Bouncer The Way of the
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The Night the Lights Went Out in Gainesville The Night the Lights Went may be be hard hard to to believe, believe, but but Gainesville’s Gainesville’s move move to to public public power power began began in in late late 1911 1911 over over aa $7.30 $7.30 bill bill dispute. dispute. At At the the ItIt may time, Gainesville Gainesville was was aa small small town town just just getting getting used used to to hosting hosting the the six-year-old six-year-old fledgling fledgling University University of of Florida, Florida, and and the the time, community’s electric electric needs needs were were served served by by the the privately privately owned owned Gainesville Gainesville Gas Gas and and Electric Electric Company, Company, known known as as community’s GG&E. GG&E.
Out in Gainesville
In response response to to residents’ residents’ frequent frequent complaints complaints that that the the downtown downtown streetlights streetlights were were either either off off or or poorly poorly maintained, maintained, the the In City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only aa $2.70 reduction. reduction. The The City City refused refused to to pay, pay, so so GG&E GG&E cut cut off off the the power power on on January January 26, 26, 1912. 1912. $2.70 It may be hard to believe, but Gainesville’s move to public power began in late 1911 over a $7.30 bill dispute. At the
“Gainesville streets streets are in inwasthe the dark and localused to hosting the six-year-old fledgling University of Florida, and the time, Gainesville a small townand just getting “Gainesville are dark local community’s electric needs were served the privately owned Gainesville Gas and Electric Company, known as residents are are wondering wondering what what to to expect expect by next,” residents next,” GG&E. read an an article article in in The The Gainesville Gainesville Sun Sun the the read In response to residents’ frequent complaints that the downtown streetlights were either off or poorly maintained, the next day. day. next City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only a $2.70 reduction. The City refused to pay, so GG&E cut off the power on January 26, 1912.
Citizens were were outraged outraged at at the the lack lack of of control control they they Citizens “Gainesville streets are in the dark and local had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots residents are wondering what to expect next,” campaign to demand the creation of a city-run electric campaign to demand the creation of a city-run electric read an article in The Gainesville Sun the utility. They got their wish. Construction of the downtown utility. They got their wish. Construction of the downtown next day. power plant, plant, now now the the John John R. R. Kelly Kelly Generating Generating Station, Station, power was started the next year and completed in 1914. So Citizens were outraged at the lack of control they was started the next year and completed in 1914. So had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots began Gainesville’s ownership of a public power utility, began Gainesville’s ownership ofthe a public utility, campaign to demand creation power of a city-run electric which became became Gainesville Gainesville Regional Utilities. which Regional utility. They got their wish. Utilities. Construction of the downtown power plant, now the John R. Kelly Generating Station, was started the nextelectricity year and completed Reliable and and safe, safe, not-for-profit from ain 1914. So Reliable not-for-profit began Gainesville’s electricity ownership of from a publica power utility, hometown company–that’s company–that’s the benefit benefit of public public power. hometown of power. which became the Gainesville Regional Utilities. Celebrate with with us. us. For For aa list list of of events events and and upcoming upcoming Celebrate Reliable and safe, not-for-profit electricity from a contest details details visit visit www.gru.com. contest www.gru.com. hometown company–that’s the benefit of public power. Celebrate with us. For a list of events and upcoming contest details visit www.gru.com.
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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN! P12
CONTENTS
GOOD READING
09 Signs You are in a College
Student’s Bathroom 10 Tips for Avoiding the Freshman 15 12 On the House: Your Field Guide to the Local Bar Scene 16 Surviving the Season: P81 Tips for Chicks Dealing with Fantasy Football 18 Group Play: The Pros and Cons of Extracurricular Activities 20 The Truth About Old Wives’ Tales
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P42
P16 22 Frank the Cab Driver 30 Chronicles of a
P09
P10
Nightclub Bouncer 32 How to Be a Man in College 34 Finding Balance on Broadway: An Interview with Bring It On: The Musical’s Star 48 What is Your Ideal Job? 52 A Brief History of Labor Day 58 The Rules of a Successful One-Night Stand 66 Movie Hopping 81 5 Common College Mistakes Every Freshman Makes 84 C T Interview with Michael Rosenbaum 93 How to Pick Up Guys
CLUB PICS
71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com
Totally useless fact: When a giraffe’s baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
breakinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; it down!
FOR YOUR
P84
ENTERTAINMENT 25 Games
54 Truth or Dare
38 Autocorrect Fails
60 Gadgets
41 Scheckism
64 Spot the Difference
42 Campus Talk Homemade:
69 Humorscopes
Kitchen Chemistry 101 44 Congratulations: Fake Eye-Glasses Wearer Award 46 Fall Into Your Most P66 Beautiful Self
P32
82 Must Try Recipes 86 Flicks
P48
92 Uninsperational
P20
P52
P30
P60
Totally useless fact: During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles.
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WHAT’S on!
Editors ‘
LETTER Everything Under the Sun! With the mad dash of moving trucks behind us and classes well underway, it’s time to buckle down and focus on the big picture. Although, the day to day can seem mundane at times, it’s important to use this state of monotony as a practice in finding balance. Fitting school, work and the ever-important social existence into each day may seem easy at first, but as the semester wears on, the balancing act can become quite overwhelming. No need to fret though, because as always, CT has got you covered. This month’s issue is stacked with a variety of tips on the college experience, interviews with burgeoning and
established celebrities, some advice for the girls in dealing with fantasy football season, a look at the club scene from the bouncer’s point of view, and, of course, our usual slew of gadgets, fashion and jokes.
If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!!
Despite what your parents might have told you, it’s equally important to have your head out of the books, as it is to have it in them. So set multiple alarms, because you’re going to need every ring, buzz and drum if you want to make that 8 a.m. class after being up all night partying!
You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.
Daniel Sutphin
Editor-IN-CHIEF
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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.
Totally useless fact: America’s first “Air Force” was equipped with five hot-air balloons and 50 servicemen.
don’t forget to flush!
Signs You Are in a By Chad Squitieri
College Student’s
Bathroom College students come in all different shapes and sizes, and their homes do too. The spectrum of where students lay their head to sleep at night is quite broad, which means from looks alone it can often be difficult to tell whether or not a particular apartment or house belongs to a college student, or instead just somebody who likes mass produced novelty posters and stocks their kitchen with an assortment of ramen. There is one room in a student’s place that is telling that a student does indeed live there however; that room is the bathroom. Here are 5 telltale signs that a bathroom in question belongs to a college student.
LAUNDRY DAY
Laundry seems to be one of the few house chores that tend to be left undone longer than others. This often results in a bathroom floor that slowly begins to turn into an impromptu laundry hamper. If you sometimes find it hard to open the bathroom door because there are too many clothes lying on the floor, you are probably in a college student’s bathroom.
STANDING ROOM ONLY
Most of the housing selection available on a college budget is not normally described as being overly spacious. In fewer words, most college pads are pretty small. The bathroom tends to be the room where the lack of space is typically most easily noticed. Specifically, the bathtub is way too small to actually be used to take a bath in. Instead of simply having one of those standup shower only stalls, most college bathrooms tend to be equipped with that shower/tub combo that is just big enough to do little more than take up floor space in an already cramped environment. If the bathtub seems to be a good foot and a half shorter than normal, you are probably in a college student’s bathroom.
WHERE IS IT
SMELL GOOD NINJA GRIP
The first clue is to look at the toothpaste tube. Chances are it is practically empty and the only way to get the remaining minty fresh paste out is to spend a good minute and a half finding different ways to squeeze the tube to get enough out. If the toothpaste tube is almost as flat as the bathroom counter it is laying on, you are probably in a college student’s bathroom.
Hopefully it is not in lieu of actually taking a shower, but college students tend to have a good selection of perfume and cologne. Despite the fact that the previously mentioned toothpaste running a few dollars tends to perpetually stay almost empty, you can count on finding at least one bottle of some decent cologne or perfume in the cabinets. If the bathroom has a better selection than the perfume section of a department store, you are probably in a college student’s bathroom.
Totally useless fact: The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.
This last sign that sets college bathrooms apart from others is not about what you will find, but rather what you won’t. Call it living the life of a minimalist, but you would be hard pressed to find a college student with the little touches of home that you can often find in other bathrooms. Things such as potpourri, whatever that is, and hand towels that you’re not supposed to use unless by use you mean look at, are two examples of what you are not going to typically find in a college bathroom. While we are on the subject though, for real what is the point of having towels that you’re not supposed to use as towels? I never understood that. Anyways, if you find yourself look at little more than just four bare walls, you are probably in a college student’s bathroom. campus talk
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9
FRESH MEAT! …AND SALAD?
Tips for Avoiding by Brian Hodges
the Freshman
Fifteen You’ve heard the stories. You’ve seen the reality. You don’t want it to happen to you. But you don’t need fad diets or insane workouts to keep those pounds off. Follow these tips and the “Freshman Fifteen” will simply be the ill-advised name you give your college band.
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF FRUIT
Hey I get it. The thought of eating a salad every day just doesn’t appeal to you. That’s fine. But don’t ignore that other member of the fruit and vegetable family: the fruit. Fact is you can eat about as much fruit as you want and never gain a pound. What’s more, all that fiber keeps your pooping hydraulics loose and flowing (yummy, no?), which allows you to process and get rid of more fat and calories as well. Try to make a habit of eating a piece of fruit before any meal. Not only will it give you a hearty boost of vitamins, but you’ll actually feel fuller faster and have less of a craving for that third slice of pizza.
SAVE ALCOHOL FOR GETTING DRUNK
I know this one sounds like a no-brainer, but there are plenty of people who drink simply to drink. Maybe they’re just hanging out or watching the game, but over the course of the evening they drink two or three beers without ever getting past a very gentle buzz. Do that several times a week and, just like soda, it adds up. Booze is about the emptiest calorie you can put into your body, so why not save it for what booze does best? That term “binge drinking” always sounds really bad, but only because of how many dumbasses binge to the point of alcohol poisoning. If you simply keep your binges within the bounds of what your body can actually handle, not only will you enjoy your buzz, but you’ll be saving calorie upon calorie every other night of the week.
MAKE SEX WORK FOR YOU WALK WALK WALK DRINK WATER ALL THE TIME
For perhaps the first time in your life you’re being given the choice of soda at every meal including breakfast. Don’t do it! The cumulative effect of opting for water is huge. Not only are you saving yourself from swallowing pounds and pounds of sugar, but the more water you have in your system, the more calories and fat you’re going to burn in general. And don’t think diet sodas are going to save you either. There is plenty of research demonstrating artificial sweeteners can actually make your body crave more sweets and calories. So make the water pledge now and it will not only save you fifteen pounds this year, but a bunch more over the course of your life. 10
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The extra ten minutes it takes you to walk across campus as opposed to driving is, again, cumulative, which is what you want when you’re trying to keep weight off. But while leisurely strolls are nice for first dates, it’s not really doing anything for your waistline. So put an extra kick in your step as you make your way across the quad. It will raise your heartbeat slightly, putting you into that all-important fat burn zone. While you’re at it, take the stairs anyplace where it isn’t ridiculous to do so. Walking the fifteen flights up to your room in a building where the stairwells are alarmed isn’t necessary. But bypassing the elevator on your way to the second floor Chem Lab every day is certainly within your capabilities and something your glutes will thank you for.
We all joke that sex is a great workout, but like anything else, it’s really not exercise if you’re just laying there. So do yourself (and your partner) a favor. Get on top and start targeting some zones. Ladies, you’ve got a built-in leg and ass machine up there. Make use of it. Guys, really tighten those abs as you tilt your pelvis. Not only will it help you hit that magical spot way in the back, but you’ll be doing a complete core circuit in the process. For extra fat burning, lift her up and hold her up in what will fast become a full-body cardiovascular workout. And women, haven’t you heard that clenching hard will help bring about that orgasm you so cravenly seek while simultaneously toning you up? So flex those abs, tighten that ass, and work up a sweat in there for crying out loud! Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianHodges
Totally useless fact: Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.
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No purchase necessary. To enter, you must be a Florida resident aged 18 years or older. Sweepstakes begins 9/1 and ends at 5pm (EST) on 10/31. Void where prohibited. Restrictions apply. The Sponsor: Campus Talk Magazine. The Walking Dead © 2012 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All rights reserved. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2012 Universal Studios. © 2012 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 253233/2012/TP
WE BE CLUBBIN’!
On The Your Field Guide To The Local Bar Scene
House By Brian Hodges
Clubbing and barhopping are activities teeming with possibility. Whether you’re in a darkened dive with sawdust on the floor or the loudest, trendiest discotheque in town, there’s always the potential for hooking up.
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5
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Totally useless fact: Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.
we be clubbin’!
3
4 1
2
On the other hand, though, there’s always the possibility of getting your ass kicked before the night is out. The key to achieving the former (and avoiding the latter) is in knowing the people you’ll encounter, how to engage them, how to get on their good sides, and, most of all, how not to piss them off. To help you along, refer to this breakdown, and plan your moves accordingly.
Totally useless fact: Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman.
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13
On The
WE BE CLUBBIN’!
Your Field Guide To The Local Bar Scene
d nderstan ee u r e h t r u To f el fr down, fe us k a e r b s i th vio o the pre em up to t r e f e r o t th still nd match pages, a tions here. If you rip the desc ng it, then be tti aren’t ge t your nearest isi sure to v e guide… and liv bar for a ll away from he ” stay the Bouncer y t u D ff any “O people…
Clubgoer #1 – The Regular
Clubgoer #2 – The Off-Duty Bouncer Who He Is: It’s his night off, but this guy is still in security mode. If he isn’t hanging out with the on-duty guys, he’ll usually station himself near a door or high-traffic area, giving hoodlums a dirty look as they pass by. What He’s Drinking: A Jack and Coke that looks tiny in his meaty hand, which will never be strong enough to dull his clobbering senses. How To Approach Him: Get a really loyal guy friend to manhandle you for the ultimate game of “Bad Cop/Steroid Cop.”
1
2
How To Piss Him Off: Wear a hat, or block a fire exit.
Who He Is: He never pays a cover and gets at least half of his drinks for free. He spends the bulk of his night chatting with the bouncers, bartenders and cocktail waitresses, which inevitably makes the people around him think that he must be somebody special to have such a rapport with the staff. What He’s Drinking: Some kind of mixed drink, which, thanks to his bartender buddy, will always be twice as strong as whatever you’re drinking. How To Approach HIM: Ask him for a light, then gush over the Zippo tricks he spends hours practicing.
3
How To Piss Him Off: Assume he’ll get the bartender to serve you free drinks.
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Totally useless fact: A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
House
we be clubbin’!
5
By Brian Hodges
Clubgoer#3 – The C’mere/Go Away Girl
Clubgoer #5 – The Rave Kid
Who She Is: Always in a group of at least three, she is sometimes hot but is usually much less attractive than she thinks she is. She spends the entire night dancing with her friends (often quite provocatively) and shooting “come hither” looks to any dude within eyeshot. When said dude sidles over to dance, she flips her hair and shimmies away laughing.
Who He Is: 1999 never ended for this guy and his posse of punks. Clustered in a group of two (or three) and high on X (or maybe just pretending to be), he came to the bar to dance and to trance. He’s the easiest person in the whole club to spot; just look for the glowsticks.
What She’s Drinking: Corona. Tonguing the lime inside the longneck is just another part of her catch-and-release game.
What He’s Drinking: Bottled water or the latest electrolyte-fueled drink.
How To Approach Her: Best to let the other dudes embarrass themselves. If you do decide to approach her, make sure you don’t confuse a C/GA Girl with an Apparently Single Girl (see below).
How To Approach Him: Break his trance with your more advanced glowsticking skills.
How To Piss Her Off: Not falling for her bait aggravates her far more than “accidentally” spilling a beer on her white shirt does.
How To Piss Him Off: Start a mosh pit.
Clubgoer #6 – The Trivia Guy Who He Is: With a little typepad (and an intense look of concentration), it may seem like he’s into the football game, but his eyes are actually focused on the text-filled screen to the far right. He sits there for hours, answering all of the multiple-choice questions about history, geography and pop-culture – all for the thrill of seeing his name on TV at the end of each round.
Clubgoer #4 – The Apparently Single Girl Who She Is: Unlike the C/GA girl, who dances in groups, this pretty, young thing appears to be all by her lonesome but look about 30 feet to her left. She’s here with that linebacker in the polo shirt. He’s under the influence of about 10 shots of whiskey, a gallon of testosterone and is looking for any excuse to pummel a scrawny punk like you. What She’s Drinking: Whatever it is, her better half is holding it. She needs her hands free do that over-the-head hula thing that reveals a belly button you can look at but never touch. How To Approach Her: DON’T! How To Piss Her Off: It’s not her that you need to worry about.
Totally useless fact: The only real people to be a Pez head are
4
What He’s Drinking: Red Bull and Vodka intensifies his concentration, while helping him stay relaxed and lucid. How To Approach Him: Improve his score by correcting a wrong answer before the timer runs out. How To Piss Him Off: Not waiting for the round of questions to end before asking him his astro sign.
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FANTASY COMES TRUE!
Whistle While He Works
Spree For All
By Chris Humpherys
Surviving The Season: Tips For Chicks Dealing With
Fantasy
Football
If your man zones out on Sundays after the games, take his credit card and run to the mall for your own fantasy shopping spree. If he’s in a league where he gets paid out for weekly success, tell him you were so confident in his ability to draft a winning team, you were just celebrating his impending victory by buying yourself something nice.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
The last thing your man wants to hear is who was on Oprah this week. Likewise, the last thing you want to hear is how many points Adrian Peterson earned him in week five. Make sure he understands there is a time and a place for such talk – when you’re already passed out in bed.
Since the dawn of about, oh, 20 years ago, men everywhere have joined forces once a year for a ritualistic meeting that results in plenty of beer, Party On, Wayne! wings and lame jokes. Better known as Fantasy On, Garth! Football Season, this union provides sports addicts Party When your man gathers with everywhere the opportunity to tap into their his friends to endlessly argue whether Peyton or Eli offers inner-GM by forming their very own roster of greater value, get your girls gridiron greats and pitting their collection against together for a lingerie party. Remind him that he’s not invited. their friends, co-workers and strangers, alike. It’ll distract him from his football Simultaneously, girlfriends of fantasy football geeks everywhere are forced to idly sit by for the better part of four months while their significant others willingly trade sex for stats. So, for those girlfriends out there who have had enough of their man’s childhood fixation, we’ve come up with some valuable advice to help you make it through the season without castrating your boy toy.
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by wondering what you and your 12 hottest friends could possibly be doing with lace, lotion and a handful of batteries. Now, tell me which fantasy he’d rather be involved in.
Careful with this technique, ladies, for it could send your man into a jealous frenzy. If he drafted Tom Brady or Reggie Bush, sit there with him as he’s checking their stats and tell him how cute the players look. Better yet, tell him that Brett Favre has that “George Clooney old-but-rugged sexiness” to him. That’ll boil his blood like the time you taped over his Super Bowl DVD with a Felicity marathon.
Walk Around Naked
If this tried and true technique doesn’t distract your man away from his fantasy team, then it’s time to find a new man… or time to send him to the nearest gay bar. Yes, ladies, football is important to us, but not nearly as important as booty. If skimpy lingerie isn’t more titillating than a 40-point fantasy week from your backup wide receiver, it might be time to check your man into fantasy football rehab.
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em
Plenty of women have now joined fantasy football leagues across the nation. However, if you’re not a football fan, grab some friends and create a fantasy league of your own. Base it on Dancing with the Stars, Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City reruns. Host a draft party and invite your friends over for wine and cheese. You can allot league points for how many times the housewives bag a lawn boy, neighbor or someone else’s husband. Or better yet, join his fantasy league and beat the tar out of him… then talk smack about his inferior sports knowledge in front of all his closest friends.
Totally useless fact: A whale’s penis is called a dork.
Get Out There!
The pros and cons of
extracurricular activities Plus: Meet cute girls in the knitting club Minus: Girls in the knitting club might
think you are a bit girly for wanting to knit
Group Play By Lisa Echtenkamp
College isn’t just about the booze and booty, you know. Other than that minor annoyance called CLASS and occasionally having to go, after college, you are actually expected to do some fairly scary things. Like, GET A JOB and not live in your parents’ basement until you’re 30 – which, by the way, is in NO WAY sexually appealing. Just so you know. And now, as if the pressure of bitter professors and vile TA’s wasn’t enough, potential employers are looking for well-rounded individuals who aren’t just 4.0’s in suits but for people with personality and interests that represent team player-itude. Translation? Extracurricular activities. Here’s a guide to some common types, the benefits and potential pitfalls hidden within each.
Social or Interestrelated clubs and organizations*
The good: Having a group of people with whom you share a common interest outside of your major to turn to has kept many frazzled college students afloat. It will show that you aren’t just a rat in the maze of class rankings and that you are committed to your own interests and passions.
The bad: People tend to want to re-invent themselves as something else when they get to college, leading them to get a little outré with their club choices. Some advice: If you know nothing about pillow fighting, don’t join the FPFA (Future Pillow-Fighters of America) 18
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Intramural sports
The good: These are a perfect opportunity for the casual to mildly-committed athlete to make friends and play a sport with others who enjoy the game, but who aren’t necessarily good enough to embarrass you. Also, it’s an excellent way to keep off the Freshman 15 – which is quite the misnomer, since it is in no way limited to freshman. The bad: Remember that uber-competitive asshat from high school gym class who flipped out on you when you whiffed on a 3-2 count in softball? Yeah, he found his way into your intramural. But if you all suck collectively, he will eventually quit in frustration and disgust.
Major-related and pre-professional organizations
The good: It is irritatingly true that it isn’t what you know, it’s who you know. These clubs and honor societies are great places for networking with successful professionals in your desired field who can open doors for you later. The bad: These clubs can be a breeding ground for those resume-packing type-A bastards. If you are yourself a resume-packing type-A bastard, then no worries.
* I have avoided mentioning fraternities and sororities here because it is more than just a club; it is an entire lifestyle choice and deserves its own dedicated column. Do yourself a favor, put down the Guitar Hero or the beer pong ball and go join a club. You’ll meet people other than your stinky roommate who used to watch porn until 3am. Bonus: you’ll have yet another excuse to procrastinate studying!
Totally useless fact: Lenny Kravitz’s mother played the part of “Helen” on “The Jeffersons.”
charted
TIME SPENT WHEN YOU CAN’T SLEEP
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAC AND PC
PRICE TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP
CALCULATING THE EXACT AMOUNT OF SLEEP YOU’LL GET IF YOU FALL RIGHT ASLEEP THIS SECOND
PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE PHOTOGRAPHERS
HARDWARE & SOFTWARE FEATURES
“I THINK WE’RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS?
ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHERS ACTUALLY STAY FRIENDS
TEENAGERS WITH NIKONS
Totally useless fact: The real name of the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady is Edith Fore.
NEVER SPEAK AGAIN
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Mom Knows Best
The Truth About Old Wives’ Tales By Chad Squitieri
Wives tales, if your childhood was like mine, then growing up you heard plenty of them. Whether it was your Mom calling after you as you walked out the door to put on a jacket before you dropped dead of pneumonia, or experiencing the moment of sheer panic when you swallowed a piece of gum and wondered how many years it was going to be hanging around in your stomach. Many wives tales are nothing more than superstition, but some turn out to be true indeed. So before you think about trying to sneeze with your eyes open, or swimming before waiting an hour after eating, you may want to check out which wives tales actually turn out to be true, and which you can forget about until it’s time to start worrying the next generation. WAIT BEFORE YOUR SWIM The more you think about this wives tale, the more it begins to literally make no sense. We have all heard at one time or another that you are supposed to wait 30 minutes, or even sometimes an hour after eating before going for a swim. Why someone at some time determined it was a good idea to come up with such a warning is beyond me, but this wives tale fails the Campus Talk validity test which is fairly hard to do. While eating while you swim brings to mind unflattering pictures of a crowded public pool and soggy food, you don’t have to worry about suddenly forgetting how to doggy paddle or having an entire body cramp because you deciding to show off your cannon ball skills too soon after eating. 20
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BUTTER ME UP For most college students, cooking is not one of our strong suits. In the event you wind up burning yourself in addition to whatever was supposed to be for dinner, one thing you should not do is follow the wives tale that suggests rubbing butter on the burn. While butter or other greasy foods may help temporarily take some of the pain away, it may end up making matters worse by encouraging infection and in some cases actually working to retain heat in the burned area of skin. It turns out butter is best left to being digested rather than being smeared all over your skin.
GOOD FOR THE SOUL When flu season comes around this year, you may want to take your mother’s advice when it comes to chicken noodle soup. While chicken noodle soup does not actually cure the common cold or influenza, research has shown that it can help alleviate some of the symptoms that accompany them. Scientists studying the potential benefits of eating chicken noodle soup have provided research indicating that the soup may help rid of upper respiratory cold symptoms. However, follow up research done by our personal team of scientists here at Campus Talk came to inconclusive evidence after studying the effects of alphabet chicken noodle soup and whether spelling different words in your soup such as “fix me” helped increase the effectiveness of fighting cold symptoms. We were surprised by the lack of results as well.
BLINDED BY THE LIGHT Whether it was out of fear that sitting to close to the television actually could cause blindness, or rather simply because sitting too close to the TV meant you were blocking the view, kids across America have long been warned about the potential dangers of sitting close to the T.V. The good news is that sitting close to the television will not cause you to go blind. The bad news is that sitting directly in front of the T.V. will still probably cause you to get yelled at by a roommate with a bad view. Some things are just not meant to be.
Totally useless fact: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
hahaha
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, “Can your dog perform other tricks?” “But of course,” the man answers, “he can even gratify a woman.” Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, “OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it’s done.”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The barmaid went to the bathroom to check on him. ‘’Sir, what are you yelling about? You’re scaring the customers.’’ ‘’Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!’’ ‘’Sir, please get off the mop bucket.’’
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”
“Certainly, sir. That’ll be one cent.” “ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied “Yes.” So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”
“How much money?” inquires the guy. “Four cents”, he replies.
The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”
“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?” The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.” The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us! “
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?” The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
Totally useless fact: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
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frank!
FRANK
cab driver
THE FRank’s stunt double
Hey Frank,
My mom is going through some sort of midlife crisis where she dresses in skimpy clothes designed for girls my age. Then she goes and hangs out at bars and stuff. It’s kind of creepy when I have friends over who see her parading around in short shorts and a halter top. What should I do? Claudette Do me a favor. Take a bunch of pictures of your mom and send them to me. I’ll do some careful consideration and decide whether or not her outfits are overtly creepy. If I deem the answer to be no, give me your mother’s number, and I’ll take her off your hands for a while. FRANK FACT: Frank once had sex with a girl and her mother in the same night. Unfortunately, it was his half cousin and her stepmom.
social commentator/advice columnist
Hey Frank,
.
My buddy swears that peanut butter and pickles makes for an awesome sandwich – eats them all the time, keeps trying to persuade me. As someone who’s probably eaten a fair share of strange stuff in his life, is this something I’ll like, despite all outward appearances? Michael Okay Mike, is this “buddy” a chick? And if so, are you sure she’s not knocked up? Because pickles definitely sound like a prego craving. Besides, everybody knows that the perfect “odd complement” to peanut butter is mayonnaise.
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Pay attention, meat eaters. For pure Porterhouse ecstasy, you need only two ingredients: bacon fat and butter. Mix it up then throw a glob on top the instant that steak comes off the grill. Smother it in and die happy.
FRANK FACT: We’re not sure if he’s kidding. We’re afraid to try.
Hi Frank,
Hey Frank,
FRANK FACT: Frank was on the fast track to Olympic figure skating gold until the day his dad told him he looked like a sissy.
campus talk
It’s barbecue season. Any great tips for grilling a perfect steak? Dean
FRANK FACT: Our interns have not been able to verify this claim either. (For exciting internship opportunities, please contact human resources. We are looking for eager journalism majors with “can-do” attitudes and heart-healthy medical histories. And boobs.)
Are you all geared up to watch the China Olympics at the end of the summer? Dan Oh, I’ll be watching. I’m actually kind of curious if any of the kids I sold into indentured servitude will be in the audience… or even on the field.
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Sup Frank,
Seriously, what is it about guys who get off on two girls making out? I don’t get turned on by two GUYS kissing! So why should two chicks going at it be such a sexy thing? Stephanie (sigh) Do we really have to explain this to you people again? What about this don’t you get? There are TWO CHICKS! And they’re KISSING! FRANK FACT: Frank was lucky enough to witness two chicks making out. Unfortunately, it was his half-cousin and his first cousin.
Frank,
I’m out of college, I have student loans out the butt, and I’m just barely making enough to pay my rent, let alone eat and have any semblance of a social life. What do I do? Jennifer There are the usuals: begging, pawning, pimping, whoring, dealing, stripping, mooching and, of course, hiring yourself out to clinical drug trials. When that fails, I usually just change my address and phone number and force the creditors to find me. Ha ha! How do you like me now, Stafford Loan suckass? FRANK FACT: Frank participated in a sleep-deprivation study because he’d heard they were giving free coke to their subjects. They weren’t.
Dear Frank,
How come you don’t have a MySpace or Facebook group yet? Isn’t that like the duty of every marginally successful public figure? Dominic There are already so many pictures circulating the internet of me in a bikini holding a beer and flipping off the camera. We don’t need another forum. FRANK FACT: Frank once misunderstood the phrase, “Find me on MySpace,” and got arrested for trespassing ten minutes later.
Totally useless fact: A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
frank! Frank,
Don’t you sometimes wonder if we’re all just wasting our time? We put so much effort into our work and careers just so we can keep chasing that elusive American dream that the capitalists keep holding out for us. Wouldn’t we all be happier if we just lived in the mountains somewhere? Robert Uh oh, sounds like another medical student who suddenly decided he wanted to be an herbalist. Either that or you’re a doctoral candidate whose thesis just got rejected by the review board. Regardless, do whatever makes you happy. See last answer when Citibank comes knocking. FRANK FACT: Frank spent three months on a commune to throw off the IRS. He left without warning after his “Ninetieth frickin’ day without a burger or beer.”
Dear Frank,
I got really drunk and lost my virginity to a guy at a frat party. I had always planned on waiting until I was with somebody I really loved, and now I feel like I’ve gypped myself out of something beautiful. I know you’re more of a promiscuity kind of guy, but is there any way I can salvage what I’ve lost? Pam Well, there are operations they can perform if you want to literally salvage what was lost. Or you can think of this situation as glass half-full. If you were drunk enough to have your first time at a frat party, you were probably drunk enough to not wince your way through the whole virginal ordeal. Now you’ll actually be able to enjoy that “something beautiful” when the love of your life comes a-humpin’. FRANK WISDOM: Losing virginity is one thing, but there is nothing more beautiful than your first time doing the wheelbarrow.
Hey Frank,
Maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to stop being so sarcastic. Elise Oh absolutely, I’ll run right out and get on that. Your opinion means a lot to me, Random-Girl-I’ve-Never-Met, it truly does. So, if there’s anything else you feel would improve my health, personality and general outlook on life, please feel free to direct all future suggestions to my big fat ass. FRANK FACT: Frank thinks sarcasm is a dying art form.
Helloo Farkn,
I can’t satop drunmk textingg. Hlep! Jnaenice Why would you satop when you provide the rest of us with so much free entertainment? The same goes for drunk tweeting, Facebooking and camera phoning. FRANK FACT: Frank thinks drunk texting is an underappreciated art form that may well replace modern sarcasm.
Howdy Frank,
Okay, so I’m thinking of getting breast implants because I seriously have nothing going on inside my bra. I’m a pretty petite girl and so I only think I need a B-cup, but I’ve heard people say that you should go at least one size bigger than you think. I don’t want to look like a stripper though. I just want to feel confident and actually have some cleavage. Thoughts? Kali Honey, tell me what’s easier: covering cleavage up or creating more cleavage where cleavage doesn’t exist? I think you know the answer. Go bigger now and your bikini and sundress can thank me later. You can always wear a bulky sweater on your non-stripper days. FRANK FACT: Frank wants to rally Hallmark into designating June 9th as “National Stripper Day.”
Yo Frank,
Why can’t a brotha smoke in public no more without getting annoyed looks from every chick who walks by? Phil Smoking is to this decade what lesbianism was to the ‘90s: something most every college chick finds unspeakably gross… unless she’s been drinking. Ironically, most of those nighttime lesbians were day smokers back then. If only today’s nighttime smokers were… well, you know. Pity really, the tides that turn. FRANK FACT: Frank only smokes Winstons. They taste like motor oil and leave a permanent gasoline-like residue on his tongue, but it means even the drunkest of moochers won’t dare to bum one.
Hey Frank,
What’s up with guys who just grind up on you on the dance floor? Do they even wait for some kind of visual cue before they walk over and start rubbing all over us? Emily You obviously don’t know how the male brain works when there’s even a false anticipation of sex. He probably DID wait for a signal. You must have glanced past him and waved to someone, or held his gaze for longer then three-tenths of a second, or bumped into him on your way to the dance floor. With such obvious flirting like that, did you expect him not to make a move? FRANK FACT: Frank’s signature move is to pretend he recognizes a total stranger and to strike up a conversation: “Hey, I saw your brother the other day. He told me you’ve been dancing at Café Risque.” It always breaks the ice.
Dear Frank,
My dad just set me up with an interview at his business. I could move up the ladder pretty quick and be making some decent cash in less than a year. Only thing is it has nothing to do with my major. I’ve got this degree and I feel like I should put it to use. What should I do? Carlos Let me tell about my friend Stevie. Stevie went to college for fifteen years. He majored and got degrees in business technology, musical theory, and sociobiology. He mastered in game theory and graphics design. Today he manages the night shift at Kentucky Fried Chicken just down the street from his in-laws. Now, you know Bill Gates? You know what he majored in? NOTHING! Nobody ever does what they went to school for. Go where the money is. FRANK FACT: Frank received an honorary degree in Transportation Management from Phoenix University.
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Totally useless fact: The allele for six fingers and toes is dominant in humans.
play with yourself
R E B M SEPTE GO FIGURE
CR O S SWORD
SN OW FL AK ES
C RYPTO QUIP{
SUDOKU
Totally useless fact: Duddley DoRight’s Horses name was “Horse.”
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play with yourself
UOTE TO Q
LETTER BOX
C RYP
Wishing well
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
TRY SQUARES 26
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Totally useless fact: The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
you sooooo cheated
R E B M E SEPT
WORD HUNT!
! t o n k fear
MEGA MAZE whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?
Totally useless fact: The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 Oz.
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tic tac toe!
Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!
Fall Events in Gainesville Sept. 7, 14, 21, 28: Free Friday Concert Series Sept. 21: United Downtown Sept. 21: Sister Hazel Sept. 28: Gainesville Artwalk Sept. 28: Gainesville Beer Run 5k Sept. 29: Rascal Flatts, Eli Young Band & Little Big Town Sept. 29-30: Thornebrook Art Festival Oct. 5 & 12: Free Friday Concert Series Oct. 5: Blue Trees on UF Campus Oct. 5: United Downtown 2FW %XWWHUÁ\ )HVW Oct. 13-14: Downtown Festival & Art Show Oct. 19: United Downtown Oct. 26-28: The Fest 11 Oct. 26: Gainesville Artwalk Oct. 27: 8th Annual Florida Bat Festival
Get Out And
About!
Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts, and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website. VisitGainesville.com 352.374.5260 28
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Totally useless fact: The second longest word in the English language is “antidisestablishmentarianism”.
Totally useless fact: Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
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LET ME SEE SOME I.D. by Kevin Kage
Chronicles of a Nightclub Bouncer Have you ever wondered what it’s like to work as a bouncer? The popular movie starring Patrick Swazye, Roadhouse, portrays nightlife security as a thrilling, testosterone-driven, adrenaline-rush type of job. The movie created a misconception that bouncers only exist to break up fights, and occasionally, to get laid inside the storage room of the bar. In reality, there are many nights without fights and some nights without confrontation at all. Most security guards are responsible for checking IDs and keeping underage drinking at a minimum. Some counties have ordinances that hold the bouncer responsible for letting an underage patron enter a bar. I personally have a friend that went to jail because he misread the birth date on an ID by a few days. I’m Kevin Kage from Gainesville, Florida. For a few years, I was training full time as a fighter. Like many of my teammates, I worked as a bouncer to pay the bills. It was an appropriate job for my particular skill set. In my five years of experience in the field, I’ve accumulated countless stories and conversation starters. Here are some: I can’t even count the number of times I’m standing at the front door of a bar with the owner and some kid walks up saying he is friends with the owner and that he said they can go in. It gets old when every other person in line walks up without money and says “If you just let one person in, just one person, then it won’t even make a difference bro.” Word of advice, if you are really desperate to get in free, then mark your hand with “X” marks and walk back up to the front pretending you already paid and are coming back in; it also works to skip the long drunken wait in line which is sometimes purposely slowed to create the illusion of a packed club. I was working at this “fratty” restaurant/bar. It was always packed with Greek life. So I walked up to this girl who is drinking and obviously underage. She looks young, doesn’t have a wristband and has large black X marks on both hands. So I walk up to her, for the sole purpose of advising her to go in the bathroom and slam the drink there. I ask her what she was drinking. Not realizing I am wearing a bright lettered shirt that say Security on it, she replies, “Vodka/ cranberry,” in a snobby, stereotypical sorority manner. She turns away assuming I was hitting on her and wanted to buy her a drink. I was really just going to tell you to hide it, but now I have to embarrass her in front of her ‘sorostitutes,’ so I took her drink and gave it to the guy before me who was hitting on her and she had turned down. What ever happened to kids trying NOT to get caught? I feel like when I was underage, I would have never been caught drinking out in the open or at least not right next to the bar security. Nowadays, these kids don’t even look around before they take a drink. It used to be that the bathroom was where you met your friend that you gave money to buy you a drink, and even then you would chug it so you wouldn’t get caught. Don’t bother arguing with the club, if you argue it will make a scene and they will want to prove themselves the alpha male. Since there is strength in numbers, the bouncers will win. Best advice is to speak very calmly, apologize for the ‘misunderstanding,’ and say you were just having a little too much fun. When working the door and checking IDs, at a place that is exclusively 21 and up, there WILL be that one girl who you know as a regular. She shows you her ID and goes straight to the bar for shots. She always has a lot of attention and always leaves intoxicated. You see her so much that you don’t even check her ID because you know her as a regular. After about a year, this same
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Totally useless fact: On the cartoon show ‘The Jetsons’, Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.
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girl shows up, but this time, it’s her birthday. She is wearing a bright, glittery, obnoxious sign around her body saying 21 things to do on your 21st. She basically is sh*tting on you and every bartender who had been serving her for the last year while she was underage. With this knowledge, she stills comes in, along with her birthday crew, without shame. At a small, but popular, night club that plays house music and shoots laser beams throughout the dance floor, work two veteran bouncers. Both bouncers work there every night the place is open and they both enjoy being there. These guys have this charisma that makes them unforgettable; so much so, that a point has been reached where they no longer wear their security t-shirt. In fact, they wear the similar hipster, neon-colored attire as the customers. One of these bouncers is also a professional fighter, but he doesn’t run around trying to Royce Gracie (famous jiu jitsu fighter) everyone in the club. So, a local store, Complete Nutrition, has been giving us free supplements to use while training. The problem emerged when this bouncer began using the supplement not just for the gym. He would take this super stimulant while on the job and share it with the other bouncers. The supplement is best described as a concentrated Redbull mixed with adrenaline and pure rage. The bouncers would mix the powder with straight vodka. There is a reason Four Loco and Sparks alcoholic energy drinks were banned from the market. These bouncers were running around with more energy than a nuclear powered rocket. The very
first night the pre-workout shots were consumed, there were multiple incidents involving people being tossed out by the bouncers. As my situational awareness increased, I started to realize what was happening. The bar patrons that were breaking the rules by drinking underage, throwing cups or ice, and causing problems, thought they were being approached by another random clubber as they were being asked to leave. In their eyes, they saw another person running around the club like they were on speed and trying to kick them out. It took until the end of the night when someone got the “300” Spartan kick out of the front door for the security to realize what was going on. Many bar managers and club owners attend the gym where I train. They typically prefer to hire mixed martial artists for security at their establishments. They recruit fighters because of the discipline, skill and ability to keep a cool head. There are four clubs in Gainesville with bouncers who have professional MMA records. Now most bouncers are hired because they are big and the intimidation factor inhibits any ruckus that may occur. Most of us fighters are not big. We tend to be the smaller-than-average bouncer, but we are still bigger than the average student. When you’re at a venue and there is that one security guard that doesn’t quite fit in with the size standards of most places, go ahead and check out his ears. If he has cauliflower ears (a condition from traumatic injury to the ear), then chances are that he is the toughest guy present because those ears come straight from years of fighting experience.
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Totally useless fact: In Mel Brooks’ ‘Silent Movie,’ mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.
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LESSON ONE: THE BACHELOR PAD By Mr. Man
defined as having two important qualities: taking care of his responsibilities and having respect for himself and others. Now these two characteristics cover a whole spectrum of things in a man’s life, one of which we will be covering today: the bachelor pad. Now men come in all types of different shapes and sizes, but there are a few key things that define a college man’s humble abode. The first key is cleanliness. Now college guys aren’t necessarily known for being the cleanest people on the planet, and a college man does not necessarily have to be a clean freak. You don’t have to walk into a sparkling and pristine apartment, but if you find yourself tripping over your underwear on the floor or constantly finding new strains of mold in your unwashed dishes scattered across your place like some sort of sick Easter egg hunt, then you could potentially benefit from a little spring cleaning. Not only do girls not like a dirty apartment, which for many is motivation enough, but a dirty place can be seen as a sign of being irresponsible. As we stated, college men are not irresponsible.
How to Be
a Man in College Mr. Man, who attended college in the state of Florida, was known for being a man among men in his college heyday. Currently, when not managing his several mutual funds on Wall Street, saving endangered species in the rainforest, or competing as an internationally ranked bare knuckle boxer, Mr. Man provides advice on how to be a Man in College.
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Most of the articles in Campus Talk are written with a purpose in mind of both genders; however this article is an exception. As you might have guessed by the title, this article is intended for guys. So ladies, read on if you wish, but guys, let us begin the first lesson into How to be a Man in College. Now first we must define the word “Man.” As far as we will be concerned a man is
After you have taken care of all the weird stains on the carpet and picked up a little, turn your attention to your walls. Are they covered with wrinkled posters portraying either the picture of John Belushi wearing the college sweater or something referencing beer pong? Not to say there is anything wrong with the movie Animal House, but that doesn’t have to necessarily be the description of your house. Plus come on, those posters are a little cliché don’t you think? Try replacing the posters with something framed that has some sort of theme. It doesn’t have to be something boring or look like a cheap hotel lobby, but you would be surprised at how much nicer your place can look by having a few framed pictures hung up with some sort of coherent theme. Lastly, a college man’s place has to have a place where you can get some work done. Depending on how big your place is, that may be the desk next to your dorm bed, an area somewhere in your room, or someplace separate in your house. Wherever it is, the key is to keep this place reserved for when you are actually doing something productive. Something productive as in homework or brainstorming, not drinking games. Having a separate place devoted to working can greatly increase your efficiency and help separate play from work. Not to say that you can’t have fun working, but sometimes a college man has just got to get down to business.
Totally useless fact: Cotton candy only costs about six cents per serving to make, including the cardboard cone.
IT’S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHTIN’
Finding Balance on Broadway: An Interview with
Bring It On: The Musical’s Star Interview By Lauren Douglass
Currently performing on Broadway with Bring It On: The Musical, Taylor Louderman sits down with CT to discuss the new musical, her life in college and finding balance on Broadway. 34
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What can you tell me about Bring It On: The Musical? It’s inspired by the movie but it’s not the same at all. We have a different plot line, different characters and different character names. We add music, singing and dancing to the mix of it all. It’s a very different feel than the movie. I think people come with the expectation that it will be similar, but I think we do a really good job at blowing that expectation out the water! Were you a cheerleader in school? No not at all. I played soccer and basketball. I was athletic so I think that helped me. Did you pick it up quickly? At first, when I was learning by myself, I was terrified. As soon as we got the other girls in the room, the legit cheerleaders who have been doing it their whole lives, seeing how confident they were and how much they trusted the guys, it made me feel like if they can do it, I can do it. Now, I do it everyday. So it’s just like any other dance move, you know, no big deal.
Tell me about your character, Campbell? What’s her story? Campbell starts out at Truman High School, and she gets elected as the captain of her cheerleading squad. I think she feels that in her whole life, cheerleading was the place that she could reach the highest point. When she gets redistricted to go to the inner city school, her life is turned upside down, because they don’t have a cheerleading squad, but she convinces them to make their own squad and compete at nationals against Truman. What are you looking forward to most about Broadway? I know it sounds cheesy, but to see the audience reaction, hearing how they like the show and how it affected them. We’re bringing a totally new show to Broadway.
Totally useless fact: Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order.
What is it like to be backstage before the show? It’s a lot of fun. We do a cheer call, everyday before the show, which is kind of like a stunt show. After that, we begin our prep for the show and get into our wigs and costumes. All of our dressing rooms are on the same set of stairs, so it is fun to hear all of the energy going up and down the stairs before the show. Everybody is excited. When they call places, we all have our routines. One of the boys comes over and kisses my forehead, every show, no matter what! Can you tell me a little about the casting process? I went to school my sophomore year, and I was kind of feeling left out. I hadn’t been cast in any of the university’s productions. So I started questioning myself, which I think everybody does. A casting director in New York who had gone to the University of Michigan comes and does workshops with the students. She had an intern working for her over the summer and asked them, “Who do you think would be right for the show?” She, in turn, threw my name out there. I flew to New York to begin auditioning for the show. Are you going to go back to college for your junior year? I’m not sure yet. It depends on what my career offers me next. I want to finish school and get my degree. It’s really important to me, but, at the same time, I need to ride the wave, so I don’t miss out on any opportunities. At some point, I hope to definitely go back. I haven’t decided yet if it will be at the University of Michigan or perhaps take some classes here in New York while I continue working.
If someone else were in your shoes, what would you advise them to do? I think to trust themselves. I think that was one of the hardest things I had to do. Being at school, you’re learning and so you are constantly depending on others to tell you what’s right or wrong. But there’s a point when you have to start trusting yourself, and your instincts; knowing that it’s all in you, you just have to find it. I think that’s what I wish somebody would have told me. How do you balance it all? Going to school, following your career? I wondered the same thing before I got to where I am now. I think it’s just something you just do. You rise to the occasion and figure it out as you go. It’s like any other thing, just like starting your freshman year of college. You have no idea what anything is going to be like. You just do it and go for it. What was one of the best things about college? For me it was the environment. Being in that world. It’s so different from anything else I had ever experienced. At Michigan, I remember going back and walking through the commons. There were people playing drums, giving out fliers, and I just felt awful because I wasn’t a part of it. I think that’s what I miss the most. For me there were only about 20 in my program, so it was like a family. We were all going through it together. I think that was really awesome. Being able to trust your teachers and the people around you and being in that learning environment. And, of course, the football games too! Now that you can cross Broadway off of your list, what are some of your other top goals? I always watch SNL. I think that my next goal, within the next 15 years, would be to host SNL. We’ll see if I can make that happen!
Totally useless fact: The first word spoken by an ape in the movie Planet of the Apes was “Smile”.
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Totally useless fact: A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
damnyouautocorrect.com
Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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CHARTED
LANGUAGES IN WHICH I AM FLUENT
WHAT MY RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON
SPANISH
MUTUAL RESPECT, TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING
ENGLISH
INSULT-BASED HUMOUR SARCASM
THE DATE I PUT ON MY ESSAYS
JAIL VERSUS SCHOOL FREE FOOD YOU LEARN NEW THINGS
THE ACTUAL DATE
YOU ARE THERE EVERY DAY DRUGS PEOPLE MAY HURT AND TEASE YOU
AN EARLIER DATE TO MAKE ME NOT LOOK LIKE A PROCRASTINATOR
JAIL
GANGS
YOU CAN SLEEP
OVERPRICED FROZEN JUNK THEY DARE CALL “FOOD”
SCHOOL
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Totally useless fact: A pig’s penis is shaped like a corkscrew.
one line wisdom!
Scheck-isms by john scheck
Keep your friends close but keep your enemies close to an open window on the 10th floor.
Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours
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DO IT YOURSELF!
Campus Talk By Naomi Piercey
Homemade Cozy up with our tried-and-true CT drink menu! Some you may recognize, some you may not… all the better to throw a little taste test party. We’ve got something for everyone, but you’ve got to be ready to try something new. Cheers!
*Non-
alcoholic! *FruitCake
2 oz. cherry mix 1/3 lemonade mix 1/3 Orange Juice 1/3 Sprite Add cherry mix to glass and fill with 1/3 of each of the remaining ingredients. Stir, sip and forgo the hangover… but not the bellyache.
*Not-So-Mean Tangerine
101
3 shots of Orange Juice 3 shots of Grapefruit Juice 2 dashes of Lemon Juice 1 large dash of Grenadine Orange slices Rimming sugar
Kitchen Chemistry
Who said lab hours can’t be productive? Skip chemistry lab and get busy with your own experiment that just happens to be delicious as well as alcoholic! Amaze your friends and yourself! Banana Gel-O Shot
(Jell-O is trademarked, plus there is no actual gelatin in this…)
Ingredients: An almost ripe banana Good quality Vodka 42
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1/4 to 1/2 cup sugar Plastic container Working refrigerator
september 2012
Our attempt to make it scientific:
Your banana needs to be “almost ripe” or else the Vodka has no way to sneak its way inside! The skin will be “semi-permeable,” which means the alcohol (ethanol) can pass through it due to osmotic pressure. And, because ethanol is a great solvent, the banana will begin to break down. The sugar, although quite scrumptious, isn’t here for taste – it’s actually what encourages the inside of the banana to congeal.
Directions:
Place the whole banana into a plastic bowl/container and fill the bowl with Vodka until the entire banana is covered. Add sugar to the bowl and mix until dissolved completely. Place bowl in refrigerator for 4–12 hours, depending on quality of Vodka, amount of sugar and temperature of refrigerator. Don’t leave it in too long or it will become a slimy mess! When you remove your banana, you should notice that it feels gelatinous inside. If not, you must have gotten too antsy and took it out early. Don’t be worried that it has ripened even more, that’s normal. Slit open your banana with a knife so as not to destroy your delicate creation. Pull back the skin to see your only chemistry project done right! Enjoy – just make sure not to peel and drive!
Wet the top of a tall glass and dip into a shallow plate of rimming sugar to coat. Then shake all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and strain into the glass. Fill with ice cubs and sliced oranges, and try to fight the sugar rush.
*Mint Lime Makeout
1/4 cup of mint leaves 2 ounces simple syrup 1 1/2 ounces lime juice Club soda Mash mint leaves and syrup for about eight seconds. Add ice and lime juice, then fill with club soda. Stir well and pour into short glass. Garnish with mint sprigs and then offer to be the DD.
Totally useless fact: Many sailors used to wear gold earrings so they could afford a proper burial when they died.
DO IT YOURSELF! Peanut Butter Jelly Time
2 oz. peanut rum liquor (try Castries) 1 oz. vodka 1 tbsp grape jelly Add all ingredients and ice in a cocktail shaker and shake your heart out. Pour into a martini glass, add some peanut butter cookies as a garnish and reminisce about your beloved 3rd-grade lunches.
Sparkling Sapphire
1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. Gold Strike cinnamon liquor 1/2 oz. Blue Curaçao (a liquor made from bitter oranges) Dash of champagne Slowly stir first three ingredients together and pour into a champagne glass. Top it off with the champagne and add an orange slice as a garnish. Then sip, enjoy and hope it doesn’t turn your mouth bright blue.
Peachy Keen
1 oz. peach vodka 1/2 oz. Cointreau (an orangeflavored liquor) 1 overflowing oz. Orange Juice Squirt of lemon juice Shake all ingredients with ice in a cocktail shaker and strain into a chilled glass. Float a round lemon slice as a garnish and get lost in your yellow heaven.
I Love America
1 part Grenadine 1 part Blue Curaçao 1 part light cream Layer the ingredients above (in that order) in a shot glass by carefully pouring the liquids over the back of a spoon. Garnish with something patriotic like a blueberry. America loves blueberries.
Super Sangria
Red wine White wine Your favorite fruits (apples, oranges, grapes) A mix of equal parts Sprite, cola and orange soda Stir together 1/3 of the red wine, 1/3 of the white wine and 1/3 of the mixed sodas. Add chopped fruit and ice and pour into the largest jug you can find. This super sangria goes super fast.
Fizzy Ginny
2 oz. Gin 1 overflowing oz. lemon juice 1 tbsp sugar (add more to taste) Splash of club soda Maraschino cherries Shake gin, lemon juice and sugar together in a cocktail shaker. Strain into a short glass and top off with the club soda to add the fizz. Pop in a few cherries and let those bubbles tickle your nose.
Irish Glory 1 part orangeflavored liquor 1 part mintflavored liquor 1 part Irish cream liquor
Layer three ingredients in a short glass in the above order, finishing with the Irish cream. Then slam down in the name of Irish pride.
Titanic Iceberg
1 oz. Gin 1/4 oz. Blue Curacao 1/4 oz. peach liquor Tonic Water Stir everything but tonic water in a tall thick glass with lots of ice. You can also layer ingredients by pouring them over the back of a spoon so it looks darker towards the bottom. Finish off with tonic water and try not to jump ship.
Summer time Girls
1/2 oz. cranberry vodka 1/2 oz. raspberry liquor 1/2 oz. lemon juice 1/2 oz. Roses Lime (a sweetened lime juice) Drizzle of grenadine Orange soda Shake everything but the soda in a cocktail shaker with lots of ice and strain into a tall glass with more ice. Top it off with the orange soda and garnish with orange slices or peels.
Swift Lemon 1 oz. White rum 1/2 oz. Limoncello (lemon-lime liquor) 1/2 peeled orange Grape Tonic
Cut up the orange and mash the pieces together with the rum. Pour the rest of the ingredients over the oranges/rum and top with the grape tonic. Garnish with an orange peel or slice.
Cranberry Promotion
1/2 oz. peach liquor 1/2 oz. dark rum 3 overflowing oz. cranberry juice 2 lime wedges Shake all the liquids in a cocktail shaker with ice and strain into a short glass with more ice. Drop in your juicy limes and enjoy your out-of-the-ordinary cranberry cocktail.
Fire Ant Party
1 oz. Gin 1/2 oz. Sweet Vermouth 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier Juice from one lemon wedge Shake everything with ice in a cocktail shaker. Strain into martini glass and garnish with a lemon. Then, savor your new twist on the martini as it burns down your throat.
Totally useless fact: John Quincy Adams, sixth president of the United States, loved to skinny dip in the Potomac River.
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CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:
Award 2012
Fake EyeGlasses Wearer
I
n recognition of your outstanding pursuit of originality and compassion. Not only have you charitably spent your easy-earned money on something as unnecessary as nonprescription eyeglasses, but you’ve also taken it upon yourself to help lift the leprous nerds from their social expulsion and give clemency to a culture that has long since been mocked and beaten by the various “in-crowds;” all of which are now sporting the same black, thick-rimmed glasses they spent time destroying for cheap laughter in previous school halls. You may look smarter, but the very fact that you wasted your money on such a ridiculous fad reveals the simple truth that you, simply (with emphasis on SIMPLE), are not. presented by signed date
Totally useless fact: Horses cannot vomit.
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back to school beauty
FALL INTO By Emily Alter
YOUR MOST
BEAUTIFUL SELF It’s that time of year: the beginning of school! The time of introducing first names, finding first classes and most importantly giving those first impressions. Show off your true self with your most beautiful self with the help of these products this fall! Kiss My Face Olive Oil Bar Soaps in Pure Olive Oil Does the heat have your face feeling sticky? Wash away the day with the nourishment and moisturizing benefits of olive oil. This fragrant free soup will have you loving your face again! $2.49 kissmyface.com and Whole Foods Perfect Fit Delicious Organic Brown Rice Protein Did you know that 10–15% of your diet should consist of protein? With Perfect Fit’s Rice Protein, you can consume 15g of protein in a simple powder! Just mix the delicious vanilla flavored pack into your favorite drink or baking dish and you have organic, gluten free, soy and wheat free protein! $25 for 20 packs perfectfit protein.com
Kiss My Face Foaming Soap Enjoy clean hands that are softer and smoother using Kiss My Face Foaming Soap. Organic botanicals thoroughly clean, and leave your hands smelling a fresh lavender and chamomile. $7.95 kissmyface.com and Whole Foods Kiss My Face Hold Up Styling Mousse Add volume and bounce to your hair the natural way! Kiss My Face Styling Mousse uses natural botanicals and rice protein to control those strayed locks and give you ultimate control. $8.95 kissmyface.com and Whole Foods Perfect Fit Delicious Organic Brown Rice Protein Did you know that 10–15% of your diet should consist of protein? With Perfect Fit’s Rice Protein, you can consume 15g of protein in a simple powder! Just mix the delicious vanilla flavored pack into your favorite drink or baking dish and you have organic, gluten free, soy and wheat free protein! $25 for 20 packs perfectfitprotein.com Beach Babe Toning Workouts Summer may be over but that’s no excuse to not have that toned beach body! With Beach Babe workout DVDs, you can train “at the beach” with the 7 motivating workouts such as “Bikini Booty” or “Summer Arms.” Professional trainers Karena and Katrina of Tone it Up will lead you to have your best bod yet! $29 beachbabedvd.com
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PURIFY & CLARIFY
Daily Cleanser & Detox Mask –We all fear the days when we will look old and our faces will not radiate youthfulness. Never worry again with this anti-aging exfoliating facial cleanser. For an extra deep clean,you can use it as a mask, too leaving behind beautiful skin! $65 www.theliftlab.com
Totally useless fact: Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
back to school beauty
China Glaze Magnetix II
Gold Fusion Magnetize every oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s eyes to your nails with this rich gold color.
Positively In Love This magenta will have people falling in love with your nails!
Sparks Will Fly Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be blue in this nailcolor! A chic cobalt blue that shimmers in the sun.
Get Charged Matches with everything yet stands out in a shimmering lavender-gray.
Con-Fused? Make your nails pop with this lively, stylish green.
Bond-Tastic This soft rust is a must! This magnetic shade will be head-turning.
$7 chinaglaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide
Totally useless fact: Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
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Career Quiz By Chad Squitieri
What is Your
Ideal Job? A lot of kids make their way through college with really no idea as to what they want to do with their life after graduation. I have heard the tale a thousand times. You start out pre-med, then learn that the periodic table is not something that you sit down at for lunch at given intervals of time, so then you find yourself in a type of major-less limbo. No need to fear however, because we have put together a team of top-notch researchers to create this state of the art questionnaire that can pinpoint exactly what type of job you would be best at. Answer the questions below to find out your ideal job. You tend to spend your summer days doing what? A) Sleeping poolside to make up for lost sleep being up all night. Fast food is: A) First date material. B) A 21st-century wonder owing credit to economies of scale. C) Something I eat when I am studying astrophysics. Class starts in 1 hour and you forgot you have a paper due. What do you do? A) Go to the doctor’s office to get people to sneeze on you so you can get a deadline extension because you are sick. B) Consider the opportunity cost of cramming the paper now and make a rationale decision. C) Build a rocket
B) Researching penny stocks. C) Pretending you are riding in a rocket. Photosynthesis deals with: A) Organizing your Facebook photos. B) That thing T-Pain uses to make his voice sound different and make money. C) I don’t know, but it does not deal with rockets. Your favorite color is: A) Black, because it is the color of the back of your eyelids. B) Green, the color of money. C) Brown, the color of rocket fuel.
For each A you answered, give yourself 1 point. Give yourself 2 points for each B, and 3 points of each C. If you wind up with a total of 0–4 points, you actually have a score that is mathematically impossible which means you probably added wrong and should stay away from math oriented fields of work. A score of 5–6 means you’re a person of leisure; consider a job as a professional sofa cushion tester. A score of 7–10 mean you have money on your mind and picked these answers because you figured the results would tell you that you chose a well paying career; congratulations, consider a job as an investment banker. A score of 11–15 means you tended to respond to the questions by referring to rockets, even when it didn’t make sense. Unfortunately, the unattainable score of 16 was needed to work for NASA; consider a career as a summer space camp counselor. 48
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Totally useless fact: It takes 17 “hits” to sink an opponent’s entire fleet in a game of Battleship.
RIDDLE ME THIS!
MIND
#1
Though not a pla nt, it has leaves. Though not a be ast, it has spine. Though many wo thing, it’s more uldn’t need this valuable than w ine. What is it?
GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…
1) A book 2) Isabell, 3) Water, Fire, Earth, and Wind, 4) Firefly/lightning bug, 5) Because if it was twelve inches it would be a foot.
#5
t Why is the longes ord human nose on rec long? only eleven inches
#2
#3
tree. re is a e h world t r e . There are four brothers in this corn l o e o h h t c d s Aroun re is a together: ree the t that were all born e h t esk. d a Under is wearies, l there he runs and never t o rs . o fi l e h l Th c e s b In the ere is a d is never full, desk th e h t The second eats an er. d h c a e and t Behin a and is ever thirsty, ks desk is in dr e he d h ir t th e d Th Behin good. name? song that is never r e h is The fourth sings a What Who are they? 50
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#4
Hibernating when it is cold, but when it is wa rm I become bold ; I light up the nigh t, for every child’s delight. Some people I m ight annoy, but to others I bring joy. What am I?
Totally useless fact: Uma Thurman’s father was the first American to be ordained a Tibetan Buddhist monk.
hahaha
Remembtoer
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?” The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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MISTER PRESIDENT, TAKE PITY ON THE WORKINGMAN! By Brian Hodges
A Brief History of
Labor Day
T
he life of a workingman is never easy. I mean, you’ve got to show up at Best Buy at ten o’clock in the morning after staying up all night drinking and playing video games. Then you have to put up with a hard-nosed boss who gives you grief over that lame attempt at a goatee and makes you restock shelves when all you really want to do is text your girlfriend about what a prick he is. And to top it all off, you have to (gasp) deal with customers for six straight hours with only two cigarette breaks in between! Oh, the humanity.
If only you had a day of rest from the grind and tyranny of gainful employment. Well guess what, Mr. Workaholic, Labor Day is here! Your prayers have been answered, and you’ve been rewarded with a work-free Monday away from your overbearing boss and annoying coworkers. 52
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Labor Day observances began in the 1800s as a series of parades and pro-union demonstrations. The first official holiday was organized by the Central Labor Union of New York City out of a desire to create a day off for the workingman. And believe me, when a bunch of New York teamsters tell you they’re demanding a day off, the prudent thing to do (for anyone who values their kneecaps) is say “yes.” Thanks to them, the first Monday in September has provided generations of American workers with an oh-so-important three-day weekend. Pretty much every industrialized nation has since adopted its own version of Labor Day, though the September observance is a uniquely American trait (and Canadian too… those U.S. wannabes). Most everywhere else in the world, Labor Day is celebrated on May 1st to commemorate the anniversary of the eight-hour work shift. Prior to 1886, it wasn’t uncommon for a laborer to grunt and sweat for 16 hours a day, six days a week. Then on May 1st of that year, strikebreakers shot a bunch of Chicago-area plant workers who retaliated by killing police officers and 94 years later, Dolly Parton got a number one hit with her single “9 To 5”… though the events weren’t necessarily related… at all. And you thought your double at the Olive Garden was bad!
The United States wasn’t quite as keen as other countries to celebrate what many viewed as a highly-socialist event on our own soil. Fortunately for the fat-cat capitalist in all of us, those New York goombas had been observing their “first Monday in September” celebration for several years. As a result, the less bourgeois September date for the holiday became the norm. Throughout Europe, the May 1st Labor Day (sorry, Labour Day… freakin’ fancy pants) is still a very pro-union celebration with all sorts of marches, speeches and demonstrations against “the man.” Here in the good ole U.S.A., it’s a bit of a different story. Sometime around World War I, it seems people started realizing: “You know, I could go to the rally and fight for higher wages… or I could take my boat out and get drunk with my buddies like it’s New Year’s Eve.” These days, Labor Day is little more than the traditional end of summer, giving us one last chance to party, wear white and act like work is secondary to everything else. So this Labor Day, as you’re lounging in your beach chair with a Mai Tai in hand, keep in mind the struggles our ancestors endured to bring us this glorious day of freedom. Then promptly wash away those thoughts with another round from the tiki bar by the shore. After all, that’s what Labor Day’s all about… not any of that lame historical crap you just spent the last 10 minutes reading about. Long live the American Dream!
Totally useless fact: Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present-day items.
Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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truth or dare
Truth or Dare If you could be a person that you know (of the opposite sex) for one day, who would you be and what would you do as them?
There was a giant explosion. You and two other people of the opposite sex survived. Who would you want them to be and why?
Have your ever gone 24 hours totally naked? Why and what did you do all day?
What is the stupidest th ing you’ve done because som eone dared you to ?
Have you ever stuffed your bra?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how good looking would you rate yourself?
How many people have you slept with and who was your favorite and why?
What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever used?
er Have you ev d n a ed shoplift ? it s a w t a h w
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What is the most embarrassing nickname that anyone has ever called you?
ke If you had to ma ne eo m so out with in of the same sex ho w , om this ro would it be?
Have you ever stuffed your pants?
campus talk
What is the meanest er rumor you have ev e? If on me so t ou ab ad spre a ad re sp r ve you have ne e th s wa at wh r, mo ru meanest rumor ever spread about you?
Have you ever embarrassed t of yourself in fron e er w u yo ne eo m so d interested in an ? ed en pp ha t ha w
Tell us, which part of the body do you like the most from each player of the opposite sex in this game.
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What is the stupidest thing you’ve done of your own free will?
What is the most embarrassing thing your parents have seen you do?
What is your favorite thing to lick?
What is your most embarrassing vomit story?
e When was th ed pe u yo e last tim not s, nt pa ur yo er? from laught
Put a pair of underw ear head and casually wa on your lk ar outside for two minu ound tes. If people say anything about the undergarment, act like you don’t know what they’re talking about.
Give yourself an atomic wedgie, and without undoing it, give someone else an atomic wedgie, and both people must keep it for five minutes.
Act as a dog for the next 10 minutes; you have to do what other people say.
Go next door and say you are out of toilet paper. Ask them for a roll of toilet paper.
Walk around the house for 10 Minutes continually putting ice down your pants.
Walk out of the bathroom naked, without a towel, when you’re done taking a shower at any of your friends’ houses.
Get the person of the opposite sex to the left of you to sit on your face :o)
Walk up to a random person whose not playing and ask them if they’ll do your makeup. Keep asking different people until one says yes. When they say yes, let them.
Use toothpaste as make up on your face.
Choose a random person and blow on their belly to make a loud farting noise.
Give everybody, ex ce randomly selected pt a player, a “high-five.”
Show everyone in the room how good you are at break dancing.
Drop an egg down the front of your underwear and survive for 12 hours, no cleaning or touching the egg in that time.
Sing an original improvised opera for one minute.
You have 30 seconds to make the person to your left laugh anyway you can.
Draw a stupid face on a paper bag and wear it on your head for the next four turns.
Eat Cheerios from between another player’s toes.
Crawl around on the ground and pretend that you’re a cat. Meow when people walk by; rub up against their legs, etc.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run aro und saying, I’m Batman. Com e, Robin, to the Bat cave! Chew on tissue paper and then spit it out.
Totally useless fact: Spot, Data’s cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats.
oooh, nasty!
irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur
Check eoto send us picturees toof yo
Feel fre ment or roommat ’d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th
Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.
Totally useless fact: “Evian” spelled backwards is naive.
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ABSOLUTE DEMOCRAT
ABSOLUTE REPUBLICAN
RULES TO LIVE (AND SCREW) BY! By Ami Gavarian
The Rules of a
Successful One-Night Stand Hooking up regularly with someone is simple. Dating is even easier. There’s a growing level of comfort and compatibility that goes hand-inhand with an ongoing relationship, be it in the bedroom or anywhere else. One-night stands, however, are an entirely different story. Your first impression is also your lasting one, so you constantly have to be on your toes, making sure every move you make is right and every maneuver you make ends in sweet moans of ecstasy. Follow this guide and you’ll be back in the shack gettin’ your shag on in no time.
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1) Like a lion hunting in the jungle, stalk your prey subtly to let them know you’ve found them and you like what you see. Refrain from mauling and eating them… at least for now.
2
1 2) Approach the target with caution, not acting too cool or too timid. A peace offering of Cosmopolitans will open the door for further investigation. A $2 beer will quickly end your pursuit for the evening.
Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
RULES TO LIVE (AND SCREW) BY! 3) Make like Paula Abdul and needlessly comment about how perfect the target is… even if none of it’s true and you’re just so desperate for action, you’ll take anything you can get. Literally anything…
3
4) More alcoholic peace offerings, thank you very much.
Leave. Even if it’s your place… leave.
6
5
4
10
6) Remember, “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” which means move on if suggestion is declined with menacing growl or straightup slap to the face.
5) Suggest you two go to a slightly more exclusive club… located on a queen-size mattress in your bedroom.
7
7) Once back at “exclusive club,” make one final peace offering to remove all nervousness from both parties. 8) Use every move in the book. And by “book” we mean “porno videos you’ve watched every single day since you were 12.”
9 9) Awkwardly share compliments with each other about how good it was or how much you both enjoyed your evening together.
8
Voted Best Sweet Tea in the County! Come See What’s New at Sonic!
2162 NW 39th Avenue
Text Sonic6234 to 876642 for Amazing texting offers Totally useless fact: Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.
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Get these in your life By Daniel Sutphin
Scosche: bassDOCK
This adjustable speaker dock moves horizontal and vertical for the perfect viewing angle. The 2.1 sound system features dual stereo speakers that deliver smooth mids and clear highs, as well as a 3-inch subwoofer for that extra kick of bass. The dock provides a full entertainment system without the bulk. You can even charge your device while watching your favorite videos. www.scosche.com $149.99
Braven 600 Wireless Bluetooth Speaker/PowerBank Similar to the 625, the Braven 600 is made from aircraft-grade aluminum and provides a rich, clear sound. The ChargeExtreme Powerbank allows you to play wirelessly and recharge external devices for up to 12 hours. The noise-canceling speakerphone also allows you freedom to talk hands free or in a group www.braven.com $149.99
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ego: Hybrid Series USB Case Combining a sturdy iPhone Case with a multi-gig USB drive, ego’s new Hybrid Series USB Case is ideal for any college student. It’s always good to have a back up of your files, the difference is now you don’t have to worry about losing that USB key as it attaches directly to you phone case. egoncompany.com $34.95 (4GB), $39.95 (8GB) and $49.95 (16GB)
Totally useless fact: Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Get these in your life I-MEGO: THRONE Gold Headphones With a real-leather headband and I-Mego stitching, the new Throne headphones look and feel just as great as they sound. The in-line microphone and adaptor cables are compatible with most smart phones and with a one-button music control, you can control the tunes directly from your headphones. www.i-mego.com $139.99
Click and Grow Plants can be hard to maintain amid a busy schedule. With Click and Grow, a ‘green thumb’ is no longer necessary. It grows your plants without watering and fertilizing. The Click & Grow is an automated planter pot system that uses aeroponics, which grows the plants in an air or mist environment. The pot features sensors that monitor the various factors influencing the plant’s growth. All you have to do is add the batteries, fill the water tank and everything else is taken care of by its smart technology. www.clickandgrow.com $59.99
Satechi Swift BT Speaker
This wireless, compact speaker is easily portable and ready to go, with a lithium ion battery for up to four hours of talk time or three hours of playback. The Swift BT Speaker is Bluetooth-enabled and streams high-quality audio from any paired device. It also has an integrated multi-function button that can activate voice dialing or Siri on iPhone 4S for hands-free calling. www.Satechi.net $29.99
I.R.I.S: IRIScan Book 2 The capability of scanning books makes the new IriScan book perfect for any college student. Just roll the scanner across the page and the scanner will save the image on the included MicroSD card for sharing at your convenience. www.irislink.com $99 (original) $129 (Executive)
Bracketron: Stone Battery Emergency Charger
Despite so many capabilities available on smart phones, a long lasting battery has yet to be one of them. Bracketron’s Stone Battery Emergency Charger is a portable charging solution to get your phone back to its top performance. Modern and compact, the charger fits easily in your bag or pocket. Just plug in the device and press the button to initiate the charge. www.bracketron.com $39.95 Totally useless fact: In 1969, the last Corvair was painted gold.
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charted
REASONS PEOPLE WANT A MAC
FEWER CRASHES & VIRUSES NEW INTEL PROCESSORS
UNIX FOUNDATION OMG, SHINY!
USES FOR BUBBLE WRAP
STRESS RELIEF
PROTECTING FRAGILE ITEMS
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Totally useless fact: A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.
charted
MEANING OF A POEM
WHAT THE AUTHOR ACTUALLY INTENDED
HOW YOUR PROFESSOR ANALYZES IT
CONTENTS OF MY 25-PAGE PAPER MATERIAL FROM OUTDATED BOOKS RESEARCH OF ANY REAL VALUE
CREATIVE MARGINS TO SQUEEZE OUT AN EXTRA PAGE
ABSTRACT, UNSOURCED ARGUMENTS TO TAKE UP THE LAST 5 PAGES
INFORMATION FROM QUESTIONABLE WEBSITES
Totally useless fact: It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
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spotted!
the cold light of day
Spot The Differences
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enry Cavill, Veronica Echegui, H Bruce Willis, Sigourney Weaver
Totally useless fact: The number of the trash compactor in Star Wars (20th Century Fox, 1977) is 3263827.
Totally useless fact: The largest city in the United States with a one syllable name is Flint, Michigan.
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1) Left speaker (back left) is missing, 2) drawer in chest (left) is missing, 3) tea cup missing, 4) door handle on unit (right-rear) is missing, 5) sleeve covering right arm, 6) gun missing, 7) seam on trouser leg missing, 8) nike logo on shoe missing, 9) yellow paper under leg is missing, 10) can on chest (rear-left) is green
LIST
CHECK
spotted!
HOPPING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU
College is about the only time in your life when having no money isn’t all that much of a hindrance. After blowing your hundreddollar minimum wage salary on Lady Gaga tickets, you can simply steal food from the cafeteria, download illegal music, and (if you’re an R.A.) raid the dorm’s cache of confiscated alcohol. But Fall is here and that crappy job at The Gap barely covers the rent on your tiny apartment, much less money for booze and entertainment. In times like these, a starving college student has to be more creative in his/her five-finger economics. That’s why, for me, movie hopping has become the ultimate money saver. Executed properly, this little technique has saved me several hundred dollars over the course of a summer. A penny pincher’s dream, movie hopping has but one downside: it’s illegal as hell. So I’m not actually encouraging you to do this. Lord knows, the editors of Campus Talk would never openly condone such illegal activities. This is merely one man’s story of the fight against oppression, tyranny and ridiculously high ticket prices. Which means if you get your dumb@$$ self arrested, don’t even think about blaming us. The basic idea behind movie hopping is to get to the multiplex early in the day, buy one ticket, then stay and watch as many movies as humanly possible – a process that sounds easier than it actually is. It has never been a mission that I entered into lightly.
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Totally useless fact: Conception occurs most in the month of December.
HOPPING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU
e i v o M g n i p op
H
STAGE FOUR GIVING “THE MAN” HIS PORTION:
STAGE TWO THE INSIDER: STAGE ONE RECONNAISANCE: I always know my targets intimately: from the overall layout of the Cineplex, to the number of screens contained within, to the location of every ticket-taker, concession stand and manager’s office. The various movies I desire are often playing on opposite ends of a multi-winged complex, so I only patronize those establishments with ticket-takers stationed at the main entrance (as opposed to the entrance of each wing), allowing me to move about freely once inside.
By Brian Hodges
Many a novice movie hopper has shown up at the theater and tried to improvise on site. Big mistake. I always use an inside man to help me formulate a very strategic plan of attack. His name: Mr. Moviefone. With a voice sounding like a broken wind-up toy, he provides me with show times, running times and theater numbers for every movie I will be hopping. In possession of that information, I can time my hops down to the minute, moving briskly and confidently from theater to theater, so that I never miss an opening sequence or risk being apprehended while waiting for the next show to start.
STAGE THREE PROVISIONS: Make no mistake, a full day of movie hopping is long and draining – especially on your butt cheeks. I make sure to fill my pack with chips, cookies and pre-assembled sandwiches to sustain me throughout the day. A comfy pillow is also a worthy bring-along.
While movie hopping is hardly an ethical practice, I always take comfort in the ironic but well-documented fact that movie theaters make no money on ticket sales whatsoever. So as a voluntary and unspoken act of pizzo gratis, I make certain to by a huge-ass soda from the theater’s concession stand. Sure the prices are ridiculous, but when you consider the fact that I just watched four twelve-dollar movies for the bargain price of a matinee ticket, it hardly seems an exorbitant expense. Plus now I can take comfort in the knowledge that the only people I have screwed over in this whole process are big fat Hollywood moguls who would only have used my money to buy another snort of cocaine.
As it stands now, eater I’m happy, the th ve ha I d is happy an ftover le ey on m gh enou en m Ra d for beer an was ich wh s… le nood this of t in po the whole . th wi n gi to be
Totally useless fact: On average, Americans’ favorite smell is banana.
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Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Miss It! Join us Saturday, September 29, 2012!
The Sebastian Ferrero Foundationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s annual fundraising event Noche de Gala has become a standalone event, unsurpassed in our region. Following last yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sold out event, this yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Noche de Gala promises to be packed with electrifying entertainment by Team iLuminate, made famous by Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Got Talent, performances from Las Vegas illusionist Simon Winthrop, a silent auction featuring unique and extraordinary items, a Champion Paso Fino horse show, a live band, exquisite dining and much more! Noche de Gala will be hosted at the spectacular 643-acre Besilu Collection in Micanopy, Florida. 3URFHHGV EHQH´W WKH 6KDQGV +RVSLWDO IRU Children at the University of Florida
SPONSORSHIPS NOW AVAILABLE | Visit www.NochedeGala.org
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Humor
IN THE STARS!
Bella Fountain
scopes The stars want to let you know that September is a month for laughter, sunshine and debt-ensuing gambling binges that leave you and all your loved ones penniless and on the streets. Before you get all pissy and whiny, the stars also would like to remind you that you got several awesome meals comped at the all-youcan-eat buffet. Free food always supercedes bankruptcy.
ARIES
(21 Mar–20 Apr)
Your little daily rituals are what keep you ticking. You’re afraid of change and fear being less perfect tomorrow than you are today. Small steps… try wearing clean socks first. You are to be praised for your adventurous spirit. Rejoice!
TAURUS
(21 Apr–21 May)
Bouncing up and down is fun, and encouraging people to do the same is the perfect way to make friends and see breasts wobble. This will not impress your partner. Telling your partner how much better you are at sex was also stupid.
SEPTEMBER
2012
LEO
SAGITTARIUS
You are due for a comeback. During the ’90s you were often the loser that everyone else blamed for their misfortunes. You will encounter a revival this month by break dancing in front of an entire cafeteria full of your peers.
Most astrologers agree that Sagittari are born with a strange duality. The medical community has been known to mistake this for schizophrenia, often leading to hilarious consequences. Tell your other self to take your meds.
(24 Jul–23 Aug)
(23 Nov–22 Dec)
VIRGO
CAPRICORN
This is very confusing. The majority of those born under your sign are neurotic cat walkers. You, however, are much more complex. The stars indicate you get off on taking long baths in tubs filled with peanut oil.
You are often hurt by your desire to take risks and your competitive streak. When challenged by a known black belt to a martial arts competition, it is ordinarily wise to politely decline and run… fast.
(24 Aug–23 Sep)
(23 Dec–19 Jan)
GEMINI
LIBRA
AQUARIUS
The position of the stars (combined with your ability to drink yourself into stupors) conjures some less-than-satisfying sexual escapades. Your legend precedes you. Drink three beers and find the nearest couch to nap on.
Love is such a complex thing… especially when you’re involved. So how about taking a break from getting involved and trying a hands-off experience for a while. The burn around your privates will thank you.
Celebratory dates are important to you, and it is rare that you ever forget a joyous occasion or holiday. Regardless, you intentionally don’t send cards and gifts just to spite the person. Classy.
(22 May–22 Jun)
(24 Sep–23 Oct)
(20 Jan–19 Feb)
CANCER
SCORPIO
PISCES
Only love can destroy your heart. That said, trans fat will give it a damn good try. Try not to sob off your recent heartbreak at McGreasy’s. No one likes a sad, fat person. Cry into your bongo drums while eating sushi.
Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a cupboard with a close friend who likes spicy bean burritos. Sadly, this will be the closest you get to a hot, sweaty person letting it all go this month.
Attraction to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including (but not limited to) your friend’s parents, dwarves and carnival clowns. It is a marked improvement from previous lovers.
(23 Jun–23 Jul)
(24 Oct–22 Nov)
Totally useless fact: Barbie’s full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
(20 Feb–20 Mar)
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Totally useless fact: Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.
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Totally useless fact: There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.
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74
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Totally useless fact: Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.
Totally useless fact: Charles de Gaulle’s final words were, “It hurts.”
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apply today
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Totally useless fact: The only real people to be heads on a PEZ dispenser are Betsy Ross, Daniel Boone and Paul Revere.
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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.
STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78
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Totally useless fact: Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch’.
you sooooo cheated
S R E W ANS
CR OS SWORD
WORD HUNT!
R E B M E T P E S
SUDOKU QUOTE
fear knot!
QUIP{
GO FIGURE
Totally useless fact: “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
TRY SQUARES
C RYPTO
where’s frank?
LETTER BOX
MEGA MAZE
SNOWFL AKES
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hahaha
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
80
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A neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. “What’s wrong Marge?” she asked. Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.” Surprised, the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!” “I’m not,” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”
A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, preacher... I sure am.” The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asks.
“No, I didn’t!” says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “No, I did not, reverend.” The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus yet?” The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Totally useless fact: The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
5 By Ian Thomas
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED… JUST DROP OUT!
Common College
Mistakes Every Freshman Makes
Coming to college can be an overwhelming experience. You’re out on your own, taking serious courses that deal with serious topics and partying about 80% of the day while sleeping the other 20%. There’s no magical guidebook to help navigate you through the peaks and valleys of college life, but here are five commonly made mistakes that you should try to avoid at all costs. Welcome to the party, rookie!
Studying too much
Signing up for early classes
Let’s face it, no one has liked waking up before 11 since Christmas in elementary school, so why fight it? Don’t sign up for Baby Bio at 8 a.m. because there are always drink specials the night before and you (rightly so) plan on taking advantage; otherwise, don’t count on remembering any of that scientific jargon. Take my word for it… you’ll be much better off taking that class at noon. And far less cranky.
Going out to eat
Look, I love scoring some late-night Taco Hell as much as the next guy, but it adds up… and not just in regards to money. If you like being able to see your feet (or other important anatomical parts you might use in college), trust me and stick to the meal plan. Some of the school food is actually healthier than you’d think. Your digestive system will be grateful, too.
Calling your parents daily
Boo hoo, you big baby. Suck it up and stop crying to mommy about the “C“ you got on a quiz. While you’re at it, stop harassing daddy every day for a lil’ extra donation to your nightly drinking fund. It’s time to become a real college coed… find ways to drink for free, then study hungover about five minutes before your quiz starts.
Totally useless fact: The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
College is all about limiting and controlling stressful situations. I’ve found that nervously going into an exam, one might forget some of the material in all of their worry, and that only adds to the stress of college. So take a study break, crack open a Natty Light and watch that episode of 24 that you only missed because you already broke this rule. Worst case scenario, you’ll fail and just add more time to your fun-lovin’ college experience.
Walking home from a bar
This can go either one of two ways. Scenario #1: You’re walking home alone. That’s lame for several obvious reasons, most notably the lack of a hookup partner and the propensity to get completely lost in your drunken state. Scenario #2: You’re walking home with someone… most likely a butterface, chunky monkey or Screech’s fraternal twin. Friends don’t let friends walk home from bars. Take a cab… call Frank.
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yum!
MUST TRY by Daniel Sutphin
Recipes Ham And Cheese Baked Potatoes to serve 4 You Will Need: • 4 large white potatoes • 2 tbsp (30ml) olive oil, scant • 1/2 cup (100g) butter • 7oz (200g) ham, chopped • 9oz (250g) cheddar cheese, grated, plus extra to top I love this and I find it such a great way of using up leftover ham and cheese. You create a really delicious filling by spooning out the insides, mixing it with all sorts of ingredients then spooning it all back in. When your work is getting you down, make yourself a baked potato and I am sure all will seem much better.
It isn’t a surprise that many students come to college with little or no knowledge of how to cook. And despite the freedom of being able to eat pizza every night, you will quickly learn that even pizza, albeit, delicious, can get very old. For when that dark day arrives, CT has decided to assist you in your search for culinary alternatives. The Ultimate Student Cookbook features 100 easy recipes for delicious food on a student budget. With thorough text and hundreds of photographs, Tiffany Goodall’s college cookbook serves as a quintessential assistant for your burgeoning cooking experience. All the recipes: • Require only 20 essential pieces of kitchen equipment • Use fewer than 20 staples from the cupboard • Use inexpensive ingredients available at any grocery store • Use up leftovers • Include variations campus talk
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Use some foil to ho ld the wraps together
Chicken And Tomato Salsa Wrap
In Newcastle, UK, there is a great deli, “Dene’s Deli,” where a lot of the students go if they cannot be bothered to make lunch, and I have had the same wrap ever since I have been there. It’s a whopper wrap with chicken, bacon, avocado, mozzarella, lettuce, mayonnaise and pesto. This wrap recipe, however, is a little simpler and inspired by a true student classic – the fajita! for 2 wraps You Will Need: • 1 tsp (5ml) vegetable oil • 1 chicken breast, sliced • 1 garlic clove, peeled and chopped finely • 1/2 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped • 1 medium tomato, chopped • 1/2 tsp (2 ml) olive oil • pinch of sugar • 2 plain tortilla wraps • handful of shredded lettuce • handful of grated cheddar cheese • Heat the oil in a skillet, then add the chicken and garlic and lower the heat to medium.
•P reheat the oven to 400F (200C). Bake the potatoes. Set aside for 5 minutes to cool.
• Fry the chicken for 2 minutes, then add the bell peppers.
•C ut the potatoes in half and gently scoop out the hot potato inside, leaving the skins intact. Put the insides in a large mixing bowl.
• Cook for another 3 minutes and check that your chicken is cooked by cutting it open with a knife to make sure there are no traces of pink flesh.
•M ix the butter, ham and cheese with the potato, and season with salt and pepper. It should be quite creamy and very delicious.
• Mix the chopped tomato, olive oil and sugar together in a bowl.
• S poon the filling back into the potato skins and top with more cheese.
• Take a wrap and spoon the tomato salsa down the center. Repeat with the other wrap.
•P lace under hot broiler for 3 to 4 minutes until the cheese is golden.
• Then add the chicken and red pepper mix.
If you don’t have a broiler, preheat the oven to 300°F (150°C) and brown the tops. Optional Extra: A couple of crushed garlic cloves would be delicious added to the ham and cheese, as would some chopped herbs. I would suggest: 2 tbsp (30ml) of chopped rosemary. Serving Suggestions: Eat with a crisp green salad on the side. Leftovers: Any leftovers will keep in the refrigerator for 3 days. To reheat, place in the oven at 300°F (150°C) for 15 minutes, until hot.
• Add the lettuce and grated cheddar cheese. • Roll each wrap tightly around the filling. Optional Extras: Grated cheese, lettuce, sour cream, chilies. Serving Suggestions: Wrap this in foil and take it to university for lunch. Perfect. Leftovers: Keep the cooked chicken mix covered in the refrigerator for up to 2 days. To reheat, place it in the oven set to 225°F (110°C) for 15 minutes. The tomato salsa will keep in an airtight container in the refrigerator for 2 days.
Totally useless fact: Only 1/3 of the people that can twitch their ears can twitch only one at a time.
Save on advance ticket purchase with the promo code from specially-marked cans of Coca-Cola®, Coca-Cola Zero™ or Sprite® or cups from participating Burger King restaurants.
*Tickets are $88.99 plus tax per person on day of event. To receive full discount, tickets must be purchased at least 24 hours in advance with presentation of valid Florida photo ID and promo code. Not valid with any other specials, promotions, or discounts. Limit 4 tickets per purchase. Sales tax, convenience charge, and parking fee not included. General Single-Day admission tickets, Multi-Day tickets, Annual Passes, Orlando FlexTickets, and Complimentary Passes are not valid for Halloween Horror Nights admission. Event occurs rain or shine. No rain checks, returns or refunds. Prices, dates, times, attractions and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. Other restrictions may apply. © 2012 The Coca-Cola Company. All rights reserved. TM & © 2012 Burger King Corporation. All rights reserved. The Walking Dead © 2012 AMC Film Holdings, LLC. All rights reserved. © 2012 Konami Digital Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. © 2012 Nightmare, Inc. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2012 Universal Studios. © 2012 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 253285/2012/TP
A MAN OF MANY HATS
Going Back to Move Forward: A Conversation with Michael Rosenbaum
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Totally useless fact: Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
A MAN OF MANY HATS
What can you tell me about Old Days? Well, I am a college kid in a 40-year-old body. Usually when I write, I try to think about things that anybody can laugh at and enjoy. This is a coming of age story where this guy goes to his hometown for his high-school reunion and falls in love with this town that he ran away from so many years ago. In an attempt to relive his glory days, he gets all of his old friends, who are now married, in trouble. He messes with his old high-school principle, and all hell breaks loose in this little town. I think you can expect a lot of laughs. So you wrote, directed and starred in this, did you like one aspect over the other? My buddy Dax (Shepard), who directed Hit and Run, that came out in August, he said, “What are you doing man? You don’t want to do that. I don’t think I’ll ever be the lead in a movie I direct again.” I go, “Really?” But I couldn’t think of anyone else to play the role, so I was like, I have to do this. The directing was enough, and then being in every scene, well, it was a lot, but I’m glad I did it. It was the most adversity I’d ever faced. I don’t regret it at all. It was a lot of fun. But, I prefer directing. I loved watching the performances, finding new things, adding to the comedy and letting people improvise. When you are acting in the scene, it’s not as easy to do those things. When you’re only a director, you have all eyes on the actors, the scene and the moment. You can think a lot more outside the box. I definitely think that I want to direct more, but in the next one, I’ll probably do a smaller role. What inspired you to write this? This is the first script I wrote. I started writing it eight years ago, and it was loosely based on stuff that happened to me as a kid. What inspired me was just reliving the glory days. I think everyone can relate to that. We all miss going back. And I think that’s what happens with this guy. He’s having a little mid-life crisis. He’s stressed out. He’s not really doing what he wanted to do, and he’s like, “Maybe I should have never left. Maybe I should have stayed back.”
So he goes back and finds that all his friends are having a pretty good time with their lives and are happy. He’s trying to figure out why he’s not. I think that we all have that feeling where we want to go back and visit. But when we get there, the feeling changes. It’s like, “Okay, I’m not supposed to be here; I’m actually out.” It’s pretty brave to put so much of yourself into a project. Are you nervous about how it’s going to be received? Not at all. Somebody once told me that Adam Sandler came up to him and said, “The critics hate my movie, which means it’s going to make millions!” When I wrote this movie, I never thought critics would ever love my movie. This is a movie for middle America. This is a movie for everybody out there who has a sense of humor and wants to revisit the glory days. So tell me about Hit and Run. That’s more of a comedy too right, an action comedy? Yeah. We did this movie that Dax (Shepard) had written that was kind of a mockumentary, called Brothers Justice. It was pretty much the same cast as Hit & Run. It was Bradley Cooper, Dax, Tom Arnold and me. So before we made this, Dax said, “I’m going to direct this feature; this sort of low-budget movie.” Next thing you know we were shooting. I could see how much work it was for Dax. But you know, to be around all those great actors, like Kristen Bell and Bradley Cooper, was like college. It was like a bunch of buddies hanging out and making a movie. What about the stunts? What’s crazy about this, and I want everybody to know this, Dax, let us all do our own stunts. When you see me in the car doing 180s at 45 mph and cutting the wheel, that’s me. He’s letting me do that. I worked with a stunt driver for like 10 minutes, and then I went and did the stunts. I think that’s what Dax wanted. He said “I wanted you to drive the car. I wanted you to make that turn. Can you do this?” I was like, “Yeah,” sh*tting my pants, but, “Yeah!”
Did you really only get 10 minutes training and he just threw you out there? Pretty much. It wasn’t long. It was like, “Uh, here’s what you’re doing man. You’re going 40 mph – you don’t want to go faster than that in your Solstice. M y character drives a Solstice. You wanna cut the wheel at 45 and just hold it. Then you just grab the emergency break and jerk it up.” I’m like, “Okay, let’s go try it.” So Hit & Run is in theaters now. Where are you with Old Days? We wrapped in 2011 and I’m editing now. There’s still so much work to be done. When you’re an actor, you do a movie and you’re done. When you direct a movie, you know there is going to be another six months of post-production, sound, composing, color timing – all these things – distribution and trying to get the movie sold. We just had a little screening for it, as a rough cut test screening, which puts you in a very vulnerable position, because the movie is not color-timed or sounddesigned. It’s not near ready to show an audience, but you need notes from real people, so you show a random audience. We did really well. Now we go to the next process where we incorporate some of the notes that we think are important into our next cut. Then we screen it again, and it goes into the post-production. Then it goes to the sound-designer, and then to the color-timist, who makes the movie look more like a real movie. Finally, it goes to your composer, who starts composing songs and tries to get the rights for other songs for the movie. Then to get it sold, once we’re done with all the post and the movies a lock, you put a trailer together and you show it to studios to get distribution screenings. If that doesn’t work you go to festivals. There are a lot of different ways to do it. I’m really proud of it. It’s a process, but it’s one that’s worth going through. Do you think you would do this process again – write, direct and lead in a film? Yeah, without a doubt.
Be sure to check out Michael Rosenbaum in Hit & Run in theaters now, and watch for Old Days coming soon!
Totally useless fact: Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.
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september 2012
GET THE POPCORN!
flicks By daniel sutphin
Looper WHAT: Action, Sci-Fi WHO: Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
Bruce Willis and Emily Blunt WHEN: September 28 Time travel exists in the future, however it is illegal and only available on the black market. When the mob wants someone gone, they send them blindfolded, 30 years into the past. There a hired gun, such as Joe (Gordon-Levitt) is waiting to take them out. Everything is going well until the mob decides to send Joe’s future self (Willis) back in time to be assassinated.
Scan the
code the
to see trailer!
Dredd 3D WHAT: Action | Sci-Fi, Thriller WHO: Karl Urban, Olivia Thirlby
and Lena Headey WHEN: September 21 In a future America, running from Boston to Washington D.C. stretches Mega City One. A city of ruin, criminals control the streets of the violent metropolis. A dangerous drug, “Slo-Mo”, which allows users to experience reality at a fraction of its normal speed, fills the city. The only solution to ridding the streets of this epidemic is a group of urban cops called “Judges” who possess the combined powers of judge, jury and executioner. While training a rookie, Cassandra Anerson, a heinous crime calls them to a neighborhood that most judges dare to enter – a 200 story vertical slum controlled by prostitute turned drug lord Ma-Ma and her ruthless clan. campus talk
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The Master The Words WHAT: Drama Romance WHO: Bradley Cooper, Dennis
Quaid, Olivia Wilde, Zoe Saldana, Jeremy Irons WHEN: September 7 Broke and desperate, wannabe writer Rory Jansen decides to publish an old manuscript he found in a bag as his own work. The book brings him literary success as the next great American novel. HIs progress is threatened when the story’s real author (Irons) appears and confronts Jansen.
WHAT: Drama WHO: Philip Seymour Hoffman,
Joaquin Phoenix and Amy Adams WHEN: September 21 Set in the 1950s, the Master follows a young drifter fresh from the war, as he attempts to acclimate himself back into society. Drunk and irrational he wanders onto a ship and meets a charismatic intellectual whose faith-based organization is catching on in America. The drifter becomes his right-hand man, but threatens the organization’s progress with his behavior.
End of Watch WHAT: Crime, Drama, Mystery WHO: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael
Peña and Anna Kendrick WHEN: September 21 Two young Los Angeles police officers Taylor and Zavala watch the city’s meanest streets of south central. Amid a routine traffic stop, they confiscate a small batch of money and firearms. As they investigate further, they make a startling discovery that leaves the two marked for death by a notorious cartel.
Totally useless fact: Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor’s salaries.
rent me! Marvel’s The Avengers WHAT: Action/Adventure WHO: Robert Downey, Jr.,
Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson,Jeremy Renner, Samuel L. Jackson WHEN: September 25 An unexpected enemy is emerging and posing an insurmountable threat against the world’s safety and security. To save the world from the clutches of evil, S.H.I.E.L.D Director, Nick Fury (Jackson) must unite a team of heroes. And while the team of heroes – Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Hawkeye and Black Widow – may have the strength to defeat the villain, they must also find the strength to work together.
Small
Screen
Safe WHAT: Action/Adventure, WHO: Jason Statham,
Catherine Chan WHEN: September 4 Former MMA fighter, Luke Wright, blows a rigged fight, causing the Russian Mafia to murder his family and banish him from his life. Wandering the New York streets and haunted by guilt, he finds a 12-year-old Chinese girl who is being hunted by the same mobsters who killed his family. Luke joins the girl and lands himself in the middle of a deadly high-stakes war between the Russian mob, the Triads, and corrupt NYPD cops.
Snow White and the Huntsman WHAT: Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi/Fantasy WHO: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron WHEN: September 11 With a twist to the age-old fairy tale, the evil queen orders the Huntsman to kill Snow White because she is the only person fairer in the land than she. The Huntsman discovers he is unable to murder the innocent young woman. He turns into her protector and mentor; training her as a warrior so she may threaten the evil queen’s reign.
Totally useless fact: Only humans and horses have hymens.
The Cabin in the Woods WHAT: Horror, Suspense/Thriller WHO: Kristen Connolly, Chris
Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison WHEN: September 18 A group of teenagers escape to a secluded cabin in the woods. Without any means of communication, their weekend getaway turns ugly when they investigate a cellar door flinging itself open. Upon the search, they discover a variety of old relics. One of the women reads from an old book, causing a family of deadly zombies to awaken. There’s more occuring than they realize, as they are being watched with cameras.
The Samaritan WHAT: Suspense/Thriller WHO: Samuel L. Jackson,
Luke Kirby, Ruth Negga WHEN:September 25 Fresh out of prison, former grifter, Foley (Jackson), is trying to go straight. He meets a girl while enjoying his new freedom. The son (Kirby) of his former partner comes to Foley to try to learn the game. Foley gets pulled into a deadly game of twists and turns, as his former partner’s son attempts to steal $8 million from a feared gangster. campus talk
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september 2012
holy crap
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. “You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. “You still have 15 more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head.”
campus talk
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september 2012
Totally useless fact: Milton Bradley introduced the memory game Simon at Studio 54 in 1978.
Every Day is Gameday
In Gainesville every day is Gameday , only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.
352.374.5260
VisitGainesville.com
Totally useless fact: The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
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one liners!
p u k c Pi s e n i L
inters a p 0 0 You know you’re in 0 , 1 If a 0 0 0 , 1 ra love when you can’t worked fo t o n ld u ey co fall asleep because years, th t r a f ork o create a w s you. reality is finally ul a better than your as beautif
dreams.
Smoking is ei n g hazardous Da m n, i f b to your i me, h r c a s a w ealth... an sex y d baby, y you lt i u g e b d ’ ’ re killing you me! d! as charge
Most people li k watch the Oly e to m because they o pics happen once e nly years, but I’d ravery four to you cause th ther talk of meeting som e chance special only ha eone so once in a lifeti ppens me.
a t ’ n s i e r e Th he t n i d r o w for y r a n o i t c di k. o o l u o y how good 90
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Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
hahaha
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building – by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: “What are you, a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.” 1st Man: “No, it’s true. Let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: “You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke.” 1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again,” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: “Well what the heck, it works. I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a “splat.” Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
Remember to
send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”
Totally useless fact: Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.
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ONE M Y
itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
get your coat!
How to pick up
guys What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?! a can i get you ? k drin look pretty hot!
Ladies, listen up… I have had enough of the dating scene in this town! We spend hours (and hours) trying on different outfits, blow-drying our hair and putting on make-up to go out for a night on the town all in hopes of finding a guy. It’s distressing. It’s annoying as hell. We spend all this time getting ready, then we don’t find a guy worth hooking up with. What the hell is that? Guys, I know you’re confused. What? Girls don’t roll out of bed looking drop dead gorgeous and ready for love? It takes effort? What? Girls occasionally have trouble finding a nice, attractive guy to hook up with? It takes effort? Trust me – for a single girl, the dating scene can be very frustrating. Fear no more ladies! I have developed a game plan for a night out on the town -- in search of a man. It’s not just a game plan; it’s the game plan. Finally, after much soul searching and painstaking research, including cruel experiments on laboratory animals I have developed a way for you to hit a H-O-M-E R-U-N. Prepare to score!
On the prowl.
After developing a reasonable level of liquid courage, you’re ready to hit the bar or club. Regardless of your destination, guys will be there! If you’re going to a club, hooking up with a guy on the dance floor takes little effort. You don’t need to talk; you’re already crammed next to each other, sweating and gyrating… don’t get me started. However, picking up a guy at a bar may be a little more challenging, because you may actually have to come up with something to say
.. , 2 on 1. ooooh boys! evening
Make eye contact.
When you spot your hottie, making eye contact is a must. Not that you want to be staring at him in some weird stalker way, but casually glance in his direction to see if you can meet his eyes. Once you make eye contact, smile – not so big that you blind him or look desperate – a friendly smile, then look away. If you don’t approach him shortly after that, make a point to make eye contact again later-preferably from a different location in the club. Note: You should approach him after you’ve made eye contact twice, at the most. He should not think you’re standing in the corner staring at him. That’s called creepy. Don’t be that girl. (Research findings: Female mice trained to stare at males had a very low “hook up ratio”. Male mice subjected to these females demonstrated a tendency to congregate with other males, drink more gin and tonics, and talk about the “creepy white rodentia with the bugged-out eyes.”)
‘ello d arlin’, what’s name? your
Totally useless fact: The “L.L.” in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
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get your coat! Execute your plan.
Here’s the big step of officially making your move. It’s time to approach the guy you’ve been eying all night. If he’s around a bunch of other guys, it should be easy to casually walk over and strike up a conversation. What to say entirely depends on your situation, how drunk you are and what you want. For instance, if he’s sitting at the bar, just squeeze next to him and wait to order a drink. Find out what he’s drinking. Maybe even drop a line like, “Beer? I’ve never tried one of those.” If he gives you a sip, you’re in. It’s almost impossible not to be forced to say something to each other. Be careful though, you’ve been drinking and this is your first attempt at high-pressure speech. Try not to go over the top with a line like, “Every time I eat a cherry, I tie the stem with my tongue. My mouth is so talented…” Guys who are attracted to lines like that are NOT worth hooking up with. (Research findings: Female rabbits that exposed more than two of their nipples were mated with by males, but were not respected the next morning.)
Rely on your instincts.
Ladies, be smart about the situation. If he looks like a player, acts like a player and walks like a player, then he probably is a player. But hey, if you’re only in it for the one-night thing, go for it – he’s a sure thing. If he doesn’t seem interested (i.e. he keeps looking past you or checks out another girl while you’re trying to talk to him), walk away. After all, he doesn’t realize what he’s missing out on. You may have to sharpen your skills a bit. Your instincts should tell you that if a little eye contact makes a guy hump your leg, he’s probably not interested in paying you the attention you crave. Just because he’ll go to bed with you, doesn’t mean he’ll know what to do when he gets there.
Understand your reasoning.
This is extremely important. Before you go out, and preferably before you start drinking, realize and understand that chances are, you’re not going to meet your husband tonight. Not that it’s impossible, but it is highly unlikely. If you’re only interested in a hook up, stick with that mentality all night. A pathetic, “I’m pretty, right? All I want is love, and a little honesty. Is that too much to ask?” is not the effect you are going for. Save it. Why do you think so many college kids drink? “My last boyfriend, oh sure (sob), he said he loved me (sniff ), but he sure split when he found out that I have herpes (burble), didn’t he?” Not smooth, chica, not smooth.
No regrets.
Most importantly, go out, have fun and wake up the next morning with no regrets. Okay – if you’re in some guy’s bed and he’s not the “really hot guy” you thought he was the night before, I’ll cut you some slack – it happens to the best of us. Just deny everything to your friends; life goes on. Life is too short to be worried about how embarrassed you were when you flashed the bartenders. Who cares? This is college. Without nights like these, we wouldn’t have any stories to tell (or ask our friends to tell for us, because we were too drunk to remember doing such “trashy, college-kid” things.) Besides, one day you may be married; you’ll need something to match the romantic exploits that hubby’s best friend won’t stop talking about. What better way to shut him up than a quick, “That reminds me of this college threesome” story?
Well, ladies, I hope to have been of some help. Guys always claim they would love it if a girl approached them, and they always give us their own little sob story of how “it’s so easy for girls.” Well, it’s time for us to prove it. After all, we’re smarter anyway. Now let’s just prove we have better ways to pick someone up than, “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” or the infamous Joey from Friends phrase, “How you doin’?” 94
campus talk
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september 2012
Totally useless fact: Slugs have four noses.
Twisted Thursday
4-pack as low as
$24
99 .
per person with online advance purchase
Buy early online and save at TheDarkSideOfTheGardens.com or call 1-888-800-544 7.
Valid for 4 or more admissions on Thursdays only (September 27, October 4 and 25 at $24.99, October 11 and 18 at $29.99). Thursday four-pack walk-up admission price is $39.99. Howl-O-Scream is a separate-ticketed night event. Savings based on advance purchase. Prices per person, plus tax. Some restrictions apply. Event dates and times are subject to change or cancellation without notice. Parking is not included. No costumes allowed. Š 2012 SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.