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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN! P12
CONTENTS
GOOD READING
09 Day Trippin’
10 Thrifting For Dummies 12 Katee Sackhoff 14 There Ought to Be A Word 15 Top Excuses to Skip
P85
the Fallas Festival 16 Cheap Stuff You Ca Proudly Give Your Friends 18 Art of the 34th Street Wall P61 29 Study: County Drinks Excessively P09
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P34
30 Serial Killer Hall of Shame 34 How to Drop a High
P14
School Friend 53 Tipping 56 You Got Towed 58 Dr. Justin Piasecki 61 Time to Let Go 81 How to Find Fulfilling Work 82 Fireworks: A Guide to America’s Favorite Explosives 84 How to be Funny 85 Theories to Ruin Your Childhood 90 6 Utterly Stupid Inventions
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Canada makes up 6.67 percent of the Earth’s land area.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR
P32
ENTERTAINMENT 20 Future Reference
22 The -Ism Dictionary 23 Equation
P58
32 The Man Test: Plumbing 36 Cookies of Fortune?
P58
42 Success at Every Level 43 Lesson 1 46 Should I Text Him? 48 Real American
Badasses: Kennedy 49 Insults 52 Sore Thumbs P58 66 Beauty Reviews 68 Gadget Reviews 70 This Month in History 86 Flicks 92 Pooponomics P58
P58
P58 P58
P58
P58
Totally useless fact: South Dakota is the only U.S state which shares no letters with the name of it’s capital .
P58
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER The Calm Before the Storm
By now, traffic has lessened and lines at bars and restaurants have thinned, but beware, for the Summer B stampede is just around the corner. Enjoy your lackadaisical jaunts around town and your elbow-room at the bar while it lasts. Soon, everywhere you turn, there will be gaggles of freshmen meandering around with their little maps clutched in shaky hands. Despite this negative outlook regarding their invasion, we should remember that we were all freshmen at some point, and what better time to practice the frustratingly arduous skill of patience than now? If patience is beyond you, just remember this: eyes down, earphones in, blinders on. Whether a freshman or not, CT is here for all to enjoy. And this month we’re packing in all new material to educate, fascinate and, all in
all, entertain. CT sits down with “Longmire” actress Katee Sackhoff to discuss the A&E series, as well as her role in the new “Riddick” film. There are tips on thrift store shopping and day trips to the beach, as well as a course preview on how to be funny. We also threw in a guide to fireworks to get you ready for this year’s Independence Day, as well as an interview with Roman Krznaric on “How to Find Fulfilling Work.” They say patience is a virtue, but then, people say a lot of things. College towns will always run in such cycles and it’s good to remember that we all are forced to deal with it. So buck up and enjoy this brief time of freedom while it lasts.
Daniel Sutphin
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Contributing Writers
Marc Douglass kelly herman Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN Kelly Herman
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: The KGB is headquartered at No. 2 Felix Dzerzhinsky Square, Moscow .
D AY TRIPPIN’
surf’s up!
By Mike Stanley
A Beach Bum’s Guide to Hitting the Shores
. Nevermind, Go to the beach, I dare you get ready and m just stay in your dor er. It’s not est sem ng chi for the approa summers like this is one of the only e, free to do you’ll have away from hom least the h wit whatever you want, r have eve ely lik ’ll you responsibility t, wes BEACH. again. GO TO THE BEACH. Go y you go, wa Going east? BEACH. Either d, water san , Sun ch. you’ll find the bea ments ele r fou se the h and wind – wit beach. the of combined, you are captain
The shores are packed with inviting local shops, equipped with everything you need to make a good day on the coast. No matter the direction you choose to travel, first priority should be hitting these shops to stock up on everything “beach.” You’re going to want to look for a few things on your beach-prep excursion: 1. Beach towel (Not an activity, but you’ll hate yourself without it) 2. Sunscreen 3. Frisbee 4. BoogIE board 5. Skim board 6. Kite 7. Digging equipment (preferrably plastic, for castle development) 8. Hat (You need a new one anyway) 9. Volleyball (any ball for that matter) 10. Flip-flops
If you’re going to the beach alone, Nos. 4 and 5 are crucial, but 3 is still the most important. It’s always windy on the beach, meaning you can literally throw the frisbee to yourself. And, by throwing a frisbee to yourself on a crowded beach, you’re bound to get approached by one of two people: A curious female, in which case you’ve already broken the ice because she’s going to ask you what you’re doing, and then you can ask her to join. Or by an inquisitive male, who will either tell you to stop doing what you’re doing because you look crazy (probably jealous he didn’t think of it first), or you’ll end up making another disc-slinging friend; a win-win if you ask me. If you’re not into balls or discs, look for bike rental shops. There’s no better place to ride a nice cruiser than on wet sand with the wind blowing through your hair. If you hate exercise, you’ll be delighted to know you probably aren’t far from the nearest mini-golf course. And if you just want to relax and soak in some rays, all you need is a towel, sunscreen and headphones.
Totally useless fact: In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!
If all else fails, get creative. Sit down by the water, and design the finest drip castle you’ve ever made. Never heard of a drip castle? Well, take a look at the water threshold on the sand, sit about 20 feet from the edge of said threshold and start digging, either with previously purchased equipment, or your hands until you strike gold, or in this case water. Scoop sand out of the hole and pile it up far enough away so it doesn’t fall back into your burgeoning water reserve. Once you strike water, grab handfuls of wet sand and slowly start letting the drips of sand fall from your fingertips on the edge of your hole. The best way to do this is to grab a handful, then put your middle, forefinger and thumb together and let the sand run down your fingers in this position. You can then start massaging your middle and forefingers with your thumb to get a steady drip going. You’ll notice that once the wet sand falls off of your fingertips and hits the dry sand surrounding the hole, it will harden and form into little dried sand drip-balls. To begin building your walls, drop your drips on top of each other for height, but make sure you start out with a wide base, because the higher you get, the more unstable your drip-wall will be; you have to make sure that hole is protected. If you have a weak structure, your friends will question your architectural integrity and this could send said friendship into a downward spiral of doubt. Lastly, if you came friendless, you’ll want the best odds of attracting a curious onlooker, and if you have a weak drip-structure, nobody is going to want to participate in fortifying the hole. campus talk
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One Man’s Trash ...
Thrifting By Kelly Herman
for Dummies cheap, Sometimes smelly, often times res can be but always a thrill, thrift sto n and your one-stop shop for fashio urn, and ret nds household needs. As tre new r you need basic things for you often place, the cluttered aisles are firstpacked with hidden gems. For bit a be timers however, it can few things overwhelming, so here are a t browsing to remember when you’re jus t or on the prowl for the perfec elbow-patched cardigan.
First things first: do you even know what a thrift store is? No, it’s not one of those upscale secondhand stores. It’s also not a vintage store, selling thrifted items that have been dolled up for a major profit. As tempting as these beauties are, they are not thrift stores. Real thrift stores are dirt cheap, have tags stapled into the clothing, and colored stickers with a scribbled number stuck onto the corners of all the items. They’re often dirty, may have a funky smell and could possibly possess holes and stains. Do not let this deter you! There are great things stashed between the Cosby sweaters and the oversized pleated shorts. You just have to look for them. 10
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Now that you’ve been educated, do some more research on the local spots. Look online for thrift stores in your area and try to find a site that rates the stores based on the criteria you care most about. Want really cheap stuff? The store of your dreams may be extremely cheap but it may not be rated as particularly clean or organized. That’s the fun of thrifting though: digging until you find the fedora you had always been searching for in over-priced mall boutiques. It’s also smart to call ahead or look at each store’s personal site to find out when the best sales are, because there are different sales for different days. Mondays can be 30 percent off all furniture, while Saturdays are 25 percent off everything in the store. Also check out store hours, because the earlier you go, the fewer people you’ll have to battle to the death for a retro scarf. Since you’re going early – get caffeinated! You have to get energized and be focused for the long day ahead of you. You’re not going to find the matching set of picture frames if you’re not zoned in to the task at hand. It could take a few hours in each store to find and try on the mountain of items you end up finding.
Last but not least, remember who you’re shopping for and who you’re shopping with. Be sure to bring the friend that enjoys long hours searching through clothes and weird nicknacks, and with any luck, that person will not be your size. This way, you can find things for yourself, and each other, without competing for the shirt that’s just your size – and theirs. Also try to go through your closet beforehand. What is a repeat offender? Can you just not stay away from leather heels or old 35 mm cameras you promised yourself you’d eventually fix up? What’s missing? Is there a tweed coat you’ve been dying to find but haven’t set your heart on yet? Remember your weaknesses, as well as the kinds of things you’ll actually wear when you get home (just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean you’ll wear it!), and you’ll be golden.
Totally useless fact: The average American looks at eight houses before buying one.
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PART OF
EXPERIENCE IS EVERYTHING
“Always trust your instincts because your instincts will never let you down.” Interview by Lauren Douglass
Actress Katee Sackhoff does it big. With “Sexy Evil Genius” under her belt, the return of A&E’s “Longmire” and the new “Riddick” with Vin Diesel on the way, Sackhoff has a full plate – and a lot of great experiences to tell. Here, she talks with me about moments from the set, her experience in action roles and her dreams for the future.
Katee Sackhoff 12
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Totally useless fact: In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
EXPERIENCE IS EVERYTHING
“I might be a daredevil at work, but I never want to jump out of a plane.” The new season of “Longmire” premiered in May. What’s it all about? “Longmire” is a present-day western that takes place in Wyoming in a small town called Absaroka County. It’s about a sheriff who’s very conservative and does things by the book. My character is from Philadelphia, so she does things the way she would do them in the big city. It’s a great show in the sense that it provides the audience with a mix of procedural and serial television. If somebody wants to come in and watch the show right now, they don’t need to know what’s going on, but for the audience that has been along for the ride the entire time, there’s enough story material to make it a nice mix.
a character is feeling, because it’s really obvious. It really just pushes you into the moment and forces you to be present.
What has the filming been like? The people here are great. I really do love it a lot, though the weather makes filming hard. The weather can change on a dime; one day you’ll be in a sandstorm, the next you’ll be rained and snowed on, and the next it’ll be 80 degrees – it’s just all over the place! You just have to do your best to prepare even though you’re stuck outside. Thankfully we have an amazing crew who understands that we’re all here together in the cold. They are amazing at taking care of us and making sure there’s some kind of heater around or that we have on heat belts. Those belts are the best thing that’s ever happened to actors; you just wrap as many as you can around your stomach to keep your core warm.
Do you usually gravitate towards the action and sci-fi genre? I gravitate towards complicated characters. Most of the time they’re in drama and science fiction, because those genres write some of the best female characters. Being a woman who loves drama and science fiction, I think it makes sense for me to end up in action. I think society is changing and people are learning that woman can do pretty much anything. In science fiction, you get a little bit more freedom which lends itself to stronger women.
When you’re in the elements like that, is it more challenging to stay in character? It’s easier. That’s why I do enjoy shooting in the elements. You don’t have to worry about how
Tell me a little about the new Riddick movie. It’s going to be awesome. It’s coming out in September. I’ve been a fan of the Riddick series for a long time, and I’m a huge action fan. I grew up watching action and science fiction movies. Working on the Riddick series is a dream come true. What is Vin Diesel like in person? He’s very charming; he takes his work really seriously, but he’s also kind of a jokester. He’s always laughing or smiling, which I don’t think is something that people anticipate. It was something that surprised me and it was great.
Do you consider yourself to be a strong woman, or is it just a character that you like to play? I’m one of the wimpiest people ever; I’m afraid of my own shadow, but I think that’s probably why I like playing these characters so much. I do like being physical and I’ve taken that physicality into my dramatic roles.
What’s something that’s on your bucket list? You said you like action – ever dream of skydiving? Oh, no. I might be a daredevil at work, but I never want to jump out of a plane. I’m scared of one that’s sitting in the air, let alone jumping out of one! The things on my bucket list are more common. I want to have kids. I want to build my dream house. I think when you’re in this business, you complete all the things on your bucket list pretty quickly, so you have to reevaluate and write a new one at each chapter of your life. In the future, do you think you’re going to stay in roles like this or are you going to switch it up a bit? I’ll definitely switch it up a bit.
In 10 years, I want to get these action roles out of my system and then move on to something else. It doesn’t mean that I won’t do another psychological thriller or horror or a romantic comedy, but I’m also aware that action is finite, so I’ll do as much as I can while the audience and the powers that be let me do it. Is there any advice that you’ve followed in this business? Definitely. When I was 20 years old, I was on a show with Marcia Gay Harden. She told me, “Always trust your instincts because your instincts will never let you down.” I’ve followed that to this day. In this business, your instincts are the only thing that make you an individual. As long as you listen to them, you’ll never make the wrong decision.
You can see Katee now on A&E’s “Longmire” and in “Riddick” out in September. Photos by Vince Trupsin
Totally useless fact: Any free-moving liquid in outer space will form itself into a sphere, because of its surface tension.
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VOCABULARY NOT FOUND ON THE SAT EXAM As expressive as the English language may be, it’s lacking a lot of useful words that would give us linguistic shortcuts in conversation. Perhaps we’re too quick to add new words to our vocabulary that may not be around very long. A new verb like “To Google” seems destined for a short life and relies entirely upon the vicissitudes of a company that may go belly up at any moment, yet we lack words to express ideas and feelings that are absolutely timeless. I’m not clever enough to invent these new words but here are a few definitions just off the top of my head. 1) That sinking feeling you get when you
There Ought to Be a Word by john scheck
realize how much time you have, heretofore, wasted in your life upon learning something that instantly makes something a hell of a lot easier. Hanging up on telemarketers instead of trying to be polite or making a couple of simple computer keystrokes that make a task ridiculously shorter than before. And yes, it’s okay to slam the door in the face of two missionary boys instead of inviting them inside. Not only does that save you time, but it’s fun, too.
2) The term for when you use a lot less of
something simply because you’re too lazy to refill, replace or throw away whatever it is you are using. Toilet paper brands tell you how many individual sheets are in a roll but they aren’t made to use individually; replace the damn roll already. I’m still going to blame you for drinking all of my scotch even if you left one tablespoon in the bottle after your last bender.
3) That one drink that puts you over the limit,
the drink that signals regret in this particular alcohol episode, the drink that is the beginning of tomorrow’s hangover.
4)The precise moment in your hangover when you realize that no amount of coffee is going to make you feel like a human being, not today. 5) The day of the year when you finally admit to yourself that you aren’t going to fulfill your New Year’s resolutions. For many of us this day already has a name: New Year’s Day. 6) The day when absolutely every piece
of clothing you own needs to be washed. Subsequent numerical appendages may be necessary when you go way beyond this day. Turning things inside-out doesn’t count as clean, so please stop doing that.
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Totally useless fact: Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
HOW DO YOU SAY “FIESTA” IN SPANISH?
Top Excuses to Skip the Fallas Festival in Valencia, Spain By john scheck
Everyone who likes a great party has heard of Carnival in Rio de Janeiro and Mardi Gras in New Orleans, but few people outside of the Iberian Peninsula have heard of Fallas in Valencia, a seriously big blow-out. At least once in your life you owe it to yourself to pencil in March 15–19 for what could be the craziest gala on the planet.
The event revolves around the construction of cartoon-like satirical structures called fallas, sometimes towering up to six stories tall. The themes of the fallas are supposed to be satirical in nature and often address issues like government corruption, waiting lists for hospital stays, soccer, local politicians and whatever else is bothering people. These creations really need to be seen in person as photographs do not do them justice; it’s impossible to get a sense of their scale when jammed into narrow streets or tiny plazas. But perhaps Fallas isn’t your cup of tea. Here are a few possible excuses for you to stay home. I don’t like crowds. Valencia’s population doubles during Fallas to over two million people, so if you suffer from agoraphobia, steer clear of this bacchanalian blast. If you wonder where everyone sleeps during the fun, we’ll explain in more detail below that no one bothers with sleeping. The streets are filled with people day and night to the point where one local newspaper headline asked, “Don’t these people have homes?” Totally useless fact: Giraffes have no vocal cords.
Noise bothers me. This will definitely be the LOUDEST five days of your life, unless you were an artillery gunner in Iraq or Afghanistan. The locals like their explosives. During the festivities, kids get the green light to go nuts with firecrackers and every other type of gun powder-laden toy imaginable – lucky little brats. There’s a daily percussion fireworks display called the Mascletà in which tens of thousands of revelers jam Valencia’s main square to be assaulted by a tremendous barrage of explosions. Late every evening, as many as a million people gather in the city’s gorgeous central park, which stretches through the city, to witness one of the world’s most impressive fireworks displays. I don’t like meeting people from all over the world. After the fireworks at around 1:30 a.m. people head for one of the hundreds of street parties – called Verbenas – held in every neighborhood throughout the city, lasting almost untill dawn. You’ll drink and dance with people from every corner of the globe. The international language is bad English, so with your C in Freshman Comp, you’ll practically be a prophet.
I’m not a big fan of alcohol. Booze is such a big part of everything that I’ve had people sell me beer while I was in line to buy beer, if that even makes sense (it makes perfect sense to me). Most Americans know that a cuba libre is a rum and coke. For Fallas they have something called a cuba litro, or a liter of rum and coke. Food is also an important part of the fun so don’t worry about drinking on an empty stomach. It’s sometimes difficult to take a step without stepping in the paella someone is making in the street over a wood fire. I need my sleep. Be sure to get a lot of shut-eye before things hit the fan because anything more than a nap during Fallas is almost impossible. In fact, Valencianos do everything in their power to keep people awake during the entire five-day party. In the mornings, people walk around town lighting firecrackers in the street for La Despertà, or “the awakening,” and a very rude one it is considering that you made it home only hours earlier. I’m afraid of fire. The last night of the party they burn the fallas structures to the ground. As incredible as this may sound it’s even more unbelievable to watch. Crowds cheer and fire trucks are on standby as the flames shoot hundreds of feet in the air. When the fires are out, Fallas is finished. campus talk
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i made it myself
Cheap Stuff by Kelly Herman
You Can Proudly Give Your Friends We only carry cash when we’re going downtown, and birthday presents are usually in the form of buying shots. College kids, amirite? For those of you as broke as I am, you know it’s not as satisfying getting a bottle of wine for your friends when they’re going to consume it within 10 minutes. What you need is something just as cheap, but is functional and lasts. Free is best, but cheap can do just as well, if done the right way.
Calendar What you’ll need: • Paint chips • Picture frame • White or light colored poster board • Dry Erase markers • Scissors • Tape or glue
Bag, Purse or T-shirt What you’ll need: • Bag / purse / shirt • Paint (not the washable kind, this isn’t kindergarten) • Potatoes (or other vegetable you intend to eat) • Newspaper
Total max. cost = Two shots of cheap liquor Find whatever frame you need from a thrift store where they’re super cheap. If you’re doing a weekly calendar, a small vertical frame is good. For monthly calendars, larger is better (but let’s not get crazy). Be sure that the glass portion is in good condition and can be cleaned for writing on. Then, cut the poster board to fit inside the frame. Lay the poster on top of the frame to mark how much poster space will actually show inside the frame (for when you lay the paint chips). Cut up the paint chips to your own aesthetic, and tape or paste them onto the poster board in the space that you marked inside the frame. Decorate. Put the poster inside the frame and close. Use the dry erase marker to scribble all over it, then erase that junk cause you can’t give it to your friend like that. 16
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Total max. cost = bottle of quality wine
Mug What you’ll need: • White or light colored ceramic mug • Permanent marker •A n oven (no, that is not synonymous with microwave) Total max. cost = Half-priced appetizer Draw on the mug. Don’t “smudge up” and touch it before it dries completely. Hopefully you know how to use an oven, because you need to place the mug in at 350 degrees for 30 minutes to set the ink. Take it out, let it cool and give to your friend with their favorite beverage (hot cocoa, right?).
Get the item you want to decorate from a thrift store if you can. The cheaper the better, hopefully plain without any decorations already on it. Make sure the fabric is one that paint will stay on. Get a bottle or two of paint, and put in on newspaper. Use your vegetable as a stamp. With potatoes, you can cut them in half and carve almost anything into them. With romaine or celery, cut it close to the base, and the ugly white part you usually throw away can serve as a flower stamp. Broccoli florets can also add texture, and the stems can be carved similar to potatoes. Stamp your item when it is flat and be sure to let it dry completely before doing the other side. Voila! Art, or something.
Totally useless fact: The pupils of a goat’s eyes are square.
F l urriissh Floou h NORTH FLORIDA MAY 2013 UME DA1 MAY ISSU2013 FLORI E 2 WW W.MYFLOURISH NORTH VOL .COM MAG AZINE.COM OURISHMAGAZINE .MYFL WWW 2 VOLUME 1 ISSUE
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MM A A G G A A Z Z I I N E N E
Summer Ways to of Reconnect Yo t Yourur ec nn Remco Ways toFa ily’s Bes Fren iend d Family’s BesttFri Making Making
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American graffiti
Art of the th 34 Street Wall by Kelly Herman
Almost anything is fair game for 34th Street wall graffiti , but there are a few exceptions to remember: Non-professional
Marriage proposals Unless your intellect has accounted for possible erasure of such messages before the intended recipient shall view it, and you have deigned to warn your future spouse of such a prospect, seriously just don’t do it. It’s for prom – not marriage. 18
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Anniversary celebrations If your intimate relations with a person have not surpassed five years, celebratory messages should be avoided. Seriously, what if you did it and 10 years from now you’re with what’s his face from two floors down? Tooootally embarrassing, just don’t do it.
Wordy messages Adverts and poems which include an unnecessary plethora of verbiage are not appropriate for transitory spaces like the wall on 34th Street due to the rapidity with which observers are passing such messages. People can’t read that fast man! Short and sweet, or just don’t do it.
artwork Being both a nuisance and an eyesore, images created without any trace of special training or natural talent must be saved for afternoon scribbles in the uppermost corners of daily note pages and solely perused by the layman himself. Seriously, what are you painting half the time? Just please don’t do it.
Non-contrasting images If the purpose of your message or ‘art’ is to provide your observer with confusion for a lack of ascertaining one blob of color from another, this doesn’t apply to yourself. Otherwise, how am I supposed to know what you wrote when it’s blue on blue on blue. Please, just don’t.
Totally useless fact: Van Gogh only sold one painting when he was alive.
charted
replying ‘maybe’ to facebook event really means no
yes
composition of my 25-page research paper
wikipedia information disguised as something else
messing with margins to squeeze one last page out of it
material from outdated books
material from quesitonalbe websites
research of any real value
maybe
favorite disney singers
abstract, unsourced arguments to take up the last 4-5 pages
why alarm clocks are usefull
timon and pumba
they wake you up in the morning
demi lovato
selina gomez
jonas brothers miley cyrus
you can say they malfunctioned and that is why ou are late
Totally useless fact: A standard slinky measures 87 feet when stretched out.
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Hi, MY NAME IS…
Future by Kelly Herman
Reference
Some names out there get a certain rap, which can make it hard not to cast a snap judgement based on each name’s coinciding stereotype. Here’s a compilation of names you can guarantee will be judged by how they sound - something to consider when naming any future children. We didn’t make the stereotypes, we’re just warning you that they’re out there.
GRANNIES
Gladys
Myrtle
Edith
Gertrude
Penelope
Arthur
Milton
Scott
Lance
Brock
Amber
Billy
Austin
Candi
Mercedes
Crystal
Angel
Marge
Pat
Rhonda
Peter
BOOKWORM
Eugene DOUCHE
Vince REDNECK
Clint STRIPPER
FATTIES
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Totally useless fact: The highest per capita Jell-O comsumption in the US is Des Moines.
hahahaha
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can’t do anything. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Q: What’s the definition of a bachelor pad? A: All the houseplants are dead, but there’s something growing in the refrigerator.
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, “What’s your pleasure?” The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”
“John!” , “Yes sir.” “Bring me a glass of water.” “OK sir.” “John” , “Yes sir.” “Bring me another one please!”. “OK sir.” “John!” , “Yes sir.” “Bring me another one!”. “But sir, what are you doing with all this water?” “John, are you insane? Can’t you see the bookcase is on fire?”
Man 1: You know what, my wife was on TV yesterday. Man 2: Wow, how did she get on TV? Man 1: Well, I think she climbed on the stool first.
Totally useless fact: If a rooster can’t fully extend its neck, it can’t crow.
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look it up, already! Absolutism
[ab-suh-loo-tiz-uhm] Political doctrine stating that government should be ruled by one authority, usually a single ruler. Authority is unlimited and goes unchecked. Example: Go Hitler, you’re so fine, so absolutist you blow my mind. Heil Hitler!! Heil Hitler!! Disclaimer: CT does not support, in any way, absolutistism, Hitler or the Nazi Party, nor any offshoot factions of such belief systems.
The
–Ism Dictionary Because No One Likes to Look Foolish When Trying to Sound Smart
Bonism
[bahn-iz-uhm] Doctrine that the world is good, but it’s not perfect. Example: Basically the essence of a review for any 4-star hotel. “Very good, but not perfect! The bathroom was just a little too small, and the restaurant downstairs was so pricey!”
Empiricism
[em-pir-uh-siz-uhm] Theory that all knowledge is obtained through experience. Opposes rationalism. Example: If you can do it, you can do it.
Immaterialism
[im-uh-teer-ee-uh-liz-uhm] Theory that material substance does not exist except in the mind, and only spiritual beings or immaterial substances exist. Example: Like the Matrix and Inception, except – surprise! – there’s no real world to go back to.
Immoralism
[ih-mawr-uh-liz-uhm, ih-mor-] Rejection of or indifference to conventional morality. Also the opposition to ethics or ethical approaches.
College provides exposure to a variety of new experiences and ideas for many students. The Example: Charles Manson and Ghandi were practically the problem occurs, however, when students’ same person. attempt to attach themselves to idealisms that Laxism they may not fully understand, or rather, were [laks-iz-uhm] Belief that even a minimally likely perhaps given a misrepresentation of such. To argument or slightly probable for liberty should be help prevent you from looking like a fool when chance enough cause for action, when liberty is in conflict with the law. attempting to sound like a know-it-all, CT has Controversial viewpoint developed The –Ism Dictionary. condemned by the Church. 22
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Example: The reason for that scene in Les Mis when (**SPOILER ALERT!**) everybody dies.
Nihilism
[nahy-uh-liz-uhm, nee-] Philosophical denial of reality or extreme skepticism. Became a synonym for revolution and anarchy, as a denial of establishments. Example: If we gave this example, we’d be breaking the first two rules.
Pragmatism
[prag-muh-tiz-uhm] Movement which states that assessing practicality and usefulness is the best approach when determining truths, testing hypotheses or solving problems. Example: Don’t bother looking for the bottle opener if your beer could be opened just as easily with your teeth.
Rationalism
[rash-uh-nl-iz-uhm] Theory that reason is the primary source of knowledge. Reality has a logical structure and maintains certain truths that can be seen as true without sensory evidence. Opposes empiricism. Example: If you can dream it, you can do it.
Utilitarianism
[yoo-til-i-tair-ee-uh-niz-uhm] Doctrine that an impartial decision which brings about the most good or the most usefulness for all consequentially involved is the morally right decision. Form of consequentialism that maximizes the overall good of those affected by the decision. Example: Buying a “family plan” contract that comes with 3-yearold phones so everyone gets one, instead of buying the iPhone 5 for yourself so you and Siri can get intimate.
Totally useless fact: There were always 56 curls in Shirley Temple’s hair.
rate your crUsh
+
how guys rate girls…
looks
(
+ intelligence
humor
Equation + looks
+ money
(
*
+ humor
intelligence
* These variables go from 0–1. For example women scoring 0 on ‘looks’ for men means a total score of 0.
Totally useless fact: The eyes of a donkey are positioned so that it can see all four feet at all times.
how girls rate guys…
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play with yourself
E N U J CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES GO FIGURE
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: Worcestershire sauce in essentially an Anchovy Ketchup.
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rs are answe page 79 on
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C RYP UOTE TO Q
star map
hocus focus
Wishing well
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bridge hands
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Totally useless fact: Rhode Island is the only state which the hammer throw is a legal high school sport.
JUNE
you sooooo cheated
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: The average lifespan of an eyelash is five months
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!
Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
June 1 - June 22: The Quest For The Fountain of Youth exhibit at the Thomas Center June 1 - August 11: Titanoboa: Monster Snake at the Florida Museum of Natural History June 1 - November 10: All the World’s a Frame exhibit at the Harn Museum of Art June 22 : The Drifters Concert for Big Brothers Big Sisters at Santa Fe College July 1: 2013 Swamp Dance Fest, UF School of Theatre and Dance July 9: Gary Langford & The Jazz Project 4225 NW 34th Steet
Summer is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between exhibits, concerts and floating in refreshing springs and rivers, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida 28
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@ Gainesville
Totally useless fact: A spider has transparent blood.
bottom’s up
Study:
County By Mike Capshaw
Drinks
Excessively About one in six people in Alachua County drink too much. A nationwide study found that 16 percent of Alachua County residents engage in “excessive drinking,” which is described as “binge plus heavy drinking.” That’s more than double the national average of seven percent. Alachua County’s above average drinking rates are likely due to Gainesville being a college town. As proof, Leon County – home of Florida State – has an excessive drinking rate of 19 percent. So, the Seminoles finally beat the Gators at something: they’re drunker. Seven of Florida’s 67 counties had a 20 percent or higher rate of excessive drinking. Monroe’s 25 percent is well ahead of the next closest county, which is St. John’s at 21 percent. Monroe is the southernmost county in the state and includes Key West. Excessive drinking rates were one of the findings of the study released March 20 that ranks Alachua, despite its drunkerds, as the 18th healthiest county in the state. St. John’s County is the healthiest, while Union County, which borders Alachua to the north, comes in last. Economic, environmental, social and behavioral factors were weighed in the study that was a joint effort by the University of Wisconsin and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. Alachua County is No. 1 in the state in clinical care and fourth in the overall health category that weighs factors such as adult smokers, adult obesity, physical inactivity, sexually transmitted diseases and teen birth rate. The complete findings of the study can be found at www.countyhealthrankings.org. Florida surgeon general Dr. John Armstrong told the Associated Press that his goal is to make “Florida into the healthiest state in the nation.” Totally useless fact: Every acre of American crops harvested contains 100 pounds of insects.
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DESPITE ANDY WARHOL’S MAXIM, WE CAN’T ALL BE FAMOUS
The Serial Killer Hall of Shame, my latest book, is a chronicle of the least successful mass murderers and would-be mass murderers in United States history. The original title of Serial Killer Bloopers was rejected by editors because they felt it lacked gravitas although they didn’t rule out the possibility that this could be the name of the theme song for the movie based on the book.
by john scheck
Serial Killer Hall of Shame We begin with Ronald Gray, the self-named Tree Trimmer of Yonkers. He wanted to call himself the Butcher of Yonkers but that name was already taken, and besides that, Gray was afraid of running afoul of the authorities because he wasn’t licensed to cut meat in the State of New York. Gray admitted to police that he hasn’t actually begun his serial killer career yet because his lawn care enterprise is currently in its “busy season.” Next there is the pathetic case of Stanley Wellerman who started out in the homicidal maniac profession simply because he thought that the bright orange jumpsuits worn in federal penitentiaries would flatter his chubby physique. Police apprehended the corpulent psychopath in the middle of his first attempt at murder when a worker at a local fast food emporium called the police reporting that he noticed a bound and 30
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gagged victim in the back seat when Wellerman ordered in the drive-through window. After initially escaping an extensive dragnet, Wellerman was captured when he returned to the drive-thru for extra ketchup.
the “Text Message Massacre-er,” or the “Multi-Tasking Murderer,” is responsible for the deaths of over 20 motorists after cutting them off in traffic while exploring applications on his cell phone.
Mordecai Blaumgarten, known as the “Cousin of Ernie,” never really achieved the sort of fame one would expect from such a prolific and monstrous killer. “Son of Sam” already seemed too much like the title of a Dr. Seuss book so many experts suspect that Blaumgarten’s nickname just wasn’t catchy enough to reach a larger audience. He died in obscurity in the prison movie theater one night when he choked to death on a Milk Dud laughing at a scene in Saw III.
Often referred to as the world’s clumsiest man, Grand Central Station custodial worker Max Oldman has been nicknamed “Max the Tripper” for inadvertently causing the deaths of scores of hurried New York City commuters. Although repeatedly warned by supervisors, Mr. Goldman almost never displayed the “Wet Floor” sign after mopping the beautiful marble tiles at the top of the steps at the terminal (pardon the word choice). His carelessness with broom and mop handles, as well as his strategic misplacement of cleaning carts, was like a daily vaudeville sight gag but with a ghastly body count. Oldman now lives off his city pension in Delray Beach, Florida.
One of the deadliest killers in American history has yet to be convicted of a crime. Charles W. Langford III, known sometimes as
Totally useless fact: Prince Charles is an avid collecter of toilet seats.
how manly are you?
MAN UP! : t s e T n The MMorae Than Just s e l c s u M g n i x e Fl
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Totally useless fact: The most common street name in the U.S. is Second Street.
how manly are you?
In our modern, technological society, it’s not uncommon for an adult male to have, um, “overlooked,” and/or “missed out,” on many of the common skills associated with traditional “manliness.” Author Robert Dodenhoff breaks down many of those skills in an ultimate test of manhood. Never mind sports stats and useless action movie facts, in “The Man Test,” Dodenhoff challenges your knowledge with real categories that make a man, from finance and negotiation to etiquette and domestic skills.
You can find this test and more when you pick up “The Man Test” at Amazon.com for $12.99.
watch, show it and keep in repair, the rest of his days. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
A) To create a clog area that’s convenient to clean
B) To drain the sink at a consitent rate
C) To prevent water from back up into the sink
B) Duct
pipes connected to the sink?
D) Scotch
A) Boiling water B) Plunger
C) Drum auger 3) Before installing a new
showerhead, wrap _______
tape around the pipe threads to prevent leaks.
Totally useless fact: Tehran is the most expensive city on earth.
C) Teflon
4) (True/False). Under no circumstances should you
attempt to clog a toilet by
inserting a coat hanger into the bowl drain.
Answer Key:
clear a drain if you have PVC
methods may be used to
1) A. To create a clog area that’s convenient to clean.
a sink drain?
function of the elbow trap in
A) Electrical
In spite of our best efforts, a lot of insoluble junk, such as hair, dirt and personal items, finds its way into our sink drains. Without an elbow trap (also known as a J-bend), this waste would eventually form a clog somewhere in your house in search of an elusive clog, the elbow trap is designed as kind of a catchall to collect this debris. Another function of the J-bend is to prevent sewer gases from entering your home. It’s conveniently located directly under your sink, so it can be removed and cleaned easily.
2) Which of the following
2) B, C. Plunger, Drum auger.
1) Which of the following is a
While it can be a good idea to clear clogs with boiling water in sinks equipped with metal pipes, you don’t want to try this with pipes made of PVC. PVC (polyvinyl chloride) is a type of plastic – one that tends to melt at about 175 Degrees F.
master, and a task for life: he is to furnish,
3) C. Teflon
A man builds a fine house; and now he has a
4) False
Plumbing
A coat hanger can be a great tool for unclogging a toilet if you don’t have an auger handy. Untwist the hanger to form a straight wire. Insert one end deep into the toilet bowl, then turn the wire both clock-wise and then counterclockwise while moving the wire in and out. If you’re pulling up any material on the end of the wire, you’re probably making progress. Continue until the toilet flushes freely.
The Man Test:
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how to… by Kelly Herman
Drop a High School Friend
in eight
Easy Steps! Step 1
Dispose of all networking sites. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram… anything that someone could use to track you. And this is a serious one, because others can still check you in to places if you still have an account, so become an internet ninja and disappear.
Step 2:
Buy a few disguise accessories. If they can’t recognize you in the hallways, you’ll never have to face the awkwardness of avoiding them. Things like large, fake moles are distracting enough that no one will really tell if it’s you. Because they’ll be staring at your HOLY MOLEY.
Step 3:
Step 6:
Acquire an accent. Go for something you can actually pull off, so you’re not switching around between Indian and Spanish. Watch some Austin Powers (which will also help you prepare for the reactions you’ll get from Step 2) and try not to stick with “Groovy,” “Baby” or “Randy” as fillers.
You’ve changed your face and possibly your body. It’s time for a legal name change so all public records of you can be permanent dead ends. Pick something you like, since it’s your name for the rest of your life now.
Step 7:
Enjoy the success of never having to avoid anyone again! Unless you make friends under your new alias, Sweetness Jones, and then you have to start over. So…
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Tired of that four-eyed friend from 10th grade texting you to hang out? Sick of the Facebook invites from that one friend you used to be ‘biffles’ with? Have you tried everything and they just don’t take the hint? Ignoring doesn’t work all the time, so we’ve compiled some simple, easy steps to getting rid of your pestering lab partner from senior year… for good!
Step 4:
Move to another state/country. Probably a different country would be best, since you’ve got an accent now. You could totally pass for British. Yeah, move to Britain. Brilliant! They’ll never find you there!
Step 5:
Get plastic surgery. Change your face forever, and it will be impossible for them to recognize you! This is a guaranteed way to never have to see those annoying old high school mates ever again. In fact, skip steps 1–4. Just change your face forever. It’s the perfect solution!
Step 8: Don’t make any friends ever again.
Totally useless fact: The sweat drops drawn in cartoon comic strips are called pleuts.
UN-FORTUNE-ATE!
? E UN T OR .. F F AY. O S SS Nothing puts that button on some E I MSG-laced, coma-rendering Chinese OK UCIU O takeout, like the ever-informative, words C NF of “wisdom” found in a fortune cookie. CO The following are some of those cookies’ hidden gems (as well as a little commentary for further enjoyment)!
an alie g to you, nshoof some sort will be appearin rtly. (How did you know I owned a co rn field?) Depart n d o you. (I hav t from the path which fate assigne en’t made a h n t i a p pointment w fate yet, so I d on’t know m y assignment.)
Each day g you woul,dcompel yourself to do somethin rath has seen m er not do. (This cookie y kitchen sink.)
Failure is th xt time. (Tell e chance to do better ne that to Franz Reichelt.)
Fortu (That momne Not Found: Abort, Retry, Ignore? ent whe give up eat n you realize you should ing Chinese food.)
Happines e and a winsk begins with facing life with a smil . (I don there goes ’t know how to flirt so my happiness...)
Keep your you will nface to the sunshine and (But you wi ever see shadows. ll get sunburnt.)
Never fe start of saor! The end of something marks the meth silver lining ing new. (Now THERE’s the in the apocalypse!)
Totally useless fact: Babies are most likely to be born on Tuesdays.
Happines good lucks. will bring you (…and my luck.)
Help! I’m b eing held prisoner in a Chinese ba kery! (OH SH*T!!)
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Totally useless fact: The HyperMart outside of Garland Texas has 58 check-outs.
damned you siri
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CAMPUS
1702 W University Ave 352.692.4400
Totally useless fact: The Minneapolis phone book has 21 pages of Andersons.
campus talk
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june 2013
39
charted
use of time before 15-page essay is due in 12 hours
how i leanred proper grammar and english
crying because youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to fail the class
from grammar nazis on the internet
writing
making the margins really small
skimming your research boxes
inserting huge quote boxes
making a cover page
in english class
use of smoke alarm to let you know when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been cooking
take pictures of naked women
to let you know when there is a fire
40
campus talk
what peta does something actually helpful for animals
complain about video games
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june 2013
Totally useless fact: In the 1980â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s American migraines increased by 60%.
my rough life!
they give me turkeY without any gravy
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got just what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
Totally useless fact: In The Empire Strikes Back there is a potato hidden in the asteroid field.
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida
@ Gainesville
campus talk
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june 2013
41
at every level
S S E C SU, C your pants. g in e e p t o n is ss e succ
4 friends. g in v a h is ss e cc su , At age 12 license. s r’ e v ri d a g in v a h is At age 16, success ing sex. v a h is ss e cc su , 0 At age 2 money. g in v a h is ss e cc su , At age 35 aving money. h is ss e cc su , 0 5 At age is having sex. ss e cc su , 0 6 e g a At s license. r’ e v ri d a g in v a h is At age 70, success ing friends. v a h is ss e cc su , 5 At age 7 r pants. u o y g in e e p t o n is At age 80, success
At age
42
campus talk
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june 2013
Totally useless fact: Poland is the “stolen car capital of the world”.
life lessons
LESSON
1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Totally useless fact: Jefferson invented the dumbwaiter, the monetary system, and the folding attic ladder.
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43
CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2013
Bad Parallel Parker
I
n recognition of your perseverance to fit your “super extra deluxe” pick-up truck (compensation) into an average sized parking space. Despite blocking traffic and holding up the lives of those so less fortunate to be stuck behind you, you continue to inch backward, then forward, then a little more forward, then backward again, then forward again, only to pull out, stop and try it all over. But you can rest well at night knowing that, however much you may suck at parking, and thus driving, and however much you may be ignorant to the lack of necessity your “super extra deluxe I’m a douche bag” automobile possesses, at least for those lucky enough to witness such a failure, you have unwittingly provided a moment of unity and laughter! presented by signed date
txt talk
no
should i text him?
yes
no
Has he kissed you?
Have you ever spoken to each other?
Are you drunk? yes
yes
yes
is he a crush?
no
don’t do it
no
You’ll only regret it.
no
is he your boyfriend?
Are you sure?
don’t do it
yes
And you’re taking this quiz WHY?!
no yes
go for it
is he an ex?
This doesn’t quite seem like moving on, but if you say so.
no
Do you want to get back together? no
Do you want to stay “just friends”?
yes
yes
don’t do it
The “we-still-hook-up-but-we’re-datingother-people” thing always ends in a big mess. End it – but not with a text.
Oh, so both of you have “moved on” have you?
no
don’t do it
Believe me, this will only hurt your chances.
46
campus talk
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june 2013
yes
yes
Did things end on good terms?
no
yes
Did HE break up with YOU?
don’t do it
yes
Eep. It’s not looking good. The time is nigh to throw in the towel.
no
Is he dating someone new?
yes yes
no
no
Have you already TRIED getting back together? no
Are you going to send sad or angry texts?
yes
Totally useless fact: The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!
txt talk
don’t do it
don’t do it
Was the date in the past two weeks?
It’s time to pull out your best flirting moves. If you don’t have them, get them!
no
CREEPER! Why do you even have his number?!
Did you go out... TONIGHT?
Has he ever asked you out?
yes
no
yes
yes
don’t do it He’s just not that into you. Moving on…
no
don’t do it
Have you already texted him several times today?
Guys like the chase, remember? Don’t be too available.
no
yes
Did he already initiate contact today?
yes
no
no
Has he seemed distant lately?
yes
go for it
The ball appears to be in your proverbial court.
Did he text you first?
no
yes
yes
go for it
Text him already! But first, stop freaking out over nothing.
don’t do it no
Do you have a valid reason to contact him?
Give it a try, but you’d be wise to play it cool.
Dang, girl. Give the guy some space!
don’t do it
Uh-oh. This doesn’t look good. A heart-to-heart in person seems inevitable.
go for it
Is the waiting killing you? no no
Totally useless fact: The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head
yes
Did he say he’d text or call later? yes
campus talk
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june 2013
47
CRACKED.COM
Real American Badasses (WHO Also Happened to be Presidents)
The history books have taught us many things about our American Presidents and the many accomplishments and failures that defined their presidency and their legacy. Cracked.com’s “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News” details quite a different From the most-read outlook on four of our presidents – the four most badass presidents of all time! humor site on the Internet, place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there, he handled hiself like a gravel-eating shit miner instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was. Upon leaving the navy, he took up boninig on a near full-time basis. Sure he dabbled at being a senator and a president or whatever, but his full-time job was pimping. While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that “Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day.” Kennedy’s closest friend once recalled that, “Jack could be shameless in his sexuality … He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a ‘serious discussion.’“ Next time you’re at a dinner party, go ahead and try that, “Hey baby, let’s go have a serious discussion” line out and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn’t have.
John F. Kennedy Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head, which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top 10 of badass things he ever did. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly saner strategy of staying away from exploding things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his 48
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JFK’s sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickinson, Brazlian actress Florinda Bolkan and famous burlesque stripper and rap name pioneer, Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too. Greatest Display of Badassery: In August 1943, while serving as skipper of PT-109, Kennedy’s boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His teeth! Look for the next Presidential Badass in next month’s Campus Talk!
Cracked.com, “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News,” a comedy trivia book, features 20 articles that had previously appeared on the website and 18 that are new to the book. The book includes chapters like “The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List,” and “Five Conspiracies that Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government.” Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in: • A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50 percent of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain. • The FDA wouldn’t let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt. • Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you. • The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD. • Think you’re going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
Totally useless fact: In Miconesia, coins are 12 feet across.
a thorough tongue lashing e good “He inherited som s Quaker instincts from hi diligent hard forebears, but by em.” James e th work, he overcam ard Nixon) ch Reston (about Ri
“I’ve had a perfectl y wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelo pe without any address on it?” Mark Twain
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” Forrest Tucker
uths “They never open their mo the m fro ng without subtracti e.” edg wl kno an sum of hum Thomas Brackett Reed
d have l u o h s r e h t “His mo kept d n a y a w a thrown him Mae West the stork.”
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” Samuel Johnson
“Some cause happ iness wherever they go; others wheneve r they go.” Oscar Wild e
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses la mp-posts - for support rath er than illumination.” Andr ew Lang
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
insults
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” Abraham Lincoln “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”Oscar Wilde
“I have never ki have read ma lled a man, but I ny obituaries great pleasu re.” Clarence with Darrow
“His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.” Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard
le without “I feel so miserab having ke you; it’s almost li ishop B you here.” Stephen
“Thank you for send ing me a copy of your book; I’ll w aste no reading it.” Moses Ha time das
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” Robert Redford
Totally useless fact: A horse can look forward with one eye and back with the other.
“He is a self-made man & worships his creator.” John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” Irvin S. Cobb
“A modest little per son, with much to be modest about.” Winston Churchill
“He had delusions of adequacy.” Walter Kerr
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) campus talk
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49
RIDDLE ME THIS!
1) 4 kids get an apple (one apple for each one of them) and the fifth kid gets an apple with the basket still containing the apple. 2) The two babies are two of a set of triplets. 3) No, it is not legal to get married if you are dead. 4) The bear is white since the house is built on the North Pole. 5) If you take 2 apples, then you have of course 2.
MIND
#1
A basket contain s 5 apples. Do you know how to div ide them among 5 kids so that each one has an apple and one apple st ays in the basket ?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
ples If there are three ap two, y a w a e k ta u o y d an have? how many do you
#2
the born to e r e w ls e Two gir the sam n o , r e oth the same m time, in e m a s e th d day, at year an d n a h t on same m wins. e not t ’r y e h t yet e? n this b How ca
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#3
n in Is it legal for a ma ry his California to mar hy? widow’s sister? W
#4
A man builds a
house rectangular in sh ape . All the sides have sout hern exposure . A big bear wal ks by. What color is the be ar? Why?
Totally useless fact: Shakespeare is quoted 33,150 times in the Oxford English dictionary.
hahahaha
Definition of a Diplomat: A person who has the ability to say â&#x20AC;&#x153;Go to Hellâ&#x20AC;? in a way that makes you look forward to going.
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. You wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be surprised to hear that the kids were nothing to look at either!
I knew my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend said to me, â&#x20AC;&#x153;The last thing that I would ever wish to do is to hurt you.â&#x20AC;? However, it is still there on the list.
I was on the bus last week when a woman and her baby boarded. The bus driver commented that it was the most ugly child that he had ever seen. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not nice,â&#x20AC;? I said to the woman. â&#x20AC;&#x153;You go and have words with him, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry, I will look after this monkey for you.â&#x20AC;?
I bought my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It ripped her to shreds. I knew I should have bought her a car instead.
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CAMPUS
3412 W University Ave 352.672.6654
Totally useless fact: The word Pennsylvania is misspelled on the Liberty Bell.
campus talk
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june 2013
51
game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
The Last of Us PS3 June 14 Hyped to be one of the most anticipated games on the shelves this year, “The Last of Us” is a visually stunning creation of a post-apocalyptic Earth, one that easily rivals, if not exceeds, the graphics of the latter “Uncharted” releases. The harsh violence, tense environments and emphasis on sound effects rather than music will keep players fully on edge. The story follows Joel, a survivor, and Ellie, a teenage girl as they travel through abandoned cities, overgrown with nature, their former sky-high structures in ruin. The population has been decimated by a modern plague, turning humans into zombie-like versions of their former selves. These creatures exist in two stages: ‘runners’ and the further diseased ‘clickers.’ When you aren’t battling the deformed creatures, fellow survivors also pose a threat, out to kill for food, weapons or whatever they can get their hands on. 52
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Deadpool PS3 PC Xbox 360 June 25 Deadpool finally gets his own video game, one where he interacts with you, the player, breaking down the so-called, fourth-wall that so often stands between game character and game player. Even from the opening menu, Deadpool speaks to the player, going as far as to tapping on the glass and asking, “Hey, got any girls in there?” The mouthy mercenary’s mission is to take down a corrupt media mogul, whose television channel produces such programming as “Jump the Shark”, in which ‘celebrities’ must literally jump over a tank of water containing a ravenous great white shark. Combat relies heavily on the character’s trademark arsenal of swords and guns, as well as giving players the option to equip more irregular weapons like sledgehammers.
Company of Heroes 2 PC June 25 This real time strategy game picks up in 1941; the beginning of what will become the most brutal conflict of World War II, as Germany launches a full-scale invasion of the Soviet Union. Players must use strategy and tactics as they command the Soviet Red Army in frontline engagement to free Russia from the Nazis. Players can build camps, set mortars and maneuver troops to combat the Nazi army, all the while withstanding the harsh Russian winter. Your tactics define you as a military leader and challenge you to wield the strength of the Soviet Empire as fight your way to Berlin.
State of Decay Xbox 360 PC June 2013 Despite somewhat blocky, stiff animation, “State of Decay” attempts to stand out amongst the many zombiethemed games on the market; it ventures to even answer the question, what would you do in the face of the zombie apocalypse? Players are hurled into action from the start – no cinematic openings, no buildups. The combat resembles most other action games, with a series of guns and melee weapons available for use. While finishing off the undead, players must also scavenge for supplies, which takes time and makes noise, thus, potentially bringing more zombies into the scene. Missions are available for players, as well as building up areas to fortify them as colonies against the zombie influx, providing various layers to the game, instead of just your run-of-the-mill shoot ‘em up.
Totally useless fact: NBA superstar Michael Jordan was originally cut from his high school basketball team.
NOT FOR COWS by Kelly Herman
Tipping
Get some b boiling, or st lood make them raight up laug into your op h money Just hustle en hands. those sucke rs any way you else are you can. How goin up your payc g to puff heck?
and How You Can Get the Most Bang out of Your Jar Tired of looking at the empty tip jar halfway through your shift? Sick of evenly doling out the spare change from others’ wallets between every coworker each night? Tighten up! Make your jar worth tipping into, so you’ll need several people just to pour it out at the end of the day.
Here’s a tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. Now where’s our tip? don’t tip, a Every time youmullet. WHY?! person gets a
Give us the money, Money is the root Lebowski. of all evil, so cleanse yourself here.
FEAR CHANGE! Leave it with us. ippBaby ing” isn’t Tipa“TMe y in Time! China. More One cit
Please tip – my boss is a cheap bastard.
Keep us off the pole!
You can also make an interactive tip jar: Under a basketball hoop In a bowl with a motion-sensitive zombie hand With one of those marble towers, to send coins and balled-up cash through a maze
Every bunny loves money! Hare’s a jar to put yours in. “Just the tip”, with a picture of Archer being a dick to Carol or Cheryl or whatever her name is.
Make two tip jars with voting every week: Star Wars vs. Star Trek Harry Potter vs. LOTR Black Michael Jackson vs. White Michael Jackson
Totally useless fact: You spend 7 years of your life in the bathroom.
Stop staring a t our tips!!
For a more heated race – Who’s a better tipper:
Over 30 vs. Under 30 Females vs. Males Theist vs. Athiest campus talk
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hey hey violator!
You Got
By Truman Carter
Towed Parking woes and the tow companies behind them
Parking In Gainesville ‘Worse Than New York City’ The manager of the McDonald’s near the corner of University Ave. and 13th St. responded by calling the owner of the tow company in an effort to get the driver to “tone it down.” The man went on to explain how he had been towed during another visit to Gainesville. Despite having a legitimate reason to park, the man claimed he still had to pay a fine to get his car back. “Gainesville is worse than New York City, which is a bigger parking problem,” the man said.
The McDonald’s manager was making his morning rounds, asking customers if everything was satisfactory with their breakfast. “Well, I do have a problem but it’s not with my sausage biscuit,” said a man, who identified himself as being from New York. “Do you think it’s good for business to have a tow-truck driver harassing customers? I think he likes his job too much.” An overzealous tow-truck driver had just finished asking patrons what car they were driving, so he wouldn’t tow a paying customer.
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In other words, even with UF in summer session, be aware that the Gainesville parking nazis are out in full force. If it’s not a towing company, it’s one of these jack-hole parking attendants slurping a 44-ounce Cherry Coke that will get in your face as soon as you step out of your vehicle. “What business do you have here hoss?” one orange-vest wearing parking attendant off University asked a delivery driver, who explained his valid reason for parking there. “Well, make it snappy,” the parking attendant said as he then eyed the delivery driver’s every move the rest of the time. Apparently, negative headlines involving one Gainesville towing company in recent weeks hasn’t tempered the aggressive, predatory tactics of “roam towing.”
occurred during the Santa Fe College Spring Arts Festival on April 6–7. Under scrutiny, SunTrust terminated its contract with Advantage. The Gainesville Police Department investigated Advantage’s offices on May 2 to search for evidence of improper lien or title transfer, improper or illegal trespass/ roam/towing and grand theft auto. The investigation was the result of numerous citizen complaints coupled with the fact a pair of scooters and a car that were reported stolen had showed up on Advantage’s lot. In other parking news, the City of Gainesville approved a request by the tow companies, with Advantage owner Susan Forron speaking on behalf of the tow companies, to increase non-residential (renters) parking fees from $76 to $100. The hike has to clear one more hurdle before going into effect in 2014.
“There’s no football game and hardly any kids on campus, so why is he all up in everyone’s face?” the man said. “It just seems a little extreme on a day when there are plenty of empty (parking) spots.”
Advantage Towing, which employs the aforementioned McDonald’s tow-truck driver, received 10 citations for illegally towing vehicles from SunTrust Bank’s parking lot on North Main Street. The company had signed a contract with SunTrust that was supposed to take effect on April 19, but the towing
campus talk
Totally useless fact: A family of 26 could go to the movies in Mexico city for the price of one in Tokyo
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Ultimate Towing switched its name to Advantage two years ago when it was barred from removing illegally parked cars for six months. Ultimate’s assets were signed over from Forron’s husband to her, which allowed the company to continue towing cars.
doctor doctorâ&#x20AC;Ś
Meet Dr. Justin Piasecki, founder of the world renowned Skin Cancer Center, which allows patients to have reconstructive surgery in the same outpatient setting as the skin cancer surgery. As the only doctor in the world certified to perform this unique combination, he has pioneered plastic micrographic surgery, which combines Mohs surgery, the highest cure rate surgery for skin cancer, with cosmetic reconstruction. Dr. Piasecki talks to me about his impactful work, skin cancer and some must-know cancer prevention techniques.
DR. Justin Piasecki Interviewed by Lauren Douglass
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Totally useless fact: 10,000 Dutch cows pass through the Amsterdam airport each year.
doctor doctor… Tell me about Mohs Micrographic Surgery. How did it originate? The technique was developed by a physician named Frederick Mohs. In essence, he found a way to eliminate human error from the equation. The Mohs technique became the gold standard for treating skin cancer because the cure rate was proven to be over 99.2 percent. His technique was also very tissue preserving, meaning that it removed just the cancer and not a lot of normal tissue. Now, there are several hundred certified Mohs doctors who are wonderful at what they do, but the limitation is that they aren’t trained surgeons. That’s a problem because after treatment, people must wait to get in to see a surgeon who may not even have experience in facial plastic surgery. It isn’t ideal. Out of all the doctors who are Mohs certified, I’m the only surgeon worldwide who is board certified in both plastic surgery and facial plastic surgery. We built the center here that’s designed 100 percent around treating skin cancer and caring for patients’ needs. The care is more convenient, the results are better and it’s even less expensive. Do you think this style of treatment is something that’s going to catch on? I do, in that I think we in the field of medicine are trying to improve the quality of care for cancer patients. Also, in the last few years there’s been a growing interest in cost containment. Many people think that if you want to lower the cost of treatment you’re going to have to give up a degree of quality, but this is a unique scenario where we accomplish both. I do think it will catch on as the new gold standard – better care for less cost. We’re accomplishing a lot. What are the best ways to protect yourself from skin cancer? Prevention is so important because skin cancer is so common. The greatest risk factor is cumulative sun exposure. This doesn’t mean you have to dive behind a bush every time the sun comes out – we have to live life – but using common sense is what I recommend. First, be proactive. Be aware of your skin. If you’re familiar with your own skin, you’ll be able to identify any changes and you’ll be able to bring those changes to the doctor sooner. I recommend wearing sunscreen every day, even in the winter because you’re still getting exposure. An SPF of 30 or greater is ideal. There’s no evidence that one brand of sunscreen is any better than the other – the best sunscreen is the one you’re going to wear. If it smells funny, is too expensive or is too
greasy, it’s going to sit unused on your counter and won’t do you a bit of good. Make sure you find one you will use, and reapply every two hours. In terms of ingredients, look for zinc oxide; it is the most complete ingredient for blocking both UVA and UVB radiation. What about self-examinations? I recommend giving yourself an examination on a fairly regular basis, say, on the first of the month. Just spend an extra five minutes in the shower to look yourself over. Be familiar with what’s there. If one area starts to change, an area bleeds easily, or you find a wound that won’t heal or a lesion that’s getting larger, bring it to the attention of your physician. I would also recommend getting your skin checked by a board certified dermatologist or family doctor at least once a year. I have heard that there is a misconception about sunscreen, that it can indirectly cause more problems because people think they can stay out in the sun longer just by adding sunscreen. That is a really good point, because the more exposure you have, the higher the risk. Don’t assume that sunscreen will block all radiation. Sunscreen helps, but if you’re in the sun every day, you’re still more likely to develop skin cancer. What is your opinion on tanning beds? I do not recommend ever getting into a tanning bed. There is an urban legend that if you’re from the North, and you’ve planned a summer vacation somewhere warm, that it’s appropriate to go to a tanning bed to prepare your skin. To me, that’s like saying, “I’m going to go drink some poison so that when I go on vacation, I can drink some more poison.” If you want to look tan, get a spray tan instead. Does having a base tan protect you at all? Yes and no. When your skin is exposed to radiation, it recognizes it as a threat and begins aligning packets of pigment, sort of like a WWII soldier hiding behind sandbags to escape enemy fire. Your skin aligns those packets in front of the cell nucleus – which is where the DNA is – to protect the DNA. That’s what turns your skin darker. Technically, if you are more tan you can be in direct sunlight longer than someone who is pale. That doesn’t mean you should expose yourself to that risk. It’s reverse logic; exposing yourself to a risk so you can expose yourself to more risk. What can women do to help their skin age well? The predominant factors that affect the aging of skin are time, gravity and genetics, all of
which are unrelenting forces and none of which we can change or slow. However, in terms of a healthy approach to skincare, there are steps we can take to keep it strong and looking good. The first, believe it or not, is diet and exercise. Eat a good, balanced diet with vitamins A, E, D and C. These all improve the appearance of skin in terms of the collagen production, pigment, moisture and breakouts. Some good examples of foods to add to your diet are almonds, spinach, low-sugar yogurt, carrots, tuna and salmon. These foods will even out the appearance of fine lines, decrease pore size and prevent breakouts. Are there any specific skin products you would recommend? There are four basic things that I would recommend for skincare. The first is sunscreen, because it helps with pigmentary changes in skin and assists in reducing the appearance of fine lines. Most importantly, it protects you from sun exposure. Second, I would recommend a moisturizer. Find one that fits you based on how oily or dry your skin is. Moisturizer is important because the more moisture that’s contained in the dermas of the skin, the less irritated the skin will be and the fewer breakouts you will typically get. Third, I would recommend a vitamin A derivative, which does a great job of decreasing fine lines and improving the texture and color of the skin. Last, use a hydroquinone or a lightening agent. As we age, our skin can turn blotchy and brown, but this product will help decrease the appearance of these blotchy areas. Do you think the amount of products and makeup women wear is unhealthy for our skin? That’s a difficult question. Makeup and moisturizers aren’t really penetrating the top layer of skin. The skin cancers we see are found under the skin, so makeup isn’t going to make a big difference. There are certainly chemicals that can cause cancer, but they aren’t seen in cosmetics. My advice here would be to use common sense. If there’s a product you put on your skin that causes irritation, stop using it. What we need to remember is that there’s an inherent risk to living. When you drive down the street to the supermarket, there’s a chance that you’re going to get into a fatal car accident, but we accept those risks because we need to get milk. I would argue that, based on the science out there, the risk of not using products like sunscreen outweighs the risk of using them.
To learn more from Dr. Justin Piasecki or for information on the Skin Cancer Center visit www.theskincancercenter.org Totally useless fact: Approximately every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls their hamstring.
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We can help you find your way to your next apartment…
WWW.COLLEGERENTALS.COM
GOODBYE CAN BE SUCH A HARD WORD TO SAY
Time to By Daniel Sutphin
Justin Bieber How is this still going on? Public Policy Polling conducted a music-oriented poll that found he was unfavorably rated by more than half of those polled, or 54 percent. With such mounting dislike, why do we have to hear about his latest relationship/hair/marijuana/ monkey update every single day? This is not news!
Let Go If something is a decade old and you’re still saying it, doing it or conveying it in any manner or form, it would be best for you to let it go, and in that line of thinking, even if it’s not a decade old, it still might be time to move forward. Obviously there are lots of subjects that could be applicable to this perspective. Regardless, we should all make it a point to rid our lives of such beleaguered, beaten and drawn out topics. If for no other reason, than for the sake of finding new ideas and concepts that we can then beat to death shortly thereafter.
Tebowing
It wasn’t cool when it started, and considering Tebow’s current employment status in the NFL, it definitely isn’t cool now.
American Idol
Now entering its 14th season…its 14th season! It’s a friggin’ “talent” show. It wasn’t even a new thing when it started. Talent shows are not a new concept, and is nothing more than a shoddy competition held at a redneck fair in the middle of cow pasture. The only redeemable argument of such a “spectacle” is the glorification of socially awkward, borderline “talented” half-wits who crave attention or need a sense of self-importance..
Using text message abbreviations in normal speech
It wasn’t cute when it started, and now even using it ironically has gotten old. ZOMG it’s time to stop with the LOLz plz.
For those of you too young to remember, Facebook started as a way for college students (and college students only), to communicate with each other. Now that your parents and little brothers and sisters have joined, not to mention about every business on the market, it’s no longer cool, trendy or hip to be pushing your opinions, political beliefs or various locations throughout the day.
Quoting Dave Chapelle Character Catch Phrases The show is a decade old. It’s not funny anymore to shout “What?!?!” and “Okay!” in any place or setting. Now it’s just annoying and you sound like an idiot.
Totally useless fact: The S in Harry S. Truman did not stand for anything.
Twitter No one really wants to know what you’re thinking while you’re on the toilet. No one.
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charted
uses for bubble wrap stress relief
protecting items
time spent with adobe time spent with update requests and restarting
time spent using adobe product
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Totally useless fact: Simplistic passwords contribute to over 80% of all computer password break-ins.
charted
what happens in the shower cleaning body
Changing Futures. One Person At A Time Donate Plasma and Save a Life Today
winning fake arguments
truth of graphs in the internet
Please help us help those coping with rare, chronic, genetic diseases. New donors can receive $100 this week!
spot on
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Totally useless fact: Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin 004-Campus-Tallk-3.8583x10.0394.indd
www.biotestplasma.com
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spotted!
white house do wn
Spot The Differences
june 28, 2013
Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Maggie Gyllenhaal
THE WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S HAPPENING NETWORK
Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Happening Truck
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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.
Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.
Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.
From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.
Totally useless fact: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
spotted!
CHECK
LIST
1) guy's dog tag is missing, 2) guy's watch is missing, 3) pillar is fixed, 4) Poster in background, 5) Toys replace gun, 6) flame is missing, 7) guy has pita in his hand, 8) guy has sunglasses, 9) cuts and blood are missing.
Totally useless fact: Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
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Summer style
BEAUTY BY DANIELLE BOUDREAU
Lush Cosmetics Buffy
Massage the Buffy body butter all over wet skin in the bath or shower to make you softer and smooth to the touch. With ground rice, almonds and beans added, the rough textures eliminate lumps and bumps to reveal brighter, fresher looking skin.
$11.95–$22.95 LushUSA.com
Lush Cosmetics Lustre Body Powder Lush Cosmetics Ocean Salt Face and Body Scrub A vodka infused cocktail for bright, fresh skin. Go coconuts with our best-selling sea salt scrub. $21.95–$35.95 LushUSA.com
Kiss My Face Sun Screen SPF 30 with Oat Protein Complex with Hydresia
Natural mineral zinc dioxide, combined with other effective sunscreens offer SPF 30 protection against UVA/UVB rays. Oat protein protects and soothes skin, reducing irritation. Helps fight damaging free radicals. Quick and easy to apply, fragrance free and water resistant. Also available in a convenient 1-ounce size, perfect for travel. $12.95 for 4 oz. KissMyFace.com 66
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A beautifully light dusting powder with gold shimmer to give your skin a subtle glow. Its seductive jasmine perfume leaves you ready for anything. $15.95 LushUSA.com
Lush Silk Stocking Body Tint Give your legs some colour with a gorgeous sheen and an even skin tone all year round. Smooth some on for instant sex appeal. It also washes off easily, so your sheets won’t suffer melt-y messes. $10.95 LushUSA.com Lush Dynamic and To the Point Eyeliner
Go bold and colourful, or less dramatic, these beautiful colours are easy to use and blend effortlessly into the skin to create a softer look if required. $18.95 LushUSA.com
Kiss My Face Hot Spots SPF 30
This sunscreen hits the spot- perfect for all those delicate facial areas that need extra protection from the sun – ears, brow, lips, nose and cheeks. This convenient stick is made with certified organic ingredients including beeswax, coconut oil and aloe, in addition to being fragrance free and water resistant. $8.95 for .5oz KissMyFace.com
Totally useless fact: The top 3 health-related searches on the Internet are (in this order): Depression, Allergies, & Cancer.
FACTS ABOUT YOU
Your brain has the potential to remember everything you have ever experienced, read, heard and seen. The only problem is you can't recall it, but it's all in there somewhere. Your body is constantly replacing cells, so much so in fact, you have a completely different body than you did seven years ago. The amount of information your brain can hold is believed to be up to 1000 Terabytes. The IBM supercomputer Watson, the one Jeopardy! contestants competed against earlier in the year has 16 Terabytes of RAM (what a dumbass).
With the sperm in your testicles right now (guys), you could repopulate Dallas, and it would take you six months to repopulate the entire planet.
Everyone in your dreams you have seen while awake at some point in your life. In your lifetime you will eat about 50 tons of food (you fat bastard).
To exercise your legs the same amount of exercise your eyes get, you would need to walk 50 miles a day, every day.
In the next four year you will shed your body weight in dead skin.
Your hair grows about ½ inch a month. You constantly sweat (about two pints a day).
Pound for pound, when you were a baby you were stronger than an ox. You react at speeds of 170 MPH. Aside from burning, your hair is so non-disintegrative. it's basically indestructible.
25 million of your cells died while you read this sentence
(but your body made 300 billion more today so don't worry).
You were one cell for half an hour. Totally useless fact: The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
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Summer
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE
BY DANIELLE BOUDREAU
GolfSense by Zepp Labs GolfSense is the world’s first motion engine system to analyze and record golf swing data to any iOS or Android device. This glove-based precision motion sensor easily attaches to the Velcro strap of any glove and wirelessly transmits swing data via Bluetooth to any mobile device. All data is seamlessly stored in the GolfSense Cloud with the ability to sync with additional mobile devices. GolfSense’s powerful software also captures real-time, in-depth 3D motion analysis of acceleration, velocity, tempo and position. Improve your golf game and pick up GolfSense at Apple, Best Buy or GolfSmith.com. Retails at $129.99
Seidio Innotraveler
Universal Mount
With summer comes travel, and long car rides can always benefit from a good road soundtrack. Using advanced gripping technology, drivers can confidently position their smartphone to easily access its music playlists, as well as its GPS and more. Its reusable adhesive pads allow drivers to attach and remove their smartphone. The adhesive pad can be used repeatedly, and it won’t leave behind any sticky residue. The Innotraveler boasts a locking suction cup with adjustable arm and a pivot head for a secure mount every time. $29.95 seidioonline.com
Platinum HD
System by Swann
This full 1080p HD DVR/camera kit & Swann View app enables live remote viewing on a variety of cell phones and tablets. It contains a fourchannel DVR with cameras to allow for recording of 30 FPS of HD content. The cameras use PoE (Power of Ethernet) allowing them to operate solely on Cat 5 Cable. The Platinum HD System also allows users to shoot using powerful night vision up to 115-feet away. Available at Swann.com for $1,599. 68
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Totally useless fact: The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE
Seidio
BAILEYSGYM.COM
Active
MORE
Combo Case
The Active Case is a light, protective companion for smart devices on the go. It provides shock absorbing protection with two interlocking layers in a thin case for your device. $54.95 SeidioOnline.com
CHOICES
9 $9O.9 TH N
WE MOVE TO MOTIVATE
AM
Sonic Boom
This Super Shaker Bed Vibrating unit is placed under a pillow or between a mattress and box springs. The powerful vibrations are guaranteed to wake up extremely heavy sleepers. A built-in temperature sensor protects the unit against overheating. Sonicalert.com $32.95
MORE LOCATIONS
ME MB ERSHIPS AS LOW AS
352-373-4439
3441 W. University Ave. | Corner of University & 34th
AMENITIES . 24 Hour Access . Boxing . Cardiovascular Training . Indoor Cycling Classes . Group Fitness Classes . Massage Therapy #MA63175
. Personal Training . Pro Shop . Sauna . Smoothie Bar . Strength Training . Tanning * club amenities vary at each location
NEW LOWER RATE
Nuu Splash To fight the heat in the Florida summer, pools and other water-oriented activities are almost a must. Good tunes always benefit an afternoon at the pool. The Nuu Splash has an IP55 rating, meaning it’s resistant to both water and dust. You don’t have to worry about it getting damaged, no matter if you’re doing cannonballs into the pool, chilling with friends at the beach or caught out in an unexpected rainstorm, Splash will continue to play your favorite tunes. Using the latest Bluetooth technology, the Splash allows you to play your favorite music wirelessly from your digital music devices. Its compact design doesn’t mean compromised sound quality either. Two neodymiums speaker drivers, combined with a passive bass radiator deliver crisp, clear and balanced sound for both music and voice. $99 gonuu.com
Totally useless fact: Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
$9.99
PER MONTH
*Hurry. Limited time offer on basic membership. See club for details. Offer expires 6/31/13. Campus Talk
7ACCESS DAY PASS
TAKE US FOR A TEST RUN *First time guests only. Must be 18+ yrs. of age & local resident with valid photo ID. See club for details. Offer expires 6/30/13. Campus Talk.
FREE MONTH OF GROUP FITNESS CLASSES
*Hurry, limited time offer with the purchase of a basic membership. See club for details. Offer expires 6/30/13. Campus Talk.
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BLAST FROM THE PAST!
This Month
In History June is more than just a month renowned for lounging around on the beach and sipping ice-cold cocktails with funny umbrellas in them. In fact, June is littered with historical relevance, from the last at-bat the Babe ever took to the admission, secession and readmission of Arkansas as a United States territory. Check out the rest of the skeletons in June’s closet… 2nd 1935
11th 1963
Babe Ruth announced his retirement.
2nd 1967 The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
5th 1968 Senator Robert F. Kennedy was shot and fatally wounded in Los Angeles.
6th 1933
The first drive-in movie theater opened in New Jersey.
Arkansas was readmitted to the Union.
25th 1876
General George Custer and his 7th Calvary were massacred at the Battle of Little Big Horn.
11th 1979 Actor and folk hero John Wayne died at age 72.
4th 1778 The United States Secret Service was organized.
22nd 1868
Alabama Governor George Wallace blocked AfricanAmerican students from attending the University of Alabama.
27th 1844
15th 1752
Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, and his brother were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.
Benjamin Franklin proved that lightning is electricity.
15th 1836
27th 1880
Arkansas became the 25th state to enter the Union.
Hellen Keller was born in Tuscumbia, AL.
19th 1862
Slavery was outlawed in United States territories.
19th 1910
28th 1894 Labor Day was first established as a federal holiday.
Father’s Day was first celebrated in Spokane, WA.
See, we told you June was more than just a month of fun in the sun. Now that you’ve been edumacated, you’re free to resume your position on your beachside chaise lounge overlooking the water. In fact, for your troubles, we’ve ordered another round of that colorful, fruity cocktail you’ve been sipping on all afternoon. Funny umbrella included… of course.
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Totally useless fact: Daffy Duck’s middle name is “Dumas.”
Totally useless fact: The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158. verses.
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Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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WE DELIVER! RELISH2GO.COM DELIVERY FEE s NO HIDDEN FEES MUST BE PLACED ONLINE AT RELISH GO COM
CAMPUS 201SE 2nd Ave 352.692.4400
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Totally useless fact: Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Totally useless fact: Korean television, a country where “Chachi” translates to “penis.”
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S E C A P S D E T I LIM G N I N I REMA
APPLY TODAY FOR FALL
private bedrooms & bathrooms. pet friendly. resort-style living. individual leases. sand volleyball & basketball courts. 3 resort-style swimming pools.
APPLY ONLINE TODAY @ ESTATES GAINESVILLE.COM Ĺ&#x201D; 48 5) "7& 76
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Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Totally useless fact: Donald Duck’s middle name is “Fauntleroy.”
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
SUDOKU
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
star map
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
JUNE
GO FIGURE fear knot!
Totally useless fact: Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch
CRYPTO QUOTE
QUIP{
where’s frank?
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hahahaha
As my mother always said, any married man should forget his mistakes because there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Remembtoer
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Two cows were talking at market and Molly says to Daisy, “I was artificially inseminated an hour ago.” Daisy replied, “I don’t believe that for a minute.” Molly retorted, “It’s true – no bull.”
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This could be considered the ideal world for many men: At a recent visit to my dentist, as soon as I walked in he told me to say, “Aaah.” When I asked why he replied, “Because my cat has just died.”
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties, his mistress in the centerfold of Playboy, and a picture of his wife on the milk carton.
Did you hear about the man who recently awoke from a 30-year coma and the first thing he asked for was a cup of coffee? “Just a little cup,” he said. “A lot of caffeine tends to keep me awake”.
Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
working it out
Roman Krznaric is a cultural thinker and writer, as well as the author of an insightful new book, “How to Find Fulfilling Work.” Krznaric shares his knowledge on the the ins and outs of job satisfaction, career changes and the future of the workforce. Why do you think so many people are unsatisfied with their work? Over the past three decades, there’s been a rising expectation for work that’s about more than just the salary. Today, more and more people are looking for jobs that embody their values, passions and talents, whether they’re a taxi driver or a recent college graduate. That helps explain why job satisfaction in the US is currently at a record low of 47 percent. Twenty years ago when people weren’t asking so much of their careers, it was up at 60 percent. If someone did choose to change their career, should they do it gradually or “jump in”? I’m generally an advocate of jumping in, but some people feel more comfortable with a gradual approach. For them I advise branching projects. If you are an unhappy banker, you don’t need to dramatically resign on Monday morning. Instead, try doing some experiments on the side of your existing job – do some freelance web design on the weekends or teach yoga. Keep building up these branching projects until you feel ready to leave your old job behind you.
In your book, you discuss the “plan then implement” model that’s sold to us by career advisers. What is this model? For the past hundred years, the classic approach to career advice has been that we should start with lots of planning – researching professions, drawing up lists of your strengths and weaknesses, taking personality tests – and use this to pinpoint an ideal career, then start sending out application letters. Why do you think we should reject this model? The problem is that this model might help you get a job, but it’s unlikely to be a fulfilling one. Why? For the simple reason that you haven’t tested it out in reality. The evidence shows that we need to turn this model on its head. Instead of thinking then acting, we should act first and think later. The way to do this is to do lots of job shadowing and volunteering, so we get some experiential learning under our belts.
How has your life experience influenced your book? I’ve tried lots of different jobs – and failed at plenty of them too! I used to be an academic, teaching sociology and politics, then switched to being a professional gardener. I’ve tried being a financial journalist but also a carpenter and community worker. Along the way I’ve done tennis coaching and the very challenging job of a being a father of young twins. Today most of my time is spent as a writer. Having been experimental with my own career has really helped me reflect on what a meaningful job looks like, and what it takes to overcome fear and make substantive career changes. What’s a quote or motto that you live by? I’ve always liked Zorba the Greek: “A man needs a little madness, or else he never dares to cut the rope and be free.” Roman Krznaric is the author of ”How to Find Fulfilling Work,” released by Picador, and teaches courses on career change at The School of Life. www.romankrznaric.com
Totally useless fact: The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
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FOR THE FOURTH
Fireworks by Kelly Herman
A Guide to America’s Favorite Explosives Barbecuing, games and drinking all day, many of us do this every Saturday. For those of us who don’t there’s a special day for this beautiful combination, and that day is July 4th. Independence Day isn’t just about a piece of paper some guys wearing pantaloons wrote 3,000 years ago. It’s about burgers and ribs, corn hole and horseshoes, and cupcakes with those plastic American flag rings sitting in the middle. Mostly, though, it’s about the fireworks, which is why it’s so important that everyone is aware of the fireworks that will spark such enthusiasm.
For the Easy-Going There are tons of stunning firework types, but to get a great show with the least amount of effort, you’ll want to pick up some repeaters/ cakes. You light one fuse and a preset routine of fountains and rockets will go off on their own. Get the biggest “bang” for your buck, so you can sit back and finish that ice cream. For the Noisemakers If you don’t already know about firecrackers, you must be living under a toilet lid. There’s also the salute, which screams up into the air and finishes with a loud bang. Go on and have some fun with those poppers, worst neighbor ever. For the Pyros Are you usually the one who’s sitting next to the campfire, tediously tending to it like a newborn infant? Well, snakes give you the joyous vision of burning and flames, without all the effort. You could also volunteer to be the one who lights all the fireworks if you don’t have control over which ones are bought. Just go easy with the lighter. For the “Mature Adults” Even if you feel grown up, paying bills or whatever those pieces of paper with the numbers on them are, you still like to have fun and goof around. Sparklers are wellknown for their value when it comes to writing names in the air, but snaps can also be a hoot. Throw them at other peoples’ feet and make those suckers dance. They won’t even be able to keep the red, white and blue popsicles from dripping down their arms. For the Competitive Sure, the little cars and tanks are meant for children, but if you line them up and light them at the same time, you’ve got a full on race happening on your driveway. You can also race parachutes that fire off a lit “man”, and see which one hits the ground first, or you can see which Roman Candle shoots sparks the farthest. Just be sure to aim them straight down an empty street. We definitely do not condone shooting them directly at your neighbors’ stupid rat-dog. For the Visual The best fireworks to look at are the chrysanthemums, palm trees and weeping willows. Their pretty colors burst in the sky, providing a calming effect with their slow release and descent. They’re also a bunch of burning chemicals that look like things from nature, so bask in nature’s beauty. When July finally comes around, you’ll be prepared with the knowledge of which firework type will excite you most… just be sure to wear cotton clothing so you don’t end up in the hospital, away from your grenadine, vodka and Blue Curacao shots. That would be tragic indeed, and not at all American.
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Totally useless fact: The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
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TRY THIS AT HOME For the very low price of $99.95, I can make you funny, the life of the party, the class clown. Yes, before you know it you’ll, be hosting Saturday Night Live, you’ll be bigger than Brady Bunch reruns, getting more laughs than light beer commercials and Jerry Seinfeld will be opening for YOU.
How to be Funny by john scheck
Guys, allow me to let you in on something: chicks dig funny guys. Trust me on this one. I get so much action I’ve had to take drastic measures to avoid women when I go out in public. I actually have to dress in disguise. I wear a Lord of the Rings t-shirt that repels even the most sex-starved females. Sometimes I just have to wait until the thonged throng outside my door loses hope and heads for the Justin Beiber concert as a desperate consolation. I know what you’re saying to yourself. You’re saying, “I can’t ever be funny. I’m the most tedious human being that has ever spent an entire weekend watching televised golf. I think that Family Circus is funny.” No one said it was going to be easy in your case but if you follow the simple instructions, I guarantee that you will have your friends peeing themselves with laughter. My instructional series for the humorimpaired has helped thousands of people just like you; people who wouldn’t know a punch line from a clothes line; people who wouldn’t recognize irony if it moved into the spare bedroom and used the last of the toilet paper without replacing it. If you suffer from this campus talk
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crippling ailment, don’t hesitate; send a check today. Here’s a preview of what you will learn. What is the secret to comedy you ask? Ronald Reagan and Walt Disney knew the secret. Do you want to know what the secret is? Do you? The secret to comedy: monkeys. Monkeys are funny. The expression “more fun than a barrel of monkeys” comes from the 1600s. The intrepid English explorer, Sir Francis Drake, brought a barrel of monkeys back to England as a present for Queen Elizabeth. By the time he finished his circumnavigation of the globe, the monkeys were dead from scurvy, but that just made it funnier. The actual expression is “more fun than a barrel of dead monkeys” but the people at PETA changed it. Take something that you think is funny, like the time your friend Abe wore a dress and sang “Over the Rainbow” at the office Christmas party two years ago. Yeah, that was pretty funny. We all laughed about that one for weeks. Now just imagine a monkey doing that and suddenly it’s twice as funny. It’s not always convenient to have a chimpanzee at your beck and call 24 hours a day. If it were
that easy, every dork in boat shoes with a cell phone clipped to his belt would be knocking the ladies dead at the local bar. Besides that, monkeys are filthy little creatures that crap everywhere and they can be exceedingly violent. Don’t despair; I have other things to teach you.
Another key to being funny is this: DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell a joke. Jokes are generally devoid of humor. If the joke was funny, it was because someone else came up with it. If you repeat it, that doesn’t make you funny. I can read Shakespeare but that doesn’t mean I can write plays. If you absolutely must tell a joke, make sure that it is completely tasteless and sick. Example: any joke that starts out like this. “This pedophile serial killer is walking into the woods at night with this little boy ....”* If you can’t make people laugh, at least you can offend them, which is almost as good. Most humor is completely tasteless and offensive. Why do you think fart jokes have been the bread and butter of comedians since Aristophanes? *Thoroughly tasteless punch line available upon request.
Totally useless fact: The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
AH, MEMORIES
Theories by Kelly Herman
to Ruin Your
Childhood If you’ve watched a Disney movie lately, you’ve probably started picking up on all of the adult content hidden between the lines that you missed as a kid. Maybe you, too, still watch some of the old cartoons you used to stare at aimlessly, especially now that they’re (FINALLY) on Netflix. Some of these shows are pretty cracked out though. If you’ve ever wanted to completely shatter your childhood memories with theories behind some of these ridiculous TV shows, we can supply you with the mallet.
Pinky and the Brain Yes, they’re laboratory mice and their genes have been spliced. Yes, they do the same thing every night. And yes, one is a genius and the other’s insane – but which is which?
Spongebob Squarepants You cannot be surprised to see this first on our list. “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” No one, cause that’s batshit crazy. Why is there even a pineapple sitting on the ocean floor in a place called Bikini Bottom anyway?
Courage the Cowardly Dog If anyone else was creeped out by this show, you were not alone. Literally everything is scary or so obscure your brain can’t even process it. The show’s about this poor little pink dog, stranded in the middle of nowhere with all of these insane visitors and a jerkoff owner (not you, Muriel, you angel).
Theory: I think you mean Bikini Atoll, the place this show was based off of. The theory goes that Spongebob and his talking friends are all just the effects of underwater radiation, which mutated everything – including the pineapple. Ever wondered where the show got images of mushroom clouds over water? Thanks to the U.S. government’s experimentation with atomic bombs in the 40s, footage of some of the explosions exist, and the bottom of Bikini Atoll became an inspiration to the people at Nickelodeon. This still doesn’t explain why a crab is the father of a whale, but you can come up with your own ideas for that one.
Theory: What is it about a genius that allows his giant head to concoct methods for taking over the world, only to be foiled every time? Well, the one with the giant head is not the genius, but is actually insane. That’s right, our adorably retarded Pinky is actually the genius, while Brain is the bumbling nut job trying to mastermind his reign over the earth each night. It doesn’t take much to realize this if you just watch one episode: Pinky asserts some flaw in Brain’s plan that always turns out to be right, fixes the calculations for why Brain always fails (which ends up being Brain himself ), and can read when Brain writes his name like a 2nd grader. If that isn’t enough, Brain creates a “smart machine” that ends up not actually working on Pinky, meaning it was never made correctly in the first place, or Pinky was already smart to begin with. We always knew Pinky was good for something.
Theory: Dogs are pretty clueless and have no idea what’s going on. The ignorant pup is probably in the same boat as all the other dogs; he’s not smart and heroic, but confused with accidental bouts of bravery … unless there’s a vacuum around. The show most likely takes place through the eyes of Courage, whose experiences with strange creatures are really just interactions with the mailman or people who are purchasing supplies from the farm. Basically, this is all just wacky stuff that Courage makes out to be bigger than it really is. Typical domesticated animal.
Totally useless fact: The U.S. military operates 234 golf courses.
Ed, Edd, n Eddy Besides the buttered toast, chickens and gobstoppers, there are a lot of not-so-normal things going on in this show, and that’s not even including all the ways the Eds go about scamming kids for quarters. One thing very not normal about them: They’re all dead. Theory: …or at least that’s what this theory says. All of the kids living in the cul-de-sac are really just stuck in purgatory, with demons bent on torturing them. Not the show you watched? Think again. They’ve all got weird colored skin and tongues, and never leave except to see Eddy’s brother, which was probably just a visit to Hell since he was a doucher anyway. They’ve also got the Kanker sisters, who make their lives a living, well, purgatory. Why are the Kankers any different? They are the only characters with skincolored skin and pink tongues. We’re not sure why there are only children in this version of limbo, since there are never any adults (except for the nonmoving shadow kind), but to top it all off, the theory also says that each kid was killed in a different time period. Like Jimmy, the pale whiney one, died of leukemia in the 2000s. Talk about a bummer. Now that we’ve destroyed some of your childhood memories, take a trip back and come up with your own theories on why so many of these shows have such ridiculous plot lines. We would really appreciate someone taking a crack at Ren and Stimpy, for instance. Seriously, what was going on there. campus talk
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY?
flicks
Man of Steel Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Sci-Fi WHO: Henry Cavill, Michael Shannon, Amy Adams, Russell Crowe WHEN: June 14 Director Zack Snyder (Watchmen and 300) helms this age-old, action-hero flick. With hopes to finally do the story justice, Warner Bros. also brought on Christopher Nolan as a producer. In this retelling, a child is sent to Earth from a dying planet. He is adopted by a couple in Kansas. As he ages, he must learn to come to terms with his special abilities and learn how to use and control them in a world that will not be able to understand such powers. His abilities come in handy, however, when he must defend the planet against members of his alien race. WHAT:
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The Internship World War Z Action, Drama, Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Brad Pitt, James Badge Dale, Mireille Enos, David Morse WHEN: June 21 Based on a novel by Max Brooks, “World War Z” is a race-againsttime thriller following Gerry Lane (Pitt) as he travels a world in chaos, trying to stop a zombie outbreak that is destroying armies and governments, with a threat to end humanity itself. WHAT:
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WHAT: Comedy WHO: Rose Byrne, John
Goodman, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson WHEN: June 7 Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson team up again as two salesmen, recently turned unemployed, struggling to keep up with the fast-track digital age. To do so, the two earn internships with Google. There, they must compete with a younger, tech-savvy group of geniuses to earn jobs with the internet company.
This Is The End WHAT: Action, Comedy WHO: James Franco, Paul Rudd,
Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill WHEN: June 14 Playing themselves, this group of funny actors and actresses get together for a big party at James Franco’s house; little did they know, it would be their last. Hilarity ensues as the celebrities scurry for safety in attempt to survive the apocalypse, and each other.
The Heat WHAT: Action, Comedy, Crime WHO: Sandra Bullock, Melissa
McCarthy, Marlon Wayans, Tony Hale WHEN: June 28 Sandra Bullock plays an uptight FBI special agent who is paired with a much more aggressive Boston Cop, Shannon Mullins (McCarthy), in this odd couple action comedy. The two must work through their conflicting personalities while also trying to take down a ruthless drug lord.
Totally useless fact: The very first song played on MTV was ‘Video Killed The Radio Star’ by the Buggles.
rent me! Oz the Great and Powerful
Small
WHAT: Action, Adventure, Fantasy WHO: James Franco, Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz WHEN: June 11 Directed by Sam Raimi, “Oz the Great and Powerful” is based on L. Frank Baum’s 1900 novel “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz,” taking place as a prequel to the 1939 film “The Wizard of Oz.” Oz tells the story of a small-time magician with questionable ethics. Out to prove himself a “great” man, he embarks on a hot air balloon trip, only to be curtailed by a tornado. He wakes up in a magical land where his “skills” are put to the test as he must choose between becoming a good man or a great one.
Screen
Identity Thief WHAT: Comedy, Crime WHO: Jason Bateman,
Melissa McCarthy and John Cho WHEN: June 4 Diana (McCarthy) has been living the life in Miami. The only problem, it’s on someone else’s dime. To fund her life of luxury, she’s been using the name “Sandy Bigelow Patterson,” which belongs to an accounts rep (Bateman) who lives halfway across the country. The only way to stop her is for the real Sandy to drive to Miami and hunt down the thief and bring her back to his home state, Denver, to make her pay for her crimes and return his name to its former good status.
Warm Bodies WHAT: Comedy, Horror,
Romance WHO: Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer and John Malkovich WHEN: June 4 Post apocalypse, a zombie referred to as R rescues a live girl, Julie, from a zombie attack. She sees that R isn’t like the other zombies and begins to form a bond with him. Their connection kicks off a series of events that begin to transform him back to life, as well as others in the lifeless world.
A Good Day to Die Hard WHAT: Action, Crime, Thriller WHO: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney
and Mary Elizabeth Winstead WHEN: June 4 John McClane returns to the big screen, but this time, it’s on a trip to Russia to help out Jack, his wayward son. Upon arrival, John realizes that his son is actually a CIA operative trying to stop a nuclear-weapons heist. The father and son must team up to defeat the underground forces.
Totally useless fact: The the U.S. you dial ‘911’. In Stockholm, Sweden you dial 90000.
Stoker WHAT: Drama, Horror, Mystery WHO: Mia Wasikowska, Nicole
Kidman, Matthew Goode
WHEN: June 18
Directed by Chan-Wook Park, this psychological thriller tells the story of an enigmatic uncle, Charlie, who moves in with India (Wasikowska) and her emotionally unstable mother after the death of India’s father. Despite her suspicions of the man’s motives, India becomes more and more infatuated with him. campus talk
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business sense!
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.” “Very good”, said the teacher. Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines,” she said. “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Debbie,” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher. “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny. “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!” Then I would say, “It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Presidential method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.” Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
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Totally useless fact: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
6
MAKE IT … THEN BREAK IT!
Utterly By Guy Namath
Stupid
Inventions From The Past Century
Throughout history, tons of pointless, idiotic things have been made. For instance, acid-washed jeans, pet rocks and the Kardashians, to name a few. But every now and then, a truly moronic invention comes along that makes you scratch your head (and your balls) with sheer confusion. Here are six such creations that are sure to leave you more befuddled than Andy Dick in an all-girl orgy.
Rainy Day Cigarette Holder (1954)
Baby Cage (1937)
Before Michael Jackson was dangling babies outside his window, there was the Chelsea Baby Club in London. They used a metal cage suspended over a windowsill to show off their infants like lab rats. For a small fee, you could upgrade the cage to include a lick-n-drip water bottle and a workout wheel. Studies show that the vast majority of these babies ended up working at Disney as costumed Mickey Mouses. The rest grew up to kill their parents as revenge. 90
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Venetian Blind Sunglasses (1950) Why darken your lenses to block out the sun when you could just as easily thwart your vision with sequenced blinds on your glasses? Perhaps the only benefit from these fashion faux-pas was not being able to see how incredibly stupid and clown-like you looked in the mirror. Too bad nobody gave Kanye the message …
What’s worse than a complete dependency on nicotine? For starters, being so hooked on smokes, you’re willing to create a rain-proof holder so you can puff in all types of weather conditions. Robert L. Stern, president of the Zeus Corporation, took a standard cigarette holder and added a way-too-easy-to-ridicule umbrella to shade the lit part of the stogie, allowing smokers everywhere to slowly kill themselves in rain or shine. Ah, the American Dream …
Cigarette Pack Holder (1955)
One year after the Rainy Day Cigarette Holder was invented, smokers were awarded an even better gift – a cigarette holder that actually held up to 20 cigs at once! As deadly as an atom bomb and eerily similar in appearance to a Jewish menorah, this invention wiped out more people than Vietnam and T-Pain’s music career combined. But, hey, when you gotta have a smoke (or 20), you gotta have it, right?
Totally useless fact: 5,840 people with pillow-related injuries checked into U.S. emergency rooms in 1992.
hahahaha
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Husband 1: I am the boss of the house. I couldn’t find cold water in the house, so I shouted for hot water and got it immediately.
Neighbor 1: “I think that it was the Smith’s wedding anniversary yesterday.” Neighbor 2: “How do you know that?” Neighbor 1: “There was two minutes of silence in their house yesterday.”
Husband 2: Wow, that’s great. Is it for drinking or bathing? Husband 1: It was for washing the dishes.
I was at Waterloo station traveling to France and the man behind the ticket desk said, “Eurostar.”
Anti-Bandit Bag (1963)
What do you do when a thief attempts to nab your briefcase? You release a trigger on the handle that makes all its contents scatter on the ground … then watch as the armed robber picks up all your stuff and makes off with it anyway. Inventor John H. T. Rinfret thought his chain-pulled bag would deter thieves from pilfering his belongings. He ended up getting robbed just as often, with the added embarrassment of having to stand and watch as burglars took their sweet-ass time rounding up his goods.
Hubbard Electrometer (1968)
From the man who brought you the evil lord Xenu and Tom Cruise eating baby placenta came this world-changing invention that, um, measured pain in tomatoes. After several experiments (and about 500 sanity tests), L. Ron Hubbard deduced that tomatoes “scream when sliced.” It’s safe to assume Hubbard charged the tomatoes a hefty fee for electrometer readings, promising to bring them enlightenment after they’d drained their entire life’s savings into his bank account.
Man 1: I became a millionaire after marriage. Man 2: Wow! Your wife has sure brought lots of luck to you. Man 1: Actually, I was a billionaire before marriage.
I replied, “I did reach the last eight on X-Factor, but I‘m no Will Young.”
I went to our local butcher’s last week and asked for two pounds of bacon. “We only sell kilos here sir,” said the butcher. “Okay,” I replied. “I’ll have two pounds of kilos then.”
Totally useless fact: The only real person to ever appear on a Pez dispenser was Betsy Ross.
Employee to boss: My wife wants me to take a holiday tomorrow since the attic, the garage and the garden has to be cleaned. Boss: Sorry I cannot give you a holiday tomorrow. Employee: Thanks boss, I knew you would help me.
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EVERYBODY POOPS
POOPONOMICS We rarely think about it after flushing the toilet in the morning, but processing and getting rid of human waste is big business in America - and it affects your financial bottom line more than you think.
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Totally useless fact: Americans travel 1,144,721,000 miles by air every day.
EVERYBODY POOPS
Totally useless fact: 100 percent of lottery winners do gain weight .
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ingme W n Getting stuck with the ugly chick since 1909
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