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Is That Art or
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Defining the Blurry Line Between
How 2 Keep Things
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Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff 1 Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN! P58
CONTENTS
GOOD READING
P35
09 How to Trick People Into
Thinking You’re a Psychic P09 10 Painting Over the Fine Line Between Art and Vandalism 12 A Talk on Music and Life and Meital Dohan 14 Keep Calm and Learn Your History 15 How 2 Stay Interesting 16 The Lost Art of Letter Writing 18 Frank the Cab Driver 22 15 Reasons to Love Sports 30 Dating Diary P12 35 Credit for Dummies 42 Science’s Seemingly Stupidest Studies
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47 6 Foods You Should Never Eat 48 5 Must-See Chick Flicks 55 Cartoon Vixens We Wish
P46
P42
Were Human 68 How 2 Open Your Own Offshore Account 81 An Interview with Alexander Dipersia 82 Plants For Your Personality 84 4 Types of Terrible Roommates 85 All You Need to Know About Cinco de Mayo 90 How to Pass Your Finals Without Studying 93 Essential Condiments for Cafeteria Consumption 94 5 Head Games Every Girlfriend Plays
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR
P66
ENTERTAINMENT
P12
29 Single vs. The Relationship 32 Loads of Fun with CT’s
Miniature Football 41 Scheck-isms P16 46 Fitness Gear 49 How 2 Get Organized with Clipix.com 52 Music Reviews 54 Sore Thumbs 58 Gearing Up For Spring 61 5 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Car 66 Spring Beauty Reviews 70 Hilarious Celebrity Animal Lookalikes 86 Flicks P48
P10 P90
P54
P52
Totally useless fact: The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER Here’s to Possibility! As finals come to a close, many of you will be leaping headlong into the real world, starry-eyed and eager to change it; others will be barreling into a summer of sun, parties and beaches, while the rest of you will continue the daily grind of school and work. Regardless of your post-finals pursuit, remember to appreciate the possibilities that come with change and roll with them; if nothing has changed, then just make the most of it and remember that Campus Talk will always be here for some light-hearted relief.
explore the thin line between art and vandalism. We also delve into the benefits of the lost art form of letter writing and even conjure some easy ways to keep things interesting amid the bump and grind.
It’s easy to get caught up in the mold and stress of life. Just remember that perspective is everything and consider the bigger picture when your personal issues weigh a tad too heavy. The semester is almost over, so buckle in and bear it; escape will be here soon enough!
This month Campus Talk sits down with actress, writer and singer, Meital Dohan, to talk about art, life and her new music video “On Ya.” We offer up some tips on credit score maintenance and
Daniel Sutphin
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: A whale’s penis is called a dork.
gaze into the crystal ball
by Kelly Herman
How To Trick People Into Thinking
You’re a
Psychic Life Outlook and Political Views
Some people will just come right out and say their views on touchy issues like religion and politics – but for those who don’t: Look at their eyes. What you look for is eye contact; if someone follows your eye gaze, they’re usually a liberal thinker and are trying to see your point of view, even if what you’re looking at has nothing to do with what you’re discussing. If they stare at you steely-eyed, they’re probably more conservative and don’t like being told what to do. You can chat someone up for a while and test them out by letting your eyes wander, which will help you decide if they’re open to influence.
“Goodness”
This one may seem kind of self-evident when we reveal it, but here it goes: People who eat sweeter foods usually are nicer people and tend to do good things just because they can. It makes sense in a weird way, that the chocolate and candy eaters would be more agreeable than those that pack on the pretzel and chip snacks. The next time you’re at a party, you’ll be able to tell the sweethearts from the douchebags instantly by merely watching what they eat. You can also pick out the people who will eventually get heart disease that way.
We’ve all heard of ESP, but very few people actually show signs of having special mental abilities, that is, except for Karen. She knows when it’s raining about 30 percent of the time, and that’s pretty special. We won’t teach you how to read weather patterns or how to become a boob-whisperer, but we will teach you a few things to pick up on so you can trick people into thinking you’re a psychic.
Drinking Habits
Another good one to look for at parties is how much a person drinks. Granted, you could probably figure this out by keeping track of everyone’s alcohol intake, but it’s a lot easier if you just look at their eyes. People with light eye colors can handle more alcohol before it affects them, those with brown eyes are more sensitive to it and other stimuli. The party scenario plays as an avenue for testing this out, and maybe doing some wheeling and dealing. Want to challenge someone to a drinking contest? Know your opponent’s flaws, and, well… we don’t condone cheating anyone out of money, but you’re a psychic now, right? You can’t help it if you know these things!
Wealth
This one could also work as a jerk-detector, since what you’re looking for is how engaged someone might be in a conversation. Richer subjects tend to show fidgety signs of being disengaged from the conversation, while poorer folk often nod and smile more. Although it helps to know which of the rich are the a-hole types, it also helps to know that some people are just major jerks with bad or bloated self-esteem.
Totally useless fact: One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
Relationship Personality
You can tell quite a bit about someone by what they wear. It can be difficult, however, to trick some new somebody into thinking you’re a psychic if you’ve yet to see the gambit of outfit choices they’ve made in other scenarios. All you have is what’s in front of you. The best tell for a person’s personality, especially when it comes to relationships, is their shoes. What you can tell is pretty simple: People who wear sensible shoes are agreeable; nicer, maintained shoes are worn by clingy, anxious types; aggressive folks wear ankle boots; and uncomfortable looking shoes are worn by people with calm personas. Just don’t stare at their feet too long or they might pick up on your pseudo-psychic secrets! The last thing to remember is that, like a magician, you always keep your tricks up your sleeve and just wink in response to every “How did you know that?!” response you get. Remember, use your newfound powers for good and not evil. If you do choose the dark side, you didn’t get all these tips from us… but bring us back some cookies! We hear they have great cookies. campus talk
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9
RAISE YOUR HANDS AND STEP AWAY FROM THE CRAYONS!
by john scheck
(based on a true story)
Painting Over the Fine Line Between Art and Vandalism Many people would just shut their traps and not say anything about the oeuvre of someone else’s progeny. I’m sorry but I think that is just cowardly, or passive-aggressive at best, so I decided to do something about it. I’ve started a company that sells children’s artwork that actually isn’t completely horrific. You can buy one of our works and replace that finger-painted crime scene you have hanging on the wall of your office. You’ll be doing everyone who enters your work space a huge favor and your kid never comes to visit so they won’t know. Judging by their work I’d wager that even if the little ones do drop by to visit daddy they probably aren’t bright enough to realize you made the 10
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I hate to be a critic and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but your kid’s artwork is freaking terrible. I doubt this was your intention but if I had an awful picture like that on the door of my refrigerator I’d stop eating. That “Happy Mommy & Daddy & Baby” they were shooting for looks more like a pre-school version of the Manson family. I know that these days we’re all about building up a kid’s self-esteem but looking at your toddler’s ghastly attempt at so-called art is like being forced to view an open wound.
switch. Do you have any idea how awkward it is for coworkers and clients to look at that trash and not wonder what a lousy parent you must be for allowing your child to pollute the world with their drawings and finger paintings? You wouldn’t allow your kid to go around lighting fires so stop letting him spill paint everywhere.
that your kid suffers from some crippling mental illness. The quality goes up from, “Wow, your kid isn’t half-bad” to people thinking you have a little Picasso living under your roof who shares your DNA. We guarantee that friends and relatives will no longer use adjectives like “disturbing” and “eyesore” or “Yikes!” when they talk about your child’s work.
All of our paintings are done by trained professionals working within age-appropriate boundaries so that you can make your orders according to your age-specific needs. We offer a range of quality starting at simply acceptable drawings that you won’t be ashamed of and won’t lead others to think
Help us help you to keep it a secret that your child doesn’t have a shred of talent in the art department. Or you can keep taping atrocious crap on your refrigerator which only gives the kids the message that their stuff actually pleases you when we both know that is pretty far from the truth.
Totally useless fact: A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel.
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Chatting it up
c i s u M n o k l A Ta and Life with n a h o D l ta i e M Known from her recurring role as Yael Hoffman on the Showtime hit series Weeds and her role on Woke Up Dead, Meital Dohan has won many awards, including an Israeli Tony award and two Israeli Academy Award nominations for Best Actress. She’s also been published as an author, playwright and comedian.
“Walk with life, and don’t be in your head too much.”
Scan here to watch Meital’s video “On Ya.”
Interview by Daniel Sutphin
Art in All Forms Meital broke through the music scene with her release of “Yummy.” The song behind her viral video, “Yummy Boyz,” circulated in clubs and radio stations nationwide and has been remixed by multiple DJs.
Campus Talk managed to catch up with Meital to discuss her latest single, the process going into its creation, the challenges women face in the music industry and her approach to life and art.
Meital’s latest single, “On Ya,” with Sean Kingston, debuted on the Billboard Club Play chart and has been on the rise since. For the video, she teamed with director Ray Kay (Lady Gaga’s “Pokerface,” Britney Spears’ “Till The World Ends,” Justin Bieber’s “Baby”). The video is currently in rotation on MTV.
You began your career in Israel. How is that different from Hollywood? It’s very different, kind of like a big college in the sense that you know everyone and everyone knows you. So it’s very small, and a sort of Middle Eastern, European kind of culture. America is much bigger and more spread out. I think the mentality is much more
Despite her busy schedule, 12
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American, which is much different from European or Middle Eastern. There’s been a lot of talk about your new music video, “On Ya.” What was the inspiration for that video? I worked with George Robertson. He worked with LMFAO and he’s one of the writers of ”I’m Sexy And I Know It.” He came back with “On Ya” [laughs]. We wrote the rest of the song together – Brass Knuckles, more writers and myself. We really wanted to do a song about the celebration of life, celebration of who you are, celebration of the moment and encourage people to celebrate life.
What was the creative process that went into making the video? I knew Ray Kay’s work and I thought it was phenomenal. I really liked the video he did for Britney Spears, “Until The World Ends,” and he wanted to work with me on my video. We just sat down and collaborated and came up with the concept and pretty much shot it. What was the most challenging part about doing this project? I think this track kind of went out a little early, before we were even ready to release it with the video. The challenging part was
Totally useless fact: Nearly 80% of all animals on earth have six legs.
Chatting it up
controlling the release of the song so it went out with the video. The challenge was good, in that it got rolling as soon as people got hold of it. Did you think that “On Ya” would be such a hit? I think it was after writing it, when we recorded it in the studio with Brass Knuckles and everything, I just said it was a hit. And we didn’t know, it was very random, I just met them, and we did the song and it really happened fast. We were very happy, and it’s the second single that I’ve done in my life, so it’s my pleasure to have something to commemorate. People have been getting into the track, and people really like it.
where I’d kill myself, because then I wouldn’t be able to do another song afterwards. I learned the phrase “never say never,” but I wouldn’t do anything with real blood in it. I think art needs to be art, but I wouldn’t do anything like that even if there were violence, because I’m not violent in any sort of way.
friendship level. I think people are trapped in their hectic ways all around the world. Because I am a female, the biggest challenge is to find a balance between the work and all the obligations, just to have some kind of extra romance and love and to try to have what was there in the old days.
What do you think are some of the biggest challenges for females in the music industry? I think, for male and female, there’s equally a challenge. It might even just be greater as a human, just from finding love and having relationships. I think it’s even harder these days to share love with one another, even in a platonic way or on a
What advice would you give to an aspiring actress or singer? I always say the best thing to do is to go for it and then let the universe do the rest. If it’s supposed to be your destiny, it’ll be your destiny. You can try your hardest, but you really need to be loose about where you live, what you do. That’s how I got through everything that I did because I
would say, “This is what I want to do,” and then let destiny speak to itself. Walk with life, and don’t be in your head too much. Do you think that approach has been a big influence on your art and your music? Yeah, I mean this is how I am. I think the role of the artist is to reach out to the audience and be a good role model. Of course you can fight for it, but don’t hold onto it as something that has to happen, because you can’t control your life. You have to let life be what it is destined to be, and I think that’s the best approach to life and to showbiz, like any other profession. It’s a tango between you and your creator.
What was it like working with Sean Kingston and Ray Kay? Sean is a very sweet, sweet guy. Everyone seems to really love him and he’s just a down-toearth guy. Ray Kay is great too, very smart and has a strong sense of individuality in his videos and his work. He’s a very interesting director. What was it like taking that creative risk with “Yummy?” It started out with the idea from one of the background videos for one of my shows. Then it became the remix video for “Yummy.” It was great! [laughs] I’m so happy because, as an artist, it’s nice to be doing something that you really want to be doing, and have people actually like it, so that’s encouraging, even if it’s crazy. Was the nudity in the video originally your idea? The guy I was dating at the time, I told him my idea that I wanted to get up in the morning, put on boxing gloves and punch the camera. He said “Great, why don’t you get up and punch the camera, and do it naked?” I said, “That’s perfect! Then I can go outside….” He was like, “No, no, you can’t go outside like that.” [Laughs.] So it was kind of a merging of ideas. Is there anything you absolutely wouldn’t do for art or in a video? I probably wouldn’t do anything Totally useless fact: Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds.
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CALL IT A COMEBACK
Keep Calm by Kelly Herman
and
Learn Your History We’ve all seen the different variations of the “Keep Calm and Carry On” posters, but where did they even come from? My guess was that it had to do with some popular liquor brand (I’m naive, not an alcoholic – I swear), but I stumbled across the actual story behind the iconic phrase. When World War II was making its way across Europe, the British Ministry of Information decided to issue several propaganda posters to maintain social order and control the publicity surrounding the war. Two of the posters were posted around Britain: “Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution 14
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Will Bring Us Victory” and “Freedom is in Peril.” The third in the set, “Keep Calm and Carry On,” was printed en masse and saved for the moment when Germany invaded Britain. The poster was, of course, never seen by the public because the war ended before an invasion took place. Those reassuring five words, rendered useless, were destroyed but for a few remaining posters. One of them ended up in a set of books sent to Barter Books in England, where one of the store owners, Mary Manley, decided she liked it so much she had it framed. The simplicity of the symbolic crown along with the calming words seemed to resonate with people who visited the shop, so Stuart and Mary Manley started producing merchandise featuring the image. From there, the poster became a theme of the present times, and was creatively redesigned to focus on different subgroups
like gamers, zombie enthusiasts, and foodies. It’s also interesting to notice that the changes to the slogan are usually positive, funny and ultimately light-hearted in nature; what started out as a simple and effective motto for getting people through a war eventually became the ever-changing motto for peoples’ everyday lives. Could it be the recession? Could it be that we’re experiencing our own version of wartime right now? Or is it just that, no matter how insignificant or major our plights may be, from a stubbed toe to a relative passing, we’re always open to reassurance? Regardless of the reason for its popularity, the bold style and the iconic phrase will remain etched in our memory. Keep Calm and Carry On, or Rock On or Nom On… or whatever gets you through the day.
Totally useless fact: There is approximately one chicken for every human being in the world.
Live it!
How 2 Stay By Mike Stanley
Interesting Living Life Beyond the Daily Grind
To play ‘monkey in the middle 2.0,’ here is a list of things you will need:
1) One mid-range disk (Frisbee) made for disc golfing, because they fly faster and go farther than a normal Frisbee. 2) One soccer ball. 3) One football. 4) Four people. How do you play this innovative and physically demanding game you ask? The monkeys hold the soccer and footballs. They stand in between the two people throwing the mid-range disc. The object of the game is for the disc to make it past both monkeys and into the hands of the teammate on the other side – preferably standing about 40 to 50 feet away. If the disc reaches the other teammate unobstructed by either ball and is caught, one point is gained. If either monkey knocks the disc out of flight, the monkeys gain two points. If the disc is successfully targeted by a monkey and still gets caught by the disc throwers, the throwers receive three points. If the disc is once again targeted successfully by a monkey, and caught by monkey, the monkeys receive four points.
Stand up, get out, allow yourself to experience the environment every once in a while. Try new things. Stand up for what you believe in. Don’t be a pushover. Have a voice. While these things may seem like common sense, many people succumb to safety, which leads to boring lives and the loss of a basic human trait – the ability to become whatever we want to be. We’re given one chance on earth, why be content to monotonously go through the motions? Sure, having a good career is nice, but that can’t be all you want to achieve. Sure you may fail or take some wrong turns, but at least you went out there and did it. So take a break from studying, get out of the house, do things that make you uncomfortable and make new friends in the process. After living in Gainesville for 25 years, getting out of the house is the best chance to stand out and be seen. Too many people become consumed by their work and forget the time to live a little. Self-awareness should not be
defined as, “I must not do anything to put myself in foreign situations because I will be uncomfortable.” Rather, consider the notion, “I am self-aware, therefore, I know that by studying a healthy amount now, balancing it with an open mind and an enjoyable social life, I will be a better, happier person.” Be different, be approachable and be open to new situations and activities. Just because you’ve never done something doesn’t mean that it isn’t for you. This doesn’t mean to go try smoking crack or anything, it merely suggests that you might enjoy life more and make a more friends should you sway on the side of being outgoing, rather than the shut-in scenario of being strung to the saying, “Well that’s just not for me.” Use better judgment, and if such judgment skills are lacking, invite some friends to join you on whatever new path you’ve ventured. Recently my friends and invented a new form of monkey in the middle, and it is oddly fun and extremely active.
Totally useless fact: More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world.
Monkeys and throwers switch after 10 points. There is no pausing for the monkeys to get back into position after unsuccessfully launching whichever weapon they armed themselves with. First team to 30 wins. Running around looking like crazy children every once in a while never hurt anybody. And people will look at you like you’re crazy, and then they will see how much fun you are having, and probably ask you what in the Hell are you doing. This soon-to-be-patented game would not exist if we had chosen to stay inside doing what we were “supposed to be doing” all day. Your parents sent you to college not only for an education, but also for the entire college experience. You’re not going to get this chance again, so go do something outstanding with people you will never forget.
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15
SNAIL MAIL Children born and raised in the 90’s have been beholden to many luxuries previous generations lived without. These luxuries – AOL Instant Messenger, emails, and more recently texting, twitter, Facebook and Tumblr – have hindered many of the great traditional forms of communication for not only face to face, but also for distant interactions.
The Lost Art of Letter Writing by Kelly Herman
In attempt to address this issue, an older relative gave me a package of Thank You cards for Christmas. Ten years later, I’ve received at least six more of those. It wasn’t until recently, however, that I’d even developed an opinion about it. Appreciating handwritten letters took the loss of my aunt, who left behind a gallon-sized plastic bag stuffed with letters to my uncle. And not just love letters, but poignant letters about holidays they spent together and her fears, hopes and dreams. Reading through her philosophies and collaged pages made me jealous – jealous that I didn’t have any letters from her. It’s a deep and personal communication, and as much as hearing her voice over the phone made our distance more bearable, I hate talking on the phone. It’s probably the fear of being trapped in a conversation for longer than I care to talk, which is ridiculous I admit, but it kept me from talking with my aunt as much as I could have. There’s just something about the intimacy of writing a handwritten letter. How many people even know what each others’ handwriting looks like these days? I’m sure 16
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half of my friends will die without ever having attempted to read my scribble, but that’s a sacrifice I’m not willing to make anymore. My handwriting is a symbol of who I am and the changes I’ve made throughout my life. It’s just as much a part of me as how I style my hair or the music I listen to. Yes, they’ll have to suffer through trying to figure out what I’ve written, but they’ll see my inner thoughts in a much more familiar way. Sure, Tumblr gives you the chance to show followers who you are and what’s in your brain, but that’s the internet. The internet is for everyone, where anyone can catch a glimpse into your least and most thoughtful insights. It’s impersonal and doesn’t require much effort. It’s the same with text messaging and emails; with the bright white background and the black, standardized font of a phone screen comes the death of something brilliant and unique: handwriting. All sentiment is lost without the feel of pen to paper and the time to think of the perfect word to say. Even if you’re not good at finding the right words, you’re still giving your time to someone you care about. “Thinkin bout u”
texts just don’t cut it anymore. Anyone can send that, depleting its so-called “value.” As with those macaroni art projects we brought home as kids, writing is a part of who we are. We shouldn’t throw it away or just take a picture of it before sending it to the trash. You still need the rise and fall of the globs of paint to feel the way you’re supposed to when looking at something made from the heart. When you’re writing and your penmanship gets a little sloppy, that conveys something to the person who reads it on a level that no amount of italicizing or bolding can ever convey. Letter-writing is an art form that everyone is good at, because no matter what, as long as you can write, your handwriting will say something about you that nothing else can. You can keep your T-shirts and facial piercings as forms of expression. As long as paper still exists, people should and will continue to express themselves in this manner. No matter how bad you may be at expressing yourself through words, the effort you put into sitting down and writing a letter can never be undervalued or replaced.
Totally useless fact: Seattle’s Fremont Bridge rises up and down more than any drawbridge in the world.
r o f e c r u o s r You ! e s i d n a h c r e logo m
WWW.WHATSHAPPENING PROMOTIONS.COM
352-371-5881
PART OF
frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Hey Frank,
Franky poo,
Lower your standards? Stop referring to it as “nailing”?
If by “kinda slept with somebody” you mean “cheated on my boyfriend” and if by “area code rule” you mean “fake numbering the guy so your boyfriend never finds out”, then yes.
My goal this school year is to nail at least one new chick every month. Any tips for making that happen? Dustin
FRANK THOUGHTS: The literal imagery from which “nailing” derives is rather disturbing when you really stop and think about it.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
myc am
pustal
k .co m
I kinda slept with somebody while I was home for summer. Does the area code rule really apply in these situations? Sarai
FRANK FACT: Frank obeys the Zip Code rule: “Never date within your zone. If the mailman can walk to your house unannounced, so can she.”
oh hai Frank,
I think I realized over the summer I don’t like my major. But the thought of starting over again as a senior is nauseating. Should I just push forward with a major I don’t even want to work in? Morris With the exception of a few very specific career paths, mostly involving the medical and insider trading fields, whatever crap thing you majored in you’re probably not going to get a job in. The degree alone should get you in on the bottom floor of getting coffee for the people you really want to work for. That’s about as well as any of you are going to do anyway. So suck it up and just graduate. FRANK FACT: Frank’s major was Post-Modern Feminism with an emphasis on the Indonesian Suffrage March of 1905. He drives a cab.
Frank,
Toward the end of last semester, my girl started sleeping in my room almost every night. We were getting ready to leave for summer, so I went along with it. But how do I get across that some nights she just need to sleep at her place? Carlos Ah the classic girlfriend sidle. We don’t know how they do it, but eventually they always manage to invite themselves to stay. There’s no easy way out of this my friend, because clearly if you don’t want her there every night it means you don’t love her on those nights and that makes us wonder about how committed you really are to this whole thing and so… DO YOU SEE WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN? Get out! Get out now! Learn from my experience. She’ll never leave if you let her in, so get out!!!! FRANK THOUGHTS: “Think how much we’d save on utilities,” always sounds perfectly reasonable in the moment.
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Totally useless fact: Right-handed people live, on average; nine years longer than left handed people.
WHAT I USE IE FOR PRINTING A PAPER 5 MINUTES BEFORE IT IS DUE
REASONS TO MAKE A YOUTUBE ACCOUNT
SURFING THE WEB DOWNLOADING GRAPHICS CARD DRIVERS ON A NEW PC
WATCH 18+ CONTENT
UPLOAD VIDEOS
INSTALLING ANOTHER BROWSER
FIRST THING YOU SAY WHEN THERE’S AN ECHO
ANOTHER WORD
ARGUE WITH PEOPLE IN THE COMMENTS
HELLO!
TIMES I LOOK PRESENTABLE
SECONDS BEFORE A TORRENTIAL RAIN
SECONDS BEFORE GOING TO BED
ECHO!
Totally useless fact: Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.
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19
shut up and drive Dearest Frank,
Where has romance gone? I know you seem a funny guy to be asking this. But come on, you come from a more chivalrous time when men were actually gentlemen and treated ladies like ladies. How can you get the BOYS of my generation to learn a thing or two from the men in your era? Meredith Wait, how the f*** old do all you pissants think I AM? I’m old enough to remember Elvis, not Humphrey frickin Bogart, you turds. As to your question, don’t forget, a lot of that overly chivalrous stuff stemmed out of the attitude that women were pretty much helpless without a man to take care of her. So us not giving up seats on the bus is apparently a byproduct of suffrage rights or something. FRANK FACT: Sometimes it really is as simple as opening a goddamn door, fellas.
Dear Frank,
I smoke. I know it’s bad for you, but I like it. But holy hell every goody-goody around feels they have the right to mock me for it. How do I avoid being ostracized as a smoker. Simon I don’t know when this trend started either. I just know that on any given night I used to be able to reliably bum smokes outside all the college joints in town. These days? It’s like your entire generation suddenly started chewing gum! The only solution to your problem is to be cool. No I mean literally, you need to be a frickin rockstar so people see how cool smoking is again. So get on that. I’m old enough (apparently) that people just give me a pass. FRANK FACT: Frank will always let any college student bum a smoke. It’s like free entertainment watching them realize Winstons taste like motor oil.
Hola Frank,
Who told like every guy in college that Axe body spray in any way smells good? Alison
Frank,
Seriously what is up with all the hipsters? Who told them they’re cool? Can you please just tell them that the Beatniks did it first and did it way better. Move along please and buy a pair of jeans that fit. Marcie You know, I really would like to jump on the hipster-bashing bandwagon, but I secretly think those bearded lovers of irony might actually be as cool as they think they are. It’s just a feeling I have. And did you really ask me to comment on the Beatniks? Seriously, how old do you people think I am? FRANK FACT: Frank’s twenties were less Beatnik and more Pumping Gas in New Jersey for Beer Money.
Frank,
I see on your twitter that you’re an Android user, not an iPhone. THANK YOU for not feeding into more stupid Mac culture. I’m so sick of these Apple geeks constantly telling you, “Oh you have to get a Mac, you have to get an iPad.” No I don’t! And now I have Frank to prove it. Jeremy Um… I really don’t know what any of that meant. Campus Talk asked me to tweet. I said I needed an actual keyboard. That’s what they gave me. That’s as far as my decision making in the process went. But I’m glad it’s making you feel better about this little counter culture thing you seem to have going on. FRANK THOUGHT: Bacon.
k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal myc am fran
Every goddamn girl who gets into my cab on a Saturday night, that’s who! FRANK FACT: Frank blasts the air conditioning for ten minutes at the end of every shift just to get that smell out of his cab.
Frank!
Is there anything more glorious than bacon? Ryan Yes. Bacon in the shape of the Virgin Mary, which we could sell to somebody on eBay to buy more bacon. FRANK THOUGHT: Bacon.
Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 20
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Totally useless fact: Most collect calls are made on father’s day.
hahahaha
Remember
send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
I wrote a few children’s books... not on purpose. -- Steven Wright
America was not discovered by Americans shame on them.
Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. - Demetri Martin
- Douglas Adams Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”. - Demetri Martin
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn’t. It just eats another hummingbird. - Steven Wright
I went to call my friend, I said, “Hello, is Chris there?” The lady said, “You have the wrong number.” and I said, “No--I’m trying to avoid him.” - Demetri Martin I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. - Mitch Hedberg
Totally useless fact: Each of us generates about 3.5 pounds of rubbish a day, most of it paper.
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15 Love Sports
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME! By Joe Supervielle
Reasons
4 The December Championship Game 1 Waking Up To The NFL Countdown On Sunday Mornings
It’s Sunday – 11.30 a.m. You’re hung over, and you know that sleeping ‘till 2 p.m. will make Monday morning that much more of a bitch. So put on your favorite NFL pre-game show, get an hour of homework done and have a lazy, guilt-free 12 (or so) hours of football. Plus, it’s the perfect way to get the girlfriend out of the house for a while. Everybody wins here (except the Bucs and the Dolphins).
2 College Basketball
Basketball may not get very exciting until March, but there are worse ways to pass the time on a boring winter night. You know, like getting a job, cleaning your room, studying, calling your parents or taking an extra class or two.
3 Road Games
Home games are great, but so are road ones, especially if they’re not huge games that you’re dying to be at. At home, you can watch the flat screen TV (yea right, I wish), flip to other games, eat some good food and drink without having to worry about driving anywhere. Plus, that recliner is waaay more comfortable than bleachers. 22
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Family, home-cooked food and the biggest football game of the year make December my absolute favorite holiday month! Even if my team doesn’t win, it’s not as big of an upset as it would normally be, because, after all, I’m usually too full and too sleepy to get that worked up.
5 Caddyshack
This movie is so funny that it gets its own spot; however, it is not just a sports or golf movie – it’s a comedy that anyone can enjoy, and that’s one of the reasons why it makes this list. Also, there are so many quotes that I can’t even pick one, so, “You’ll get NOTHING and LIKE it!”
6 Tailgating
One day, I want one of those big SUV set ups that has a satellite TV, a huge grill, a kegorator, a canopy with multiple chairs, a fondue maker, an ice machine – the whole nine yards. Well, at least I want a friend with those things I can mooch off of.
7 Direct TV’s Sunday NFL Ticket
Every game, every week, this is one of the greatest ideas ever. Too bad it’s a monopoly that I can’t afford the package to. Guess I’m stuck with Dolphins and the Bucs games… and mooching off of tailgating friends who have satellites and plasma screens in their SUV’s.
8 IM sports
Intramural fields are the perfect place for athletes who couldn’t quite make it to the division-one level. It’s also the perfect place for guys, like me, who couldn’t even make the high school varsity team. Drunken co-rec kickball is one of my favorites.
9 WOW Moments
There are moments in sports when a collective team, or an individual, does something so amazing, that the only reaction is “WOW!” M.J., Deion Sanders, Tiger Woods and Robert Griffin III are just some of the many who have done it on a consistent basis; but, it can happen at anytime and by anyone, so be ready. Then again, be ready for the exact opposite, too: plays so bad or so dumb that your only reaction is “WOW!” Those are great, too, as long as they’re not by your team.
10 Video Games
For me, great sports video games go all the way back to the Atari days, when you could run your guy (and by guy, I mean the little yellow blur of a stick man) backwards to your own goal line, then cut down and back across for the 99-yard score. The computer’s defense would chase after you like first graders chasing after a soccer ball as you strolled to the end zone.
Totally useless fact: Women manage the money and pay the bills in 75% of all Americans households.
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME!
easons to
ports We’d list more, but we don’t have enough room for 10,987,978 more reasons. Instead, we chose the best! Deal with it, or forfeit your right to read this article!
11 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
They’re the originals, and they’re still the best American sweethearts around – you gotta love ‘em. But I hate those ads that temporarily block my view of short skirts, cowboy boots and hot, bare midriffs during commercial breaks! Damn you Coors Light, Cingular and everyone else. Some say the girls are offensive, but would you rather have a close up of 1) cheerleaders dancing in skimpy outfits or 2) Coach Jason Garrett in a sweatshirt? How about in slow motion? I’m guessing you went with No. 1!
12 Video Games – Part II
Wait; there’s more! On top of the Atari and the Madden series of football games, there were other memorable titles like Pebble Beach Challenge, NBA Jam, NHL ’93 (yes, the one where you can make Wayne Gretzky’s head bleed), Tiger Woods PGA Tour, and of course, WCW vs. NOW – World Tour. I never watched wrestling as a kid, except during 8th grade. And it was all because of that, one video game, which is perhaps the most trash-talking inducing activity possible – even more than beer pong.
Totally useless fact: It has NEVER rained in Calama, a town in the Atacama Desert of Chile.
13 Olympics
I love the Olympics – both the summer and the winter ones. A lot of people think they’re silly and don’t watch much besides the headlining events, but I look forward to them every two years or so. Then again, I watched multiple hours of “curling” these past winter games, too… so maybe it’s just me.
14 March Madness
Fill out your brackets, place your bets and try to keep up with all the action. My favorite part is when four staggered games end one after the other with each dramatic ending aired live. If you can go 10 solid minutes without blinking, you might not miss anything. The madness has dropped my spring GPA’s at least .5 over the last four years. Seriously, I’ve skipped class to watch so I could follow my bets. At least football is on the weekends.
15 Championships
Rough seasons, questionable coaching, insane owners, bad plays – these are the things that real fans might have to endure to make it that much sweeter when their team finally wins it all! As a sports fan (and college student), there is no greater satisfaction than scoring… especially when there’s a nice “V-card” involved!
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L I R AP
play with yourself
GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
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play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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Totally useless fact: Daylight Saving Time is not observed in most of the state of Arizona and parts of Indiana.
APRIL
you sooooo cheated
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: Butterflies taste with their hind feet.
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27
tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
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VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
Totally useless fact: It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.
all alone!
Single
. s V The relations hip By: Blair E
spring break
delman
Winner Single and Lovin’ it : Tie. H Drunken hook-ups. delic ook-ups c ious an be or in Committed and Crazy dr the STD w dirty… unk ay, Drunken fights. be dr en fights while ainin c dirty g or an … up af in the m saturday ter w ay. ake nights
shameful acts
Single and Loving it Occur late at night, Winner when I’m bored, when Embrace : Single. a I’m walking down the what you nd do “One fo want. street, in Grandma’s r all for m me and bathroom… e aga in!”
Committed and Crazy Occur mostly in my head.
holidays
Single and Lovin’ it Lonely. Beer, bad TV and one-night stands that won’t leave. Committed and Crazy Stressful. Gifts, reservations and outfit planning. Oh My.
cheating tendencies
Single and Lovin’ it On tests?
Committed and Crazy On the kitchen table before my girlfriend gets back from Pilates.
Single and Lovin’ it The world is your oyster. You do what you want
Committed and Crazy The world is your electric fence. You do whatever your significant other says.
Winner : Commit te Changin d. g clothes your bu 68 calori rns es per hou r.
Winner : Committe Single. d you say “w , can ed?” Tho hip-pug Good Bo ht so. y. Sit. Sta y.
remote control privileges
Single and Lovin’ it All mine. Where is it again?
Committed and Crazy Non-existent. Another long night of Lifetime.
Winner: Committed. Cheating on tests? Well, that breaks the “honor code” now, doesn’t it?
Winner: Single. No on e should be subjected to Lifetime.
Ditch Results: r and e n rt a p r u yo one e th be with est or b w o n k u yo er tt e b at least ember m y n a n a th osite of the opp lf. e rs u o y … x se
Totally useless fact: There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
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LOVELIFE BLUES
g n i Daiatry D
e visiting my Midsummer, my friend Lacey and I wer own. The night of cousin at a college that rivaled our named Daron our arrival, Lacey was texting a boy r and given she had flirted with a few months prio e been slightly him her number. Although she may hav ures about him tipsy, she remembered certain feat that she liked… a lot.
friends for me and my She said Daron had a bunch of hot evening anticipating the into cousin to choose from, so I went , openly wanted to hand r othe the on y, Lace h. a climactic finis up sleeping in his end she’d play hard to get but secretly knew e. hous frat messy loft in the ered what kind of guys As we got ready for a fun night, I wond co-eds and I aimed sexy r thei for n I’d meet. This college is know Little did I know how true to take advantage of that stigma. those words would be! dinner at a local pizza and After a quick and not-so-delicious headed over to a house pasta joint, the crew rounded up and I were beating all the and y Lace pus. party a few blocks off cam team of identical twins boys in beer pong until we ran into a a single shot. After e mad we re who literally beat us befo some twins offered to get hand the ak, stre ing winn crushing our ed hesitant at first seem y Lace us both drinks from the bar. a little pre-flirting never but decided to play along, figuring that hurt anyone. ted playfully jabbing At the bar, one of the twins, Jon, star at the party. shot best at me and telling me how I had the and sexily told hes punc k moc his at y I charmingly slapped awa ed up and perk Jon , that him I learned from experience. With handed us Evan her brot His e. stor y smiled like a kid in a cand towards ide outs me rted our drinks and Jon immediately esco charmed lly tota was I . time ne on-o onethe balcony for a little . girls on ing hitt by Jon and his smooth approach to
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of cockiness to him. He was a gentleman with a subtle hint we were going at it ents It’s no wonder that within a few mom elf! mys help dn’t on the balcony. I coul without saying a word It was then that Lacey grabbed me balcony. She started the of er and led me to the opposite corn her up for another ding stan was he how and n crying about Daro k about was thin d coul I party. I wanted to help her, but all d, but you all frien bad a me call can You . shirt ripping off Jon’s know you’ve been there before! went back to the bar to I finally calmed Lacey down and she if Jon was still leaning see to back ed look I tini. get another mar dn’t believe that he’d coul I . gone against the corner but he was than a few more for y Lace with even n’t was just take off. I ? gone have he minutes! Where the hell could ony, I went back inside to After browsing the rest of the balc keg. Sure enough, there he see if he was refilling his beer by the for himself. I went up and cup h fres was, pumping and pouring a He turned around startled grabbed his shoulders from behind. him the most seductive gave I rise. and looked at me with surp take me back to his place look ever and asked if he wanted to ked, he thought about it shoc tly for the after-party. Still sligh leading me to his car. for a second and grabbed my hand, will say that I woke up That’s all I’m going to tell you, but I . Curled up next to me over hang killer the next morning with a nightstand was my cell was the twin from the party. On the Evan Jones… read that se phone, purse and his licen
Totally useless fact: Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%
Quality, student-centric health care, right in the middle of campus. CALL FIRST to be seen:
(352) 392-1161
Get in. Get out. Get on with your life!
TIDD Vn FEV t GBDFCPPL DPN VGTIDD t UXJUUFS DPN VGTIDD FOLLOW @ufshcc
FIND & LIKE UF Student Health
VISIT & EXPLORE shcc.ufl.edu
SUMMER FUN! By Kelli McKinney
Loads of Fun with
CT’s Miniature
Football Since we know how boring your life is going to be this summer, we thought we’d help you out. We’ve come up with a revolutionary game that will entertain you, and anyone else you suck into playing, for hours upon hours. Okay, so this game has actually been occupying kids’ time in class since the dawn of man, playing it while their boring teachers drone on about things they’ll later wished they had paid attention to. But, we thought we’d reintroduce it to the college population and give you a chance to pass the time quicker when you’re stuck at your parents’ house while all your friends are gallivanting across the country on some cool summer trip.
Step 1:
Cut paper along solid lines to make three strips. Each will be used to create its own football.
1
Step 2:
Turn strip of paper over so that dotted lines are face down. Starting at the top left corner, fold along the diagonal then straight lines until you get to the last straight line.
Step 3: Fold the bottom left corner along the dotted line.
2
Step 4:
Fold bottom triangle along the straight line and tuck into the top triangle to create one triangle.
Step 5: Repeat Steps 2 through 4 for other two strips of paper.
4
3 play ball
In five easy steps, you’ll be ready to play against the most worthy of opponents with three amazingly folded paper footballs! We figured three would be more than enough to cover the ones that inevitably end up crumpled in the trash, because they poked your mom in the forehead one too many times. Basically, the rules are simple. Have your opponent stand on the opposite side of a table and make a goal post using his thumb and pointer fingers. You place one corner of the triangle on the table, holding it in place with your pointer finger. Then, taking the opportunity to hit him in the eye, nose or forehead, flick the football across the table in an attempt to get it through the “goal posts.” Best out of three wins, or until all the footballs end up in the trash. 32
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Totally useless fact: 60% of all people using the Internet, use it for pornography.
T AR ST
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BROKE AS A JOKE! By Lisa Echtenkamp
Credit for
Dummies (or College Students. What your parents haven’t told you.
And what the CC companies don’t want you to know!)
There is a three-digit number that is of great importance to your future. This number can determine whether or not you get approved for car loans and mortgages, how high your interest rates will be on loans, credit cards and insurance rates. . . even whether or not you are the best candidate for a job! Want to guess what it is? No, it’s not your weight. Or your BAC. It’s not even your GPA. Kids, I am talking about your credit score. Your credit score is figured on a scale of 400 to 900. The lower your score, the worse your credit rating is considered to be, and the greater the risk you present to lenders. The average credit score is 678… which is fair-to-good, but not great. The credit score is figured out by some very complicated formulas, and unfortunately, there is no magic key to fixing mistakes. But, here are some tips to maintain healthy credit that are simple and relatively painless.
Get low… with your balances
One factor used to determine your score is the difference between your balance, or the amount owed on your card, and your limit, what the maximum amount on the card is. If your cards are constantly maxed out, that isn’t a good sign, as it shows that you are likely spending money you can’t pay off. People who pay only the minimum amount each month run into this problem – the interest rate is just putting an amount close to the minimum payment right back on your card. Keep your balance at $0 or close to it… which means if you can’t pay for it outright or in budgeted installments, you shouldn’t put it on your card.
Size does matter… or length, anyway Late payments… are worse than late periods
Or just about. Few things can ding your score worse than a late payment (see settlements and charge-offs in the next tip). Set up an automatic reminder on your phone, computer, i-Thingy… whatever it takes to remind you to pay on time. And if you send your payment through the mail, send it a week to 10 days prior to the due date… just to be safe. Additionally, lenders often have late fees, which is just more money to owe. Which is just stupid.
Totally useless fact: The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The longer your credit history, then typically, unless you’ve muffed it up very badly, the higher your score. Especially if that history shows the responsible use of credit… no late payments, low balances, no charge-offs or settlements. A settlement is when your account gets seriously past due, and the company sends your account to collections in order to recoup something from you. If this happens, it is always better to pay promptly and the creditor may work with you. The charge-off, also called a write-off, is the devil – this is when the company gets no money from you and writes off the entire amount. Negative information like this can stay on your credit report for 7–10 years, so try to deal with the issue before it reaches this point.
These are just some very basic tips about credit from someone who has been in the dark… and paid for it dearly. For more information, talk to your local credit counseling agency, or visit the web sites of the three major credit-reporting bureaus, TransUnion, Experian, and Equifax, to learn more about credit. campus talk
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april 2013
35
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campus talk
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april 2013
Totally useless fact: Sex burns 360 calories per hour.
damned you siri
Totally useless fact: The pop you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas burning.
campus talk
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april 2013
39
charted
REASONS WHY I HAVE A BEARD BECAUSE I CAN
IT LOOKS GOOD ON ME
MY ABILITY TO TALK TO GIRLS MY ABILITY TO TALK TO A GIRL
IT KEEPS MY FACE WARM
SHAVING SUCKS HOW MUCH I LIKE THE GIRL
HOW MUCH TEENAGERS CARE ABOUT POLITICS ANY REGULAR TIME
VEGETABLES I ENJOY EATING
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
PIZZA THE SECOND THE INTERNET IS THREATENED
40
campus talk
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april 2013
Totally useless fact: You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
one line wisdom!
Scheck-isms for a r e m a c n o e You’r it kill ld u o W . e k a s ’s Christ nd a ir a h r u o y b you to com here’s t If ? t ir h s r u tuck in yo hese t k c a t t a t is r a terro s of e g a im t s la e could be th ee. s r e v e l il w e n you anyo
Be my friend on Facebook. Or maybe you think I’m creepy, in which case I’ll just keep stalking you in the conventional method: by looking in your window from my beat-up old van parked across the street.
Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
Spring is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
April 1 - June 22: The Quest For The Fountain of Youth at the Thomas Center April 5: Free Friday Concert Series at Bo Diddley Plaza April 6: Jest Fest at Bo Diddley Plaza April 6-7: Santa Fe Spring Arts Festival April 7: Outdoor Viewing of “The Yearling” at Matheson Museum April 8: HAIR at Phillips Center April 12: Free Friday Concert Series at Bo Diddley Plaza April 13: Jest Fest at Bo Diddley Plaza April 19: Free Friday Concert Series at Bo Diddley Plaza April 20: Jest Fest at Bo Diddley Plaza April 26: Free Friday Concert Series at Bo Diddley Plaza April 27: Jest Fest at Bo Diddley Plaza
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida Totally useless fact: Barbie’s measurements, if she were life-size, would be 39-29-33.
@ Gainesville
campus talk
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april 2013
41
THEY GOT FUNDING FOR THAT?
Science’s By Brian Hodges
Seemingly Stupidest
Studies Nobody’s debating that science has produced some worthwhile discoveries: penicillin, microchips and big, glorious fake boobs, to name just a few. Then again, some of their research just makes you scratch your head and ask, “Why?” These are, after all, the same people who gave us brocoflower, decaf coffee and the quadratic formula. When it comes to scientific data, there’s no telling what the discoveries will be, much less their real world impact. Here are some of the more seemingly ludicrous studies and experiments that have been conducted over the years, and a (somewhat generous) evaluation of what their discoveries could mean for you.
“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 1: Beer Makes Leeches Drunk
After the medical use of leeches made a comeback as a way to restore blood circulation, a group of Norwegian scientists conducted an experiment to see if beer (amongst other things) improved the little suckers’ response time. According to the study, after being dipped in Guinness, the leeches “changed behavior, swaying their forebodies, losing grip or falling on their backs.” Apparently, intoxication did not affect their need to suck nearly as much as most freshmen. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Forget salt. If you get drunk and fall into a stagnant pond, just crack open another Bud and let the leeches join the party.
42
campus talk
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april 2013
Totally useless fact: In a lifetime the average human produces enough quarts of spit to fill two swimming pools.
“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 2: Mallard Ducks Are Necrophiliacs
Mallards have always been particularly nasty birds, literally using rape as a normal reproductive strategy. But we didn’t know just how nasty they were until a Dutch ornithologist documented a case of one male mallard raping another male mallard for 75 straight minutes after it had died. The Mighty Ducks doesn’t sound like such a wholesome hockey team now, does it?! WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Don’t feed the ducks, for crying out loud! The park ranger put that sign up for a reason!
“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 3: Mikhail Gorbachev is Probably Not the Anti-Christ
Nearly every American of conscious age during the 1980s, at one point or another, thought this Communist leader might be the one who brought about the end of the world. But one mathematician wasn’t content to sit around and speculate. Comparing multiple numerologies of Gorbachev’s name against that famous 666 number in the Bible, it was proven, mathematically, that the odds of Gorbie starting Armageddon were “exactly” 860,609,175,188, 282,100 to 1. (That’s 860 quadrillion for those of you playing along). WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Stay focused on the target because, as we all know, the Kardashian’s popularity is the most blatant sign of the coming Apocalypse.
“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 4: People Can Swim Just As Fast In Syrup As In Water
Believe it or not, this has actually been a controversy that plagued physicists for hundreds of years. Even Isaac Newton could only theorize, unable to test the hypothesis since nobody could justify wasting so much edible food on such a silly experiment. It required, not surprisingly, an American scientist to make 16 people swim through a pool of water and a pool of guar gum, which according to official reports, “had the look and consistency of snot.” Each swimmer sliced through the liquid goo just as easily as the less-disgusting H2O, thus ending the generations-old debate and hopefully providing the inspiration for Ghostbusters III. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: You just never know! A bear might be chasing you through Vermont and your choice of escape route will be a swimming pool or a porn theater.
“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 5: HERRINGS COMMUNICATE BY FARTING
Hey, it’s not like they can use hand signals. But a group of Canadian scientists discovered that herrings “produce high-frequency sound bursts… accompanied by a fine stream of bubbles from the anal duct.” Combined with super-sensitive hearing, the fish use their anal orating skills to communicate after dark. The real question, though, is how these scientists managed to analyze any of their data between all the giggling fits they must have broken into. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Nothing! You are not a fish! Go ask someone else to pull your finger. Totally useless fact: The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30ft.
campus talk
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43
CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2013
Fools’ Day “Prankster”
I
n recognition of your endless inept and primitive attempts to “pull one over” on your fellow man. A practitioner of the phrase, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” you endeavor to trick and gag with whatever drag of a joke you stumbled upon on the Internet. Far beneath the holiday’s tradition of clever mischief, you resort to the more elementary poppycock of fake deaths and the supposed spreading of diseases. Not only do you ruin a day made for those with wit and timing, but you also embarrass the poor fools who, for some reason, remain your friends after last year’s botched attempt to partake in this once-merry holiday. presented by signed date
Shape up
Fitness
Gear AirBudz
An alternative earbud attachment that can be utilized while listening to music safely in environments where it’s necessary to be aware of your surroundings. Use them while you’re running, hiking, skiing, biking, working out or just walking. $15.95 SafeSoundProducts.com
Trademark University of North Florida with Mascot image Ultra cotton comfort for the softest feel against your skin. The University of North Florida crewneck T-shirt features a seamless collar for added comfort. Made from 100 percent cotton. $21.98 PrepSportswear.com Royal blue Property of Santa Fe Basketball 2013 $31.99 PrepSportswear.com
Gaiam Yoga Socks
Rodney Yee Power Up Yoga
Put your entire sole into your yoga practice! Now you don’t even need your mat to get into those favorite poses. The five-toe targeted traction design of these socks gives you a non-slip surface anytime, anywhere, to increase balance and stability. All Grip. No Slip. $8.99 Target.com, Gaiam.com
A combination of cardio and strength-focused yoga practices from renowned yogi Rodney Yee. This total-fitness based approach to yoga emphasizes strength and flexibility and is designed to increase one’s overall fitness level. Gaiam.com $14.98
Maya Fiennes Yoga for Real Beauty This fun, uplifting and inspirational routine is designed to stimulate all of the chakras – your body’s energy centers – in order to achieve happiness and harmony. Following the Kundalini practice, Maya Fiennes uses powerful motions, chanting and breathing to help you create and welcome beauty into your life. Gaiam.com $14.98
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april 2013
Totally useless fact: Most Egyptians died by the time they were 30 about 300 years ago.
EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK!
6 Foods
By Brian Hodges
You Should Never Eat Lest You Become An Insufferable Snob College will be the last time in your life when you’re not too snobby for bunk beds, beer can artwork and communal showers. But just because your tastes in wall art and foot fungus will change, it doesn’t mean your palate for cheap college food has to go with it. The trick is being vigilant about not eating certain things, lest they ruin perfectly good edible crap for the rest of your life and turn you into an insufferable snob. DARK BEER
FRESHLY GROUND COFFEE
A few years from now when you decide to get married, you’ll be tempted to register for a coffee grinder. You’ll also be tempted to register for a juicer and pasta maker that you’ll never take out of the box. But at least those are victimless gifts. Just be warned, as soon as you drop coffee beans into that grinder, your days of drinking regular old Joe are over. Once that sweet and earthy aroma wafts into your nostrils and you realize that coffee doesn’t actually have to taste like dog excrement, you’ll never stomach another cup of gas station sludge again. This may not sound so bad, but believe me, your friends are going to stop inviting you over after the fifth or sixth bitchy dissertation you make over their economysized tub of Folgers.
STEAK FROM ANY HALFWAYDECENT TEXAS STEAKHOUSE
You never knew how sucky every steak you ever ate was until you set foot in a Saltgrass, Hofbrau or Big Texan. That’s why my advice to you is this: DON’T GO! Unless you plan to settle down in the Lonestar State, avoid it completely. Either that or eat salad the entire time you’re there because you’ll never be able to enjoy the floppy leather they serve at Outback again after cutting into a steak that was raised, butchered and cooked by the only people on earth who know how to do it right. And then the rest of us will be forced to muzzle you every time we fire up the grill.
Totally useless fact: A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
At some point, every one of us must graduate from the flat pisswater of our youth. But stick to Amstel Light when your palate matures. Why? Because an Amstel drinker is content to sit back and enjoy his beer. But woe is the guy whose friend recently sampled his very first Guinness. Lordy, get ready for an hour-long history of beer, complete with a tutorial on the differences between stouts, porters and the rest of the suds subgenres. The douche factor doubles for anyone who has traveled throughout Europe. Seriously dude, none of us want to hear about how they do things in Ireland or why our choice of beer had a substandard fermentation process. We just want to get drunk in peace. So, unless you’re mature enough to leave us alone, do the world a favor and stick to Budweiser.
QUICHE
There’s not a straight man in this world who actually likes this froufy-frou-frou food, so why take the chance that you might? You’ll only sound like a tool every time you ask what the special is at brunch.
ANY WINE THAT DOESN’T COME FROM A BOX
All over Europe, the people can simply drink their wine and enjoy the fact that it’s socially acceptable to get drunk during their lunch break. But Americans are mostly incapable of drinking wine without feeling the need to talk about wine. And quite frankly, the rest of us don’t want to listen to you prattle on about bouquets, finishes and the subtle body differences between a particular ‘97 pinot noir and its ‘98 unfiltered counterpart. If you want to drink, stick to the Wine Cube. If you want to talk about drinking, go to A.A.
PRETTY MUCH ANY FOOD WITH THE NAME OF A CITY IN THE TITLE
Philly Cheese Steaks, New England Clam Chowder, Chicago Style Hotdogs. One of the great joys of the summer road trip is sampling all the foods that made a region famous. But be careful because as soon as you return home, you’re going to be awfully sad to find out those “Jersey Shore Fries” at the mall are never quite as crispy and tangy as the ones you got at the actual Shore. Meanwhile, the rest of us who are just fine with soggy fries have to endure another round of your stupid digital pictures while listening to you bitch and moan. Either eat the food and shut up about it or stick to McDonald’s for the duration of your trip. campus talk
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47
FEMMES ON FILM! Sex And The City (2008)
If only we could all be dating New York’s most sought-after bachelor (enter: Mr. Big) and wear the most gorgeous wedding dress in the world, literally! For now, we’ll just have to live through the lives of the most popular foursome on the big screen: Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte.
The Notebook (2004)
Who would’ve thought that a sheltered, rich socialite could perfectly pair with a blue-collar townie from a low-income family? In the ultimate fairytale land, you and your friends are all Rachel McAdams. In reality, you’re all more like Ugly Betty.
Cocktail (1988)
5
By Rachel Sokol
must-see
chick
flicks
While guys wish that girls possessed a secret stash of porn DVDs equal to their own massive collection, women have something better – knowledge of the five must-see girl movies EVER made. And no, Pretty Woman is not on the list. Read up and reminisce about how amazing Hollywood can be… and how dismally disappointing your real life truly is. Just kidding… we know you’re perfectly happy stripping your way through college.
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What girl doesn’t want to see a sexy Tom Cruise mixing drinks for two straight hours on film? While he may be currently crazier than every character in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest combined, Tommy Boy can still make your heart race faster than Charlie Sheen’s after a night of heavy partying in Hollywood.
Moonstruck (1987)
It’s always a pleasure when you get to see a film starring Cher before she turned into a prop from House Of Wax. Better yet, Moonstruck’s got a young Nic Cage before he ever thought he was a good actor. Imagine that! All that’s missing here for the trifecta is a shirtless Patrick Swayze montage!
The Princess Bride (1987)
If you’re like any normal girl, you grew up wishing you were Buttercup, waiting patiently for her loving Wesley to come rescue her. Then you became a young woman and realized the only time a guy will risk life and limb on your behalf is if you’re offering him a threesome with your hot roomie or if free beer is involved. Oh well, I guess that’s why they call it a fairytale.
Totally useless fact: One third of all cancers are sun related.
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Totally useless fact: It has been estimated that humans use only 10% of their brain.
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RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
What gets wette#1 r as it dries?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
from this Remove six letters a familiar sequence to reveal English word. EARS BSAINXLEATNT
#2
1) Towel, 2) Rainbow, 3) Shirt, 4) Footsteps, 5) Bananas
lue, and b , d e r It’s green; d n a e purpl ch it, a e r n a c no one the queen. n not eve ? it What is 50
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#3
What has a neck and no head, two s? d n a h o n t u b s m r a
#4
The more you take , the more you leave beh ind.
Totally useless fact: 1 in 8 Americans has worked at a McDonalds restaurant.
hahahaha What did the fish say when she ran into a wall? - Dam.
Remember
send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
How do you organize a space party? You planet. What do you call a fake noodle? Impasta. Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? - A FRISBEE!
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat? - Claude
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? - IT WAS IN TENTS
What is the difference between 10 and 3? “7” Knock-knock. Who’s there? Doorbell repairman.
Totally useless fact: The strongest muscle (Relative to size) in the body is the tongue.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. - Jackie Mason I am a Patriot who believes you should never burn the American flag. Because I’m an environmentalist I recommend boiling the American flag. - David Feldman
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Music Reviews
By Daniel Sutphin
Tune In Turn On Plug In By Daniel Sutphin
How to Destroy Angels Welcome Oblivion Where many industrial/ electronic imitators lack the creativity, timing and ear to keep their music new and interesting, Nine Inch Nails front man and creator, Trent Reznor, continues to rock and fascinate, this time with the group How To Destroy Angels. On Welcome Oblivion Reznor deploys many of the heart thumping, deep throbbing and melodic pieces that took his previous band to the top. Reznor sings back ups to wife, Mariqueen Maandig. The vocals range from melodic and catchy to incoherent effects weaving in and out of the instrumentation. Standouts include “How long?,” “Welcome Oblivion,”“Ice age” and ”Too late, all gone.” 52
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Sound City Real to Reel As one could imagine, there are not many slow points on this album. The soundtrack to Dave Grohl’s directorial debut, “Sound City,” a documentary film about the history of Los Angeles recording studio Sound City Studios, Real to Reel features a slew of musicians ranging from Stevie Nicks, Paul McCartney and Rick Springfield to Corey Taylor, Josh Homme and Trent Reznor. Dave Grohl sits in on each track and his influence is clear on every song, which is a good thing, whether it is the production, drums, vocals or overall structure and style of the songs. The most notable of the many standouts are “Centipede” with Josh Homme, “Cut Me Some Slack” with Paul McCartney and “Mantra” with Josh Homme and Trent Reznor.
Bajofondo Presente Combining, Latin, jazz-fusion, rock and even some electronic synth, Bajofondo brings these various genres into a strong, focused sound. Blending instrumental and some Spanishlanguage vocals, the album shoots from traditional Latin tango to something bordering the more progressive work of Frank Zappa. The downside: far too many tracks for a single album. There are plenty of good listens, but with the short attention spans that embody the general listener, the standouts could easily be lost in the mix of the four- to five-minute long, 21 tracks. Standouts include “Segundos Afuera,” “Nocturno” and “Sabelo.”
Wild Belle Isles Overall a difficult listen, Isles drags regrettably on through 10 empty tracks. The overall sound of the album is tinny and thin, combined with an overabundance of soulless, often times annoying vocals. The primary vocalist of the sibling duo, Natalie Bergman’s blasé approach to the nasally vocals further inhibits the music, sounding more like an Amy Winehouse reggae album after the meth addiction. Most of the songs are difficult to listen to all the way through. The slightly redeemable moments include “Another girl” and “Backslider.”
David Bowie The Next Day Being critically hailed as one of the best comebacks in Rock n’ Roll history, David Bowie’s The Next Day is his first new studio release in 10 years. The album flows smoothly from track to track, rekindling many tones and nuances of the previous sounds that spanned his long career. Unlike many other aging rockers, Bowie has maintained his complex croon – a gentle, but strangely harsh tone, backed by a creepy undertone. Much like his voice, the music on The Next Day provides many layers. Upon first glance, the songs come off with a classic rock sound, but listen closer and notice a slew of effects and tones – the self-harmonized vocals and the layering of instruments – that have become paramount to the Bowie formula. Standouts include the single, “The stars (Are Out Tonight),” “I’d Rather Be High,” “Boss of Me” and “(You Will) Set The World On Fire.”
Totally useless fact: 70% of all boats sold are used for fishing.
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Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Injustice: Gods Among Us PS3 Xbox 360 Wii U April 16 In a genre often bogged down by an influx of repetitive, story-less games, DC Comics and the makers of Mortal Kombat have introduced a deeper story for Injustice, flipping many of the common mythos of the DC heroes and villains. Pitting the characters against one another in the battle arena, the game is set in a world of destruction, with Metropolis ruined and millions dead. Players can use the characters’ powers and strengths to fight through multitiered arenas by hurling opponents through buildings and launching them off cliffs. The game features many of DC’s best characters, including: Batman, Lex Luthor, Green Arrow, The Joker, Green Lantern, Cyborg, The Flash, Harley Quinn, Nightwing, Solomon Grundy, Superman, Wonder Woman and many others. 54
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Star Trek: The Game Xbox 360 PC PS3 April 23 Although history has often left the gaming world disappointed with movie-based games, developers Digital Extremes, Paramount Digital and Namco are releasing Star Trek: The Games. Based on J. J. Abrams reboot of the story, Star Trek casts players as Captain James T. Kirk and Spock in a new style of co-op experience, which stands as the most intriguing angle of the game. Although nothing special about the graphics, the complementary personalities of the famous duo push players to make strategic use of their alliance. Kirk and Spock must work together to stop an enemy race bent on conquering the galaxy.
Dead Island Riptide PC Xbox 360PS3 April 23 Although providing new features on the zombie franchise, Dead Island Riptid brings back the basic attacks as well as the kick and throw, allowing players to get back into the groove of fighting leftover from previous titles. The graphics look standard for the first-person shooter genre and the weapon selection allows players to switch between weapons mid-attack. Dead Island Riptide reanimates the zombie terror for a second battle for life against the dead, as well as the monsoon-soaked elements of the island.
Defiance PC Xbox 360 PS3 April 2 Tied in with a new SyFy series of the same name, Defiance blends the third-person shooter style with an MMOG creating a seamless open world for players to roam. The game and show will influence and depend on each other, and even feature some players’ characters on the TV shows as extras. The game continues whether you are present or not. You’re never taken out of the seamless open world as far as transitioning from different areas. The developers added a variety of vehicles to navigate the terrain. They also threw in thousands of weapons to choose from, many of which you can modify and customize throughout the game. Defiance is set on a future Earth, introducing players and viewers to a world where humans and aliens live together on a planet transformed by decades of conflict.
Soul Sacrifice Vita April 30 This PS3 Vita action game is a co-op full of brutal combat and consequential gameplay choices. Players can take on the role of a slave who stumbles upon a forbidden book that allows its readers to relive battles between sorcerers and monsters of the past. Before going on a quest, players can select which spells to bring, such as distorting your hand into a seething hammer, or wielding a sword of fire. In order to use the magic during fierce battles, the player must be willing to make a sacrifice in exchange, ranging from personal belongings, a limb, or even a life.
Totally useless fact: A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
ANIMATED FANTASY
Cartoon
By Brian Hodges
We Wish Were Human
(and of age)
All the experts want to blame those increasingly provocative movies and TV shows for our generation’s preoccupation with sex. But let’s be honest here, you’re a guy and you think dirty thoughts during even the most innocent of Disney movies. In fact, you’ve probably had a fantasy or two about those sweet and innocent princesses your sister grew up watching. These are the top five cartoon ladies we’d all like to meet in the flesh.
Ariel The Little Mermaid Even without legs, this svelte little redhead looks awesome in nothing more than a pair of seashells. And, you just know she’s all about doing it in water. Downside? Crabs.
Rainbow Brite Rainbow Brite You know it as well as I… few things would be hotter than this girl’s strip tease as she eased off those rainbow striped leggings one by one and proceeded to give you the most colorful night of your life. Downside? That “barber pole” stain she leaves you with won’t fade for weeks.
Smurfette The Smurfs Everyone loves a damsel in distress and this dainty little cutie in the summer dress had the role down pat. Downside? She’s been the lone woman amongst a thousand men for like twenty years. Who knows what sorts of STD’s (Smurfily Transmitted Diseases) she’s contracted.
Totally useless fact: Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Drizella & Anastatia Cinderella They may not have the hotness factor of everyone else on this list. But you’ve gotta know that since Cinderella went off and married her prince, they’re feeling so lonely and insecure that they’d sleep with anyone. This is probably your best shot at that sister fantasy you’ve always contemplated. Downside? Their aging decrepit mother will try to seduce you if she’s been drinking.
Miss Pac Man Miss Pac Man Okay, she’s technically more video game than cartoon, but no two ways about it, this chick is quite incredibly, quite undeniably, quite orally fixated. And that little pink bow she wears only makes it hotter. Downside? She has a nasty habit of biting down repeatedly in the heat of the moment.
Honorable Mention: Lucy Van Pelt Peanuts Anyone that angry and sadistic simply must have a dominatrix outfit somewhere in her closet. Downside? She uses post-coital snuggling to dispense psychiatric advice one nickel at a time. campus talk
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GADGETS AND MORE
Gearing Up for Spring Panasonic Lumix DMCTS20 16.1 Megapixel Digital Camera
Bullhorn Speaker
A party isn’t a party without music. Bring the tunes to the beach, bonfire or wherever your trip may take you with this Bullhorn Speaker. Slip your iPhone into the base of this vibrant portable amplifier and enjoy your favorite hits from anywhere. $10 www.cwonder.com
Marley’s Mellow Mood
While reggae music and Bob Marley have becoming synonymous with themes of relaxation, Marley’s Mellow Mood expands the leisure lifestyle even more. With delicious flavors like Black Tea, Lite Tea Lemonade or Sparkling Citrus and Berry, these beverages are a must-have to relax and enjoy the sunny seasons. drinkmarley.com FrameShift Pro Although finding shortcut ways to prop your iPad up for viewing can be inventive, it’s dangerous to the device. The sturdy FrameShift Pro iPad stand is constructed of aluminum featuring a hand brushed finish, military grade abrasion resistant rubber padding and stainless steel hardware. $159 store.igproducts.us/
Vacations may not last forever, but you’re memories of them can. Catpure those favorite moments with the stylish yet rugged Panasonic Lumix. With a waterproof feature it’s perfect for snapping pics on shore or near the water. You can even choose from several bold, standout colors. shop.panasonic.com
Oakley’s Aquatique Frogskins
Nothing squashes the sun’s intensity like a solid pair of sunglass. This spring and summer make a statement by rocking Oakley’s limited edition Aquatique Frogskins for guys and girls. Inspired by the Seven Seas, these retro-cool shades are splashed with sun-drenched colors and hues that range from fiery yellows and coral oranges to kelp greens and deep sea blues. $120 www.oakley.com
FrameShift Mini
Being new on the market, finding a sturdy stand for your device can be frustrating. The FrameShift Mini iPad stand supports both the iPad Mini and iPhone 5. Built from aircraft-grade anodized aluminum and militarygrade rubber, the adjustable stand provides a range of angles. It’s available in red and gray versions. $79 store.igproducts.us/
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Totally useless fact: The serial number of the first MAC ever produced was 2001.
GADGETS AND MORE The Norm 5
Providing simplicity and style for mounting an iPhone 4 or 5 in the car, the Norm uses a specially treated binder clip and foam-wrapped arms to hold a device (without case) to the vents on your car’s dashboard. Once on the vents, an iPhone rests conveniently in the driver’s view to see who’s trying to make contact, for operating maps, listening to music or podcasts or other apps that enhance your day-to-day in-car experience. $35 store.igproducts.us/
MyColdSnap Not to be confused with a koozie, Cold Snap excels where the koozie fails. Recently featured on NBC series, Shark Tank, MyColdSnap is a cooling system using two basic components: ice and water. The double wall construction insulates the beverage while the ice and water surrounding the can keeps it cold, without watering down the beverage. MyColdSnap doesn’t sweat, is dishwasher safe and, for those hot summers spent by the pool, it even floats! $24.99 (Set of 4) www.ordermycoldsnap.com
Sonic Alert: Alarm Clock with Super Shaker™ - SB200ss
Waking up for class is hard enough with a good night’s rest; after a long night of studying it can be even tougher. The SB200ss helps to eliminate the risk of oversleeping. The bedside alarm uses an extra-loud alarm for sleep/wake confidence, a large display and a powerful bed shaker, allowing others to sleep while you wake to the quiet vibrating bed shaker. $44.95 www.sonicalert.com
ecbc Hercules Laptop Backpack The Traveler Featuring two suction cups, that enable users to attach a phone directly to a car windshield or other glass surface, the Traveler makes all device controls easy to reach. Designed for use with iPhone 3GS and iPhone 4, the Traveler also works with any other mobile device with a smooth back. The Traveler is compatible with Apple’s Bumper case and other cases with a smooth back.
The Hercules Laptop Backpack is crafted from the most durable “Outdoor Industry Tested” 1000d Kodra material with water repellent coating. Integral to the flexible design is the TSAcompliant compartment, which allows you to just unzip the back panel of the backpack, lay it down flat and run it through the scanner. Your computer stays protected in its own padded compartment and there is no need to load and unload the laptop in and out of the plastic bins.
$10.00 store.igproducts.us/
$139.99 EC-BC.com
Totally useless fact: It takes about 142.18 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie pop.
Divoom: Bluetone-SOLO
Perfect or at home or on the go, the Divoom is a portable Bluetooth speaker combining stereo and hands-free speakerphone. You can daisy chain multiple speakers together and wirelessly connect up to 33 feet away. It also features an X-Bass sound system that has the patented PO-Bass Technology to provide $49.90 www.divoomusa.com
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Did you know…
5 By Laura aIUto
Things You Didn’t Know
About…
Your Car Clean, dirty, old or new, your car will always be there for you – unless it’s stolen…
Smart law As hardy as a cockroach
Cockroaches can withstand ten times as much radiation as a human and, apparently, so can your car. According to a test done by the U.S. government, your car would hold up surprisingly well to a nuclear attack, with no worse damage than a few broken windows. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t be around to use it…
Dashboard… or toilet seat?
The typical car has 283 different types of bacteria present in every square centimeter (the same as the average toilet seat!). That doesn’t even include the moldy monsters growing on the fast food wrappers littering your backseat.
Want to increase your chances of surviving a crash by 50 percent? Wear your seatbelt! It was designed to keep you in the car – duh – but also to spread the force of the impact over the more resilient parts of your body.
Spring Break x 2
You will spend two weeks of your life waiting for traffic lights to change. That’s a trip to Costa Rica AND the Keys!
How (humanly) old is your car? To find out how old your car is in human years (similar to finding your dog’s age in human years), divide the mileage on your car’s odometer by the year it was made. The answer is your car’s age!
Totally useless fact: You were born with 300 bones, but by the time you are an adult you will only have 206.
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CHARTED
HOW PEOPLE REACT WHEN I TELL THEM I’M STUDYING ENGINEERING “WOW, YOU MUST LIKE MATH!”
“COOL, WHAT FIELD?”
“SO, YOU WANT TO DRIVE TRAINS?”
ACCORDING TO TEACHERS, YOUR CLASS... HAD THE LOWEST TEST GRADES EVER.
IS THE LOUDEST CLASS THEY’VE EVER TAUGHT.
IS A GOOD CLASS. LEAVES THE ROOM THE MOST DIRTY AND UNORGANIZED.
TOOK THE LONGEST TO LEARN THE SUBJECT.
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Totally useless fact: 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared someway or another on television.
CHARTED
WHY I’M ASHAMED TO BE A CANADIAN WE PRONOUNCE “OUT” AS “OOT” OUR COPS ARE CALLED “MOUNTIES” WE SAY “EH” AT THE END OF EVERY WE CELEBRATE SENTENCE THANKSGIVING IN OCTOBER
JUSTIN BIEBER IS FROM CANADA
WHEN TYPING “LOL”
ACTUALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD AS EXPRESSIONLESS AS KRISTEN STEWART
Totally useless fact: The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’
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spotted!
Pain & Gain
Spot The Differences
APRIL 26, 2013
Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Rebel Wilson, Ken Jeong
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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.
Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.
Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.
From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.
Totally useless fact: The Human eyes never grow, but nose and ears never stop growing.
spotted!
CHECK
LIST
1) Car badge missing, 2) the word Formula missing from side of car, 3) Whalberg's watch missing, 4) logo missing from Johnson's shorts, 5) Post behind Johnson's head is missing, 6) Tree missing from background, 7) Tattoo Missing, 8) Shorts are different color, 9) Grass missing from foreground
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Fresh!
Spring By Danielle Boudreau
Beauty Sonia Kashuk Ultimate Weekender, Yarn This colorfully designed bag highlights the hottest colors of the season while brightening up your makeup routine. $29.99 Target
Sonia Kashuk Foldover Frame Clutch, Dots Welcome the warm weather in style with Sonia’s spring clutch that offers a simple way to update your look. $16.99 Target
Sonia Kashuk Brush Couture Four-Piece Brush Set
John Masters Organic Bar Soap; Orange & Ginseng Exfoliating Body Bar Formulated with organic orange and lime peels to gently exfoliate skin, leaving skin feeling clean and soft. $8 www.johnmasters.com
John Masters Lip Calm
This lemony fresh scented lip balm offers protection while soothing and moisturizing with the finest organic ingredients including olive, jojoba and borage oils. $6 www.johnmasters.com
Freshen up your look with these decorative mini makeup brushes that are perfect for travel. $12.99 Target
NEW Pure Bliss Body Lotion
This skin softening body lotion works to relax the body and soul by promoting feelings of serenity and peace of mind. $22 www.kneippus.com
Kneipp Juniper Muscle Soother Body Wash Formulated with juniper berry essential oil, this aromatic body wash improves circulation to ensure that your muscles feel loose and totally soothed. $15 www.kneippus.com
“Part of the Tribe” 6-Piece Brush Set
Inspired by stunning hand woven textiles, The woven zip-around case doubles as a clutch. $24.99 Target
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Totally useless fact: If Texas were a country, its GNP would be the fifth largest of any country in the world.
Fresh! Eye’m Tired by Hard Candy
If you had a rough night, roll this anti-puffing serum gently under your eyes – its rollerballs will massage away the night before, leaving you looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. $5 Available at Walmart Stores and Walmart.com GloDust 24K by Glo Minerals Dust up your beauty routine with this fabulous line of skin friendly and antioxidant rich products. This shimmering sparkling can be shimmered onto the face, body or hair, giving you a subtle sexy gleam. $38.50 www.gloprofessional.com
Brightening Facial Towelettes Perfect for on-the-go use to ensure your face is as bright and fresh as when you left the house. $5.99 www.yestocarrots.com, Target, Walgreens, Ahold
Sonia Kashuk NEW Ultra Luxe Lip Gloss This next-generation lip gloss formula delivers beautiful, buildable color with instant softness and multi-dimensional shine. $8.99 Target
TL Communications Nail Trio This set of 3 fast-drying, extra-long wear nail polishes are sure to become a staple in your collection. $28 Topshop, www.topshop.com
TL Communications Brush Set This hot pink five-piece set contains soft and luxurious brushes for the face, eyes and lips. $24 Topshop, www.topshop.com
Sonia Kashuk NEW Chic Luminosity Highlighter Stick Moisturize, protect and add a subtle tint to lips in one simple step with this luxe lip balm. $8.99 Target
Totally useless fact: There are 1 million ants for every human in the world.
China Glaze Nail Polish in Splish Splash Celebrate summer with a splash of something blue. This bright sky blue shimmer will remind you the sky really is the limit. $4–7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze Nail Polish in Orange You Hot? You are hot aren’t you? No really, that’s the name of this bright orange shade touched with glimmering gold. $4–7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide campus talk
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HEADER ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!
How 2 Open By Ami Gavarian
Your Own Offshore
Account If you ever get the money to do it
Origin of the term “offshore account”
This term was coined for the Channel Islands that are located offshore from mainland Britain. Coincidentally, it qualifies as a “tax haven” nation, too. Today, offshore accounts can be found inland, as well. Money is money, even in Bratislava.
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For decades, the term “offshore account” has been synonymous with illegal activities, drug money and, obviously, Scarface. While all three are certainly prevalent in the realm of international banking, a world of legal banking also exists, and you just may qualify to invest. Of course, I’m not sure how much payback you’ll see on an investment of three Cheetos and a Canadian penny.
Opening an account
Thanks to the glorious wonder of technology, any Joe Schmo can open, access and operate his/her offshore account from the comfort of his/her recliner chair in the TV room. All banking can be done via the internet, fax, phone, email and (if you still haven’t joined us in the 21st century) postage mail. You can also obtain a credit/debit card from most offshore banks that are accepted nearly everywhere in the world. This way, you can sell 100 kilos of cocaine and have the money laundered instantly from the comfort of your yacht.
Totally useless fact: On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
BAILEYSGYM.COM
YOUR SUMMER BODY IS WAITING
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Pros
Cons
Representation Without Taxation: “Tax haven”- status nations offer cheaper tax rates to individuals and businesses from other countries. That means you get to keep more of that money you pimped from your prostitution ring.
Don’t Have A Cash Cow, Man: Think you can just sign up for an offshore account? Think again. It usually takes between $100,000 and $1 million in investments to open your own account. Back to Carlos’ farm for you, my friend!
Protect Your Ass-ets: Can’t pay up on your outstanding debts? Don’t let the repo man seize your stuff when you can simply allocate some of your assets to an offshore account.
The Taxman Cometh: Leave it to the government to find a way to get your money, even if it’s out of the country. The IRS has removed many loopholes that used to be in place, so it’s much harder to invest internationally and come away unscathed by the federal income tax. Regardless, the taxation doesn’t hurt that much for some foreign investors… mostly because they’re millionaires in the first place.
Diversify Yo’ Bonds: Itching to put your money into, say, horticultural studies? Skip the hassles of archaic American laws, and invest in various international companies – like Carlos’ Cocaine Farm in Colombia – rather than squandering your money in local investment opportunities that, ahem, get smoked by the global competition. All By Myself: The one thing wealthy investors want (besides more money) is the comfort of knowing that their information is secured and kept private. Thanks to international banking laws, offshore banks are required to keep confidential any and all info about its investors. This also allows the rich to keep the cash in their corner by boxing out the uninformed, who will never be privy to which investments are most lucrative.
Setting Sail
Some places to consider looking at if you’re serious about running a major drug cartel, international crime syndicate or investing in bananas: Aruba, Bahamas, Bermuda, British Virgin Islands, Cayman Islands, Isle of Man and Switzerland. Of course, you can always put your money locally into Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffle. I hear trans fat is making a strong comeback.
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Totally useless fact: Every year 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
FREE TAN
PRESENT THIS COUPON FOR ONE FREE TANNING VISIT
*First time visit only. Not valid with any other offer. See club for details. Offer expires 4/30/13. Campus Talk.
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LONG-LOST TWINS!
HILARIOUS
Celebrity
animal lookalikes Have you ever been watching TV one night, when all of the sudden, you realize that Flavor Flav looks like an evil Gremlin? Of course you have… you’re in college. And you were probably drunk. But fear not! Your constant inebriation has not gotten the best of your vision… at least not this time. Put down the milk, lest you squirt it out your nose, ‘cause you’re about to see the funniest pics of famous folks who look like they belong on the Funny Farm instead!
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Totally useless fact: Length of beard an average man would grow if he never shaved 27.5 feet
Totally useless fact: The average person spends about two years on the phone in a lifetime.
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CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS
PRIZES
EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE
STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT
TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE
Totally useless fact: 400-quarter pounders can be made from 1 cow.
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Totally useless fact: Coca-Cola was originally green.
Totally useless fact: Hong Kong holds the most Rolls Royceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s per capita.
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Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Totally useless fact: Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: A full-loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes at least 20 minutes to stop.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
APRIL
SUDOKU QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
where’s frank?
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
Totally useless fact: Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
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hahahaha I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg
Remember
send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
“He should be so lucky.” NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell, on an erroneous closed-caption news report that her husband, Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, had been hospitalized “with an enlarged prostitute.” He had undergone prostate surgery.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless. - Mitch Hedberg
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you fall down a manhole and die. - Mel Brooks If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. I’ve felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid.
I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo. Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen. -Extract from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop
- James Demastus
Totally useless fact: Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
CT MEETS… Meet Alexander Dipersia, rising star and actor in the new ABC Family movie, Lovestruck. Dipersia talks about memorable moments from the set, what it’s like working with costars Jane Seymour and Sarah Paxton, and his hopes for the future.
So tell me about Lovestruck? It’s a love story about two people – played by Sarah Paxton and me – who face challenges and must prove how strong their love is. A very magical element is introduced when Jane Seymour takes a potion that makes her young again, and then goes on a mission to prove that I’m not a suitable lover for her daughter. My challenge is to show her that I’m right for her daughter, with a slightly magical twist. What audience is Lovestruck geared towards? I think young people will really like it and enjoy the music, which includes great songs by Lady Gaga and Whitney Houston as well as some original songs that Sara and I sing as duets. I think it can also appeal to an older crowd who know what it’s like to be young and fall in love. The music hits across the board, the story hits across the board, and anybody who gets the chance to watch it will be entertained. What was it like working with Jane Seymour? Oh man, it was great. I’d watched Jane since I was a kid. She’s 60 years old, but she’s as beautiful and wonderful as anyone you could imagine, so working with her was a really great experience. And she can dance. There are some dance moves that she does in the movie that you would never imagine, moves that would have landed me in the physical therapist’s office for a month [laughing].
Alexander Dipersia
How were you cast for the movie? It was a pretty funny casting process. They were casting out of LA but I was in New York, so they asked me to come into the office in LA to do a Skype meeting. I went into a room where they had a Macbook set up with three women on the screen: Jeylynn and Debra, the producers, and Sanaa who’s the director. It was a friendly Skype session and I had a lot of fun with it, and they called me that night and told me I was
their choice. When I finally met everyone I told them, “Yeah, that’s pretty funny that we did the whole interview on that little computer,” and they were like, “What are you talking about? We had you on a huge projector screen in our office!” I was mortified [laughing]. Is acting something you’ve always wanted to do? Yes, always. When I was younger, I was in a lot of school plays and eventually I got an agent, but my parents were very strict – I had to go to school and I couldn’t miss class, and when it came to college, I needed to go and get an education. I think my parents know that it’s tough to be an actor and they just wanted what was best for me. It was years before I got back to doing what I wanted to do, but finally after I’d gone to college, worked various suit-and-tie jobs and given the rest of the world a try, I started acting again. The decision was an exciting one. How did you get started? When I first went to LA, it was hard for me to get an agent or even a manager. I was doing student films and trying to get a reel so people could see what I could do. It’s a real process and you realize all the hard work that goes into the business. I’m blessed to be doing what I love for a living. It’s an unbelievable thing. What was the first day of shooting like? I was so nervous; I had never done a musical. We shot my first scene at 4:30 in the morning. There was frost on the ground because it was fall in Pittsburgh, even though it was supposed to look like summer in Italy [laughs]. So the shooting was fun, though it was a little nerve-racking. What’s something on your bucket list? I’d love to go out on a date with Cindy Crawford at some point. It’s Cindy! She’s great, or the idea I have of her in my head is great. I feel like I could just be done after that point.
Interview by Lauren Douglass
Be sure to catch Alexander Dipersia in Lovestruck on ABC Family in April. Totally useless fact: It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.
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plants!
Plants by Kelly Herman
for Your Personality
For “Green Thumbs” If you’re organized and have a penchant for keeping things alive, try for these more delicate plants that will give you a challenge. They need more attention and maintenance, but they’re well worth it. Bromeliads Although they can handle being neglected, they are at their best and most beautiful when taken special care of. Depending on the genus, bromeliads need specific conditions in order to bloom, and the conditions necessary to get them to produce flowers is difficult to replicate. If you’re up for experimenting, give these exotic plants a try. Cape Jasmine Gardenia The best type of gardenia to be kept as a houseplant, but very picky about its growing conditions. It needs to be carefully tended to, but well-worth the effort for the amazing scent it gives off. campus talk
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For “Movers” These are plants for people who like to travel and temperature change could be a problem, or maybe you just don’t have time to water your lovelies all the time. If you’re low-maintenance and want something that doesn’t need much attention, these are the plants for you. Lucky Bamboo They’re resilient, adapt well to change, and will forgive you if you forget to water them once in a while. Slipper Spurge Drought resistant, with interesting hook-shaped flowers. Can be used as a houseplant if smaller, but may grow to a larger size with time and need to live outdoors (which would be convenient if you ever decide to grow roots of your own!) Barrel Cactus A type of barrel-shaped cactus (duh) that has a variation of spines and can bloom bright, colorful flowers. Usually, cacti need little to no coddling if placed in the right light.
There’s only so much you can do to make a place of your own feel like home. One quick fix is a pet, but they can be expensive to buy, feed, and keep healthy. Plus they poop. You know what doesn’t poop? Plants! They can bring life to a room without leaving hair on the couch. They can also say a lot about your personality. Going about buying a plant is a different story, since some can be as high-maintenance as an infant, and others are more laid back. Here’s a quick guide to picking the right plant for your needs:
For “Farmers” Good for people who want to get something out of their hard work. Here are the most resilient plants to start you off on your tractor-pulling journey. Alliums Vegetables like chives, onions, and garlic are great in almost any dish, and they repel common garden pests like ants and aphids. They’re low-maintenance plants that give you the most bang for your buck. Rhubarb and Tomatoes Rhubarb is a very easy-to-grow veggie that, once planted, needs almost no care. If you’re not sure how to eat rhubarb like I am, go for tomatoes. They’re the next easiest fruit to keep alive, and you get a great feeling from telling your friends, “Yeah, I made those tomatoes. That’s right. Taste my success.” Snake Plant or Mother-in-Law’s Tongue You may not be able to put it on a salad (mainly because it’s toxic to eat – yikes), but this is a sturdy, functional plant that filters out air pollutants and converts carbon dioxide into oxygen at night. Convenient, eh?
For “Forgetters” You want a plant, think they’re pretty, but you tend to leave a towel still wrapped around your head when leaving for work. Here are some good suggestions for you. Plastic Plant They look just as good as a real plant AND they never die! SWEET! Pet Rock Why you think you could take care of a plant if you don’t remember where you put your toothbrush is beyond me, but maybe one less thing to forget to feed is the right option. Shhh. It’s better this way.
Totally useless fact: Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
oooh, nasty!
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Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th
Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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april 2013
COHABITANT HASTLE! By Kelli McKinney
The chances that you land one of these four types is pretty likely with your luck, but we’ve found a couple must-haves that will help!
By Guy Namath
To cope with the Noisy Nuisance, try Hearos’ premium ear plugs, each pack less than $10. The plugs reduce 32 decibels of sound and come in several shapes and sizes for super-soft comfort. Available online at hearos.com.
By guy namath
4 Types Of
Since you didn’t get any sleep last night because the Oooh Child was gettin’ some, grab Sleep Pretty in Pink’s feather-light sleeping mask; the deep cutouts don’t interfere wth eye lashes and create a total “black out” effect, so you can sleep as late as you want! Available online at sleepinpink.com.
Terrible
The Noisy Nuisance You’ve got class at 9 and this inconsiderate
a-hole is still up at 4 blasting club music and bouncing around his room like a cracked-out Energizer bunny. When you’ve got a big test to study for, he’s practicing guitar scales on his 100-watt amp. You’re in the middle of a phone interview for the job of your life and she’s blow drying her hair at full blast with the door wide open. Worst of all, when you ask them to turn it down, they tell you to get a pair of earplugs. It’s roomies like these that make you wish Dexter made pit stops on college campuses…
The Messy ‘Mate You’re in college, so let’s be real here…
cleanliness is a relative term. But there’s a big difference between stacking empty pizza boxes in the living room and stacking used toilet paper in the tub because you clogged up the toilet and don’t feel like walking four steps to the utility closet to grab the plunger. These are the same kind of folks who won’t shave for weeks at a time, then give themselves a trim, leaving their clippings all over the floor, sink, mirror and, somehow, the fridge.
The Oooh Child Everyone loves sex. But not everyone lets
their roomies hear how much they love it. These guys moan and groan on full blast all night long while you try to block out the horrifying visual of your roomie all hot ‘n’ bothered between the sheets. Hell, they’re loud even when they’re floggin’ the dolphin! Like clockwork, these fellas make sure everyone knows their business. And their business is really, really gross and sticky.
Mooch Roommates AMade In Roommates are like a bag of jelly beans. Most are sweet and appealing, but there’s always one or two in a handful that flat-out suck. Unfortunately for you, roommates aren’t like jelly beans in that you can’t just throw them away when you get the crappy ones. At the very least, though, you can prepare yourself for the likelihood of having an inconsiderate cohabitant. Here are four typically terrible roomies to look out for. campus talk
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april 2013
Heaven Like most coeds, your wallet is tighter than
Joan Rivers’ face after her 64th botox injection. So, when you drop your hard-earned dough on a bottle of vodka and your favorite carton of ice cream, the last thing you want to come home to is your grubby-handed roomie drunk on your hooch with melted Ben & Jerry’s all over his face. Even if you tag your groceries as a preventative measure, this douchenozzle will still manage to work his way like a hungry rat into your stash.
Totally useless fact: The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
YO QUIERO CERVEZA! Ideas For YOUR Party • Plenty of Mexican beer, such as Dos Equis Amber or Lager. Real Mexicans view Corona as piss water… which it is.
• Homemade nachos grande. All you need are tortilla chips, black olives, refried beans, shredded cheese, salsa and sour cream. Line a baking tray with the chips, smother with the beans and olives, cover with cheese and bake for about 10 minutes at 425 degrees.
Cinco de Drinko All You Need To Know About
• A piñata… stuffed with piping-hot queso dip. That should make for a fun, skin-grafted treat! • A live mariachi band… or an iPod. Whichever one you can acquire first.
Cinco de
You might be asking yourself why we’re running an article about a May holiday in our April issue. Well, we feel strongly about giving you – The History Primarily celebrated in the state of Puebla, Mexico, our loyal readers – ample Cinco de Mayo originated as a commemoration time to prepare for festive of the Mexican army’s surprise victory over the at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. The celebrations that include plenty French triumph was shocking for many reasons--most The Celebration notably because the French outnumbered the of cold drinks and sexy chicks. Aside from the-ice cold cerveza typically Mexicans 2-to-1, had far superior weaponry and associated with this holiday, Cinco de Check out the backstory behind hadn’t tasted defeat in battle in over 50 years. Mayo is actually about much more than basically, it was like 300 minus the 20-foot-tall Cinco de Mayo… then read up So, just taking off from work and getting demigod and nauseating slow-motion hammered with your buddies (or what you cinematography. And the traitorous hunchback. on our must-have party ideas. refer to as “everyday life”). From traditional Cinco de Mayo is not a federal holiday in Mexican dishes to plenty of live music, You don’t have to thank us… Mexico and has limited significance Mexicans throw a party like Diddy does. just bring some cerveza and a nationwide, but that hasn’t kept the day from Here in America, however, Cinco de celebrated by Mexicans throughout Mayo is the Mexican equivalent of beef ‘n’ bean burrito to our bash being the country and the United States as a day St. Patrick’s Day, complete with culturally of national pride… and heavy boozing. themed parties and cocktails. and we’ll call it even.
Mayo
Totally useless fact: The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY? By daniel sutphin
flicks
Oblivion Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Andrea Riseborough, Olga Kurylenko WHEN: April 19 A drone repairman, Jack Harper gets assigned to a desolate and devastated Earth. There he finds a crashed spacecraft with contents that cause him to question everything he believed about the war, what the proverbial ‘they’ have told him and even himself. WHAT:
e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
The Lords of Salem 42
To the Wonder
WHAT: Biography, Drama, Sport WHO: Chadwick Boseman,
WHAT: Drama Romance WHO: Ben Affleck, Olga
Harrison Ford, Alan Tudyk, Christopher Meloni WHEN: April 12 42 portrays the life of Jackie Robinson and his legendary signing with the Brooklyn Dodgers. With help from team executive Branch Rickey, Robinson faces the dilemmas and the successes that come with being the first African American baseball player. campus talk
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Kurylenko, Javier Bardem, Rachel McAdams WHEN: April 12 A character story, To The Wonder tells the story of Marina and Neil and their return from Mont Saint-Michel. After arriving back in Oklahoma, problems begin to occur when Marina meets a priest who is struggling with his vocation and Neil reconnects with an old childhood friend, Jane.
WHAT: Horror Thriller WHO: Sheri Moon Zombie,
Meg Foster, Bruce Davison, Jeff Daniel Phillips WHEN: April 19 Rob Zombie brings his directorial talents to this play off of the infamous Salem witch trials. Heidi is a radio DJ. She’s sent a box with a record, listed as a “gift from the Lords.” The sounds within the grooves of the record cause flashbacks of her town’s violent history. Heidi can’t tell if she’s going mad, or if the Lords are back to take revenge on Salem, Massachusetts.
Trance WHAT: Crime Drama Thriller WHO: James McAvoy, Rosario
Dawson, Vincent Cassel, Tuppence Middleton WHEN: April 5 Director Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire) helms this mind-trip of a film, telling the story of an art auctioneer (McAvoy) who gets mixed up with a group of criminals. To save his own life, he teams with a hypnotherapist to recover a lost painting.
Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
rent me!
Small
Django Unchained WHAT: Drama Western WHO: Jamie Foxx, Christoph
Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kerry Washington WHEN: April 16 Director Quentin Tarantino tells the story of a former dentistturned-bounty-hunter, Dr. King Schultz (Waltz). After buying the freedom of a slave, Django (Foxx), Schultz takes Django under his wing in order to make him his deputy. While doing so, Schultz learns of the location of Django’s wife (Washington), who is under the control of Calvin Candie (DiCaprio), a violent plantation owner. Django and Schultz launch a plan to manipulate their way onto the plantation and rescue Django’s wife.
Screen
Broken City Hyde Park on Hudson WHAT: Drama WHO: Bill Murray, Laura Linney,
Samuel West, Olivia Colman, Elizabeth Marvel, Olivia Williams WHEN: April 9 President Franklin D. Roosevelt (Murray) and his wife (Williams) host a visit from reigning British king (West) and queen (Colman) at their New York home. With war with Germany looming, England needs the president’s support. The weekend unfolds as the President balances international affairs with the complications of his domestic arrangement.
WHAT: Crime Drama Thriller WHO: Mark Wahlberg, Russell
Crowe and Catherine Zeta-Jones WHEN: April 30 The New York Mayor Nicholas Hostetler (Crowe) calls on an ex-cop Billy Taggart (Wahlberg) for a favor. The Mayor’s great success in turning around what he calls a “broken city”, had him loved by his people, however not by his wife. He hires Taggert to follow his wife to learn with whom she is having an affair. Taggert learns the identity of the other man and Hostetler wants Taggert to execute him. Taggert tries to break his and the Mayor’s deal but the Mayor blackmails Taggert in attempt to keep him in check.
Gangster Squad WHAT: Action Crime Drama WHO: Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling,
Josh Brolin and Emma Stone WHEN: April 23 Sean Penn takes on the role of notorious gangster Mickey Cohen in his pursuit to take over Los Angeles through violence and money. Cohen manages to slip through without getting caught and the law is no longer working in the cities favor. To take down Cohen, John O’Mara (Brolin) and Sgt. Jerry Wooters (Gosling) form a small renegade squad of cops, but this time around, they’re leaving their badges at home.
Totally useless fact: “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The Guilt Trip WHAT: Comedy WHO: Seth Rogen, Barbra
Streisand and Adam Scott April 30 Concerned with his mother’s lack of dating for years since his father’s death, inventor Andy Brewster (Rogen), asks his mother Jessica (Streisand) to join him on an eight-day road trip to sell his latest invention.
WHEN:
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only joking!
The one about the Dachshund and the leopard
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
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figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, “Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
Totally useless fact: If done perfectly, a rubix cube combination can be solved in 17 turns.
CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER!
How 2 Pass Your Finals
Without
Studying
Math
There’s a formula for mastering, um, formulas, and it’s really quite simple: cheat sheet! Assuming you’ve been to class some point over the past few months, you should have at least a half-page full of equations littered in your notebook. Write those down and the rest is simple arithmetic. Then again, you should hone your counting skills for when you get caught and end up working as a cashier at Burger King. 90
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As you all know, college is a learning experience. You learn to survive on canned soup and bananas. You learn how to pretend like you’re 21 when you’re really 18. You even learn how to make sweats and a T-shirt look fashionable. But god help you if you think college is about, you know, actual learning. This April, CT has decided to teach you the final and most important lesson in your collegiate career: how to pass your finals without so much as cracking open an overpriced book.
English Science Essays are easy because most of them are assigned to be written from home. Got a topic about French cinema? Google Nouvelle Vague and you’ve got nearly 20 pages of writing material. You have to write about Shakespearean royalty? King Lear’s waiting to tell you all about himself online! No wonder they say an English degree is worthless…
This one’s a bit tougher since scientists actually, you know, do stuff. Nevertheless, you can still ace your exam with minimal effort. Sneaking in a pre-mixed solution in your underwear is a good way to start. Just make sure it’s not toxic or you could end up a twig and two berries short of your manhood. But, hey, isn’t science all about taking risks to find out the results?
Arts
You can thank the MP3 generation for making it so simple to pre-record your orchestral arrangement, allowing you to mime along in front of your whole class. Simply tape yourself (or the original composer) performing the song ahead of time and, as Aerosmith once said, “Just push play!” However, don’t be surprised if your professor can tell the oh-so-subtle difference between you and Tchaikovsky.
Totally useless fact: The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.
hahahaha
WE DELIVER! RELISH2GO.COM Remembtoer
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Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m afraid of widths. -Â Steven Wright There is a thin line between fishing and standing on a shore like an idiot. -Â Steven Wright Cross-country skiing is great...if you live in a small country.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the problem. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not the photographerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s extra scary to me, because thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
CAMPUS 201SE 2nd Ave 352.692.4400
-Â Mitch Hedberg
-Â Steven Wright Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. -Â Steven Wright Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a small world, but I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to paint it. -Â Steven Wright
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. - Terry Pratchett I havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. -Â Mitch Hedberg
We have polluted the skies, we have poisoned the oceans, we have burned the rain forests. (By â&#x20AC;&#x153;we,â&#x20AC;? I mean me and my best friend, Ethan.)
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it. - George Carlin
- Dan Liebert I have an inferiority complex. But itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not a very good one. -Â Steven Wright
Totally useless fact: Napoleonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000.
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91
Forget the story about the little choo-choo that could. You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t
nderachieve U r
A DASH OF THIS, A HEAP OF THAT
Cafeteria A
re you sick of the cafeteria yet, with all its bland, featureless food just this side of the expiration date? How any freshman manages to pile on fifteen pounds by scarfing down that crap is almost as mysterious as the ingredients in Monday night’s “Meat and Cheese Casserole.” Of course, unless you’re dating a Subway employee who hooks you up with free sandwiches, you most likely can’t afford not to eat on campus. But cafeteria food doesn’t need to be the cause of unintentional anorexia… or bulimia for the more committed among us. By properly utilizing a few key condiments, you can make even the most disgusting slop on your meal plan seem downright edible.
WARNING:
against food t STD’s, these condiments have no power Just as the birth control pill will not preven tasting food can give you the trots. good even ber, remem and risk own your poisoning. Consume at
GREEN TABASCO SAUCE Cheese is the glue that can hold even the most disparate of ingredients together. Even ground beef mixed with lima beans, turnip, kale, pepperoni and stewed prunes doesn’t taste like such a strange combination with a couple handfuls of stringy mozzarella swirled throughout. Sprinkling a little cheddar over the top of a salad can also serve to make the lettuce feel not so limp.
Use this little bottle to zest up everything from burgers to eggs. Unlike its fiery red counterpart, “Green T” packs just enough punch to wake up your tastebuds without overpowering them so much that you can’t taste anything. You may just find yourself bounding out of bed in the morning for a double helping of the line cook’s signature runny omelet. As an added side benefit, this particular condiment may also encourage you to meet your daily recommended intake of water.
GARLIC POWDER
CROUTONS
SHREDDED CHEESE
Seriously, how can a group of (supposedly) trained culinary professionals screw up something as simple as pizza? I’m not sure either, but they’ve apparently committed themselves to the task. Create your own little corner of Little Italy by dumping generous heaps of garlic powder onto pizza, pasta or any other concoction that utilizes cheese and tomato sauce. Just make sure to carry breath mints wherever you go.
We’ve all seen what they can do for salads, but feel free to sprinkle or crumble these tasty seasoned bread crumbs into any dish that’s at least 50% liquid: soup, stew, chili or the aforementioned Monday night mystery dish. Sometimes a little crunch is all it takes to trick your taste buds into thinking you’re eating something worthwhile, and not, shall we say, something even the dog was too proud to bother with.
Consumption
Essential Condiments for
by Brian Hodges
SALT
An obvious one, yet one that should be held in reserve for when all other condiments have failed to produce palatable results. No need to go clogging our arteries unless absolutely necessary, am I right?
PEANUT BUTTER
Face it, some meals are beyond salvation no matter what you pour into it. When all else fails, a PB & J sandwich is the ideal standby for one very important reason: none of the ingredients were made by the cafeteria staff. They didn’t bake the bread. They didn’t mix the peanut butter. They didn’t puree the jelly. It may not be the classiest meal you’ll ever eat, but at least you can rest easy in the knowledge that there is absolutely no conceivable way the cooks could have screwed this one up.
Totally useless fact: Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg’s Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce masturbation.
campus talk
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april 2013
93
GIRLS LOVE HEAD… GAMES By Ami Gavarian
5 Head Games
Every
Girlfriend
Plays Fellas, you’ve seen ‘em come in all different shapes and sizes. No, not boobs… although hopefully you’ve seen your fair share of those, as well. I’m talking about head games and the sassy senoritas that play them.
I’m Not Jealous…
Yes, you are, you psycho hose beast! Don’t ask us to recount our past hook-ups then go gaga when we tell you how Promiscuous Paula let us tie her up and have our way with her. If you really weren’t the jealous type, you’d realize that our prior sexual explorations were just a means to an end – you! Otherwise, we’d still be out there sowing our oats like an Amish farmer. campus talk
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april 2013
Don’t Worry… I Won’t Mind
Yes, you will. In fact, this has been the most effective trap employed by girls for ages. You tell us that you won’t care if we go watch the game at Frank’s house instead of seeing the new Diane Lane flick with you, then you immediately cut off all sexual favors like we’re suddenly the male counterpart to Charlize Theron in Monster. You call that your womanly right. We call that being a conniving, lying trickster.
Do I Look………? Whatever you’re asking us, we know damn well it’s a loaded question. No matter how we respond, it will ultimately lead to a severe case of blue balls and possible back pain from sleeping on the couch. Put it this way: if we thought you were fat, ugly, or whatever other irrational personal attribute you’re trying to quiz us on, we wouldn’t be with you in the first place. Seriously, how many ugly chicks do you know in relationships?
That’s Are You Mad At Me? Not What Yeah… probably. I Meant! Girlfriends across the globe have been using this reverse-psychology tactic for ages in hopes of trying to con us into sympathy. It doesn’t matter that she taped over your copy of the Super Bowl. Hell, it doesn’t even matter that you caught her checking your cell for text messages and recent calls. As long as she can deflect blame from herself and somehow make it seem like you’re in the wrong for ever questioning her intentions, she’ll get off scot-free. Coincidentally, the only way you’ll be getting off is from Rosy Palms.
Um, yes it is. We hate to break it to you, girlfriends, but you’re more transparent than a stripper’s outfit… after she’s taken the stage. It’s not that difficult to decipher what you meant when you said, “Why don’t you just go sleep with her tonight!” Forget the fact that “her” is merely your lab partner in chemistry. Forget the fact that she looks like Barbara Walters with a unibrow. The reality that you’re trying to mindlessly twist your words into something totally different is weaker than Dane Cook’s lame attempts at humor.
Totally useless fact: The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant.
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