that has someone’s personal identifiable information on it. 70
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What are some of the other ways? When the students are out and about, there’s really no need for them to have their social security card or their birth certificate with them. Those documents should be left at home at their parents’ home or wherever they are from. Things like social security cards should be memorized. How do you know if you’ve become a victim? The way to check whether you are a victim or not, is to check your credit report regularly. By checking your credit report, you can also understand how certain financial decisions will impact your future. As students go to college, they open up credit cards, many for the first time perhaps. That part of their lives is usually the time when they get into trouble with credit. Understanding the impact of their actions at a young age will be key to living a credit smart life down the road. Credit card issuers are very happy to entice students to sign up for a credit card. As part of that, if you are at a booth or a table and someone is offering you a Frisbee or a t-shirt to fill out an application on the spot, it’s okay to go ahead and get a credit card. Don’t fill out the application on the site where someone could be looking over your shoulder, seeing your personal information or handing it over
to someone you don’t really know. The recommendation there is to go online to obtain that credit card or to apply for it. Because credit is so easy, students can get a card, have a limit on that card, quickly be captured to max it out and they may or may not be able to pay off the bill. Just remembering or understanding that the consequences of those actions can remain with you for quite some time on your credit report will help you make decisions that are a little smarter when you get out of college and need to get a house or buy a car, or other sort of credit-related activity. Should students get credit cards? There are two sides to it. I’ll start on the positive side. First off, it is a really good time to start establishing credit with reputable card issuers. It’s a great time to get a relationship and credit card companies are more than happy to keep young students on board and to build an affinity for their products and services. In no way do I want to discourage that. I think it is a very good way to build a credit history that will serve them well. The downside is that if they’re not responsible with that credit and with the credit limits that were extended to them. It could be very tempting to use the card to pay off things: debts that they might have, vacations or for things that might seem frivolous when using a credit card. The student may not realize that if they default on their card and close it, that activity remains on their credit report for quite some time. That becomes part of their credit score and banks and lenders look at those scores to decide their credit worthiness – how much they would like to offer them for a loan or another sort of product. If they have a default on their report that could impact their ability to do the activities they want to do when they need to. Why is working with Experian, an online credit reporting agency, an interest of yours? Being part of Experian really interested me for a couple of reasons. First, helping people understand the impact of their financial decisions will help them live a richer, better and fulfilling life and allow them to do the things they want at a lower expense. A little part of that is also a personal goal to try to educate as many people as possible so they can live credit smart. The second part, from a marketing standpoint and as a marketer, is the amount of data that Experian has. Our company can be a very valuable tool for businesses and individuals to better communicate, understand and inform either their customers or themselves about their life, their identity and their financial status.
Totally useless fact: Camel’s milk does not curdle. (Who wants to drink it anyhow?)
Totally useless fact: Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
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Totally useless fact: At the first Thanksgiving dinner, Lobster was one of the main entrees.
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Totally useless fact: The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs.
Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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apply today
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Totally useless fact: Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years or older.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
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DECEMB
QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
Totally useless fact: Your fingernail has the same ingredients as fly poop.
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?
exchange
SUDOKU
even
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
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79
hahaha
Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle reach the top of a very steep hill.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
One day, a man went to a pet store and bought a hundredlegged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid. When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T.V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper. An hour passed and still the worm didn’t come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door.
“That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” agreed the second man.
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
“There you are,” the man said, looking at the worm. “Have you bought the newspaper?”
“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
“Sorry, sir,” answered the worm, “I haven’t finished putting on my shoes.”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
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Maurice, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.” At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!”
Totally useless fact: Shirley Temple always had 56 curls in her hair.
MADLIBS!
ridiculous
resolutions naomi piercey
Who need’s em? By Naomi Piercey
I
ries of Fall erase the horrible memo t’s almost 2013 – time to ht as well mig you a clean slate, so semester. January means popular st mo the of list a h throug take advantage! Let’s run n: ow r one to call you resolutions, so you can find
Time with Family: ily makes you THING YOU DISLIKE) fam (ADJECTIVE ABOUT SOME nding Because your “spe k thin ’t don you , ) ROOM (VERB YOU DO IN THE BATH y’re too The want to . hile rthw wo nds” is going to be (-ING VERB OF more time with family and frie ays alw and NEIGHBOR) (ADJECTIVE ABOUT YOUR rse in r mother needs to take a cou DO IN PUBLIC). Plus, you rehab for SOMETHING YOU WOULDN’T ds nee r the bro e littl r you S), and (A TRAIT YOUR MOTHER LACK n. (XBOX 360 GAME) addictio his Get in shape: like your inflated like a tire? At least you ’ve Yeah, so what if your belly has (SYNONYM FOR FAT) you ra (BODY PART)! The ext winter and the in m war you ps kee rs yea acquired through your college AL) fit(s) snugly. No (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING - PLUR makes sure all your in 2013 just isn’t pe sha in ting Get ts! (ADJECTIVE) bel need for . first ) (VERB er going to happen. You’d rath Enjoy life: ’d rather enjoy on to enjoy life more, but you Some people make a resoluti ed. What rrat ove is ess pin more. Hap (FAVORITE FOOD/DRINK) your optimism not , ) (JUNK FOOD full of makes you happy is a room . ) (PLURAL NOUN and rainbow-colored
Pay the bills: you are often (SPACE IN A HOUSE), and The bills are filling up the a is t deb of out but getting (-ING VERB) in them, be illegal just tely no fun. Paying bills should olu abs It’s on. luti reso ) CTIVE (ADJE r mom to you to turn ays alw you can (-ING VERB)! Besides, like (INSULT). too much to say beg for money. She loves you Get Organized: ed this ided they want to get organiz Many of your friends have dec (BODY PARTS)? n when you have year. Who needs organizatio (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING) n to find clea you like They might actually be able (EVENT) on time, but a to up w sho or ms roo ir the a in ring wea e gin ima ’t ldn cou (ADJECTIVE) room and your (ITEM THAT TELLS TIME).
Totally useless fact: China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.
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hot tips
College Life Tips From About.com’s Kelci Lynn Roommate Relationship Rules • Be clear about what you need from the beginning. • Address problems while they’re still small. • Respect your roommate’s stuff. • Be mindful about who you bring into the room and how often. • Always lock the door and windows. • Be friendly without expecting to be best friends. • Be open to new things and change. For more tips and details: www.collegelife.about.com/od/beforeyouarrive/qt/roommatetips.htm
How to stay safe on campus and at home Sometimes, the simplest things can be the hardest ones to remember. First and foremost, if it has (or can have) a lock, lock it up! That means your room door, even if you’re just stepping down the hall to use the bathroom; it means your car door, even if you’re just running in for coffee; it means your laptop lock, even if you’ll just be gone for a few hours. Additionally, take advantage of things you school has to offer, like campus safety escorts if you’re walking around late at night; travel in groups when you can, too. And last but not least, be smart about the choices you make. As you explore things like the party scene and relationships, using that college brain of yours can go a long way. It’s much easier to prevent problems than it is to try to fix them later.
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For more tips and further information, check out about.com Totally useless fact: If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. (Guess some of us are in sad shape!)
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HEADER AVOID THE FINANCIAL PITFALLS
Managing Your Money Interview with About.com’s Miriam Caldwell What do you think is the key mistake that students make in regards to managing their money? I think they spend too much. They don’t start out with a budget. They have the attitude that everything will work out. If they do take on a debt, they think that they will be able to pay it off easily when they get a job. They are often surprised when they do graduate and the student loans come in, just how little their income will actually cover in getting them out of their debt situation.
Sit down, write out a budget and stick to it. That’s the most important thing you can do if you want to be successful with your finances.
How do most people get into trouble financially? I think that they just don’t have a plan. Everything always comes back to the budget or your spending plan. If you don’t have one you’re going to spend money like crazy or without fight. In the back of your mind, you think that everything is going to work out. Especially with credit cards, you don’t realize that every time you use your credit card, you’re adding to your monthly payment. Your monthly payment grows and then one day you wake up and say, “Wait, I can’t do anything because all of my extra money is going to debt payments.” If you want to purchase something, what is the best way to save for it? The best way to save is to put money aside each month in a separate savings account and just not touch it. Online savings accounts that are separate from your bank offer higher interest rates. They also give you two to three day periods before they transfer the money, which is a really good thing if you’re an impulse spender since they give you that time where you can take a step back and say, “Wait, I can’t buy this right this second. I have to wait for the money to transfer to my account.” That helps you put perspective on the purchase and determine whether or not you really need it in considering your long-term goals. campus talk
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Miriam Caldwell has been the About.com guide for Money In Your Twenties since 2007. She writes information for people that are starting out on their own financially. You can see her advice at About.com.
Totally useless fact: Bubble Gum contains rubber. (Not so sure about this one!)
EASY AS PIE By Daniel Sutphin
Cooking on the Fly
with Nisa Burns’ Kitchenability 101 Excerpted from Kitchenability 101: The College Student’s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food by Nisa Burns (on sale October 2012). Find Nisa online at: www.Kitchenability.com.
Banana Cinnamon Waffles
It’s no surprise most students come to college without much experience in kitchen. Thanks to student meal plans, pizza delivery, ramen noodles and a flourishing market of restaurants, diners, bars and fast food joints to choose from, the average student is fairly safe from having to know much in the cooking department. However, as society continues to lean more and more to the healthy side of consumption, a cheaper and far-less taxing venture would be that of learning how to cook, instead of relying on the same old factory-fashioned meals. Since freshman year doesn’t come with an intro to culinary arts, students can turn to outside sources. That’s where Nisa Burns, a spunky young chef and Internet sensation, comes into play. A culinary graduate of the Art Institute of Virginia Beach, Burns’ straightforward, healthy recipes have gained fans on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube nationwide. With a mission to show college students how to become best friends with their kitchens in order to feed themselves for life, Burns has released a new book detailing a process she calls becoming “Kitchen-able.” In the book, Kitchenability 101: The College Student¹s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food, she shows students healthy, accessible alternatives to the cafeteria or drive-thru lane. Not only does Kitchenability 101 teach readers that it is just as simple to make an Avocado Lettuce Wrap as it is to heat up a processed TV dinner, but it also provides shopping plans, supply lists, budgeting tips, skills and recipes for cooking in college spaces including dorm rooms, apartments and houses.
• Makes one serving • Dorm & apartment friendly
Avocado Lettuce Wraps • Makes five servings • Dorm & apartment friendly
This is one of my favorite recipes to make for myself when I need something that’s easy but light and healthy as well. What You Need • 2 ripe avocados • 2 tomatoes • 3 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro • 3 tsp lime juice • ½ tsp salt • ½ tsp pepper • 5 large leaves iceberg lettuce What You Do •P eel and core the avocados, then cut into one-inch wedges. •D ice the tomatoes. •M ix everything except the lettuce in a bowl. •C over with plastic wrap and let marinate at room temperature for 15 minutes. •P lace two to three tablespoons of the mixture in the center of each lettuce leaf. •R oll up each lettuce leaf like a taco.
Totally useless fact: 33 million Hershey Kisses are made each day.
When I was a child and running late for school, my mom often handed me this waffle breakfast sandwich wrapped in a paper towel and gave a simple order: “Go.” Even when I was rushed, my mom instilled in me the importance of eating breakfast every day. A great thing about this recipe is that it is easy, well-balanced, and versatile. You can make the recipe using frozen waffles in whatever variety you like, such as whole wheat, cinnamon, or buttermilk, and whatever fruit you prefer. Try it with peanut butter, or substitute cream cheese or Nutella. This version includes protein from the peanut butter, potassium and other nutrients from the banana, and whole grains from the waffles. It will satisfy your hunger and keep you energized throughout the morning. What You Need • 2 whole-grain toaster waffles • 2 tbsp peanut butter • ½ banana • 1 tsp honey • ¼ tsp cinnamon What You Do • Toast the waffles to desired crispness. • Spread the peanut butter on one ide of each waffle. • Slice the banana into ¼ inch rounds. • Place the banana and honey on one side of the waffle, and sprinkle with the cinnamon. • Close like a sandwich and enjoy. campus talk
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY
flicks By daniel sutphin
Django Unchained WHAT: Drama Western WHO: Jamie Foxx, Christoph
Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kerry Washington WHEN: December 25 Director Quentin Tarantino tells the story of a former dentistturned-bounty-hunter, Dr. King Schultz (Waltz). After buying the freedom of a slave, Django (Foxx), Schultz takes Django under his wing in order to make him his deputy. While doing so, Schultz learns of the location of Django’s wife (Washington), who is under the control of Calvin Candie (DiCaprio), a violent plantation owner. Django and Schultz launch a plan to manipulate their way onto the plantation and rescue Django’s wife.
e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
The Hobbit
Les Misérables
WHAT: Adventure Fantasy WHO: Martin Freeman, Ian
WHAT: Drama Musical Romance WHO: Hugh Jackman, Russell
McKellen and Richard Armitage WHEN: December 14 In the much-anticipated prequel, Wizard Gandalf the Grey chooses hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, to join him in a quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor from the dragon Smaug. Bilbo soon finds himself surrounded by dwarves who are led by the warrior Thorin Oakenshield. On their journey, Bilbo meets the creature that will change his life, in Gollum. Here, Bilbo not only finds the courage to push forward with the journey but he also discovers the unassuming ring that Gollum holds so “precious.” campus talk
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On the Road WHAT: Adventure Drama WHO: Garrett Hedlund, Sam Riley
and Kristen Stewart WHEN: December 21 A cinematic depiction of Jack Kerouac’s classic novel of the same name, young writer Sal Paradise embarks on a crosscountry trip with the free-spirited Dean Moriarty and his girl, Marylou. Along the way, they meet a variety of individuals, all of which leaving a mark on the trio’s adventure.
Crowe and Anne Hathaway WHEN: December 25 A new adaptation on the long-running musical based on Victor Hugo’s classic novel set in 19th-century France, “King’s Speech” director, Tom Hooper brings together an all-star cast to in this gritty depiction. Prisoner 24601, known as Jean Valjean (Jackman), is releasead from prison and breaks parole to start a new life. He must evade the grip of Inspector Javert (Crowe) amid the tribulations of an early revolutionary France, culminating with his involvement in the June Rebellion.
The Guilt Trip WHAT: Comedy WHO: Seth Rogen, Barbra
Streisand and Adam Scott WHEN: December 19 Concerned for his mother’s lack of dating, years since his father’s death, inventor Andy Brewster (Rogen), asks his mother Jessica (Streisand) to join him on an eight-day road trip to sell his latest invention.
Totally useless fact: An office chair with wheels travels 8 miles a year
rent me! The Dark Knight Rises WHAT: Action Crime Drama WHO: Christian Bale, Joseph
Gordon-Levitt, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine WHEN: December 4 In the conclusion of Christopher Nolanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Batman series, Batman (Bale) has been on hiatus since taking the rap for Harvey Dentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s crimes eight years ago. When Gotham faces the new threat of terrorist leader, Bane, the Dark Knight resurfaces to help the overwhelmed police force and save the very city that marked him the enemy.
Small
Screen Sleepwalk With Me WHAT: Drama WHO: Mike Birbiglia, Lauren
Killer Joe WHAT: Dark Comedy WHO: Matthew McConaughey,
Ted WHAT: Comedy Fantasy WHO: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis
and Seth MacFarlane WHEN: December 11 As a child, friendless John Bennett (Wahlberg) makes a wish that his teddy bear could come to life. The wish comes true and they remained friends for years to come. The only problem is that, as an adult, his girlfriend of four years, Lori (Kunis), wants more from their relationship and feels that Ted is in the way.
Emile Hirsch, Juno Temple, Thomas Haden Church, Gina Gershon, Marc Macaulay WHEN: December 21 After incurring a massive debt, a Texas drug dealer (Hirsch) hires a crazy police detective/ killer-for-hire to take out his mother so he can collect on the insurance money. When everything seems to be going to plan, an unexpected dilemma occurs, sending the whole thing into chaos and Killer Joe after the dealer. The biggest problem, Killer Joe (McConaughey) is way more dangerous than any debt-collector.
Totally useless fact: Howdy Doody has exactly 48 freckles on his face.
Total Recall WHAT: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale WHEN: December 18 Frustrated and in a rut, factory worker, Douglas Quaid turns to the underground trend of Recall. The mind-altering trip gives Quaid the memories of a life as a super-spy in what was supposed to be a temporary vacation. The procedure goes wrong and Quaid becomes a hunted man on the run from the police.
Ambrose, James Rebhorn, Carol Kane, Cristin Milioti WHEN: December 18 Comedian-turned-filmmaker, Mike Birbiglia, directs and stars in this autobiographically-inspired drama. Depicting Birbiglia in the stressful, and often disappointing, world of an up-and-coming comedian, Sleepwalk With Me follows Birbiglia as he tries to cope with a seemingly failing career, the judgment of an overbearing family and a tired relationship being thrust into the looming threat of babies; not to mention the random, insane spurts of almost violent sleepwalking that he continues to ignore. campus talk
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When Life gives you Lemons
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that the bouncer was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1,000 bet that no one could beat him. The challenge was that the bouncer would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass and then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this – truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters – and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fellow with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided, the bouncer said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar! Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked, “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?” “No” the man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
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Totally useless fact: The average person’s left hand does 56 percent of the typing.
Totally useless fact: Corduroy comes from the French, meaning â&#x20AC;&#x153;cloth of the kingâ&#x20AC;?.
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online cheating
A New Way to Cheat? When we saw Neal Desai pitch his new cell phone app, CATE, to investors on ABC’s Shark Tank, we couldn’t believe it. So we caught up with him and his business partner, Jay Leopardi, for a little explaining.
“Do you know how many divorces are caused because of Facebook? More than there would ever be with Cate.” Jay Leopardi Neal, can you explain what CATE does? It’s an acronym for Call or Text Eraser, and essentially what you do with it is you select a “blacklist” of contacts. When they call or text you, CATE will intercept the messages and store them in its interface. When you find it safe, you can go back and check what CATE has intercepted – what people have sent you. Can you see the app on your phone? No, it’s completely hidden. The only way you can open it is through a secret number that you’ve set up. For your pitch on the show, were you given any coaching before you presented? Yeah, they give you two producers who help you with your script – everything, up until the minute you’ve taped. Right before I taped, those two producers were the last people I saw. Did you get to meet the sharks prior to filming? No. You get to see the room the day beforehand so you get a feel for it and so they can tell you where to stand, but you don’t get to meet them. The second you walk in, is the first time you get to see them. Who was different than what you expected? I was surprised how friendly Mark Cuban was to me. The entire time me and him were just chit-chatting while the other sharks fought and debated. He was completely on my side the entire time and was trying to tell me to cut the deal with Daymond [John] and Kevin [O’leary]. I just trusted his judgment on top of that being what I wanted. 90
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How has business changed since being on the show? Since I made the deal with the Sharks, they’ve helped a lot. Daymond introduced me to Jay Leopardi and together we rebuilt the product, so it’s a lot cleaner. Their connections are everything, and that’s what’s been worth more than the money that they give. There’s been a lot of controversy with this application. For those people who say what you’re doing is wrong, what do you say to them? I have an answer for this always: If I had told the people at Shark Tank I had an idea for a privacy app, I don’t think they would’ve contacted me back. But I did tell them that I’ve got a cheating app, and they contacted me back. 30 percent of people on online dating sites are people who are cheating on somebody, according to statistics. They’re not built for that, but there’s always a route when it comes to cheating. Cheaters will find a way regardless; they’ll buy another cell phone or whatever they have to. This is just one avenue for that. They will find a way. Using it for cheating is only one small aspect of what this app does. It is a privacy app and everyone needs it.
for a law firm’s confidentiality. Really, any business that has a confidentiality agreement or corporate employees who have possession of intellectual property, needs this. If you need to keep information under lock and key, CATE gives you that level of privacy. Its best use, which we’re heavily concentrating on, is for women that are abused. The CATE app is a measure of protection. When contacting the police or other social services to free yourself from an abusive spouse, you can hide those correspondences. With a shake of the hand, you can remove any texts or calls to the police. That could come in very handy when you aren’t able to escape to make a call. Kids may not tell everything to their parents, especially with all kinds of cyber bullying nowdays. So if the parent’s suspect something, they can get this app on their child’s phone and see everything they are doing. From a cheating standpoint – a cheater could use it and not get caught but… you can also catch a cheater by downloading it onto their phone before they do. It’s a very unique technology.
Jay, what are the other uses for this as a privacy app? Yes, if your phone gets stolen and you didn’t have a lock on it, all of your contacts, emails and personal information is exposed. When you take out the cheaters aspect, you can say that you have CATE, a privacy application. It’s like having a safe on your phone. You literally have a pin that no one else knows, and you can sync everything into CATE. CATE is your backup plan and no one can see anything if your phone is lost. They wouldn’t ever be able to crack into that system. Worst case scenario is that you buy another phone and sync your contacts again. Another aspect is for its use is for a government agency that needs privacy or Totally useless fact: A cat has 4 rows of whiskers.
hahaha
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsies are giving me heartburn.” Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.”
An man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”
A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the barman, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?” “Well,” said the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”
Totally useless fact: In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer name is Yensid which is Disney backwards.
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SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT… By Ami Gavarian
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Get Over
Your Long-time
Lover For Girls Women traditionally take heartbreak For Guys Rebounding from a recent breakup is like going green: reduce, reuse, recycle.
Reduce: Some fellas opt to go into seclusion, barracking themselves in the friendly confines of their dorm room or apartment. As such, they cut off all access to trim in an attempt to “gain perspective” or some sappy crap like that. If that’s how you choose to deal with heartbreak, go for it. Just know that you’re delving further and further into womanhood with each passing day, you sorry sack of estrogen.
You’ve been with your significant other for years, sharing countless moments that are engrained in your heart and memory for all eternity. Well, as Frank Zappa once said, “Broken hearts are for assh***s.” With that in mind, here are some can’t-fail heartbreak remedies to help move you along to the next piece of ass on your sexual resume. 92
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Reuse: Nothing mends a wounded heart like an easy lay! As all your uber-macho male buddies will surely tell you over and over again, cheap, meaningless sex is the sure-fire remedy to any breakup. The solution? Every college has its well-known skanks. Pick from the litter and the rest is up to your discretion. Just make sure you wrap it up or else your heart won’t be the only thing aching! Recycle: Heartbreak often drains a man of his motivation and effort. Well, what’s easier to obtain than that which you’ve already had?! Open your little black book (and by “little black book” I mean “your cell phone”… unless you’re a girly-man who also keeps a daily diary) and dial up an ex-fling for a wild romp that will have you forgetting what’s-her-name in no time. By the way… what is her name?
to, um, heart. So, it should come as no surprise that they take more drastic measures to get over an ex-flame. Lez Fest: Not so fast, guys. This isn’t what you’re thinking. Notorious girl gatherings have been organized for a bevy of reasons, most infamously for helping one of their fallen females get back on her feet. While you may be picturing chicks in skimpy lingerie practicing making out, they’re really pasting cucumber spread all over their face and stuffing themselves with chocolate. Nothing spells rebound like girls’ night in. Or chocolate. Abstinonsense: For some strange reason, large constituencies of girls associate sex with all guys as sex with that guy. It’s as if finding a new lay immediately after a rough break up is equivalent to shamelessly going back to the guy who just dumped you. Inasmuch, girls use abstinence as a method to purge all recollections of the offending ex from their memory. Either that, or they just really haven’t had good sex in a long time. Ho-down: Remember those college skanks I mentioned earlier? Well, they’ve gotta come from somewhere. While a good percentage of chicks staunchly oppose this method, a select few are open to the idea of shagging away their pain. The problem, however, is when two on-the-rebound singles shack up under these circumstances and start a flawed and dangerous “rebound relationship.” But that’s another article altogether…
Totally useless fact: A group of whales is called a pod.
RIGINALIT O Y The art of concealing your sources.
one liners!
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ok You lo o Want t a me as t? e k n a l b 94
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Totally useless fact: The dial tone of a normal phone is in the key of F.
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