www.mycampus talk .com OCTOBER 2012
CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND
Seeing Through Your
Superstitions
How to Trick the Trick-or-Treaters
Reasons to Date an Older Man
Breaking Down the Halloween Hookup
Honing in on Your
Kissing
Style
Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff 1 Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD READING
09 5 Tricks to Play on
Trick-Or-Treaters 10 Ways to Save at Starbucks 12 Your Guide to Kissing Styles 14 The ABCs of Halloween Hookups 16 Not to be Crass or Judgmental but… 18 Frank the Cab Driver 22 The Toilet Whisperer 24 Little Known Facts About American Presidents 32 When to Lose Your Virginity
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P12 P12
P84 P92
33 13 Stupid Superstitions 34 Going Green
P42
42 Ex Revenge 56 The Beautiful Taylor Bright 58 Getting Back in the Game 68 College Football Traditions 81 Howl O’ Scream:
P09
The Dark Side off the Gardens at Busch Gardens 82 Perks of Dating an Older Man 84 On the Go with Tyler James Williams 85 10 Grossest Candies 92 Top 10 Pimpest Halloween Hustlers of All Time 94 Frank vs. Frankenstein
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR
P68
ENTERTAINMENT 17 That Book about Harvard
48 Humorscopes
23 Zombie Crossing
52 Music Reviews
30 How to Survive 101 of Life’s
54 Sore Thumbs: Video
Worst F***!-ing Situations 35 Absence Notes Gone Wrong 38 Autocorrect Fails 41 Scheckism 44 Congratulations! Clinger Award 46 Fashion Products
P30
Game Reviews 59 Dumb Florida Laws 60 Gadgets P82 64 Spot the Difference 66 Hurricane Evacuation Plan 86 Flicks P52
P14
P24
P34
P54
Totally useless fact: Tom Sawyer was the first novel ever written on a typewriter..
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7
WHAT’S on!
SEPT 21. OCT 5. OCT 19 Bo Diddley Plaza, SE 1st St. 6-10 pm
Editors ‘
LETTER Fall is in the air
Join Albert and Alberta for a pep rally street party to kick off the football weekend. Enjoy a FREE, familyfriendly event along with the first annual Florida Track Club Sunset 5K race. All in one place – Downtown Gainesville.
With midterms rearing their ugly heads, it’s important to focus on the positives of October: football hits full swing, a hint of fall fills the air, and, of course, there is that little, slight of a holiday that even as adults we so eagerly cling to. I’m talking about Halloween – a time of year when every deserted retail shop in town somehow becomes a costume store overnight and, as a result, homeless people get temp jobs wearing costumes and spinning signs on street corners. To celebrate this sugar-stained merriment, CT packs the tricks, as well as some treats, for your reading delight. We’re breaking down those often-regrettable Halloween hookups, giving some lessons in pumpkin carving, providing pranks to pull on deserving trick-ortreaters and even bringing back some old favorites with our video game and music review sections. So breakout your “hip” Twilight costumes and your copy of The Nightmare Before Christmas, because it’s Halloween, and what better way to get through midterms than an endless, twitchy sugar high!
Daniel Sutphin
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This magazine is rated EFH for Extremely Freakin’ Hilarious. EFH [WHP - A diversified marketing & publishing organization] Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: A group of larks is called an exaltation.
5 By James Davis
Turnin’ Tricks
Tricks
To Play On Trick-Or-Treaters
I have nothing but utter contempt for these little narcissistic clowns who have no respect for tradition. Why can’t they just go bag snatching like we did when we were 13 instead of trudging up to my front door with the plastic bag their parent’s LoMein came in and demanding candy? No More! This year, I’ve decided to have some fun at the expense of these little cretins by reviving the art of tricking the trick-or-treaters. Here are five things I’m contemplating doing. Let me know if I go too far.
: Warning nly, O es Purpos
For Humor Do Not Attempt
Fire!
If you’ve ever been to a strip club or heard a rap song, then you obviously know what “making it rain” means. Well, have you ever heard of making it “snow”? I’ve got a few surplus fire extinguishers I’ve been saving for the next house I set on fire, but I figure when the little creeps ring my doorbell I can fling the door open and scream “FIRE!” and make it “snow” all over them and their Abercrombie sweaters.
The Ugly Truth
Chances are most of these pre-teens who are running the streets unabated have parents who could care less what their children are doing or where they’re at. Let’s give those parents something to do, or undo rather, for a few weeks. I’m going to discretely slip anonymous letters into the hellions’ bags explaining to them their parents bought them from a drifter who came through town when they were only a few months old.
I love Halloween. However, in the past few years, I’ve noticed a deluge of older kids who are not only too old to trick-ortreat but are too lazy to even don a proper costume. That’s like wearing a plain wife-beater to a football game or showing up to your own birthday party just to pick up your presents.
Bum Rush
About a week before Halloween, I’m going downtown to catch a bunch of bums and lock them in my basement with no food. Each time a kid fitting the criteria comes up to the house on Halloween night, I’m going to release a bum and scream “THERE’S CANDY IN THAT KID’S BAG!” The bum then will chase him down and summarily beat the kid’s ass and run off with his bag of candy. (Note: Do NOT use crack heads for this. They are too fast and the kid won’t be able to give a good chase, thus limiting the entertainment value.)
Totally useless fact: The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
Rattlesnake Eggs
You’ve all seen the gag with the paper clip and rubber band in the envelope marked “Rattlesnake Eggs.” Those are good for making your grandma jump around and scream a little. For these kids I happen to have a bunch of real baby Rattlesnakes I’m going to put in orange and black plastic Easter eggs. Now THOSE are Rattlesnake eggs. Let Grandma open one of those and she won’t be able to jump around for long.
An Ounce Of Prevention
Honestly, I’m a very lazy person and although all these ideas seem like a lot of fun, I just don’t want to deal with these little dirt bags at all. However, I know from experience, parking your car on a different street and sitting in the dark in your living room while drinking whiskey still doesn’t get the message across. They will still knock on your door. I think I’ll just go register as a sex offender and get one of those signs to put in my yard. That should do the trick. campus talk
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It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion
Ways to Save at Starbucks
by Daniel Sutphin
Between tuition, rent, books and food, it’s no surprise that you might have to cut back on some of your daily expenses. The little things, such as eating at home or bringing a lunch, as opposed to eating out, are easy, but it’s difficult to give up the more vital expenses, and by vital I mean CAFFEINE!!! With Starbucks placed so conveniently around campus, and with the return of the beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte, temptation seems to be around every corner. So to support such a necessary addiction, here are some ways to cut back the hourly Starbucks expenses. Free Refills: Register any Starbucks Card, earn five Stars and enjoy free refills of brewed coffee or tea – hot or iced – while you’re in the store. The benefit applies to the same store visit, which will come in hand around exam time. Save 10 Cents When You Bring Your Own Cup: Receive 10 cents off your beverage when you bring in your own reusable cup, mug or travel tumbler. Stock Up on Whole Bean Coffee: Three of Starbucks popular whole bean coffees – Veranda Blend, House Blend and Fair Trade Certified Italian Roast – are only $11.95, which is nothing compared to an in-store study session. Brew Your Coffee At Home: One pound of coffee yields more than 45 cups of your favorite blend? That’s about 30 cents a cup. 10
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Buy Two Petites, Save 50 Cents: Grab a classmate and enjoy a sweet snack to spark your studies with Starbucks Petites – all under 200 calories – and with such a low price you should probably have two. $1.50 for one, $2.50 for two. Make Great Coffee OnThe-Go: Whether you enjoy it hot or iced, as a pre-class ritual or during those long breaks between classes, Starbucks VIA Ready Brew is an instant, tasty option for about $1 per cup.
If coffee, or a double shot, iced latte with soy milk, caramel and whip cream, isn’t really your interest but caffeine is still required, Starbucks does offer a number of other popular drinks, as well as products you can stock at home.
Enjoy Free Entertainment: Download free apps, digital books, TV shows, movies, music and much more with Starbuck’s Pick of the Week Program. Each Tuesday, Starbucks releases new entertainment to upgrade your downtime or make those walks to class more interesting.
Starbucks VIA Refreshers Cool Lime mixes kaffir lime with mint, cucumber and apple, and combines that with the natural energy of green, unroasted coffee beans. The light, and juicy beverage boasts a natural boost of caffeine and tastes nothing like coffee. $5.95
Get Connected with Free Wi-Fi and Starbucks Digital Network: Bring your laptop and catch-up on your homework while surfing free Wi-Fi.
Starbucks VIA Refreshers Very Berry Hibiscus gathers blackberry with hibiscus, sweet ginger and lemongrass, and blends that with the natural energy from green, unroasted coffee beans. Without any coffee flavor, this refreshing beverage also packs an all natural caffeine pop to get you through the day. $5.95
Monitor Your Coffee Beans: Download the Starbucks app on your mobile device and have your Starbucks Card balance right available to keep track of your coffee expenses. Available at Starbucksstore.com or at participating Starbucks stores in the U.S.
Totally useless fact: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Can you survive a nightmarish horde of walkers from AMC’s The Walking Dead ? How about the demented mind of Alice Cooper, a magic trick by Penn & Teller gone horrifically wrong, or the next dimension of terror in Silent Hill? There’s only one way to find out! The Nation’s Premier Halloween Event features: s .EW (AUNTED (OUSES s .EW 3PINE #HILLING 3TREET %XPERIENCES s "LOODCURDLING ,IVE 3HOWS
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*Tickets are $88.99 plus tax per person on day of event. To receive full discount, tickets must be purchased at least 24 hours in advance with presentation of valid Florida photo ID and promo code. Not valid with any other specials, promotions or discounts. Limit 4 tickets per purchase. Sales tax, convenience charge and parking fee not included. General Single-Day admission tickets, Multi-Day tickets, Annual Passes, Orlando FlexTickets, and Complimentary Passes are not valid for Halloween Horror Nights admission. Offer subject to change without notice. Event occurs rain or shine. No rain checks, returns or refunds. Prices, dates, times, attractions and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. Other restrictions may apply. © 2012 The Coca-Cola Company. All rights reserved. TM & © 2012 Burger King Corporation. All rights reserved. The Walking Dead © 2012 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All rights reserved. © 2012 Konami Digital Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. © 2012 Nightmare, Inc. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2012 Universal Studios. © 2012 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 253286/2012/TP
YOUR KISS IS ON MY LIST
Your Guide by Brian Hodges
to Kissing Styles When you consider just how small an area the human mouth is, it’s remarkable how many different ways people have found to kiss. I’m not saying one style is any better than the other – though TONGUE KISSERS some, let’s all agree, are far far Done well, this can be a freakin’ awesome way to make worse. Whatever style you out. The trick is finding that mutual level of acceptable prefer, these are the various tongue in a partner. Because few things are as awkward as kissers you’re bound to that moment somebody wasn’t expecting you to go encounter over the straight for their tonsils. course of your day.
Slobbery Kisser It’s not so much the amount of tongue they’re using as it is their much more liberal interpretation of where on your face it’s okay to put it.
(not to be confused with)…
Widemouth Kisser Again, it’s not their tongue so much as the fact that they are swallowing your face!
The Puckerer These ones may use tongue, but they press it through lips that are scrunched up like they’re kissing Great Aunt Kathy. Seriously, try it. That’s weird right? (not to be confused with)…
PHANTOM TONGUE KISSERS Some people are frankly just this side of freaked out over having their own tongue inside someone else’s mouth. And hey, whatever. It doesn’t necessarily stop them from getting into some fun intense makeout sessions, though a seasoned tongue kisser may feel like something’s missing.
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Lizard Kisser It’s not that they’re not using tongue, it’s just… it like… darts. In and out, left and right. A great technique for certain other activities, but not kissing.
PASSIONATE KISSERS With the way they breathe and touch and linger and press against you, it feels like they’re kissing with their entire body… which isn’t nearly as gross as it sounds. Okay, it’s sometimes as gross as it sounds. Like when one of you is way more into it than the other. (see Cue-less Kisser)
Overdramatic Kisser They’re wincing and panting and breathing your name during the goodnight kiss of what was, quite frankly, a rather awkward first date to begin with.
Totally useless fact: Twelve or more cows are known as a “flink.”
YOUR KISS IS ON MY LIST (not to be confused with)…
VANILLA KISSERS Vanilla really does get a bad rap. There’s actually some amazingly delicious vanilla ice cream to be had out there. And even if you stick to the basics, vanilla kissing done well can steam up a windshield just as fast as any dom/sub exchange.
Kinky Kissmate You made out in the back seat of a car? Depending on how vanilla scented your partner is, that kiss may have just made you the kinky one.
READER-RESPONDERS If you’ve kissed more than one person in your life, you’ve realized that most people never do it exactly the way you want exactly when you want. Especially at first. But a Reader pays attention to your cues and recognizes when you like something and when you don’t. And then they respond. They adapt to you. If they’re lucky, you also read their cues and respond to them. Feeding off that reciprocal communication, the two of you hopefully manage to find those perfect points on the spectrums of tongue, passion and kink until there are no more mechanics involved and you both just GO WITH IT!
The Show Off Lord knows what they’re doing in there with that acrobatic series of bites, licks, flicks and swirls. But unless you have really good chemistry it’s honestly more distracting than anything.
DISEMBODIED KISSERS Their lips are moving, but it’s like there’s nothing going on behind them. To the point where you seriously wonder if they’re even into it. Especially after the third or fourth time they keep coming around.
(not to be confused with)…
The Teaser These ones aren’t holding back. They’re making you wait. They’re working up to something. Give ’em a minute, you’ll see.
The One-Trick Pony The categories on this list aren’t absolutes. Nobody is only one type of kisser. Except the ones who are. Who always. Do. The. Same. Thing. Which can be totally passionate once you meet that soul mate who also likes. That. One. Thing.
Totally useless fact: A group of frogs is called an army.
CUE-LESS KISSERS I mean… it’s like…how did they… who told them…how can anybody be that BAD at this??? Thing is, they’re probably not bad kissers per se… okay some of them are pretty horrifyingly bad. But their even bigger kissing sin is that they didn’t sense just how not into whatever they were doing you were. People who don’t pay attention are at far greater risk of alienating the person they’re so desperately trying to make out with. It really doesn’t matter what you’re into or what they’re not. When one or both of you aren’t reading each other’s cues and meeting in some kind of agreeable lip space, that make out session is going to get real old, real fast.
KINKY KISSMATES Like anything else on this list it’s not an either/or thing. There’s a spectrum and a series of Venn diagrams. Some people consider a little biting to be kind of naughty. Those with a few more tattoos might consider that just basic First Base etiquette. Neither way is better or worse. Until that moment you find yourself making out with someone on the other side of the spectrum who can’t or won’t adapt (see Cue-less Kisser) until suddenly you’re the Disembodied One.
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TRICK OR TRYST!
The ABC’s of
Halloween
Hook-Ups
By Ami Gavarian
Remember when your grumpy uncle would nag you to death, saying things like “There’s no such thing as a free lunch in life” or “If it’s too good to be true, it’s probably not?” He was right… to an extent. Some things in life are just too good to be true. But then there’s Halloween – a hedonistic holiday centered around dressing up in whatever costume floats your boat, hoarding as much candy as possible, partying like you’re at a Greek orgy and, of course, tapping some costumed ass without ever knowing the other person’s name. You’re thinking to yourself, “Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for.” Well, like the true pimp bishops that we are, we’re here to school you on the ABC’s of Halloween hook-ups! 14
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A is for “Alcohol” Halloween is like a masked swinger’s party where even the most hideous, repulsive guy can land a dime piece after so many rounds of candy corn-sweetened martinis.
D is for “Dominatrix” Any chick dressed in skin-tight leather is practically begging to take you home and give you a good whippin’. Let her act out her repressed feminist feelings all… night… long.
B is for “Badass” Since you can hide behind a mask the fact that you look about as scary as a poodle, it becomes increasingly easier to dupe girls into thinking you’re a tough roughneck rather than the president of the math club.
E is for “Everyman” The greatest thing about Halloween (besides the slutty costumes) is the ability to be someone other than your lame self for a night. Use that to your advantage in your pursuit.
c is for “Costume” …as in “the sluttier her costume is, the more likely she is to sleep with you.” Unfortunately, fellas, that train of thought doesn’t work for you, so leave the assless chaps at home.
F is for “Face” …as in “hide yours by any means necessary.” Seriously, if you want to get laid tonight, don’t let the girl dressed like Wonder Woman see your unibrow and massive acne. Lock it up!
Totally useless fact: If done perfectly, a rubix cube combination can be solved in 17 turns.
TRICK OR TRYST!
R is for “Refill” There’s nothing wrong with a little liquid courage to help you talk to and take home the girl of your fancy. S is for “Skimpy” …as in every girl at the party will assuredly be wearing her skimpiest outfit of the year. Be careful not to ogle too long or she might mistake your innocent interest for serious stalkerdom. T is for “Trick” …as in don’t be tricked by the transvestite dressed in the slutty costume. If you go home with him/her, you’ll be in for an entirely different treat… U is for “Ugly” …as in even ugly dudes can get laid on Halloween. Seriously, we can’t stress this enough. Pick your costume wisely and mask the hell out of your physical deficiencies!
M is for “Manage-a-trois” Really, Halloween is your only chance at ever pulling this off, so hop off that bicycle and attempt to turn the ride into a tricycle. G is for “Girly” …as in “girly drinks.” She likes ‘em and you’re not getting any without them, so hone your appletini skills and get to mixing!
J is for “Jell-o Shots” They’re fun, they’re tasty and they go straight to a girl’s hand. Another round, pronto!
H is for “Hospitality” Nothing screams “do me” more than hosting your own Halloween party. Besides, you’ve already toppled the hard part of getting the girl to come to your place!
K is for “Kiss” Subtlety is king, and a sweet, passionate kiss is always the preface to much naughtier things later on that evening. K is also for “keep your tongue to yourself,” depending on how she reacts to your advances.
I is for “Inhibitions” There’s a reason girls dress so slutty on Halloween… it’s the one day they can loosen up and get their freak on without consequence. It’s your duty as a man to help them achieve this goal.
L is for “Liquor” …which we all know by now is quicker than beer. Stick to the hunch punch rather than the skunky keg beer left over from that party you went to three weeks ago at the same house.
Totally useless fact: It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.
N is for “No” …as in the response you’ll most likely get after requesting a threesome. O is for “Orgasm” Don’t worry… you won’t give her one, no matter how hard you try. But good luck anyway. P is for “Porno” …as in “why don’t we make things interesting tonight, babe? Don’t worry, I won’t show anyone.” Q is for “Quit While You’re Ahead” It’s one thing to be the life of the party and attract attention to yourself. It’s another thing entirely to be the over-aggressive, loud, obnoxious douche at the party. Play it cool or else you’ll be playing pocket pool by yourself later on.
V is for “VD” Chances are, if the really hot chick is willing to go nail you tonight, she’s been just as willing in the past with other dudes. Bag it before you tag it, buddy! W is for “Wasted” Remember, if she’s too drunk, she’ll pass out before the pants party begins. Always drink responsibly… a sloppy drunk is never sexy. X is for “XXX” …as in the rating of the porno you made. We look forward to watching it online later this week. Y is for “Yes” Whatever she says, your answer is “yes.” She wants to watch P.S. I Love You when you get back to her place? Yes, ma’am. She wants to cuddle before hooking up? Absolutely. She wants to use a strap-on. Ye… wait a second… Z is for “Zzzzz” A night of partying hard and raunchy sex requires a recharging of the batteries. How else will you have the energy for a repeat performance the next morning before you kick her to the curb? campus talk
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ENOUGH ALREADY!
Not to be Crass or l a t n e m g d u J but… By Daniel Sutphin
Well…yes, actually with a great deal of judgment…
Just because an article of clothing claims to be your size, doesn’t necessarily mean that it fits you. If your flab is rolling out around it, it’s going to take a great deal more than the material stretching for it to classify as actually “fitting.” Just because you manage to pop a baby out once a year, doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone on Facebook wants to see its drooling, alien face all over his or her News Feed. It’s not like you cured cancer. You simply performed a natural act befitting that of an animal, just like millions of other people drunkenly, and often mistakenly, do all over the world, everyday of the week. Hooray overpopulation! Just because the buffet says “All You Can Eat,” doesn’t necessarily mean you should consume all you physically can. Four plates of fried chicken? Really? No wonder you eat at these buffets, you have to spend all of your money on insulin. I see a cycle developing! Just because you’re in college, doesn’t mean you know everything. For example, mostly every time you say literally, you actually mean figuratively. Like, you literally didn’t “almost die” because your significant other didn’t respond to your millionth text. Just like there’s literally NO WAY that all the bullsh*t stories you tell actually occurred in such the extravagant manner that your misuse of the word “literally” is conveying. Just because you are/were in a sorority/ fraternity, doesn’t mean you have to make of point of telling everyone in every conversation. Trust me, we can tell “Brah.” Just because a driver would be arrested should he or she hit you when you are jaywalking, doesn’t make it okay to randomly walk across the road wherever 16
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you please. There are crosswalks for a reason! Plus, you never know who is behind the wheel; a justifiable vehicular assault and a life in jail may just be an upgrade for some! Just because the Internet provides an open forum in which you may write a blog, doesn’t necessarily mean you should. If I wanted to be subjected to some uneducated douche’s haphazard rant about how the world is unfair, I’ll just watch Dr. Phil, Judge Judy or some other crap, daytime talk show. Just because you may not be in a hurry, doesn’t mean that others, such as those stuck behind you as you dauntingly waddle down the aisle, are not. Some of us have better things to do than to be stuck behind you staring at the back of your bulbous head. Just because someone is sitting next to you at the bar, doesn’t immediately warrant him or her to be the recipient of your drunken discourse. Sometimes people drink alone because they want to be just that: alone! Learn to read body language! Just because you are entitled to free speech, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to say every little piece of information that pops into your candy-colored brain. Some things are better left unsaid! And no, that does not apply to this article. It’s time these subjects were brought out into the open!
Totally useless fact: A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
FACEBOOK STALKING...UH...I MEAN...EXPLORING! In his new book, That Book About Harvard, Kester proves that no matter where you are attending school, the pressures and challenges of college are universal. Check out this little sampling from his college life... I wasn’t really into the whole “entrepreneurship” craze at Harvard, but I didn’t let it bother me. Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard and made Facebook, while I went to Harvard and made Ramen Noodles. Both are special in their own way. Anyway, I filled my nights of insomnia with hours of surfing the Internet, and by “surfing the Internet” I mean “exploring Jen’s Facebook profile,” and by “exploring” I mean “stalking.”
Getting into Harvard is a huge feat for any high school student. Yet, what a lot of people don’t realize is that getting into Harvard may be the easy part. It’s what comes after that really tests you. Since Eric Kester never expected to get in, it really was only natural that his freshman year was a mess – right from the first test.
Jennifer Wesker. I liked that name. It was pretty. Admittedly her beauty caused me to be a little biased; I probably would’ve thought Doris Dingleberry was a cute name for her as well. Her profile didn’t exactly have the type of information I was hoping for, namely, a list of her turn-ons, but the similarities between our Facebook pages were striking: we both were born in September; we both liked movies; and we both had genders. We were practically made for each other. Really the only big difference in our profiles was the activity on our walls. Hers was plastered with inside jokes from attractive friends and flirtatious messages from tanned guys, while mine had only one comment. It was from my roommate, reminding me to pick up more toilet paper for the room.
probably not. And what the hell was this “Poke” feature? Up to this point I had been using it only for nefarious purposes. Back in November, for instance, this kid called me a moron for accidentally knocking over his pencil case, and since then I had been relentlessly poking him three times a day for ten straight weeks. But while Facebook poking was a great tool for tormenting my male enemies, I wasn’t sure how females would react to it. I’ve had some bad luck with poking girls in the past. In elementary school I got in big trouble for poking Sally Jensen in the eye, then in junior high I got in even more trouble for poking Sally again, this time in the boob. It seemed to me that this Facebook “poke” feature was just asking for trouble, as it was little more than a virtual “fondle” button. Since sending Jen a friend request appeared a little aggressive, and poking her seemed borderline illicit, I determined that the least creepy course of action was to use her tagged pictures to identify her most frequented areas on campus, and then start loitering in those same areas myself. You can read more from Eric Kester in That Book About Harvard (Sourcebooks 2012)
out now!
I considered sending Jen a friend request, but how would I preface it? I was totally lost when it came to Facebook etiquette. Like, could I be “friends” with a stranger? My understanding of opposites told me
Totally useless fact: Some carnivores, rodents, bats and insectivores have a penis bone, called a baculum.
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frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Hey Frank, My feet stink. What do I do about it? Mark
Assuming you’ve already tried the obvious things like baby powder, a change of socks and buying shoes that can actually breathe, it may be time to stop using deodorant altogether so the shock of taking your shoes off becomes comparatively mild. FRANK FACT: Frank made the mistake of wearing boots to work during a double-shift on a day the heater knob was stuck. Apparently it’s not just soldiers who can get trench rot.
Hi Frank,
Seriously, what is the big obsession guys have with boobs? Linda I assume you’re looking for an answer more academic than, “Because they’re freakin’ awesome!” I guess you could blame evolution and how full, round, supple breasts are a physical indicator of maternal fitness, which would increase the odds of a male’s offspring surviving and passing his genes to the next generation. But do we need all that? Look at them for chrissakes! THEY’RE FREAKIN’ AWESOME! FRANK THOUGHT: It’s all fun and games until somebody motorboats your mom.
Dearest Frank,
Settle this once and for all. Why the double standard where guys who have lots of sex are STUDS but girls who have lots of sex are SLUTS? Desiree Because guys are insecure little babies who are terrified of being compared against other people who may have actually rocked your world. Slut shaming is just their way of excusing the fact that they’re probably lousy in the sack. FRANK THOUGHTS: “Stud” has nothing to do with quantity of lays and everything to do with quality of performance. At least it should.
Hiya Frank!
It’s super easy for any girl to have a hot costume on Halloween. Even if they’re only marginally attractive, all they have to do is dress slutty and guys slobber over them. How does a guy like myself without chiseled arms and a six pack get the girls slobbering all over me this Halloween? Chad I think the answer is right there in your question: slobber. Come up with a costume that incorporates a dog. Or a baby. Or a BABY DOG! Hell, I’d slobber on you if you were carrying around a puppy! Or maybe you should just, be, I don’t know, ironic or something. Go as some obscure movie character. Then at least the hipster chicks will be all up on you. FRANK FACT: Bringing a baby to the park doesn’t get you near as much tail as they would have you believe.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
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Totally useless fact: Charlie Brown’s father was a barber.
CHARTED
THINGS I’VE GAINED AFTER 7 YEARS OF UNIVERSITY
WHY ALARM CLOCKS ARE USEFUL
ABILITY TO CRITICALLY ANALYZE INFORMATION ABILITY TO WRITE A DECENT ESSAY
YOU CAN SAY THEY MALFUNCTIONED AND BLAME THEM FOR YOUR BEING LATE
ABILITY to LIVE OFF $7 A WEEK FOR FOOD
THEY WAKE YOU UP IN THE MORNING
STUDENT DEBT
WHAT PEOPLE THINK WHEN THEY SEE AN EYEPATCH
EYE INJURY
FASHION STATEMENT
WHY PEOPLE USE FREE TRIALS
TO TRY OUT THE PRODUCT
TO USE IT FOR FREE
YARRRRR!
Totally useless fact: Jellyfish have no brains, yet they can tell light from dark, and sence movement.
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october 2012
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shut up and drive Dear Frank,
I walked in on my roommate while she was using a vibrator. Now it’s all awkward and tense in the room. What should I do? Krystal I don’t know. I mean you’ve already broken the cardinal rule of the Roommate Masturbation Pact, which is NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN! Seriously though, unless she was using your vibrator, it’s really nothing worth getting tense about. SNAPPLE FACT: The original Roommate Masturbation Pact was drafted on the same parchment as the Magna Carta.
Frank,
Somebody keeps pissing all over the seat in the bathroom. What are we going to do about this? Geoff I can’t think of (nor legally recommend) any ways of discovering the pee perp’s identity. But assuming you somehow do, the solution is easy. Follow him into the shower stall and pee on his towel. Your energy is probably better spent just wiping off the seat though.
Dear Frank,
Uuuummmmm… my boyfriend BIT ME the other night in bed. Is that a thing guys think we’re really into? Sandy I assume you’re talking “during sex” and not “while sleeping.” If I’m wrong, please write back, because that would require a COMPLETELY different set of advice. It’s not that ALL guys necessarily think ALL girls are into the biting. But, I’m going to let you in on a little secret about guys. If something works on one person, we just kind of assume it’s more or less universal. My guess is some old girlfriend was into the biting and now you’re left to deal with her residual teeth marks. Looks like you need to find a way to let this boy know you are WAY not into that. I’d say bite him back next time, but I kind of think it would have the reverse effect you were hoping for. FRANK FACT: When Frank couldn’t figure out how to end things with a married woman, he left a hickey on her neck. The situation just kind of worked itself out.
Hey-oooo Frank,
Be honest, you’ve had a month now. What’s your impression of this year’s freshman chicks? Hot but REALLLLLY young looking. AMIRITE? Shaun (Senior) To be honest, at my age, you all look seventeen. But I know you’re NOT seventeen which is why I would absolutely… let’s just say it surprises me when girls get in the cab complaining to their friends about not getting laid. Who of you is turning any of you down? FRANK FACT: Frank smokes a lot after his shifts.
Dear Frank,
I’m thinking of changing majors from Business to Marketing. But I’ve already invested so much time and school into Business and a lot of the credits don’t translate well across majors. I guess it’s not the WORST thing in the world, but the thought of an extra year of school is just exhausting to think about. What should I do, Frank? Paul No one cares Paul. Seriously, after the topics we covered today, nobody even read this one. FRANK FACT: You just read this one. Good job unraveling the space-time continuum.
k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal myc am fran
FRANK FACT: Frank resents the Social Contract that says he has to wash his hands after peeing even at an automatic flush toilet where he legitimately didn’t touch a goddamn thing except the zipper on his pants and really come on his penis is probably the cleanest thing on his body for as much time as he spends at it in the shower so really people should be more concerned about shaking his hand after he touched that nasty faucet knob than they should be shaking his hand after touching his BELT BUCKLE and for chrissake now that we’re on the topi[message truncated]
Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 20
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Totally useless fact: Almonds are members of the peach family.
hahaha
Remember
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. “Are you the Manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. “Actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks, “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.” “Of course,” replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?” “Aberdeen,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.” “Of course,” replies the second man.
A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him: “Do you wanna drink?” And the man replies with: “Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night I was blowing Chunks all night!” And the bartender says: “Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk.” Then the man says: “No you don’t understand. My dog’s name is Chunks.”
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?” “Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ‘62.” “This is unbelievable,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ‘62, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
Totally useless fact: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
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HEADER WHO YA GONNA CALL?
The Toilet Whispererer
By John Scheck
To Whom It May Concern, in my quest to out to the hardwa re store Wish me luck as I venture of my toile t loca ted in the bat hroom fix the world’s firs t indoor aga in just If you don’t hea r from me ancient apa rtm ent in Spa in. Based on a one day to true story! regret tha t I won’t be around only I . you love I t tha w kno but yet n dre chil any e jail. I don’t hav bail my gra ndchildren out of prospects rea list ic about the voc atio nal wit h my DNA I have to be of my would-b e progeny. mb ers ma ke, so call ing in a s about how much mon ey plu joke ke ma ple peo in Spa in Eve n here of dozens of hom e ched four or five seconds wat ly bab pro I’ve n. stio que pro fession al is out of the g so how hard could ing, any thin g more ent erta inin eth som to ng tchi swi ore improveme nt shows bef wre nch. The own ers of the store to buy the righ t size iety var the to go I t Firs ” so I fixing a toile t be? w the word for “box wre nch ted Spa nish and I don’t kno limi h wit nts igra imm ese So as not shop are Chin rt shoutin g out movie titles. I’m playing cha rad es and sta t tha k thin y The it. e mim try to Wiz ard of Oz and won wit h her guess of The has an wom the t tha d ten to off end anyone I pre on my own. sta rt look ing for the wre nch e no idea wha t it’s call ed, the par t I need except I hav buy to re sto re dwa har to the From here I go to the is good enough to explain it any lang uag e. My Spa nish in not , lish Eng in not , t sou nd not in Spa nish Spa nish I’m sure tha t I mus althoug h in my rat her literary re sto re dwa har the at wom an ious lit tle wom an. I’m look ing for a cur ter. “Good morning, my good ewa Bilg of ke hdu Arc the like purging the porcela in sea t er above my com mod e thus wat of ern cist the s ase t. I appara tus tha t rele story and sells me the par .” She gets the gist of my ern cist d ione ent rem afo g and the n ref illin , and exit. tip my hat, bow gra cef ully s “plumb er” off my list of on which is tha t I can cros less able valu a ned gai I If not hing else gery per for min g ope n-h ear t sur have bee n less of a failure ld wou I k thin I . eers car le possib e died leas t my pat ient would hav I was fixing the cra pper. At wit hout any tra inin g tha n creepy gurglin g noises, and while leak ing fluids, ma king tely fini inde ed fer suf not imm edia tely and I had ext ra par ts lef t over greater catast rophe. And if n eve an of ge ver the on always being apa rtm ent. s on the balcony below my ld have fed the m to the cat cou I job t ear n-h ope the af ter two you’ve just spe nt the last se of accomplish ment whe n sen any of lack e init def a There is the urg e to Wit h tha t said I stil l have t worked just fin e yes terd ay. tha ing eth som ng fixi rs hou lly, rea lly works! Com e ld, “My toile t flushes! It rea wor the to out ut sho and wal k down the street eve me.” take a look if you don’t beli
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Totally useless fact: The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.
happy birthday, mr. president
Little Known Facts About...
By Chad Squitieri
American
Presidents We all know the same basic facts about our nation’s Presidents. Washington crossed the Delaware, Lincoln spoke at Gettysburg, and FDR passed the New Deal. But what I bet you didn’t know is that there were several pairs of wooden stilts used in the White House under President Teddy Roosevelt, or that President Ford once worked as a male model. If you did know that, well then kudos, but keep reading and I am sure you are bound to learn something new about some of our country’s Presidents of the past. 24
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TOUGH AS NAILS You probably knew that most of our past Commander-in-Chiefs were pretty tough. But this tough? Abraham Lincoln once responded to someone’s request for a duel by stating that if the duel were to take place, which it didn’t, then he and his opponent would duel using broad swords. Think about that for a second. President Lincoln was called into a duel, and responded that not only would he not back down, but he would use a sword! I guess Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was historically correct after all. Lincoln’s opponent, recognizing Lincoln’s physical advantage at over 6 feet tall quickly decided that the two settle their differences in a less physical manner. President Washington was no stranger to toughness either. In a battle in 1775 Washington had two horses shot while he was riding them, as well as several bullets pierce his uniform, including one that took his hat clear off his head. He went on to leave the battle without any injuries. President Jackson, whose nickname Old Hickory just screams toughness, survived an assassination attempt and then went on to attack his would-be assassin. In 1835 the would-be assassin fired a gun at point-blank range at President Jackson. The gun failed to go off, which is when the man pulled out another gun and fired at the President, only to have that gun misfire as well. President Jackson then went on to beat the man with his cane until the president’s aids literally pulled him away.
SCHOOL IS OUT As you are sitting in class contemplating whether or not you should put this down and pick up your textbook, you might be interested in knowing that ten Presidents never received a college degree. On the other end of the formal education spectrum, President Wilson is the sole President to date to have earned a PhD. However, since President Eisenhower, who earned his degree from the United States Military Academy, each President has earned a college degree. So it may not hurt to keep hitting the books. ANIMAL LOVERS These days, when you think of White house pets, a dog or a cat may come to mind – this was not always the case. President Teddy Roosevelt, an avid hunter, brought home a badger that remained a pet in the White House and was said to nip at people’s feet. President Jefferson housed two bear cubs on the White House grounds before sending them off to Philadelphia, and President Coolidge kept a variety of animals, including a bobcat and pygmy hippo. To think that all those animals once lived in the same grounds as the President! These days, even the squirrels probably have to have clearance to run across the white house lawn.
Totally useless fact: If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050.
R E B O T C O
play with yourself
GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: Duddley DoRight’s Horses name was “Horse.”
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play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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october 2012
Totally useless fact: The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
R E B O T OC
you sooooo cheated
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 Oz.
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october 2012
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!
Fall Events in Gainesville
Get Out And
Oct. 5 & 12: Free Friday Concert Series Oct. 5: United Downtown Oct. 13-14: Butterďƒ&#x;y Fest Oct. 13-14: Downtown Festival & Art Show Oct. 15 - Dec. 31: Blue Trees on UF Campus Oct. 19: United Downtown Oct. 26-28: The Fest 11 Oct. 26: Gainesville Artwalk Oct. 27: 8th Annual Florida Bat Festival Nov. 9: Gator Growl Nov. 24: Cane Boil Nov. 30: Gainesville Artwalk
About!
Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts, and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
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VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
Totally useless fact: Connecticut and Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment: Prohibition.
Totally useless fact: Starfish don’t have brains.
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WTF?
How to
by Daniel Sutphin
Survive 101 of Life’s
Worst F* !-ing
Situations We’ve all had those moments of disbelief when, despite the so-called moral code generated in a civil society, someone does something to or around you that leaves you utterly speechless. However speechless, one thought still enters the mind…WTF?!? Written by Gregory Bergman and Anthony W. Haddad, this take on the WTF? Series explores these very moments in a variety of atmospheres and offers a number of comical responses to best deal with the eff’d up situation. Whether it happens at school, the workplace, out on the town or at home, WTF? has got your reaction covered!
No.80 YOUR GIRLFRIEND WANTS TO GET EXCLUSIVE This day was bound to come. Where did you think you were, Mars? Who did you think you were, the one guy that can go out with a chick for months and avoid it? Ever been out with a girl before? Did you really think she was just going to go out with you until you were ready to make the next move? Think again, because the time for “the talk” has come. What will your answer be? The WTF Approach to the F* !-ing Talk Option 1: Tell Her Your Want to Keep It Open
If you’re not sure whether you want to get serious, nothing will put things in perspective more than the knowledge that she’d be going out with (meaning banging) other guys. If this drives you crazy, then you probably like her and you’ll ask her to get exclusive. Option 2: Say, “OK” – but Keep Playing the Field
The truth of the matter is you never signed up for this, and it’s unfair that she alone defines the dynamics of your relationship. You may like her the best out of the women you’re dating, but you need more time to see if you want to get exclusive. Make sure you memorize all phone numbers and take frequent showers. 30
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Option 3: Break It Off
If you’re not that into her, break it off now before you cause any more damage. Sure, you’d like to sleep with her for a few more weeks, but bandages are best pulled off quickly. She’ll inevitably accuse you of leading her on. Say goodbye and that you’re sorry. (Even though you know that in your heart of hearts, you did nothing wrong. You liked her, you went out with her, and you would’ve liked to keep liking her and going out with her. So WTF is up with this woman?) Even if you haven’t had “the talk,” she might think you’re exclusive if:
• You go out with her every Saturday night. • You’ve met her family more than once. • S he keeps a lot of her crap at your house. • You’ve been dating more than a month. • You pick her up and/or drop her off at the airport. • You’ve taken her on more than one weekend trip. • You’ve helped her move.
While none of these things constitutes an implicit exclusive dating agreement, a few together may. However, if she keeps a box of tampons in your bathroom cabinet, you’ve definitely got a girlfriend. And before you know it, a wife, too.
Note:
Totally useless fact: The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
WTF?
CAMPUS
No.41 YOUR ROOMMATE SKIPS OUT THE DAY BEFORE RENT IS DUE It’s the first of the month and, as usual, you can barely come up with your half of the rent – let alone your roomie’s half. You had a feeling that you couldn’t trust that guy. Sh*t! You can try to reason with your landlord, but he is probably a heartless bastard. So, what can you do? In pornographic movies, the landlord takes sex as payment for rent. In the real world, this is less common. Sure, your landlord may want to tap that ass, but he’s got bills, too. Still, there’s always something that can be done when it’s the first of the month and you’re short on funds, and with WTF, you might be able to keep a roof over your head. The WTF Approach to Making Your F* !-ing Rent Option 1: Sell Your Junk
You can probably sell a lot of things lying around your apartment. CDs, DVDs and video games should be sold off first. If you’re really short, start selling jewelry and appliances. Hit up eBay or similar auction sites to hock your wares, but avoid pawnshops, since they give you a bad rate and you’ll never come up with the money to get your stuff back anyway. Option 2: Sell Your Body
If you’re decent looking and have lax morals, get a job at a strip club. If you’re not so cute, get a job at a trashy strip club. You can also go on Craigslist and sell whatever services you have to offer, even if they don’t seem like much. Willing to give nude massages, light spanking or let strangers take a dump on our stomach? There’s a market for your services. Option 3: Sell Your Children
When worse comes to worst, you can sell off your children to science, the circus or possibly a high-profile celebrity with an adoption addiction – think Angelina Jolie. At least these people will be able to afford to keep a roof over your kids’ heads. Option 4: Borrow Money
If you haven’t already used up your credit line with your friends and family, go ahead and borrow a little from them. They know
1702 W. University Ave 352.692.4400
www.pitapit2go.com
you’re not good for it, so don’t feel bad about not paying them back. If everyone in your personal life knows what a no-good slacker you are and won’t float you a few bucks, max out your credit cards, get a couple payday loans, take whatever credit any moron will give you and then change your phone number. Don’t borrow from the mob though – you’ll end up renting a hospital bed or spot in the nearest river if you do. Option 5: Get a New Roommate
So what if you think you prefer to live alone. You’d also prefer to fly first class, drive a Mercedes and spend your summers in the Hamptons, but you can’t even make your rent. Just think of it as college, except you’re 30. If you’re a post grad at your local university, choose wisely; your new roomie might have tons of sexy, co-ed friends that love older guys. Option 6: Change the Locks
Buy some time before they break down the door. In the meantime, try to come up with the cash or start packing. If you can’t move in with your parents and have no friends, find a codependent lover to move in with.
Catering?
WE DO IT!
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OFF
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Option 7: Move
You could always follow the lead of your roommate and bounce before you landlord has a chance to evict you. Granted, your new living arrangements will be a little different from your current situation. Old Place:
1200-square-foot home, 2BR, 2BA, with a big backyard shaded by two huge beautiful maple trees. Gleaming hardwood floors, spacious kitchen with huge range/oven and updated cabinets, fireplace, central heating and air conditioning. Very large living room with big windows looking out on the great backyard. Each bedroom has its own full bath.
DOWNTOWN 201 SE 2nd Ave 352.225.3539
www.relish2go.com
New Place:
Chevy Blazer, ’87, 2 door, V6, power windows, 4x4, clean interior, clean engine, runs well, stereo, A/C needs to be recharged.
Totally useless fact: Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
campus talk
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october 2012
31
FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
When to Lose Your by Brian Hodges
Virginity Popping your cherry. Giving your flower. Taking the one-way ticket out of Palmdale. Whatever tired euphemism you call it, losing your virginity can be a decision fraught with nerves and, depending on your religious affiliation, varying degrees of “when should I/who should I”? And despite what those same religions might tell you, there’s no single when or who that works for everyone. Here are some things to consider when it comes to cashing in your V-card. RANDOM LAY Sometimes you just wanna get it over with. And depending on the situation (events surrounding a rock concert or trip to Europe flash immediately to mind), this could end up being a really hot way to lose it. Especially if you’re a guy because, let’s face it, worst thing that happens for you is you’re lousy and so amped up that it only lasts ten seconds. The stakes are a bit higher for a girl becoming a woman since it can be hard to trust a quasi-stranger’s sensitivity when your first time begins to hurt. Still one would hope that you exercised at least a little judgment in this first-time fling. Point is, now is not the time to be timid. Own the moment. Tell him exactly what this night means for you, and speak up when you need him to stop or go slower. Maybe no Disney princess ever did it this way, but done correctly, your out-of-theblue first time could end up the stuff of rock-n-roll legend. 32
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BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND Statistically speaking this is the way most of you are likely to do it – according to studies I had neither the time nor inclination to look up. And there clearly is a lot of good that comes from losing your virginity to someone you know, trust, possibly even love. Most likely you’ll have talked about it ahead of time so that you’re both prepared physically and emotionally. What’s more, being invested in each other means your partner will hopefully be patient and considerate with you. Which is good because odds are high that no matter who your first time is with, it’s going to be weird, awkward, possibly even unpleasant. That’s why doing it that first time with a significant other can be so great. Not only can the two of you laugh together whenever hymen, lubrication and your own mutual geometries get in the way, but you can talk about what went “wrong” the first time and make it better the next go around.
GOOD FRIEND Listen, boyfriends come and girlfriends go. But losing your virginity to a dear friend can serve to strengthen the bond you have and be something the two of you remember fondly long after you’ve each partnered off with others. It can be odd, no doubt, and very easy for one person or the other to get more attached than intended. We’re so used to having our sexual feelings mix with romantic ones as opposed to platonic, and if you’re not careful it can lead to a lot of hurt and possibly the end of the friendship. But come on, the reason the two of you have remained friends so long in the first place is good open communication. So talk it out ahead of time. Talk it out afterward. Talk it out during. You’re friends for crying out loud. Now is not the time to stop telling each other everything!
MARRIAGE There are any number of psychologists, anthropologists and biologists who could give far more academic explanations for why waiting for marriage is neither wise nor historically common for our species. But when the Big Man says, “DO IT!” (or “DON’T” in this case), all those stats, studies and peer reviewed papers don’t mean much. So assuming you’re part of the statistical minority who will actually make good on their purity pledge, let me caution you to please not put too much weight in this single moment. It’s hard enough for most people’s first time to live up to over twenty years of anticipation. But when you add in the Lord Almighty, not to mention your mom, dad and every single one of your youth group friends who know exactly what’s about to go on in that honeymoon suite, to call this a high pressure situation is like calling crucifixion a light stabbing. Biggest piece of advice I have for you is this: RELAX. Clearly you intend on spending the rest of your life with this person. That means you’ve got all the time in the world beyond this one night to get it just right. Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianHodges
Totally useless fact: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES! C A M P U S LO D G E G A I N E S V I L L E . C O M
Stupid 13 By Ami Gavarian
Superstitions
Some people will go to extreme lengths just to abide by some preposterous superstition or myth. From wearing the same pair of underwear for weeks on end to sitting in a contorted position while watching your favorite team play, there are thousands of insanely idiotic superstitions that people live and die by day after day… or so they think. Check out these superstitions that will make you laugh your ass off at the general population!
SCRATCH ‘N’
SNIFF!
It’s bad luck to sleep on a table How are you going to justify that to some dude who got laid on top of the pool table at some party the other night? Unless, of course, he caught the clap from her… If a dog howls, death is near Then every dog groomer, walker and, most likely, owner is in serious danger of his or her life. Garlic protects from evil spirits and vampires But what does it do to protect you from rank breath? An apple a day keeps the doctor away Well, not if you’re also eating bacon-wrapped steak every day and chain-smoking like a fiend. An itchy palm means money is coming your way Tell that to the homeless guy with athlete’s hand and an empty charity jar… If you drop a fork, a woman will visit you No s***, Sherlock! Who else besides your waitress would pick up the fork?
Animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve And fat-ass Santa can slide his way up and down your chimney without using an industrialsized bottle of grease. Smell dandelions and you’ll wet the bed It couldn’t be that you just had too much to drink that night, could it? A sailor wearing an earring cannot drown Maybe because a sailor wearing an earring would never be allowed on a boat in the first place! Eating fish makes you smart Then Ron Jeremy must be Albert freakin’ Einstein! Finding a heads-up penny is good luck Maybe in the 1700s when a penny could buy you more than a single grain of rice… A rabbit’s foot brings good luck And probably several diseases, such as rabies. Lucky you! Our fate is written in the stars Too bad they don’t teach astrological literacy in public schools.
Al� Inclusiv� 2, 3 & 4 Bedroo� Apartment�! WiFi Access • Computer Lab w/ Printing Exciting Social Events • Resort Style Pool 24 Hour Fitness Center • Basketball Courts South Beach Tanning Domes • Gated Community
C Facebook.com/TheCampusLodge 352.367.2800 | 2800 SW Williston Rd | Gainesville, FL 32608
Totally useless fact: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
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33
it’s not easy being green
Going in Gainesville If you live in Florida, you know energy conservation is very important in our state. Here in Gainesville, both the city and the University of Florida are considered leaders in this area, with successful green building programs that began decades ago. Rinker Hall, home to the School of Building Design & Construction, opened in 2003 as a showplace of modern green building and design. It was the first building in Florida to follow the guidelines of the United States Green Building Council, and architects and builders still tour the facility for ideas regularly. At more than 47,000 square feet, the massive building is surprisingly energy efficient, using approximately 57 percent less energy than comparable buildings of its size in the state.
What’s Green?
Some of the aspects of green building seem simple enough, like placing windows to take advantage of natural light, or using energy efficient lighting fixtures and bulbs and drought resistant landscaping to reduce water consumption. Other systems are more complex, such as photovoltaic solar panels for generating electricity or the installation of sophisticated evaporative cooling systems. In green building, where your materials come from is important. Whenever possible, using locally produced materials and local labor reduces pollution from transportation as well as fuel usage. It also can save money on overall construction costs.
The Rinker building design includes an abundance of windows that allow for 98 percent of the building to be lit with Florida sunshine throughout the daytime hours. In addition, restrooms within the building utilize waterless urinals that save millions of gallons of water every year. Off campus, the City of Gainesville passed one of the first pro-green ordinances in the country nearly ten years ago. It encourages developers and builders to use green products and systems to build in the city and rewards the projects with fast track approvals and reduced fees for building permits. One popular green building material being seen more and more in Gainesville is concrete. Insulated Concrete Forms, or ICFs, are a revolutionary way of constructing external walls to be both hurricane resistant and energy efficient. Forms are stacked on the building site to create the building outline and shape. Concrete is then brought in and poured into the forms. When the concrete sets, the forms are removed and an extremely energy efficient, hurricane proof structure is framed. The Florida Green Building Coalition offers an abundance of information about green building techniques and developments. For more information, visit www.floridagreenbuilding.org
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Totally useless fact: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
Absence
Notes Gone Wrong Excuses from parents! Everyone, point and laugh! By Kelli McKinney
Sally won’ t be in school a we Friday. We have to atten ek from d her funeral. Dear School: Please eggscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
come Me gan could not ecause to school today b by ered she has been both very close veins.
Please excuse Jimmy for not being in school Please excuse Lisa for being yesterday. His She was sick and father is gone and absent.her shot. I had I could not get him ready because I was in bed with Irving was absent the doctor. yesterday because Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.
my Please excuse Jim his for being. It was father’s fault.
he missed his bust.
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Totally useless fact: The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
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october 2012
35
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damnyouautocorrect.com
LIVE CLOSE. LIVE COLLEGE.
Y PL AP AY D TO
apply today @ royal village.com
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Totally useless fact: The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
damnyouautocorrect.com
Totally useless fact: The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
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october 2012
39
CHARTED
MEDITATIONS ON THE INFORMATION AGE
WHY I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND I’M SHY AROUND GIRLS, BUT GREAT ONCE I GET TO KNOW THEM
THINK PRINT IS DYING
I’M AVERAGE LOOKING, BUT HAVE A FUN PERSONALITY
BLOGGERS
I DON’T HANG OUT WITH THE POPULAR CROWD, BUT HAVE FUN, CLOSE FRIENDS
WANT A BOOK DEAL I’M A LEVEL-80 PALADIN
WHAT I DO WHILE WAITING FOR MY TOAST TO POP UP
POTENTIAL PARTNER ATTRIBUTES MENTALLY STABLE
CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN GET OUT THE BUTTER UNAVAILABLE
JUST FRIENDS ATTRACTIVE
INSANE
UGLY
SINGLE
STARE AT THE TOASTER
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october 2012
Totally useless fact: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
one line wisdom!
Scheck-isms by john scheck
Your freedom to play the accordion ends when I am in range to hit you with a pillowcase filled with pool balls.
Totally useless fact: Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
campus talk
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october 2012
41
CAN’T SPELL “HEX” WITHOUT “EX”
Practical Methods of Ex-Revenge By Brian Hodges
After that good-for-nothing slug of a boyfriend dumps you for somebody else, you’ll most likely progress through the five stages of grief: Denial: “They’re just friends, right?” Anger: “I’m gonna get that scum-sucking loser!!!” Bargaining: “Please, please, just give me one more chance.” Depression: “All… by… my… se-e-elf…” Acceptance: “Hi anonymous frat guy, I’m drunk and on the rebound.”
But let’s focus on Anger for a bit, shall we? Even though you once swore you’d marry that boy, right now all you can think about is hurting him. And hey, we can certainly dig that, if only for the purposes of entertainment. The trick is to exact revenge without revealing any of that raving “a woman scorned” psychosis. After all, you don’t want him to feel justified for leaving your sorry ass, do you? So before you go carving your name into his leather seats and whatnot, just stop, breathe, pop a happy pill and try these more subtle methods of revenge.
DELUGE HIS INBOX
Go online and sign him up for every list serve they have a topic for. After a month or so, his e-mail will be so crammed with discussions about scrapbooking, dolphin training, breastfeeding, coin collecting, bee keeping, vegan lifestyles and refrigerator repair that he’ll have no choice but to abandon that precious screen name he’s had since high school. Be sure to throw a bunch of racist and extremist newsletters in the mix so the FBI starts tracking his movements.
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october 2012
LEAVE A LITTLE PINK MEMENTO
Before walking your box-o-stuff out of his apartment for the last time, leave a positive pregnancy test (hopefully somebody else’s) conspicuously on the bathroom sink. Say nothing about it. Let him – and his new squeeze – draw their own conclusions.
CHANGE HIS PASSWORDS
Come on, admit it, you know at least one of them, whether it’s the code for his voicemail or the PIN number to his savings account that you “accidentally” memorized while leering over his shoulder. Whatever the case, get in there before he does and change all those passwords to something like “assface” or a numeric rendering of the word “BOOBLESS.” What you choose to do with your jurisdiction over his personal assets is up to your discretion, but let’s not break any laws… at least none that can be traced back to you. Forcing him to go through the customer service nightmare of reverting all those “forgotten” logins should be sufficient retribution.
YOUTUBE HIS ASS
No literally. Upload the cell phone video of you and him trying out that creative new position – conveniently cropped, of course, so that all you see and hear is his dumb ass. Forward the link anonymously to the entire college directory and let everyone have a good laugh at his ridiculous pillow talk and even more ridiculous o-face face.
Totally useless fact: The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
DATE HIS BEST FRIEND
Guys don’t have the same interpersonal ethics that girls do, so hooking up with a buddy’s ex-girlfriend is totally fair game. Take advantage of that low moral code and drive your ex crazy by doing all the things with his best friend that you never did with him. Dress sexier, nag less, watch SportsCenter and, of course, let go of all inhibitions in bed. Once he realizes his mistake in letting a good thing get away, he’ll be crawling back to you. By then, with luck, you’ll have developed genuine feelings for your new boy and, in the ultimate act of revenge, can tell that fickle lowlife ex of yours to kiss off permanently.
Seriously ladies, he’s just a guy – a college guy. He’s probably not worth all your aggravation and heartache. But if sticking it to that loser just once helps you progress through those five annoying stages of grief, well, we think that’s worth-our time – again, for the entertainment value alone. Just be sure to e-mail us your stories… and the unedited version of that YouTube.
Totally useless fact: The average person’s left hand does 56 percent of the typing.
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october 2012
43
This award is presented to:
Award 2012
Clinger
CONGRATULATIONS I
n recognition of your outstanding persistence to not walk away. Like a moth gravitating toward a light, you continue to flitter about the space of those who do not care for your presence. With each story told and each laughter shared, you attempt to slide your way into the group, all the while failing to recognize the growing flame of negative energy before you. Leave it to you to take an obligatory polite action, such as a “How are you?” or “Hello,” as an invitation for you to cling to the party until you get so close that you are burned by the very source of which you so longed to be apart.
presented by signed date
Totally useless fact: “I am.� is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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october 2012
45
for the girls
AUTUMN By Emily Alter
BEAUTY AWAITS! It’s time to kick your beauty routine into full gear for the start of Fall! Look and smell your best with these products you’ll Fall in love with! Dr. Teal’s Epson Salt Foot Scrub in Revitalize & Refresh
Pamper and reward your feet with this refreshing foot scrub! The exfoliating salt and soothing oils will leave your feet invigorated. $4.99 Walmart, Target, Publix and drteals.com
Eau Thermale Avène Skin Recovery Cream
This lightweight moisturizer is clinically proven to significantly reduce skin sensitivity and irritation. The active ingredient proven to work, PARCERINE, calms your skin while actively repairing damage. $32 aveneusa.com
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october 2012
Kiss My Face Moisture Shave in Key Lime You’re already a smooth-talker, now have extra smooth skin with Kiss My Face Moisture Shaves. No harsh chemicals, only nourishing ingredients and a sweet scent! $7.95 Whole Foods and kissmyface.com
Totally useless fact: The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.
for the girls
China Glaze On Safari in I’m Not Lion
This shimmering shade will have everyone claiming you’re king of the jungle! $7 chinaglaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze On Safari in Call of the Wild
Show off your fall style with a deep brown shade. $7 chinaglaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
Bodycology Fragrance Mist in Sugared Candy Apple
This delicious apple fragrance will have you smelling sweeter than candy this fall! $5.99 Walmart, Target, Publix and bodycology.com
Duality Cosmetic Nail Pak in Meryl
Have your polish handy but forgot your file? Never again with the Duality Cosmetic Pak! This 3-in-1 nail pak includes polish remover, polish and a file, so convenient you’ll always have perfectly manicured nails! $15 dualitycosmetics.com Totally useless fact: Shrimps’ hearts are in their heads.
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october 2012
47
IN THE STARS!
Humor
Bella Fountain Bella Fountain
OCTOBER
scopes 2012
The stars are in the midst of a vicious battle with a bunch of ghosts and spirits who think this month is all about them. Well, they should be warned that our infinite power over the universe is much more significant than their one day dedicated to dressing up like superheroes and harassing people for bite-sized candies. Then again, harassing people for candy is something the stars can truly appreciate… ARIES
LEO
SAGITTARIUS
A former flame will breeze back into your life with no apparent recollection of your past relationship. Shag them senseless and dump them quickly. They are obviously mentally defective but still hot.
Have you ever wondered where you’d be right now if things were different? If you’d made the right choices, you’d probably be at class instead of reading a magazine because you slept in again.
You have to stop with the incessant Facebooking. It’s embarrassing. Such around-the-clock addiction to a social networking site is reserved for 13-year-old girls and pedophiles.
(21 Mar–20 Apr)
VIRGO
CAPRICORN
Things will start to turn around for you this month. Your YouTube notoriety is dying down nicely. The daily hits on your “I Love My Cat” blog are still affecting your street cred, though.
Looking nice, Virgo. Who’d have thought a kickboxing DVD would turn you from flab to fab? Now all you need to do is stock up on spandex and run around campus in your skin-tight outfit. Sexy!
The stars are on your side this month, providing you with everything your heart desires. Just don’t be surprised when you wake up to a room full of Cheetos and Natty Light. You should’ve hoped for cash!
AQUARIUS
You need a new look. Your current one is crap. I’m thinking emo rocker with a musical theater influence. Or maybe just shave your entire head, eyebrows included.
You will be challenged to a life-or-death match of beer pong. Unlike that math test you just failed, now is the time to put to use all that studying you’ve done on the topic. See the cup, be the ball.
You will lose all your friends when they find out you’ve been stealing their dirty underwear and making a collage in your bedroom. At least that explains the rancid smell in your room.
(23 Jun–23 Jul)
You will spend countless hours in the kitchen this month. You have no prior experience cooking, nor are you well-versed with different ingredients. That’s why all your dinner guests will get sick. october 2012
(23 Dec–19 Jan)
LIBRA
CANCER
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(24 Aug–23 Sep)
GEMINI
(22 May–22 Jun)
campus talk
(23 Nov–22 Dec)
TAURUS
(21 Apr–21 May)
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(24 Jul–23 Aug)
(24 Sep–23 Oct)
(20 Jan–19 Feb)
SCORPIO
PISCES
The stars have provided you with an aura of irresistibility this month. Use it to your benefit to lure sexy hook-ups. Just be sure to steer clear of any psychotic partners who claim to be your soul-mate.
You are destined to stumble upon unimaginable wealth this month. Soon thereafter, everyone you know will come knocking to mooch. Laugh in their face and then go “make it rain” at the strip club.
(24 Oct–22 Nov)
(20 Feb–20 Mar)
Totally useless fact: Barbie’s full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
FLU SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
EVERYBODY!
shcc.ufl.edu
ȱǭȱ Ĵ DZȱ
Seasonal influenza vaccine provides the best protection available from seasonal flu.
SAVE YOURSELF THE HEADACHE. GET YOUR FREE* FLU SHOT AT UF STUDENT HEALTH TODAY! *Free flu shots (intramuscular injection only) available to current UF students with valid UF ID. Visit http://shcc.ufl.edu for more information.
RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
You answer me, #1 although I never ask you questions. What am I?
1) A telephone. 2) If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! 3) A promise. 4) Your father. 5) A riverbank.
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
eadow, Past mountain, m ollows a field and hill, it f g still. in d n ta s e il h w er v ri
#2
ipating c i t r a p You are e. in a rac take the r You ove erson. What p second are you in? position 50
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#3
You can’t keep this until you have given it.
#4
Your mother’s brother’s only b in-law is asleep rotheryour couch. Whoon asleep on your c is ouch?
Totally useless fact: Uma Thurman’s father was the first American to be ordained a Tibetan Buddhist monk.
hahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, “That’s a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?” So the man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life.” The bartender says. “Well, that’s great. But why does he have a wooden leg?” The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life.” The bartender says, “That’s really terrific, but why the wooden leg?” The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life.” And finally the bartender says, ”Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?” The man says, “When you have a pig this special, you can’t eat all of it at once.”
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?” “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
Totally useless fact: Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
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MUSIC REVIEWS
By Daniel Sutphin
Tune InTurn OnPlug In PASSION PIT Live at The O’Dome
Indie electro-pop band, Passion Pit, will perform at the Stephen C. O’Connell Center on October 24 in Gainesville, Fla., courtesy of SGP Music and RUB Entertainment. The show will support the band’s new album “Gossamer”, which was released on July 24. Gainesville celebrated the album’s debut with a free and exclusive release party held at Flashback’s Café on University Avenue. “Gossamer” is the follow-up to the band’s 2009 debut “Manners”. The 12-tracks of emotionally-fused lyrics, pop hooks and emphatic dance beats featured on “Gossamer” earned an 8.4 rating from Pitchfork’s music staff, as well as the title of “Best New Music”. For UF students, seats in the bleachers are $15, and floor seats are $28. Tickets are $25 for bleacher seats and $38 for floor seats for non-students. Tickets will be sold on a firstcome, first-served basis, and capped at 5,000. SGP estimated about 500 available floor seats. Attendees can receive a limited number of Passion Pit posters and stickers, which will be passed out after the show.
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The Darkness Hot Cakes Best known for the single “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”, the Darkness returns from a seven-year hiatus to pick up right where they left off. Their new album “Hot Cakes” embodies the same throwback nature of heavy 70s rock riffs, thick tones and high-pitched vocals. The single, “Everybody Have A Good Time”, kicks off with an AC-DC-like, choppy strum, backed by a straightforward drum lead-in and followed by Justin Hawkins high-end vocals – busy, screechy (in a good way) and catchy – all of which leads to the big anthem-like chorus that strikes thoughts of Queen’s more basic rock anthems. The heaviest and most interesting track is that of “Street Spirit (Fade Out)”, which the intro riff, paired with Hawkins vocals, shows an obvious Iron Maiden influence.
The Neighbourhood I’m Sorry… With hints of Rock, R&B, Electronic, Pop and Hip Hop, The Neighbourhood blends this pop combo of genres to create a familiar sound, but one that exists outside of such labels. The first track and single, “Female Robbery” combines catchy, clean vocals, a subtle use of effects, raw drums and dark undertones to create a haunting, but strong single. The second track, “Leaving Tonight” strikes up thoughts of Jeff Buckley’s “Grace” – smooth vocals that possess an underlying raw tone. Despite the variety of influences, the five tracks fit together for an overall synergetic sound that doesn’t get old, boring or overstated at any point in the EP.
Dave Matthews Band Away From The World Recorded with Steve Lillywhite, producer of the band’s first three studio records, “Away From the World” bridges blues, rock, funk, folk, jazz and jam to bring the band’s familiar, but eclectic sonic blend. This mix is best heard with the funkier “Belly Belly Nice” and with the heavy horns, guitar and crashes of opening track, “Broken Things”. “Gaucho” and “Drunken Soldier” strike a familiarity of Dave’s earlier riffing – precise, clean and busy, but with an erratic underlying tension. Parts of “Drunken Soldier” strike back fondly to the soft, but rhythmic riff’s of early hit, “Satellite”. The single “Mercy” is a solid single, as with those of his previous albums, but it is overshadowed by the other tracks upon a full listen of the album.
Krewella Party Hard EP Whether a fan of dub-step and electronic music or not, in listening to Krewella, you will no doubt find yourself mindlessly tapping your foot. The difference from your standard house music is Krewella’s sturdy vocals stringing together the various swells and bends of keys, synth, drum and bass and infectious noise that dub-step so consistently delivers. The main single, “Play Hard” automatically transports the listener to the neons, smoke and sweat of the club. The vocals in the last track “Feel Me” can be likened to some modern artists such as Santigold and M.I.A.
Totally useless fact: A group of ravens is called a murder.
Totally useless fact: Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
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game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Transformers: Fall of Cybertron (In stores now) A prequel to the saga, Transformers: Fall of Cybertron pits you amid the final stance of the civil war between the Autobots and Decepticons. The game unveils key moments that led to the fall of Cybertron and, ultimately, their exodus from the planet. You can play as a variety of Transformers, including Grimlock’s T-Rex form and the Combaticons, which combine into Bruticus. Players can explore immense worlds and take part in a range of missions that are specific to each character’s skills. 54
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Assassin’s Creed III (October 30) Assassin’s Creed III brings the cause to a whole new level, in fact, to a whole new continent. It’s 1775 and the American colonies are soon to revolt. As Connor, a Native American assassin sworn to secure liberty for his people and his nation, you have to track and kill your enemies across the large, untamed, realistic world. The quest takes you from the disorder of city streets to bloodstained battlefields, all across the American wilderness.
Borderlands 2 (In stores now) Borderlands 2 expands the blending of FirstPerson Shooter and Role-Playing genres that was so essential in the first game, to lock in the true evolution of the Role-Playing Shooter. You can team up with three other players for a four-player online melee or bring it back to the classic split-screen mode. Level up your character and equip them with a variety of weapons. You can also choose from four new character classes.
Resident Evil 6 (October 2) No longer confined to a specific location, the outbreak of the C-virus escalates worldwide. You can play as multiple players with intertwining stories. Resident Evil 6 delivers both single and co-op gameplay either offline or online. The Resident Evil 6 control system now allows players to shoot while moving, sliding, rolling in any direction or when taking cover, along with the addition of an enhanced melee attack.
Dishonored (October 9) Lurk the streets in the plague-ridden city while exacting revenge on those who framed you for the murder of the Empress – the very woman you had been sworn to protect. You can choose to kill or spare the lives of people that will determine the fate of the country. The first-person control and combat system puts supernatural powers, weapons and unusual gadgets at your disposal. The game play allows you to approach each assassination with your own style of play, using shadow and sound to your advantage.
Totally useless fact: A group of officers is called a mess.
Two 1-night Halloween Horror Nights® tickets s One Universal Orlando® general parking pass s
No purchase necessary. To enter, you must be a Florida resident aged 18 years or older. Sweepstakes begins 9/1 and ends at 5pm (EST) on 10/31. Void where prohibited. Restrictions apply. The Sponsor: Campus Talk Magazine. The Walking Dead © 2012 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All rights reserved. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2012 Universal Studios. © 2012 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 253233/2012/TP
Video Star
Interviewed by Lauren Douglass
The Beautiful Taylor Bright Fresh off recording her new single, Don’t Cha, Taylor Bright sat down with CT to chat about the follow up to her first single, Psycho, and how to balance college-life and a music career.
“Criticism is like advice, you just have to see if you want to take anything from it or not.” 56
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Totally useless fact: Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
Video Star What is the new song like, and what can you tell us about the video shoot? It’s definitely more girly. It fits my personality more than my last single, Psycho, which is much darker and hits a much deeper topic. That shoot was shot all in one day and this was shot over four days. We had more time to think about what we really wanted to do. Don’t Cha is more of a light, summer shoot. It was fun. There was a lot of color. I think that this one is kind of me growing up from Psycho – getting out of the darker Taylor into a brighter Taylor Bright. The shoot was a bit hectic, but it was a lot of fun. I had a really good support team and my dancers were amazing. We did all outdoor shooting, but hurricane Isaac caused us to have a lot of rain. We had a lot of adjusting, such as cover locations and dealing with normal things like hair and makeup getting wet, as well as making sure the cameras were okay with the weather conditions. I think in the end, it turned out great. Emotionally, do you think you’ve grown from the first video to this one? Absolutely. On this video, I knew how to handle myself better, especially in front of the camera. I think adjusting from theater, which I did previously, to being in front of the camera is such a different thing. The lighting is different. The amount of takes is different. The shots are different. You have to be aware of your angle. Definitely just being on set, I have matured. Also portraying emotions is not as big of a job on camera. In the theater, the audience is sitting 50 feet away. It’s more intimate when the camera is right next to you. Tell me about your big break. How did it happen? When I was 13, I wrote my first song. I did that video and it took off really well. I toured the U.S. The remix on the dance club chart was at No. 28 for a few weeks. That was really the time that it was so exciting for me. That’s when I really knew that this was the right path for me.
So what has surprised you the most about the music industry? I think the biggest thing that surprised me were the hours; when people actually work. We work normally from 12 a.m. to 4 a.m. It’s not a daytime job. It’s more of an over the night job. I definitely had to adjust my sleeping habits. I think that the music industry is usually something that is really foreign to people. People will see stars as idols, but we go through everything that a normal person would go through. I stillhave to study for my classes; I’m just making a music video while I do it. I think that’s one of the biggest things. People think of the music industry as the easy life, but the people are real people; they go through the same things that a normal person would go through. How do you balance school and music? You really need to figure out how to focus in the moment. When I’m in class, I can’t think about the next video shoot I have or the next interview. I have to think about what I’m working on and what I’m studying. How do you handle criticism? I think the biggest thing is that you just need great support. I have great support from my family and friends. You have to really know who you are and you have to teach yourself to stay grounded. My family definitely makes sure I stay grounded, so when criticism comes, you have to kind of take it, accept it and move on. You have to really be confident and know yourself. If someone says something, you know you have to let it roll off your shoulders and move on. Criticism is like advice, you just have to see if you want to take anything from it or not. Taylor is offering a free download of her new single Don’t Cha to CT readers. Visit www.youtube.com/ taylorbrightofficial to pick it up! More ways to follow Taylor... www.taylorbright.com www.twitter/thetaylorbright www.youtube.com/ taylorbrightofficial www.facebook.com/ taylorbrightpage
Totally useless fact: Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
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BOUNCING BACK! By Kelli McKinney
Getting
Back Into the Game There’s a saying that when you break up with someone, it takes half the time you were together to get over that person. Well, from personal experience, I’ve proven that to be wrong. No one ever said that because you just broke up with your girl/ boyfriend you have to mope around the house like some loser. Take this chance to start your search all over again. Granted, you probably wont find that perfect match on your first night out, but that just gives you time to play the field and see what’s out there.
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The first thing to do is dispose of any evidence from your previous relationship. The meaningless memorabilia will just cause you to think about that person and make things worse. You broke up with this person for a reason, so why would you want to have things lying around that make you think about him or her? You don’t have to throw everything away and act as if the last year of your life never existed, though. That shoebox you just got when you spent $65 on that pair of sneakers you had to have will act as a great storage container that you can hide in the back of your closet. Next, a nice wardrobe makeover can help repair the damages. Go shopping. Sometimes, when you date someone for too long, you get too comfortable. This means you resort to wearing that ugly pair of gray sweat pants and the hoodie from your high school that you just couldn’t stand to part with. Spice up your wardrobe with some new clothes that you can turn around and wear out tonight. After you’ve rid your life of your past and bought for your future, go out. You’re never going to meet someone new if you stay curled up on your couch watching The Kardashians every night. Take those new clothes you bought for a night out on the town. Get some friends together and party like there’s no tomorrow. You no longer have to report to anyone. You can go to the club or party and don’t have to worry about bringing your significant other along.
Flying solo at some of the nightclubs for a while is exactly what you need. Brace yourself, though, because there are plenty of single people out there doing the same thing. When that someone walks up to you and asks you to dance, do it. See and be seen. That’s your goal right now, so take advantage of the single life and hit up all the hot spots in town. Take my advice and don’t tie yourself down right away. The best thing about being single is that you can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. If you end up taking a year or so off from the serious relationship scene, even better. Take that time to find out what you’re really looking for by testing the water. Don’t be worried when you’re bringing home a different person every weekend. Now people will actually consider you a normal college student living the college life. When the time comes that you actually find someone who makes you willing to give up your single life, take it slow. The point of taking time off from serious dating was to make sure that you didn’t rush into anything that would turn out to be the same as before. You know what you’re looking for now, so make sure you throw out some ground rules. Be sure you both know what you’re getting into or else you’re going to wind up stuck in another relationship that’s going nowhere only to end months after it should have. My recommendation to those just-out-of-arelationship loners: don’t be sad about what you’ve lost… be glad about the freedom you now have to do whatever the hell you want. Stop wishing you could’ve made things work and think about all the new possibilities. Being in college is your time to explore all options both academically and socially. So, pick yourself up off the couch and get out there.
Totally useless fact: January 23 is National Pie Day.
stupid legislation
Dumb Florida
Laws
, Florida f, o o r In Florida, a person needs p t eep In Fros k o t e permission to release rim it’s a c hin 300 feet mor it e then 10 balloons swine w e for more s in a u 24-hour period. o of a h . r u o h e than on In West Palm In Destin, Florida, lm Beach, Florida, it’s Pa it’s illegal to ell In West , a id or a crime to hang a Fl baby chickens or , ch Bea l carpet in public. bunnies as pets. it is illega m r fo to per ng. In the State of Flor acrobatic flyi ida, it’s a crime for married couples to engage in lewd or lascivious In Florida, it’s conduct with each other. against the law to trip a horse a, unty, Florid o with a rope. C d r a w o r In B hot l for female a g le il ’s it who nts In Florida, cops nd attenda ta s g o d ep ke gs. bust a still can ear G-strin w o t of only one pint ce. In Panama City, booze as eviden Flor ida, it’s a ce lorida, dan F i, m crim ia e to raise your M In rs are e in a t r e t n voice in a drive-in club e to mingle d e w lo l a res taurant. t no . s r e m o t s u with c ainst rida, it’s ag to In Miami, Flo a dance hall r fo w a l e th indows. have dirty w
Totally useless fact: As the name implies, a giant squid is a mollusk about the size of a school bus.
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GET SOME! By Daniel Sutphin
CruxSkunk
In the spectrum of tablet cases and covers available, the iPad accessories market has become flooded with options. One new option, and a more practical one at that, is CruxCase’s new CruxSKUNK. CruxSKUNK turns your iPad into a compact and useful laptop. The case features a hinge technology that allows the keyboard to rotate 360 degrees for multiple positions, including: typing, movie watching and portability. Its frame is the thinnest keyboard developed for the iPad, which makes it a great solution for during and in between classes! $135 to $310 with delivery to happen in December. www.cruxcase.com www.kickstarter.com
Just Mobile Gum
Despite the many advances of smart phones and USB devices, battery life seems to still be a struggle. Just Mobile Gum is a thumb-sized, aluminum-clad backup battery that has a high-quality battery cell with enough capacity to completely refill an Apple iPhone. Gum can be recharged through a micro USB from a computer, with three green LEDs showing the remaining power. $49.95 www.just-mobile.com 60
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Totally useless fact: A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.
GET SOME!
Korg microKey25 With portability and a good-feeling keyboard, the microKey25 allows you to play and produce anywhere. It provides simultaneous control of multiple parameters, control of the built-in tempo-synced arpeggiator function and features an expressive joystick similar to those on larger controllers. $69.99 www.korg.com
Satechi: Portable Energy Station Lightweight and packing an energy punch, the Satechi 10000 mAH Portable Energy Station is a mobile and compact power supply for all of your mobile devices. The 10000 mAh, 2A battery can charge your iPad, iPhone, or any other USB powered Smart Phone or Tablet while you’re on the go, whether it be long flights in your laptop bag or to a coffee shop in your pocket or purse. The Energy Station also provides two USB outputs to charge multiple devices simultaneously. $49.99 www.satechi.net
FatCat PowerBar 4200 Where device mobility is convenient, charging said devices is often not. Compact and trendy, the PowerBar 4200 can charge any mobile phone, smartphone or iPod device twice and any handheld gaming system up to 2.5 times. The Powerbar’s advanced electronics enable it to recognize the power needs of your device and it also comes in a variety of colors! $69.95 www.fatcatgear.com
microPIANO
Featuring a “natural touch” and and opening lid to lock in that grand piano appearance, the Korg microPIANO is apt for both beginners and serious performers. The 61-key mini-keyboard features 61 sounds, including organs, electronic pianos, an accordion and more. The grand piano sound uses the same stereo samples as Korg’s digital pianos, which create full-bodied tones with depth and character. $299.99 www.korg.com
Dynaflo Protecting your smart phone is always important. The problem is that most
cases are bulky and can make the phone annoying to carry around. Dynaflo’s Liquid-Armor is a Nano coating technology that shines and protects your portable device screen without the bulk. One application of Liquid-Armor with the anti-static and weather – resistant formula will repel dust and stains, and provide a scratch-resistant surface for normal wear and tear for up to six months! $24.99 www.dynaflousa.com Totally useless fact: If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
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CHARTED
STORY OF MY LIFE GIRLS I TALK TO
GIRLS WHO LIKE ME
GIRLS I LIKE
WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY FIND A PAPERCLIP USE IT TO HOLD PAPERS TOGETHER
BEND IT INTO AN “S”, BREAK IT, AND THROW IT AWAY.
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Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
CHARTED
RESPONSES TO THAT REALLY LONG TEXT
WELL-THOUGHT-OUT, LEGITIMATE RESPONSE
“K”
CONTENTS OF FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS EMBARRASSING SECRET FOOTAGE FALLING STUNTS GONE WRONG CUTE BABIES
PUNCH TO THE NUTS
Totally useless fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
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spotted!
BUTTER
Spot The Differences
64
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October 5, 2012
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n, J ennifer Garner, Hugh Jackma y ddr Cor Rob de, Wil ia Oliv
Totally useless fact: A group of rhinos is called a crash.
spotted!
CHECK
LIST
1) pearls from woman’s wrist missing, 2) Guy behind woman is missing, 3) woman's Palette tool is missing, 4) cup in foreground missing, 5) shirts in background different color, 6) Wheel added
Totally useless fact: A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
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HURRICANE EVACUATION PLAN
1. GRAB BEER 2. RUN LIKE HELL
UF’s Largest Scavenger Hunt
162. Find an issue of Playboy in which a UF student appeared.
Raise money for your favorite student organization or favorite charity www.GatorsBleed.org
football traditions!
College By Willhelm
Football
traditions
The leaves are turning and it’s time to grab your jeans and favorite team sweatshirt. That’s right, it’s football season! Another great time of the year where your priorities on the weekend become eating an insurmountable amount of food and kicking back a few before you head into the big game. There are many different ways that fans celebrate their favorite teams and enjoy the rich tradition that football has brought to their university, city, and/or state. While the overall premise is to become excited for your team to grind out their opponent, fight through adversity and find the end-zone to score the winning touchdown, Americans have enjoyed the individual culture of each school and what they represent. Some of these traditions keep the spirit of being a fan alive, so let’s dive into what makes universities across the country so unique in the fall.
IOWA VISITING LOCKER ROOM
MIKE THE TIGER
LSU has some very unique traditions just from their geographic location, but having a live 400-lb tiger on the sidelines for every home game? That’s something you won’t see anywhere else.
In psychology, the color pink calms and diminishes excitement and aggression. Iowa has prided themselves for decades by having painted, literally, everything in the visiting team’s locker room pink. It is there to give Iowa mental competitive advantage over their opponents.
RUNNING WITH THE BUFFALO
WORLD’S LARGEST DRUM
Starting in 1934, Colorado came up with their mascot as the buffaloes. Since then, they’ve had a 1,300-pound bison named ‘Ralphie’ storm the field with the team before each half.
Before home games, Purdue students wheel out this massive drum while cheering for the Boilermakers. It was constructed in 1921 and is a two man station when played.
GATOR CHOMP
There is nothing more infamous in “The Swamp” than “The Gator Chomp”. This has become a staple for Florida fans to intimidate their opponents at home, on top of the fact that Florida has one of the loudest stadiums in the NCAA.
THE 12TH MAN
If there’s any sport that’s big in Texas, you know it’s football. The Texas A&M fans consider themselves the 12th man on the field with the atmosphere they create for opponents.
HAKA DANCE
The Warriors of Hawaii have adopted a very intimidating dance ritual done during home games, called a haka. Before 2006, they had been using one called the “Kapa O Panga”, but the dance was very controversial due to some of the explicit signs made from players. The Warriors then came up with their own haka that NCAA officials would allow, called the “Ha’a”. 68
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BOAT TAILGATING
Consider one of the best tailgates you can go to for college football, and then think about it on water. Washington University’s stadium overlooks Lake Washington, giving local fans a very unique experience to prepare for the big game. Totally useless fact: The game of billiards was popularized in France by Louis XIV.
football traditions
MORE COWBELL
PRECESSION OF THE STUDENTS
Mississippi State fans pride themselves on cowbells that they ring during play to get under their opponents’ skin. Fans had made it so loud it was banned, but eventually repealed the ruling. Now the University has to ask fans to “ring responsibly”.
When Army plays Navy, this is the only game required by all students from each school to attend. The students march in form to their seats, and you will rarely ever see any of them sitting down during the game.
THE GROVE
CHIEF OSCEOLA
This Seminole warrior rides horseback on the field before each game with his spear lit on fire, only to then throw the spear in the ground at midfield. Starting in 1978 after Bobby Bowden became head coach, this tradition has made for a unique experience at the games.
Ole’ Miss has been recognized as holding the best tailgates in the NCAA. The Grove is the place to get together and party before the game starts. Just make sure you can find your way out of the 10-acre hotspot.
TOUCHDOWN JESUS
This mural that covers one end of Notre Dame’s library can be viewed easily from their stadium. It has become known simply as “Touchdown Jesus”, helping the team get into the endzone.
JUMP AROUND
WORLD’S LARGEST COCKTAIL PARTY
This tradition is for the rivalry of Florida vs. Georgia. Held in Jacksonville, Fla., this game has become a huge event for half a million fans, making for a great celebration pre- and post-game.
Totally useless fact: Seven thousand years ago, the ancient Egyptians bowled on alleys not unlike our own.
Wisconsin fans get to “Jump Around” to the song by House of Pain between the third and fourth quarter of every home game. It is said to get so loud that the entire stadium shakes. This tradition is fairly new, however. In 1998, Wisconsin had not scored a touchdown against Purdue after the first three quarters. The song came on, and the Badgers got so pumped up that they came back to win the game.
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Totally useless fact: The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
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Totally useless fact: The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
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Totally useless fact: The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
Totally useless fact: The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
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apply today
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Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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october 2012
Totally useless fact: There are more chickens than people in the world.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
OCTOBER
SUDOKU QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
Totally useless fact: “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
where’s frank?
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
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HAHAHA
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. “Do you do custom work?” she asks the artist. “Why of course!” “Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.” “No problem,” says the artist. “Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.” After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
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“That doesn’t look like them!” she complains loudly. “Oh yes it does,” the artist says indignantly, “and I can prove it.” With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
“Well, what do you think?” the woman asks, spreading her legs. “Do you know who these men are?”
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, “I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”
Some people hear voices.... Some see invisible people.... Others have no imagination whatsoever.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-underthe-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes while everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”
Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!!
Howl-O-Scream
For the unluckiest of anniversaries, Busch Gardens plots a twisted adventure – to bait unsuspecting victims to tread the terror that grows behind the Dark Side of the Gardens’ gate and “Unlock the Fear Inside.” Howl-O-Scream 2012, Busch Gardens 13th rendition of the Halloween event, packs the amusement park’s 335 acres with demented, adult-targeted fun, including new haunted houses, scare zones, live stage shows and the chance to ride adrenaline-fueled coasters in the dark, including the triple-launch coaster, Cheetah Hunt. Ravenous hoards of scheming creatures fill the paths and shadows, led by the Trickster, a maniacal brute plotting to show curious guests the most horrific Howl-O-Scream ever! In his garden looms two new haunted houses, Blood Asylum and Circus of Superstition 3-D, as well five other returning favorites – Ultimate Gamble: CONDEMNED, Nightshade Toy Factory: MUTATION, Nevermore, Zombie Mortuary and Alone… (A personal experience in horror). Amble with caution for there is nowhere safe to hide in the Dark Side of the Gardens. Even the sidewalks are laden with nomadic hordes to keep visitors on their toes, as Busch Gardens brings back 13 years of sinister icons, diabolical characters and disturbing scenes from haunted houses and scare zones of the past. Once visitors have endured the darkened, heartstopping coasters like Cheetah Hunt, SheiKra, Montu, Gwazi and Kumba, they can venture a brief solace at Howl-O-Scream’s show, Fiends. New to this year’s event, Fiends performs nightly at the Desert Grill in Timbuktu. Creatures of the night tempt you with dance fever and keep your pulse pounding with their disturbed dance party. But when Dr. Freakenstein’s naughty nurses start operating, the diagnosis is always “code pink.” To round out this twilight of terror, those still willing to gamble the Gardens’ trails can gander the CLUB XIII for the madness of Howl-O-Scream’s exclusive dance club or snag a souvenir at Howl-O-Scream Shop of Horrors. Howl-O-Scream 2012 runs Thursday through Saturday nights, Sept. 2–29, Oct. 4–6, 11–13, 18–20 and 25–27. Freaky Preview lets devoted fans experience the event a week early on Sept. 21–22. Operating hours are 7:30 p.m. to 1 a.m. during Freaky Preview and on Thursday nights. Friday and Saturday hours are 7:30 p.m. to 2 a.m. • General admission is $79.99 plus tax. • Reduced advance-purchase rates and special offers are available for Busch Gardens pass members at TheDarkSideOfTheGardens.com. • A $35 savings on general admission tickets is available in advance at participating locations. • VIP Packages start at $81. They include event admission, a tour guide and your choice of three levels of terrifying special treatment. • The Front Line Fear pass for $35, which grants no-wait access to seven houses, excluding Alone.
Totally useless fact: The only planet without a ring is earth.
• The Thrills & Chills Weekend Pass lets true Halloween fans face their fears over and over again with a long weekend for $79.99. • Wicked Weekend Vacation Packages include Howl-O-Scream admission for two, plus one-night accommodations at one of Busch Gardens’ preferred partner hotels. starting at $89.
For more information: TheDarkSideOfTheGardens.com or call 1-888-800-5447
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october 2012
YOUNG GIRL, GET INTO MY HEART Before we begin, let’s clarify something. When we say dating an older man, we’re not talking about a freshman shtupping a senior. “MAN” is a title no boy earns until he’s lived on his own, established a career, survived at least one long-term relationship and stopped eating with plastic utensils. So we’re talking an age difference at least wide enough to make the waitress carding you raise her eyebrows. Which can make for awkward moments. But name a dating situation that isn’t awkward at first? And if you can get past those initial knee-jerk “this is weird” feelings, going out with an older man can be a completely worthwhile experience.
The Perks
of Dating
an Older
Man
CONVERSATION
DATING
Let’s not fool ourselves. His initial attraction to you is most likely a physical thing, mixed with a bit of novelty. Barring a few chronic cradle-robbers, most older men are going to be surprised as hell that someone so young, energetic and (let’s just say it) perky is even showing an interest. The good thing is, unlike the boys you’ve been going out with, older men don’t play games. If he likes you, you’ll know it. And if he doesn’t, he won’t jerk you around. He may not shower you with gifts and expensive meals (he’s old, not rich), but over the years he’s discovered his own cadre of places for fun and unique dates which can be a welcome change from the local bar all those boys keep taking you. And hey, don’t be afraid to invite him to a few of the places you like hanging out. If he likes you enough to date you, it means he’s curious about the things that make you tick, too. campus talk
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This can be tricky, especially early on. He remembers when our biggest fear was Russia. Your first experience with Star Wars involved Jar Jar Binks. You’ve never heard of some band he considers integral to rock history. He has no idea how to work his smartphone. Rather than letting these generational differences be dividing points, embrace them with a sense of humor for the amazing conversation starters they are. Provided he’s not a complete douche who belittles the younger generation the two of you may actually find a lot of intellectual and emotional common ground from your separate paradigms. Just be prepared for him to tell you about a thousand twenty-yearold movies that you just have to see. And sure, there are going to be those “oh god” moments, like when he mentions his prom and you realize it was the same year you started Kindergarten. But if you can laugh with it and stick with that age-is-just-anumber mentality, that little moment can actually become charged with electricity as you both realize that despite the much higher number on his driver’s license, you’re both actually into each other.
ROMANCE
For better or worse, he’s been around the block a few times. He’s learned some stuff. With luck he’s been in a relationship with somebody who was patient enough to educate his ass on what works and what doesn’t. He knows how to kiss. He knows how to touch. He knows how to make you feel like the only girl in the world. And when he finally gets you into bed, he has graduated from a college boy’s poking and prodding to a veritable arsenal of field-tested moves and techniques. It’s your job to simply let him know which ones are working. Remember, he’s used to sexing up women. Women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to say it. Now is not the time to lay there silent like a deer in headlights. And yes, being that this guy is getting up in years, the plumbing may not always be perfect, and you may have an evening or two where things just aren’t working for him. Please don’t take it as a personal failing. Just be happy about the fact that when you get up to shower, his bathroom will have soap and shampoo and conditioner as well as clean towels and a distinct lack of mold around the toilet.
Totally useless fact: The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: “Go.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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october 2012
Chattin’ it up Interviewed by Lauren Douglass
You play Owen on your new NBC show, Go On, starring Matthew Perry. What can we expect from it? Go On is a show about Perry’s character as he deals with the loss of his wife. He is forced to go to a support group where he has a lot of healing to do, but isn’t necessarily happy to be there. It’s definitely not your typical sitcom comedy. We have real characters that are dealing with real issues that real people deal with on a regular basis. People will also see that there are things in this show they can apply to their lives. I’m looking for people who can be touched by this, but I also want people to laugh, to be entertained and have a good time. What is Matthew Perry like in real life? He’s great! He’s a really cool guy, a constant professional but also a constant entertainer. He loves anything creative and keeps it light-hearted.
work “Love thewhen because 30 you’ve donescene takes of one been and you’ve 12 for working boils all hours, it do you to down love it?”
On The Go WITH
Tyler James Williams campus talk
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october 2012
What’s it like after you’ve passed hour 14 on the set? Everyone is just kind of in a joke at that point. We just end up cracking on each other and laughing at stupid things. We’re all exhausted and managing to make a television show. So you’re pretty busy right. You just finished Tyler Perry’s We the Peeples, which comes out in March. What was filming like? Yeah, life’s a little crazy right now. I had a fantastic time. I think every project becomes more and more fun for me as I work with people who have really been great at what they do. I got a chance to work with David Allen Grier, who I’ve studied for years on In Living Colour, which is just a huge accomplishment for me. It was such a great learning experience. You still get star stuck then? Yeah. You know, when you see people who have done what you’ve wanted to do for so long and have done it so well, it’s hard not to, even when you’ve been working in the industry for so long.
Did you get to do any improv on Peeples? Oh yeah! There’s a whole big scene and musical number that’s all pretty much improvised. It was kind of just...here’s the framework...have fun. Did Tyler Perry have any advice for you? You know, not really, he pretty much said, “I trust that you guys know what you’re doing. Go for it.” When you look at this cast, it’s people who have worked for a very long time and have had established careers. I think that’s what he wants, as a producer. You want people you can trust when casting. He’s more quiet than people would think. I think most people misunderstand that about people who do comedy. They are more quiet, analytical and just very specific about what they want and what they want changed. By being on Everybody Hates Chris, you’ve kind of grown up on TV. What is it like to be able to watch yourself from years ago? I don’t watch myself from years ago. It’s like an old high-school yearbook but mine’s in syndication. I can’t do it. It’s one of the most uncomfortable things for me. Who have you tried to model your career after? I always like to say that I want to follow my own path, but a big one is Will Smith. He’s the reason why I’m acting in the first place. What are you looking forward to, in your future? I’m looking forward to exploring more of myself through the roles that I take. To seeing what can stretch me, what I can do, what I can’t and what I need to work on. What’s going to help me the most grow as person outside of an actor. Be sure to catch Tyler in Go On on NBC this fall and look out for Tyler Perry’s We The Peeples in March 2013!
Totally useless fact: Pearls melt in vinegar.
SWEET ‘N’ SICKENING! White Chocolate Maggots
Poop Candy
Hose Nose – Candy Snot
Every Flavor Jelly Beans
Don’t be fooled… they’re not several white chocolatecovered raisins smushed together. On the contrary, they’re those pesky buggers that love to feed on rotten produce and animal carcasses. That should clear up your killer case of the munchies in a jiffy.
By Ami Gavarian
10 Grossest
Candies Known To Mankind
For those of you who never broke out of the “picking your boogers and eating them” phase comes this nostalgically nasty candy dispenser that straps onto your face and drips sugary slime that you can catch on your tongue. Pez better watch out!
Earwax Candy Well, this candy’s certainly the pick of the litter. Equipped with a plastic “swab” to scoop with, this hauntingly horrible creation consists of fruit-flavored jelly “earwax” served in a pink “ear.”
Candy Cockroach Clusters Gummy worms are one thing, candy cockroaches are another. While this candy isn’t actually made from real roaches, the concept is nonetheless grossly gag-a-rific. The underbelly and wings are gummy candy while the cockroach’s shell is a hardened candy coating.
With the Freshman 15 and all-you-can-eat buffets as much a part of college as midterms and finals, coeds across the country Fear Factor are clearly prone to satisfying their Candy God bless sweet tooth from time to time. marketing! What But while you’re indulging in a better way to promote Twix bar or some Skittles, your a puke-inducing show than by selling pukeroomie or lab partner may be inducing candy based on inhaling something sweet and its likeness?! Enjoy Slimy Gummy Octopi, Gummy Frog sickening. Check out these 10 Legs and Sheep’s Eye Lollipops, stomach-turning, barf-inducing among many other, um, creative candy concepts. Barf bag candies and you’ll see exactly not included. what we’re talking about…
We shit you not! Each candy-coated piece of crap comes individually wrapped in a baby blue or pink diaper for added effect. It’s a wonder Poop Candy hasn’t teamed up yet with Sour Flush Candy for a monopoly on the bowel-themed treats market.
Thanks to the Harry Potter series, the world can finally enjoy jelly bean flavors ranging from ear wax, rotten egg and grass to soap, dirt and earthworm. On the bright side, they were kind enough to create a bacon-flavored jelly bean amidst other, more vomit-worthy concoctions.
Sour Flush Candy
Think Fun Dip… only you’re dipping your lollipop into a plastic crapper filled with powdered, sour sugar. Hey, if anything, it’ll remind you to clean out your toilet bowl on a regular basis… especially after you vomit all over it from eating this craptastic candy.
Candy Encrusted Real Bugs They look like something you’d stick under a telescope in science class and they probably taste like something you dissected when you were 12. Nevertheless, there’s an apparent market for these hard candycoated critters, like the Cricket Lick-It Lollipops.
Candy Scabs
Not only can you pick your scabs… you can eat ‘em too! Stick the adhesive bandage on your skin then lick and nibble the candy scab off like you would any ol’ cut. Hey, at least girls can’t get mad at you now when you tell them to suck your sweet spot…
Totally useless fact: There are more psychoanalysts per capita in Buenos Aires than any other place in the world.
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october 2012
GET THE POPCORN!
flicks By daniel sutphin
Cloud Atlas WHAT: Drama Mystery, Sci-Fi WHO: Tom Hanks, Halle Berry
and Hugh Grant
WHEN: October 26
This century-spanning piece, helmed by Matrix creators aAndy and Lana Wachowski, explores the connection between the actions and consequences of an individual and how it impacts others throughout the past, present and future as one soul is shaped from killer to hero and a single act of kindness ripples through centuries to inspire a revolution.
Scan the
code the
to see trailer!
Sinister Seven Psychopaths Killing Them Softly WHAT: Crime Thriller WHO: Brad Pitt, Ray Liotta
and Richard Jenkins WHEN: October 19 A low-rent thug, Frankie, is hired by a rival crook to rob a card game run by mob lackey Markie (Liotta). Despite Frankie’s and his partner’s incompetence, they make off with the mob’s money. Markie’s bosses hire Jackie Cogan (Pitt), a professional enforcer, to take care of those responsible. campus talk
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WHAT: Comedy WHO: Colin Farrell, Woody
Harrelson, Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell WHEN: October 12 In this dark comedy, a struggling screenwriter (Farrell) finds himself caught in the shady criminal underworld of Los Angeles when a gangster gives chase to he and his friends (Walken and Rockwell). His friends inadvertently provoked the gangster when they kidnapped his beloved Shih Tzu as a way to make money for a dog kidnapping ‘business’.
WHAT: Crime Horror Thriller WHO: Ethan Hawke, Juliet
Rylance and James Ransone WHEN: October 5 A true-crime novelist moves into a new home to investigate how and why a family was murdered. While storing some boxes in the attic, he discovers a dusty box left over from what he thinks is the previous family. Little did he know that by watching the footage, he would discover the reasons behind the other family’s death, and in doing so put his own family in the path of a supernatural being that was believed to consume the souls of human children.
Argo WHAT: Drama Thriller WHO: Ben Affleck, Bryan Cranston
and John Goodman WHEN: October 1 Six Americans have found shelter at the Canadian Ambassador’s home during the peak of the Iranian revolution. In order to extract those Americans, a CIA ‘exfiltration’ specialist cooks up a plan to have the Americans pose as a Canadian film crew hired to shoot a science fiction film called Argo.
Totally useless fact: A group of whales is called a pod.
rent me! Rock of Ages WHAT: Music/Performing Arts WHO: Russell Brand, Paul
Giamatti, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mary J. Blige, Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise WHEN: October 9 In a celebration of songs from Def Leppard, Foreigner, Journey, Poison, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister, the all-star cast combines to tell the story of two young people chasing their dreams in the big city. Set in 1987 Los Angeles, when Drew and Sherrie meet, it’s love at first sight, but their romance will be challenged when it’s faced with the whirlwind of Rock n’ Roll and potential fame.
Small
Screen Prometheus WHAT: Action Horror Sci-Fi
Safety Not Guaranteed WHAT: Comedy WHO: Aubrey Plaza, Mark Duplass,
Jake Johnson, Karan Soni WHEN: October 30 A disaffected magazine intern (Plaza) volunteers to work on a story with a writer (Johnson) and fellow intern (Soni) exploring the unusual man (Duplass) behind a classified ad who is looking for a partner to accompany him on a trip back through time. After spending time with him, she learns that he might not be as crazy as the ad made him sound.
WHO: Noomi Rapace,
Logan Marshall-Green and Michael Fassbender WHEN: October 9 Aboard the spaceship “Prometheus”, a team of scientists voyage to investigate alien life forms. They discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the universe. The team gets stranded on an alien world where survival is threatened. Amid their struggle, they realize that the horrors before them are not just a threat to themselves, but to all of mankind.
Totally useless fact: A group of geese is called a gaggle.
Margaret Chernobyl Diaries
WHAT: Horror, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Dimitri
Diatchenko, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Devin Kelley, Jesse McCartney WHEN: October 16 Six tourists looking for a more off-the-path adventure, hire an ‘extreme tour’ guide who takes them into the city of Pripyat, a deserted town that used to house the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor, that is until the disaster 25 years ago. A brief exploration leads the group to find themselves abandoned, whereupon they realize that they are not as alone as they think.
WHAT: Drama WHO: Anna Paquin, Matt Damon,
Mark Ruffalo, Jean Reno, Matthew Broderick WHEN: October 9 After inadvertently causing a bus accident where the bus driver (Ruffalo) runs over a pedestrian, remorseful New York high-school student Lisa Cohen (Paquin) lies to the police over the cause and must deal with the guilt of both actions. In doing so, her mood turns to anger, with outbursts directed at her mother. Lisa tries to reach out to the dead woman’s friend, the bus driver and her teacher (Damon), but her efforts only lead to more trouble. campus talk
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october 2012
please officer!
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100… then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
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Totally useless fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got just what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
Totally useless fact: The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
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one liners!
p u k c Pi s e n i L
am I t a h t e e Now I s live, a h c u m y ver has n e v a e h and ght u o r b n e e b to me.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
If I receive d a nickel f or every t Yo u l o o k ime I saw s o m t eone as be autiful c o ld . Wa n a s y o u, I’d as to u se m e five cen have ts. n ket?
a bl a
You’d better direct that bea ut somewhere els y e; you’ll set the carpet on fire .
e v a h I n a C id rections? To where? heart? To your 90
campus talk
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october 2012
Totally useless fact: It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
hahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Three women are sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after soft drinks to tell the difference between them. The first one says, “I’ll name mine 7-up because he’s seven inches and always up.” The second one says, “I’ll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me.” And the third one says, “I’ll name mine Jack Daniels.” The others say “Hey! That’s not a soft drink that’s a hard liquor!” She says, “That’s My Georgie!!”
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. “So what’s going on here?” he asks. The biker replies, “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.” The cop says, “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT.” The biker replies, “That’s what I’m going to do next!”
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and each take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook?” “Well,” replied the pirate, “while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. The punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch?” “A sea gull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
Totally useless fact: Debra Winger did the voice of E.T.
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tru dat yO!
Top 10 By Evan Gerstel
Pimpest
Halloween
Hustlers Of All Time Because we all know these villainous ballers are neck-sucking, costumewearing, ass-slappin’ freaks! 1
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2
3
4
Freddy Krueger: Once he invades your dreams, he can do whatever he wants!
Death: Do whatever it takes to buy a few more years—am I right, ladies and gents?
Purple People Eater: Hey, he definetly knows how to eat. After all, it’s in his name!
Creature from the Black Lagoon: This guy swims all day and doesn’t worry about shrinkage.
The Invisible Man: We’ve all wanted to be this guy at some point in our lives. True dat.
6
7
8
9
10
Pinhead: Painful? On the contrary, this prickly pimp will send a chill down your spine with his good vibrations.
Casper: He can fly through people, which technically means that he can put any part of his body “inside” a chick.
Dracula: You won’t have to worry about periodrelated woes with this creepy fellow. He’s all about the blood-suckin’ fun.
The Mummy: All his bling and servants were buried with him in his lair. Even his coffin was made of gold!
Succubus: She sure does! ;)
campus talk
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october 2012
F
s
ollow your dream
Except for that one where youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re naked at school.
frankypoo By Naomi Piercey By Naomi Piercy
Frank
VS.
Frankenstein
Both are part-man/part-monster, and both make the hair on the back of your neck stand up… so are they really that different?
makes money by Man: Driving a cab and giving (bad) advice. Monster: Doing his (bad) rendition of The Monster Mash at parties.
best known for… Man: Making fun of others and inadvertently killing his passengers though his second-hand smoke. Monster: Praying his lungs didn’t come from a man like Frank. Oh, and scaring the shit out of people.
outlook Man: “Having sex with fat chicks is still having sex.” Monster: “Life’s a bitch. My head is square.”
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campus talk
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october 2012
favorite halloween
Man: The one where he pissed off some 5-year olds, because he told them their costumes sucked and then watched four hours of porn in the cab. Monster: Any Halloween – he wins all the costume contests (he used to dress up, but people kept telling him he’d make a great Frankenstein).
favorite foods Man: 6-Packs (of Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos and Bud Light). Monster: Human brains… we think.
distinguishing characteristics Man: Cap, cigar, mustache and a strong, foul odor. Monster: Green, ghoulish skin, protruding bolts and a strong, foul odor.
Totally useless fact: Koala is Aboriginal for “no drink.”
Twisted Thursday
4-pack as low as
$24
99 .
per person with online advance purchase
Buy early online and save at TheDarkSideOfTheGardens.com or call 1-888-800-544 7.
Valid for 4 or more admissions on Thursdays only (September 27, October 4 and 25 at $24.99, October 11 and 18 at $29.99). Thursday four-pack walk-up admission price is $39.99. Howl-O-Scream is a separate-ticketed night event. Savings based on advance purchase. Prices per person, plus tax. Some restrictions apply. Event dates and times are subject to change or cancellation without notice. Parking is not included. No costumes allowed. Š 2012 SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.