CRITICAL MASS IPHONE ARTS REVUE ODD FUTURE NEW POETRY SWIM CLUB CHINALOVE INSIDE: ELECTIONS AROUND THE WORLD BROKEBACK KATTER FLORIADE BOLT SINGAPORE WHAT'S ON
13 OCT 2011
Vol.63 VOLUME 63, NOno. 14 9
11 AUGUST 2011
The Australian National University Newspaper Since 1948
COWBOY METALHEADS OF BOTSWANA
ROLLER DERBY (P.22)
( P.15)
www.woroni.com.au
GOLDEN SHOWER Fleur Hawes elected President of ANUSA; Golden Ticket sweep all executive positions. THE EDITORS Fleur Hawes has been overwhelmingly elected President of the ANU Students’ Association (ANUSA), with her ticket (Golden Ticket) taking all positions on the executive. Alice McAvoy will be Vice-President and Tara Mulholland will be General Secretary, while Dallas Proctor, Phoebe Malcolm and Tom Barrington-Smith were elected as Treasurer, Social Officer and Education Officer respectively. The fourteen general representative positions were split between the major tickets, with nine candidates from the independent Golden Ticket elected, three from the Labor Right-aligned Stimulate ticket and two from the Labor Left-aligned Activate! ticket. Independent candidate Renee Jones won a tight contest for the position of Women’s Officer, edging out Activate’s Raveena Toor by 22 votes. Golden Ticket’s Sean Munro will be the new Environment Officer. In some ways, however, the most hotly contested positions were those for five delegates to the National
Cosmic Schmidt TOM WESTLAND UMA PATEL
Union of Students (NUS), with four tickets and two independents fielding candidates. Stimulate’s Michael Petterson, Activate’s Isobel Morphy-Walsh and Ryan Turner, the independent Jared Mitchell and Stood Up’s Alice Crawford were all elected to represent ANUSA at the national conference of Australia’s peak student advocacy body. Faculty Representatives, the Queer* Officer and Disabilities Officer were all elected unopposed. It took more than two full days of counting before the results
SAVING THE WORLD WITH A WELDING TORCH
could be finalised. After a relatively quiet year for student politics, 2011 saw fierce campaigning in Union Court and accusations of electoral regulation breaches and incivility. Ten complaints were received by the Returning Officer, Alick Dodd, during the course of the week of polling. However, none were deemed to be breaches of ANUSA’s electoral regulations. Questions have, however, also been raised about the need to change ANUSA’s electoral
Government changes visa rules for internationals MARIE NGIAM NEWS SUBEDITOR
Photo supplied by Nic Welbourn
JESS MILLEN CULTURE SUBEDITOR
On any given day in Union Court, there are some among us who rise above the crowd. They sail past, perched on towering, oddly-shaped bikes that have been welded together from parts
of broken frames and waste steel, leaving a rustle of intrigued whispers in their wake. The first time I saw one of these towering super-bikes, I thought it must be the bizarre workings of an eccentric, lone operator... CONTINUED P.15
regulations. It has been suggested that the Association should increase the powers of the Probity Officer to investigate and act upon allegations of electoral regulation breaches. Current ANUSA president Leah Ginnivan told Woroni that she thinks that the regulations need “substantial revision, especially to give power to punish bad behaviour.” “We would definitely encourage next year’s team to review the regulations carefully,” she said.
The Federal Government has announced that it will loosen visa requirements for international students, in an effort to boost Australia’s competitiveness in the international education sector and encourage more international students to study at Australian universities. The announcement comes as the Government released a report by former New South Wales Government minister, Michael Knight. It will accept the report’s
41 recommendations with some amendments. These changes will enable students wanting to apply for a tertiary degree in Australia to go through a ‘’streamlined visa processing’’. This means that all international students planning to study in Australia will be treated as though they are unlikely to stay illegally and are low-risk, regardless of what country they come from. The government is also planning to reduce the amount of money students must have in their CONTINUED P.2
Professor Brian Schmidt, 2011 Nobel Laureate and Distinguished Professor at the ANU, says he was “excited and bewildered” by the news that he had won a Nobel Prize in Physics. Professor Schmidt shares the prize with American scientists Adam Riess and Saul Perlmutter. “I got a call at about 8.30,” Professor Schmidt told Woroni just hours after he received the news, “from someone with a Swedish voice, who said it was a very important call.” Did he think it might have been a prank? “The accent was very convincing”. Professor Schmidt won the prize for his work on the rate of the expansion of the universe. By comparing the distances from earth and rate of expansion between exploding stars, Professor Schmidt and his team discovered that the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate. “This means that something other than gravity as we know it rules the cosmos,” said Professor Schmidt. This result, which Professor Schmidt says was predicted by Albert Einstein but then abandoned, came as a “big surprise” to most people, who had assumed that the acceleration of the universe was slowing. How did Professor Schmidt decide to research the expansion of the Universe? “I always like to ask big questions that I can explain to my grandmother – measuring the ultimate state of the universe is something I could explain to my grandmother.” Woroni spoke to Professor Schmidt again several days after CONTINUED P.2
NEWS
Indonesia in the Asia-Pacific century GATRA PRIYANDITA WRITER
On the September 14th, around 30 ANU students visited the Indonesian embassy as part of a dialogue hosted by the Asia-Pacific Youth Organisation (APYO), a youth-oriented organisation that aims to improve Asian literacy in Australia. The theme of the dialogue was ‘Indonesia in the Asia-Pacific Century’. Its goal was to identify how Indonesia is developing to become one of the region’s most prominent players and how it is coping with regional and internal challenges. The students heard a presentations from two members of the Indonesian embassy. Dupito Simamora, the ministercounsellor for political affairs, and Denny Lesmana, the first secretary for economic affairs,
accepted the APYO’s invitation to discuss Indonesia’s economic and political challenges and future prospects. Both speakers stressed that while Indonesia was on the rise, it still faces various obstacles. They noted that despite facing a rising economy and becoming a regional player of ever-increasing importance, Indonesia still faces many internal problems that it has to tackle, such as corruption and a weak infrastructure. Students interested in upcoming events should visit the APYO website at www.apyo.org.
bank account before coming to Australia, and will allow students to stay in Australia for work experience after completing their studies. “This is about allowing them to gain work experience to experience post their study which will allow them to be more competitive in the job market either in Australia or overseas,” Tertiary Education Minister Senator Evans said. The changes, which will affect international students applying for bachelor degrees, masters degrees and post-graduate research degrees come amidst dwindling numbers of international students to Australia. Dr Glenn Withers, the CEO of
New telescope for Stromlo MARIE NGIAM NEWS SUBEDITOR
Mt Stromlo Observatory celebrated its centenary with the unveiling of a new telescope by ACT Chief Minister, Katy Gallagher on September 24. The new telescope, the Oddie II arrived at the centenary celebrations on a vintage truck and is a replica of its original, the Oddie I. The Oddie I was named after James Oddie of Ballarat, who donated the nine inch refracting telescope to the observatory. It was first used to search the skies in September 1911 after the Commonwealth was persuaded
to establish an observatory in Canberra. However, the original telescope was destroyed by the 2003 bushfires that devastated the Observatory and its surrounding areas. “The unveiling of a replica of the first telescope to search the skies from Mt Stromlo was a wonderful way to celebrate the Observatory’s centenary”, ACT Chief Minister Katy Gallagher said. “This replica will remind us of this important part of our heritage, and will be on permanent display and available to the public to look through as did our early astronomers”, the Chief Minister added.
Cosmic Schmidt CONTINUED FROM P.1
Govt makes changes to visa rules CONTINUED FROM P.1
Universities Australia, attributes this to stringent visa requirements, the strong Australian dollar and the perception of an unwelcome atmosphere in Australia. Senator Evans remains optimistic that the changes will help put the education sector on a good footing and enable it to continue to grow. However, Arfa Noor, President of the Council of International Students Australia indicated that while the emphasis on growth was encouraging, the government should also provide sufficient infrastructure for foreign students. ‘’They want to make sure there is ongoing support, social integration and social inclusion for the students, and not just focus on getting them here’’, Ms Noor said.
the announcement to ascertain how his life has changed since the announcement. “It is certainly surreal right now and I am sure that it will will slow down or at least I hope it does, I’m hoping my life goes back to [the] quasi-normalcy that it had before this award and it certainly looks like it is heading that way.” Has his recently acquired celebrity status affected his commitment to the ANU? “No, I have no intention to depart the ANU any time soon. I am extremely happy here, I have a vineyard on the other side of town…I could not do that anywhere else I can think of.” Winemaking, though, isn’t his foremost passion: “I am an astronomer first and a winemaker second.” In five years time we should expect the results of his latest research project, which may not win him a second Nobel Prize, but is certainly an area
of immense interest to him. “I am mapping the entire southern sky to make what I describe as an astronomical treasure map. I really cannot think of anything else that I would want to do more.”’ In a statement, Vice-Chancellor Ian Young said that “[Professor Schmidt’s] work on the expansion of the universe has changed the face of Astronomy. The work recognised by this Nobel Prize has helped to unveil a universe that, to a large extent, was unknown to science.” Professor Schmidt heads over to Sweden in December for the official award ceremony – and he’s “pretty excited” about the prospect, as are his kids, who are “looking forward to it.” “My son asked me whether he could have a day off school. I said a few days off school was probably OK, given the circumstances.” You can listen to a full interview on the Barry Drive podcast on the Woroni website.
THE NEWS EXPLAINED with Max Phillis Eurozone Update This column has previously covered Greece’s economic problems and how they could spread across Europe. This issue is still at the forefront of European political consciousness but it appears that progress may be taking shape. Given the profound implications of a possible debt default on the world economy, it is worth taking a look at what some of the proposed solutions are. First is the perceived need for
further write-downs on Greek debts. This is effectively telling banks and investors who invested in Greek bonds that the returns they were promised will not be coming. Think of it as a limited default, or what is euphemistically known in Euro-jargon as a “haircut”. This would weaken balance-sheets as assets evaporate, but ultimately is better than getting nothing at all as would be the case under a full default. This proposal is being pushed by the French, amongst others, and there was a voluntary agreement in July to write down 21% of Greek bonds.
The debt write-downs mean that banks have less capital than they thought, leading to the second proposal of recapitalisation. Such is the purpose of the €440bn European Financial Stability Facility (EFSF), though the IMF believes it needs an extra €200bn to be effective. This money represents low interest loans to banks providing liquidity and confidence, at least notionally, in the banks’ ability to absorb the write downs. Germany has recently come round to supporting these measures, while France opposes them.
WORONI A Publication of ANU Student Media
Editors Elouise Fowler Sophie Turnbull Angus Minns Simon Thompson Scott Bolton Tom Westland Uma Patel Cameron Knott Subeditors Marie Ngiam (News) Richard Keys (News) Izzy Roper (Opinion) Rachel Davies (Opinion) Lisa Visentin (Features) Gareth Robinson (Features) Jess Millen (Culture) Liv Clarke (Culture) Will Walton (Sport) Farzaneh Edraki (At-Large) Zid Mancenido (At-Large) Cam Wilson (Web) Tom Garwood (Web) Proofreaders Patrick Ingle Daniel Lynch Letters To The Editor Love us or loath us, we’d love to hear from you! The best letter published wins a kilo of coffee from our friends at Lonsdale St. Roasters. Send in letters to woroni@anu.com.au Submissions We welcome submissions for all sections of the paper. Send them in to woroni@anu.edu.au or come to our office and have a chat. Online Check out all the content from the paper + special web only content at www.woroni.com.au Woroni Editorial @Woroni
Finally and more controversially there are calls for the introduction of “Eurobonds”, just like national bonds but guaranteed by all 17 member states. Theoretically this should reduce bond yields because of the increased security of having Germany and France guaranteeing Italian and Greek borrowing. It is this precise reason the idea is unpopular in Germany and France, given the perceived profligacy of their southern neighbours. There is still the possibility that the Eurozone will disintegrate, but for now at least there are efforts to hold things together.
Deadline Submissions for our final edition for the year must be in before 5PM Monday 17th of October
Printed by mpd - printing the news everyday. Unit E1, 46-62 Maddox Street Alexandria NSW 2015 2011 Woroni Branding by Chandler Specialist Design: info@chandlersds.com
2
NEWS
THE FORTNIGHT WITH FARZANEH EDRAKI
Woroni’s guide to the world at large
NEWS QUIZ
Angry Anderson has announced that he will run in the next federal election. Describing himself as a “lapsed Labor supporter”, Mr. Anderson will instead run as a member of The Nationals. The 63 year old musician has been particularly vocal over concerns about the carbon tax, appearing at rallies and forums around the country. “I feel I can best serve the Australian people on the national stage,” he said, adding: “I’ve always liked big stages.”
Oi, we have guests
You gotta beetle kidding The winner of the 2011 Ig Nobel Prize for biology was awarded to a study examining horny beetles. The paper, “Beetles on the Bottle: Male Buprestids Mistake Stubbies for Females” looked at a species of Australian beetle which tries to breed with beer bottles. According to the study, the mating system of this beetle species has been severely affected by stubbies.
Syria: hacktivism
No more danishes, please
Get out your handkerchiefs and commemorative Royal china teacups, because The Queen is set to visit Australia on 14 October. The Queen, now 85, will be in Australia for ten days. U.S. President Barack Obama has also announced that he will visit Australia in November, to commemorate the 60 year U.S.-Australia alliance. Woroni hopes the President will not stand us up again like last time, when the White House cancelled a scheduled visit.
The Syrian government has been the target of a new form of political activism this month: hacktivism. A graphic in the shape of Syria, made up of 2,316 individuals (representing the number of civilian casualties between February and August) has found its way onto several official government websites. The caption reads: “2,316 reasons why Assad is finished”.
Help!
Quote of the fortnight
Palau has sought an advisory opinion from the International Court of Justice on climate change. The small island in the Pacific wants to know whether countries have a legal responsibility to mitigate their greenhouse gas emissions. Rising sea levels as result of greenhouse gas emissions continue to threaten the island nation.
Guuuuuuiiiiillltyyy Columnist Andrew Bolt was found guilty of breaching the Racial Discrimination Act, following comments he made in a 2009 article accusing fair-skinned Aboriginal people of using their indigenous heritage to further their careers. The Federal Court also berated Bolt for “errors of fact, distortions of the truth and inflammatory and provocative language”. Crikey has posted a series of satirical “Andrew Bolt Greeting Cards for Freedom” on their website, including: “I am sorry I was racist”, and “I am sorry that I can’t tell you how sorry I am for legal reasons.”
“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” – Steve Jobs, Apple cofounder, who died this month of pancreatic cancer, speaking at a lecture in 2005.
Denmark has introduced a new fat food tax. The tax puts a surcharge on foods high in concentrated fat, in a bid to address growing obesity problems. Which foods will be targeted under the tax? Butter, milk, cheese, pizza, meat, oil, and some processed foods. Supermarkets have reported hordes of Danes storming their shops to stock up on their favourite fatty foods before the tax goes into effect.
2
Who won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize?
3 Which planet (other than Earth) was recently discovered to have an ozone layer? 4 Which country announced plans to tighten its drug laws, putting an end to the current practice of potsmoking in coffee shops? 5 Trains in which country are to be equipped with emergency “wee bags”?
Oh, for PETA’s sake Animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is to launch a pornography website. The website will feature pornography alongside graphic images of animal cruelty, with a view to raising awareness of veganism. PETA’s associate director of campaigns commented: “We’re hoping to reach a whole new audience of people, some of whom will be shocked by graphic images that maybe they didn’t anticipate seeing when they went to the PETA triple-X site.”
www.woroni.com.au
ANSWERS 1. Arnie (Schwarzenegger, that is). 2. It was jointly awarded to three women: Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Liberian Leymah Gbowee and Tawakul Karman of Yemen, for their human rights work. 3. Venus. 4. The Netherlands. 5. Again, the Netherlands.
Vote Angry, vote often
1 Which politician and actor recently inaugurated a museum dedicated to himself?
3
NEWS
4
That’s the ticket: hacked to death UMA PATEL EDITOR
“When I grow up, I want to be a hack!”
ANU by 2020 VINCENT CHIANG CORRESPONDENT
ANU Vice-Chancellor Professor Ian Young recently unveiled a new strategic plan, ANU by 2020, which outlines the future direction of the university. It articulates a vision of the ANU which Professor Young hopes will manifest in ten years’ time, with shorter goals to be achieved by 2015. In doing so, the plan aims to “build on the distinctive excellence of ANU as Australia’s national university and Australia’s finest university”. ANU by 2020 focuses specifically on the role of ANU as the national university and, as such, as a resource for Australia and Australia’s place in the wider, globalizing world. In particular, the plan details the ANU’s involvement with government, business and social policy, which translates to a focus on the University’s research, education and public policy. The focus on the ANU as Australia’s “finest” university
also emphasises this point, encouraging staff to “contribute to the national and international debate”. Significantly, ANU by 2020 promotes an intensification of research at the ANU, particularly in relation to staff research output and a “research-led” education. The structure of the plan is based on a series of “Overarching Aims” targeting the distinctive excellence of the ANU. In achieving these aims, the plan outlines “Core Objectives” to be achieved such as excellence in research, excellence in education and as national policy resource while the foundational “Building Blocks” include world class staff, inspired students as well as national and international outreach. Importantly, the “Building Blocks” provide details for goals which the Vice-Chancellor hopes to have achieved halfway through the ten years in 2015. The plan is available on the ANU website, in both HTML and PDF form.
The first week of term was filled with ANUSA hopefuls pouncing on students unsuspectingly wandering passed Union Court anxiously trying to find a meal for less than $5. This was followed by a week of candidates anxiously awaiting the official announcement of who would be part of ANUSA like a promiscuous teen that just peed on a stick. Those who have lost will have to live with the knowledge that they just spent a week getting most of ANU campus to despise their presence for no consolation except a colour-blotted T-shirt, some scrunched up how-to-vote pamphlets and a knowledge chest of how to start a conversation with a timid student that made the error of honestly answering the question, “Have you got a couple of seconds?” The results are in. The Golden Ticket has picked up all of the
executive positions, with each candidate receiving at least double their closest competitor’s vote count. Quantifiable proof that you are twice as popular as the kid that also attempted to win your ANUSA position is usually met with a level of elation comparable to a pubescent girl receiving a love note from Justin Bieber. However, you could probably question this reaction, considering a position on the executive is usually accompanied by a destructive addiction to NoDoz tablets, amateur bureaucracy, and an unwavering collective of students that use you to express their public persona’s hate for authority every time they have a coffee. Nonetheless, Golden Ticket’s shower did not spray across to all of ANUSA; other tickets and independents were elected to NUS, officer positions and as General Representatives. The number of students that voted was a significant increase from last year. Roughly one in six ANU undergraduate students
Art, Music libraries to merge after all YASMIN MASRI WRITER
Despite continuing protests from staff, undergrad and postgrad students at both schools the Vice-Chancellor, Ian Young, announced on Wednesday that the amalgamation of the School of Art and School of Music libraries would go ahead. An action plan which has been given to staff, but is yet to be made publically available, set down a timeline for amalgamation with a start date of 5 October and a finish time of mid 2012. Many members of the Art and Music School communities feel that the consultation process prior to this decision has been inadequate. Staff and students felt that insufficient information about the details of the new library plan
were made available during the consultation period, including any detailed costings or layouts of the new space, which made any real discussions impossible. Further they felt that concerns about the different ways in which students at these schools use hard copy materials have never been engaged with. The newly released timeline also includes plans to move texts to the print repository off campus in Hume. This is in direct contrast to all previous discussions in which the university had said that all texts would remain on campus. Staff and student groups are continuing to protest about the poor level of consultation. There will be a public meeting with Acting University Librarian Ms Maggie Shapley on Thursday 13 October at 2pm in Llewellyn Hall to discuss the future of the libraries.
chose to spend 5 minutes waiting in a line to be handed a ballot paper. This was followed by a middle aged retiree crossing your name off and handing you four ballot papers –four times the amount you were expecting. This was followed by the inevitable filling out of a ballot paper, putting the numbers 1 to 5 for the people you wanted to get elected, then 5 to 10 for the people whose names you slightly recognised. It must be said, the majority of students do not care about student elections but they will be affected whether they know it or notmuch like your mother drinking while she was pregnant with you. From the advocacy of student interests to clogging your ohso-precious-newsfeed, ANUSA’s relentless efforts will always influence you. Woroni would like to congratulate every person that ran in the elections: your persistence and resilience against the cohort’s efforts to extinguish your presence is, if nothing else, reminiscent of H1N1.
Volunteers get a boost GUS LITTLE WRITER
ANU Volunteers (ANU V) is now benefiting from a new online volunteer management system courtesy of an ANUSA grant. After a period of rapid growth, the one-year-old group has recently purchased a subscription to ‘Volunteer Impact’. Volunteer Impact, which is the same program used by major volunteering organisations including Calvary Hospital, allows potential volunteers to input their interests and availability. It then matches this information to volunteering events entered by the committee, so users are shown only opportunities of interest to them. “Our new system makes it so much easier for our members find out about opportunities. We’ve received lots of positive feedback about the way it matches people to upcoming events,” said ANU V President, Jessica Saunders. Volunteers can also record the number of hours that they’ve volunteered. “We’re really excited about this new capability. We hope to be able to give volunteers a certificate recording their contribution, and perhaps even start volunteering awards in the future,” said ANU V VicePresident, Katrina Marson. All members of ANU Volunteers have access to the Volunteer Impact system. Membership is free and details are available at www.anuv.com.au.
OPINION
5
Counting my vote in Singapore’s recent presidential election STACEY YEW WRITER
The recent Singapore Presidential Election, held on 27 August 2011, was a hotly contested fight between four Tan’s - Dr Tony Tan, Dr Tan Cheng Bock, Mr Tan Jee Say and Mr Tan Kin Lian. I battled the mighty zzzmonster to stay awake for the announcement of the Presidential Election results that night. By the time votes were tallied, and results of the Presidential Election were announced, it was almost 5:00AM (Singapore time) the following morning. Isn’t there a more efficient and less labour-intensive way to handle the vote-counting process? I have never been one to cause dissent in the political scene, nor can I envisage myself rallying opposition against ruling political elites. For me, the choice for Singapore’s next president was clear right from the time certificates of eligibility were issued. In this contest, the close fight between former Deputy Prime Minister Dr Tony Tan and former Member of Parliament and medical practitioner Dr Tan Cheng Bock brought a nail-biting moment for Singaporeans. After three long and arduous hours of ballot-counting at 162 decentralised counting centres, an unambiguous winner tentatively emerged. Dr Tony Tan had garnered a lead of less than 2 percentage points ahead of Dr Tan Cheng Bock. Under the Constitution and upon the request of the nominee, the Returning Officer from the Elections Department is permitted to allow for a recount of all the votes cast. Accepting Dr Tan Cheng Bock’s demand for a recount, the election officials set off on the task of tallying the votes again. After a prolonged six-hour
process, election results were finally released. Imagine the length of time that had transpired between receiving the approximately 2.1 million ballot papers at the counting centres to the release of election results. In light of the protracted counting process, the entire election exercise could have been more pleasant for everyone - candidates, supporters, political watchers and electorate, if the method of counting and tabulating ballots had been more automated. Electronic voting systems are not new. E-voting devices are used in different parts of the United States and in nations such as India and Venezuela. The spectrum of electronic voting systems available range from a fully automated direct recording electronic system to varying levels of semi-automated optical reader-type systems used for analyzing paper-based ballots. Adopting an e-voting system has helped countries tabulate election results more swiftly while securing the whole election procedure in a verifiable environment. Issues such as legitimacy, usability and applicability are maintained when selecting from a diverse array of e-voting models. If the Singapore government employs computer-based assessment systems for nationwide school examinations and utilizes the electronic filing of tax returns, switching to an electronic voting system should not cause too much commotion among the public. Considering the possible improvements in efficiency and effectiveness of the entire voting exercise, the Elections Department should seriously take a closer look at the quality of the current administrative process. With Singapore’s increasing contestation and greater fragmentation in the political front, continuing with an outdated voting system is not only unsuitable but highly unproductive.
Dr Chinalove
Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the language GUS McCUBBING WRITER
It is safe to say that the average Australian has, until recently, known or wanted to know, as much about China I as do about thimbles. What has changed is that China is now the planet’s most populous nation, has the second strongest economy, and is now our number one trading partner. For these reasons, I hope it won’t take Triple J to enlighten Australians about the importance of this badboy. Despite this, I still can’t help feeling somewhat distressed about the increasing interest shown towards the study of Mandarin. To set the scene: as a child, it was widely accepted that if you dug a deep enough hole in the backyard you would end up in China. In my primary school days, Mother, in all her cultural awareness, would tell me to stop playing Crash Bandicoot and go and do my “Ni hao”. In my graduating year, ‘The Age’ reported that only 300 non-background students in Australia had taken Year Twelve Chinese. When I told my friends about my intended gap yah to Beijing, I was met with a jocular “yeah nice one mate”, before my deadpan expression was eventually interpreted as “lol, jks, but seriously…”
www.woroni.com.au
However, after high school I sensed that the tides of change were mounting. After elaborately spruiking my imminent gap yah in my interview with the Burgmann College Dean, so as to cover up my general ineptitude at school, I was told I should meet one Patrick Mayoh, who I was informed was soon appearing on Chinese TV, and potentially had a quirkier haircut than myself. Following this, when in Chinatown itself, I repeatedly had the unfortunate experience of hearing the impetuous bleating of swathes of American exchange students attempting to roll out abhorrently Southern-slurred zai jians. Even the only other nation that was more racist and culturally ignorant than my own was catching on to this China thing. Upon my return to ‘Straya, I was faced with the ignominy of the blonde girl next door attaining the same Year Twelve Chinese score I had received the previous year. Adding insult to injury, a guy at the end of my street with a quiff was about spend a year in my own Beijing Language and Culture University. Now at ANU, I’ve sighted herds of college kids discussing their Chinese exam in the Law Building. Thus, it appears that Chinese may be the new cosmopolitan product in the line of ‘stuff white people like’; succeeding Vans shoes, fixie bikes, take-away lattes and friends from a racial minority. Beyond this, the parental generation, who still think the Dire Straits is cool, are still afraid of gay people and still type with two single fingers, is
also on board. They endorse little Sally’s move to add ‘Choyknees’ to her ‘just Arts’ degree because it’s the Asian century and stuff. This makes for a two pronged attack on its unpopularity. Why the pretentious tone of vexation you ask then? It is true that I really believe that instead of Weet-Bix Brett Lee should be asking us how many languages we ‘do’, especially the languages of nations we prostitute our natural resources out to. However, ultimately, I long for nothing more than to be accepted among the elusive hipster community. Before, I was a cultural visionary and linguistic iconoclast, capable of experiencing wet dreams simply in the knowledge that nobody else I knew could speak this thing. Forget digging Explosions in the Sky or owning every Stanley Kubrick film, this was some fucking legit altness. Thus my only problem with Chinese’s newfound popularity is exactly that: it loses its mystique, and consequently, I lose my own selling point, whether cracking on to cute Eurasians, eventually trying to get a job or JUST TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT when strolling down Melbourne’s Swanston Street. For a time I thought I should have learnt to speak Quechan or play the lute…However now I find comfort in the hope that Chinese will eventually become like Kanye West: whilst being overbearingly popular, remaining irrefutably cool.
OPINION
Critically speaking VINCENT CHIANG CORRESPONDENT
Arriving at the Critical Mass event in late September, I was expecting high level intellectual debate from what promised to be a selection of incredibly interesting (and prominent) figures at the ANU. I wasn’t necessarily disappointed. Having attended Critical Mass, I feel as though my perspective on the ANU’s future has been broadened, perhaps even critically developed. Nevertheless, there were elements of Critical Mass – or rather, its speakers – which I TAKE issue with. Rather than target specific statements or individuals, however, I think the more constructive approach would be to argue in general terms. In general, we should take note that negative
trends, such as faculty cuts and tute size increases, are not entirely the fault of the university administration. It is a fact that universities run on money, and it is also a fact that the government has steadily been cutting its funding for universities. The reality is that the Vice-Chancellor is not the only one who has influence over the future of tertiary education. With that said, it would be wrong to completely absolve the university administration of its responsibility. After all, by their very role, our administration staff members are responsible for doing their best in helping the ANU cope with an increasingly difficult educational climate. More particular, detailed strategies for the future are essential; rhetorical gestures towards overly generalised goals are not. We need more rigorous, justified explanations for how any
ten year plan is going to assist the ANU, both its staff and students. We need concrete ideas and an acknowledgement for what truly makes a great university. And what does? Perhaps the most significant thing to consider is what students already get out of going to the ANU, and it seems to be that what the ANU has to offer is an intimate and adaptable teaching environment. Consider our current “rival”, the University of Melbourne, where student to staff ratios are disastrously large and where degrees are so broad that they become generic. Does this sound like the ANU experience? No. As Philosophy faculty member Bruin Christensen pointed out at Critical Mass (to great applause, I might add), the most rewarding moments in learning are those when it is up-and-close, when classes and tutes can run in specific and interesting directions,
6
Photo by Adhra AlMansoori.
without being compromised by overpopulation. Students at the ANU generally don’t have to worry about not being heard, and even if they do, they are expected to complain. We don’t have to worry about tutes being a minimum size of twenty people. But it’s not only that. What the ANU offers is diversity and individuality. With the recent changes in the Arts degree structure, it is startling to note that more specialisations are on offer than ever before. Whilst students at other universities are struggling to study areas such as Development Studies in-depth, we have entire degrees devoted to such disciplines. For students of degrees such as the Bachelor of Philosophy, there is even the possibility of working one-on-one with academics in specific fields of research and further knowledge acquisition.
These emblems of a more rigorous, more personalised education are what students are really looking for in Australia’s top university. So, to the Vice-Chancellor and Critical Students and anyone else reading, where should we see the ANU in 2020? As a suggestion, what we should be doing is maximising and further developing these strengths of the ANU which I have outlined, through whatever means work best, whether it is working with industry or simply being left alone. There will be triumphs and defeats in the midst of this, and it is inevitable that something will be always be lost, whether it is in the form of staff cuts or building merges. As long as what the ANU alone can offer students is kept in mind, however, anything goes, and I, for one, will be happy.
Tune i Mond n on ays @ 9.30 am!
OPINION
How Floriade cured my homesickness RIMA MURYANTINA WRITER
“Why Canberra? It’s a boring city,” said one of my friends last year when I told him that I was going to do my masters degree at the ANU. Many people from Indonesia choose to study in Australia. A lot of them study in Melbourne, Sydney, and Perth. But Canberra seems to be the last resort for everyone. They said that studying in Canberra is the option chosen only by nerds, as there is little we can do in Canberra aside from studying. I wasn’t in a position to judge whether this opinion was right or wrong. However, I didn’t mind what they said because my purpose in coming to Australia was to study after all. And what many people consider boring, I might discover is actually lovely. So without further hesitation, I went to the city of boredom. When I first came here last semester, it was a real culture shock for me. Canberra is totally different from Jakarta or perhaps any other capital city in the world.
Not too many people. Not too many cars. Bikes are everywhere. Almost no motorcycles. It is completely the reverse in Jakarta. But that’s how I like it. From another perspective, Canberra might be boring, but I’ve never felt this peaceful in my hometown. So I enjoyed living in a whole new world for some months, until the homesickness struck me down. Lately, I’ve felt that no matter how crowded and polluted Jakarta is, I still miss the moment of togetherness in celebrating Independence Day, Ramadhan, and Eid-ul Fitr. I know I can meet a variety of smart people to discuss interesting things in this university, but nobody in Canberra could joke with me the way sarcastic Jakartan youngsters do. And despite my huge respect towards the good people of Canberra, everything is not the same without my family beside me. So here I was, getting through my last term break with assignments, readings, loneliness, and homesickness. Until some friends of mine rescued me from my miserable life. They took me to Floriade. I was surprised by how an event that seemed to be so ordinary could compel so many people from around Australia to come to
Photos by Adhra AlMansoori.
www.woroni.com.au
Canberra. The flowers, the gnome display, the bonsai collection, the entertainment performances; all were beautiful. But the thing that struck me the most was how families got together and just had fun. Grandfathers, grandmothers, babies, parents; they were all everywhere. It brought back my childhood memories and I could remember the moments I used to share with my family in my hometown. I finally felt at home again, after being a foreigner for some time. At that moment, I thought Canberra and Jakarta were not so different after all. Or maybe it was just me naively focusing on differences between “this” and “that,” between “here” and “there.” I forgot that no place was entirely different from another. To some extent, two different places must share similarities too. Maybe my sudden homesickness came from my tendency to focus on things only from one particular perspective. I was therefore grateful that Floriade made me see both the beauty of Canberra and Jakarta at the same time. So for all international students who are terribly missing their hometowns, stay strong. Everywhere is home, if you see it from the right angle.
7
NEWS
Phishing9is9a9type9of9email9fraud9that9 attempts9to9obtain9personal9and9 financial9information,9such9 as9passphrases,9credit9 card9details9or9bank9 account9numbers,9by9 pretending9to9be9a9 trusted9source.
99 9 9 9 9
Be suspicious! ANU9will9never9ask9you for9your9passphrase9in9an9email.9Similarly,9 Australian9banks9and9sites9such9as9eBay99 and9Paypal9never9send9emails9containing99 links9to9login9pages.9
99 Never respond9to9requests9for9information 9 received9in9an9email9or9pop-up9window.9 99 Check for suspicious URLs.9The9site9 9 pretending9to9be9paypal.com9might9actually99 9 be9paypai.com9or9paypa1.com
99 Avoid links in untrustworthy emails,9 9 as9these9sites9may9include9viruses9or9other99 9 malware9that9could9infect9your9computer. 99 Review9your9credit9card9and9bank9 9 statements9regularly. 99 Report9any9suspicious9email9or9website9 9 to9IT.Security@anu.edu.au
Division of Information security.anu.edu.au
8
OPINION
E T A E R FEATU DEB
An unfair tax on students DAVE HOWARD WRITER
The Higher Education Support Amendment (Abolition of Compulsory Upfront Student Union Fees) Act 2005 was supposed to be the end of the legendary uni student lifestyle. Clubs and societies would lose membership. Student services would end. The Act and its Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU) regime, in fact, offered tertiary students across the country a choice: to belong to the student union, or not. Six years into the VSU regime, uni life is thriving. University unions no longer wallow in the gluttony of an easy buck—they provide efficient, accountable and effective services to their students. Transparency is now fundamental to student services on campus. Unions have stopped throwing money at chosen political movements, and instead provide services and amenities that students actually need. On 19th September this year, the Senate debate commenced on the Higher Education Legislation Amendment (Student Services and Amenities) Bill 2010. Under this Bill, universities, with Government support, can slap a $250 compulsory fee on students. This obligatory amount provides students with a union membership, regardless of whether they utilise union-provided services or not. With the Greens holding the balance of power in the Senate, it seems certain that students will soon return to Compulsory Student Unionism (CSU). And whilst some of our uni colleagues may be applauding this move, the truth is we can’t afford to go back to compulsory unionism. Advocates of this Student Services and Amenities Bill claim that the compulsory fee will be beneficial to students. University life has declined severely in the last six years, they say and clubs do not have the funds to operate effectively and students are suffering from a lack of services on campus. What an apocalyptic image of Union Court this is! Under VSU, you have the say. If you like the society, you pay $5, write down your email, and join the society. If you like the refectory food you’ll buy it. It’s simple enough. O-Week has grown exponentially and the ANU campus is attracting quality live music acts, as well as broadening
its base of domestic and international students. Our Union has replaced dodgy tuckshop-style food with pocket-friendly, healthy food like Zambreros and Subway, which in turn supports student jobs on campus. Next time you’re cruising through the Union building, have a look at how we students are suffering under VSU: postal services, Ticketek, telecommunications stores, a newsagency, great food, banking facilities. The ANU Union, its services and student support, has flourished under the current system. And if you want to get involved in the Union and make a difference, membership is free. ANU is not alone. Students at the University of Queensland are receiving such real benefits from their membership that the majority of students are UQ Union members. Local businesses, bars, restaurants and clothing stores have opened up in the newly-designed refectory complex. Tired services are being replaced with modern facilities that have boosted student experiences and results. Under VSU, universities have reordered their priorities. Students, not interest groups, come first. Unions no longer waste hardearned student dollars and are accountable and transparent to their student stakeholders. The proposed changes provide no guarantee student moneys will return to the student community, and not to political movements or interest groups. Even the Greens are concerned about the lack of required funding declarations in the Bill. CSU is a regressive initiative which will hurt students and student services. The Higher Education Legislation Amendment (Student Services and Amenities) Bill 2010 is an assault on student freedom. Individual students were not consulted before this Bill was introduced, and the Government seems to forget that we are more than capable of making our own decisions. If we want to join the Union, we can. CSU removes freedom of affiliation—students should have the right to either be a member of the Union, or not! And CSU will disadvantage students who don’t use the services on offer. Students are smart enough to make their own choices. That is why this Bill, a tax on students, must be opposed.
9
Show us the money
RYAN TURNER WRITER
Student Services & Amenities Fee At the moment, funding for student organisations at the ANU comes directly from the university. However, legislation currently before Parliament will allow universities to charge an annual fee for student services, which can be placed on HECS. Is this a good idea?
Upon the introduction of Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU), the Vice-Chancellor of the University of Sydney declared that it was ‘a temporary victory for the red-necked philistines’. Hyperbole aside, VSU weakened the financial independence and economic viability of student unions, consequently cutting student services, eroding the university experience and limiting the development of free and critical expression in university collectives. At ANU, we’ve been relatively lucky. Since 2006, the University has diverted approximately $1 million each year from teaching and learning in order to support student services. It is only through the ongoing support of the University administration that the ANU Students’ Association (ANUSA) has been able continue to act as a safety net for students, providing, for example, grocery vouchers to students experiencing short-term financial difficulty, and employing welfare and legal officers to assist students with legal matters such as tenancy disputes and migration issues. Our poorer cousins, however, have not fared so well. The postgraduate and, in some instances, undergraduate student associations of several universities, such as the University of Ballarat, have folded, while basic services at campuses across the country have been cutback or substantially increased in cost. But that’s set to change. After extensive filibustering by the Liberal Party in the Senate, the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) is expected to pass this week with the support of Labor and the Greens, and be implemented in semester one next year. As a result, each student will be required to pay a
‘HECS-able’ fee, capped at $250 (indexed annually) per year, to the University, with the revenue distributed to the representative institutions on campus. The key question on the lips of every student should be: how will the SSAF revenue be spent? The levying of a non-academic fee on students imposes greater responsibility on our elected student representatives to ensure that money is spent accountably and effectively. Backed by a culture of support for student representation and an active campus life— correlating to higher levels of funding and support for collectives and clubs and societies—the SSAF allows the University and the students association to boost student retention rates, enhance diversity, and increase on-campus engagement of students, ultimately contributing to a richer university experience. Creating a more inclusive and active campus, strengthening the Association’s role as a welfare safety net and increasing funding for the welfare and legal officers are key changes that next year’s ANUSA should make. But a priority for our elected student representatives must be the long-term sustainability and independence of the Association. As a change of government could mean a change of policy, forcing the Association to again rely on the limited funding streams of the University, it is imperative that we acquire revenue-generating assets of benefit to students. The introduction of the SSAF provides an opportunity for students, through their elected representatives, to re-shape the ANU community and create a more active and engaged campus community with a strong welfare safety net for disadvantaged students. If administered effectively, ANU can again become the hub of intellectual and cultural life that it was prior to VSU.
What do you think?
Send us a letter to the editor for your chance to win a bag of Londsdale St Roasters’ coffee. www.woroni.com.au
FEATURE
10
MODERN DAY MASONS Woroni chats to ANU student and Freemason, Doug Wyllie, about the not so secret world of Freemasonry and how it is attempting to survive in modern society while maintaining its age-old traditions. gareth robinson features subeditor
Some groups in society are hard to put a label on, but that hasn’t stopped Freemasonry being called everything from a cult to a religion, to a secret society. Let’s face it, Freemasonry is not always viewed with the greatest respect by the broader community. True, it may not be as scorned as the alien- worshipping Scientologists, but its general air of secrecy and mysterious practices have not encouraged understanding from non-members. Times are changing though and, as Freemasonry membership declines, a new openness with the community is emerging. Even before Woroni sat down with third year Strategic Studies student and Freemason, Doug Wyllie, notions of its sinister nature were dispelled by his willingness to have a chat about the changing face of this misunderstood organisation. The origins of Freemansonry can be traced back to the medieval guilds attached to all manual trades. This is still evident in the symbols which represent the secretive rituals of modern day
Freemasonry, such as the iconic square and compass. However, Doug disputes the conspiratorial overtones of these practices, claiming that they “are the way in which we identify with each other”. It seems that while much of the metaphorical meaning of the rituals remains hidden behind closed doors, this is more to do with the personal growth of Masonic members than any malicious or sinister agenda. Over the years there have been claims of undue Masonic political influence. While many powerful figures, including George Washington and Winston Churchill were Freemasons, there have been many more humble members who wielded much less influence over political decisions. Indeed, one of the golden rules of Freemasonry is that politics and religion are left at the door, theoretically meaning that any man can join without prejudice. Such equality also extends to wealth, something that Doug identifies as one of the most positive aspects of Freemasonry’s mission to overcome divisions
in religion and socio-economic standards. According to Doug, despite regular events in which Freemasons dress in formal attire, it is “extremely hard to tell the difference between an expensive suit and an el-cheapo one that you bought from Lowes.” Freemasonry might be a deeply traditional organisation but its egalitarian outlook is just as relevant today as it was hundreds of years ago. This assumption runs into a brick wall when you consider the fact that women are still unable to join as fraternal members. Despite increasing the role and recognition afforded to member’s wives, so that their participation in many social engagements is permitted, women are still unable to participate in the core traditions and rituals. Doug concedes that, to a certain extent, it can be argued that Freemasonry is still vulnerable to sexist critiques. However, he also believes that the allowance of female membership is a “distinct possibility” in the future. Whether this would make a difference to the growth of the organisation is
another question. Since its heyday in the post World War II era, Freemasonry membership has declined to between 30 000- 40 000 members in Australia. Of course, the very traditions that define Freemasonry also hinder it. For instance, another fundamental Masonic rule is that members cannot ask people to join. Nor is the membership process itself straightforward, often requiring up to five months of communication with the Lodge to ensure that applicants are of sound character and motivation. Doug rejects the idea that these processes pose a challenge to the changing face of Freemasonry: “I don’t necessarily think that that’s one of the primary issues. I think the manner in which it’s done though can be done in ways that are fantastic,” but he concedes that recruitment can also “be done poorly.” Instead, Doug argues that there is a historical pattern of spikes, particularly after wars as men seek camaraderie, and troughs. Despite declines in membership, the Freemasons are
more open and visibly present than ever, increasingly undertaking charity work such as providing food for the homeless under their own banner and organising community events such as bike rides. Perhaps most surprisingly to the uninitiated, Freemasonry funds and runs many retirement and aged care facilities, a service often viewed as the domain of Christian groups. Perhaps then, numbers are beside the point. As long as these activities continue Freemasonry’s traditions will endure. Doug remains optimistic that “masonry will not go extinct, it’s not going to fade away into the shadows.” It remains to be seen how exactly Freemasonry will go about adapting to modern society but whether you scoff at their age old traditions or not, they are not going to be ignored in the future. Just remember, when your nan is moved into a nursing home or you find yourself on the rough side of life, it may well be the Freemasons who come to the rescue.
FEATURE
Sonya Duus
11
Grappling with coal
WRITER
Coal – we all love to hate it these days. In Australia coal increasingly features as the badguy in farmers’ struggles to protect their land, water, and livelihoods from an industry that has more right to their properties than they do. Traditionally there have been open-cut and underground methods of harvesting the mass of energy stored in Australia’s bountiful coal basins. Over the next decade we are also likely to see tens of thousands of new coal-seam gas wells, connected by a spider web of connecting roads and pipelines. And then there are the climate ramifications. Coal has contributed half of the increase in atmospheric carbon, which at 391 parts per million is the highest it has been in at least 800 000 years. By continuing to burn the Earth’s store of fossil fuels we are toying with a potential crisis of monumental proportions. Whether your interest is water, landscape, food production, property rights, or climate change, you have good reason to be concerned about coal. Despite the image of coal as the dirty fuel of the industrial revolution, coal use is ever-growing and is set to be an even bigger part of our future. On current trajectories, we are likely to see world coal use increase by 53% by 2050. And here in Australia,
we are positioning ourselves to play a central role in the global expansion of this ‘old fashioned’ fuel. Coal provides nearly 80% of electricity in Australia, and we currently hold the title as the world’s largest coal exporter. Shamefully we take no responsibility for the CO2 emitted from Australian coal burnt overseas which amounts to around 125% of Australia’s total national emissions. And even while we twist ourselves into knots to tighten our carbon belt at home, there are plans to double our coal exports. Sadly, the contradictions don’t end there.
Among Australia’s sacrifices to feed the world’s growing appetite for coal are numerous conservation areas. These areas of rich biodiversity, painstakingly conserved by landholders and State and Federal governments, are now under threat from mining. The Bimblebox Nature Refuge in central-west Queensland is a prime case in point. The property was saved from the bulldozers by a small group of concerned families with assistance from the Federal government, in an era when Queensland’s land clearing rates were amongst the highest in the world.
A Nature Refuge Agreement was signed and Bimblebox became part of the National Reserve System of Protected Areas. But now Bimblebox is regarded as little more than ‘overburden’ (the stuff that has to be removed to get to the minerals) by the company with rights to the underlying coal. If the mine goes ahead more than half of Bimblebox - 4000 hectares of remnant woodland – will be cleared and dug up for an opencut mine, and the remainder will be undermined. * Most people agree that it is absurd to be digging up irreplaceable nature and important
food producing land for the sake of short-term coal profits, especially as it also contributes to a dangerous experiment with our global climate. Unfortunately there are no simple answers. The current mode of industrial development around the world has us annually using around 500 000 years worth of solar accumulation in the form of fossil fuels. Replacing this amount of energy with renewables is a formidable task indeed. As much as we might be conscientious with our individual energy behaviour, it is clear the fundamental structure and operation of our society is accustomed to an unsustainable abundance of cheap energy. So we have the challenging job of re-moulding how we exist on this planet for the sake of basic climate stability and for those special places – the productive farms and the tranquil nature refuges - that face destruction while we maintain our addiction to coal. (*The Environmental Impact Statement (EIS) related to the proposed mine over Bimblebox Nature Refuge is open for public comment until Nov 7 – find out more at www.bimblebox.org) The author is a PhD student at the Fenner School of Environment and Society.
Under the veil Transsexuality in Iran
Farzaneh edraki subeditor at large
After Thailand, which country do you think performs the greatest number of gender reassignment surgeries? Perhaps surprisingly, the answer isn’t the United States, England, or Canada: it’s Iran. The same state which imposes severe criminal penalties for homosexuality simultaneously accommodates for, and even promotes, sex change operations. Under a 1985 fatwa issued by religious figurehead Ayatollah Khomeini, sex change operations are legally sanctioned for “diagnosed transsexuals”. How are transsexual Iranians “diagnosed”, exactly? The process isn’t an easy one, and can involve months, sometimes years, of psychiatric consultations. Once diagnosed with a gender-identity disorder, Iranians can then petition their local government to issue
a permit allowing them to crossdress in public – until they can undergo surgery. For thousands of Iranian transsexuals, surgery is the best means of gaining acceptance, both in the eyes of the law and of their families. Acceptance, unfortunately, is not always guaranteed. Many transsexuals are cast out and disowned by their parents.
For transsexual Ali Askar, a procedure performed in Dr. Mir Jalili’s surgery in Tehran allowed her to become Negar Askar. The government subsidised part of her surgery, and following the procedure, changed her birth certificate to reflect her new gender. This is now standard practice in Iran. In 2007, it was reported that the Iranian government provides
grants of up to $2,500 for sex change operations. If the official Iranian position on transsexuality and homosexuality appears contradictory, that’s because it is. In last month’s visit to the UN headquarters in New York, President Ahmadinejad re-affirmed the now infamous statement he made in 2007 denying the existence of homosexuals in Iran. Four years on, and despite public outrage, Ahmadinejad doesn’t so much eat a slice of humble pie, as swallow a few modest crumbs: “Perhaps there are those who engage in [homosexual] activities”, he claimed, immediately qualifying this by saying, “but these are not known elements within Iranian society”. As is often the case, willful ignorance on the part of public officials goes hand-in-hand with active condemnation: religious clerics decry homosexuality as
Woroni is looking for artwork from talented students to feature in our paper. If you have material you’d like us to use, send us an email at woroni@anu.edu.au
www.woroni.com.au
haraam, and those suspected of sodomy are imprisoned or executed. By contrast, Iranian Shi’ite clerics do not consider transsexuality a sin – there is nothing in the Quran saying anything to that effect. Under Iranian law, if you’re attracted to members of the same sex, that’s a problem; but if you’re attracted to members of the same sex and change your gender by way of surgical procedure, you now fall within more acceptable legal - as well as social - norms. That’s not to say that all transsexuals are necessarily gay. Yet, the worrying trend in Iran supports claims that sex change operations are being used to re-classify homosexuals as heterosexuals. As Negar Askar tells documentary film-makers in Be Like Others: “Get a sex change in Iran. But don’t say you’re gay.”
United States Date: 6th November 2012
ELECTIONS
FEATURE WORONI’S GUIDE TO
12
Candidates: Barack Obama will face off against whoever wins the Republican primary. Main contenders include Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann. Issues: It’s the economy, stupid. Woroni’s pick: When the unemployment rate in the US is hovering around 10%, Barack Obama should be a pushover, but the infinitesimal IQ of his opposition make it more than likely that this dirty socialist will cling to power for another four years.
Dominican Republic Date: 16 May 2012 Candidates: The current President’s wife, Margarita Cedenio, is a real contender amongst others from ruling PLD party. The opposition PRD party has chosen former president Hipólito Mejia to run.
Mexico Date: July Ist, 2012 Candidates: Ernesto Cordero, Josefina Vazquez Mota, Enrique Peña Nieto.
Issues: Rising crime rates, bureaucratic corruption and government mismanagement have all drawn voter’s ire of late.
Issues: The rampant violence of feuding drug cartels weighs heavily on the mind of Mexicans. Outgoing President Felipe Calderón’s efforts to stop the violence have backfired spectacularly. Mexicans are looking for a President who can halt the slide into a defacto civil war.
Woroni’s pick: Despite the perceived failings of the current PLD administration Woroni expects the PLD candidate to defeat Mr Mejia, who still suffers from his association to the 2003 financial crisis, which occurred during his first presidency.
Woroni’s pick: Nieto’s surging popularity among Mexican housewives thanks to his marriage to a soap star makes him a sure bet.
Venezuela Date: 7th October 2012 Candidates: It’ll be Hugo Chávez against some token opposition candidate. Issues: Not that it matters, but Venezuela’s petroeconomy is hitting some bumps. Fuel is in short supply and and infrastructure is decaying. However, in Venezuala’s authoritarian political climate, this won’t have much bearing on the election results. Woroni’s pick: There are two things certain in politics. Firstly, the socialists will not win the ANUSA presidency in 2012. Secondly, Hugo Chávez will win the Venezualan presidency in 2012.
IN 2012
FEATURE
France
Date: 22nd April (Runoff 6th May) Candidates: Nicolas Sarkozy (UMP) will face a Socialist: François Hollande or Martine Aubry, probably. Far-right candidate Marine le Pen may also make a splash.
Russia
13
Date: 4th March 2012 Candidates: Former president Vladimir Putin (United Russia Party) will face Gennady Zyuganov (Communist Party) Issues: Like Vladimir Putin’s hairline, the oil boom of the last decade is rapidly receding. This election will likely focus on the modernisation of the economy.
Here be sovereign wealth
Issues: Like most of Europe, France is facing an uncertain economic future due to the Eurozone debt crisis. However, the election is most likely to be dominated by vague, meaningless platitudes, as in all French elections.
Woroni’s pick: Putin’s a lock. The choice in these elections is about as meaningful as sex with Berlusconi.
Woroni’s pick: We’re confident that François Hollande’s dull yet strangely reassuring mannerisms will win over the French public.
Taiwan Date: 14th January 2012 Candidates: Incumbent president Ma Ying-Jeou (Kuomintang) and Tsai Ing-wen (Democratic Progressive), James Soong Chu-yu (People First) Issues: Ma’s adminstration advocates a closer relationship with China; as ever, foreign policy will loom large in this election.
Timor Leste
Woroni’s pick: Opinion polls show a close race between Ma and Tsai. Woroni’s putting your money on a Tsai victory.
Date: May 2012 Candidates: The field is unclear at the moment, but defence chief Taur Matan Ruak and former Acting President Fernando de Araújo seem poised to run.
Eygpt Date: Likely March or April Candidates: Mohammed ElBaredei, Amr Moussa Hazem, Salah Abu Ismail Issues: Have you been watching the news? Egypt needs a new president. Whether the increasing influence of Islamism, embodied by the Muslim Brotherhood, will dominate Egypt’s trajectory, or whether a more secular, democratic political culture emerges, remains to be seen.
Issues: The ability of the East Timorese government to effectively govern the country – and especially to maintain security – after the withdrawal of UN forces will be the key issue facing whoever wins the elections. The public is concerned about violence and crippling unemployment. Woroni’s pick: Ruak’s security credentials make him our favourite.
Papua New Guinea Date: May 2012 Candidates: Current PM Peter O’Neill, but beyond that, other candidates will be a result negotiations between the many small parties in the Parliament. Issues: Youth unemployment and the lack of longterm economic prospects are major concerns.
Woroni’s pick: Amr Moussar, the ex-Secretary General of the League of Arab States, looks like a candidate acceptable to the West and the Egyptian public alike.
www.woroni.com.au
Woroni’s pick: Wading our way through the gargantuan list of minor parties was too hard, so we’re going with the safe choice: the incumbent Prime Minister.
CULTURE
14
~ WHAT’S ON ~ FREE
ART
Living Green Festival 10am-4pm, Sunday 16 October Albert Hall Free entry Canberra’s inaugural Living Green Festival will feature sustainable, fair trade and cruelty-free food, products and services; talks on environmental; animal protection and health issues; free yoga and gardening workshops; live music and dance performances; a video zone, children’s entertainment and more!
Canberra Nara Candle Festival 5-9pm, Saturday 22 October Canberra Nara Peace Park & Lennox Gardens (behind the Hyatt) Free entry Enjoy the spectacle of 2,000 shimmering candles as we celebrate the 18th year of the strong Sister City relationship shared between Canberra and Nara, Japan. The festival features wonderful Japanese cuisine and stalls, including Shiatsu massage and the art of bonsai, ikebana and Japanese ceramics. Visitors will be able to take part in the drumming and ikebana workshops.
MUSIC
THEATRE
The Jezabels 7.30pm, Wednesday 19 October ANU Bar $30, tickets available from Ticketek Having spent a good deal of 2011 touring overseas in the UK, USA, Europe, Canada & Singapore The Jezabels return to stages here at home in October to launch their debut LP Prisoner. With specials guests Hey Rosetta! (Canada) & Alpine.
Lawrie & Shirley 7.30pm: Fri 14, Sat 15, Wed 19Sat 22 October. 4pm: Sun 16 & 23. Street Theatre Adult $29, Student $23 A romantic comedy, written as a screenplay in verse. Lawrie and Shirley is a whimsical tale of late-life romance. Lawrie has always been a ladies’ man, and even at 80, he is working his way through Canberra’s tea dances, giving a little spark to the lives of many lonely widows. However, he finds his match in Shirley, a feisty but pragmatic 70 year old, and the attraction blossoms into a passionate affair. However, their adult children are not happy about this situation and do their best to derail it.
Babylon Album Launch 8pm, Thursday 13 October Transit Bar Free entry Proudly presented by Triple J, Tone Deaf & Street Press Australia, Phrase is set to embark on an extensive national tour to perform tracks from his unanimously critically acclaimed third album Babylon.
The Wharf Revue 2011 8pm, 18-22 October The Playhouse, Canberra Theatre Centre Adult $53, Student $45 Our first female Prime Minister, the Three Amigos and the first hung Parliament in 70 years. The Wharf Revue team will have plenty of fodder for their return to Canberra in 2011. You can be sure the Revue will be packed full of its trademark up-to-the-second satire of contemporary politics and popular culture, which has made the show such a hit year after year.
Melbourne Boys On now: 11am-5pm, Tuesday to Saturday Bilk Gallery, Manuka Free entry An exhibition of work from four contemporary gold and silver-smiths currently living in Melbourne. A great showcase of the different spectrums of metalwork, including works using titanium, stainless steel and monel.
DANCE
BOOKS
Discover Europe Travel Expo 10am-4pm, Sunday 23 October National Convention Centre Free entry Whether it’s your first trip to Europe or you’re a regular visitor you can’t afford to miss the exclusive deals at the Discover Europe Travel Expo. Discover the cities, the history, the culture, food and romance... this is where you’ll draw the inspiration for one of life’s truly great holiday experiences.
Klaus Moje – A Continuum 10am-4pm, Wed-Sun, 28 September-20 October Canberra Glassworks Free entry Klaus Moje has had a broad and clear impact on the global development of kiln formed glass and has invigorated and reinvented the medium. With a legacy of brilliant works and devoted followers, his work is represented in dozens of public collections in Europe, Australia, Japan and the United States. In 2006, Klaus was awarded the prestigious Officer of the Order of Australia. Canberra Glassworks is proud to present his only exhibition in 2011 and features stunning new works.
It’s All Good 7pm, Friday 21 October; 4pm, 7pm, Saturday 22 October Theatre 3, Acton Adult $18, Student $14 A new contemporary youth dance work presented by the junior ensemble of QL2 Dance. An exploration of language and truth, created by 30 young dancers (8-16) working with choreographers Caitlin Mackenzie, Gabe Comerford and Chafia Brooks with Artistic Director Ruth Osborne. It’s All Good is an exploration of how we talk about what we feel. Do you really mean what you say? Language changes every day. How do we know what anyone means?
The Woroni Book Club 5pm, Wednesday 26 October Wig and Pen Cost: Your first born child Check out the Woroni Book Club Facebook page to vote for our next book!
FASHION National Swap Day 6.30pm, Monday 17 October Tilley’s Devine Café, Lyneham $25, tickets available online at clothingexchange.com.au The Clothing Exchange, established in 2004, has changed the face of fashion by promoting swapping as a playful alternative to shopping that saves over 100 tonnes of carbon each year. The Clothing Exchange has declared October 17th to be the second annual National Swap Day. To commemorate the day, they will host simultaneous clothing swaps in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane and Canberra and to create awareness and social change by starting with our overstuffed wardrobes.
COMEDY John Waters 8pm, Tuesday 25 October Canberra Theatre Adult $75, Student $69 In this rapid-fire comic monologue celebrating his joyously bad taste, Waters will regale with stories about his career from the Underground to Hollywood. Drawing on his childhood and early influences, with gay and hetero-flexible references and wry observations aplenty, Waters will divulge his innermost fascinations with true crime, exploitation films, fashion lunacy, and the extremes of the contemporary art world. Open Mic Night 8pm, Tuesday 25 October The Front Café and Gallery, Lyneham Free Entry One of the friendliest open mic rooms in the country, the people are what make this place great. Enjoy a glass of wine and relax with friends or show your mates what you’ve got on stage. You’ll be very welcome whichever way you want to enjoy your time with the crew. If you do want to give it a go, just rock up and say g’day to the person setting up the microphone. They’ll give you a slot on the night. An easy going 5 minutes is all that’s required.
CULTURE
15
Photos supplied by Nic Welbourn
Saving the world with a welding torch Jess Millen has an audience with the Rat Patrol
CONTINUED FROM P.1
Perhaps the rider was a public servant who wanted to add pizzazz to his commute, or a mad scientist who conducted all of his daily activities elevated two metres from the ground. In reality, however, these customised bikes aren’t just random isolated outbursts of mechanical creativity. The bikes, which span a wide range of weird and wonderful shapes and sizes, are the centrepieces of a grass-roots recycling revolution that calls itself The Rat Patrol. Put simply, The Rat Patrol an inclusive non-political organisation that is concerned about the incompatibility of the world’s limited resources and the population’s consumerist tendencies. For the thirty-or-so members of Rat Patrol’s Canberra Chapter, choosing a bike over the car or bus doesn’t quite cut it – the Rats take “environmentallyfriendly” one step further by rescuing discarded bike parts and re-welding them into sturdier and stronger (and taller and longer and stranger) creations. They call their bikes Functional Art, or FArt, and hold regular Build Days to help each other transform scrap into functional sculpture. These
communal workshops are open to the public – anyone is welcome to show up with an old bike, a six-pack and an open mind. “I have been riding bikes since quite a young age – BMX, downhill and freeride,” says Limp Jimmy, one of the founders of Rat Patrol’s Canberra chapter. “This led to many broken frames and components which required repair – and how many kids can afford professional bike repairs? I guess it started with swapping components from broken bikes to make one that is at least functional. Broken frames can be welded back together and made stronger than before, sweet. “Our Chapter started when I made a chopper back in 2005, specifically as a prop for a music gig we were doing in the middle of a forest during an 18-hour endurance cross-country mountain bike race.” When a friend stumbled across The Rat Patrol website, Limp Jimmy and his mates sent them a message and were promptly welcomed into the “international freakbike community” with a letter and starter pack from the US. “Next we bought a cheap MIG welder and built a double tall cargo bike and rode it in the biggest 24hour cross-country bike race in the world. Then the world’s first tall amphibious couchbike was created (that’s right: tall, amphibious,
couchbike). Things have gone a bit crazy since then – the rest is history, as they say.” However, the group’s ideology extends beyond the bikes themselves. According to Limp Jimmy, the “whole Rat Patrol idea” is both practical and philosophical. Besides saving waste resources and spreading mechanical skills in the community, Rat Patrol’s FArt (teehee) gets people thinking about biking and environmental sustainability, and even inspires creativity, confidence and positive thinking through the building process. “Showing new members that making a bike ain’t rocket science,” says Limp Jimmy, “actually shows that what you think is impossible is merely what you tell yourself cannot be done – quite an empowering metaphor for life, too.” The first time I met Limp Jimmy, I saw him riding his modified bike towards Union Court and was suddenly gripped by curiosity – how did he get down from such lofty heights? To find the answer to my question, I ran after his ludicrously tall bike on my (comparatively) short legs until he reached his destination, and watched him hop to the ground from a seat well above my head without a moment’s hesitation. He later explained that fear is all in the mind, and that one
www.woroni.com.au
of the key things The Rat Patrol strives to do is empower people to conquer their fears and pursue the impossible. The Rat Patrol manifesto outlines these goals of personal empowerment, and is simultaneously hopeful, passionate and scathing about using bikes as environmentallysustainable transport. It argues that pro-bike groups attempting to reduce resource consumption by promoting non-auto transportation options have, counter-productively, contributed to the increased consumption of new, expensive and excessive bicycle equipment. The paradigm of excessive consumption has simply shifted genres. “Just as the delusions feeding the auto-addiction culture are dreamed up by multinational oil and auto companies,” the manifesto rages, “sporting goods manufacturers sell wet dreams of freedom and escape to poor addicted sporting goods users. The pathetic sports junkie on a bicycle is no more free than a motorist trapped in an SUV in a traffic jam.” The “fetishization” of the fancy sports bike and all the shiny, butthugging biking paraphernalia that comes with it does not break from unsustainable and irresponsible cycles of excess and waste. As the manifesto observes, “What was once viewed as a useful tool,
a means to an end, becomes the end in itself.” In contrast, despite the attentiongrabbing appearance of their constructions, The Rat Patrol is about so much more than the bikes themselves. It’s about people coming together to re-use resources and share skills and knowledge (and beer). It’s about channelling unconventionality and creativity; it’s about going your own shade of “green”. Anyone is welcome to join the leaderless Rat community in Canberra. “The Rat Patrol Oz group consists of diverse crosssection of society,” says Limp Jimmy, “from world-famous scientists to students, accountants, designers, and even a bum or two. We have a good balance of men and women, some very young, some quite old, some rich, some poor.” All you have to do to become a Rat is build your own mutant bike at a Build Day and take part in a “secret-squirrel style” induction, which usually ends up with the new member waking up somewhere strange, happy but considerably hungover. If you’re interested in bikes, environmental sustainability, art, DIY-skills or beer, contact with the Patrol can be made by visiting www.rat-patrol.org/RPOz/ immigration (or by chasing Limp Jimmy through Union Court).
CULTURE
16
The sound of a thousand biological clocks ticking or, Portrait Gallery Drinks, in theory & practice TOM WESTLAND EDITOR
It’s an odd future LIAM DEMAMIEL WRITER
Their lyrics are violent, misogynistic and homophobic. Everyone from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation to twee indiepopsters Tegan and Sara have condemned them, those who purchase their music, and the media who brought them to lightening prominence. They are Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. And I kinda like them. Tyler, the Creator, the charismatic and seemingly immature leader of Odd Future, caused controversy this year when he tweeted “I’m in Brisbane Right Now… They hate Niggas Out Here…” Australian media quickly jumped on his comments, pointing out the sadism of his lyrics (“Let’s buy guns and kill those kids with dads and mom/with nice homes, 41k’s, and nice ass lawns/Those privileged fucks got to learn that we ain’t taking no shit”) to his attitudes towards women (the song title “Bitch Suck Dick” is possibly the least offensive thing I can mention here). Quick to condemn, they were also quick to forget the maxim: not everything is to be taken literally. Watching an interview with Tyler is an interesting experience. “Faggot” seems to be the most used word in his vocabulary. He is invariably difficult and fidgety. He complains about the questions
(“can’t you look that shit up on Wikipedia”) and that he never has time to skate anymore. But every now and again an interviewer will catch him off guard. In these rare moments he talks honestly and free from the shield of his persona. He is Tyler Okonma, a somewhat normal and insecure twenty year old. And what he says goes a long way to explaining his music. On one such occasion, Tyler told an interviewer that “when I make a song its like a movie to me, I want to go into detail. Every song is a story to me. It’s the shit I think about. Everybody thinks about dark shit. Why is it when somebody finally says it it’s such a big deal?” Elaborating on his darker themes, Tyler said that “people say ‘all he talks about is rape’, have you seen Quentin Tarantino’s movie? My music… It’s fucking art. Why is it when a black kid says it it’s such a big deal. I’m not just talking about raping a bitch, it’s a story line. I am writing it from the mindset of a serial killer from 30 years ago who is a white male.” A large part of the furore engulfing Odd Future is the relegation of music to art of a “lesser” status. Why is it acceptable to depict rape in film, but not in music? Why can one of Shakespeare’s characters contemplate murder, yet a character in a pop song not? Why is it acceptable to encounter graphic sex on a page, but not through a set of headphones? Most importantly, why must I be labelled as a party to misogyny, racism or violence simply because I purchase a record?
Just when my parents had made the last of five easy payments to our local nunnery, assuring me an easy life of contemplative chastity, one of my supposed friends dragged me (kicking and screaming, I should better add) to an event called the the “Portrait Gallery Drinks”. And I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the most frightening night of my life to date. Let me explain a little. As the month wanes, several hundred public servants, professionals and artistic types descend on the Gallery like vultures to a carcass, dressed as elegantly as their salaries will allow, to make love to one another. As a tribute to their struggle – as desperate and as lonely as Captain Ahab’s – allow me to present to you a selection of portraits taken from the Portrait Gallery Drinks: Jennifer – Department of Finance and Deregulation Acrylic on canvas, 5’3” Jennifer explores the complex relationship between loneliness and intoxication. As the subject celebrates her thirtieth birthday, she becomes aware that her time on Earth has elapsed quickly, and she has precious little to show for it. The artist has used strong, vibrant colours to suggest Jennifer’s strong, vibrant dreams, which
will, let the viewer understand, never come true. Overall, this work gives off a nice feeling of desperation. Max – Junior Partner at Testicle, Feckless & Upchuck Charcoal and ink on paper, 6’2”, 82 kgs, mostly paunch. Max is a touching portrait of a man who likes to touch. Its subject is in fact one of the handful of men at the drinks who has ever touched a member of the female sex – possibly, as Max never tires of implying, as many as six times. The artist uses bold, savage inkstrokes to suggest that while Max’s sexually inexperienced conquests may be seduced by his enthusiasm, they quickly come to realise how little they have been missing. In sum, this work gives off a lovely sense of desperation. Kerry – Public sector consultant Pastel on pastel, 4’5”, 130kg A dynamic work that interrogates the nature of incompetence, Kerry depicts a woman whose spinsterhood will be as unproductive and neurotic as her professional life. Rather like the Mona Lisa, the eyes of the subject appear to follow you around the room. Unlike the Mona Lisa, however, Kerry’s eyes appears to be following you so they can mentally undress you. Above all, critics agree that this work evinces a charming feeling of desperation.
REVIEW Avenue Q
Directed by Garrick Smith
Puppets & porn VINCENT CHIANG CORRESPONDENT
It’s not often that homosexual puppets and internet porn are given prime time at the ANU Arts Centre, but Supa Productions’ latest staging of Avenue Q has allowed for exactly that, as well as a night full of inane and totally inappropriate hilarity. And it is oh so impressive. For one, the show is a technical nightmare. On-stage, actors share their space with anthropomorphic puppets, operated by human beings who are apparently (but not actually) invisible to the audience. Nevertheless, the suspension of disbelief works out all right: despite initial impressions, the puppets soon take on a life of their own, dominating the stage as they search for self-understanding, love, and of course, purpose. Which is not to discredit the humanity within the show. Obviously, the puppet-operators are also actors themselves, and it is remarkable seeing the cohesion wrought between the cast members, both human and “puppet”. By the end of the show, it is really like seeing a mature, politically incorrect version of Sesame Street, live. What’s more, there is a real feeling of humanity to the cast. In a script laden with taboos, it is easy for Avenue Q productions to be pulled down by immaturity and an over-the-top effort to crowd please. In spite of all this, however, this Avenue Q is one with real meaning, and a subtly mature story to tell: even Trekkie Monster (played by an appropriately grizzly Max Gambale) is capable of wooing the audience with his charm…and his hilarious obsession with porn. At the end of the day, Supa Productions have not revolutionised Avenue Q. What they have created, however, is a particularly stellar production, a rollercoaster of laughs - as well as the odd moment of solemnity - for the audience. For those who have grown up watching Big Bird, Elmo, and The Count, Avenue Q is like a special treat, a simultaneously mocking and yet nostalgic revision of childhood. Meanwhile, everybody else is in it for the puppet sex.
CULTURE
17
REVIEW
Crazy Stupid Love
Directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa
RomCom delight SCOTT BOLTON EDITOR
I am a big fan of romantic comedies. I have pretty much seen them all. So it is very hard for a romcom to seem original and new. However, Crazy Stupid Love, directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa, brilliantly merges old ideas in a mixture of pure romcom perfection. The film stars Steve Carell as Cal, a father who’s life begins to fall apart when his wife of 25 years, Emily (Julianne Moore), reveals that she had an affair and wants a divorce. The grief-struck Cal spends his days and nights at a local bar washing away his sorrows. This is until he meets Jacob (Ryan Gosling). The lady-killer Jacob offers to help Cal get his life in order and reclaim his manhood. However Jocob’s life is thrown into disarray when he meets Hannah (Emma Stone), a girl who may cause him to give up his player lifestyle. The film is beautifully crafted, and almost flawlessly the three love stories are simultaneously weaved together. Usually Steve Carell annoys me, however he was amazing in this film and his portrayal of Cal was magnificent. The thing that makes this film is the ensemble cast. Each member of the cast plays their role superbly and interacts with each other so well. There are some great one-on-one scenes between the leads that you can’t help smiling at. This film is well worth a trip to the cinema, whether it be for a date, friends catch up or as a study break. In my mind it is probably one of the best films of the year.
Featured Artist: Yioryios Papayioryiou A Night’s Keyhole into Paris (Top) 47 x 81 inches Sand, High Gloss and Acrylic painted on Wood “This artwork portrays my journey into the heart of Paris, and the sense of adventure I felt while walking along its dark streets, and being overwhelmed by pockets of light that allowed me to see, within Paris itself, a different side of its immense beauty..”
The Australian Red Sand Dunes (Bottom) Size: 36 x 72 Inches Sand, High Gloss and Acrylic painted on Canvas “This artwork relates to The Australian Red Sand Dunes. I have closely research different visual elements of the Sand Dunes (movement, size, colours, textures and the environment) and engraved these features into my Artwork. This artwork is a snapshot of the Sand Dunes during the awaking of a new day. I have chosen to create this artwork quit large, to symbolise the vast and continuing landscape of the raw Australian land.”
talent at the ANU A look at some of the incredible
A TOUCH OF www.woroni.com.au
ART
CULTURE
18
POETRY
Vixen of Vagary by AMANDA TAPLIN She stands at the top of the stairs Dark nymph of my dreamsDo I disbelieve? She stands at the top of the stairs At the entrance of things To behold, to bring between Summoning a great chasm of endearing hospitality The faerie princess calls me forward Acquiesce, dispossess How now, fair maiden. How now? Answer me with enticing ecstasy To bring between, to go beneath The root of the root which bears the bud Of existence The mark of indelible revelry Beyond onwards
Wilderness of my doing by AMANDA TAPLIN The petals of my life Are tattered with fragilityA bird descends-- falling from the sky Bloody apparition Ancient news I have a scar I have a bruise Take me far; To that evanescent Arctic summer Which moved past Accelerated with unbearable pace For the tundra of my soul Is a barren wasteland.
She holds the key she hides the key In a garland of felicity It would be beautiful violence To share this lair.
Curtain fall by LIA SCHOLEM Once the curtain hits the floor, The trills of laughter are no more, Applause an echo of the past, The brightest spotlights fading fast. Once the heart begins to slow, Adrenaline now ebbs its flow, And this moment long awaited, Takes its leave, its hunger sated. Time spreads out its endless arms, To seek ambition’s distant charms, Beware old sloth’s sneaky way, To steal with seconds every day. How large a room of empty chairs, With that of chatter now compares, How long a day’s allowed to take, My own choice to sleep or wake. Though comfort still may be found, In the band’s final sound, For as one hears the last reprise, Another curtain waits to rise.
ANU Student Media Annual General Meeting
12PM Friday 28th October. Venue to be announced; see the website closer to the date.
CULTURE
19
I can’t believe it’s not a new iPhone ZID MANCENIDO SUBEDITOR-AT-LARGE
Last week the new iPhone 4S was unveiled. It looks the same, feels the same, but can now take stalker photos 33% faster, and loads your porn 50% faster. Awesome. Another technological update that means I’m now more behind the curve than last week. Kevin Kelly, editor at technology magazine Wired, explains this whole technology advancing and updating thing with the simple principle: “Anything you buy is already obsolete”. I’m going full extreme and going to posit: “Anything you can imagine has already been made obsolete by some secret research and development team in a basement in Silicon Valley or NASA or
The cowboy metalheads of Botswana A case study in bastardised sub-cultures of the third world ALEX DI GIORGIO WRITER
Please excuse my title. I’ll be honest when I say that bastardised sub-cultures are just as legitimate as any other aspect of what we consider ‘culture’. Rather than bore you with a short lecture on the profound effects of globalisation and westernisation, the hangover from colonialism and the troubling effects of neo-colonialism, I’ll give you a light and fluffy spiel on one of globalisation’s more kooky offspring. I present to you the cowboy metalheads of Botswana. When we think of cowboys and metalheads, we tend to think inevitably of white guys infatuated with their own image; battlers who continue to carry the torch of that fad that died out decades ago. But let us turn to Botswana, that central African nation you probably haven’t much of the news, and let’s face it, that’s usually a good thing. Unlike most other African nations, Botswana has been spared civil war and dictatorship. So where do cowboys and metalheads fit into the picture? Well, my (very) rough guess would be that with development (Botswana’s GDP per capita is $US6000, which is just higher than that of Albania) arises the spoiled and fawnedover bastard children of society – sub-cultures. Apparently there
are about 1500 of the Cowboy metalheads who have made their own intense sub-culture and have obviously taken inspiration from the western world. These guys dress up in tight black leather, wearing cowboy hats and a lot of chrome, and give themselves names like “White Devil”, “Ishamel Phantom Lord” and my personal favorite: “Coffin Feeder”. Just picture Mad Max playing in Motörhead and you’ve got the picture. From what I’ve read the metal scene in Botswana isn’t so big – they have a few shows a year, if that, so either these guys are pioneers or it’s just a fashion fad. But hey, who am I to judge (and dare i say patronise)? Good on them I say, because apart from looking badass, these cowboy metalheads from Botswana have carved out a niche for themselves, and (as far as I can tell) seem to be enjoying their new found outlet for overdriven masculinity. A guy called Keith Khan Harris who is a sociologist – or, more accurately, an internet blogger – has written about these guys on the vice.com to accompany a photography exhibition called “Visions of Renegades”. Check it out if you’re sitting in a lecture with a laptop and nothing better to do. http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/ atlas-hoods-botswanas-cowboymetalheads?Contentpage=2
Lockheed Martin or some other tech start-up with a motto in badass Latin like Blue Origin and their motto, ‘gradatim ferociter’.” (‘by degrees, ferociously’. Awesome.) We’re beyond the point when regular people can imagine technological futures, and it’s because regular people don’t know anything about our technological present. Last week, Brian Schmidt at the ANU won the Nobel Prize for physics with a couple of other guys who at the same time discovered that the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate. Awesome. But I’m going to put my money on the fact there’s only an incredibly small chance you actually know what that means. Expanding? Yeah sure, like a balloon, right? It’s getting bigger, duh.
Not really. The universe is expanding, but it’s not expanding into anything; it’s not taking up any more space. Now imagine a balloon getting bigger without taking up any space outside it. Why? Because there’s no space beyond the universe. Whoa. Expanding is kind of the wrong word; we just use it because there’s nothing else. Right at the end of this year’s Nobel Prize for Physics press release, there’s the awesome line: “If the expansion will continue to speed up[,] the Universe will end in ice.” THE UNIVERSE WILL END IN ICE? WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? WHY IS NO ONE ELSE INTRIGUED OR CONFUSED? The closest the Nobel Committee goes to explaining this is by headlining the whole release with
the Robert Frost quote: “Some will say the world will end in fire, some say in ice”. Awesome. Except Frost wrote it in 1923 when the world was still reeling from hate (ice) and gluttony (fire) post-World War 1. This wasn’t a prophecy about the literal ending of the universe, guys. Oh well. Now I’ve suitably confused myself and yourself, and probably shamed myself in front of ANU’s physics department, what’s my final point? That tech giants like Apple, like Google, like Facebook, are always going to keep revealing new things; promising us new technologies that are “changing the way we see the world” (re: Facebook’s new Timeline update). One thing’s constant though: regular people have no real idea what the hell is going on.
Arts Revue casts a spell REVIEW: ANU Arts Revue
Directed by Carl Reineke, Sally Withnell and Sham Sara.
NAKUL LEGHA WRITER
As the Wicked Witch of the West led a merry audience into the Courtyard Studio against the backdrop of trumpet fanfare, it became apparent this was going to be an altogether different revue experience. In its originality, wit and musical ambition, the second annual ANU Arts Revue proved there’s no revue quite like one where Julia Gillard and Gandhi duel it out over the command of a GPS and Harry Jenkins, Speaker of the House of Representatives, orders his, ahem, member to rise. Compared to the relatively close (read: incestuous) community that is the College of Law, it’s far more difficult to encompass a “culture” which represents the disparate concoction of faculties that is the College of Arts & Social Sciences. Nor is there a culture of revues, with the Arts Revue only starting last year. There is, however, a staggering amount of creative talent and it felt like the directors – Carl Reinecke, Sally Withnell and Sham Sara – had managed to somehow amass all of it onto the one stage. The strongest feature and unifying thread throughout the Revue was the small yet disproportionately talented band. Bec Taylor’s strong musical direction was clear in the ambitious and superbly executed
www.woroni.com.au
song and dance numbers, an area where most amateur revues tend to be off key. Catchy, horn infused interpretations of modern classics like Gangster’s Paradise (“Plagiarism Paradise”) and Valerie (“I’ve Got No Investment Plan, Actuary”) as well as clever musical interludes meant the band felt like a seamless part of the overall performance. If anything could be faulted then perhaps the focus on musicality tended to come at the expense of more explorative song writing but this was few and far in between some exceptional ensemble performances. Being able to pull off the huge vocal range of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody is a difficult ask, but easily overcome when you look as damn good as Michael Bones. With an excellent supporting chorus, Bones was phenomenal in a self-aware take on hipsters that was met with raucous laughter, as the audience adjusted their thickrimmed spectacles and picked lint off their Salvo’s sweaters. If the eye-catching poster didn’t tip you off, a Cowardly Lion playing the trumpet and the beautifully crafted programme (an audience always appreciates effort into the small details) left no doubt about the Revue’s “Wizard of Oz” inspirations. However, rather than desperately clinging onto the theme, it became a craftily weaved motif that never suffocated the originality or diversity of sketches. And what diversity there was, from a fantastically twisted play on words (“chucking sickles”) to a genius satire of Q&A’s “democracy in action” pretensions.
CULTURE
20
Bikram yoga LIV CLARK CULTURE SUBEDITOR
had healed himself and he went forth into the world spreading his story and his unique yoga practice. I am not a cynic. I hear any miracle story and want to be part of it. So there I was one Wednesday night and one minute in I was sweating so profusely I thought I might pass out. It smelt of stale sweat and the very rotund man next to me was wearing only his underpants. We started with a breathing exercise that had everyone moaning and huffing in a weirdly erotic way. And then my face was on my dripping wet knees and I was being yelled at to “squeeze tight, just like a Japanese ham sandwich”. Thank you, Mrs Yoga instructor, for such clear instructions. 90 minutes and 26 poses later, I was sure death was imminent. I ran for the door, desperate for cool air and litres, no gallons of water. But then, at home, I had this bizarre feeling. I felt weirdly happy and so hungry. With a mouth full of hot chips, I promised myself I would go back. And I did. And I still don’t know what a Japanese ham sandwich is.
For many men, a Bikram yoga class is the beginning of many of their wildest fantasies. Endless nearly naked women drip with sweat while they pull their long (mostly) lean bodies into positions that defy imagination. This could be the beginning of a group orgy… or the beginning of the worst 90 minutes of your life. Doing exercise in winter is tough. It is especially tough when you have willingly moved the 300kms away from home, only to find that here in the Capital, winter is not a mild 15 degrees, but rather toe-numbing and tedious. So a form of exercise that involved 42 degree heat seemed exciting. And the 1000 calories I was promised I would burn meant that donuts and chips were back on the menu. Right? This ‘miracle’ exercise was all invented by Bikram Choudhury. While at four most of us were eating snails or going through a gender identity crisis (I truly believed I was a boy), Mr Choudhury was practicing yoga. But at 20 a serious knee accident Bikram Yoga Canberra is in left poor Bikram unable to walk. Mitchell. They offer classes every day. As you can guess, this isn’t a $20 will get you one week unlimited story that ends here. After six yoga. Come and get sweaty! months of intensive yoga, Bikram
Chaser’s hamster ZOE POWER WRITER
Long ago, when Ansett existed, when Avril Lavigne was ‘edgy’ and Britney ‘credible’ and when Australia won sporting events, I used to watch TV with my parents at night. Mostly, I didn’t enjoy it – “suitable viewing” was restricted to ABC and SBS in the hours before all the nudity set in. That said, although I didn’t understand any of the politics or many of the jokes, I used to love The Chaser for the outlandish humour, the Bogg’s ads, the funny songs, even the senseless inappropriate yelling (after all, I’d never seen Rove). CNNNN may well have been where I first learnt of politicians who weren’t John Howard. Whether you’re located in the Love Them or Hate Them camp, there is something undeniable to be said for the way in which the Chaser boys can hijack people’s
attention and involve them in issues they’d otherwise ignore. Now, after forays into election commentary and declarations of outright “war on everything”, their latest project will see a return to their roots in the “journalism comedy criticising journalism” that is The Hamster Wheel. The title refers to the shrinking cycle of news and the people who produce it – “The Hamster’s Wheel” is the American term for this phenomenon. Julian Morrow answers the inevitably question of “why now?” as such: “I just can’t wait to get my hands on the ABC credit card again.” However seriously you choose to take the man, the show seems alarmingly topical in the fallout of the News of the World scandal and in the midst of our very own print media enquiry. But will it succeed in actually getting people to view the media around them with some level of scepticism? Probably an important factor is maintaining – or regaining,
as some would have it – the freshness and funniness that made The Chaser successful in the first place. In The Hamster Wheel, we’ve been advised to expect significantly less of the particular brand of humour for which Chaser members have been most frequently berated, arrested or told by Prime Ministers to hang their heads in shame for. A change in tact brought about perhaps more by the team’s increased notoriety (and hence likelihood of recognition) than anything else. Further, the show will be kept current by 6pm filming for 9:30 screenings, essentially enforcing a certain degree of innovation. Of course, a lot still depends on the intelligence of the viewer and their ability to take up the cynic’s challenge when confronted with everyday media. But whether or not you locate the cultural insights amongst their (very comfortable) cushioning of low blows and toilet humour, you’ll probably still enjoy The Hamster Wheel this Wednesday at 9:35 on ABC1.
CULTURE
Democracy & lego
AMY CLAIRE THOMPSON WRITER
Federal politics in Australia confuses me intensely, but not as much as the politics of Australian students. Last year, back in the UK, I was in the interesting position of editing the Opinion section of my university’s student newspaper during our Union elections, and I’ve just realised that that’s probably the only reason that I actually knew what was going on: because I had to. So, when the ANUSA elections crossed my path recently, I really did try to get my head around them. I think, for the most part, though, that I failed. Oh well: I did learn one fantastic trick. For future reference, wearing a hoodie from a foreign university and looking a bit rushed is a sure-fire way to stop any of the campaigners approaching you in Union Court. Extra points if you can muster tears as well. (This is not, by the way, something that I learned deliberately.) Still, elections here seem comparatively tame. Students’
Interhall Arts shield CAM WILSON WEB SUBEDITOR
The year is quickly drawing to a close, and the Interhall Arts Shield with it. The Interhall Arts Shield is a fiercely contended competition between ANU’s residential halls and colleges for supremacy of the arts. While those participating the arts may lack the raw athleticism and brutish strength of their sporting brethren, artists excel in other areas. Practitioners of the arts possess more than just mastery of their chosen mediums, but also have rare insight into the zeitgeist of our world, the fickle interactions between people, and into the human soul itself. It also functions as a great way to meet new people, and encourage the creative side of thinking that is often crushed by Wattle readings and lecture recordings. 2010 was a great year for the arts. New events such as the 40 Hours of Film were introduced - a competition between the colleges of who can produce the best short film in less than a weekend. Other staple events were bigger and better than ever - Band Night
and Talent Show were huge hits. Burgmann eventually came out with the title, just beating Fenner Hall. 2011 has not disappointed – in terms of excitement or change. Griffin Hall, the virtual hall, has been successfully incorporated into the Interhall Arts Shield. While they lack the foundation of years of experience that the other colleges have, they have more than made up for it in enthusiasm. Huge congratulations must go towards all those involved for opening up one of the best parts of ANU residential living to those who were unlucky enough to have been born in Canberra. Joking – maybe. There has been the introduction of a new event – the Poetry Slam. Replacing Creative Writing, this event successfully filled the gap that was left. The Poetry Slam is a battle of the spoken and written word – not in the same, formal way as public speaking. In fact, the whole event eschews traditions in the name of having a good time. Contestants are knocked out if they are not interesting, and the judges are chosen at random from the audience!
But now down to the points. Unilodge, after amassing a significant lead early on in the year, is still grasping onto first place with Johns not far behind. Fenner, a perennial high achiever, is in third with Burgmann hot on their tails. Burton & Garran is next, followed by Ursula and then Griffin Hall. However, the year is not over yet. Public Speaking and 40 Hours of Film have yet to happen! At this point, it is still possible for the top five colleges to take first place. Although the year is almost over, it has not finished yet. And so, there is still a huge amount of effort being put in by participants, and importantly, each college’s arts representatives. A huge thank you must be said to each of you. Without you, none of this would be possible. Congratulations to all those who have been involved so far, and if you haven’t – there’s still time yet! Cam is the President of the Interhall Arts Committee.
www.woroni.com.au
Union Officer positions at my home university are salaried, sabbatical positions, so they are hotly contested by individuals, but not by tickets. Campaigning lasts three weeks, and people take things… seriously. Or not, as the case may be. I remember one guy, campaigning for the position of Activities Officer, walking around the concourse in front of our students’ union building dressed in a cardboard costume designed to make him look like a lego man. Fair enough, I guess, but what it was that he hoped to achieve by doing this more or less every day for three weeks never became apparent. (My favourite incident of the entire election season was when he materialised in one of my history lectures, and just ran straight through it. To this day, I’m not entirely unconvinced that I didn’t hallucinate the whole thing!) Naturally, it’s just not an election in Britain if there’s not a hint of scandal. I’m almost sure it’s part of the recipe: three parts rhetoric, one part ‘actual policies’, add a pinch of scandal and bake for a
21
while, in full view of the media. It’s really the only way to make the political cake rise. So, to our scandal. Voting in our student elections occurs online, and candidates are now banned from offering their computers up to voters. You can already see where this is going, can’t you? Of course, the candidate in question denied it all: “I just wanted to show my friend my new iPad!” (Apple computers are far more of a rarity at home than out here!) A full-blown investigation ensued, and resulted in his disqualification. So, all I can say is, while ANUSA elections might make a lot more sense, and be a lot more like actual politics, the excitement just wasn’t quite there. I’m a vegetarian: BBQs in Union Court just don’t do it for me. Life-size, cardboard Lego people, however, will always turn heads, if not votes. Oh, and by the way: the Lego guy won. The guy handing out free tea-bags also did pretty well. We are, after all, British.
SPORT
22
Rolling in the deep Professor Pitts WRITER
I’ve fallen in love. It’s been life changing. All my friends have noted and commented on my new glow. There’s really nothing like it. It makes everything seem fruitful and enjoyable, and I have drive and direction like never before For such a long time I wandered around the streets of campus, thinking: where, how, and who would bring some vigour and vitality to my student existence? Little did I know they were just around the corner, on my very own campus. They bring so much joy to my life. We’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now, which makes this the longest relationship I’ve ever had. We spend so many nights together: Friday night – date night, Tuesday night – our night in and every other weeknight we can be found sneaking on to campus roofs to watch the stars together. I love spending the Sunday sunshine with them, first sitting out on the grass and then getting our hearts racing indoors. Since we’ve been together, I’ve become stronger, thicker-skinned
and ready to take a knock or two. It’s the lessons you learn being in a relationship – going fast when you need to and slowing down when its time to focus. They make me want to be better, stay healthy, eat well, socialise and make new friends. Who is this wonderful person, you may ask, and where can they be found? Well, you’ll be happy to know they’ve got lots of love to give and open arms waiting just for you. I’m happy to share. Yes, I’ve fallen in love with roller derby, or to be more exact, I’ve fallen in love with ANU’s Roller Derby league, known as the Varsity Derby League. We meet twice per week on campus, and all are welcome – beginners, pros, students, non-students, derbyenthusiasts, derbygrrrrls, derby noobs, fans, dudes (to join our referees team)…everybody! Roller derby is a contact speed skating sport, played by women who skate really fast in teams around a flat track. There’s a points scorer who tries to lap the other team’s players, while everyone is smacking into each other. There’s a bit more too it than that, and if you want to get a crash course, watch the movie
Whip It! The Varsity Derby League is now 50 people strong, coming a long way from our humble beginnings at the start of the year falling over in union court. We are looking to have our launch party,
first bout (game) and fundraiser before the end of the year. Now is a great time to come along and have a go – pop into training and we will lend you some gear and teach you what you need to know! Email us at varsityderbyleague@
gmail.com or go to our website varsityderbyleague.com or find us on facebook as ANU Roller Derby. Come along and feel the love!
FEATURED CLUBS
Feel like improving your stroke? Tiffany Sleep WRITER
Watch out ANUthere’s something in the water this year. It’s hardworking, it’s determined, it’s energetic, it’s friendly but most importantly, it’s fun. 2011 saw the launch of a new club on campus- ANU Swimming. The brainchild of president Amanda Tully, ANU Swimming is a club that places emphasis on fun and friendship as well as the health benefits of swimming. Multiple training sessions each week cater for the advanced squad level swimmer, the intermediate swimmer and those who want to focus on stroke correction. Sessions are relaxed and friendly and new members are always
welcome regardless of ability. In addition, ANU Swimming has three designated sessions for its learn-to-swim program. This program is specifically designed to give ANU students an affordable means to learn how to swim. It also aims to teach students basic water survival techniques. Qualified learn-to-swim instructors run these sessions with assistance
from other experienced swimmers in the club. Both the instructors and assistants volunteer their time every week and a strong relationship has formed between both the squad based program and the learn-to-swim program. As well as regular training sessions, the club has a social committee who plan social events and get-togethers. The club holds
regular brunch and dinner events at The London, our corporate sponsor. These events have proven to be extremely popular with the fifty or more active members of the club. Last month the club also participated in an Australian University Games trivia fundraiser event for the Water Polo team. ANU Swimming is also sending a team of eleven
students, to represent the ANU at the games on the Gold Coast 2530 September. So far in 2011 ANU Swimming has undergone an exciting transformation into a rapidly expanding and dynamic sporting and social club. Its members range from first year Undergraduates, Honors students to PHD candidates. Many more exciting plans are scheduled for 2012, including the release of a club clothing line designed by the incredibly talented Mitchell Bennett. With the rapid growth of the ANU swimming community, it will be interesting to see whether the ANU will be looking into the provision of much anticipated pool facilities in the near future. For information, check out the ANU Swimming page on Facebook or email anu.swimming@gmail.com
SPORT
Let the gentlemen play John Goldie WRITER
This month has been great for footy, whatever your code. A fortnight ago Geelong proved too much for Collingwood in the grand final of the AFL and Manly beat down the Warriors to walk away with the NRL premiership. However, there’s another high profile footy tournament currently underway, alarmingly unremarked upon: the IRB Rugby World Cup. Unlike the other two tournaments, which are both annual and domestic, the Rugby (Union) World Cup runs once every 4 years, and is played to an international standard. The Wallabies entered the tournament ranked No. 2 in the world, with a young team under a relatively new coach. Australia has at last found a forward pack capable of contesting with the best teams on the planet. With all this in mind, it seems a little odd that for the majority of the tournament thus far, Rugby Union hype at ANU has been conspicuously MIA. For curious readers, 20 teams qualify for the World Cup, and are divided into four pools. Each
team plays every other team in their pool once, and the top two scoring teams go through to the knockout stages, which began last weekend (8th October) Pool A saw New Zealand dominate France, her most competitive opponent, 37-17. France did not have a great campaign during the pool stages and was humbled by Tonga a fortnight ago 14-19. Unfortunately, Tonga’s earlier loss to Canada put them out of the running for the quarter finals. Pool D proved uneventful. Everyone beat Namibia; Fiji and Samoa didn’t pose much of a challenge to the top seeded South Africa and runners-up Wales. Pool B was much more dramatic, seeing a close contest between England, Scotland and Argentina competing for the 2 qualifying positions. The top ranking England, in their very first game, scraped a desperate win over Argentina, 14-9. Argentina went on to find a 13-12 win over Scotland with a glorious late second half try. Despite an inspirational performance a fortnight back, Scotland were knocked out of the competition in the rain by England 16-12. England won the pool, followed closely by Argentina. The biggest upset of the
tournament thus far, unfortunately, came in Pool C. On the 17th of September, in a try-less game, the Irish forward pack outplayed the Wallabies to walk away with a 6-15 victory. Australia entered this game off the back of a 32-6 thumping of Italy, the only other Pool C contender, and went on to comfortably win its matches against Russia and the USA. This left Italy and Ireland to play a decider last Sunday (2nd October). Given the points distribution, if Italy won, Australia would have topped the pool, (giving us a much easier run in the knockout stages), and Italy would qualify in second place. If Ireland won, they would win the pool and take Italy out of the tournament. Despite some fantastic rolling mauls from the Italian forward pack, handling errors and an intrusive referee prevented them from putting any significant points on the board. The 36-6 score line in favour of Ireland, who eventually topped pool D, was not a reflection of the quality of the game. The knockout stages began on Saturday (October 8th) with Wales trouncing Ireland 22-10 in the most outstanding 80 minutes of rugby this commentator has watched all tournament. 5 minutes into the second half it was 10-
10. Tommy Bowe and Brian O’Driscoll looked dangerous for Ireland but the Welsh defence held. In the game that followed, after losing to Tonga, France turned everything around to bring England to heel 19-12. England had conceded just one try in its four pool stages matches thus far, but France put two on the scoreboard before half time, leading 16-0. England fought back with two tries of its own, but two penalties kicked by Dimitri Yachvili, the French scrum half, and a well earned drop goal from replacement no. 10 Francois Trinh-Duc kept the French ahead. On Sunday afternoon Australia scraped a heart-pounding win from a South African side that on every statistic should have a spot in the semi finals. With 20 minutes remaining, two penalties and a drop goal from Morne Steyn had put South Africa ahead, 9-8. In response, with 8 minutes on the clock, James O’Connor slotted a penalty to bring Australia to 11, and putting us into the semi finals. Thank god. In the last quarter-final, Argentina fought gallantly against New Zealand but were brought down in the second half 22-10.
23
Team of the Fortnight Will Walton Sports Subeditor
1. Quarter Finalists in the Rugby World Cup. If you haven’t been watching the World Cup thus far this year, may I politely demand that you start. The quarter finals were were so salivatingly good that onlookers momentarily forgot that it was in New Zealand, and actually began to enjoy themselves! 2. The English Rugby Team. Ok, so maybe this one is a little personal. There’s nothing terribly embarrassing, strange, awe-inspiring nor dramatic about the fact that England were bundled out of the tournament by Les Bleus. Yet bundled out they were, and for anyone who vaguely recalls 2003 that would have been sweeter to watch than Rihanna’s home-made videos. They exist. I know they do. Have you seen that ‘Rude Boy’ video? 3. David Warner. I’m forewarning you all that #3 is about cricket. So now that half the readers have flicked to some other page, let’s discuss David Warner. So he notched the highest individual score, 135, in Champions League Cricket history. Oh, and he did it off 69 balls. That’s all very impressive and such. The left-hander also casually hit four fours and a six from a right handed stance (also called “switch hitting”... no biggie). To give you an indication of just how tough that is: I’d sooner expect Ursies to win college rugby league than see that again. 4. Sebastian Vettel. Red Bull driver Vettel, hampered by what some might refer to as the double-whammy of being both ginger and German, has become the youngest driver ever to win back-to-back Formula One titles. Coming in a strong second was daylight. Third were Mark Webber’s hopes and dreams, and fourth was Lewis Hamilton’s ego (Lewis Hamilton himself was back in the pack somewhere). Apparantly Alonso is doing stuff too. 5. Adil Rami. French defender Rami recently outraged sports journalists worldwide when he suggested that some professional footballers prefer their tea-cups stormy. What!? I always thought the air was just easier to trip over in Europe?
www.woroni.com.au
BACK PAGE
24
with Farzaneh Edraki
YOU CAN’T REVIEW THAT! with JAMIE FREESTONE
This Review
Beginning with this sentence, the titular piece fails to engage on any level, unless you’re a particular fan of selfreference and recursion. The piece is typographically conventional, with only mild deViaTions from form or convention which (just like this parenthetical comment) arguably contribute little to its overall thrust. The second paragraph opens with what initially seems to be the first gag all over again — and indeed this passage proves it to be the case. It does, however, act as a pretty good model for correct punctuation; this sentence and the last includes the following marks: a colon, a few legitimate commas, a semicolon, an em-dash and an unnecessary hyphen.
The review originally intended a much larger scope. It was set-up as a review to review all reviews (and only those reviews) that do not review themselves. Unfortunately, this obviously leads to something approaching Russell’s paradox, as it then becomes unclear as to whether this review violates the very premise it operates under, right in the middle of the review, merely by either following or not following that selfsame premise. If it did review itself it would not fit into that category, yet if it didn’t it would need to be put back into it. Ultimately, this piece fails to resolve this rather donnish piece of intellectual frippery, but does waste one hundred and eighteen words discussing it.
THE INTERVIEW
THE ROMANCE : DOMESTIC POLITICS
Brokeback Katter “This goddamn hung parliament,” Barnaby Joyce said, removing his jodhpurs. Suddenly Bob Katter’s mind was far from Filipino banana imports. He took off his trousers as well, and thrust his honourable member into his sunburnt lover unexpectedly – rather like he’d entered Parliament. They had met at a Young Nationals B&S. Crushing social expectations had forced them to take women to the ball, but as soon as Barnaby saw Katter’s throbbing, elongated hat, he knew whose swag he’d be climbing into that night. “Don’t you think you’d better take off that hat before we…?” asked Barnaby gingerly. “No,” said Katter. “The hat is who I am.” And if one thing was certain, it’s that Katter knew exactly who he was: Bob Katter. The Force From The North. But Barnaby was beginning to wonder
TOM WESTLAND ANGUS MINNS
how how could live without that force in his life. But now the Force was spent, and as the sun crept down past the horizon, Barnaby felt a shiver in his soul. “Bob,” he said, as they laid spreadeagled in the midday sun, having concluded a long bout of sweaty legislative negotiation, “don’t you ever think of settling down?” Katter was silent, for perhaps the first time in his life. Barnaby was terrified. Had he gone too far? Sensing this, his redneck amant turned to him and, in a voice as gentle as hydraulic fracturing drill, whispered gently into his oversized ear. “Barnaby,” cooed Katter, the Force from the North, as they stared at the stars, “You may be a treacherous National. But I’d walk to Burke backwards for you.”
SCOOP ANDREW BOLT: A REAL JOURNALIST? Woroni has received word that columnist Andrew Bolt may not, in fact, be a real journalist. An inside source informs us that Bolt postures as a columnist to post content that is supposedly journalism.
The closing simile makes about as much sense as a simile comparing something to itself, and the awkward rhetorical question following it seems redundant. Does it not? Most of the words used here are short, sharp and one beat long — they don’t seem to have much flair, much like this last word, which is just made up of two es and a tee. Saved by its interest to fans of Douglas Hofstadter, it gets however many stars it says it does and is also notable for its meta-structure of having a beginning, middle and an end marked by the words beginning, middle and end.
Congratulations, you’ve made it to the next round of interviews at Gilbert and Gilbert. I notice that your CV doesn’t mention your UAI. Oh. Well… no, that’s not the lowest we’ve heard. Say, are you involved in any extra-curricular activities? You don’t debate? No? Not a representative on your student council? No again?
Take a seat. No, not that chair. This one. Yes, next to the window. Just in case you’re in a hurry to leave! (Laughs.) We like to laugh, in this firm. Don’t we, Barry? See, he agrees. Thanks for coming. Sorry about the wait. Now, as we spoke on the phone, it’s important for us to find the right fit for the job. We’re a tight-knit firm. We’re really more of a family, aren’t we Barry? Quite literally: my wife’s a partner. What’s that? No, it doesn’t create problems in the office… I still flirt shamelessly with the receptionist, intern, senior manager, and cleaning staff.
Oh, but it does say here that you’re interested in pubic – oh, I’m sorry – public speaking. Well, yes, I’m sure playing the second tree in your Year 9 production of Wind in the Willows was a very enriching experience. Congratulations. And your work experience? I see. You’re still working for IGA. Good, good. Well would you look at the time. Thank you again Eric. Sorry, Erin. Sorry, Aaron. Oh, it is Eric, is it? Sorry Eric. We’ve had a lot of candidates to date, but we’ll want to settle on a decision soon. By the end of the week. Should you call us? That’s a good question; thank you for asking it.
WORONI PRESENTS
No. We’ll be in touch.
THE BACK PAGE INVITATIONAL
Congratulations to Scott Bolton, who was last edition’s Most Eligible Bachelor. Ladies, please enquire within.
Send answers to any of these to woroni@anu.edu.au.
SNOOZE ALERT
GAFFE OF THE FORTNIGHT
Mr. Bolt could pass for a LiveJournal user, but chooses to identify as a journalist for his own personal and political gain, and to win prizes reserved for legitimate reporters.
We’ve told you the best places to take a whiz on campus, but how about the best spots for a nap? Hancock, Level 3? The Union? Woroni wants to hear from you!
“Zhongguo renmin zhan qilai le” - Malcolm Turnbull, quoting Mao Zedong at the London School of Economics. It translates to “the Chinese people have stood up”, but since Mr. Turnbull failed to inflect his tone, it could mean anything from “the Chinese people are infected by skin disease” to “the Chinese people moisten a female horse”. Heard any other gaffe-worthy quotes? Send ‘em in to Woroni.