Getting Ready for the Rest of Your Life

Getting Ready for The Rest of Your Life

Christian

Facilitator’s Edition

Assisting Couples to Prepare for a Strong Christian Marriage

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© 2011 by Laurie Snyman

Printed in the USA

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by recording or photocopy without written permission of the author.

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Worksheet Subjects

Getting to Know You/Your Personal History………………………………………............ 5 Commitment …………………………………………………………………………..….. 14 Communication…………………………………………………………………………..... 17 Conflict Resolution………………………………………………………………………... 21 Household Roles………………………………………………………....………………... 27 Friends……………………………………………………………………..…………..….. 30 Legal Behaviors…………………………………………………………..…………..…… 32 Social Expectations ……………………………………………………….……….……… 34 Vacations…………………………………………………………………..……….…...… 36 Mental Health……………………………………………………………………….…..… 38 Finances …………………………………………………………………………….…..… 41 Maturity-Team vs. Self …………………………………………………………….…...… 50 Medical Health Background …………………………………………...…………….…… 52 Community……………………………………………………………..………………..... 54 Celebrations ……………………………………………………………....……................. 55 Children/Parenting…………………………………………………..……….……………. 58 Emotional Intimacy……………………………………………………….………...…..… 66 Family Relationships……………………………………………………….……..………. 69 Forgiveness …………………………………………………………………...………...… 71 Lifestyle Expectations ………………………………………………….….…..………..... 76 Neediness ……………………………………………………………………………...….. 79 Pets …………………………………………………………………………..……………. 81 Politics …………………………………………………………………….…………....... 83 Substance Abuse………………………………………….………….……………………. 85 Religion…………………………………………………………………………….……… 87 Respect …………………………………………………………………………….…….... 90 Red Flags…………………………………………………………………………….…..… 94 Sexual Intimacy …………………………………………………………………………… 98 Opposites Attract……………………………………………………………………...…… 108 Trust………………………………………………………………………………………... 111 Hobbies……………………………………………………………………………….……. 114 Recreation …………………………………………………………………...…………….. 116 Summary ……………………………………………………………………………….….. 119

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For The Facilitator‐Worksheet 1

Getting To Know All About You

1. Getting married was: a. My idea

c. My fiancée’s idea b. Our idea together

2. We prayed about our relationship many times before we got engaged. a. Yes

Comment:_______________ b. No

3. We think God wants us to marry.

a. Yes

Comment:_______________ b. No

4. We have read some books on marriage together: a. Yes

Comment:_______________ b. No

5. We enjoy: a. The same things

c. Some of the same things b. None of the same things

6. List some of your shared interests:___________________________________________

7. Characteristics I admire about my fiancé: (i.e. steadfast, calm, stable, strong, quick minded) a. _____________

c. _____________ b. _____________

8. I know what my fiancés future dreams and aspirations are: a. True

b. False

9. We share similar goals in our marriage: a. Yes

b. No

Facilitators Note: Couples may have different personalities and ways they get to their goals, but need the same goals in their Christian home.

10. List some goals you have for your marriage: (i.e. want a Christian home, well‐adjusted kids, etc.)

a. ________________________________________________________________________ b. ________________________________________________________________________

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11. Five reasons I want to marry my mate. a. ____________

d. ____________

b. ____________

e. ____________ c. ____________

12. My parents are: a. Happy about my upcoming marriage.

c. Aren’t very interested in our marriage b. Worried about my upcoming marriage.

Facilitator’s Note‐ If a dad or mom say, "I don't think this is the right man or woman for you," don't completely ignore their advice. Find out more about their concerns. Don’t rush a marriage. Set aside time for prayer. Get advice from other people as well. Evaluate your father mother’s advice.

13. When I am with my fiancée’s family, they: a. Seem friendly.

c. Are unfriendly b. Seem disappointed in me.

14. When we get married, we will be together an average of (not counting sleep time): a. 2 hours per day.

c. 4 hours per day. b. 6 hours per day

d. 6 hours or more per day.

15. How much free time spent away from one another is acceptable? a. 1 evening per month?

c. 4 evenings per month b. 2 evenings per month

d. Other: _____________

Facilitator’s Note: Respect your spouses’ need to spend time with his/her friends, but decide prior to marriage how many evenings per month is practical. Agree on some ground rules that make both of you comfortable. Learn to negotiate and compromise. Couples do better when they have other friends. But like all good things, friends can get out of balance, sucking energy out of the marriage.

Strive for balance.

16. Are there some habits that your partner has that you don’t like? a. Yes __________________

b. No

17. We usually do (socially, recreationally) what my fiancé wants to do:

a. Most of the time

c. Other________________

b. Some of the time

18. When we marry, I would like to live in: (circle all that apply) a. A large city

d. In the country b. A suburb e. With relatives

c. A small town

f. In a house

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19. If I could change anything about my fiancé it would be: a. Hairstyle

d. Style of dress b. Height

e. Other:_______________

c. Weight

f. Nothing

20. My fiancé: a. Is easily discouraged

b. Has a lot of persistence

21. The role of the husband in a marriage is to:

a. Cook

d. Be supportive b. Clean

e. Provide c. Be a parent

f. Other: _______________

22. The role of a wife is to: a. Cook

d. Be supportive b. Clean

e. Provide c. Be a parent

f. Other: ______________

23. My fiancée knows: a. When I am sick

b. When I feel sad

24. We have this many couple friends: a. None

d. 3‐4 b. 1‐2

e. More

25. I like my fiancé’s friends: a. Yes

c. Comment: ________ b. No

26. Regarding my accomplishments, my fiancée: a. Makes fun of me

b. Is very proud of me

27. I think my fiancée has: a. Low self esteem

b. High self esteem

Facilitators Note: A partner with low self‐esteem will often become frustrated as they believe his/her spouse doesn't understand and support him/her. When this happens, resentment can grow. Often people with low self‐esteem take difficult issues and make them personal. This can severely damage a marriage. A future spouse with low self‐esteem needs to work on this issue with Bible study, talking to a third person and getting this issue resolved, as it can damaget a future marriage.

28. My fiancée: a. Has a temper problem

b. Is very calm

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Facilitators Note: Tempers can damage marriage communication and respect. When people are angry, the discussions are mostly self‐oriented, and rarely about what is best for the marriage.

Discussions should “end” when a partner becomes angry, and restarted, when a couple is calm and controlled. A person who has angry outbursts needs to work on his/her flaws before marrying.

Talking to a third party to work out the anger issues and set healthy boundaries in the future marriage is highly recommended.

29. My fiancé: a. Is upset when I spend time with my parents c. Lets me go alone to visit my parent b. Spends time with my folks

30. My fiancé: a. Likes animals

c. Is not nice to my animals b. Dislikes animals

d. Not applicable

Facilitator’s Note: There are some adults who were raised to treat animals unkindly. This is a character flaw, which needs some help from a third party. Some adults do not believe animals should be treated with respect or actually become jealous of the time spent with them. This can become a large issue in marriage and needs to be worked on before the marriage takes place person.

31. My fiancé: a. Wears a seatbelt

b. Never wears a seatbelt

32. My fiancé drives: a. Too fast

c. About average b. Too slow

Facilitator’s Note: Research has shown that risk taking Americans have a higher likelihood of dangerous behaviors, injuries and illnesses. (Nuering and Markle, 1974)

33. My faith is of great importance to me. a. Agree

b. Disagree

34. Do you feel it is as important to put as much (or more) work into planning your marriage as you do your wedding ceremony? a. Yes

b. No

35. How important is honesty to you?

a. Very important

b. Most of the time

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Facilitators Notes: One hundred per cent honesty is an excellent goal. Immature behavior is avoiding conflict so they are not in trouble or fearing to tell the truth. In marriage, saying “I didn’t say that” and changing the meaning, etc. or withholding the truth is really blatant dishonesty. This prevents deep intimacy and trust. Own your words and actions, take the punishment and apologize.

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My Personal History

1. Where were you born and raised? __________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

2. School History: What schools did you go to? __________________________________________________________________________________

A. How did you get along with teachers and other students? ____________________________________________________________________________

B. What kind of grades did you get? ____________________________________________________________________________

C. Have you ever been in trouble in school? Yes No If yes, explain: ____________________________________________________________________________

D. Tell about any special recognitions you received. ____________________________________________________________________________

3. Where did you graduate from high school? __________________________________________________________________________________

4. Did you have a graduation party? Yes No If yes, please tell about it: __________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

5. What did you do after graduation (work, college)? If yes, please tell about it: __________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

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A. Give a brief physical history of your family. Describe each parent and your siblings in three words: Mother ___________________________________________________________________ Father ____________________________________________________________________ List each brother and sister: ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________

B. Did you feel loved in your family? Yes No ____________________________________________________________________________

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C. Describe the type of discipline you received as you grew up: ____________________________________________________________________________ D. Did you experience any traumatic situations in childhood? ____________________________________________________________________________ E. Describe if there were divorces, major crises, special memories, deaths, moves to different areas, anyone in military service, etc. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________

7. When did you leave home? Why? __________________________________________________________________________________

8. If you went to College/University, tell about your experience, jobs you held: __________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

9. Tell about when you first noticed your fiancée? What attracted you? __________________________________________________________________________________

10. Why did you pick your fiancé instead of another person? __________________________________________________________________________________

11. When did you start to think you would probably marry your fiancée? __________________________________________________________________________________

12. Why do you think it is time to get married? __________________________________________________________________________________

13. What will you accomplish by getting married? (goals, future dreams, etc.) __________________________________________________________________________________

14. List why you think you will make a good marriage partner? __________________________________________________________________________________

15. Would you say your fiancée is your best friend? No Yes __________________________________________________________________________________

16. Do you have any fears about getting married? No Yes Explain:________________________________________________________________________

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Any Christian who is considering marriage needs to realize the depth of this kind of commitment and not jump into it lightly. God intends marriage to be a lifelong commitment, not a temporary arrangement. The Bible says this about marriage: "'This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together. Mark 10:7‐9 RSV

17. What are you passionate about? __________________________________________________________________________________

18. How do your recharge your emotional batteries? __________________________________________________________________________________

Facilitator’s Notes: It is important you get to know each other deeply, your opinions, your moods, your interests. A superficial relationship can set you up for unhappiness.

19. Is there something your fiancée needs to know about you? No Yes Explain_________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

By loving God supremely, a couple will love each other. They should study how to be a blessing to each other.

20. Do you plan for your future wife to change her name to your name? Yes No

What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.

Nathaniel Hawthorne

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