Lili Leier Anxiety

Anxiety Lili Leier

I have always been quiet and introverted. I prefer to sit back and just watch everyone else. But at one point, it felt like everyone else was watching me instead. When I was fifteen, I felt like everyone was constantly judging the way I walked, talked, looked, or breathed. Every time I walked down the hallways at school, I kept my eyes glued to the ground. Maybe if I didn’t look at them, they wouldn’t look at me. Maybe they would ignore me. I would shift from thinking about not making eye contact, to overthinking about the way I was walking. Were my steps too big? Were they too small? Was I stomping? Was I swaying oddly? All of my attention was on how I was walking. I hyper focused on how different muscles were moving. And then I forgot how to walk. I never once walked through those hallways comfortably. I was never truly comfortable in general at school. I was most uncomfortable in my speech class. Giving a speech was one of the worst things I could possibly have to do. Everyone's eyes would be on me. Everyone would have to listen to my voice. I remember giving my first introduction speech to the class. An easy ‘get to know me’ speech. But in reality, it was one of the hardest things I had to do. My hands were shaking, and my heart was beating out of my chest before I even stepped in front of my peers. I began overthinking every single word in my speech. What if my speech sounded dumb? Then the whole class would think that I was stupid. My mind was racing through every bad outcome. It felt like my entire body was shaking inside and out. I sped through the speech, hoping to finally be able to sit back down and hide my face. It turned out that I had talked so fast that my sevenminute speech was compressed into a three-minute speech. And my final grade was not very good. You spoke way too fast, I could barely hear you, you didn’t make eye contact with the class once; those were the critiques that I received from my teacher. I did two other speeches in that class before it was too much for me to handle. I panicked and stayed down in the counseling office for most of the semester. I hid. It was easier to hide than to constantly feel like I was being judged. And eventually, I started to feel the same way towards my other classes. It got to the point where I couldn’t make myself go to school. I started falling behind in my classes. I hated myself and the fact that school was so stressful for me. I thought that it would be easier if I switched schools. I spent a lot of time looking at other schools. In the end, I decided that it would be so much worse to be the new kid than the quiet kid. So I picked myself back up and went back to school. I tried to be more easy going. I couldn’t control other people, but I could control myself and how they affect me. Looking back at those moments, the hiding and avoiding made everything so much worse. I’m finally at a point in my life where I realize that I don’t need to please everyone. I just need to be happy with myself. I shouldn’t care whether people are looking at me. It is hard to switch mindsets. But I think that one thing that helped me was joining my high school drama club. I remember my friend, Shyanne, begged me to join.

Of course, I didn’t want to at first. What if everyone hated me? What if I didn’t fit in? Eventually I did give in, and I signed up to be a part of the makeup crew. I soon realized that “drama kids” are some of the most welcoming and inclusive people. I remember sitting in the makeup room with a group of people. They were talking to each other while I sort of sat away from the group, playing with my rings. Someone noticed, so then they pulled me into the conversation. The best part was that it wasn’t uncomfortable. They were genuinely interested in what I had to say. Not an ounce of judgement. There were so many other instances that led to me being comfortable in front of this group of people. They were so encouraging and kind. They might not know it, but they helped me grow as a person. I still struggle with my confidence, and I’m still finding myself. And there are days where I worry about what other people will think. But at least it’s not every single moment of every single day. I’m proud of how far I’ve come.