Woroni: Edition 11, 2011

KILLERS & DEATH METAL SEOUL TWITTER NEW POETRY FORAGING FOR FOOD INSIDE: SERIAL THIRD WHEELING CANTEEN CHINA THE POPE GADDAFI EROTICA LIBYA SPORT ROUNDUP

7 SEP 2011

Vol.63 VOLUME 63, NOno. 11 9

11 AUGUST 2011

The Australian National University Newspaper Since 1948

TOILETS ON CAMPUS ( P.4)

WHAT's ON: CULTURE IN THE CAPITAL (P.11) www.woroni.com.au

FEES UP AT HALLS Tariffs at Halls of Residence to increase by 7-8% next year MARIE NGIAM NEWS SUBEDITOR The ANU accommodation crisis took a turn for the worse when it was revealed that students living in ANU-run halls and colleges will be hit with a rise in accommodation costs in 2012.

This news comes barely two weeks after a Q&A style session organised by the National Union of Students was held at the ANU to discuss concerns students had regarding accommodation services at the ANU. Residents living in a standard self-catered room in Bruce Hall and Ursula Hall will see their weekly tariff rise from $297.50 to $317.90 per week, a total increase of $20.40 per week. Burton and Garran Hall, Fenner Hall and Toad Hall residents will experience a similar rise in room tariffs from $163 to $175.30, a total increase of $12.30 per week. Residents living in single bedrooms would be hit the hardest, with a total increase of $30 increase per week.

It will cost $1,060 more per year for a standard catered room, $640 more for a self-catered room and $1,560 more for a single bedroom.

University Accommodation Services (UAS) cites an increase in fruit and vegetable prices in Canberra, as well as staff salaries,

Arts degrees How will they change?

VINCENT CHIANG CORRESPONDENT

as the main reasons why the costs of running residential halls in Canberra have risen and an increase in tariffs is needed.

However, it is unclear how and why this should affect the rise in tariffs for students living in noncatered accommodation. In fact, these students will experience a sharper rise in accommodation costs with an 8% increase, while those living in catered accommodation will experience a 7% increase.

Woroni understands that the increase in tariffs comes after UAS reneged on a promise to conduct a review and reassessment on room tariffs. In a meeting held last year, UAS agreed to freeze room tariffs for 2011 in order to reassess the budgets of individual halls of residences, and

investigate alternative options to counter the shortfall in funding at these residences through an external review. Neither of these promises were carried out. The way in which UAS sought to get these recommendations approved was also disappointing, as the document outlining these tariff increases was sent out to relevant student representatives only hours before the meeting to discuss these changes was held.

The discontent with how accommodation services are currently being run coupled with the lack of accommodation options in Canberra was brought to the fore in ANUSA’s recent submissions to the ACT Legislative Assembly Standing Committee on Education, Training and Youth Affairs.

The submission highlighted the

accommodation shortage facing the ANU and recommended measures that could be taken to combat these problems. Among others, it recommended exploring the possibility of emulating a US-style housing Cooperative.

This option was echoed by the Canberra Student Housing Cooperative, which also put forward a submission to the ACT Legislative Assembly.

“Housing is not just an issue for first years but for all ANU students”, ANU Students’ Association President Leah Ginnivan said. “We think there should be more affordable housing for students in the inner north, and the ACT government can help with this by allowing more student-friendly and lower cost developments to happen”.

Geoff Lemon: A Man With A Mouth ANU GRIZZLIES DO US PROUD LISA VISENTIN FEATURES SUBEDITOR

If you haven’t heard of Geoff Lemon until now then you are in for a treat!

Acerbic by name and nature Geoff Lemon punched his way into the Australian political conversation earlier this year with his viciously eloquent article titled “You shut your goddamn carbon-taxin’ mouth”. Since then, that piece and many of his subsequent articles, all of which are posted on his blog Heathen Scripture, have been run on The Drum and The Punch, but not

before they pixelated their way across Australia via facebook.

At a time where our current political commentary is being inundated by the suffocating conservatism of the Divines and Bolts as they champion a crusade of stagnation on issues such as gay rights and climate change, Lemon has become a popular voice of reason, ruthless hilarity and vitriolic smuttery. If you are not reading this guy, you should be. Right now. Well, after you read Woroni’s interview with him.

INTERVIEW, P9

Photo by Josh Lickiss

The ANU Grizzlies are through to the finals of the NSW Tertiary Students Grand Final after defeating the UC Cows 20-14 FULL STORY P.18

Students reading the online Study@ANU page will have noticed substantial changes to the Bachelor of Arts.

Students beginning at the ANU prior to 2012 will now have the choice between continuing their previous program of study, or engaging with the newer, more flexible study program.

This will introduce numerous structural changes to the Bachelor of Arts major.

The new Arts degree will require 48 units for the completion of an Arts major, as opposed to 42 units in the previous degree structure.

This brings the ANU’s major requirements to a similar standard to the University of Melbourne and the University of Sydney, which require a similar number of units (or their equivalent) for the completion of a major.

More radically, the change in the degree structure will allow for the completion of minors.

These 24 units sequences gives students “recognition for having done…quite a coherent area of study” on their university transcripts according to the College of Arts and Social Sciences Dean of Education Professor Joan Beaumont.

Professor Beaumont also states that the university will offer new “Advanced Area of Specialisation” options, such as American Studies and Classical Chinese which would be unfeasible to offer as part of a student’s major, but should nevertheless be given CONTINUED P.2

NEWS

“Don’t frack with coal seam”: protesters to uni RICHARD KEYS NEWS SUBEDITOR

Around 30 students from the ANU Environmental Collective gathered to protest against coal seam gas extraction on Thursday 1st September. Their grievances included the ANU’s support for this practice, the unknown health consequences of the method used to extract it - hydraulic fracturing, and concern for the rights of landowners to stop such methods on and around their land.

Particularly concerning was that of the 23 chemicals used in the hydraulic fracturing process, only 2 have been adequately tested for their effects on the environment and human health.

Of these chemicals used, some are known

carcinogens to animals and, due to the bioaccumulative nature of many of these chemicals, there is the risk that they might contaminate environments and water supplies with potentially devastating effects.

The protesters expressed their discontent with the fact that

Arts degree changes continued from page 1

substantial recognition in a student’s transcript.

Finally, there is the addition and loss of specific majors. Certain majors such as Applied Linguistics will only be available to students as minor sequences, while others, such as Classics, will now be given their own undergraduate degrees.

Students will also be able to take majors offered by other Colleges, such as Chinese (Mandarin) and Mathematics.

The CASS website has now been updated with a full list of changes, as well as advice for students wishing to transfer into

the new program structure.

CASS has also stated that it will offer a University advisory session in October, directed primarily at students who are unsure about what these changes mean or are otherwise concerned by how the changes may affect them.

Applications for program transfer must be completed by 9th December 2011.

The popularity of transfers remains to be seen, particularly for later-year students who may find it difficult to complete their previously course of study given the new set of requirements.

the ANU is currently the 12th largest investor in the coal seam gas extraction company, Metgasco, owning close to 1% of the company. Concerns were raised as to whether it is ethical for the nation’s premiere research university to support a company that uses a method of energy production with such

unknown consequences.

The Environment Collective suggested that investment in Metgasco is contradictory to the image the ANU is trying to cultivate of being a leader in climate change and renewable energy.

The protesters called for a stop to coal seam gas extraction until the dangers have been fully analysed, suggesting the current short-trm moratorium on exploration in places such as New South Wales be expanded in scope, made indefinite, and introduced across the whole of Australia. They further suggested that the ANU distance itself from this technology.

“The ANU should definitely reassess their contribution to this rapidly expanding, harmful and unethical industry”, said protester Clare Harrison.

Student forum with VC ANGUS CAMERON WRITER

At 1pm on Thursday 29th September, the Vice-Chancellor of the ANU will take part in a student run forum on his ten-year vision for the ANU. The appearance of the Vice Chancellor during market day in Union Court is, for the most part, an unheard of occurrence and it offers an unprecedented opportunity for Professor Young to put his vision of the ANU’s future to students, and for students to question that vision.

Topics under discussion will include the ANU’s research strategy, education plans, national policy focus and relationship with

industry.

The event offers a great opportunity for both sceptics and supporters of Professor Young’s position to have their questions addressed in an informal and personal setting.

The Critical Mass forum comes at an interesting time in light of the ANU’s recent drop in both the Shanghai Jiao Tong rankings and the Times Higher Education rankings. Both of these organizations have recently ranked the ANU below the University of Melbourne for the first time in their history of the rankings.

All students are invited to come along to the forum to hear the Vice Chancellor.

THE NEWS EXPLAINED with Max Phillis

The Libyan situation In early February groups of Libyan civilians began their own incarnation of the revolutions occurring across the Arab world.

While each of these revolutions had its own catalyst, the uniting themes are the frustration with pervasive corruption and anger at oppressive governments. For Libya in particular, perceived corruption was in many ways the ultimate catalyst, having the highest level of perceived corruption amongst all the Arab states facing rebellion.

This concern was compounded by estimates that up to one in every

five people was a government informant under Gaddafi’s regime.

This particular uprising began in the eastern town of Benghazi, historically seen as an opposition stronghold. A “Day of Rage” led to the torching of police stations and other government buildings and was answered by the military with live ammunition. Despite this response the military and police were forced out of the city within two days, though a sizable number of defectors stayed behind.

This apparent victory encouraged further uprisings across the country, while the protesters in Benghazi continued to push back Gaddafi’s forces. Gaddafi responded to

this new threat with significant brutality, including the systemic shooting of protesters, torture and alleged mass rape. This led the International Criminal Court to issue an international arrest warrant for Gaddafi for crimes against humanity. Coupled with Gaddafi’s use of tanks and aircraft against civilians, this provided the political will for NATO intervention on the side of the rebels.

Despite civilian casualties, the intervention provided what the rebels lacked in air support, as well as training in tactics and weapon use. Over several months this has shifted the power balance towards the rebels who

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Editors Elouise Fowler Sophie Turnbull Angus Minns Simon Thompson Scott Bolton Tom Westland Uma Patel Cameron Knott Subeditors Marie Ngiam (News) Richard Keys (News) Izzy Roper (Opinion) Rachel Davies (Opinion) Lisa Visentin (Features) Gareth Robinson (Features) Jess Millen (Culture) Liv Clarke (Culture) Will Walton (Sport) Farzaneh Edraki (At-Large) Cam Wilson (Web) Tom Garwood (Web) Zid Mancenido (Outreach) Proofreaders Patrick Ingle Daniel Lynch Letters To The Editor Love us or loath us, we’d love to hear from you!

The best letter published wins a kilo of coffee from our friends at Lonsdale St. Roasters.

Send in letters to woroni@anu.com.au.

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Send them in to woroni@anu.edu.au or come to our offices and have a chat.

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now control over 90% of the country and the capital Tripoli.

With Gaddafi effectively defeated, attention in Libya is turning to the massive task of reconstruction and justice, while the West quietly ponders what type of government will fill this new void.

@Woroni Deadline Submissions for Edition 12 (Election Edition) must be in before 5PM Wednesday 14th September.

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NEWS

THE FORTNIGHT

Woroni’s guide to the world at large

NEWS QUIZ

You’d be lucky to be a high school student in Camden, New Jersey at the moment. Under Camden’s “I Can End Truancy” Program, 66 students who signed pledges promising not to skip class during their school year will be awarded money in a bid by state officials to address truancy rates. Some will be paid up to $100.

Black Face Controversy Qantas recently found itself red faced over a black face stunt, as part of a competition asking fans how they would best support the Wallabies in the Bledisloe Cup. Two men were awarded tickets to the game after they promised to dress up as Fijian-born Wallaby Radike Samo. The two wore black pace paint and afro wigs. Qantas apologised for posting the photo to Twitter, after the incident caused considerable outrage in the Twittersphere.

How Much is a Penis Worth?

Not $16 million, apparently. A Kentucky jury ruled last Thursday against a man who sought to recover that amount for the loss of his penis, after it was removed by surgeons four years ago. Doctors sought to amputate the man’s appendage after it was found to be cancerous. The court rejected the man’s argument that he suffered sufficient loss of “service, love, and affection”. There’s a lesson in all this, folks: be wary of signing consent forms. You may lose your penis.

... Just Kidding!

Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has undertaken serious damage control after comments she made equating Hurricane Irene to an act of God against Washington. At a campaign rally she addressed the crowd: “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’” Bachmann insists these comments were only in jest.

1 The half-brother of which Queensland MP came out on national television, after the MP publicly ridiculed gay marriage at a rally?

2 How many Wikileaked U.S. diplomatic cables are now available on the internet?

3 Who did cricket commentator Nasseer Hussein call a “donkey” during the recent Twenty20 match?

Winslet to the Rescue

Eid Mubarak!

Kate Winslet rescued Richard Branson’s mother from a burning home. The actress was staying at Branson’s Caribbean holiday home with her children when the house caught on fire. According to witnesses, Winslet carried Branson’s 90-year-old mother to safety from the flames. Richard Branson has described Winslet as a “heroine”.

Thousands of Muslims celebrated Eid alFitr with feasts last Wednesday. It marks the end of Ramadan, the Islamic holy month of fasting. The holiday served as a day of respite from fighting in Libya.

4 Which Australian state announced new planning laws giving households the right to veto wind turbines within two kilometres of their home?

5 Who did Shane Warne declare his love for on talkback radio?

Malaysia Solution Invalid

G + C 4eva

Dig It

In a 6-1 decision, the High Court ruled last Wednesday against Labor’s Malaysia Solution, declaring the refugee policy invalid. It stressed that Malaysia did not have sufficient laws in place to protect the safety and human rights of asylum seekers. Malaysia is not yet a party to the Refugee Convention. Under the deal, Australia would have sent 800 refugees to Malaysia, and received 4,000 in return.

A scrapbook that belonged to ousted Libyan leader Gaddafi is said to contain dozens of pictures of former US Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice.

The scrapbook was discovered after rebels searched Gaddafi’s former Tripoli compound. This isn’t the first time Gaddafi has expressed his affection for Ms Rice; on previous occasions, he gave her a locket with his own picture in it and once called her his “darling African woman”.

Ned Kelly’s been dead for over 130 years, but it was only last Thursday that scientists were able to identify his remains. Kelly’s near-headless skeleton was discovered amongst many others in a mass grave in Victoria and exhumed in 2009. It took a DNA sample from the great grandson of Kelly’s sister to confirm that the bones were in fact those of the Kelly Gang leader.

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ANSWERS 1. Bob Katter 2. 251, 287 3. The Indian cricket team 4. Victoria 5. Elizabeth Hurley Correction: Scott Bolton is Woroni’s most eligible bachelor

Cha Ching!

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OPINION

Everything I ever learnt at uni

4

Relieving yourself in style is a matter of grave importance I.P. DALEY WRITER

On the cusp of an on-time departure at the end of my fifth year of university it had become apparent that I had gathered some pretty amazing education at my time at the ANU. It was only after toilets had come up in conversation for the third time in one week with the same group of friends, that someone suggested it was time to pass on some of my hard-learned Ladies Room tips for the betterment of the greener students at this university.

As someone who has a five star rating system for toilets when travelling overseas (one star for each of cleanliness, toilet paper, cost, special features & style), finding the optimal toilet on campus has become an alternative to the smoko. I apologise now to those who find this article female, law/languages or left-wing biased. I imagine the male toilets are relatively comparable and I really haven’t used enough of the Gentlemens to assert any level of expertise.

So you’re looking for a quiet spot to read a magazine? If you’re in the Union Court area it has to be the upstairs restrooms in the Union Building near Ticketek.

Literally ten stalls, barely known and almost never used. The décor, I admit, is dated – but a quieter spot in the heart of campus you’ll not find.

If you’re after high quality toilet paper both the Union Building and Gym have a softer ply than the university standard. However, it is prone to pre-emptive tearing.

For proper little rolls like Mum

bought at home – try the Hedley Bull Building. Nice architecture, nice toilets, nice non-staff only showers, nice toilet paper and a nice café (Gods HB) – essentially the perfect place for a university outing.

Two words on overused facilities. Just don’t. Are you ever really in that much of a hurry? If you’re about to burst a boiler and must use any of the following: ANY toilet in the Manning Clarke Centre, Chifley levels 2 and 3, the Law Library or Baldessin Precinct Building entry toilets – I recommend the hover, which has added benefit for your quads and gluts. If you find yourself in a danger high usage bathroom zone try these tips. Chifley level 4 – three times the number of toilets as level 1 and half the people. Baldessin – take the back stairs up to the next level. Law Library – take a quick sojourn from study with a brisk walk outside the library, turn left take the stairs up one flight, turn left, proceed along corridor to the toilets at the end – truly some of the most pleasant light filled toilets in the law school (note: contrary to popular belief these are not staff toilets). Manning Clarke – either the upstairs union described above or nip across to your friendly student politicians.

ANUSA has more toilets than full time staff.

Once upon a time, I was in a 24 hour computer lab, only to discover that the all-night place where you go to talk to a man about a horse was closed! I admit to experiencing a low level stress response – heart beat increasing, slightly sweaty palms, stomach butterflies. It was 10am, I’d been

there since 8am and drunk half a litre of water in that time. There was an essay due the next day, and I’d planned to be in the lab for the entire day. I took a deep breath and began a process of problem solving. The solution – which I’m sure in the toilets-openall-around-you-and-no-pressingneed-to-take-a-wizz light of your day is obvious – the Halls and Colleges. When in doubt, all Halls and Colleges have a place you can lose a few pounds in their publicaccess area, usually near reception, for staff and guests. So I toddled on over to UniHouse, enjoyed a walk past the gold fish pond and turned in to water the porcelain across from the great hall.

For an interesting experience, there are two powder rooms that come to mind. Second place would have to go to Gods café little girls’ room in the Drama building – where there is a selection of postcards on the back of the door substantive enough to satisfy the entertainment needs of the most stubborn kids who don’t want to be dropped off at the pool. First place would have to go to stalls in the same building, at Teatro Vivaldi’s: truly an artwork. Somewhat overused if there’s a play on in the evening, the exceptional décor makes this entirely forgivable. To access, enter the main foyer to the Drama Building, turn right and cross the courtyard. Just delightful!

So if you need go into session, do the paper work, number ones or two or (let’s just say it) push one out – be imaginative: the university offers a magnitude of experiences for you to explore.

Stay turned for the next installment.

Time. And to cap off a perfect system, only the people who really believed what they are saying would bother to dress up, cutting out much of the boring

and pointless filibustering which currently goes on.

I think I'm on to a winner. So, are you man enough to ruffle?

Politics and Skirt Ruffling LAURA HENNING WRITER

I'm a bit depressed right now by the fact that my 4 year old makes more sense than most of the politicians on TV. She doesn't revert to name calling and general sullenness when someone else is winning a debate. She never brings up potential court proceedings to win points. And she has never been to a carbon rally.

Why anyone goes into politics is beyond me. Is it the respect? Doubt it. All the time you get to spend in Canberra? It could actually be that, if they ever left the bunker we call Parliament House. I know it’s not the money. Any CEO of a

half-decent company earns at least four times what the PM does and backbenchers are practically being paid at intern rates. What to do?

At first I thought the solution was for the politicians to grow up - but as I said, my 4 year old is better behaved. So maybe the answer is to grow down: if they were more childlike they might be better able to resolve their differences. Although… my 4 year old does occasionally revert to violence and it wouldn’t be politically correct to want dead pollies clogging the gutters.

I’ve got a better idea: politicians should fight to the political death through skirt ruffling. You heard me, skirt ruffling. Like the women in West Side Story (‘America’).

They would each dress up in big multilayered skirts in different coloured silks (It has to be silk, you need some pomp and ceremony). Having donned the appropriate attire, they would sing impassioned pleas while dancing and ruffling their skirts at their opponent. Several rounds could take place until a winner is decided by popular acclaim.

This method of political debate has several advantages over the Westminster system. For one, it would give women an advantage - something we still need in this less than equal society. It would also cause ABC rating to rise as this would appeal to a much wider audience that Question

Twitter, people, and dangerous things

OPINION

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RIMA MURYANTINA WRITER

Back in 2009, bored with Facebook and tempted to try another foray into social networking, I found Twitter. At first, I only used it to reply to friends who mentioned me. But as time has gone by, I’ve realised that Twitter has revealed how dangerous the power of public opinion is, even where those opinions are confined to 140 characters.

From the terrorist attack in Norway to the London riots, the Queensland flood to Hurricane Irene, football results to the birthdays of Korean pop stars: the news spreads across the trending topics on Twitter. You can be more updated than the emergency television broadcasts, but the usual perils of the internet apply. Some opinions on Twitter are sensible, verifiable and reliable. Most of them aren’t.

After the Norway shootings, a Twitter user tried to create a sarcastic trending topic criticising the Western media she thought had rushed to judge Muslims for the tragedy. The sarcasm of #BlameTheMuslims went over like

a brick. After the original Tweeter was revealed, she was attacked by many despite explaining what had actually happened. Some people supported her; others still blamed her for provoking racism; others jumped in just for the chance to have a famous tweet.

Recently, when people started to play hashtag games called #ReplaceMovieNamesWithIrene, not everyone thought it was just a fun way to keep people strong as they faced the dangerous storm. Some couldn’t see how the imminent disaster could be taken lightly. And then again, some people just wanted to tweet.

The other dangerous thing about Twitter is the fact that it pushes us to take sides in complex and misinterpreted debates and news issues. However, I consider the Twitterland a way to understand humans and the world, as each player rarely escapes from their own subjective perceptive.

It’s like watching the Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon everyday, or rather, becoming the characters themselves. A movie called Life?

So you’re no longer at Australia’s top university But why do you care about rankings anyway?

VINCENT CHIANG CORRESPONDENT

Following the latest Academic Ranking of World Universities (AWRU) report, students university-wide have been shocked at the ANU’s loss of first place in Australia, at the hands of the University of Melbourne.

Hyperbole is flying everywhere: “the ANU is in decline!”, people will suggest, or “our education is no longer world-class!”. But is there actually a crisis? The key to this question lies in some research and just a little bit of critical thinking, not just in relation to the ARWU report, but also in relation to university rankings in general.

But first, to the issue immediately at hand. According to its website, the ARWU gives 20% of its weighting for any university’s given “value” as being based on the number of “staff of an institution winning Nobel Prizes and Fields Medals”.

Already, the rankings are suspect. After all, how much bearing does this actually have on a university’s quality, particularly when one or two exceptional individuals can make a tremendous difference?

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Additionally, 40% of the weighting is given to the number of papers published and indexed, whilst only 10% is given to “per capita academic performance of an institution”. Doesn’t this naturally disadvantage smaller universities (such as the ANU), which will naturally be producing less material, due to a smaller number of students and staff? The answer is an obvious yes.

Basically, the ARWU system seems a bit strange. Of course, why stop there?

The Times Higher Education (THE) rankings, which similarly states the ANU as being inferior to Melbourne, lists on its website its primary ranking “methodology” as a survey, asking academics as to which they thought were the strongest universities in their given field. Whilst more meaningful in some ways than the ARWU’s methodology (after all, we like to listen to what experts believe is good for us), it is undeniable that reputation is inherently subjective, bringing into question yet again the validity of this particular ranking system.

So then what? Supporters of the ANU will likely want to fall back on the QS World University Rankings, which not only lists the ANU as Australia’s best university,

but also includes the tangibly relevant criterion the “Faculty Student Ratio”.

Unfortunately, even the QS is flawed; like its counterparts, it values slightly dubious data, such as the “International Student Ratio”, and an “Academic Peer Review” which seems similar to the THE’s reputation-based assessment.

Perhaps then, we should all take a step back, and re-evaluate the actual value of tertiary rankings.

Students don’t just come to universities for prestige or high research output: they come for an education, and for an experience.

The ANU offers degree programs unique within Australia, a smaller, more intimate academic atmosphere, and an incredibly diverse range of opportunities, all of which contribute to its merit.

Yes, reputation is still significant, and one could even make a case for valuing Nobel Prize winners, but making factors such as these so prominent in forming university rankings seems unjustified. It is time that universities are perceived for something beyond irrelevant statistics; it is time to give the ANU kudos for what actually matters.

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FEATURE

7

Why pay for food... ...when you can forage for it!

WRITER

There comes a time in every student’s life when they face what is perhaps one of the most challenging times in their so far sheltered existence.

It is during this period that we truly see the inner strength of an individual. Ladies and gentlemen, I am of course talking about running out of money and subsequently running out of food.

It seems to me that the answer to this problem lies in the landscape around us. With so much free food growing and frolicking around us, perhaps it is time students learnt more about the natural bounty around them. For example, cacti and trees known for providing water and shade, also taste rather exquisite in a broth or clear soup, seasoned well with a little wild grass and bamboo shoots. All that is really required is a small axe and a pair of good sturdy gloves if you plan to handle the cactus.

‘Flower power’, not just a redundant phrase from the seventies, but a core component of any wild forager’s Bible. There are several rather tasty types of flora out there that would be great in a salad. Just a selection of these include: the yellow water lily, marsh marigolds and the lotus.

And if you get any odd looks for munching on a sunflower, clearly those are just posh kids who are never going to run out of Campbell’s soup.

I’d also advise you to totally ignore what you may have been taught about certain plants, or any prejudices you may hold.

Stinging nettles for example are vicious little so-and-so’s at the best of times, yet make excellent soup and have long been famed by travelling European gypsies for keeping one’s blood pure.

Furthermore, more often than not the things covered in spines and needles tend to be pretty good to eat. Just be careful how you get to that prickly pear for example.

I find you can’t go wrong with barbeque tongs.

And perhaps most important to the diet of any student, is fresh meat. Now ANU seems to have cultivated a rather special bond with some rather dopey animals.

If you can get a hold of a net I imagine you could catch a possum or two and a fair few ducks. I would advise, nonetheless, that you begin your meat foraging with a carefully planned attack upon the cockatoos. There is no real reason for this vendetta except that they are awake at an ungodly hour in the mornings and tend not to let anyone forget this.

So if you can whack one over the back of the head, you can then enjoy a delicious meal of braised cockatoo breast in a white wine and spinach sauce.

So with all that in mind, the final point for you foragers is that while free food is a good thing, one can never forget our manners.

So just a quick reminder about wild foraging etiquette.

1. All good foragers ask permission or, in any case, are just very sneaky. This is vitally important if the place in which the yummy stuff grows is private property or is guarded by a pitbull.

‘

MAN HAS NEEDS

With so much free food growing and frolicking around us, perhaps it is time students learnt more about the natural bounty around them.

‘

KAVYA KUMARESAN

Generally speaking, wandering into someone’s back garden is not the best idea, however night time raids have proved surprising successful. Just look out for dogs... and possums.

2.

Don’t take all the stuff that’s there. This is essential to remember if you want to establish a longstanding relationship with your foraging territory. If you end up munching all the wild edible goodies a place has to offer, those goodies aren’t going to grow there anymore. So remember, be greedy, but not too greedy.

3.

Learn how to run fast... and hide well. Just in case.

NATURE PROVIDES

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FEATURE

8

Sweet life The Danish recipe for happiness

ALISON TANDY WRITER

Denmark currently tops the Gallup list of the World’s Happiest Countries, a phenomenon that can’t simply be ascribed to the legacy of the Danish welfare state. What then makes the Danes so damn happy? A recent student exchange at the University of Copenhagen has given me what I believe to be a partial answer: It is “hygge” that breathes life into the Danish soul. The first rule of hygge is: you do not talk about hygge. Hygge should not be pinned down and restricted by the inexactitude of language. To do so would be to obliterate and dispel its very essence. No, hygge is an experience. I suspect that it is this intrinsic ethereality of hygge that has allowed it to be held privy by generations of Danes.

Luckily (though also to my great dismay), I am not a Dane, and, therefore, am not bound to regard this cultural phenomenon with unspoken appreciation. Instead, I will shout it from the rooftops! … Metaphorically speaking. To me, hygge is the warm feeling of hosting a dinner with family on a cold winter’s night. It is the comfort of drinking tea in the dim candlelight of a café outfitted with retro wallpaper and an array of mismatched armchairs, or of the stacks of folded woollen blankets awaiting you as you enter a library to study. It is as spontaneous as skipping class to sprawl in the sunshine on the first +15ºC day of spring. It is the satisfaction of sitting on your college room floor with five good friends, eating a home-baked carrot cake and it is the joy of spending a long

summer evening in the park; riding your second-hand bicycle, grilling sausages and lazily sipping apple cider. Simply put, Danes relish friendly company, tealight candles, knitted jumpers, cafes that could just as well be someone’s living room, sunshine, flowers, and an abundance of good food and drink. Applied generously, such things can make even the most commonplace situations hyggelig. And it’s this kind of passion that our dear city Canberra could learn from. We live in the only major Australian city with winter conditions that remotely resemble the notoriously harsh Scandinavian winter and these are devastating to Canberra’s already flimsy cultural landscape.

But where Canberra spews its cultural guts before fasting until spring brings us Floriade,

Copenhagen thrives despite the cold and darkness. What, then, causes the difference? It would be easy to blame Canberra’s failings on the persistent drone of the Public Service and the lack of trendy, hole-in-the-wall cafes, but it’s simply not fair to do so. What lies at the heart of the matter is probably that the spaciousness that Walter Burley Griffin envisioned for Canberra ultimately fragments its wider sense of community, as well as family life. Take me, for instance - I have probably only ever exchanged a “hello” with the family living next door to me once (and can’t count the number of years they’ve lived there). I go to the city and back by car (never by bus) and live in a house sizeable enough that I could quite easily get away with

evading my family (even at meal times) until I finish my degree and move out. My society teaches me that to have this space is a privilege. So why does it cause me concern? The Danes do not face this problem; they live in each other’s pockets, and living with them has taught me that they have what, deep down, I REALLY WANT. I thirst to connect with and make familiar the space and the people of this city which I call my own. Yet even more than that, I want to douse this connection in the warm fuzziness that results from living and loving well. The Danes embrace hygge, make it their own, bring it into their homes and let it live out in the streets. If Canberrans did the same, just maybe we could make Canberra a more desirable place to live.

FEATURE

9

GEOFF LEMON

Woroni chats with the wordsmith behind Heathen Scripture LISA VISENTIN FEATURES SUBEDITOR

How did you first get involved in the writing game?

I actually started out writing poetry, believe it or not. Even that I didn’t get into until I was in my 20s. In my last year of uni I started getting interested in writing and reading at open mics and doing performances. From that I started writing stuff that was trying to entertain people – there’s all these poets out there writing boring, shitty poetry and I felt like it could be much more entertaining and it could be the kind of thing that could have jokes in it. People could enjoy it! So I started writing with the intent to entertain people and I guess the same sort of idea has spilled over into the political writing I do now.

Your blog, the Heathen Scripture, has an overwhelming political focus. You’ve tackled the topics of gay marriage, religion in public schools and the carbon tax. Just how popular has your blog become in recent months?

The carbon tax article was the turning point. Before that it was a pretty modest readership. The carbon tax piece got 250,000 hits in 3 days – so that’s what you might call a spike on the graph!

Since then all my subsequent work has been getting a lot more traffic coming through. It actually wasn’t a political blog and I still don’t think of it as being a political blog. I started it less than 2 years ago as a travel blog – writing about things that happened in Argentina. I tend to drink a lot and have a pretty terrible memory so when I went to Argentina I thought that I’d have to record it all somehow

or all these interesting things that happened would disappear. I read some other travel blogs that were so fucking excruciatingly dull, where you have some boring middle age couple, and I thought, “I can write something more entertaining than that”.

When I came home from Argentina, I kept writing whatever was on my mind for that particular day. The way I think about Heathen Scripture is that it’s the blog version of what I would be talking about if me and a friend sat down with a couple of drinks at the end of the day. So it could be a bunch of hilarious dick jokes that I thought the world needed to know…or it could be my frank and unequivocal thoughts on carbon taxation…or anywhere in between.

Your carbon tax article has been shared on facebook by 20,000 people. That’s an incredible number. What kind of feedback have you had from that piece?

It definitely hasn’t been all positive…but yes, I have had a lot of really positive feedback.

That piece had amazing volumes of feedback. It had over 1500 comments. The average article that has 10,000 views might get 100 comments so it got an extraordinary amount of discussion and debate going – the comment thread on the article has about 4 miles of ‘scroll down’. A lot of this was positive based on the fact that I was saying things in a really straightforward way, which apparently is a rare commodity.

Right, that’s exactly the focus of my next question. Do you think the popularity of your blog is due to the fact that it articulates a progressive, no-nonsense and critical perspective, in a climate where Australian media seems be

recycling and echoing the same homogenous voice throughout its major publications?

Absolutely. The voices you have at the moment are journalists who are too afraid to say anything that could be construed as tending towards one side or the other.

Then you have a whole slue of right-wing journalists…well columnists, because they are not actually journalists because they don’t have to have evidences or sources, they are just having an “opinion”. They are, of course, the ones that complain all the time about left-wing media bias. I really resent this ‘right-wing, leftwing’ bullshit. Apparently if you think Tony Abbot is a fuckwit that means that you’re officially left wing. I don’t see why you can’t be anywhere you want on the political spectrum and still think Tony Abbott is a fuckwit simply because Tony Abbott is a fuckwit.

Categorically. You could be Robert Menzies and probably still think Tony Abbot is a fuckwit. I don’t think of myself as left wing – although I’ve been called it a lot in the last few weeks based on the things I’ve written.

Do you think this speaks about the importance of a blog as this emerging medium itself? That given that current media doesn’t seem to be tackling this issues head on, or is taking a very tame approach, Australians are turning to blogs, seeking a more fearless, no-bullshit assessment of current policy rather sensationalistic headlines and editorials aimed at moving papers?

Yes, I think that’s the case. The newspaper business gets distracted trying to hook readers in with the most trashy and irrelevant thing it can think of. I think the reason why there was such a big

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response to the carbon tax piece in the beginning was that I wasn’t constrained by having to stay within the bounds of good taste of any major publication.

In your other pieces and, much to the pleasure of many, you’ve torn shreds of brutal eloquence off the likes of Bob Katter, Barnaby Joyce, Miranda Devine, Andrew Bolt and Jim Wallace with respect to their conservative, and specifically anti-gay rights, views…have you had any responses from any of these people in relation to your writings?

The inside word I’ve had is that Andrew Bolt wasn’t greatly impressed by my piece and interestingly he described it as a smear campaign, which is funny because I was very clearly addressing the points he had made and not his character. Apparently dissecting his points and finding out he was talking shit amounted to a smear campaign. I can’t say I’ve had any personal correspondence from Barney Joyce or the lovely Miranda but I can only hope. As for Bob Katter, I think he would be hilarious to get wasted with.

Are papers constraining their own journalists or is it the journalists themselves who we ought to feel disappointed in – are they failing us in their representation of what’s happening in Australian politics?

I think a lot of journos tend to self-censor before they get told to censor. And then that carries through each level. Their immediate editor will be more inclined to censor things that perhaps their superiors wouldn’t and then the section editor will be more inclined to be cautious again. Each level of command

keeps being more and more cautious with what it’s prepared to put out and that contributes to the generally bland nature of the reporting you get. If the people at the bottom of the chain were prepared to be a bit more daring then they’d probably get a lot more through than they might think.

You’ve been known to drop the occasional c-bomb in your articles and generally aren’t adverse to profanity or confronting sexual analogies…is there ever a line which can’t be crossed?

I use profanities because I find them entertaining and I think they’re an interesting part of language. A well-used profanity, used in an interesting and original way is yet another part of language I enjoy. The conversational tone is what I think people enjoy about Heathen Scripture. Lets strip away the corporate crap coming out of the media release and tell it how it is. As for a line – I’m cautious not to promote hatred or racism or anything like that. But for the most part, I know I’m using it with the right intention.

But you’re still welcome to be offended.

Hate mail: do you get much?

I got a lot of angry mail in response to the carbon tax piece.

Being accused of defending the Labor Party is pretty much the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me. No, the best one I had was a guy who told me I should be raped and strangled.

Check out Heathen Scripture at heathenscripture.wordpress.com.

The full podcast of this interview is available at www.woroni.com. au.

CULTURE

POETRY

Lords of Clamour All at once they are the lords The avant-garde; the thumping They would have you stay, or With a trail-blaze as wispy as

of clamour, guttersnipes. leave. No matter, the hype.

They line in numbers great, and in their stride, They lead you to the man, his stamp, the stairs.

And none will tend you once you are inside, A tendency disbanded by their cares.

All in one, these are our kings of racket, Hazy figures loom in tight-knit loops And laugh down on the drunkard girl, who stacked it On the ground, in Beer and Cruiser soup.

While folded ink-armed men with back to wall Each choose their nightly prey - (it could be you) Sight back, sneers down their nose; they feel so tall.

Fists sheathed until there’s someone to run through.

And then there are the glitter-girls dressed tightly, Tressed, frosted faces, caked, smeared blood red lips Convincing eager boys, who can’t stand rightly, That beauty is tonight between their hips.

Illustration by Stuart Owen

Stuart Owen, Woroni’s poet laureate, gets his rhyme on...

Long locked lads with baggy shirts and skinnys, Who hate guitar - but look like Jimmy Page.

A conversation exudes in sweat and spiting ‘Please watch me dance: my look is all my rage.’ *** The scene is laid and quakes a hapless dream, And though it shines, from years dug deep for gold.

You are a frayed and tattering at the seams, Fed to the dog that shivers hungry cold.

Press your ears upon the silent darkening, The weeknights, where the crowd rests like a dormant beast, In through pane of window – Tugged clanking chains and barking, The old shivering dog rattling the cage of sleep.

Gnashing till the night you’re deemed unworthy, The night your hand’s too battered to be stamped.

The empty crested jackets have hands burly, To toss you to those jaws that dogged; that clamp.

Remember the heat of masses matching rhythm In crowded rooms, conditioned to the pits, Is reverbed on – (is this so new a system?)

The music never mattered, not one bit.

The Butterfly

The butterfly, he flaps and falls As softly as the breeze, The first to heed the Sun’s bright call And dancing of the leaves.

As all awakens from the still Of winter’s hollow nights; Now watered clouds amongst the ground Unfolding petals fill their sight.

The Sun returns, the Earth upturned And blue washed down the sky.

I know that life shall breathe again; I’ve seen the butterfly.

Interested in helping set up an ANU Radio Station?

Shoot us an email at woroni@anu.edu.au to find out more...

10

CULTURE

11

WHAT’S ON FREE Ruby Rose + Wax Motif @ Trinity Bar Trinity Bar, Dickson Free entry before 10pm, 10 September

ART

2011 Ranamok Glass Prize Exhibition The exhibition and prize attracts a strong interest internationally and is a pivotal event on the Australian visual arts and craft calendar. The standard of this year’s works has been judged to be extremely high and several of the finalists hail from Canberra and surrounds.

Canberra Glassworks until 22nd September Free Entry Beyond the Self: Contemporary Portraiture from Asia Discover the representation of the self in current South and Southeast Asian art practice through the work of artists from India, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philippines and Thailand. This exhibition explores the possibilities of portraiture. See painting, photography, sculpture, drawing and media works.

National Portrait Gallery until 6th November

MUSIC Alexina Hawkins and Justin Bullock at Smiths This duo of viola and double bass will be playing pieces by JS Bach, R Glière, F Keyper, Austin Buckett, Samuel Smith and Reuben Lewis.

Smiths Alternative Bookshop 7.30 for 8PM, 8th September

Canberra Record Fair A spectacular place for all music enthusiasts to expand their knowledge and their personal collections. It doesn’t matter if you are in search for classic vinyl or last year’s CD, the collection and choices are unparalleled. And this year you’ll find the added double shot of wicked tracks with The Vinyl Junkie and John from Revolve Records as they join forces to offer Canberra Heads an amazing selection of pure vinyl heaven.

Tradies Club, Dickson Place, Dickson 9AM-5PM, 10th and 11th September

www.woroni.com.au

THEATRE Short + Sweet Murder, intrigue, sex and laughter, and that’s just in 10 minutes! Short+Sweet is a selection of plays from local, national and international writers over a massive two weeks of theatre. The festival is set to amaze and delight you with a top 20 that involve well known (and less well known) Canberra actors and directors impressing you with their talents and chutzpah as they vie for the best little play in Canberra for 2011.

The Courtyard Studio, Canberra Theatre Centre 8PM, Wednesdays to Saturdays, 31/08/11 – 10/09/11 Adult: $25, Concession: $20 Often I Find That I’m Naked @ Street Theatre Jezebel, is career-focused and ‘unlucky-in-love’ and has tried almost anything in her endless quest for love. Sex and the City meets Bridget Jones’ Diary in this madcap cabaret that takes a hilariously honest look at the ups and downs of single life.

The Street Theatre 8.30PM, 9th-10th September Tickets from $22

BOOKS

Book Launch “Fall on Me” Join Robyn Archer for the launch of a new novella by local author Nigel Featherstone.

Electric Shadows Bookshop, Braddon 5.30 for 6PM, 15th September

CULTURE

Chowing down in China CRISTINA SANDERSON WRITER

While people in the north of China prefer to eat noodles and bread-like foods, by the time you’ve crossed the Yangtze everyone loves rice the best, and will feel ‘slightly uncomfortable’ if they don’t get it down three times a day. Recognising this fact- that students and teachers need to eat food three times a day - Chinese universities ingeniously devote several square metres of campus land to ‘Feeding Areas’, which are basically large rooms called ‘food halls’or ‘canteens’. Unfortunately, this fact is yet to be recognised in any serious way by Australian universities, who evidently believe only students who live in campus colleges need to eat food. Fulltime students who like eating food don’t deserve the annoyance of labouring part time jobs to afford housing, even less so to support a daily lunch habit. They should not waste time scampering around the city searching for something good to eat. It would be much more convenient if a no-name, affordable and nutritious food supply were easily accessible on campus. My opinion boils down to this: given the chance, although the ANU could teach Chinese universities how to teach better, Chinese universities could teach ANU how to feed better.

Canteen (“food hall”), is one of the few English words adapted from Chinese. If you’ve ever been in one you’ll understand why there’s nothing quite like them in the English-speaking world. The one near my dormitory is like this: two bustling, steamy, communal floors, holding tens of orangeclad, no-fuss, skilled cooks, tiny plastic chairs and tables, wooden chop sticks, spoons and tinny aluminium food trays. It opens three times a day (I struggle to get there by dinner, which starts at 4.45PM) for a strict time period.

Few need more than about 20 minutes to get in, eat, dunk a tray, maybe grab a yoghurt, get out. If you’re too slow, they’ll be sloshing water all about ready for the mopping, whether you’re there or not; i.e., it won’t bother them to go around your legs, or your soup for that matter, so don’t hang around if easily offended.

First, make sure you have money loaded on your student card. Then make your way to the counters.

Sort of line up, sort of push to the front. Next, don’t worry if you can’t name all the dishes in Chinese, just use your forefinger to point to whichever you’d like, as everybody else does. When the cook taps the rectangle of food you’re after, mouth out “AHH, AHH” and nod your head a bit.

Food choices, ground floor 31st August: rice congee (nutritious, good for skin, 67 times cheaper

than a Sub/Zamb), breads (salted or sweetened - all flavoured in some way), seaweed or tomato/ egg clear soup - free of charge, oily fried or steamed vegetables and meats (high energy, vitamin, protein content), perfectly cooked rice (feed your addiction for less than 5c), egg fried rice, baozi, fried pork or vegetable dumplings, steamed dumplings, corn dumplings, fried ‘best under heaven’ noodles, roast duck noodle soup, ice cream, half a watermelon (40c), coke, yoghurt, beer, freshly blended warm soya bean drink, etc, etc. And no packaging.

Students and staff enjoy a balanced and tasty diet for a price relatively fair to the raw cost of food here. The set time lets you meet your friends easily and structures a chat into your day, between or during mouthfuls. No need to text your friends to check they’re free at the same time for lunch, just see you at the canteen.

This year the writer is studying at Southeast University in Nanjing.

She has been on summer holidays for something like three months.

Now she’s back in Nanjing and nobody (teachers included) knows when classes start. They must be starting soon though because the canteen has finally re-opened, and has refilled with students, teachers, admin staff and their related children, often riding little bikes to make paths through the hungry crowds.

INTERESTED IN WRITING? WE WANT YOU CONTACT US AT WORONI@ANU.EDU.AU

12

CULTURE

Discovering the Pacific NICOLAS HALTER WRITER I thought I knew the basics about the Pacific Islands before I came to the ANU. My best friend is Fijian, I’ve visited a couple of islands, I’ve drunk the kava, I’ve watched movies about the Pacific War, and most importantly I have felt the impact of a 100kg Tongan forward in a rugby game.

Despite surviving that very painful rugby game, I felt more wounded walking out of the Coombs building after a meeting with my supervisor with the realisation that I knew very little at all about the Pacific.

It is surprising that Australians know so little about our Pacific neighbours when you consider it was quite the opposite in the 1900s. The wheels of federation were in motion, the French and Germans were grabbing what territories they could in the Pacific, and Australians fiercely debated regional security and considered the merits of a new

O Father, who art in Madrid ZID MANCENIDO OUTREACH SUBEDITOR

At two million attendees, more people went to World Youth Day two weeks ago in Madrid than the 2004 Athens Olympics. Over one million alone attended the main celebration: a mass at Madrid’s Cuatro Vientos Airport, which was the closest public space to the city centre (at 12.4km away) that could accommodate such a crowd.

At that mass, Pope Benedict XVI proclaimed: “For our part, we have come to know the immensity of [God’s] love and we want to respond generously to his love by sharing with others the joy we have received.”

Before, I continue, because perhaps you are wondering. Yes, I am the token Catholic in the Woroni office. No, this isn’t an attempt to indoctrinate you, convert you, or sexually harass your children. It’s about how reading over the speeches of the 265th Pope, Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger, is like reading some of the most colourful, passionate, and charismatic speeches of this decade. Too bad listening to them is like being droned to death by a raspy old Kraut who evokes bad memories of WW2 propaganda that you never listened to in Year 10 history.

His speech marking the beautification of the last Pope, John Paul II (half way to sainthood!) began with: “Our grief at his loss was deep, but even greater was our sense of an immense grace which embraced Rome and the whole world… Even then we perceived the fragrance of his sanctity…” Such imagery, such magnanimity, such synaesthesia!

Perhaps this isn’t just a Pope thing - in his recent speech on the London Riots to the House of Lords, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams argued: “Communities deserve the best, and above all, let me repeat it My Lords, young people deserve the best.” Rhetoric deserving furious belief, passion and mighty spirit - unfortunately delivered calmly and softly, more like a bedtime story than a call to passion.

And in a recent drone following a visit to Kenya, he murmured and disengaged the imagistic, impassioned, and stirring statement: “Faith is not just ideas in your head, faith is not just feelings in your heart – faith is the whole of a new life, making a difference to your lives, to your neighbours, to your community, by the grace and the Spirit of God.” You may not believe them, you may not even be able to hear them, or identify what they’re saying, but God damn, their speechwriters can write.

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Australian imperialism. It was a time of intense interaction with the Pacific, as improvements in transportation and the growth of trade and business, Christianity, and colonial administration carried hundreds of people around the Oceanic region.

So with this in mind, I ask you to consider the following Pacific trivia and see how much you know about your island neighbours. Can you identify the Federated States of Micronesia on a map? Did you know that phosphate was discovered on Nauru in 1900, and this phosphate was a multi-million dollar export that formed the basis of Australian agricultural growth? (phosphate is used as fertiliser.)

Or that tens of thousands of Islanders were recruited to work on Queensland sugar plantations from the 1860s? Or that the freestyle stroke was introduced to Australia by a Solomon Islander?

For those who are feeling a little lost now, let’s try more current Pacific news. Most people have an idea about the military coup in Fiji. But do you know how many coups there have been in Fiji? Or the current military leader’s name?

13

Did you know that Papua New Guinea changed its leader this month? Or that Samoa decided to change time zones, making it the first country, rather than the last, to celebrate the New Year? Or that Japan won the rugby union Pacific Nations Cup? Did you know the US lost an unmanned aircraft that travels at twenty times the speed of sound on its way to the Marshall Islands last week?

Whilst the Pacific Islands may seem small and insignificant on a global map, their histories are closely intertwined with our own. Islanders are an important part of Australian society, and their cultures are a great deal more complex than what we see in tourism advertising. If you haven’t met a Pacific Islander yet, I expect you will meet one in a pub or club when the rugby world cup starts. To prepare for this encounter, I recommend the Pacific Islands Report as a quick and easy way to brush up on current Pacific news (http:// pidp.eastwestcenter.org/pireport/ graphics.shtml). You never know what you will learn.

CULTURE

Three’s company...

Rosie Bollard on the art of third-wheeling

ROSIE BOLLARD WRITER

For a long time the position of third wheel (3W), that is, hanging out with a couple plus one, has been unfairly associated with awkwardness and a lack of personal awareness.

While bromance and open relationships have been applauded, 3Ws have never held an elevated social position. They have been viewed as individuals who not only cannot sustain their own relationships but have no other friends to fall back on when their BFF finds a BF/ GF. However, this is a narrow and naive perspective held by those successful in love.

Over the past year, I have perfected the art of third wheeling – now I understand its role as a useful life skill and, more importantly, the benefits for all

parties. On exchange I was a long-term 3W-er to a fellow Australian couple who lived in an apartment tiny enough to end relationships. I also went on a trip to Morocco with my BFF and her BF where I slept snugly in the child cot and learnt the finer points of 3-person 500.

Finally, I have spent a lot of time 3W-ing with a couple who have been together since age 17 and are still going strong.

Starting with the benefits to the 3W, it’s straightforward, you get a 2 for 1 deal. You have a great friend, they choose a great significant other, you get double the fun and friendship. This works on the proviso that your friend isn’t attracted to emotional basket cases or arrogant slugs.

If you’re the 3W in desperate situations (travelling, exchanging), you’re likely to be a welcome

diversion from their prolonged periods of one on one time. As the diversion, everything you say and do is entertaining, interesting and exciting, even if you’re dull as No Frills water crackers and the highlight of your year is completing your tax return.

As for the couple, they win big time. 3Ws can be employed effectively to diffuse ongoing tensions. If your partner wants to do a 6 month trip around Europe, I suggest booking in 3W friends at every port. They are a breath of fresh air and if they’re not, at least you’re reminded of how great your partner is.

Being able to have a 3W is also a sign of a strong relationship, as it shows that both partners can interact on a friendship level in the company of a third person.

I am happy to report that all the couples I’ve 3W-ed with have had

very solid relationships.

However, all expert 3Ws have two key characteristics. First, they are not capable of sustaining their own relationships, which means they have time to be a 3W. Second, neither party in the couple considers them a threat.

After all, no woman is going to embrace Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansson as a 3W on a beach holiday. That you are not a threat is the greatest combined compliment and insult, compliment because they don’t see you as out to poach partners and insult because your potential to be a partner is beyond all realms of possibility.

In short, 3W-ing doesn’t deserve its bad reputation as it offers a somewhat unusual scenario in which everybody wins. So get out there, book a table for 3, or better still flights for 3, and be the 3W or embrace the 3W.

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CULTURE

15

There will be blood LIAM DEMAMIEL WRITER

Last week I received a call from a friend.

“Church of Misery are playing in Canberra!” he yelled.

“Who are Church of Misery?” I responded. The phone went silent for a few seconds and then out came the gushing of an ardent fan boy. I tuned out before realising I was late for class.

“Yes, I will go with you,” I promised.

He squealed like an excited schoolgirl.

I thought it would probably be a good idea to see what I had got myself into. A quick glance at Wikipedia told me that “Church of Misery’s style melds early-era Black Sabbath-style doom with

psychedelic rock”. In the past I have listened to plenty of bands who have smoked too much weed and worn out numerous copies of the first four Sabbath albums, and have honestly enjoyed them.

I downloaded the band’s album Master of Brutality and settled in for some good old stoner doom.

Things were looking up.

The first oddity I noticed was the album artwork. The face on the cover looked eerily familiar.

Gloomy, slightly deranged…isn’t that John Wayne Gacy? I looked at the song names; “Killfornia (Ed Kemper)”, “Ripping into Pieces (Peter Sutcliffe)”, “Megalomania (Herbert Mullin)” and an eleven minute title track “Master of Brutality (John Wayne Gacy)”.

Hmm. Had I missed something?

Had I downloaded the wrong thing? I turned back to Wikipedia,

which confirmed for me that “most songs by Church of Misery are about serial killers and mass murderers”.

Curiosity got the better of me and I listened. It was a little scary.

News reports and police interview snippets are mashed together with over the top Sabbath Volume 4-esque riffs. One track features audio of the killer recounting how he talked to the severed heads of his victims while a fuzzed out guitar churns a doomy riff. The lyrics are brutal and leave little room for imagination (“Down the road to Northern California / it’s for vengeance / female hitchhiker is my prey / bloodstains on backseat / dead bodies in my trunk”). At points it feels like a murder trial cabaret. I know metal often prides itself on being extreme, brutal and dark. But seriously, serial killer

theme songs? What kind of crowd is going to be at this gig? I was both confused and intrigued.

A couple of days passed and I couldn’t shake what I had listened to; it was like nothing I had ever musically experienced before. I decided to give it another spin, this time in the comfort of broad daylight. Perhaps worryingly, I enjoyed it. When you put the extremity to one side and feel the music, it just works. The brutality of the riffing complements the brutality of the subject matter, almost bringing out the inherent violence of what these murderers are recounting, as if what they are recounting is not violent enough.

In a time where gruesome murder stories are reported regularly, what Church of Misery are doing is almost a slap in the face; a wakeup call against the desensitised state

we are in. Their music is not cheap or macabre or playing on the misery of the victims, it is thought-provoking art in its truest sense.

I called my friend back, still trying to make sense of it all. I told him that I’d go with him to experience the joy of Church of Misery. He was in a bad mood.

“They cancelled their tour,” he said.

TRAVEL FOR TIGHT ARSES City and daily budget: Seoul, South Korea ($60 – $90)

SEOU

L

YASMIN MASRI

STAY

EXPLORE

The Hongdae area, where local students and backpackers congregate and the best nightlife in the city can be found. Try Ann Guesthouse or Bong House

The Demilitarised Zone.

Just outside Seoul and well worth the 40,000 won for a half day trip.

WRITER

Get around:

EAT

Think cooking your own (normally all-you-caneat) meal at your table for between 8,000 – 15,000 won. For the more adventurous, street food is another cheap option. Note that it is pretty hard to eat vegetarian in Korea.

Walk. If it’s too far your options are the subway (clean and easy to navigate) or a taxi (which can often work out cheaper if there are a few of you). Beware the black taxis that charge double normal rates for providing “more experienced drivers”.

DON’T Go in the wet season unless you really, really like rain.

DRINK

When in Seoul, drink like a Korean. Soju is the beverage of choice at 1,500 won from a 7/11 or around 3,000 won in a bar. Don’t be fooled - although it comes in beer bottles, soju is much closer to a spirit. Also try Makkeolli, a milky rice wine. A night out is not complete without a trip to a “noraebang“ or kara-

VISIT

Insadong: with countless galleries and traditional tearooms, it’s the cultural centre of Seoul.

Myeongdong: the main CBD area packed with local and international shops at student friendly prices.

Dongdaemun market: so huge that you need a few days to see it all.

oke room.

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CULTURE

DO YOU LOVE TO READ? ARE YOU FUNCTIONALLY LITERATE?

16

Woroni Book Club Come along to the first meeting of the Woroni Book Club!

When? Thursday 8th September Where? ANU Bar We will be discussing our meeting time and reading list.

More info? Email us at woroni@anu.edu.au.

CULTURE

Movies Of The Fortnight Trivia To win two free double passes to any film showing at Dendy Cinemas Canberra send in your answers to woroni@anu.edu. au and the person with the most correct answers will win.

1. Chris Lowell, who plays Stuart in the The Help, is best known for his work on which TV show?

2. Friends With Benefits makes reference to which character from which previous Will Gluck film?

3. True or false: Jennifer Aniston wore a wig for her role in Horrible Bosses?

4. One of the central protagonists in One Day is named Dexter. Which other film has Woroni reviewed this year that also had a character named Dexter?

5. D o c u m e n t a r y Senna won an audience award at Sundance. True or false?

6. Ed Westwick, of Gossip Girl fame, stars in which new release film?

7. Name the authors of the novels One Day and The Help, which the respective films are based on.

8. Which Brooklyn based band contributed an original song to the soundtrack of Win Win? 9. True or false: talk is underway for a sequel to Horrible Bosses?

Winn er

!

Cowboys and Horrible Bosses Aliens

Friends With Benefits AMY GRANT

SAM BRAZIER-HOLLINS

SCOTT BOLTON

WRITER

WRITER

EDITOR

Oh Justin Timberlake. When will you release a new album? That said, Timberlake’s acting abilities are quite impressive in the new Will Gluck film, Friends With Benefits.

Timberlake plays Dylan, an art director headhunted from LA to work for GQ in New York. Mila Kunis plays Jamie, the headhunter who entices him out to the east coast, and whose Christmas bonus depends on Dylan staying at GQ for at least a year.

After being simultaneously dumped, the two hit it off, and agreed to become “friends with benefits” – that is, have sex with no strings attached. What ensues is a rather predictable but funny romp.

Fans of Will Gluck, or indeed Emma Stone (who appears as the dumper of JT in the opening scenes) will notice many similarities and references to Easy A, Gluck’s last film. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, for Friends With Benefits uses the same kind of humour as Easy A, and follows the same generic pattern. Gluck attempts to go deeper with this one, exploring themes such as family and ageing, and for the most part, pulls it off. Mila Kunis is every guy’s fantasy, and the support cast is fantastic, including Jenna Elfman, Patricia Clarkson and Woody Harrelson. The film is easy to watch and roll along with, and Timberlake and Kunis definitely have chemistry. At the very least, you’ll walk out with no doubts about who sings the film’s theme song, “Closing Time”.

In a year of comic book adaptations and Hollywood sequels, Cowboys and Aliens offers something truly different; a proper good old-fashioned Western, but with aliens.

Before you start to wonder how it could possibly compete with the bigger releases this year take a moment to consider the names behind it. Directed by Iron Man’s Jon Favreau and staring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford along with Olivia Wilde, it has the potential to be noticed. The plot is as you might expect for the genre; guy wakes up in the desert, steals a horse and rides into town only to end up in a bar fight owing to the fact he’s the most wanted criminal in the land. No surprises there, that is until the aliens show up and his weird metal wristband starts to glow. From then on its pretty much what you might imagine, there’s even Indians – sorry, Native Americans – just to reinforce that it really is a proper Western. For a British actor playing an old school American cowboy Daniel Craig really does perform, with the occasional breakdown in accent totally forgivable. Harrison Ford is definitely starting to look a little grey but he really does play the part well too.

Overall, solid plot and good acting, it might be a little long but that’s just what Westerns are. Well worth a look when you have an evening to spare. And yes I know it was once a graphics novel, but it still feels like the most original film I’ve seen this year.

10. Along with Friends with Benefits, Patricia Clarkson has a role in another film Woroni has reviewed in this edition. Name the film.

It is very rare these days for a film to finish and the audience applause. But that is exactly what happened when I saw Horrible Bosses.

Directed by Seth Gordon, the film has a simple plot. Nick (Jason Bateman), Dale (Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) are three best friends who are sick and tired of taking abuse from respective bosses.

After a night at the pub the friends decide that if they killed their bosses all their problems would go away. With the help of their “Murder Consultant”, played by Jamie Foxx, the boys hatch a plan that would get rid of their bosses and leave them in the clear.

This film is brilliant.

Gordon draws the audience in beautifully by creating an immediate sense of empathy for the three best friends and hatred towards the bosses. Bateman, Day and Sudeikis are each brilliant and the banter between them makes their friendship seem natural. Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston and Colin Farrell are amazing in their roles as the evil bosses, so much so that you can’t help but love to hate them.

It is nice to see a film that mixes the easy sex-based humour, with smarter wittier humour; particularly rare in a Hollywood comedy. One minute you will be laughing your head off at some grotesque sequence, the next you will be giggling at cleaver reference or joke that Gordon has slipped in.

The film is not politically correct; it is raw, dark and because of this, for me it is the funniest film of the year.

LAST WEEK’S TRIVIA ANSWERS Congratulations to last week’s winners. Head to the Woroni office to get your double pass to Dendy.

Answers: 1) 2 2) Dario Marianelli 3)Semisonic 4) Scott Mitchell Rosenburg 5) 375, 000 6) The Green Lantern 7) False 8) Easy A 9) Geoffery Rush and Hugo Weaving 10) Judi Dench

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17

SPORT

18

Interhall Premiership Quarter AIZAZ SYED

in the Road Relay?

Is Bruce the new Ursies?

Are Toad going to get 20 points in the sports shield?

These are all questions I look forward to being answered in the coming term.

Aizaz is ISO Publicity Officer

WRITER

As another fierce term of interhall sports draws to a close, the results of the sports shield are still in contention. At present, John XXIII has a very healthy lead on Burton and Garran, with Burgmann and Ursies hot on their trail. Fenner and Unilodge are in a tight battle for 5th and 6th with Bruce still in striking distance. Toad is, well …battling.

This term’s sports saw some ferocious rivalries surface. Girls sport became more aggressive, men were concussed, limbs were broken and friendships rattled. Yet Johns continues to dominate the results.

Johns featured in the AFL grandfinal, won netball and have cemented a position in the men’s soccer grandfinal.

Johns even managed to bolster their sports rep team with the addition of a first year, George “Casanova” Mackarness, rumoured to be quite a hit with ladies all across campus. After some forensic Facebook investigating, however, this writer discovered he was in fact just a big bloke with a cheery smile who likes to party.

B&G have given them some strong competition through finishing 2nd in netball and securing a spot

Interhall Sports Shield John XXIII - 142 (but still in Boys Soccer - will finish either on 158 or 154 points) B&G - 116 (still playing Boys and Girls Soccer - will either finish on 138, 136, 134, 132) Burgmann - 126

in the girls soccer final. Griffin also showed promising results this term after advancing through the later stages of netball and guys soccer. Burgmann, who were tipped to have a strong term, have somewhat disappointed, but have succeeded in knocking Johns domination of the AFL competition out of the park.

Burgmann’s AFL team rallied to beat Johns two weekends in a row, to win a trophy that they

haven’t won for 21 years. A feat which was quite enjoyable for one Murray Robertson, who exclaimed: “this is the happiest day of my life”. It makes this writer think that if this is possible, who knows what will happen in the Cricket?

Collegians next term have several competitions to look forward to such as Swimming, Cricket, Road Relay, Touch and Volleyball.

Swimming will be making a

Photo courtesy of Wayne Tsai return to the interhall sports shield after being voted out of last year’s competition. Spectators will not only have men and women in swimwear to look forward to, but also a wide variety of novelty events which are sure to provide laughs for all involved.

Johns go into term four with all the pressure on them: will they choke like the New Zealand rugby team?

Will anyone run a record time

Ursies - 95 (still in Girls soccer, will either finish with 121 or 117) Fenner - 83 (still in Boys soccer, will finish either on 99 or 95) UL - 95 Bruce - 74 Toad - 10

Grizzlies Dine on Cow BRENDAN RUSSELL WRITER

Photo courtesy of Michelle Hazel

ANU’s Rugby League side, the Grizzlies, have made it to the final of the NSW Tertiary Students Rugby League in just its second year in the competition after beating the UC Cows 2014 in the Qualifying Final last Saturday.

UC ended the regular season on top of the table, causing UC academics to search excitedly through university records to confirm that this was, in fact, the first time UC had outranked anyone at anything ever!

Despite this, the Grizzlies finished the match well, managing to fight back and overcome a 14-6 deficit. This was, in part, thanks to strong performances from Michael ‘Benney’ Benney in attack and Ben ‘Gits’ Giteau in defence. John ‘Gibbo’ Gibson also

made valuable contributions with his touches of the ball, while Brad ‘B-rad’ McDonnell also did well getting the boys going forward.

While coach Chris ‘Kenno’ Kennedy expressed some disappointment at the Grizzlies’ continuing inability to think up more original nicknames, he was generally happy with the result.

The Grizzlies side is comprised of a combination of ANU students, ex-ANU students, UC students (what?) and bums (Editor’s Note: Woroni prefers the term ‘Arts Students’) with nothing better to do on a Saturday.

The Grizzlies now have a week off, while the Cows have to travel to Sydney to play UTS for the remaining Grand Final spot. The Grizzlies fully expect to meet the Cows in the Grand Final at McCredie Park in Sydney on 10 September. All support welcome.

Our Uni. Our team.

SPORT AFL

Finals season is here! Topping off the home-and-away season in domination, Geelong has pummeled a Collingwood team who barely seemed to turn up to the match (perhaps they forgot to report their Centrelink).

There was more fight going on in the Maggies’ coaching box than at ground level. Big bad Barry Hall has closed out a career in football and boxing (often combining the two) with a 5 goal haul for the Doggies. Much like star scorer Stephen Milne, St Kilda came from behind against the Blues to win by 20. However, now we must look towards this weekend’s preliminary finals. Friday night sees a rejuvenated Cats take on the Hawks, while Collingwood will need to actually get the ball inside 50 from time-to-time to topple the West Coast Eagles, who have a few selection issues to sort out.

In the elimination finals, St Kilda host the Swans who appear to be peaking as the finals begin after a solid win over Brisbane, while Carlton will need to work against Essendon on Sunday, with their kicking accuracy and ruckman in question.

19

The fortnightly punt with Gus Heslop Cricket

Rugby Union

World Cup! Australia plays Italy this Sunday and has a fairly nice pool, consisting of the USA, Ireland and Russia. Following its win in the Tri Nations, the Wallabies are starting to look decent. However, nothing can be assured in World Cup football. Well, except New Zealand promising great things and never delivering, as summed up by our friend here:

Batting season is back and Australia has got off to a good start with a 125 run win over Sri Lanka in the first of three test matches.

A great match of debuts, for Michael Clarke as captain and the two fresh faces of Trent Copeland and Nathan Lyon. On a gluggy pitch, Sri Lanka failed to fire in its first innings, which cost it dearly. Lyon was particularly impressive, taking 5 wickets for 34 in the first innings. Ricky ‘Punter’ Pointing is rushing back to Oz for the birth of his child. Not sure if it’s human or greyhound. Australia has a busy summer ahead with One Day and Test Series in South Africa in October before it takes on New Zealand and India at home in December and January. Oh, and Warnie is claiming that the reason he resembles his Madame Tussauds figure increasingly by the day is due to the media (as opposed to himself) touching him up.

Athletics

Finally, how do you know a Collingwood supporter invented the toothbrush? Had anyone else done so, it would have been a teethbrush!

Sally Pearson has won the 100m hurdles at the World Athletic Championships in South Korea, making her world champion, in a race the experts described her as ‘owning’. She ran a nearrecord time, helped by a quick start which saw her in the lead by the first hurdle.

Only four women have ever run faster than she has. The Punt was unable to confirm whether she is the first white chick to run this fast.

Pearson’s win has topped off an up-and-down meet for the Australians, with long jumper Mitchell Watt failing to capitalise as favourite, discuss thrower Dani Samuels performing badly, highjumper Steve Hooker not actually getting off the ground and walker Jared Tallent forgetting how to walk. Better get sorted before London….

Team of the Fortnight WILL WALTON SPORTS SUB-EDITOR

1. Geelong Football Club. Now it is generally understoond that this particular columnist retains a healthy level of objectivity... kind of... notwithstanding: how nice was it to see the Pies get thumped?

‘Tis enough to warm the cockles of anyone’s heart. Well perhaps not a Collingwood supporter’s; then again, TOTF isn’t entirely confident in the existence of a Collingwood supporter’s heart.

Objectively speaking of course.

2. Editors of the Athletics Championships program. These fine people are to be commended

for being the architects of one of the most effective jinxes in recent sporting memory. In the first four days of competition all four of the athletes feature on the cover, all of whom are already wellaccomplished, suffered an Andy Murray-esque case of the yips.

TOTF recommends nasal delivery technology.

3. Sally Pearson. No yips for Australian hurdles machine Pearson, finally breaking the much publicised ‘cover curse’.

Well actually, it was apparently broken by Russian walker Olga Kaniskina, but TOTF has a few problems with that. She only featured on the cover because hers was the only event of the day. Her name is particularly

difficult to say (go on, try it, I dare you), AND this writer isn’t fully prepared to acknowledge the definition of competitive walking as a sport. It’s kind of like how we say Griffin Hall is a hall/ college...

4.

New Zealand’s Legal Brothels. It’s not only the players who are preparing frantically for the upcoming Rugby World Cup. Reportedly a number of brothels have doubled their order of condoms in anticipation of a groundswell of tourists in search of some kiwi fruit. According to local Wellington dominatrix Mary Brennan the British are expected to be the most voracious customers to come a-knocking.

Fear not though, if you think that

www.woroni.com.au

by getting some action you’ll miss out on the action; most brothels will be providing world cup TV coverage in their waiting rooms.

After all, is there a greater turn-on than a fiercly contested scrum?

5. Calos Tevez. This one is fun.

Having suffered an emotionally tumultuous off-season, Argentine striker Tevez eventually forced himself to check into rehab. Well may you wonder what his Achilles heel was: allow me to sate your curiosity. Food. That’s right, Tevez shockingly put on 5-6 kilos in what commentators are describing as a “binge”. Truly outrageous stuff. Who says football is an overly-dramatised sport? Certainly not this writer.

6. Manchester United. Supporters of the Red Devils should feel confident in the financial security of their club, after officials reported that, following record profit levels, their outstanding debt has dropped by almost 20%! This leaves the club staring down a paltry remainder of $700 million AUD. 7. Collingwood Football Club. If you didn’t already know it, they were beaten by Geelong. Quite convincingly. There isn’t actually anything further to say about the game itself, however it sure as sure brought a smile to my face being reminded of it. Looks like they got served a dose of humble pie... and that’s a wrap.

BACK PAGE YOU CAN’T REVIEW THAT! with JAMIE FREESTONE

Last night’s dream No doubt open to multiple interpretations, the whole production was enthralling. Although the moral of this story seemed profound immediately after it finished, the effect wore off through the day and was already waning as I recounted it to my housemate over breakfast.

The dream opened with the fairly hackneyed setting of a classroom in my high school, the director taking the bold choice to have the protagonist naked. From there the scene transitions were fluid and the narrative shifted seamlessly from one location and set of cast members to another.

The set-designer and artistic director deserve credit for producing a fairly faithful reconstruction of the house I grew up in, although I don’t recall my home having one room off the kitchen that becomes the bedroom of my ex-girlfriend, only after I follow the boyhood version of my now adult next-door neighbour inside.

Was this surrealist imagery a comment on the baseless nature of our morality, following a century of war and misguided political ideology? Or was it a consequence of the the reduced information flow between my hippocampus and neocortex, resulting in illogical linkages between disparate memories?

The horrifying vignette in which my teeth fell out, although a bit of a cliche, was genuinely disturbing and the penultimate scene was an hilarious farce wherein the car I tried to use wouldn’t start and I decided instead to run jellylegged to the HSC exam I was missing.

The show ended with a superb, almost Brechtian device, incorporating a song from my clock-radio alarm into the narrative of the dream, allowing me some tantalising moments of lucidity before waking up.

Most of the characters, however, were inconsistent or just facile; they were either morphing avatars representing my own unresolved family issues or paper-thin, coquettish versions of women I know and am now more attracted to as a result.

Other dreams have been far more successful. Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s opium dream produced the virtuosic poem, “Kubla Khan”; Salvadore Dali’s yielded a whole new art movement; Jung’s dreams contained a veritable tarot deck of archetypal figures of cosmic significance; and St John’s cycle of prophetic dreams included God as a main character and foretold the apocalypse. In comparison, my exiguous narrative of minutiae from my daily life and petty, unresolved sexual desires seems somewhat banal.

More successful than Martin Luther King Jr’s dream.

with Farzaneh Edraki WORONI PRESENTS

CONGRATULATIONS

THE BACK PAGE INVITATIONAL

Xie Pei Shi, who was the winner of last week’s Invitational.

Send answers to any of these to woroni@anu.edu.au; the answer we judge to be the best will receive two movie tickets. All answers will be published online at www.woroni.com.au

SLOGANEERING

MOBY DICK

KNOW YOUR CAMPUS This photo has been taken somewhere on campus. If you know where, be the first reader to e-mail Woroni your answer and win nothing.

Dick Cheney recently released a memoir called In My Time. Can you think of a more interesting title?

The University of Canberra’s slogan is: “Australia’s Capital University”. Come up with a more fitting label.

ASK A CELEBRITY Dear Dr. Dre, I’m in love. Head-over-heels, blind, punch drunk love. We’ve only been dating for a week, but, oh, what a week it’s been: picnics in Garema Place, late-night phone calls (‘you hang up… no, you.’), merry skipping along Daley Rd. There’s just one problem.

She is from South Canberra.

As a veteran Northside resident, I’m just not sure I can make this work in the long term. Already, it’s affecting our relationship – she shops at Manuka, I shop at Dickson; she likes the flagrant wealth of Inner South living, I prefer the ramshackle share houses of the Inner North. Lake Burley Griffin stands as an immutable barrier between us. Doc, what’s a proud suburban boy to do?

Regards, Gary, O’Connor

Dear G-pain (Can I call you G-Pain? I’m callin’ you G-Pain), Are you fo real? Son. Seriously.

Stop making a motherfucking mountain out of a motherfucking mole hill. Listen up to the Doc. You need a healthy dose of “man the fuck up”. Appreciate the woman you got, cos real soon she’s gonna wise up to the fact that she’s dating a pussy and leave yo ass.

Peace out.

Dr. Dre

Name: Irene Age: 9 days Interests: destruction, landfall, the Coriolis effect.

Looking for: smart, fun, easy going guy to settle down with. Must like it rough. Will blow you away.

R E A L I S T I C R O M A N C E : I N T E R N AT I O N A L P O L I T I C S

The Colonel & the Sexytary of State After the fall of Muammar Gaddafi, documents revealing his infatuation with former US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice were found. Here we present an exclusive extract... [...] Condoleeza felt all warm. Perhaps it was the murderously hot breath of the Libyan sun streaming through the palace windows.

Perhaps it was the battle raging outside the compound where she lay in complete post-coital bliss.

Or perhaps it was bodily heat of her swarthy lover Muammar radiating across the bed towards her. Yes, she thought on reflection. That’s probably it. “’Leeza, “ he said, swarthily, “’Leeza, I want to make love to you again!”

“Muammar,” she said in Russian and French simultaneously, since she was fluent in both languages and also a stunning concert pianist, “Muammar, I must return to the State Department! But before I go, please make love to me one last time!”

TOM WESTLAND

His swarthy eyes lit up as though by celebratory gunfire from smuggled Soviet weaponry..

Condoleeza climbed on top of her swarthy Libyan lover and delicately removed his pants.

“May I inspect your weaponry?” she said with a glint in her eye.

He entered her with the force of a Tomahawk missile landing accidentally on a civilian target.

For Condoleeza, this was the greatest moment of her life, even better than the erotic massage she’d received from Kim Jong Il. With one great, last guttural battle cry, the swarthy Libyan dictator’s payload was spent. “‘Leeza, darling,” he cooed, as only a dictator can, “will you lift your sanction and allow me to kiss you upon your lips?”

She had given her body to Muammar completely, it was true. But could she surrender herself completely to a Third World despot? What would the Security Council say? [...]

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