jac’s diary

breakdowns. I don't like putting that pressure on my mom. I don't like that I feel like shit. I don't like that I have a pit of anxiety in my stomach. I don't like that I worry all the time. I don't like that I can't figure out my priorities. I don't like that I stopped reading for western civ. I don't like that I can't figure out if it's worth reading for western civ. I don't like that I stopped reading for English. I don't like that I don't want to read for English because it could be useful information but I have no energy to do it. I don't like that my lack of motivation is a symptom of depression. I don't like that being sad relates to my major. I don't like that being sad and anxious makes me think I'll be a terrible social worker but i also think that maybe you have to be a bit crazy to understand crazy people. I hate that I think I'm crazy. I hate the idea that I'll probably be fine in a few days. I hate that I'll either be genuinely fine and this will have been a waste of time or that it will get swept under the rug, waiting to come back out. I hate that I want to rush to Christmas break. I hate that I constantly live in a state of wanting to fast forward instead of enjoying the little things. I hate that I don't know how to enjoy the little things. I hate that I hate myself. I hate myself but I also feel super

arrogant. How can you hate yourself and be a pompous ass at the same time? Because that's what I'm doing. I think I'm better than every thing that I'm doing but I also feel like a piece of shit and don't deserve any of the opportunities that I'm being given. I feel like an ingrate. I feel like I take things for granted. But am I taking things for granted if I recognize that I'm doing it? I hate that I wish I was writing this in a notebook instead of my phone. I hate that it's 12:35 am and I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. I hate that I can never fall asleep at night because all of these anxieties run through my head every night. I hate that I feel so, so lonely. I feel empty and I don't know why. I just want vegetable soup and my mom. I just want to go home. I hate people who live close to this school and can go home easily but it's really because I envy the hell out of them. I hate that thanksgiving is so late in the year. I hate that I know I'll be miserable when I get home for too long too. I hate that I'll fight with my sister and my mom will disappoint me. I hate that the most. I hate that I will have homework. I hate that I don't know how to balance school and not. I hate that I can't read anymore because I don't have time and when I do read I get too much anxiety and too many thoughts. I'm unable to sit idly long enough to read. My brain cannot shut up long enough to enjoy a book. I have a cold. I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm lonely. But I don't want to be with anyone here. I have friends that I really like. But I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk to a

counselor. I don't know why not. I obviously believe in counseling. I guess I don't think there's a solution. Because there's nothing wrong? But clearly there is something wrong. I feel like I'm thirteen again. I like to talk about other people's problems, not my own. Not to a stranger. There's nothing wrong with this school but I resent it. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because of money. Or because I don't feel appreciated. Because I walk past the president and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. Because there are always better places you could be. Because everything I did in high school with the exception of my SATs counts for nothing. I try to control people and make them more like me. It's a disgusting trait. Again that goes back to my arrogance/self-hatred paradox. I try to change my sister. I try to force my views on people. How do you find the balance between standing up for your beliefs and not try to change people? I feel so guilty all the time. About what I eat. About the homework I don't do. About staying up too late. About not exercising. About watching too much tv. Because there is always work that could be done. About feeling so sorry for myself when in reality nothing is wrong. I just need to shut up and have a good attitude. I genuinely don't believe it's possible for people to fully control their happiness and attitude and outlook. You can control a little bit, but my nature is simply depressing. Maybe I just need to change my birth control. I want to go home. I want to hug my mom and cry into her

arms. I don't want to talk to anybody about anything. I just want to cry and be held. But I can't. That's the only only only thing I want and I can't have it. I just want to hug my mom and cry. But that's also pathetic and entitled and spoiled bc I can't wait 3 weeks for thanksgiving and some people have absolutely no one to hug ever. I still feel like I'm going to puke. I don't know if this made me feel better or worse. My throat is killing me. I want to be happy. I just want to be happy. Why am I not happy? I'm at a great college and I'm doing well in classes and I have pretty good friends. Is it just because I'm homesick? Or just because I'm PMSing? Or just because I'm a psychotic ass hole with self esteem issues? I should take advantage of where I am. So many people don't even finish high school and I'm at a university. College is what you make of it. Nothing is wrong. So why do I feel like shit? Again, maybe this will all blow over and I'll feel better in the morning. I hope so. I feel guilty that I probably got mommy upset. And it's confusing because I feel guilty about venting to her but I wish she was awake so I could text her. Bc I'm lonely. I want vegetable soup and some love. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I pray that tomorrow I'll be okay. Not perfect, but okay.

jaclyn griffith nov 6, 2013