SOMETHING MORE FAITH SERIES
Getting More Out of Marriage
SOMETHING MORE FAITH SERIES
“The grace of the Sacrament of Marriage is like a fire hydrant. Inviting the Spirit in opens the valve.”
W
hether you are newly married, have been married for a long time, or are soon-to-be married, discover how your marriage can go from bad to good, from good to great, or even from great to excellent. Mark and Melanie Hart understand both the joys and challenges of marriage. Through candid discussions, Scriptural reflection, relevant questions, and actions items, Getting More Out of Marriage will leave you laughing out loud and inspired to unfold the beautiful gift of your marriage. Mark and Melanie Hart live in Phoenix, Arizona, with their four children. Together, they minister to married and engaged couples in group and personal settings. Mark is the executive vice president for Life Teen International, a bestselling author, and an internationally known speaker. Melanie spends her free time ministering to, counseling, and mentoring women of all ages.
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Getting More Out of Marriage
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Mark and Melanie Hart
Getting More Out of Marriage SOMETHING MORE FAITH SERIES
Mark and Melanie Hart
®
Copyright © Mark and Melanie Hart All rights reserved. Published by The Word Among Us Press 7115 Guilford Drive, Suite 100 Frederick, Maryland 21704 23 22 21 20 19 1 2 3 4 5 ISBN: 978-1-59325-131-4 Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. and are used by permission of copyright owner. All rights reserved. No part of the New American Bible can be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the copyright owner. Excerpts from the English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church for the United States of America copyright © 1994, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops—Libreria Editrice Vaticana. English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church: Modifications from the Editio Typica copyright © 1997, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops—Libreria Editrice Vaticana. Used with permission. Design by Suzanne Earl No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotation in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the author and publisher. Made and printed in the United States of America
Contents Introduction: Our Imperfect Gift / 4 How to Use This Booklet / 6 Session One First Things First: Rediscovering the Sabbath / 8 Session Two Prayer Changes Things: Reprioritizing Your Married Life / 14 Session Three Keeping the Main Thing the Main Thing: Guarding Priorities / 20 Session Four The End of Each Sentence: Active Listening / 25 Session Five And Then Some: The Art of Sacrifice / 31 Afterword / 37 Prayers for Catholic Couples / 38
INTRODUCTION
Our Imperfect Gift By Melanie Hart I recently came across a quote from Picasso that read: “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” It was at the end of a long day. The kids were pulling me in different directions. I had been flying solo, Mark had just returned from a trip, and I was just wiped. I had nothing left to give and it made me feel full and empty at the same time. That’s when my husband told me about this book idea that turned into what you are now holding in your hands. You see, writing is not my gift; it’s my husband’s. By the time we collapse onto the couch at night and all the kids are in bed, I can barely piece a sentence together to be honest. I’m a wife and a mom. I can counsel, tutor, work out, clean, chauffeur, counsel some more, go to bed, wake up, and repeat. Most days are a blessed blur. Some days I feel like a good wife and mom and many days I don’t. Some days my prayer is great and many days it isn’t, but I’m trying. So, when Mark and I were asked to do another book, I was reluctant because, again, I’m not the writer and, to be honest, we have more marriage “failure” to draw from than successes. We work hard at our marriage and take marriage seriously, while trying not to take everything too seriously. As we talked and prayed about doing this booklet, my heart was telling me we should “give this gift away,” as Picasso put it. Through countless conversations on the couch, a bunch of date nights, some long walks away from our awesome but very busy and loud kids, and more than a couple glasses of wine, we talked through each of these sessions, Bible passages, stories, and 4
discussion questions. By the time Mark helped turn this mom’s ramblings, thoughts, and reflections into coherent sentences, I was grateful we had agreed to do this. Ladies, from one wife to another, I hope this little book blesses both your heart and your ongoing communication with your husband, and I pray he will be open to it and to you. Guys, I hope you are always open to listening to the needs of your wife’s heart, even if she doesn’t always communicate them the right way. I know I don’t. Mark and I don’t claim to have it all together. In fact, most days we don’t have anything together, but maybe if we all get better at admitting that fact, then our marriages will get even stronger. Marriage is a gift from God and this book is a way we are looking to “fulfill our purpose” and give that gift away. Thanks for your interest in this little book. We’ll be praying for you!
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How to Use This Booklet Whether used individually, as a couple, or in a small group, each session of Getting More Out of Marriage is designed to take less than an hour. If you are using it on your own, remember to begin and end each session with prayer. If you are reading the booklet with your spouse or as part of a small group, the following guidelines can help you have a successful, fruitful experience: 1. Establish a prayerful environment by taking the time to pray before beginning. Ask the Holy Spirit to be with your group. Pray, “Come, Holy Spirit� slowly several times. Allow for a few moments of silence. Then say a prayer together, like the Our Father, the Hail Mary, or the Glory Be. 2. Have someone read aloud the Scripture passage that appears at the beginning of each session. 3. Assume everyone has read the commentary beforehand. If not, you might ask one person to try to summarize the main points of the commentary or say what most struck them from reading it. 4. Begin discussing the questions, being careful not to rush to the next question, especially if not everyone has spoken. Some people need more time to gather their thoughts. People who tend to be quiet may need a moment of silence before they feel free to express themselves. 5. If the discussion strays, try to bring it back to the questions or text. Any member of the group should feel free to gently steer the discussion to the next point.
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6. When you are finished with the questions, go over the “Before the Next Session” section and ask whether anyone has any questions about it. Encourage participants to follow the suggestions throughout the coming week. 7. End with prayer. Perhaps someone could pray spontaneously, thanking God for the opportunity to gather together to pray and study God’s word. 8. Make sure you know when and where you are gathering for the next session. Encourage participants to read the Scripture passage and commentary and to reflect on the questions for the next session before the group gathers again. This will help them get the most out of each session.
GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR BOOKLET
Before each session, visit wau.org/faithseries for a short video introduction.
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To begin this session, visit wau.org/faithseries to view the free video introduction.
SESSION
ONE
First Things First: Rediscovering the Sabbath
Genesis 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. Genesis 2:3 God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work he had done in creation.
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hat’s completely illogical. It just doesn’t make any sense,” I said to my wife in bewilderment. “Why would I go with you to the craft store and the mall when we have so many projects to do here at the house? It makes more sense for you to run errands and for me to knock out this list. And then we can meet up in a few hours for dinner.” I said all of this in a confident tone, sure that my wife would feel the same way. Of course, had I been paying attention, the look on her face would have signaled that my strategic approach to our Saturday—though certainly efficient and valid— was sorely lacking from a sacramental standpoint. We were newly married and trying to put together our first home. Merging our unique tastes and design 8
sensibilities (that’s a fancy way of saying Melanie had style, and Mark still had a coffee table from Goodwill) proved fun but challenging. More challenging, however, was my mind-set—namely, that completing tasks in the most economical and efficient way is how a husband shows love to his wife. That’s how I was raised, and it was hard to break away from that approach. Melanie, on the other hand, was raised in the South and immersed in a family culture in which time with loved ones was understood as nonnegotiable. “Visiting” with someone—even while running errands together—showed not only love but respect. In short, I was raised in the firmly-held belief that caring about your spouse (and, eventually, your children) was about providing. Melanie was raised to believe that caring about your spouse meant caring for them—being present to them. It became quite clear early in our marriage that we viewed our time and how to best use it as a married couple quite differently. And for those who may be wondering—yes, I escorted my wife to both the mall and craft store that day. I’m efficient, but I’m not an idiot.
First Things First Early in Scripture, the Sabbath was established as a day of rest. The first such reference occurs right at the beginning: after the six days of creation, God “rested on the seventh day” (Genesis 2:2). When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, he gave humanity the nonnegotiable command to also rest on the seventh day, the Sabbath, as he himself did at the time of creation (see Exodus 20:8-11). This 9
command reflects the important principle of time management and prioritization. And God’s priorities reflect a very different type of time management than what I aimed for with my wife. It’s all about putting God (and others) first. He commands us to rest on the Sabbath and to refrain from doing any work, not because he needs Within marriage, the Sab- this, but because we do. As a Catholic (or Catholic couple) bath acts, among other reading this in today’s culture, things, as a reminder to it’s easy to reduce this comthe married couple of mand merely to attending Mass their covenant with God. on Sunday and doing whatever we want with the rest of the day. And while attending weekly Mass is obligatory and praiseworthy, full adherence to God’s command for sabbath rest goes much deeper. What does your Sunday look like? Is it a full day to physically rest? Is it a day of spiritual intimacy with God and spiritual and emotional intimacy between you and your spouse (or with your family, if you have children)? Is it a day to recalibrate your soul to God and prepare for the week of work ahead, or has it become a catchall day filled with laundry, cleaning, shopping, football, kids’ activities, yard work, paying bills, and the like? Have you ever stopped to consider what your Monday would look like if you seriously followed God’s command to keep the Sabbath holy by resting and entering into deeper communion with him? Now, you might be saying to yourself, “What does this have to do with marriage?” Within marriage, the Sabbath acts, among other things, as a reminder to the married couple of their covenant with 10
God. He desires time with them not only individually but as a couple. In the words of the late, great Blessed Fulton Sheen, “It takes three to be married.” We can think of the sabbath rest in Genesis as a reminder not only of the great work God had undertaken in creation but also as a time set aside as a sort of honeymoon for Adam and Eve. In other words, a constant and consistent reminder to enter into intimate communion with God and with one another. When we not only see but also honor God’s presence in our spouses and allow ourselves to be present to them, we are fulfilling one aspect of God’s command. When Melanie asked me to accompany her to the stores, it wasn’t because she wanted me to carry the bags (although I’m sure that was a perk). It was because she wanted time with me. Our time was more important to her than my knocking out my honey-do list a few hours sooner. I came to understand that entering into communion with her was a way of honoring God and our sacrament of marriage. In this way, my appreciation for my wife took on a more “divine” perspective. It’s not that God is opposed to work but, rather, that before work—before anything else, he is asking us to be present to his presence. We meet up with this same perspective in the New Testament when Jesus encourages Martha to reconsider her work-oriented attitude and understand that her sister Mary has gotten it right. Mary has set aside the work in order to sit at the feet of Jesus (see Luke 10:38-42). In a similar way, God is asking us to set aside the Sabbath to sit with him.
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Rethinking Our Priorities How much time do you make for your spouse? There will always be something else to do. To be sure, building a home, family, and future—whether you’re in your first year or your forty-first year of marriage—is a challenge. In some ways, marriage is like a merge lane on a highway: there has to be a lot of give-and-take from all parties if there’s going to be any forward movement. That said, the marriage merge lane is a lot easier when husband and wife are on the same page when it comes to time spent. If rest and presence are important enough to God that he oriented all of time and every week to the Sabbath, what might that mean for his hopes for us when it comes to time with our spouses? Would God measure a successful married relationship by how efficiently we get things done, by how perfect the house looks, or by how much “me” time we get? Or does he measure a successful marriage by how we structure and order our days, months, and years around him and one another? Before we can get more out of our marriages and unleash the fullness of the sacramental graces contained therein, we must be honest with ourselves. Have other gifts—like work, projects, or our own children—slowly and subtly crept into our lives in a way that leaves little or no real time for our spouses? It is eerily possible—especially in tired, stressed, or busy seasons—to be physically in the same room but to be emotionally distant from one another. While time together cannot cure or heal every wound, it can go a long way in helping to maintain a holy and healthy marriage. Before we head on to the next session, take some time with your spouse to answer the following questions. 12
Reflection Questions 1. Does your current schedule reflect that God is the most important gift in your life? 2. Does your current schedule communicate to your spouse that they are the most important person in your life? 3. What are one or two examples of ways you can make time for your spouse that may not be convenient or preferable to you? 4. What are one or two ways you could put aside your preferences regarding time and activities to demonstrate to your spouse that spending time with them is the most important thing to you? 5. One a scale of one to ten, how present are you to your spouse? How would they rate your presence to them?
Before the Next Session Make time with your spouse to do something new or something you haven’t done in a while. Go screen free for the entire night: no phones, tablets, or television. Perhaps go for a walk, or try a new restaurant for dinner. Allow a short amount of time to talk about your schedule or tasks, but get those topics out of the way early. If you usually spend most of your time talking about the kids or grandkids, fight that urge. Focus on your spouse. Ask questions. Reminisce. Be completely present.
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