www.mycampus talk .com MAY 2013
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD
P58
READING
09 Exploring College Life 10 Saving on Essential
Expenses in College 12 Kandyse McClure’s Thrilling New Series 14 Weightless Workout P18 16 The Ultimate Wing Girl: Marni Kinrys 18 How 2 Define Your Summer 29 Getting Your Perfect Shape 42 The Living Dead Trend 46 Bore Me to Sleep 55 Kindergarten: Failure is Definitely an Option 61 Bogus Logos P84
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P09
P90
P46
P12
70 Getting Back into the Game 81 John-Paul Flintoff
Changes the World 82 How to Keep You’re Stuff Safe 84 Max Burkholder 92 8 Things You Should Never Do at a Guy’s Place
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR
P14
ENTERTAINMENT 20 15 Tips for Boozing
P66
22 Nice Ways to Say
Someone is Dumb 23 Rejected State Slogans 30 Pick Your Lines 31 Cookies of Fortune? P55 32 The Man Test: More Than Just Flexing Muscles 41 Scheckism 47 Signs You’re in a Bad Relationship 48 Real American Badasses 49 Junk Mail 52 Music Reviews P42 54 Sore Thumbs 58 Gadgets 66 Summer Beauty Guide 68 Summer Fashion 86 Flicks 90 CT Survival Tip: Poisonous Snake Bites 94 Uninsperational
P82
P92 P10
P54
Totally useless fact: Mike Nesmith’s (the guitarist of The Monkeys) mom invented White Out.
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7
WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER With another semester in the bag, it’s nice to breathe the fresh relief often associated with summer. While some students will be traveling abroad, returning home to visit family or hitting the beach, others will be strung to another semester of work and classes. As with fall and spring semesters, balance is everything. Believe it or not, there are ways to enjoy the summer and still be responsible in your college obligations.
This month, CT explores the popularity of zombie-themed content and its correlation with the outlook of American society with Clemson professor Sarah Juliet Lauro. Learn some ways to change the world with John-Paul Flintoff, as he discusses his new book. Get financially savvy with some tips for saving money on common college expenses and don’t forget to check out our latest reviews, jokes, candids and much more.
With this in mind, we’ve sat down for a chat with “Hemlock Grove” actress and former “Galactica” star, Kandyse McClure, as well as a talk with NBC’s “Parenthood” actor, Max Burkholder, on his new movie, “The Purge.” We’ve added some personal tales from other students and encourage all of you to share some of your recent higher learning woes and successes with us for future issues.
So strap in and remember to make the most of your summer. It’s going to be a scorcher!
Daniel Sutphin
Editor-IN-CHIEF
Lauren Douglass
CONTENT EDITOR
LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY
art director
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Graphic Design
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staff writers
Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK
Contributing Writers
Marc Douglass kelly herman Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN Kelly Herman
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: The buzz from an electric razor in America plays in the key of B flat; Key of G in England.
THE BIG TIME by Kelly Herman
Exploring College Life Nearly everyone and their mom is going to college nowadays, but even though we’re all treading the same water, we often end up with very different experiences. Since there are new options for where and how you get your degree, there are tons of interesting stories out there that can help us relate to the college experience in general. We’ve talked with a few students from different backgrounds, and here are their stories.
Toughest Experiences: Learning how to study. I know it sounds weird, but I honestly didn’t have to study in high school, so I had some weird habits that I had to toss. I really had to learn how to prioritize and time manage! That’s been the hardest thing even up to now, trying to balance work and fun. – S.C.
Most Unique Experiences: Taking six years to graduate. It wasn’t because I was lazy or a bad student; it was the time at war. I knew that if I earned my degree, though, I would get promoted to lieutenant and have a great new job. It was the light at the end of the tunnel that I needed to finish school. – G.R.
Holding out for a better school. I started out at a local college, and it was tempting to stay in my comfort zone close to my family and graduate quickly since the classes were easy. It was knowing that I deserved better that pushed me to transfer schools. – L.K.
Studying abroad two times. From people I’ve talked to, studing abroad seems like a cool thing to think about distantly, but you really have to make plans when you first start school. Because of my program, I wouldn’t have been able to study abroad once I started courses for my major, so I started planning my course load and meeting with college advisors my first semester. It was definitely worth it! – J.C.
Battling depression. Thankfully, one of my professors noticed and intervened. With the help of my friends and the resources here, I was able to overcome it, but I don’t think the story would have ended the same if I had not attended a private college where class sizes are small enough that students can get individual attention. – S.M.
Being able to completely be whoever I wanted. Going to an out-of-state school, I knew absolutely no one, and unlike most of my peers I didn’t have family or friends or anyone I knew within a hundred mile radius. It was a refreshing way to start being who I really wanted to be and make something of myself. – E.G.
Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Most Surprising Experiences: Joining Greek life. I remember making fun of people who talked about rushing when they went off to school, and I looked at it as “buying” friends. When I got to school, I realized that most of the people I looked up to my freshman year were Greek and the most involved on campus. Getting to know all of my sisters personally and making memories with them has been so rewarding, and having them to turn to when I went through a break up was also a big help to me. – S.M. How anti-social the dorm life was. It must vary dorm-to-dorm, but my freshman hall didn’t have the sense of community I was expecting. There were also a lot of people who came from the same hometown and roomed together, which didn’t help with trying to get to know new people. – J.C. Not knowing what I want to do. Because my parents never went to college, they think that graduating means I know where I’m going. I’m just as shocked as they are because I thought I would have my life figured out by the time I graduated, too. It turns out that I don’t know exactly where I’ll go from here, and I’m trying to be okay with that. My parents still don’t know what they want to do “when they grow up” and they are still living happy lives without a college degree. – K.H.
Share some of your college experiences with us. Email kelly.herman@whpinc.com campus talk
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9
MOre Money, less Moths
Saving By Allyn Hebner, Head of Finance at Solavei
on Essential Expenses
in College Common expenditures, even for essentials, can become overwhelming, especially on a college-student budget. To help shave meaningful dollars off your spending, the money-saving experts at Solavei have put together simple tips for reducing common bills. Every dollar counts for college students on a tight budget. Hidden fees, unnecessary features, unwillingness to shop around and surprise fees can add significant dollars to essential expenses. Reducing output can be simple if you know the right steps to take. The tips below will help consolidate and reduce recurring expenses, freeing up cash for savings or, more likely, the experiences that make college years more memorable.
Credit cards
In dire financial straights during college, students can be tempted to turn to credit cards. If used responsibly and not seen as free money, credit cards can be an excellent way to build a credit score for young people. The most important practices to remember with credit cards are paying on time and paying more than the minimum balance. Rewards cards can have appealing incentives for spending, but only use those cards if you pay your balance in full each month to avoid accruing high interest charges. Once you’ve established a good payment history with your credit card issuer, ask for an interest rate reduction. Companies like to keep quality cardholders, so they will be receptive to lowering your interest rate and saving you money. 10
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Phone plan
We all need to have a phone – they are the lifelines in our connected world today. Most people have already dropped landline phones to save money, but we are all still calling, texting and using data on wireless phones. Traditional mobile phone plans typically lock you into a contract for two years and charge exorbitant monthly rates, often with surprise overage charges. To decrease monthly phone expenses, consider a pre-paid, contract-free plan such as Solavei. For $49 per month, Solavei Mobile Service offers unlimited calling, texting and data, as well as the opportunity to earn monthly recurring income by sharing your Solavei experience with family and friends through Solavei’s social sharing outreach platform.
Book purchases
Books are one of the most essential, and often most expensive, purchases of the semester. Many students head straight to the school bookstore, spending an unnecessary fortune. In order to increase your savings, check out the web’s famed discount sites including Amazon, Chegg, Half.com and eBay. These sites allow for both purchase and rent. After the semester’s over, you can also sell your books back on these sites, earning income to pay for the upcoming year’s books.
Extracurricular activities
When looking to spend a few dollars on food, clothes or entertainment, search no further than that student ID you have hidden in your wallet. Restaurants and retail stores often reward college students with discounts just for attending school. Plus, many universities have predetermined deals with establishments in the community that allow you to use your student ID for various purchases.
Cable bill
Television might not be a basic human need, but it’s definitely a basic entertainment need. Cable and satellite TV bills can get extremely high, especially after introductory prices expire. Premium television alternatives like Hulu Plus, Netflix and Amazon Instant Video charge as little as $7.99 per month and offer movies and television from most networks. Using Roku, a Wi-Fi enabled Blu-Ray player, or almost any gaming console; these videos services can be streamed directly to your TV. Small changes that may seem insignificant can add up to thicken your wallet. Without a great shock to your lifestyle, adjusting spending and living habits will save you hard-earned cash and free up disposable income for the more enjoyable activities that make up college life.
Totally useless fact: Conception occurs most in the month of December.
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A New Experience
Kandyse McClure’s Thrilling New Series
“Galactica” Star Kandyse McClure has joined the cast of “Hemlock Grove,” a new Netflix thriller series, out now, that’s sure to keep you on the edge of your seat. McClure joins me to discuss what shocking twists we can expect from the show, her childhood in South Africa and how her history has helped her blossom into the actress she is today.
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Totally useless fact: The name of all continents in the world end with the same letter that they start with.
A New Experience
What can viewers expect from Hemlock Grove? It’s a new cinematic experience. It’s a psychological thriller, murder mystery, horror epic. It’s set in a sleepy town run by the very powerful Godfrey family, where a mysterious murder of a young girl takes place. The town thinks a wild animal did it, so they bring in my character – a predator ethologist named Dr. Chausseur – to help law enforcement hunt the animal down. We approach the material as though the audience is already well-versed in this genre. I think there’s something for everyone on this show: the murder mystery aspect, coming of age stories, conflicts between parents and children, love and lust. I think that pretty much covers it, right? [Laughs]. What is it like working with Famke Janssen? I find Famke incredibly talented and such a curious person. I think she really found a way to embody Olivia Godfrey. Godfrey is definitely the kind of character who moves the air around her when she walks into a room, and Famke also has that quality. She also has this funny, playful, light-hearted side, and it was great to see that and to work with it in the moment. Sometimes she’s a bit mesmerizing in the scene, and you have to remember to stay present and what to say [laughing], because you can sort of get lost, particularly with her dialogue and her character. You sort of get lost in the watching of it, so it was an amazing experience. You were born in South Africa and moved away as a child. What was that like? I was 11 when I moved. I didn’t want to leave at first. Yes, I lived under apartheid. You know, the funny thing about living under apartheid is that you don’t have any point of reference, so you don’t actually know. You don’t actually think of anything differently because that’s the environment you’ve grown up in. I knew there were places I couldn’t go, buses I couldn’t ride on, schools I wasn’t allowed into,
and we didn’t go out after dark. And yet, things like locking doors and being behind gates were just a part of my life. I miss my family and my friends, especially because I come from a very family-oriented culture. I found North American culture to be lonely in many ways, and I actually went back to South Africa when I was 13 because I just needed to be home, and as a teenager I needed to be with my friends. What are some of the things you enjoy doing there that you can’t do here? A lot of the things I like doing have to do with the people and the culture. Visiting others and being around others all the time is part of the culture. You drop in on people, chat with their moms, have tea and cake, visit your aunties; people are always dropping in to visit each other. You sit out on the back porch when the sun is going down and you just talk. Also, the beach is warm! [Laughs]. The water is always warm at the beach because South Africa doesn’t really have seasons. There’s just a dry season and a wet season, so the weather is always pretty great. Is there a principle that you try to live by throughout your career? Absolutely: Get it done and then get it right. It’s just something my mother always told me. The best way to begin is to begin. Accept failure as part of your growth. The more you fail, the more opportunity you have to learn. Always be open to learning. I never think that I know it all or that I’m the best I can be; I can always be better, I can always work harder, and I can always try different things. Also, put your personal values first. This industry is crazy and at the end of the day, you have to be you. That’s part of why I love going back to South Africa; I can go back and my friends and family recognize me as the same person I was before I was on TV. That means a lot to me.
Totally useless fact: There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Be sure to catch Kandyse McClure and Hemlock Grove on Netflix now!
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TIME TO GET PUMPED! By Kevin Kage (Pearson)
Weightless Workout Have you ever felt anxiety when leaving town for a week and not having a fitness facility to train at? Some people don’t have a gym because they can’t afford one. Others get kicked out because they broke gym policy. Whatever the reason may be for not going to the gym, there is a Plan B. No, it’s not a contraceptive pill, although you may need it after the results you get from your success with these body morphing body weight exercises. Most people do four exercises when they do calisthenics or bodyweight exercise movements. These four are push-ups, situps, squats and pull-ups. There are multiple variations of these motions that can strengthen different areas of surrounding muscle tissue. The following exercises do not involve any gym equipment (except maybe pull-ups) and can be done almost anywhere. Plyometrics are the rapid and repetitive lengthening and contracting of muscle in order to increase explosive strength, speed and power. This is done as quickly as possible.
Push-ups
So most pushups are done with both hands on level ground. Bring the chest down to the ground and back up so both arms are locked and straight. Try clapping push-ups. This is a form of plyometrics. Push off the ground hard enough to clap the hands together while in the air. Another easy change is to get off level ground. Prop your feet on something 2–3 feet higher or prop your hands 2–3 feet higher and feel different parts of the chest and shoulders contract. Try Spider-Man push-ups. This is done by pulling your knee into the same side’s elbow while chest is on the way down to ground. Don’t forget to alternate knees with every rep.
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There are side-to-side push-ups involving moving the hand placement to the left or right between each rep while maintaining push-up position. Prop one hand a foot higher than the other and work pushups on just one side of the body. The elevated hand will be the side that gets most of the burn. Just be symmetrical and do the other side, too. Doing diamond push-ups, by using a narrow grip with hands making a diamond shape, will target the triceps more than the chest. On the contrary, a wider hand placement will almost isolate the pectorals. With only a few reps you will notice the chest reach the failing point much sooner than the triceps. To really hit the shoulders, try positioning the glutes very high so that the push-up is more of a downward angle. A much more difficult shoulder maneuver will be the handstand push-up. This is performed upside down against a wall (for balance). Flip upside down against a wall with hands about one foot away from wall and feet resting against wall. Then, slowly lower your head down to the floor and push back up to locked-elbows position. That is one rep. Now repeat nine more times! This is primarily shoulders and triceps, but the core will get some training, too.
Squats
A basic air squat is performed standing upright and lowering the butt so it is parallel or lower to the ground – 90 degrees or lower. An easy way to judge the distance is to hold your hands together in a praying position and then drop down until your elbows meet your knees at the bottom. Keep your lower back flat and butt towards the wall. Your weight should be on your heels and not the balls of your feet or toes. For plyometric training, try jump squats. Keep the same form as that of a regular squat but jump in the air so your feet elevate about a foot off the ground. As you land, squat down. Repeat this in sets of 10 or more to utilize the plyometric training theory. Frog jumps are similar to jumping squats but with a forward momentum. Plant both feet next to each other and take one giant leap forward. Lunges serve as a great exercise for hamstrings and glutes. A basic lunge involves taking a large step forward while planting the heel into the ground and lowering the back leg’s knee. The front leg should bend about 90 degrees in this motion. Remember to keep the heel flat on ground. If the heal rises then the stride or step should be greater. To complete the lunge, continue driving forward and repeat with the other leg. Lunges target more of the hamstrings and glutes.
Totally useless fact: Hot water is heavier than cold.
TIME TO GET PUMPED! Stationary lunges require one to lunge in one spot instead of continuing the forward drive. Plyometric lunges are done like the stationary version, but with a jump in the middle. Over the years, I have heard multiple names for this including split squat, split jump, jump lunge and more. Whatever the name, the same muscles are getting worked. Perform the lunge fast enough to bring both legs off the ground at the top of the rep and alternate the forward leg on each rep. Step-ups are easy outside of a gym because any structure or object can almost always be used. Pick a bench off a sidewalk and step one leg up at a time and alternate between each step so both legs get worked. Grab something around the house like a backpack and use it for weight. If climbing stairs, skip a step for a larger range of motion; this targets more of the glutes.
Abdominals
Instead of doing a sit-up – with your hands behind your head and contracting up so that your elbows meet your knees for a full rep – try doing v-ups. V-ups require you to start completely flat with your arms laid straight above your head. Bring both of your hands and feet straight up in the air until they meet in the middle. You glutes will remain on floor while your body will resemble the letter “V”. Flutter kicks are another different maneuver where your legs are straight and your feet are about 6–12 inches above ground level. Once at that level, move your legs up and down in an alternating motion. This should be performed at intervals between 30 seconds and one minute to get the best results. If you are able to safely hang from a structure, then try knee-to-elbows. Hang with an overhand grip, hands shoulder width apart, and flex your lats while raising your knees until they meet the elbows. Legs do not need to be straight during this exercise.
Total body
Burpees reign in as the ultimate for push-ups and squats. They serve as a great cardio and total-body workout if a high number of reps are performed during a short period of time. A burpee begins by standing in position, then dropping down to do a push-up. After the push-up, jump back to your feet and spring off the ground so that your feet get at least six inches off ground level. The last step is to clap both hands together over your head. Do this in as short of time as possible and repeat multiple times for a great total body burn and metabolic conditioning.
The strict pull-up requires arms to be locked out at the bottom. The exercise is then performed as you pull up until your chin is over the bar. Military personnel mandate the strict form when conducting physical tests on soldiers.
Most of these exercises are just variations of movements that people already know. They require no expensive equipment and a gym membership is not necessary. I once drove 1,300 miles and did 50 push-ups, 50 squats, and 50 sit-ups at every gas station I stopped at. Create your own routine using multiple exercises explained above by choosing high-rep ranges for body parts you have deficiencies in. Most men want the machochest muscles, so a plan with emphasis on lots of push-ups would be ideal. Just remember, friends don’t let friends skip leg day.
Kipping pull-ups use less pulling muscles and more hip strength to complete the pull up. Imagine swinging your body and using the momentum to reach the top of the bar. The kipping method allows for more explosive pull-ups and a higher rep ranges. It is often labeled as cheat pull-ups and criticized by bodybuilders; however, CrossFit enthusiasts claim it is more functional because you are using more muscles to accomplish the goal in the easiest and most efficient manner.
Kevin Kage is a certified personal trainer and General Manager of F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He is sponsored by BroActiveWear and Complete Nutrition. For more of Kevin Kage, see YouTube channel KevinKageMMA and visit F2Arena.com.
Pull-ups
A pull-up bar is not the only method of doing these. A tree branch, an overhead beam used in a structure and even the steps going to second floor of an apartment complex have the potential to be used as a hanging device. There are two types of pull-ups most people are informed of. A basic overhand grip called a pull-up and the underhand grip called a chin-up. The pull-up works more of the back muscles and the chin-up incorporates more bicep contraction. Wide grip isolates more lats (latimus dorsi/back muscles). Narrow grip tends to use more bicep strength.
Totally useless fact: CBS’ “60 Minutes” is the only TV show without a theme song/music.
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the best a man can get! Interview by Sarah G. Mason
The Ultimate
Wing Girl Marni Kinrys
How did you get into the matchmaking business? I actually started by accident. I was at a singles mixer with my best friend who had just been through a recent breakup. Now, this mixer wasn’t much of a mixer at all; the guys were all on one side of the room and the girls were on the other. I literally began grabbing men and pulling them over to my friend, coaching them along the way, telling them, “Say this, do that, tuck in your shirt, don’t slouch.” I gave them instructions and became their wing girl. It was so much fun. That same night, I put an ad on craigslist as a matchmaker. I had 70 responses by the next morning. After that, I just started pitching myself out to media. In the first few weeks, I was on hold for Jimmy Kimmel, we were in the Times, we were on K-Rock, all because this concept of a “wing girl” had never been heard before. Over time my wing girl service slowly transformed. We were one of the first to move men away from tricks and manipulation. I taught men how to have a strong character and how to not be a pushover, and how not to take advantage of women. I love my job, and I love helping thousands of men all over the world. What is the biggest mistake a guy makes when he meets a girl? The biggest mistake I see is when a guy doesn’t go after what he wants. He doesn’t approach. To give you an example, I was in Italy last week sitting outside a restaurant when two girls came to check out the menu. Right after, three men came walking down the street. Now, I’ve always believed that Italian men are masters with women. I was so pumped to see these real, live Italian-stallions in action, thinking I should take notes so I can teach my guys about how they act. The guys notice the girls, it’s clear they’re interested, one guy even walks over to them and sits beside them at a table, he smiles awkwardly, and then – nothing. 16
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Gillette’s spokesperson and dating expert talks with me about the best way to meet your next date. Photos of Gillette’s K.I.S.S. Spring Break Tour
So guys get nervous and don’t make a move? Why is that? Men think there’s something perfect to say. They think that there’s some perfect sentence that they can just spit out that will instantly get a woman to fall in love with them. It doesn’t exist! Do you think even the most typical “nice guy” can be turned into a guy a woman wants? Absolutely. I deal with this on a daily basis. Men need to stop putting women on pedestals. They need to stop saying, “I’ve known myself for 35 years, but you’re cute so I’m going to respect you more.” Men need to realize that they have to respect themselves first. After that, they should get to know a women who deserves to be respected and admired. Later on in the relationship, if you put her on a pedestal then that’s wonderful, but you can’t lose respect for yourself in the process. What tips do you have for guys looking their best this spring? Well, I always say one of the best things you can do is have a nice, clean-shaven face. If you want to have some stubble to first attract women, great. Afterwards, go shave your face; it will make you way-way-way more kissable. I was involved in something called the Kiss and Tell promotion; I was really interested in the results of their study, which involved traveling to different cities to learn whether women like a clean-shaven face or one with stubble. Since then, I’ve started to look at my husband differently when he’s shaven versus unshaven. When he’s shaven, I find him more kissable – I can kiss him without walking around with a big rash on my face, which is embarrassing and very uncomfortable!
Would you say there’s one must-have product for spring? Yes, the Gillette Fusion ProGlide SilverTouch. It’s the No. 1, dermatologist recommended razor for guys who have sensitive skin. It gives you that comfort so you can shave every day, and it’s designed so that you don’t get those bumps. Why is it so great for sensitive skin? Well, it has five low-cutting-force blades with thinner, finer edges and this advanced low resistance coating that lets the blades cut the hair without pulling or tugging on it. At the top there’s a large Lubrastrip infused with mineral oils and lubricated so that the razor goes smoothly over the skin, and a Microcomb that guides hair to the blade. Also, the space between the blades makes a difference; it lets the blades adjust to the contours of every guy’s face. What advice would you give guys so they can get the most out of this spring? Have fun! Let go of everything else, and really focus on having a good time, exploring and experimenting. Say yes to everything and try to get out of your house. The worst that could happen is to step out of your house and be a part of the world that’s around you. Is there any other message you have for the readers? I work with a lot of men who are in college, and even some in high school, and my biggest message is this: don’t assume that you’re a mind reader. If you see a girl across the way and think she’s busy, or she has a boyfriend, or whatever, just remember you can’t read her mind so don’t try to. Really own who you are and make decisions from your point of view. If you want to approach her, approach her. Let her be the one to tell you she’s busy or she has a boyfriend, but never assume.
Totally useless fact: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
Grab your FREE copy next month!
FUN IN THE SUN
How 2 Define Your Summer By Mike Stanley
Summer: the season between spring and autumn, in the Northern Hemisphere from the summer solstice to the autumnal equinox, and in the Southern Hemisphere from the winter solstice to the vernal equinox. Although this was the first definition of summer found at dictionary. com, my personal favorite is its fifth definition – the period of finest development, perfection or beauty previous to any decline.
Summer spent in a college town can indeed serve as a period of the finest development. It’s a time when traffic lanes are clear and pedestrians are sparse; a time when running a few errands doesn’t become an all-day activity of inching through traffic jams and maneuvering through traveling scooter gangs. It’s a period of time where restaurants are clear of waits and places like Publix and Wal-Mart are devoid of inexcusably long lines. Recreational fields are readily accessible, allowing you and your summer vigilantes to get a solid workout and a tan at the same time. For these few months, a college town can feel like a home again, and not a congested tourist attraction. Even if you are stuck juggling work schedules and summer classes, this new environment is sure to impress, as well as fulfill your apparent lack of summer vacation. Weekend adventures will feel almost strange at times – “standing room only” signs will be removed from bar windows and hour-long waits for venue access will be reduced to minutes, if any. More importantly, the parking lot rat race experienced during regular semesters will be nonexistent, making PARKING AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE. 18
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But with these new-found freedoms, as in most summers, boredom can still set in. Should that be the case, it’s good to have a stock of activities for entertainment outside of your few responsibilities. In Gainesville, FL, a mere walk outdoors can occupy much of your free time. Hawthorne trail For casual bicyclists, check out the Hawthorne trail. It’s an old railway that’s been paved over, stretching from Gainesville all the way to Hawthorne. Bring plenty of water and something to snack on, because it’s a 32-mile round trip, and Gainesville, with its uninviting summer humidity, will run you ragged. The sights you see on the way make it a high priority for outdoorsy types. You get to cycle past many creeks, see an abundance of wildlife and experience many different trails off of the main pathway. The Rock trail For the off-roaders or mountain-biking enthusiasts, try The Rock trail on Newberry Road across from NW 107 Street. It’s a 4.8-mile-long trail through the woods with 928 feet of elevation change through, at points, handlebar-wide paths. This winding trail in the forest will leave you wanting to do a second lap. Also stashed along the trail is a strobe drop for those experienced enough to
handle it. The strobe drop is a wooden dock that drops off about 4 feet into a 60 degree slope that then shoots you back out into the handlebar wide trails – helmets are a must. Northside Park & Jonesville Park If two wheels aren’t your thing, try disc golfing. Once you get your form down, you’re likely to become obsessed. There’s nothing like the feeling of a frisbee disc zipping away from your hands towards the metal chains 200 yards away. There are two challenging 18 hole courses in Gainesville, one at the corner of 441 and NW 34 Street in Northside Park, and another off of Highway 241 in Jonesville Park. If you choose Jonesville Park, make sure you have comfortable shoes and pants; the brush can be overwhelming in some places. There is also a 9-hole practice course located near Buchholz High School at the end of NW 27 Avenue. The practice course is usually empty as well, which for hesitant, formbuilding discers can be helpful. For a college town, summer, by final definition, is the time to finally act on many of those “one of these days” activities scribbled on your college bucket list. For Gainesville, summer is the time to experience nature and its beauty, previous to any decline, or in this case, the looming influx of fall semester students.
Totally useless fact: ‘Obsession’ is the most popular boat name.
charted
why people use free trials
americas funniest home videos
to use it for free
someone getting hit in the nuts
stunt gone wrong
secret filming of something embarrassing
Falling baby doing something cute
to try out the prodcut
what people do when they find a paperclip turn it into an S then break it and throw it away
when you tell your friend their breath stinks they get embarrassed
they breathe in your face more
they smell their breath in their hand
use it to hold paper together
Totally useless fact: On average, Americans’ favorite smell is banana.
they chew a piece of gum they go brush
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I remember when I had my first beer. In the wake of a recent study showing that Alachua County residents drink excessively more than twice the national average, we’ve decided to offer some tips for those boozing it up around town.
15 By Mike Capshaw
Tips for
Boozing
If you find yourself in one of the southern states and a large percentage of patrons are wearing belt buckles as big as their heads, be extra sure the girl you’re making eye contact with is not taken. Her cousin, aka her “man,” is already looking for any excuse to get into a fight. If you do get into a fight, avoid calling the cousin a “redneck” because it will offend everyone in the bar – and they’re all cousins.
Never make eye contact with the bartender, unless you are going to order a drink. To get his/ her attention, simply smile when they look your way. No need to yell or give the bartender a shout out. They know you are there. And if they’re slammed, don’t “be that guy” by ordering a complicated drink.
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If you’re drinking a beer or even a basic cocktail, do not upgrade your drink if someone offers to buy you one.
If you are a man, avoid girly drinks – at least in public – unless lifelong ridicule is something you desire Nancy boy. Not sure what constitutes a girly drink? Here’s a hint: Men don’t drink from straws (an exception is a “Mind Eraser”).
No money for a tip? Then don’t go to a bar or club. Hit the liquor store instead you cheap drunk. Tips are the only thing that makes putting up with your drunk butt worth it for bartenders and wait staff. The general rule is to toast before doing a round of shots. The person who bought the shots gets the first crack at saying the toast.
Never, ever tell the bartender they mixed your drink too weak. Simply order a double the next time and they’ll get the hint.
If you buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. Even if she accepts, she still may not like you. It’s still okay to buy a stranger a drink, just don’t be a schmuck and buy all of her drinks.
If you spend more than half of the week in the bar, you may have a problem. If more than 50 percent of those trips to the bar or club are by yourself, you may have a serious problem. Knowing this, the closer you hold the drink to your mouth between sips is a sure sign of how much of an alcoholic you are.
If you bring Natty Light to a party and there’s a ton of imported stuff in the fridge, you have to drink yours or give it all away before tapping into the good stuff. Another rule for bringing booze to a party, what you don’t drink you leave behind.
If you owe someone money, pay it back to them in a bar – preferably during happy hour. If it’s less than $20, the money owed can be paid in drinks.
Don’t drink a drive, especially if you are an elected official. That .08 BAC isn’t too difficult to reach and you could kill someone, so be smart by calling a cab or a friend for a ride home.
If you can hear yourself beginning to slur, stop talking. You’ve been slurring your speech for at least an hour already and the people around you are already rolling their eyes behind your back.
Do not fall in love with anyone from the club scene. This relationship has a high rate of failure no matter how hard you two try to work it out. Of course, one-night stands that turn into two- or three-week trysts are okay. If they weren’t, then no one would go to bars.
Never ask a bartender what’s on tap when the row of bar handles are right in front of you. Know your order and say it within three seconds of being asked. Also, if it’s a busy night, don’t stand or lean on the bar. Move so others can get their drinks. Totally useless fact: Lawn darts are illegal in Canada.
hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
I went into the jewelers the other day to buy a new watch and the assistant said to me, “Analogue.” “No, the watch on its own is fine thank you,” I replied.
Why is it that although most married men tend to live longer than men who are single, they are much more willing not to?
I read a brilliant book recently titled, “The History of Superglue.” Once I had read it, the words stuck in my mind for ages.
Notice board outside the eye hospital: If you are not able to read this then come in and get your eyes checked.
A man on a TV quiz show was asked to name an Indian leader who had the title Mahatma and the second name started with the letter G. “Geronimo,” he replied.
Man: Did you save my son from getting drowned? Lifeguard: Yes sir. Man: There was a one-dollar bill in his pocket. Where is it? A man goes into his local electrical store and asks, “Is there anyone who can sell me a food processor?” The male assistant replied,“Kenwood.” I said, “Okay, go and get him then”.
Two snowmen are in a field. The first snowman says to the second, “Strange isn’t it. But yes, I can smell carrots as well.”
Totally useless fact: Between 2 and 3 jockeys are killed each year in horse racing.
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2 + 2 = DERP!
You’re proof tha t Artificial Good morning, Couldn’t pour A few In t elligence is pref erable Mr. President. water out of clowns t o N a t u ral Stupidity. Skylight leaks a little short of a a boot with s An experiment Warning: circu instructions in Artificial O b s je r cts in mirror a ee A few bof a re on the heel Stupidity d u mber than short k six-pac
Raised the IQ of an entire state by leaving it
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools As smar t as bait
Not the sharpest knife in
His ante nna He’s kind of like an Ir d o e s n ish ’t pick Setter – big, handsom u p e, all the and noble looking, bu t channels. not a lot upstairs. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
Nice ways to Say Someone Receiver is off the hook is Dumb Too much yardage
Several nuts short of a Surfing in full pouch
Nebraska
they appear.
the drawer
Proof that If brains were dynamite, evolution you would be hard CAN go in pressed to blow your reverse nose.
Everyone appreciates honesty (at least to some level); however, there are times in social situations when it doesn’t hurt to sugarcoat the truth, especially when the person with whom you are speaking is a complete dolt. So in lieu of such scenarios, here are some nice ways to call someone stupid.
between the goal
posts.
Missing a few b uttons on his remote contro l Her sewing
She is an intelligent If he had another brain, machine’s out ’t blond. Gold Elevator doesn it would be lonely. en R to e t y a r e w iv e ers are a of thread. go all th lso g B o dy by Fi s h the top floor ood with children. er, Do you still b r a i n s th by M at t e l ink iambic The cheese slid off O n e n e pe u nt ron amater is an his cracker. s
hor t of a All foam, olympic event? ll sy napse no beer A few peas Doesn’t have a
his cornflakes in one box
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short of a The wheel is spinning but casser ole. the hamster’s dead.
A few crayons short of a box
Totally useless fact: There are more psychoanalysts per capita in Buenos Aires than any other place in the world.
STATE-MENT OF TRUTH!
Rejected
State slogans are so boring and bland. Just wait ‘til you see these ones that almost made the cut, though. They’re so funny, you’ll slap your mama! (Thanks for that one, Kentucky!)
New Jersey
Alabama
Hawaii
“At least we’re not Mississippi‌â€?
“Come get lei-ed!�
Texas
Arkansas
Illinois
“Litterassey ain’t everything!�
“You might get gunned down in a mob shootout‌ but you’ll love the deep dish!â€?
State
Slogans Florida
“Basically New York’s mole!�
New York “For the last freakin’ time‌ we have NOTHING to do with New Jersey!â€?
Tennessee “The edukashun state!â€? “OK, so maybe we screwed up with that one‌â€?
Washington, D.C. “Where even a crackhead can be mayor!�
“Early bird special ‘til noon!�
Kentucky
Georgia
“Five million people, 15 last names!�
Wyoming
Mississippi
“Where men are lonely and sheep are scared!�
“Live like a redneck in a cosmopolitan area!�
“Come feel better about your own state!�
WE DELIVER! PITAPIT2GO.COM DELIVERY FEE s NO HIDDEN FEES MUST BE PLACED ONLINE AT PITAPIT GO COM
CAMPUS
1702 W University Ave 352.692.4400
Totally useless fact: Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
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MAY
play with yourself
GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: 5,840 people with pillow related injuries checked into U.S. emergency rooms in 1992.
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rs are answe page 79 on
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play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
maze
kids
Wishing well
bridge hands
C RYP
WORD FUN
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Totally useless fact: The average woman consumes 6 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime.
MAY
you sooooo cheated
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones.
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!
Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
May 3, 10, 17, 24: Free Friday Concert Series at Bo Diddley Community Plaza May 18: Kanapaha Botanical Gardens Moonlight Walk May 25: An Afternoon with Ponce De Leon Alachua County Library Headquarters May - June 22: The Quest For The Fountain of Youth exhibit at the Thomas Center May - August 11: Titanoboa: Monster Snake at the Florida Museum of Natural History May - November 10: All the World’s a Frame exhibit at the Harn Museum of Art
Summer is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between exhibits, concerts and floating in refreshing springs and rivers, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
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www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida
@ Gainesville
Totally useless fact: Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
what’s That on your face?
Getting Your
Perfect Shape There’s always talk about what’s best for you, whether it be the best clothing style or the best hairstyle. Something that you don’t hear too often is how your brows frame your face in the same way your hair does, so we caught up with brow expert Hibba Kapil. She gave us these tips on how to find the perfect brow shape for your face. If you have a round face… Your brows should have more of an angular than round arch. A more angled brow will help to better frame the face, and give the illusion of less fullness, by counteracting the roundess of your face. Having a thinner brow will not make your face look thinner. A medium to full thickness in the brow will create more balance with your face. If you have a heart-shaped face… A brow shape that is more rounded will help soften an angular, heart-shaped face. A very slight bend in the brows also draws the eye upward, which counteracts the downward pull of the more pointed shape of your chin. If you have a square face… Like the heart-shape, you want your brows to have a delicate arch to help add softness to the face. The ideal shape will be straight to the arch and rounded on the outer half. If you have an oval face… Your brow options are basically limitless if you have an oval shaped face. Hibba would suggest a medium to full thickness and a more prominent arch. Totally useless fact: In the Philippine jungle, the yo-yo was first used as a weapon.
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“HOW YOU DOIN’?”
future r u o Whenever I’m near you, I undergo anaerobic l l e t I y r o The st ment will respiration, because you take my breath away. o m s thi t u o b a kids (big bang theory) it… r o f it a w n e g be le ) I think we just our mother (how i met y entered – THE like u o y d l u o W Is that a sonic screwdriver DANGER ZONE! ewhere in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
to go som and do stuff and things?
(archer)
(Doctor Who)
(the walking dead
)
Even if you were blind, I bet you’d still be cookin ’.
Pick your
(downton abbey)
Yes I am a hunter, and it’s you season.
Lines
(parks and recreation
Think you know your TV shows? Test your knowledge with these pink-up lines based off of your favorite moments in recent TV history. And let us know how it goes when you try these out tomorrow night. *wink wink*
I’m not trying to hit on you. I’m selling you a product , and that product is me. (mad men)
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)
I’m in the DEA and I’m totally DT F. (breaking
bad)
o t r e f e r p u Do yo y m a e r D c M be called ? y m a e St c M r o (grey’s anato
my)
Totally useless fact: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Quality, student-centric health care, right in the middle of campus. CALL FIRST to be seen:
(352) 392-1161
Get in. Get out. Get on with your life!
TIDD Vn FEV t GBDFCPPL DPN VGTIDD t UXJUUFS DPN VGTIDD FOLLOW @ufshcc
FIND & LIKE UF Student Health
VISIT & EXPLORE shcc.ufl.edu
how manly are you?
MAN UP! n Test: The MMorae Than Just
s e l c s u M g n i x e Fl
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Totally useless fact: In space, astronauts are unable to cry, because there is no gravity and the tears won’t flow.
how manly are you?
In our modern, technological society, it’s not uncommon for an adult male to have, um, “overlooked,” and/or “missed out,” on many of the common skills associated with traditional “manliness.” Author Robert Dodenhoff breaks down many of those skills in an ultimate test of manhood. Never mind sports stats and useless action movie facts, in “The Man Test,” Dodenhoff challenges your knowledge with real categories that make a man, from finance and negotiation to etiquette and domestic skills.
You can find this test and more when you pick up “The Man Test” at Amazon.com for $12.99.
Totally useless fact: The world record for spitting a watermelon seed is 65 feet 4 inches.
Answer Key:
A. Do not use the caller’s name before he identifies himself. B. Immediately let him know you know who’s calling.
1) C. 26 percent A survey by AT&T also revealed this about texters: • 40 percent of people in a relationship believe that texting plays a major role • About one-third would feel more comfortable to get a text prior to their first date • One-quarter have updated friends and relatives during their blind dates • 6 percent have broken up with a text message!
2 percent 6 percent 11 percent 21 percent 28 percent
8) A call is coming into your phone, and the caller ID identifies the person. What is the proper etiquette when greeting the caller?
A. B. C. D. E.
A. Never B. Only with close friends C. Only after you ask permission
2) False. This is usually only appropriate when someone leaves a message requesting that you call back. If you call someone back based solely on his caller ID, you might sound stupid, or worse, yet – desperate (not the impression you want with a girl!)
4) What percentage of driving accidents involves talking on a cell phone and/or texting?
7) When is it appropriate to use a speakerphone?
3) C. 9:00 a.m., 9:30 p.m.
2) (True/False) You got a call from a number you didn’t recognize and no message was left on your voice mail. It’s okay to call the person back.
A. 7:00 a.m., 9:00 p.m. B. 8:00 a.m., 10:00 p.m. C. 9:00 a.m., 9:30 p.m.
6) (True/False) It’s appropriate to use a cell phone in a social environment as long as the call is business-related.
4) E. 28 percent Every year 1.4 million car crashes involve cell phones, and 200,000 are caused by texting.
A. 0 percent – texting is too impersonal and tends to ruin any chance for a date B. 7 percent C. 26 percent D. 79 percent E. 91 percent
3) According to conventional etiquette, what are the earliest and latest times that it’s appropriate to call someone?
A. You call back B. The person who called you
5) B. The person who called you
1) What percentage of people agreed they’d be more likely to accept a first date if they were “texted” first?
— Tom Clancy, Author
5) A friend calls you, but you get disconnected during the call. Who should call back? You, or the person who placed the call?
6) False Using a cell phone in a social environment has become almost akin to sneezing without covering your face! If you have to use the phone, excuse yourself and find a more suitable location.
“There was a time when nails were high-tech. There was a time when people had to be told how to use a telephone. Technology is just a tool. People use tools to improve their lives.”
7) C. Only after you ask permission
Telephone and Tex ting
8) A. Do not use the caller’s name before he identifies himself. If the caller is a close friend, then you can let him know right away that you know who is calling.
The Man Test:
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UNFORTUNEATE!
? E UN T OR .. F F AY. O S SS Nothing puts that button on some E I MSG-laced, coma-rendering Chinese OK UCIU O takeout, like the ever-informative, words C NF of “wisdom” found in a fortune cookie. O C The following are some of those cookies’ hidden gems (as well as a little commentary for further enjoyment)!
Accept s om nd you will feething that you cannot change, a el better. (W ow thanks. You sound like m y academic advisor.)
A feather bird in thien the hand is better than a ai feathers…r. (If life gives you wait what?)
An ag take on rteheable romance might begin to ea I hope they’prpearance. (…of what? e not ugly. Eeek.)
An inch o n f I see a con time is an inch of gold. (Ca version chart for this?)
Carve yo marble. (T ur name on your heart and not on hat so but I guess unds a little dangerous, it’s worth a shot!)
Could I ge (It’s a goot some directions to your heart? d hair d on by a for ay when you get hit tune cookie.)
Carve y marble. (Tour name on your heart and not on hat so but I guess i unds a little dangerous, t’s worth a shot!)
Curiosit curiosity. y kills boredom. Nothing can kill (And curiosity so it kills cats too?? Dang unds like a vam pire.)
What’s h empty boxidden in an ? (idk wut???)
Don’ be in thteajtust think, act! (My fate is to er? So m e math classuch for all thos es…)
Totally useless fact: The crack of a whip is actually a tiny sonic boom, since the tip breaks the sound barrier.
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Totally useless fact: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
damned you siri
Totally useless fact: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bil
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may 2013
39
charted
breakdown of avatar costs
why i don’t have a girlfriend I’m a level 80 paladin
CGI rendering (~$310 Million)
i’m shy around girls, but great once I get to know them
i can’t afford to buy her nice things, but am willing to put in time and effort
i don’t Hang out with the popular crowd but have fun, close friends
plot/script (~$150)
story of my life girls I talk to
i’m only average looking, but have a fun personality
reasons for using internet explorer downloading mozilla
testing new anti-virusprogram
girls i like
girls who like me
40
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downloading opera
surfing on the internet
Totally useless fact: There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
one line wisdom!
Scheck-isms by john scheck
Keep your friends close but keep your enemies close to an open window on the 10th floor.
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida
Totally useless fact: The world’s record for keeping a Lifesaver in the mouth with the hole intact is 7 hrs 10 min.
@ Gainesville
campus talk
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41
boo! What is it like at the zombie walks? Is there a sense of community in it? How are they organized? Zombie walks are totally varied. Some events, which I prefer to designate by the term “zombie mobs” are more spontaneous, tend to be organized in a short amount of time – via online social media – and are more overtly critical of society, such as a zombie flash mob in San Francisco that invaded an Apple Store. Many zombie walks, since the phenomena became more widespread, now have corporate sponsorship or support charity causes (which to my mind, undermines their revolutionary message); these are organized annually and act as bolsters to local business. In short, zombie walks are as different as their organizers and their organizers’ objectives.
By Daniel Sutphin
THE LIVING
DEAD TREND Zombie Walk vs. Zombie Mobs … and
More About Zombies and Culture Only a heavy case of agoraphobia or life on a deserted island would constitute one not knowing the current obsession popular culture has developed for zombies. Where a general consensus would probably claim AMC’s “Walking Dead” as the driving force behind this craze, there have been a slew of films, shows and other forms of the formerly cult-driven genre that empower its current position amid the upper echelon of mainstream entertainment. Most recently, Amazon Studios turned the 2009 comedy-horror film, “Zombieland” into a series to be streamed through Amazon Instant Video. This summer Brad Pitt stars in the Hollywood adaptation of Max Brooks’ novel “World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War.” With the current craze so abundant in our culture, it’s easy to forget that zombie-oriented material is not a new concept. Director George Romero built a lifetime career off of zombie flicks, and in doing so, created many of the staples associated with the form.
Although it may be a fantasy-based concept, the so-called “Zombie Apocalypse” has become more of a “reality” in recent years than it ever has in the past. An example of such is the growing trend of zombie walks and zombie mobs. Clemson professor and zombie extraordinaire Sarah Juliet Lauro not only participates in these zombiebased community events but also is proficient in the study of zombie popularity and its correlation with cultural dissatisfaction. 42
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What made you decide to study zombies while working on your doctorate? I think that it really all started when I was working on a Masters’ degree at NYU, before I went to UC Davis to do my PhD in English. I was doing research on Frankenstein, and reading about one literary critic’s theory that the book was a reflection of Mary Shelley’s own tortured relationship with her reproductive body – she had many children that died, she had miscarriages, etc., and maybe she had the feeling that she couldn’t, herself, bring something to life without disastrous consequences. There was something about the way that a figure of monstrosity, and here, of living death, could stand as a metaphor for something completely different that just captivated me. Within a year at UC Davis, I had pretty much settled on the zombie as my topic for my doctoral dissertation. What was the correlation that you found with the popularity of zombies and society? Well, I really don’t want to overstate this, because there are a lot of dots that have to be connected in order to make the point convincingly, but the cliff-notes version is that the zombie is a myth that comes from Africa, and that, I believe,
always retains the traces of the early myth, when it was an obvious allegory for slavery, about a person whose soul had been captured, or who was under the control of a witchdoctor. It is also important to note that the zombie first comes to American consciousness around the time of the Great Depression, in the 1930s. There have been many others who have suggested a correlation between a weak economy, our sense of our own enslavement and our gravitation towards the zombie myth. My research into the first wave of zombie mob and zombie walk organizers, however, seems to bear this out, as these events first rose to prominence during the Iraq war. Therefore, I would say that, more broadly than just a poor economy, people feel attracted to the zombie myth when they themselves feel disempowered in some way: be it economically, politically, socially, culturally … Did this trend just come to you, or was it something that revealed itself amid your research? No, this correlation didn’t just come to me, though, when you think about it, it seems pretty obvious: zombies are the walking dead. So, we become interested in corpses at times when we feel socially dead. But this is definitely a theory that developed as I was looking long-term at trends in zombie cinema and patterns in other zombie narratives across the whole of the 20th century. What were some of the other times in the past when this correlation was evident? Well, historically, George Romero’s films have been linked to both the Cold War and the Vietnam War, and a period overtly critical of the Capitalist system and of the violence that had been waged in the name of protecting that system. But I think it is also important to think beyond the U.S. I spoke with an Italian film historian, who noted that Lucio Fulci’s zombie films of the 1980s came to prominence during what he says was “an advanced state of decomposition” for Italy.
Totally useless fact: There are 1,575 steps from the ground floor to the top of the Empire State building.
boo!
Lauro is pictured here as the zombie in the black leather jacket. Photos from “Zombies in Condoland” by artist Jillian Mcdonald.
In times of cultural dissatisfaction and economic upheaval, why do you think it’s zombies that people turn to? I think that there is a kind of cultural collective unconscious that is attracted to this figure, whether or not individuals know of the zombie’s deep historical associations with transatlantic slavery, merely because a vacant-eyed living corpse is so obviously a figure of disempowerment at the same time that it is a force to be reckoned with. Why specifically zombies, couldn’t this correlation be attributed to any fantasy-like theme? Or even, just the constant escapism that is television/movies? I think this is about more than escapism. I think, on the one hand, the figure of the living dead allows us to exorcise some of the guilt we feel for being a part of a capitalist system that abuses others and that privileges consumerism over anything else;
on the other hand, our use of the zombie myth risks seeming like a further abuse of power, when we take possession of the myth, which that came to the U.S. directly from Haiti just after an imperialist occupation of the nation, without being cognizant of all of the complications of such a metaphoric conquest. Do you think this same turn to such themes could apply to the recent vampire/ werewolf craze? I think that all monsters are deeply important because in looking at a culture’s bogeymen, you see what its members are most afraid of becoming. To me the zombie is special because it comes from Africa and reveals the way our whole cultural heritage is indebted to Africa and the transatlantic slave trade, often without our knowing it. But I am sure that those who study vampires and lycanthropes (werewolves) will have equally important claims to stake. (No pun intended.)
Sarah Juliet Lauro is the co-author of “A Zombie Manifesto: The Nonhuman Condition in the Era of Advanced Capitalism” (Boundary 2, 35:1, Spring 2008,) co-editor of Better Off Dead: The Evolution of the Zombie as Posthuman (New York: Fordham UP 2011), and completed her dissertation, an intellectual history of the zombie myth, at the University of California at Davis (2011). She also works more broadly on technology, embodiment, media, and celebrity. She teaches film and literature as a visiting assistant professor in the English department of Clemson University.
Totally useless fact: Honey is the only food which does not spoil.
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43
CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2013
Plus-Sized Clothing Stores
I
n recognition of your misguided sympathy in giving the slow-moving patrons of our fast-food society the illusion that they are not actually obese and unhealthy. What normally might be listed as an XXL in men’s clothing, or a 16 in women’s, you’ve chosen to list as a “medium”, or an overly-generous “6” – just enough of a confidence boost to remove their swollen sense of shame, motivating them to strike out on the rest of society, strutting their “stuff” in a sense of such delusion that even Honey Boo Boo would be jealous. You have successfully helped in greasing the already slippery slope that is the American peoples’ decline into heart disease, and in lowering the already Honey-Boo-Boo-low standards for who deserves to be praised and worshiped. Give yourself a pat on the back... if your sausagey arms will allow. presented by signed date
PLEASE TELL SOMEONE ELSE, ANYONE ELSE
Bore Me by john scheck
to Sleep Before you tell me about your bizarre dream, let me just stop you to say that I’ve heard this one before. How you get into a taxi but the driver is a chimpanzee. He tries to rip you off by going through town hitting all the traffic lights instead of taking the expressway. When you point this out to him, he goes ballistic and showers you with a Colt 45 he has between his legs (you suspected he was drunk from the start) and screams at you in Russian. So he throws you out of the cab in front of a shabby X-rated movie house where your parents are waiting in line, along with your kindergarten teacher, who is wearing only a fishing vest and sensible shoes – not an unflattering ensemble if the truth be told.
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(Based on a true story)
I could go on but I think you get the point: all dreams are stupid and bizarre and no one since Freud wants to hear about yours. Graham Greene supposedly kept a dream journal for much of his life. I bet that is the biggest piece of garbage in the history of fiction after 50 Shades of Grey (because I read about 20 pages I feel I am somewhat of an authority on that horrible book). If you start recounting your dream I will have to invoke my XXXII Amendment rights, which say I can dump a bucket of steaming offal on your head.
First of all, nobody does normal stuff in dreams. They don’t just wake up, brush their teeth, have a cup of coffee, and go to work. Secondly, no one has ever had a dream that was interesting to another person. Never. Ever. You won’t be the first, I promise. Even if you have huge boobs and a winning smile I may pass out from boredom during your story and hit my head on a coffee table and die. Do you want that on your conscience?
Totally useless fact: The three most recognized Western names in China are Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, & Elvis Presley.
RUNNING FOR THE HILLS!
WARNING Signs You’re In A Bad Relationship
rainbows and roses, Romance… For some, it’s really all about the n under the covers. but for others, it’s the reason you stay hidde into a possessive, In today’s world, that someone special will turn ords and stalk passw your steal will who o psych iven attention-dr that of course) ienced exper I’ve that (not your Facebook account… thought was your What happens when that charming hottie you you bargained for? soul mate turns out to be a little more than relationship: bad a in for out look to s thing Here are a few
you with If s/he presents time xy se handcuffs for u up when yo t le t n’ but does ed. ish fin you are um…
She quits her job because there’s just no point in work experience when her life’s ambition is to be a stay-at-home mom.
Your mom calls you Every morning ay to keep w wondering what this ly n o hickeys on yo those e Th g in ur neck are call big announcement is beginning to them from erally look like t li o that you have to make. t is yo u o u y had an outb phone hives the nigh reak of flush your ilet. t before. o t down the ting up a e b r e They as il aft they just k nd in ja se to give your profess They la hbor, becau trying to o you eas ig s e a a n ier test rs nd then nd w ving them. your ie r s f b t r a e a h a e know t sh you into l that friend computer be k your cause y a l spend t ou brainw ey could tel o h . away fr o much time And… t hots for you o m them st udying. had the nth On your three mo If you or someone you know is facing ask anniversary, they ions, one of these potentially annoying lig re t er nv co habits, please get help immediately. you to it’ll Call 1-888-AHIT-MAN! On second because they know wn do ms le ob thought… that might be too pr t presen aggressive. Just dump them and run! the road.
Totally useless fact: Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
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CRACKED.COM
Real American Badasses (WHO Also Happened to be Presidents)
The history books have taught us many things about our American Presidents and the many accomplishments and failures that defined their presidency and their legacy. Cracked.com’s “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News” details quite a different From the most-read outlook on four of our presidents – the four most badass presidents of all time! humor site on the Internet, Andrew Jackson When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was running. If you’re wondering how a guy we’re calling a badass got such a lame nickname, it’s because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you’re wondering why he did that, it’s because he was a freaking lunatic. Former Democratic senator and secretary of the treasury Albert Galltin feared a Jackson presidency because of the man’s “habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provision.” In other words, the guy was a loose cannon – 19th-century Washington’s answer to Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson’s character in “Lethal Weapon” for those of you born in the 90s). Sure, he probably didn’t have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit (still referencing “Lethal Weapon”), but he most certainly had a death wish. How do we know? Despite everyone’s best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn’t busy shaping the presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven’t been to the 19th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on which source you consult: Some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the hundreds, either of which is entirely too many times for a reasonable human 48
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being to stand in front of someone who is trying to kill them with a loaded gun. On one occasion, Jackson challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel (the reason behind it wasn’t important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson even politely volunteered to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceed to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that is why his face isn’t on the $20 bill. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson’s body for 19 years because he knew that time spent removing the bullets would fall under the category of “time not dueling” – Jackson’s least favorite category. Looking back on his life spent murdering people for little to no reason, Jackson reflected, “I have only two regrets: I didn’t shoot Henry Clay and I didn’t hang John C. Calhoun.” Calhoun, it should be noted, was Jackson’s vice president. Greatest displays of badassery: Andrew Jackson was the first president against whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols, both of which , for some reason, misfired. Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence nearly to death with his cane until aides pulled him off. The guns were inspected afterward, and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying “miracle” that Jackson survived. But we’re pretty sure the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson. Look for the next Presidential Badass in next month’s Campus Talk!
Cracked.com, “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News,” a comedy trivia book, features 20 articles that had previously appeared on the website and 18 that are new to the book. The book includes chapters like “The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List,” and “Five Conspiracies that Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government.” Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in: • A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50 percent of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain. • The FDA wouldn’t let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt. • Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you. • The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD. • Think you’re going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
Totally useless fact: 3.9% of all women do not wear underwear.
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Totally useless fact: Babies are born without kneecaps. They donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
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RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
#1 Brothers and sist er none but this ma s I have n is my father’s so ’s father n. Who is the man?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
Why can’t a man be living in the USA ? buried in Canada
1) The man is my son. 2) Nothing. 3) A coffin. 4) She was walking. 5) Why should a living man be buried?
#2
d, than Go r e t a e gr il, What is the dev n a h t l i more ev have it, r o o p e th it, h need ? the ric u’ll die o y , it t ou ea and if y
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#3
no need of it. Who makes it, has no use for it. Who buys it, has either see nor Who uses it can n feel it. What is it?
#4
A girl who was
just learning down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but d idn’t break the law. How come? to drive went
Totally useless fact: In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
My wife went to our local ice cream parlor recently and asked for a vanilla ice cream. “Hundreds and thousands?” asked the assistant. “No,” said my wife, “just one will suffice thanks.”
I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that I had eaten a 12-pound marshmallow. When I awoke this morning, my pillow was gone.
The police arrested my two kids the other day for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks. One of them was charged and the other they let off.
Son of a powerful politician was boasting in a party: Do you know who my father is? Another guy: Shame on you. You are a grown man and still you don’t know who your father is.
I went into my local coffee shop the other day and asked the waitress, “Is the milk fresh?” “Put it like this,” she said, “it was grass less than two hours ago.”
Totally useless fact: If you went out into space, you would explode before you suffocated because there’s no air pressure.
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Music Reviews
By Daniel Sutphin
Tune In Turn On Plug In
Depeche Mode Delta Machine Holding strong with their unique blend of dark electronic and blues that made the band famous, Depeche Mode’s new album picks up where they left off with their 2005 album, “Playing the Angel.” The album title reinforces this sound – “delta” being a home to a style of blues and “machine” representing their electronic influences. Where some bands strive for evolution, Depeche Mode keeps to their core. Some things should remain just as they are, and the Mode is just that. Despite an oversuse of the word “soul” and “angel,” the album is sonically moving and the vocals are catchy and poignant to the sound. This can be heard best on tracks, “Heaven,” “The Child Inside” and “Should Be Higher.” 52
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The Strokes Comedown Machine “Comedown Machine” is a far cry from their debut album, “Is This It”, but a fun, upbeat album nonetheless. The guitars, their layers and textures, all click perfectly along in time, sounding much the synth-pop style consistent throughout their “Room on Fire” LP. The most apparent change in the sound, however, is singer Julian Casablancas’s break from his almost ne’er–do–well approach to vocals on previous albums, using a great deal of falsettos and other backing vocals to fill them out. Early Strokes fans may have some issue with some of the tracks. Although each track is consistent with their sound, they do bring in a various amount of styles, such as a funkier influence on the vocals for “Tap Out,” or the dreamy pop sound of “80s Comedown Machine.” Standouts include the previously mentioned “Tap Out,”“Trigger,”“Slow Animals” and “Partners in Crime.”
Walk of the Earth R.E.V.O An indie band with reggae influences, Walk of the Earth blends vocals and harmonies reminiscent of Amy Winehouse (complete with lo-fi effects and slight distortion) with a mix of ukuleles, guitars, keys and upbeat drums. Altogether a soothing listen, but the album feels like a collection of songs, as opposed to a cohesive album. Still it would make a good soundtrack for an afternoon on a porch or a day at the beach. Standouts include “Shine,” “Backslider” and a cover of Gotye’s “Somebody I Used to Know.”
Tyler, the Creator Wolf On his third album, Tyler, the Creator maintains his shtick as a repeat offender against all things considered politically incorrect. Often passable as shock value, Tyler raps without filter, which sadly takes away from the album’s actual merits, such as his production on “48” and subject matter on “Answer” and “Pig.” The producer, rapper and comedic actor is a solid lyricist, rhythmically and lyrically, despite relying heavily on the word F***, which is obviously a regular trend in rap music. The album would be better if it was shorter. After the first six or seven tracks, it begins to drag on and the ears grow weary of his overall approach and outlook. There are some decent tracks in the latter end of the album, but by the time you get to them, it’s hard to really care. Other standouts include “Jamba,” “Rusty” and “Ifhy” featuring Pharrell Williams.
Totally useless fact: Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Metro: Last Light Xbox 360 PC PS3 Wii U May 14 This first-person shooter drops players into the year, 2034, to wander the catacombs beneath a post-apocalyptic Moscow. Mutants stalk the tunnels of the Metro and hunt amid the poisonous skies above. Instead of standing together, the station-cities of the Metro struggle for ultimate power, a doomsday device from the D6 military vaults. As a life-threatening civil war brews, main character Artyom must fight through his burdens of guilt, for only he holds the key to mankind’s survival. 54
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Fuse PS3 Xbox 360 May 28 This four-person co-op action shooter puts players in command of contact team Overstrike 9 – four elite agents, each with their own unique skills and experimental weapons. The mission: to thwart a rogue paramilitary organization called Raven from stealing the deadly alien energy source called Fuse. The story driven, co-op also allows solo players to experience each agent’s attributes by using the LEAP feature to switch between the four characters during combat.
Grid 2 PC Xbox 360 PS3 May 28 Grid 2 brings players into a new world of competitive motorsport. Following the release of Race Driver: Grid, Grid 2 will stay true to the series’ core value – it’s all about the race. Grid 2 will feature the new TrueFeel Handling System, using real physics to hit a sweet spot between accessibility and simulation to deliver handling that is challenging, but achievable. Players can choose from a handpicked selection of automotive gems that span four decades and three continents – USA, Europe and Asia. The raceways feature intricately designed city streets, licensed circuits and edge-of-control mountain roads.
Remember Me PS3 June 4 It’s 2084 and in Neo-Paris, big business has finally tapped into a new global force – big surveillance. In effort to explore a new market, innovators have launched an assault on people’s memories. All thoughts and memories have now gone digital, being bought, sold and traded by the authorities. You play as Nilin, formerly a great thief of memories, and you’ve been robbed of your own by the mental realm authorities. Although you’ve escaped jail, your amnesia still imprisons you. You must relearn your past skills and steal back your identity or fall prey to the creators and their surveillance.
Fast & Furious: Showdown PS3 X-Box 360 Wii U May 21 Players team up with the Fast & Furious crew to take out a dangerous international gang. On a globespanning journey, players travel to eight locations full of heists, hijackings and destruction as they work to defeat the gang through high-stakes driving missions with a friend or computer AI. Players can design a dream vehicle with the game’s customizable layout of cars.
Totally useless fact: Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
THE WORLD NEEDS STUPID PEPOLE, TOO by john scheck
Kindergarten:
Failure is Definitely an Option Mrs. G. recalls it as “the darkest year of my life.” She cried all the time. She had trouble speaking in complete sentences. She lost 15 pounds. One of her friends remembers fearing that the stylish blond mother of two, and owner of both an Upper East Side apartment and a Long Island beachfront home, was suicidal. A child stricken with cancer? The collapse of her husband’s business? The death of a beloved parent? Menopause? No, the darkest year of Mrs. G.’s life came the year her son was rejected from kindergarten. Kay S. Hymowitz, City Journal
It’s time to start looking for a school for your little overachiever. Not to point out the obvious, but you really should have started the search a lot earlier. You screwed around with things like nurturing and now there are only two years before kindergarten. Most responsible parents these days begin filling out applications to competitive schools once they get a sonogram, or evenas soon as the paper turns blue on the pregnancy test. For truly forward-thinking parents, life begins with the pre-conception bottle of champagne. The finer beverage shops now have pre-school registration forms at the counter next to the condoms. It isn’t overstating the case to say that you may have destroyed any chance whatsoever for your child to have a meaningful life at least in the way that is defined in your neurotic social circle. If your kid doesn’t get into the right kindergarten, you may as well send them to a lunch lady training academy. And forget about a public school. If that’s your plan you should consider changing your baby’s name from Wilson to Spartacus. If after all of your considerable efforts you only manage to get your child into a second-tier kindergarten, there is no need to panic. All you have to do is put that child up for adoption, learn from this mistake and start over with another baby. If you have become too “attached” to this child to relinquish it, you may consider keeping it on
as an employee in some domestic capacity, say as a maid or gardener. Let’s be honest with one another, even though your second choice of kindergarten costs $35,000 a year plus supplies, the only thing your child will be fit for in life will be manual labor, politics, crime or teacher at a highly-exclusive pre-school academy. If this whole process seems too daunting, too much of a crap shoot, there is another option available to would-be parents. Instead of the traditional process of having a child of your own, scratching and clawing to get junior into a succession of ever more expensive schools – which may or may not culminate in producing an offspring you would be proud to call your own – then there is a new service available to qualified parents (i.e. wealthy). At My Kid Is Better than Yours Adoption Agency you can choose from an array of accomplished adults. You can pick and choose among the adoptees who are licensed professionals from leading universities, or even professional athletes (all of our candidates have at least a .350 average, and that’s in the American League!). Shouting out “My son, the doctor” to no one in particular has never been easier. At a cost of only $500,000, the My Kid Is Better than Yours adoption process will save you a fortune over raising your own captain of industry or World Series ring-holder from scratch. The price may seem a bit high but,
Totally useless fact: In Vermont, the ratio of cows to people is 10:1
by skipping their actual childhood, you’ll save at least that much by not having to buy hundreds of little metal cars. The bond between you and your adopted kid will be so authentic that your adult child won’t want anything to do with you, just like in traditional families. A lot of you are probably thinking about the possibility that your hyper-successful progeny could turn out to be a complete criminal, and by that you mean convicted. It’s hard to believe but many extremely successful people in our society don’t rate very high as human beings. For those parents who wish to eliminate any possibility of risk regarding their offspring we offer a new service. When you choose Only the Good Die Young Adoption Agency there are no surprises. Our creative writing staff will painstakingly fabricate the perfect child for you, working backwards from the tearful New York Times obituary, to a remarkable career, to a childhood that filled you with pride and the neighbors with envy. Everyone knows that the tragic demise of a promising youth trumps any other parent’s boring story about their little go-getter urchin. Imagine having a child who doesn’t drag your good name through the mud with a sex scandal or drug issues. Can you put a price tag on that sort of peace of mind? We have. And if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Or perhaps your kid may actually flourish in public school? campus talk
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GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!
Blazer Velocity Laptop Sleeve
A good laptop sleeve should protect your laptop, drop easily into another bag, and carry some essentials like a phone or a charging cord. A truly great laptop sleeve also has a slip pocket for some paperwork and a removable shoulder strap for a longer haul. The blazer is durable, with water-resistant fabric and high-density foam to protect your digital investment. STMbags.com $40
BooqPad Agenda for iPad mini
Combines an iPad mini case and notepad into one product, making it the ideal solution to create, store, review or present the next hot idea. The BooqPad Agenda holds a tablet, notepad, pen/stylus, cards, and other small items in one place. Available at BooqBags.com and Amazon.com $39.95
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Maryanne Velocity Tote A fashionable tote to protect and carry your laptop, tablet and everyday necessities. Features adjustable tote handles, an organization compartment, and a quick grab pocket for phone, keys, etc. Designed to carry most 13-inch laptops. STMbags.com $85
Bluetune solo by Divoom
Play music virtually anywhere through this portable, high-fidelity audio system using Bluetooth connectivity. Features X-Bass sound system that has the patented PO-Bass Technology to provide a deep bass in a compact package. The rechargeable battery lasts up to eight hours. Compatible with any smartphone that uses Bluetooth connectivity, you can use the Bluetune virtually anywhere. DivoomUSA.com $49.99
Totally useless fact: Porcupines can float in water.
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!
X-Doria Engage Form RP for Iphone 5 Inspired by the ripples formed by dropping a pebble into still water, Engage Form RP is an understated, fashionable addition to your iPhone 5. Strong polycarbonate is formed into radiating, contoured circles that wrap your iPhone in impact resistant protection. Contrasting glossy rings catch the light and stand out against the matte body for an added level of interest. $29.95 shop.x-doria.com
MirrorCase
A new case for iPhone and iPad lets you hold your device from the more natural, horizontal angle while you take pictures and video. A great way to record lectures or interviews, as well as capture those unforgettable college moments, without missing the moment itself because your phone is in the way. Designed to eliminate “Phone Face”, MirrorCase is a sturdy case that utilizes a high-quality mirror to reflect back any image that is in front of the device, so you can still see the action in front of you while you record. MirrorCase.com $59.95
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Jimi Hendrix Experience Poster
For the finishing touch to your custom kitchen, the Blendtec Professional Series combines the best in professional blending strength with an elegant, chrome platform to complement any countertop. Blentec.com $649.95
Fillmore East (New York, NY) May 10, 1968 $98 WolfgangsVault.com
Journey Poster Oakland Coliseum Stadium (Oakland, CA) Jul 27, 1980 $75 WolfgangsVault.com
Pink Floyd Poster
1982 $43 WolfgangsVault.com Totally useless fact: Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser.
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We can help you find your way to your next apartment…
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BOGUS LOGOS! By Naomi Piercey
NO HUMPING. Yes, you might see it at the club. Hell, you might like to do it in your spare time, but unless you want your customers to be lonely husbands, sex-crazed state senators or horny canines, you must eliminate humping from your logo. An easy way to do it is to recognize what constitutes a human image and refraining from backing them up to each other (spooning is also frowned upon). Obviously, this guy should have gotten a second opinion.
NO ILLEGAL ACTIVITY. No matter if it insinuates drug use, theft or the idea that you give children sex change operations, it’s just wrong. Plus, you need an adult signature for some of that. I don’t care if it makes you more money in the end. The government will eventually come after you (although it seems at the moment they have their hands full overseas), and when they do, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. One look at this and I can tell that these guys did NOT get a second opinion.
NO PEDOPHILIA. People don’t like people who have sex with kids. You get ousted from your community, have to introduce yourself to your new neighbors and might end up on How to Catch a Predator. The Catholic Church agrees – ordained or not, it’s looked down upon. And. . .everyone hates you! So why brand your company with a suspicious image? It’s a pediatric center – just show a damn baby and be done with it. Once again – no second opinion.
we’re not kidding! It’s all about raising brand awareness, not suspicions. The message you send to the public is of the utmost importance. And if it’s one that promotes sex with kids – well, that is a customer base that you want nothing to do with. Plus – where were the board meetings for these logos? A second opinion could have saved these companies. To save yours, CT put together five serious rules to follow when deciding what to plaster on your office window:
NO PENISES. While the male species is usually quite proud to show off what defines their manhood, women, quite frankly, don’t like the looks of those things. So when one stares you down from a company logo, especially when it seems to be reaching climax, we don’t think it’s a turn ON. And although it may seem to give a message that your company is always ready to perform, your customers might not take it that way. Way to get a second opinion, doctor.
NO INTERCOURSE. The “No sex in public” rule doesn’t discriminate between real people and drawings of people. And although many people may have had sex with their dentists, unless you’re running some sort of kinky doctor/patient role-play brothel in Nevada, I don’t think this logo will sell teeth cleaning. But hey, you have us laughing! I’m kind of glad this guy didn’t get that second opinion!
GET A SECOND OPINION! Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House of Commons is not allowed to speak.
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charted
things I have gained after 7 years of university education student debt ability to live off $7 a week for food
ability to critically alalyze information
ability to write a decent essay
just who is this guy?
breaks into houses
eats your food
stoned burglar SANTA CLAUS awful burglar
first-year roommate
leaves things behind
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Totally useless fact: The first contraceptive was crocodile dung used by the ancient Egyptians.
charted
what people think when They see an eye patch YARRR!!!
fashion statement eye injury
what i do while waiting for my toast to pop up stare at toaster
get butter and utensils out
clean up the kitchen a little
Totally useless fact: Virginia Woolf wrote all her books standing
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spotted!
fast & furious 6
Spot The Differences
May 24, 2013
Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez
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Totally useless fact: Mozart wrote the nursery rhyme ‘twinkle, twinkle, little star’ at the age of 5.
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Totally useless fact: Thomas Edison, acclaimed inventor of the light bulb, was afraid of the dark
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Beauty Guide Lookin’ good
Summer
Sonia Kashuk Makeup Organizer
This colorfully designed bag highlights the brightest colors of the season while freshening up your makeup routine. $9.99 Target
Sonia Kashuk NEW Monochrome Eye Quad
Highlight, define and enhance your eyes with classic color with these chic eyeshadow palettes in complementary textures and shades. $13.69 Target
Somersets Women’s Extra Sensitive Shaving Oil
Women no longer have to “bite-the-bullet” and look to the men’s counter for the best results when it comes to shaving. Packaged in an iconic bullet-shaped container, just four to five drops per leg enables them to get a close, smooth shave without nicks, cuts or razor burn. $6.99 Somersetusa.com
Somerset’s Women’s Extra Delicate
Antibacterial shaving oil that is specially formulated for the bikini line, Somersets Extra Delicate Shaving Oil is formulated with a blend of organic essential oils such as Lavender, Tea Tree and Rosemary to help prevent inflammation and redness. $6.99 Somersetusa.com
AcneFree 2-in-1 Acne Wipes
A two-in-one treatment to clense your skin and treat your acne on the go. The oil-free wipes feature 0.5 percent Salicylic Acid, a dermatologist-recommended acne medication that helps to prevent breakouts and keeps pores open and clear of impurities. Disposable AcneFree 2-in-1 Acne Wipes are available in a convenient, resealable plastic pouch. 30 Large Towelettes $5.99 Available at drug stores and mass market retailers nationwide.
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Totally useless fact: Starfish haven’t got brains.
Lookin’ good
“State of the Art” Nail Set
Create must-have manis all season long with these new ocean-inspired nail colors, complete with mini nail brushes.
SOHO Surfette Weekender $29.99 Target SOHO Surfett Double Zip Foldover $8.99 Target
Available at specialty beauty, health stores and select drugstores nationwide or by visiting Peterlamas.com $32
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Peter Lamas Naturals Exfoliating Pumpkin Facial Scrub Cleanses and purifies skin using a powerful combination of natural ingredients. Pumpkin enzymes combine with Apple and Almond acids to dissolve cellular debris within the pores while Apricot Grains and Micro-spheres gently polish away dead skin cells. Available at specialty beauty, health stores and select drugstores nationwide or by visiting Peterlamas.com $24
Peter Lamas Naturals Brightening Emblica Eye Cream This lightweight cream lightens dark circles under the eyes utilizing emblica extract. Also known as a powerful anti-inflammatory agent, emblica helps stimulate new collagen production.
Peter Lamas Naturals Detoxifying Citrus C Facial Cleanser This ultra-hydrating cleanser invigorates skin with a potent fusion of natural ingredients. A purifying blend of chamomile, coconut and alba bark combine to create a rich lather that removes makeup and dead skin cells. Olive extract locks in moisture to smooth and strengthen skin. Available at specialty beauty, health stores and select drugstores nationwide or by visiting Peterlamas.com $20
Totally useless fact: In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Peter Lamas Naturals Nourishing Buriti Oil Moisturizer This botanical and vitamin-rich moisturizer features ultra hydrating Buriti oil, which is packed with Pro-Vitamin A, Vitamin E and unsaturated fatty-acids, to rebuild and hydrate skin by replenishing its essential moisture. Available at specialty beauty, health stores and select drugstores nationwide or by visiting Peterlamas.com $30
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Stylin!
2
3
Summer 1
Fashion 4
Luluâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 1) LULUS Exclusive Rooftop Garden Backless Purple Maxi Dress $51 Lulus.com 2) Bow Down Strapless Dress in White and Mint Green $41 Lulus.com 3) Remix and Match Strapless Lavender Print Dress $41 Lulus.com 4) Havana Cabana Bandeau Top in Red $22.50 Lulus.com
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Totally useless fact: China has more English speakers than the United States.
one liners!
p u k c Pi
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ell Hello how are m s s i h t Does m you? [Fine] Hey r o f o r o l h c , like I didn’t ask you to you? how you looked! an Did you cle s w ith you r pa nt I ca n Wi ndex? ly practical see myself i n th em .
Did you far t cause you , blew me away.
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Totally useless fact: John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
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campus talk
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january 2013
69
BOUNCING BACK! By Kelli McKinney
Getting
Back Into the Game There’s a saying that when you break up with someone, it takes half the time you were together to get over that person. Well, from personal experience, I’ve proven that to be wrong. No one ever said that because you just broke up with your girl/boyfriend you have to mope around the house like some loser. Take this chance to start your search all over again. Granted, you probably wont find that perfect match on your first night out, but that just gives you time to play the field and see what’s out there.
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The first thing to do is dispose of any evidence from your previous relationship. The meaningless memorabilia will just cause you to think about that person and make things worse. You broke up with this person for a reason, so why would you want to have things lying around that make you think about him or her? You don’t have to throw everything away and act as if the last year of your life never existed, though. That shoebox you just got when you spent $65 on that pair of sneakers you had to have will act as a great storage container that you can hide in the back of your closet. Next, a nice wardrobe makeover can help repair the damages. Go shopping. Sometimes, when you date someone for too long, you get too comfortable. This means you resort to wearing that ugly pair of gray sweat pants and the hoodie from your high school that you just couldn’t stand to part with. Spice up your wardrobe with some new clothes that you can turn around and wear out tonight. After you’ve rid your life of your past and bought for your future, go out. You’re never going to meet someone new if you stay curled up on your couch watching The Real Housewives of Miami every night. Take those new clothes you bought for a night out on the town. Get some friends together and party like there’s no tomorrow. You no longer have to report to anyone. You can go to the club or party and don’t have to worry about bringing your significant other along.
Flying solo at some of the nightclubs for a while is exactly what you need. Brace yourself, though, because there are plenty of single people out there doing the same thing. When that someone walks up to you and asks you to dance, do it. See and be seen. That’s your goal right now, so take advantage of the single life and hit up all the hot spots in town. Take my advice and don’t tie yourself down right away. The best thing about being single is that you can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. If you end up taking a year or so off from the serious relationship scene, even better. Take that time to find out what you’re really looking for by testing the water. Don’t be worried when you’re bringing home a different person every weekend. Now people will actually consider you a normal college student living the college life. When the time comes that you actually find someone who makes you willing to give up your single life, take it slow. The point of taking time off from serious dating was to make sure that you didn’t rush into anything that would turn out to be the same as before. You know what you’re looking for now, so make sure you throw out some ground rules. Be sure you both know what you’re getting into or else you’re going to wind up stuck in another relationship that’s going nowhere only to end months after it should have. My recommendation to those just-out-of-arelationship loners: don’t be sad about what you’ve lost… be glad about the freedom you now have to do whatever the hell you want. Stop wishing you could’ve made things work and think about all the new possibilities. Being in college is your time to explore all options both academically and socially. So, pick yourself up off the couch and get out there.
Totally useless fact: January 23 is National Pie Day.
Totally useless fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
campus talk
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may 2013
71
CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS
PRIZES
EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE
STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT
TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE
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may 2013
Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Totally useless fact: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
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may 2013
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Totally useless fact: A snail can sleep for three years.
Totally useless fact: Elephants are the only animals that canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t jump.
campus talk
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may 2013
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Totally useless fact: February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
campus talk
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may 2013
77
ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
campus talk
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may 2013
Totally useless fact: Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
MAY
SUDOKU
WORD FUN
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
CRYPTO
even exchange
GO FIGURE
QUIP{
where’s kids frank? maze
fear knot!
QUOTE
Totally useless fact: The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
campus talk
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may 2013
79
hahahaha
I went to the dentist last week and said, “What can I do with these yellow teeth of mine.” The dentist replied, “A brown tie might go well...”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
My Mexican cousin once told me that life should be taken with a pinch of salt… and a wedge of lime, not to forget a large measure of tequila.
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A guy talks to his friend: “You know, I got really unlucky with both of my wives!” “How so?” “Well the first one ran way with my neighbor!” “And what about the second one?” “She didn’t!!!”
A duck went to a supermarket to buy some groceries. The cashier asked if the duck was paying cash to which the duck replied, “No, just stick it on my bill.”
A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passerby asked, “Why are you crying?” “My parents are fighting inside the house,” the kid said. “Who is your dad?” asked the passerby. The kid responded, “That is what the fight is about.”
Totally useless fact: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
leaving a mark interview by lauren douglass
John-Paul FLintoff
changes
the world John-Paul Flintoff is at it again. In his new book, “How To Change The World,” he shares some inspiring insight on how you – yes you – can take small steps to make a big difference. Flintoff talks with me about the mindset of change, obstacles to overcome and a few touching stories of his own.
“Your actions make a difference.” What would you say to someone who doesn’t believe they can make a difference? The most important thing is to recognize that you’re already affecting the world by your choices, whether you realize it or not. Once you fully understand that, you can decide what kind of effect you’d prefer to have. It’s easy to understand this if you think about an election. You vote for a party, or maybe you vote for neither, but either way, this has an effect on the final outcome. This is how life works, too. At a trivial but also very important level, you could walk down the street with a smile on your face and brighten things up for other people, or you could walk down the street with a frown. Your actions make a difference. What inspired you to write How To Change The World? I was worrying a lot about climate change and limited resources, and so I began joining campaigns and started reading on those subjects. That’s what helped me discover that making changes can be described to anybody, regardless of whether they share your particular goals or not. I thought that explaining how to make those changes would be a really useful thing to share.
If someone wants to make a change, would you suggest starting locally, nationally or globally? I would always start with something small, because that can give you the courage to move on to something bigger. What do you find more satisfying, working towards a cause – the journey – or seeing the end result of your hard work – the destination? Almost always, the journey is more exciting. When you’ve achieved your goal, the thrill
Totally useless fact: On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
rarely lasts for very long. It’s very human to look back on things you’ve achieved as if they were inevitable and not that impressive after all. It’s more fun to keep setting yourself awesome targets to aim for. You’ve raised thousands of dollars for good causes. What’s a fundraising story you’re particularly proud of? I wrote a story about a woman doing amazing work for street kids in London. These kids were living in abandoned cars – really! It’s not so much a “fundraising” story, but people were so moved that we started to receive donations all the same, including small checks from people in India “for the poor children of London,” which was very humbling. What’s your vision of an ideal world? Just like this one, with all its problems and all the lovely stuff, too. If you could solve one world problem instantly, which one would you pick? I do think it would be great to help overcome what seems to be a human instinct for doing down others. Do you have a favorite motto or quote that you live by? I often ask myself, “How could I make this fun?” campus talk
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may 2013
STOP, THIEF!
How To Keep Your Stuff Safe When You’re On Your Own
Probably the only stealing you’ve seen recently is bike thievery. Seats are missing, wheels are missing. What you may not realize is that without mommy and daddy around to make sure your XBOX 360 is safe at night, the valuables in your apartment could be in danger too. Here are a few things you can do to not only feel like a real grown up (congrats) but turn your apartment into a maximum security prison for all of your BOGO pasta. Don’t Be a Hermit It’s hard to do when you don’t have any responsibilities, I know. However, at some point during the three hours a day that you leave your house, make nice with your neighbors. Follow them to the grocery store and “bump into them”, casually invite them to a campus-sponsored event, whatever. However you do it, do it. They will personally care about when you’re out of town and a package is sitting on your doorstep for more than two days, and they’ll tell you if they see some dude creeping around your door. Plus, they are prime sources for when you’re dankrupt. It’s a win-win. campus talk
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may 2013
Be Aware Hahahaha like you’re actually going to pay attention to anything other than COD. What happens when the A/C gets busted and your fingers start sweating on the controller, though, hm? Talking to people sucks, but at least make sure they’re legit before letting them into your place. If it’s someone from your apartment, make sure they have some k ind of ID on them. Same with electricians, etc. If they can’t show you identification for who they’re with, don’t let them in. Even if they have candy.
Pretend You’re Home On the rare occasion that you are in fact outside of your apartment, make it seem like you’re not. If you have roommates, be sure that whoever is last out of the apartment turns on a radio at normal volume. If you don’t have pets, you can also light a food-scented candle or put a piece of paper with laundry detergent on it by the door. Either of these will make it smell like someone’s home, without putting in all that work the kid from Home Alone did.
Lock Your Door, Doofus Seriously I don’t know how many times I’ve just walked into a friend’s apartment, and then straight into their room, when they weren’t even home. Stupid, right? Well, stupid is as stupid does and burglars are pretty smart these days. They know how to turn a knob on a door, and your roommates and their friends certainly know whose room has the best goodies. Everyone is a suspect. Lock your shit up or suffer the consequences.
Engrave Your Junk Not your genital junk, but your nice possessions. It’s hard to ruin such a pretty flatscreen, but the only way to ensure you’ll ever see it again if it goes missing is to engrave your driver’s license number or birthday onto it. Pick something you’ll identify later, and maybe if some buttcrust sees your handiwork when trying to steal it, they’ll think twice and just end up leaving it. How much do you really love your laptop? Now go off into the world, aka your apartment, and be successful. If I can type out a whole article detailing these stupidly obvious tasks for keeping your thousands of dollars worth of stuff safe, you can at least try to make them safe.
Totally useless fact: Shakespeare invented the word ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
campus talk
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may 2013
facing the challenge
Max Interview by Sarah G. Mason
Burkholder If you were given a night to commit any crime without consequence, what would you do? This is the question that Max Burkholderâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s character must face in the much anticipated thriller The Purge. We talk to Max about his experience on the set, how his role on NBCâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s popular series Parenthood helped prepare him for this difficult role and what it would be like if The Purge ever came true.
PHOTO BY LESLEY BRYCE campus talk
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may 2013
Totally useless fact: All polar bears are left-handed.
facing the challenge Tell me about your experience on Parenthood. Since the beginning, it’s been a really fun experience for me. I’ve gotten to explore a character with a mental syndrome, which most people don’t get the chance to do. It’s also been great working with the amazing cast on Parenthood. Overall, it’s just been a great experience. How did you prepare for your role as Max Braverman, who has Asperger’s Syndrome? When I was first auditioning, they brought in a doctor who specializes in children with Asperger’s Syndrome. He talked with everyone about how Max – the character – would react in certain situations and what having Asperger’s Syndrome might be like. Once I got the role, I began meeting every few weeks with some of the executive producers, the writer for each episode, the director of different episodes, as well as another doctor who specializes in children with Asperger’s to assess how Max would react in certain situations in the script. We would
talk about what he would be doing while, say, everyone else was at a party. Were you anxious at all about taking on this role? I was more anticipant. This is a more complicated role than I’ve ever played before, and I’ve always looked forward to the chance to take on this kind of challenge. What made you want to get into acting? My mom and dad are both friends with a casting director. She was casting for a movie – “Daddy Daycare” – and she told my parents that she needed children who could memorize scripts to audition. My parents immediately thought of me. I ended up auditioning and got the part, and I just loved it. That experience made me want to continue acting. Tell me about The Purge; what can we expect? From me, you can expect a part that’s a little different from Max Braverman. Where Max is less emotional, everyone in The Purge
is very emotional. I think the movie is going to do well because it’s not something that everyone’s seen before. It’s not quite a horror movie, it’s not quite action, not quite family, so that will certainly draw people in.
some of these scenes for the whole day. Staying in a single, fearful state of mind for long periods of time is challenging.The only thing you can do is try and conserve your energy and stick with it for the whole day.
In the movie, illegal activity is legal for 12 hours. Do you think something like this would work in the real world? I don’t think something like this would work in the real world, mainly because I don’t think that laws are all that to keep people from killing each other. People have morals, too. Also, I don’t think our situation will ever be as dire in the real world as it is in The Purge, so a rule like this wouldn’t ever be needed.
What’s Ethan Hawke like in real life? He’s so nice! He’d always tell me old stories about the things that he’s done in his life, and he would talk to me about what he thinks I should do in the future. He’s such a nice guy.
What was the most challenging part? The biggest challenge for me was partly that this is a very different role than I’ve ever played before. It’s definitely different from Max Braverman, who I’ve played for the last four years. There are a lot of scenes where I have to act very afraid for long periods of time, especially because we shoot
What about your long term plans? I definitely plan on going to college. As for acting, I’d like to continue it for a while longer. I haven’t yet figured out what I’m going to do as far as acting goes when I get to college, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. You can catch Max on the NBC series Parenthood (season 4 online now) and in The Purge out june 7.
“The Purge” WHAT: Horror Sci-Fi Thriller WHO: Lena Headey, Ethan Hawke, Tony Oller, Max Burkholder WHEN: June 7
Totally useless fact: The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
campus talk
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may 2013
WHO STASHED THE CANDY?
flicks
Iron Man 3 WHAT: Action Sci-Fi Thriller WHO: Robert Downey Jr.,
Guy Pearce, Gwyneth Paltrow WHEN: May 3 The latest installment in the Iron Man series, quirky and arrogant industrialist Tony Stark (Downey Jr.), dishes out revenge on a formidable terrorist called the Mandarin, who seems to be a step ahead at every turn. With his back against the wall, Stark must cling to survival, relying on his ingenuity and instincts to protect the people close to him.
By daniel sutphin
e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
The Great Gatsby (2013) WHAT: Drama Romance WHO: Leonardo DiCaprio,
Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Tobey Maguire WHEN: May 3 A new adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Long Island-set novel, “The Great Gatsby” follows Midwesterner Nick Carraway as he delves into the extravagant world of his neighbor, Jay Gatsby. As he becomes more involved in Gatsby’s existence, he begins to see through the lavish guise to find a world of obsession, madness and tragedy. campus talk
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may 2013
Star Trek Into Darkness WHAT: Action Adventure Sci-Fi WHO: Benedict Cumberbatch,
Chris Pine, Zoe Saldana, Zachary Quinto WHEN: May 17 The Enterprise gets the call to return home. Upon arrival, they find an unknown threat within their own organization has destroyed the fleet and with it, everything for which it stands. With vendetta in mind, Captain Kirk heads a manhunt to a war-plagued region to capture the threat, testing himself, as well as the lives and relationships surrounding him.
The Hangover Part III WHAT: Comedy WHO: Bradley Cooper, Melissa
McCarthy, Zach Galifianakis WHEN: May 24 In the third installment of the Hangover series, a criminal hunting Mr. Chow to recover $21 million kidnaps Doug. The Wolfpack sets out in search of Chow to recover the money and rescue Doug – yet again – bringing this knee-slapper of a series to a much-needed close.
Now You See Me (2013) WHAT: Thriller WHO: Morgan Freeman,
Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine WHEN: May 31 In a game of cat and mouse, a team of illusionists called “The Four Horsemen,” takes on the FBI, pulling off a series of heists against corrupt business leaders during their performances. They shower the stolen money over their audience after each heist while the FBI struggles to keep up.
Totally useless fact: The longest word comprised of one row on the keyboard is: TYPEWRITER
rent me!
Small
Cloud Atlas WHAT: Drama, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Tom Hanks, Halle Berry,
Jim Broadbent, Hugo Weaving, Jim Sturgess, Susan Sarandon WHEN: May 14 This century-spanning piece, helmed by Matrix creators Andy and Lana Wachowski, explores the connection between the actions and consequences of an individual and how it impacts others throughout the past, present and future as one soul is shaped from killer to hero and a single act of kindness ripples through centuries to inspire a revolution.
Screen
Mama WHAT: Horror WHO: Jessica Chastain,
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Megan Charpentier WHEN: May 7 Presented by Guillermo Del Toro (“Pan’s Labyrinth”), Mama tells the story of Annabel and Lucas and their challenge in raising his two young nieces. They take in the nieces after they are found in an abandoned cabin in the woods where they were left alone for five years. The couple discovers that the two young girls were not as alone as perceived when a ghost the girls call Mama appears in their home and tries to destroy the couple.
Dark Skies The Last Stand WHAT: Action Crime Thriller WHO: Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Johnny Knoxville, Eduardo Noriega and Forest Whitaker WHEN: May 21 Schwarzenegger returns to the leading role as Sheriff Ray Owens. Owens oversees docile border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD position that, due to a botched job, left him defeated. When a wanted drug kingpin escapes from jail and heads for the border, Owens and his novice troupe of deputies are the only thing standing between the kingpin and his freedom.
Totally useless fact: You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
Beautiful Creatures WHAT: Drama WHO: Alice Englert, Viola Davis
and Emma Thompson
WHEN: May 21
Based in a small Southern town, Ethan meets a mysterious new girl, Lena. In this adaptation of Kami Carcia and Margaret Stohl’s series of novels, Lena finds that she has a history of dark family secrets surrounding witchcraft. As her family tries to sway Lena to either the light or the dark, Lena fights for her love with Ethan, one her family has deemed forbidden.
WHAT: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, Dakota Goyo, Kadan Rockett, J.K. Simmons WHEN: May 28 The supernatural thriller follows a young family living in the suburbs. Husband and wife, Daniel and Lacey Barret, begin witnessing a tumultuous series of events involving their family, quickly turning their peaceful home into a state of disarray. They realize that their family has become the target of a deadly threat, forcing the couple to explore and solve the mystery behind their assailant.
campus talk
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may 2013
hahahaha
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
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may 2013
Totally useless fact: The average person spends 12 weeks a year ‘looking for things’.
SURVIVAL 101!
CT’s Survival Tip
#828
Poisonous Snake Bites Step 3
Do not make “X” incisions over the bite wounds or suck out the toxin. You will most likely cause excessive bleeding and/or additional necrosis (tissue death), as well as further infection from the germs in your mouth and surrounding environment. This, however, should not deter you from using the “I have a snake bite on my pecker and I’ll die if you don’t suck out the poison” on unsuspecting coeds whenever possible.
Step 1
Stay calm. No, seriously. While this may seem trivial and downright impossible, considering the circumstances, it may actually be the difference between life and death. See, the more nervous or anxious you are, the faster the blood flows through your system, allowing the poison a speedier route to your tissues. Staying calm can afford you hours of additional time to seek medical care for the snake bite.
You’re wandering around outside one day, when all of the sudden a snake decides to turn you into an appetizer by sinking his poisonous fangs into your juicy leg. Now, in your best Keanu Reeves voice, what… do… you… do? Don’t worry… we figured you’d be clueless. Allow CT to help you, yet again, out of a potentially lethal situation.
Step 4
DO NOT, under any circumstances, use a tourniquet. While certain medical conditions still are helped with proper application of a tourniquet, these are few in number. In most cases, application of a tourniquet will cause necrosis and possibly cause the need for amputation of the affected area. So, yeah…
Step 5
Rather than using a tourniquet, apply an ACE bandage to the wound. A constriction band is similar to a tourniquet, the primary difference being the amount of force applied to the site. A constriction band will reduce but not totally stop the flow of blood to the area distal to the heart. When applying the band, if the affected area becomes cold or numb within a few minutes, it is too tight and needs to be loosened somewhat.
Step 6
DO NOT attempt to administer any anti-venom to yourself. If you follow the steps above to a tee, you’ll afford yourself plenty of time to stabilize yourself, get help and have a professional remove the venom from your body. If you have access to a phone, call for help and ask to be taken to the nearest hospital. If you’re stranded alone somewhere… well, maybe you should’ve been watching out for snakes in the first place, buddy!
Step 2
If the wound is shallow, let it bleed out naturally. It may seem like you’re losing every last drop of blood in your body at first, but that’s just because there are lots of anticoagulants in the venom, which causes you to spurt out blood like Old Faithful.
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may 2013
Totally useless fact: Sailors onboard a ship, even when out at sea, can feel earthquakes.
hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
The other day I was leaving home to go to work and my neighbor said to me, “Any chance that you can give me a bit of a lift?” One thing has always puzzled me. Why is it a man is willing to pay $10 for an item he wants that is worth $5 when a woman is wiling to pay $5 for an item worth $10 that she doesn’t want?
“Daddy, I’d like to help an old man. Can I have some money; a dollar, maybe two?” “Well done my son! That is a very nice gesture! Here’s five bucks. Now where is that poor man?” “He’s down the street selling ice cream!”
A miserable old drunk in a bar shouted out, “Remember, if this world didn’t suck so much, we would probably all fall off it.”
“Certainly,” I replied. “You look fantastic and that skirt goes really well with your eyes.”
Member of the audience: Your speech is so fresh. Speaker: Thank you, why do you say so? Member of the audience: We wake up feeling fresh after your speech!
My brother is a bit of a joker and the other day he phoned our local gym and asked them if they could teach him the correct way to do the splits. They asked “Are you flexible”? He replied, “Wednesdays and Fridays are a problem, but otherwise no problem”.
Totally useless fact: The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe..
campus talk
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may 2013
91
EASY DOES IT!
8
Things You Should Never
By Adam Defrin
Do At A Guy’s Place Your night is winding down. Last call has been made, and it looks like your evening will sadly be over before you even have the chance to realize that you spilled beer all over yourself, have an unzipped fly and are completely, utterly drunk. That is, until you bump into that guy who you’ve been trying to hook-up with lately. Between the mutual drunkenness (and the attraction felt due to the mutual drunkenness), something is going to happen between the two of you. Your night will be a success, unless you do one of the eight things listed here. Take note, so your morning-after recap with “the girls” doesn’t result in you being called stupid…or a ho.
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may 2013
Totally useless fact: The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
EASY DOES IT! 1) DON’T: Eat all of his food
3)DON’T: Bring another girl
Ah, the drunken munchies. Everyone gets ‘em. They’re the only reason that places like Taco Bell have any customers. I hate to sound like an ass (or be the cause of an eating disorder), but these late-night munchies need to be tamed…especially when you’re at a guy’s place. It’s not so much that we mind our food being eaten. It’s just a huge turn-off to see a girl eat an entire box of Wheat Thins, three pouches of Gushers and a bowl of Easy Mac. It makes us want to vomit.
So you’re not sure if you want to go through with it. You bring your friend along just-in-case you want to back out. Maybe you’ll give your friend a silent motion to let her know if you want her to stay or go while he’s not looking. Either way, the guy gets the hint: he’s “a questionable.” No guy wants to be “a questionable,” and even if he gets the thumbs up, he has the fact that the girl wasn’t originally sure in the back of his mind. So, bottom line: don’t bring a wing girl…unless you have intentions of including her in the events to come.
2) DON’T: Vomit Vomiting warns the guy that you’re way too drunk to be doing anything besides sleeping face down. It also lets him know that you’re going to be sloppy. If you throw up, a guy is very unlikely to follow through with the hook-up, because he knows that you’re not going to be very good at any sexual act that he had intentions of doing with you. He also doesn’t want that nasty flavor on his mouth…or penis! And now, just to even the playing field, a hot, female CT writer sounds off with a sharp, witty rebuttal:
Things a man should
never tell a woman If he likes having two balls By Maria Luisa Baltodano
1) “ You don’t look fat in that dress; you look like a friggin’ hungry hippo.” 2) “ Molly used to move her tongue around like this. You should, too.” 3) “ You look like Bigfoot with Hirsutism (the scientific name for excessive hairiness in women) down there.” 4) “ Nice make-up job. Are you in the Picasso drawing class, too?” 5) “ Wanna make-out? There’s a Port-O-Potty down the road.” 6) “ Your eyes are the color of two turds festering in the morning sun.” 7) “Can’t you open your mouth any wider?” 8) “What’s your name again?” 9) “ How much do you weigh? I’d say it’s more than an underwear model but less than Melissa McCarthy.” 10) “Congratulations! When’s it due?” 11) “ You’d be perfect if you didn’t have a mouth.” 12) “Just squat in the bushes.” 13) “Bend over, biotch.”
4) DON’T: Pass Out Imagine running a marathon. You’re in first the entire way. You’re approaching the finish line, about to seal the deal, but, suddenly, you trip up. The others run over you and finish the race, and you just lie there in pain. That’s the pain a guy feels when a girl comes over and passes out before anything even happens. Actually, they’re nothing alike, except for the fact that you never get to cross the finish line in either situation. I mean, I guess you could go in to kiss the girl, but that would just be crossing the line – in a totally gross, non-sexy way!
5) DON’T: Change female hygienic products She’s been in that bathroom for a while. Is she preparing for me? Is she getting ready for what’s about to go down? Oh, O.K., she’s done. “Hey, what’s up?” Hmm, I kind of have to use the bathroom, too. “I’ll be right back.” Wow, I drank a lot tonight. This girl so wants it. What is that in my garbage? No way. She wouldn’t. Ewwwww. Don’t let this happen to you. The main reason it’ll break the night is because the guy knows that he can’t get as far with you as he was hoping to, but it’s also just a huge turn-off to see such a bloody nightmare in your garbage. Don’t get me wrong – we’re all about getting the blood flowing – as long as it’s not yours!
6) DON’T: Wear regular panties Honestly… why would you do such a thing? You know a guy is going down there. You know that he will see what you have on. You know that once he gets those pants off, he’ll want to see something that’ll turn him on even more. Sorry, ladies, but regular Hanes just won’t cut it. Let him take off something that has as much cloth as his sock, like a g-string, a thong or even booty shorts. That last one’s a stretch… but I guess when it comes to the panty department, a little stretch can be a good thing, right?
Totally useless fact: Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
Since we’re on the topic of what to (not) do at a guy’s place, we figured the article wouldn’t be complete without mentioning things you should never tell a guy, regardless of whether you’re at his place, at your place, at a water park, at a sporting event, at the Playboy mansion, at a movie or at a Girls Gone Wild pimps and hoes hoedown. So, here we bring you…
5 Things you should never say to a guy By Michael Fresco 1) “I used to be a man.” Good to know in advance that you’re a d*$#head. Thanks for the “heads-up.” 2) “I’ve seen bigger.” Even if you have seen bigger, pretend that you haven’t. Better yet, convince yourself that you haven’t. 3) “Can you go buy me some tampons?” No, no thanks. 4) “Your bathroom is nasty.” Guys don’t want their world of girls and their world of bathrooms colliding, except for in the shower. Besides, if you’re bothered by it, clean it yourself! 5) “Let’s wear our matching green polo shirts tomorrow!” I have a friend who did this and was later hung from the flagpole by his balls. True story.
7) DON’T: Move your bowels This is unnecessary…and gross…and nasty…and, well, shitty! That’s why this act should be taken care of before you go out for the night. Girls don’t even take craps, do they? Either way, if you can do it and get away without it being noticed, then all the more power to you. But if you do it, and the guy notices, it could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to you. He will tell his boys. And they will tell their boys. And before you know it, you’re left with a (drum roll, please) crappy reputation.
8) DON’T: Deny the suggestion of the use of a condom So you say it feels better. Granted, it may. But if a guy pulls one out, do not tell him to put it away. Depending on the guy, he may or may not like the idea, but either way, his perception of the kind of girl that you are will be changed, and honestly, do you really want him to equate you with that drunk, easy chick he met last year while on spring break? Didn’t think so!
campus talk
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may 2013
93
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elusion
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There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
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