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A Look Into Web Movement
THE HAWKEYE
INITIATIVE with SYTYCD An Interview en Gottlieb Laur Competitor
A Prep Course for the
Zombie Apocalypse
St. Paddy’s
Day A Sobering Celebration?
Life in a College Town (Minus the College)
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!
CONTENTS
GOOD
P58
READING
09 A Sober St. Paddy’s Day?!?! 10 Living the Non-College
Life in a College Town 12 An Interview with Lauren Gottlieb P68 14 The Art of Objectification 16 Brewing Your Own Beer on a Budget and a Deadline 17 So You Want to Be a Lawyer 23 5 Things You Didn’t Know About Stress 30 7 Naughty-Sounding But Nice Words 32 The Golden Ratio 35 Jack of All Spades
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P09
P46 42 Spring Weekend 2013 46 Perfect Part-time Jobs
P90
for College Co-Eds 48 I Give Up on Manhood… 60 A Recent Grad’s Guide to: Office Romance 68 How 2 Survive Reality TV 81 Zombie Preparedness 101 82 Just Like Real Life 84 Ways of the Road: A Chat with Ballyhoo! 90 Lame Stuff from the 80s and 90s 93 Tipping 101
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: This year, Harvard University will deny admission to an estimated 1,600 High School valedictorians.
breakin’ it down! P66
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 18 Frank the Cab Driver
P16
22 Emails from an As$&*%% 39 Why Siri Why? 41 Scheckism
P10
P35
47 VIVA EUROPE 49 5 Things You Didn’t Know
About Coffee! 52 Music Reviews 54 Sore Thumbs P30 58 Gadgets 64 Spot the Difference 66 Beauty Reviews 70 Fashion Reviews 86 Flicks
P48
P32
P54
P52
Totally useless fact: Freud charged the equivalent of $8.10 per hour for his therapy lessons.
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER Time flies when you’re having fun? Fun or not, the semester is indeed flying by and with Spring Break fresh on the mind, it’s time to gear up for the final stretch. That said, stave your back-of-the-mind fears and doubt for the time being, because there is plenty of late nights left to put off studying. To satisfy such procrastination, CT is continuing to change and develop. This month we’ve sat down with SYTYCD competitor, Lauren Gottlieb, and national touring band, Ballyhoo!. We’ve also added some perspective on what it’s like to live in a college town as a non-college student and how to prep for the oncoming zombie apocalypse.
For a fresh view, we also attempt to answer the question: What is the Hawkeye Initiative? Let us not forget, good ole’ St. Paddy’s Day is also around the corner. Just to mix it up even more, we took a different spin and decided to suggest some sober ways to celebrate (as troubling as that sounds). Regardless of your endeavors, or the lack there of, take in all the sights, sounds and scenes of spring surrounding you, because soon enough, all you’ll be seeing are textbooks, energy drinks and your own shoddy, spastic handwriting.
Daniel Sutphin
Editor-IN-CHIEF
Lauren Douglass
CONTENT EDITOR
LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY
art director
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Graphic Design
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staff writers
Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK
Contributing Writers
Marc Douglass kelly herman Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN Sarah G. Mason
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: Christopher Columbus’s fee for “discovering” America was about $300.
luck of the irish
A Sober St. Paddy’s
Day?!?! The word blasphemy comes to mind in the mere consideration of celebrating St. Patrick’s Day without booze. However, it can be done, and done so in ways that aren’t all completely lame. Wear green Sometime in the 19th century, wearing the color green on St. Paddy’s became a show of commitment to Ireland. Eat Something Green! Food coloring is readily available. Probably don’t eat the cheese if it’s green though. Pinch someone not wearing green Not a traditional Irish form of celebration, but American culture has made it so. That being said, if you are the only sober person at the party, it’s probably not the best idea to run around pinching all the drunks. Remember pinching can result in punching!
Learn More About St. Patrick’s Day This is probably the most sobering and enlightening form of celebration. Since the Internet is provided by seemingly every electronic device available, why not gander the actual traditions that started it all?
Eat some proper Irish food
There’s more to Irish cuisine than potatoes and corned beef. Beef & Guinness Pie bringing together two of Ireland’s most famous products, beef and Guinness in a hale and hearty pie. The long-slow cooking of the filling creates tender beef, and allows the flavor of the Guinness to permeate the meat and the vegetables and produce a thick sauce. Dublin Coddle A nutritious stew-like dish made from salty bacon, pork sausages and potatoes. Shepherd’s Pie Traditionally the pie is made with ground lamb, but if using ground beef it would be called a Cottage Pie.
Irish Stew Traditionally made with mutton, but more often nowadays, made with lamb. Discussion remains over whether vegetables other than potatoes should be added; adding onions, leeks and carrots are flavorful options. Crubeens Pigs feet, lightly brined, then a long slow cooked with vegetables to create a fatty, gelatinous dish with tender lightly salted meat. The dish is renowned as a hang over cure, should you choose the booze route of celebration.
Or, you can just go to Ireland. However, that might not help support your efforts in sobriety.
Read some Irish Myths and Legends Folklore can be fun. Learn the Cúpla Focail Sure it’s deader than Latin, but learning old languages can be entertaining. Here are some basics:
Hello – Dia dhuit (Say “Dee-ah Ghwitch”) My name is John – Drink Something John is ainm dom Green! (Say “John iss ann-im dum”) Food coloring is readily available. How are you? – In the same, since this is a sober celebration, make a fruit smoothie Conas tá tú? (Say “Cunn-is taw too?”) and throw in spinach greens or I’m fine – and you? – kale for a healthier route. Tá mé go breá – Drink a Non-Alcoholic agus tú féin? Green Drink (Say “taw may go brah – There’s always O’Doul’s. og-us too fayn?”) Please – Look For a le do thoil Four-Leaf Clover The four-leaf clover is considered (Say “leh duh hull”) Thank You – a “lucky” charm in many cultures. Go raibh maith agat That being said, luck is just a superstitious means of explaining (Say “guh rev mah a-gut”) You’re Welcome – circumstance. If you believe in Tá Fáilte Romhat such things, however, you might (Say “Taw Fawl-tchah Row-at”) as well give it a go.
Totally useless fact: A person sneezing was the first thing Thomas Edison filmed with his movie camera.
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What’s Your Major?
Living the by mike stanley
Non-College Life in a College Town
Living in a college town as a twenty-something, ex-college student without a degree can be a bit uninviting. With every new introduction looms the question of either “What are you studying?” or, “What did you major in?” More often than not, once you’ve answered this dreadful series of questions, judgment pervades and the addition of a possible new friend turns doubtful. Fear not oh woeful dropout, for there is hope for you yet. Just because you preemptively ended your stay at a higher education facility, doesn’t mean you can’t return. Often times the problem is figuring out what to do. Why spend all of that money on school when there isn’t any end game? I, like many others, brought on this same dilemma after almost two years at Santa Fe College. After accruing much debt, the question came to mind as to why I was actually in school. There wasn’t an answer. I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to do and I didn’t find anything I was studying even remotely interesting. At that point in my life, I didn’t know how much I enjoyed writing yet, and I was basically throwing away money at a pathless future. It reached the point that I couldn’t pay attention in any of the classes, I couldn’t focus enough to do any sort of homework and I had no real idea of what, or who I wanted to be. Cue drop out. I initially started working when I was 16, so it’s not like I dropped out of school and did the normal student “now I have to get a job,” routine. After 10 years of employment, eight of which were spent as a cook, I realized that there is nothing I loathe more than restaurant jobs. There seems to be no greater motivation for returning to school than knowing exactly what I don’t want to do for the rest of my life. Sometimes it takes a break from college to figure out not only who you want to be, but what you want to do. After figuring these things out, it should come as no surprise that studying or doing homework will not be the horrendous task that it was when unsure of a future self. Taking out loans and making the effort will be more acceptable when you know it is going towards something in which you are invested mentally. Whatever the path, don’t stop pursuing it until you have reached your goal.
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In the meantime, you will need an arsenal of conversation starters to deter the “inquisitive” college students’ minds from discussing classes and majors. Try to keep it simple. For example, “Are you from here?” gives away plenty as to whom you are dealing with. Whether a student or not, it provokes an ongoing conversation that can either sway toward student talk or not. Be sure to keep a sense of humor handy and push through the awkwardness. Conversations are like onions (and ogres), in that they have layers. Consider the first question you asked to be the dirty outside layer that nobody thinks about once it’s gone. Then, steer the conversation towards sports, weather, current events, music, pets, etc. – anything that will keep your conversation more onion than ogre. If you’ve navigated correctly through the layers, and have kept your nemesis question at bay, it’s only a matter of time before you are crying together.
Totally useless fact: None of the characters in Shakespeare’s plays smoke.
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dance on!
Interview by Sarah G. Mason
Dancer, choreographer, and So You Think You Can Dance competitor Lauren Gottlieb talks about her lead role in the new hit Bollywood film, ABCD: Any Body Can Dance, and reveals the many inspirational moments that got her to where she is today.
L Gottlieb auren 12
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Totally useless fact: The consistency of your ear wax is genetic.
dance on! Tell me a little about how you got started in dance. I started when I was about seven years old. My mom put me in some classes, but at the time I really didn’t like it because I felt like I was behind all my friends who started dancing when they were much younger. I pretty much cried at every class I took, but my mom made me stick it out. At the end of the year recital, she said that she came backstage since she figured I’d be in tears again, but there was a new look in my eyes, and I tried to run back out on stage in the middle of someone else’s dance [laughs]. From there, I completely fell in love with dance. Once I jumped in, I never stopped. After that performance, did you know that this was what you wanted to do? Yes, I think it was right then. I vaguely remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough and my fear of letting go took a hold of me, but something must have changed on stage. There just had to be something out there that made me know that this was what I was going to do. It was crazy. How did you get involved with ABCD: Any Body Can Dance? I was actually contacted by the director, Remo D’Souza. He’s a big choreographer in India, and he’s on the Indian version of So You Think You Can Dance. He’s also a judge and very well-known in Bollywood. Apparently he was a fan of mine when I was on SYTYCD because he kept telling my costars, “I want to bring her to India one day. I love her.” Three or four years later, when this project came up and I became involved, he told me that he knew from the start who the lead girl was supposed to be. It was so crazy, I couldn’t believe it. You had to learn Hindi and Bollywood techniques for the film. Was that challenging? Oh, so challenging, but it was exciting to get my first leading role and I started to fall in love with acting. I just told myself, “Okay, I’m ready for this.” As soon
as I got out there, I was surrounded by a different language and a different culture and a different way of being. It was just so much to take on; it was the most terrifying thing. After so many years of being a dancer, what sparked your interest in acting? My interest was actually sparked while I was on SYTYCD. That was my introduction to the TV world, and I got to see how a full production was put together. It was very different from what I grew up doing, so with every project I felt like I was jumping into something brand new. I was exposed to the directing, how to choreograph, the lighting, and how everything came together, which gave me a passion for productions. Every time I saw a billboard, I must have been cursed or something because I couldn’t help but think, “I want to do that!” [Laughs.] How did you get involved with SYTYCD and how has it influenced you? Tyce Diorio is a really good friend; he’s one of my favorite choreographers, and he’s been a lifelong mentor to me. When I moved to LA, he called me and asked if I could come help with this new show, which ended up being SYTYCD. I helped him for a few weeks with choreographing, and I would sit in the audience and watch, thinking, “That looks like so much fun, I have to do that.” The next year, I actually didn’t know about the audition until the night before, but my friends persuaded me to give it a shot. Even though it was very last minute, it turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It’s a great community to be a part of and SYTYCD has done so much for the dance world, it kind of blows my mind that I was a part of that.
you’re trying to reach the people all the way in the back of the arena. You have to have presence, and make everything about your body so striking. With acting, it’s a little bit more internal. Especially on film, you have to think about the lighting and the angles and so many things. It’s totally different. How does competitive dance differ from other things that you’ve done? Actually, competitive dancing is great. You have a goal and you have to work for it, and you really feel the pressure. I think striving for something and going up on stage is awesome, especially since not many people have the opportunity to go onto a big stage as a professional dancer. What has been the biggest challenge you’ve faced in your career? I think when you find out about a project or you go into an audition, and you end up not getting the job, it’s always really hard. You begin to imagine yourself as this character and you think how much fun it would be to live into it, but then it doesn’t happen. It’s hard to be okay with that, and it takes time to let it go and say, “That wasn’t meant to be, and now I’m going to go this direction instead.” It’s a very challenging thing that takes a lot of time to understand.
What inspires you? I get inspiration from pretty much everything. I always have my eyes open as an artist and a choreographer, and I’m always trying to pull for something. Lately, since I’ve been seeing so many new kids who are coming to LA and joining this whole community of really young dancers, I think there’s so many places to look for inspiration. I get inspired when I see a little youngster dancing so well, and I think, “Oh my, I have to move!” [Laughs.] It’s really satisfying to see that. What advice would you give to a young, aspiring dancer or actor? To work hard and to never, ever give up. I see a lot of people with big dreams who get discouraged when things don’t happen in a timely fashion and they give up easily. It takes time to meet the right people and to find the right place where you fit, and I just hate seeing people give up on their dreams so easily. Are there any words you’d like to pass on to others? I would say be nice and spread niceness to everyone. You never know when you’re going to turn back and see that person, and what kinds of friendships you can make in your life.
How is being in a movie different from being on stage? Filming a movie, especially as an actress, is totally different from performing on stage. When you perform on stage,
Totally useless fact: Spain’s Queen Isabella bathed only twice in her entire lifetime.
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Hawkeye Initative HEADER
gingerhaze
The Art of By Kelly Herman
Objectification gingerhaze
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It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… Hawkeye, dressed more provocatively than a stripper! How is that possible, you ask? Well, due to an internet phenomenon that’s really “shot off,” people all over the web, with or without artistic abilities, are drawing this beautiful creature as he was meant to be seen: the symbol of a feminist movement. It’s daring. It’s disturbing. It’s even kind of hot (if you’re into that sort of thing.) It’s The Hawkeye Initiative. Totally useless fact: If an entire family is overweight, the odds are the dog is too.
Hawkeye Initative HEADER
Now, I don’t know about you, but I like my Strong Female Characters to be strong, and I like them to be feminine. I’m not a fan, however, of seeing the women I admire for their courage, wit, strength, power and intelligence being portrayed as objects – shiny, borderline-pornographic, little toys – in the pages of comic books. Now that there are more comic-related movies hitting the silver screen, it’s difficult to watch these empowered women turn into spandexed, fish-netted, tiny-waisted co-stars. Because this is not what empowerment looks like…
camillekaze
You know a pose is bad when you feel squirmy and uncomfortable. But why is this one so hard to look at? It’s because it’s Hawkeye, and his junk is the main point of this whole drawing. It’s not the badassness of the action he’s doing, or the strength with which he wields his arrow; it’s the highlighting of his privates, which coincidentally makes us vomit in our mouths a little. This is the exact reaction Noelle Stevenson was going for when she initiated a challenge: “How to fix every Strong Female Character pose in superhero comics: replace the character with Hawkeye doing the same thing.” Where did this challenge even come from? It all began when certain artists took notice of the kinds of poses that female comic book characters were drawn in. With breasts and booty bare, women in illustrations have not only had DD cups and latex catsuits to make fighting bad guys uncomfortable; they’ve also taken shape in some spine-twisting, back-breaking positions that would make exotic dancers look like heroes. Literally.
Recreations of images of the Avengers began to take place, and artists like Blue and Gingerhaze (Noelle Stevenson) got some recognition for their take on how to fix the problem of over-sexualized images. The Tumblr account for the Hawkeye Initiative has generated a lot of talk, and now that everyone is taking part in the “empowerment,” there are of course a few nay-sayers. In response to one of those few detrimentally
allonsyblue
unsocialized souls, Noelle Stevenson says this: “Does the Hawkeye Initiative make you uncomfortable? Do you think it’s demeaning or undignified for Hawkeye to be in those poses? Huh. How interesting. I think so too. And that’s IT. That’s the entire message. These poses are demeaning.”
people push him around. Why can’t we see Wonder Woman be just as incredible, without showing so much leg? Well, I guess we’ll have to get Hawkeye to fill in for her first, before we can answer that one.
It’s not about wanting to see unshaven armpits or completely obscured figures. It’s about wanting to see Strong Female Characters look just as intimidating and awe-inspiring as the male characters. And not jaw-dropping in the sense that drool waterfalls out, but jaw-dropping in the sense that you want to be that person and honor the way that they fight for what they believe in. What our culture needs aren’t more Barbies, pretending to be astronauts in skin-tight suits. We need the Strong Female Characters that make us want to be strong in our own daily lives. I’ve always looked up to Spiderman, and not Wonder Woman, because he’s smart, crafty, and he doesn’t let
Totally useless fact: The oldest vehicle in human history is a floating log.
gingerhaze campus talk
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STRANGE BREW!
By Brian Hodges
Brewing
Your Own Beer
On A Budget
And A Deadline St. Patrick’s Day is rapidly approaching and you’re still not sure where you want to spend your evening. You could make your way over to the hot bar or club, only to buy cup after cup of overpriced, overrated, overflat beer like everyone else on campus. Or you could take matters into your own hands and brew the stuff yourself. Home brewing kits, complete with hydrometers, airlocks and bottle cap applicators, are a dime a dozen online (actually more like $100 apiece) and apparently make things painfully simple for the novice brewer. But we’re on a deadline (and a budget) here! We have zero time to waste on the U.S. Postal Service. Time to go ghetto on the microbrew. With a quick trip to the local Lowes and Whole Foods, you can improvise a brewing station in your dorm or apartment capable of producing actual, drinkable, drunkable beer well before the green-shirted masses parade onto the quad. 16
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SHOPPING LIST • Malt Extract (40oz can) • Yeast (1 tsp) • White Sugar (6-7 cups) • 5-Gallon pot • 2-Liter Soda Bottles (about 12 of ‘em) •P lastic Siphon Hose (like the one on your beer funnel) • 10-Gallon Plastic Garbage Can (with lid) Step One: SANITIZE The seedy underbelly of alcohol creation is that it requires fungus to do the fermenting. That’s right, fungus, like the stuff you get in your jockstrap. It’s up to you to make sure nothing nastier gets into the concoction, so be sure to wash, rinse and sterilize every piece of equipment with bleach before you begin. If stray bacteria get into the brew, it could make you sick, but even worse, your beer will taste like butt. Step Two: BREW Pour 10 liters of cold water into the garbage can (“carboy” in brewers’ terminology). Bring seven more liters to a boil in the pot. Add malt extract and cook uncovered for 20 minutes. Add sugar and let it dissolve. Dump the mixture into the carboy, getting it good and agitated. Fungi are a lot more… fun… when you give them plenty of air. Top it off with cold water, bringing the carboy down to room temperature. Mix in the yeast then put the lid on loosely. Too tight and the carboy will explode… which can be fun in its own way, but will leave you beerless come the 17th.
Step Three: FERMENT Keep the carboy covered in a warm, out-of-the-way spot for six to 10 days. Don’t open the lid “just to check” or you’ll screw up the fermentation process. After the right amount of time has elapsed, give the brew (“wort” in brewers’ terminology) a taste. If it still tastes sweet, give it a couple more days. Step Four: BOTTLE Once the sweetness is gone and the wort stops bubbling, you’re ready to bottle the malts of your labor. Just be very careful because there are multiple ways to screw this part up, and it would be just plain dumb to blow your wad this close to the end. First, scoop two teaspoons of sugar into each two-liter soda bottle. Put one end of the siphon into the carboy and make like a kid slurping a milkshake on the other end to get it flowing. Be careful NOT to agitate the wort, lest it oxidize, making your beer taste like the piss water you were trying to avoid in the first place. Be careful NOT to fill the bottles completely, lest they explode. Be careful NOT to siphon any sediment out of the carboy, lest you have the worst beer farts in the history of mankind. Screw the caps on tight then shake to dissolve the sugar. Keep the bottles warm and ferment a few days longer before refrigerating. Step Five: DRINK Your patience and fortitude have finally paid off. Crack open an ice cold bottle and enjoy. Not only did you make the equivalent of 60 longnecks for the price of a couple pizzas, you’ve discovered a handy way of getting around those pesky open container laws, too. Refine and enhance your process by scouring the internet for recipes and brewing tips, courtesy of fellow enterprising drunks from here to Ireland. A very Happy St. Paddy’s Day indeed!
Totally useless fact: A gozzard is a person who owns geese.
No, You’re IN CONTEMPT!
So You Want
To Be A Lawyer…
Meet Lisa Jones Johnson, attorney, entertainment executive and co-author of So You Want To Be A Lawyer: The Ultimate Guide to Getting into and Succeeding in Law School. This book combines the prowess of three legal gurus in order to help prospective law students answer some tough – yet inevitable – questions in an entertaining, one-of-a-kind way. How did you come up with the idea for the book? It started with an idea that I had with one of my co-authors, Tim Francis. We were screenwriters at the time, and got to talking about our days in law school. We thought, “Wouldn’t it have been great if we’d had something that really told us what law school was about? Something that could have given us guidance?” We started thinking about how great it would be to show students what it was really like to work with a client, because it’s not like in law school where cases are neatly written out. From that idea we came up with SYWTBAL, specifically to help students diagnose their own skills and help them figure out if becoming a lawyer makes sense for them. Totally useless fact: Plants can suffer from jet lag.
What makes your book different from others like it? One thing that’s very unique about our book is that we took one of our murder-mystery screenplays and turned it into a fact pattern. It’s very entertaining because you read it as if you were working with a client. Based on the knowledge you’ve learned from the book, you must figure out what the crime is, what the elements of the crime are and what the conclusion should be. The point is, if you can do well on these “mini tests” and this big fact pattern we’ve given you, you’re probably going to do okay in law school. If you’re reading the book and you realize that you hate the reading and writing, then you probably shouldn’t go to law school. The idea was to help people decide if law school is really something they want to do, before they spend a lot of money. What type of person makes a good lawyer? There’s a difference between being a lawyer and being a law student. For both, you need to have good reading, writing and analytical skills. You must be organized in terms of your thought process, love to read and be able to read large amounts of work before digesting it, sifting through it and coming to a logical conclusion. To be a good lawyer, however, you need to go beyond that. Depending on the kind of lawyer you want to be, you must have good interpersonal skills to work with your clients and you must be a good counselor. A good lawyer is able to tell a client all of their options, but also able to direct and advise the client on those options. How’s the job market for people just graduating law school? It all depends on what law school you go to. If you go to a top law school and get good grades, you probably won’t have a hard time getting a job. If you go to a law school that doesn’t have a vibrant alumni base for networking, or one that isn’t very well known (like an online law school), then it’s going to be more challenging. Such schools may not have the resources to help their students get picked for jobs. If you want a law degree for politics or business reasons, then this isn’t as much of an issue. However, if you want to practice law then you have to think about that. How do you think things have changed in the last ten years? I think that law has become more of a business, much like everything else. It used
to be a very collegial profession and if you partnered at a law firm, you had a job for life. At one time you were expected to bring in some business, but now many firms hire non-lawyers specifically to market the firm. You have to work in a different way than you did 10 or 20 years ago. Which specialty do you think is most lucrative? That’s a hard one. If you’re good and you’re lucky, that can be very lucrative. You can make a whole lot of money as a personal injury lawyer, but maybe you don’t want to do ambulance cases. You could become an M&A lawyer (mergers and acquisitions) and do very well if the economy is doing well. Mitigation really depends on what kind of practice you have – even with personal injury types, you’re either doing extremely well or you’re not doing well at all. Bankruptcy is tied to the economy and bankruptcy is doing extremely well right now because a lot of people, companies and firms are going bankrupt. I think earnings are always tied to the economy. There’s a lot that goes into it, and I don’t think there’s a cash cow that always makes money. How easy is it to switch from one specialty to another? It’s easy early on, but it’s not that easy once you become more senior. The way that most law firms work is that when you’re relatively junior, you can rotate through the different departments. Eventually, you have to decide if you’re a corporate lawyer, and if you’re a corporate lawyer what you’re doing, and it’s the same if you decide to be a litigator or an environmental lawyer. Once you’ve passed about your third or fourth year, then it’s not going to be as easy to switch. If your son or daughter came to you and said they wanted to be a lawyer, would you recommend it? I would ask, “What do you want to do with a law degree? Do you want it just for the degree? Do you have the background and the grades to get into a top school?” If they do, I’d say go ahead and do it. If they aren’t able to get into a very good law school, then they should be prepared to find a way to pay off their loans because the chances that they’ll get a good job are not very good. It all depends on how good their background is and what they want to do with their degree. campus talk
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frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Hi Frank,
My boyfriend plays video games ALL… THE… TIIIIME! To the point where I honestly feel second place. How do I get him to pay attention to MEEE? Shayla Any man who would rather shoot pretend terrorists than touch real boobs doesn’t deserve the option. Dumping him is almost too nice. I think you should plan to sleep with his best friend during his next quest or campaign, then text him a picture of the act with the words GAME OVER. But I’m old fashioned that way. FRANK FACT: Until you’ve mastered Pong, you will get no gamer respect from Frank.
Hey Frank,
Here’s one for you. My boyfriend has a mullet. Like an honest-to-god mullet. He’s really proud of it too. Of course he doesn’t call it a mullet. He just thinks he has “really cool long hair.” What… THE HELL… do I do about this? Jaclyn Let your carpet region grow into a tropical forest and say you’ll get a trim when he does. I’m betting he blinks first… probably after he gets poked in the eye. FRANK THOUGHTS: “Business in the front, party in the back,” sounds like you dig backdoor action.
Hey Frank,
I am so freakin STRESSED. All the time. Family stuff. Boyfriend stuff. School stuff (summer classes). I know you used to be all high strung and now you’re apparently all Zen. Any advice for getting past this? Sandy MY solution was “selfmedicating” to the point of almost dying and losing all motor function for a few months. It’s pretty easy (read: obligatory) to stay mellow after that. Probably not the go-to solution you were looking for though. Have you tried yoga or crap like that? FRANK FACT: Frank has been banned from every yoga studio in the state for continually farting in downward-facing dog.
Yo Frank,
Have you ever seen or listened to Dan Savage? That guy gives way better sex advice than you! Axel Have you ever met or kissed my a$$? Because it doesn’t actually care if you get laid or not. FRANK FACT: The original idea for this column was to have Frank’s a$$ dispense the advice. Advertisers and common decency killed that plan.
Dear Frank,
My roommate keeps filling our DVR with episodes of Jeopardy. How do I get him to stop? Joel In addition to deleting anything over a month old, I say you switch his settings to record the Spanish version and see how long before he asks, “Que Pasa?” FRANK FACT: Frank still tapes his shows on a VCR.
ask Fran a question k f rank@
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myc am
pustal
k .co m
Totally useless fact: The word “gullible” is not in the dictionary.
CHARTED
MONEY BUDGETING
Amount of time spent bugeting my money.
BREAKDOWN OF AVATAR COSTS
Plot/Sript-$150
$ CGI rendering $310 Million
He’s Going to Die! Amount of money I seem to have.
CHE GUEVARA T SHIRTS VS. THE PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEM
DAYS OF HOUSEWORK
Days I get housework done
People who know who Che Guevara was, what he did and are actually communists.
Days that end in “Y”
Middle class teenage “rebels” that Che would have shot in two seconds.
Totally useless fact: There are more than 5,500 islands in the British Isles.
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shut up and drive Holla Frank!
I can’t help it. I really like showtunes. Do you think that makes me gay? Doug No, but it does make you sound remarkably ignorant for a dude whose musical tastes should really put him above such alpha male thinking and judgment. FRANK FACT: After seeing RENT Frank used a calculator to verify the number of minutes in a year.
O hai Frank.
OK b strt wit me. How u rly plz a man in bd? Georgette The only surefire way I know is to say he doesn’t have to wear a condom, but after popping a kid and some genital herpes u ain’t gonna b plzing nobody. It’s not that difficult ladies. If a guy gets off, he be rly rly plz’d. Make sure he puts on the freakin’ rubber though. FRANK FACT: Frank needed an intern to interpret that email for him.
Help Frank!
My brother keeps trying to act like an overprotective dad with any guy I’m with, grilling him with questions and acting like he’s a serial killer who’s going to rape my corpse. How do I get him to butt out? Sarita Um… I’m going to assume that this is only going on because you’re both home for the summer, which means you may just have to do all your conjugal activities at your flavor of the week’s house. If it’s an ongoing thing even while you’re at school, maybe I’m guessing it wasn’t the best idea to share an apartment with a family member. FRANK THOUGHTS: Paying family members are the only ones allowed to dispense unsolicited advice.
Hi Frank,
My boyfriend smokes. I really like everything else about him, but can’t stand this disgusting habit. No amount of pressure seems to get him to quit. Any thoughts? Laurin Lots of girlfriends will try to withhold sex as a way of providing motivation, but even the finest of booty (that is a term you young people still use right?) is no match for full-blown nicotine addiction. Rather than punishing him for it, switch to a reward-based system. For every Big O he gives you, he is allowed to smoke one in your presence. It won’t get him to quit, but at least it’ll allow YOU to reap some benefits out of his habit. On the other hand he may just dump you for another smoker. FRANK FACT: Since quitting, Frank has substituted his post-sex cigarette for a post-sex Big Mac. Farting and clogged arteries are more socially acceptable than lung cancer.
Frank Frank FRANK!
My girl is flat as a board. How can I convince her to get a boob job without looking like an a-hole? Fitz Pay for it. FRANK THOUGHTS: They’re real if you can touch’em.
Dear Frank,
I have the chance to study in Europe next semester but I’m afraid of what it will mean for me and my boyfriend. That’s a long time to be apart and remain faithful. What do you think? Leah Are you worried about him remaining faithful or you remaining faithful? Because, if you both sleep around it’s not really cheating, is it. FRANK FACT: Frank thinks French women are way sexier than American women even though they don’t shave their pits. Sexual liberation trumps good grooming every time. Follow Frank on Twitter @ FrankCabDriver
k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal myc am fran
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Totally useless fact: The most popular T.V. show in Venezuela is the “Miss Venezuela Pageant.”
very funny
Remember send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Q: Why do men get their most energy in bed? A: Because they’re plugged into the proper hole!
The class assignment in English composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his story. “Papa fell in the well last week,” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”
Q: Why are guys like parking spaces? A: The best ones are always taken!
Totally useless fact: Saunas outnumber cars in Finland.
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21
dontevenreply.com
Emails from
an ass&*%% Warning: The following email conversations are real. We mess with people on craigslist for our entertainment. From Me to ************@*********.org:
Hey there,I want your TV. I have $50 cash and can pick it up anytime. What is your number? I’ll call you for directions. Mike
From Steve ***** to Me:
hi mike. i live at 54 ********* dr. can you get it today? i dont have a phone so just show up and knock on my door. ill be home all day sound good?
From Me to Steve *****: Sounds good. I’ll be over in a few hours. Thanks, Mike
From Me to Steve *****:
Hey, I’m on Pughtown Rd right now but I am having trouble finding your house. Can you help me out? I pulled over on Wilson Rd and I’ll wait for your instructions.
From Steve ***** to Me:
i dont live on pughtown. i live on ******** dr. if you turn rite onto pughtown, then rite on bethel rd from pughtown it will take you there.
From Me to Steve *****:
Okay, I turned onto Pughtown again but I don’t see Bethel Rd. I crossed over a river and now it says I am coming up on Route 113. Am I going the right direction?
From Steve ***** to Me:
no. i said make a rite on pughtown. you made a left. turn around and go the other way. your not even close so you have a way to go.
From Me to Steve *****:
Uh...I turned around and I’m still not seeing Bethel. It looks like I’m at Pughtown and Rt. 100. Should I go down that?
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From Me to Steve *****: From Steve ***** to Me:
NO! you drove passed bethel dude IT INTERSECTS WITH PUGHTOWN. turn around and it will be on your LEFT
From Me to Steve *****:
I already turned onto Rt. 100 because you took too long to respond. It is kind of hard to turn around on this road. Doesn’t 100 intersect with 113? I’m just going to do that and then loop around back to Pughtown Rd.
From Steve ***** to Me:
no dont do that!! you will be on 100 for like 15 miles before that happens! just turn around and get back on pughtown this should be easy
From Me to Steve *****:
This would be much easier if I could just call you. What is your phone number?
From Steve ***** to Me:
i already told you i dont have a phone. how is this so confusing to you? where are you now?
From Me to Steve *****:
I think I’m on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It says the next exit is King of Prussia in 15 miles. Should I get off at that exit? Sent via Blackberry
From Steve ***** to Me:
dude why the F*CK would you get on the turnpike? didnt you notice something was wrong WHEN YOU HAD TO GO THRU A F*CKING TOLL???? jesus man you are hopeless!
Calm down. No need for profanities. I saw the toll and realized something was wrong, but there wasn’t anywhere for me to turn around so I just went through it. I accidentally went through the EZ-PASS thing instead of the regular toll and I think it took a picture of my license plate. Should I get off at the King of Prussia exit? I just passed a billboard for Geico insurance, if that helps.
From Steve ***** to Me:
i cant help you. you are beyond lost. next time get a f*cking GPS if you are this bad with directons
From Me to Steve *****:
Well, I hope you are happy. I just got pulled over for texting while driving, and going 103 in a 65. The cop is running my information right now.
From Steve ***** to Me:
how the f*ck is that my fault!?
From Me to Steve *****:
Apparently my registration and insurance are expired, so they are towing my car. Also, they said there is a bench warrant out for my arrest for not paying some speeding ticket I got last year. They are taking me to a police station in Norristown. The cop said I should be processed in a few hours. Would you be able to bail me out? Bring the TV, too. They are taking my phone now so I won’t be able to talk to you after this.
From Steve ***** to Me:
are you f*cking with me? im sorry dude but you are a f*cking idiot and im done dealing withyou
Lost
36” RCA tube TV for sale. good condition. pickup only. Very heavy. First with $50 gets it. No phone – email o nly.
EPILOGUE SEVERAL DAYS LATER From Me to Steve *****:
Hey, it is Mike again. Where were you? You never came to bail me out. I had to get a bail bondsman and now I owe like $1500. On top of that, they found a bowl and some weed in my car, and a little bit of cocaine. I’m getting charged with possession, which is going to cost me a fortune. Plus my speeding ticket which is going to be over $200. Seeing as this is your fault, I think you should pay me at least $500 as compensation. I don’t know when I will get my car back so you will have to bring the $500 to me. I live in West Chester, when can you come with the money? Also, bring the TV. Mike
From Steve ***** to Me:
listen up you stupid f*ckhead. i gave you the easiest directons and you still got f*cking lost. did i ask you to go on the turnpike and get pulled over for speeding like a f*cking idiot? did i ask you to have drugs in your car? NO. you must be smoking crack if you think im giving you $500 and the tv. im surprised the cops didnt find crack in your car you f*cking crackhead. none of this is my fault you are just a f*cking dipsh*t that cant follow directons so f*ck the f*ck off and never email me again!!!! oh and i sold the tv to someone else and the guy had no problems finding my house cause HES NOT A F*CKING MORON
Read more at
www.dontevenreply.com
Totally useless fact: Police are sometimes called the “fuzz” because London police used to wear fuzzy helmets.
Did you know…
5 By Laura aiuto
Things You Didn’t Know
About…
STRESS! The best-kept secrets to keeping your sanity, your figure and your hair.
Physically
Over 30 different hormones are released when you are feeling stressed, and no matter how many times you’ve encountered a specific stressor before – for example, cramming for a test – your body registers it as if it was the first time! Stress is also linked to hair loss, so when dad said you’re making him lose all his hair – he actually wasn’t that far off.
Emotionally
Stress is linked to pretty much all major illnesses – such as cancer – but laugther increases the amount of natural killer cells that protect your body against them. CT is here to help with endless laughs every month!
Positively
Not all stress is bad stress. Healthy stress, called eustress, causes the release of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins into your body, which enhances your physical, mental and emotional health.
Newbie Stress
According to several recent studies, freshmen in college are more stressed than sophomores, juniors or seniors. While each class has its own set of stressors, freshmen deal with the most stressing transitions. So, newbie, never fear! It will get easier – it’s a proven fact!
Stress Eating
Everybody knows digging into that huge brownie sundae relieves stress – then the guilt afterword brings it all back. Here’s a few stress-relieving foods you don’t have to feel guilty about: carbs (breads, pastas, oatmeal), fruits (oranges, blueberries, cantaloupe), vegetables (spinach, avocado, broccoli), fish (salmon and tuna – sushi, too!), nuts (pistachios and almonds) and to drink, black tea.
Totally useless fact: It isn’t a “big band” unless it has 14 different instruments.
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LIVE CONCERTS
DEMI LOVATO
SEAN KINGSTON
MATCHBOX TWENTY
PHILLIP PHILLIPS
PITBULL
THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS
MAR 2
MAR 15
MAR 23
APR 13
MAR 16
APR 20
VISIT THE WEBSITE FOR MORE EVENT INFORMATION AND COMPLETE LINEUP
FLORIDA RESIDENT MARDI GRAS AFTER 5PM TICKET
59
SAVE $15* WHEN YOU BUY ONLINE
$
99
PLUS TAX & FEES $74.99 AT GATE
One night of Universal Studios admission on any one Mardi Gras event night. Valid after 5pm.
Interpreting services provided at all concerts.
BEST VALUE!
1-DAY BASE TICKET **
88
$
00 PLUS TAX & FEES
Enjoy a full day of thrills and excitement at Universal Studios, PLUS all the evening’s Mardi Gras festivities. Online offer only.
UNIVERSALORLANDO.COM Event occurs rain or shine. No rain checks, returns or refunds. Prices, dates, times, attractions and entertainment subject to availability and may change without notice. Additional restrictions may apply. *Savings not available at Universal Orlando theme park front gate ticket windows. Proof of Florida residency required. Savings based on Universal Studios front gate purchase price of $74.99. Ticket valid for ONE (1) guest admission to ONE (1) of the 2013 Mardi Gras event nights after 5pm. Event nights are every Saturday and select nights between February 9 – April 20, 2013. Ticket excludes admission to Universal’s Islands of Adventure theme park. Offer not valid with any other promotions, offers or discounts. **The adult 1-Day Base Ticket entitles one (1) guest admission to ONE (1) Universal Orlando theme park on any one (1) calendar day. NOTE: Only admission to the Universal Studios Florida theme park includes Mardi Gras festivities which are included with the theme park admission. Tickets are non-refundable, non-transferable, and are valid only during normal operating hours. Tickets exclude admission to separately ticketed events at either of the Universal theme parks or within any of the CityWalk venues; parking; and admission to AMC® Universal Cineplex 20 with IMAX® or the Blue Man Group show. Valid photo ID may be required. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2013 Universal Studios. © 2013 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 255186/0213/AT
play with yourself
h c r ma GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: Oklahoma is the U.S. state with the highest population of Native Americans. It has no Indian Reservations.
campus talk
rs are answe page 79 on
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play with yourself
CRYPTO QUOTE
Wishing well
EVEN EXCHaNGE SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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Totally useless fact: A champagne cork can travel as fast as 100 mph when it is popped.
you sooooo cheated
h c r a m
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE where’s frank? Totally useless fact: Elvis was nearsighted and owned $60,000 worth of prescription sunglasses when he died.
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
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VisitGainesville.com
352.374.5260
Totally useless fact: Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using only the letters on the top row of the keyboard.
A C H I E V E
your goals
PERSONAL TRAINING 3 SESSIONS FOR $99 * *Limited time offer. Not valid with any other offers. New clients only.
Inside Bailey’s Powerhouse Gym
3441 W. University Ave. | Corner of University & 34th
352-373-4439
Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
baileysgym.com
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SAY WHAT? Titular
Definition: Having a particular rank or title without the power or responsibilities usually associated with said rank or title. Incorrect usage: “I can’t take my eyes off of her titular area.” Correct usage: “She is the titular president of the on-campus feminist movement.”
Cockchafer Definition: A large beetle from Europe whose larvae destroy trees and plants.
Incorrect usage: “Never pleasure yourself near a furnace… it’s a real cockchafer.” Correct usage: “The trees on my lawn are infested with cockchafers!”
Dickey Grind Definition: An inline skating trick where the skater turns 90 degrees clockwise to mount a surface, sliding with the trailing foot backward and the back skate on its outside edge.
Incorrect usage: “Be careful with that skating trick or you might fall down and get a dickey grind.”
7
Correct usage: “The skater won the competition after he landed a perfect Dickey grind.”
NaughtySounding
But Nice
Words
With the English dictionary about as fat as Garfield after lasagna night, there are far too many words to keep constant track of. Sure, we know all the basic, boring and bland definitions, but what about the funnier ones that slip through our education system and find their way to dictionary purgatory? Fear not! CT has dug up some of these oft-forgotten, always funny nouns and verbs that sound dirty on the surface but actually mean something entirely different than what your immature mind is telling you…
30
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march 2013
Shittah
Definition: The tree that yielded the shittimwood from the Bible. Incorrect usage: “I had to pay a dollahhh to use the shittah yestahhhday at Fenway Pahhhhhk.” Correct usage: “Noah built the ark from shittah wood.”
Prickmadam
Definition: A plant that makes you crap out parasitic worms.
Horehound
Definition: A bitter, perennial mint with downy leaves and square stems. Incorrect usage: “That horehound nearly paid $1,000 for five minutes of sex!” Correct usage: “My horehound is infested with cockchafers!”
Cooter
Definition: A large, freshwater turtle native to the eastern United States.
Incorrect usage: “Would you like to buy my prick, madam, to help you with that nasty virus?”
Incorrect usage: “That prickmadam’s titular area is a real cockchafer, but I’d pay $50 to do a Dickey grind in her cooter.”
Correct usage: “Would you like to buy my prickmadam to help you with that nasty virus?”
Correct usage: “I bought this cooter from the marine life shop for only $40!”
Totally useless fact: All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
BETTER THAN A GOLDEN SHOWER!
What Is The Golden Ratio? Say you’ve got a sequence of numbers: 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89…
Now say you were to examine that sequence more closely by finding the ratios between each adjacent number in the sequence. You’d soon find that the ratios become closer and closer as you move down the list. Take a look: 2/1 = 2 3/2 = 1.5 5/3 = 1.67
The Golden Ratio
Science Defines
8/5 = 1.6 34/21 = 1.619 13/8 = 1.625 55/34 = 1.618 21/13 = 1.615 89/55 = 1.618
This list of numbers is commonly known as Fibonacci’s Sequence, named after Leonardo Fibonacci. When you get far enough down the list of numbers that the ratio becomes consistently the same, then you’ve found the Golden Ratio! The Golden Ratio is an irrational number – one that has an infinite amount of decimal places and never repeats itself. Generally, the Golden Ratio is rounded to 1.618.
Sexual Attraction
The Golden Ratio is an ageold mathematical equation that helps us understand the significance of certain numbers in direct relation to each other. It has been used to dictate the scientific accuracy of difficult measurements, typically opinion-based arguments such as attractiveness. Yes, you read that right… your hotness can be mathematically defined. Take that, douchey exgirlfriend who dumped me for that Abercrombie model!
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campus talk
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march 2013
Totally useless fact: John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
BETTER THAN A GOLDEN SHOWER!
The Formula For The Perfect Face
Now that you’ve been schooled in the background of the Golden Ratio, it’s time to put some of that math to use. Let’s see if you and your friends are really attractive… or if it’s just that eighth shot of Jager that makes you look so good to everyone else.
1)
= Top of head to chin
2)
= Top of head to pupil
Now find the ratio of the following steps to find out if your face is, in fact, Golden.
3)
= Pupil to nose tip
1) Step 1/Step 7 =
4)
= Pupil to lip
2) Step 2/Step 4 =
5)
= Width of nose
3) Step 9/Step 10 =
6)
= Distance between eyes*
4) Step 9/Step 3 =
7)
= Width of head
5) Step 5/Step 12 =
8)
= Hairline to pupil
6) Step 6/Step 8 =
9)
= Nose tip to chin
7) Step 11/Step 5 =
10)
= Lips to chin
11)
= Length of lips
If any of your ratios come close to the Golden Ratio (1.618), you’ve got reason to celebrate. If not… there’s always plastic surgery!
12)
= Nose tip to lips
*OUTSIDE TO OUTSIDE
Take down the following measurements in cm:
Totally useless fact: The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
campus talk
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march 2013
33
TAKE A CARD, ANY CARD by Kelly Herman
Jack of All
Spades Tired of BS? Tired of war? Tired of old maids and go fishing? Okay the last two were a little forced, but yeah, we’re talking about card games. You can only play them so many times before you start to make up your own convoluted rules, alcoholic or not, and then everything goes to crap. Learn a few new games to not only impress your friends, but to also have a novel way of getting dru – I mean having fun on a modest Saturday night.
Remix: Elimination Uno Your classic game of Uno – with a twist. Gameplay doesn’t end for a person who’s out of cards, because the person responsible for their elimination gives them their cards. So the person whose card was played just before someone is eliminated has to give up their hand to the eliminated player. That means they are now SOL and out of the game, which means the object of the game is to go out as fast as you can in order to gain cards and eliminate other players. You also want to avoid putting a card down that lets the next player go out. The last one standing wins! Adrenaline Pumper: Suicide Based on R.L. Stevenson’s story “Suicide Club”, you’re in a life-or-death game of Russian Roulette, where the Ace of Spades is the single bullet. Anyone starts by shuffling a 52-card deck. After shuffling, the player pushes the deck to their left and the next player gets to decide whether or not to cut the deck, then take at least one card. Players get to decide how many cards they want to take, which is the thrill of the game: how many cards will it take to reach the Ace of Spades, and how long can you avoid it? Each card drawn is turned over immediately, and players can choose when to stop drawing and slide the remainder of the deck to the next victim – ah, player. They also get the option to cut the deck, then draw at least one card, and so on. When someone gets the Ace of Spades, that person is out and has to shuffle the deck for the next person, like spinning the chamber on a revolver. The last player standing wins. *Option: Betting may take place, like poker, at the beginning of the game, or with each round that passes. Side bets can also be placed on how many cards it takes to reach the Ace of Spades, or on how long it takes before someone makes a “Deer Hunter” reference.
Math Whiz: Toad Okay, so you don’t have to be good at math to play this one – but it helps. Players are tadpoles, just trying to get their spots so they can become adult toads. Each player starts with two cards in their hand, then four cards go face up in the middle, with the rest of the deck face down as a draw pile. During their turn, each player can do one of the following: take one of the four cards, take a card from the draw pile, take the top card from the discard pile or not take a card. Then they can choose to discard one card to the discard pile. Cards count for as many spots as their value, with Aces being only one spot and face cards counting as two spots. In order to gain spots, a player must have enough red cards to total 10 spots and enough black cards to total 10 spots. Whenever you get your 20 spots, say “ribit” and show your cards. The catch: Each player starts with three life tokens, and each time a player is last to get their spots, they lose a life. Each time all players pass during a round by not drawing a card and not discarding, the round ends and every player loses a life. *Bonus: You become “Toadus Maximus” if you get a hand that has a single red 10 and a single black 10, which gains you a token… or whatever drinking rule you come up with. Yeah, we’re on to you!
Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
Role-Playing: Takeover A combination of Speed and War, this strategy game takes place on the battlefield. You and your arch rivals are pitted against each other as you struggle to gain Spoils of War between deploying your Assassins and Coup d’etats! Played with at least one 52 card deck, each player is dealt five cards and draws after each move to keep five cards at all times. The rest of the deck is your Resource deck, from which any player draws a Trigger card, the top card, which starts the action. There are no turns, as everyone’s goal is to match as many cards to the suit of the Trigger card as possible. The catch: Face cards act as Assassins, which can be played only on matching suit cards, and can be deployed at any time to finish the deck. Whoever claims the deck puts it aside as their Spoils of War and another Trigger card is pulled. Game continues until no cards are left, and whoever has the most cards in their Spoils of War pile wins the war. *When you’re stuck: Call for a Peace Treaty! If you don’t have any cards you can deploy for a hand, you can request a Peace Treaty, and all players who accept it return their hands to the top of the Resource deck, cut the deck, then draw five new cards. Anyone is allowed to decline or accept the offer, and if no one accepts, the player who proposed it must follow the same rules and draw a new hand. *Role of the Joker: Coup d’etat! If a Joker is pulled from the Resource pile as a Trigger card, the first person to slap it wins. All who slapped in must give up their cards, and only the person whose hand was closest to the Joker can gain the cards as Spoils. If a Joker is pulled for a hand, and not as the Trigger card, it acts as an Assassin. Well, there you go kids. Some fresh, innocent fun for ya. Have at it, and remember: Never play betting games with strangers. campus talk
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january 2013
35
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LIVE CLOSE. LIVE COLLEGE.
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38
campus talk
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march 2013
Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
damned you siri
Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
campus talk
|
march 2013
39
charted
UNCONVENTIONAL DIAGRAMS
WE JUST HAVE NO COMMON GROUND!
SORRY AM I POKING Things in the course YOU?
ngs Thi ied ud I St
ngs Thi he t on m Exa
IT’S NO USE... WE’RE BAR GRAPH PEOPLE!
POLIGAMY IS NOT A CRIME!
40
campus talk
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march 2013
YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME!
Totally useless fact: Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
one line wisdom!
Scheck-isms by john scheck
Persistence is way overrated. Go ahead, give up. Just quit. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and least of all not to yourself. Maybe it’s just too difficult, whatever you’re doing. And whatever the hell it is that you’re doing, can you at least put on a shirt? Events in Gainesville
Get Out and About!
Spring is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.
Mar 2: Backpack w/a Ranger (Overnight) at Paynes Prairie Mar 3: Apollo’s Fire Come to the River Mar 14 - 17: NHRA GatorNationals Mar 16: Dance Alive’s Rite of Spring Mar 21: David Holt and Josh Goforth Mar 23-24: Kanapaha Spring Garden Festival Mar 23: Chili Cook Off at Oleno State Park Mar 29 - June 22: The Quest For The Fountain of Youth at the Thomas Center April 6-7: Santa Fe Spring Arts Festival April 8: HAIR at Phillips Center
www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260
VisitGainesvilleFlorida Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
campus talk
@ Gainesville |
march 2013
41
PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR!
42
campus talk
|
march 2013
Totally useless fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR!
Spring Weekend
Every spring, thousands of college students flock to Panama City Beach to party off that late-semester stress. This two-day college blowout integrates a sea of pretty partiers with an unmatched collegiate music festival. Famous DJ’s, live performances and a whole lot of bikinis will cover the beach, creating the ultimate spring weekend getaway. This year, XM Event Group is throwing two different atmospheres for the party. During the day, students can show off their sun-kissed skin at a beach party with no boundaries. Once night falls, the beach turns into a full-blown music festival with a production double the size of last year. Spring Weekend’s first headliner, Laidback Luke has rocked the stages of multiple music festivals across the globe. His dynamic style will keep the crowd’s energy flowing. Other top DJ headliners will join Laidback Luke as well. It is rumored that R3hab will be co-headlining but we will have to wait and see! This experience is a rare opportunity for universities around the nation to unite for one unforgettable weekend. “We are extremely excited for this years’ all new Spring Weekend. After listening to feedback from past attendees, we’ve decided to incorporate the old school beach party feel with a nighttime festival that’s bigger, louder and better than ever,” Mike Levitt, President of XM Event Group. “With Spring Weekend annually increasing in size, we are expecting to attract not only Florida universities, but even more schools from around the nation.” Since the revamping of Spring Weekend in 2007, this collegiate festival has reached over 5,000 attendees and continues to grow. Spring Weekend’s main audience has been represented by thousands of college students from universities across Florida such a Florida State University, University of Central Florida, University of Florida, University of South Florida, University of Miami, Florida Atlantic University, Florida Gulf Coast University, Florida International University, University of North Florida and Nova Southeastern University, with expansion plans to cater to universities and colleges throughout the southeast. Tickets are currently on sale for the upcoming two-day festival, which also includes hotel accommodations in the area.
www.springweekend.com Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
campus talk
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march 2013
43
CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2013
Muscle Shirt Bro
I
n recognition of your deluded determination to flaunt your “pecs” for all to see. It would be one thing to only wear the muscle shirt in the gym, but NO, that is not enough time for your “pecs” to shine, and oh, they will shine. In restaurants, in bars, in classes and parks, you will not deny your fellow patrons the gratification and delight that is the iridescent visual spur of your man tits! presented by signed date
GET A JOB, BUM!
Perfect By Ami Gavarian
Part-time Jobs For College Coeds After partying for a half a semester on your student loan’s dime, you’re left with little – if anything – in the tank… I mean bank. You’re not quite ready to give up your nightly bar-hopping habits just yet, but you realize that something’s gotta change if you’re going to keep up your partying at this pace. That something, unfortunately, is a job. Don’t worry! Like the Hilton sisters and Rev Run’s kids, you, too, can make an easy buck exerting less energy than an anorexic at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Read on and discover the wonders of collegiate employment… at least those of the legal persuasion.
Take A Test Get A No… not that kind. Like the Promotion short-lived FX show Testees, university science and research departments are always looking for unscrupulous and rather unhygienic coeds to help further their studies in everything from penis creams to estrogen levels… in men. You could easily net anywhere from $50–$100 per test session for something as mundane as electroshock therapy! 46
campus talk
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march 2013
There’s no need to keep pouring your hard-earned cash into every local bar and club when you could just as easily have them pay you for your not-so-hard-earned work. Getting the word out about a certain club will net you free drinks all night long and a percentage of the take at the door. It’s like sneaking into a bar and robbing their register… only legal!
Thicker Than Blood Get On The Along the same lines as using Bus… boy your body for money is the age-old occupation of donating blood and plasma. Blood will net you about as much as that lame guitarist on the street corner with $3.50 in his open case. Plasma, however, can supplement your weekly partying habits by garnering you enough loot to drink all night during 2-for-1 beer and leave you some scratch for a soggy slice of pizza when you stumble out of the club like a high school freshman who just tried wine coolers for the first time.
Free food? Check. Hot sorority chicks abound? Check. Meager compensation for eating and lounging around attractive females for a few hours? Check. Sorority house busboys are the hedge fund CEOs of the collegiate employment landscape. They get fed and paid to socialize with the hottest girls on campus. While you’ll probably make only $20 per night, you really can’t put a price on inside access to hot chicks running around in skimpy shorts and tight tees.
Totally useless fact: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Viva!
A Taste of Europe in Gainesville, FL Trips to Europe aren’t exactly a common expense on a college budget. Instead of trying to come up with all that cash, go downtown to Bo Diddley Community Plaza on March 23 and celebrate VIVA EUROPE! At the inaugural festival, guests can experience live music and dance performances, as well as food from a variety of vendors. Learn to say “Go Gators” in 10 different languages, compete in a dominoes tournament, get a henna tattoo or have your fortune told with melted wax or coffee grounds. Student and community groups from 20 different countries will have displays and offer people experiences in speaking their language, writing in their language, making a craft item, playing a game or singing a folk song. CES Outreach coordinator and festival director, Gail Keeler, said, “We are excited about offering the public fun ways to learn firsthand about Europe or to take home a piece of European culture. So many of us have a European heritage and VIVA EUROPE! is a way to learn about that firsthand.” The multi-sensory festival runs from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. and is sponsored by the UF Center for European Studies, UF International Center and Santa Fe College.
Totally useless fact: The average secretary’s left hand does 56 percent of the typing.
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I AM MAN… HEAR ME GROAN! I tried to be a real man, and although I haven’t completely given up, how far off could that be after ordering a cup of coffee that requires more instructions than a kitchen remodeling job? And to think that I used to drink coffee – regular freakin’ coffee – from a pot. Remember that? I used to go to a barber shop for a haircut; now I go to a salon. I have highlights. What the hell is happening to me? The so-called men’s magazines that I read have articles about how to blow dry my hair and exercises that will make my butt look cute. No wonder a real man like Hemingway blew his brains out. Guys who run with the bulls in this day and age probably carry purses and use their free hand to read text messages about the nearest tanning booth. Maybe now it’s called “sauntering” or “sashaying” with the bulls. Maybe the bulls aren’t as tough as they used to be. I hope not, because the old bulls would have eaten wimps like me for breakfast. This whole thing is giving me a headache. I’d take a Xanax, but I’m out of Perrier to wash it down with. I’m not sure where this long, inexorable slide into metrosexuality – or whatever you want to call it – began, but I have a pretty good idea of where it will end. I see the Village People adopting a new character into their act who dresses in Kenneth Cole and has a fresh manicure. He can keep everyone’s schedules straight on his Palm Pilot. America’s new male archetype will be the sissy in the Village People.
By John Scheck
I Give Up On
Manhood… I want a decaf, nonfat, no foam, caramel mochachino with whipped cream.
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In an incident in which a man was beating a woman on a busy street corner in Philadelphia, male witnesses to the assault called police and some even boldly took pictures on their phones. Most dudes probably just turned up the volume on their iPods to drown out the screams and kept walking to the mall. Not exactly knights in shining armor. What’s next for men? Exposed midriffs and thonged asses hanging out of our pants? Are we going to give up our weekends in Las Vegas in favor of shopping vacations in New York or Beverly Hills? Instead of trying to figure out what to do with the dead hooker in the hotel room, we’ll have to worry about paying for excess baggage on the return flight. Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery… but not in the face. I just put on an exfoliation mask. And please wait until after Dr. Phil.
Totally useless fact: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
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Aboutâ&#x20AC;Ś
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Switch out the OJ for Coffee
According to a recent study, coffee has more fiber and antioxidants than orange juice! The caffeine pick-you-up isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so bad either â&#x20AC;&#x201C; just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go too crazy. The human body can only absorb 300 milligrams of caffeine at a time, the equivalent of four cups of coffee. Any more and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll just have to pee a lot.
2020: Coffee Wars?
Coffee is the second-most traded product in the WORLD. At six million metric tons a year, coffee production is only outweighed by petroleum.
Coffee Onthe-Go
People who usually buy their coffee at drive-thrus will wait in line about 45 hours a year. Imagine if you used that time to study instead of buying coffee to â&#x20AC;&#x153;helpâ&#x20AC;? you studyâ&#x20AC;Ś
Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an Expresso?
Contrary to popular pronunciation, the shot of caffeine-infused coffee you ordered this morning is not an EXpresso. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an ESpresso, coming from the Latin word for â&#x20AC;&#x153;under pressure.â&#x20AC;? Another shocker: it has less caffeine than a cup of coffee â&#x20AC;&#x201C; itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s simply a more concentrated amount, which allows your body to absorb it faster.
Ancient Dr. Pepper
Next time you want to get your girlfriend something special, buy her a bouquet of coffee beans. Scientists have discovered 800 distinct aromatic characteristics in coffee! And Dr. Pepper thinks itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cool with 23 different flavorsâ&#x20AC;Śplease.
Totally useless fact: Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
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RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
What has feet #1 and legs, and nothing else?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couchâ&#x20AC;Ś
#5
in a hole is t ir d ch u m ow H wide, 8 6-and-a-half feet et long? feet deep, and 5 fe 1) Pantyhose, 2) Mississippi, 3) The ocean, 4) A doughnut, 5) None, there is no dirt in a hole.
#2
s a h t a h W s e y e r u fo t o n n a c but see? 50
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#3
What has no beginning, end or es middle and touch every continent?
#4
What has no beginning, end, or middle?
Totally useless fact: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Hahaha
A man in a bar is falling off of his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar, “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home?”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. A lady’s picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” He says, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
“Are you crazy,” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?” “What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”
Totally useless fact: Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least 10 times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why, thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheelchair?”
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Music Reviews
By Daniel Sutphin
Tune In Turn On Plug In
The Virginmarys King of Conflict In a deluge of bluesy riffs and gritty vocals, The Virginmarys debuts with a smash of straightforward, down-home rock n’ roll mixed with a Britpop energy and delivery – at times resembling a mix of early Aerosmith and Arctic Monkeys. Don’t let the term, “Britpop” distract you though. The mix blends best on numbers like “Out of Mind,”“Runnin’ Out of Time” and “Taking the Blame.” The production on guitars plays thick, as well as on the rhythm, reminiscent of some of Kings of Leon’s later discs. At times, in an overall listen, the album, as can the genre, gets a little bland, but the essence remains strong and pushes you through, eager to hear what’s next. 52
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Hatebreed The Divinity of Purpose Their first LP in four years, Hatebreed hits heavy and fast from start to finish. Reaffirming their blend of punk and metal, the band unleashes a string of anthemic, riotous songs preaching rebellion, defense of belief and individuality – void of compromise and forgiveness. Complete with gang vocals and thrashing guitars, this stance is fluent throughout the album, but comes together best on tracks “Own Your Own World,” “Indivisible,” “Nothing Scars Me” and “Idolized and Vilified.”
Bullet For My Valentine Temper Temper Despite their strong beginnings and rise in the Metalcore scene, Bullet For My Valentine’s new album falls short of substance and growth and sounds more like a phoned-in attempt at rehashing their former laurels. The production is sturdy, although never varies from what’s expected. The album starts strong with track “Breaking Point” and rides that energy through the next few tracks but each seems to fizzle as they go on. If still a fan of the mid-2000s Metalcore scene, this album should be a fun, time capsule of a listen.
Everything Everything Cough Cough EP The first word that came to mind in listening to this EP was strange, but strange in a good way. Going in blind, so to speak, to this EP, leaves the listener without much definition, but fascination remains. The name of the band says almost everything, in that, the music and vocals infuse a variety of genres and styles – electronic, drum and bass, trance, funk and, with the tones of the vocals and guitars, even a little rock at times. Simply listed as an Indie rock band, Everything Everything’s EP leaves you wanting more and wandering what they’ll do next. Standouts include opening track “Cough Cough,”“Undrowned” and “My Kz, Ur Bf.”
Matt Pond The Lives Inside The Lines In Your Hand The first album credited to only the singer’s name – he had other albums listed under the name Matt Pond PA – “The Lives Inside The Lines In Your Hand” brings together a mix of airy, but driving, bright pop optimism fused with meaningful lyrics and a perspective of growth. The energy pushes along the lines of Fleet Foxes and Band of Horses. Stand outs include “When the Moon Brings the Silver,” “Hole In My Heart” and “Go Where The Leaves Go.”
Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
We can help you find your way to your next apartment…
WWW.COLLEGERENTALS.COM
game on!
Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin
God of War: Ascension PS3 March 12 The latest addition in the God of War franchise, Ascension brings players back to Kratos on his journey for freedom, redemption and the clarity to avenge his family. Aside from playing the main storyline, players can also take part in 8-player multiplayer battles. 54
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Tomb Raider PS3 PC Xbox 360 March 5 Armed with raw instincts and the physical ability to push beyond the limits of human endurance, Tomb Raider explores the origins of Lara Croft and her ascent from frightened young woman to a hardened survivor. This character-defining adventure pairs physicsbased game play with a heart-pounding narrative.
BioShock Infinite PS3 PC Xbox 360 March 26 Breaking away from the underwater setting of the first two games, BioShock Infinite takes players into a floating city held aloft by dirigibles. Set in 1912, you play as Booker DeWitt, a disgraced former private detective who’s picked up a new case. He must find Elizabeth, a young girl being kept in the flying city. Over the years, rumors have spread about the city for Columbia is said to have unlawful heavy armament and deranged citizenry.
Gears of War: Judgment Xbox 360 March 19 Gears of War: Judgment is a prequel to the original trilogy, taking players back to the immediate aftermath of Emergence Day – the defining event of the Gears of War universe. Players follow Kilo Squad, led by Damon Baird and Augustus ‘The Cole Train’ Cole, as they fight to save the city of Halvo Bay. Gears of War: Judgment offers a variety of new multiplayer experiences, including OverRun, a new class-based competitive mode that will pit Locust and COG soldiers in a head-to-head battle.
We Sing Pop Wii
(In Stores Now)
One of nine other games in the We Sing series, We Sing POP provides a range of singing games, allowing four players to sing simultaneously with four microphones. The game’s features include solo, karaoke and party modes, and holds track lists from the world’s biggest artists, such as Lady Gaga, Outkast, Adele and Rihanna.
Totally useless fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
clip & put on roomy’s door
THE ORDER
Chief Investigator, City Police Department
THIS APARTMENT/BEDROOM HAS BEEN THE SCENE OF THE FOLLOWING OFFENSES: PUBLIC NUDITY, NOISE VIOLATIONS, BREAKING OF THE 5-SECOND RULE, FASHION FAUXPAS, NAUSEATING BODY ODORS, DWARF TOSSING, PYROTECHNICS AND ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY. THE ABOVE CRIMES ARE PRETTY BAD, BUT WHAT REALLY MAKES THIS A HORRENDOUS AND HEINOUS CRIME SCENE IS THAT THE INHABITANTS ARE SLOWLY KILLING THEMSELVES WITH GREASY FRIED FOOD, MASS QUANTITIES OF CHEAP ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES, EXCESSIVE TELEVISION VIEWING AND NEVER-ENDING VIDEO GAMES.
DO NOT ENTER CRIME SCENE
Date:
Location:
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE! By Daniel Sutphin
bEm wireless: mobile speaker The new bēm wireless speaker provides precision-tuned sound wherever you go. The speaker measures smaller than a tennis ball and is great for on-the-go use and travelers. The wireless range stretches 40 feet and a mini USB port charges the device. There is also an Aux In and Aux Out for the connection of other devices. $69.99 www.bemwireless.com
Tagg: The Pet Tracker
Bitemyapple.co The Snooze
A perfect accessory for your mobile device, the Snooze is a sleek and unique bedside dock designed to eliminate the ‘morning fumbles’ and get you to class on time. The Snooze is crafted from solid, Maple or Oak in a variety of finishes. Slide the Apple smart phone horizontally into the cut out tracks for a secure, safe fit. A non-slip, silicone bottom allows for a firm grip on the bedside tabletop, and a large rubber top serves as a giant snooze button.
No matter how you might try to protect your pet, there will always be that underlying fear of them getting away or disappearing. Tagg is a solution to help ensure that your pets are safe and healthy. With GPS tracking, Tagg makes certain your pets are where they are supposed to be. If your pet isn’t getting its vet-recommended amount of exercise, you can also track where it has been.
$39.99 www.bitemyapple.co
$99.95 www.pettracker.com
FAVI Entertainment: SmartStick
Although convenient, Smart TVs can still run a little high for a college budget. FAVI’s SmartStick is an affordable plug and play device that allows you to browse the internet, watch your favorite movies, music, apps and games on any HDTV. You can access thousands of apps available via Android Marketplace HBO GO, Flixter, YouTube, Pandora and much more. The device is also Plug and Play, which means no subscriptions are needed. starting at $49.99 www.favientertainment.com 58
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Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
GET THESE IN YOUR LIFE!
Phiaton: PS 210 BTNC Offering the freedom of wireless Bluetooth technology, the PS 210 blocks 95 percent of ambient background noise, which can be great for studying between classes. It features built-in Bluetooth 3.0 technology, which provides better bandwidth and sound quality compared to previous generations. Everplay-X technology allows you to continue listening to music even if the battery runs out and full inline musical controls allow you to take charge of your songs without having to find your device. $159 www.phiaton.com/partners
Phiaton Moderna
Phiaton’s new genuine carbon-fiber Moderna earphones offer a powerful bass response and crystal clear sound. Its red and black design gives a unique look to the lightweight body. Its new “Multi-Tune Acoustic Design” allowed Phiaton sound engineers to combine the bass response of in-ear style buds with the crystal clear high frequency response of open-ear style earphones. The Moderna earphones’ tangle-free oval shaped cable includes a built-in microphone for easy use while on the go between classes. $149 www.phiaton.com/partners
Blendtec The Designer
Smoothies or shakes often provide a healthy, quick alternative for eating on the go, which is often the case with a busy college schedule. Blendtec’s new Designer series of blenders have been engineered to bring a new level of beauty and functionality to the high-end blender category, without compromising power and efficiency. It’s new slider interface gives complete control over blender speed. A flat, sealed, control surface area and a smooth motor base design make cleanup as easy as a wipe of a damp cloth. A new air-flow design keeps the blender cooler. A 1560-watt standard motor provides the quietest Blendtec blender ever built for home use. $454.95 www.blendtec.com
Totally useless fact: Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
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but… sir!
A Recent Grad’s
Guide to:
So, you just graduated and you’re finally entering the workforce. Excited to hook up with all your officemates? You should be. But you need to tread carefully – no matter how “progressive” companies claim to be, some HR departments will still come down on you like a ton of bricks if they think you’re using the terms “spread” and “sheets” in a context that doesn’t involve Excel.
Dating a superior
That said, the taboo of the office romance is fading to some extent. Yes, there was a time when a little cubicle copulation was considered anathema to a successful career. But while many people profess a “don’t deuce where you eat” philosophy with regards to getting it cracking in the workplace, the stats show that at least 40 percent of workers have. Young people are working longer hours, and as the work-life balance shifts further toward the “work is life” end of the spectrum, the office has become the new bar (with the only difference being that you have to wear headphones when you listen to “Living on a Prayer”). Before you dive in head first, consider a few crucial questions: Will an “affair de cubicle” alienate you from the rest of the office? Will your suit accommodate a surreptitious Texas tuck when the CEO rounds the corner? Do you really have no other prospects? If you do decide to play with fire, here are the different scenarios you might run into: 60
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Dating an equal
If you are dating another newbie, it’s mostly up to the two of you to decide if competing for the same promotions, raises, and projects will breed ill will. Most other people won’t care as long as there’s not too much repulsive canoodling in the break room. However, think about your work-life balance – at the end of the day, the last thing you want is a reminder of work, even if that reminder has boobs.
When the boardroom becomes the boudoir, you’d better make sure you’re not the one under the table on all fours (unless you’re plugging in the projector). Let’s be blunt: sexing your boss is almost always a bad idea. Even if you successfully pull off an unethical plan to get ahead through sexual favors, the rumor mill is quick to spot an unjust promotion. If you really “like” your boss, check your feelings to make sure they are genuine. Then check his or her hand for a wedding ring. Then quit the job and get it cracking.
Dating an inferior
Most of us don’t have to worry about this because we are the inferiors. But again, the issue that arises here has to do with maintaining “professional integrity.” Of course, the interns are always fair game, regardless of age – they can’t find the paper for the printer, let alone HR.
Totally useless fact: The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
but… sir!
What about the janitorial staff? Dating a client
If your job involves going to a lot of dinners or entertaining clients outside of the office, you never know what might pop off once the vino starts flowing. Know your own limits and remember that your job is not to jump people’s bones (at least I hope not). If your boss finds out, your actions will not be looked upon favorably. If he or she is the one cajoling you to flirt for business, ask yourself why you decided to work for Don “Magic” Juan.
Dating someone in a different department
“Cross-pollination”may seem like the safest bet, but remember that it has also bred some of nature’s biggest freaks, like the labradoodle. Lindsey Pollack, author of From College to Career: 90 Things to Do Before You Join the Real World, illustrated the pitfalls of this move for me: “When I was working at a dot com several years ago, I went on a few dates with a cute guy in the IT department. After it ended, I was too embarrassed ever to call IT support again, even when my computer got a serious virus!” The lesson is simple: never date a dude who has access to your computer.
The janitor has access to three important things: keys to the supply closet, a late-night schedule, and the wherewithal to quickly clean up the “scene of the crime.” Worth considering, perhaps.
Final precautions
In all cases mentioned above, avoid P.D.A. at all costs. Petting, kissing, and even subtle hand-holding will alienate both of you (or all three of you!?) and make work uncomfortable for others. Be wary of swapping love notes over company e-mail or treating the Christmas party like Freaknik. And finally, always be prepared to deny everything when the crap hits the fan. At the end of the day, office romance is a Pandora’s Box that’s probably not worth opening. But when the juice is worth the squeeze, you’d better believe that no pant suit or necktie is going to stop nature from taking its course. Just remember that work is stressful enough without exes lurking in the corridors and people asking why you “never call IT” anymore. Be smooth, be smart, and always protect your assets. Chris Schonberger is a senior editor of Gradspot.com, the destination for life after college. He is also co-author of The Gradspot.com Guide to Life After College, available for $14.95 on Amazon or as a free downloadable e-book at Gradspot.com/book.
Totally useless fact: Almonds are members of the peach family.
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CHARTED
HOW DOES LADY GAGA EAT HER STEAK
Well Done
Medium Rare
Rare
Raw Raw Raw Raw Raw
ACCORDING TO TEACHERS THE WORST THINGS IN THE WORLD ARE
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Late Work
People who Don’t Try
Tardiness
Wikipedia
Totally useless fact: ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
CHARTED
NERD LOVE SOLVE FOR “I” 9 x -7 i > 3 ( 3 x 7u ) 9 x - 7 i > 9 x 2 1u -9 x -9 x - 7 i > -2 1u -7 -7 i<3u
WHAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN I WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND
I have an Aunt who is left handed
How can you write like that?
Left-handers are so creative!
Are you left handed?
Totally useless fact: It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
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spotted!
the place beyo nd the Pines
Spot The Differences
MARCH 20, 2013
Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Eva Mendes
THE WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S HAPPENING NETWORK
Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Happening Truck
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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.
Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.
Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.
From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.
Totally useless fact: In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
spotted!
CHECK
LIST
1) Guy has diamond earring, 2) Pencil missing from foreground, 3) Guy's shirt is different color, 4) guy's eyes are different color, 5) white patch missing from his left arm, 6) plant appeared in background, 7) cupboard appeared in background left, 8) mug appeared in foreground
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Totally useless fact: Winston Churchill was born in a ladiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; room during a dance.
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spring into beauty
fabulous you By sarah g. mason
Who says you need New Year’s to make a resolution? This March, commit to looking your best with the help of these fabulous new products. Organix Moroccan Sea Salt Spray and Surf Paste
Achieve a post-beach mane without ever having to step foot on sand. A sea salt infused formula creates sexy and voluminous waves year round. $7.99 Walmart Per-fékt Lash Perfection Gel A breakthrough, multi-use formula achieves high-impact Hollywood lashes by volumizing, lengthening, separating and conditioning in one fell swoop. $30 www.perfektbeauty.com
Per-fékt Eye Perfection Gel With its exclusive palladium tip applicator, this modern gel-mousse glides on effortlessly to give the eye area a smooth, airbrushed finish. Cucumber extract reduces the appearance of puffy, tired eyes, leaving you looking per-fékt. $45 www.perfektbeauty.com
China Glaze; Keep Calm, Paint On Soft green hues remind us of sea foam and sunny days. $6.99 Sally Beauty Supply stores, www.sallysalon.com China Glaze; Mimosas Before Manis This coral polish has a light wash of shimmer for just the pop you need. $6.99 Sally Beauty Supply stores, www. sallysalon.com
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Per-fékt Cheek Perfection Gel This modern cheek perfector adds gorgeous tone and definition to your face while providing skin-lovin’ ingredients. Ditch the brush and sponge for today’s fresh, natural-looking blush alternative. $28 www.perfektbeauty.com Suki Lip Repair Butter A unique, long-wear, lip-saving balm that leaves lips soft and sensuous. A grapefruit scent uplifts you as it quenches dry, chapped lips. $10.95 Whole Foods nationwide, www.sukiskincare.com Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
spring into beauty Kenra Platinum Texturizing Taffy
For flexible styling without stiffness, this texturizing taffy will sculpt, define, and hold hair in place. Light coconut oils produce a perfect shine you’re sure to love. $22 Professional Salons Nationwide, www.Kenra.com
Kenra Platinum Blow Dry Spray
Salon Perfect ColorEnhance Lashes in Plum Lashes that are subtle enough to give a lovely nuance to your flirty faux fringe. Comes with a colorcoordinated mini eyeliner. $4.38 Walmart stores nationwide, www.salonperfect.com
A lightweight protectant that eliminates frizz, increases shine, and resists breakage and humidity with defense that will last all day and night. $13 Professional Salons Nationwide, www.Kenra.com
Salon Perfect Nail Art Liner in White Create fine lines, bold tips, half moons and more with this handy liner. $1.98 Walmart stores nationwide, www.salonperfect.com
Bodycology Paradise Passionfruit Fragrance Mist
This blissful blend of guava nectar and sweet pineapple has arrived just in time for spring. $3.97 Walmart stores nationwide, www.bodycology.com
Bodycology Miami Mango Fragrance Mist
Unleash your wild side with this delightful blend of mango and ripe berries. $3.97 Walmart stores nationwide, www.bodycology.com
Salon Perfect; Call Me Fuchsia glitter is what will set your nails apart. $3.98 Walmart stores nationwide, www.salonperfect.com
Dr. Hauschka Hand Cream Formulated with nurturing plant oils and beeswax, this daily hand moisturizer softens and protects skin without the oily residue. $19.95 www.drhauschka.com
Girl Uninterrupted Star Package This all-natural supplement alleviates PMS symptoms, finally giving you the relief you’ve always wanted. Includes one collectable compact with mirror, a 5-pill pack, and an official Girl Uninterrupted wristband. $10 www.GirlU.com
Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
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UNSCRIPTED! How
2
A
Survive
dmit it! Our lives are consumed with the gossip and glory of reality show stars. We watch, discuss, comment on Facebook, TiVo every episode and vote off contestants like it’s our job. What’s worse is that many of us would trade our boring private lives for a day in the reality show circuit and a shot at our own chance to get eliminated. But before you rush off to auditions with your chemically bleached smile and that barely passable ensemble, you might want to jot down a few notes. And remember – save something for the confessional!
on By Naomi Piercey
Expect to be misrepresented
Viewers hate mundane. If you don’t subject yourself to a few violent outbursts or a lesbian make-out montage, the channel will get switched faster than when your parents walked in on you watching gay porn. So act up – the less boring and more mischievous you are, the more airtime you’ll get. How do they make those girls on The Bachelorette seem so ditzy? They cut out the film of them making informed decisions and remembering the punch lines of their jokes. And why is Elimidate still on the air? Because the half hour we watch is simply a compilation of wardrobe malfunctions and lip locks. America loves a mess! 68
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Stay on the lookout for true love
rea
Of course, the real reason you are on the show won’t matter if you find a soul mate along the way! Viewers are living vicariously through you, so if you can’t find a little lovin’ then where is the hope for the rest of us? Take Jersey Shore for example. We used to watch every episode, but now we only watch the ones with hot hookups. Remember A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila? She was just a lonely bisexual looking for a life partner, not a Z-list celebrity selling her soul for 15 minutes of fame. At least that’s what I’d like to believe (Dominico, I LOVE YOU!).
Leave your inhibitions at the door
You don’t want to be forgotten, whether you win or lose, so disregard anything your mother ever taught you about selfcontrol and dignity. You could be the first person kicked out of the house, but your name will live on forever! If Fear Factor had made you eat goat testicles, you would have slurped them up and smiled. Remember William Hung’s American Idol rendition of “She Bangs” which garnered quite a bit of ridicule from Simon? He let it all out and made bank just from that one audition! You, too, can be famous for being an eyesore.
Stylize a catchphrase
Pop culture is teeming with famous quips and quotes, and your “That’s hot” could be just a few camera shots away. Plan accordingly. Don’t drain your energy over the actual creation of your catch-phrase, but focus your time on spreading it far and wide. It’s got to come out of your mouth at least three times per episode, which means you’ll have to utter it approximately every 20 minutes. Tim Gunn’s “Make it work” is printed on loads of merchandise for Project Runway. Plus, anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock can easily spot Snooki or a Kardashian at this point in the game.
Totally useless fact: Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
TV
ality Flaunt an addiction
Have a premeditated meltdown
Meltdowns, whether they be about your lover, your ex-lover, your lover-to-be, your panties that got thrown in the pool or whatever else… they’re just downright delightful. Highlights of a good meltdown include extreme yelling, loud doorslamming, throwing of glassware and dishes, uncontrollable sobbing and physical fighting with roommates. Think Vanilla Ice during The Surreal Life, or better yet, Screech (a.k.a. Dustin Diamond) during Celebrity Fit Club. That was a nasty one.
If you’re not hopped up on something, your act won’t be as believable. Plus, viewers feel more connected to the reality stars that have problems – it shows they are vulnerable and make mistakes just like us lowly normal people. If only they’d reach out and let us love them! Can’t stand the idea of snorting or injecting anything into your temple of a body? Try caffeine; it’s addictive for sure. Or get into a habit of chewing gum; it at least will annoy your roommates. Take, for example, the stars of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Someone just committed suicide after having been a cast member on the show. I don’t care who you are, or what you like, that’s some real gripping reality television.
Totally useless fact: A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Embrace your low self-esteem
We love train wrecks! America is just one long line of rubberneckers and reality TV is the eight-car pileup on the Interstate of life. No, you don’t look like Giselle or Zac Efron, and the truth is you never will. Show the world that you’re insecure and ugly – we’ll just love you more. The girls on America’s Next Top Model are beautiful and have banging bodies, but they get sent home in shame to manifest eating disorders. And look at the patients on Extreme Makeover; if you don’t walk away from that without wanting a nose job, you’re way too confident.
UNSCRIPTED!
Everything I Know I Learned From Reality TV:
• A lliances are for losers • Own your nickname – it will stick with you longer than your real one • Once you sell your soul to television, you never get it back • Bad people make for good TV • Personality trumps talent • Always take the deal • If you’re not 5’9” and 110 pounds, you’ll never walk the runway • The more skin you show, the longer you’ll last • Renovating? It’s always best to break something valuable • Hold out on the lifelines – you’ll need them later • Stick to the script
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summer fashion
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By Sarah G. Mason
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Totally useless fact: There are more chickens than people in the world (at least before that chicken-flu thing).
Totally useless fact: The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
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Totally useless fact: The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
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Totally useless fact: The â&#x20AC;&#x153;poundâ&#x20AC;? key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
Totally useless fact: The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
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E S T AT E S G A I N E S V I L L E . C O M THEESTATESUF@GMAIL.COM • 352.692.1313 • 3527 SW 20TH AVE
Totally useless fact: Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
march
QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
TRY SQUARES
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exchange
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even
MEGA MAZE
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Totally useless fact: The volume of the Earth’s moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
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hahahaha
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring. for some time. at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed. “Funny,” he muttered. “You even sound exactly like her.”
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Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they came across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stood there watching, and after a while one of them says, “ I sure wish I could do that!” The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I’d pet him first.”
A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge.”
Totally useless fact: Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Paul Reiser himself.
RUN FOR YOUR By Kevin “Kage” Pearson
General zombie rules:
We are all sure the Zombie Apocalypse is imminent. Whether it is caused by some man-made biological warfare, plague or cancer cure gone wrong, doom lies in the future. The best part of watching a zombie flick is pretending it happened and planning the escape scenario. Truth is that most people will turn into the walking dead without a chance to avoid catastrophe. The first line of defense for the Zombie Apocalypse will be weapons, preferably guns. The future gun control laws might create a predicament for preemptively arming oneself for the rush of a zombie horde. But, it being the apocalypse, law is pretty much out the window. So guns will be available, but ammunition will be scarce. A 10-round clip might take out a few walkers and leave you indefensible to the rest of the horde while trying to reload the rifle. The greatest number of zombies will be located within big cities due to the populous areas having the fastest disease transmission rates and the fact that people are their food source.
The urban area will also be a much needed place for any survivors to find supplies like medicine, canned food, fuel, batteries and possible Hooters/ Wing House employee’s that may be in distress! With the lack of ammo and need for supplies, a dilemma is created that can be solved by one word: PARKOUR Parkour is the art of traversing from point “A” to “B” as quickly as possible. It is an activity involving moving along a route in the quickest most efficient way available by way of running, jumping or climbing. This is best practiced within inner cities containing lots of obstacles. Sometimes it is called “free running”.
• Shoot in brain to kill or decapitate by traumatic force. • Cannot swim, however, will not die in water. • Cannot climb ladders.
• Very stupid without emotions or recognition of pain • Instinct to bite like 1990s Mike Tyson or a drunken 20 something with a fetish for sadism.
Having to enter the belly of the beast will require some extensive Parkour skills. Drew Drechel, a 24-year-old Gainesville free runner, is a certified American Parkour (APK) instructor over at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He is noted for his performance on televisions’ American Ninja Warrior for two seasons making it to the finals in Japan for season one as well as Las Vegas for season two! Drew was also a competitor on another show, “Jump City: Seattle”, airing on the G4 network. Drew said, “I think Parkour is the ultimate way of survival for the zombie apocalypse because in order to survive you must be quick, agile, resourceful and have the ability to adapt to your environment. With Parkour you have all these attributes and can evade just about anything that chases you”.
ideal for a typical free runner. Let’s face it, if you can easily elude all your friends in a game of tag, then you should have no problem getting away from a few mindless undead. If you feel like the possibility of being overwhelmed is approaching, run a 12-foot wall with ease to gain the necessary ground on your pursuer. Remember, zombies cannot climb and lack the metal processing required to realize there is an elevator.
Environments requiring climbing, jumping far distances or the ability to be precise with movements are
As with everything, there is the good and the bad. Free runners on television dramas are notorious for eluding police officers in hot pursuit. However, check out the YouTube bloopers and you’ll find many accidents during these high-risk engagements. Injuries like ACL, MCL and meniscus tears plus cracking a femur or tibia may occur. Even Drechel has experienced such injuries.
Here are some Pros and Cons of Parkour during a Zombie Attack PROS Great for inner city traveling Easy escape from the undead in multistory buildings Great for elevation gain (to evade the undead AND to look down a girl’s blouse) Can scale walls in dead end alley ways
CONS Time needed to become proficient may exceed survival High risk maneuvers may leave one debilitated with injury Movements may be loud and attract a horde Not very applicable in open, flat terrain
A good place to fortify during the apocalypse will be a Wal-Mart, Cosco, or Sam’s Club. These places have all the supplies needed under one roof and most of the food has a long shelf life. They also use large stackable shelves for storage between isles, which can be turned into a Parkour obstacle-training course so one can prepare for the outside chaos. Many people will seek control of these places so beware of other humans who don’t appreciate the idea of sharing. Free running has no scientific proof to be effective in stopping bullets. Placing decoy zombies around the facility might help provide a defense and warning system. *Rule number one is cardio according to the film Zombie Land.
Totally useless fact: The original story from “Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights” begins, “Aladdin was a little Chinese boy.”
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A truth, universally acknowledged
JUST LIKE REAL LIFE by Kelly Herman
The LBD: The Reality of Fiction It’s hard to find something that really speaks to the life of a college student nowadays, because most of the shows we watch – The Office, Archer, and How I Met Your Mother – don’t really connect on an “I know how it feels” level. Everyone needs something they can watch every week that makes their problems seem a little less problem-y, and that’s what you get from the webshow, the LBD.
Reasons to watch • If you know anything about being in college, you know there are so many other things that can get in the way of your original plans. • If you know anything about relationships, you know how difficult it is to make a good first impression (and keep it.) • If you know anything about the book, you’ll gush over the Q&A videos. • If you don’t know anything about the book, it’ll make you want to know. • If you know anything about a good movie or TV show, you’ll know that there are moments that are worth re-watching the whole story.
If you’re not familiar with whom Lizzie Bennet is, recall the famous novel Pride and Prejudice. You’ve probably heard of it, and have probably scoffed at the fact that it’s a love story. Well, it’s not. Elizabeth Bennet is the main character, whose friends and family take part in various subplots involving parties, scandal and humiliation. Sounds great, right? Not only do these party animals love them some late-night card playing, drinking and dancing, but they’re also just like the people many of us know and care about.
characters even develop their own vlogs to show their side of the story. The main vlogger, Lizzie, is in a situation that all college kids go through: You go off into the real world excited about your future, hoping that your degree will help you get the job you’re passionate about. Meanwhile, your mother hassles you about dating, and you are the poorest you’ve ever been in your life. Seriously, who hasn’t bought Ramen in bulk at some point in college?
The Lizzie Bennet Diaries features stunningly real characters, relatable story lines and a truthfulness that branches out into all aspects of social networking. The characters have their own Twitter accounts and communicate about events in “real time,” and some of the
The web series focuses on staying true to the original story, but it also fleshes out the background characters in the novel. These are characters that make decisions that drastically change their lives, which maybe you empathize with because you’ve had to make
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similar sacrifices. Maybe you empathize because a friend thought what you decided to do with your life was settling. Maybe you can relate because you moved to get away from a failed relationship. Maybe you connect because you know what an abusive relationship looks like already. They are the minor characters who, behind the lens of Lizzie’s camera, can be seen as more than just subplots. Their heartbreaks, their jobs and travels, their lighthearted banter and serious conversations, can all be felt at some level. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, however it ends, begins as a sincere letter to the world about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness through short captivating videos. They’re regular people who live in a regular world with interactions that resemble much of our own. Although…we usually don’t replay moments in our lives using costume theater. But that’s just a bonus of the LBD.
Totally useless fact: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
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listen UP!
: Ways of the Roawdi A Chat with Ho Ballyhoo! Spangler from
Reggae/rock band Ballyhoo! packed out High Dive in Gainesville, Fla. recently to kick off their 2013 Winter Wonderland Tour. Having just finished their latest studio recording, “Hardcore Hooligan,” the band is touring across the country, as well as playing the 311 Caribbean Cruise in March. Ballyhoo! has been gaining national attention this past year after playing the full Vans Warped Tour, being named on MTV’s 100 Bands to Watch List, reaching No. 1 on SiriusXM Faction, and premiering their latest music video with FUSE TV back in December. CT caught up with the band’s guitarist and vocalist, Howi Spangler, after sound check to talk the band’s recent successes, touring and the Winter Wonderland Tour, their influences and sound, and his thoughts on the future of Ballyhoo!
How long have you guys been together? We’ve been together since about early high school/late middle school. We didn’t start touring until six years ago. We’ve been putting out albums for 12 years, but it was a big gap. By the time we started touring in 2006, it was a completely different era of our band; the sound had really progressed when we decided we really wanted to do it. You guys have been relentlessly touring and recording recently. Were you always this active? It seems to get more and more. The types of shows we play seem to get better, which is natural. In 2005, we had friends invite us to do a few shows in the Carolinas. I think we did four or five shows, and we loved it, so we got a van. A couple friends of mine got together and booked a six-week tour that went as far as Texas. From that, it just kept going. We started campus talk
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WE
in the East coast and then went to the Midwest, then we got picked up by an agent and started going to California and back. After that, you know, it just seemed like a natural thing; to not be on tour is the weirdest thing. Do you think that the band’s work ethic with constantly touring has been a major contribution to how its popularity has grown, as opposed to focusing more on albums? Absolutely man, the cool thing is – and it’s always a combination of everything that you’re doing – the music has been very viral, in some respects. A lot of people caught on just from word of mouth. We’ll go play a couple places, and then we’ll come back months later, and there’s more people. If you keep going back and hammering it all year long, in different markets and cities, eventually people will start coming out to the shows. It
helps when you go on tour with bigger bands too, like we did Warped Tour last summer, and we’re already seeing the benefits of that. What has kept you guys together for so long? I think it’s the love of playing music, the love of writing songs and having people make those songs their own, and the idea that we never, ever want to work a regular job. I’ve seen a lot of people back home that just stick around town, and that’s fine, but that’s not what I wanted. I wanted to do something else, and so far it’s been pretty awesome. As far as genre, how did your styles get put together? Was it something you consciously did, or did it just happen fluidly, on its own? We started as a pop-punk band. I was really into pop-punk and that sound. About a year after we started, I began listening to ska and
Totally useless fact: Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop Faster than the rest of us.
listen UP!
JAMMIN’ Interview By Daniel Sutphin
ska-punk. I was listening to bands like the Suicide Machines, Operation Ivy, Reel Big Fish. It was really cool because it was fun and it’s got rhythm and groove to it. I started mixing it with my pop-punk stuff and that’s kind of how it all happened. We’ve sort of been building outward from that point. Did it take a while to hone the sound to how it is now, or had it just progressively happened? It’s been a natural, pretty organic process, I would say. Nothing’s ever forced. We’ve tried different sounds and stuff, just because we love jamming and making up sh*t. There have been a few songs that – and we just finished our new record a couple days ago – were on there that were just jams and we thought. “Ah, it doesn’t really fit with everything else, and it’s too left field.” We jam all kinds of sh*t, but eventually it all comes
back to the core sound. We do branch out with a few songs a little bit. It’s been a slow progression; in the sense that we don’t want to alienate any of our old fans either. What would you say have been your greatest accomplishments so far? I guess touring with one of my favorite bands, 311. I grew up listening to those guys, and then now, they’re asking us to play shows with them. When I was a kid I dreamt about that sh*t, and now it’s like, “Holy f*ck, it’s happening.” So it’s stuff like that, like doing tours, putting out an album, getting played on the radio. It’s just, when you realize – when your band is told that you’re going to get put on regular rotation with your favorite bands… huge accomplishment. I couldn’t believe it. What would you say is the biggest lesson learned on the road?
That are so many lessons; there are things that you don’t even know, that you just learn and you’re like “Oh, okay, alright I didn’t know that.” It’s ridiculous; anywhere from making sure the van has had maintenance work done before every tour to learning what it is to be a professional band. Where do you see the band in 10 years? I want to still be going, man. This wasn’t just something like “Eh, we’ll start a band and go play some music and stuff.” It was something that I’ve wanted since I was a little kid, like six years old, maybe smaller than that. My dad was a drummer, and he was in a bunch of bands in the early 80s, and he would bring us to practices and stuff, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I decided early on that I wanted to do this; in my eyes, who wouldn’t want to do something like this?
Totally useless fact: Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.
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WHO STASHED THE CANDY?
flicks By daniel sutphin
Oz the Great and Powerful WHAT: Action, Adventure, Fantasy WHO: James Franco, Michelle
Williams, Rachel Weisz WHEN: March 8 Directed by Sam Raimi, Oz the Great and Powerful is based on L. Frank Baum’s 1900 novel The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, taking place as a prequel to the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz. Oz tells the story of a small-time magician with questionable ethics. Out to prove himself a “great” man, he embarks on a hot air balloon trip, only to be curtailed by a tornado. He wakes up in a magical land where his “skills” are put to the test as he must choose between becoming a good man or a great one.
e Scan th
e coed e the
to s trailer!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone WHAT: Comedy WHO: Steve Carell, Jim Carrey,
Olivia Wilde, Steve Buscemi
WHEN: March 15
Inspired as a child, Burt (Carell) and his friend and longtime stage partner, Anton (Buscemi), run a successful magic show in Las Vegas. The only problem: times are changing and their style of magic is fading from popularity. To keep up, the pair performs an elevated hotbox trick, that leaves Anton injured. Anton moves to the Far East leaving Burt to deal with a new popular street magician Steve Gray (Carrey). Burt decides he must convince Anton to return to the act to regain his standing by all means necessary. campus talk
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Jack the Giant Slayer WHAT: Adventure, Drama, Fantasy WHO: Nicholas Hoult, Stanley Tucci, Ewan McGregor WHEN: March 1 Based on the “Jack the Giant Killer” and “Jack and the Beanstalk” fairy tales, Jack the Giant Slayer follows Jack, a young farmhand, who accidentally opens a gateway to the world of Giants. An ancient war restarts as the giants, considered only a legend, try and reclaim the world they lost centuries ago. The conflict forces Jack to fight for himself, his kingdom and, of course, to save the princess.
21 and Over WHAT: Comedy WHO: Miles Teller, Justin Chon,
Jonathan Keltz WHEN: March 1 Straight-A student Jeff Chang (Chon) is faced with a dilemma when, the night before his big medical school exam, his two best friends show up to celebrate his turning 21. Despite his father’s strict orders, Chang joins his friends to partake in a quick beer, which leads to a night of over indulgence, humiliation and full-on depravity.
Stoker WHAT: Drama, Horror, Mystery WHO: Mia Wasikowska, Nicole
Kidman, Matthew Goode WHEN: March 1 Directed by Chan-Wook Park, this psychological thriller tells the story of an enigmatic uncle, Charlie, who moves in with India (Wasikowska) and her emotionally unstable mother after the death of India’s father. Despite her suspicious of the man’s motives, India becomes more and more infatuated with him.
Totally useless fact: The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
rent me!
Small
Lincoln WHAT: Biography, Drama, History WHO: Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally
Field, David Strathairn, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, James Spader, Hal Holbrook, Tommy Lee Jones WHEN: March 26 This Steven Spielberg-directed blockbuster documents President Lincoln’s efforts and hardships with the ongoing death on the battlefield as the Civil War continues to plague the country. While dealing with the rising carnage, the president must also do battle with his own cabinet on the issue of emancipating the slaves.
Screen
Lay the Favorite Les Misérables WHAT: Drama, Musical, Romance WHO: Hugh Jackman, Russell
Crowe and Anne Hathaway WHEN: March 19 A new adaptation of the musical based on Victor Hugo’s classic novel, Tom Hooper brings together an all-star cast in this gritty depiction. Prisoner 24601, known as Jean Valjean (Jackman), is releasead from prison and breaks parole to start a new life. He must evade the grip of Inspector Javert (Crowe) amid the tribulations of an early revolutionary France, culminating with his involvement in the June Rebellion.
WHAT: Crime WHO: Rebecca Hall, Bruce Willis,
Catherine Zeta-Jones, Joshua Jackson, Laura Prepon WHEN: March 5 After leaving behind her life as a stripper in Florida, Beth Raymer (Hall) heads to Vegas to realize her dream of being a cocktail waitress in a glitzy casino. She falls in love with Dink (Willis) after those careers goals begin to fail. Dink, an idiosyncratic sports gambler, admires Beth after she shows herself to be a bit of a gambling prodigy. Dink’s wife (Zeta-Jones) also shows interest in Beth, after Beth and Dink’s relationship appears to sway from professional to something more.
Totally useless fact: Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
This Is 40
Zero Dark Thirty
WHAT: Comedy WHO: Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann,
Action/Adventure, Suspense/Thriller WHO:Joel Edgerton, Jessica Chastain, Edgar Ramirez, Kyle Chandler, Mark Strong, Chris Pratt, James Gandolfini WHEN: March 19 A team of intelligence and military operatives have worked in secret for a decade with the goal of capturing and eliminating Osama bin Laden. Zero Dark Thirty follows the team as they track down one of the mostwanted men on the planet.
Megan Fox, Albert Brooks, Chris O’Dowd WHEN: March 19 As the sole male in a house of girls – his wife and two daughters – Pete is beginning to feel the pressures of middle age and family. While trying to keep his record label going, Pete and Debbie embark on a three-week course of sex and romance to learn to enjoy their lives and to try not to kill each other.
WHAT:
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hilarious!
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.” The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?” campus talk
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Totally useless fact: The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.
Totally useless fact: Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.
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I LOaTHE THE ‘80s! By Jessica DiGiacinto
Ages Of Embarrassment
Lame Things That
Rocked The ‘80 and ‘90 s
s
Certain things will always be cool… beer pong, 4-inch heels and Will Ferrell movies, to name a few. No matter how many years go by, we’ll never look back in embarrassment and wish we hadn’t watched Anchorman three times a day for five months in a row. There are some things, however, that most of us would like to pretend we had nothing to do with – things that were considered super awesome in the ‘80s and ‘90s but are so lame today, most of us should be pimp slapped for ever associating with them.
The Embarrassing
The NightmarE-ish
‘80
s
Florescent Clothing: Raise your hand if you, too, owned a shirt bright enough to burn out other people’s retinas. Big Hair: Aqua net? Why of course. The more helmet-like the tower of hair, the better! MC Hammer Pants: We were tricked into thinking these were sexy by someone who eventually fizzled out of the limelight and filed for bankruptcy. Go figure. Alf: We’re pretty sure Alf and Ted Dansen are the same person/ extraterrestrial. Baby Alive: Nothing says childhood like a doll requiring adult-like responsibilities, including changing dirty diapers. 90
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Skip-It: Yes… we should’ve. Rubik’s Cube: Lemme get this straight… it’s a toy that requires work. Ha! You almost got me! The Clapper: Not to be mistaken with that nasty rash your lover left you… Slip N’ Slide: How many of us still have scars from this watered-down death trap? Acid-Washed Jeans: To who ever created these fashion faux pas: at least we know where you got the name from… hippie! Slap Bracelets: Weapon or ugly jewelry? Or both?
‘90
s
Dial-Up Internet: Remember how badass you felt every time that thing scrreeeeached and beeeeeeeeped for five minutes before signing you onto AOL? Furbies: Gremlins meet Satan… with batteries. The Mullet/Rat Tail: Goes hand-in-hand with chewing tobacco, incest and NASCAR. Push-Up Pops: Hocked by the Flintstones, they tasted like they came from the Prehistoric Era. Vanilla Ice: The pinnacle of rap… until he melted into obscurity.
The Macarena: Ugh. More like the Make-it-stop-a! Skorts: Skirt in the front, shorts in the back, an all-around horrible choice. Oregon Trail Video Game: Who else could never win this game? I must have died from scurvy 100 times. Pee-Wee Herman: What better influence for kids than a guy who hung out with imaginary creatures and pleasured himself in public! Michael Jackson: There was a time when taking a trip to Neverland sounded so fun. Thank God we never did.
Totally useless fact: A cat’s jaw cannot move sideways.
LMAO!
ember Rem send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Q: Why don’t oysters give to charity? A: Because they’re shellfish. A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not a pervert… I’m just homesick.”
An old mafia don on his deathbed called his young grandson over to him. He told him to go to his dresser and take his small handgun as an heirloom. Disappointed, the kid said, “Papa, I don’t really like guns. How about giving me your Rolex?” The don sighed and said, “My boy, one day you’ll be older and running the family business. You’ll have lots of money, a big house, a beautiful wife… and one day you’ll come home and find that wife in bed with another man. What are you going to do then? Show them what time it is?!?!”
A man was in a bookstore when he came across a book called “Women Who Love Too Much.” Excited, he bought the book, took it home and read it. When he was done, he was extremely disappointed. His friend asked him why he was so down. “Because the book didn’t come with any phone numbers,” he said.
Totally useless fact: Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
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91
Life is a circle where you are slowly winding back to a drooling, immobile, unintelligible being
ircle of lif c e
stingy b*stard!
Tipping101 By Maria Luisa Baltodano
For when a mere slap on the back just ain’t enough.
So, you wanna be a good tipper, huh? Then spend a week in our shoes, as we illustrate tactful tipping protocol:
Let’s say you have a whole week jam-packed with appointments in different places. On Monday, you go to a hair cuttery, and Lorraine, with the funny hair license picture, gives you one hideous coiffure. You hate it, yet she did spend a whole hour on your head. Do you tip her? Heck yeah you do. You give her a nice 15 percent. Do you think she wanted to wash your crusty head before she Edward scissor-handed your hair? She probably couldn’t see how she was cutting your hair from all the dandruff. Pay up. Now, on Tuesday night, you decide to go to the early supper show at the nearest strip club. You’ve got your wallet with you, yet you’re unsure of how to tip. Look at it this way: If she bends over almost far enough for you to see what she ate for dinner, the tip goes higher like $5, but unless you’re at the Waldorf Astoria of strip clubs – aka Mons Venus, tipping more than 20 bucks is ridiculous. Come Wednesday, you realize you wanna look just like those booty-shakin’ strippers and want a bikini wax. If you’re a guy – you take your girl. Ladies, if you have a hairy Timbuktu (or are ahem – surfin’ the crimson tide), you may want to tip a little more than the standard 15–20 percent. After all, this waxer has her hands full, to say the least. As per the men, if you’re taking your girl and you get to watch, tipping should go way up. You can even tip your own girl an extra 10 percent for giving you a show and not to mention, for going through that pain. Finally, it’s Thursday, and it’s time to go out. Whether it be quarter bowling or ladie’s night at a club, there is sure to be a bartender around somewhere ready to leech out the cash off your back. For some odd reason, it seems that even making someone a Shirley Temple constitutes a $3–$5, tip because you need “like so much talent” to make one. Unless the bartender flashes you, leave at least 15–20 percent. After all, they do have to deal with your drunk-ass all night. As per Friday, do what we here at CT do best: party it up!
Cow Tipping Tips • Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip isn’t a bull. You might get a tip from the bull instead. • Do not make “moo” sounds. This only aggravates them. • Do not try to ride the cow like a horse.
4 more people you shouldn’t overlook
(if you like your meals and genitals bacteria free) Shot Girl These girls never have too much trouble scoring a big tip. I don’t think it’s because of how great the watered-down watermelon test-tube shots are, but it probably has something more to do with their own set of watermelons. Keep handing out those 20’s without asking for change, though. You may just get a late night, after-hours “tip” of your own. Wink wink. Striper Yes, we know we already covered this, but just a tip to the wise: An appointment at the student health care center might not be a bad idea if you’re planning on paying for more than a lap dance. Flight Attendant Don’t worry about tipping a flight attendant. The only tip this person needs is to watch out for protruding elbows as she pushes that drink cart down the aisle. Cab Driver If your cabby takes the quickest route, speeds and drives like he’s in a video game, all in an attempt to get your er tipsy (okay retardedly tipsy) “C an I off e d you a ri n?” roommate home, then you must w to d ow n show your thanks. Leave him an extra five in addition to the 10–15 percent you already tipped. That should cover the cost of an air freshener and disinfectant spray. One more tip – a few bucks for a cab may seem like a hassle, but a couple thousand bucks for a DUI is worse. By Joe Supervielle
Tipping Tips: • Do not make friends with the cow. Remember, you are there to TIP the cow. • Do not dress the cow up in a pink tutu. They like blue. • Do not eat a burger in front of the cow. They have feelings too!
“Com che e and cockck out m nice pit. It’s y up in and co ther z y e.”
In case you’re still not getting it! • Tattoo artist: 10–20% Less Common People to Tip, too: • Furniture or appliance • Porter or skycap: $2 per bag • Bellman at a hotel: $1–2 per bag • Hotel maid service: $1–5 per day
deliveryman: $5–10 • Flower deliveryman: $2–5 • Pizza (or other food) deliveryman: 15%, but no less than $2
Totally useless fact: The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,” uses every letter in the alphabet.
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Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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