www.mycampus talk .com august 2013
CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND
Ways to Round Out
Your Summer (Even When You're Broke)
Beware
the Signs Dead End Degrees Foretell Your Future
Spotlight on Instant Cult-Classic "Sharknado" The Mustache
Manifesto How Do You Measure Up?
A Chat with Model, Act re Animal We lfarist Katie ss and Cleary
Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff 1 Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD
P34
READING
09 How 2 Make the End of
Summer Interesting 10 Who is this Burning Man? 12 Katie Cleary on Sheltering Animals 14 Dead End Degrees P58 16 CT Presents ... Turdnado! 19 The Mustache Manifesto 22 Drinking Your Way to Fitness
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P81
P32
P68
P22
P82
34 Head 2 Head: Sci-Fi
P09
Cinema Showdown 42 Vanessa Branch 68 Left Hander’s Day 81 Dog Days of Summer (Debt) 82 How 2 Not Get Caught Cooking Meth 84 Solving the Roommate Dilemma with Roomsync 93 It Should be a Crime
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: A group of owls is called a parliament.
breakin’ it down! P12
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 30 Top 10 Strangest Deaths
P10
32 Man Test 43 Top 10 Words to Bring Back
P52
52 Summer Beauty Reviews 54 Fashion Reviews 58 Gadgets! 61 Real American Badasses:
Teddy Roosevelt 64 Spot the Difference 66 Sore Thumbs 69 A Real NYU College Application 70 CT’s ‘Stache of our Generation Award 86 Flicks 90 Back to School Gear
P30
P42
P61
P66
P90
Totally useless fact: A group of leopards is a leap.
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER A NEW SEMESTER, A NEW START Like any major change in life, the first few weeks of college can be an intimidating time. Collectively, making new friends, getting used to a new terrain, actually going to class and figuring out how to balance everything can be stressful. As for those of you returning to classes, it’s back to the ole’ grind stone, a reunion with friends and the toleration of roommates. To coincide with the new semester, we here at CT have conjured up a plethora of new material to fascinate and educate. Model, actress and animal welfarist, Katie Cleary, discusses her upcoming documentary “Give Me Shelter.” Find out which degrees to avoid,
should you be choosing a major. For the facial hair aficionados, we’ve listed the top celebrity mustaches, as well as the classic styles that influenced them. We’ve also thrown in a little Sc-Fi showdown for all of you “Sharknado” fans. This semester, much like any other, you’re going to walk into class with a head full of dreams and often walk out with a head full of worries. To take your mind off of things, pick up CT for a laugh and distract yourself from real life for awhile.
Daniel Sutphin
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: Cream does not weigh as much as milk
WHEN ANY COST IS TOO MUCH... By Mike Stanley
How 2 Make the
End of Summer
Interesting (When You’re Too Broke to Go Anywhere) You’ve almost made it through the summer, classes are about to start again and all of your roomates or future friends are on the way back to Gainesville. So how can you make it through these last few weeks? Undoubtedly, you’ve already spent all of your money on beach adventures and other Florida explorations, so how do you keep from going stir crazy at home, while maintaining the “budget” to which you’ve dwindled down your bank account (because now you’ll starve if you don’t)? Getting Out of the House The first key to fighting the stir crazies is getting out of the house. Take a walk down 34th street and visit the graffiti wall; it changes everyday, so don’t settle for the idea that you’ve already seen it. The Mall Although a potentially frustrating endeavor, try going to the mall and just walking around. One of the best mall activities is simply people watching; sit down on a bench, pop out a pair of headphones and take in your surroundings. You’ll see everything Gainesville can offer, people-wise, and you don’t have to spend any money. If you’re already an experienced people watcher, try putting those headphones on for appearance only – no music – and get the full scope of the show, including their conversations. It’s only weird if you follow them home. Wal-mart Hate the mall? Wal-Mart offers the same quality of people watching but on a broader spectrum; just walk around listening to music and spy the “Wal-mart Society” firsthand. Lake Alice If people just aren’t your thing, take a book and head out to Lake Alice. This, however, is one place I would not recommend headphones. It’s important to be alert due to the area’s massive gator population; you’d probably want to hear them coming.
Totally useless fact: American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class.
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DUSTY ADVENTURE by Kelly Herman
Who Is This Burning Man?
Burning Man is the accumulation of human spirit and half-naked flesh. Burning Man is the dry, desert soul that gives everything and wants of nothing. Burning Man is like any and every coked-out experience you could imagine, while celebrating life and death. In the desert city of Black Rock, Nevada, the event, the community, the life-altering experience that is Burning Man is something that can not be fully expressed in words … but I’ll try. I’ve heard about it before, the near-sacred experience that is Burning Man, the burning of a giant humanoid figure in the landscape of a dried-out lake in the middle of nowhere. What I hadn’t heard about was anything else, probably because it can’t be explained. The travel to Black Rock has been commercialized, yes, because in capitalist America there are no other methods of travel than by airport and bus shuttle. The C-shaped “city” itself is the opposite of that. That’s what makes it so difficult to describe, really, because our lives in air-conditioned homes and boiling our brains at universities have become a part of the experience of life, and our expectations of what we get from it are necessarily constructed by those confines. Not that Black Rock doesn’t have any rules. What you would expect, like “don’t shoot people” and such, are part of the willing participants’ mantra, mixed in with radical and foreign concepts to the typical American: radical inclusion, meaning no weirdo or average Joe left behind; gifting, which is the barter- and money-less giving of 10
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goods without the hopes of a return; decommodification, the abhorrence and absolute exclusion of commercialism; and other radical concepts such as self-expression and self-reliance, as well as their “Leaving No Trace” policy to protect the dust-dwelling creatures who live there every day except the week spanning from the last Monday in August to the first Monday in September. There’s also the matter of a ticket to enter, which is no small expense, and the price of supplies for the week, airfare and whatever transportation you’ll be needing to get around the massive expanse. Mutant vehicles are allowed on the premises, if they barely resemble the original structure they began as, and they’re usually designed around a theme. This year’s theme: Cargo Cult, following the mystery surrounding John Frum. As a first-timer, you could delve into the world of outer limits, as well as visit the Temple, built anew every year like Burning Man as a sacred space. Every person’s time at the Temple and in Black Rock, in general, is completely unique.
What’s significant about Burning Man isn’t a “f*** the system!” attitude or the flagrant nudity; it’s the camaraderie that you can’t even get out of 12 years in the Scouts. The life that exists there is unimaginably selfish, selfless, giving, receiving, oversexualized, desexualized and any other paradox you could come up with. While we sit in our living rooms on the Saturday that the Man is finally burned, our worlds are so tiny and confined, where in Black Rock they are expanded and contracted like only a living community that picks up and leaves the very next day would be. It is a monumental adventure for the bravest and most timid of souls to find out who they really are in a place where they are not pressured into being anyone. Burning Man boasts to be everything dreamily utopian that Brave New World failed to depict. With any luck, I will have saved up enough to go next year and be able to really attempt to write about it as only one who has seen could know: what you get out of Burning Man is only as great what you put into it.
Totally useless fact: Hallmark makes cards for quite a number of different family relationships, 105 in all.
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“GIVE ME SHELTER”
Katie
Cleary on Sheltering Animals Interview by Lauren Douglass Photo by Peter Svenson Photography
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Totally useless fact: 70% of Americans have visited Disneyland or Disney World.
“GIVE ME SHELTER” Model, actress and animal welfarist Katie Cleary has taken her career to a whole new level. Cleary joins me to discuss her passion for animals, some memorable acting experiences and her awardwinning documentary “Give Me Shelter.” When did your passion for animals begin? I started rescuing animals when I was 10 years old. My mom and I rescued everything: kittens that we bottle fed, squirrels, raccoons, deer, you name it. We rehabilitated wild animals and released them back into the wild and helped them find homes. Helping animals is always something I’ve wanted to do, but I just didn’t know in what capacity. After college I finally said, “Why don’t I incorporate the entertainment business with animal rescue?”
D-listed on the endangered species list. We also focus on puppy mills, dog fighting and general conservation, too.
You are heading Peace 4 Animals. Can you tell me about it? It’s an animal welfare organization that I started over a year ago. Our mission is to save the last of the endangered species like tigers, orangutans, elephants, rhinos and any other animals that are
What has been a favorite project of yours? Most recently, I produced a film called “Give Me Shelter.” It’s starring a lot of people who are in entertainment and who also help rescue animals. The film is one of my favorites. I had the creative ability to direct it with
How did you get involved with it? I’ve been raising money for different organizations for years, like HSUS and the California Wildlife Center. I figured after we passed my first bill in Los Angeles a few years ago and got the Kardashians to start filming about it, it was about time for me to start my own organization.
Totally useless fact: Average life span of a major league baseball: 6 pitches.
my best friend Kristen Rizzo, who helped me out tremendously. What was one of the biggest challenges? It was difficult to put all the pieces together and to get all of the celebrities’ schedules to coincide with everyone else’s schedule. I had to do the work of five people, so that was tough. Tell me a little bit about what people can expect from it. It’s definitely educational and also entertaining, and you’ll be on the edge of your seat. After people watch it, it will inspire them with a desire to do something for these animals. The film is such an eye-opener. We focus on the ivory trade, endangered species and many other animal injustices. A lot of people don’t realize all the terrible things that are going on, so I think they’ll really get to see that. The film informs the audience about important animal rights issues and sends an important message; if we don’t change what we’re doing, we’re going to lose all of these amazing species.
Aside from your work with animals, you were in Iron Man 2. What was your experience like? That was a cool one. They wanted a few girls to be in a scene where Tony Stark is blowing up a watermelon and showing off. We’re supposed to be the girls who freak out from the watermelon splatters on us. It was a small scene, but it was really fun to shoot. It took two weeks to do, so it definitely was memorable. One scene took two weeks? Yes, there were just so many people involved [laughs]. It was definitely worth it! So what’s next for you? There’s the launch of Give Me Shelter in September, a big premier in Hollywood, I’m working on a couple of TV shows that I’m pitching to NatGeo and Animal Planet, plus the jewelry line is in the mix, so I’ll have a lot going on! Learn more from Katie Cleary at katiec.com or peace4animals.com
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THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE
Degrees (and the Pursuit of Anything You Can Get) By Daniel Sutphin
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Totally useless fact: 1/3 of all ice cream sold is vanilla.
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE
Aaaah college – a time of newfound freedom and a regular treasure trove of life experiences. But it’s not all disc golf, Frisbees and football anymore, nor can you spend the first two years floundering about a major. With the shaky economic blunder we’re presently scraping our way out of, college students must be more focused and decisive than ever; otherwise that fancy degree won’t stand for much hanging in your room in the basement of your parents’ house. A recent Georgetown study found that the overall unemployment rate for college graduates teeters at 3.3 percent. It also revealed that although a college degree does still give job seekers an advantage over those without, not all degrees provide a secure future; your choice of major can determine whether you will find employment.
Need Work! Due to the housing collapse, Architecture logs in with the highest unemployment rate of 13.9 percent.
Should you side with more thespian pursuits, then you might find yourself in the very dramatic scenario of unemployment. The study found that non-technical majors, like those in the Arts, tend to clock in at 11.1 percent. Other high-unemployment majors include Humanities and Liberal Arts at 9.4 percent, Social Science at 8.9 percent and Law and Public Policy at 8.1 percent. The idea that a job in computers will secure your future is also on shaky ground these days. According to the study, unemployment in majors related to computers and mathematics vary depending on the content of the major. The unemployment rate for recent college graduates in Information Systems has jumped to 11.7 percent, while the rates for majors in Computer Science and Mathematics are 7.8 and 6.0 percent, respectively. Have hope though young techies, the study forecasts computer majors to likely bounce back as the recovery proceeds, citing that despite the 11.7 percent for info systems, graduates with work experience in the field clocks in at only 5.4 percent.
Sitting Pretty Stability can be key to a secure future. The study found
that unemployment rates are relatively low at 5.4 percent for recent college students who majored in Healthcare and Education because these majors are attached to stable or growing industry sectors. According to the study, graduates in Psychology and Social Work have relatively low unemployment rates at 7.3 percent and nearly half work in Healthcare and Education. Life and Physical Sciences majors also faired well, logging in a 7.7 percent unemployment rate. If you’re “in the business of doing business,” then you have some potential security for the future. Business majors received a low-unemployment rate at 7.4 percent with the exception of those who specialize in Hospitality Management at 9.1 percent, which took a hit with the current decline in Travel and Tourism. Engineering grads need not worry too much. At 7.5 percent unemployment, engineers fair well, except for Civil and Mechanical Engineers, who are still feeling the drop in manufacturing and construction activity.
A Bit of Common Sense Earnings for college grads also vary on their major. The Georgetown study found that the median earnings among recent college graduates vary from $55,000 among Engineering majors to $30,000 in the Arts, as well as Psychology and Social Work. Totally useless fact: 7% of Americans eat at McDonalds every day.
In the more detailed data – which focuses on the broad categories to look at results for more individual, specialized majors – the variation ranges from $60,000 for Computer Engineering graduates to $24,000 for Physiology majors.
The study also revealed that graduate education also raises earnings. The average earnings for BA’s stands at $48,000, compared with $62,000 for graduate degrees. Except for Arts and Education (of course!), earnings for graduate workers range between $60,000 and $100,000. campus talk
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Totally useless fact: 90 percent of bird species are monogamous. 3% of mammal species are.
Such fine accoutrements
Who Wants a Mustache Ride?!?!?!
The Mustache Manifesto Salvador Dali sporting the flamboyant moustache style he popularized.
College provides a chance for many students to experiment, not only with evening activities, but also with something way more important - at least for guys - and that is facial hair (if you’re a girl and such experimentation is applicable, get a razor or join the circus).
Totally useless fact: One-third of the land in the US is owned by the government.
While beard and mustache competitions have become common among groups of friends and on an even larger scale of the World Beard and Moustache Championship, it’s important to know the origins of such accoutrement extravagance.
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a look at
Well-Known ‘Staches While many celebrities try to rock the ‘stache, only a handful of them reach legend status. The most recognized mustache heroes include: • Burt Reynolds
• Hulk Hogan
• Tom Selleck
• John Waters and his pencil-thin ‘stache
• Freddie Mercury • Frank Zappa • Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson) • Geraldo Rivera
• Richard Pryor • Oakland A’s Rollie Fingers and his traditional handlebar mustache
• Hitler, Chaplin, Briefly Michael Jordan for their well-noted toothbrush mustache • Sam Elliot • Salvador Dali
So calm down hipsters, you’re not that original, regardless of your devotion and mirror time. You’re actually just replicating a longstanding tradition of American men … so the opposite of your fuzzy-face, individuality-craving endeavors.
mustache style guide AMI Certified
Such fine accoutrements
In lieu of this thinking, and in watching far too much Parks and Recreation and Ron Swanson clips (like that’s even possible), we’ve provided a style guide to reference for the best ‘stache you can pass as being of your own creation. While some of these may be known by other names, the styles listed are in accordance with the official American Mustache Institute (Yes, it’s a real thing).
Chevron A thick and wide mustache, usually worn long to cover the top border of the upper lip.
Dali A narrow mustache with long points bent or curved steeply upward. Name for artist Salvador Dali.
Handlebar A handlebar mustache can be worn large or small (“petit handlebar”); it is characterized by the fact that it is bushy and must be worn long enough to curl the ends upward, which is usually achieved with styling wax.
Fu Manchu
A mustache that begins on the upper lip and whose whiskers are grown very long to extend down each side of the mouth down to the jaw. The areas just past the corners of the mouth are shaven, thus differentiating this style from the “horseshoe”
Pencil A thin, narrow, closely clipped mustache that outlines the upper lip. Pencil-style mustaches can be trimmed in different manners. Also sometimes called a “mouthbrow.”
Painter’s Brush A thick mustache covering the width of the mouth, usually worn short with slightly rounded corners.
Show off your ‘stache on Campus Talk’s Facebook page at facebook.com/mycampustalk. 20
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Totally useless fact: Polar bears are left-handed.
Such fine accoutrements a look at
English
Old-Time ‘Staches
A narrow divided mustache that begins at the middle of the upper lip, with long whiskers pulled to either side of the center. The areas beyond the corners of the mouth are typically shaved.
Horseshoe
A full mustache with vertical extensions grown on the corners of the lips and down the sides of the mouth to the jawline, resembling an upside-down horseshoe. The whiskers grown along the sides of the mouth in the horseshoe are sometimes referred to as “pipes.”
Imperial
A large mustache growing from both the upper lip and cheeks; whiskers from the cheeks are styled pointing upward.
Lampshade A mustache similar to the “painter’s brush,” but with corners angled slightly, resembling the shape of a lampshade.
Pyramidal A general name for mustaches shaped narrow on top and wide on the bottom, like a pyramid. Pyramidal mustaches can be shaped in a variety of ways, as shown below.
Toothbrush A thick mustache, shaved to be about an inch wide in the center.
Walrus A large, bushy, droopy mustache that hangs down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.
Totally useless fact: Eskimos never gamble.
Because you know you want to go... the american mustache institute can be found online at: www.americanmustacheinstitute.org
check
it out!
Want to see the newest ‘stache to rank among the legends? Turn to page 70 campus talk
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21
BOTTOM’S UP
Light vs. Dark liquors The color of the liquor has little affect on the
By Kevin Kage
number of calories in alcohol. There are seven calories per gram of alcohol. There is 70-proof (35 percent) content in many of the clear colored liquors like vodka. This makes a 1-ounce shot just less than 60 calories. Ninety proof (45 percent) content in some whiskeys and scotch has around 70 calories per shot. The color would make one assume that darker alcohols contain more calories, but this is not the case.
DrinkinG Your Way to Fitness
from Fatness Being fit is the hot new thing for the 21st century. It’s become next to impossible to count the number of ads saying, “Strong is the New Skinny,” just on Facebook alone.
The percentage of alcohol is what determines the caloric value. Many of the darker liquors happen to come in higher proofs than clear ones. A 90-proof vodka would be about the same as a 90-proof whiskey. The correlation between light and dark colored liquor exists in the hangover effect; there are studies that show a greater risk of hangover with darker colored liquors. A liqueur, like Bailey’s Irish Cream, is strong and sweet flavored liquor. This is commonly consumed after a meal and can be served on the rocks. These are the highest in calories, but often lower in alcohol percentage, due to the added sugars to make it taste sweeter.
Wine There is such a wide range of alcohol
percentages in wine that it is difficult to put an average number of calories to the general term wine. The sweetness and ABV (alcohol by volume) contribute to the caloric differences in wines. Wine has between 5–15 percent abv, but the danger is in the sugars. There are between 100–150 calories per 5-ounce serving of wine. Having a glass is not bad, but having a bottle is and can be habitual.
The legal drinking age is 21, and unfortunately that is around the same age that metabolisms begin to slow. Liquid calories can add up quicker than solid food. Liquids absorb faster than solids in the body and can leave one unsatisfied and hungry. All too often I hear the misconception on the calories in alcohol. Many people have told me that there are no calories in alcohol and although there is no nutritional value in alcohol, there are calories.
What does this all mean? A life without booze wouldn’t be as fun. If you’re worried about weight, then watch the mixers and sweet cocktails. The alcohol itself does not do as much damage to the gut as does the amount of sugars in the soda and margarita mix. The lowered inhibition in a drunken state can cause late night binge eating, consisting of an entire pizza and Taco Bell. I’m not condoning the consumption of alcohol, but rather insisting to avoid the sugar mixers and the zombie-like, post-drinking feast. If you’re doing it to get drunk, then switch to liquor and diet soda.
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Totally useless fact: Eleanor Roosevelt was the only first lady to carry a loaded revolver.
BOTTOM’S UP
Light vs. Heavy Beers Alcohol has seven calories per gram while
carbs have four calories per gram. There are two major differences in the light versions of popular beers: carbs and alcohol percentage. The lighter versions of beers like Bud Light, Miller Lite and many others contain less carbs. Beer is naturally fat free so there is no way to make it less in fat. Less carbs in the lighter beers equates to less taste like the darker beers. Lower ABV is another way companies can reduce the calorie count. Heavier beers have about one and a half percent higher alcohol percentage by volume. Budweiser Select 55 has 2.5 percent ABV and only 55 calories. A regular Budweiser has 5 percent abv and 145 calories. Someone could drink two of the Select version and get the same amount of alcohol with fewer calories.
Tips for the fitness fanatics: Avoid:
Regular sodas, fruity mixers, liqueurs, heavy beers, hard ciders, drunken binge eating
Choose:
Liquors, diet sodas, light beers, on the rocks, splash of lemon/lime
Kevin Kage is a personal trainer and manager at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He writes fitness related articles for Campus Talk, Flourish Magazine, and SwoleScience.com. For more, see youtube. com/KevinKageMMA and visit F2Arena.com
Hard Cider
More and more there have been special sales of this beverage, and it is sold with only a beer and wine license, making it available in many more establishments. These drinks taste like apple juice with a kick! At 200 calories on average (12-ounce), they have more calories than both beer and wine.
It’s all in the mixer The labels from some popular margarita mixers register at 168 calories for one drink and rise up to 218 for some of the frozen margarita brands. This is before the alcohol is added to the equation, adding another 100 calories. A rum and diet coke is about 90–100 calories. A rum and regular coke is about 190–200 calories.
*Beware of vodka tonic. It is not the same as vodka soda water. The tonic contains calories while soda water is simply carbonated water that contains zero calories. Totally useless fact: Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50.
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Totally useless fact: Honey is the only food that does not spoil.
play with yourself
T S U G AU GO FIGURE
CROS SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: Antartica is the only continent without reptiles.
campus talk
rs are answe page 79 on
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25
C RYP UOTE TO Q
star map
hocus focus
Wishing well
26
campus talk
bridge hands
play with yourself
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august 2013
Totally useless fact: Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
you sooooo cheated
AUGUST
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
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27
tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
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www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida
@ Gainesville
Totally useless fact: In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
hahahaha
A note left for milkman: Do not leave any milk at Number 22 today as Mr. Jones has died until further notice.
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. He said, “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry. Here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!” The second man replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Totally useless fact: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
campus talk
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29
TAKE NOTE
Top 10 by Kelly Herman
Strangest
Deaths 2005
Lee Seung Seop collapsed of fatigue from playing Starcraft for almost 50 hours straight. Talk about commitment.
1814 The London Beer Flood, killing seven people, occurred when 388,000 gallons of beer in the Meux and Company Brewery burst from its vats. You’d think this would have been a happier event.
207 BC Chrysippus, a philosopher, was believed to have died of laughter after giving his donkey wine and then watching it try to eat figs.
1993
1947
Garry Hoy fell to his death in an attempt to be a model lawyer. He threw himself against a window on the 24th floor of the Toronto-Dominion Centre to prove the glass was unbreakable. He was right, but the window did pop out of its frame.
Langley Collyer, a compulsive hoarder, accidentally triggered one of his own booby traps which crushed him to death. His blind and paralyzed brother, Homer, died of starvation a few days later. I wonder how long he waited for dinner that night.
1998 The entire Bena Tshadi football team was killed by lightning during a match against Basanga. Everyone on the home team survived.
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1518 An unexplained event, the Dancing Plague, caused around 400 people to uncontrollably dance for a month. This resulted in several deaths by stroke and exhaustion. Clearly, groove was in the heart that month.
1982 Actors on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie, including child-actors Myca Dinh Le and Renee Shin-Yi Chen, were respectively decapitated and crushed by a helicopter blade. Duh-na-na-na, duh-na-na-na…
1940
1783
Marcus Garvey died from having two strokes after reading a negative premature obituary of himself. It probably said, “Marcus Garvey, Drama queen.”
James Otis Jr. was said to have mentioned to friends and family that he hoped he would die by being struck by lightning. He got his wish.
Totally useless fact: The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’ America’s 5th best selling beer
©2010 Anheuser-Busch, Inc., Natural Light® Beer, St. Louis, MO
how manly are you?
MAN UP! n Test: The MMorae Than Just
s e l c s u M g n i x e Fl
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Totally useless fact: The youngest pope was 11 years old.
how manly are you?
In our modern, technological society, it’s not uncommon for an adult male to have, um, “overlooked,” and/or “missed out,” on many of the common skills associated with traditional “manliness.” Author Robert Dodenhoff breaks down many of those skills in an ultimate test of manhood. Never mind sports stats and useless action movie facts, in “The Man Test,” Dodenhoff challenges your knowledge with real categories that make a man, from finance and negotiation to etiquette and domestic skills.
You can find this test and more when you pick up “The Man Test” at Amazon.com for $12.99.
effective defense, as it can inflict an 5) False. Biting can be an extremely
he may even give up before he starts. lessen his ability to fight back – and
4) True. By striking him first, you may the moment of impact.”
not tighten up or clench your fist until punch shoot out loosely and easily; do
more powerful punching. Let your lead “Relaxation is essential for faster and expert Bruce Lee put it this way:
3) False. The late famous martial arts grasp away from your neck.
upward – forcing his arms, and his
hands together and then thrust them
a “V” with your arms by clasping your
2) False. A better technique is to make two heavyset men with beards!”
attacker, e.g., “I’m being attacked by the reason and a description of the
“CALL 911,” followed immediately with really meaning it. Instead, try yelling around often shout the word without
not have any impact, as people joking 1) False. Yelling the word “help” may
Answer Key:
Totally useless fact: Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school.
extreme amount of pain – perhaps
5) (True/False). Using your teeth is largely ineffective against a determined attacker.
disabling your attacker. If close
4) (True/False). When you’re absolutely certain you’re about to be attacked, strike your opponent first.
6) The SAS Self-Defense Handbook recommends that you carry which of the following for your safety? A) Loaded handgun B) Ball point pen C) Sharp knife D) Newspaper E) Stun gun
enough, try for an ear. If he attacks
2) (True/False). An attacker has you from behind with his hands around your neck. The best way to get him to release you is to grasp his hand and yank them away from your neck.
3) (True/False). Before punching someone, tense your muscles and clench your fist early to enhance the power of your blow.
with his hands, bite fingers, the palm
1) (True/False). You’re under attack suddenly and people are nearby. The best way to get their attention is to yell the word “Help!”
or forearm. Don’t let go! Hang on and
If at all possible, you should always avoid confrontation. You may end up in a situation, however, where you hae no choice but to defend yourself. You might also be faced with a confrontation where you have to protect a close friend or relative. Either way, knowing self-defense techniques may help you avoid injury or even save your – or a loved one’s – life.
tear the flesh.
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in a defense. The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. – John Steinbeck
6) B, D. Ball point pen; Newspaper
The Man Te st: Self Defense
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33
SHARK WEAK
Malibu Shark Attack
by kelly herman
sci-fi cinema
Horrifyingly hammed-up horror movies have taken center stage in recent years as indie hits and cult classics, but which ones take the cake?
Swamp Shark
Swamp Shark
Dinoshark
Dinoshark Dinoshark
did you know? Brooke Hogan loves her some sharks, mm-hm.
Monster Shark
34
She starred in not only “Two-Headed Shark Attack,” but another frightful flick: “Sand Sharks.” Not one shark… several. Like “Tremors” on crack. She’s also got
Malibu shark attack
swamp shark
Poor Malibu beach-goers and lifeguards must face a shark attack to rock their goldentanned lives forever: An extinct species erupts from the ocean floor, just as two California natives start getting it on. This beast somehow creates a tsunami that leaves the entire town underwater, trapped in the shark’s territory, and only sexy blondes with shotguns can take care of this nasty surprise. Graphics rating: Poor to moderately realistic.
Again, this poor couple is about to get it on when the one shark in the whole dang bayou comes and disrupts their romantic moment. I kid you not, one of the characters makes the case for its scary scariness by saying, “This isn’t a normal shark… it swims! It kills!” TERRIFYING!! Somewhat better graphics than Malibu, with a rating of: Decent.
campus talk
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the And er is... n Win
dinoshark
monster shark
An ancient, extinct species of dinosaur resurfaces in the least realistic way possible. Seriously they paid like $5 to a film editor for all the mid-air chomps. Despite its abysmal graphics, the shark itself looks (and sounds) like a creepy old man, and there is zero evidence of nudity to even offset the lackluster plot line. Seriously, if you kill off a gigantic, prehistoric beast with a grenade to the eye, you probably shouldn’t put that part in the trailer. Wah-waaah.
Typical ‘80s movie with euphemistic lines such as, “Whatever it is, I wouldn’t rub it the wrong way.” Yeah, I wouldn’t rub that phallic fin-thing the wrong way either buddy. Props for being the first fossil-born shark attack movie, and without graphics to create a terrifying dinoshark like, well, “Dinoshark,” they rely on an animatronic monster which ends up being way more realistic than its competitor.
Totally useless fact: Armadillos can be housebroken.
SHARK WEAK
Sharktopus
showdown Campus Talk has taken the best of the worst and pitted them against each other to compete for the award of Most Terrible Talkie! August’s awful genre: Shark Attack Movies.
Sharknado Syfy really outdid themselves this time—they finally got Tara Reid to hate herself for being in a movie! Who wouldn’t hate having sharks hurled at your flooded home at a hundred miles an hour?? And pretending to scream in terror! Ughh that was probably the worst. Fantastic graphics, fantastically terrible acting, and with a line like, “It’s flooding here… not the plumbing— the ocean!” and the tagline, “Enough said!” how could “Sharknado” not win? They also have like a billion more sharks than any of the other movies, so suck on that “Sharktopus!”
Two-Headed Shark Attack
Two-Headed Shark Attack
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
another shark movie coming out this year: “Avalanche Sharks.” Eventually, we’ll have her in enough shark movies to give her her own Sci-Fi Cinema Showdown. Good luck attempting to achieve this prestigious honor, Brooke! We’re counting on you for at least one more shamefully sucky shark movie.
mega shark vs. giant octopus Frozen in combat for 10 million years, these two are ready to rumble as soon as they’re loose again. They’re also really hyper from all that confinement, so they knock down lots of flying objects, such as your average airplane. But fear not! Debbie Gibson’s got everything under control, even if Only in Her Dreams. Rating for graphics: on par with its competitor.
mega shark vs. crocosaurus A giant Megalodon goes up against Crocosaurus in this epic battle involving building crushing, shooting, and lightning bolts. We’re not sure what the lightning has to do with it, but we’re pretty sure Crocosaurus is actually Zeus in disguise, on a mission to create yet another bastard child. Low and behold, the fight between these two giants brings in the excessively skilled military (cough) and the expertise of a hobo, a wise hobo. What it lacks in graphics it makes up for in unnecessary screaming.
Totally useless fact: Men get hiccups more often than woman.
two-headed shark attack Famous faces including Carmen Electra, and coeds that sink their own ship, stranding them on an island with a two-headed shark. At least there are lots of bouncing boobies to distract you from the dismal dialogue and strange plot twist. This shark gets so pissed when people stop going in the water that it sinks the island and rides in on a tsunami for dessert. Graphics rating: Also video game quality, but more realistic than “Sharktopus.”
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
sharktopus The Navy got more than it bargained for with this mutant shark-octopus hybrid. It swims. It stabs! It even WALKS with it’s tentacles. I’d have to say, if there’s any shark that could scare the poop out of me, it would be one with tentacles. Brilliant! But also extremely lame. They can’t even keep this thing from dragging half-naked women off the shoreline. Typical government-controlled weaponanimal-mutants! Graphics level: Video game quality; cartoonish but not realistic. campus talk
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35
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pizzas only. or Hand-tossed e: L3 other offers. Cod
LY. Valid a offerings. Not valid w/ any CARRYOUT ON limited time pizz
, Thin ‘n Crispy on regular Pan
9 JUST $6
LARGE PIZZA 1-TOPPING 9
Oaks Mall & Tower Rd. 332-0032 13th Street & Downtown 338-1776 order online: www.pizzahut.com
NOW SERVING WINGSTREET!
Northwest & Midtown: 373-7733 On Campus & Archer Rd. 374-4440
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
Corner of University Ave and 34th St, 3425 W University Ave 377-7666
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FAVO
ICA’S AMER RITE PIZZA
www.gatorbucks.com
EXP: 01/15/14
damned you siri
Y PL AP AY D O T
GREAT LOCATIONâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;WALK TO CLASS apply today @ royal village.com
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Totally useless fact: It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
damned you siri
Totally useless fact: First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
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CHARTED
THINGS MY DOG IS AFRAID OF
WINNERS OF THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT
strangers
winners from the planet earth the cat
the vacuum cleaner
WHERE I PLAY POKEMON
A ROMANTIC MOVIE
anywhere outside
iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going to die alone!
my house
on the toilet great movie!
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aww, so sweet!
Totally useless fact: Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
my rough life!
everyone in the picture is tagged except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk
Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
Aug. 7: NASA: A History of Space presentation 401 E. University Avenue Aug 1- 11: Titanoboa: Monster Snake at the Florida Museum of Natural History Aug 17: Civil War Battle of Gainesville Matheson Museum, 513 E. University Ave. Aug 17: 2013 Florida Gator’s Fan Day Stephen C. O’Connell Center Aug 24: Grape Stompin’ Wine Festival Bo Diddley Community Plaza Aug 30: Get Your Gator On! United Downtown Downtown Gainesville
Summer is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between exhibits, concerts and floating in refreshing springs and rivers, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida Totally useless fact: They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
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Clean Up Your Dirty Mouth!
Tell me a little about how you got started in acting. I knew I wanted to be an actress when I was three years old. My preschool teacher even told my mom, “She’s going to be an actress, so watch for that.” I did my first play at that age, and I knew I was either going to be an actress or a stripper – I was always comfortable being naked – but I went the acting route. In college, I double majored in Chinese and Theater, and I also modeled. Afterwards, I came to LA and started the regular way: not knowing a single soul and without any connections. You’re known for your Orbit gum spokesmodeling; how did you go from that to working alongside Johnny Depp? I actually booked the Johnny Depp stuff before I did the Orbit gum spokesmodeling. The Orbit commercials began as just another audition – I had no idea it would turn into the campaign it turned into. It was good for me because I’ve had two very separate careers, one in regular film and one in the Orbit commercials. You worked on “Pirates of the Caribbean” with Johnny Depp. What was he like in person? He’s truly a great guy, and I’m not just saying that. He’s incredibly smart, a little offbeat as you can tell, really funny and humble and really down to earth. There aren’t many Hollywood guys that are really faithful, good men, and he really is. He’s truly a lovely human being. Tell me about your experience on the VH1 show “Model Employee. It was tons of fun. I’d never thought about doing reality TV before, and I actually turned down the audition at first. Eventually, they convinced me to sit down and talk to them, and once I did, I realized I wanted to do it. The show takes working models and asks them to have a voice, to be intelligent, articulate, poised and to be a good human being. I especially loved asking younger models to be more than just a pretty face. I really had a great time doing it.
Vanessa Interview by Lauren Douglass Photo By Stephen Busken
Branch Actress and Orbit gum spokesmodel Vanessa Branch talks with me about her eye-opening experience as a judge on VH1’s “Model Employee,” gives us the scoop on Johnny Depp and offers real advice to future spokesmodels.
How would you say it’s different from Top Model? It’s completely different. Top Model is all about becoming a model, but “Model Employee” focuses on girls who already have modeling careers. Instead, these girls learn to be spokeswomen for a brand. They do a lot of things that require a personality and an education, and they’re expected to be well-rounded. They win opportunities to interview celebrities on the red carpet, speak before thousands of people, and interact with different business employees to help improve their work conditions, etcetera. It’s kind of like Top Model meets The Apprentice. Since you were a judge on the show, was there pressure to make the right decisions? I think the hardest part was that we didn’t get to see the behind the scenes action; we only saw the girls when they were doing challenges. We didn’t see the drama or the craziness, and it was a challenge trying to ascertain who was genuine and who was putting on a front. Now that I’ve seen it on TV, it gives me a different perspective, but I think we really chose the right girl for the job. What advice can you give to those looking to have a career as a spokesmodel? Spokesmodeling is very different from regular modeling because you have to act, articulate and relate to people. My advice is to just be well-rounded. Be a good human being, because people can see that in you. Be sincere and show your personality. Be educated and well read; be it all, because people can see those characteristics. People are drawn to others who are sincere and have a liveliness inside them. What’s something you learned from the industry that no one really prepared you for? So many things! Mainly – and I still struggle with this one – I learned that confidence means everything. I don’t mean bravado. I mean true, deep-down confidence. You can’t be swayed by the fact that you’re constantly being judged. I’ve always been comfortable with who I am, but as I get older I’m becoming more and more comfortable. It’s about standing firm in your work and knowing that you’re talented and strong and gorgeous.
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Totally useless fact: Hot water is heavier than cold.
TAKE NOTE
Top 10 by Kelly Herman
Words to Bring Back kerfuffle n. disorder (Wouldn’t it be better if your buddy got into a bar fight and the bouncer yelled, “Who started this kerfuffle??!!”) Sheba n. woman with sex appeal (Let’s stop “hot” and “chick” from being used in the same sentence.) kench v. to laugh loudly (So much better than texting your friend that you “literally LOLed” in the library.) cockamamie adj. pointless or ridiculous (…like that homework you got last week. Plus it’s just more fun to say, albeit for extremely immature reasons.) spifflicated n. drunk (Also more fun to say, especially when you’re already spifflicated.)
glad rags n. clothes for going out (Usually attire you adorn in the hopes of drinking #7.) giggle water n. alcoholic beverage (Aptly named, in my case.) canoodle v. to cuddle, kiss, or fondle amorously (The reason you’re always telling that couple you hang out with to “get a room”.) brabble v. to squabble noisily over little problems (The other reason you wish couples would get a room.) discombobulate v. to confuse or upset (Did we ever really stop using this one? Well, here’s a friendly reminder that it still exists.)
Totally useless fact: The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
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CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2012
Fake EyeGlasses Wearer
I
n recognition of your outstanding pursuit of originality and compassion. Not only have you charitably spent your easy-earned money on something as unnecessary as nonprescription eyeglasses, but you’ve also taken it upon yourself to help lift the leprous nerds from their social expulsion and give clemency to a culture that has long since been mocked and beaten by the various “in-crowds;” all of which are now sporting the same black, thick-rimmed glasses they spent time destroying for cheap laughter in previous school halls. You may look smarter, but the very fact that you wasted your money on such a ridiculous fad reveals the simple truth that you, (with emphasis on SIMPLE), are not. presented by signed date
Finding an Apartment
powered by collegerentals.com
Tips & Checklist
Before You Set Out: Make a shopping list.
Are you looking for hardwood floors, dishwasher, washer and dryer? Do you have enough parking space for you and your roommates? Does the whole apartment need to be painted in orange and blue? You may not find everything, but it doesn’t hurt to set priorities.
Cover the bases.
Many landlords will want to verify your references. Phone ahead to alert possible references, including your former landlord, that they may receive a call.
During the Search: Try to see the units in the daytime. You’ll want to know how much natural light an apartment gets. It’s helpful to see what shape the place is in and whether more work is needed to make it habitable.
Do a careful walk-through of any unit you’re serious about.
The best time to ask about repairs and improvements is before you commit. Attach a list of any damages to the lease, and have it initialed by your landlord so you’re not held responsible later. This is especially important in a college town. Who knows who may have lived in the apartment before you!
Take measurements.
Take measurements of your larger furnishings (and take along a tape measure) to see how your things will fit… or what things you’ll need to buy. Be realistic about the move. If you have a king-size waterbed, maybe the fourth floor isn’t the best spot for you.
Ask Questions.
The College Rentals Apartment Tips & Checklist provides a thorough list of questions to ask.
Meet the neighbors!
Will you live above or below someone; do you share walls? Knock on doors and introduce yourself. Find out if neighbors are friendly, how they feel about noise, what they like about the neighborhood. This is a good person to ask about the safety of a neighborhood. Landlords aren’t allowed to discuss such things, but your new neighbor will know if the place has bad lighting or a wild Rottweiler problem.
Visit as many places as you can…
so you’ll have a good idea of what your money buys. Use our Apartment Checklist as a guide to inspecting and comparing choices. Then be prepared to ACT QUICKLY when you find something you like! Lots of complexes are on the internet. While you shouldn’t rely too heavily on the web, it is a good lace to get started narrowing to a list of possibilities. Check out www.collegerentals.com.
ITEM APARTMENT NAME} 1) Amount of Rent? 2) Amount of Security Deposit? 3) Amount of Late Payment Penalty? 4) Pet Fee? 5) Individual Leases? 6) Size of Apartment? 7) Penalty for Breaking Lease? 8) Furnished? 9) Private Bathrooms? 10) Utilities Included? 11) Cable Included? 12) High-Speed Internet/Ethernet? 13) Allowed to Paint Walls? 14) Ample Power Outlets/Phone Jacks? 15) Kitchen Appliances in Good Condition? 16) Vaulted Ceilings? 17) Ceiling Fans? 18) Curtains and Blinds? 19) Fitness Center? Office on site? 20) Tennis Courts/Basketball/Volleyball? 21) Overall Condition of Apartment? 22) Plenty of Closet and Storage Space? 23) Security/Alarms? 24) Washer/Dryers or Laundry Facilities? 25) Convenient to School? 26) Convenient to Bus Routes? 27) Convenient to Stores? 28) Quiet Community or Active Area? 29) Ample Parking? 30) Convenient Visitor Parking? 31) Porch/Patio? 32) Garbage Dumpster Proximity? 33) Maid Service? 34) Smoke Detectors/Carbon Monoxide Detector? 35) Gated Entry?
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Rentals Rentals
After You’ve Found It:
Read your lease thoroughly… and make sure you understand it. Don’t be afraid to ask! For example;
• What utilities are you responsible for? • H ow is the television reception? • Will you need cable? • I s there reference to existing wear or damage or a penalty for breaking the lease? • H ow does the management feel about subleases?
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Enjoy.
No apartment is going to be perfect; how much you enjoy where you live is largely up to you. Meet the people at the complex, and you’ll enjoy your living experience much more than if you stay indoors, drinking alone. Hang out at the pool. Play some basketball. Throw a party. No matter how you feel about the physical space you occupy, new friends can make you feel right at home.
Totally useless fact: Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Frequent Q&A My landlord refuses to make repairs, what can I do?
Hopefully you have kept a record of when you first reported the problem and asked that repairs be made. Be sure to document in writing each and every report and complaint made to the landlord. Keep a notebook next to the phone for recording conversations with your landlord. For each conversation, write the date, time, name of the person with whom you spoke, and what was said by each party to the conversation. If the landlord fails to make repairs within a reasonable time, you can report the problems to the city housing code office and ask for an inspection. If violations of the housing code are found, ask your landlord for a partial refund of the rent for the period of time that the violation existed. You may be able to either withhold your rent or terminate your lease if the problem constitutes a material breach of the lease or the landlord’s statutory duty to provide and maintain a reasonably safe and habitable dwelling. You must follow the exact requirements of Florida Statute 83.56. You must give the landlord a written notice demanding the repairs be made in seven days. The notice must indicate your intention to terminate the lease or withhold rent if the repairs are not made. The notice should be hand delivered or sent by certified mail. Be sure and keep a copy of the letter. This is a complicated process and the legal consequences are very serious. You should consult Student Legal Services before attempting to terminate your lease or withhold rent.
Can I deduct repair costs from my rent?
No. Florida Law does not authorize you to make repairs or to recover the cost of such repairs. In fact, most apartment leases prohibit repairs by tenants. Therefore, if you want to make repairs and deduct the cost from the rent, you must obtain prior consent from your landlord.
Can my landlord raise my rent during my lease term?
Not unless the lease contains a specific provision allowing for a rent increase. From the tenant’s perspective, one of the primary reasons for having a written lease is to lock in the rent for the rental period. READ THE LEASE BEFORE YOU SIGN IT. Normally, you should not sign a lease providing for a rent increase.
Can I break my lease if I have good reason? “I am graduating?” NO! “My roommate left?” NO! “I cannot afford the rent?” NO! “I need to work this summer?” NO! “The neighborhood is unsafe?” NO!
You can only terminate the lease if the landlord is materially violating your lease or the Florida Residential Landlord and Tenant Act. You should obtain legal advice before attempting to terminate your lease. In many cases, the best thing you can do is find a replacement tenant.
How soon must I renew my lease?
There is no legally established time period. You should not sign a lease that provides for automatic renewals or requires you to give the landlord a notice of non-renewal. If you do sign such a lease, you must strictly comply with the notice requirements imposed by the lease. If the lease does not specify otherwise, renewals are a matter of general contract law. The landlord cannot force you to renew prior to the end of your lease. However, if you do not renew by the landlord’s “deadline,” the landlord may rent your apartment to someone else.
What can happen if I don’t pay rent?
Failure to pay rent is the quickest way to be evicted. The landlord will serve a notice demanding payment of rent or possession of the apartment. If you fail to comply with the demand within three days, excluding weekends and holidays, eviction proceedings may be started. Neither surrender of the apartment nor eviction ends your liability for rent. You should immediately contact Student Legal Services if you receive a three-day notice.
Can I be evicted if I pay “my” rent and my roommates don’t?
Usually. Most leases provide that the tenants are jointly and severally liable for the entire rent. That means that you are both responsible for each other’s share and jointly responsible for paying the full amount. Therefore, the landlord can evict you unless the full rent is paid. It is possible for you to sue your roommates in small claims court to collect their share of the rent and utilities. A written roommate agreement will be helpful in proving your case in court. Given the difficulty of collecting money on a judgment quickly, the best thing you can do is obtain new roommates.
Note: This information does not apply to apartments offering individual leases.
Totally useless fact: Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
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sign on the dotted keg
CT’s Certified
Roommate Contract
Living with a complete stranger can be difficult. Unfortunately, for all of you planning on bunking up with a buddy, living with friends can also be difficult. That’s why the first thing you’ll learn about this fabled “real world” is the utter importance of getting everything (and we mean everything) in writing. To help facilitate that, we’ve drawn up a can’t-fail, tried-and-true roomie contract to help settle all disputes before they ever happen. Think of it as a pre-nup, minus the romance and sex… or not.
CT’s ROOMMATE
CONTRACT This contract hereby states that and will cohabitate in a peaceful and respectful manner from the day they move in to the day they move out. After that, they can be jackasses to each other whenever they’d like. Whereas said roommates agree not to steal each other’s significant others, one-night stands, possible hook-ups and/or prostitutes (if applicable). And whereas said roommates agree not to fart in public while other cohabitants and/or their friends and family are present (unless said fart is part of a joke or prank, in which case it is permissible). Moreover, all cohabitants agree to abide by “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
And whereas all cohabitants agree to abide by the “whoever killed it, fills it” rule pertaining to all alcoholic beverages, specifically kegs.
And whereas if one roommate buys a pizza, no other roommate may eat a slice unless given direct permission from said buyer.
And whereas said roommates agree never to wake up before 10 a.m., regardless of whether or not they have an 8:30 a.m. class (or exam, for that matter).
And whereas all roommates agree that if and when Anchorman is playing on TV, no cohabitant may change the channel or ask for the volume to be lowered. This also applies during weeks of midterm and final exams.
And whereas all cohabitants involved in serious relationships will not publicly display affection around any other cohabitants or guests unless said significant other is really, really, really hot.
All signing participants agree to uphold and abide by said rules and regulations. If any individual roommate should fail to meet these requirements, they may be subjected to hours of TPing at the hands of their fellow cohabitants.
(Sign and Date)
(Sign and Date) This contract is certified by Campus Talk and should be notarized by Frank.
DROP OF BLOOD HERE!
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Totally useless fact: Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
#1 What common En glish verb becomes its own past tense by rearranging it s letters?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couchâ&#x20AC;Ś pears to go away,
#5
1) Eat ~ Ate 2) E N T: They represent the first letter when writing the numbers one through 10. 3) ELEVATOR 4) A HANDSHAKE 5) DARKNESS
Though it ap e place to stay, m so s d n fi s ay w it al the way. devouring colors on
#2
#3
e next h t s i t age day, what er Wha v a n i n a n s O r e ett three l e? sportation n a tr f o e d o m l d s this rid _ _ _ carries more passenger s s f ottf than any other? 50
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#4 I am so
mething th but yet I have a at nothing is, name. I am sometimes tall and sometimes sho I join your talk rt. s; I join your spo rt, And I play in ev ery game. What am I?
Totally useless fact: Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
hahahaha
I bought my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It ripped her to shreds. I knew I should have bought her a car instead.
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
I made a telephone call to our local swimming baths the other day. “Is that the local baths,” I asked. The voice replied, “That all depends where you are phoning from.”
Definition of a Diplomat: A person who has the ability to say “Go to Hell” in a way that makes you look forward to going. I knew my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend said to me, “The last thing that I would wish to do is to ever hurt you.” However, it is still there on the list.
Yesterday I met a woman who compiles crosswords for a living. Her name was M something R something A.
Totally useless fact: There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.
I saw an old man trying to cross a busy road the other day and asked him, “Why are you attempting to cross the road here when there is a zebra crossing 30 yards from here?” The old man replied, “I hope he’s having more luck than I am.”
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LOOKIN’ GOOD
Beauty Reviews BY DANIELLE BOUDREAU
Fab Feet foot cleansing wipes These innovative wipes are formulated with Glycerin and Vitamin E to moisturize skin while cleansing. Infused with therapeutic ingredients such as Eucalyptus, Menthol and Peppermint, Fab Feet leaves skin feeling rejuvenated. Best of all, the convenient packaging and size allow you to pamper your feet anytime, anywhere! Available in Eucalyptus, Menthol and Peppermint varieties for $4.99 each. Buy Fab Feet foot cleansing wipes at beauty and local retailers nationwide.
Crystal ROCK Deodorant Combines powerful odorkilling natural mineral salts with natural fragrances. You’ll feel fresh and smelling great, even after strenuous activity. TheCrystal.com/Rock $6.99/ bottle Comes in Onyx Storm, Granite Rain, Cobalt Sky and Unscented varieties. Crystal Essence Mineral Deodorant Roll-On Made with natural mineral salts and infused with the relaxing aromas of lavender and white tea, the Crystal Essence Mineral Deodorant Roll-On creates and invisible protective barrier against odor-causing bacteria. TheCrystal.com $4.75 52
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Kiss My Face Sun Spray Oil SPF 30 An easy to apply, oil-based sunscreen that offers fragrance free UVA/UVB protection that’s water resistant. The perfect sunscreen for those who play hard and enjoy the outdoors! $12.95 for 4 oz. KissMyFace.com
LUSH Sikkim Girls Perfume This perfume was based on women in a café in Darjeeling that had seduced and stolen away certain men in the community. They had accomplished this while covered head-to-toe with the subtle yet sexual sway of their bodies. To capture their sensual ways, frangipani, vanilla and tuberose are included in this mix. If you love sensual, alluring floral fragrances, this is the one for you! $19.95 – $69.95 (6 sizes available!) LushUSA.com
LA Indulgence shower cap Ditch your unsightly shower cap. Keep hair dry while looking stylish with a shower cap from LA Indulgence. $24.95 retail. $19.95 with special promo code CG101 LAindulgence.com
LUSH Shine So Bright Split End Treatment A balm to transform split ends and make hair shine so bright. This balm will reduce the appearance of split ends with a plethora of strengthening ingredients. Coconut oil also adds moisture and shine. Finally the fragrance is an uplifting blend of orange flower absolute, grapefruit, neroli and rosewood. Use your finger to melt the butters and oils, then stroke it onto the ends of your hair to repair split ends, fix flyaways or achieve a sleek up-do. $9.95 LushUSA.com Totally useless fact: Abe Lincoln was the only President awarded a patent, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals.
LOOKIN’ GOOD Ouidad Climate Control Defrizzing Shampoo An extremely gentle shampoo for normal or chemically treated hair that protects curls and maintains color without stressing the hair. It’s sulfate-free formula cleanses hair without stripping hair of its natural oils. Ouidad’s Climate Control Defrizzing Shampoo specializes in long-lasting protection from frizz and flyaways while also keeping hair moisturized. Available at Ouidad.com. $18 for 8.5 oz Ouidad Climate Control Defrizzing Conditioner A luxurious, sulfate-free conditioner that hydrates and nourishes dry, thirsty curls. Defies even the highest humidity, simultaneously detangling and defrizzing curls while promoting softness and shine. Blended amino acids penetrate the hair shaft and infuse strands with hydration, leaving curls smooth and manageable with superior frizz control and color protection. Available at Ouidad.com. $20 for 8.5 oz Ouidad Climate Control Frizz & Flyaway Fighter Flyaways go away with the Frizz & Flyaway Fighter. This lightweight and non-greasy finishing product fosters a long-lasting shine and protecting curls from the elements while stopping flyaways before they start. Available at Ouidad.com. $22 for 4 oz.
AcneFree Gentle Cleansing Bar A two-in-one product to cleanse and exfoliate skin on both the face and body. The cleansing bar, formulated for acneprone skin, gently washes away dirt, impurities and excess oil. Exfoliating microbeads help to smooth and renew without irritating skin. The non-comedogenic and moisturizing AcneFree Gentle Cleansing Bar formula won’t clog pores or over-dry skin. Available at drug stores and mass market retailers nationwide. $5.99
Totally useless fact: Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University.
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hot new looks!
Summer By Danielle Boudreau
Fashion 1
2
5
3
4
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Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
hot new looks!
6
8
7
9 1) Over the Top Coral Skirt $39 Lulus.com 2) Lulus Exclusive Splash-ay! Shantay! Tie-Dye Print Shift Dress $43 Lulus.com 3) All Pants On Deck Cropped White Skinny Jeans $35 Lulus.com
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4) Crop Top Story Black Off-TheShoulder Top $28 Lulus.com 5) Wilshire Boulevard Navy Blue and White Striped Maxi Dress $63 Lulus.com 6) Far and Ombre Coral Pink Maxi Dress $58 Lulus.com 7) Skinny Zipping White Top $49 Lulus.com 8) Lulus Exclusive Art of Dip-Lowmacy Mint Blue Strapless Dress $37 Lulus.com 9) Talent Scout Beige Wide-Leg Pants $60 Lulus.com 10) Cut and Bolts Fuschia Pink Top $32 Lulus.com
Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
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Summer
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!
BY DANIELLE BOUDREAU
Mini Cooler
After a long day of studying, treat yourself to a cold soda or a tasty snack. Keeps cold drinks and snacks cool or warm drinks warm. PBdorm.com $59
Ultimate Toiletry
On the road or in the dorm, this carryall is all you need. It easily unfolds to reveal a mirror, translucent pouches for quickly locating small items such as toothpaste or floss, and sturdy, deeper pockets for storing shampoo and soap. A tough hanger lets you prop it in the shower or on the back of a door. PBdorm.com $29
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Beauty Mani/Pedi Lap Desk Deck out your digits using this supersmart beauty station. The wooden top makes the perfect surface for painting and polishing, and the interior compartments let you stow supplies. PBdorm.com $69
Ultimate Beauty Small Sectional
Take your beauty organization to the next level. Eight compartments on top let you keep everything neatly sorted and within easy reach. A drawer beneath stores jewelry and smaller accessories. PBdorm.com $59
Perfectly Prepped Hair Accessories Organizer
Finally – a place to keep all your get-ready supplies organized. This compact unit has slots on top for your hair dryer, flat iron and curling iron, plus a drawer below for clips, accessories and more. PBdorm.com $99
Duffle Hamper
Our hamper brings a smile to laundry day. Sturdy and with a reinforced rim at top, it offers plenty of room for everything, from clothes to sheets and towels. PBdorm.com $49
Totally useless fact: The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!
Divoom: Onbeat-200
This wireless Bluetooth speaker combines superb stereo and hands-free speakerphone to form a spectacular stereo sound. The Onbeat-200 contains an internal mic for use with a built-in speakerphone. Using Bluetooth capabilities, users can easily connect wirelessly up to 33-feet away. Available in Black, Red, Blue or Silver $79.90 Divoom.com
Bloody Ultra Core 3 Gaming Mouse and Mousepad
The Bloody gaming mouse is the world’s most accurate shooting mouse with auto recoil suppression and concentrated trajectory, which offers the unprecedented high headshot rate. It also offers both software and hardware dual trajectory adjustments. www.Bloody.tw
Vacuum Insulated 18 oz Charcoal Hydration Bottle
This unbreakable stainless steel bottle is equipped with Thermos® vacuum insulation technology for maximum temperature retention. The Vacuum Insulated Hydration Bottle will keep liquids cold for up to 12 hours. The sweatproof design won’t leave water rings. Fits most automotive cup holders. ShopThermos.com $15.95 Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
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hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “If an emergency, notify,” I put, “Doctor.” What’s my mother going to do?
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A college student said to his mother, “I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!”
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
“That is very nice,” muted his mother. “You can go upstairs and start with your room.”
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”
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I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?” “No.” replied the CEO indignantly. “Good,” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Totally useless fact: The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
CRACKED.COM
Real American Badasses (WHO Also Happened to be Presidents)
The history books have taught us many things about our American Presidents and the many accomplishments and failures that defined their presidency and their legacy. Cracked.com’s “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News” details quite a different From the most-read outlook on four of our presidents – the four most badass presidents of all time! humor site on the Internet, historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the “riders” made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill. And don’t think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president. He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, even though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn’t like he needed it. It wasn’t just his war record or the fact that he knew several ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn’t even the fact that he decorated the White House with African lions and a bear he’d personally killed. Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone’s right to complain about anything, ever again.
Theodore Roosevelt Checking Teddy Roosevelt’s resume is like reading a how-to guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, assistant secretary of the navy, governor of New York and a war hero. Out of all his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the First U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their
Did we mention he had asthma when growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma’s raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him. Greatest display of badassery: While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. At the time of Roosevelt’s death, a fellow politician noted: “death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight.” See more hilarious and, often times, disturbing facts at Cracked.com
Totally useless fact: The largest city in the United States with a one syllable name is Flint, Michigan.
Cracked.com, “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News,” a comedy trivia book, features 20 articles that had previously appeared on the website and 18 that are new to the book. The book includes chapters like “The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List,” and “Five Conspiracies that Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government.” Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in: • A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50 percent of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain. • The FDA wouldn’t let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt. • Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you. • The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD. • Think you’re going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are. campus talk
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CHARTED
HOW MANY TIMES SEQUELS RUIN ORIGINAL MOVIES
SEQUEL IS BETTER ALL THE TIME
STUFF I LEARNED IN UNDERGRAD THAT I ACTUALLY USE AT WORK HOW MUCH I USE HOW MUCH I FORGOT
HOW MUCH MY PROFESSOR SAID I WOULD USE
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Totally useless fact: The state with the longest coastline in the US is Michigan.
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Totally useless fact: “Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the1 letters “und.” 004-Campus-Tallk-3.8583x10.0394.indd
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august 20134/25/1363 1:42 PM
spotted!
Prince Avalanche
Spot The Differences
August 9, 2013
Paul Rudd, Emile Hirsch, Lance LeGault
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Totally useless fact: Canada is an Indian word meaning â&#x20AC;&#x153;big village.â&#x20AC;?
Totally useless fact: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am.â&#x20AC;? is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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1) left guy's patch is different color, 2) left guy's machine is missing red tube, 3) left guy's machine is missing component on left side, 4) block missing under left machine, 5) sign missing from background, 6) right guy's glasses different, 7) handle in left guy's wheel barrow is different color, 8) pens missing from right guy's pocket. 9) Brush missing from broom pole
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Final Fantasy XIV Online: A Realm Reborn PS3 PS4 PC August 27 Go online and explore the world of Eorzea in the MMO role-playing game Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. Players can forge friendships, mount up on a chocobo, board an airship with friends and create unique stories within the Final Fantasy Universe. Go on epic quests and battle Final Fantasy monsters alone or enlist the help of your friends. Each player has his or her own unique abilities and equipment that they can acquire during their adventures. 66
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Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Blacklist PS3 Xbox 360 Wii U PC August 20 With a U.S. military presence in two-thirds of countries in the world, a group of 12 reach their breaking point and initiate a terror ultimatum called the Blacklist – a deadly countdown of escalating terrorist attacks on U.S. interests. In this thirdperson action game, Sam Fisher leads a newly formed 4th Echelon unit: a clandestine unit that answers solely to the President of the United States. Fisher and his team must hunt down these terrorists and stop the Blacklist countdown.
Lost Planet 3 PS3 Xbox 360 PC August 27 In Lost Planet 3, rig pilot, Jim, leaves Earth to take on a hazardous, but beneficial contract on E.D.N. III working for Neo-Venus Construction (NEVEC). NEVEC’s existing Thermal Energy reserve is running low, and the fate of the mission depends on the natural source of the energy supply being located. Jim takes on the treacherous environment and threat of the indigenous Akrid. The game delivers a diverse range of gameplay including on-foot battles and intense first person action. With a number of multiplayer modes and a compelling single player experience.
Tales of Xillia PS3 August 6 Following Jude Mathis and Milla Maxwell, this RPG lets players take on the role of Milla or Jude at the outset of their adventure through the world of Rieze Maxia, where humans and spirits live together in harmony. The kingdom of Rashugal has been testing a powerful device that has been draining the mana from the world. Realizing the harm it is inflicting on the world, Milla and Jude set off on a journey to destroy it and restore the mana back to the world. Players engage enemies with the Linear Motion Battle System, allowing for real-time movement and attacks, giving the player a more tactile role in the midst of fights. The battle system in Tales of Xillia has been upgraded to Double Raid Linear Motion Battle System to let two characters combine their attacks to utilize dual-character attack, letting fans strategize the best party setup for their style of play.
Saints Row IV Xbox 360 PC PS3 August 20 In the latest open-world installment of Saints Row, the Third Street Saints have elevated their status to leaders of the free world. In Saints Row IV, the head honcho of the Saints has been elected President of the United States. The larger-than-life insanity of the Saints series gets a new twist with an alien invasion, and the aliens have transported the Saints to a bizarroSteelport simulation. Players can use superpowers and delve into an arsenal of alien weaponry and technology to fight for their freedom from Zinyak’s mental grasp.
Totally useless fact: There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
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I-75 EXIT 387 Totally useless fact: There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.
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Sad Lefty
Left Handers By Chad Squitieri
Living in a Right Hander’s World August is home to one of the perhaps most important holidays of the year, National Left Hander’s day. This greatly anticipated day of the year that southpaw’s across the country wait for is a day meant to recognize the difficulties and benefits of being left handed. Below are a few left handed tidbits that you probably never took the time to consider, that is unless you happen to be left-handed yourself.
POKE YOUR EYE OUT Try using scissors with your left hand. Enough said.
FOREVER ALONE
TEST DAY
You know that unfortunate situation when you have to take a test next to a left-handed student? Their elbows are all up in your space while you’re just sitting there trying to politely guess blindly on your scranton. Well consider that, and then reverse the roles. Left-handed test takers have to experience this lack of space pretty much every time they walk into a test. It doesn’t help when tests are given in lecture rooms with those weird lima bean shaped three square inch flip desks in auditoriums either. Almost all of those desks are made for right handed test takers. 68
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The perfect ending to a great vacation is often attributed to wasting money at the gift shop on souvenirs that you will probably break or lose before your next trip. One would not think that the horrors of being left handed would be prevalent in a gift shop, however this sadly is the case for the many left-handed vacationers around the country. Fortunately it does not affect a left hander’s ability to enjoy getting their name engrained on a piece of rice, or prevent them from collecting little bottles of local sand. Novelty mugs on the other hand, tend to be off limits for left handers. Next time you see a novelty mug, you know the ones with “I am cranky without my coffee” or something similar written on one side, try holding it with your left hand. Chances are the “I am cranky without my coffee” part will now be facing you, and not facing outward for the world to see that you are indeed cranky. Left-handed coffee drinkers are thus cast into a life of isolation where no one gets the opportunity to laugh at their witty mugs except themselves.
THE GAME MADE FOR SOUTHPAWS
Being left handed is not entirely bad news, at least if you are a baseball player. Though there are a few disadvantages to being a lefthanded player, such as making it awkward to play in the infield, America’s past time inadvertently gives a few advantages to left handers. For one, left-handed batters stand a few extra steps closer to first base than their right handed counterparts do. Left-handed pitchers can better keep an eye on first base than they would be able to otherwise, and left-handed batters, who tend to send the ball flying out into right field more often, get the advantage of an often shorter distance to the right field wall compared to the distance from home plate to the left field wall. Left-handed players are also in good company. Some famous left-handed baseball players include Ty Cobb, Barry Bonds, and Babe Ruth. So this August, if you wish to see what life is like for left handers, try to do some of your daily tasks using your left instead of right hand. But for real, just be careful with the scissors.
Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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AN ESSAY BY AN NYU APPLICANT This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? hing ice. I have n seen scaling walls and crus I have a dynamic figure, ofte making them ks, brea h lunc my on n stations been known to remodel trai ic slurs for ethn e slat heat retention. I tran more efficient in the area of time efficiently. age man I ras, ope g innin rd-w Cuban refugees, I write awa for three days in a row. er Occasionally, I tread wat ing, I can pilot us and godlike trombone play I woo women with my sensuo I cook Thirtyand ed, spe ing agg unfl with bicycles up severe inclines stucco, a minutes. I am an expert in Minute Brownies in twenty . Peru in law out veteran in love, and an le-handedly e glass of water, I once sing Using only a hoe and a larg a horde of ferocious from in Bas zon Ama the defended a small village in Mets, I am the cello, I was scouted by the army ants. I play bluegrass large build I d, bore ntaries. When I’m subject of numerous docume ng. On glidi g han n urba y enjo I . suspension bridges in my yard free of charge. I repair electrical appliances Wednesdays, after school, less bookie. concrete analyst, and a ruth I am an abstract artist, a evening wear. uroy cord of my original line Critics worldwide swoon over fan mail. I have been ive rece I yet en, citiz ate I don’t perspire. I am a priv t summer won the weekend passes. Las caller number nine and have al-force demonstration. rifug cent eling trav a with I toured New Jersey I bat .400. international ts have earned me fame in My deft floral arrangemen t me. botany circles. Children trus deadly accuracy. small moving objects with I can hurl tennis rackets at eld in one day perfi Cop id Dav Moby Dick, and I once read Paradise Lost, evening. t tha h an entire dining room and still had time to refurbis arket. I erm sup the in item food y ever I know the exact location of p once slee I CIA. the with rt operations have performed several cove tion in Canada, vaca on e Whil ir. cha a in p slee a week; when I do sleep, I seized a group of terrorists who had I successfully negotiated with me. to ly physics do not app a small bakery. The laws of paid. On weekends, I frolic, and my bills are all I balance, I weave, I dodge, Years ago I te in full-contact origami. to let off steam, I participa n. I have made dow it e writ to ot forg life but discovered the meaning of toaster oven. a and li mou a meals using only extraordinary four course Juan, cliff-diving I have won bullfights in San I breed prizewinning clams. lin. I have Krem the and spelling bees at competitions in Sri Lanka, and I have ery, surg art n-he ope ed played Hamlet, I have perform spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to
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Totally useless fact: Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
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Presented to:
ron swanson
‘Stache of our Generation Award
Such fine accoutrements
Cut for Further Enjoyment! Ron Swanson played by Nick Offerman in NBC’s “Parks and Recreation”
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Totally useless fact: James Buchanon was the only President to remain a bachelor.
Totally useless fact: Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
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Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is â&#x20AC;&#x153;screeched.â&#x20AC;?
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Totally useless fact: Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case â&#x20AC;&#x153;y.â&#x20AC;?
Totally useless fact: The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
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Totally useless fact: The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
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Totally useless fact: Dr. Seuss pronounced “Seuss” such that it rhymed with “rejoice.”
you sooooo cheated
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Totally useless fact: Sherlock Holmes never said “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
CRYPTO QUOTE
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hahahaha
My sister’s boyfriend said to her the other day, “Your figure reminds me of a salt pot.” “I will take that remark as a condiment,” she replied.
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
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At a recent visit to my dentist, as soon as I walked in he told me to say, “Aaah.” When I asked why he replied, “Because my cat has just died.”
The police arrested my two kids the other day for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks. One of them was charged and the other they let off.
The pharmacist replied, “George Clooney was in here not 10 minutes ago.” “Really,” my wife replied. “No,” said the pharmacist. “I made it up.”
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7/15/13 4:29 PM
Totally useless fact: Captain Kirk never said “Beam me up, Scotty,” but he did say, “Beam me up, Mr. Scott.”
AS THE SUNBURN SETS IN…
Dog By Daniel Sutphin
Days of Summer (Debt) With another summer on its end, the post-vacation money crunch hits hard and fast.
Taking a break from life’s stressors is regressive when all you’re doing is delaying and compounding the anxiety and worry of overdrawn credit cards, missed bills and late fees. Next year, instead of playing catch-up for months on end, prepare yourself for your summer playtime. Freecreditscore.com offered tips on easy ways to avoid the pitfalls of post-vacation credit debt. Save early Each month, stash a small amount toward a vacation to avoid charging all travel expenses on a credit card. Charging all travel expenses to a credit card can take a long time to pay off, which will only accrue interest and raise your credit utilization ratio (FYI: Not good for your credit score).
Select a card with travel benefits If you’re an avid traveler, do some research and consider switching to a credit card that offers better travel-related rewards that can save money on airfare, hotels and car rentals. Don’t run up a credit balance just for points, however; that could raise your credit utilization ratio.
Know credit card payment dates As per common knowledge, missing payments affects your credit score. If you’re going to be traveling when a credit card payment is due, set up a payment ahead of time using mobile banking. By doing so, you don’t have to distract from lounging time with the doubt and fear of whether or not you paid, or can make that payment.
Go old school – Bring traveler’s checks. Although a concept most likely lost on the Y Generation, traveler’s checks serve as a convenient method to avoid relying on a credit card when vacationing abroad – and to protect against credit card theft. They’re replaceable, convenient and won’t impact your credit report if stolen; ask your parents, they’ll know what they are.
To learn more about creditworthiness, visit www.freecreditscore.com.
Check your credit before and after travel Be proactive. Check your credit report before and after a trip. If your identity has been compromised while you were traveling, the sooner suspicious or fraudulent activity is detected, the sooner you can take action to resolve the problem. As a burgeoning adult, it’s important to stay on top of your credit, especially since many college students are just now establishing their credit for the first time. A month on the beach is fun, but with credit debt and missed payments creeping the back of the mind, a completely stress-free vacation will never be possible. Freecreditscore.com provides quick, easy and inexpensive access to personal credit scores, daily credit report monitoring, alerts to key changes and educational materials. It also features its Score Planner, which is free to both members and nonmembers.
Totally useless fact: Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
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I’M NOT A COOK! How 2
By Daniel Sutphin and kelly herman
Not Get Caught
Cooking
Meth Of all the drugs out there on the market, it’s hard to believe that meth is the one being as romanticized as it has been on AMC’s series Breaking Bad. With its muchanticipated final season launching on August 11, media outlets and conversations have been saturated with the subject of meth. Making meth, however, is not as glamorous and convenient as the show makes it look.
So we thought we’d spotlight Clermont County for their excellent method in drug manufacturing prevention, by enlightening our readers with the information they’ve provided. Here at Campus Talk, the making and use of illicit drugs is practically the Eighth Deadly Sin, so we thought it was time to let the experts fill us in on how NOT to look like a meth cook! Thanks Clermont County, for so eloquently and actively keeping meth labs from being started by providing all the information necessary to start one. We salute you and your moral standards! To prevent appearing as though you may be involved in the manufacturing of methamphetamine, you should avoid the signs listed by the county’s sheriff’s office. They warn that: Any single activity may or may not be sole proof that drug dealing or methamphetamine manufacturing is occurring. However, a combination of the following may be reason for concern: • Frequent visitors at all times of the day or night, and often at odd hours • Occupants appear unemployed; yet seem to have plenty of money and pay bills with cash.
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• Occupants are unfriendly or appear secretive about activities. • Occupants watch cars suspiciously when they pass by and display a paranoid or odd behavior. • Extensive security at the home or signs that indicate “Private Property” or “Beware of Dog”, fences, large shrubs, bushes and trees. • Windows blackened or curtains always drawn. • Occupants go outside the house to smoke cigarettes. • Chemical odors coming from the house, garbage or detached buildings.
• Garbage contains numerous bottles, containers, and materials.
• Evidence of chemical or waste dumping (i.e. burn pits, or “dead spots” in the yard.)
• Occupant sets out garbage for pick up in another neighbor’s collection area.
• Coffee filters, bed sheets or other material stained from filtering red phosphorus or other chemicals.
In further pursuit of the community’s safety, the Sheriff’s office goes on to list the many tools and ingredients required in order to make methamphetamine, some of which you might already have lying around the house (such as paper towels, SO DESTROY YOUR PAPER TOWELS NOW!!!!!!!). For more information on the creation of meth and the signs associated with meth cooks, visit Clermont County Sheriff’s Office Website where all the fine points are CONVENIENTLY DETAILED in a handy, scanned brochure!
Totally useless fact: In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said “Play it again, Sam.”
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
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The Choice is Yours
Powered through Facebook, Roomsync provides students the opportunity to pick their own roommate and avoid any potential roommate debacles. CT caught up with Roomsync CEO Robert Castellucci to discuss the service and its benefits, as well as its further expansion and integration into colleges around the world. Can you tell me a little about Roomsync and what lead you to create it? Yeah, it’s basically a Facebook-based way for students to find their own roommates in college. Back in 2006, I was working at a property off-campus here in Gainesville where we would do roommate matching. The resident would fill out a questionnaire on how neat they are, etc., and we would take those pieces of paper and match residents together based on them. We would then spend the time issuing their roommates. So, put yourself in their shoes. If you got the name of someone who was going to be your roommate, and you’re going to live with them for a year, what would you do if you got the name of a stranger?
Interview By Daniel Sutphin
Solving the
Roommate
Dilemma
An Interview with Roomsync CEO Robert Castellucci Roommate matching is a long-standing tradition of the college experience; however, its results often seem to lead to either unbreakable friendships or spiteful enemies. Despite this polarization, most students buckle down and work his or her way through it. campus talk
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You look them up on Facebook. Exactly. That’s exactly what would happen. What we saw was that after assigning roommates, we’d get nonstop phone calls for the next week from upset parents and residents who saw something on that person’s profile that they didn’t like. Basically, we decided to try incorporating that into the roommate matching process by creating this app; that was back in 2007. We then worked with our first client at UF, now we work with around 50 colleges across the country, plus around 50 off-campus properties. There are a total of over 100 clients across the country, and it’s as far-reaching as being used in Cyprus in the Greek Isles. How does Roomsync differ from other roommate matching programs? Traditionally (with basic roommate matching provided by student housing), what you’re going to see is being able to mark down your preferences, like how neat you are, what time you go to bed, your activity level, and some general questions that will then be taken by the administration or housing office. They will then be able to match you with someone else who would be a good fit. There’s obviously a lot of shortcomings there, being that it’s not at all incorporated with Facebook and it doesn’t give you, the resident, any control over choosing a roommate. You really just get to say your preferences. It’s also usually paper-based versus online.
Totally useless fact: Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
The Choice is Yours Has it been difficult integrating your service into college housing departments? No, it’s very easy. Our goal is to save them time. That’s why people come on board with us and will renew, because it’s very frustrating. Imagine that you’re in the administrator’s position, either you spend a lot of time going through all of those roommate matching papers, or you just take some Facebook-related calls to do this master process. Our goal is to save them time. What is the process of integrating with a college? It’s pretty straightforward. Once a kid is accepted to a college, such as UF, they can apply for housing to live on campus. UF will then send them information on how to join Roomsync. That will then take them through a process where we ask them lifestyle questions, majors, housing options and a spot for putting a general description about themselves. You can also update your interests on Facebook; it’ll show that too. It’ll then sort out all of the people with mutual friends, mutual interests and likes. Once you go through all of that, you can request the roommate and they will accept it. It’ll then get sent to UF housing and they will see the match and update their files from that. There were some studies about how roommates influence GPA. When you started this service, was that one of the goals in it or did you have any idea that this would be an outcome? It wasn’t something we thought about, me and my three cofounders. One of the things we knew was that there was a lot of interface coming through with Facebook; that’s what we wanted to cover. Looking back on it though, we’re seeing that there is a lot more potential in it, in terms of the success of students with better roommates. There’s a study that was done on the biggest stressors on college students, bad roommates listed at No. 2. The top stressor was sleep, which can also linked to your roommate. If your roommate is partying late at night and wakes you up when they come home
Do you think the success of Roomsync is aided by the fact that younger generations are so heavily reliant upon social networks and online interaction? In the past five -10 years, you really have seen this trend where students expect more, and have more control over processes that affect them; they expect more empowerment. It’s also important to speak, because now everyone has a platform to do so. Customer service is more important than ever, whether the customer is the student or the parent. When you’re getting tons of calls about problems with future roommates, there’s obviously some distance there between what they’re providing and what the students expect. That’s why it’s so important to try and include social media. With Myspace as evidence, it appears that social networks are going to be changing in popularity in the years to come. Do you think Roomsync will be easily integrated into other social media forms, since it’s really only on Facebook right now? Are there any plans, should Facebook go under, to make it its own standalone service? First of all, I think Facebook going under is highly unlikely. The other thing is that 96 percent of college students have a Facebook account; that’s a large population, and bigger than any other platform. There’s also the accuracy you get with using Facebook as well. Research has shown that the accuracy of
how people are portrayed is within 10 percent, which really helps when someone’s looking at your profile as a reflection of your personality. If, one day, Facebook is no longer being used by this demographic, sure, we’re going to have to move to another platform where all students are visiting a place to do their own research. Do you think as a parent sending your child off to college, would you be more inclined to work with a college that’s using Roomsync as opposed to others? Or do you think that further integration into colleges is going to eliminate that problem altogether? We are getting rid of that (problem), because we are growing pretty rapidly. Our goal is to have a solution for all the people who are going to be getting new roommates. We want to make them empowered to make their own decision, and the majority of schools across the country right now do not do that. Sure, if you know somebody from high school, you can put down their name and request them as a roommate, but sometimes you don’t have that luxury. We want to make it so that every school in the country has Roomsync to give students that choice. As far as from the parents’ perspective, I think there are a lot of things to evaluate when you’re going to attend college, and we want to make sure Roomsync is one of them.
Totally useless fact: Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike.
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY?
e Scan th
e cod ee the
to s trailer!
flicks By daniel sutphin
Elysium WHAT: Action, Drama, Sci-Fi WHO: Matt Damon,
Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley WHEN: August 9 Taking place in the year, 2154, “District 9” director, Neill Blomkamp, tells the story of a world split into two classes of people: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. Secretary Rhodes (Foster) is hell-bent on preventing any immigration of people from Earth to Elysium, despite how much the people on Earth try. Always down on his luck, Max (Damon) gets backed into a corner. He agrees to take on a mission that will not only save his life, but will bring equality back to the polarized worlds.
The World’s End WHAT: Action, Comedy, Sci-Fi WHO: Rosamund Pike, Martin
2 Guns WHAT: Action, Comedy, Crime WHO: Mark Wahlberg, Paula
Patton, Denzel Washington WHEN: August 2 A DEA agent and an undercover Naval Intelligence officer are tasked to investigate one another, only to discover that they have been set up by the mob. The twist: It’s the organization from which the two men believe they have been stealing money. campus talk
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We’re the Millers
Kick-Ass 2
WHAT: Comedy WHO: Jennifer Aniston, Emma
WHAT: Action, Comedy, Crime WHO: Chloë Grace Moretz, Aaron
Roberts, Jason Sudeikis, Ed Helms WHEN: August 9 An experienced, but small-time pot dealer (Sudeikis) is asked to move a shipment of weed into the U.S. from Mexico. He creates a fake family with a stripper (Aniston) and rents an RV to disguise the trip as a family vacation. The only problem is that the shipment is much larger than he expected.
Taylor-Johnson, Jim Carrey WHEN: August 16 High-school hero Kick-Ass returns, but this time with a group of normal citizens who have been inspired to also fight crime in costume. While the wannabe superheroes bust perps around the city, the Red Mist plots an act of revenge that will affect everyone Kick-Ass knows.
Freeman, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost WHEN: August 23 Five childhood friends reunite when one of them becomes obsessed with attempting an epic pub-crawl they failed at completing 20 years before. Gary King, a 40-year-old man still trapped in his teens, drags his reluctant pals to their hometown to once again attempt to reach the fabled pub, The World’s End. As they pursue the crawl, they realize the real struggle is to save mankind’s future after noticing all the townsfolk seeming a little less than human.
Totally useless fact: Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England.
rent me!
Small
Oblivion WHAT: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Andrea Riseborough, Olga Kurylenko WHEN: August 6 A drone repairman, Jack Harper gets assigned to a desolate and devastated Earth. There, he finds a crashed spacecraft with contents that cause him to question everything he believed about the war, what the proverbial ‘they’ have told him and even himself.
Screen
West of Memphis WHAT: Documentary WHO: Damien Echols, Jason
Baldwin, Jessie Misskelley Jr., Lorri Davis, Peter Jackson WHEN: August 6 The documentary details the untold events behind an extraordinary and desperate fight to bring the truth to light: A fight to stop a State of Arkansas from killing an innocent man. It examines the police investigation into the 1993 murders of three eight-year-old boys in West Memphis, Arkansas. The film goes on to reveal new evidence surrounding the arrest and conviction of the other three victims of this crime – Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin and Jessie Misskelley. All three were teenagers when they became the target of the police investigation; all three went on to lose 18 years of their lives – imprisoned for crimes they did not commit.
The Place Beyond the Pines WHAT: Action/Adventure, Drama WHO: Ryan Gosling, Bradley
Cooper, Eva Mendes, Rose Byrne, Ray Liotta WHEN: August 6 A high-wire motorcycle stunt performer who travels from town to town with the carnival, Luke (Gosling) passes through Schenectady in upstate New York to reconnect with a former lover, Romina (Mendes), only to learn that she has, in his absence, given birth to their son, Jason. Luke resolves to provide for his newfound family, taking a job as car mechanic with Robin (Mendelsohn). Robin realizes Luke’s talents and proposes to partner with him in a string of bank robberies. It doesn’t take long for the law to step in to shut down their little operation.
Totally useless fact: A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The Company You Keep WHAT: Drama, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Robert Redford, Shia
LaBeouf, Julie Christie, Susan Sarandon, Nick Nolte WHEN: August 13 When a radical activist member of the Weather Underground is revealed, a single father’s upper-middle class life as a lawyer in upstate New York is shattered. He is accused of being the triggerman at a deadly bank robbery years before. He goes on the run to evade law enforcement, encountering a slew of drug dealers, bombplanting radicals turned leftist academics, Vietnam vets and FBI agents who collectively ponder the legacy of the ‘60s while searching for the one woman who can prove his innocence.
Scary Movie V WHAT: Comedy WHO: Ashley Tisdale, Charlie
Sheen, Anthony Anderson, Regina Hall, Katt Williams WHEN: August 20 In this latest addition to the Scary Movie franchise, a couple begins to experience some unusual activity after bringing their newborn son home from the hospital. With the help of home-surveillance cameras and a team of experts, they learn they’re being stalked by a demon. Pairing its usual spoof of horror and thriller flicks with a team of pop culture heavy weights, lampooning films like Paranormal Activity, Mama, Sinister, The Evil Dead, Inception and Black Swan. campus talk
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THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG!
Irate Customer For all of you out there who’ve had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you; it’s a classic!
In tribute to those ‘special’ customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
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Totally useless fact: The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
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Totally useless fact: The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
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get these in your life By Daniel Sutphin
Back to School
Gear
Urbanears: Slussen
This powerful after-party weapon combines pocket-sized hardware and a free iOS app to mix tracks directly on your iOS device while on the go. Plug the adapter into an iOS device, connect headphones and sound system to the two adapters on the Slussen, launch the app and get ready to party. It also has a pre-listening feature to prepare for the next track. The app features a scratch function, crossfader, headphone crossfader, cue feature, equalizer, sync button and more. $15 www.urbanears.com
Bipper’s bSafe
Going off to college to live on your own for the first time can be frightening. Between the new experiences, the new people and the stress of class, worrying about your safety tends to get overlooked. bipper’s bSafe is a free app that turns your smartphone into a safety device, keeping you safe on and off campus and giving your parents and friends some piece of mind.
Booq: Mamba Courier
This lightweight messenger-style brief provides a mix of rugged protection and professional elegance, for the perfect everyday laptop bag. It is made from lightweight, but rugged water-resistant natural fiber and is designed exclusively for booq’s Fibre Collection. Two crafted-metal hooks secure the large front flap, open to reveal a zippered storage pocket sized perfectly for iPad (with or without a case). A separate padded laptop compartment is lined with non-scratch nylon fabric and includes several fitted pockets for smaller items. $99.95 (13-inch) / $109.95 (15-inch) www.booqbags.com
With the push of a button, you can alert pre-selected contacts that you are in danger and share your location. bSafe automatically sends a text message to the contacts with a link to a map with the user’s location, along with making one call to 911 or a personal contact of your choice. For non-emergency situations, the bSafe’s “Follow Me” feature lets selected friends and family members walk with you by GPS when you are walking alone.
OGIO: Newt Backpack
Engineered with high-quality, durable fabrics, water-resistant coating, hypalon, nylon webbing and custom hardware, the Newt Backpack is designed for the student, young professional and everyone in between. The main compartments are designed with a padded section lined with plush-quilted fleece and is fitted with integrated foam panels for protection. $90 (13-inch), $100 (15-inch) www.OGIO.com 90
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DefenderPad: Laptop Radiation & Heat Shield DefenderPad is an all-in-one laptop lap desk, cooling pad and radiation shielding pad. It blocks both ELF & RF radiation and heat and has been FCC certified lab tested. The light and slim profile easily slips into laptop bags, briefcases and backpacks for easy portability. DefenderPad protects against fertility issues, DNA fragmentation, toasted skin syndrome, skin burns and rashes and other serious health risks that can be caused by laptop heat and radiation exposure. $99.99 www.defenderpad.com
Totally useless fact: Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and continue living.
get these in your life
Satechi: Smart LED Desk Lamp
Satechi’s sleek, energy efficient lamp brightens rooms and charges USB devices. It features four different brightness levels – reading mode, study mode, relaxation mode and bedtime mode. The USB port efficiently charges smartphones and MP3 players and consumes only 1/8 the power of an incandescent lamp and half the power of a florescent lamp. Timer function automatically turns off the lamp to avoid unnecessary energy consumption and it’s made with three adjustable joints to adjust the LED panel. $99.99 www.Satechi.net
Sensu Brush
Delivering an authentic painting experience on your tablet or smartphone, the Sensu two-in-one brush and stylus is the ultimate tool for digital artists. It features patent-pending synthetic hair, which feels like an artist brush but is infused with copper to make it activate on capacitive touchscreens. The bristles are flexible, strong and offer resistance – a bit of spring – yielding to different paint mediums and surfaces.
BiteMyApple: STATION
BiteMyApple’s Station is a modern caddy for your smartphone, keys and more. It’s crafted from bamboo and can serve as the focal point of any desk or countertop, and stores your most important day-to-day items while adding a sleek look to your space. With three storage spaces – a place for your phone, a place for a pen, and a place for “stuff” – carved into the bamboo, the Station makes viewing your smartphone easy and keeps your important items secure and manageable. $39.99 www.bitemyapple.co
OGIO: Brooklyn
This fashionable shoulder bag serves as a laptop case and everyday purse. It’s great for women on-the-go and features a special three-button design, high visibility liner, and custom metal trims all crafted to offer women a stylish means of toting everyday accessories. Other features include a fully padded zippered iPad/tablet/e-reader pocket.
$39.99 www.sensubrush.com
Satechi: 10-Port USB 3.0 Hub
The Satechi 10-Port is a compact hub for Mac or PC for connecting multiple USB-based devices in one versatile, clutter-free solution. It features nine USB 3.0 ports and one 2.1A charging port on the side of the hub powerful enough to charge both Android and iOS tablets. It’s compatible with an array of devices including digital cameras, printers, external hard drives, keyboards, flash drives, smartphones and tablets. The sleek piano black, linear design allows for easy cable management and takes up little desk space for a clutter-free home or office environment.
$40 www.OGIO.com
$49.99 www.Satechi.net
Penclic: Mini Keyboard (K2, Wireless)
Penclic’s new wireless mini keyboard’s compact size and quiet-touch keys create a unique visual and ergonomic experience while maximizing workspace and productivity. The sleek design combines functionality without sacrificing comfort for size; the compact size allows you to centralize your work position, creating better focus and maximized desk space. Its optimal profile and ergonomic design decreases strain on the wrists, serving to counteract and reduce Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI). It’s compatible with Windows XP and later, Mac OSX version 10.1 or later and most Linux/BSD systems. $79.95 www.penclic.se Totally useless fact: Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of linen.
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get these in your life ECBC: Hercules Laptop Backpack
The Hercules laptop backpack provides large interior storage space and features the TSA-compliant FastPass laptop compartment, pockets for all your personal and work items, as well as dual hide-awayâ&#x20AC;&#x161; zippered beverage pockets. Its high-quality Kodra exterior has water-repellent coating and the front zipper pocket can be used for tickets or a passport and an ECBC FastPass system for quick security checks. Its high-density protective foam compartment fits most laptops and features an air-mesh back panel with adjustable sternum strap and dual hide-away zippered utility pockets. $139.99 www.ec-bc.com
Griffin Technology: PowerDock 5 With so many devices on the market, charging them in a convenient way can be difficult. Griffinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s PowerDock 5 provides countertop charging and storage for up to five iPads. Store and charge five iPad tablets simultaneously. Designed for convenience and efficiency, the PowerDock 5 keeps all device cables tucked away and organized, ready for use at any time. $99.99 GriffinTechnology.com
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CAMPUS
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Totally useless fact: Every time you lick a stamp, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
CITIZEN’S ARREST! The Impatient Lane Merger You may think you are being clever by scooting your compensation sports car to the front of the merging lane, but guess what? It’s not clever, nor safe, and generally makes you look like an all-around a**hole. You’re only blocking up the line more and you should be blocked by every car in the primary lane to the point that you are late to your little appointment, lose your job and become homeless, forced to live out your remaining days in the very car that you tried to force into the primary lane. Stick Figure Family Stickers on the Back Window of Your Minivan. The very fact that you have a minivan is sign enough that you have kids. The issue arises in the fact that you think the people trapped behind your vehicle care that you have kids. Children aren’t miracles; a miracle doesn’t occur because your drunken doofus of a boyfriend can’t figure out how to pull out in time. Baby on Board Stickers See Above.
It Should Be A
Fat People on Rascal Scooters in the Parking Lot Parking lot aisles provide enough space for patrons to walk along either side, allowing vehicles room to pass. There isn’t any reason to be sluggishly hovering in the center of the aisle with your eight kids bouncing around with Kool-Aid-stained faces, thus blocking the “upright” humans from parking and fleeing your voracious tribe of future-diabetic coma patients. Isn’t it already enough of an intrusion upon society that you must be lugged around on mechanical wheels to function as a normal human being?
Scooters, Stickers and Automobiles
Parking Lot Grocery Cart Abandoners How busy you must be to just randomly disregard your grocery cart in the middle of the parking lot so it blocks the space and/or aisle, thus forcing someone else to inconvenience themselves only to clean up after you. It may be hot, but it is not that difficult to wheel the cart in the designated cart area from which you parked six feet. Stop being lazy and clean up after yourself like an adult!
Social interaction in a physical, real-life environment can often be quite frustrating. Where social networking used to provide some relief to this dilemma, it too has been so saturated with loud-mouthed, foreboding, all-consuming attention gluttons that there is no escape from the daily mental rape of a self-consumed society. In that thought, just because an action or a statement isn’t illegal doesn’t mean you should necessarily go through with it.
People Who Drive with Their Arms Hanging Out the Window You would think the potential threat of skin cancer or losing an arm might affect such an action as hanging your ham rump roast of an arm out of the car window, but no! There it is, just flapping in the breeze; the fat under your arm waving like the wide tale of a kite after the string detaches, erratically struggling to maintain itself in the striking winds. No one wants to see your flabby appendage attempt to take flight, unless it could actually detach from your shoulder, in which case, your suffering could be quite entertaining.
By Daniel Sutphin
C rime Totally useless fact: Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.
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ream d s Some people are destined for greatness youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not one of them
WE
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Only Community with 4 Interior Bus Stops Gainesville’s Biggest Clubhouse Basketball and Tennis Courts Resort-Style Pool 24 Hour Fitness Center 8-Station Computer Lab 1 Mile Running Trail Astro Turf Field Stand Up & Lay Down Tanning Beds Putting Green Sand Volleyball 352.271.3131 | GainesvillePlace.com | 2800 SW 35th Place | Gainesville, FL 32608