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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD
P12
READING
09 The Tricky Treats Guide 10 Hospitality or Hostel?
P54
12 Mastering Illusions
with Todd Tucker 14 Top 5 Creepiest Graves 18 Twerk Your Life Away 22 It’s Really Not That Complicated: Roundabouts 24 Country Magic Doreen Taylor 34 A Man’s Guide to Etiquette 61 Recipes with Food that Never Dies 68 Childhood Classics 70 Cooking on the Fly with Kitchenability 101
P14
P93
P09
P81
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81 What Would
P52
Genghis Khan Do? 82 How To Transition Your Wardrobe from Summer to Fall 84 At a Crossroad: Going for the Dream with Dan Godlin and Silpa Narayan 92 Fighting Back on Facebook 93 Why We Want What We Want
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: A jellyfish is 95 percent water.
breakin’ it down!
FOR YOUR
P32
ENTERTAINMENT 15 Spot the Not: Food Origins
P84
30 Top 40 Best Worst High
School Mascots 32 The Brief History of the Bra 42 Rep-Speak for Dummies 48 The Man Test: Electrical 52 Beauty for the Fall 53 Trick or Treater Award 54 Ultimate Tic-Tac-Toe 57 Top 10 Strangest Deaths 58 Gadgets 64 Spot the Differences 66 Sore Thumbs 69 Pickup Lines 86 Flicks 90 Cookies of Fortune
P61
P22 P82
P34 P24
P66
Totally useless fact: Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.
P10
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7
WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER MORE TRICK THAN TREAT As a child, it’s difficult to believe that Halloween could ever get better than it felt at that moment, but then you get to college. Forget all of those restrictions cast down from parents and lawmakers; in college, Halloween is a full-on, free-for-all of candy, costumes and pranks, only to be topped off with booze, parties and the potential slew of other nefarious activities. Is there a better way to celebrate the passing of midterms? I think not. The steam and stress is on the rise this month with midterms looming. To support you in such a time of need, we’ve packed the tricks, as well as some treats, for your reading delight. We sit down with Hollywood makeup
artist and master of illusions, Todd Tucker. We discuss life’s ‘crossroads’ with musicians Dan Godlin and Shilpa Narayan. We’ve tossed in some pranks to pull on deserving trick-ortreaters, the top 5 creepiest grave sites, some tips on prepping your wardrobe for the fall, and even some tips on, dare I say, ‘twerking.’ This Halloween, somewhere in between pranking roommates, crashing parties and viewings of “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” don’t forget to pick up a book from time to time to study, because nothing is more appropriate for hitting the books than an endless, twitchy sugar high.
Daniel Sutphin
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
Editor-IN-CHIEF Lauren Douglass
CONTENT EDITOR Daniel Sutphin
art director DANIEL TIDBURY
Graphic Design Jane Dominguez Patrice Kelly Daniel Tidbury
Contributing Writers Marc Douglass Lauren Douglass Daniel Sutphin Kelly Herman Brian Hodges John Scheck Mike Stanley Kevin Pearson Sarah G. Mason Mike Capshaw
FASHIon FEATURES Danielle Boudrea
SPeCIAL PROJECTS Lauren Michelle Kolansky Sasha Lall
nightlife Paparazzi Jason Frankenfield
Promotions Amanda Liles Karen Jones AnnMarie DeFeo Georgia Summerville
director of advertising Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com
Legal Counsel Gary Edinger
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: Butterflies taste with their feet.
TRICK OR … TRICK
The
Tricky by Kelly Herman
Treats
Guide Getting too old for trick-or-treating sucks, but at least you still have the option of participating in this corporate-rendered tradition! That teensy “or” in the middle has lost its meaning, since only treats are doled out nowadays. Why not bring back the tricks with a few treats of your own?
The Fake-oration Creepy skeletons usually guard candy on Halloween night when costumed adolescents come to snag free Nerds. Why not BE the skeleton? Dress up in a mask and cloak that covers your body, then stand motionless, waiting for your next victim. Scream in horror as they steal your candy, or try and grab the piece they want before they do. They’ll have brown stains in no time. The Bottom Feeder Halloween parties are always rocking, with awesome decorations of cobwebs and… and… ZZZZZZZ. Okay, they’re not always awesome, except for the booze. How do you make this holiday’s treat into a trick? Bring rubber/plastic rats, snakes, and spiders and begin hiding them everywhere: Under the toilet seat or lid, in the shower (for your host’s entertainment at the end of the night), in drawers, between cushions, and anywhere you think other party-goers will enjoy their splendor.
The First Bite Caramel apples are the best part about Halloween, because you only get them once a year. Or at the fair, but anyone who eats county fair food probably doesn’t enjoy much out of life anyway. These enticing treats can be enjoyed at a price by all of your friends and family, or even at a party you’d like to ruin! All you have to do is make it a caramel onion that looks convincing as an apple. Treats can ALWAYS be tricks – and don’t you forget it. The Last Sip Not enough people leaving this previously mentioned, hypothetical party screaming and in tears? Drop a few raisins or chunks of chocolate into the bottom of drinks. No one likes the idea of having chugged half a rum and diet with poop at the bottom! But you do …
The Sneakiest of Snickers STILL not enough poop pranks for you? Well this one is going to take a lot of planning, so tighten up! Grab a Snicker’s bar, or other chocolate candy. (See where I’m going with this?) Eat the candy, or throw it away, and leave the wrapper as in tact as possible. Hopefully only one end will have been opened. (Okay you get it now, right?). Into the opening, stick some poop, REAL POOP YOU PANSY!! You only get once a year to trick people into opening a 100 Grand bar filled with doodoo, so take it! Glue that sucker up, wash your hands thoroughly, and make it look as candy bar-like as possible. Stick the “Stink”ers bar in with non-chocolate candy, maybe leaving hints of other chocolate candies at the bottom, so you know which one is the trick-treat. This will also cover up the smell, if you place them with more sugary candies.
Here’s a tip:
Be sure to post pictures and videos of any pranks you might pull this scare season to CT’s Facebook page. The post with the most likes will be featured in our December issue.
Totally useless fact: The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.
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9
Serve it up By Mike Stanley
BE CLEAR
When filling out the application, be clear that you are a student, and will not be able to work every hour of every day. By every day, of course, I mean night, because the food industry thrives most in the evening. Your days are going to consist of classes, study sessions at the library and, of course, your apartment pool hopping tours.
HAVE A FEEL FOR YOUR SCHEDULE
It’s not a bad idea to have a feel for your schedule before applying for jobs. That way, you know how much time you are going to need to dedicate to labs, reading, homework and campus time. Once you have this determined, proceed to assign your availability. Start out with a very modest availability; you’re here to study, not work. You don’t want to throw yourself into a full schedule and lose necessary time for studying. All work and no play makes Johnny a stressed out failure. This can destroy your college experience and could easily threaten its outcome.
DON’T BECOME THE COMPANY’S WORKHORSE
If the company doesn’t hire you because of your availability, chances are it wasn’t going to work out anyway. They are looking for workhorses who are able to drop anything to come into work, stay for long hours, and do it again the next day. You are not this workhorse. This workhorse is a fragile body of work – always on edge and always pushing back assignments to work. Money is nice, but this student-poverty you’re experiencing is only temporary.
Hospitality
or Hostel? Tips for Joining the Food Biz
STAY ON TRACK
Once you’ve acquired your “dream job,” finished training and start working for full pay, DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN. More often than not, your employer will start asking you to work more hours, or stay longer. Forget about sympathy while working as a student. I’m not saying you should be a sociopath, but you need to keep your own schedule in mind. Time to bust out the “automatic no;” it’s an effective tool that isn’t used nearly enough in the food biz, and as a line-cook or server, it can be your best friend and will not require an excuse. Your employer should have many other choices besides you.
By this time in the semester, the money your parents HOW AM I GOING TO KEEP A “ gave you is gone and financial aid is running thin. JOB IF I DON’T STAY LATER OR PICK UP SHIFTS FOR PEOPLE?” Many of your friends join the lucrative, but stressful, Keep in mind that managers are going to see you as food service industry to compensate and now, in your expendable because there are thousands of people looking for a job; however, you weren’t hired to pick up burgeoning financial troubles, they’re trying to recruit peoples slack. It’s the manager’s job to fill the gaps in the schedule, not yours. Remember that application you. Since you already have a friend on the inside, it’s you filled out? It’s a great document for reference when your inquiring employer attempts to give you flak for not a reach to think that you could get a job in the your “automatic no” responses. business, but there are a few things you have to Keep a smile on your face while at work, leave the outside world outside, and do your job to the best remember if you want to make money and still of your ability; that is what’s going to keep you in the workforce. maintain your progress and focus as a student. 10
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Totally useless fact: To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs – it will let go instantly.
oooh, nasty!
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Totally useless fact: The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
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october 2013
11
the monster man
Mastering Interview by Daniel Sutphin
Illusions with Todd Tucker Unless you’ve been hiding in a cave for the past two decades, you’ve seen his work. Dubbed the “Master of Illusion” by the Los Angeles Times, Todd Tucker is a celebrity special effects make-up legend, entrepreneur and president of Illusion Industries.
His experience spans as far back as the 1991 film, “Hook” with Robin Williams, and most recently, ‘Luke Bracey Cobra Commander’ in Paramount’s “GI Joe: Retaliation” and new special effect magic in the films “Iceman” and Sony’s “The Smurfs.” CT caught up with Tucker to discuss his experiences as a Hollywood make-up FX artist and his company Illusion Industries. How did you get started in special effects make-up? I started learning how to sculpt, mold, paint and make puppets when I was in high school. After I graduated, I put together a portfolio of my work and moved to Hollywood and started knocking on doors, and got a job. The first studio film I worked on as a makeup effects artist was “Hook.” I’m also one of the biggest fans of Spielberg there is, so for me to be able to sit there and watch Spielberg all day long was amazing. What does Illusion Industry specialize in? It’s basically an in-house, one-stop make-up effects company. We specialize in character and old-age make ups. We do monster make ups, we do specialty props and costumes. I opened the company about three years ago, and since then we’ve done eight films, all of which are coming out this year, so for the last two and a half years I haven’t been able to show any of our stuff because the films weren’t out. We started out with “G.I. Joe: Retaliation,” we recently did the movie the “Iceman,” and then “The Smurfs 2.” For “G.I. Joe” we did old age and character make-ups, and body props of all the lead actors. For “Iceman” we did an old age make-up on the lead character. Then for “The Smurfs 2,” much like we did the first one, we did the Gargamel character on Hank Azaria.
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Are there any genres you prefer to work on? Are there any you wouldn’t want to work on? No, we pretty much do everything. We also do trauma make-ups, which we use on the TV show “Southland,” and we’ve actually been doing some stuff for the “Conan O’Brian Show“ for skits. We also do puppets, ranging from ultra-realistic to cartoony, so we’re all over the place. We seem to excel at the old age and character make-ups, but we even do stuff like tattoos, such as for the movie, “White House Down.” Do you have a set process for developing special effects works for films, or do you approach each film individually? We approach each film individually. We get the script and break down all of the effects. Then we get together with the director and find out his vision for the film. Then once we have that discussion, Joe Colwell or Martin Astles or myself will come up with different designs to give to the director. Then, if it’s a make-up job, we bring the actors in, cast them and sculpt the make-ups. Usually the make-ups are made out of silicone, so we have to make the silicone appliances and then either myself, Martin or Joe go on set and we apply the make-ups for the run of the show; we’re pretty much there until they’re done filming.
Totally useless fact: The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
the monster man What is the make-up process like for the make-up artist? We usually hear how long and arduous it is from the actors’ points of view. We used to get a lot more time when we’re on set to apply the make-up, but budgets, and the economy in general, make it so that doing a really good make-up job is much shorter than it was six years ago. We have to find a way to streamline the make-up enough that we can get it on the actor in the shortest amount of time, but still get that quality. The thing for me is that when I get on set, the time that I’m actually doing the make-up is the time that I’m being creative, and that’s the fun part. The hard part is being on set for the next 8 to 13 hours to maintain the make-up throughout the day. You stick by your actor, watching the make-up closely, because the cameras they’re using now are so high-def they see everything. With movies like Pirates of the Caribbean having such a massive scale of a film, what was the process like with so many different actors and so many different looks going on? Just to be very clear, when I worked on that movie, that was another company I didn’t own. I was a hired artist, so it was me and a whole group of artists working on that. Basically when they came in, we created these designed looks for all of them, including Barbosa, that were very specific to make them have the scars and teeth and weathered look. We did not do Johnny, he did his own look. I did not go on set; I was in the shop sculpting and creating some of the appliances and make-up tests, but there were a lot of pirates in that move and a lot of artists that were there every single day having to maintain them. That would’ve been tough. They’re on a ship too, so trying to do make-up touchups on a ship probably isn’t that easy either.
With so many production houses now relying on CG in their films, how has that effected your work and what adjustments have you had to make? Well, about 8 or 9 years ago, CG started coming in and replacing what would have been practical effects. A lot of it is monsters and creatures; they definitely have found ways of doing them in CG and it makes it easier on a lot of levels for the director to shoot the film. Luckily, old age make-ups and character make-ups have not necessarily been overrun by CG. It’s still a lot of appliances, so we’ve made sure we focus on what is still being utilized. I can say this, I think due to some of the bigger CG films that did not make the money that some of the studios thought they would make, directors and producers right now are gearing more towards trying to do more practical effects and looking at it as a challenge, which is really cool. What’s the most difficult project you’ve worked on? A film that I directed a few years ago, a family film called “Monster Mutt.” It’s a film for 8-year-olds, but my cast had two young kids, 9 and 12, a guy in a giant animatronic dog-creature suit, a real dog that had to play off the animatronic dog, multiple puppets, make-ups, and other animals. I don’t know what I was thinking when I came up with the storyline, but I put in there everything that they tell you not to put in. There were definitely days when you had to keep the camera rolling and just try and get the scene. What would you say is your favorite project that you’ve done? I have to say, I really enjoyed working on the Smurfs. It was a long shoot, but the Montreal crew was really good, everyone was really nice. The directors and producers on the film were really cool, cooler than I’m used to dealing with. They really had my back and I appreciated it. It’s not often that you have people that high-caliber that are looking out for you. The shoot was fun too because it was light and comedic, as a kid’s movie. And Hank (Azaria), as the Gargamel character, whether you’re a kid or not, was just funny as hell. It was just so much fun to watch him perform, and it was simple because it was just one make-up. I’d like to add that I’d like to give credit to my team here at Illusion, because it’s the team that make this happen. I’d like to give credit to my business partner Ronald L. Halvas, my two key artists Joe Colwell and Martin Astles, and my administration and production coordinators Adam Walls and Jane Pfeister. You’re only as good as your team, and I’ve got the best team around.
Totally useless fact: Duddley DoRight’s horse’s name was “Horse”.
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GREAT-GRANDMA’S GORY NEIGHBORS
Top 5 by Kelly Herman
Graves Many a famous dead person have been visited over the years, from Morrison to Presley, but the really impressive grave sites are those that haunt our minds, cause our souls to shiver, and make us crap our pants in utter terror. Shakespeare’s is pretty rad, but none will give you goosebumps like these gruesome graves.
Logierait Parish Church, Scotland – Mortsafes Plots sit with giant, iron cages molded over top of them. Rusted and vacant, they look like the site of a terrifying zombie story that nearly came true. Disappointingly, this isn’t the idea Victorians had in mind when they constructed these peoplesized cages. They were merely put there to keep graverobbers from getting in and stealing their precious body parts. Damn rich people being greedy with their freshly deceased livers and spleens. The thought of a zombie popping up in there over 200 years later is creepy enough as it is, but when you consider that some of the cages are child sized … let’s not think about that. 14
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Manaton, Devon, England – Kitty Jay In the middle of a crossroad sits one lonely grave: The grave of a young woman who committed suicide. She was denied a church plot due to the disgrace she faced from the religious drama queens of the 1700s, and planted 6 feet under in the center of a pathway. Poor Kitty’s grave sits alone there, in the hopes that her spirit remains confused and can not find its way to the afterlife, but one sympathetic soul continues to this day to place flowers on her grave. No one has claimed the floral tributes, but at least Kitty has a visitor once in a while, while she waits for eternity.
Chicago, United States – Inez Clarke In 1880, Inez Clarke was struck by lightning and killed at the age of six. Instead of just letting her rest in peace like normal people, her parents commissioned a life-size sculpture of her sitting in a chair, holding a parasol and a flower, that now sits in a glass case on top of her grave. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want a huge depiction of myself sitting on top of me for the rest of my life … er, death. Unless they made my lower half into a horse body, because centaurs are cool as fudge. Anyway, besides this already creepy grave being super creepy, there have been instances of children visiting the cemetery and telling their parents that they’ve just played with a young girl wearing “old fashioned” clothes.
Cimetière du PèreLachaise, Paris, France – Princess Elisabeth Demidoff Like I said, Jim Morrison and other inhabitants of PèreLachaise, such as Oscar Wilde and Edith Piaf, are frequently visited every year. One not-socommonly visited grave is that of Russian Princess Elisabeth, whose life ended as a wealthy woman in a loveless marriage … and also as a complete Nutter Butter. In her will, she challenged anyone to millions of her fortune for spending a week inside her mausoleum without becoming as bonkers as she was. Although many have tried, none have been able to claim her fortune by staying the full week. Who wouldn’t want to at least see the outside of that thing? *Insert spine shivers.*
Totally useless fact: Only humans and horses have hymens.
true or false!
& S H T MY S D N E G E L
l Sutphin By Danie
Them d n i h e B ) s e tory(Li any urban legends that turn S e h t d n a ends Similar can be said of the mhile some start as fact, morostugh g e L n a b r U t! ies. W nd th Spot the Nothe word of mouth. Despiteethitosd of circulatedcoormdmowunnitright false over thnseayroeaursnda the world. urate m ls fast by e most acc th News trave s y a ne” game lw a t it’s no e “Telepho th s a st Ju swiftness, provided on. formation in g informati e in rr th e l, sf o n o the a tr sch change by s in grade to u re to su d is le a le reve peop of a line of at the start d. ches its en time it rea
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FOOD ORIGINS
The term “hot dog” was coined in the early 1900s by a cartoonist who couldn’t spell “dachshund.”
A choice cut of beef taken from t he upper hindquarter (i.e., t he loin) of a cow is called “sirloin” because an English king was so deligh ted wit h
his meal t hat he knighted t he meat, dubbing it “Sir Loin.”
for Graham crackers were named althy a man who believed that unhe diets led to sexual excess. Totally useless fact: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
The French dip sand wich was invented to appe ase a restaurant patron wh o complained about st ale bread. campus talk
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true or false!
MYTHSLED&! A E V E R LEGENDS By Daniel Sutphin
THE T RUTH EXPOSED! cker. a r c a n a er a nut th minist
e: More er Graham, a Presbytedryifainngers and k a s e m a g to “La ker N Sylvest ting
m Crac
a The Grah
cordin erend ced ea Convin ing. Ac ter Rev ful liv med af that s diet. h a u t n o l , i a t e m c h e arned fa t, abst also w c cate of as, in e i o w H r v t . d r s m e a s k ded a d ac ariani commen mer an omoted ham Cr l veget and re ham pr l refor a a a r t The Gra i r e o c t G t o a , h-fiber d s e w t f a hig he urge k only came a Barnet erits o who be xcess, artha to drin m e M s e l y r h a b e t u w r ,” x o G aham touted nful se ummies ent of ed foll s to si He also Nun’s T ngredi ty, urg d . i i r a n n e e a i l h s t a t n a nd fa - the m ause i s of we meat a tchup c t flour ardles and ke d whea pen reg e ur. d o t r f s i a w t s e o s n t d u i flo mu e’s win emade ned wh n m i o f o e h h r t f i f o gw e use tead o sleepin rs, ins oted th d prom Cracke diet an
ir Loin” The Knigh ting of “S
s is untrue. Fun idea, but no, t hi gan as ‘surloyn’ or The word ‘sirloin’ be from , similar to origins ‘surloine’ in English word ‘surlonge’ (‘sur t he Middle French meaning ‘over’ and la longe’), wit h ‘sur’ which makes sense ‘long’ meaning ‘loin’, cut of beef taken since a sirloin is a . from above t he loin
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The Coining of “Hot Do g” Despite th
e popularity of this myt phrase “Ho h, the t Dog” was not coined York Journa by a New l cartoonist , but rather result of jo was the kes about sausages b from dogs, eing made and dachsh unds lookin sausages. Th g like e term “ho t dog,” used slang refere as a nce to a na ttily-dressed appeared as fe llow, early as 1894 , with the wo “dog,” and rd later “hot dog” being the sausag applied to e-in-a-bun combinatio already bec n. It had ome a com monly used the time th phrase by e New York Journal cart would have oonist supposedly invented it.
The French Dip
The origins of this minimalistic, but amazing, sandwich is often debated. Two restaurants in Los Angeles, Philippe (also
called “Philippe’s”) and Cole’s (a.k.a Cole’s Pacific Electric Buffet), both claim to be the birthplace of the French Dip with the support of varying explanations of its creation.
Totally useless fact: In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
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Whistle while you twerk
Twerk By Kevin Kage (Pearson)
Your Life
Away Ever been to a strip club or watched a rapper’s music video? If so, then you may be wondering what the recent fascination is with gyrating hips and the violent, earthquake-like shaking of girls’ rear-ends. Twerking has been going on for years, but only now is making headlines. Twerking can be seen in many rap videos in the 1990s and early 2000s, such as Nelly’s “Tip Drill” and the Ying Yang Twins’ “Whistle While You Twurk.” At the 2013 Video Music Awards, Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus had a controversial dance routine, where Miley not only shocked her former Disney-based fans, but she also probably sent Billy Ray to the hospital for an achy breaky heart. If it was publicity she was looking for, it was publicity she got. She made headlines overnight, and her name was the top Google search. 18
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When Britney Spears took it to the extreme, she did not do a single performance or record a song. Instead, she shaved her head and was in and out of rehab. Her financial gain was from all the tabloids and media trying to exploit her lifestyle choices. Even South Park made an episode about Spears and her actions in 2008. The writers ended the episode by insinuating that Miley Cyrus would be the next girl that America harasses – a wise prediction on their part. Now, Miley is taking after Britney with that godforsaken hair and naughty girl reputation, but it’s the twerking that has gotten all the attention. How to level up your twerk Having trouble with your dance moves? Gyrating the hips can be difficult for some people, and a few modifications need to be made to your workout routine to
Twerk terms:
help you out. Squats and dead lifts tone the muscles of the glutes and hamstrings, giving a person more control of their rear end. Weight training not an option? Then try the stair master! This will help the same muscle group and burn calories. Twerking with your hands on the floor and feet on the wall will also work your shoulders like a handstand pushup! Where NOT to twerk Hoax or not, it’s probably better not to twerk on a door with your feet up high and your hands on the floor. Your roommate might open the door causing you to plummet to the floor, and with everyone uploading videos of their friends twerking, your roommate may do the same. Before you know it, Tosh.0 is asking you for a redemption. • Do not twerk in the bed of a moving truck on the highway. • Do not twerk at a funeral.
Urban dictionary defines the slang term twerk as: The rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal or laughter in ones intended audience. Shockingly, Oxford dictionary added twerk, along with selfie, to their online dictionary in August 2013 due to popular demand and search history. Oxford defines twerk as a verb meaning: Dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance. Here are some other “twerms”:
Twerk Attack When the muscles of the butt (glutes) start to spasm and one can no longer stand straight. This is an indication to eat a banana (no sexual innuendo intended) for potassium. Whootie A white girl with booty. (Facts and figures based on Zumba) Kevin Kage is a personal trainer and manager at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics in Gainesville, Florida. He writes fitness related articles for Campus Talk, Flourish Magazine, and SwoleScience.com. For more, see youtube.com/ KevinKageMMA and visit F2Arena.com *An estimated 179 calories are burned while twerking for 20 minutes at a medium intensity level.
Totally useless fact: Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.
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Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺ´ Ĺś Ä…Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś ĹˆĹś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺˆ Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺˆ Ĺś Ĺś Ĺś Ĺˆ Ĺś Ĺś
A P P LY O N L I N E @ U N I V E R S I T Y C L U B A P T S . C O M Ä…Ä‡Ä„ÄŒÄ…ÄŠÄ‚ÄŒÄ‹ÄŠÄ‹Ä‹ĹśÄ“ĹśÄ„Ä‹Ä‚Ä‚Ĺś ŜĄą Ĺś
Totally useless fact: Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
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charted
my daily thoughts
why i’m going to be homeless
anything
talents I have
talents that make people money
things I can do for my wife breathing eating work
eating
how congress operates
potential partner attributes insane
single
attractive just friends things we need/want
ugly unavailable
mentally stable
things congress does
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Totally useless fact: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
MULTIPLE WAYS TO REACH NEW CUSTOMERS.
352-371-5881 SALES@WHPINC.COM 2
Flourish Magazine | Mar/2013
Quote here. Person Name
don’t stop now!
it’s really
T that O N
complicated! By Daniel Sutphin
5
illustration By jane dominguez
1 As roundabouts become more common practice on inner-city roadways in America, it’s becoming equally obvious that most motorists, bicyclists and pedestrians remain untrained in the practice of to how to properly navigate this inherently simple action. Thus, getting caught in a roundabout stalemate is quite inevitable and, depending on the sensitivity of your road-rage trigger, a cause for BLACK-OUT-LEVEL PROPORTIONS OF ANGER AND HATRED, AS WELL AS BORDER-LINE LITERAL DESIRES FOR INFLICTING BLOODY MURDER!!!! (Deep breath. Deep breath.) Having often been caught in such maddening dilemmas (deep breath), especially as schools of novice motorists flood the town with each new semester (deep breath), it has become clear that it might be beneficial to provide some tips and rules of the roundabout, if for no other reason than to prevent ourselves from receiving reckless driving tickets and/or potential murder charges. 22
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Figure 1:
A. When approaching a roundabout, DO NOT stop to observe the area, or more commonly, to send some frivolous text. B. Try the correct process of reducing your speed to 10-15 mph and proceed into the intersection. If there is already traffic in the roundabout, then you can yield and/or stop.
Totally useless fact: Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
don’t stop now!
Figure 2: A. When approaching a roundabout and needing to turn left, DO NOT just say, “F*ck it,” and turn left at the splitter island. B. Keep to the right of the island, so you don’t cause an accident and ruin the day for some unsuspecting motorist because you were too lazy or incompetent to follow a clearly designated rule.
4
Figure 4: A. After entering the roundabout,
DO NOT repeatedly start and stop as you make your way through. Sorry that the science behind such primitive directions has bested your mental processes, but that’s just annoying and hazardous. B. Continue forward as the roundabout, by name, implies. The only reason you should stop once in the roundabout is to avoid a collision.
3
2
STOP SIGNS: a thing of the past
Figure 3: A. When approaching a roundabout, DO NOT wait until the last second to figure out which street you need. B. Try thinking ahead and use your TURN SIGNAL (since that’s what it’s there for) to inform the other drivers of your destination ahead of time.
Figure 5: A. After entering the roundabout, if you miss your street DO NOT stop and back up or perform some other shenanigan you might neurotically invent on the spot. B. Travel around the ROUNDabout again and exit at your desired street. For more information and tips on roundabouts, visit www.dot.state.fl.us.
In regards to the adoption of roundabouts, the Florida Department of Transportation stated that they allow traffic to move safely and efficiently through an intersection. The benefits of this are said to include reduction of speeds, reduction in pollution and fuel use, reduction in the severity of accidents, and increase in time for drivers to judge and react to other vehicles and pedestrians. These benefits, however, remain out of reach in the common, more-realistic dilemma that most of us have experienced, since so many roundabout users seem to just ignore the signs and rules, opting to either hurl themselves headlong into the intersection without any regard for their surroundings, or over-cautiously stop and go all the way around it.
Be sure to keep your eyes open when implementing these guidelines, because MOST PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE MORONS! campus talk
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COUNTRY QUEEN
Country Magic Doreen Taylor Award-winning singer and actress Doreen Taylor is pushing the boundaries. She’s given a whole new meaning to country music, and she’s just getting started. This “sky’s the limit” kind of gal is here to discuss with me her exciting new album, her experiences as a songwriter and her big plans for the future.
Interview by Lauren Douglass Photo by Bobby Quillard
Have you been playing music all your life? I’ve always loved music. Even as a child, I would pick up an instrument and somehow I would know how to play it. It was this weird gift that I had been given, but I didn’t think it could be a career path until later.
We tie in unique elements like a Vegas show, even a little Broadway, where actors come out and interact with the audience. We have a story, major special effects and a huge video wall. It’s very interactive and high energy.
Can you describe your album? The album is called Magic. It’s my debut solo “country album,” but it’s really like country pop with this funk in there. I have the country flavor, but it’s definitely kick-ass music when you see my live show – we blow it off the charts with this intensity and energy.
What are some of the fun aspects of being on tour? I love the bonding. You become a family with the people you work with. I’m best friends with my tour manager. It’s a wonderful experience being able to play in different cities and seeing the turnout. It’s great to see that we’re spreading across the country and people are listening.
How did the album come about? I went into this not knowing that we’d have this much success. A lot of people think, “OK, I’m making an album to make a lot of money.” For me, that’s not why I went in. I’ve been a songwriter ever since I can remember. I have thousands of songs in my head, and I didn’t want to die without passing them on. What is a concert of yours like? It’s really crazy! [Laughs]. The show isn’t want you’d think; it’s not a traditional rock concert. 24
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What part of your personality do you think got you to where you are today? I don’t give up. Ever. If I want something and I really believe that it’s what I’m supposed to do, there’s nothing in this world that can stop me. Trust me, this industry can break even the strongest person, but I’m persistent and I persevere. I keep fighting until they carry me out dead!
Have you had to make some difficult choices along the way? Absolutely. I’ve made so many sacrifices, things that most people take for granted. I don’t have children, or a husband or even a boyfriend! My career just won’t allow me to have those things. Thanksgivings are on the road. A lot of times I haven’t been with my family, because I’m away, eating Lean Cuisine at a computer screen. I’ve had to give them up for a while to follow this dream. What do you have in mind for future goals? Right now, we have a national mini-tour going on. We’re amping up and doing a larger arena in September 2014, so that will be bigger. I’m getting back into the studio to record a follow-up album; I’ll be working with some amazing talent on that. I’m partnering with a major national charity to write an anthem for them. I’m going to a tour in radio stations and TV stations across the country, doing PSA’s for them as well. Every day, I’m scheduling new things; the sky’s the limit. Be sure to check out Doreen Taylor’s new album, Magic! Available now!
Totally useless fact: About 1/3 of all Americans say they flush the toilet while sitting.
play with yourself
r e b o OCt GO FIGURE
CROS SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: In 1969, the last Corvair was painted gold.
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C RYP UOTE TO Q
even star map
hocus focus
exc hange
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bridge hands
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Totally useless fact: The real name of the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady is Edith Fore.
you sooooo cheated
r e b o t C O
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank?
Totally useless fact: Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman.
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
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www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida
@ Gainesville
Totally useless fact: Lenny Kravitz’s mother played the part of “Helen” on “The Jeffersons.”
hahahaha
Remember
send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, could I get a beer please?” The bartender looks at him, shaking his head, and says, “No, we don’t serve food here.” The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a Fungi!”
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a single person in it...
A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: “All I know for sure is that it was a partner – he made me do all the work.” Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
Did you hear about the new French Army tank? It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
Totally useless fact: Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
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The Best of the Worst: Mascots
Top By Mike Capshaw
40
Best Worst High School
Mascots Far Beyond Lions, Tigers, and Bears! Oh My! What Were They Thinking? There are countless ways to choose a mascot. Often, there’s historical significance or tradition behind it. Sometimes, mascots are inspired by real people or animals. Then, there are times when a school’s mascot leaves us scratching our heads, wondering, “What were they thinking?” All in good fun, here’s our list of the best of the worst high school mascots from around the country.
Centralia (Ill.) Orphans (boys) & Annies (girls) Point Pleasant (W.V.)
Big Blacks
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Every mascot has its own unique story. One of our favorites is the history of the Centralia (III.) High Orphans in Illinois. Around the depression, Centralia’s basketball team took the floor for a game with players in mismatched shorts, with some even wearing pants. One radio host commented, “Centralia looks like a bunch of orphans out there.” The name stuck, and the rest is history. Totally useless fact: Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.
The Best of the Worst: Mascots
Totally useless fact: A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.
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bosom friends
The Brief History of the
Bra
It’s Breast Cancer Awareness month, and although that’s a scary subject, talking about our “breast friends” doesn’t have to be. Learn a thing or two about Victoria’s greatest secret and Madonna’s most famous accessory: The bra. by Kelly Herman
The first bra prototype, patented by Henry Lesher, was made with shields to absorb perspiration and had inflatable pads.
a
In Great Britain, the first bra was made with silk and wire.
a
The word brassiere first appeared in Vogue, U.S.
The “Backless Brassiere” was made by Mary Phelps Jacob, by putting together silk handkerchiefs with pink ribbon and cord.
a
a
Women were asked to stop buying corsets by the U.S War Industries Board in an effort to decrease the use of metal, and conserve enough to build two battleships. Oxford English Dictionary includes the word brassiere.
a 32
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a
The Flapper era’s boyish figure is born when bras began to be shaped more like bandeaus. They were attached to corsets by a clip, and provided almost no bust definition.
a
Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
bosom friends
Cup sizes were invented by Ida and William Rosenthal and became the modern system of bra categorizing.
WWII gave rise to the militaryinfluenced terminology “Torpedo” and “Bullet” for the conical bra shapes said to be designed for “maximum protection.”
The first bikini-style swimwear was invented by Louis Reard, named after the nuclear weapons test site, Bikini Atoll, because the new suits were said to cause such explosive excitement.
a
a
a
Bullet bras become the hottest trend of the 50s after Madienform introduces its pointy Chansonette bra.
Louise Poirier invented the WonderBra for Canadelle lingerie company.
a
The Rising Star, designed by Mr. Frederick Mellinger, was the first push-up bra (and very aptly named).
a
Atlantic City unwittingly hosts the first bra-burning protest at the Miss America Pageant.
a
a
A cup = 8 oz. C cup = 21 oz. B cup = 13 oz. D cup = 27 oz.
Source - Online Dating University infographic
Victoria’s Secret was founded by Roy Raymond after he realized men would be more comfortable buying their significant others lingerie through a catalogue.
The first sports bra is created when Hinda Miller and Lisa Lindahl sew together two jockstraps, naming it the Jogbra.
Underwear hits the streets after Madonna dons her cone bra corset during her Blond Ambition tour.
a Totally useless fact: The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright.
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ELBOWS OFF
A Man’s Guide
by Kelly Herman
to Etiquette
I know, a guide for men written by a woman. The first thing to think is, “What qualifies this armpit-shaver to tell us how to act, and why do WE need it when women don’t?” Well, women do need this guide, to start off with. There are tons of people, male and female, who are not practicing very good manners on a daily basis. Why is it directed toward men, then? Because men tend to scoff at the idea of “manners” and “etiquette” while women at least acknowledge that good manners are necessary, even if they are not used. I do not have qualifications, sadly, for teaching you what good manners are and why you should use them, but I do have the internet. Close enough.
What is Etiquette? Etiquette and manners are one in the same. Everyone uses them, everyone has them, including the guy that always picks his nose on the bus. The concept of manners, however, must be qualified. Picking your nose openly in public is bad manners. Picking your nose in the privacy of a bathroom stall, or discreetly so no one sees you flicking it later is good manners. Both are considered etiquette, or how you act and treat others, but there are ranges of bad, acceptable and good manners. Why should I use Good Manners? Men see typical acts of good manners, or chivalry, as ridiculous. Good etiquette is natural, though, not stuffy. Good manners aren’t a self-conscious thing; you just do them when you’re focusing on other people, and by doing what good manners call for, you make others feel more comfortable around you. If I had to choose a friend, or a mate for that matter, based on either introducing me to new people at a party or based on their winning streak at flip cup, I would pick the person who could do the former. This doesn’t mean you can’t dominate at guzzling beer; it just means that people prefer others who make them feel at ease and respected. 34
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Where do I start? You don’t have to start by keeping your elbows off the table, cause that is just insanely hard to do like why would anyone eat like that, come on. You do have to start paying attention, to others and yourself. Try and see yourself through your friends’ and relatives’ eyes by pickin’ up on what they’re puttin’ down, ya dig? Here are a few examples of practicing good etiquette:
If your mom tells you that you chew like a cow, that means you chew with your mouth open and it disgusts her. Be aware of fixing that, instead of proceeding to MOOOOOOO loudly and laugh so hard you choke on your Fruit Loops. If your girlfriend buys you a shirt or pants that are typically nicer than you would wear, it probably means you are a sloppy dresser and don’t present yourself well to others. I know ironing a T-shirt sounds superfluous, but at least hang it up when it’s warm out of the dryer instead of leaving it in a crumpled pile of laundry. Dressing nicely for others, even in casual situations, is also a sign of respect. You can go a long way with showing others the respect they desire and deserve … especially your girlfriend. *Exaggerated wink wink*
What do I get out of it? Being a decent human being should be enough. Right? Well, you also get the satisfaction of being the person everyone else wants to be around. If you are well-mannered, you put others ahead of yourself and they simply like being around you more. You get far more out of being respectful to others than you get out of being self-centered. Decent etiquette also boosts your confidence in any situation; if you practice good manners for long enough, you will be able to see a pattern for how to act in unfamiliar situations, so when you’re invited to your mom’s friend’s son’s cousin’s wedding, you’ll have mental guidelines to help you navigate what is appropriate for how to dress and act. Basically, you’ll never look like a doof again because you’ll always know what to do. Yes, weddings and funerals are the absolute worst, whether it be because of the dead people, drunk people or the family members. But it gives you a reason to go on vacation, and to wear those fancy spats you’ve never had the chance to don. You also get to make people happy just by being there, even if that means letting your niece beat you at Wii golf. Manners.
If your dad tells you to wear dark clothes to your great-aunt’s funeral, don’t just show up in jeans because they’re “dark.” You’re not only disrespecting your great-aunt whose Christmas cards delivered $5 every year, but you’re also disrespecting the others who dressed up, while simultaneously making an ass out of yourself. Flip-flops? Really? If your roommate is usually very neat but starts leaving junk and dishes around the house, it might be because that’s what you do. Others can get apathetic when they have to put up with your B.S., so clean up after yourself. You’re a big person now with big responsibilities. You don’t have to like them, but you do have to live with your roommate for another five months. Be courteous and recycle the 400 empty boxes of Velveeta pasta sitting next to the trash can. See, that wasn’t so painful, was it? With good manners, you get out what you put into your relationships with people and the situations you’re in. Even if you don’t always feel reciprocated for your respectful manners toward others just remember that you are still a gentleman, even if others are not. You’re also the only person you have to hang out with 24/7. Do you want to hang out with a d-bag or a dapper young man? Well … I know my answer.
Totally useless fact: Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.
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Not valid with other coupons, specials or discount offers. Most vehicles. Up to 5 quarts. Visit JiffySE.com for participating locations. Jiffy Lube, the Jiffy Lube design mark and Jiffy Lube Signature Service® are registered trademarks of Jiffy Lube International, Inc. ©2013 Jiffy Lube International, Inc. All rights reserved. Expires: 1/15/14 CODE: GB10
$
OFF EXPIRES: 01/15/14
Purchase a combination dinner (1–23) and get one free. 3265 SW 34th Street, Suite 3 352-519-5322
BUY 1 BUY 1 BUY 1 HOT DOG
HOT DOG HOT DOG GET ONE GET ONE GET ONE
Offer Valid 7/22/13-1/6/14 Offer Valid 7/22/13-1/6/14
FREE FREE FREE
*ValidOFFER at participating Gainesville, FLTO Kangaroo Express stores only VALID 7-22-13 1-6-14 *Valid at participating Gainesville, FL Kangaroo Express stores only Offer Valid 7/22/13-1/6/14
*VALID AT PARTICIPATING GAINESVILLE, FL KANGAROO EXPRESS STORES ONLY
*Valid at participating Gainesville, FL Kangaroo Express stores only
gatorbucks.com
BUY 1 GET 1 FREE
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
W/ PURCHASE OF TWO 22OZ FOUNTAIN DRINKS
DINE IN ONLY. NOT VALID W/OTHER COUPON OR SPECIAL OFFERS OR ON COMBOS. LIMIT ONE PER PERSON.
www.gatorbucks.com
BUY ONE GET ONE
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FREE
Dinner:
4005 SW 40TH BLVD. 352-336-3188
mirakujapenesesteakhouse.com
CLOSED MONDAYS
SUNDAY–THURSDAY: 4PM–10PM FRIDAY–SATURDAY: 4PM–11PM
FREE ENTREE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
Miraku Japanese Steakhouse
Located at 34th Street and W. University Ave. Cold Beer, Cigarettes, Ice, and all the snacks you want. Stop by Paradise for all your needs.
CHEVRON
Checkout Our Full Menu at: www.piesanostogo.com
(352) 371 7437 (352) 371 8646
YOU CAN FIND MORE LIKE THESE IN GATOR BUCKS
0''
"/:
8*5) 163$)"4&
1*5" 03 4"-"%
Valid CAMPUS ONLY
Valid IN STORE ONLY
CAMPUS
EXP 01-15-14
1702 W. University Ave 352.692.4400
5200 NW 43rd St. (Hunters Crossing) (352) 371 7437
5757 SW 75th St. (Tower Square) (352) 371 8646
CHEVRON
Checkout Our Full Menu at: www.piesanostogo.com
0' "/: $0.#0
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
ONLY $16.95
LARGE 3-TOPPING PIZZA
Order on-line at www.pitapit2go.com
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FREE
BREADSTICKS OR 1/2 DOZEN GARLIC ROLLS WITH PURCHASE OF ANY MEDIUM PIZZA OR LARGER
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
(TAKE OUT ONLY. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON, OFFER, OR DISCOUNT. PLEASE MENTION COUPON WHEN ORDERING.)
www.gatorbucks.com
ANY PURCHASE OF $10 OR MORE
$2 OFF
Minimum $10 merchandise or 8 gallons of gasoline. Not Valid on Lottery, money orders, bill pay
EXPIRES 01/15/14
mirakujapenesesteakhouse.com
4005 SW 40TH BLVD. 352-336-3188
CLOSED MONDAYS
SUNDAY–THURSDAY: 4PM–10PM FRIDAY–SATURDAY: 4PM–11PM
Dinner:
FREE ENTREE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
Miraku Japanese Steakhouse
Located at 34th Street and W. University Ave. Stop by Paradise for all your needs.
COLD BEER s CIGARETTES s SNACKS s ICE www.gatorbucks.com
Miraku
a leader in Teppanyaki
$5 OFF
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
any purchase of $25 or more www.gatorbucks.com
Reitz Union ground floor 352-392-1637 www.union.ufl.edu/games
Rattlesnake bites or Cheese Fries
WITH PURCHASE OF ANY ENTREE. DINE IN, MON–THURS ONLY. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFERS. 1 PER TABLE PER VISIT PLEASE. EXPIRES 01/15/14
=VcY
2800 SW 2nd Avenue Gainesville, FL 32607 AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
MARK BOSTICK GOLF COURSE
OPEN LATE GREAT FOOD MADE FRESH DELIVERED FAST
GAINESVILLE FL 3857 SW ARCHER RD
WINGHOUSE.COM
352.372.9464
www.gatorbucks.com
EXP 01/15/14
&2%% MUST PRESENT COUPON AT TIME OF PURCHASE. LIMIT ONE (1) COUPON PER PERSON PER VISIT.
'%4 /.% "!'
BUY ONE BAG OF RANGE BALLS, www.gatorbucks.com
2800 SW 2nd Avenue Gainesville, FL 32607 AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
MARK BOSTICK GOLF COURSE
TerrysAutoService.com
go online for even more coupons CANNOT USE WITH ANY OTHER COUPON. MONDAYS ONLY.
EXPIRES: 1/15/14
REGULAR PRICE OF OIL CHANGE
OFF www.gatorbucks.com
DELIVERY ALL DAY AND NIGHT
1/2 OFF BURGER BASKET
1/2 LB
MONDAY
BURGURMANIA Order Online at wingzone.com ENTIRE PURCHASE
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923 West University Ave. 352.377.2473 Delivering the best wings in Gainesville since 1991
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DEALS FOR GREAT
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NOT REDEEMABLE FOR CASH, CANNOT BE USED WITH ANY OTHER OFFERS. MUST BE PRESENTED PRIOR TO SERVICE. EXP 01/15/14
NOW SERVING WINGSTREET!
Oaks Mall & Tower Rd. 332-0032 13th Street & Downtown 338-1776 order online: www.pizzahut.com
Northwest & Midtown: 373-7733 On Campus & Archer Rd. 374-4440
Corner of Univ Ave & 34th St, 3425 W University Ave 377-7666
CUT ST E A K S
.com
923 W University Ave
FEATURE 352.377.2473
6501 SW Archer Rd.
377-2886
r Brakes r A/C Repair r r Tune-Ups r Tires r r Alternators r CV Axles r r & much, much more! r
go online for even more coupons
TerrysAutoService.com
3830 SW Archer Rd (352) 377-2820
Fall
(352) 338-1068 WWW.SUSHI-2-GO.COM
FREE 3830 SW Archer Rd (352) 377-2820
www.gatorbucks.com
DC:
;G::
W/COUPON. ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER
ONE COUPON PER PERSON PER VISIT
Reitz Union ground floor 352-392-1637 www.union.ufl.edu/games
WHEN YOU ORDER ANY SUSHI ROLL AND A SMALL FOUNTAIN SODA
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
<6B: D; 7DLA>C<
www.gatorbucks.com
$1 OFF
(IN-STORE PURCHASE ONLY. MUST PRESENT COUPON AT TIME OF ORDERING. NOT VALID FOR DELIVERY.) CANNOT BE USED WITH THE 3 ROLLS FOR $10 DISCOUNT OR ANY OTHER OFFERS
EXPIRES: 1/15/14
(352) 338-1068 WWW.SUSHI-2-GO.COM
www.gatorbucks.com
$10 OFF
any purchase over $50.00
NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON, CLEARANCE ITEMS OR ITEMS ENDING WITH $.55. NOT APPLICABLE TO PRIOR PURCHASES. COUPON CAN ONLY BE USED ONCE PER DAY/PER PERSON. COUPON CAN’T BE USED ON NEW BATS OVER $150.00. IN STOCK ITEMS ONLY.
Not valid w/
pizzas only. or Hand-tossed e: L3 other offers. Cod
LY. Valid a offerings. Not valid w/ any CARRYOUT ON limited time pizz
, Thin ‘n Crispy on regular Pan
9 JUST $6
LARGE PIZZA 1-TOPPING 9
Oaks Mall & Tower Rd. 332-0032 13th Street & Downtown 338-1776 order online: www.pizzahut.com
NOW SERVING WINGSTREET!
Northwest & Midtown: 373-7733 On Campus & Archer Rd. 374-4440
EXPIRES: 01/15/14
Corner of University Ave and 34th St, 3425 W University Ave 377-7666
www.gatorbucks.com
FAVO
ICA’S AMER RITE PIZZA
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EXP: 01/15/14
damned you siri
Y PL AP AY D O T
GREAT LOCATIONâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;WALK TO CLASS apply today @ royal village.com
Â&#x20AC;xÂ&#x161;n iÂ&#x20AC;Â&#x2026;j Â&#x2018; s Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x201A; jaÂ&#x201A;Â?Â&#x2022; Â&#x2018; iÂ&#x20AC;Â&#x2026;j Â&#x2018; s Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x201A; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2026;Â?Â&#x2026;Â?xÂ&#x201D; Â? Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x203A; Ă&#x2020; Â&#x2022;Â?v Â?a l nl Â?nÂ&#x2018;Â&#x2026;Â?Â&#x201D; Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D; Â?Â&#x20AC;n aÂ&#x201A; nÂ&#x192;xÂ&#x201D;xnÂ&#x2018; Ă&#x2020; xÂ&#x192;lxÂ&#x161;xlÂ&#x2022;aÂ&#x20AC; Â&#x20AC;na Â&#x2018;nÂ&#x2018; PÂ&#x2026;Â?aÂ&#x20AC;YxÂ&#x20AC;Â&#x20AC;avn jÂ&#x2026;Â&#x201A; Ă&#x2020; " Ă&#x2020; ! QZ /nÂ?Â&#x2026;Â&#x201D; $Â&#x161;n ž #
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october 2013
Totally useless fact: Charles de Gaulleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s final words were, â&#x20AC;&#x153;It hurts.â&#x20AC;?
damned you siri
THE WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S HAPPENING NETWORK
Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Happening Truck
Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.
Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.
Totally useless fact: Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.
Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.
From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.
campus talk
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october 2013
39
charted
when you realize the romote is across the room
online VS. Print
thinks print is dying bloggers wants a book deal
after you get into bed
before you get into bed
percntage of chart looks like pac-man
spork VS. FOON 99 percent of people call it a ‘SPORK’
looks like pac-man
doesn’t look like pac-man
40
campus talk
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october 2013
1 percent of people clinging to the desperate hope that ‘FOON’ will stage a late comeback
Totally useless fact: There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.
my rough life!
i’m too old for gummy vitamins so now i have to take the normal pill, ones that don’t have a delicious flavor
Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
Oct. 4: Swamptoberfest First Friday United Downtown Oct. 9: Zombie Town opens at The Hippodrome Oct. 12-13: Thornebrook Art Festival Oct. 14: Mamma Mia! at The Phillips Center Oct. 19-20: Butterfly Fest Oct. 25: Gainesville Artwalk Oct. 26: Florida Bat Festival Nov. 1: Go Gators! First Friday
Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
campus talk
@ Gainesville |
october 2013
41
plain talk
REP-SPEAK for
DUMMIES How to communicate with customer service representatives
42
campus talk
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october 2013
Totally useless fact: The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
plain talk
CAMPUS POST OFFICE & COPY SHOP
NEEDâ&#x20AC;&#x2C6;Aâ&#x20AC;&#x2C6;PASSPORT?
$1
OFF
BEER OR WINE
0- -)$.)'(4
16 OR 24OZ EVERYDAY '!-% $!93 $/. 4 !00,9
We are a U.S. Passport Acceptance Facility Passport Photos taken onÂsite
CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT
352Â392Â1134
LARGE SELECTION OF CRAFT BEER! 10 TAPS!
3030 Radio Road
(located across from Lakeside Residential Complex)
www.maildocserv.ufl.edu
.
.
.
.
.
.
Color Copies Posters Business Cards Brochures Stamps Pamphlets Booklets Copy Paper
CAMPUS 201SE 2nd Ave 352.692.4400
WE DELIVER! RELISH2GO.COM
DELIVERY FEE s NO HIDDEN FEES MUST BE PLACED ONLINE AT RELISH GO COM
FREE PARKING!
Totally useless fact: Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.
campus talk
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october 2013
43
Finding an Apartment
powered by collegerentals.com
Tips & Checklist
Before You Set Out: Make a shopping list.
Are you looking for hardwood floors, dishwasher, washer and dryer? Do you have enough parking space for you and your roommates? Does the whole apartment need to be painted in orange and blue? You may not find everything, but it doesn’t hurt to set priorities.
Cover the bases.
Many landlords will want to verify your references. Phone ahead to alert possible references, including your former landlord, that they may receive a call.
During the Search: Try to see the units in the daytime. You’ll want to know how much natural light an apartment gets. It’s helpful to see what shape the place is in and whether more work is needed to make it habitable.
Do a careful walk-through of any unit you’re serious about.
The best time to ask about repairs and improvements is before you commit. Attach a list of any damages to the lease, and have it initialed by your landlord so you’re not held responsible later. This is especially important in a college town. Who knows who may have lived in the apartment before you!
Take measurements.
Take measurements of your larger furnishings (and take along a tape measure) to see how your things will fit… or what things you’ll need to buy. Be realistic about the move. If you have a king-size waterbed, maybe the fourth floor isn’t the best spot for you.
Ask Questions.
The College Rentals Apartment Tips & Checklist provides a thorough list of questions to ask.
Meet the neighbors!
Will you live above or below someone; do you share walls? Knock on doors and introduce yourself. Find out if neighbors are friendly, how they feel about noise, what they like about the neighborhood. This is a good person to ask about the safety of a neighborhood. Landlords aren’t allowed to discuss such things, but your new neighbor will know if the place has bad lighting or a wild Rottweiler problem.
Visit as many places as you can…
so you’ll have a good idea of what your money buys. Use our Apartment Checklist as a guide to inspecting and comparing choices. Then be prepared to ACT QUICKLY when you find something you like! Lots of complexes are on the internet. While you shouldn’t rely too heavily on the web, it is a good lace to get started narrowing to a list of possibilities. Check out www.collegerentals.com.
ITEM APARTMENT NAME} 1) Amount of Rent? 2) Amount of Security Deposit? 3) Amount of Late Payment Penalty? 4) Pet Fee? 5) Individual Leases? 6) Size of Apartment? 7) Penalty for Breaking Lease? 8) Furnished? 9) Private Bathrooms? 10) Utilities Included? 11) Cable Included? 12) High-Speed Internet/Ethernet? 13) Allowed to Paint Walls? 14) Ample Power Outlets/Phone Jacks? 15) Kitchen Appliances in Good Condition? 16) Vaulted Ceilings? 17) Ceiling Fans? 18) Curtains and Blinds? 19) Fitness Center? Office on site? 20) Tennis Courts/Basketball/Volleyball? 21) Overall Condition of Apartment? 22) Plenty of Closet and Storage Space? 23) Security/Alarms? 24) Washer/Dryers or Laundry Facilities? 25) Convenient to School? 26) Convenient to Bus Routes? 27) Convenient to Stores? 28) Quiet Community or Active Area? 29) Ample Parking? 30) Convenient Visitor Parking? 31) Porch/Patio? 32) Garbage Dumpster Proximity? 33) Maid Service? 34) Smoke Detectors/Carbon Monoxide Detector? 35) Gated Entry?
campus talk
|
october 2013
Rentals Rentals
After You’ve Found It:
Read your lease thoroughly… and make sure you understand it. Don’t be afraid to ask! For example;
• What utilities are you responsible for? • H ow is the television reception? • Will you need cable? • I s there reference to existing wear or damage or a penalty for breaking the lease? • H ow does the management feel about subleases?
44
Enjoy.
No apartment is going to be perfect; how much you enjoy where you live is largely up to you. Meet the people at the complex, and you’ll enjoy your living experience much more than if you stay indoors, drinking alone. Hang out at the pool. Play some basketball. Throw a party. No matter how you feel about the physical space you occupy, new friends can make you feel right at home.
Totally useless fact: Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
Frequent Q&A My landlord refuses to make repairs, what can I do?
Hopefully you have kept a record of when you first reported the problem and asked that repairs be made. Be sure to document in writing each and every report and complaint made to the landlord. Keep a notebook next to the phone for recording conversations with your landlord. For each conversation, write the date, time, name of the person with whom you spoke, and what was said by each party to the conversation. If the landlord fails to make repairs within a reasonable time, you can report the problems to the city housing code office and ask for an inspection. If violations of the housing code are found, ask your landlord for a partial refund of the rent for the period of time that the violation existed. You may be able to either withhold your rent or terminate your lease if the problem constitutes a material breach of the lease or the landlord’s statutory duty to provide and maintain a reasonably safe and habitable dwelling. You must follow the exact requirements of Florida Statute 83.56. You must give the landlord a written notice demanding the repairs be made in seven days. The notice must indicate your intention to terminate the lease or withhold rent if the repairs are not made. The notice should be hand delivered or sent by certified mail. Be sure and keep a copy of the letter. This is a complicated process and the legal consequences are very serious. You should consult Student Legal Services before attempting to terminate your lease or withhold rent.
Can I deduct repair costs from my rent?
No. Florida Law does not authorize you to make repairs or to recover the cost of such repairs. In fact, most apartment leases prohibit repairs by tenants. Therefore, if you want to make repairs and deduct the cost from the rent, you must obtain prior consent from your landlord.
Can my landlord raise my rent during my lease term?
Not unless the lease contains a specific provision allowing for a rent increase. From the tenant’s perspective, one of the primary reasons for having a written lease is to lock in the rent for the rental period. READ THE LEASE BEFORE YOU SIGN IT. Normally, you should not sign a lease providing for a rent increase.
Can I break my lease if I have good reason? “I am graduating?” NO! “My roommate left?” NO! “I cannot afford the rent?” NO! “I need to work this summer?” NO! “The neighborhood is unsafe?” NO!
You can only terminate the lease if the landlord is materially violating your lease or the Florida Residential Landlord and Tenant Act. You should obtain legal advice before attempting to terminate your lease. In many cases, the best thing you can do is find a replacement tenant.
How soon must I renew my lease?
There is no legally established time period. You should not sign a lease that provides for automatic renewals or requires you to give the landlord a notice of non-renewal. If you do sign such a lease, you must strictly comply with the notice requirements imposed by the lease. If the lease does not specify otherwise, renewals are a matter of general contract law. The landlord cannot force you to renew prior to the end of your lease. However, if you do not renew by the landlord’s “deadline,” the landlord may rent your apartment to someone else.
What can happen if I don’t pay rent?
Failure to pay rent is the quickest way to be evicted. The landlord will serve a notice demanding payment of rent or possession of the apartment. If you fail to comply with the demand within three days, excluding weekends and holidays, eviction proceedings may be started. Neither surrender of the apartment nor eviction ends your liability for rent. You should immediately contact Student Legal Services if you receive a three-day notice.
Can I be evicted if I pay “my” rent and my roommates don’t?
Usually. Most leases provide that the tenants are jointly and severally liable for the entire rent. That means that you are both responsible for each other’s share and jointly responsible for paying the full amount. Therefore, the landlord can evict you unless the full rent is paid. It is possible for you to sue your roommates in small claims court to collect their share of the rent and utilities. A written roommate agreement will be helpful in proving your case in court. Given the difficulty of collecting money on a judgment quickly, the best thing you can do is obtain new roommates.
Note: This information does not apply to apartments offering individual leases.
Totally useless fact: Dartboards are made out of horsehairs.
campus talk
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october 2013
45
sign on the dotted keg
CT’s Certified
Roommate Contract
Living with a complete stranger can be difficult. Unfortunately, for all of you planning on bunking up with a buddy, living with friends can also be difficult. That’s why the first thing you’ll learn about this fabled “real world” is the utter importance of getting everything (and we mean everything) in writing. To help facilitate that, we’ve drawn up a can’t-fail, tried-and-true roomie contract to help settle all disputes before they ever happen. Think of it as a pre-nup, minus the romance and sex… or not.
CT’s ROOMMATE
CONTRACT This contract hereby states that and will cohabitate in a peaceful and respectful manner from the day they move in to the day they move out. After that, they can be jackasses to each other whenever they’d like. Whereas said roommates agree not to steal each other’s significant others, one-night stands, possible hook-ups and/or prostitutes (if applicable). And whereas said roommates agree not to fart in public while other cohabitants and/or their friends and family are present (unless said fart is part of a joke or prank, in which case it is permissible). Moreover, all cohabitants agree to abide by “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
And whereas all cohabitants agree to abide by the “whoever killed it, fills it” rule pertaining to all alcoholic beverages, specifically kegs.
And whereas if one roommate buys a pizza, no other roommate may eat a slice unless given direct permission from said buyer.
And whereas said roommates agree never to wake up before 10 a.m., regardless of whether or not they have an 8:30 a.m. class (or exam, for that matter).
And whereas all roommates agree that if and when Anchorman is playing on TV, no cohabitant may change the channel or ask for the volume to be lowered. This also applies during weeks of midterm and final exams.
And whereas all cohabitants involved in serious relationships will not publicly display affection around any other cohabitants or guests unless said significant other is really, really, really hot.
All signing participants agree to uphold and abide by said rules and regulations. If any individual roommate should fail to meet these requirements, they may be subjected to hours of TPing at the hands of their fellow cohabitants.
(Sign and Date)
(Sign and Date) This contract is certified by Campus Talk and should be notarized by Frank.
DROP OF BLOOD HERE!
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campus talk
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october 2013
Totally useless fact: The allele for six fingers and toes is dominant in humans.
FLU SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
EVERYBODY! TIDD Vn FEV t GBDFCPPL DPN VGTIDD t UXJUUFS DPN VGTIDD
Seasonal influenza vaccine provides the best protection available from seasonal flu. SAVE YOURSELF THE HEADACHE. GET YOUR FREE* FLU SHOT AT UF STUDENT HEALTH TODAY! *Free flu shots (intramuscular injection only) available to current UF students with valid UF ID. Visit shcc.ufl.edu for more information.
how manly are you?
MAN UP! t: s e T n a The More Than Just
M s e l c s u M g n i Flex
48
campus talk
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october 2013
Totally useless fact: Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
how manly are you?
In our modern, technological society, it’s not uncommon for an adult male to have, um, “overlooked,” and/or “missed out,” on many of the common skills associated with traditional “manliness.” Author Robert Dodenhoff breaks down many of those skills in an ultimate test of manhood. Never mind sports stats and useless action movie facts, in “The Man Test,” Dodenhoff challenges your knowledge with real categories that make a man, from finance and negotiation to etiquette and domestic skills.
You can find this test and more when you pick up “The Man Test” at Amazon.com for $12.99.
home’s main circuit breaker. 1) Electric outlet boxes in
your home will likely contain these three types of wires: A) A hot (black), a cold, and a yellow
B) A hot (black), a neutral (white), and a ground
C) A cold, a neutral (white), and a ground
D) A ground, a warm (blue), and a hot (black)
2) When attaching wires in a wall box for electric plugs, follow this rule:
A) Attach the neutrals
(white) to the two side
screws that are on the
same side as the ground (green or bare wire)
screw. The hots (black) will attach to the
remaining two screws.
B) Attach the neutrals
(white) to the two side
(black) will attach to the remaining two screws.
C) Either of the above is correct.
3) A GFCI circuit stands for: A) Google Facebook
Cooperating Internet
B) Greatest Fool
Communication Initiative
screws that are on the
C) Gold Fence Classic
ground (green or bare
D) G round Fault Circuit
opposite side as the
wire) screw. The hots
Totally useless fact: Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.
Interrogation
Interrupter
Answer Key:
Before attempting any electrical wiring, turn off the power at your
1) B. A hot (black), a neutral (white), and a ground. To help in understanding wiring, household electric cables are color-coded. The hot wire (black) supplies the current, while the neutral wire (white or gray) carries it back to complete the circuit. The ground wire (green or bare) is there for a kind of insurance. If you have a malfunction in the electric outlet box, a lamp, ceiling fan, power tool, etc., the ground wire carries the current back so you don’t get shocked.
Note: Working with electricity can be both risky and very dangerous.
2) A. Outlets and plugs are polarized, meaning that you can insert a plug only one way (note that one outlet slot – the neutral – is taller than the other). To insure that your outlet is wired correctly, you need to attach the neutral (white or gray) wires to the two side screws on the same side as the ground (green or bare wire). Attach the hot (black) wires to the other side.
Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin, Comedian
3) D. Ground Fault Circuit Interrupter. Electric shocks can occur when your hand (or other body part) provides a path between an electric source and a ground. A GFCI is an electrical device designed to prevent you from getting a severe shock when this electric “leak” occurs. Some GFCIs are installed directly in your home’s main circuit panel, but more commonly you’ll see them built into receptacles in your bathroom, kitchen, garage and outside.
The Man Test: Elec tric al
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october 2013
49
RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
#1 Can you name th ree consecutive days without usin g Monday, Tuesday the words ,W Thursday, Friday, ednesday, Saturday, or Sunday?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couchâ&#x20AC;Ś
#5
1) Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 2) A Last Name 3) Footsteps. 4) They were all invented by women. 5) A needle and thread.
a flaxen tail; h it w e rs ho on ir n A e runs, the faster the hors becomes. the shorter his tail What is it?
#2
but e has it The Pops not use it. he doe er has it but . th Your faother uses it m . it your d not nee neger o d s n u n N ze Schwar Arnoldbig one. ll. ite sma u q is has a J. Foxâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Michael ? it What is 50
campus talk
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october 2013
#3
e the The more you tak ind. more you leave beh What are they?
#4
What do bulletp roof vests, fire escap es, windshield wipe rs and laser printe rs all have in com mon?
Totally useless fact: The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.
hahahaha Q: Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? A: Because she’s too big for B-shells.
Q. Where do you find a no-legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from? A. Ugly sheep. Q. What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes. Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro? A. Fill it with gas. Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But the third old lady … she couldn’t reach that far.
Totally useless fact: Wayne’s World was filmed in two weeks.
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss!” he said, “The pill actually worked!” “That’s all fine,” said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”
After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he’d better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbed upstairs, walked in the bedroom and crawled into bed. “All right honey,” he said, “Give me a play you want me to run.” “How about Foreplay?” his wife replied. “What’s that?” asked Doug. “You know,” said the wife, “It happens before the two-minute warning.”
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LOOKIN’ GOOD!!!
Beauty
Philip Kingsley Paddle Brush
By Danielle Boudreau
For The Fall
Philip Kingsley Maximizer The Maximizer helps to provide super volume for even the finest hair. It maximized volume and adds body, bounce, control and shine. Ideal for helping to volumize limp, flyaway hair. $22 PhilipKingsley.com
This large brush is ideal for detangling thick, long hair and for blow drying straighter styles. Its anti static properties help to avoid fly-away ends and the extra cushion ensures only gentle pressure to the scalp. PhilipKingsley.com $38
Philip Kingsley Radial Brush
This radial brush is perfect for smoothing and volumizing and designed with rounded pins to protect the scalp and hair from scratching. Its unique Boar Bristles provides extra control and smoothness. Heat disperses more quickly than other brushes, due to its vents, ensuring as little heat damage as possible. PhilipKingsley.com $38
Philip Kingsley Elasticizer The world’s first pre shampoo conditioning treatment will not thicken hair or weigh it down. Suitable for all hair types, Elasticizer delivers a rush of moisture inside the hair’s cuticle-silkiness, suppleness, elasticity, bounce and strength are instantly apparent. Visible results from one application will build with continued use. $25–$45 PhilipKingsley.com
SebaMed Clear Face Anti-Pimple Cream
A double-duty spot treatment cream that helps combat acne-causing bacteria while hiding blemishes. Its non-comedogenic concealer component makes this the perfect product to help tackle pimples without letting anyone know you have them! The antibacterial agents help dry out pimples and counteract the formation of new ones. $12.99 SebamedUSA.com
Blue Cleanse by Silk’n
Blue Cleanse uses the deep penetrating power of 10 percent glycolic acid to remove dead skin cells and excess oil that clog pores and lead to breakouts. The exfoliating properties increase cell turnover, banishing blemishes and blackheads, while naturally moisturizing glycerin, rose hip seed oil and seaweed extract, soothe and moisturize skin, resulting in a smooth, radiant complexion. $49.99 Silkn.com 52
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Amarte Natural Finish BB Cream
This true Korean BB cream is a sheer, finely pigmented beauty balm that provides uniform coverage without caking or flaking, allowing your own true beauty to shine through. Designed with SPF 36 for daily sun protection, this multi-tasking face tint also softens and smoothes skin for a glowing, natural look. $49 AmarteCosmetics.com
Genie Bra
The ultimate in multi-way bras, the Custom Genie Bra’s wireless design, soft contour cups and adjustable straps is sure to make this your new go-to bra. Constructed with Everlast stretch fabric material and a knitted wide elastic band, this bra provides lift and support while smoothing trouble areas. The Custom Genie Bra also features a silicone lining along the top seam of the bra which is ideal for those women who are tired of constantly adjusting and pulling up their strapless underpinnings. $59.97 for 3 bras geniebra.com Totally useless fact: Swans are the only birds with penises.
I
date
signed
presented by
n recognition of your undying effort to disturb neighbors and strangers in order to further engorge your already chocolate-stained face because a gluttonous custom, and obvious marketing ploy, allows you to do so. Way to adhere to societal norms of consumption and celebration. No heightening diabetes and obesity rates will stop you in your pursuit of the almighty sugar rush. Should such over-consumptions even take your leg in the future, every Halloween, you will be there, hobbling along with an eager and fiendish look in your eyes, and a stump at your knee.
This award is presented to:
Award 2013
Trick or Treater
CONGRATULATIONS
tic tac toe
Ultimate everything
Is frisbee too boring? ULTIMATE FRISBEE!! Is crocheting too boring??? ULTIMATE CRO- okay, well there’s no ultimate crocheting (as far as I know)
but there IS another “ultimate” floating around out there:
e t a m i t l U c-toe a t X tic X By Kelly Herman
x o xo xo xo ox x x x o o x xx o x o x xo oo o x
o
simple! You just put a bunch of tic-tac-toe boards INSIDE each square of a larger tic-tac-toe board!!!
First, draw a big ass tic-tac-toe board. then draw tic-tac-toe boards inside each square of the larger board.
faster !!
pick who goes first, then draw an x or o in one of the squares on a smaller board within a large square.
the next player must make their next move on the small board inside the large square that matches up with the previous player’s move. they made an x bottom left? you put an o wherever the f*** you want in the bottom left board. easy! see example for help 54
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you plasys e m a g e am cla ake the ol r on notes in t n a c u yo ts ht! Nower at restaurayn? ig r ’s t a Th ble pap you pla on the EtPa IT UP! how do and ST
SOUND INTENSE?? IT IS!!!!!!
The first player goes again, also going in the larger square that matches the square player 2 went in.
, go, go!!! o g large squares are dominated when the small boards
inside them are won by x or o. if you are sent to one that is already finished, pick wherever you want to place your next move... choose wisely, nerd!
x
the winner is whoever gets tic-tac-toe on the big board, or if it’s a tie, whoever has the most small board wins.
small board tie? you pick! either both lose that square or both win.
You win!
tic tac toe
ultimate scoreboard Player x: Player O: x wins!
O wins!
tieD!
> «Õà `}i > iÃÛ i°V Ê UÊ ÎxÓ°ÎÇÈ°Ónää ÓnääÊ-7Ê7 ÃÌ Ê, >`]Ê > iÃÛ i]Ê À `>
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Join us in supporting
Oasis Saturday, October 26, 2013 7 p.m. to midnight at Besilu Collection, Micanopy, Florida
Senator Bill Nelson
Senator Marco Rubio
Congressman Ted Yoho
Bernie and Chris Machen
Honorary Chair
Honorary Chair
Honorary Chair
Honorary Chair
Jon and Kelly Pritchett
Horst and Luisa Ferrero
Freddie and Daurine Wehbe
Event Chairs
Founders
Gainesville Co-Chairs
Richard and Pam Astrom Ocala Co-Chairs
Freddie an
Gaines
John and Dawn Moore Jacksonville Co-Chairs
Charlie and Linda Brink Tampa Co-Chairs
John and Christine Barnes
John and Louise Glover
Atlanta Co-Chairs
South Florida Co-Chairs
Proceeds benefit the UF Health Shands Childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hospital.
SPONSORSHIPS NOW AVAILABLE
Visit www.NochedeGala.org Join Our Growing List of Sponsors
TAKE NOTE
Top 10 by Kelly Herman
Strangest
Deaths 455 BC
In 455 BC, as it had been prophesied, author Aeschylus was killed by a falling object. Ironically, he had been staying outside to avoid just that, but an eagle had other plans in mind when he used Aeschylus’ head to try and crack open a tortoise shell for lunch.
1410
1960
Formula One driver Alan Stacey died in 1960 when a bird flew into his face, causing him to crash during a race. What a disgrace!
210 BC
The first Emperor of China, in 210 BC, swallowed several mercury pills believing they’d grant him eternal life. He was “grave”ly mistaken. GET IT? BECAUSE HE DIED.
1567
In 1567, Hans Steininger tripped over his own 4 1/2 foot beard and broke his neck. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let your giant beard down!
1956
Martin of Aragon died from a mix of indigestion and uncontrollable laughter in 1410. Never underestimate the danger in eating Mexican food and watching cat videos.
Beware of typewriter cleaning fluid, because it looks just like water. At least that’s what Zilphia Horton thought when she drank enough to kill her in ‘56.
1920
Alexander I, in 1920, was on a stroll in the royal gardens when his dog got attacked by a monkey. A MONKEY. He tried beating that little a-hole up, but instead got bitten and died a few weeks later. Do you see NOW why animals shouldn’t have opposable thumbs??? COCKY!!
Totally useless fact: If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
1946
After swallowing a toothpick at a party, Sherwood Anderson died of inflammation to the stomach lining. Not so cool now, with your cool toothpicks, huh Sherwood?
1926
Harry Houdini allowed an amateur boxer to punch him in the appendix in 1926, which may have (probably) led to his death a few days later (most likely). He just couldn’t escape death.
1258
Abbasid caliph of Baghdad, Al-Musta’sim, was executed in 1258 by Mongol captors: Death by horse trampling. Why didn’t he just run away, you ask? He was rolled up in a rug.
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GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE By Danielle Boudreau
bem Wireless Mobile Speaker
A portable, wireless speaker available in 24 college colors to show off your school spirit. The bem wireless is the size of a tennis ball so you can toss it in your backpack for an instant party wherever you go on campus. It also connects to any bluetooth enabled device for crystal clear music anytime, anywhere. Gives you up to 25 feet of wireless range and 6 hours of battery life. $69.99 bemwireless.com
Sorority Dorm Trunk by DormCo A trunk for college provides a practical and easy means to transport any student’s swath of dorm supplies. Yet the Sorority Dorm Trunk also provides a nice burst of color to any bland dorm room. This is one trunk that won’t be stuffed under a bed once it’s unpacked; its color and stylish trimming make it a fun and colorful dorm room decoration for college girls, in addition to being a practical college product. DormCo.com
Guerilla Calculator Accessories
These full hard and leather slide protective cases come in multiple colors and engaging patterns. The precision cut anti-reflective screen protectors guard from scratches, fingerprints, dirt and dust. The line is made of high-grade non tearable silicon, polycarbonate plastic and synthetic leathers. The Guerilla Calculator Accessories are the only products on the market that can cover and protect the whole front of a calculator. Prices range from $9.99 to $24.99. Available in multiple stores nationwide including Office Depot, Staples, Walmart and Barnes & Noble. GuerillaUSA.com
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Totally useless fact: The four gas giants, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune, all have rings.
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE
Adopted Iridescent Lens Case for iPhone 5 This vibrant, eye-catching case shifts colors when viewed from different angles while offering maximum protection. Its uniquely designed case features a smooth, low-profile metallic surface that gives it a trendy look and feel. Available for iPhone 4/4S and 5 $34.95 GetAdopted.com
SV Earbuds by Munitio
MUNITIO SVs are designed for a mobile lifestyle. Students who are pursuing an online degree, commuting to college, riding the bus, walking the sidewalks, will appreciate the never-knotty ribbon cable and its lightweight durability thanks to reinforced aircraft-grade aluminum housings. For audio, the SVs deliver a wide dynamic range with enough sonic flexibility to bounce back-and-forth between lecturing professors, rock, and dubstep. The SV Earbuds also come with a protective nylon carrying case. $129 store.munitio.com
Rapid Raman Cooker
Ramen is a dorm room dietary staple. While itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eaten by practically all college students, not all students are cooking their Ramen in the best way possible. Our Rapid Ramen Cooker makes cooking Ramen faster, easier, and better all around. The reusable plastic tray requires half the water needed to microwave, resulting in faster, more even cooking. DormCo.com
Totally useless fact: The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.
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hahahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets instead of everyone else’s.
Q: Where does the onelegged waitress work? A: The IHOP! Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course… the other three are mythological creatures.
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
Totally useless fact: Shrimps’ hearts are in their heads.
DO I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING? By John Scheck
Recipes with
Food that
Never Dies Unless you had an Italian grandmother living with you as a child, chances are that when you move into your first apartment your cooking skills will be – how should we say – not exactly up to gourmet standards. The good news is that there are thousands of video recipes available on the internet, so the learning curve for cooking has been shortened drastically. Cookbooks are about as dead as Latin these days and all I have to say is R.I.P. cookbooks and long live YouTube! I feel uniquely qualified to lecture on this subject because I survived my university years and have gone on to lead a productive life – at least compared to most death row inmates. One bit of advice I must share is the importance of stocking up the cupboards with food that never dies, or at least has a shelf-life longer than your likely sojourn as a college student (4–9 years). The astronauts languishing in the space station probably have more fresh food on hand than most students, so it’s important to buy food that is good for the long haul, stuff you can load up on before the semester begins and keep eating until you go home for Thanksgiving break.
Olive oil lasts a long, long time. When archaeologists opened up the tombs of the pharaohs in Egypt they found olive oil which they used to fry up their lunches during the expedition. I don’t know if this is true but it will take you at least five mouse clicks to disprove it, which makes it almost true. Olive oil will last an entire semester and is extremely useful for cooking and dressing salads. It has also been proven to be a pillar of the Mediterranean Diet, which is a bulwark against heart disease – not that anyone under 50 worries about that. If you bought a box of dried pasta when they filmed the first Godfather movie in 1972, it
Totally useless fact: “I Love Lucy” was the first major network program filmed before a live audience.
would still be edible when they finally got around to making the last in the series in 1990. Pasta isn’t a dish traditionally served while watching movies – I suggest microwave popcorn – but I simply wanted to illustrate a point. If you have spaghetti, olive oil, and some garlic then you have the makings of the most famous Italian late-night drunk food: spaghetti aglio olio (spaghetti with garlic and oil). To make, you thinly slice the garlic and sauté in olive oil at a low temperature (if you have some hot peppers – dried or fresh – add them as well). Toss the cooked spaghetti in this sauce and top with Parmesan cheese if you are some sort of rich kid who can pony up for Parmesan. Ramen noodles have been the staple diet of college students since the invention of plastic packaging. The trick is to know the right way to prepare them. First open the package. Next put on a HAZMAT suit and carefully remove the flavor pack envelop. Then bury it in the desert far from any human activity. Scientists estimate that each flavor pack contains enough salt and MSG to poison the water supply of a major American metropolis. Then sauté any fresh vegetables (I’ll let you define “fresh”) you have on hand and add these to the cooked noodles. My next bit of advice has to do with garbanzos, kidneys, pintos, navy, black-eyed peas, and every other form of bean. Learn to love them. Dried beans and rice are two cheap foodstuffs that can keep even the poorest student fed. Don’t miss my next column: Doggy Bags and All-You-Can-Eat Buffets: A Victimless Crime?
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charted
do you have homework?
YES
NO
YOUâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re lying
is there something else youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d rather do? YES
NO
is the homework due in less than 12 hours
get a life check what time it is have a snack facebook check email
YES
NO
watCH TV
START WORKING 62
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Totally useless fact: Lucy Ball was on the cover of the first issue of TV Guide.
charted
ufo sighting convincibility over time
Changing Futures. One Person At A Time
quite convincing
Donate Plasma and Save a Life Today
fairly convincing
release of photoshop not convincing 1900
1920
1940
1960
1980
circle of no life
2000
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Biotest Plasma Center 1112 N. Main Street Gainesville, FL 32601 352-378-9431 www.biotestplasma.com
Totally useless fact: The first U.S. coins were made of silver from Martha004-Campus-Tallk-3.8583x10.0394.indd Washingtonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s silver service.
1
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spotted!
The Fifth Estat e
Spot The Differences
october 18, 2013
Benedict Cumberbatch, Daniel Br端hl, Carice van Houten
CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS
PRIZES
EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE
STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT
TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE 64
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Totally useless fact: Some insects, after having their heads removed, can live up to a year.
Totally useless fact: Oogamus: Sexual reproduction in which a small, fast sperm mates with a big egg.
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1) Pineapple in fruit bowl appeared, 2) cell phone disappeared, 3) magazine disappeared, 4) item on wall in background missing, 5) female has spectacles, 6) sweater is now blue, 7) right guys sleeves are now green, 8) Smoke alarm on ceiling is missing, 9) right guys hair is longer
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag PS3 PS4 Wii U PC Xbox One October 29 The Assassin’s Creed franchise continues, only this time it picks up in the year 1715 when pirates rule the Caribbean and have established a lawless pirate republic. You play as Edward Kenway, the father of Haytham and grandfather of Connor (Ratonhnhaké:ton) in the third AC installment. Edward’s exploits earn the respect of pirate legends like Blackbeard, but draw him into an ancient war that may destroy everything the pirates have built. Players can set sail on the high seas in command of your ship, the Jackdaw, and strike fear in all who see her. Plunder and pillage to upgrade the Jackdaw with ammunition and equipment needed to fight off enemy ships in an expansive and beautiful scenery that is being touted as one of the most diverse Assassin’s Creed worlds ever created. 66
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Beyond: Two Souls PS3 October 8 This psychological action thriller features a brand-new game engine, a compelling, original story, and a top-notch Hollywood cast, which includes Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe. A characterdriven story, players live the life of Jodie Holmes, a young woman who possesses supernatural powers through a psychic link to an invisible entity she calls Aiden. The immersive gaming experience takes you through the striking moments of Jodie’s life as your actions and decisions determine her fate. She traverses the globe to take on incredible challenges against a backdrop of emotionallycharged events.
Batman: Arkham Origins PS3 PC Xbox 360 Wii U October 25 Introducing an original prequel storyline for the Batman: Arkham franchise, the new installation features an expanded Gotham City for a young and unrefined Batman to explore. He faces a defining moment in his early career as a crime fighter that sets his path to becoming the Dark Knight. As the story unfolds, you will meet many characters for the first time and forge key relationships.
Battlefield 4 PC PS4 Xbox 360 Xbox One October 29 The fourth installment to the Battlefield Franchise lets gamers experience huge environments, a playground of destruction, access to an arsenal of vehicles and the ability to direct squad mates. The EA-published, first-person shooter aims to deliver a top online multiplayer gaming experience while also offering an engaging and challenging story campaign. This is the first in the series to run on Frostbite 3 technology.
Raven’s Cry PC Xbox 360 PS3 October 24 The new dark action-adventure is set to challenge the image of pirates in popular culture, following Christopher Raven through a lavishly detailed world, rich with treachery and adventure. The beauty of the 17th Century Caribbean is revealed in the rolling emerald waves and their secrets, kept far beneath in the dark alleys and curved, cobbled roads, all teeming with murderous miscreants and loudly drunken braves, the prophets of the bottle, the blade, and the flintlock gun. Raven embarks on a vengeful quest to track down and kill the men who murdered his family, complete with historically accurate architecture and in-game events.
Totally useless fact: Snollygoster: Someone who’s sharp but with no scruples.
GAME DAY at Ballyhoo The No 1 place to watch florida Gators football and your favorite
Nfl team See all the action in high-definition on one of our 15 New, Big Screen TVs while enjoying the best food and drinks in town!
Happy Hour 352.373.0059 Totally useless fact: Scientists have found that chocolate has a chemical that helps counteract depression.
2-7 pm daily and 2-10 pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays with live music on the Treebow Patio campus talk
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DONTEVENREPLY.COM
CHILDHOOD
WANTED CHILDRENS
CLASSICS Warning: The following
DVDS
Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up – will take all unwante d DVDs!
email conversations are real, messing with people on craigslist for entertainment. From Me to ***@***.org:
Hey there! I’m trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I’ve had since I was a kid. The movie stores won’t take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I’d love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested. Mike
From Julia *** to Me:
Mike, Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?
From Me to Julia ***: Julia, Here is the full list:
Alvin and the Chipmunks Alladin Backdoor Creampies 2 Beauty and the Beast Big Black Threesome Fantasia Finally 18 and Legal The Lion King Mattress Slaves 3 The Mighty Ducks Toy Story Wet Squirters 5 Please let me know which ones you want. Thanks, Mike From Julia *** to Me: Mike ... some of those titles are inappropriate. From Me to Julia ***: 68
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Julia, Which titles are inappropriate? Mike From Julia *** to Me: I think you know which ones .... From Me to Julia ***: Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with The Scorpion King, the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King. I hope this clears things up. Mike From Julia *** to Me: No ... explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection. From Me to Julia ***: Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.
You’ve really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I’ll find the plot summaries for you. Backdoor Creampies – Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen – selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn’t all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship. Big Black Threesome – Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey. Finally 18 and Legal – A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.
long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters. Once again, I hope this clears things up for you. Mike From Julia *** to Me: You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try. From Me to Julia ***: Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children’s movies. So do you want them or not? By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering: Toy Story 2 James and the Giant Peach Walt Disney’s Double Penetration Cockblasts 3 Mike
Mattress Slaves 3 – Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)
From Julia *** to Me: Okay I’ve had enough of this. You are a nut.
Wet Squirters 5 – The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their
Go to hell.
From Me to Julia ***: Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you. From Julia *** to Me:
Read more at
www.dontevenreply.com
Totally useless fact: Only male crickets chirp.
one liners!
p u k c i P Lines
DITCH THE
POOCH
Did you just get You’re so ou hit in the head y l u f i t u a be t with a baseball? e g r o f e m made . Because I think e n i l p u k c my pi you’re swell! I was so en chanted by your b e a e u t m y o that I ran s n o s p e into that (st wall over t h t e a r h e . So I am going to n ice) Now t eed your n ame and numbe t h e i c e is r for insur ance t’s purposes. a h w , n e k ro
b e? you r na m
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Totally useless fact: Birds don’t sing because they are happy, they sing because they are territorial.
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EASY AS PIE By Daniel Sutphin
Cooking on the Fly
with Nisa Burns’ Kitchenability 101 Excerpted from Kitchenability 101: The College Student’s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food by Nisa Burns. Find Nisa online at: www.Kitchenability.com.
Banana Cinnamon Waffles
It’s no surprise most students come to college without much experience in kitchen. Thanks to student meal plans, pizza delivery, ramen noodles and a flourishing market of restaurants, diners, bars and fast food joints to choose from, the average student is fairly safe from having to know much in the cooking department. However, as society continues to lean more and more to the healthy side of consumption, a cheaper and far-less taxing venture would be that of learning how to cook, instead of relying on the same old factory-fashioned meals. Since freshman year doesn’t come with an intro to culinary arts, students can turn to outside sources. That’s where Nisa Burns, a spunky young chef and Internet sensation, comes into play. A culinary graduate of the Art Institute of Virginia Beach, Burns’ straightforward, healthy recipes have gained fans on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube nationwide. With a mission to show college students how to become best friends with their kitchens in order to feed themselves for life, Burns has released a new book detailing a process she calls becoming “Kitchen-able.” In the book, Kitchenability 101: The College Student¹s Guide to Easy, Healthy, and Delicious Food, she shows students healthy, accessible alternatives to the cafeteria or drive-thru lane. Not only does Kitchenability 101 teach readers that it is just as simple to make an Avocado Lettuce Wrap as it is to heat up a processed TV dinner, but it also provides shopping plans, supply lists, budgeting tips, skills and recipes for cooking in college spaces including dorm rooms, apartments and houses. 70
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• Makes one serving • Dorm & apartment friendly
When I was a child and running late for school, my mom often handed me this waffle breakfast sandwich wrapped in a paper towel and gave a simple order: “Go.” Even when I was rushed, my mom instilled in me the importance of eating breakfast every day.
Avocado Lettuce Wraps • Makes five servings • Dorm & apartment friendly
This is one of my favorite recipes to make for myself when I need something that’s easy but light and healthy as well. What You Need • 2 ripe avocados • 2 tomatoes • 3 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro • 3 tsp lime juice • ½ tsp salt • ½ tsp pepper • 5 large leaves iceberg lettuce What You Do •P eel and core the avocados, then cut into one-inch wedges. •D ice the tomatoes. •M ix everything except the lettuce in a bowl. •C over with plastic wrap and let marinate at room temperature for 15 minutes. •P lace two to three tablespoons of the mixture in the center of each lettuce leaf. •R oll up each lettuce leaf like a taco.
A great thing about this recipe is that it is easy, well-balanced, and versatile. You can make the recipe using frozen waffles in whatever variety you like, such as whole wheat, cinnamon, or buttermilk, and whatever fruit you prefer. Try it with peanut butter, or substitute cream cheese or Nutella. This version includes protein from the peanut butter, potassium and other nutrients from the banana, and whole grains from the waffles. It will satisfy your hunger and keep you energized throughout the morning. What You Need • 2 whole-grain toaster waffles • 2 tbsp peanut butter • ½ banana • 1 tsp honey • ¼ tsp cinnamon What You Do • Toast the waffles to desired crispness. • Spread the peanut butter on one ide of each waffle. • Slice the banana into ¼ inch rounds. • Place the banana and honey on one side of the waffle, and sprinkle with the cinnamon. • Close like a sandwich and enjoy.
Totally useless fact: Napoleon suffered from a fear of cats.
Totally useless fact: If you look closely at a black panther, you can see the spots in its coat. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re really leopards.
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r o f e c r u o s r You ! e s i d n a h c r e logo m
WWW.WHATSHAPPENING PROMOTIONS.COM
352-371-5881
PART OF
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Totally useless fact: Margaret Higgins Sanger, a pioneer of birth control, was one of 11 children.
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BREAKFAST BURRITOS!
Egg-n-Chorizo Available (Friday after midnight through Sunday)
CAMPUS
3412 W University Ave 352.672.6654
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Totally useless fact: Pope John Paul II wrote a play that premiered on a theater in London.
Totally useless fact: In many countries, urine was once used as a cleaning detergent.
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HEADER
Totally useless fact: Stonewall Jackson died when he was accidentally hit by fire from his own troop.
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Totally useless fact: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
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OCtober
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star map
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even exchange
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GO FIGURE
Totally useless fact: There are 7 lavoratories on Air Force 1.
CRYPTO QUOTE
QUIP{
whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?
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hahahaha Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locked the keys in her car.
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight. Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Why did you put up such a fight?â&#x20AC;? The man promptly replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!â&#x20AC;?
You should always give 100% at workâ&#x20AC;Ś 12% on Monday; 23% on Tuesday; 40% on Wednesday; 20% on Thursday; 5% on Friday.
A couple was having a discussion about what to do on their honeymoon in Florida. The husband, trying to assert his dominance, said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;If it werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t for my money, we wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be here in Florida.â&#x20AC;? The wife promptly replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Honey, if it werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t for your money, not only would we not be in Floridaâ&#x20AC;Ś we wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; in the first place!â&#x20AC;?
A young couple about to get married was picking out their wedding bands at a jewelry store. The bride-to-be looked longingly at her platinum ring, then asked the jeweler if there was anything special she needed to do to maintain the ringâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s quality. The jeweler winked at the groom-to-be, then turned to the young woman and said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Why yes, dear. Be sure to soak it in dishwater every night around dinnertime.â&#x20AC;?
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CAMPUS
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Totally useless fact: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
WE MAKE THE VIKINGS SEEM WARM AND CUDDLY
What by John Scheck
Would Genghis
Khan Do?
One moment you and the rest of the marauding hoard are playing polo with the freshly-severed head of a vanquished chieftain and the next thing you know someone goes and burns down the orphanage. Granted, we all laughed about it at the time but blocking the doors and boarding the windows really wasn’t cool, man. It’s always sad when one over-the-top psychopath goes and gives barbarity a bad name. The Orphan Torcher – as he’s now called – definitely doesn’t represent all of the reprehensible and he must be punished. We are a group that is quite used to maintaining discipline within the ranks. In fact, we often torture one another just for the fun of it. The thing is, when you drag a man behind a galloping horse and consider it a harmless practical joke it can be a bit difficult to know when someone has crossed over the line or has somehow violated the unwritten code – and we’re
Most of you probably only see the upside of horrible abuses and unspeakable atrocities, but you have to remember not to get carried away and go too far. It can happen, believe me.
mostly illiterate so written codes don’t mean doodly-squat to us. Just where do we draw the line? Is it too much to push a cart of bound and gagged widows over a steep cliff? How about having more than 10 items in the express line? If one of our guys is doing something he really shouldn’t be doing, it reflects poorly on all of us. A group of savages who wear necklaces made of human ears can’t afford to look bad. One thing that a lot of you may not understand is that in the realm of the hunter-slaughterer societies like ours we have no words for “restraint” or “moderation.” If you can’t get your little mind around that, then you should stick to farming or some other sissy endeavor where these concepts might have some use. Just take a look at this quote from the Big Guy: “The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all they possess, to
see those they love in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.” Not much room in there for restraint or moderation. If you try to use a bit of restraint while swinging a huge battle-ax you could strain a muscle or even worse. Nope, it’s better just to put everything you got into it. Genghis Khan knew better than anyone the importance of follow-through when hacking an enemy in two. The man was pure poetry. I’m sure you’ll rebuild the orphanage and I’m equally sure that one of our boys will burn that one down, too. It’s all just part of the circle of life and for many of you, we are the last things you’ll see in that circle. There probably won’t be time later to say this, so, please forgive us if we get carried away – and we always do because that’s just what we do. Just try to stand still or it will get messier and more painful than it needs to be.
Totally useless fact: No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
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THE SEASON IN STYLE How to
Katie Moss
Transition Your Wardrobe
from Summer to Fall It’s that time again. The weather is getting cooler and your wardrobe is just a bit too scant. And yet, if your budget’s tight, you may be hesitant to spend a lot on a fall wardrobe. Instead, check out these tips on how to transition your current wardrobe from summer to fall.
Love to Layer The most important rule when switching your wardrobe is layering. Whether you choose jacket, tights, a vest or hat, there’s a right way to layer. It involves arranging clean lines of clothing with patterns and colors that complement each other. Mix and Match Think carefully about how to pair your fall and summer clothing. For example, try not to mix floral summer dresses with metallic leggings. A little mix-match is good every now and then, but the key is moderation. Instead, add black or other solid-color tights to your patterned summer dresses and skirts. Summer Sandals Keep your sandals around as long as you like! Sandals can be appropriately mixed with fall clothing, and they’re almost always appropriate in sunny Florida temps. A Few Dos Try to incorporate fall colors such as oranges, reds and mustard yellows into your wardrobe. Even if they’re summer items, these colors will have everyone seeing “autumn.” Re-purpose your campus talk
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summer dresses and mix it up with a blazer! You can even layer a blazer without wearing tights and keep your legs bare while it’s still somewhat warm. All the Don’ts Don’t show your midriff during the fall. Crop tops should be reserved for summer. Also, try not to over-accessorize. You may be excited about your winter gloves, hats and scarves, but there’s no need to bring them all out to play at once! Finally, never mix bright white socks with sandals or wedges. Though socks with shoes are fashion-forward on the runway, bright whites are almost never acceptable in the real world. Shopping Spree Of course, if you do have a bit of extra cash, you can make it go a long way by purchasing a few crucial new fall essentials. One of these is a light jacket, which is great when a little chill is in the air. Whether you choose a sweater-jacket, a blazer, an army jacket or classic denim, you’ll have a versatile piece that can work over dresses, or with jeans or shorts.
Autumn Tights Tights are an absolute must for climates where it’s usually warm. They can be layered under dresses or skirts, shorts and even high-heeled sandals. Tights are much more fashionable than socks, and they come in a variety of patterns to fit every outfit. A personal favorite for fall is a summer dress with a structured jacket, tights and flats. It’s easy, versatile and pieces can be removed if you get too warm. Cool and Casual Light, long-sleeved T-shirts are great for layering under summer items. Grab black if you’re only buying one. If you’re not looking to layer, quarter-length and long-sleeved blouses are wonderful for fall layering. You can even wear them with shorts! Finally, light drape scarves are great for adding a little warmth and a bit of accessory excitement. Wondering if your fall outfit is appropriate for the season? Check out the latest styles in your favorite television shows and see what the stars are wearing. Trusted friends are always a great source of inspiration and confidence, as well. You’re going to take this fall by storm!
Totally useless fact: Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
music dreams By Daniel Sutphin
At a Crossroad Going for the Dream with Dan Godlin & Shilpa Narayan The mid-twenties is a time of self-discovery and transition that everyone faces. In some cases, that decision is torn between practicality and the pursuit of personal dreams. When the less-conventional road is taken, it is often met with heartache and disappointment. Some artists, however, push on and can wind up achieving lucrative careers in their industries. Two such artists, Dan Godlin and Shilpa Narayan, pursued their dreams as opposed to other more typical avenues and have found success. CT caught up with these dreamers separately to discuss their careers and the decisions that led them to pursue their art.
DAN GODLIN Despite receiving offers to play football in college, Dan Godlin decided to pursue his music dreams. He’s landed placement of three of his songs on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Dan’s music can also be heard on American Airlines flights around the country. His first full-length album, “Loving on Empty,” was released in 2012. After graduating from NYU, Godlin was inspired to write “In Between,” an EP written as a “concept album” touching on his mid-twenties and that “what do I do next” moment that often coincides. Dan also recently released a new single “Summer Roads.” What made you choose music over football?
Growing up, I was always attracted to music and catchy melodies. I think I was like seven when I got into football pads. Football for me was a physical outlet for stresses; it was a way for me to get a physical release, but I always used music for an emotional release. When high school came around, I started to get very good at football, even breaking records my junior and senior years. There was serious talk about going on to college and playing football with opportunities right in my face such as Ivy League schools like Dartmouth. Ultimately, I had to go with my gut – music was something I always loved, and I already started getting into writing when I was 13, so I felt like it was something I could really pursue. Did you have a lot of support from family and friends to make the jump from football to music?
My mom actually wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer. My dad was always into music campus talk
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and told me when I started writing that I had a talent. My family wasn’t really wanting me to go on and pursue football, mostly because of the dangers of getting hurt and concussions. Ultimately, they let me do my own thing and make my own decisions, and they were happy that I made a decision to go to music. What do you find as inspiration for songwriting?
It comes from all over. The first album, “Loving On Empty,” which was released back in 2012, was all inspired by young love. I had a very deep and intimate, serious relationship with somebody that went sour, and that was my inspiration for the first album. The second EP, “In Between,” was a whole concept EP, with the feeling of being out of college. I graduated a little over a year ago from NYU and just had this overwhelming feeling of, “What now? What next?” Your whole life you grow up and you’re going to go to high school, then high school to college, and college to what? There’s this big unknown, especially in the arts. The third album that I’m working on isn’t titled yet, but it’s starting to develop into something that’s all about cheerful, summer love and happiness. I had a single come out called “Summer Roads.” It’s about driving with the top down and you’re cruising and doing whatever you want with whoever you want; it’s a good free-falling type of feel. Has your song being played on the Kardashians benefitted your music and its popularity?
Definitely, I’ve seen some more fans visiting my website and liking me on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve got a lot more interaction from that, from people who love the show. I have
dangodlin.com
three of my songs playing on one episode. I also have a song on “The Challenge,” which is on MTV. It has my name and song in the credits, as well as vocals, so that got me a lot more followers and, in the long run, a lot more exposure. Having your music played on American Airline flights seems like a more uncommon method for exposure. Has it helped push your music out there, and are there other promotion efforts you’re pursuing?
The American Airlines spot has actually given me a lot more exposure than a lot of the other placements. I saw a huge rise in numbers since the song was on their airlines. What’s great is that it’s on the hit list for the month, so I’m on there with Beyonce and Katy Perry and Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran and all these huge artists.
The In-Between EP touches on the quarter-life crisis and all the tough decisions people have to make before pursuing their dreams. Do you have any advice for the people having to make those decisions now?
What really helped me, and it sounds pretty simple, but I had to tell myself to stay positive. It was hard at first, because everybody says to be positive, but there’s just so much value in waking up every day and saying to yourself, “I can make this work. I can make this happen.” It helps to have a strong support system around you, emotionally, financially, and you need people around you who are also positive. I believe you are who you hang around with, and you have to surround yourself with the right people, but you ultimately have to say every day, “I can do it.”
Totally useless fact: A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
music dreams
SHILPA NARAYAN
Shilpa Narayan moved to New York after college for a career as a financial analyst. During that time, she quietly practiced her music, garnered new fans on the Internet by posting videos of herself performing covers by Rihanna and Beyonce on YouTube, and performed for open mics on the weekends. Since independently releasing her debut album Stand Alone in May 2012, the hard-working 25-yearold released a new single “Renegade,” which is a testimony of how she has chosen the more challenging but fulfilling path of following her heart. Who would you say are your major influences?
I really have a ton of musical influences! From a songwriting perspective, I love John Mayer, Emeli Sande, Alex Clare, and Dave Mathews Band. They have this ability to take the most mundane thing and turn it into a beautiful story. To me that is so important, because I find it’s sometimes harder to write on the details than it is on the big picture. As far as vocals, I love big full voices such as Melanie Fiona, Beyonce, Etta James and Adele. What’s your process like for writing? Do you do most yourself, or is it more through collaboration of producers?
I usually write with my roommate Jordan Garner. Our process is that we have a bunch of ideas written down between us for major concepts on a song. We’ll usually listen to a beat or instrumental provided by a producer and come up with our own ideas for melody and lyrics. Then we come together to collaborate on the song as a whole. She’s amazing at lyrics and I’m more of a melody person so we make a good team! What was the inspiration for the single, “Renegade”?
shilpanarayan.com
“Renegade” is all about going for the dream, whether it seems in reach or not. For me personally, the song is about trying to break out of the box of going for the regular career/ life choices that are sometimes
pushed upon us by society and trying to go for something more creative. “Renegade” is all about being your own person, and being okay with being different. How did your career as a financial analyst, help lead you to pursue music? How has it helped you in the music industry?
Well it helped, first of all, financially. Recording music is a very expensive thing! It also helped me get a good business background and ask the right questions while I was negotiating all the contracts with producers and venues. And, in a way, it helped motivate me to do more music in general because I realized how happy I was being on stage versus being behind that desk. Do you think your career at the time helped you in self-releasing your first album?
Definitely. I wouldn’t have been able to release the album on my own if I didn’t have the means to fund it myself. What message would you tell other people at a similar crossroad of having to choose a conventional career over a dream?
I’d say go for the dream. The conventional career will always be there. The banks, the hospitals, the law offices are going to always be there. You only really get one shot at going for a less conventional dream and I think it’s best to do it while you’re still young and don’t have as many other responsibilities!
Totally useless fact: Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY?
flicks By daniel sutphin
Machete Kills WHAT: Action/Adventure WHO: Danny Trejo, Alexa Vega,
Mel Gibson, Sofía Vergara, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Carlos Esteves (Charlie Sheen), Antonio Banderas WHEN: October 11 A follow up to Robert Rodriguez’s cult classic, “Machete,” the President of the United States (Esteves) recruits Machete (Trejo) to fight his way through Mexico in order to quiet a dangerous radical and eliminate a wealthy arms dealer who plans to launch a weapon into space in order to destabilize the entire globe.
e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
Runner Runner WHAT: Crime/Drama/Thriller WHO: Ben Affleck, Justin
Timberlake, Gemma Arterton WHEN: October 4 Believing he’s been swindled, Princeton grad student Richie (Timberlake) heads to Costa Rica to confront online gambling tycoon Ivan Block (Affleck). Block seduces Richie with the promise of wealth; however, Richie is unaware of the troubling truth behind the benefactor. The FBI tries to coerce Richie to help bring down Block, forcing Richie to try to outmaneuver both parties. campus talk
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Captain Phillips WHAT: Action/Biography/Drama WHO: Tom Hanks, Catherine
Keener, Barkhad Abdi WHEN: October 11 Based on the True Story of Captain Richard Phillips and a 2009 hijacking by Somali pirates, Hanks plays the Captain as he tries to save his ship, the US-flagged MV Maersk Alabama. The real-life drama serves as the first American cargo ship to be hijacked in 200 years.
The Counselor WHAT: Drama, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Brad Pitt, Goran Visnjic,
Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem, Cameron Diaz WHEN: October 25 The first original screen play by Cormac McCarthy, the Ridley Scott-directed thriller tells the story of a lawyer (Fassbender) who moonlights as a drug trafficker, only to find himself in over his head.
Gravity WHAT: Drama/Sci-Fi WHO: Sandra Bullock, George
Clooney, Eric Michels WHEN: October 4 After a disastrous accident wipes out a space station crew and most of the structure, a medical engineer and an astronaut find themselves stranded, forcing them to work together to survive
october 2013 Totally useless fact: The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.
rent me! This Is The End WHAT: Action/Comedy WHO: James Franco, Paul Rudd,
Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill WHEN: October 1 Playing themselves, this group of funny actors and actresses get together for a big party at James Franco’s house; little did they know, it would be their last. Hilarity ensues as the celebrities scurry for safety in attempt to survive the apocalypse, and each other.
Small
Screen
The Hangover Part III WHAT: Comedy WHO: Bradley Cooper, Melissa
McCarthy, Zach Galifianakis WHEN: May 24 In the third installment of the Hangover series, a criminal hunting Mr. Chow to recover $21 million kidnaps Doug. The Wolfpack sets out in search of Chow to recover the money and rescue Doug – yet again – bringing this knee-slapper of a series to a much-needed close.
The Heat WHAT: Action/Comedy/Crime WHO: Sandra Bullock,
Melissa McCarthy, Marlon Wayans, Tony Hale WHEN: June 28 Sandra Bullock plays an uptight FBI special agent who is paired with a much more aggressive Boston Cop, Shannon Mullins (McCarthy), in this odd couple action comedy. The two must work through their conflicting personalities while also trying to take down a ruthless drug lord.
Totally useless fact: St. Stephen I the patron saint of bricklayers.
Pacific Rim
The Conjuring
WHAT: Action/Adventure/Sci-Fi WHO: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba,
WHAT: Horror WHO: Vera Farmiga, Patrick
Charlie Day, Rinko Kikuchi WHEN: July 12 Filmmaker Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth) taps into the sci-fi realm for his latest flick. Bringing back the Godzilla-scale of cinematic monster fighting, Pacific Rim pits a series of human created robots called Jaegers against a species of giant monsters who invade the earth called the Kaijus. Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) stars as a washed-out controller and pilot of the robots who is psychically paired with Mako Mori (Kikuchi) in order to pilot a decommissioned Jaeger assigned to put an end to the Kaijus.
Wilson, Lili Taylor, Ron Livingston, Shanley Caswell WHEN: The Perron family moves into a secluded farmhouse only to realize that the house is possessed by a demonic entity. They reach out to paranormal researchers Ed (Wilson) and Lorraine Warren (Farmiga). They learn that the entity has attached itself to the family, and has no intentions of letting them go. As the Warrens delve further into the farmhouse’s history, it becomes clear that the spirit has deadly intentions. Forced to confront the powerful entity, the Warrens find themselves caught in the most terrifying case of their lives. campus talk
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oh, shit!
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” “Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.” “Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh**?”
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october 2013 Totally useless fact: The underside of a horse’s hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.
Totally useless fact: The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
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UN-FORTUNE-ATE!
?
UNE ORT.. F OF Say. Nothing puts that button on some s MSG-laced, coma-rendering Chinese iu OOKIES takeout, like the ever-informative, words C nfuc of “wisdom” found in a fortune cookie. o C The following are some of those cookies’ hidden gems (as well as a little commentary for further enjoyment)!
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Totally useless fact: When opossums are playing ‘possum, they are not “playing.” They actually pass out from sheer terror.
Descend into madness as the biggest names in horror transform Universal Studios® into your worst nightmares. From Evil Dead to AMC’s The Walking Dead, The Cabin in the Woods and more, there’s nowhere to hide. Fight for your life through eight terrifying haunted houses, a brand-new The Walking Dead street experience, and outrageous live shows—only at Halloween Horror Nights.
WARNING! EVENT MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13. NO COSTUMES OR MASKS ALLOWED. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. To enter, must be Florida Resident, aged 18 years or older. Sweepstakes begins 9/1/13 and ends at 5 p.m. (EST) on 10/15/13. Void where prohibited. Restrictions apply. The Sponsor: Campus Talk. Separately ticketed event. Event occurs rain or shine. No rain checks, returns or refunds. Prices, dates, times, attractions and entertainment subject to availability and may change without notice. Additional restrictions may apply. Evil Dead: Available on Blu-ray and DVD. © 2013 Evil Dead, LLC. All Rights Reserved. The Walking Dead © 2013 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All rights reserved.TM & © 2013 Lions Gate Entertainment, Inc. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2013 Universal Studios. © 2013 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 257457/0813/JC
YOUR LIFE IS TRITE AND WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE
Fighting Back on by John Scheck
Facebook In our dealings with other human beings almost all of us employ a filter in our communication. Only a complete sociopath would say exactly what he is thinking all of the time when addressing another person. We all face daily challenges that pit our integrity against our desire to please those around us.
White lie (noun), An often trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth.
Take the old cliché of, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Even the worst fiends waiting out the clock on death row probably wouldn’t answer a loaded question like that honestly. We avoid conflict in situations like these by obfuscating the truth with a response intended to sidestep a confrontation or lessen the severity of what would have been a straightforward answer. We could say something that is nothing short of a patent falsehood like “No, of course it doesn’t make you look fat. Why would you ask that? You’re not fat, not at all. Don’t be silly.” Or we could also save face with a half-truth like, “You know, if you’re two or three blocks away and if you stand next to something really big that dress hardly makes you look fat at all.” In these situations lying makes us good, not evil. These mostly harmless forays into dishonesty were usually so infrequent that we thought little about them. However, with the advent and general misuse of Facebook these little white lies and not saying what we really mean have become institutionalized. Because we are inundated daily by mundane and moronic status updates from friends and family, we are forced to choose one of two possible responses: We hit the “Like” button and post a feel-good comment, or we ignore the bit of stupidity. But let’s not kid ourselves; we are complicit in our silence. We are enabling the bores by not speaking the truth. Instead of taking the Nuremburg Defense of simply going along because everyone else is doing it, we could halt the intrusion of awfulness into our private lives by setting our “Friends” straight, at least once in a while. Here are a few examples of how this might play out on Facebook. 92
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Totally useless fact: Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Why it’s Paul Reiser himself.
gimmie! gimmie!
By Sarah G. Mason
Why We Want What We Want Our consciousness is an extraordinary thing. It’s what separates us from other species and enables us to not only make choices, but feel aware of them. However, this awareness has led to desires that reach beyond our instincts. Primally, we desire food, water and shelter. So what makes us want money, an iPhone and jewelry? Whether or not these things serve any survival purposes has become irrelevant; we want things.
It works like this: Instinctually, we desire objects that serve a purpose. No one wants a fork when they’re eating soup. Our ability to imagine a result leads to wants; we want electricity to have light, so that we can read, so that we can learn, so that we can work, so that we can make money, so that we can buy electricity. Most people equate an object’s worth with its purpose. It feels like this: When we’re cold, we desire a sweater. When we’re hot, we desire water. We need these things to survive. However, we also desire a television, a good book and a fast car. Why is that? Feelings aren’t just physical, they’re emotional too. The prospect of sensual and entertainment value can make an object – like that new DVD player – highly desirable. They won’t help us survive, but they’ll make us happy, so we want them.
It looks like this: Beauty is part of our culture, and we like beautiful things. We will choose the pretty shirt over the ugly one, though their functions are the same. Over time, our desires for beauty have evolved from the useful to the purposeless. A great painting is beautiful and therefore desirable, though it serves no real purpose. It rates like this: Why do we choose the name brand over the generic? Their ingredients may be the same, their functions might be identical, but we still prefer one over the other. Here, instead of being attracted to the usefulness of an object, we’re attracted to its perceived value. Cost, authenticity and rarity are all things that don’t affect an objects performance, but we want them anyway. Our opinions are influenced by popular opinion and make us desire the desirable. It’s interesting to think about where our wants began – with food, water and shelter – and how they’ve evolved – to big houses, designer clothes and new gadgets. As we continue to grow, our standard of living evolves and one thing remains the same: we want what we want.
Totally useless fact: The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pi.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
campus talk
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october 2013
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Customer disservicE Because weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not satisfied until youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not satisfied.
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