DEAR 13-YEAR-OLD LAUREN

Dear 13-Year-Old L A U R E N, Written by Lauren Chung, Editor-in-Chief

I’ve thought about what I would say to you if I had the chance for years. There’s so much to say —so much advice, spoilers on how life goes and doesn’t—but the first thing I would do, if I had the chance to meet you, is hug you, hard. I desperately wish I could hold you in my arms and, as cliche as it sounds, tell you that it does get better.

Right now, I know it feels like you can’t catch a break—both from people in your life and your own brain. Right off the bat I’ll tell you that your “friends” are not friends. I’ll also tell you that it’s not your fault that you feel like everything is spiraling out of control and slipping through your fingers. I know it’s confusing, but it’s not your fault that you’re losing interest in gymnastics, the seemingly constant affirmation that you were good at something in life. It’s not your fault that you’re angry all the time—or sad, numb. You are not dramatic or too sensitive, you’re hurting. Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers as to exactly why you feel this way. Sometimes, you just do. That’s okay.

Here’s what I can say:

One day you will wake up and you won’t sob that you’re awake and have to go on with another day. One day you’ll be able to fall asleep without running through a list of ways the world would be better off without you. One day you will escape the toxic, emotionally and physically abusive friendship you’re in and find friends who will love and support you unconditionally, not tear you down. One day you will find better ways to cope with pain than self-harm. One day you will get into college.

Yes, you heard that right. You eventually pick up school again, not because you have to get passing grades or because you have to live up to your family’s expectations, but because you lean into your innate curiosity. You will study things you love and discover you have not just a knack for them but a burning passion. You will learn that your hunger for justice and balance are the exact ingredients for the recipe of a great writer and journalist. The world needs you to tell stories—both yours and others’. (Oh, and you’ll join a magazine called Moda your freshman year and it’ll be the best decision you ever make. You will grow as a writer and designer, and eventually become their first female Asian American Editor in Chief, making your wildest dreams come true.) when you’re truly ready. And when you do, it feels damn good. Medication and therapy are a weird mix of both added stressors and steps towards taking back control of your life, but a glorious weight will feel lifted when you finally give yourself what you need and deserve.

So much so that you’re going to fall in love with life—truly, breath-takingly and for the first time ever. When you move to London (yes, that seemingly intangible dream also comes true) and are truly on your own, you’ll realize you are strong and capable. You can do all that you thought your anxiety said you couldn’t and you do it damn well. You will see the most beautiful places on earth and meet the kindest souls in the form of friends and traveling strangers. You will love life and, for the first time, genuinely love yourself.

On the topic of love, you will, eventually, fall in love. Kind of crazy, right? Not only will you accept yourself and realize you are smart, talented and important enough to love yourself, but someone else will too. I know you think that you are impossible to be loved and that you couldn’t imagine someone else looking at you like that. You’re wrong. Someone does—and that same someone will help you love yourself in new ways. When you fall in love for the first time, you will be scared and the timing of it won’t be ideal but it won’t matter. Lean into it. Learning that you can feel a love so immensely strong for someone else is an amazing feeling. For the first time, you’ll be able to love and care for someone at the same time you’re loving and caring for yourself.

I cannot promise that you’ll never feel pain, anxiety or like giving up. You will from time to time. What I can tell you is that those moments won’t feel as crippling as they do to you know (and god do I remember how crippling they feel to you now). You will learn to accept that your anxiety and depression are not your weaknesses. You will learn that, yes, they absolutely are shitty, but you are not defined by them.

The world needs you, Lauren. Don’t give up. You’re important. Please know that.

All the love in the world,

At 21 you will gain the courage to get help. (Spoiler alert: you are depressed, and that’s okay.) It’s a long time coming, I know. I bet you expected to hear you would sooner. I’m sorry it might take awhile. But you do it on your own time 22-year-old Lauren