i didn’t know it at fifteen

By Erin B.

Going into my freshman year of high school, I remember listening to “Fifteen” by Taylor Swift on the bus ride in the morning. I was so excited because I could finally relate to the song, which had been my favorite since I was 8 years old. The entire first verse of the songs talks about walking into high school on the first day of your freshman year, seeing your friends, and hoping that a senior boy will notice you. I walked off the bus and into the doors and awkwardly found my friends and to my surprise, no senior boys noticed me. I didn’t even know which ones were the senior boys.

Throughout my freshman year, I would make it a habit to listen to “Fifteen” every day. I never got sick of it, and it eventually became my theme song. As my freshman year progressed, I struggled with depression. Maybe it was me trying to “figure myself out” in high school or maybe it was some toxic friendships. I still listened to the same Taylor Swift song which made me feel less alone. One line always stuck out to me while I was struggling: “I’ve found time can heal most anything.”

Whenever I had a hard day, like when one of my friends was talking about me behind my back, I would always think about this line, and I always told myself that one day I would finally be able to relate to it. This awkward freshman time period would pass, and I would eventually be healed by the passing of time.

“I’ve found time can heal most anything.”

I got through my freshman and sophomore years. Nothing really changed. Then my junior year I met a boy who I fell completely in love with. He made me feel so loved and

made me forget about any hardships I went through. I started to think that my time had come and he had healed me. I started to think I could finally relate—finally, time had healed most everything.

One week after Valentine’s Day, he broke my heart.

I thought: time has stopped and it is never going to heal.

My best friend at the time was all I thought I had left. She was consistently there for me and someone I thought would be my best friend for life. My heart was broken and I thought my life was over because of a boy. She listened to me and comforted me through all of it.

Our senior year came around and I completed my college applications, got accepted to my dream school, and prepared to say goodbye to my best friends.

Then, when it came time for prom, my best friend told me she was dating my ex-boyfriend.

What the fuck.

I graduated high school without my best friend, and I had gone four years trying and failing to relate to my favorite line from “Fifteen.”

I went off to college and for the first time in my life I was on my own. I went through a couple of heartbreaks and had my fair share of shitty friends. Now, as a junior in college, I know who I am. All along I never needed someone to “heal” me. No boyfriend and no best friend could have healed me.

A now 20-year-old me screams the lyric, “I’ve found time can heal most anything,” and for the first time in her life, relates to it.

I thought: time has stopped and it is never going to heal.