www.mycampus talk .com SEPTEMBER 2015
CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND
Showtime Starlet
Kerris
Dorsey Takes on Ray Donovan AND High School
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOODREADING 08 Strange Labor Day Celebrations
P42
10 Kerris Dorsey Shines Through
the Star Power 14 20 Questions with Hollywood Producer Adi Shankar 18 UF’s Lake Wauburg 34 Bucket List for Sociopaths 42 How 2 Sing the Blues 52 5 Greatest Movie Coaches of All-Time 55 Inside America’s Favorite Conspiracy Theories 57 Crazy Customs From Around the World 60 5 Things You’d Didn’t Know About Hypnosis
P34 P38
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
15 What a Trillion Dollars Looks Like
P57 P36
20 Communication 22 You Know You’re In College When … 23
Origami with Krazy Glue 26 The Break-Up Chart 31 TMI: The Worst Conversations to Overhear in Public 36 Gadgets 38 How Much Do Cats Kill 39 Real Dirty Ads 40 Analogies 45 Posing with Statues 48 Flicks 54 Evolution of Man 56 Mugshot Mishaps 58 Queries for Quiet Minds
6
campus talk
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september 2015
P20
HOORAY FOR EARBUDS Hearing someone talk about Hunger (It’s really not Games. of a deal. It’s that big Try reading a movie. a book that isn’t sold at Wal-Mart for once.)
Hearing people talk about sports each involve with referring to d party their favorit team as “We.” e (You’re not on the team. If it’s team, 20 bucks a college didn’t even says you go to the college.)
Hearing people talk
about their children. (We get it. knocked up You got and did stuff that comes natura even the dumbes lly to t animals. Well of done.)
Hearing someone talk about their life and how great Good for you. it is. (Wow! You have it all figured out. Stop in other people rubbing it Xanax makes ’s faces. everyt seem better hing ).
Hearing someone recap his or her sexual exploits (at they can remem least what previous drunke ber) from the probably are n stupor. (You lying – first all – passed of out up short of and/or fell your “epic performance” .)
Hearing someone talk about their hopes and dreams, and how going to travel they’re the world. (Yeah, in your early twenti it sounds like es fun, until college but wait is over and reality kicks in.) Hearing anyone talk about their political beliefs anywhere, ever. (Voting booths have a curtain for a reason). 1
campus talk
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march 2015
Hearing someone talk about their life and how bad it is. (Everyone’s life sucks. It’s all perspective. If don’t like it, you do something about it.
TMI BY DAniEl
Basically you should never leave your without earbudhouse s becaus the bulk of conversations e which you may to fall victim are most likely going to the edge and push you to no one, anywhere, is going anything worthwto have hile to talk about.
SUTpHin
13 WOrS T TO Over COnverSaTIOn Hear In S PublIC
Older genera disconnectio tions say that the youth’s n public, becau in the real world is a bad infatuation with device se having to s, staying conne thing. Perhap bear the drive any person s they cted, and of any genera random conversation just had better conve mind-numbin rsations in s bellowing tion throug around you, g chit chats, or to inspireto close themselves off. here are the For the sake h the air would 13 of the worst some passive aggres of stifling such sive ways possible conve rsations you to piss off the people could over hear in public .
Hearing someone recap his or her sexual exploits anytim ever. (TMI man. e, Keep it in the bedroom.)
5 TMI HOT SPOT
S
THE BAR IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STOR E IN THE DINING HALL ON THE BOSS ANYWHERE OUTD OORS, EVER
Hearing someone discuss their recent transition gluten-free. to being (It’s for some people a disease just do what , but you society says is best. How’d the Atkins Diet go for you?)
Hearing two sorority girls try to break their d-bag boyfriedown nds’ texts so to send a non-committa proper l – but completely obsessi ve – response. (He’s leading on, and/or cheatin you g on you.) Hearing a group ‘dudes’ talk of about how hot that ‘chick’ was that just walked by knows how hot them. (She most likely, she is, and, none stand a chance of you , stroking your so stop ego in public.)
Hearing anyone preach their religious outloo anywhere, ever. k you trying to (Are start a fight?)
Totally useles
s fact: xxxxxx
xxxxxxxxx
Totally useless fact: Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
Editors ‘
LETTER Balancing the Books With the mad dash of moving trucks behind us and classes well underway, it’s time to buckle down and focus on the big picture. Although, the day to day can seem mundane at times, it’s important to use this state of monotony as a practice in finding balance. Fitting school, work and the ever-important social existence into each day may seem easy at first, but as the semester wears on, the balancing act can become quite overwhelming. Balance is key in the eyes of Ray Donovan star Kerris Dorsey, as she discusses her life as a high school student and successful actress, as well as her college aspirations. Producer Adi Shankar provides some insight into his career in Hollywood and his part in the creation of films Killing Them Softly, The Grey and A Walk Among the Tombstones.
Love got you down? Learn how to ease a weary heart with a guide on how to sing the blues. If that’s not enough, navigate your slighted emotions with CTs break-up chart. Freshman, do not despair, as we also discuss some thoughts on how to hold real-life conversations with physically present people, as well as some local daycation possibilities. While it’s important to be focused on the books this semester, it’s equally important to get your head out of the books and soak up the college culture. So set multiple alarms, because you’re going to need every ring, buzz and drum if you want to make that 8 a.m. lab.
Daniel Sutphin
WHAT’S on!
Editor-IN-CHIEF Lauren Douglass
CONTENT EDITOR Daniel Sutphin
art director DANIEL TIDBURY
Graphic Design Jane Dominguez Daniel Tidbury
Contributing Writers Marc Douglass Lauren Douglass Daniel Sutphin Kelly Herman Brian Hodges John Scheck Sarah G. Mason Mike Capshaw kirsten neilsen Elizabeth putfark
FASHIon FEATURES Danielle Boudrea
SPeCIAL PROJECTS Jenna Herman
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
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Promotions Amanda Liles Karen Jones AnnMarie DeFeo Georgia Summerville
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Totally useless fact: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
campus talk
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september 2015
7
WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
Puerto Rico
Just like Americans, Puerto Ricans celebrate the first Monday in September as Labor Day. But, they take our standard block parties and parades and turn them into full-blown fiestas unlike anything the most red, white and blue-bleeding American could ever dream of. Imagine your entire state coming together to barbecue, drink, beat the ever-loving crap out of piñatas and talk crap about their bosses. Now imagine doing all of that in one little town center. That’s your standard Labor Day in Puerto Rico… or a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.
Prague
While many of their neighbors are busy reciting poetry and sharing kisses for Prague’s unofficial “lover’s day,” other citizens are off celebrating Labor Day by touting the glory and greatness of communism and the Soviet Union throughout the streets. It seems these Eastern Europeans like to honor their ability to profit from their natural talents by espousing a philosophy that forces them to share their earnings or else die.
Australia
Strange By Guy Namath
Labor Day Celebrations From Across The Globe It seems so American to celebrate our hard work by taking Labor Day off to lounge around and sip cocktails all day. But lo and behold, we’re not the only ones who like to commemorate our employment with strange and unique festivities. Check out these interesting international Labor Day spectacles from around the globe!
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campus talk
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Being a low-level employee is all about finding satisfaction in the “little victories.” That’s why they don’t necessarily celebrate Labor Day Down Under… instead, they honor the Eight Hour Day with excessive drinking and tons of parties. After a long struggle with “the man” for a shorter work week, Aussies were given leaner workday hours, which they considered such a coup, they made a national holiday to commemorate it. Then again, these are the same people who find entertainment in throwing an arrow-shaped Frisbee to themselves over and over again.
England
America’s ancestors are still bitter about our untimely departure from their parental reign, so it should come as no surprise that they – along with most of Europe – buck the trend of celebrating Labor Day in September by choosing to hold their holiday in May. Dubbed “May Day” and sometimes celebrated in November (go figure…), the Brits party hard with parades, crowning a May Queen and, of course, awarding the Maypole to one lucky labourer. And let’s be honest… what party is complete without an honorary metal pole and a parade in the onset of winter?
Totally useless fact: The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’
9 TERRIFYING HAUNTED HOUSES 5 NIGHTMARISH SCARE ZONES 2 OUTRAGEOUS LIVE SHOWS EXCITING RIDES AND ATTRACTIONS
WARNING
EVENT MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13. NO COSTUMES OR MASKS ALLOWED.
WARNING
EVENT MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13. NO COSTUMES OR MASKS ALLOWED.
HALLOWEENHORRORNIGHTS.COM #HHN25 Separately ticketed event. *Based on full retail price of $101.99 with promo code (excludes Frequent Fear and Rush of Fear Passes). Offer ends 11/1/15. To receive full discount, tickets must be purchased at least 24 hours in advance with presentation of valid Florida photo ID and promo code from specially-marked cans of Coca-Cola, Coca-Cola Zero or Sprite or cups from participating Burger King restaurants. Limit six (6) tickets per purchase. Sales tax and parking fee not included. Event occurs rain or shine. No rain checks, returns or refunds. Prices, dates, times, attractions and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. Other restrictions may apply. ©2015 The Coca-Cola Company. All rights reserved. TM & © 2015 Burger King Corporation. All rights reserved. FREDDY VS. JASON and all related characters and elements are trademarks of and © New Line Productions, Inc. (s15) The Walking Dead © 2015 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All Rights Reserved. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2015 Universal Studios. © 2015 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 1510783/JC
SHOWTIME
Interview by Lauren Douglass
‘Ray Donovan’s’
Kerris Dorsey Shines Through the Star Power
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Totally useless fact: The Human eyes never grow, but nose and ears never stop growing.
SHOWTIME
With Season 3 of Ray Donovan in full swing, actress Kerris Dorsey continues to make a name for herself. The 17-year-old starlet shines as Bridget Donovan in the riveting Showtime series, alongside a stable of Hollywood greats, including Liev Schreiber, Jon Voight and Paula Malcomson. The star power surrounding her work isn’t new for her, however, having worked in films like Moneyball with Brad Pitt and Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day with Steve Carell. Kerris sits down with CT to dish on her career so far and the intimidation of working with the stars, the new season of Ray Donovan and her future in school and the arts.
“I love working” Can you tell me about the new season? Some time that has passed since the events in Season 2. My character gets involved with a new family. Bridget is also still dealing with a lot of the emotions that happened with Marvin at the end of Season 2. She’s at a new school and dealing with that drama, as well as the past that is following her. She is questioning everything and why it is changing. Everything is different now because of what happened with Marvin. Tell me about how you prepare yourself for roles. For Bridget, personally I love music so much; it is a huge part of my life as well as my acting. It is fun to listen to music to get into the mood for filming, so I make a playlist to listen to. What is the set like? I love working on the set because the people are so amazing. All of the actors are the nicest people and great at what they do! We definitely have this chemistry behind the scenes. Even when we have serious scenes we have a lot of laughs. The crew is amazing and the set design is also amazing. I always love when we are all together on set. What is it like to work with this cast? I love them! I love to learn; it’s a huge part of why I love acting. Working with Jon (Voight), Liev (Schreiber) and Paula (Malcomson) – everyone in the cast, the directors and writers – it's such a dream and learning experience.
I started the show when I was 14 so from then to now, I have grown a lot as an actor. Were you intimidated by the other actors? Oh yeah! [Laughs] I’m always intimidated by working with new people. It’s so easy to build them up in your own head. I watch videos, interviews and hear stories – I watched Salt a million times. Liev played a Russian spy in it; he seemed like a super intense dude. When I finally met him he was so lovely, intelligent and nice. Ultimately, when I get intimidated and build the other actors up and psych myself out, it always ends up exceeding my expectations. I’ve been lucky. So with still being in high school, do people at school treat you differently because you’re on the show? Not really. I suppose there are some people that try to. It’s easy to see through the superficial ones that come along. They can be pretty see-through, so I try to keep my distance from them. You kind of gain a radar to figure out who is genuine and who isn't. You just recognize it at face-value and then go hang out with your real friends who don’t care that you’re on a show. What are your plans in the future? First, I think Ray Donovan will go on longer so we will see where that goes. Acting is a huge passion of mine, and I love music so I’m going to pursue those. I also want to go to college. I want to experience as much as I can. I feel like you’re a sponge at 17, so it’s important to take in as much as you can.
Totally useless fact: The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. campus talk
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hahahaha
Remember to
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary? A: Wrong.
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: Because he took a short cut. Q: Why couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the bicycle stand up by itself? A: It was two-tired!
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? A: Ten-tickles
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Q: When does Friday come before Thursday? A: In the dictionary
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat? A: A heavy discussion
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? A: a Vel-Crow
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise? A: A trum-pet!
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick? A: The dock
Q: Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble
Totally useless fact: Tom Sawyer was the first novel written on a typewriter.
SIGN LANGUAGE!
NOTICE: CLASS HAS BEEN
CANCELED FOREVER DUE TO LACK OF STUDENT INTEREST
Totally useless fact: If Texas were a country, its GNP would be the fifth largest of any country in the world.
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A CREATIVE GUY
THE “ART” OF FILMMAKING Interview By Daniel Sutphin Photos by Warren Remolacio
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Totally useless fact: There are 1 million ants for every human in the world.
A CREATIVE GUY
20 Questions with Hollywood Producer Adi Shankar Narrowing down the interests and mindset of Adi Shankar is difficult to do. With an impressive filmography and cult following behind him, the humble producer is short with thoughts on his career in filmmaking. Through an unexpectedly quick Q&A, we attempt to get to the bottom of What role do you play in making the films? It depends on the film. I like to consider myself a creative person. That’s about it really. Is there a certain approach you take to a film? Or is each film different? No. Usually I don’t even read the script. So, no. It’s just random. I kind of draw numbers out of a hat.
Is there a draw that they have? Well, I don’t think the general public really cares about movie actors anymore. But I would love to do a movie with Taylor Swift.
Filmography: MACHINE GUN PREACHER THE GREY
Do film companies approach you or do you initiate a film? Usually they approach me. Some of the films have a similar feel and visual look, is that something that you bring to the table? Yeah. Totally. That’s all me man.
KILLING THEM SOFTLY BROKEN CITY LONE SURVIVOR A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES THE VOICES
What inspires that look? I’ve always been a big fan of the Undertaker in professional wrestling. It’s really the Undertaker that inspired the look. Are you still watching wresting? I watch it. I was actually watching it this morning, but only the Undertaker. I don’t care about the other wrestlers. I don’t actually even care about wrestling. I just care about the Undertaker. Have you always lived in America or did you grow up in India? I grew up in India and China. I moved to America when I was 16. Did growing up in an international spectrum influence your work? No. Honestly, I think American propaganda exists everywhere in the world so you get that influence anywhere. That tends to be louder everywhere anyways. Are there certain actors that you enjoy having in the films? How does that affect you perspective on the film? Yeah, there are definitely certain actors that I like working with.
Shankar’s perspective and its influence on the many projects noted for fueling his fast-tracked, curious career, and in doing so, discuss his influence from WWEs The Undertaker, his desire to hire Taylor Swift in whatever his next project may be, and his goal to become a professional wrestler.
DARK JUDGES GANGS OF WASSEYPUR Why so? She’s super hot.
If you are on set, do you instruct the actors or work with the directors? I really don’t have that much influence. For the Dark Judges mini-series, how did you approach that work compared to films? Well I wanted to do something polar opposite of the movies. The movie was … well … on a critical level it worked. The idea was to approach something to bring out the satire and the comedy from the comics. It drew 100,000 views in one week alone, how do you think releasing it online swayed its success? I don’t think anyone really cares. Do you have anything new you’re working on? I’m trying to become a pro-wrestler. What kind of wrestler would you be? I’d be like the manager who comes in and helps them cheat. I spoke to Diamond Dallas Page and he told me I could use the “Diamond Cutter”.
How do you think Ryan Reynold’s fame can affect the film? Well, it was better than having some random dude from random theater play a thing. It wasn’t as good as having Brad Pitt.
How do you feel about the old guys like Ric Flair still being in it? The Internet has totally changed the way entertainment works. When YOU were young, when wrestling came on, it only existed in that world. You didn’t think about what Bret “The Hitman” Hart did from Tuesday to Sunday. Now, we live in a 24-hour news cycle and we also live in a world where you have access to people on an hourly basis, not even a daily basis. I think it is imperative (for these characters to exist) – for wrestling and entertainment – they’ve developed an entire universe of characters. You need Sting to comeback. You need Ric Flair to come back. They are part of the continuity.
Are you more hands-on at the studio or do you work more with the editors after the shooting is done? I’ve been in two editing rooms ever.
It’s kind of like Marvel Comics. You want Venom to make a cameo every now and then in a Spiderman comic. It’s supports the success of it.
With The Voices being more of a dark comedy instead of action, is there a different approach you took to that? That’s interesting because with The Voices, it didn’t start off as a comedy. It became more of a dark comedy. It was first designed as a genre bender. So I guess how I feel about it will determine how history feels about the movie – it’s either going to become a cult classic or nobody is going to know what it is.
Totally useless fact: PEZ candy even comes in a Coffee flavor.
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TRANSFORM TOMORROW
TODAY.
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SUMMERTIME AND THE LIVING’S EASY!
By Ami Gavarian
burg UF’s Lake WauOf Fun ffers Plenty O
For a cheap
Daycation
While yo downt u’ve navigat ed the own li ke t bars an little co d llege t hey ’re your own h clubs in mid own w more t o - and e o m lo of the offer when y ve so much e, this Un ou ste has pa kept se iversity sect or. One few miles o crets is ut o enjoya U ble an F’s own Lak f those beste Wau d free d studen burg – ayt ts an out an presenting ime destinat Gator ion wh d get a 1 ere litt ID the tem peratu le wet ‘n’ wild cards can ha r ng e w s are s Locate ith frie till hig nds wh Highwad just about h . ile y 441, eight
to tho Lake W miles than a se who love t auburg is ansouth of cam he beac few min p o h but dutdoor oasisus on utes to o th enjoy it n s perks’t want to drat caters . ive mor e
, sail boat e o n a c e e r Rent a f at for a few laps o or paddle b lake. When your e h around t ed from rowing, ir arms get t he sandy beach t n post up o illing, beach r for some g d sunbathing. n volleyball a rg even offers a u Lake Waub ll, water skiing a climbing w rding for the a b e and wak o urous. t truly adven around on ,, g in ly f o d off Instea your days and n o h c u o c the ther riends toge ke for f r u o y t e g er to the la head on ov day out in the d a fun-fille so much fun to ’s sun. There forget about all l ’l u have, yo rk your putting o the homew terms. id m off until
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Rules and urs Operating Ho Regulations 00 Shore opens 12: Tuesday–Friday: North s (pets). No alcohol. at 1:00 p.m. North No dog wered motors. p.m. and South Shore opens -po gas No at 6:00 p.m. and South Shore parks close ent sign-out ends one hour Shore Boat and equipm th Sou and th Nor ts and equipment ay: nd Saturday & Su before the park closes. All boa ore closing. e at 6:00 p.m. clos and . bef a.m our 0 f-h 10:0 hal at a n in ope ed parks must be turn Monday: Closed. nopy, FL 32667 133 Regatta Dr. Mica 799 112 Fax: (352) 466-0 px Phone: (352) 466-4 .as rg bu au .edu/lakeW www.recsports.ufl
Totally useless fact: The Earth experiences 50,000 Earth quakes per year and is hit by Lightning 100 times a second.
charted
why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m only average looking, but have a fun personality I’m shy around girls, but great once I get to know them I’m a level 80 Paladin
I don’t hang out with the popular crowd, but have fun, close friends I can’t afford to buy her nice things, but am willing to put in time and effort
practical use of the colon
why villains in scooby doo are arrested
For actually committing a crime
For putting on a costume and scaring people
just who is this guy? awful burglar
Leaves thing behind
breaks into houses SANTA CLAUS
first-year roommate
stoned burglar
eats your food
Beginning lists Business Letter Greetings
Time :) :( :-/ : P
Totally useless fact: Every year 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
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BODY LANGUAGE!
Communication
! I H
s? arle y Ch a R hts? hlig hig
, llo He
er es h ? o do h nose job W Is that a Yikes! It’s a giraffe! Ho That ou wo tfit w ould fte look nd bette oes r on m she e! wo rk o ut?
t! oo gf Bi
Can you sa y “fivehead ?!” Must be Dumbo’s cousin! jections! in y collagen ay! Definitel w ad bro ose ll th le! a c b ould a ta y sh an The r th e t t Fla Ni ce ou tfi t, h ob o!
! Y HE
WH A UP T !
YO! “Hey”
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Totally useless fact: On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
oooh, nasty!
irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur
Check eoto send us picturees toof yo
Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th
Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: During a severe windstorm or rainstorm the Empire State Building sways several feet to either side.
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COMMON IN COLLEGE!
You Know You’re In College
When…
Your professors speak English… as a second language.
You take ckets condiment pa s and napkin from fast food y, he restaurants – ! ee fr e they’r
College is a unique experience unlike any other phase in your life. But the sensory overload of endless partying and complete autonomy makes it difficult to pick up on the little nuances that make college so special and distinctive. Well, here’s a little help to remind you that, yes, you’re actually in college.
You know what people carrying suspiciously heavy backpacks after dark are doing…
Beta FIsh are like your family.
Showers become more of a hassle than a daily requirement.
Your teachers swear in class and no one cares.
You are no longer thankful that FIre alarms are here to protect you.
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You bring back socks from the laundry room that may or may not be yours.
You donate plasma even though you know it’s pretty sketchy.
The elevators take forever but you’ll wait 10 minutes just so you don’t have to climb stairs. Your roommate asks you to check the weather on your computer when they’re standing FIve feet away from the door.
Taking a nap in the library is perfectly acceptable.
Totally useless fact: Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
folding fun Created by KariAnne Wood, Thistlewood Farms
Krazy Glue Origami Letters Create last-minute personalized dorm room and apartment decorations to brighten up any space. Perfect for a centerpiece or even a gift for your roommate!
Supplies:
Directions:
• Oversized pressboard letters and ampersand • Cardstock (in a variety of colors) • Paper cutter • Red spray paint • Scissors • Krazy Glue Craft Gel Available at www.krazyglue.com
• Spray paint the front and back of the pressboard letters and ampersand. Let dry.
•C ut out triangles in a variety of colors using a paper cutter. All triangles should be approximately the same size for the first layer.
• Arrange the triangles in a pattern on the letters. The triangles will overlap the edges of the letters and ampersand. Glue in place with Krazy Glue and let dry.
•C ut additional triangles in a variety of shapes and sizes. Fold triangles in half and layer different colors on top of the first layer. Glue in place.
• Flip letters over and trim excess with scissors.
• Continue layering until you have achieved the desired effect.
THE WHAT’S HAPPENING NETWORK
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Totally useless fact: The Black Death reduced the population of Europe by one third in the period from 1347 to 1351.
From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.
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FLOOR PLANS FILLING UP FAST! RESERVE YOUR SPACE TODAY!
life lessons
LESSON
5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
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Totally useless fact: The average person spends about two years on the phone in a lifetime.
hahahaha
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Q: Why is there a gate around cemetaries? A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: What do call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand? A: Quattro Sinko
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? Q: Why did the woman put her money in the freezer? A: She wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look flushed
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!
Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying? A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
little store just Got Bet t s e G ter! G Bi the
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saltydogsaloon.com • 1712 W Univ ave
Totally useless fact: Length of beard an average man would grow if he never shaved 27.5 feet
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to break up or not to break up
The Reversal
26
The Forced Light
Characterized by
Making yourself the victim in the breakup
Staging an argument to facilitate a pre-planned break up speech
Standard Quote
“It’s not you, it’s me”
“You know what pisses me off about you”
Why you think you do it
Cause it will make the other person feel better
Cause there needs to be the right moment
Why you really do it
Cause you don’t want them to be mad at you
Cause the speech you came up with while trying to fall asleep is just so perfect!
Wht it’s bullshit
Obviously it’s them, that’s why you want to break up. Unless you’re a werewolf
It leaves the other person confused, even if your reasoning is legit
Truthful Quote
“It’s totally you”
“I’ve prepared a break up speech”
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Totally useless fact: Over 60% of all those who marry get divorced.
to break up or not to break up
The Trade-Off
The Destiny paradox
Bottoming out your relationship to force the other person to end it
Waiting until you find a replacement before ending your current relationship
Making the universe the culprit in the break up
“Well if you’re so mad at me all the time, why don’t you just dump me?”
“You know (our relationship) hasn’t been good for a while”
“If it’s meant to be, we’ll find each other again some day”
Cause you don’t want to be the bad guy
Cause you’re not sure you can get anyone better
Cause you live by your feelings
Cause you’re a pussy
Cause you’re afraid to be alone and are a horrible person
Cause it takes the decision out of your hands and sounds romantic
it can take months to work, and those months will be awful
The break up will inevitably come as a total surprise to the other person, since you were hedging your bets
You back the other person into a corner, forcing them to either accept the break up peacefully or deny that you might have a cosmic connection
“I want to break up, but am a coward. Could you please do it?”
”I’ve upgraded”
“I want to break up but I also kind of want to string you along too”
The MurderSuicide
Totally useless fact: 400-quarter pounders can be made from 1 cow.
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play with yourself
R E B M SEPTE
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
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GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
rs are answe page 79 on
Totally useless fact: A full-loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes at least 20 minutes to stop.
play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES Totally useless fact: Coca-Cola was originally green.
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you sooooo cheated
R E B M E SEPT
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?
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Totally useless fact: Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
HOORAY FOR EARBUDS Hearing people talk about sports with each involved party referring to their favorite team as “We.” (You’re not on the team. If it’s a college team, 20 bucks says you didn’t even go to the college.)
Hearing someone talk about Hunger Games. (It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s a movie. Try reading a book that isn’t sold at Wal-Mart for once.)
Hearing people talk about their children. (We get it. You got knocked up and did stuff that comes naturally to even the dumbest of animals. Well done.)
Hearing someone talk about their life and how bad it is. (Everyone’s life sucks. It’s all perspective. If you don’t like it, do something about it.
Hearing someone talk about their life and how great it is. (Wow! Good for you. You have it all figured out. Stop rubbing it in other people’s faces. Xanax makes everything seem better).
Hearing anyone talk about their political beliefs anywhere, ever. (Voting booths have a curtain for a reason).
TMI By Daniel Sutphin
Hearing someone recap his or her sexual exploits (at least what they can remember) from the previous drunken stupor. (You probably are lying – first of all – passed out and/or fell up short of your “epic performance”.)
Hearing someone talk about their hopes and dreams, and how they’re going to travel the world. (Yeah, in your early twenties it sounds like fun, but wait until college is over and reality kicks in.)
Basically you should never leave your house without earbuds because the bulk of conversations to which you may fall victim are most likely going to push you to the edge and no one, anywhere, is going to have anything worthwhile to talk about.
Hearing two girls try to break down their d-bag boyfriends’ texts so to send a proper non-committal – but completely obsessive – response. (He’s leading you on, and/or cheating on you.)
13 Worst Conversations to Overhear in Public
Older generations say that the youth’s infatuation with devices, staying connected, and disconnection in the real world is a bad thing. Perhaps they just had better conversations in public, because having to bear the random chats bellowing through the air would drive any person of any generation to close themselves off. For the sake of stifling such mind-numbing chit chats, or to inspire some passive aggressive ways to piss off the people around you, here are the 13 of the worst possible conversations you could over hear in public.
Hearing someone recap his or her sexual exploits anytime, ever. (TMI man. Keep it in the bedroom.)
5 TMI HOT SPOTS
THE BAR IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE IN THE DINING HALL ON THE BOSS ANYWHERE OUTDOORS, EVER
Totally useless fact: Hong Kong holds the most Rolls Royce’s per capita.
Hearing someone discuss their recent transition to being gluten-free. (It’s a disease for some people, but you just do what society says is best. How’d the Atkins Diet go for you?)
Hearing a group of ‘dudes’ talk about how hot that ‘chick’ was that just walked by them. (She knows how hot she is, and, most likely, none of you stand a chance, so stop stroking your ego in public.)
Hearing anyone preach their religious outlook anywhere, ever. (Are you trying to start a fight?)
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T OUW! NO
charted
retail: customer is always right
my memes memes iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m proud of
memes that make the front page
Right
An asshole
why alarm clocks are useful
when you say youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on your way
Getting ready On Facebook/Social media
On your way Still at home
They woke you up in the morning You can say they malfunctioned and that is why you are late
Totally useless fact: Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
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AS LONG AS YOU’RE SHOOTING WHY NOT SHOOT FOR THE STARS?
Bucket List
for Sociopaths by john scheck
We all need to make goals for ourselves; even the most ethically-challenged in our ranks must set their sights towards the horizon…maybe just a little higher so you can see over the walls and barbed wire. Remember, if you don’t have a dream then the dream can’t come true. Is that also true for nightmares? Here are a few ideas for you to ponder while waiting for our case to be called.
ne’s Spoil someo ty. r a p surprise
Carve your na Lord Byron me on some ancient mon did at the Te uments like mpl It’s easy now because we e of Poseidon in Greece. have power tools.
inning Invade Russia at the beg win! and ter win d col y of a ver
Become addict ed to somethi quit just to ng and then show how to ugh you are.
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al ulti-nation a major m ruptcy. f o CEO e Become th into bank nd drive it company a
at tell a child th Be the first to thing as Santa Claus. ch there’s no su
Totally useless fact: Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
you need these! By Jenna Herman
The Back-To-School Bag BRV-PRO Boost the boom in your outdoor experience with the full sound and bass projection of Braven BRV-PRO. With endless stream capability, the BRV-PRO uses solar panel chargers and versatile mounting options to provide a top-notch soundtrack to your adventures. $149.99 www.braven.com
BRAVEN Balance Wireless rules the world in the Braven universe. The new Balance pumps rich, warm bass optimization with a waterproof exterior. Perfect for an afternoon at the pool, the Balance plays for an impressive 18 hours and features Boost Mode, to instantly surge to a full power outdoor setting, ideal for large areas. fashioned with a built-in speakerphone and a 4000mAh internal battery to charge your smartphone, Braven’s Balance is the music-loving college student’s top want. $129.99 www.braven.com OGIO: Hamptons Carry your essentials in style with Ogio’s new Hamptons women’s tote. A fleecelined laptop compartment fits most 15-inch screens, and the padded tablet sleeve is great for your iPad or e-reader. For further convenience, a trio of side flap pockets offers ideal spots for smaller items. $69.99 www.ogio.com
Bracketron: SmartCord Sling Bag Perfect for a day at the park, or a walk through town, the SmartCord Sling Bag is lightweight travel and protects your earbuds and belongings from the elements. Its colorful, soft-touch silicone pouch protects earbuds and cords, and is lined cushioned storage compartments perfect for iPads and tablets. $24.95 www.bracketron.com
booq: Taipan shock With clean design, large storage capacity, and smart organization, the Tiapan shock is a lightweight backpack with a thickly padded laptop compartment. Essential for any student stuck on campus all, the Taipan also provides storage for 7-inch tablet in front zipper pocket, a large main compartment with copper-colored lining, and multiple interior accessory pockets to keep gadgets and gear organized. The adjustable, padded shoulder strap system makes carrying comfortable. Also, two roomy side pockets offer space for keys, umbrellas, water, or anything that needs quick access. $95 www.booqbags.com
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Totally useless fact: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
you need these!
Rumbatime Gramercy Collection Watch Colorful and stylish, these watches come in a variety of colors. The alloy case back with mirrored finish gives a polished edge, while the custom braided band and toggle sets it apart from the average watch. $70 rumbatime.com M-Cuisine Cool-touch Dish and Bowl This innovative product is specifically designed to help you use your microwave more effectively. The double-walled designed with a steam vented lid allows you to cook and serve directly from the microwave, without burning your hands. Perfect for heating soup, oatmeal, or leftovers! $12 josephjoseph.com Liberate XL Headphones These stunning and sophisticated headphones deliver powerful bass while comfortably encompassing your ear to provide passive isolation. Stainless steel design and a fabric covered cord ensures that the looks is just as good as the sound. Comes in Midnight black with grey ear coverings, or saddle brown with light grey ear coverings. $129.99 thehouseofmarley.com
Origami Owl Watch and Necklace This adorable jewery is customizable: you can choose from a variety of watch faces, locket faces, and wrap bracelets to match your outfit or your mood. They can include tiny charms to create a â&#x20AC;&#x153;living locketâ&#x20AC;? you can wear on your neck or wrist. Watch $34 and up; Necklace $14 and up; origamiowl.com
Rajesh Blue Pillow This gorgeous throw pillow features embellishment and sequins sewn onto a light beige background. Perfect for adding a bit of color and style to your home or office. $90 41winks.com
Rumbatime Chelsea Clutch This vibrant clutch comes in five bright colors, so you are sure to find one that suits your style. At 20 cm by 10 cm, it easily fits all major cell phones but is small enough to easily fit in one hand. $20 rumbatime.com Totally useless fact: Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
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murder of the feline kind!
How much do cats kill? Cats schedule this week…
MON Eat cat food Sleep Play
One in three cats kills prey Of these, they average about two kills per week
According to a study 21% of your cat’s victims are brought home 30% are eaten
You know those ‘gifts’ your cat leaves on your doorstep?
21%
TUES Sleep Blink lazily Sleep
WED THURS
MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER
Eat Sleep Look cute
FRI
SAT
SUN
Cuddle with owner Doze off
Purr Sit on owners face at 3am Look cute
MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER
49%
k…kkk…kkk kkill mm mm mmeee!
ARE LEFT TO ROT
30% 49%
Keep in mind that these are well-fed domesticated cats, meaning they’re not killing for survival
THEY’RE DOING IT FOR FUN! (What your cat shows you)
The corpses you see account for less than
BAHAHAHHHAAAA! You must die, and I’m not even hungry!
OF THE ACTUAL BODY COUNT.
There are an estimated
84 MILLION
cats living in this country – 24 million of them are murder cats
(What your cat DOES NOT show you!)
and the total body count from domesticated house cats every year is
TWO BILLION, NINE HUNDRED AND TWELVE MILLION
2,912,
This means that if cats were killing people, every year they would wipe out 41% of the human population
Dogs are a mans best friend. CATS ARE MAN’S ADORABLE SERIAL KILLERS! 38
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Totally useless fact: Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
HOLY SMOKE!
Real Dirty
Ads
As far as what you can say and can’t say, there seems to be a lot of leeway in advertising these days. However, what one might considered to be risqué today may of been a standard marketing campaign in the mid 1900s. These ads may seem like something straight out of AMC’s Mad Men, but they are, in fact, REAL advertisements!
Kellogg’s Pep VitaminsEnhanced Wheat Flakes
“Gosh, Honey, you seem to thrive on cooking, cleaning and dusting and I’m all tuckered out by closing time. What’s the answer?” “Vitamins darling! I always get my vitamins.
Tangee Presents Bright ‘n Clear
Tipalet
“Hit her with tangy Tipalet Cherry. Or rich, grape-y Tipalet Burgundy. Or luscious Tipalet Blueberry. It’s Wild! Tipalet. It’s new, Different, Delicious in taste and aroma. A puff in her direction and she’ll follow you, anywhere. Oh yes… you get smoking satisfaction without inhaling smoke. Smokers of America, do yourself a flavor. Make your next Cigarette a Tipalet. Totally useless fact: The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Tangee’s newest lipstick shade – Bright ‘n Clear is the brightest, clearest, most dazzling red on record. It is exactly the color and lipstick America’s leading beauty authorities say smart women should wear. And – exciting miracle! – here is an indelibletype lipstick that actually stays Bright ‘n Clear for hours and hours. It will not dry your lips… will not go dull and lifeless even after blotting. So start your Bright ‘n Clear future today! campus talk
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It’s like... By Daniel Sutphin
A Lesson in
Analogies One would think that by the time a student reaches college, proper use of grammar and an overall understanding of the English language would be somewhat cemented. With the public educational system what it is in modern America, however, it’s not surprising that some details in the various standard subjects get missed and/or forgotten. In case you fall into this category of students, CT has compiled a list (from the Internet) of badly written analogies to help deter you from falling victim to such grammatical folly.
experience, He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from eclipse like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar d the aroun goes now and it in e pinhol a with without one of those boxes at g lookin of rs country speaking at high schools about the dange pinhole in it. a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
We have puppies & Kittens Who need foster homes & forever homes!
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
The politician was gone but od unnoticed, like the peri after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. The little
leaSHeS, FooD, & vet Care inCluDeD PluS Free Dog training at Dream Dogz BeHavior Center. Call Haile’s angels Pet rescue at 352.505.0302 or email hailesangelspetrescue@gmail.com for info. no room to foster? You can still help! Please volunteer or make a donation. medical Care, Laser surgery, therapeutic Laser treatments, dentistry, pet supplies, natural pet food, Boarding, Grooming, adoptions, house Calls available
5231 SW 91St Drive, Haile village Center • 352.377.6003 • HaileanimalCliniC.Com 40
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boat gently Long separated by cruel drifted across the fate, the star-crossed pond exactly the way a lovers raced across the grassy field bowling ball would n’t. toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at The hailstones leaped 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the from the pavement, just 4:19 at ka other from Tope like maggots when you fry p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. them in hot grease.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328. com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw. quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. Totally useless fact: Golf courses cover 4% of North America.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
R E B M E T P E S
SUDOKU QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
Totally useless fact: The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
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BROKEN HEART STRINGS
How 2 Sing the Blues It’s not uncommon to experience a lot of love and, in turn, a lot of loss when it comes to relationships in college. It may seem cliche but heart ache has been around for centuries and the blues has been nursing broken hearts for decades. In case you have heartbreak knocking at your door, here’s a quick lesson on how to sing the blues, so you can turn your dark days back to the light.
begin Most blues morning.” is th up “woke an” is a bad way “I got a good wom , unless you write to begin the blues on the next line: sty na something an – “I got a good wom in town.” g do st with the meane ter you have the Blues are simple. Af it. Then find t first line right, repea es. Sort of. ym something that rh With the “Got a good woman got teeth He wn. meanest dog in to her. And he like Margaret Thatc unds. weighs ‘bout 500 po
The blues are not about limitless ch oices. Blues cars are Chev ies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blu es transportation is the Greyhound bu s or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a majo blues lifestyle. So do r part in the es fixin’ to die.
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s. Adults t sing the blue Teenagers can’ d means oo th ul ad Blues sing the blues. electric e th get old enough to an in m a t oo sh u chair if yo r. But bo Ar n Memphis or An better. ds un so Memphis e blues in You can have th not in but New York City, ens. Hard ue Q or Brooklyn t or North times in Vermon depression. a st ju e ar Dakota uis, Ann Chicago, St. Lo as City ns Ka d an r Arbo places st be e are still th s. ue bl e th ve to ha
Do you have t to sing the he right blues? Yes, if: A. your fir st name is a southern state-lik e Georgia B. You’re blind C. Yo u shot a man in Mem phis. D. You can’t be sa tisfied. No, if: A. You we re once blind but now ca n see, B. You’re deaf, C. Yo u have a trust fund, Your baby didn’t leave you. Neither Pat Boone no Randy Travis can sin r g the blues. Somewhat surprisingly, Willie Nelson can sing the blues.
The following colors do not belong in the bl ues: A. violet, B. beige, C. mauve , D. taupe, E. flamingo. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong . Good places for the Blues: A. the highway, B. the jail house, C. the empty bed. Bad places: A. The Mall (c’mon, folks!), B. receptions of any kind, C. Kennebunkport, Maine , Crawford, Texas No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an African American man in his advanced years.
Totally useless fact: The only nation whose name begins with an “A”, but doesn’t end in an “A” is Afghanistan.
BROKEN HEART STRINGS If you ask for water and your baby gives you . gasoline, it’s the blues are: s rage beve s blue r Othe A. wine (Ripple, MD 20/20), B. Irish whiskey, C. muddy water. Blues beverages are NOT: A. Any mixed drink, B. Any wine kosher for Passover, C. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
Some Blues names for Women A. Sadie, B. Big Mama, C. Bessie, D. Bertha, E. Josephine F. Lucille, G. Stella. Some Blues Names for Men A. Joe B. Willie C. Little Willie D. Big Willie, E. Willie B., F. Lightning, G. Blac kburn, H. Shotgun, I. B.B. Note: Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, or Skye will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men the y shoot in Memphis. Nor should jugglin g comedians. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) A. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asth B. First name (see above) or nam matic), e of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi), C. Last Nam e of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). Or, you could generate your own blu es name.
It is not a blues death, if you die during a facelift, a liposuction treatment, or Botox application.
A Blues way to communicate is to dial up the telephone or to “holla.” Blackberrys or iPods are not Blues ways to communicate. Blues weapons A. shotgun, B. snub knife, “doing th nosed 38, (probably the e dozens,” most deadly). People with the Blues eat barbecue , grits, corn brea d, beans, and th eir (they) last mea l.
Good blues instruments : Guitar (Lucille), Slid Saxophone, Ha e Trombone, rmon bass, piano, drum ica, string s. Bad blues instruments: ev erything else, particularly inap prop oboe, french ho riate are the rn, and viola.
You got the blues if you have lumbago or a bad back. You don’t have the blues if you have a mental disorder ending in “syndrome.” Black Jack is a good blues game. Keno is not a good blues game. Blues jobs Include working on the railroad, picking cotton, musician, just got fired. Blues animals Include the junkyard dog and mule (not donkey).
Good blues words and their pronunciations/usage: Word Blues Example I cain’t sang no more Sang Sing Thing Thang That thang ain’t no good Cain’t I cain’t be satisfied Can’t He ain’t no good Is Not Ain’t Think Thank That boy don’t thank enough Drank Dont drank that drank Drink As in B. B. Kang Kang King They shoes ain’t no good They Their You deaf, You funny etc You’re You
Totally useless fact: The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Most country songs can be interchanged with blues songs (woman left me, crop didn’t come in, dog died, etc pretty much work in the blues). Finally: Epitaph on a blues musician’s tombstone: “I didn’t wake up this morning”
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...or you could just grab your copy of Gator Bucks!
www.GatorBucks.com
strike a pose
How to Pose with Statues
Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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What in the world?
What is the generic term for a sweetened carbonated beverage?
Soda.
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Pop.
Coke.
Totally useless fact: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am.â&#x20AC;? is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
seriously funny!
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real people and telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ‘’Well, why is that, sir?’’ The doctor answered, “The men’s brains cost more, for they have never been used.” After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they’ve ever had. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down. The therapist says to the husband, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” After a moment the husband replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”
Totally useless fact: The “save” icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.
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GET THE CANDY! Black Mass WHAT: Biography, Crime, Drama WHO: Johnny Depp, Benedict
Cumberbatch, Dakota Johnson WHEN: September 18 Johnny Depp plays White Bulger, the brother of a state senator and the most infamous violent criminal in the history of South Boston. Based on the true story, the film follows Bulger’s descent, as well as his turn as an FBI informant, tasked with bringing down a Mafia family invading his turf.
flicks By daniel sutphin
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials WHAT: Action, Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Dylan O’Brien,
Kaya Scodelario, Thomas Brodie-Sangster WHEN: September 18 The Maze Runner saga continues with The Scorch Trials. Thomas (O’Brien)leads his fellow Gladers in their search for clues about the mysterious and powerful organization known as WCKD. On their search, the Gladers find themselves in a desolate landscape called the Scorch, filled with unimaginable obstacles. Aligned with resistance fighters, the Gladers take on WCKD’s advanced forces, uncovering the group’s evil plans for them all. 48
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A Walk in the Woods Everest WHAT: Adventure, Drama, Thriller WHO: Jake Gyllenhaal, Keira
Knightley, Robin Wright WHEN: September 25 Man faces nature in the adventure/drama Everest. Inspired by the events surrounding an attempt to reach the summit of the world’s highest mountain, the film records the seemingly impossible journey of two different expeditions challenged beyond their limits by one of the fiercest snowstorms ever encountered by mankind. The harshest elements test the climbers as a lifelong obsession turns into a struggle for survival.
WHAT: Adventure, Comedy, Drama WHO: Robert Redford, Nick Offerman, Kristen Schaal, Mary Steenburgen, Nick Nolte WHEN: September 2 Instead of retiring to enjoy his loving and beautiful wife, and large and happy family, travel writer, Bill Bryson, strives to hike the Appalachian Trail. His long lost and former friend Katz joins him on the trek as a way to sneak out of paying some debts and sneak into one last adventure before its too late. Trouble ensues when the two realize their definition of “adventure” differs immensely as they push each other closer to the edge.
The Intern WHAT: Comedy WHO: Anne Hathaway,
Robert De Niro, Nat Wolff WHEN: September 25 Widowed and retired, 70-year-old widower Ben Whittaker realizes that the golden years of retirement aren’t all they were led to be. In attempt to get back in the game, Whittaker takes on the role as a senior intern at an online fashion site, owned by Jules Ostin.
Totally useless fact: The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
rent me!
e Scan th
Mad Max: Fury Road WHAT: Action, Adventure, Thriller WHO: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron,
code the
Nicholas Hoult WHEN: September 1 A reboot of the ‘80s classic, humanity is at war with itself and life necessities are the prize. Within this world of stark desert and madness exists two rebels on the run who believe they can restore order: Max (Hardy), who seeks peace of mind following the loss of his wife and child in the aftermath of the chaos, and Furiosa, a woman of action who believes her path to survival may be achieved if she can make it across the desert back to her childhood homeland.
to see trailer!
Small Screen The Age of Adaline WHAT: Drama, Romance WHO: Blake Lively, Harrison Ford, Michiel
Entourage WHAT: Comedy WHO: Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven,
Kevin Connolly WHEN: September 29 The HBO show cast returns, but this time on the big screen. Vinnie, Eric, Turtle, and Johnny have new ambitions but their bond remains strong. Teamed with verbose, but motivated agent-turned-studio head Ari Gold, the boys continue to navigate the fickle and often cutthroat world of Hollywood.
Furious 7 WHAT: Action, Crime, Thriller WHO: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker,
Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham WHEN: September 15 The latest addition to the high-energy Fast & The Furious franchise, Furious 7 brings back the cast from 6, and boosts the action a little more over the edge with Expendables, Transporter star Jason Statham. He takes on the role of Deckard Shaw, seeking revenge against Dominic Toretto (Diesel) and his family for the death of his brother.
Huisman, Ellen Burstyn WHEN: September 8 Adaline (Blake Lively) ceases to age following an accident one icy night, but keeps her condition a closely-guarded secret while embarking on a number of incredible adventures throughout the 20th Century. A chance encounter with a charismatic philanthropist named Ellis Jones (Huisman) reignites Adaline’s long-suppressed passion for life and romance. A weekend with his parents turns into something more when Ellis’ father (Ford) recognizes her from decades before when he was a young man.
Totally useless fact: The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army. G.P. for ‘General Purpose’ vehicle.
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spotted!
s l e e pi n g wi t h other people
Spot The Differences
september 11, 2015
Alison Brie Natasha Lyonne Adam Scott Jason Sudeikis
Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
Sept 4-27: Sept 4: Sept 11-13: Sept 11: Sept 18: Sept 19: Sept 25:
Spring is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
Peter and the Starcatcher Hippodrome Theatre Downtown Concert Series Ricky Kendall, 8 PM Paint Out, Live Painting Event Kanapaha Botanical Gardens Downtown Concert Series Flat Land, 8 PM Downtown Concert Series De Lions of Jah, 8 PM ButterflyFest Florida Museum of Natural History Downtown Concert Series The Shambles, 8 PM
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida 50
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@ Gainesville
Totally useless fact: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Totally useless fact: Honking of car horns for a couple that just got married is an old superstition to insure great sex.
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1) Ball, top right, is missing, 2) Main guy has new hair, 3) Lady, left, has a microphone instead of cup, 4) Middle girl bra strap is missing, 5) Middle kids has different color tshirt, 6) Girl, centre, has hand band missing, 7) Kid, left, had long trousers, 8) Tree, left, missing, 9) Dog added bottom left.
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
PLAY ‘TIL THE WHISTLE… OR ‘TIL THE DIRECTOR YELLS CUT! Pat Morita as Mister Miyagi in The Karate Kid (1984)
Not only does Miyagi take a scrawny, high-school kid from New Jersey practicing karate in his mom’s living room to the All Valley Karate Championship, he also fixes his bike and gives him a lifetime supply of bonsai trees. On top of all that, he beats up anyone who bullies him, talks smack within the enemy grounds of the Cobra Kai dojo, gives Daniel-san vintage wheels so he can seal the deal with Elisabeth Shue and magically heals his busted leg so he can properly exercise an indefensible karate move that he, himself, taught Daniel-san. What else could you ask for in a coach? You’re the best… around… nothing’s ever gonna keep you down!
By Chris Humphreys
Acting Like You Give A Damn
5 Greatest Movie Coaches Of All-Time From Caddyshack and Slapshot to The Natural and Raging Bull, every sports movie has its fated hero we grow to love and adore. But behind every hero there’s a motivational force pushing that individual towards greatness. In the case of The Basketball Diaries, that force happens to be drugs and alcohol… but in most cases, that driving force is something – or, more accurately, someone – we affectionately call our coach. Here are the five best coaching performances in sports movie history. Agree with us or we’ll stick your ass on the bench, rookie!
Burgess Meredith as Mickey Goldmill in the Rocky series (1976–82)
Apparently, being a successful coach is not necessarily directly tied to being a coherent individual. At least that’s what Mick taught us in the Rocky series. Mumbling and gritting his teeth from match to match, Mick helped guide a rather airheaded Rocky to bouts against Apollo Creed, Thunder Lips and Clubber Lang. His legend is so big, he was actually turned into claymation for a Lipton Ice Tea commercial a few years ago. You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder! 52
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Denzel Washington as Herman Boone in Remember The Titans (2000)
Based on a true story, Washington’s character is thrust into racially charged and recently desegregated 1970s Virginia. He takes over a controversial head coaching position, once held by a more popular white coach, and unites his team around football, discipline, togetherness and running drills until they vomit. Admittedly, this is a little unfair, since any time you stick Denzel in a role where he has to get loud and emotional, you’ll end up with movie gold.
Walter Matthau as Morris Buttermaker in Bad News Bears (1976)
Despite the numerous Bears films that came afterwards, it was Matthau who originally defined the drunken, downtrodden minorleaguer-turned-little-league coach who bit off more than he could chew with a bunch of miniscule, mop-topped troublemakers. He chain smoked, brought liquor into the dugout, recruited a girl to pitch for his team and allowed his kids to curse, spit and fight. What kid wouldn’t want a coach like that? In doing so, he taught his kids that winning isn’t necessarily everything… so long as you beat up the winning team afterwards and steal their trophy.
Gene Hackman as Norman Dale in Hoosiers (1986)
Arguably one of the best basketball films ever made, Hoosiers tells the tale of a coach who moves to a small Indiana town where basketball is religion and is asked to take over coaching responsibilities for the local high school. Hackman essentially turns into the town’s personal Jesus, winning over the hard-hearted locals, helping a teammate deal with an alcoholic father, and playing a game with only four boys instead of five just to prove a point. He even manages to bag the hot brunette teacher in his spare time. Of course, he could be going over game film instead… Honorable mention: Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own; Nick Nolte, Blue Chips; Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man; Ben Kingsley, Searching For Bobby Fischer; Carl Weathers, Happy Gilmore; Billy Bob Thornton, Friday Night Lights; James Gammon, Major League
Totally useless fact: Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg’s Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce masturbation.
Multiple ways to reach new custoMers.
352-371-5881 sales@whpinc.com 2
Flourish Magazine | Mar/2013
Quote here. Person Name
future of man
evolution of man Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got just what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
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VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
Totally useless fact: When a Hawaiian woman wears a flower over her left ear, it means that she is not available.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
Area 51 Located in Nevada on the 99th Air Base Wing at Nellis Air Force Base, Area 51 is the conspiracy theory to end all conspiracy theories. While gambling junkies are funneling away their life’s savings a mere 83 miles away in Las Vegas, conspiracy junkies are hemorrhaging cash in an attempt to get closer to the source of everyone’s greatest fear – UFOs. The airspace above Area 51 – known as The Box – is completely restricted, and the government only stokes the flames of conspiracy with their ever-evasive attitude towards the base and its contents.
Inside America’s
Favorite Conspiracy
Theories
This country is founded on the belief of disbelief. Whatever we’re told, we question its credibility, criticize its source and scrutinize anyone who doesn’t share the same paranoid sense of cynicism as us. But some theories are so outrageously ridiculous, we can’t help but wonder whether or not there’s some truth behind them. You know, the same way we can’t help but wonder if Joan Rivers is the first human ever to survive on 99 percent plastic and silicone.
By Ami Gavarian
Among the theories hovering like a UFO around Area 51, many believe that the government has confiscated crashed alien aircrafts and conducted secret meetings with extraterrestrials in the underground chambers of the base. Others believe that time travel and teleportation technology has been developed there. And what would a conspiracy theory be without a group of neurotic folks screaming their tin foilcovered heads off about Area 51 doubling as a One World Government headquarter?!?!
FEMA Concentration Camps
Long before they utterly screwed over an entire region of the country, the Federal Emergency Management Agency was lambasted for wanting to round us all up, throw us all in communitysized camps and help facilitate the dawning of martial law in America. Known as “the secret government” by extremists, FEMA has long been suspected of developing concentration camps that would keep us all in check while the powers that be fly around in their little black helicopters and rule the country from a secret cave located somewhere in Mt. Rushmore. With laser beams, of course. Citing the fact that FEMA was started by circumventing Congress by creating a series of Executive Orders, tons of conspiracy theorists gobble up the “us versus them” aspect of innocent, helpless citizens versus big, bad government trying to detain them in order to take over the country. If only these loons were as organized as the teabaggers….
Totally useless fact: A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation.
Denver International Airport’s Underground Tunnels
Dead people lying in open coffins. Children sleeping on piles of bricks. Rows and rows of women mourning. A city aflame with militiamen harnessing swords and guns. A little girl with a star of David on her chest and a Bible in her hand. These are all part of the cryptic drawings on a mural at the Denver International Airport. And that’s just a preface to the several supposed underground tunnels and chambers meant to house up to five million people when the apocalypse hits. But, wait… it gets better. Theorists not only believe there’s a massive shelter for survivors of Armageddon underneath one of the largest airports in America, they also hold firm the belief that aliens are being kept there, too. With barbed-wire fences pointing inwards and shrill sounds emanating through the halls that’ll drive you crazy, the Denver Airport Tunnels are ripe for interrogation by fans of Dan Brown and Harriet Tubman alike. campus talk
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UP CLOSE AND HILARIOUS
Mugshot
Mishaps As the selfie craze continues to sweep the nation, it’s obvious that people love having their picture taken and/or taking pictures of themselves. Despite society’s selfie over-saturation, there are some scenarios in which no one cares to have their picture taken: Mug shots, not only for the nature in which the photo is being taken, but also for the fact a mug shot tends to capture a person at their worst. But, as with most things, if it’s someone else’s misfortune, it’s usually fairly entertaining. So we’ve decided to compile the most hilarious mug shots we could find. The lesson: Don’t break the law, and if you do, don’t get caught, because this could be you.
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Totally useless fact: Eating the heart of a male Partridge was the cure for impotence in ancient Babylon
OTHERWORLDLY China: Foot binding
A storied Chinese tradition for more than 1000 years. Foot binding was considered a symbol of the highest beauty for Chinese women. The practice involved binding the feet to invoke shrinking so they may fit into three-inch lotus shoes. The binding causes painful effects for years to come and limits a person’s movement and activities. Nowadays, the practice is considered a symbol of eroticism and chastity of Chinese Tradition.
By Daniel Sutphin
At your own risk: Look up more pictures of the terrifying results of this ancient torture. We withheld the worst photos of these beastly mutations for the sake of keeping you as readers.
Crazy
Customs From around the world Perception is everything. What stands as custom to one may seem completely foreign to another. The reality of these customs is often based on traditions passed down through generations of families and communities. Where Americans may think that calling soccer ‘futbol’ is weird, it is probably stranger to the rest of the world that we call their long-tradition of futbol by the name of ‘soccer’, only to take football for our own national pastime. Regardless, judging other cultures’ customs is entertaining, especially when they seem alien to our perception. CT has compiled what we think are the strangest, or at least, the most entertaining of these customs; partially for education, but mostly for entertainment. FYI: Most of the customs listed are not practiced any longer.
Self-Mummification Sokushinbutsu were Buddhist monks or priests who allegedly
caused their own deaths in a way that resulted in their being mummified. This practice is said to have taken place exclusively in northern Japan around the Yamagata Prefecture. Between 16 and 24 such mummifications have been discovered. Basically, priests would ingest over 1000 days of a nut and seed diet to rid their body of all fat. They would then eat bark and drink poisonous tea over another 1000 days to make their bodies poisonous to maggots after death. The tea-drinking also caused vomiting and massive fluid loss. The final part involved the monk inhabiting a sealed tomb that contained nothing but an air tube and small bell. The bell would be rung once each day to let the outside world know they were alive. When the bell stopped ringing, the tomb would be sealed for another 1000 days before the mummified priest was removed and put on display in the monastery.
Indonesia: Finger Cutting The practice is straightforward; the reasons, however, not as much. To mourn the loss of family members, Dani tribe women suffer great physical pain in addition to emotional pain. When a family member dies, female members cut off a segment of one of their fingers. The practice is said to be upheld to satisfy ancestral ghosts. Totally useless fact: Napoleon’s penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000.
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we want to know Why is it called a u TV “set” when yo e? only get on
Why does your nose run and your feet smel l?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Queries for Quiet Minds There are some questions in life to which you might not ever get a quality answer. As frustrating as it is too sit and ponder such impossibilities, the only way to figure out the right answer, is to know how to ask the right question. To help further your already “expansive” knowledge on life and how everything works, CT has collected some of life’s ultimate questions, as well as a few others for good measure.
Why does an alarm Why does “cleave” clock “go off” mean both split when it begins apart and stick ringing? together? Why is it, whether Why is there an you sit up or sit down, the result is expiry date on my the same? sour cream container? Do they have rese handicap people atrved parking for nonthe Special Olympi cs? Why call it “take” a dump, when you leave something behind?
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Totally useless fact: In medieval France, unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town naked.
my rough life!
my roommate ate my hotdog without a bun, now I have an uneven ratio of hotdogs to buns.
Totally useless fact: The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.
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fun facts
By Laura Aiuto
5 Things You Didn’t Know
About… Hypnosis And Chickens: A chicken can be hypnotized! Holding its head down and drawing a continuous back-and-forth line in front of it will cause the chicken to remain immobilized – hypnotized – for up to 30 seconds. Don’t believe us? Ask Al Gore and Will Smith – they’ve both admitted to hypnotizing their chickens.
Hyper Hypnosis: Contrary to common belief, the hypnotized person is not sleepier, less aware of surroundings or subject to the whims of the hypnotist. Hypnosis is actually a state of hyper-attention, with most people remembering everything under hypnosis more clearly than they remember regular interactions. And Surgeries: To save money on your next surgery, try hypnosurgery. Patients use hypnosis instead of chemical anesthetics to sedate the pain; one particular surgeon in Belgium has done over 4,800 of these hypnosurgeries. However, it only keeps you from feeling pain “in the traditional sense” – whatever that means. 60
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The truth about who can be hypnotized, what goes on during hypnosis and how to save money during surgery. Nothing New: Most people experience hypnosis everyday. The state a person is in when he or she is completely concentrated on things such as a movie, a videogame or driving is a state of self-hypnosis. If you’ve ever been so engaged that you didn’t notice someone calling your name or didn’t remember the drive home from school – congratulations! You’re a bone fide hypnotist! And Mesmerize: Hypnosis has its roots in Franz Mesmer’s Animal Magnetism theory, which postulates that there is magnetic fluid in every living organism. The English word “mesmerize” comes from his last name and originally referred to the process of helping people concentrate to connect with their magnetic fluids. And no, it was not a euphemism for a “happy ending” massage.
Totally useless fact: The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant.
Totally useless fact: Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
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