I am Neither

I am Neither

I used to be so attached to my masculinity that it became toxic / I hated anything and everything society deemed to be feminine or ‘girly’ makeup was strictly forbidden in my mind, the color pink was the worst of them all / dolls were for ‘babies’ because I was too tomboyish to find a balance between the things that I loved.

I refused to ever do my nails / let alone take care of my hair or physical well being / I wanted to be strong, sporty, fast, tough, and cool but I grew up in a society that taught me that if I wanted to be all of those things the only answer was / I had to defy femininity / and what did that leave?

Toxic Masculinity.

I learned that I should just enjoy my life and not care about the judgement of others / when I was young I pressured myself to fit this mold / the binary / and when I was told I could only be one or the other I wanted to choose something that I wasn’t because it was better than being what I am. I have felt like both but also like / Neither / I am not a cookie cutter mold that you can fit into the norm. I am not she nor am I he because I am me and I am free from these chains that my family and society tried to fit me to be / I am no longer hurting inside / tormented between choosing who I am and what is expected of me.

I am who I want to be because I control what I love and do.

society and family can’t tell me what I am / just because I like makeup, gardening, flowers, and baking doesn’t mean I am a girl / just because I like to play sports, go hiking, and working outdoors doesn’t mean I am a boy / I am me and no one can tell me who I am supposed to be. no matter how I dress, what I do, what my hobbies are, or my career / none of these things can indicate to you who I am. my body has never matched how I feel or what goes on in my mind / you can’t define me by what you think I am or ‘look like’.

I am not one or the other / but nor am I both.

I am masculine and feminine. I am soft and strong. I am caring and skillful. I am beautiful and independent. I am gentle and tough. I am not one or the other and I am not just one thing.

I am Neither. / I am Non-binary.

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Notes

1. “First Memory” is a poem about the first time that I met my partner freshman year of college.

2. “Peace 10/22/20” was written during the COVID-19 world pandemic and focuses on the first time I felt peace after ten months of working during the pandemic while also working on my undergraduate degree. I explore my feelings of slowing down everyday life and focusing on my partner as well as the world.

3. ‘Valentines Chocolates” is a sonnet that was inspired by my first cardboard heart box of chocolates on Valentines Day from my Father.

4. “[Moments]” is a poem that was created to express physical love and the importance of physical touch. I showcase vulnerability and give and take in a relationship through the narrator describing a relationship with a partner.

5. “Lets Fly Under the Stars!” was based on a true event and is meant to capture the childlike innocence and mind set that snow sledding brings to people. It is focused on two lovers who set out to relive small childhood moments together.

6. “Freckles” is a sensual poem between the narrator and their lover and how the couple must still hide from their families.

7. “Body of Mine” is a poem based on my relationship and how loving someone else and allowing her to love me has begun my journey and self discovery of love for my own body and self.

8. “No one else could know how I feel when I’m” is a poem about nature and love.

9. “Storytelling” is a tanka poem about lovers sharing stories.

10. “The Death of the Three Bananas” is an obituary poem inspired by Victoria Chang’s poetry collection OBIT. It personifies three bananas and explains their deaths.

11. “Kettle” is a concrete poem that expresses my love for tea and what it means to me and makes me think of.

12. “Betrayal” is a narrative poem that combines fiction and fantasy. Filled with adventure, love, hope, pain, violence, and loss. Taylor Swift’s song “Willow” inspired this poem, I listened to the song and created a story based off of one of the lines as well as included it in the poem.

13. “clock” is a poem about time and the personification of a clock.

14. “how i died” was inspired by the belief that birthmarks tell where one was killed in their previous lives.

15. “Snowflake” was written at a point of anger for me. It expresses frustration, expectations, and shows strength.

16. “The Room” was a poem created in a state of mental distress. It is about struggling with mental health issues and how certain environments become toxic. It also touches on the events of 2020 and the COVID-19 world pandemic.

17. “On Death and Poetry” was a poem inspired by an interview with author Victoria Chang.

18. “Looking for god” was written as a poem that touches on the idea of how many people give credit to a god rather than crediting and thanking the people around them.

19. “Decaying Plants” is a poem that was inspired by a retail job that I worked in the garden section. The idea of comparing these dead plants to zombies was stemmed from Roxane

Gay’s short story “There is no ‘E’ in Zombi Which Means There Can Be No You Or We” from the collection ayiti.

20. “It’s a beautiful day, but I’m tired” was written as a thought dump of emotions and events. I wanted to release these things from my mind and my life and transform them into something that could be relatable for many, especially those going through stressful times. Many of the events described were true events from the years 2020-2021.

21. “Craving” is a poem written to be interpreted by readers to apply to their own cravings in life. It can be read in different ways and be focused on whatever comes to mine for readers.

22. “Big Blue River” is a second person poem based on a real event in my life. It is also symbolic of how the world often is difficult for queer couples.

23. “Geode” is a poem that focuses on geodes. I attempted to give contrasting images of the outside versus the inside of a geode and I used language that many people would describe as ugly or unappealing.

24. “Rays” was inspired by imagery of nature and is a narrator describing their lover.

25. “Abandoned Plants from Lowes” is a haiku based off of a retail job I worked during undergraduate school and it focuses on loss.

26. “Lowes Lizard” is based on a true event, while working at Lowes I caught a brown anole lizard and kept it as a pet. I named her Little Foot from the series Land Before Time. The poem not only focuses on the event but also on love and relationships.

27. “Primal” was inspired by a strange quality that I share with my Dad. When we are at home we both will stand in a doorway and use the corners of the framing to scratch our backs. I realized it was me mirroring his actions since I was a child and is just a weird thing that stuck with me through life. This poem touches the themes of nature, family, religion, and also queerness.

28. “Strawberry” is a poem that uses fruit to describe one's beauty.

29. “I Am” is a poem that was written to describe me. It shows the growth and transformation I’ve gone through and the things I’ve overcome.

30. “Hair Style” is a poem dedicated to my high school friend that helped me understand queerness and encouraged me to explore my own identity. It also serves as a thank you letter and story all in one. The poem shows who I used to be and the internalized homophobia I struggled with during high school. I felt such a need to be defensive and reactive back then but this piece reveals how much character development and growing

I’ve done in my life this far.

31. “I am Neither” is the most important piece to me from this collection. This poem truly is me sharing my self discovery of identity and the transformation I’ve gone through to get there.

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Acknowledgements

I would like to thank Etchings Literary and Fine Arts Magazine for publishing “Freckles,” “How i died,” “Body of Mine,” and “Kettle.”

I also need to thank my professors from the University of Indianapolis for inspiring, guiding, mentoring, and nurturing me as a writer. Special shoutouts to Rebecca McKanna, Liz Whiteacre, Barney Haney, Leah Milne, Molly Martin, Megan Bardolph, Kevin McKelvey, Dan Vice, and Rick Marshall. Thank you for educating me and opening my writing and reading opportunities as well as expanding my experiences and pushing me out of my comfort zone.

Thank you to my friends and family for loving me and supporting me through all my endeavors and adventures.

Especially Kim Owen and Hope Coleman, thank you for working with me and helping me create this collection.

I owe the biggest thanks to my best friend, and loving partner, McKenna Tetrick. Thank you for loving me and caring for me. For being my biggest support system and my number one fan. I will always be grateful for you and everything you do. You are my favorite author and creator, I’m your number one fan! Okay, maybe I am a little biased. Let’s go get Boba tea now.

Make sure to read McKenna Tetrick’s debut collection, A Life Among American Gods, on Issuu.com.

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Thank you!

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