www.mycampus talk .com NOVEMBER 2012
CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND
How to Make it as an
Entrepreneur Actress Winter Ave Zoli Talks the Show and Her Recent Playboy Shoot
Advice on
Student Checking Accounts
Ways to Avoid Being
UnThanksgiving A Not-So Grateful Thanksgiving
Study Abroad Tips For Overseas Studies
“ThatGuy” at the Gym
College
Life
An About.com Perspective
Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff 1 Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
campus talk
october 2006
live close
LIVE COLLEGE
Walk to UF & Downtown. Upgraded amenities. Private bedrooms & bathrooms. Washer & dryer included.
2 N D AV E C E N T R E . C O M 505 S. W. 2nd Ave | 352.372.3790 amenities subject to change
Go Paperless. Save Time. Get eBill. Get and pay bills online. It’s fast, paperless, easy and convenient. You have better things to do, so why waste extra time on bills? With eBill, getting and paying your monthly bill is a snap. Get an e-mail reminder to see your amount due, bill details and due date every month. You can also schedule a payment with just a few clicks of the mouse on our secure website. Plus, eBill is good for the environment and will provide cost savings that GRU can pass along to customers.
• Minimize clutter • Reduce paperwork • Save money on stamps • Keep personal information out of unsecured mailboxes For details and easy sign up, visit www.gru.com or for assistance call 352-334-3434.
Archer Road store only: 6500 SW Archer RD, 32608 352-271-8085
3314SW 35th Blvd. Across from Butler Plaza, Next to Subway. 352 505 5757 FAST, FRESH, TASTY
GOURMET CHINESE FOOD
Asian WOK & GRILL
MYMOCHI.BIZ
GRAB YOUR COPY NOW. HERE’S A FEW TO START YOU OFF! Exclusively featuring
Miraku Japanese Steakhouse
FREE ENTREE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
Dinner:
CLOSED MONDAYS
Sunday–Thursday: 4 pm–10 pm Friday–Saturday: 4 pm–11pm
4005 SW 40th Blvd. 352-336-3188 mirakujapenesesteakhouse.com
YOU CAN FIND MORE LIKE THESE IN GATOR BUCKS TO SAVE YOTUE$E$D !
GUARAN
GATORBUCKS.COM
3426 SW 35TH BLVD In Butler Plaza (352) 692-1260
$3
EXPIRES: 01/15/13
www.gatorbucks.com
3426 SW 35TH BLVD In Butler Plaza (352) 692-1260 NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFER. VALID ONLY AT GAINESVILLE LOCATION.
W/PURCHASE OF ADULT DRINK
COME IN AND DINE
Fresh taste at a great price.™
EXPIRES: 01/15/13. REDEEMABLE IN GAINESVILLE ONLY. ONE COUPON PER PERSON
99
www.gatorbucks.com
COUPON REQUIRED
$2 off
GOURMET CHINESE FOOD
Asian WOK & GRILL
w/purchase of an entrée and drink
EXPIRES: 01/15/13
CVZ B XIPQQFS DPNCP NFBM HFU B XIPQQFS TBOEXJDI
www.gatorbucks.com
Archer Road store only: 6500 SW Archer RD, 32608 352-271-8085
www.gatorbucks.com
*NOT VALID ON DELIVERY ORDERS OR ANY OTHER COUPONS, DISCOUNT OR OFFER.
www.asianwok andgrill.com
WITH PURCHASE OF ANY 1 MEAL & MEDIUM DRINK
$1 OFF
'3&&
Dinner:
Miraku Japanese Steakhouse
FREE ENTREE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
Exclusively featuring
One per person, can not use with any other coupon and use of only once in a 6 month period.
Miraku
a leader in Teppanyaki
$5 OFF
Sunday–Thursday: 4 pm–10 pm Friday–Saturday: 4 pm–11pm
CLOSED MONDAYS
4005 SW 40th Blvd. 352-336-3188 mirakujapenesesteakhouse.com
$1 OFF
MOCHI FROZEN YOGURT
ON PURCHASE OF $4 OR MORE
MYMOCHI.BIZ
CAN’T BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFERS, LIMIT ONE COUPON/PER CUSTOMER/PER DAY
EXPIRES: 01/15/13
EXPIRES: 12/31/2012
EXPIRES: 01/15/13
any purchase of $25 or more
www.gatorbucks.com
www.gatorbucks.com
%
10
www.gatorbucks.com EXPIRES 01/15/13
2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com
BLACK
â„¢
PMS 200
1670 W. University Blvd., Unit 3 (352) 271-7977 1310C N.W. 23rd Ave (13th Street) (352) 375-6610
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
MARK BOSTICK GOLF COURSE
.com
â„¢
PMS 1235
SINCE 1983
BUY ONE GET ONE
6'' SUBS ON SUNDAYS
â„¢
2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851
www.hogans83.com
VALID AT GAINESVILLE, FL KANGAROO STORES ONLY. OFFER EXPIRES 01/15/13
W/ PURCHASE OF TWO 22OZ FOUNTAIN DRINKS
PMS 1235
SE PURCHA Y FOOD WITH AN
L SMAL AIN FOUNT DRINK
SUNDAYS ONLY. LIMIT ONE COUPON PER PERSON PER DAY. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON, DISCOUNT, OR OFFER, INCLUDING THE DAILY SPECIAL. EXPIRES 1-15-13.
www.gatorbucks.com
PMS 200
â„¢
LIMIT 1 COUPON PER PERSON. NOT REDEEMABLE FOR CASH.
www.gatorbucks.com
www.gatorbucks.com
EXPIRES: 01/15/13
EXP 01/15/13
&2%%
BUY ONE BAG OF RANGE BALLS,
'%4 /.% "!'
MUST PRESENT COUPON AT TIME OF PURCHASE. LIMIT ONE (1) COUPON PER PERSON PER VISIT.
www.gatorbucks.com
2800 SW 2nd Avenue Gainesville, FL 32607
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
MARK BOSTICK GOLF COURSE
DINE IN ONLY. NOT VALID W/OTHER COUPON OR SPECIAL OFFERS OR ON COMBOS. LIMIT ONE PER PERSON.
BLACK
FREE
EXPIRES 01/15/13
SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK
7 5NIVERSITY !VE s 'AINESVILLE &,
352.519.5161 flipflopshops.com The Oaks Mall 6387 Newberry Road Gainesville, FL 32605 ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE RETAIL
FEATURE
$2
SINCE 1983
s (OURS -n& s AMn PM 2800 SW 2nd Avenue Gainesville, FL 32607
FREE BUY ONE GET ONE
REGULAR PRICE.
www.DTBarbershop.com www.gatorbucks.com
Hair Cut & Hot Lathered Neck Shave
OFF
Back to School
www.gatorbucks.com
The Oaks Mall 6387 Newberry Road Gainesville, FL 32605
s flipflopshops.com
NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFER, COUPON OR DISCOUNT. EXPIRES 1-15-13.
ANY PURCHASE OF $35 OR MORE
GET $5 OFF
UPQQJOH QJ[[B LG 7
ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON OR OFFER
ONLINE AT WWW.GATORFIVESTAR.COM
³ -BSHF
EXPIRES: 01/15/13 ONLINE CODE: LG7
FREE YOUR TOES . . . GAINESVILLE! www.gatorbucks.com
www.gatorbucks.com
PURCHASE OF $7.99
$1 OFF WITH MINIMUM
WWW.DESIGNERGREENS.NET
EXPIRES: 01/15/13 EXPIRES: 01/15/13
COUPON NOT VALID ON DAY OF HOME FOOTBALL GAMES
BREAKIN’ IT DOWN! P14
CONTENTS
GOOD
P66
READING
09 UnThanksgiving:
5 Things We’re Ungrateful For 10 Study Abroad 12 How to Get Organized 13 Essential Social Media Tips for College Students 14 An Interview with P17 Winter Ave Zoli 16 A Time for Celebration 17 Work Out Faux Pas 18 Frank the Cab Driver 22 No Sex Tonight 24 Life Explained P13
6
campus talk
|
november 2012
P56
09
31 Managing Your Money 32 Kitchenability 101 34 How to Score a
Performance Artist 56 All the Math You’ll Ever (Really) Need 58 How to Make Your Lady a Good Dinner 66 How to Date Like a Guy 68 Uncovering the Truth Behind Actions of Women 70 Sexy Sex-Filled Sexfest 81 College Life Tips from About. com’s Kelci Lynn 82 Student Checking Accounts 84 Can You Learn How to be an Entrepreneur?
P12
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: Only 1 percent of all the readily accessible water on earth is drinkable.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR
P84
ENTERTAINMENT 38 Autocorrect Fails
54 Sore Thumbs
41 Scheckism
57 Drunksgiving
42 Funny Drink Coasters
60 Gadgets
46 Beauty Time
64 Spot the Difference
48 What You’re Really Watching
86 Flicks
During an NFL Game 52 Music Reviews
P10 P52
92 Girls Are Like Apples 94 Pick-Up Lines
P68 P57
P31
P60
Totally useless fact: Despite the well-known urban legend, if a bird ingests uncooked rice it will not explode.
campus talk
|
november 2012
7
WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER Fall is in the Air…Sort of Although the leaves may not change and the temperature barely drops, it’s that time of year again: when football hopes and dreams have either faded, soared or been reduced to wishes of luck and crossed-fingers, turkey and mashed potatoes are served in some fashion everywhere you go, and families regretfully come together to celebrate a day that our snooty ancestors invaded a foreign land and gave a bunch of indigenous people diseases. Yep, it’s Thanksgiving! In lieu of the holiday, we here at CT have packed on a little extra meat for your ocular pleasure. To kick off the holidays, we sat down with Sons of Anarchy actress Winter Ave Zoli (Lyla) for an exclusive interview regarding the
show, her career and her stint in Playboy. We topped it off with some tips on college living, advice on opening a student checking account, ways to get organized, some thoughts on entrepreneurship, as well as our usual slew of jokes, reviews, relationship quandaries and, of course, good ole’ Frank. So, this year as your family attempts to deep fry that turkey-stuffed turkey without burning down the house for once, remember that at least you have final exams to come back to and CT to get you through them.
Daniel Sutphin
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
Editor-IN-CHIEF
Lauren Douglass
CONTENT EDITOR
LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY
art director
DANIEL TIDBURY
Graphic Design
DANIEL TIDBURY LISA TORRES JANE DOMINGUEZ
staff writers
Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK
Contributing Writers
Marc Douglass Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN
FASHIon FEATURES
Lauren-Michelle KolanskY Emily Alter
SPeCIAL PROJECTS
LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY Daniel sutphin hilah driggers
nightlife Paparazzi
Jason Frankenfield
Promotions
Amanda LILES karen jones AnnMarie DeFeo
director of advertising
Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com
SALES
Bryan porter
Legal Counsel
Gary Edinger
distributed by
street teams, inc.
president of operations MARC DOUGLASS
Campus talk is licensed for publishing rights in florida to whp, inc. other markets are available. for information on owning campus talk in another city, please contact us. phone :
(352) 371.5881
email :
mail@mycampustalk.com
THE WHAT’S HAPPENING NETWORK
snail mail :
P.O. Box 143053 Gainesville, Fl 32614
visit online :
mycampustalk.com
This magazine is rated EFH for Extremely Freakin’ Hilarious. EFH [WHP - A diversified marketing & publishing organization] Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The What’s Happening Truck
8
campus talk
|
Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.
november 2012
Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.
Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.
From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.
Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: Jellyfish are 94 to 98 percent water!
BAH, HUMBUG!
Forget being Jewish on Christmas. Do you know how lonely it is to be a cynic on Thanksgiving? Everyone’s grateful for everything, and you’re left all alone with your grumpiness and misery. Well, not anymore! It’s time to share your gloom and ungratefulness with the rest of the happy saps. Here’s hoping they can handle the cold, bitter truth!
By Chris Jenkins
Unthanksgiving!
5 Ungrateful For Things We’re
Pets
Freedom
Free speech, cable TV and all-you-can-eat buffets be damned! Freedom has its steep price… namely taxes and terrorists always trying to destroy its very existence. Way to go, America. You’re effectively charging your citizens to become targets for the radicals living in the world. Besides, who needs freedom when you could have indentured servitude? Seriously, now…
Babies
Who cries for an entire seven-hour flight while you have a splitting headache? Babies. Who requires you to clean up their feces multiple times a day? Babies. Who secretly plotted the September 11th attacks while deflecting the blame on grown men living halfway across the planet? Babies!!! Maybe China’s got the right idea after all…
Tips
Let me get this straight. You get paid to do a job – a simple one, at that – and I’m supposed to give you 20% extra out of common courtesy and long-honored tradition? When I’m finished with this article, can I ask my publisher for 20%, you know, for the effort? In that same breath, should I give my girlfriend only 10% for a lackluster and seemingly faked effort in bed?
Oh, they’re so cute and cuddly, and they show constant affection day and night. Blah, blah, blah. They’re no different than babies. Pets make you clean up after them, schedule your entire life around their needs and to top it all off, they can’t grow up to become wealthy doctors who financially support you after retirement. The only upside is that they’re gone after about 15 years… unlike those damn babies.
Totally useless fact: The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
Fashion
Not only is fashion a costly, ever-changing monopoly that has a Vulcan death grip on all of us… it’s single-handedly responsible for the confinement of every hot girl’s naked body in public. Without fashion, the world would be a glorious haven for finely toned flesh. Instead, we’re stuck in a world full of popped collars and khaki cockblockage. Way to go, Levi Strauss and Dockers. campus talk
|
november 2012
9
Leaving on a jet plane Start Early It’s always better to plan ahead. Once you know that you will definitely be attending that program abroad, start shopping and writing your packing lists. Always have a pen and paper readily available so that you can jot down things that you suddenly think to bring. Doing so will make it much easier when it comes to creating your master list of essentials. Do A Spring Cleaning Since you will be gone for a couple of months, it might be helpful to clean out your closet before you start your initial packing. It will help you narrow down your options of what to pack while also displaying all your clothes, which will help to give a better idea of what outfits to bring. Since outfit ideas may not always be as cute on as they are in your head, it might not be a bad idea to try them on before you throw them in your suitcase. Know Your Limits It is definitely a good idea to be aware of your airline’s limits, such as how many suitcases you can bring, carry-ons and how much they have to weigh. Check the fees for overweight and a second checked bag. Make sure to weigh your suitcase during the process of packing.
Study
Abroad
While getting accepted into a semester abroad program could be exciting, the months of planning before can be stressful, especially when it comes to packing for a four-month-long trip. A College Tourist ambassador gives us her personal experience when it comes to packing for her semester abroad, providing us with some very helpful tips on how to pack your life away completely stress-free. 10
campus talk
|
november 2012
Be Rational Although it would be a dream to be able to bring your entire closet with you, it’s quite impossible. Therefore, you have to be picky with what you bring. Also remember that you will most likely be bringing new purchases back from your trip. Only pack the necessary, functional pieces. You can even pack in some oldies that you don’t mind parting with on your returning trip, which will give you more space to bring back gifts and new purchases. Don’t stress With the technical details finalized, packing should be fun. Just think of all the fun you’ll have roaming the streets of a foreign country. This will probably be the most exciting and memorable few months of your life so far. Not packing some of your favorite skirts will be the least of your worries when you step off your plane in your new home! More about College Tourist College Tourist launched in April 2012 and provides a digital method for students to share the best of their own college town, such as where to eat, shop or just hang out. The College Tourist team provides a site that creates a community of local knowledge and shared experiences for college students to inspire one another. Furthermore, the College Tourist blog enhances the website experience with posts that encompass travel, fashion and food. The College Tourist team has traveled extensively and lived in numerous countries around the world including Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong, the United Kingdom and Australia, before settling into the United States.
Totally useless fact: Caterpillars have about 4,000 muscles.
THE LARGEST AND MOST DIVERSE PUBLISHING AND MEDIA ORGANIZATION IN GAINESVILLE. JUST IMAGINE WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU AND YOUR BUSINESS.
MAGAZINE
Flourish
Guide
Rentals
| SALES@WHPINC.COM (352) 371-5881 Rentals
CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!
How to Get By Anita Booth
Organized become jammed, cabinets get crammed Generally, when you have space…you fill it. Eventually closets your stuff, your stuff owns you! own longer and empty spaces turn to cluttered messes. You no have, then redefining it. Getting started only involves two steps: Clearing the space you
REDEFINING Now that you’ve cleared the extraneous stuff from your life, it’s time to get organized. Start thinking about redefining your space: overhead and underneath; stacking and shrinking.
Overhead Overhead space is the most unused space in your entire home. Installing wire shelving over each closet’s existing shelf will double your storage! If you have free-hanging kitchen cabinets, use the tops of them to store seldom-used items. Where feasible, add wire shelving, bookshelves, and cabinets near a room’s ceiling. Underneath Use space under beds, desks, and tables. These wasted areas can be usefully and attractively filled depending upon individual needs. Storing clothes and shoes in plastic containers under the bed frees up space in your closet. Running a row of plastic drawers or ‘wire cube units’ under hanging clothes gets you organized and adds lots of additional storage. Attractive file cabinets or decorative baskets are excellent fill-ins under desks and tables.
CLEARING Selecting what you need and what you no longer need is the first step to getting organized. It’s difficult, sometimes painful, to let go of things you’ve owned for a very long time. But you absolutely have to undergo this initial step. To make this task easier, keep asking yourself as you’re clearing out your items…do I really need to keep this? Closets Begin with your closets – usually the worst culprits. Sort through all your clothing keeping the “20/80 Rule” in mind: you only wear 20% of your clothing 80% of the time. Typically, laundered and dry-cleaned items are returned to their same place in the closet then re-worn first – before and ahead of other, less frequently worn clothing. Honestly assess your wardrobe and rid yourself of clothing you perpetually push aside or shun. Employ the “Two Year Rule.” Simply put, this means discard everything you haven’t worn in two years. This can be a difficult task but a very effective one. 12
campus talk
|
november 2012
Stacking Vertically stackable plastic storage drawers can be installed virtually anywhere. Fill wasted space with these groupings which come in all shapes, colors and sizes. Some interlock enabling you to tuck them in, here or there, and adapt them to your needs.
The Bathroom Is Next Perfumes, colognes, shampoos, conditioners, lotions, creams, masques, make-up – how many of these products do you no longer use or need? Perfume and cologne can change scent, hair-care products thicken or clog in their containers, and make-up has a short shelf life. Discard what you no longer need. Into the Kitchen This room is the easiest. Check code dates on all canned, bottled and packaged goods. Toss everything that’s out of code – it’s that simple! Cabinets under the sink are perpetual catch-alls. If you have too many cleaning products keep those that perform best, get rid of those that don’t. Throw away anything that’s leaking or near empty. Sort through the remaining cabinets. Discard offbeat, mis-matched, or seldom-used dinnerware and glasses. Absolutely dispose of anything that’s cracked or chipped.
Assemble your own ‘wire cube units’ into a variety of square, geometric shapes–go as high, wide or asymmetrical as you desire. These units are great in any room and serve a variety of purposes. They’re great, instant book shelves. Stack and store units for bathroom and kitchen cabinets, drawers and counter tops are innumerable. Peruse houseware aisles for articles that best relate to your individual needs; the choices are practically endless. Shrinking Vacuum-sealed storage bags…what a find! These airtight, watertight, reusable bags live up to their claims and will triple your storage space! Compress bulky items such as blankets, pillows, bedding, clothing, etc., to one-third their original size, thereby acquiring three-times the amount of storage. The devices and items mentioned above are just a start for getting you organized. They’re available online or at any home improvement or department store. With a little effort and some blocked-out time you’ll find it really is easy to get organized!
Totally useless fact: Kid gloves get their name because they’re made from the hides of young goats.
GET A JOB!
Essential Social Media Tips
for College Students There was a time when social media was basically there for one thing: socializing. Parents didn’t know what a ‘Facebook’ was, nor did they care, and users could post whatever, whenever they wanted, without much regard to the reality waiting outside of their room. Now, between the daily friend request denials of parents and the constant requirement of safeguarding your socially exposed fun, Facebook, as well as most other social media forums, have been tainted. But, as the times change, so must we, and in this struggling job market, the last thing you want is a drunken photo from five years ago preventing you from getting hired. To help prevent this, Social media expert and author of “Job Searching with Social Media For Dummies” Joshua Waldman has shared important tips for college bound and post-graduate students.
Use Mint to Budget Your Expenses So You Don’t Use Credit Cards Ever ask yourself why credit card companies promote their plastic so relentlessly on your campus? It’s because they know many students will use their cards and not pay back the debt for years. Then they can charge you fees and interest, while they fly in their private jets. Stop funding private jets (unless it’s yours)! Use an easy and free budgeting tool to make sure you don’t overspend this semester. Mint.com is a free financial management website that aggregates your bank accounts and credit cards into one place.
Google yourself to See Your Online Reputation
Go ahead. I dare you. Our generation has the unique advantage of being online from an early age. This means you’ve been building an online reputation whether you know it or not. Once your online reputation gets a blemish, it’s rather hard to fix. Use a tool called BrandYourself.com to grade your online reputation and get some free tips for improving it.
Manage Your Schedule with Google Calendar I haven’t used a paper planner in years. I know some people love them. But when you have all of your classes, clubs and meetings in one Google Calendar, your schedule is everywhere you need it to be: on your phone and computer. If your school hasn’t switched to the Google platform, use your Gmail account. Learn how to get organized with Google Calendar here.
Update Your Past Jobs on LinkedIn
When I was looking for work after my MBA program, I’ll never forget one interview question that took me by surprise, “What kind of work did you do when you were an undergrad?” The interviewer said that nothing shows work-ethic more than when a student spends their time earning their own money rather than spending their parent’s money. Record your work experience in your LinkedIn profile.
Get Past Job Recommendations Before Your Boss Forgets Who You Are
Not only will you forget the details of your job as time passes, but your boss will probably forget about how much they liked you. With online job seeking, one of the most powerful elements you bring to the table is what other people think about you. In years past, this used to be a very formal process. You’d have to request a letter of recommendation from your boss. Then they’d ask you to write it and they’d sign it. These days, all you need is a few short paragraphs on your LinkedIn profile.
Totally useless fact: Alaska is so big that you could fit 75 New Jerseys in it.
Use RateMyProfessor. com to Make Sure You Get a Good Class My $100,000 life lesson was that your education is only as good as the professors who teach your classes. And as many of you have probably now learned, if your professor is tired, burnt out or just plain uninspired; your semester will be hell, no matter the college or university. I’ve been to community college classes with the most enthusiastic professors I’d ever seen. I’ve been to Ivy League classes with a washed up professor who could put coffee to sleep. After registering for a class because you think the title is interesting, head on over to RateMyProfessor.com to make sure the professor can deliver, so you don’t suffer another semester of lackluster professsors. campus talk
|
november 2012
13
Biker Club Drama From a cult following to a mainstream ratings hit, Sons of Anarchy, has not only grown in its story but also in its viewers. In the first week of October, CNN reported the cable program had reached No. 1 in the adults 18–49 demographic, toppling even the broadcast stations for its Tuesday night, 10 p.m. time slot. Another major feat for the program came with the fifth season’s premiere episode, hitting a record high of 5.4 million viewers, according to Hollywood Reporter. With its well-developed characters, branches of intertwining story lines, drama, sex and enough chase scenes, shootings and explosions to make Sly Stallone jealous, it’s no surprise SOA has managed to cement its position in the prime time television category. Actress Winter Ave Zoli was first cast as Lyla Winston for only a guest starring role. In season two, the writers brought her back for the long-term. Lyla is a mother, amongst other “professions,” who becomes the love interest of Opie. Winter talks with us about the upcoming season, which is filled with even more, well… anarchy, and her photo shoot with Playboy.
An Interview
Winter
Ave Zoli Interviewed by Lauren Douglass
So tell me about the new season of Sons of Anarchy. Well, it’s a pretty heavy season, in terms of the story lines and the characters. It’s very violent, which I suppose is to be expected. It focuses on Jax hanging over the club and what he needs to do to regain control over where the club has gone. He gets hit with some harsh realities. My character, Lyla, starts off with the separation from her husband, Opie, and then dealing with his death. Basically that pushes her to make some life changes, because now she’s got, not only her son, but Opie’s kids she has to take care of and she just realizes she has to make things better for herself and her family.
It is a hard show to jump into without seeing all of the previous seasons, because there are so many story lines. I would suggest that people check them out online at Hulu before jumping into Season 5.
14
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: The world’s largest rodent is the capybara.
Biker Club Drama Some of the scenes get pretty graphic. I have one scene that’s coming up this season that sort of gave me an idea of what it’s like to shoot one of those scenes. It’s really not so graphic when you’re shooting it, but watching them is hard. Even if I’ve seen the way a scene is shot, it’s hard to watch it on TV - especially watching Opie’s stuff. I had to close my eyes. It is gaining popularity, why do you think it is? I think it was very much like a cult show in the beginning, like just this biker world was into it, and now it’s becoming a little more mainstream. It is so well-written and the story lines are interesting. It is just a good, quality show. It’s very entertaining and very well done. Last year, you posed for Playboy. What was that experience like? I was nervous beforehand, for sure. I had a couple of conversations with people at Playboy and with the photographer about the storyline for the shoot. I just wanted to be reassured that it wouldn’t be cheesy, because I was terrified of doing this Playboy shoot that would look horrific. They had gotten a photographer that was more of a
fashion photographer and it was a woman. So that put me at ease, but I was still nervous for sure. I just didn’t know what to expect. And then once I started shooting, I was just one hundred percent comfortable, and I got really into it and had so much fun. I really had a blast, and everyone was so nice, so that helps too. How many people were on the set during the shoot? Not that many, but probably more than I would’ve expected. Probably about 10–15. Going into it, did you know that there were certain boundaries that you would not cross? Yes – I didn’t want full-frontal nudity… and that was about it [laughs]. So would you do it again? I wouldn’t do a five-page spread again. But I would do something with them again, yeah. So, back to the show a little bit. Do you have an outline of what your character is going to go through this season? I get it when the script comes out about a week in advance.
So you have a great short-term memory then, right? Um, yeah [laughing]. What is it like on the set? It depends – there are a lot of characters and a lot of people involved in the show. People can have bad days or be exhausted. Then there’s days where everyone is joking around, and it’s very light-hearted and fun. It really varies, but overall it’s a very easygoing set to be on, I’d say. It’s really a great group of people. So, it’s a great place to be. What has been your best memory on Sons? It’s gotta be shooting the first episode in Season 2 and just hearing through the grapevine that they were getting excited about doing something with my character. Kurt [Sutter] called me in for a meeting to talk about this idea he had, in creating a romantic relationship between the Lyla and Opie characters. I just remember sitting there thinking, ‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ because it was supposed to be a one-time thing, being a guest star. I got so excited, and that’s gotta be the best memory cause that kinda cemented me in there.
Sons Of Anarchy Slang Dictionary Ape Hangers a.k.a. Apes
High handlebars so that the rider’s hands are at or above their shoulder height. Cage
A terms used to describe an automobile, Truck, Van… basically anything other than a motorcycle. Church
Scheduled club meeting. Crow Eater
A female who hangs around or sleeps with members of SAMCRO. Cut
A prospect or member vest. The term cut refers to the sleeves being “cut” off to make a vest. Hang Around
A Hang Around is a person that has not attained prospect status. A Hang Around is not a representative or member of the club in any way, and neither he or the club has a claim on each other. If something happens to him, the club is not expected to
back him up. A man will generally hang around with the club until he is approached by the club to become a prospect, however becoming a prospect is not guaranteed. Old Lady
Wife or steady girlfriend of a club member. She’s monogamous and has the respect of the other women. There is usually one Queen or the main old lady. For SAMCRO, that queen is Gemma TellerMorrow (Katey Segal). One Percenter
A term rising out of the 1947 Hollister Riot. A motorcycle rally being held in the town of Hollister got out of hand as the town was overrun by more bikers than had been expected. Several MCs took over the town and began drinking heavily and racing in the streets. In the aftermath, the AMA (American Motorcycle Association) is said to have issued a statement that 99
percent of motorcycle riders are law abiding citizens, and that it is the 1 percent of troublemakers that are the problem. This story, however, may be fictional. Many outlaw clubs took this on as their new identity, and the term “One Percenter” was born. Packing Double
Having a girl on the back of your bike. Patch-In
To make someone a member of a club. Patch-Over
When one club takes over another. Rat Bike
A motorcycle that forgoes nice paint and bodywork, only to focus on performance. Typically cobbled together from whatever parts that can be salvaged on the cheap, its ugly appearance and amazing ability to “keep on running” is similar to a common rat, and their extraordinary survival instinct.
Totally useless fact: Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon with his left foot first.
Rubbers
Rich Urban Bikes. Samcro
Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original. Sweetbutt
Club hoochie mama. Another name for a girl who hangs out with the club and is always available for sex. The Reaper
Refers to the SOA logo: a grim reaper skull holding a crystal ball with an anarchist “A” in one hand, and an M-16 scythe in the other. T-Bars
The style of handlebars used by many of the SOA club members. Unholy Ones
Like many biker patches, the real meaning of this one is debated. Some say it means that the wearer has killed for the club; others say that it is in reference to the term “One Percenter” which denotes an outlaw biker.
campus talk
|
november 2012
15
any excuse to party!
A Time for By Daniel Sutphin
Celebration? Many things can lose their luster when had in excess; celebration is easily one of them. Granted, it is nice and polite to honor certain awareness initiatives and holidays, but it’s also easy to become jaded to such revelry when every other month is held in honor of yet another cause. Much of the time, the focus of such “honors” is something that most of us experience on a regular basis. Why does it need a whole month of recognition? Many of these month-long celebrations are simply ridiculous and most likely the result of some corporation’s attempt to spark revenue. For an example, let’s consider National Pizza Month. Really? We need an entire month to pay tribute to pizza? According to data from the National Association of Pizzeria Operators (NAPO), Americans consume a staggering 100 acres of pizza a day. NAPO also reported that 3 billion pizzas are sold in the U.S. each year.
16
campus talk
|
november 2012
To break it down even further, NAPO found that 350 slices of pizza are sold every second. Each year, the pizza industry pulls in $30 billion. Considering this account, do we really need a month to honor our country’s bastardized adaptation of Italian gastronomy? Leave us not forget the gluttonous creation of hot dog stuffed-crust pizza, which surprisingly was a Pizza Hut UK creation and not some freakish American “culinary innovation”. The month of October alone played host to more than 20 month-long celebrations with Breast Cancer Awareness being the only one that was purposeful. October was also cited as being Vegetarian Awareness Month and, I would guess as a result of this designation, National Sausage Month. Vegetarianism and the regular consumption of sausage are both a choice of lifestyle. We’re celebrating people’s lifestyle choices and eating habits now? Such celebrations are basically the equivalent of someone choosing to eat dung and declaring a particular month to commemorate their personal habits. This is getting out of hand! How about a month to commemorate murder? If someone’s personal habit is to nonchalantly slay their neighbors, shouldn’t that then be added to the dais of potential month-long celebrations? Based on such thinking, or the lack there of, behind some of these monthly designations, a month-long of murder merriment doesn’t seem too far-fetched.
The month of October was celebrated as:
• World Hunger Action Month • Vegetarian Awareness Month • National Sausage Month • National Seafood Month • Breast Cancer Awareness Month • Fire Safety Month • Fair Trade Month • Computer Learning Month • National Go on a Field Trip Month • National Roller Skating Month • Consider rolling with your family this month. • International Dinosaurs Month • National Dessert Month • Clergy Appreciation Month • Clock Month • Popcorn Poppin’ Month • Hunger Awareness Month • National Pizza Month • National Caramel Month • Cookbook Month • National Substance Abuse Prevention Month
And in November:
• Aviation History Month • Adopt-a-Senior Pet Month • Family Stories Month • Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month • American Diabetes Month • Diabetic Eye Disease Month • Epilepsy Awareness Month • Lung Cancer Awareness Month • National Adoption Month • National AIDS Awareness Month • National Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month • National American Indian Heritage Month • National Family Caregivers Month • National Inspirational Role Models Month • National Life Writing Month • National Pet Cancer Awareness Month • National Scholarship Month • Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month • Prematurity Awareness Month Although November does hold tribute to some important awareness initiatives, the thought remains the same. By holding so many of these celebrations for such insignificant reasons, we drive ourselves headlong into delusions of self-importance and grandeur. Let’s have a month dedicated to not celebrating anything, merely existing as people do on a regular, day-to-day basis: mundane and uninhibited. It’s the American way!
Totally useless fact: While most of it lies in Africa, a small part of Egypt is located in Asia, as well.
FEEL THE BURN BRO!
Workout Faux Pas By Kevin Kage
How to Look Like a Tool at the Gym All too often I hear, “I need to get in shape before I join a gym,” and, “I want to bulk up and get lean.” These statements don’t make any sense. It also doesn’t make sense to fight over the closest parking space and then walk the treadmill 5 minutes later. It should also be noted that when attending a gym, it’s not good to creep out the ladies. Walking up to random girls and asking if they need a spot is synonymous with hitting on them.
I’ve been to more gyms in one month than some attend in there lifetime. In my experiences, I’ve noticed many workout faux pas, which is defined as a violation of accepted social norms. Not adhering to such social norms can land you with a label of another term: a “tool.” Here are some ways in which you can earn this label while “working out” at the gym. Girls in spandex are cool as long as they don’t weigh more than I do. The same goes with pants that say “juicy” on the back. If you’re going to wear spandex nearly too tight to fit and then do dead lifts in the free weight room in front of all the guys, don’t go home and complain that the gym is a “meat market” and that all the men do is stare at your assets. I was dating a gym manager back in 2010. There was always grunting at the gym, but it was significantly louder when she would be working. I didn’t even notice it until she pointed it out. During non-peak hours,
sounds from any part the gym are far more audible. The manager pointed out that the guys would grunt really loud every time she walked by them. I said, “Prove it.” Sure enough, she walked upstairs toward an area near the bench press, and, right on cue, I heard grunting. It sounded like wild animal sex. By the way, it’s obvious that your starving for attention when you have to yell obscenities to yourself before you max out on the bench press. For your information, the squat rack should be used for squats, not bicep curls on an Olympic bar. Will Ferrell (Anchorman) is the only man alive who can do 1,005 curls, so stop counting. People who juice (take steroids) for spring break are the best of the best kind of douches. You might be ripped for the season but eventually your skin will sag and your barbed wire armband will turn into a picket fence. Your hot girlfriend will leave with half your stuff and you’ll most likely have a heart attack at 35. Also, that “Tapout” shirt isn’t
Gym dont’s • Wearing a back belt while doing seated calf raises
• Knee-high socks: it’s not a fashion statement nor a soccer match
• Magnetic wrist bands: there is no • Using the bench magic to exercising as a seat and then texting 8 hours • Putting on makeup between sets • Wearing graphic • Giving advice on tee’s like it’s a form to everyone night club although you • Head bands • Flexing in the mirror after every set • Gelling your hair
can’t lift five pounds yourself
• Taking photos of every meal and uploading to face book
Totally useless fact: Only one U.S. state has a state flag with a green background: Washington
Gym slang Roid Monkey Skin really red, scream every set, shirt too tight Fake fighter Guy who wears hoodie and wears handwraps during workout
Meat maiden A girl that goes to gym and flirts with all the big guys (submitted by swolescience.com) Swole State of being very muscular
Gym clubbers Cologne, dressed nicely, hair spiked, not an ounce of sweat, and sipping on N.O. Explode Cadillac like cocktails while A 45-pound weight hitting on girls. Campers People that sit on the machine too long without using it
helping. You may watch UFC, but don’t think you would be good at it because you occasionally hit the heavy bag in the aerobics room only to gas out in the first 5 minutes. Frat guys are their own breed of gym goers. You will see five or more guys working out together in neon tank tops. Sometimes wearing boat shoes or sandals. They throw non-stop compliments toward each other in awkward ways. It starts out with, “No homo, but your…” Most of the time spent during their workout is lying about how many girls they hooked up with instead of lifting. Occasionally one of their girlfriends will be hanging around in the tightest and brightest clothes and just stretching for 30 minutes. And last but not least, the talkers. If you keep running into that person who just comes to talk, bring an iPod. Keep it on while in the restroom. This helps to avoid the most awkward of the talkers: the old men in the locker room who walk around naked and try to start conversations on politics, work and other things that have nothing to do with the gym. Kevin Kage is a certified personal trainer and a teacher of mixed martial arts at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He also works at Complete Nutrition and writes fitness articles for Swolescience.com. For more of Kevin Kage see youtube channel kevinkagemma and visit swolescience.com campus talk
|
november 2012
17
frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Dear Frank,
I’m going to come out of the closet to my best friend when I go home for Thanksgiving. I’m pretty sure she’ll be cool with it, but I just want to know how to break it to her. Naomi Um… she’s your best friend and you came out to ME first? I really don’t think you should wait three weeks. Get on the phone and do it now. And for god’s sake at least act like it was something you just figured out this morning. Seriously, she’s your BEST friend? FRANK FACT: Frank came out as a communist his sophomore year. Stuff like that really pissed parents off back then.
Hey Frank,
My roommate wouldn’t chip in money to buy more lightbulbs. I know technically it’s my apartment, my name is on the lease and she’s subletting, but come on, we both use the lights evenly. When they burn out we should totally share the burden of cost right? Shannon Um, yeah, I guess she should share the burden of cost, but how many lightbulbs do you girls go through? FRANK FACT: The answer is TWO. One taxi driver to screw it in and one to shout at him for stealing his fare.
Frankaaay!
What is it about couch sex that is sooo fun and awesome? Christian I don’t know, probably the complete inability to find a position that is comfortable for either of you or that neverending suspense of wondering whether or not their roommate has crabs. FRANK THOUGHT: The pull-out couch. Now there’s a fornication surface with a spring problem.
Hi Frank,
Somebody told me you became a vegetarian after your accident to help you stay healthier and reduce stress. I’m curious how you made the transition. Luke I less became a vegetarian and more had to be fed through a straw for six weeks. Believe me, I had a steak the instant I got out. For you though, I’d stay stick to pastas at first. They’re hard to screw up and you’ll keep getting protein or some crap. FRANK FACT: Frank does date vegetarians. But you’re allowed exactly one speech and that is it.
Sup Frank,
When are you gonna finally fix that spring poking out your back seat? Wes When you and your Saturday night cohorts stop fornicating on it. The seat, not the spring. Good god I hope not the spring! FRANK WARNING: He only gets that seat surface clean.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
18
campus talk
|
november 2012
myc am
pustal
k .co m
Totally useless fact: All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like to be seen wearing them in public.
CHARTED
WHAT GUYS WOULD DO IF TURNED INTO A GIRL FOR A DAY
THINGS I LIKE ABOUT UNIVERSITY
FREEDOM EXPLORE THE WORLD FROM A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW
SLEEPING LATE
CALLING MY TEACHERS “PROFESSOR” MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M AT HOGWARTS
NO DETENTIONS
STARE AT AND PLAY WITH THEIR BOOBS
You’ve worked hard for your Diploma…. Let us help you share your success with a unique Logo Mat Custom Frame! Specializing in the University of Florida, we also offer hand carved logo-mats for any university, corporation or special event.
Bring In your diploma now or pre-order your custom frame for when you graduate and receive this special offer...
99
$
00
OFF
The Custom Framing of ANY Diploma or Certificate!!! This coupon must be presented at time of purchase. May not be combined with other promotions. Offer expires 11/30/12 Located on the UF campus in the Reitz Union next to the Orange & Brew.
(352) 376-0077 www.GatorsOnly.com
Totally useless fact: Early basketball rules called for a jump ball to occur after the scoring of each field goal.
campus talk
|
november 2012
19
frank! Dear Frank,
I’m a junior in college and still have acne like a 13 year old. It’s really embarrassing and I’m pretty sure it’s affecting my love life… my NON-EXISTENT love life that is. I’ve tried every medicine and cream there is. I think I’m just kind of stuck with this. Any thoughts on how to make this situation more livable? Julie I could probably give you some BS line about letting your inner beauty shine through but we all know that doesn’t get people making out with you. Though to be fair, any guy who would let a few (or even a few more) zits get in the way of dating somebody who is otherwise awesome is a tool, plain and simple. Your job is to make sure the rest of you really is awesome. Hit the gym girlfriend… am I too old to get away with that? Either way, a slammin figure will trump a throbbing whitehead any day of the week. FRANK THOUGHT: It’s really a shame what the erotica genre has done to the word “throbbing”.
Hi Frank,
Okay so my boyfriend hates using condoms (big shocker). He swears he can pull out in time to not get me pregnant. I’m still worried though. It seems like a really risky, bad idea. What do you think? Hannah Ah the old “I’ll pull out first” line. I remember using that on many a lady. Of course it didn’t matter back then because every girl was on The Pill. Of course these days with all those other icky things lurking around penises and vaginas, pregnancy really isn’t your only worry. But hey, if you two are tested and clean and ONLY schtupping each other, go get yourself some of that Pill I was talking about and let him pull out (or stay in) to his heart’s content. Fair warning though, and this should be obvious, but without condoms, cleanup is on YOU now. So to speak. FRANK FACT: Frank always preferred condoms. Sex always lasts at least five minutes with them.
Frank,
I have this very deep voice for a girl which a lot of my friends say is really sexy. They joke that I should join one of those phone sex companies. I’m thinking of doing it. Any advice, you pervy old perv? ;) Stacie They still HAVE phone sex lines? I guess I kind of assumed that with the internet and webcams people got tired of imagining what some fat sultry sounding chick on the phone really looks like. But hey, who am I to judge. My advice, like any man you’re trying to get something out of, just sound REALLY interested in whatever the hell it is he’s talking about or fantasizing on. We’re really quite simple creatures. FRANK FACT: Frank called one of those numbers once. He’s pretty sure he got his Aunt Peggy.
Frank,
If brunch is between breakfast and lunch, what comes between lunch and dinner. Inquiring minds want to know. Smithie No no no. Listen here. DINNER is actually the meal you’re referring to. It’s the one that comes between lunch and SUPPER. FRANK FACT: Whenever somebody says, “Sup Frank,” he likes to imagine it’s an imperative sentence and they’re ordering him to eat.
Hola Frank,
I want a cat, but they’re illegal in the dorm. How can I sneak one into my room? Marcy Order Chinese food? FRANK FACT: Frank took the easy way out with a stereotypical commentary on Chinese culture. He really doesn’t feel good about it or himself.
k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal myc am fran
Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 20
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: One of the first known contraceptives was crocodile dung that was used by Egyptians.
hahaha
Remember to
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. “Well,” the guy says, “I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years.” The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!”
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. “Hey bartender,” said the engineer, “I’ll have a beer. And pour another one for my friend down at the end there.” The bartender responded, “I’m sorry sir, but that guy’s a commie and we don’t serve his kind around here.” “Well, you’d better. Because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here. You remember that mine that caved in? Well, I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer. And if you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head and you’ll see that it’s flat from holding the roof up.”
“But you only ordered two drinks!”
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the engineer: “I saw the flat spot on his head, but I also couldn’t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?”
“Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking.”
The engineer said, “Oh...that’s where we put the jack.”
The bartender asks, “So which one died?” “No one.”
Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
campus talk
|
november 2012
21
men are from mars
No Sex Tonight I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!” So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man”. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier”. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it”. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?”. I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”. Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
22
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: The Michelin Man is named Bibendum, but close friends call him “Bib.”
We can help you find your way to your next apartment…
WWW.COLLEGERENTALS.COM
we figured it out
Life Explained On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed. On the second day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.” So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again. On the forth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.” So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained.
24
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: The first American cheerleaders were a bunch of guys at Princeton in the 1880’s.
play with yourself
R E B M E V O N
GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class. campus talk
|
rs are answe page 79 on
november 2012
25
play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father’s Day
you sooooo cheated
R E B M E NOV
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank? Totally useless fact: Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
campus talk
|
november 2012
27
tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!
Fall Events in Gainesville Nov. 2: Free Friday Concert Series Downtown Nov. 2: First Friday Downtown Nov. 3: Paynes Prairie 5k Run Nov. 6: University Choir Concert Nov. 9: UF Homecoming Parade Nov. 9: Gator Growl - United We Growl Nov. 9: Free Friday Concert Series Downtown Nov. 23: A Tuna Christmas Opens at The Hippodrome (Through Dec. 23) Nov. 24: Morningside Nature Center Cane Boil Nov. 25: A Christmas Carol Opens at The Hippodrome (Through Dec. 22) Nov. 30: November Artwalk Dec. 1: Cane Grinding at Dudley Farm Dec. 1: Overnight Hike at Paynes Prairie Dec. 7: First Friday Downtown Dec. 14-16: The Nutcracker at the Phillips Center
Get Out And
About!
Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts, and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website. VisitGainesville.com 352.374.5260 28
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Michelangelo died in 1564, the same year Shakespeare was born.
CAMPUS
1702 W. University Ave 352.692.4400
www.pitapit2go.com
Catering?
WE DO IT!
10%
OFF
NEXT COOK-ON-SITE CATERING 30-PERSON MINIMUM EXP 01-15-13
DOWNTOWN 201 SE 2nd Ave 352.225.3539
www.relish2go.com
Totally useless fact: George Washington was a Freemason.
campus talk
|
november 2012
29
Friends don’t let friends spill drinks. Drinkers Against Wasting Product
MAKE THAT MONEY WORK FOR YOU
Managing Your Money Sit down, write out a budget and stick to it. That’s the most important thing you can do if you want to be successful with your finances.
What about building credit for when you need to go buy a car or when you need to purchase a home? Do you think that you should wait to deal with that until after college? I do because you should be able to build credit when you have student loans. Also, a good mortgage company or a car loan might also be willing to look into the fact that you paid your rent on time when you were in college. There’s more ways than just having a credit card to build your credit. If you really want to build your credit by having a credit card, you just need to limit it to one card, make sure you pay your balance off each month, keep the balance low and look for a low interest rate.
Interview with About.com’s Miriam Caldwell How do you start developing a budget? The first thing you need to do for your budget is to look at your income and list all of your expenses for the month. The things that you look at first are your set expenses and your needs – housing, electricity and your car payment if you have one – the basic things that you need to survive. That doesn’t include, however, your television bill or other nice things you want to spend money on but are not necessary for you to be able to keep living. Then you list your wants and your luxury items that you would like to be able to spend money on like the gym or a clothing allowance. Those things are more flexible. Once you have your set expenses, you look at your flexible expenses and decide how much you want to spend on each of them. Once you make those lists, you just have to make sure that you don’t have more budgeted than your income. You should also make sure that you are putting some of your money in savings if possible. In college, that’s a little bit more difficult if you’re just working a part time job and barely making ends meet, but you just have to make sure you don’t go into the negative at all. Do you think that credit cards are necessary to have during college? I don’t think that they’re necessary to have during college. I know that the law’s changed, so you can’t get one without a co-signer until you’re 21 in most cases. The only time when you really need them is when you are renting a car or getting a hotel room, but you can often use a debit card instead. If you want a credit card, I would recommend only having one in case of emergencies to have on hand. But then I don’t think that’s really necessary. You’re not going to get the greatest interest rate on the card, and so it’s just another bill you will have to take care of when you graduate. If you can avoid them, I would. Totally useless fact: Ironically, the only member of ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.
Miriam Caldwell has been the About.com guide for Money In Your Twenties for since 2007. She writes information for people that are starting out on their own financially. You can see her advice at About.com.
campus talk
|
november 2012
31
GET COOKIN’ By Daniel Sutphin
Yummy Recipes
FROM Nisa Burns’ Kitchenability 101 Excerpted from Kitchenability 101: The College Student’s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food by Nisa Burns (on sale October 2012). Find Nisa online at: www.Kitchenability.com.
It’s no surprise most students come to college without much experience in kitchen. Thanks to student meal plans, pizza delivery, ramen noodles and a flourishing market of restaurants, diners, bars and fast food joints to choose from, the average student is fairly safe from having to know much in the cooking department. However, as society continues to lean more and more to the healthy side of consumption, a cheaper and far-less taxing venture would be that of learning how to cook, instead of relying on the same old factory-fashioned meals. Since freshman year doesn’t come with an intro to culinary arts, students can turn to outside sources. That’s where Nisa Burns, a spunky young chef and Internet sensation, comes into play. A culinary graduate of the Art Institute of Virginia Beach, Burns’ straightforward, healthy recipes have gained fans on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube nationwide. With a mission to show college students how to become best friends with their kitchens in order to feed themselves for life, Burns has released a new book detailing a process she calls becoming “Kitchen-able.” In the book, Kitchenability 101: The College Student¹s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food, she shows students healthy, accessible alternatives to the cafeteria or drive-thru lane. Not only does Kitchenability 101 teach readers that it is just as simple to make an Avocado Lettuce Wrap as it is to heat up a processed TV dinner, but it also provides shopping plans, supply lists, budgeting tips, skills and recipes for cooking in college spaces including dorm rooms, apartments and houses. 32
campus talk
|
november 2012
Nutella French Toast • Makes two servings • Apartment friendly Sometimes you want something that will get you out of bed and wake up your taste buds. Nutella is a chocolate hazelnut spread that screams flavor. I first had Nutella in Paris when I was eight. My sister was five years old at the time and she refused to eat French food because it was so unfamiliar. My mom hunted for peanut butter, but we couldn’t find it. But we did find Nutella! We both absolutely fell in love with its creamy, nutty, chocolaty taste. I still have a soft spot for Nutella. It’s not always for breakfast – I also make this recipe after a night on the town. What You Need • 2 tbsp Nutella (add more if you want) • 4 slices bread • 2 bananas • 3 eggs • 1 cup chocolate milk • ½ tsp vanilla
• ½ tsp cinnamon • 1 tbsp butter or cooking oil spray • 1 tbsp whipped cream (optional) • Syrup (optional)
What You Do • S pread the Nutella on one side of each slice of bread. • S lice the bananas into ¼ -inch rounds. Place the banana slices on the Nutella on two slices of bread. Place the other slices of bread, Nutella-side-down, on top of them, creating a sandwich. •M ix the eggs, chocolate milk, vanilla, and cinnamon in a bowl. Whisk them all together until everything is mixed. •P lace butter or cooking oil spray in a frying pan over medium-low heat. •D ip both sandwiches in the mixture, coating both sides and soaking the bread. •P ick up one corner of each sandwich with tongs or your fingers and let the excess mixture drip into the bowl. • Place the sandwiches in the hot pan. •C ook for 2 to 3 minutes on each side, until they are golden brown and slightly crispy. • Top the French toast with more banana slices, avdd the whipped cream, if desired, and pass the syrup.
Totally useless fact: The tip of a fencing weapon is the second fastest moving object in the Olympics. The fastest is a bullet.
GET COOKIN’
Nutty Mix • Makes about two servings • Dorm & apartment friendly My first semester in college, I had a math class during lunchtime, so our instructor let us eat during class. Many people in my class were eating burgers and fries, chips, and sodas – and then looking very drowsy and bloated about 15 minutes later. I would always pack homemade trail mix, which I like because it’s compact, easy to eat, and filling.
What You Need • 4 tbsp roasted almonds • 4 tbsp roasted peanuts • 4 tbsp chocolate chips • 4 tbsp dried cranberries
What You Do Mix all the ingredients in a bowl or plastic bag.
Be sure to pick up your copy of Kitchenability 101: The College Student’s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food for other great recipes. Totally useless fact: Schizophrenia used to be treated by kidney dialysis.
SIGN A LEASE TODAY AND PAY NOTHING FOR THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER! HURRY! THE SOONER YOU SIGN A LEASE, THE MORE MONEY QGM K9N= HDMK$ O= DD =N=F O9AN= YOUR SERVICE FEE AT SIGNING!
Stop by and Tour an Apartment Today!
www.CampusLodgeGainesville.com 352.367.2800 | 2800 SW WIlliston Road| Gainesville, FL 32608
campus talk
|
november 2012
33
GET OFF THE STAGE! Why are women so attracted to performers? They’re no better looking than any other guy on the street, but as soon as they take to the stage or airwaves, they suddenly become unspeakably sexy. Everybody wants them, so how can you get them? Here are the keys to landing yourself one of those charismatic stage hounds. Here, also, are surefire ways to end the whole thing once you get sick of them – because believe me, once you get them out of the spotlight, you’ll realize these people are no less lame than anyone else you’ve ever dated.
2 W HO RE A ges n Hod By Bria
SCO
or f Per
i t r A
34
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: You can tell a turtle’s sex by its sound-males grunt, females hiss.
GET OFF THE STAGE!
ACTOR His Psyche: His whole identity is based around pretending to be someone else. This guy assumes real life melodrama is supposed to mimic all those prepackaged scenarios you see in the movies. He’ll be laughing one minute and storming off in a huff the next. The good news is he thinks romance is supposed to be just like the movies as well, and he will go out of his way to get a good review. How to Get Him: Play a role of your own, preferably a scandalous one. Great characters are driven by conflict, after all, and he will mistake your artificial menace as his “inciting incident,” which will propel him ever forward toward the (ahem) “climax.”
ce n a m or
t s i
MUSICIAN
His Psyche: He cleans pools by day and performs local dives at night for what essentially amounts to free drinks. He loves the music and has high hopes that his band will one day hit it big, but for now, he’ll settle for the fact that everyone in this bar wants to get him in bed. How to Get Him: Keep staring at his instrument… and that’s not innuendo you silly girl. Seriously, just watch how he plays, occasionally locking eyes and giving him a look that says you dig his, you know, finger work. How to Lose Him: Keep telling him to cut his hair and get a real job.
How to Lose Him: When his bi-polar blurring of fact and fiction finally starts resembling a David Fincher plot, go to one of his plays, sit in the front row and complete your “denouement” by falling conspicuously asleep.
COMEDIAN His Psyche: Despite all outward appearances, this is not a happy-go-lucky fella who finds silliness in any situation. He’s actually a bitter person who has become exceptionally good at using humor as a defense mechanism.
DISC JOCKEY His Psyche: There’s a reason he got into radio and not television. He may claim it has something to do with the “purity of the medium,” but really it’s because he knows his voice is more attractive than any of his physical features. How to Get Him: He’s been hearing, “You have such a sexy voice,” his entire life. He’s sick of it. He wants someone to reassure him that he has a butt and a six-pack to match it. When in doubt, lie. How to Lose Him: Encourage him to listen to several episodes of Rush Limbaugh for inspiration.
MAGICIAN His Psyche: There are two types of magicians. Type A performs traditional sleight-of-hand at kiddie parties. Type B doesn’t do magic so much as strut around on stage amongst smoke, neon lights and pulsating trance music while occasionally making things disappear. Type A is desperately trying to justify the childish way he makes his living. Type B is classically gay.
How to Get Him: As a good rule of thumb, always assume that the funnier a comedian is, the lower his self-esteem. Any comic who leaves the audience doubled over and gasping for air is such a mess in his personal life that he’d go home with a mic stand if it showed interest.
How to Get Him: Pull your phone number from behind Magician A’s ear. Sounds totally lame, until you realize that the only physical contact he generally gets is when a spoiled ten-year-old high on cake punches him in the nuts. For Magician B, become a dude… or a large exotic jungle cat.
How to Lose Him: Undermine his comedic abilities by asking, “What’s that from?” every time he says something amusing.
How to Lose Him: Keep badgering them to teach you their tricks. When they finally cave, sell their secrets on eBay and dump them.
Totally useless fact: Polar bears are the only mammals with hair on the soles of their feet.
campus talk
|
november 2012
35
damnyouautocorrect.com
LIVE CLOSE. LIVE COLLEGE.
Y PL AP AY D TO
apply today @ royal village.com
€xšn i€…j ‘ s Â?…‚ ja‚Â?• ‘ i€…j ‘ s Â?…‚ ‘…Â?Â…Â?x” Â? Â?…› Æ •Â?v Â?a l nl Â?n‘…Â?” ‘” Â?€n a‚ nƒx”xn‘ Æ xƒlxšxl•a€ €na ‘n‘ PÂ…Â?a€Yx€€avn j…‚ Æ " Æ ! QZ /nÂ?…” $šn ž #
38
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: The first fax machine was invented over 25 years before the telephone.
damnyouautocorrect.com
Totally useless fact: Hallmark sells a line of “encouragement” cards you can send to people who’ve lost their job.
campus talk
|
november 2012
39
CHARTED
WHAT I CARE ABOUT THESE DAYS
WHAT I THINK AFTER SEEING A ROMANTIC MOVIE I WISH THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME
HOW SWEET THEY FOUND EACH OTHER
NOTHING
I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE
WHAT A CROCK OF BULL
WHAT I DO WHEN I FINISH A TEST CHECK MY WORK
MEN I FIND ATTRACTIVE
MEN I KNOW TURN IT IN
ACTORS TWICE MY AGE WHO LIVE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO TURN IT IN FIRST
40
campus talk
|
november 2012 Totally useless fact: Actor Burt Reynolds and ESPN analyst Lee Corso were roommates and football teammates at Florida State.
one line wisdom!
Scheck-isms by john scheck
“Women and children first!” I came up with that during a ship sinking when I was 11. Smart thinking for a kid, but that bit of insurance expired for me a long time ago. I’ve been trying frantically to come up with a pithy new saying that will assure me a seat in a lifeboat.
Totally useless fact: John Lloyd Wright, son of architect Frank Lloyd Wright, invented Lincoln Logs, the popular toy.
campus talk
|
november 2012
41
SOMETHING FOR YOUR UGLY MUG!
Funny
Drink Coasters
Not that you’re a stickler for neatness – especially judging from the heaping pile of semester-old pizza boxes in the corner of your kitchen – but sometimes you get irritated when your dumbass friends throw their bottles all over your glass table, leaving more smudges and streaks than your shirt after all-you-can-eat ribs night at the local barbecue joint. Don’t worry, CT’s got you covered… again. These handy (and hilarious) coasters should help keep your inner-Martha Stewart in check for a little while.
Q: How do you know if a female bartender is pissed off at you?
A: There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
DRUNK-O-METER When the chick’s hot, you’ve had enough to drink!
Warning Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
42
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Nebraska is the only state in the union that has a unicameral legislature.
SOMETHING FOR YOUR UGLY MUG!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This coaster is for ___________’ s beer ONLY!
If this bar is a meat market,
you must be the prime rib!
I only drink when I smoke. Totally useless fact: Ted Turner won the America’s Cup in 1977 as captain of the “Courageous”.
campus talk
|
november 2012
43
CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2012
Street Corner Activist
R
egardless of opinion and fact, you proudly take it upon yourself to barf your beliefs onto every single passerby. All the while knowing that, in no way, will you ever effect or change a person’s opinion on a particular issue, you hold hope and muster the drive to still find the need to get out there and block the sidewalks with your quirky expressions and your flashy signs distracting people who obviously have far more important things to do.
presented by signed date
Totally useless fact: The gestation period of some species of opossum is less than two weeks.
campus talk
|
november 2012
45
hot stuff!
Beauty By Emily Alter
Time Now is the time to get ready for some November fun! Just because the semester is dragging doesn’t mean you have to! These products will have you wanting to get ready in the morning to face the day. From soaps to glosses we cover your beauty needs right here!
Vitabath Fruit Fanatic Moisturizing Body Wash in Grapefruit Vanilla with Grapefruit Fruit Extract.
Pour on the sweet scented ripe grapefruit vanilla body wash for the perfect clean with vitamins for nourishment. Smells so good, you’ll have to fight the urge to eat it! $7.99 myvitabath.com
China Glaze New Bohemian in Unpredictable
The light will illuminate this shade’s shine in a multidimensional gorgeous green. $7 chinaglaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
China Glaze New Bohemian in Rare and Radiant The lustrous gold needs no other description than its name: rare and radiant. $7 chinaglaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
Heritage Soaps Avocado and Olive Oil Lather up in this rich blend of avocado and olive oils to soothe and cleanse. This gentle soap will enrich your skin! $10 crabtree-evelyn.com Vitabath Plus for Dry Skin Exfoliating Sugar Scrub Changing seasons got your skin feeling rough and dry? Fear no more, with this nourishing sugar scrub! Exfoliating sugar and ultra moisturizers transform your dry skin to super soft. $18 myvitabath.com 46
campus talk
|
november 2012
Hard Candy Eyeshadow in Single and Loving It Catch his eye with this glamorous eye shadow! The subtle shimmer is perfect for everyday to a night out on the town! $3 Walmart stores and Walmart.com
Hard Candy Megawatt Smile Lipstick in Superficial Pucker up with this fun raspberry shade of lipstick with mega-style. $6 Walmart stores and Walmart.com
Hard Candy The Perfect CoverUp Skin Clarifying Concealer
Look no further for the perfect cover up. The name of this concealer says it all! This blending shade will have your face looking fresh and clear. $6 Walmart stores
Totally useless fact: Hawaiian Punch was originally developed in 1934 as a tropical flavored ice cream topping.
hot stuff!
Juice Organics Brightening Conditioner
Your hair will drink up this rich conditioner to brighten and give you voluminous hair. Use after the Brightening Shampoo to have gorgeous locks! $9 juicebeauty.com
Juice Organics Brightening Shampoo
What can be better than the sweet smell of citrus in a shampoo? In addition to the energizing scent, the organic and ingredients of this brightening shampoo will really make your hair shine. $9 juicebeauty.com
Totally useless fact: Approximately one quarter of the United States’ homeless population are war veterans.
campus talk
|
november 2012
47
WHO’S THE BOOB? YOU OR THE TUBE?
What You’re Really Watching During An NFL Game Conventional wisdom would have you believe that watching an NFL game on TV entails, you know, watching an NFL game on TV. But alas, super-smart scientists holed up in a windowless building in some third-world country have concocted this inconclusive, unflappable study that disproves that theory altogether. Get ready to have your mind blown by the truth!
Beer commercials Truck commercials
H uddles, timeouts and other times when players are just standing around talking Replay of last play
48
campus talk
|
november 2012
A nnouncers drawing on replay of last play S hots of face-painted fans holding signs that use the broadcasting station’s initials as an acronym
R eferee explaining why blocking penalty that occurred on the other side of the field negated the previous thrilling play
O fficials spending five minutes watching replay from 45 different angles before announcing that “The ruling on the field stands.”
Injured guy being tended to
Actual football action
Totally useless fact: In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!
FLU SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
EVERYBODY!
shcc.ufl.edu
ȱǭȱ Ĵ DZȱ
Seasonal influenza vaccine provides the best protection available from seasonal flu.
SAVE YOURSELF THE HEADACHE. GET YOUR FREE* FLU SHOT AT UF STUDENT HEALTH TODAY! *Free flu shots (intramuscular injection only) available to current UF students with valid UF ID. Visit http://shcc.ufl.edu for more information.
RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
Some months hav #1 e 30 days, some mo nths have 31 days; how many have 2 8?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
#5
What goes up and down without moving? #2
#3
1) They all do. 2) An onion. 3) I-T. 4) A towel. 5) Stairs.
skin y m f pital of a f c e o h T e k a T ry, c t ’ n o ord. w g n lo a –Iw is y e k ! r u T will u o y t bu I? spell it? m u o y a n a C t a h W 50
campus talk
|
november 2012
#4
The more it drie s, the wetter it gets. What is it ?
Totally useless fact: The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
HAHAHA
Remember to
An elementary school teacher decides to poll the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment.
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.” “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” said the doctor. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet’ em sometime, Doc!”
“How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?“ About 25% of the class raises their hands. Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. “I will tell you why … I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”
Totally useless fact: When cranberries are ripe, they bounce like a rubber ball.
“How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent?” About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, “How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?”
A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store and asks, “Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?” He pronounces it “jal-luh-pen-no”, not “hah-lahpaen-yo”. The cashier says, “Sir, that’s not what those peppers are called.” The man replies, “Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce it the way I please.” The cashier responds, “That may be, sir, but those are green bell peppers.”
campus talk
|
november 2012
51
MUSIC REVIEWS By Daniel Sutphin
Tune In. Turn On. Plug In.
Ben Folds Five The Sound of Life in the Mind Despite over a decade apart, quirky alt-rockers, Ben Folds Five returns with a fresh take on their piano-driven sound and unique sense of humor with their latest album “The Sound of Life in the Mind.” Although standouts such as “Erase Me”, “Thank You For Breaking My Heart” and the single “Draw A Crowd”, definitely grab listeners by the ears, the entire album can be appreciated when listening to it in full. 52
campus talk
|
november 2012
Band of Horses Mirage Rock With a stripped-down, “earthy” production and vocal arrangements harkening back to that of classic groups like Crosby, Stills and Nash and America, Band of Horses “Mirage Rock” combines a clean, straightforward folk styling with sudden, but well-placed bursts of heavy guitars and driving drums. The combination delivers throughout the album, but is especially pleasing on tracks, “Knock Knock”, “Dumpster World” and “Feud”.
Two Door Cinema Club Beacon Two Door Cinema Club picks up where they left off with their new album, “Beacon”. The electropop/ alternative band combines a well-balanced use of delay, driving bass and drums for an airy, but moving musical force; similar to the sound of their first album “Tourist History”. They really drive their sound home with tracks “Handshake”, “Sun”, “Someday” and “Pyramid”.
The Vaccines Come of Age Best embodied by the album title, “Come of Age”, this Brit-Pop group kicks off with driving guitars and rhythm in the track, “No Hope”. The fuzz guitars are overlaid with loose, almost lazy (in a good way) vocals, best represented with the line, “I don’t really care about anybody else when I haven’t got my own life figured out.” The album strides on with a cocky, solid blend of straightforward fuzz rock. Standouts include: “Teenage Icon”, “Ghost Town” and “Bad Mood”.
Oberhofer Time Capsules II Helmed by veteran producer Steve Lillywhite (U2, Morrissey), Oberhoffer’s new album, “Time Capsules II” brings together a spectrum of sounds from your basic guitar, bass and drums to xylophones, strings and glockenspiel. Although some of the tracks overreach at times with melody and vocals sitting too high in the mix, the album, as a whole delivers a solid wall of sound, as well as a foundation for growth for the band’s 21-year-old namesake, Bradley Oberhofer. Standouts include “Heart”, “Cruisin’ FDR” and “Haus”.
Totally useless fact: The 50 tallest mountains on Earth are all located in Asia.
Totally useless fact: Mock turtle soup does not actually contain turtle. Its main ingredient is an entire cow’s head.
campus talk
|
november 2012
53
game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Halo 4 Xbox 360 Kicking off a new trilogy to the Halo series, Master Chief returns five years after the story in Halo 3. The adventure embarks on a new direction with Master Chief confronting his destiny, forcing him to face an ancient evil that is threatening the universe. Halo 4 launches a new multiplayer option, Halo Infinity Multiplayer. The UNSC Infinity serves as the hub for this multiplayer experience, allowing players to customize their soldier and develop their multiplayer career throughout all Halo 4 competitive and coop game modes.
November 6
Call of Duty: Black Ops II PS 3, Xbox 360, PC November 13 The first -person shooter franchise returns, sending players into a not-so-distantfuture. A fictional depiction of the year 2025, Black Ops II brings the fury with this single-player campaign highlighted by multiple storylines and non-linear missions. The game boasts a re-imagined multiplayer, debuting new weaponry and equipment. Also, an all-new Zombies encounter runs in the multiplayer engine. 54
campus talk
|
november 2012
Hitman: Absolution PS 3, Xbox 360, PC November 20 Agent 47 finds himself the focus of a conspiracy, forcing him to launch a personal journey through a world of corruption and betrayal. The unique art direction, original game design and cinematic story combine for a familiar, but new adaptation on the series. The game also provides the classic gameplay Hitman fans have to come to love, while also adding some brand new features.
PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale PS 3 November 20 In this free-for-all brawler, Sony showcases the best of its characters and worlds. Characters such as Kratos, Sweet Tooth, Sly Cooper, Parappa the Rapper and many more are thrown into the melee. Players can take the battle online or go head to head with a group of friends.
New Super Mario Bros. U Wii November 18 The side -scrolling adventure features Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi and more; plus, the newest addition to the franchise, your Mii character. Mario U finally lets player’s explore the Mushroom Kindgom, as well as other new worlds, with their own personal character.
Totally useless fact: When her husband was president, Julia Tyler used the title “Mrs. Presidentress.”
CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS
PRIZES
EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE
STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT
TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE
QUADRATIC FORMULA MY @$$!
Mental Multiplication
All the Math
You’ll Ever (Really)
Need By Brian Hodges
Admit it, in five years of high school math, no teacher could ever show you a practical application for the quadratic formula. Then again, you haven’t been able to show your parents a single application for your current major either. Is it “Post-Modern Feminist Literature” this semester? Column vectors, linear transformations, non-Euclidean planes and thousand-dollar graphing calculators – useless! Unless you’re pursuing some advanced physics or engineering degree, there are only a few essential mathematical concepts you need to master for everyday life. Use them in your mandatory economics class to calculate your barely passing grade. 56
campus talk
|
november 2012
I would hope you could figure out 9 x 5 in your head. But how about 399 x 45? Quick, go! Believe it or not, it doesn’t take Rainman to do fast mental calculations – just a slightly different approach to pen-andpaper math. Rather than starting with the ones, carrying the four and so on, go for the bigger numbers first, relying more heavily on your addition/ subtraction skills (you can do that in your head right?). For 399 x 45, forget the 99 altogether and realize that 400 x 45 equals 16000 + 2000… or 18000. Now subtract 45 and you’ve got your answer: 17955. You will impress the hell out of your boss every time you tally bulk orders in your head while he’s still searching for a calculator. Also makes for good party tricks if you’re not already known as a supergeek.
Means and Extremes
You’d be surprised how often you need to rework proportions in the real world: adjusting recipes, calculating disk space, divvying up illicit narcotics. But most importantly, you have twenty-two drunken frat guys all shouting for pizza. 8 slices to a pie, 3 slices to a guest, how many pizzas do you like best? Let’s see, cross-multiply 8 slices times x number of pizzas, divide that from 66 slices total and shazam! Looks like you’re ponying up for eight-and-aquarter large Sicilians my algebra-savvy friend. You could go the extra mile and proportion the number of pizzas by preferred topping as well… then again, you could simply order nine plain cheeses and tell those beer-guzzling Neanderthals that you’re the one paying. They can go means their own extremes outside if they don’t like it.
Roman Numerals
Did you know the Tower of Pisa is leaning because some architect confused the number ten for a multiplication sign on the blueprint? But just because you will never have to agonize over carrying the VII while adding DCXXXIX to MLVIII, it’s still a good idea to keep up on old Caesar’s system. How else will you be able to determine which Super Bowl we’re playing or the broadcast date of that Good Morning America episode on your TiVo?
Right Triangle Geometrics
Your trig teacher probably babbled on and on about some theorem by that Pythagorus Maximus guy. This really isn’t a math concept so much as it is common sense. Quite simply, the hypotenuse of a triangle is the shortest distance between two points. Always remember that when crossing campus by foot or navigating between intersecting freeways. Rather than traveling west for half a mile, then north for another two, take the hypotenuse and shave a-squared plus b-squared off your commute… or something to that effect.
Collision Course Algebra With so many textbooks asking us to calculate the time it takes for two trains to collide, we are just setting ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy… haven’t you read The Secret? At some point, somebody really might be riding a train from Chicago moving ninety miles per hour toward a train leaving Boston going seventy miles per hour. That somebody might just be you. And won’t it suck if you can’t even work out your escape time window in minutes and seconds?
Totally useless fact: Cats can see clearly in one-sixth the amount of light humans would need.
DRUNKSGIVING!
Drunksgiving A Drinker’s Twist By Guy Namath
On A Dry Holiday
Thanksgiving is the only major holiday that doesn’t revolve around alcohol. St. Paddy’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are obvious, so we’ll disregard them immediately. But Christmas has eggnog by the gallon, New Year’s Eve has enough champagne to satisfy a rap group for about an hour, July 4th has red, white and blue-colored cocktails and Valentine’s Day has plenty of red wine to keep your heart affectionately beating forever. What’s Thanksgiving got? Turkey, stuffing and sweet potato pie. Now, we’re not complaining about any of those things… but wouldn’t it be nice to have a festive cocktail to wash down your feast? Yeah, we thought you’d agree.
Pumpkin Pie
• 1 oz. Malibu rum • 1 oz. Kahlua • 6 oz. milk • 1/3 tsp. cinnamon • 1/2 to 1 tsp. pumpkin pie filling (depending on desired taste) Blend all ingredients together in a blender with a few cubes of ice. Serve in a glass rimmed with very finely crushed graham cracker crumbs. Sprinkle more cinnamon on top for garnish.
Gobble-tini Ginger Snap
• 3 /4 oz. Captain Morgan Spiced Rum • 1/2 oz. ginger brandy • 4 oz. eggnog Combine rum, brandy and eggnog in a blender. Blend to desired consistency. Garnish with a ginger snap for dunking.
• 1 1/2 oz. Smirnoff Cranberry Vodka • 1/4 oz. raspberry liqueur • Splash of cranberry juice Add vodka, raspberry liqueur, and cranberry juice to an ice-filled shaker and shake to mix. Strain into a cocktail glass. Serve garnished with 3 whole cranberries on a stick.
Turkey Shooter
• 3/4 oz. Wild Turkey • 1/4 oz. White Crème de Menthe Pour shot of Wild Turkey into brandy snifter or liqueur glass. Layer Crème de Menthe on top by slowly tilting the glassware forward while pouring in Crème de Menthe.
Totally useless fact: Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book “The Naked Lunch”.
Butterball • 1 part amaretto • 1 part butterscotch schnapps • Whipped cream
Pour amaretto into a shot glass and layer the schnapps on top. Top with a dash of whipped cream. Throw it back as a single shot. campus talk
|
november 2012
57
how to…
How to…
Make your lady friend a good dinner Making a quick and delicious dinner is so incredibly easy, it’s crazy that guys don’t do it more often. It’s the new law of physics: bring a girl to your house, feed her a little wine and a tasty meal, and she’ll be more than inclined to stick around to play “just the tip,” as Vince Vaughn so eloquently put it in “Wedding Crashers.” Here comes the recipe…
Cooking Tips: From our in-house Emeril.
Before You Start Be prepared, like the Boy Scouts, but different.
Go ahead and set the table with a centerpiece of fresh picked flowers. If you “pick” them at Publix, make sure you pay for them. Having the dinner table set early makes for one less thing to worry about while the food is hot. Also, buy some Texas Toast, or other pre-made garlic bread. Preheat the oven; pasta does not take too long. That way everything will be done at the same time. Also, keep a fire extinguisher handy. Let’s face it fellas, the kitchen is a scary place.
If the box says heat bread for 9–11 minutes, cook it at 8, most ovens burn bread on the bottom. And you know what they say, “Burn the bottom of the garlic bread, no sex.” Well, someone had to have had said it.
1 Boil a pot of water. I know, I know,
this sounds pretty easy, but there are definitely some rookie mistakes that can be made during this simple process.
Common boiling errors
A. Putting too much water in the pot, causing a chemical reaction where the pasta creates foam akin to something from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” B. Using too small a pot will cause the same problem, and will bunch your pasta together creating a mega pasta piece that is uncooked and crunchy. C. Accidentally sticking your girlfriend’s rabbit in the water. That sucks (well it does for Fluffy).
2 Dump a small box
of pasta noodles in your boiling water. If you are using standard spaghetti noodles, do not smash the noodles in the boiling water, let them slowly sink into the water, naturally.
3 Once the pasta comes to a boil, put
a couple dashes of salt in the water. This is the only time you will be able to season the pasta. To avoid your pasta from morphing into a great big ball of starch, put a couple drops of olive oil in there as well.
58
campus talk
|
november 2012
4 Check the box instructions, but leave
it in for about nine minutes or so. A good way to tell if the pasta is done is take one out of the pot, grab each end and pull. If there is a little “bounce” in the strand, the pasta is al dente (i.e. done), who was also my 9th grade English teacher. If the pasta breaks apart right away, you may have cooked it a little too long, in which case, add more sauce. If the pasta screams, order pizza.
5 Heat up store-bought pasta sauce.
Don’t buy a cheapo here. There is nothing worse than a watery tomato sauce. Pick one that has a good amount of garlic or spices or both, but not one they call “three-cheese” or “human excrement.” Fresh-grated Parmesan will take care of the cheese taste. I recommend Newman’s Own sauce – it has little bits of Paul Newman in it, and all chicks dig Paul Newman.
6 Drain the pasta, and pour the slightly bubbling sauce over the top. Take some freshly-grated Parmesan or Asiago cheese and sprinkle over sauce, so it gets a little melty (pardon my technical jargon here). Put dinner in a nice bowl and the garlic bread in a basket with cloth napkin to keep bread warm. DONE!
Totally useless fact: Ralph Lauren’s original name was Ralph Lifshitz.
What to Drink Finish the deal; you’re almost there. Congrats, you made a delicious spaghetti dinner complete with flower arrangement, mood lighting and Barry White. However, something is missing. Of course, the vino! How could you forget? No worries, CT is here to help you pick a good wine for your romantic rendezvous. Since you are having spaghetti, your best course of action is going with a red wine. Red wine is usually dry and goes great with foods that have a lot of zest to them. Some popular wines to choose from include Burgundy, Italian Red and Cabernet Sauvignon.
Wine Buying Tips • If it comes in a plastic bottle or a box. Don’t buy it – please!? • CT knows you are on a student budget, but don’t go below $4 a bottle. A good wine for dinner should cost anywhere between $10 and $15. Come on, splurge a little.
• Read the label and find out where the wine comes from. California, France, Argentina = good, Montana, Iceland, Iraq = bad. • If it is sold in a 2-gallon jug with three X’s on. Write it down, but don’t buy it for this particular dinner.
Here are Gator Spirit’s pick for a solid wine experience: Vivacious Vicky Red Blend A fruity, full-bodied (wink) wine that is not sweet. This wine is great for new wine drinkers to enjoy, while satisfying the more sophisticated pallet. $10.49
Villa Rocca Pinot Gris A light white wine that is crisp, yet fruity, with soft flavors of pear and apple. It’s one of the best Pinot Gris on the market. $8.99
CT’s Pick:
Boone’s Farm (preferably strawberry) This tangy, yet painful, elixir is perfect for any table setting. Just keep the contents in a paper bag and pass to your loved one for a swill. If you are feeling especially frisky, put in a box and pour at will. The heartburn will pass within 4–6 hours..
Totally useless fact: Soho stands for SOuth of HOuston street.
campus talk
|
november 2012
59
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!!!
G-Form: Extreme Edge Reverse
It’s important to protect your gadgets, especially on a college student’s budget. G-Form’s Extreme Edge Reverse brings heavyduty protection with a light-weight design. Weighing only 6 ounces, the case is designed with a Ballistic fabric exterior for a more stylish option. The Reactive Protective Technology interior provides “hidden” military-grade protection that absorbs up to 90 percent of the shock from a fall. $39.99 www.g-form.co
Q4 Card Case To alleviate that annoying jostling about that occurs in your pockets, the Q4 Card Case combines your phone and wallet to comfortably fit three cards (credit cards, IDs, etc) plus cash. The lay-flat screen guard provides ultimate screen protection and a soft-touch finish allows the case to be easily pulled out of your pocket. $39.99 www.cm4.com
Swissvoice: ePure Mobile Accessory For a more comfortable and classic feel, Swissvoice has developed the ePure Bluetooth station. The device comes complete with a handset and docking station that connects to your smartphone, tablet or PC through Bluetooth 2.0. The portable, wireless handset’s stereo speakers provide crisp, clear audio for chatting or streaming music, all while charging your phone.
60
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: “J” is the only letter of the alphabet not used in the atomic symbol for any element.
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!!!
SwannEye
To help keep an eye on your home while you’re away, the smartphone/tablet controlled wireless IP network camera shoots real time MJPEG video or still images to your PC when motion is detected. You can remotely pan and tilt the camera using software over the Internet. Motion activates the alarm or recording mechanism, as well as sends an alert of activity to you via email.
$129.99 www.swann.com
SwannSmart Edifier Bric
You can never be too safe, especially when you live with randomly paired roommates. Capturing the power of remote viewing and the cloud, the SwannSmart Wi-Fi network camera allows you to capture events as they happen to SwannSmart Secure Cloud and know what’s happening via mobile push notification. $129.99 www.swann.com
Great for home and travel, the Bric BT portable speaker system provides Bluetooth capabilities for wireless streaming and features a hide-away/pivoting dock and wireless remote. It comes with a travel slip-case for protection and plays music wirelessly through any iPod/iPhone or connected to an external audio host via auxiliary input. $99.99 www.edifier.us.com
Apogee JAM Edifier Esiena
The Esiena Bluetooth is a compact and powerful sound system that provides ’big system’ sound quality for all of your audio entertainment desires. The Bluetooth capabilities for wireless streaming, USB/SD Reader, iPod /iPhone docking station, digital clock with alarm and FM radio make the Esiena a great addition to any dorm or apartment. $299.99 www.edifier.us.com
Apogee extends its sound quality to iPad, iPhone and Mac with its new JAM. Guitarists have a pocket-sized plug in and play interface to record those spur of the moment ideas and even the well-thought out ones. JAM is a digital converter featuring PureDIGITAL technology. JAM’s interface makes a direct digital connection to the 30-pin connector on iPad and iPhone, or to a Mac by USB.
Totally useless fact: Actress Uma Thurman’s father was the first known Westerner to become a Tibetan Buddhist monk.
campus talk
|
november 2012
61
CHARTED
WHAT I DO WHEN I CAN’T HEAR SOMEONE TELL THEM I CAN’T HEAR THEM
MOVE CLOSER SO I CAN HEAR THEM REPEATEDLY SHOUT “WHAT?”
LAUGH, AND HOPE IT WASN’T A QUESTION
WHAT I’M THINKING WHEN I TALK TO MY CAT AND HE MEOWS BACK
HE’S RESPONDING TO THE ATTENTION OMG! HE UNDERSTANDS!
62
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
CHARTED
WHAT REPLYING “MAYBE” TO FACEBOOK EVENTS REALLY MEANS YES MAYBE
NO
GIRLS ONLINE AVAILABLE GIRLS UNAVAILABLE GIRLS
MEN
Totally useless fact: Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for “Profiles in Courage”
campus talk
|
november 2012
63
spotted!
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
Spot The Differences
november 16, 2012
risten Stewart, Robert K Pattinson and Taylor Lautner
A Look Into The Twilight Journey If the popular series of books and movies weren’t enough “Twilight” for you already, then how about a book about the movie that was created about a book? Providing the best of five years worth of behind-the-scenes access, “Twilight: The Complete Journey” tells the story from the beginning, precisely as it happened. Readers will meet Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner when they’re still unknown stars and follow them on their adventure from the first film to the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part 2 – getting an up-close look at what changes from fame and what doesn’t. “Twilight: The Complete Journey”gives insight into the world of Hollywood through three young stars that are proud of being raw and real. Readers will also get an in-depth look at the making and success of the films with behind-the64
campus talk
|
november 2012
scenes photos of the cast on set and the fan frenzy at Twilight premieres. With a preface from Stephenie Meyer and dozens of iconic photographs, the book is a keepsake for fans of a phenomenon that changed not only the lives of three young actors, but of Hollywood itself. Twilight The Complete Journey features: • I ntimate interviews with the cast and behind-the-scenes set photos •B rand-new EW coverage of the films, including spotlights on the Wolf Pack and Bella’s friends and family • I n-depth stories and “By the Numbers” trivia on all five movies • 5 pullout magazine cover posters from EW’s “Twilight” issues
Totally useless fact: Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Totally useless fact: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
campus talk
|
november 2012
65
1) his Hand is missing, 2) His Buttons are missing, 3) CCTV sign is missing, 4) Her button is missing, 5) her necklace is missing, 6) her mouth is missing, 7) his eyes are closed, 8) her dress is a different color
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
DON’T HATE THE PLAYA, HATE THE DAME! By Jessica DiGiacinto
How To Date
Like A
Guy
When it comes to dating, girls get a bad rap. Like it or not, a lot of people tend to characterize us as obsessive over-analyzers who dream about an engagement ring on the second date. Maybe some girls are like that, but I haven’t met many of them. Most of us are just trying to wade through the tricky waters of the dating double standard. While guys can play the field ‘til the cows come home (and even take the cow home to bed!), one date too many for a girl and suddenly she’s a slut. Since the playing field is already tilted in favor of the fellas, we’ve got to find unique and creative ways to get by until we find Mr. Right. Or we could go a step further and just start Dating Like A Guy. Listen and learn, ladies…
Digits Then Ditch It
You wrote your number down on a napkin, he programmed it into his phone and then you parted ways. Cool. Now all that happens is he calls… or he doesn’t. No matter how hard you think about the previous night or how many Romance Candles you meditate around, the truth remains that it’s up to him to pursue you. Don’t sweat it. That’s what a dude would do. If he calls, great. If not, there are another 10,000 guys wearing the same polo shirt with the same Abercrombie hairdo wandering around campus. Play the odds, not the sucker. 66
campus talk
|
november 2012
Whatevs…
There’s a reason why “head over heels” implies a female obsessive nature in relationships. Guys simply don’t put their heart into something unless it contains gambling, sports or $.25 beer. Channel that same nonchalance and let the boys know you’re as laid back about dating as they are. In fact, this may have a reverse psychological effect, causing them to start freaking out about your interest level! Guys are such puppets…
Sisters Before Misters
No matter how much you’re into a new guy, make sure to keep in mind all your girlies who came before and will be there after. A hot guy is like steak dinner… he’ll feed you for one night then leave you hungry the next. A good girlfriend is like the whole damn farm… she’ll help you find a steady meal any time you’re craving some meat.
Their Loss Is Your Gain
Lots of times, girls will take a rejection personally. I wasn’t hot/ witty/smart enough for him… I was too this, not enough that. Scratch that mentality from your mindset and start looking at the dating glass half full. A guy blows you off? Fine… on to his much hotter frat brother or that sexy lacrosse player at the end of the bar. In the dating world, optimism leads to orgasms. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
Totally useless fact: Of the 20 brightest stars in the sky, Capella is the furthest north.
Is Internet included in your rent? Before you sign or renew your lease, ASK if GATOR NET is included in your rent or ASK your property manager about getting GATOR NET at your complex! SM
To find a listing of apartments that feature GATOR NET, log on to gator.net .
50 Megs of speed included in your rent Download classes in SECONDS... movies in MINUTES No more freezes or delays ÂŽ
Powered by GRU s gator.net
Gainesville’s only ALL fiber optic network!
*GATOR NET optional communities allow you to purchase 50 Megs for $24.95 per month.
Scoring Secrets!
Uncovering By Rachel Sokol
the truth behind actions of women
What She Says: “Hi! You’re Tommy’s (Insert any guy’s name) friend, right?” What She Means: “At first, I checked out Tommy and thought, ‘Wow!’ Then I saw you hanging out with Tommy and immediately thought, ‘Forget Tommy – Who is THAT hottie?’ Right now, I am pretending this is the first time I’ve ever met you, but believe me, I know who you are!”
What She Says: “I’m having so many problems with my boyfriend who lives 12,000 miles away. What She Means: Chances are, she’s no longer feeling the guy she claims she to ‘love?’ No, really… I do… and has found herself attracted to you.
What She Says to a Guy: “Will you play me a song on your guitar?” What She Means: “Will you write a song about me and use it to serenade me?” It’s the secret wish of many women out there to have a song written about them. It’s beyond flattering. She’ll be putty in your hands if you look her right In the eye, stroke the guitar, and sing along.
Men, listen up! Here’s some decoded information from LADIES… what they say, do, and really mean in order to get MEN to notice them! Pay attention to these obvious signs of flirtation. They may say one thing, but they really mean another!
What She Says: “My back is KILLING me.” What She Means: “Please give me a massage.” You are seriously clueless if you don’t get this one. Most girls are suckers for massages, and when they request one, they want you to touch them. When they make any type of comment about their neck, shoulders or back hurting, that is your cue to offer a massage… immediately!
What She Does: ‘Play’ Dances with you at a bar or party What She Means: “Notice me bumping my hips against yours?” Who cares if you can’t dance – neither can she. She’s just using some overplayed song as an excuse for you to notice her body. And you do. Trust me, you do.
What She Says: “Can I sleep in your room for a little while? My roommate sexiled me!” What She Means: “Can I sleep in your bed (on a platonic level) but secretly hope that we hook up… which is why I am wearing my sexiest tank-top?” This innocent question is really her way of literally inviting herself into your bed, using her roommate as an excuse.
Women may not be the easiest creatures to read. But pay attention! There may be more there than meets the eye. 68
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.
GET THE REAL
INSIDE SCOOP THE LARGEST AND MOST ACTIVE MESSAGE BOARDS IN THE GATOR WORLD
AND UF SHANDS ES GET A EMPLOYE HEN YOU W T DISCOUN RY! R COUNT $ O T A G IN !. JO 3 + 2 % !4/2 0 6)3)4 9/52 ' 9%% $)3#/5.4 0,/ 3(!.$3 %- % !$6!.4!'% !+ 4 / 4 % 0!' 0%#)!,3 /& 4(%3% 3
JOIN
TODAY
Membership to the Insider Authority on Gator Sports includes: s 'ET THE REAL
INSIDE SCOOP s 5NPARALLELED YEAR ROUND COVERAGE OF THE &LORIDA 'ATORS s "IGGEST MOST ACTIVE FORUMS IN 'ATOR 3PORTS s "EST FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL RECRUITING COVERAGE s %XPERT IN DEPTH ANALYSIS OPINION
JOIN ONLINE OR CALL 352-416-0018
EXCLUSIVE FEATURES | MORE INTERVIEWS | MORE IN-DEPTH REPORTING | EXCLUSIVE RECRUITING NEWS | MORE OF WHAT YOU CRAVE!
GATORCOUNTRY.COM
NOW WITH 30% MORE SEX Sex sells. Ask anyone. I recently embarked on a six month campaign to make myself as sexy as humanly possible. After I had done everything humanly possible I enlisted the help of science to pursue as many inhuman/nonhuman/subhuman avenues to sexiness as are available to the American consumer. I wish that you could see how sexy I am now. I’m all muscles, abs, dimples, high cheekbones, low-cut jeans, bulges, lumps, humps, swellings, hi-lights, hair plugs, butt plugs, Botox, piercings, tattoos, tummy tucks, butt lifts, face lifts, face peels, low-carb meals, and Viagra. On top of all those improvements, I stick a sock in it just to be on the safe side. I’m so sexy now that I am starting to leak. Does anyone have a tissue? I hope that doesn’t stain my new sexy furniture. Who would have thought that being this sexy was going to be so messy? With almost every step I take I’m squirting something out of somewhere. I’m so fertile these days that I actually knocked-up someone at my bank – over the phone! I don’t even know her name. The whole concept of “sexy” has been so worn-out by advertisers that by now “sexy” is like some 90 year old transvestite prostitute that the marketers doll up in a fresh coat of make-up and hot pants and put back on the street, night after night. The old whore is forced to sell everything from paper towels to cellular phones, and if she comes home empty-handed she gets slapped around.
Sexy Sex-Filled By john scheck
Sexfest! 70
campus talk
|
november 2012
In our era, things like palm pilots, mini-vans, fast food, SUV’s, golf tees, shitty light beer, deodorant, and just about everything else that can be bought or sold is touted as being “sexy.” When during the transaction, and at what point during the consumerist shell game does society lose track of what human sexuality is all about? How long can we subject ourselves to the marketing glory hole before our genitalia become vestigial organs like our appendices or tail bones? According to the advertising geniuses, “sexy” is the realm of the young. Marketing creeps feel that 18 is the perfect age, 18 or even younger. Some fashion designers use models who are 14 years old to sell clothes for adult women. Why stop at 14? Why not dress up a sonogram of a female fetus to sell the latest swimwear? You can’t be too young or too thin, as they say (I’m quite sure that the “they” here are advertisers). Something that I have always suspected and what advertisers don’t want you to know is that fat, old, and ugly people are capable of achieving orgasm. I’d bet that right now there are old, fat, ugly people humping their brains out and they are doing it without buying MP3 players or crappy light beer. I’m not fat, old, and ugly – not yet, but I hope to make it there some day.
Totally useless fact: The first hard drive available for the Apple ][ had a capacity of 5 Megabytes.
Totally useless fact: Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World:70%
campus talk
|
november 2012
71
Totally useless fact: Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
campus talk
|
november 2012
73
74
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Totally useless fact: Percentage of American women who say they’d marry the same man: 50%
campus talk
|
november 2012
75
apply today
VSDFHV DYDLODEOH IRU LPPHGLDWH PRYH LQ
C7 44BC0C4BD 5 2>< _aXePcT QTSa^^\b QPcWa^^\b _Tc UaXT]S[h aTb^ac bch[T [XeX]V X]SXeXSdP[ [TPbTb bP]S e^[[ThQP[[ QPbZTcQP[[ R^dacb " aTb^ac bch[T bfX\\X]V _^^[b
"$! %(! " " } "$!& BF ! cW 0eT
Totally useless fact: Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
campus talk
|
november 2012
77
ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
R E B M E V O N
QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
Totally useless fact: Your fingernail has the same ingredients as fly poop
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?
SUDOKU
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
campus talk
|
november 2012
79
hahaha
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
80
A man at the airline counter tells the clerk, “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.”
This scientist was telling a colleague, “I have worked for many years to develop an acid that would eat anything and I finally did it. So I invested everything I had and could borrow into it.”
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
“You must have made a fortune,” commented his friend.
The man replies, “Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.”
“No! I lost all my investments. I couldn’t find anything to ship it in,” replied the scientist.
campus talk
|
november 2012
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to normally be a conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste and paper items, with a “thank you” note from the manufacturer. “Well, What do you think?” asked his smiling wife, Ruth. “I think that next time,” Morris replied, “I’m writing to General Motors.”
Totally useless fact: The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
hot tips
College Life Tips From About.com’s Kelci Lynn For someone that has never seen the site, what is about.com and the guide to college life? With more than 900 topic sites (Guide sites), About.com offers expert, quality content that helps users find solutions to a wide range of daily needs. As the guide to College Life, I write articles, blogs, a newsletter and other tidbits about how students can make their life in college easier. I cover everything from roommates and financial aid to studying abroad. I love it! What are the major pitfalls a freshman faces and how can you avoid them? I’m always shocked at how many first-year students forget how important it is to go to class! Yes, there are a ton of things going on and no one takes attendance like they did in high school but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to skip class unless you really, really need to. Remember, your main goal in college is to graduate. Going to class, doing the reading, turning in the homework on time and being prepared for exams is how you get from your first day of college to tossing your cap on graduation day.
What are the secrets to having a great college experience? Everyone has a different definition of a great college experience. There are so many stereotypes about college students just going to school to party but that doesn’t work for everyone. If you want to go to school and party, that’s great. Just do well in your classes and be safe about it. If you want to go to school to figure out what you want to do when you get older, that’s also great. There’s no rush to declare a major if you’re coming in undecided. If you want to go to college, focus very seriously on your academics and then get a Ph.D. afterward, feel comfortable in that decision.
Additionally, one of the major pitfalls first-year students face is not saying “no” enough. When you get to college, you’re presented with a seemingly endless amount of opportunities with which to get involved. It’s impossible to do everything, no matter how much you try. Prioritize your academics, figure out what things interest you the absolute most and say no to the rest. In college, how do you balance social life and work with studying? Keeping a balance between a social life, work, other obligations (like a significant other) and studying is hard and needs constant attention. Some of the best things you can do to help maintain this balance are to have a good time management system, take care of your physical health so you don’t burn out, don’t leave studying until the last minute and try to keep your stress levels in check.
For more tips and further information, check out about.com Totally useless fact: State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
campus talk
|
november 2012
Show me the money! MyBankTracker.com
Student Checking
Accounts Here are studentchecking options at the 10 biggest banks:
Chase Chase offers a College Checking account that is simply the equivalent of its basic checking account, except with a lower monthly fee. This $6 monthly service is waived until graduation (for up to five years after account opening) or with a monthly direct deposit of any amount. After graduation, the College Checking account becomes a Chase Total Checking account. Bank of America Bank of America does not offer a student checking account. Instead, the bank recommends the eBanking account to college students. The eBanking account has a monthly fee of $8.95, which is waived when the customers choose paperless statements and refrains from using a bank teller for transactions. Wells Fargo Wells Fargo’s College Checking account has a $3 monthly service fee that is waived by linking the account to a Wells Fargo Campus ATM or debit card, maintaining a $500 daily balance or posting direct deposit of $25 or more. The account keeps its terms for five years, after which the account will convert to a basic checking account. (Student checking customers must prove student status again to extend this term.) Citibank The Citibank Student Account is absolutely free for students enrolled in college and graduate school. The account offers free access to non-Citibank ATMs – for when students need emergency cash. After graduation, the Citibank Student Account becomes a basic checking account, which does charge fees for monthly maintenance and non-Citibank ATM use. U.S. Bank The Student Checking account from U.S. Bank is basically a copy of the bank’s basic checking account with a few extra perks that catered to college students. In addition to no monthly fee, student-checking customers receive a free first order of checks and four free non-U.S. ATM transactions per month. For accounts that are stay open for more than five years, accountholders have to be under age 25 – otherwise, the account converts to a basic checking account. Capital One Capital One does not offers a student checking account. The bank’s Rewards Checking account charges $8.95 a month, unless there is a $300 minimum daily balance or a monthly direct deposit of at least $250.
campus talk
|
november 2012
ING Direct, the newly-acquired online banking division of Capital One, offers a free interest checking account. The account is not specifically designated for students. It offers free access to Allpoint ATMs. PNC Bank PNC does not offer a student checking account because it doesn’t need to – PNC is the last of the top 10 banks that still provides a free checking account for all customers. Students can open this account and not worry about the changes that would occur after graduation. TD Bank TD Bank charges no monthly fee and does not impose a balance requirement on its TD Student checking account. The bank does waive one overdraft fee per academic year but this perk is discontinued as of Aug. 15, 2012. However, transfer fees for overdraft protection are waived (can be linked to a Convenience Savings account). After five years, the student benefits of these account will expire. SunTrust Bank SunTrust’s Student Checking account comes with a $4 monthly fee, unless there is a $300 daily balance, payroll direct deposit or a $300 daily balance in a linked SunTrust checking account owned by a parent or guardian. The account converts to a basic checking account when the student graduates or after five years of account opening (whichever comes first). BB&T BB&T has a Student Banking account for students through age 23. The account has no monthly fees and there are a few perks. Student-checking customers receive four free non-BB&T ATM transactions per month and their debit card purchases will earn cash back. BB&T will waive a single fee for the following items: returned item, overdraft, stop payment, money order or official check. BB&T converts the account to basic checking on the student’s 24th birthday. Take a look at other options In the past year, consumer perceptions of big banks have deteriorated – even more so when they hike fees and cut services. This month, for example, TD Bank will stop refunding a per-year overdraft fee and SunTrust will stop offering a reducedoverdraft fee and reimbursements on two non-SunTrust ATM transactions per month. To ensure that parents find the appropriate checking account for their kids, parents should also consider community banks, online banks and credit unions when they compare student-checking accounts.
Totally useless fact: Wayne’s World was filmed in two weeks.
oooh, nasty!
irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur
Check eoto send us picturees toof yo
Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th
Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: City with the most Rolls Royceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s per capita: Hong Kong
campus talk
|
november 2012
MONEY MAKER
“The number one key to starting your own business or being an entrepreneur is having somebody that’s already been there and done it, someone who is willing to take your hand and show you the way.”
Can you learn how to be an
entrepreneur? Interviewed by Lauren Douglass
With the release of his second book, Entrepreneur Unleashed: Wealth to Stand the Test of Time, Gregory Downing, national financial speaker, breaks down the basics of what stands in the way of college students building their own empires and teaches us how to sail through all of the barriers and be prepared for this economy upon graduation.
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: The youngest pope was 11 years old.
MONEY MAKER How do you get started with an idea for a business? What we have to recognize is that starting a small business and truly becoming an entrepreneur are two different things. There are different types of entrepreneurship. A lot of people start their own business because they get forced out of their job, and they don’t really know what they’re doing. That business then struggles or somebody ends up working harder than they worked in their present job, because they don’t really know how to run a business. If you want to be safe in today’s economy, you need to have multiple streams of income. Think about the person that gets fired from their job or is a victim of corporate downsizing. They relied on that one income and if that one income goes away, then that’s when that family really becomes distressed. If you had four or five streams of income coming in and one of those strings dries up, then you would be okay. It’s more than just starting a small business and that’s what Entrepreneur Unleashed speaks to – the ability to create multiple streams of income. To get started, an exercise that I do with my students is to have them write out 10 things that they are really passionate about in life, that they believe they are really good at and can teach someone else to do. When you realize you can teach this talent to someone and are passionate about it – that could be a great idea for a small business. How do you go about raising the capital? That’s the biggest and toughest part. One of the reasons why small businesses today fail is because they are under capitalized and are under financially educated. That’s why it begins with earned income. If you’ve got the ability to go out and create earned income, – get streams of income coming in that you are actually forced to go out and produce yourself – then if you leverage that money and invest it in areas that give you passive income, say through rentals on an apartment building or a single family home, then you’ve got a reoccurring revenue string coming in. Another way is by having a solid financial education, where you can sit down and write out your business plan of what you want your business to be. The problem is that most kids don’t know how to write those business plans, because that’s not something they’re teaching us in school. If you’re really passionate about something, focus on how you can get that message across by going out and presenting it to other investors. Getting people to invest in your business and your ideas, is where the capital can come from.
Do you believe that everyone can start their own business? I guess the answer to that is probably no. Can everybody be successful as an attorney? Can everybody be successful as a doctor? I don’t believe that you have to have certain characteristics s or certain skills to be an entrepreneur that are inherent. These are skills that we can learn over time.
Entrepreneurship is about having multiple streams of income; learning what it means to have earned and passive income coming in and what it means to create portfolio income. What are some of the common misconceptions about owning your own business? The common misconception is that if I own my own business, I’m going to be able to set my own hours and be financially free; it’s going to give me freedom to go out and do what I want. But when you’re just focused on that one stream of income, then we are right back to the same conversation. Owning your own business and actually becoming an entrepreneur are two different things. The misconception is, “Okay I work for somebody else. They tell me when I have to work; they tell me when I get my paycheck. If I work for myself, I’m going to be my own boss and that’s going to give me my own freedom.” But then, what they find out is that when you work for yourself, you are responsible for everything. If you don’t build the right team of people and don’t delegate very well, you will end up doing 100 percent of the work. If you’re going to own your own business, work to create systems and processes that can be duplicated, and can create the team of people that can take that business over for you, then you can go out and start that next business. That’s the real message.
about is that, if you truly believe time is money, go out and find father time and see if you can buy some of it back. It’s gone. Every second that clicks is gone, but every second that clicks is the beginning of our new future. Passive money is money that makes money over time. I’ll give you an example of passive income. Today, I’m a hard moneylender. I like to create businesses. I like to buy businesses. I like to loan money to businesses to help them sit down and create the systems and processes that will let them run like a fine, well-oiled machine. Now, once those systems and processes are running without me, I then make a percentage without working in those businesses anymore. Passive income is money that makes money over time. The third one is portfolio income and there are a lot of different types. I can give you an example with one of the things I focus a lot on nowadays – real-estate investing. It’s when you know what you are doing. You’ve got the right products in place. You’ve got the right resources in place. That is one of the safest ways today. Let’s say that we own an apartment building that is worth $2 million, and I owed $1.5 million on that apartment building. I have $500,000 of equity in that apartment building. That is not income in the pocket, but that is money in the portfolio. If I sold the apartment building, it could become money in my pocket. It’s very scary when you are just coming out of college to know how to do all of these things. That’s the problem. Our kids aren’t coming out of college knowing how to do any of these things. The biggest economic crisis that is right around the corner and no one is talking about is default of student loans. For a kid coming straight out of college to try to go out and create their own business when they haven’t been equipped with the right skills, the right mindset or the right programming is very scary. One of the things I’d like to say is that we will make mistakes. Those are the battlegrounds to success, but failure is not an option. Understand that we are going to make mistakes, but don’t let those be break downs; let them be breakthroughs and keep moving forward.
‘Entrepreneur Unleashed: Wealth to Stand the Test of Time’ is available at bookstores nationwide What are the three types of income? and from all major You’ve got earned income, which is where online booksellers. we trade our time for dollars. People who To learn more visit live in that world of income believe that time www.GregoryDowning.com is money. One of the things I often joke
Totally useless fact: Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
campus talk
|
november 2012
GET THE POPCORN!
flicks By daniel sutphin
Lincoln WHAT: Biography Drama History WHO: Daniel Day-Lewis,
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tommy Lee Jones WHEN: November 16 This Steven Spielberg-directed blockbuster documents President Lincoln’s efforts and hardships with the ongoing death on the battlefield as the Civil War continues to plague the country. While dealing with the rising carnage, the president must also do battle with his own cabinet on the issue of emancipating the slaves.
e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
Silver Linings Playbook WHAT: Comedy Drama WHO: Bradley Cooper, Jennifer
This Must Be The Place WHAT: Comedy Drama WHO: Sean Penn, Frances
McDormand and Judd Hirsch WHEN: November 2 A quirky, but heartfelt comedy, this depicts Cheyenne, a wealthy, former rock star (Penn), amid a less than stellar retirement. In lieu of his estranged father’s death, the bored rocker goes on a quest to find his father’s persecutor, an ex-Nazi war criminal in hiding in the U.S. campus talk
|
november 2012
Skyfall WHAT: Action Adventure WHO: Daniel Craig, Helen
McCrory and Javier Bardem WHEN: November 9 Daniel Craig returns as Bond for another action-packed thriller of guns, girls and adventure. In this latest addition to the series, Bond’s loyalty to M is tested as her past comes back to haunt her. After an attack on M16, Bond must hunt down and eliminate the threat, no matter how personal the cost.
Lawrence and Robert De Niro WHEN: November 21 Fresh out of a stint in a state institution, Pat Solatano (Cooper) moves in with his parents having lost everything. Focused on rebuilding his life, he remains positive and hopes to reunite with his wife, despite their troubling separation. In his efforts Pat meets Tiffany and strikes a deal with her in an attempt to get back with his wife, as long as he does something for her in return. An unexpected bond develops between them as they carry out their deal.
The Man with the Iron Fists WHAT: Action WHO: Russell Crowe,
Cung Le, Lucy Liu and Rza WHEN:v November 2 In this battle royal of blood, sex and extensive weaponry, Wu Tang Clan’s Rza takes the role of director, writer and actor. Taking place in feudal China, a blacksmith (Rza) was spending most of his days making weapons for the village. He creates a pair of iron gloves and joins a battle of seven clans to defend himself and his fellow villagers.
Totally useless fact: Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
rent me! Amazing Spider-Man WHAT: Action Fantasy Thriller WHO: Andrew Garfield,
Emma Stone and Rhys Ifans WHEN: November 6 In search of himself and his past, Peter Parker (Garfield) finds a clue that might reveal the truth behind his parents’ disappearance. The clue leads him to Oscorp and Dr. Curt Connors, his father’s former partner. As he digs deeper, he puts Spider-Man on a collision course with Connors’ alter-ego, The Lizard.
Small
Screen
Men in Black 3 WHAT: Action, Comedy, Sci-Fi WHO: Will Smith, Tommy Lee
Jones and Josh Brolin WHEN: November 30 The third of the series, this installment finds Earth in danger after an alien criminal kills young Agent K in 1969, thus altering the timeline and the agency. Veteran Agent J (Smith) must travel back in time to before the murder and work with young Agent K (Brolin) to save him, the Agency, the Earth and humanity.
2 Days in New York
Savages
WHAT: Comedy WHO: Julie Delpy, Chris Rock
WHAT: Crime Drama Thriller WHO: Aaron Taylor-Johnson,
and Albert Delpy WHEN: November 13 A follow-up to the film, Two Days in Paris, 2 Days in New York finds Marion (Delpy) living with her American boyfriend Mingus (Rock), as well as her child from a previous relationship. Her family decides to visit, bring with them not only her ex-boyfriend and father of her child, but also a cultural background guaranteed to clash with Mingus.
The Watch WHAT: Comedy Sci-Fi WHO: Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn
and Jonah Hill WHEN: November 13 To escape their day-to-day family routines, four suburban dads form a neighborhood watch. Little did they know that instead of busting some unruly kids, they’d have to defend Earth from an Alien Invasion!
Totally useless fact: Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Taylor Kitsch, Blake Lively and John Travolta WHEN: November 13 In this Oliver Stone directed flick, pot growers Ben (Johnson) and Chon (Kitsch) have it pretty easy with their business and shared girlfriend, O (Lively). Trouble kicks in when they refuse to team with a major drug cartel. The cartel kidnaps O to teach them a lesson and the two choose to fight for her return. campus talk
|
november 2012
Please step out of the car sir
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer tube.” The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.” “Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.” “Well, then, we need a urine sample.” “I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.” “All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.” “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m drunk.”
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got just what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
Totally useless fact: First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
campus talk
|
november 2012
89
YOUR LOGO HERE
Your source
FOR STUDENT GOVERNMENT PROMOTIONAL ITEMS
YOUR LOGO HERE 352-371-5881
TSHIRTS, PROMOTIONAL ITEMS, BANNERS, POSTCARDS, DESIGN SERVICES, AND SO MUCH MORE.
Your logo here PART OF
hahaha
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsies are giving me heartburn.” Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.”
An man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”
A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the barman, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?” “Well,” said the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”
Totally useless fact: Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio. (Note: Real title is “Sloopy”)
campus talk
|
november 2012
91
tree of lOVe!
Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. 92
campus talk
|
november 2012
Totally useless fact: Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?
ucces S S If at first you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t succeed, redefine it.
one liners!
p u k c Pi s e n i L
you r o f e v o l My a e k i l s n r u b x. i n e o h p g n dyi a ri n g a n I ’m not we y cloak i nvisibilit u th i n k but do yo l visit I c ould stil ricted you r rest n ig ht? section to
light, p o t s a e r If I we every ed I’d turn r ssed just pa time you tare at s so I could onger. l you a bit 94
campus talk
|
november 2012
Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready.
I’d like to get my basilisk your chamb into of secrets. er I was so encha nte your beauty th d by at I ran into that wall ov there. So I am er going to need your nam and number fo e r insurance purp oses.
Totally useless fact: The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
GET THE REAL
INSIDE SCOOP THE LARGEST AND MOST ACTIVE MESSAGE BOARDS IN THE GATOR WORLD
AND UF SHANDS ES GET A EMPLOYE HEN YOU W T DISCOUN RY! R COUNT $ O T A G IN !. JO 3 + 2 % !4/2 0 6)3)4 9/52 ' 9%% $)3#/5.4 0,/ 3(!.$3 %- % !$6!.4!'% !+ 4 / 4 % 0!' 0%#)!,3 /& 4(%3% 3
JOIN
TODAY
Membership to the Insider Authority on Gator Sports includes: s 'ET THE REAL
INSIDE SCOOP s 5NPARALLELED YEAR ROUND COVERAGE OF THE &LORIDA 'ATORS s "IGGEST MOST ACTIVE FORUMS IN 'ATOR 3PORTS s "EST FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL RECRUITING COVERAGE s %XPERT IN DEPTH ANALYSIS OPINION
JOIN ONLINE OR CALL 352-416-0018
EXCLUSIVE FEATURES | MORE INTERVIEWS | MORE IN-DEPTH REPORTING | EXCLUSIVE RECRUITING NEWS | MORE OF WHAT YOU CRAVE!
GATORCOUNTRY.COM